A Match made in Hell
by Ri2
Summary: The Keybearers have been forcefully invited to the event of the year: Maleficent's wedding. Yes, you heard me. And you'll NEVER believe who the groom is... Pt. 3 of the epilogue is up. All done. Let's celebrate
1. An Auspicious Beginning

Hello. My name is Ri2. My name may or may not sound familiar to you readers, since I've been lurking around this fandom for the last few months, but it doesn't matter that much. What does matter is that I'm here, and I have a story to tell.

This will be my first tale in the Kingdom Heart section. If it's received well, I hope to tell more stories here, for I have many ideas I'd like to write out if I have the chance.

But if you're reading this, you didn't come here to see boring author expositions. You came to see your favorite characters doing stuff for your enjoyment. And here they are, doing just that. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: All characters and locations in this story owned by Disney and Square Enix. Hats off to them. If you have hats. If not, poor you.

…

It began as it had in a familiar scene seen at the end of a familiar game and at the beginning of so many, many other fanfics.

Two adolescent boys stood atop a small plateau rising from the water just a few meters off the shore of a small island full of wooden structures and caves for a child to play in, connected to a cliffside ledge of said island by a wide wooden bridge. The boys looked out over the great, shining sea from their perch, a tropical tree bent just in the right way for a person to sit on its trunk, with fruits that, due to some quirk of evolution, were shaped like stars dangling from the tree's leafy heights. One boy sat on the bent trunk, the other leaning on it right next to his friend.

"Nothing's changed, huh?" asked one boy, who could understandably be mistaken for a woman at first glance due to his rather long and shiny mane of hair that might or might not be naturally silver, even though his chest (mostly covered by a black sleeveless jacket and pale white and yellow vest) was most unquestionably flat.

"Nope. Nothing will," said his companion happily, a cheerful blue-eyed brunette with oddly spiky hair and colorful (though mostly black) clothes with a disturbing amount of belts attached to it, as well as a rather neat silver crown necklace hanging from a chain around his neck.

_Laaaaaame_, whined a voice in the back of the brunette's head (or heart, or somewhere) which, if it were an actual person and not a voice, would look a good deal like the aforementioned brunette, only blond. _He practically just got back from maybe the biggest adventure of his life which caused who knows how much emotional trauma to you and him and everyone else, and he's already bored? Wow, isn't this kind of behavior what _started_ everything to begin with? Then again, I guess if it hadn't I wouldn't exist…or not-exist or whatever the hell it is I do._

_You can't blame the boy_, whispered another, much darker voice, this one lurking in the back of the other adolescent's head (or heart, or somewhere). _His heart has always been filled with wanderlust. It is what opened him to darkness in the first place. And it is what will drown him in it again…_

_Yeah, yeah,_ said the unimpressed blonde voice, having gotten used to the slightly deranged ranting of his host's best friend's 'guest' (The kind of guest that never cleans up after himself, plays loud music at night and earns you complaints from the neighbors, hosts big parties which trash your house and earn you visits from the police, and worst of all, _just won't leave no matter what you do._) in the couple of months since he had ceased to have a body of his own and made his permanent home in the back of his host's mind (or heart, or wherever.). He didn't miss having a body of his own as much as he thought he would, though having to share one with his Other could be rather trying sometimes. _You say the same thing about my mom's cookies._

_That woman couldn't possibly have made such succulent treats without the aid of a higher power!_ The other voice raved. _The power of-_

_Darkness, right. Or more like sugar and baking flour. Lots of sugar. And chocolate, can't forget that._

_Mmm, chocolate…_ both of them thought, drooling. Or would have drooled, if they had mouths. Or saliva glands.

"What a small world," the girly-haired adolescent, Riku, continued, having tuned out the dialogue between his best friend's and his own 'Others', as both boys had found necessary to do on occasion since they had arrived home lest they go mad (Or appear that way to others. They had all had waaaayyy too many appointments with the school psychiatrist for their own liking and had to deny many accusations that they were schizophrenic, something that was actually quite close to being true.).

"But part of one," Sora pointed out. "That's much bigger."

_Far bigger than you can imagine,_ crooned the voice in Riku's head, also known as Xehanort. (Or Ansem, or Xehanort's Heartless, or 'Riku's Annoying Split Personality that Won't Go Away')

_Shut up,_ grunted the voice in Sora's head, also known as Roxas. (Or BHK, or the Key of Destiny Number XIII, or 'The Little Nobody that Is' (Don't ask))

"Yeah," Riku agreed profoundly.

They watched the sun setting off in the distance for a moment, before Sora looked up at his slightly older friend. "Hey Riku…what do you think it was—the door to the light?" He was, of course, referring the strange light which had appeared on the beach in the Realm of Darkness where he and Riku had been dumped after their greatest battle ever (Together, that is. In Sora's opinion, Sephiroth had been _slightly_ more difficult to defeat.) and had taken them home to the Destiny Islands.

_I'd like to know too,_ murmured Xehanort. _So that I may destroy it or seal it shut forever! Hehehehehahahahaha!_

_Shut up,_ Roxas grunted again.

Riku chuckled and slid off the tree, landing next to Sora. "This," he said, tapping Sora's chest.

"This?" Sora asked in surprise, putting a hand over where Riku had touched him.

"Yeah. It's always closer than you think," Riku told him.

_Wow,_ Sora thought in amazement, a smile lighting up his face. _So the door to the light was inside my crown necklace all along! Who would have thought?!_

Both Xehanort and Roxas groaned at Sora's rather embarrassing misinterpretation. _Oh, Sora…_ Roxas sighed.

_Foolish child! One who knows nothing can understand nothing!_ Xehanort crowed sinisterly. _As if this silly 'door to the light' could really be contained within something so flimsy as a little crown trinket! Or as if it belongs in the heart, either…light has no place there! After all, DARKNESS IS-_

_The heart's true essence, I know, I know, you've said it a million times, _said an exasperated Roxas.

Their minds were taken off the contemplations of the strange light which had brought Sora and Riku home from the Realm of Darkness by the voice of the third (or, counting their split personalities, fifth and sixth) and final member(s) of their little group, Kairi. (And the other personality in the back of her mind, or heart, or wherever, known as Namine, or the Memory Witch, or the Creepy Girl who Always Wears White for Some Reason and Stares at You with Biiiig Blue Eyes that Never seem to Blink, Ever.) "Sora! Riku!" Kairi called as she ran over to them across the bridge from the main island, waving and holding something in her left hand.

_Roxas!_ Namine called from within Kairi.

_She's so hot_, Sora thought to himself, taking in her auburn hair and cute pink outfit with a bizarre number of zippers.

_She's so hot,_ Roxas agreed, although he was referring more to the blue-eyed blonde look-alike of Kairi in a white dress whose image he saw overlapping the girl.

_She's so hot,_ Riku thought, just thinking of Kairi, although he admitted Namine was rather good-looking as well. (Not that he saw her at the moment, but still.)

_Not my type,_ grunted Xehanort, scoffing at the hormone-driven foolishness of his host, sworn nemesis, and sworn nemesis's split personality. It wasn't that he didn't think Kairi or Namine weren't good-looking for their age, but they were far too young for his 'sophisticated' interests. Sure, he was evil, but it's not like he was a sexual_ deviant_ or anything.

Kairi reached her two male best friends and stopped; head bowed and shoulders heaving as she tried to catch her breath. "Hey, what's up?" Sora asked in concern.

"Look," Kairi said, holding out the object in her hand. It was a glass bottle with a rolled-up letter inside. The letter was sealed with a very familiar emblem, three black circles arranged in such a way as to look like the big-eared head of a certain mousy king.

"From the King?" asked a surprised Sora. He quickly took the bottle from Kairi, popped out the cork, and slipped the letter out into his hand and unrolled it. Kairi and Riku, and their split personalities, leaned over to read the letter along with him.

_Dear Sora, Riku, and Kairi,_ The letter cheerfully began, written in a surprisingly plain, almost messy style of handwriting one would not expect from a ruler of King Mickey's caliber. _What's up? It's been a couple months since Donald, Goofy and I headed home, and I figured you might want to hear what's going on around the worlds, since you've probably settled in to your old lives on your island home as much as you can._

("If by settled in he means people have stopped wondering where the heck we were for so long, gotten our families to stop locking us in our bedrooms to make sure we don't mysteriously vanish again, and somehow managed to integrate ourselves back into the school system…albeit with a ridiculous amount of homework and education to catch up on…then yeah, I guess we have," said Sora. "Although I think a lot of people still seem to think we're crazy since we spend so much time talking to voices in our heads…."

_You're not crazy,_ Roxas said. _I mean, if you were, then I'd just be a figment of your imagination, which I'm not…or _am_ I?_)

_The worlds are going back to normal. Everything's calmed down quite a lot since we stopped Organization XIII. Heartless sightings have dropped significantly, and I haven't heard so much as a peep out of those Nobodies. (And with ears as big as mine, that's saying something!) Of course, the forces of evil being what they are, I'm sure they're all regrouping under a new leader or powerful figure to prepare for their next, inevitable strike against the Realm of Light. (Hopefully not for a while, though. I mean, it'll take a long time to recover from the blow we've given them!)_

(_What's all this 'we' talk?_ Roxas complained. _He barely did anything! We did practically all the work!_

Xehanort had something to add as well. _And the forces of evil are far from beaten! We will rise again to dominate the universe soon enough! Hehehahaha-_

"Xehanort, I'm reading, cut it out," Riku growled.

_Oh, sorry Riku._)

_Since the number of hostile forces seems to have decreased so much at the moment, I think now's as good a time as any to begin constructing that inter-world transit system I've been planning for ages. If the Heartless or other dark forces should strike again, it'll be to our advantage to have as big a network of allies as possible, instead of having everyone trapped behind world barriers and unable to form new friendships or to call each other for help if they need it. It's time for all our worlds to be united instead of sealed away…it'll be hard, and I'm sure a lot of people will object to this, but I think it's time. The old 'world order' is too limiting and needs to be changed to let everyone come together, since none of us should be alone if a new threat should arise._

(_Speaking of which, how'd this letter get here, anyway?_ Namine wondered. _I mean, there's not only the world barrier in the way, but…Disney Castle's a long, long way from here. Out in space. Light-years away. And then it had to not only get through the barrier after crossing such a vast expanse, but survive reentry into the atmosphere, and somehow navigate the ocean currents to reach the islands. How'd it get here?_

Xehanort scoffed. _Foolish witch! The ways of the worlds are far more vast and intricate than you can possibly imagine._

_But you don't know either,_ Roxas pointed out.

_Nonsense! I know all things!_ The evil spirit boasted.

_Except what the door to the light is…or Mom's secret cookie recipe…or where you really came from and how you wound up in Radiant Garden one day where you were found by Ansem the Wise, naked and without memories…_ Roxas pointed out.

_SILENCE!_ The embarrassed Xehanort barked.

"Guys," their three hosts growled under their breath.

_Sorry, shutting up.)_

_To form this union, and celebrate our latest victory over the forces of evil, I'm inviting delegates from all the most powerful worlds to Disney Castle so that they may meet each other and see for themselves the benefits of contact with worlds beyond their own so they can decide whether or not to be an active participants in the new order. Only the most underdeveloped or vulnerable worlds will be left out of this summit meeting for their own safety and to preserve their fragile way of life, and will be placed under protection of the Disney Kingdom until they are able to make contact with us on their own. Since it's due to a great extent to you three's efforts that the worlds are now as safe as they are, I saw no reason not to invite you to join the summit as well, not just as guests of honor but as official representatives of the Destiny Islands. Plus, a lot of the dignitaries from the other worlds will probably be friends of yours, and I'm sure you'd love to see them again! (Plus, your being there might go a long way in convincing them of the necessity of this alliance, you know?)_

(_Ah, so he wants to use us as political pawns,_ Xehanort purred. _Just like a politician._ "Well, of course he's a politician," Kairi muttered. "He's in charge of a huge kingdom. He can't run around willy-nilly with a Keyblade anymore, can he?"

"Yeah, Queen Mickey's probably keeping him on a tight leash to make sure he never runs off again," Riku joked, which led to all of them pausing for a moment and picturing Queen Minnie putting Pluto's leash around the King's neck to keep him close by. After giggling at that thought, they continued reading.)

_While your attendance would be appreciated, you are by no means required to come. I'm sure we can get by without you…somehow. Even so, I've dispatched a Gummi Ship to the Islands. I couldn't spare anyone to drive it, even Chip or Dale, so it's set on autopilot. If you want to come and your parents are okay with it (I'm sure they're glad to have you back, so it might be a problem to ask to leave again), you can fly it to Disney Castle yourselves, all three of you. Sora or Riku know the way, and if you get lost its coordinates are still programmed into the ship's computer. If you decide not to come or your parents don't let you go, you can keep the ship anyway…just as something to use if you ever get the urge to come visit us. You're welcome anytime._

_In any event, the ship should arrive at about noon tomorrow, your time. You'll need to lower the world barrier to let it in though, since you raised it after Donald and Goofy and I headed home. How you decide to use it is up to you, but if you can't come to the summit please send a message back to us using the bottle this letter came in so we'll know not to expect you._

_Best wishes and hope to see you guys again soon, your old pal King Mickey_

"What's a summit?" asked a confused Sora once they finished reading the letter. "I thought that's like a really high place. What does it have to do with dignitaries from all over the worlds?"

"Wrong summit," Riku told him. "The one King Mickey's talking about here is a meeting between the most important people from all over to negotiate some kind of…I dunno, alliance or something."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Kairi asked. "I mean, that means all the worlds, or most of them, will be connected to each other again, instead of separated. It's the next step towards making all worlds one again, like they were supposed to be once…if that old story my grandma used to tell me is true."

"It could also really disrupt a lot of people's lives," Riku countered. "Most people everywhere have thought for the longest time that there's only one world, and so thought themselves special because their world was that one. To suddenly learn out of the blue that there isn't just one world, but so many that they're almost impossible to count, almost as many as there are stars in the night sky, and that their world is just one tiny, almost insignificant speck in that vast universe of life, would be a huge shock. It means they aren't alone in the universe anymore, and they're not special, just one more place out of millions or billions with people living on it. I imagine that would shatter lots of belief systems…not to mention their societal, government or economic systems could be totally reshaped if not ruined due to new trade routes and massive influxes of tourism which would no doubt result from easy and open access between the worlds." His friends stared at him for a moment. He frowned. "What?"

"You've been listening to Xehanort too much," Sora complained. "Or political science class."

"Hey, I have to listen to _something_ since I can't just have a nice friendly chat with the voice in my head like you guys," Riku protested. "Because whenever he has something to say it's Darkness this and Darkness that and how soon all worlds will be drenched in, guess what? _Darkness_. Talk about a one-track mind."

_It will one day, Riku,_ Xehanort whispered gleefully. _One day! And I do not have a one-track mind._

_Yes you do. And anyway, if you do ever manage to take control of Riku again, we'll just whup your ass,_ Roxas pointed out.

_Again,_ Namine added.

_Silence, curs!_

"Well, I still think it would be a good idea to go," Sora voiced again. "I know it's only been a few months, but I really miss all the friends I've met while looking for you guys, especially Donald and Goofy. I'd love to see them again…and I'd love for you guys to meet them, too!"

"Yeah, a lot of them sounded really…interesting," Kairi said diplomatically. "But I would like to see them for myself."

"Well, I don't really object to going," Riku admitted. "Even if I'm not sure this summit is completely a good idea. We'll have to ask our parents first, though." He looked almost sour at the idea of having to request permission to go somewhere, due to the independence he had experienced since leaving the Islands…even if a lot of it had come at the price of loneliness.

"Do you really think they'll let us go?" Kairi asked. "Seeing as we haven't even really been back that long?"

_I doubt it,_ Roxas said. _Mom has attachment issues, and gets panicky just over us leaving for school every morning. And I think learning that she technically has _two_ sons now is making her even more overprotective of us._

_Hmmph, as if they could keep you from going anyway if you really wanted to,_ Xehanort sneered. _What can they do, lock you in your rooms? As if that will do anything when you wield the power to unlock any barrier that stands in your way!_

_They could tie us up,_ Namine pointed out.

"Why would they do that?" asked a confused Kairi.

_Well, that's what the Organization did to me sometimes when I kept wandering too far from my room…_ she said quietly. There was an awkward silence after this, as none were sure what to say in reply to that.

"So, anyway," Sora said quickly. "We'll ask our parents if we can go. We won't miss any school since it's the weekend starting tomorrow, and we'll probably be back before next week. And it's not like we're going to be missing for a whole year…again…right?"

_And if they say no_, Roxas half-joked, _We can always go anyway and have Namine make them forget_ _we were ever gone when we get back._

…

And so they asked, and so, predictably, they were denied. Despite Roxas' half-serious suggestion, Namine did not brainwash anyone, and they agreed it was probably for the best if they abided by their parents' decision for the moment, annoying as it might be. As instructed, they sent an apologetic letter explaining why they couldn't come in the bottle the King's message had arrived in and tossed it out to sea, wondering all the while how the heck said bottle would get back to King Mickey if his castle was several light-years away.

Up to this point, dear reader, other than the weirdness with the split personalities (or Others) I am sure this tale does not seem that much different from similar ones which also begin something like this. I assure you, however, that from this point forward, events will unfold in ways you can't possibly have imagined.

…

The next morning, each of the three (or six, if you want to get technical) friends woke up and got ready for the new day in their own fashion.

Sora slept in until ten in his rather messy room until woken by the mouth-watering aroma of his mother's pancakes, causing him to leap out of bed and almost fall down the stairs in his eagerness for breakfast. Both Sora and Roxas were glad to see that their mother had remembered to set an extra place this time, so that when Sora was done shoveling pancakes down his throat he could switch places with Roxas and allow the blonde to eat his share at a slightly less frenzied place. Neither of them quite understood how the process of body swapping worked, or how appetite didn't seem to transfer over with the swap, but they had gotten rather accustomed to doing it after one rather heart-stopping moment when they had gotten into the shower one morning as Sora and came down for breakfast as Roxas, resulting in them almost getting stabbed to death with a spork by their paranoid and somewhat crazy mother. And, after a period of adjustment, she had gotten used to it as well…though there was really no need for her to make extra clothes just for Roxas, was there? It wasn't as if he needed to change clothes, ever, since they just appeared on him whenever he swapped with Sora…but it was still a nice touch, which both of them appreciated. After finishing with breakfast, they showered and headed on out, after assuring their mother repeatedly they weren't going to go missing for another year, or be consumed by darkness as the world was destroyed (again), or have to save the universe, or anything like that.

Kairi got up much earlier than Sora did, in a much neater (and fancier) room, with the rather recent addition of drawings plastered to the walls made by her more artistic 'sister'. Her parents hadn't adjusted quite as well to the thought of having a second 'daughter' as Sora's mother did, but that's because Sora's mother was somewhat crazy and Kairi's parents less so. Half the time they tried to pretend Namine didn't exist in hopes that by ignoring her she would go away. The rest of the time they spent occasionally trying to exorcise Namine from Kairi's body, thinking she might be some sort of dangerous spirit threatening their daughter's soul, but since none of those attempts really got anywhere they just gave up and did their best to get used to the new girl living under their roof (with only the smallest amount of brainwashing necessary)…even if it did cost more than they expected to get Namine her sketchpads. She seemed to fly through two or three a week in her eagerness to capture every aspect of her new, colorful world on paper, a tremendous contrast to the whitewashed, hollow walls of the Castle that Never Was and Castle Oblivion which still haunted her and Kairi occasionally in rather inconvenient and terrifying shared nightmares. The girls' parents hadn't quite reached the point of making a separate meal for their new daughter, so Kairi compensated by switching places with Namine halfway through breakfast and packing an extra-large lunch for school. (Since school cafeterias, no matter what the world, are universally unhealthy and fattening.) Of course, since there was no school on this particular day, after showering, getting dressed, and eating breakfast, she just packed a lunch to go and left, after assuring her parents several times she wasn't going to vanish on another adventure or get kidnapped by evil black-cloaked villains or lose her heart or anything like that.

Riku woke up midway between Kairi and Sora in his own room, which if anything was even messier than the brunette's, after a long night of being pestered by Xehanort in dreams which were less nightmares than incredible annoyances. His home life with his parents where aforementioned evil guest was concerned had both its advantages and disadvantages when compared to those of his best friends. On the plus side, he didn't have to bother with extra clothes or meals since he was never ever under any circumstance whatsoever going to swap bodies with Xehanort again. Ever. On the down side, that meant he had to attend frequent visits to the school psychiatrist to explain why he frequently screamed "SHUT THE F#$ UP!" to voices that weren't really there in class, banged his head against walls and desks regularly, and occasionally just gave hateful glares to almost everyone else in the world, which did not help in making the rumors that he and his best friends were schizophrenic go away. Additionally, his parents seemed to be somewhat scared of him and never went anywhere near him without draping their bodies in as many holy icons as they could think of in hopes that it would repel or banish the evil demon within Riku. None of said icons worked, or ever would, but they still tried out of desperation and fear that Xehanort would one day, rip their hearts from their chests while they slept and devour them, as said evil spirit had threatened to do one time when Riku's control over his mouth slipped by accident. Riku would have been more bothered by this if he had ever really been on close terms with his parents, but he hadn't, so he found this behavior more irritating than downright saddening. He ended up making breakfast for himself, as he always had even before he had condemned Destiny Islands to the darkness and cast him and his friends out across the stars, and made sure to spread out some marmite on his toast because he knew Xehanort despised it so. (Not that Xehanort actually ate it when he did, but since they shared the same brain…or heart…or something space, he still experienced many of the same stimuli Riku did, including taste.) He didn't even need to promise his parents he wasn't going to vanish when he left, though some days he felt like they would be happier without him. In fact, they had actually been almost enthusiastic last night at the possibility of Riku leaving to attend King Mickey's summit…but since Riku would never leave his friends behind, never again, their inability to leave meant he was staying behind too. So when Sora and Kairi had said their parents forbade them to leave, Riku said the same thing had happened to him. Let it never be said that Riku did not care for his friends deeply.

In any event, all three (or six) friends got up at their own pace, got ready for the new day, and met up at the docks around eleven where they rowed together out towards the 'playground' island to meet the coming Gummi Ship.

Hey, just because they weren't going to the summit didn't mean they couldn't accept King Mickey's generous gift, right?

…

Once the trio (or sextet) had reached the island, it was a simple matter of lowering the world barrier as King Mickey had requested. All they needed to do was enter the Not-So-Secret Spot and play around with the glaringly obvious Keyhole on the door that never opened using their giant keys (Ignoring Xehanort's frenzied murmurings of Doors and Hearts and Eternal Darkness as they did so) until there was a satisfying 'click' not unlike the sound of a lock being opened, as well as a few shooting stars racing across the sunny sky to indicate that their world had been connected to the much larger universe beyond…for now, anyway. Sure, in the process they were practically inviting Heartless or any other unsavory types in…but Heartless seemed to have figured out how to get through the barriers anyway during Sora's year-long nap (assuming they hadn't always been able to do that, which made sense come to think of it, and also meant it would probably be more imperative than ever for all the worlds to unite if the barriers were doing more harm than help by letting the Heartless in and keeping anyone who could help out), so it probably wasn't that much bigger of a risk than leaving the barrier shut would have been. And besides, how could the ship get through the barrier if it wasn't opened?

Since it was still not quite noon, they whiled away the hour by sparring, racing each other around the island, more sparring, building sand castles which Riku would then knock over laughing malevolently, still more sparring, seeing who could cast the biggest Fire spell, and, you guessed it, more sparring. (Hey, the boys had to keep in shape somehow. Gym class was boring for kids who could split buildings in half, fly, slay over a thousand enemies in one go, defeat giant monsters, etc. And Kairi needed the practice if she were ever going to reach Sora and Riku's level since, as she had adamantly said several times, she didn't want to be a defenseless and helpless little girl if she was somehow ever kidnapped again. Which would probably happen sooner or later, considering how weird their lives were.)

And so they wasted time goofing around and beating the shit out of each other until the sun had reached its zenith and the Gummi Ship arrived at last. At first it had seemed like just another shooting star, a bit later in appearing than its cousins, until its trajectory altered and came hurtling towards them, decelerating as it cooled off from reentry until it was practically gliding over the waves as it approached the island, landing gently on the beach just a few feet away from them with very little impact save for a small displacement of sand.

Sora smiled as he examined the ship, for its shape brought back fond memories: a cubical red body with a long yellow-striped cylindrical nose cone like a rocket ship sticking out of the front and a pair of yellow and red-tipped rocket engines attached to the sides. A pair of small cannons was mounted on either side of the nose, with the small landing gear pads jutting slightly out of the ship's underside between them. A dome-shaped cockpit rose from the top of the vessel, with three seats inside, and the familiar seal of the Disney Kingdom marked on the side of the ship's hull. It was a classic Kingdom model, just like the one he had first rode in with Donald and Goofy after their adventure began.

_The Gummi ships we had in the Organization were much cooler,_ Roxas complained.

"Why did you need Gummi ships if you could portal places?" Sora asked.

_To show off. And building them gave us something to do. There wasn't a lot to occupy us in the city in between missions,_ Roxas explained. _Other than beating the shit out of each other, of course. Or getting on each other's nerves._

"So, this is it, huh?" Riku asked, rubbing the ship's hull. "Looks a lot dinkier than the one the King left in."

"Well, that's because we customized it extensively," Sora explained. "Guess he couldn't spare it and had to send us an older model."

"Well, I think it's still nice," Kairi said. She poked the ship and was surprised when the hull sank in slightly from the pressure of her touch before springing back out when she removed her finger, wobbling a bit and causing the whole thing to vibrate slightly. "What?!"

"They're called Gummi ships for a reason," Riku said with a smirk.

…_So, whenever we decide to use it we're riding through deep space in something basically made out of jelly?_ Asked an alarmed Namine, who had never really had an opportunity to use a Gummi vessel before now.

"Nah, it's much more durable," Sora claimed. "And you can eat spare blocks if you run out of food on a long voyage."

His friends stared at him, as did their split personalities, as did Roxas. "You…_ate_ Gummi blocks?" asked a disturbed Riku.

"Sure, they're kind of chewy but really sweet and juicy! Like big chunks of candy!" Sora said with a grin, leaning against the ship's hull and sinking into it slightly.

…_Dude, even _I've_ never eaten Gummi blocks. And I've done _tons _of crazy stuff with Axel whenever I was bored_, said an incredulous Roxas.

"I don't think candy that big is exactly healthy, Sora," said an uneasy Kairi.

"Yeah, Donald said the same thing," admitted Sora. "Until he started nibbling on Goofy one day…and decided it was better than starving or resorting to cannibalism."

Riku shook his head in amusement. "You have such weird friends," said the girly-haired boy with an evil megalomaniac lurking in the back of his mind that had at one point betrayed his friends and engulfed his world in darkness.

_So, let's take her for a spin,_ suggested Roxas.

"Uh, why?" asked a confused Kairi. "I thought we had agreed to stay home. Our parents told us to."

"They told us not to leave this _world_," Riku said slowly, a grin growing on his face. "They didn't say we couldn't explore it a little…with our new Gummi ship!"

_Excellent, Riku…using duplicitous means to get what you desire without technically breaking the rules. The darkness is growing within you…it's only a matter of time before you succumb completely!_ Xehanort declared madly, and was ignored by all.

_I'm not sure this is a good idea…_ said an uncertain Namine.

_Aw, come on Namine, it'll be fun!_ Roxas encouraged her. _Besides, I know you want to see more of this world. And what better way to do that than from the air? Think of all the wonderful vistas you can draw…_

"I even brought a couple sketchpads, as always," Kairi added. "You know, just in case you got a drawing urge."

…_Well…okay,_ Namine said finally. _But we can't be gone for too long, or our parents will think we ran away after all_.

"Excellent," said a gleeful Riku. "I'll drive."

"No you won't," argued Sora. "I will! I've had the most experience!"

"Yeah, at crashing," Riku said with a smirk.

"That was just the one—okay, three—times! And those crashes were taken totally out of context by Donald!" Sora protested. "And besides, it's not like YOU'VE ever driven a Gummi Ship, since you spent most of your time warping here and there through dark portals!"

"Well, at least both of you have been able to travel PERIOD instead of poor old me," said Kairi grouchily, pouting heavily.

_We can portal too now, if you switch over to me,_ Namine pointed out.

"Yes," Kairi agreed. "But it still doesn't mean I know how to fly a Gummi Ship."

After a good deal of arguing, mocking laughter from Xehanort (although he didn't know how to fly a Gummi ship either), absolute refusal to let Roxas drive because from Namine's stories from her days in the Organization they knew Roxas was, if anything, an even _worse_ pilot than Sora, they finally settled the matter by wrestling physically on the ground, rolling about in the sand, and bopping each other in the head a few times with respective giant keys. In the end, Sora won, much to Riku's frustration and Kairi and Namine's relief because now they could get GOING already and explore the other side of the world, see other islands, and maybe even find some of the small continents sparsely located here and there around the globe according to the maps in atlases and geography class.

And so they climbed up the side of the Gummi ship, which obligingly molded itself into a ladder for them and creeped Riku and Kairi out, and hopped into the cockpit, where Sora enthusiastically (perhaps a little too much so) took the driver's seat and buckled himself in. Riku manned the weapons station (Not that he expected to encounter any hostiles, but who wouldn't want to fire off a laser cannon for fun? Although Xehanort seemed a little too eager for him to test the guns on inhabited areas) and Kairi took navigation, because, as she and Namine put it, "_Someone_ has to know where the heck we're going and make you stupid boys ask for directions if we get lost."

"All systems go!" Sora reported as he activated the ship, glancing over all the complicated flashing lights as if he actually knew what half of them meant. "Ignition on!" The twin rocket engines roared to life, flames blasting out from their rears. "Activating antigrav!" The ship slowly levitated off the ground, generating a force which pushed away the sand beneath it in every direction and caused the nearest trees to shake and rustle in a nonexistent breeze. "And we have liftoff!" Retracting the ship's landing gear, Sora spun the steering wheel and twirled the ship around as it accelerated, sending it in an arc which just _barely_ missed a nearby cliff and sent them shooting out to sea, leaving a sonic boom in their wake and cutting a trail through the water. "Woohoo!"

"Sora, was it necessary for you to narrate all that?" asked Riku with a raised eyebrow.

"_Yes_,_"_ Sora and Roxas said at once, sticking their tongue out at Riku.

_Juvenile dolts,_ Xehanort retorted, flicking them off.

"_Stupid boys,"_ Kairi and Namine sighed, rolling their eyes.

Back on the beach, another (but far saner and much less important) boy-girl-boy trio stood gaping in disbelief as they watched their three friends, who they had slowly began to think crazy like almost everyone else at school ever since they returned from…somewhere…vanish into the distance in a spaceship just like the ones in the wild stories they had told them.

"Whoa," said the red-haired Wakka, his precious Blitzball dropping into the sand, forgotten.

"They were telling the truth after all…" said an astonished Selphie. "They've been to other worlds…and now the aliens are abducting them again!" She shrieked and ran off, flailing her arms wildly and screaming about the black yellow-eyed monsters returning to probe her and make everything disappear again. In her frenzied panic she snapped a poor tree in two and smashed a rock in half with her flying nunchuku as she ran about madly in circles. Tidus and Wakka stared at her for a moment before turning their attention back to the spaceship, which was already so far away they could barely see it anymore, the churning sea subsiding from the vessel's fading wake.

"Aw man!" the blonde Tidus snapped, throwing his wooden sword to the ground angrily. "Why can't anything exciting ever happen to us?! Other than those horrible yellow-eyed black aliens coming back and making us all disappear again, I mean. That was more terrifying and very unpleasant than exciting."

As if on cue, another spaceship suddenly appeared out of the skies, hurtling towards the little island at terrific speed and trailing a tremendous gout of fire and smoke. Tidus and Wakka screamed and dove out of the way as the ship crash-landed several meters away, the shockwave from impact sending them (and a great deal of sand) flying as it skidded and bounced violently across the beach and smashed into a nearby cliff, crushing its front in and scattering bits and pieces of itself everywhere. Tidus and Wakka, covered in sand, pulled their heads out of the dunes they were buried in, only to duck back in when a large section of the ship exploded, sending pieces of what looked oddly like colorful bits of candy flying everywhere. The boys cautiously waited several seconds to make sure the foreign object wasn't going to explode again and slowly pulled themselves out of the sand, staring in amazement at the smoking and badly wrecked object from another world (which oddly enough looked vaguely like a red motorcycle. Sort of.). They stared at each other in disbelief. Then Wakka looked skyward and said, "Why can't some hot babes fall out of the sky, too, mon?"

Again as if on cue, something that could be considered a hatch fell off the side, releasing more foul, choking smoke and spilling three burnt, soot-covered tiny women (each of which was oddly attractive) out onto the sand, coughing and hacking as they tried to clear their lungs and breathe in some fresh air.

One of the women, who had red eyes and a pair of small black wings and _might_ have been white-haired under all that soot, punched another one, who _might _have been blond with swirly green pupil-less eyes and a scarf that seemed to sprout wings at the ends, knocking her out cold as she slammed her head against the hull of the burning ship. "I _told_ you she was never to be let near the wheel again," said tough-girl (And possible Goth, if the clothes she was wearing had always been black instead of being charred completely by the wreck) informed the third woman coldly.

"Sorry," the third, who _might_ have been a brunette with one blue eye and one green eye and had most of her hair back in a long rattail down to her ankles apologized. "She promised she'd do better this time…"

"And you _believed_ her?" the tough-girl said in disbelief. "Great, now we're stuck on some backwater world totally off the charts that probably doesn't have any treasure whatsoever. We'll probably be stuck here forever and be forced to mate with whatever inbred hicks live here to reproduce instead of doing it with the more civilized and appealing males back in Fairyworld.."

Both Wakka and Tidus looked at each other gleefully, shouted "THANK YOU!" to whatever benevolent force had granted their wish, and ran over to introduce themselves to the miniature (but very attractive) ladies. Selphie, forgotten by her friends, continued running around in circles and screaming until she ran into a wall and knocked herself out.

…

Back with our other trio, er, sextet…

"Sora, can't you level this thing out?" Namine, who had switched places with Kairi for the moment, asked, frowning and squinting as she tried to make out an almost microscopic pod of whales in the ocean below. "We're too high up, I can barely see (or draw) anything from up here."

"What do you think I've been trying to do for the last few minutes?" asked Sora, his voice betraying a hint of anxiety. "This thing seems to be rising all on its own! I'm not even sure I'm actually steering it anymore!"

"What?" asked an alarmed Riku. "Give me that!" He knocked Sora's hands away from the wheel and tugged on it experimentally. "It's stuck! It won't move!"

There was a brief flash of light as a worried Namine swapped places with Kairi again, who unbuckled herself and leaned over in between Sora and Riku, who were frantically tugging at the wheel as the Gummi ship flew higher and higher, an altimeter on the control panel showing they were several thousand feet away from the planet's surface and getting closer to the edge of the atmosphere. "Uh, guys, what's that blinking light there?" she asked.

They both looked. Sora's eyes widened, for this one at least he knew for certain. "That's the autopilot! The ship's driving itself!"

Riku sighed in exasperation. "Wow, guess the King must have _really_ wanted us to come to that summit if he's resorting to a crooked trick like this."

_I knew he had it in him! _Xehanort cackled. _At this rate, it won't be long before he goes mad with power and becomes a depraved tyrant, casting all the Realm of Light into DARKNESS!_

_Sora, if you swap with me I can portal us out of here,_ Roxas urgently informed his brother Other.

"Yeah, but if you do we'll lose the ship! I mean, I don't want to get dragged away from home just yet, especially not since it'll just make our parents think we're dead or have run away or something, but it means we might never get another chance to travel the worlds again!"

_We could just PORTAL_ _to those others worlds, you know,_ Namine pointed out.

"Yeah, but the more we do that the more we risk losing our hearts, since we're not creatures of darkness," Riku pointed out. "Well…not _completely_, anyway. And while I'm sure we could travel a lot using Roxas and Namine's portalling ability, since they technically have hearts now there's no telling what'll happen to Sora and Kairi if we use the Dark Corridors too much."

_Sounds like an excellent idea to me,_ Xehanort said gleefully. _Do it! Submit to the darkness!_

"No," Riku said flatly.

"I won't abandon this ship if we don't have to, we just got it!" Sora said stubbornly. He messed with the control panel for a few moments, the tension building as they rose higher and higher through the atmosphere. "The controls aren't responding, whatever triggered the autopilot must have locked them out."

"Well if that's the case," Kairi asked, summoning her flowery Keyblade. "Why don't we just _un_lock it?"

Sora grinned. "Great idea!" He and Riku called their Keyblades as well and got out of their seats to get a better angle, all three pointing the tips of the mystical weapons at the control panel and began gathering power…

Only for them to lose concentration as the Gummi ship broke free from the last vestiges of the planet's atmosphere and enter the colorful, shifting infinity of interspace, allowing them to see what was awaiting them in orbit.

Warships. Fighters of all colors and shapes. Cruisers. Ghost pirate ships. Hunters and Hunter-Xs. Reaper's Wheels. Tremendous wedge-shaped battleships. No less than FIVE moon-sized Dreadnoughts. An entire armada of Heartless and Nobody space vehicles circling the planet in an enormous belt like the rings of a gas giant, floating ominously as if waiting for the command to unleash utter destruction on the helpless world below. As their ship approached the waiting ring of orbital death machines, the Disney crest peeled off the hull outside, revealing the elongated heart-shaped emblem with a barbed-wire X across it, the sign of the Heartless.

Sora said a very bad word, which was indicative of how bad the situation was since very bad words were usually Riku or Roxas' department.

"There's…there's so _many_ of them…" Kairi whispered, horrified.

"Damn it!" Riku shouted angrily, pounding his fist on the unresponsive control panel. "It was a trap! That letter wasn't from King Mickey at all, just a trick to get us to lower Destiny Islands' barrier and leave it completely helpless! I KNEW there was something wrong with that message; it didn't smell a thing like His Majesty!"

Xehanort cackled insanely. _Magnificent! I don't know if I could have done better myself! And now, your pitiful world will be consumed by darkness FOREVER! Again!_

_I…I don't understand…_ whispered a confused and horrified Roxas. _The Heartless and Nobodies HATE each other…they rip each other to shreds on principle! Why…why are they working together?!_

"We'll have to figure that out later," Kairi resolved. "Right now we have to get back to the surface and close the barrier back up again! It might not be able to stop all of the forces on those ships from portalling to the surface, but at least all these ships will be unable to do anything like bombard the world from orbit or something!"

_Swap with me, Riku…I'll make sure your friends make it to safety…_ Xehanort promised, a very, very evil grin on his nonexistent saying otherwise.

"Hell no!"

_I'll do it,_ Namine said. _Kairi, switch-_

"Wait!" said Sora suddenly. "Do you guys smell something?"

Riku frowned and sniffed the air a few times, surprised his heightened senses hadn't noticed it before. "Hey, yeah…now that you mention-" His voice cut off as he suddenly collapsed, falling unconscious due to the almost odorless nerve gas that had been pumped into the cockpit ever since the ship had left orbit. Kairi was next to succumb, and Sora, struggle valiantly though he did, soon joined his friends, the last thing he saw was the shrinking form of his homeworld as the Gummi ship holding them captive flew past the ring of warships and out into deep space, the last thing he heard Roxas' frantic pleas for him to wake up…

I told you this wouldn't be what you expected, didn't I dear readers?

…

Three bodies lay still in the Gummi ship's cockpit as it flew silently through the swirling and colorful reaches of interspace, past asteroids and nebulae, drifting blocks of Gummi and floating islands, shattered ruins and remnants of destroyed worlds, and more worlds and stars than one could count just from the night sky.

The three bodies were joined by three more presences, however, as each body's respective 'guest' manifested outside their host's form and desperately tried to wake their Others up. (Well, Roxas and Namine did anyway.) "Sora! Sora!" The blond-haired, blue-eyed Roxas said desperately, trying to shake his 'twin' and feeling nothing but frustration as his transparent arms passed right through Sora's body, for while projecting himself out of Sora he was little more than a ghost. "Come on bro, wake up!"

"Roxas, I don't think we can," Namine said anxiously, nervously wringing her hands. "That gas must be really potent; I can barely feel Kairi at all."

"Is it poisonous?!" asked an alarmed Roxas. If it were, that might mean he didn't have much time left to exist. Since he and Sora shared the same body, if one died, so did the other, and if Sora were poisoned…

Namine shook her head quickly. "No, I don't think it's fatal, thank goodness. I…I wouldn't want to lose Kairi, now that I'm one with her again. Just like…I would never want to lose _you_, Roxas." She smiled at him. Blushing somehow despite his lack of blood due to his being a noncorporeal spirit, Roxas smiled back.

"Very touching," Xehanort said with a sneer, reminding them he was still there. Since he was not a near-exact clone of his host like Roxas and Namine were, he was a far taller and intimidating figure than Riku (not that Riku couldn't be intimidating if he tried). He loomed over them, arms crossed over his bare chest and the Heartless emblem fastened over his torso, the ends of his long coat fluttering in a nonexistent wind. His long white hair and glowing yellow eyes reminded the former Nobodies far too much of the expired Superior of the Organization they had both been a part of, Xemnas…which was no surprise, seeing as how Xemnas was Xehanort's Nobody. But Xehanort, as a Heartless, possessed the emotion Xemnas did not, a cold malevolent hateful fury burning in his eyes and a malicious smile on his face rather than the visage of a man who, try as he might, could not express any real feeling other than the emptiness yawning inside him, and all other Nobodies. "But ultimately futile! Now that my keeper has been rendered unconscious, his brainwaves suppressed in dreamless sleep, I am free to take full control of his body once again….and when I have flesh once more, I will slaughter your helpless Others and cast you Nobodies back into the oblivion from which you were spawned!"

"Uh, but if you possess Riku's body, won't you be helpless too, since his body's still paralyzed from the nerve gas like ours are?" Roxas pointed out.

There was a long, awkward moment. "Oh," Xehanort said, looking rather lost and disgruntled. "Well…er…" His eyes lit up. "I'll just have to destroy you two, then. Since we are all three spirits, our attacks can damage each other, possibly to the point of total discorporation. If I eliminate you two, the resulting psychological damage to your hosts, as well as the incredible power loss they will suffer due to your destruction, will be incomparable! Their weakness will make it that much easier for me to conquer Riku's heart once more and have my revenge on those accursed Keybearers!" Grinning evilly, he summoned his halberd in a burst of darkness.

"Namine, get back!" Roxas said gallantly, stepping forward and summoning his trademark Keyblades, radiant Oathkeeper and dark Oblivion. "I've been waiting a long time for this, Heartless…"

"As have I, Nobody," Xehanort spat.

"Roxas, wait!" Namine said suddenly. "Didn't Riku tell us there's something we should do if Xehanort should ever become a real threat again if he were ever somehow incapacitated? Some technique DiZ or the King taught him to decrease Xehanort's power and make him easier to control?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, that's right!" Roxas realized, his Keyblades vanishing as he stepped back beside Namine. "Now, how'd that go again…"

"Ha! Don't be preposterous, no technique can lessen my darkness!" Xehanort boasted, until he saw the two Nobodies fix him with steely eyes and mocking grins. "NO! DON'T!" he cried in horror, realizing they weren't bluffing.

It was too late. Roxas and Namine opened their mouths…

And began to sing. "It's a world of laughter, a world of tears-"

"NOOOO!" Xehanort howled in rage and terror, his halberd vanishing.

"It's a world of hope, and a world of fears-"

"Not…that…SONG!" Xehanort moaned dramatically, falling to his knees in pain, his power draining from him.

"There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware"

"Curse you Riku! Curse you King! Curse you DiZ!" Xehanort wept, bitter tears falling down his cheeks as the song echoed throughout the cockpit. "I will have vengeance for this!"

"It's a small world after allll!"

And so the Gummi ship continued on its merry way, silent save for Roxas and Namine's singing and Xehanort's screams of anguish.

…

It was not until some hours later that the duo stopped their singing, judging the whimpering, cowering, rocking Xehanort to be no threat for the time being. By that point, the ship had left the Realm of Light altogether, passing through the intermediary zone inhabited by the single large planet which contained Traverse Town, Twilight Town, Castle Oblivion, some other features of note, and the orbiting moon on which the great sorcerer Yen Sid lived and into the very edge of the Realm of Darkness. There, just within the borders of the universe where light never shined and darkness reigned supreme, on the edge of even greater darkness which crushed all who journeyed into it unprepared, lay a single world, a world without sun or stars or anything at all to light up its empty, pitch-black skies.

The World that Never Was.

It was not too long, really, since they had last been in this place, when Sora and Riku had toppled the Organization utterly, doing tons of property damage in the process. Roxas and Namine knew this world well, since it had been their home ever since they were conceived…if you could call a great city devoid of life and hope and a great floating castle full of Nobodies who ranged from either being completely unemotional to pretending as if they had feelings to harboring ridiculously homicidal tendencies to almost clinical depression home. It had not been a very happy place to exist, if you could have called their form of being back then existing.

They had left it in the dust, barely giving it a second thought in the aftermath of their great victory and rejoicing in their new, vibrant world of colors and tastes and sensations and real, genuine, honest _emotion_. Why bother reminding oneself intentionally of such an awful, dead place as the World that Never Was when you had a paradise such as the Destiny Islands to live in? Despite all the good times they (okay, just Roxas really) might have had in this place, neither of them missed it in the slightest. And neither of them was happy to be returning there.  
Especially since it had _changed_ since they had abandoned it.

"What _happened_ here?!" Roxas asked in disbelief, looking out across the vast, seemingly endless expanse of Dark City in amazement.

"It's like…a whole new world," Namine agreed, shaking her head slowly.

And so it was. When last either of them had seen it, Dark City had been a dismal place full of towering dark skyscrapers, many of which had lights on but nobody was home. (Both literally and figuratively, since the world was inhabited by Nobodies.) The streets had been empty save for wandering Nobodies looking for some sense of purpose or anything to fill the gaping void of their existence whenever they were not on call for their masters in the Organization, and tremendous packs of Heartless, drawn to this world by the incredible darkness of this place and the hearts making up the great moon-like form of Kingdom Hearts the Organization had constructed high above their floating castle. They roamed the streets and back alleys of the city, lurking in the depths of the darkest shadows, waiting for prey in the form of any Nobody foolish enough to wander their way by itself…or for even more succulent prey, stray hearts from the great collection they all yearned for which hung above them all, tastes of the magnificent conglomeration which was itself but a pale shadow of the TRUE glory…of their true home, far off but near, the deepest darkness enshrouding the heart of all things.

But that moon was gone now, absorbed by Xemnas in his mad plans to gain himself a new heart and to grant hearts to all Nobodies…a plan that would have been nobler had it not been for the methods used to gain those hearts….the lives destroyed, the worlds shattered, the hearts claimed by darkness…all to build a Kingdom Hearts of their own and allow them to be whole once more. The ends did not justify the means.

And in the end, it had all been for naught anyway. DiZ's machinations and the power of the Keyblade had seen to that, shattering the heart-moon and forfeiting so many more hearts to darkness, and finally bringing an end to Xemnas himself. The Organization had died that day, and the hopes of all Nobodies with it, save for Roxas and Namine.

But something new had clearly taken its place. The empty, dark skyscrapers were now lit up from within and without by streetlights, spotlights, illuminated windows, and great neon signs and electronic billboards which crackled with life instead of being dead and dark. Speeders and flying vehicles or machines sped through the city high above the streets, but not above the highest skyscraper, for there is where much larger vessels patrolled, Cruisers and battleships floating over the city, shining searchlights down on the teeming populace to make sure all was well…and to keep things in order through intimidation, no doubt.

And what of this populace? Why, none other than Heartless. More Heartless ran through the streets than Roxas had ever seen before. There were thousands of them, millions even, migrating all over the place on some errand or other, herded by larger, more powerful Heartless to keep the smaller ones in line. There were Nobodies as well, but they were in the minority (which wasn't a surprise; there had always been fewer of them than Heartless). What was _really_ strange, though, was how groups of Nobodies and Heartless packs passed each other frequently on their errands through the cities and didn't even make any motions at attacking each other. It was almost as if the instinctual enmity between the two species had been completely forgotten. The fact that vessels and vehicles either bearing the Heartless emblem or the Nobody insignia occupied the same airspace without opening fire at each other further emphasized this point.

Something was very wrong here. The city looked more alive than either Roxas or Namine could ever remember seeing it…but all those down below were dead, inhabitants of the worlds who had once lived only for their hearts or bodies to be swallowed by the darkness, leaving them as little more than empty shells or unstoppable monsters. So how had both come to dominate this city, and in such vast quantities at that?

"Fascinating…" Xehanort whispered as he came to join Namine and Roxas at looking out through the cockpit dome, revived by the darkness here. "What a marvelous world we have here…one completely overrun by darkness, yet still habitable…in a fashion." He grinned ghoulishly. "I think I rather like it here."

"I don't," said Namine timidly, glancing out at a nearby skyscraper they passed which had a large digital billboard of a Shadow Heartless sipping from a pack of blood, GOT HEART? Glowing in big red letters underneath it as it ripped more blood out of a screaming victim and devoured its heart. "I never liked it here, and I like it even less now."

"Who's responsible for all this?" wondered an incredulous Roxas as fighters much like the ships that had been surrounding Destiny Islands when they had left it behind flew by them in great droves.

Before they could speculate any further on the person responsible, a loud groan from behind them told them that their hosts were waking up. "Uhhh…what?" Sora asked, grimacing as he rubbed his head, feeling like his skin was on fire. "Ow…what hit me?"

"Some kinda nerve gas," Roxas said, kneeling next to his brother. "You okay?"

"Yeah…just a sec…Curaga!" Tinkling green bells appeared overhead and sprinkled green glitter down on them, healing their aches and pains and speeding up the awakening process.

The first thing Riku did when he was fully conscious was glare at Xehanort's projection. "Okay you, get back in here!" He spread his arms out.

"This isn't over!" Xehanort cried as he found himself inexorably drawn into Riku's body. "You can never get rid of meeeee!" He was gone. Visually anyway, now he was back in Riku's head or heart or wherever where he belonged.

"Where are we?" Kairi asked, rubbing her head. She stared in horror when she saw the vista outside their cockpit, the transformed Dark City…brighter now, but somehow even darker in essence than ever before. "Please tell me I'm hallucinating or something."

"Afraid not," said Namine. "This is all real."

"This is ridiculous," said a stunned Sora, looking out at the huge city, at the seemingly endless armies of Heartless and Nobodies patrolling the streets, at the hundreds of ships and vehicles flying by, bristling with weapons and filling up the skyline beneath the watchful spotlights of the huge battleships floating high above in the empty, starless sky. "We _trashed_ this place. I thoroughly remember trashing it. How'd they rebuild it so fast, even worse than before?!"

"And for that matter," agreed Roxas. "_Who_ rebuilt it? Who managed to get the Heartless and Nobodies to work _together_ for once instead of using or fighting each other?"

"I know," Riku said in a voice far too calm and quiet, staring straight ahead out the front of the dome. "There's only one person who could have, now."

They turned to look. And then all things became clear.

The Gummi ship, still following its preprogrammed flight plan, was carrying them towards its final destination. At one point, it had been the Castle that Never Was, headquarters of Organization XIII. But that castle had crashed down during Sora and Riku's final battle with Xemnas, crumbling along with the madman's ambitions and ill-gained hearts. But a certain someone had clearly rebuilt it, raising it back into the skies above Dark City, better than new. Or, perhaps I should say _worser._

The castle, once an austere and lifeless white, had been repainted and reconstructed with a techno-gothic theme in mind. Now it was almost completely black, save for the immense blood-red neon Heartless emblem glowing on the castle's central keep, as well as on each one of its towers, of which there were many, jutting out from the sides of the central keep on spike-lined supports and growing on top of each other, their tops curved inward like claws reaching at the keep, which rose incredibly high above all the other towers. Said keep had several large protrusions growing from its sides in the shapes of horrific grinning demon heads, yellow eyes glowing brightly amidst the black spiky walls of the castle. The keep's structure narrowed as it grew higher, more and more small towers and crenellations jutting out of its sides as it rose, until its tip was like a hideously barbed arrow aimed into the endless void that was the sky, as if to pierce it and bring forth even greater darkness. Spotlights mounted here and there pivoted back and forth constantly, creating sweeping beams of light which cut paths through the sky and on the city, illuminating the myriad ships which swarmed around the castle, coming and going constantly from its many hangars. Yellow and red jagged lines ran up the sides of the castle like power conduits, indicating the flow of energy throughout the massive structure. Dark clouds swirled around the jagged peak of the keep, crackling and glowing unearthly supernatural colors as green and purple lightning lanced down and occasionally struck the towers. A swirling green vortex of fire hung behind the castle as a backdrop, moving wherever it did and adding to the pulsating glow of evil which radiated from every inch of it.

But that enough did not tell them the identity of the architect behind all this. No, that was obvious when they saw the thorns.

Enormous black roots sprouting thorns curled and twisted their way around many of the towers, constricting them and keeping them locked forever in their grasp like great spiked tentacles. They hung down from the castle's underside as well in great droves, a huge tangled mass sprouting from the revolving spiky disk-shaped apparatus housing the impressively powerful antigravity devices keeping the entire castle airborne.

"Maleficent," Riku hissed as if it were the vilest curse word.

"I guess it was too much to have hoped she got eaten by the Heartless, huh?" Kairi asked with a sigh.

"She did say that when we won, she'd take the castle for herself…" Sora said, his shoulders sagging at the enormity of what had happened since they had last left this world. "Guess she meant it."

"That bitch!" Roxas said angrily. "All my old stuff was still in there!"

…

It was not long before the ship landed in one of the enormous docking structures extending from the myriad towers of the dark castle, setting down gently on a platform all to itself. This was because otherwise there wouldn't be room for the welcoming committee waiting at the dock to greet them.

The trio—sorry, sextet—stared out apprehensively, at the many, many, _many_ Heartless and Nobodies waiting for them. Closest to the platform were the most expendable, Shadows, Neoshadows, Soldiers, Dusks, and Creepers. The more powerful creatures of darkness stood in ranks behind the disposable ones; there were Large Bodies, Darkballs, Guard and Opposite Armors, Invisible, every variety of the color-coded music-themed spellcasting Heartless, Wizards, Armored Knights, Assault Riders, Bolt Towers, Cannon Guns, Fortunetellers, Graveyards, Living Bones, Morning Stars, Grim Reapers, a Trickmaster or two, a few pairs of Volcano Lords and Blizzard Lords, Dark Thorns, Prison Keepers, Berserkers, Dragoons, Sorcerers, Gamblers, and Samurai. Sharpshooters and Sniperwilds were mounted on nearby towers and other high ledges and thorned roots, giving them the optimal view of the ship and the targets inside. Air Soldiers, Angel Stars, Gargoyles, Wyverns, Aeroplanes, Hook Bats, swarms of Rapid Thrusters, Surveillance Robots, and even a Storm Rider circled overhead, along with several Nobody mechanoids in the form of Speeders, Floaters, and Missilers. And if that weren't enough, at the very back of the enormous army, close to where the docking platform went inside a large hollowed-out hangar, were no less than four Darksides, three Twilight Thorns, and two Kurt Zisas. Just to make things _really_ difficult.

All in all there had to be at least four thousand Heartless and Nobody monsters waiting for them outside their ship, if not more, more than any of them had ever beaten in one sitting.

The cockpit opened, the ship fulfilling the last instruction in its programming. And in doing so, Sora, Roxas, Riku, Xehanort, Kairi, and Namine found themselves all too exposed to the endless horde of monsters, all of which no doubt wanted them to die very badly so they could take their hearts. Both Sora and Riku said very bad words this time.

"Uh…guys?" Kairi asked nervously. "What do we do?"

_If we switch and I open a portal,_ Namine said nervously, having recombined with her host just like Roxas as the ship came in for a landing. _Those snipers and the aerial brigade and the ranged attackers on the ground will blast us to smithereens before we can even think of getting out of here. Not even Sora, Roxas and Riku can deflect bolts from that many angles…_

"Hey, don't be so sure," Sora said. "Xemnas tried a similar trick, bombarding us with laser shots from every angle almost simultaneously."

_Yeah, but there was only one of Xemnas, and he was already getting tired from the long fight,_ Roxas pointed out. _There are THOUSANDS of these guys, with an unbelievable array of different attacks rather than standardized laser shots…and there's more than enough of them so that we might miss just one bolt from all the pressure, or let the ones who rely on more physical attacks get too close, and then…_ He trailed off, the inevitable conclusion of such an event looming horribly in their minds. _Even the strongest Reflega spell we have or Riku's Dark Shield won't stand up to such a barrage long enough for Namine or me to switch and open a portal._ Sora gritted his teeth, knowing this was truth. There was still another option, fuse with Riku and Kairi to Drive into Final Form, but…even Final Form had its limits, and Maleficent would probably be able to easily call in enough reinforcements to overwhelm him, if she could so easily call out this many just to form a welcoming committee. And besides, there was always the possibility that one of his darkest fears might come true…that he might Drive and accidentally become what he hated most…to lose himself forever in the unspeakable darkness of his Anti Form, and possibly take his best friends with him.

No, he could never do that. But…was the alternative any better?

_Riku,_ Xehanort whispered. _Just switch with me, Riku…and I'll make all these naughty creatures go away…_

"No! I'd rather die than unleash you again!" Riku snarled.

Xehanort laughed. _That may be what is about to happen, Riku…and when you die, I will be free to roam the worlds again, and use this vast army Maleficent has gathered to my advantage. Think carefully. Time is running out._

Riku gritted his teeth and glanced at his companions. "Sora?"

"Yeah?" asked the brunette.

The girly-haired one gave him a hard look. "This might be it."

He nodded unhappily. "Yeah. I know."

Riku's Keyblade, Way to the Dawn, appeared in his hand. "Then we'll go out fighting, right?"

Ultima Weapon formed in Sora's hands. "Right."

"Don't forget me," Kairi said, taking out her own Keyblade.

"How could we? We could never forget you," Sora said seriously.

"Which is why when we make our move and draw all their attention to us, you have to switch with Namine and get out of here _immediately_," Riku agreed.

"_What?!"_ Kairi and Namine screamed. "No way! I'm not leaving you guys!"

"You're too important to us, Kairi, Namine…and everyone else, too!" Sora said with great determination. "Somebody needs to survive this! Somebody needs to let the King know that Maleficent's built up her power here; somebody needs to sound the alarm! And at the moment, the best person to do that is you!"

Kairi hesitated. "Sora…Riku…"

_Roxas…_ Namine said uneasily.

_You have to,_ Roxas said fiercely. _Doesn't matter if we die, as long as you make it out okay. That's all that matters._

"Kairi!" said Sora. "Promise me than when the time comes, you'll run, okay? And don't look back!"

"Sora…"

"Promise me, Kairi!"

"…All right…" she whispered, caving in. She began to cry, fearing this was the last time she would ever see her friends again. "I'll run."

Sora nodded. "Okay then. Riku, Roxas, you ready?"

"Ready!"

_Ready._

"All right. On three, then-"

"Hold!" a familiar high; cruel voice rang out across the loading dock. "Surely you're not going to do something foolish, now are you?"

"Well, of course they are," said an equally familiar voice, though this one was deeper, gruffer and less refined. "They're just dumb brats, what do they know?"

Riku's nostrils flared and his pupils dilated, recognizing the dark scent instantly. _"You…"_

The ranks of Heartless and Nobodies parted, all of them bowing, even the mighty Kurt Zisas, as a huge chariot the size of the Gummi ship rolled out across the platform, dragged by a pair of immense purple Behemoths, lightning crackling off their horns and tusks. In the chariot were several bodyguard Defender Heartless and Sorcerer Nobodies, along with a rather large and fat vaguely catlike creature wearing light blue armor over a red suit made for his thick form. They were clustered around a tall, spiky throne mounted on a large stone platform taking up a large part of the chariot.

Seated in that throne was an inhuman woman, her body veiled in a dark ragged cloak, her face and hands a pale green with horns growing from her head in place of hair. A pitch-black raven with evil eyes sat on her shoulder, cawing and staring hungrily at the seemingly doomed heroes. She carried a tall, thin black scepter with a green crystal ball at its top, and wore a thinly veiled smug smile that seemed to say she was on top of everything and had triumphed over all that had been thrown at her, even these latest nuisances.

Maleficent, the mistress of evil, had returned, mightier than ever.

Her smile growing, Maleficent stood up from her throne. The stone platform it was mounted on glowed and began to levitate off the chariot, Pete and some of the bodyguards hopping on quickly before they could be left behind. "Welcome, Sora, master of the Keyblade; Riku, Traitor to the Darkness; and Kairi, Seventh Princess of Heart. Welcome, all, to…"

_The instant she says 'your doom' or 'your demise' or something like that, we charge at her and take out anything that gets in our way,_ Roxas told Sora. He nodded silently in agreement. Riku tensed beside him, clearly having the same thought. Xehanort watched gleefully, waiting for the freedom he was certain drew near. Kairi and Namine took a deep breath, preparing to make the switch…

And all six were surprised by what Maleficent said next.

"…My wedding!"

Sora and Riku, who had been in the process of leaping at her, stumbled. "Huh?!"

"What did she just say?!" Kairi cried.

Maleficent smiled broadly. "Welcome to my wedding!"

"WEDDING?!" the adolescents screamed.

"That's right, kiddoes!" Pete said proudly. "Maleficent and I are getting married, and you're invited!"

…

Who among you dear readers saw that coming? Told you this would be interesting.


	2. She's marrying WHO!

Dear reader, if you thought the last chapter was full of surprises; wait till you see everything that happens here.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any related characters.

…

There was a long, long pause as the tri—I mean, sextet, processed Maleficent and Pete's announcement. Their faces flickered from shock to disbelief to disgust then back to shock, held stable a long while on disgust, went back to disbelief, then lingered for a while on plain confusion. "You're…getting married? To each other?" Sora asked, just to be clear.

"Yes," said Maleficent.

"What?" asked an offended Pete. "Is that too hard to believe?"

_YES!_ Roxas shouted.

_Nooooooo!_ Xehanort wailed, thrashing back and forth inside Riku's head or heart or wherever. _Maleficent, how could you?! I thought we shared something special!!_

Riku's eyes widened in horror as he heard this, and exchanged shocked glances with his friends. "Okay, that's a little too much information…" he murmured.

_Special? Didn't you stab her in the heart with a dark keyblade and turn her into a giant dragon?_ Asked a confused Namine.

_That was clearly a sexual metaphor representing my true feelings!_ Xehanort sobbed. _The Keyblade represented-_

"OKAY, WE GET IT!" they all yelled, getting confused looks from Maleficent and Pete.

_And besides, I was making her more beautiful,_ Xehanort continued, even though absolutely none of them wanted to hear. _I thought she was rather attractive as a giant fire-breathing dragon…_

"Ugh," said a rather disgusted Kairi, for this told them all far much more than they had ever wanted to know about Xehanort's sexual preferences.

"Uh, Namine, can you chain that memory down please?" Sora asked anxiously. "I really don't want to remember him saying that…"

"Who are they talking to?" the disturbed Maleficent whispered to Pete, for neither of them were capable of hearing the other half of the conversation within the sextet, only seeing the physical trio. To them, it just looked as if Sora and Kairi were talking to thin air and Riku was banging his head against a console, shouting for somebody to shut up and stop crying, and threatening to sing 'It's a Small World after all'.

"You're asking me?" he grunted.

She scowled. "Were they always this…unhinged? I don't recall."

"Maybe your evil presence was so powerful and imposing that it drove them mad," Pete joked.

"Ah, yes, that must be it," the dark fairy said with a nod, taking it seriously. Pete rolled his eyes. "Well, while this really is amusing…would you three stop being such fools and pay attention already?!"

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Sora said apologetically.

_Why are you apologizing to her? She's an evil bitch who dragged us all the way from home for some stupid wedding!_ Roxas demanded.

"That's no excuse to be rude," Sora said with a frown.

…_You've been rude to bad guys lots of times!_ Roxas yelled. _Like with Demyx, for instance. If he had a heart, he'd have been sobbing like a baby. Heck, he almost did anyway when you killed him. The big wuss._

"Well, maybe I want to try being more polite instead of as rude as you can be," said a somewhat annoyed Sora.

"Well, you can start by stopping talking to yourself and PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!" bellowed a furious Maleficent, who was enraged that they kept ignoring her. The visible trio started and quickly looked at her. "Now," she said sweetly. "As we were saying, Pete and I are getting married."

"Why?" Riku blurted.

Pete glared at him. "Because we're in love! Duh." The heroes stared at him. "What? Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yes," they said flatly, while Xehanort continued sobbing and reciting painful and angsty love sonnets in Maleficent's honor. Pete's lip quivered and he turned away so as not to show them how much that accusation hurt his feelings.

Rolling her eyes, Maleficent awkwardly patted Pete's shoulder in what was meant to be comforting and reassuring but came out more like a push that almost knocked the big catlike thing off the floating platform, or would have if one of the bodyguard Defenders hadn't steadied Pete before he could lose his balance completely. It was clear the witch wasn't used to this 'showing positive emotions' thing. "The reasons behind our marriage are between Pete and I and none of your business. All that is relevant to you is that you have been invited to our wedding as guests and you will stay as such…or else."

"Or else what?" Riku challenged.

Maleficent smirked and gestured with her free hand, causing a ring of green fire to form in the air and create a window of sorts through which they could see their home planet…still surrounded by the ring of deadly orbiting battleships, brimming with weapons and ready to devastate the defenseless world at a moment's notice. "Or else I'll order the fleet I dispatched to your world to attack…and then, the Destiny Islands will be no more. Again."

Kairi gasped. "Oh no!"

"So it _was_ you that sent the letter!" Sora realized as Roxas seethed within him, even though it had pretty much already been a foregone conclusion. "So we'd lower the barrier!"

"Oh, you mean that little invitation?" Maleficent asked sinisterly. "Yes, I sent it."

"And I forged the King's handwriting!" Pete said proudly. "A little talent of mine, one of many things I've learned over the years, like how to blow bubbles with my nose, or belch the alphabet." They stared at Pete for a moment, and then decided to pretend he hadn't said anything.

"How else could we have deceived you into lowering the barrier and leaving the island defenseless?" the witch continued smugly. "And besides, there's no other way you would have possibly agreed to come to my wedding if I had out-and-out asked you, now would you?"

"You bitch!" Riku yelled angrily, his rage manifesting in the form of a powerful Dark Aura projectile which flew from his hand and past the hastily raised shields and barriers of the Defender Heartless and Sorcerer Nobodies…only to fizzle out and disappear before it could strike Maleficent in the face. "Huh?"

"You don't think I anticipated this?" the witch sneered. "I knew you fools would react furiously to my little trap…so before you got here, I activated a spell both powerful and ancient, the awesome magic of Truce!"

"Truce?" asked a confused Sora. "What's that?"

"Isn't a truce something two opposing groups make to agree they won't try to kill each other for a certain length of time?" Kairi asked.

Maleficent nodded. "Precisely! Once invoked, the power of Truce prevents groups that are normally enemies from being able to do any harm to each other."

"Which means we can't hurt you…" Riku realized slowly.

"And we can't kill you twerps," Pete finished, almost apologetically. "Oh well, maybe another time."

Riku was skeptical. "Really? Why don't I quite believe this?"

Maleficent frowned. "Your attack didn't work. That wasn't proof enough for you?"

"No," he said flatly. "That could easily have been neutralized by any number of magical shields."

The witch sighed. "Oh, fine. Allow me to demonstrate." She raised a hand. All the soldiers surrounding the Gummi ship tensed up. "READY…"

"NO, WAIT!" the adolescents screamed in alarm.

"FIRE!"

Before the trio/sextet could defend themselves, the air was suddenly full of incredibly powerful energy beams, arrows, lasers, bullets, cannonballs, energy blasts, cyclones, spells, and various other kinds of lethal projectiles, all of which crashed down on the Gummi ship in a wave of unstoppable force that not even the almighty Keyblades could deflect…

And vanished completely before it could even touch them. "There, you see?" Maleficent told the three terrified, sweating, nerve-jangled heroes. "We can't touch you." To further demonstrate, she hurled a bolt of green fire at them, which vanished just like everything else had. "That's the power of Truce. We can't hurt you, and you can't hurt us. We are both forced into a state of neutrality and have no choice but to acknowledge each other's right to existence and allow it to continue."

"But wait, why would you do something like this?" Sora asked in confusion, trying to stop his trembling. "I mean, luring us here but making it so you CAN'T kill us or anything?"

"Because it's my wedding day," Maleficent asked with a frown, as if it were obvious. "And even though I would love nothing better than for you to die horribly on the happiest day of any woman's life, I want absolutely _nothing_ to go wrong on my wedding day, which I am almost certain it would if do-gooders like you three were allowed to do as you pleased and ruin my magnificent city. In fact, since even _more_ people like you have been invited…or lured…to my wedding, the Truce spell is absolutely imperative. Especially since I have, naturally, also invited a large number of representatives from the forces of evil to attend, and they are often prone to fighting you do-gooders, or lacking any like you, each other. The only way to keep them all from killing each other and wrecking my wonderful new city in the process is by forcing them to through magical means, and so I cast Truce."

_Something still doesn't add up,_ said a confused Namine. _Why would she even invite good-aligned people like us in the first place?_ Kairi asked just that.

"Why isn't it obvious?" Maleficent asked rhetorically. "The reason I invited you and many other world leaders or important figures from the Realm of Light is simple…so that you may all tremble in fear at the display of my vast new power! This city, this entire world, completely under my control, and as we speak producing an army unlike any the universe has ever seen before, one which shall dominate it completely!"

"Oh, I see," Riku said with a nod. "She's doing it to show off."

"What?!" Maleficent huffed.

"Yeah, that's what I said too," Pete said knowingly. "Plus, she's inviting all those other bad guys to shove this place in their faces and show them how stronger she's gotten…and to make all her ex-boyfriends jealous." Maleficent scowled and whacked Pete on the head with her staff. "Ow!"

_It's certainly working for Xehanort,_ said Roxas, for the evil spirit was still sobbing and trying to think of a good evil-sounding word that rhymed with Maleficent's name. _But, wait…she has exes?! That implies she's had boyfriends in the past…which means…_

"_Ewww!"_ everyone shuddered in disgust at the thought, save Xehanort, who was now rather envious and still depressed and wished he could stuff himself with ice cream. Not sea-salt flavored though, that flavor brought back too many memories…which, of course, is why Riku commonly ate it, to piss him off.

"Wait, but since she's marrying Pete, doesn't that mean they're going to…" Sora started, slowly trailing off as his eyes widened in horror.

"_EWWWWW!"_ they all shuddered again, save once more for an envious Xehanort.

"Namine, please chain that memory down!" Kairi screamed.

_No way!_ She huffed. _I don't want to be the only one to remember that…and I'm certainly not going to chain my own memory down, the last time I did that I couldn't remember how to put my clothes on right or walk or even eat properly for weeks, I was a drooling wreck! If I'm going to remember it, then so is everyone else!_

"_That's not fair!"_ Roxas and Sora protested.

_Tough luck, buster!_

"Who are you all talking to?!" an exasperated Maleficent demanded. "And what exactly is so disgusting?!"

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Kairi apologized. "We're just talking to the voices in our heads." Maleficent's eyes widened at that. She exchanged glances with Pete, and then quickly levitated her platform a few feet back, just in case the children's insanity was contagious. "My, I really must turn down my presence," the witch murmured to herself. "Don't want all my guests going crazy…though that might be interesting…" Pete rolled his eyes and said nothing.

"So, anyway, just to recap, you're getting married and have invited us, a bunch of other good guys and bad guys, and used some Truce magic to keep everyone from beating each other up. Right?" Sora summarized.

"Precisely," said Maleficent.

"So…if that's the case, then why'd you scare us with this huge welcoming committee if they couldn't actually harm us?!" he demanded.

"Why to intimidate you, of course," the witch said smugly. "And to see the look of _fear_ on your faces…" She cackled, while the adolescents glared at her hatefully.

_If that Truce thing ever goes down, I'm SO kicking her ass,_ Roxas growled.

"Oh yeah, speaking of this welcoming committee," Riku said suddenly, glancing out at the assembled monsters. "Would you mind telling us how exactly you got the Heartless and Nobodies to work together? I was under the impression they despised each other. The Heartless only did what the Organization wanted because the Nobodies there were so strong…and even then the Heartless treated the lesser Nobodies as fair game. How've you managed to convince them NOT to kill each other?"

Maleficent smiled cruelly. "It wasn't so hard, really…when the Organization collapsed and this world crumbled into ruin thanks to you 'heroes', the denizens of this city were thrown into complete and utter chaos. With no superior beings to take orders from remaining, the Nobodies were disorganized and confused, helpless against the much greater hordes of Heartless drawn here by the shattering of Xemnas' Kingdom Hearts, giving them a feast unlike any they had ever had before and multiplying their numbers exponentially. The Nobodies were outnumbered, and it seemed as if every last one of them was doomed.

"It was then that I intervened. I had, of course, survived the Heartless assault I stayed behind to fend off so you fools could eliminate Xemnas for me, and with him gone I became the most powerful dark creature in this world. This made the Heartless more willing to obey me, especially since I could be considered one of their own…since my heart was consumed by darkness when I was stabbed by the dark keyblade, but still managed to come back from the Realm of Darkness in my original form with the help of my dearest Diablo." She tickled the chin of the raven on her shoulder, and he cawed menacingly. "I considered letting the Nobodies die and fade back into nonexistence, but realized that they had potential. They had, after all, constructed this marvelous city, the perfect castle I had always dreamed of, all by themselves, showing their skill and aptitude for higher thought processes, even if the plans for the city and castle had been written by the higher-ranking Nobodies in the Organization. The Heartless have no such inclination towards building things or deep thought, which is not to say they can't do either, but it's something that makes little sense to them as creatures of destruction. But the Nobodies also possess a certain kind of…flexibility, a strange power of their own which attracted me to them. And it was because I realized they could be of use to me that I spared them.

"I convinced them, through methods I shall not go into, that it was in their benefit to work together, for after all, did they not share a common goal? Heartless sought hearts to devour and reproduce amongst themselves, while Nobodies craved hearts so that they might become whole once more. But there were no more hearts for them to take on this dark world, and on their own either species would probably fall apart without proper guidance against the champions of the Realm of Light. I made them see the truth, that they both wanted the same thing, what all living creatures secretly crave…Kingdom Hearts, from which all hearts spring forth and to which they return. And so, by working together, we can make that heart of all hearts ours…and make all our darkest dreams come true." She smiled most sinisterly at this.

"And just how were you able to convince them of this?" Riku asked skeptically. "To work together and rebuild this entire city, this castle, and the giant fleet you have in the skies and orbiting our world?"

Maleficent scowled. "I said I wouldn't go into the methods, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you did," Pete agreed.

"That's right, weren't you listening?" Kairi asked Riku, who flushed.

"Oh, right."

"But since you asked…I did have a little…_help_…" She grinned sinisterly again. "Allow me to introduce you, you may know each other." She tapped the butt of her staff on her floating platform.

A couple of her bodyguards shifted over to make room for a dark portal that formed out of the air, swirling and rippling as a new figure stepped out of it and onto the platform, the rift closing behind it. The trio (or sextet) gasped, for the figure was clad in a very familiar black cloak with hood, gloves, and boots, and silver tassels. "No…" Sora whispered. "It can't be!"

_All of them are dead! _Roxas cried. _I'm the last!_

"No…not another one…don't tell me one survived!" Kairi gasped.

_It's…HIM…_ Namine gasped. _I don't understand…I thought he was dead too…I HOPED he was!_

Riku's nostrils flared at the figure's scent. "You…it can't be…I finished you! Didn't I?"

Xehanort stopped his weeping and took interest in the newcomer. _Hmm…could it be…?_

The figure reached up with his gloved hands and pulled back his hood, revealing a glowering face and a messy head of blueish-silvery hair only a little bit darker than Riku's, most of which was falling over and covering up the right side of his face. "Zexion," he intoned in a voice without any trace of emotion. "The Cloaked Schemer, former Number VI of the Organization, reporting for duty."

"Uh, who?" Sora said in confusion, for the name did not ring any bells, even though he was clearly a member of the Organization.

_Zexion. The sixth member of the Organization. You didn't kill him?_ Roxas asked.

"Uh, I don't think so," Sora said, frowning and scratching his head. "Then again, I still don't really remember much about Castle Oblivion, so I might have…"

"YOU didn't kill him…" Riku growled, pointing his Keyblade at the humanoid Nobody. "But I'm pretty damn sure I did."

"No you didn't," Zexion corrected.

"I didn't?"

"No, I escaped before you could kill me, remember?"

Riku blinked. "Oh yeah…sorry, must have been thinking of that other guy."

"Ah, you mean Lexaeus, whom you so cowardly slew?" Zexion didn't quite accuse, just stated.

"Hey, he was trying to kill me too!" Riku snapped.

Zexion shook his head. "No, he was just testing you. You know, sparring? But you went and murdered him anyway because you were so scared of the dark. Hmmph, and we Nobodies are supposed to be the ones without hearts…"

"Shut up!" Riku snapped, though he made no motion to attack, since it wouldn't have worked anyway thanks to Maleficent's Truce.

"What's going on?" asked a very, very confused Sora.

"I have no idea," said the equally confused Kairi.

_That's Zexion, the sixth member of the Organization,_ Roxas repeated. _He was one of the group who went to Castle Oblivion with Namine. You never ran into him?_

_No, he didn't,_ Namine replied. _I think Zexion was in the basement when Sora was running around the castle...playing mind games with Riku._ She shuddered. _He did that a lot. Mind games, I mean._

_We thought Zexion died along with everyone else at Castle Oblivion, except for Axel,_ Roxas continued. _He somehow made it back and reported to the Superior that Marluxia, Larxene, and Vexen had been plotting against him and had been either executed personally or were destroyed by you, Sora. He also reported that Riku had somehow made it to the castle and killed Zexion and Lexaeus, Numbers Five and Six, and escaped with Namine, a talking mouse, a weird guy in red, and some big machine with you in it. I didn't know you were there at the time, since they were still keeping me in the dark about my origins and my other half, but looking back that must have been what Axel meant when he told me about it himself._

"But Riku didn't kill Zexion," Kairi pointed out. "Zexion himself just said so. So…if he didn't die, why didn't he ever come back to the Organization?"

"Because I was severely wounded by Riku's Replica," Zexion explained.

"Riku's who?" Sora and Kairi asked in confusion.

"Oh yeah, my clone," Riku recalled. "Now that I think about it, he _did_ mention borrowing somebody's power or something like that."

"Wait, you had a clone?!" Sora asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I never mentioned that?" said the surprised Riku.

"No!" said Kairi.

Riku scratched his head, embarrassed. "Oh. Well, yeah, I had a clone. Vexen made one of me."

"Who?" said the confused Sora.

Roxas sighed in exasperation. _Number Four of the Organization!_

"Oh, right. Uh…sorry, still don't really remember much of Castle Oblivion."

_I've really got to get around to fixing up that part of his memory one of these days…_ Namine murmured.

"So, my clone injured you? Why did he do that?" Riku asked.

"He wanted to take my strength in order to become his own person," Zexion explained. "Unfortunately, it didn't work, especially since I didn't really have any strength he was interested in. I don't actually have a weapon like the rest of Organization XIII, just my wits, semi-psychic abilities, and power of illusion. Take that away and I'm just some regular nerd, the kind who always got picked on by the jocks in school back in Radiant Garden."

"Where did he get the idea that he could become a real person by taking your strength, which you didn't have to begin with?" asked a confused Kairi.

"Axel suggested it to him," Zexion explained.

_What?!_ Roxas cried in disbelief. _No way! Axel would never do that!_ Somewhat puzzled as well, Sora voiced Roxas's concerns.

Pete yawned, belched, and scratched himself. "All this dramatic and revealing exposition is boring. I'm gonna go get something to eat." Ignoring Maleficent's glares, he hopped off the floating platform, landing with a grunt on his belly, pulled himself off, and walked down the platform towards the castle, the Heartless or Nobodies obligingly moving out of the way to let him through.

Zexion continued, as if Pete had never spoken up. "He was drunk."

_Oh, okay then,_ said Roxas, calming down. _That explains everything._

"It does?" asked a confused Sora.

_Yeah, Axel always tried to kill other members of the Organization when he was drunk,_ Roxas explained. _He even tried to kill me a few times. Didn't hold it against him. He was sorry every time he got sober, though…well, as sorry as a person who's not really capable of feeling guilt can be, anyway._

_He tried to kill me a few times, too,_ Namine complained unhappily. _He always burned my pictures when he did._

"Did this happen often?" asked a disturbed Riku.

_Every now and then,_ Roxas explained. _Most of us were able to keep from getting killed because when Axel's drunk, his aim sucks, but…well, some of us weren't so lucky. Let's just say I wasn't the first Number XIII._

Zexion nodded. "Just like Luxord wasn't the first Number X, and Larxene wasn't the first XII, and Saix wasn't the first-"

"Wait, you heard that?!" said a startled Sora.

_He heard me?!_ Cried a disbelieving Roxas.

"Sure. Psychic, remember?" Zexion tapped his forehead.

"Wow…finally, someone who doesn't think we're schizophrenic!" said an amazed Kairi.

_Zexion's always been good at getting into people's heads…_ Namine said coolly.

Maleficent was confused. "Zexion, what are they—and you—talking about? Who do you hear?"

"The voices in their heads," Zexion said honestly. "The real ones."

Maleficent blinked. "Real ones?"

"Yes, the essences of Roxas, Namine, and Xehanort's Heartless," Zexion explained.

"Really?" the witch asked, surprised. "All of them? They really fit in those three's heads? Well, I suppose there's more than enough empty space…"

"HEY!" the adolescents snapped.

The floating platform hovered closer, and Maleficent bent over to take a good look at Riku, who snarled and recoiled. "Xehanort? Are you really in there?"

_I am indeed, my love!_ The evil spirit cried. _And now that you are aware of me, I can finally warn you NOT to marry Pete! He is an incompetent oaf not worthy of your heart! Who better to understand it than I, who have also given my heart to darkness? He is nothing more than a bumbling fool hanging on the end of your cloak and slowing you down. I can give you so much more than him!_

"Is he saying anything?" Maleficent asked Zexion.

"Nothing of interest," the Nobody lied.

_Nooooooo!_ Xehanort howled in rage and sorrow. _Curse you, Ienzo!_

"Think of this as payback for causing all of us apprentices to lose our hearts," Zexion murmured under his breath.

"What was that?" asked Maleficent.

"Nothing, ma'am."

"Uh, anyway…why didn't you come back from Castle Oblivion if you were just injured instead of dead?" Kairi asked to get the story back on track.

"Hmm? Oh, well, I guess I could have…" Zexion said slowly. "If I had had the strength left to portal away. Which I didn't, thanks to Riku's Replica attacking me, realizing I wasn't worth his time, and leaving me for dead. Which meant I was left in that castle, all alone, for almost a year, slowly dying from my wounds since nobody bothered to check on me and just assumed that Axel had told the truth, which he hadn't…but hey, he was drunk, so he probably honestly did think I was dead. So I guess I don't blame him, really. It could just as easily have been anyone else, but unfortunately for me it was me."

Roxas sighed. _Oh, Axel…_

"Okay…um…so, how'd you get out?" Sora asked awkwardly.

"Hmm? Oh, well, I finally managed to recover enough strength to summon a Dusk, which I consumed, and used that energy boost to portal back to the World that Never Was, where I hoped to get healed. Unfortunately, by that point Sora and Riku had pretty much destroyed it and Maleficent was looking to take over for herself. I allied myself with her in return for my full recovery and to spare the nonlives of the remaining Nobodies, and helped her convince both Heartless and Nobodies to ally with her for their mutual benefit," Zexion explained. "I now help Maleficent run this city by controlling the Nobodies to an extent. As a former member of Organization XIII, this is well within my power. I also handle a number of other duties that our minions (and Pete) lack the mental faculties to perform. So I'm also a sort of handyman, among other things, around here."

_Well, uh…glad to see you've found your niche…I suppose…_ Namine said uncertainly.

"Yes," he said blandly. "It is."

"Well," Maleficent said pleasantly, rather bored with all this. "Now that all that is over with, let's move on, shall we? Zexion, escort our guests to their rooms, would you?"

"It would be a pleasure," he said in a flat voice which implied it was anything but. He hopped off the floating platform and landed on the body of the Gummi ship, just before the cockpit. "If you'll follow me, please." He gestured, and a dark portal appeared.

"Uh, isn't there a slightly…safer way?" an uneasy Kairi asked.

"Sure, we could walk," Zexion said with a shrug. "Your rooms are only…let's see…" He pulled a map out of one of the long sleeves of his cloak and unfolded it, and unfolded it again, and again, and again, until he was holding a large and incredibly detailed plan that completely blocked his upper body (and a bit of the lower, too) from the view of the sextet and filled them with a vague sense of dread. "Okay…we'd have to travel through the fifth and twenty-seventh arcades, wind our way up the third tower, climb one hundred and fifty one floors up the central keep, cross the Central Hall several times, walk through the forty-seventh level of colonnades, climb two hundred more floors of the central keep, wind our way through the fifty-fifth to the two-hundred and seventeenth galleries, and we should be…halfway there." He folded his map back up and stuffed it back in his sleeves. "All in all, on foot it should take us roughly six hours to get there, five if we move at a brisk pace. It's quite a walk, but I suppose I could use the exercise."

"You don't have elevators in this place?!" an alarmed Sora asked.

"Or at least moving walkways?" asked Riku, who had seen some at some point somewhere he couldn't quite remember.

"That's five or six hours _including_ the elevators and moving walkways," Zexion informed them calmly.

"Why would you make something so big and complicated to go through?!" Kairi asked the evil witch in disbelief.

Maleficent shrugged. "What can I say? I just love grand, elaborate castles. And it helps that I can portal from place to place so I don't have to bother walking around if I don't want to. Be thankful there are even hallways and stairs and regular routes from place to place at all rather than just unconnected rooms that can only be accessed through a dark corridor, or else you'd be completely lost." She smiled sinisterly. "We even have a few of that kind, as well…would you like to see them?"

"Uh, no thanks," they said quickly.

"You know, maybe using a dark corridor wouldn't be such a bad idea after all," Riku said hurriedly.

"Yeah, yeah, in fact, let's do that now," Sora agreed, nodding rapidly. "Much better than walking."

"Or going to one of those rooms without exits," Kairi added. Without another word, the trio quickly ran into Zexion's portal and vanished.

The Nobody raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Kids."

"Indeed," Maleficent drawled. "Report back to me once you settle them in, we still have a lot of work to do before the other guests arrive…which won't be long from now."

"Yes, ma'am." He walked into his own portal, which vanished behind him.

Pete walked back over, his arms stuffed with hot dogs, donuts, bags of potato chips, several beverages, pretzels, and nachos, all of which he stuffed in his mouth in no particular order, splattering cheese, sugar, soda, mustard, and crumbs all over his face and front. "Did I miss anything?" he belched, spraying a delightful mixture of bad breath combined with all the other food he was consuming into Maleficent's face, causing her to flinch back in disgust. She quickly gestured for a Defender to block Pete's breath from her using a shield, which the armored Heartless did, though the dog face on the front of the shield whimpered and moaned, looking as if it were going to vomit.

"No," the darkest fairy said with a grimace at Pete's lack of manners or décor. "Nothing at all."

"Oh good," he said, getting a confused Neoshadow to scratch his buttocks because his arms were laden with junk food. "I wouldn't have wanted to miss anything important." He belched again, and the dog face on the Defender's shield gagged, stuck its tongue out, and seemingly died, yellow eyes rolling back in its sockets. The bodyguard shook its shield in something almost like concern.

Maleficent rolled her eyes and for half a second wondered why she was marrying Pete again. "Peter, our guests should be arriving shortly…including your family. You don't want to look like a slob in front of your ex-wife and children, would you?" _Not that he didn't look like a slob anyway, when he lived with them,_ she thought to herself.

"Oh yeah, good point," Pete realized. "Wouldn't want Peg to nag…and I gotta show a good example for my boy PJ, right?" He dumped all of his beverages and other food items into the tub holding his nachos, dropped the pretzels and chips on top, and shoved the whole thing in his mouth somehow. He belched again, and this time the Behemoths pulling the chariots collapsed, all the assembled troops moved back as far as they could without falling off the edge of the dock (many did anyway, but were able to escape to safety through the dark corridor), and Maleficent's floating platform dropped out of the air abruptly, causing Maleficent and the bodyguards to almost fall over and for Diablo to shriek and flap cawing his head off, narrowly avoiding getting plastered across the front of one of the ships zooming about the castle's airspace. "Hmm, I should put my nice suit on…and hey, the boat-boy king's coming, right?"

Maleficent tried to regain her poise before answering. "I extended an invitation to his Majesty, yes…one that suggested, quite truthfully, that if he did not attend he might never see his precious Keybearers again." She smiled maliciously. The Truce spell might keep her from harming those brats, but that didn't mean she couldn't keep them here for as long as she wished…not that she really wanted to, since there wouldn't be much fun in detainment without torture, but she knew it was a threat King Mickey couldn't possibly ignore.

Pete cackled and rubbed his greasy hands together gleefully. "Hoo-boy, I can't wait to see the look on his face when I show him how my castle's much bigger and better than his!"

"You mean _my_ castle…" Maleficent growled.

"Uh, shouldn't that actually be _our_ castle, honey-" Pete started, but yelped when a bolt of green fire almost scorched his toes. "Eh heh, right, _your_ castle. Yes."

Maleficent sighed and rubbed her temples, certain that this was going to be a very long couple of days and that she would have an enormous migraine before it was all over.

…

The portal exited on a circular gallery somewhere high up in the castle's keep, looking over a tremendous central shaft that ran all the way from the castle's highest to lowest points. Numerous bridges and walkways spanned across the great shaft on higher or lower levels, patrolled by Heartless or Nobodies going about their business. Various elevators rose and fell up and down the shaft, circular platforms with cylindrical shimmering force fields maintained by floating black jewels to keep the occupants from falling out as they traveled to whichever level they were heading for. Giant stained glass windows were placed at certain points along the shaft walls in long stretches where there were no galleries or passages surrounding it, depicting roses, castles wrapped in thorns, images of Maleficent, and of course the Heartless and Nobody insignias. Said insignias were also marked at several key points along the walls and columns where they made the most aesthetic sense, some even carved flat into the ceiling and glowing to serve as lights, and others marked on the floor, as if anyone should happen to forget whose castle they were in.

The walls and floor of the gallery the sextet and Zexion had entered were made of stone mixed with metal conduits, pipes, thorny roots, and power relays snaking along the sides of the walls and ceiling, while the walls of the shaft itself were sleek grayish-white steel, making the dark forms of the Heartless traversing and flying about the shaft and the enormous thorny vines crawling up the sides that much more distinct. Gargoyles, both the Heartless and statue variety, occupied this place, the living ones flying here and there with their Wyvern cousins while the stone kind jutted out into the shaft from the sides of the galleries and bridges which opened onto it, their hideous faces grimacing with evil joy. Each of their heads was stamped with a Heartless or Nobody emblem, alternating to be fair to both species. (Sure, they were evil, but not discriminatory.)

"Whoa…" Sora said, running over to the open side of the gallery and staring out into the shaft. "This place is _huge…_"

"Much bigger than Hollow Bastion," Kairi agreed as she stared out into it as well, remembering her flight from that place after Sora had sacrificed his heart to revive her.

_We never had a shaft like this in the Castle that Never Was…never needed one, really,_ Roxas stated. _Still, it's very impressive and intimidating…which I think is its point._

_Typical evil architecture,_ Namine said idly, wishing she could swap with Kairi to draw some of this. _Make trespassers and guests alike feel small and powerless._

"Definitely," Riku agreed, glancing up and down the shaft. "I can't even see the top…or the bottom…"

_What else could you expect from a mind as devious as my beloved?_ Xehanort asked, which only started him off again. _Oh, Maleficent…_ He began crying once more.

"The highest point of the castle is the chapel where the wedding will be held tomorrow," Zexion explained, coming up behind them.

"Not the throne room?" Riku asked. "Or Maleficent's private chambers? Or magical laboratory? Or even the castle's control center?"

Zexion smirked. "Of course not, it's too obvious a target. Those are all located in different, much lower and easily defensible areas of the castle. And while there is a central control center, and a battle bridge, there are also numerous backup control areas just in case the main one is damaged, captured, or just unavailable. The same is true of the engines keeping this castle aloft…rather than put all the generators in one place, we don't have one central power core but many hidden all over the castle, with dozens of backups. Even if you had a trained assault team and a complete map of this castle that showed every secret passage and hidden area in it, you'd never be able to shut this thing down from inside. So don't get any ideas."

"Would the Truce spell allow us to do that?" Kairi asked.

_I mean, since we're not technically attacking Maleficent, but an inanimate machine...but, said machine also belongs to her. Does that mean anything?_ Namine asked, somewhat thrilled that there was someone new for her to speak to, even if it was Zexion, who she did not like at all.

Zexion shrugged. "Good question. But as I've already pointed out, it won't make a difference. We have too many backups, not to mention highly efficient repair crews. This castle was rebuilt practically from the ground up with meddling heroes in mind, and in theory there's no way you can destroy this thing or make it fall…in theory, anyway. It'll take field tests to make sure, just as always."

"I take it you have external defenses too?" Riku asked.

"Well, that goes without saying," the Nobody sniffed. "Cannons, lasers, missile launchers, a variety of magical-based weaponry and enchantments, a small fleet of warships maintained in our hangars, an on-board Heartless and Nobody army, and virtually indestructible shields. Not to mention that the big thorny roots growing all over the place can come to life and lash out at attacking vessels or intruders. Also, we've recently installed a new engine which allows the castle to travel through dark corridors…which means it doesn't have to remain in the skies of Dark City all the time, but can actually travel to other worlds, though it's too big to pass through world barriers and reach the surface...for now, anyway. That doesn't mean it can't send down shock troops or lead an invasion force, though."

_Incredible…Riku, we must join them at once!_ Xehanort whispered.

"No way!"

_But they're going to win! I don't want to miss out on all the destruction!_

"Screw you."

"Geez…it sounds like you guys are gearing up for…for war or something…" a horrified Sora said.

"Of course we are," Zexion said, as if it should have been obvious. "The Realm of Darkness is always at war with the Realm of Light. But we're stepping up our offensive now, as you can see so far. We're building armadas and filling them with great armies to conquer or destroy worlds. We're making alliances with other villains to increase our power base and get more resources and launching points for our fleets. You heroes thought you had it hard before? Wait until we start pressing you in full-waged war. It'll be like nothing you've ever experienced before. And who knows?" He smiled. "Maybe your world will even be the first to go."

"Not while we're there to protect it," Sora said firmly.

"Our world was already destroyed once. We're not going to let it happen again," Kairi agreed.

"And especially not by Maleficent," Riku growled.

Zexion shrugged. "If you say so."

Xehanort cackled. _You cannot win, Riku…darkness conquers all worlds!_

"Shut it!"

_How'd you guys build all this so quickly, anyway?!_ An incredulous Roxas asked. _I mean, the city was all but leveled just a couple of months ago!_

"Well, in _your_ time, yeah, it wasn't that long," Zexion agreed.

They looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean by _our_ time?" asked a puzzled Kairi.

Zexion raised his eyebrows. They assumed he raised both of them, but they could only see one eye, so… "You don't know? I would have thought Namine and Roxas would have told you."

"Told us what?" asked Sora.

_Told them what?_ Asked Roxas.

"Time flows differently in this world than it does in the Realm of Light. Faster, to be more specific," Zexion explained. "Though it fluctuates."

"Time flows…differently?" Kairi asked, not quite getting it.

"You know, one of those, 'an hour here, a day there', kinds of things?" Zexion elaborated. "Like in fairy tales where a character goes to some other world and finds that even though he was only there for a little while, years and years passed back where he came from? Only in reverse, since time is faster here."

"Ohhh," the trio said.

_I didn't know that,_ said a surprised Roxas.

_Neither did I, though I suppose it explains several things,_ Namine agreed.

"How could you not know that? Didn't you live here?" Riku asked them.

"Yes, and it was only brought up at every meeting," Zexion pointed out.

_Oh, that explains it then_, said Roxas. _I never paid attention to those things anyway._

_And I was never allowed to go to any, so I didn't know either,_ Namine added.

"Ohhh, so _that's_ why scouting missions I took over here when I was working for DiZ felt like they took so long, but so little time seemed to pass when I got back," Riku realized. "I think he explained it to me once, but he said stuff about science and quantum physics and chrono-something or other that I didn't understand so just smiled and nodded and waited for him to finish so he'd buy some sea-salt ice cream to celebrate my safe return."

"Yeah, I did that too sometimes, when he was teaching us apprentices," Zexion reminisced.

_Ah, those were the days, weren't they Ienzo?_ Xehanort said wistfully. _What do you say you help me get out of Riku or take over him so that I can persuade Maleficent of the error in her choice for a husband before it's too late? For old time's sake?_

"No, I don't really think so," Zexion said flatly.

_Oh come on, have a heart for an old friend!_ Xehanort said desperately.

"I don't _have_ a heart because said old friend sacrificed it to the Heartless, laughing insanely as I recall and screaming about supreme darkness and absolute power," Zexion said, crossing his arms. "So no."

_You will regret this…_ Xehanort growled.

"No I won't," Zexion pointed out. "Nobodies don't regret anything."

_It's true,_ Roxas agreed. _Well, mostly. I didn't really regret any of the horrible things I did as Number XIII. Actually…well, I don't really regret them now that much either…but I do a little…_

…_Dammit!_ Xehanort said vehemently.

"Wait," said a confused Sora. "What horrible things?" This was the first time he had heard any mention of them.

_Uh…_

"You can hear all about them later, I'm sure," Zexion said, turning away. "But we've bantered long enough, and I'm needed elsewhere. I'll show you to your rooms."

And that's just what he did. He led them down long, twisting hallways, through a labyrinthine network of passages and corridors, up great staircases, past large portraits of horrific evil things, and around and around and around until they finally reached a nondescript door in a nondescript, darkly lit hallway with metal and stone statues that seemed to whisper as Shadow Heartless peered out from the dim corners, congregating in the dark. "Here we are."

"Finally…" said Riku, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Did we…have to walk…so far?" Kairi panted, exhausted.

"Yeah, couldn't we have just…portalled again?" Sora gasped, trying to catch his breath.

"Well, sure," Zexion said mildly. "But I told you I needed the exercise. And you probably did, too." All six of the group moaned.

"What a jerk…" Sora grumbled.

_That's Zexion for you,_ Roxas agreed. _They don't call him the 'Cloaked Schemer' for nothing._

_I remember one time he tricked me into drawing a very unflattering picture of Number Eleven which 'somehow' found its way to Marluxia…_ Namine shuddered. _It was horrible._ Kairi glared at the Nobody, angry at his devious and cruel ways.

"You're lucky this Truce thing is on," Riku growled threateningly, having attempted to stab the Nobody through the back with his Keyblade during the walk only to find it didn't work, erasing any lingering doubts they had to the spell's existence.

"Yes," Zexion agreed. "I suppose I am. Now I must be going. If you need anything, just call room service."

"How do we do that?" Sora asked.

"It's simple," Zexion said as he vanished into a portal, not bothering to elaborate or provide any descriptive details on just how to perform this simple task.

"He's a REAL jerk," Sora said in frustration.

"I think he's getting back at us for dismantling the Organization…" Riku said with a frown.

_No, he's just being himself,_ Roxas said. _He did stuff like this all the time. I think sometimes he forgets the rest of us aren't as good at reading his mind as he is at ours._

After recovering a bit from the long walk, they entered the door. Inside was a suite, much nicer than they had expected…if a little low-class. Clearly, while they were important guests, Maleficent wasn't fond enough of them to give them one of the fancier rooms she no doubt reserved for foreign dignitaries or close allies. The walls were bare, made of dark metal or stone like the rest of the castle and rather stark of anything bright or lively. Light sconces in the form of glowing yellow-eyed monster heads were mounted here and there, and a small chandelier-like fixture hung down from the bare ceiling overhead to illuminate the room. There were a few small paintings or photographs of extremely bleak vistas on the walls, and one rather nice one which Sora, Riku, and Roxas recognized as a certain beach somewhere deep in the Realm of Darkness, lit by the luminescence of a great blue moon shining oddly brightly in the eternal night. The floor was carpeted to make up for the bare walls, although it looked oddly spongy and seemed to suck on their feet as they walked on it. There were a couple of bookshelves standing along the walls with volumes in strange colors written in languages none of them understood and growled and rattled slightly whenever they were removed from the shelves. There were a couple of chairs, a small end table, and a couch facing a cylindrical platform engraved with runes which, when Riku prodded it, startled him by lighting up and projecting a hologram into the air. He quickly figured out it was some kind of magical television set, and set about surfing the channels, curious to see what kind of programs Heartless or Nobodies watched in this city. He hadn't thought they required any kind of entertainment.

There was a small door next to one of the bookshelves leading to a rather austere white bathroom with a shower but no bathtub or towels…and the toilet smelled strange…after lifting the cover warily and seeing yellow eyes blinking at him from inside, Sora quickly closed the lid and sealed it with his Keyblade, deciding that they'd just have to find another bathroom. Surely there were more in this place…right? "Were the toilets like this in the Castle that Never Was, too?" he asked his Other.

_No…well, except for the one in the Bathroom that Unfortunately Exists even though All of us Really, Really Wish it Never Was._

Sora raised an eyebrow. "Did you guys give everything weird names?"

_Sure. We called the library the Hall of Empty Knowledge, the dining room Hunger for Completion, Axel's room the Fires of Creation and Destruction, Lexaeus's gym Life's Futile Struggle, Demyx's room Sea of Broken Dreams…_

"Okay, I get it," Sora stopped him. "Sheesh, you Nobodies were a bunch of morbid guys, weren't you?"

_Yep, pretty much._

Kairi went through another small door and found the bedroom. It featured a rather large, canopied bed with a night table and a second bathroom, as well as a wrought-iron and glass door leading out onto a balcony which overlooked the rest of the castle and the city far below. It was very dizzying to stare out at the jagged spires and moving spotlights and airships zipping here and there from such a high place, so she quickly went back in and closed the door after a moment outside. The air inside smelled better in the room, anyway. "There's only one bed," Sora observed as he exited the second bathroom, having checked to see if it was safe, which it was.

"Yeah, so?" Kairi asked.

"Well…" Sora fidgeted. "There's three of us. I mean, six actually, but three bodies. So…"

Kairi blinked, then flushed, realizing where Sora was going with this. "Oh."

_Riku can sleep on the couch,_ Roxas said quickly. _And we're fine sleeping on the floor. Right Sora?_

"Uh, right, sure," said Sora, who had actually hoped that _he_ could take the couch for once.

Kairi frowned. "And leave that big bed over there all to myself? How'm I supposed to keep warm when night falls? It's a bit cooler than I'm used to already, what'll it be like when the lights go out?"

"Well, technically it's always night here…" Sora pointed out. "And there are plenty of blankets and stuff, more than enough for all of us to keep warm…"

Kairi pouted, not liking the idea. "Why don't we just share the bed?"

"Wh-what?!" the startled boy replied. "Y-you mean you and me?"

Kairi rolled her eyes. "All of us, silly. Then we can all keep ourselves warm. It's not like we've never done it before, we've shared warmth at plenty of sleepovers and campouts."

"Well, yeah, but…those were all outdoors or at the playground island. It feels a little…I dunno, weird…to do it in a place like this, some big dark castle in the evil capital of the universe," Sora said uneasily.

"On the contrary," Kairi said with a smirk. "Here is where it would make the _most_ sense for us to sleep in the same bed, for safety's sake. That way we'll all be together and can't get picked off one by one like in horror movies. Also, by staying together we'll stay much warmer than we each would individually with our own blankets."

"But that Treaty spell should keep us safe," Sora pointed out. "And means nobody can hurt us here."

Kairi raised an eyebrow. "And that means you're not going to sleep with a Keyblade in hand, so you don't have to waste a few precious seconds summoning it if something should happen anyway?" Sora's grimace gave her the answer she already knew. "Just because they can't _hurt _us doesn't mean they can't do other things."

"Yeah…that's true," Sora admitted reluctantly. "This is their home turf…it probably would be better to stay as close together as possible."

_And besides,_ Roxas pointed out. _That means you get to sleep with Kaiiiriii_…

"Shut up!" an embarrassed Sora snapped. "I'll be sleeping with Riku too!"

_So? You can't tell me you don't want _that_, too…heheheheh!_

"So…uh…argh!" Kairi and Namine giggled as a flushed Sora quickly stomped out of the room and went to see if there was anything interesting on the magic pedestal, not wanting to continue this line of conversation with Roxas any further. _Stupid boys._

…

After trying for several minutes to figure out what was happening on the shows projected by the magic pedestal, many of which looked like bizarre soap operas or sitcoms, featuring only Heartless or Nobody actors, Riku gave up on understanding the programming. (He hadn't even known Heartless could act. Nobodies were naturally good at it; they had to be to feign emotion after all.) One especially bizarre show featured a male (he thought) Large Body Heartless and a female (he hoped) Dancer Nobody who were married (?) and somehow had children, a rather spiky-headed Dusk, a Bookmaster, and a baby (he assumed) Blue Nocturne in some sort of strange attempt at being a family in what looked like a shanty suburbs in End of the World. The Large Body had some sort of job that Riku didn't understand, and wasn't sure the Large Body did either, since it seemed to alternate between random bellowing, stamping papers, shredding papers, sitting at its desk then smashing it, beating up its secretary and rampaging through walls before chatting amiably (he thought) at the water cooler (or was that blood?) with some of his coworkers before bludgeoning them too, then inviting them over for dinner.. At least, Riku assumed they were coworkers and were being invited to dinner. The children went to school, even the baby apparently, where they sat in classrooms quietly with other students, some of whom seemed far too large for public education (really, what was that Darkside doing sitting at such a puny desk? It made Riku and Xehanort crack up), then began wreaking havoc and chaos whenever the teacher (At least, he thought it was a teacher) came in. And the Dancer mother sat at home doing absolutely nothing at all, or at least she (?) did whenever the scene switched over to her. It was all very strange. It didn't help that the Heartless or Nobodies didn't communicate in any visible form that Riku could decode, so had no idea if they were even saying stuff to each other or just pantomiming. Xehanort seemed to find the show hilarious, but the explanations he gave to Riku on what everything meant made no sense at all. Somewhat frustrated, he decided to just shut the thing off, which didn't sit well with Sora.

"Hey, I was watching that!" he protested.

"It was stupid," Riku grunted.

_But funny_, Roxas complained.

"Yeah, you _would_ find it funny wouldn't you?" Riku mocked.

Sora frowned and balled his fists. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

Riku smirked. "What do you think it means?" Sora growled and started to stand up.

"Boys, boys, cut it out," Kairi said, plopping down on the couch between them. "You can beat each other up later when we get home. This really isn't the time or place."

"…Yeah, you're right," Sora said, sitting back down.

"Sorry, Kairi," Riku said, feeling oddly ashamed.

_Hmmph, she's got you twisted around her little finger,_ Xehanort growled.

"Oh, and you're not around Maleficent's?"

_Maleficent!_ Xehanort wailed, going off again.

_You're lucky Kairi stopped us,_ Roxas warned Riku. _Otherwise I would have whupped you. I never did pay you back for beating me in Dark City._

"Hey, I beat you once, I can do it again easy," Riku sneered. "I don't even need the power of darkness to do it."

_Yes you do,_ said Xehanort between sobs.

"Shut it!"

Kairi and Namine rolled their shared eyes and sighed again at male stupidity and ego-boosting competitions. Then she smacked both of them on the back of their heads, hard. "OW!"

"That's enough of that," Kairi said sternly. "Now, what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?" Sora asked, rubbing where Kairi had hit him.

"I mean, we've been blackmailed into attending the wedding of our worst enemy—"

_AHEM!_ Xehanort coughed.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Second worst enemy, who has tried to kill us or use us for her evil plots more than once but is now being civil towards us thanks to some ancient spell instead of taking the opportunity to kill us that she had earlier."

_Well, it's typical villain's fare_, said Roxas, who would know, having been sort of a villain before as Number XIII of the Organization. _It would probably be more advantageous to kill us here and now, but if she thinks we can be of use to her in the future…or maybe because she is, for some perverse reason, attached to us…she'll let us live to fight her again. Doesn't make much sense to me, but that's how it is._

_She said she's invited a number of other villains and world leaders to her wedding…_ Namine mused. _Almost like in the summit mentioned in the fake letter from King Mickey…maybe that part wasn't exactly a lie, though. Maybe she wants us here as a sort of political statement against rival evil forces out in the universe._

"How do you mean?" asked Sora.

_Well, she was able to easily trick us into coming to her new world, which is completely under her control and peopled by millions if not billions of obedient dark creatures under her control, with a tremendous fleet of battleships and a castle that could probably devastate entire nations by itself, and manage to put us in a position where we're completely at her mercy. Not only could she have easily killed us with that welcoming committee out at that docking platform if it weren't for the Truce, but she's also forced us to bend to her will by threatening our home, which she masterfully deceived us into leaving defenseless. And she was able to do it so easily, too…_

"I think I see what you're saying," Riku said with a nod. "As Keybearers, we're a potentially large threat to any evil in the universe. By showing that we were lured here and kept at bay so easily, Maleficent's basically telling all the other villains out there that she's _really_ bad stuff, since none of them were able to do it before she could. In fact, they might not have even been able to. In this manner, she's showing off her power and establishing herself as superior to all of them."

"You really _have _been listening to Xehanort too much," said Sora with a frown.

Riku tapped his head. "Hey, having a supervillain stuck in your head has some advantages. It helps me understand how they think."

_Just as being inside your head helps me better understand how you heroes think…_ Xehanort whispered maliciously. _That information will come in handy when the time comes for me to destroy you all._

"That's not gonna happen," Riku said flatly. "So, anyway, there's not really a lot we can do about our current situation. That Truce thing keeps both us and them from hurting each other. And Maleficent is holding our world hostage, so if we do something like escape or try to sabotage her wedding plans, Destiny Islands will be destroyed. And I can't let that happen again, not because of me."

_You know…_ Roxas said slowly. _This might actually be to our advantage._

"How so?" Kairi asked the blonde.

_Well, Maleficent's ego and desire to show off has gotten her to invite not only the biggest villains but the biggest world leaders and the like around. That means King Mickey's probably going to be here, too. With all the leaders together, he might be able to forge something like that World Alliance alluded to in the fake lette., I don't know King Mickey very well personally like you guys but I'm pretty sure that's something he'd be likely to do for real. And having those leaders see firsthand what they're up against might make them more willing to join forces with the King._

_In addition,_ Namine added._ Maleficent's let us into her stronghold. And her minions CAN'T hurt us. That means we can probably poke around all we want and not get in trouble._

"Well, we probably _could_ get reprimanded," Kairi pointed out. "Or locked in our room…except…" A smile grew on her face.

"We've got Keyblades," Riku said with a grin, summoning his own. "There's no lock that can stop us."

_And if there is one, we can swap places and Namine or I'll open a portal to get us out,_ Roxas said.

"This is perfect," Riku said, still grinning. "We can find out whatever Maleficent's planning…what worlds she's got her sights set on, what new villains she's going to ally with, how this castle or city work…we can find out all her secrets!"

"Or we could, if we knew where to look," Sora pointed out. "I mean, you heard Zexion. This place is _huge._ Just think how long it took us to walk here! We could probably wander around this place for weeks and still not find anything important."

"Then we'll just get a map," Kairi suggested. "Zexion had one, there must be others somewhere."

"But where?" Riku asked, shoulders slumping. "We can't just go searching for a map, we'd get just as lost as if we were searching the place for anything else."

"Maybe room service could help," Sora suggested, getting a bright idea. "I mean, that's their job, right? To help guests?"

Riku frowned. "I'm not sure it works that way…"

_It's worth a try,_ Roxas said. _Of course, we need to figure out how to call room service in the first place…_

Kairi frowned and thought a moment. "Zexion said it was simple…I wonder…" She stood up. "Um, hello? Room service? Do you think you could help us out?"

Xehanort laughed. _Ha, as if that alone could possibly summon-_ He stopped, stunned, as a pair of Dusks slid under the hallway door and into the room and wiggled up to their full height, wriggling and wobbling as Dusks usually did, the weirdoes. _I can't believe that actually worked._

"Good thinking, Kairi. Um…hey, you guys!" The Dusks turned to look at Sora, still wriggling. It was creepy…and kind of hypnotic…weird. "Uh, I don't suppose you could get us a map of the entire castle we're in now, showing all the secret areas and important places?" They stared at him blankly.

_Dusks aren't very bright,_ Roxas told his host. _Trust me, I know from experience. They probably don't even know what a map is._

_A visual cue might help, _Namine suggested.

"Visual cues. Okay…Kairi, you still have that sketchpad, right?" Riku asked the girl.

Kairi pulled it out. "Yeah, why?"

"I think I have an idea. Let me see that for a second." Riku took the sketchpad from Kairi, as well as a pencil, and quickly scribbled something on it. A moment later, he tore out the sheet and showed it to the Dusks. "Okay, can you bring us something like this?" The two Dusks bent their pliant and boneless bodies over to better look at the picture with their eyeless heads, nodded, and slithered back under the door.

"Do they have to do that? That's kind of creepy," said a disturbed Kairi.

_Dusks don't see the world the way we do,_ Namine informed her. _So to them, wiggling like that or slithering under doors is perfectly normal. In fact, to them, regularly-shaped people like us are the weird ones._

"Really?" asked a surprised Sora.

_I have no idea, actually, _Namine admitted. _But it's a kinder thought than just saying they're plain demented or something._

"What did you draw for them anyway, Riku?" Sora asked his friend.

Riku held up the piece of paper, on which he had drawn another piece of paper with many creases on it depicting what looked sort of like a rather messy attempt of a detailed plan of a castle. "I remembered how the Dusks sent after Roxas when DiZ had him kept stealing photographs because they were too dumb to distinguish images from the real thing, so I thought that if maybe _I_ showed them an image of what the castle's map might look like, _they'd_ bring back the real thing."

"That's a great idea, Riku," said an impressed Kairi.

_Even though you're drawing skills are rather lacking. That looks more like a mop than a castle,_ Namine critiqued.

"It does not!" Riku protested.

"Hey yeah, it kind of does," Sora said, squinting at it.

_And if you turn your head a little, it looks kind of like a bunny,_ Roxas agreed. _A cute and fluffy one…like that one Axel and I ate one time when we visited that disgustingly bucolic world with all the frivolous little animals. They didn't make very good Heartless, but they certainly burned well. Made Axel happy…or as happy as he could be, considering, you know._

_Hmm, rabbit…perhaps I should try that some time…_ mused Xehanort.

"H-hey, shut up!" Riku snapped. "We can't all be gifted and talented artists like Little Miss Memory Witch!"

_Is he insulting Namine?!_ Roxas roared. _Let me at him!_

_Roxas, it's fine, ignore it,_ said a somewhat annoyed Namine.

"Yeah, and what was that about the bunny, Roxas?" Kairi asked, frowning.

Before Roxas could answer, the two Dusks from before returned, each holding a rolled-up something in their limbs. They pranced about the room and offered them up to the sextet obediently. Sora took one of them, unrolled it, and found… "This is a poster for something called…'Disney World?' Is that related to King Mickey's world?" he asked, rather confused.

"And this one's a picture of a mop," said a puzzled Kairi, who had unrolled the second object.

"All right, fine, I get it, I suck at drawing," snapped an irritated Riku, crumpling up the picture he had made into a ball and hurling it at one of the Dusk's heads. It bounced off and landed on the floor. The little Nobody looked at the trash, unzipped its mouth, and ate it. Why it ate it they would never know. Perhaps it thought it was a heart. Then again, it was a Dusk, who could tell what went through their empty heads?

_Sora, let me try something,_ Roxas suggested. _As a superior Nobody like Zexion, maybe they'll respond to me better._

"Okay, give it a shot," said Sora. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his Other. There was a flash of light, and suddenly where Sora had once stood was his blond twin, wearing his usual X-shaped necklace, white jacket, and jeans. He opened his blue eyes, just like Sora's, and glared firmly at the Dusks. "Okay you two, listen up-"

He was cut off when the Dusks began undulating more than ever. _My liege! My liege! My liege!_

_My liege?_ _My liege? _About a dozen other Dusks suddenly materialized into the room and began undulating joyously when they saw Roxas as well. _My liege! My liege!_

Roxas blinked. "Uh…that's not what I had in mind…" Riku rolled his eyes and Xehanort cackled malevolently.

_My liege! My liege! My liege! My liege! My liege!_ More and more Dusks piled into the room, slithering under the door, crawling out from behind the bookshelves, beneath the couch, under the bed, inside the toilet, or randomly portalling in from elsewhere. Within moments, the suite was standing room only, as at least a hundred wiggling Dusks pressed against each other like sardines, looking from above like a rippling ocean of gray. _My liege! My liege! My liege!_

Roxas laughed nervously as he found himself surrounded by so many adoring Dusks. "Well, at least I got their attention…"

"Oh brother," groaned Kairi, putting her face in her hands. "This is the price of popularity."

"This reminds me of a story the King once told me from his days as an apprentice under Master Yen Sid," Riku joked. "He once tried enchanting a broom to carry water for him from the tower well…but it wouldn't stop, and started flooding the place. He tried chopping it to pieces, but more brooms sprung up and continued the task they had been set. If it weren't for Yen Sid showing up and fixing things, his whole tower might have become completely submerged., and Mickey would have drowned"

_A shame that didn't happen…whatever happened to those brooms?_ Xehanort wondered.

Riku chuckled. "They're still around. Even Yen Sid couldn't destroy them, so he just dumped them on Mickey. It took him a while, but he managed to train them to do stuff around the castle. Of course, this put a lot of servants and maids out of work, which made him _very_ unpopular for a while." Kairi giggled at the thought of living broomsticks doing chores throughout the immense Disney Castle.

"Uh, okay guys, we don't need all of you," said an anxious Roxas, getting very nervous from the way the Dusks were all looking at him. "Just-"

_My liege! My liege!_

_My liege!_

_My liiiiiiieeeeeeggggeee!_

_Myliegemyliegemyliege!_

_Myliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliege-_ Babbling happily to themselves, the Dusks leaped at Roxas and knocked him to the ground, the blond screaming as they dogpiled him and hid him from view in a wriggling mound of gray matter that brushed against the ceiling. _Myliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliegemyliege…_

"I don't suppose the Heartless would do the same to you if you were ever to return?" Riku wondered hopefully to Xehanort.

The evil spirit scoffed. _They wouldn't dare!_

_Shouldn't we do something?_ Asked a concerned Namine.

"Like what? We can't use spells or attacks to get those things off Roxas, the Truce would forbid it…wouldn't it?" Kairi asked uncertainly.

Riku summoned his Keyblade. "Well, only one way to find out. I think it should work as long as it's not something that could hurt them…" He grinned. "I think a little Magnet spell should work wonders, don't you?"

Fortunately for the Dusks, no experimentation was needed. Abruptly they all slid off the giant pile they had formed or wiggled through the air like balloons, looking confused, more so than usual, and revealing a somewhat annoyed Sora, who had swapped back with Roxas. _My liege? My liege?_

_My liege?_ One Dusk looked under another's foot

_My liege?_ Another Dusk poked its head under the couch.

_My liege?_ A few Dusks turned over the magical hologram platform to see if Roxas was under there, which of course he wasn't.

_My liege? My liege? My liege?_ Another Dusk peeked into Kairi's shirt, causing her to scream and smack it, causing its entire head to twist back on its neck before snapping back like a rubber band, grossing her out.

_Where did my liege go?_ After a few fruitless moments of searching, the Dusks gave up and exited in their own unique ways.

"Good thing Dusks are so stupid," Sora said, wiping off some sweat. "Otherwise I might have suffocated under there."

"Unless Truce would keep that from happening," Kairi suggested.

Sora grimaced. "Yeah, well I don't want to try that again and find out. That went horribly. What do we do now?"

_Riku's original idea worked, sort of_, Namine pointed out. _Only he didn't draw a very good picture of a castle, so the Dusks got it wrong._

"Yeah, yeah, it's always my fault," grumbled Riku.

_Your friends despise you so, don't they Riku?_ Xehanort crooned.

"So you're suggesting we let you draw it instead?" Sora asked.

_That's right,_ said Namine.

"But what if the Dusks mob you like they did Roxas?" asked a concerned Kairi.

_They shouldn't, _Roxas said, somewhat embarrassed from the Dusks' reaction to him. _Namine didn't really rank in the Organization, so while they might listen to her, I don't think they'll dogpile her. And besides, none of us can draw as well as she can, even Kairi. I mean, no offense, but your art skills suck. I can't believe Naime's part of you._

Kairi glared at Sora…or rather, the blond inside Sora. "I'm _working_ on it. Jeez."

And so the swap was made. The outgoing and energetic Kairi switched places with the quieter and more demure Namine, who quickly drew a picture of what a real castle plan might look like, and didn't even slightly resemble a mop or a duck, and showed it to room service when the Dusks were called again. "Could you bring us something that looks like this, please?" she asked politely, pointing to the image she had drawn.

The Dusks peered at the picture, nodded, and slid back under the door. They came back a few moments later, each with a rather large rolled-up piece of paper.

Sora and Riku each took one, unrolled it, and examined what was laid bare for them to see. "Well, it's not this castle," Sora said after a moment. "But they're on the right track." His paper showed the blueprints for Disney Castle.

"Yeah, it's a start," agreed Riku, holding the blueprints for Castle Oblivion. "Wow, I didn't know that place had so many floors…"

_Let's try again,_ Kairi suggested. _Now that they know what they're looking for, sort of, it shouldn't be too long before they bring us the right plans instead of ones for another castle. I mean, how many are there, anyway?_

…

An hour later, she would regret that statement. The room service Dusks had, at the group's behest, brought them all the castle plans they could find. Unfortunately, they never specified where to get them from (not like the Dusks would have understood, anyway) and so brought in as many blueprints they could find for every castle there was from here to the furthest corners of the universe. As a result, the Keybearers were now waist-deep in castle plans and swiftly losing their patience.

"Beast's Castle…Agrabah Palace…Imperial Palace…" Sora muttered as he glanced at map after map.

"Castle Perilous…Castle Chaos…Castle in the Sky…" Riku murmured.

"Memoria…Castle Roogna…Good Magician's Castle…" Kairi said with a sigh.

"The People's Palace…Castlevania…Villain's Vale…" Roxas, who had projected himself from Sora, reported. He couldn't touch the maps, but he could still examine them.

"Ganon's Tower…Palace of Winds…Radiant Garden's Citadel…" added Namine, who had also projected himself.

Even Xehanort was, reluctantly, lending a hand. After all, if he didn't know his way around the castle, how was he to find Maleficent and convince her not to marry Pete? "Oni Island castle…Ultimecia's Castle…Mirage Palace…Cor Hydrae…why must there be so many castles?!" the evil spirit roared.

"Wait, I think I found one!" Sora yelled, only to slump in disappointment. "No, wait, false alarm, just somebody else's high-tech flying fortress."

"And why are there so many of those, too?" Xehanort grumbled.

"Because flying castles are cool?" Roxas suggested.

"Just like airships," Namine agreed. "Hence why they show up all the time."

"Especially since you usually _need_ airships to reach flying castles," Roxas added.

"I never needed an airship to reach the Castle that Never Was," Riku said idly, glancing over maps of Castle Tycoon, Exdeath's Castle, Dimension Castle, Castle Baron, Alexandria Castle, and a buttload of other castles, far too many to name. "Just portalled."

"You could use portals again, you know," Xehanort said slyly. "All you need to do-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, nothing I haven't heard before," Riku said glibly, not even looking at his unwanted guest as he continued examining the maps.

"I think I found it!" Roxas announced suddenly. "Yes…yes! I don't know this castle's name, but the images here exactly match the castle's exterior, plus the shaft detailed here is unmistakable! This is the one!"

Sora quickly waded through the other maps over to where Roxas was and looked at what his 'brother' had found. "Yeah, this is it! We've found it!"

"Great!" said Riku in relief. "I was getting paper cuts from all these things. Hey, get back in here!"

"I will be freed someday, Riku!" Xehanort warned his host as he was involuntarily sucked back into his prison. "Just you waaaaiiiiit!" He was gone, once again, for now.

Roxas and Namine recombined with their Others, and the trio/sextet gathered around the rather large map Sora was now holding. "This is perfect," said an excited Kairi. "Just what we needed!"

"Yeah," agreed Riku with a frown. "Now we just need two more of them."

"Huh?" Sora looked up in alarm. "What do you mean, Riku?"

"This castle's way too big for us to tackle in a group, even with the map," said the silver-haired lad, shaking his head. "We'll need to split up if we're going to have any chance of examining all the important-looking places on this map."

"Uh, Riku? Isn't splitting up usually a BAD idea in just about every horror movie or story there is?" Kairi asked anxiously.

"Yeah, but that's usually in enemy territory or haunted places," Riku pointed out. "This place IS indisputably evil HQ…_but_, thanks to the Truce, there's nothing any guards we run into can do to us other than sounding an alarm or taking us back to the room. We'll just have to be super-sneaky, something I learned how to do easily during my time working with DiZ."

_I seem to recall helping you by using the power of darkness for concealment…_ Xehanort pointed out.

"No, I'm not going to use that power again."

_There's no reason for you to be scared of the dark, Riku._

Riku glared inwardly at his burden. "It's not the dark I'm scared of, it's letting you go free once again."

"I think Riku's right, Kairi," Sora said, though it was clear he was unhappy about it.

"But I don't want to split up," Kairi said unhappily. "Something horrible always happens when we're not together."

_I'm not sure what could happen other than some kind of structural collapse or human error that could get us in serious danger,_ Roxas argued. _And besides, we can always switch and portal back to the room if something goes wrong._

_Ah yes, but _Riku_ can't…not without my help, that is…Hehehahahaha!_ Xehanort crowed.

"Be quiet or I'll sing the song," Riku warned him.

_Shutting up,_ Xehanort said quickly.

Kairi sighed. "All right, I guess we could split up…I'm just worried, that's all. And just because Maleficent or her minions can't harm us doesn't mean they can't do other things…"

"We'll just have to be extra careful, then," Sora said cheerfully.

"Sora, do you even know how to be careful or stealthy?" Kairi asked him.

Sora paused. "Uh…well…it can't be that hard, if Riku can do it."

"Hey!"

Kairi groaned and rubbed her temples. "I just know this is going to go horribly wrong somehow…okay, let's do it."

"Awesome! Hey, room service!" Sora called. The two Dusks appeared yet again, bursting out from underneath the tremendous ocean of maps filling the room. "Can you bring us two more _exactly_ like this?" he asked, tapping the map he was holding pointedly. "And get somebody to clean up this mess while we're gone?" Both Nobodies nodded and burrowed back into the maps, returning seconds later with two additional copies of the castle map before vanishing again. "Thanks!"

_This is such a big place,_ Roxas commented as all six of them looked at their respective maps. _Where do we start?_

"I think the best place to find answers about what Maleficent's really planning would be down here," Riku said, stabbing a particular set of chambers detailed rather deep within the fortress. "In her magical laboratory and private chambers."

"You think you can get in?" Sora asked.

Riku smirked. "Sure, I snuck into her room all the time back at Hollow Bastion."

_Yes, but you never took the opportunity to steal her panties,_ Xehanort complained. _Do you suppose we could do that this time? I'd love to have something of hers to remember her by just…just in case…_ He started sobbing again. _In case…she chooses that slob…over me-he-he-heeee!_

"No," Riku said coldly. "I am many things, but a panty thief is not one of them. And especially not Maleficent's panties, I mean really, that's just gross."

_Blasphemy!_ Xehanort cried.

"Then I think I'll check out the bridge," Sora decided, tapping another area of the map. "Zexion said there's multiple back-ups, and I can see them here on the map, but it'd probably be useful to know what kind of controls are being used for this thing."

"And I'll check out the power generators," Kairi decided. "Once more, while there may be backups, it'd be useful to know what this thing's running on."

_And you can swap with any of us if you need to get back here in a hurry,_ Namine said.

_Well, except Riku,_ Roxas said. _Bad luck there._

"Eh, whatever," said Riku, not particularly bothered. "I'll make my own way back."

"Then we'll meet back here…when? A couple of hours?" Kairi asked.

Sora nodded. "Sounds good." He stuck his hand out. "So…"

"One for all," Riku said, picking up on it and putting his hand over Sora's.

"And all for one," Kairi added, putting her hand on top of Riku's.

_If one should fall…_ said Roxas, mentally putting his hand in too.

_Then so will all,_ finished Namine.

_Bah,_ said Xehanort, not even trying.

"This should be interesting," Riku said with a smirk as they broke and prepared to head out.

"Yeah, and best of all, there's no way we can really get in trouble over this, for a change," Sora agreed. "That'll be something new."

…

Meanwhile…

"The fools have no idea we have security cameras in every room, hallway, and chamber do they?" Maleficent asked with an amused smirk as she watched the trio wade their way through the sea of maps in their room to the door.

"No, ma'am," Zexion agreed, tapping away at a computer in one of the castle's numerous security stations. "Should I get security to escort them back to their room?"

"No, they won't find out anything of any use to them anyway. But just to be sure…" Her smirk turned positively malicious. "Reorganize the castle's interior a little, would you? Just enough to make their maps functionally useless. The Truce spell says we can't hurt them, but that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun at their expense."

"Yes ma'am." Zexion swiveled in his seat to face the other Nobodies monitoring computers in the room. "Prepare for partial interior configuration. Alert all personnel to find a room or relatively stable place to wait in, otherwise they might get lost in the reshuffling." The Nobodies, more intelligent specimens than the Dusks and loyal to Zexion, saluted their superior and prepared to do as they were told.

"Oh boy!" Pete cackled, rubbing his hands gleefully. "This should be interesting! They'll be lost like rats in a maze!"

"Yes," agreed Maleficent, looking at the image of Riku walking down a hallway away from his friends. "And completely in need of our…assistance…" She began to let loose a long, low evil laugh, her crow Diablo squawking in agreement with her.

And then Pete belched and totally ruined the moment. "Sorry," he grunted. "Musta had too much soda." Maleficent rolled her eyes.

…

Meanwhile, back at Destiny Islands…

"So you guys are really from another world?" Tidus asked the brown-haired fairy, who cleaned up rather nicely without all the dirt on her.

"Yeah, a place called Fairyworld," she explained.

"Which naturally, is full of fairies," said the gray-haired possible Goth.

"Uh, which kind?" Wakka asked uncertainly, wondering why the darker fairy, Paine, reminded him eerily of that one girl he was seeing on-again off-again. "The little pixy kind, or, you know…the _other_ kind?"

Paine rolled her red eyes and fluttered her wings. "What do you think, dumbass?"

"We have both, actually," the brunette, Yuna, said, wiping the last of the soot off her face with Tidus' T-shirt, which he had gallantly offered her (hoping she'd be impressed by his 'awesome' chest. She didn't really notice.). "Then again, I think lots of places have the latter. Is that a bad thing?"

"No, no! Just askin'" Wakaa said quickly. "So, uh, are you girls _both_ kinds too? I mean, do you…" He trailed off when Paine pulled out a large (for her size) and rather painful-looking sword. "Eh heh…shutting up…"

"Hey, girls?" the blond, Rikku's, voice called from inside the completely and irrevocably damaged ship, known as the Celsius, which would almost certainly never fly again. "I could use some help in here! I think our musical equipment's okay, but it's too heavy to move by myself!"

"Coming," Yuna said. "Thanks for the shirt," the fairy said, handing it back to Tidus.

"Uh, you're welcome," the boy said, grimacing at how much filth was now caked onto the shirt. It had been his favorite… "Musical equipment?"

Yuna nodded. "Yeah, we work as a band on the side when treasure hunting's slow. We're called the Gullwings! Though you've probably never heard of us…"

"Nope," said Tidus.

"No way, mon," Wakka agreed.

Yuna smiled, and Tidus found himself thinking that it was a very nice thing to see, that smile. "That's okay, I'm not surprised."

"_GUYS!"_ Rikku whined.

"We're coming!" Yuna yelled, turning away from Tidus.

"We should let her do it herself," Paine grumbled.

"We can't do that," Yuna said hurtfully. "She's one of us!"

"And your cousin."

"Well yeah, that too…" Paine rolled her eyes and followed her bleeding-heart (in her own words) cohort into the wrecked ship to help Rikku, leaving the Islanders to themselves for the moment.

Tossing his shirt away, Tidus walked over to Wakka, who was looking at some of the personal items that the fairies had unloaded from the ship. Most of them had been damaged beyond repair by the crash, but some of them still looked salvageable. "What are you doing?"

"Jus' lookin' at this stuff, brudda. I mean, this is unbelievable! Objects from another world! Alien artifacts!" He frowned and reached for one of a number of glistening spheres. "I wonder what this one does…"

"Don't touch it!" Selphie, whom the Gullwings had tied to a tree so she couldn't hurt herself (or others) screamed. "It's an alien device! It's beyond our meager human comprehension! There's no telling what it could do! Probably explode your head or tear off your skin or turn you inside out or…" She trailed off, murmuring horrors to herself. Undaunted, Wakka touched the sphere.

He soon wished he hadn't. There was a flash of light, a horrified scream, and then…

The sphere was gone, and Wakka was wearing a dress.

Tidus stared at him in disbelief, and then fell to the sand, laughing until his sides hurt. "Hey mon, this isn't funny!" a furiously blushing Wakka yelled.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "WAKKA'S BEEN TURNED INTO A GIRL! THE ALIENS HAVE GENDER SWAPPING POWERS!"

"Shut up, Selphie," Wakka growled. He was wearing a rather embarrassing and revealing dress, with a long purple skirt that only seemed to consist of a front and a back with no sides hanging down to the ground and pooling around his feet while exposing his skinny legs completely, a black leather top that really consisted of just two large pieces of material running up from the waist to his neck, covering his man-boobs in an overlarge bra and connecting behind his back. His arms were encased up to the shoulders in long purple velvet, and some playing cards had somehow appeared in his hand. His neck was wrapped in a blue three-layered choker with a small gold necklace dangling on a thin chain over his chest. A red heart tattoo had somehow appeared just above his belly button. Also, a peacock feather was now tucked behind his ear.

"Looking good, man," Tidus smirked.

"Shut up, mon!" Wakka snapped, grabbing his Blitzball and throwing it at his friend. Only it wasn't his Blitzball, but another one of the strange spheres. Tidus reflexively caught it, and screamed in horror as he was enveloped in a great flash of light…and found himself wearing a dress, too.

"OH EM GEE! TIDUS HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A GIRL TOO!" Selphie screamed.

"Oh no!" Tidus cried, looking down in horror at his outfit, which consisted of an orange sleeveless blouse with an open lower half revealing his slightly tanned belly and a back which drooped down to his knees. It had lots of ruffles and frills at the edges, and a purple necktie hanging over where the breasts would fit if he were a woman, which he was not. His shorts had been replaced with a short purple skirt with a white belt with three silver rings as a buckle, and his shoes had become knee-high orange boots with purple feathery tops. A couple of thin bands crisscrossed over his upper legs for some reason. Similarly colored gloves covered his arms above the elbows. He had also obtained a speaker phone on a pole, somehow.

Wakka doubled over in laughter. "Who's laughing now, brudda?"

"You?" Selphie suggested. They ignored her, so she went back to screaming at the top of her lungs to get attention.

"What's with all the noise?" Yuna asked, coming out of the Celsius. She stopped and stared when she saw the boys. "Oh dear."

"It's not what it looks like!" Tidus and Wakka both protested immediately.

"I told you they were hicks," grumbled Paine as she floated out of the wreck. "And cross-dressers, too...unless this is why the red-head asked us about fairies. Didn't your mothers teach you not to mess with other people's stuff?"

"We're treasure hunters, Paine," said the blond Rikku, still covered in filth from the crash as she fluttered out behind the dark fairy. "So that's kina hypocritical coming from…hey, is that kid wearing my Songstress dressphere?!"

"And my Lady Luck one," Paine said with a sigh, shaking her head. "Great, we couldn't have crashed in a worse place."

"We could have," Yuna pointed out. "Remember Voreworld?" All three fairies shuddered at that memory.

"Can you girls help us out of these?" Tidus asked weakly, feeling more embarrassed than he ever had in his life, even when his father had showed up at school one day and announced that Tidus had forgotten his underwear to the whole second grade.

"Sure, this'll just take a second," said Yuna, floating off the ground and over to the blond.

"And I hope this teaches you a lesson," said Paine, already working on Wakka. "Never, EVER touch a lady's private things without permission."

"Yes ma'am," both boys said solemnly.

Selphie continued screaming in the background, until her voice dislodged a coconut which cracked down on her head, knocking her out and mercifully silencing her.

…

Well, things are getting interesting, aren't they? What do you suppose will happen to the group wandering lost inside Maleficent's castle? And what more insane adventures will happen with the Gullwings in Destiny Islands? Find out next time!


	3. Exploring the Castle Perilous

Well, I'm glad to see I've caught you readers' attention. Hopefully, this chapter will hold more surprises and laughs for you…and a bit more angst and horror as well, but longtime readers of my work should be familiar with such contrasts, and would also be aware that I often compensate for such seriousness with extra-funny comedy. Hope this entertains you as much as it entertained me writing it!

Longtime readers will also notice how long this chapter is, and probably not be surprised. For those of you new to my style, my apologies, but I can't help being rather prolific when it comes to writing.

Disclaimer: The characters within belong to Square Enix and Disney, not me. Except for one or two of them.

…

Kairi was becoming more and more certain that they were either lost, or they had the wrong map, which come to think of it would also mean they were lost, which meant either way that something was very wrong.

_I don't think this hallway is on the map,_ Namine said in confusion as they walked aimlessly from one passageway to another. _Or that one…or that one…_

"Did we get the wrong map?" Kairi voiced her fear.

_I don't think so…it seemed like the right map when the Dusks gave it to us…_ Namine didn't sound very certain, though.

"And yet we're completely lost."

_There is that, yeah._

Kairi sighed and walked to the end of the hallway, exiting and finding, to her surprise, that she was in a gallery circling the great central shaft that ran up and down the heart of the keep. She stared in disbelief, glanced back down at the map, and scratched her head in abject confusion. "Okay, this can't be right. Even if the map was wrong, I'm pretty sure we've been heading down and _away_ from this shaft ever since we left the boys…but now it looks as if we're even _higher_ than when we started. And I don't recall walking up that many staircases or using upwards-going elevators. What the heck is going on here?"

_If I didn't know any better, I'd say that the castle's reconstructing itself around us…_ Namine said. _No wait, that must be _exactly _what's happening._

Kairi rolled her eyes and crumpled up the map in her hands, which she was now sure was completely useless. "Of course. Maleficent couldn't just make it easy for us, now could she?"

_Nope._

"Figures."

_Want me to portal us back to the room?_

"Sure, though I doubt there's much to do there until the boys get back…then again, maybe they got lost and gave up too." Kairi gasped, getting a horrible thought. "Oh no! Riku can't portal back if he gets lost! How will he find us?"

_His nose, remember? He can just follow his own scent back._

Kairi blinked. "Will that work?"

_I think it should. Zexion did it a few times…I think._

Kairi sighed. "Okay then. But if he doesn't come back, we'll all have to go looking for him, right?"

_Right._ And with that, Namine and Kairi switched places. The auburn-haired young lady turned blonde, and her pink outfit with many zippers was replaced by a simpler white dress. Namine blinked her large blue eyes, squinting a little at the light from the Heartless and Nobody insignia-shaped lights overhead and other illumination in the shaft, and started when the nearest wall of the gallery facing the shaft unfolded outwards with a loud rumble, and several floating platforms with spiked bottoms converged in the middle of the great expanse from out of nowhere, hovering in place to form a long bridge or staircase of stepping stones leading directly across the shaft to a door set higher up in the wall, a wall which was not part of the level in which Kairi and Namine were now on. "Wh-what was that?" asked an alarmed Namine.

_I think somebody was waiting for you to do that,_ said Kairi, tensing from her current position in Namine's/her own heart or mind or wherever. _It looks like we've been expected._

"What should we do?" Namine asked anxiously. "Go forward, or go back to the room?"

_Well…it's your choice. Since this path appeared the instant we switched, I think that means it's for you._

"But who would possibly be interested in-" Namine stopped. She glowered. "Zexion."

_Sounds right._

Namine sighed. "Well, if that's the case I might as well indulge him. If I don't play his mind games…" She trailed off, not really wanting to go there. As a memory witch, she knew all too well the pain of bad memories, especially her own. She laughed it off nervously. "Well, he'll probably just rearrange the castle so we're right back here again. Might as well. Right?"

_Namine…_ Kairi said carefully. _If…if you think this is going to be painful in any way…we can just portal away. Reshaping the castle's hallways won't mean a thing if we just use a dark corridor to head right back to our room._

Namine took a deep breath. What she wanted most right now was to do just that, to run back to the room and hide under the covers until Roxas/Sora got back so she wouldn't have to think about Zexion or the Organization or anything that had happened to her since her 'birth' while she dwelled in the lairs of the Nobodies. She wanted to leave, now, before her memories overwhelmed her and she screamed and screamed and didn't stop for a long time.

She found herself walking forward, her feet moving almost of their own volition, and taking her to where the gallery ended and the shaft began, the first step of the 'staircase' of floating platforms hovering patiently for her. She stood there, motionless, for what felt like hours. Then, she stretched one leg out, planted her foot onto the platform, and stepped on.

Things from there seemed like a blur, passing right through her short-term memory and out the other side as she slowly hopped up the platforms to the doorway. Wyvern and Gargoyle Heartless swooped around her, their yellow eyes watching in curiosity (or hunger) as the former Nobody climbed up the stairs. In what seemed like mere moments, she stood before the rectangular, innocuous white door. She gazed at it for several more moments, as if contemplating it, her hand outstretched halfway to touch the doorknob.

_Namine! Namine!_

"Hmm?" The blond blinked.

_Namine, I've been yelling at you for the last ten minutes!_ Kairi said; her voice filled with desperation and relief. _What's wrong?!_

Namine blinked, still staring at the doorway. "I don't know…" she said slowly.

_Turn back. This is all wrong._

"You're right," Namine agreed faintly. "It is wrong. But I can't turn back."

_Why not?_

"I never could. Not ever," she said softly. "I never had a choice, even when I thought I did. I don't now."

…_What are you talking about?!_ Kairi screamed.

"I don't know," Namine admitted calmly. Her hand snatched out and turned the knob. Namine wasn't sure whether she had done it consciously or not. She didn't think it really mattered.

The door opened. The door closed. Namine had stepped through the opening before it shut, and into…

Her pupils shrank. "No," she whispered. "No. _NO!_"

It was a medium-sized, completely white room. The floor was white, the ceiling was white, and the walls were white. Even the furniture was white, not that there was much of it. There were two chairs, a small table, a bed, and a very large transparent crystal ball sitting on a metallic holder which was, of course, white. The only thing that wasn't white was a small empty gold birdcage hanging from the rafters in a small corner of the room. The walls were featureless save for little reliefs of roses and Nobody emblems in lieu of wallpaper.

To anyone else, the room would have seemed a little weird, but not particularly dangerous or frightening. But for Namine, this place held nothing but sheer, abject terror.

"No," she cried again, trembling and falling to her knees. "Not here! NOT HERE! No! No! NOOOO!" She grabbed her head, hyperventilating, her eyes shrinking in panic. "Nonononononotherenotherenotherepleasenotherenottheroomnottheroomnononononononononoooooooooo!"

_Namine! Namine, what's wrong?!_ A horrified Kairi screamed. Namine, in the throes of madness, ignored the voice in her head, shaking and mumbling frenzied denials and pleas. _Namine! Namine! NAMINE!_

Namine's eyes darted wildly all over the place as her chest shook. She was on the verge of throwing up. "Idon'twannagobackdon'twannagobackpleasepleasepleasenotherenotherenot_here_Idon'twannagoIdon'twannago_NOTHERE!_"

Her heartbeat sped up rapidly, almost dangerously, from her stress. She wobbled, on the verge of passing out, darkness forming at the edges of her vision. Kairi's desperate cries went unheard, the only sound Namine could hear the palpitations of their shared heart and her crazed murmurings, until…

A hand grabbed her shoulder, hard. "That's enough," said a voice as black as a shadow in this pure white space. "That's _enough,_ Namine! Stop!"

She did. In a flash of light, Namine was gone, a confused and distraught Kairi taking her place as the blond retreated into the deepest depths of their shared mind. Kairi gasped, covered in sweat, shaking from the sudden transition and the horrible panicked condition her body was in. She took a few very deep breaths to try and calm down; relaxing when her heartbeat slowed and the sound of blood stopped rushing through her ears. "Namine?" she coughed, her lungs still a bit out of order. "Namine? Speak to me!"

There was no response, save for the faintest hint of a whisper in the back of Kairi's subconscious. Wherever Namine was, she wasn't going to come out anytime soon.

Eyes flashing in rage, Kairi sprung to her feet and whirled around, Keyblade forming in her hand as she glared at the black-cloaked Zexion. "What did you do to her?!" she screamed. "_What did you do?!"_

"It was an experiment," Zexion said calmly, not particularly worried, since the Truce spell would keep Kairi from ripping him apart. "I was curious to see how Namine, a former Nobody, would react to being put back in her original environment, where we kept her while she was in the Organization's care. Thanks to the heart you share, I expected the true emotions she experienced would be intense, but I had not thought her reaction would be this volatile or self-destructive. I suppose this means the heart is a far greater source of emotional power than I thought…that, or Namine has not yet become skilled enough to control her new emotions properly. Interesting."

"You…you made this place look like her old room just to see how Namine would react?!" Kairi snapped, wishing the Truce weren't on so she could cave Zexion's head in. "You bastard! Of _course_ she'd react negatively! She _hated_ it here, and whatever you Organization jerks did to her must have been so traumatizing she's never spoken of it and has always diverted talk away from it! Even Roxas has been reluctant to say anything about it, which must mean it was _really_ bad!"

"Is that so?" said Zexion, sounding faintly surprised. "He hasn't told you? Hmm, on second thought, I suppose that makes sense. After all, you'd probably think less of him because of it, what with you Somebodies tendency to look down on those who differ from your norms and values."

Kairi blinked. "What? What are you talking about?"

Zexion smirked. "You really don't know, do you? Allow me to explain. You clearly are suffering from the delusion that just because Roxas is your boyfriend Sora's Nobody, his shadow so to speak, that Roxas acted like Sora when he was a member of the Organization. That he was a nice guy at heart. Only, he _didn't_ have a heart, you see. So he was in fact very little like Sora at all."

"…What are you saying?" Kairi asked warily, not liking where this was going.

"You see, Princess, the reason Roxas hasn't told you much about what we did to Namine is simple. If he did so, you would think less of him, because many of those things he did _personally_," Zexion said matter-of-factly.

Kairi stumbled, feeling for a moment as if the world had dropped out from under her feet. "Wh-what? What did you just say?!"

"Roxas was nothing like your precious, kind-hearted Sora when he was Number XIII," Zexion clarified. "He was as much a heartless, cruel, killer as any of us were. Perhaps more so, which makes me wonder if perhaps that's part of why he and Axel got along so well, since they were both some of our best murderers…among other things. The change in his personality you're familiar with is rather recent, either something my former mentor did to him or some by-product of sharing a heart with Sora, much as Namine has changed in emotional output thanks to sharing your heart."

"…N-no. That can't be true," Kairi denied. "Roxas couldn't have-" She stopped, recalling Roxas' comments when they had first arrived in the shaft about horrible things he had done, as well as regrets…or perhaps the lack of them. She then also remembered Namine's comment about erasing her own memories once before, and for the first time realized why she might have wanted to do that. "Oh no," she whispered. "Roxas, what did you do?"

"Many things," Zexion said. "He's single-handedly killed hundreds, if not thousands or millions, of people, as well as quite a few worlds, during his time with the Organization. He wanted a heart as badly as the rest of us, and so saw nothing wrong in doing whatever he deemed necessary to get that heart…even if it involved tormenting the resident memory witch, like the rest of us."

"But…but Roxas _loves_ Namine," Kairi protested. "And she loves him. How could they still care for each other, if…"

"If Roxas tortured her or did worse?" Zexion finished. "For the same reason you would probably still love Sora no matter what he did, or what he became, because of the bond between your hearts. Even though Roxas and Namine had no hearts, as your shadows they had a shadow of the same bond. But, being Nobodies and therefore lacking the proper ability to generate emotions, that bond was expressed in ways you Somebodies would probably find most distressing. In fact, you could almost say that that bond _compelled_ Roxas to harm Namine…just as that same bond forces Namine to forgive him for it. At least, that's my theory. How interesting, that virtually every aspect of your Nobodies' lives is shaped by their other halves."

Kairi was speechless for a moment, turning Zexion's words over and over in her mind for some hint of a lie…but she could find none. Feeling rather weary all of a sudden, she sat down in one of the stark white chairs. "So…so that's why Roxas hurt her?" Kairi asked quietly. "Because he loved her but didn't understand it?"

Zexion shrugged. "I suppose so. Of course, that doesn't explain why he did all those other horrible things, does it?"

"…No. Why did he do that?" Kairi asked.

Zexion was silent for a moment. He glanced at one of the walls, as if something of great relevance was there, before speaking again. "It's part of being a Nobody. At least, that's what all our testing and experiences seem to indicate. When a Somebody becomes a Nobody, the Nobody retains their memories of life to some extent, or they do when they take on human form like those in the Organization. The problem is, without emotions we lack the context to properly understand those memories. All we have is the memory of emotion, and while that helps us emulate actual feeling…it's not enough. Memories alone never really are." He looked back at Kairi. "And because you can no longer really understand what your memories meant or why you did what you did while you were alive…the mores and rules you used to follow, your morals or personal code of conduct, stop making sense. You stop feeling guilty for doing things that you used to consider bad, so you see no reason not to do them. On the other hand, you have no real motivation to do those things either, since you can't feel any joy or pride in accomplishing it. Just emptiness." He sighed. "Since our emotions are gone and morals seem meaningless, so do all of the higher causes or philosophies we once believed in. Only physical things start to matter. But those don't bring us any satisfaction at all, just like the loss of our morals, but since it's the only thing left we can grasp or understand in the slightest it's all we have, and so we cling to it all the tighter. As a result, we often resort to base cruelty or violence, since those are basic human instincts and don't go away with our loss of emotion. In fact, they're more likely to appear, since our inhibitions are gone too, but since there's no pleasure in being violent or not being violent, only those who have the strongest memories of enjoying it in life partake in it the most, out of habit more than anything else. And, since those memories may be all they can cling to, their expression of those behaviors becomes that much more exaggerated and dangerous. As a result, every one of us becomes capable of killing without remorse, though for some it comes easier than others. Even those who deny it, like Demyx, don't really feel anything at all after they've done it. For all his whining and complaints, he really had no more trouble drowning all those villages or continents than Axel did in burning down all those orphanages and cities or forests, or Saix did in decimating the populations of entire worlds and drinking their blood or eating their children live…" He shrugged, not bothered by Kairi's look of growing disgust. "To be fair, some of us felt something like a…rush, I suppose, in these acts of wanton violence…but they were ultimately hollow, nothing more than a memory of a memory. I think perhaps that is why Saix in particular was so unstable, because the thrill of killing was one of the few semblances of emotion he could still remember accurately, and so had to kill as often as possible to keep that memory from fading away. He became addicted to it, just as Demyx became addicted to his music, or Larxene to her torture, or Marluxia to his garden, or Axel…well, all of us really…to alcohol, (and later, Roxas) because it was those things that gave our empty lives the strongest trace of feeling or meaning…even if it didn't last very long at all.

"I think, actually, that's partly why we did all those things to Namine," he mused. "Vexen hypothesized it, in fact, and repeated tests seemed to prove it. As a memory witch, Namine naturally has power over memories. As Nobodies with fading memories, it's only natural for us to try to exploit her powers to make our memories more vivid to tide us over until we could find actual hearts to stop feeling so empty."

"Did it work?" Kairi asked quietly.

"To varying extents, yes," Zexion said. "Which is why we kept exploiting her. As a valuable and inexpendable resource, it only made sense for us to do that to her."

"Then that's all she was to you?" Kairi snapped. "A resource?"

"All of us were resources to each other," Zexion said. "Some of us who had been friends in life did, admittedly, stick together, but that was more out of habit than any real feelings of companionship. Except for Roxas and Axel, possibly…but then again, Roxas was a very unusual Nobody, so being around him could make others in turn feel…unusual. Axel repeatedly said that being around Roxas made him feel more real. If Vexen had had the chance, he would have dissected Roxas to find out just what gave him that unique property so he could synthesize it for everyone…or more likely, just himself. Fortunately, Xemnas forbid that, since we needed Roxas to help us gather more hearts for our master plan. Probably a good thing, too…Axel might have killed Vexen early, and then we would have lost one of our greatest scientific minds before he outlived his usefulness."

"I suppose being very uncaring about your companions comes naturally to you, to?" Kairi accused. "As a Nobody?"

"Of course. It makes it that much easier to betray or kill them, even if it's technically against the rules. That's why we didn't really fuss when Axel drunkenly murdered some of the other neophyte members of the Organization…or when somebody else did it, too, other than the required amount of punishment to convince them it probably wouldn't be a good idea to do it again in the near future. As long as they weren't of the first six, the oldest and smartest, none of us really cared, since anyone else could just be replaced."

"And you couldn't be?"

Zexion shook his head. "No. Since we first six had established memories of working well together, we were able to accomplish the most by working together as Nobodies too. However, even that had limits…as the fact that nobody came to see if I was really dead should tell you."

"Sometimes I wonder if you guys are misnamed…seems to me you're the ones who should really be called Heartless," Kairi said with an angry glare.

"I'll take that as a compliment. Now, in any event, that's why most of us acted as we did. Roxas, on the other hand…had no memories from his previous life, since his Other wasn't actually dead. That may be why he was better able to emulate emotion, perhaps even feel something like real emotion…due to his unusual 'birth.' Vexen, as I said before, wanted to dissect him to understand this more fully, but as I also said before Xemnas considered Roxas too valuable to dispose of that way. At least, not until we didn't need him anymore anyway. His lack of memories made Roxas even more frustrated and jealous…or semblances of those, anyway…with us, since we at least had memories. That was the source of much of his obsession with Namine, because he wanted her to give him memories. However, we forbade her to give him any of Sora's memories, since we didn't want him to know his Other was, in fact, alive, since that would ruin all our careful plans. So she was forced to make false memories for Roxas, and unfortunately for Namine, he wasn't satisfied with them. None of them felt real enough to him and so he discarded them and kept forcing her to make better ones, by whatever means he felt necessary."

"And that's why he did all those things," Kairi realized fully at last. "And why all of you did, too."

Zexion nodded. "Do you pity us, now that you understand why we did what we did? All of us?"

Kairi glared at him. "You can read my mind. Why don't you tell me?" Zexion smirked but said nothing. "Is that all you wanted to do? Mess with my head and traumatize Namine?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"Well, I hope you're happy. Oh wait, I _don't_. Because you don't have a heart, and therefore _can't_ feel happy, so you're just doing all this out of some cruel but stupid habit as some pathetic attempt to get some semblance of feeling again. And it didn't work, did it?" Kairi challenged.

"…" Zexion blinked. "Hn. Touche, Princess." He clapped a few times, mockingly, then stepped back and opened a dark portal. "We're done here. This will take you back to your room. My commendation, by the way, for figuring out how to call room service."

"Thank you," she said curtly. "Goodbye." She got up and started to walk into the portal when Zexion stopped her abruptly again.

"Wait," he said. "Before you go…" He reached into his coat and pulled out what looked to be several dozen thick sketchpads bound together by string. "Here."

Kairi blinked in confusion as she took the pads. "What are these?"

"While Namine was here, one of the ways she helped us—when we made her—remember our memories better was by drawing them," Zexion explained. "She made other drawings too, of her own memories, or what she remembered of yours and Sora's. When I got back from Castle Oblivion and found the Castle that Never Was had been virtually destroyed, one of the first things I did after making my deal with Maleficent was to search the ruins for Namine's room. There, I gathered up all the intact pictures and filled sketchpads I could find and kept them for myself."

Kairi blinked. "Why?"

"Because with Namine gone, I needed some way to remember what had come before. I didn't want my memories to fade away, since they're some of what little I have left," Zexion said. "So I kept them, so I wouldn't forget."

"Then…why are you giving them to me?" Kairi asked in confusion.

"I've already made copies," Zexion said. "So I don't need the originals. And I thought they probably belonged with the artist who had made them in the first place…so she would remember too, even if she might not want to. Her existence here might not have been pleasant, but it's still a part of who she is, and shouldn't be discarded so quickly. And…" He paused. "It's another experiment, I suppose. I've done evil things for so long without really feeling anything that I wanted to see if doing a good deed would have any better results."

"…And?" Kairi asked after a moment, looking up at Zexion. "What do you feel?"

"…Nothing," Zexion whispered, not very surprised. "Nothing at all."

…

"So, this is your hometown…" Yuna said, looking around. "I kind of like it. It's nice."

"And small," grunted Paine.

"I think that's what adds to the charm," Yuna said.

"Yeah, 'charm'." Paine rolled her eyes. "Code language for 'big heap of nothing'."

"Well, I like it too!" Rikku chirped. "It's warm and sunny, and the people here are so nice!"

"Here you go," one street vendor said, handing Riku a blue butterfly-shaped hair barrette. "It goes with your eyes."

"Thank you!" Rikku said happily, clipping it on instantly and, unfortunately, leaving their native guides to pay for her 'gift'…again.

The sextet were currently exploring the main town of Destiny Islands where our heroes and less important trio lived. It was a small, but thriving community, with buildings that rarely if ever rose above two stories, most of them colorful with pink roofs and tan walls. There were lush tropical flowers and trees in great abundance growing along the streets and on the lawns of houses or buildings, one of which Yuna had plucked when nobody was looking and placed in her hair. Tidus thought that went well with her eyes, too. The air seemed to be infused with a relaxing, calm pleasure and joy radiating from the islanders that expressed their (mostly) laid-back attitudes and philosophy of living life one day at a time (for the most part) to enjoy it as much as possible. This pleasure was only slightly marred by the overeager and overdressed tourists stampeding here and there, taking tons of pictures of inconsequential things and purchasing tons of souvenirs and supposedly traditional island clothes and objects from stores so they could get the 'full' experience of what it was like to live here. The islanders took this all in good humor, as they always did. After all, the tourists were a primary source of the income they used to keep their town looking so nice and their people so happy…

The visitors from off-world had used fairy magic to enlarge themselves to human size in an attempt to blend in. Their unfamiliar hairstyles and clothing made this completely impossible, but the awe and wonder (or indifference, in Paine's case) they showed to everything they saw made it clear they were tourists, which wasn't far from the truth, and so went largely unnoticed by all. They had visited some of the 'hotspots' in town already, the school they all went to (Or "Hell on Earth," as Tidus dubbed it, "Boredom Central," in Wakka's own words, and "Where the mainland government is secretly exposing our brains to invisible rays to make us more complacent and easier to control, perpetuating our island's tourist economy and preventing us from ever developing into a strong, independent nation again!"), the museum (unfortunately closed for repairs, thanks to some idiot tourist knocking over all the displays like they were dominoes), Town Hall, which also doubled as the mayor's residence and where their good friend Kairi lived (seeing as her adopted father was the mayor),the Blitzball stadium, which really impressed the fairies (even Paine, for a moment) since they had never seen anything like it before ("Back home, we play lots of weird and different sports," Yuna said. "But nothing involving holding your breath for so long. Partly because we don't actually breathe using lungs but a complicated system of nearly-invisible pores and spiracles on our skin or wings. Not that we don't still have aquatic games, they just lack the tension in the air from knowing the players might actually drown if they're not careful."

"What kind of sports do you guys play, then?" Wakka asked, wondering if he might be any good at them.

"Oh, all sorts of neat things! Most of them involve the most creative uses of magic in certain kinds of competitions," Rikku explained, thoroughly crushing Wakka's hopes.

"The klutz here actually got a medal for blowing up the stadium by accidentally conjuring a fire-breathing dragon and a barrel of rum at the same time she cast a spell for thirst on the dragon," Paine explained. "You can guess what happened from there. The stadium was easily repaired and she won the competition for creating such a dazzling explosion, but nobody ever lets her live it down. Especially me."

"Why were you conjuring a dragon?" a confused Tidus asked Rikku.

"I, uh, wasn't trying to," said the embarrassed blond. "I was trying to turn straw, lead, and water into gold. Did I mention I've never been very good at conjuration? Or transfiguration? Or…most forms of magic, actually? I'm very good at alchemy, though…"

"Yes, she only blew up the alchemy classroom five thousand seven hundred and thirty-six times rather than one hundred and fifty-seven thousand, eight hundred and eleven times like she did with all her other classes combined," Yuna agreed, sounding oddly proud of her cousin for this 'success'.

Wakka and Tidus gave each other anxious looks, praying that Rikku didn't try any magic in the near future, save that which went into her 'disguise'. "How'm I supposed to beat that record?" Selphie asked, annoyed. "I've only blown up the classroom fifty-two times." Wakka and Tidus also started praying that Rikku did not, under any circumstances, teach Selphie magic.), the Crusaders' Lounge, and the street market, where they were now. But soon enough they were done with that, and began wandering through the residential area of town, saying hello to neighbors and good friends. It was a small, warm, friendly place, the kind where everyone knew everybody else's name and really bought into the philosophy of 'Life is Wonderful', 'Do unto others as you would have others do unto you', 'Be good friends with thy neighbor, and your neighbor's neighbor, and your neighbor's neighbor's neighbor, etc', as well as something which Sora said he had come across elsewhere in his own adventures that he summed up as 'Hakuna Matata.' (What this meant the less important trio didn't know, but weren't sure if they believed it since Sora said he had learned it from a talking meerkat and warthog. They didn't have the slightest clue what a meerkat was, and Sora himself wasn't too sure either.) The reason behind these philosophies would soon be explained by the three native guides as they led the fairies to a very old, very decrepit building that may at one point have been a church or a temple. It probably would have fallen apart ages ago, yet seemed as if it had almost intentionally been maintained in its current condition. "What is this place?" Yuna asked. "It seems kind of…lonely…"

"According to island folklore and our history books, this is the Temple of Bob," Wakka said, putting his hands behind his head.

"Who's Bob?" Rikku asked.

Tidus shrugged. "Some guy who lived a really, really long time ago. Nobody really remembers him as a person. We don't need to though, we just need to learn from his example."

"Which was…" Rikku asked.

"A long, long time ago," Selphie said. "There was a guy called Bob."

Paine rolled her eyes. "Yeah, we gathered that."

"People today think he came from the mainland, possibly the first person to ever reach our islands from one of the bigger continents," Tidus said. "Old scripture describes him arriving with the tide, so he was probably a survivor from some big shipwreck, the seas could be very dangerous back then. Our ancestors had never seen a guy like him before, so they thought he was a god, and treated him as one. He took advantage of that and taught them his own personal views on morality and life and how people should act towards each other, and told our ancestors that if they didn't do as he said they'd all go to Hell. Frightened, they did as he told them to, and he ruled like a king for a long time. On his deathbed, he promised he'd return in a thousand years to guide us to Heaven."

"So, our ancestors did as Bob told them, and for a thousand years adhered to his teachings, as told in 'The Book of Bob," Selphie explained uncharacteristically calmly.

"Life wasn't very pleasant back then…" Wakka said sadly. "Not like it is now, anyway. The laws were very restrictive towards women and people with sexual preferences other than those espoused in the Book of Bob, and generally stifled creativity and diversity. Anyone who broke those laws or disagreed with the Church established in Bob's name were punished, tortured, and often killed for their so-called heresy." He shook his head miserably. "Man, they didn't even have blitzball! Our ancestors invented a game that would become its precursor, but the Church of Bob outlawed it and said it was ungodly and sinful, so we had to play only the church-approved sports and games, which really sucked, mon."

"But clearly things aren't like that now," said Yuna. "So…what happened?"

"A violent revolution?" Paine asked with a hint of hope, intrigued to learn that this oh-so-happy place may have had such a dark past.

"The people who disagreed with Bob broke off to form their own sect and built a new civilization far away from the church, sorta like our ancestors did in Fairyworld a long time ago to escape an oppressive 'master race' who was controlling us?" Rikku asked.

"We might have…" said Tidus. "But that's not what the history books, folklore, and our own families have told us."

"_If_ they can be believed," Selphie said conspiratorially, eyes shifting about as if someone might be watching them at that very moment.

"A thousand years passed, and everyone waited eagerly for Bob to show up like he had promised. And…" Tidus trailed off.

"He didn't come," Yuna said.

"Nope, no way he's coming back," joked Wakka. "He's probably a rotting old corpse in a crumbling tomb…somewhere. Nobody's sure where it is now."

"Maybe he WILL come back," Selphie whispered conspiratorially. "As a ZOMBIE! And then the world will end…" Her eyes darted about. "I had a dream once where he did come back, and I married him. It was very nice." The fairies looked at each other, then at Selphie, dubiously.

Tidus continued. "The people were confused and distraught that Bob hadn't come for them like he promised he would. The church decided they had miscalculated the appointed date for Bob's return, pushed it up a bit, and waited. And waited. And waited some more. They waited for another two hundred years, and he still didn't come."

"By then, everyone was getting rather tired of the church making excuses for why Bob wasn't there, and for arbitrarily punishing them for not being devout enough, and finally they just…had enough, I guess," said Wakka. "I don't blame them, you know? I've thought of doing the same thing once or twice at school…not that it's that bad, okay, but it gets boring some times, especially on hot days when you'd rather be cooling off in a pool playing Blitzball."

"Our ancestors (at the time) looked back at the last thousand years, reevaluated their lives, and realized that things as they were, under the word of Bob, sucked. Yes, Bob had brought them interesting, useful, and innovative ideas and technologies from his life on the mainland, but the majority of the ideals and concepts he had preached no longer seemed valid, fair, or even made sense. The church, which was suffering from doubt and loss of faith and getting tired of the whole thing too, agreed with everyone else that things had to change," said Selphie. "So the church disbanded, the Book of Bob was made invalid, and those who had been executed and punished in the past for being sinful or disagreeing with the authority of the time were posthumously pardoned. Our ancestors came together and decided to start again from the ground up, rebuilding their society with less restrictive laws and rules that would be fairer to all and allow us to live more happily…or so we're told." Her eyes got all shifty again. "But who knows what _really_ happened?"

"The new way of life our ancestors made has held true for the last four hundred years, adapting with the times but remaining basically the same at its core. Even contact with the mainland and the advent of tourism hasn't fundamentally changed the way we live our lives now," Tidus said proudly. "We keep this old church in relatively…well, we keep it to remind ourselves of the mistakes of our ancient ancestors, so that we may never repeat them again."

Wakka nodded. "And when it comes to religion…well, as my idol Lord Ohalland, founder of Blitzball, once said…'If there truly is a Creator, a being who made us and the rest of the universe, then I would think it would want us to live our lives to their fullest potential, rather than bind them to an existence which oppresses our freedom and creativity. We need no church to honor this Creator then, for we honor this being through the very act of living. Remember that you are alive, doing what you were made to do; _live;_ and you offer our Creator the greatest thanks it could possibly receive. Enjoy life, and all which comes with it, to find all the spiritual fulfillment you could possibly need. Now, let's blitz!'" He grinned and leaned forward. "In my opinion, truer words have never been said, ya?"

"It does have a rather inspiring ring to it," Yuna agreed.

"Hmm. I never thought a dinky island like this would have come up with such a cute philosophy," Paine said with a small smirk. She shook her head. "I'm too jaded. Maybe crashing here wasn't such a bad thing after all…"

"That whole story kind reminds me of how Fairyworld got started in the first place," Rikku reminisced.

"Oh?" Tidus asked.

"You were oppressed by the laws of a misogynistic man named Bob too?" Selphie asked. "And women could be purchased as wives or traded by husbands who tired of them, and had absolutely no rights whatsoever and could even be killed without anyone raising a fuss? And children were used as forced labor and could be killed by their fathers for displeasing them or even being the wrong gender?"

"…No," said a disturbed Rikku. "Well, yes, except for the Bob part. We fairies—or as we sometimes call ourselves, pixies—were once the lesser and weaker of two broad species which together made up those who call themselves fairies. The stronger race, who some might call elves, oppressed the pixies and less powerful members of the fairy species. But our ancestors were able to break free from those 'elves' and their aloof rulers, Lord Oberon and Lady Titania, millions of years ago, and establish a new home we now call Fairyworld."

"I can't imagine those ruler guys were happy with that," Wakka commented.

"They weren't, and still aren't," Yuna said.

The islanders blinked. "'Aren't?'" Selphie asked in confusion.

"Elves, or the Fae, or the Hill Folk, or whatever the hell they decide to call themselves in the morning, are pretty much immortal," explained Paine. "As a result, they can hold very long grudges. They hate us for leaving them, and swore they would have revenge against all pixie--and related species--kind someday."

"Then…could they come here?!" asked an alarmed Tidus, worried suddenly for Yuna's safety, and that of the Islands after a moment.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed, panicking as well. "THEY'LL INVADE US AND BURN OUR HOMES AND ENSLAVE OUR SOULS IN UNDEAD BODIES FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"No," Yuna said, shaking her head. "They won't come here. They retreated from the universe at large due to the rise of mankind and other mortal races."

"Ah, so we scared them off, huh?" Wakka boasted, puffing his chest out.

"No, they just don't like the smell of mortal species," Paine said. "As short-lived beings, you smell of death and entropy, something that terrifies some of the longest-lived races."

Wakka blinked, and sniffed himself. "…I don't smell that bad, do I? I can get some deodorant or something…or is there some kinda shampoo I can take for that?"

"Maybe if you don't shower, you'll smell worse and scare all the elves and other aliens away," Selphie said. "I know! From now on, I will never bathe again! And so our world will be saved!" Yuna and Rikku giggled, Paine rolled her eyes, and Wakka looked confused and disgusted. Tidus, however, was deep in thought.

Despite the reassurances of the off-worlders, Tidus was frightened that these evil fairies would come to have revenge on his new friend Yuna, (who he was really growing to like) as a descendant of those original secessionists. Assuming she hadn't been one of those secessionists. How old was she, anyway? If fairies were immortal or very long-lived, then they could probably stay young-looking forever, meaning he probably didn't have any chance with her since to her he was probably nothing more than a hair or speck of dust in the wind, gone in the blink of an eye to such an ageless being as her.

Wait, why was he thinking about this anyway? And for that matter, where had his friends gone? "Hey, wait for me!" he yelled, seeing they were walking down the street away from him, quickly rushing off to catch up.

"Oh, hey Tidus, I was wondering when you'd wake up," said a relieved Yuna, making Tidus flush that she had been concerned about him.

"Why'd you guys leave?!" he asked angrily.

"You were standing there staring into the distance for ten minutes, brudda," Wakka said. "Selphie was screaming that the aliens had stolen your mind or that the government brainwaves finally got to you," Rikku said. "Glad to see she was wrong!"

"Uh, well, I was just thinking something. Deep thoughts, yeah," Tidus said quickly.

"So deep you didn't hear us yelling at you or feel us poking you repeatedly before giving up and walking away?" Paine said doubtfully.

"_Very_ deep thoughts," Tidus said, feeling extremely embarrassed. "So deep that, um, I can't even remember what they were. Yeah. And….look, over there! It's Lulu and Wakka's brother making out!" he yelled quickly to change the subject.

Everyone looked, and Tidus was amazed that Wakka's dark-haired goth on again-off again girlfriend Lulu was indeed making out with Wakka's brother Chappu, who looked eerily like Tidus, just with redder hair.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "A POD PERSON IMPERSONATING LULU IS SUCKING OUT CHAPPU'S SOUL!" Everyone stared at her. "What? She is!" All shook their heads and said nothing.

"Aaaagggghhh! Lulu! Chappu! What're you doing?!" Wakka screamed, tearing at his oddly-shaped red hair with his fists.

The two teens quickly broke off. "Oh, hey Wakka," Lulu said calmly, brushing back one of her many braids. Paine noted with interest that she and the girl shared a similar fashion sense, though Lulu was into inordinate numbers of belts, for some reason.

"Uh, hi Big Bro, what's up?" Chappu said uneasily, inching behind Lulu for protection. "Got some new friends there, I see…"

"Huh? Oh yeah, they're from outta town, but that doesn't explain WHAT YOU TWO WERE DOING MAKING KISSY-FACES AT EACH OTHER!" Wakka bellowed, looking as if he was going to smash his brother's face in with his Blitzball, which was probably why Chappu thought Lulu would make a good shield.

"We broke up again last week," Lulu pointed out. "Remember?"

Wakka blinked. "Uh…so?"

"So…that means until you and I decide to make up—_if_ we make up, that is—that I'm free to date whoever I please, and you can date whoever you please. Right? We never agreed we had an exclusive relationship," Lulu explained carefully so her words would make it to Wakka's tiny, enraged brain.

"…Oh. I guess that makes sense…" Wakka said after a minute, still looking slightly miffed.

"Lulu said it was okay!" Chappu whimpered pathetically.

Wakka seemed to have calmed down now. "You guys coulda told me about this, you know…" he said, looking annoyed. "Then I wouldn'ta had to find out this way!"

"We didn't tell you at first because we were sure you would fly into a blind rage, like you almost did now," Lulu pointed out. "Well, that was Chappu's rationalization anyway. So I think our—_his_ worry was justified." Chappu crossed his arms and sulked at her.

"Uh, so, does this mean you aren't mad at us anymore?" the Tidus lookalike asked his brother anxiously.

"Mad? Of course I'm mad?!" Wakka yelled, grabbing Chappu and giving him a rather painful noogie. "You're dating my on-again off-again girlfriend without my permission, you little twerp of a brudda!"

"Ow! Ow! Can I please date your on-again off-again girlfriend while you two are broken up?!" Chappu screamed.

"Eh, sure," Wakka said, dropping Chappu unceremoniously to the ground. "Have fun, you two! And Lu, when Chappu starts getting on your nerves, you know where to find me!"

"Thankfully, I do," Lulu agreed, helping Chappu to his feet. "It was nice seeing you all. Goodbye." She led the slightly confused younger brother away.

"That went rather well," said a surprised Tidus. "I was half-expecting you to beat the crap out of him like that last guy who you thought was mistreating Lulu."

"Naw, Chappu's okay," Wakka said, leaning back with his hands behind his head. "He, Lu and I go waaaayyy back. I trust them."

"You didn't look like you trusted them a minute ago," Paine pointed out.

"You looked like you were going to rip their heads off! Well, your brother's, anyway," Rikku said.

"That's cause I'm a little hotheaded and rash, ya know?" Wakka justified.

Tidus raised an eyebrow. "A _little_?" Wakka scowled at him.

"Are you sure we should be leaving Chappu with a pod person?" Selphie asked in concern as they continued down the street.

"Yes dear, I'm sure it's fine," Yuna said kindly, patting Selphie's shoulder while everyone else rolled their eyes.

"You know, that brother of Wakka's looked a lot like Tidus…" Rikku pointed out.

"Oh, a lot of guys look like me," said Tidus. "Like Mr. Shuyin. Hey Mr. Shuyin!" he said, waving to a tall, blond man who looked exactly as Tidus would if he were an adult as they passed by. Mr. Shuyin waved back and continued on his way.

"And there's Mr. Hasagawa…and Mr. Kagura…and oh hey, there's Ms. Maga's kid Benny," Wakka said, pointing out all the people who looked eerily like Tidus at different ages of his lifespan.

"Inbreeding," Paine whispered to a disturbed Yuna. "I warned you."

"No, it's just part of the government program to create an army of Tidus clones to OVERRUN THE WORLD!" Selphie screamed at the top of her lungs. This only earned her weird looks from passing tourists or her friends, since everyone else in town was pretty much used to Selphie's insane outbursts by now.

…

_We're lost,_ Xehanort complained.

"We are not," Riku grunted.

_Are too._

"Are not."

_Too._

"Not."

_Too._

"Not."

_Too--Oh look, here comes a guard patrol._

"Not--Oh wait, there is." Riku cursed Xehanort angrily for getting him too distracted to catch the scent, and quickly leaped straight upward, spreading his arms out to catch himself and hang delicately in between the rafters over the hallway. A squad of Berserkers and Armored Knights walked by underneath him, glancing around to make sure nothing was out of place, before continuing on their way. Riku had suppressed his dark scent (one of many things he had learned how to do while he worked with DiZ) and so the Heartless and Nobody guards had not detected him. Yet. A very good thing too, since he seemed to be running right into patrol squads with every turn of the hallway.

He dropped back to the floor quietly once he had sniffed around and made sure no more guards were coming, and checked the map again. _It's useless,_ Xehanort complained. _Doesn't match up at all to the layout we've been wandering through for the last hour or two._

"Shut up," Riku grunted.

_I can shut up, but that doesn't change the fact that we're lost,_ Xehanort pointed out.

"Yes it does," Riku said firmly. "We're not lost." Privately, he thought they were, but he was not going to give Xehanort that victory.

_Yes we are,_ Xehanort retorted as they set off on a new heading after Riku scrutinized the completely useless map for a few more seconds.

"Are not," Riku replied automatically as they walked down a long moving staircase.

_Are too,_ Xehanort replied as they trekked through a long hallway filled with humming crystalline computer conduits.

"Are not," Riku said as they rode down an elevator in the castle's central shaft.

_Are too,_ Xehanort said as they rode back _up_ an elevator in a slightly different area of the same shaft.

"Not," muttered Riku as they crawled through a hallway full of oblivious guards by hiding underneath a conveniently placed cardboard box.

_Too,_ Xehanort countered as Riku wormed his way through a narrow ventilation shaft.

"Not," said Riku as he climbed up the exterior of the great castle, clinging tightly to whatever handholds he could find or make to keep from being knocked off by the strong winds.

_Too,_ said Xehanort as they emerged from a toilet in a bathroom somewhere in the castle. (Why did Heartless or Nobodies need bathrooms?)

"Not," said Riku as they hopped across platforms in a lake of molten lava, dodging arrows and swinging pendulums.

_Too_, argued Xehanort as they walked across the set of the strange sitcom they had seen earlier during a live shooting, confusing the actors and producers but earning Riku immortality as a slavish fanclub centered around him quickly popped up among the show's viewers, even though he had been there in a 'walk-on' role and his presence never went explained.

"Not," Riku said stubbornly as he swung across a great chasm on a conveniently-placed rope.

_Too,_ said Xehanort as they walked down a hallway, through a pair of very large open doors, and found themselves in a rather tall chamber with a spiky throne across from them, currently occupied by Maleficent, sipping a cup of tea as her crow Diablo shifted his feet on her shoulder.

"It looks like you're lost, dear boy," she said with what sounded almost like compassion.

"Am not," Riku said reflexively.

_Are too,_ interjected Xehanort. _And while you're here, tell Maleficent that she looks ravishing, I'm madly in love with her, and she must under no circumstances marry Pete!_

"Poor thing, you really have lost your way, haven't you?" Maleficent said sympathetically. "Too blinded by the light to see in the dark…"

"I can see just fine in the dark…and smell in it, too," Riku growled, summoning his Keyblade even though he couldn't really use it at the moment.

"You may be able to now…" Maleficent crooned. "But if you walk too long in the light, you will lose your perspective, and cannot catch yourself if you should fall."

"I don't need to catch myself as long as I know I can count on my friends, who walk alongside me," Riku said confidently. "As long as I have them, they'll never let me fall. And I have no fear of going blind…I walk neither the path of darkest night or brightest day but the way in between…the way to the dawn. As long as I walk that road, I have everything I need."

_Will you stop with the metaphors and thinly veiled spirituality and get on with it already?!_ Xehanort snapped. _It only sounds good when I do it!_

"Quiet," Riku growled.

Maleficent smirked and took a sip of her tea. "It seems as if your alter ego is giving you some difficulty."

"You have no idea," he grumbled.

"You know," she said, eyes glittering evilly. "I could…take him off your mind for you, and allow you to breathe freely without a jabbering nuisance whispering sweet promises to you in every moment."

_Do it!_ Xehanort cried. _So that I may be free of your skinny frame and take my rightful place by her side as ruler of the universe! And hey, who's she calling a jabbering nuisance?!_

"No thanks," Riku said warily, taking a step back from Maleficent. "I'd rather have him trapped in here than leave him with you. At least as long as he's inside me I know where he is and can make sure he causes no harm."

"Ah, poor Riku…poor, foolish, self-sacrificing Riku…" Maleficent said pityingly, shaking her head. "Playing the hero out of guilt for your actions, willing to torture yourself because you believe you deserve it for betraying your friends and giving in to darkness. You cut such a tragic figure, my poor boy." She grinned evilly. "Or is it perhaps out of a sense of inadequacy? An attempt to measure up to your friend Sora and prove you're every bit the hero he is?"

Riku rolled his eyes. "If you're trying to make me get all angsty, I'm sorry to say I'm over it. I joined a support group (Overly Angsty Teens Anonymous) when I got back to the Islands and I'm well on my way to recovery."

"Oh," said Maleficent in disappointment. She frowned. "Well, there goes that idea."

"And I suppose next you were going to use my shame or play on my doubts to convince me to join the dark side again, right?" Riku said with a smirk. He tapped his forehead. "Trust me, there's nothing you can say that can convince me. This guy's been at it bothering me 24-7 to give in, and no matter how enticing an offer you make I'd _still_ reject it, just to spite him."

_Do you hate me so, Riku?_ Asked a hurt Xehanort.

"Yes."

_That was a rhetorical question,_ Xehanort snapped.

Maleficent leaned back in her throne, raising her teacup so Diablo could sip from it, looking surprisingly nonchalant. "Well, to be honest, your response was not unexpected."

Riku blinked. "Wait, it wasn't?"

_It wasn't?_ asked a confused Xehanort.

"Yes, so I took certain measures beforehand just in case you refused me. It's a good thing I did, too. Oh Nosimono!" the witch cried. "Come here please, I want you to meet the person you're replacing in my evil plans!"

A dark portal appeared, and out of it stepped…Riku?! He looked and smelled exactly like the teen, except this Riku was clad in the familiar dark blue with empty Heartless emblem outfit of Dark Mode, carried the old Soul Eater blade rather than a Keyblade, and had a disturbingly cheerful sunny and energetic look on his face which seemed to light up the whole room when he smiled. "What is it, Mom? Oh, it's you!" He grinned happily and waved at Riku. "Hi, Real Thing! I'm your replica, but you can call me Nosimono!"

Riku's jaw dropped, as would Xehanort's if he had a jaw. "No. Fucking. Way."

_Didn't you kill him?!_ Cried the disbelieving Xehanort.

"Didn't I kill you?!" Riku shouted.

"You did," the grinning Riku clone said. "My big brother, anyway. But Vexen made _two_ clones of you, and kept one in storage just in case!" He pouted. "He cloned himself too, but something went wrong with the duplication process and the replica ended up only able to speak redneck and belt out bluegrass lyrics, so Uncle Zexion put him out of his misery. And nobody (figuratively or literally speaking) could figure out Papa Vexen's notes, so we couldn't make another clone of him. (Wouldn't have been able to anyway, since we didn't have any of his Nobody DNA left.)" He grinned again. "But that's okay, because I'm here now! Boy, I've always wanted to meet you, Real Thing! I've always wondered what my Big Brother was like."

"Brother? BROTHER?!" Riku screamed, backing away. "No fucking way! I'm not your brother! By all rights, you shouldn't even exist! I can't believe that freak made ANOTHER one of you copies!"

Nosimono pouted again. "What's wrong? Don't you like me? I-I thought we could be friends." He bit his lip and started to tear up.

"No, no, he doesn't hate you, he's just in shock from your sudden appearance," Maleficent tutted, getting out of her seat and leaving her teacup behind to be taken away by a Creeper servitor. "I'm sure once he's calmed down he'll be more than happy to be your friend."

"Yay!" Nosimono cheered, hopping up and down with joy. "And then I can have a real brother, since I never got to meet my other one!"

"That's right, dear," Maleficent said, putting a hand on the clone's shoulder. "But that will have to wait, Mommy needs to greet her other guests and you need to get back to training. You won't get a Keyblade of your own by just goofing off, now will you?"

"Nope, no way! Big Brother didn't get his by goofing off, did you bro?" Nosimono asked Riku cheerfully.

"Uh…no…" said a rather dazed Riku.

"Then I'll work hard to get mine, too! Since I'm your clone and have all your powers, and you have a Keyblade, that means I've got to get one of my own eventually too, right?" He smiled and nodded. "Well, like Mom said, I've got to get back to training, so bye! It was great to meet you at long last!" He opened a dark portal and vanished through it.

Maleficent shook her head in mock sadness. "Such a pity you turned me down, Riku. Nosimono could have used an older and more experienced brother, and I'm sure you would have found me a much more accepting mother than that ungrateful wench pretending to be yours back on the Islands. Oh well, I see you've made your choice, and wish you happiness with it. No wait, actually I don't, I wish you nothing less than pure despair." She cackled evilly, and her crow did as well, and then both vanished in a burst of green and black fire, briefly heating up the room and filling the air with the burning scent of brimstone and cinnamon.

"I…I don't believe it…" said an incredulous Riku. "She...she _replaced_ me?!"

_Now you know how I feel,_ sobbed Xehanort. _Maleficent! Why couldn't you take me with yoooouuuu?!_

…

The sextet continued on their way through the residential area, seeing the sights and being either amused or annoyed by Selphie's psychosis and Paine's negativity, until they got hungry and decided to stop by Tidus' house for some lunch. (Sure, the fairies could have conjured up some food, but nobody trusted Rikku to do it, Yuna wanted to try genuine island cuisine, and Paine was unable to summon food that wasn't completely vegan.) The girls (well, Yuna and Rikku anyway) were also interested in meeting Tidus' father Jecht, the island's star Blitzball player, who according to the many tourists and fans outside the blitzball stadium and Wakka's vast collection of sports trivia was possibly the best player from the islands in over a hundred years, and had brought the world championship Crystal Cup home at least five times. Tidus wasn't nearly so enthusiastic to introduce his new friends to his dad, since he and his father's relationship was…complicated, to say the least. But he just couldn't say no to Yuna, and so it was to his home they went.

Fortunately for Tidus, his father wasn't there. In fact, someone much more welcome was. "Hey, Uncle Auron!" Tidus cried in surprise, breaking off from his friends and rushing over to the man sitting on the front porch of his house, drinking from a jug labeled NOG attached to his side. The man was dressed in a long red cloak or jacket with a large brown and brass shoulder pad on the left shoulder decorated with interesting patterns as well as some dangling beads. His left sleeve hung loose and empty, for his left arm was sticking out of the front of his jacket, hanging gingerly in a sling, though it seemed to have no problem holding his jug up to his lips. His face was clean-shaven and somewhat handsome, between young and middle-aged, with spiky short-cropped dark hair, though his right eye was squeezed shut with a large scar cutting through it, suggesting it was blind. A very large nodachi sword was held in his right hand and resting over his shoulder, so that he might use it at a moment's notice.

The man finished drinking from his jug, set it down, and wiped off his mouth with his sleeve as Tidus came up to him. "Ah, Tidus. I was hoping to see you today."

"Whoa, cool! Tidus' Uncle Auron is back!" Wakka said enthusiastically.

"And…who exactly is this uncle Auron?" Paine asked.

"He's not really Tidus' uncle…_or so he says…_just a very old friend of Tidus' dad. _Or so they say…_" Selphie said ominously, to which they ignored her.

"He comes around rather infrequently, but we all look forward to seeing him, ya," Wakka explained. "He's the kind of guy who never stays in one place for too long. He's always got the coolest stories of places he's been and people he's met, though we don't really know how much of it can be believed…he usually brings pretty sweet gifts, though. He once gave me this really weird-shaped object called a 'football' that he claimed was used to play a pretty popular sport somewhere far, far away. But it wasn't even a ball, just this oval-shaped thing with stitches! How can you play ball with that? And unless you kicked it just right, I doubt it would move very fast underwater…it's not exactly hydrodynamic…"

"Actually, I think I've heard of a sport like that," Yuna mused as they walked over to meet Auron. "How very strange…"

"Where've you been, Auron? It's been over a year and a half since you last stopped by! We kinda missed you around here, you know?" Tidus half-joked.

"I was…preoccupied elsewhere," Auron said enigmatically. "It's good to see you again. And you too, Wakka and Selphie and…" The one-eyed man trailed off as he noticed the three girls, his posture stiffening significantly.

"Oh yeah, these are our new friends Yuna, Rikku and Paine," Tidus introduced the girls to his 'uncle.' Each of the girls said 'hi' except Paine, who had a suspicious look on her face. "Uncle Auron?" The man still seemed to be in shock.

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "Tidus' Uncle Auron had his brain snatched by the same invisible aliens that attacked Tidus earlier! ANY ONE OF US MIGHT BE NEXT!" She ran off screaming at the top of her lungs. Nobody missed her.

"Are you all right?" Yuna asked in concern.

"I…I'm fine," Auron said after a moment, shaking himself out of it. "You three just…remind me of some people I once knew. It is nice to meet you as well. I wonder if our paths will cross again in the future…" He shook their hands, though Paine once more seemed reluctant and suspicious to do so.

"It's nice to meet you too," Yuna said politely.

"Yeah! So, do you know where Tidus' dad Jecht is? We were kinda hoping to see him…" Rikku said.

"I'm afraid you just missed him. He and the other Crusaders headed out on a mission," Auron said.

This immediately got Tidus and Wakka's attention and concern. "What kind of mission is it? Is there a monster near here?" Tidus asked anxiously.

"Or is it…the black aliens?!" asked an equally worried Wakka.

When the world had come back after…whatever the black aliens had done to it, almost everything had been as it was before…but almost wasn't good enough. There were still several thousand people worldwide who had gone missing, and weren't likely to ever return. Selphie claimed the aliens had abducted them and left everyone else because they weren't worthy test subjects, and that actually seemed plausible enough to be true. The return of Sora and Riku from their long absence, as well as Kairi coming back from her brief disappearance, had increased some people's hopes that they'd see their loved ones again, but…the returned trio didn't seem very confident in that happening.

Additionally, some of the wildlife had been mutated by whatever the aliens had done to the world into horrible monsters which occasionally attacked populated areas and created much havoc and chaos. To combat these monsters, as well as to guard against the aliens should they ever decide to invade again, people from all over the world came together under the heroic Lord Mi'ihen to form a sort of global defense team calling themselves the Crusaders, with chapters in every major village or city in the world. Tidus had actually been impressed when his old man had signed up to join the local group of Crusaders, though he wasn't sure if he had done it because he felt obligated to protect his family or he just wanted more fame under his belt. Kairi, Riku and Sora had been very supportive of the formation of the Crusaders…and now that Tidus was aware that their wild stories of where they had been in recent times were completely true, that all made a lot more sense now.

"It's just a monster," Auron reassured them. "Admittedly, a rather big one. They're calling it 'Lord Ochu, ruler of the forest', or some such thing. Supposed to be some kind of giant plant."

"Why does that sound oddly familiar?" Yuna wondered with a frown.

"Um, I think because I kind of accidentally turned that one flower of yours into a giant plant monster when we were younger?" Rikku whispered.

"Oh yeah, I remember now…" Yuna said. Paine rolled her eyes.

"Will they be okay?" Tidus asked, trying not to sound overly concerned for his father's safety. Which he wasn't. Really.

"They'll be fine," Auron reassured them. "Jecht's improved his swordplay a lot since I've last been here. Perhaps because he feels he has something worth fighting for…" Tidus made a face as if to say he didn't think that very likely.

"Why didn't you go with them, Auron? You're pretty handy with that sword of yours, I bet you would be a big help," Wakka suggested.

"Yes, well, I might be," said Auron. "But…I'm not a Crusader. Just a civilian. So I had to stay behind." He made a wry smile. "I don't mind so much, personally. I've had enough of fighting for a while and could use a break to just sit in the shade and watch the world pass me by…plus, Tidus' mother makes excellent tea." He paused. "Oh yes, speaking of mothers…Tidus, Ms. Hikari has been asking around for the whereabouts of her son. She was apparently expecting him home a little while ago. He's probably just spending time with his friends, but apparently Sora disappeared along with a number of other people while I was…away, and although he and his friend Riku have returned, his mother is naturally worried that he might suddenly vanish again. I don't suppose you've seen him recently?"

"Uh…" Tidus and Wakka fidgeted, while Yuna, Rikku, and Paine looked surprised to hear the name of a certain Keyblade master. "Um…yyyyyeeaaah, we saw him recently."

"Then you should probably go tell Ms. Hikari and alleviate her fears. She looked rather panicked when she last came by. I think she was even thinking of trekking after the Crusaders to help her find Sora. She didn't seem particularly bothered when I told her they were out hunting a dangerous monster," Auron told them.

Wakka groaned. "Knowing Ms. Hikari, she'd probably kill the monster herself just to keep the Crusaders from having an excuse not to help her…" Rikku whistled, impressed, and Paine raised an eyebrow in interest.

Tidus nodded. "Yeah, we'd better go stop her…thanks Auron. Oh, by the way, speaking of Sora…" The boy frowned. "Now that I think of it, Sora mentioned meeting a guy who looked just like you and even had the same name in some place called the Underworld on another world far away from here…but he didn't seem to recognize you. That couldn't possibly have been you there, could it?"

"…" Auron said nothing for a moment. "That's…a story for another day." He stood up suddenly.

"Hey, you can't just leave us hanging like that!" Tidus protested as Auron quickly crossed the porch and opened the front door.

"Apparently, he can," Rikku said as Auron entered the house and closed the door behind him.

Paine frowned. "There's something funny about that guy..."

"Should we go after him?" Yuna asked.

Wakka shook his head. "No, we'd better go see Sora's mom before she gets somebody into trouble…hey Selphie! We're leaving, come on!"

Selphie stopped running and screaming in her tracks. "Okay." She joined them, and the six headed off to Sora's house.

…

And speaking of the legendary Keyblade master…

"I think we're lost," Sora said, scratching his head in confusion and staring blankly at his map.

_No duh,_ Roxas grunted.

Sora and Roxas were, obviously, lost. This wasn't really that big a surprise though, neither of them had ever been that good at navigation. Donald had always handled the maps around Sora, and Axel had done the same with Roxas, since both boys had the tendency to get lost for hours wherever they were left on their own. They would have probably gotten lost even if Maleficent hadn't restructured her castle to make things more complicated for them.

Sora looked up from the map and glanced at the twenty identical dark thorn-choked hallways spreading out from the darkened intersection he was standing in the middle of, right on top of a giant Heartless emblem done in metal and glowing wire on the floor. He didn't even know which hallway he had entered from, they all looked so similar. "Should we just stop and go back to the room? I don't think this is getting us anywhere. We haven't found anything that looks even remotely like a control area. We haven't even found a bathroom…which is bad, since I _really_ need to go." He shifted from foot to foot anxiously. "And there's one back at the room, so…"

_I'm not ready to quit just yet,_ Roxas said stubbornly. _Come on, just a little further._

"But what about-"

_If we don't find a bathroom, you can just go in the hallway and let the janitors clean it up. I did plenty of times back when I was with the Organization._

"…"

_What? There weren't that many bathrooms in the castle! And not all of them were exactly safe, either!_

"Couldn't you have just portalled to the ones that were?"

…_Uh…_

Sora sighed in annoyance at his brother and took out his Keyblade. "Okay," he said to it. "You've got all kinds of mystical powers in you. Let's see if you can't guide me to a bathroom or somewhere more interesting." He closed his eyes, held the giant key straight out in front of him, and began spinning around and around and around, planning to take whichever hallway the key was pointing at when he stopped spinning.

Unfortunately, his comically large shoes skidded on the immaculately polished floor and caushed Sora to trip and lose his balance, causing him to lose hold on the Keyblade as he fell on his face and sent it flying through the air, where it imbedded itself deeply in the keystone of the archway over one of the many hallways, sending deep fissures through it and making the thorns nearby rustle agitatedly. Sora grunted, pulled himself back up, and recalled his Keyblade to his hand. "Well, I guess that works as well as anything else," he said, looking at the hallway his Keyblade had chosen for him.

_Don't fret, that happened to me all the time too when I was trying to decide which way to go,_ Roxas assured Sora. _Let's go._

They did. And as luck would have it, they soon found a bathroom. Several of them, actually. The only problem was…

"Which of these is the men's room?!" asked a frustrated Sora, scratching his head as he stared at the two wrought-iron doors set into the wall, one of which had the Heartless emblem instead of a stylized man or woman, and the other had a Nobody emblem, once more instead of a man or a woman. However, each of those emblems were in turn stylized to vaguely resemble a person or creature, but there was no way to tell the gender of either symbol.

_I don't think gender has anything to do with it. They're different-species bathrooms,_ Roxas assumed as a couple of Shadows pushed open the Heartless door and a few Dusks slithered out from under the Nobody door. _I'm not even sure if Heartless or Nobodies can be divided into male or female, and if they can be I don't think they particularly care about keeping certain things private._

"I didn't even know they needed bathrooms. I mean, it's not like they eat anything...other than hearts. Do they even have stomachs?!"

_Well…all I know is, _something_ came out of us later every time we had a big meal._

"Ugh." Sora grimaced and looked back and forth between the two doors. "Out in the hallway is looking more appealing by the minute." He sighed. "Well, might as well give it a shot first…" Uncertain what he would find inside, Sora followed a couple of Soldiers into the Heartless bathroom.

Moments later, he rushed back out, using his Keyblade to deflect thrown bars of soap and toilet paper rolls (at least, he _hoped_ they were toilet paper rolls) and other strange objects he had never seen before away from his face. "Sorry!" he yelled as the door swung shut behind him. "Wrong room!" He considered using his Keyblade to seal the door shut, but didn't think that would really accomplish anything. "Okay, guess we should see what's behind door number two."

_And if there's nothing there, we can just take whatever's behind the curtain,_ Roxas joked.

So, Sora cautiously opened the door and entered the Nobody bathroom. Moments later, he was sent hurtling out of there as well, deflecting objects thrown at him by the irate Nobodies. "Okay, okay, I get it! Sorry!" he yelled at the occupants as the door closed.

_Let me try,_ Roxas suggested. _As a Nobody, I shouldn't have a problem getting in. And once we're inside, we can swap in a stall and you can go, as long as it's fast._

Sora nodded. "All right." In a flash of light, he and Roxas switched places…

And the door to the Nobody restroom burst open and a swarm of Dusks, Creepers, and a Samurai or too rushed out, crying, _My liege! My liege! My liege!_

_My liege!_ _My liege! _More Nobodies yelled as they portalled in.

_My liege! My liege! My liege!_ Soon Roxas was surrounded by eager Nobodies who danced around him and on the ceiling.

"Argh, not again!" Roxas yelled, swapping with Sora again quickly before he could be dogpiled like the last time. The Nobodies looked around in confusion when Sora replaced Roxas, and left in disappointment. Or an approximation of it, since they were Nobodies and, well, you know.

"Well, that could have gone better," Sora said sarcastically. "And I _still_ need to go!"

"Go where?" a familiar voice asked.

Sora yelped and whirled around to find Pete standing behind him. "Ack! Pete! What are you doing here?"

The cat-thing frowned. He had forsaken his usual armor for a large and ill-fitting tuxedo and dinner jacket with a clip-on bowtie and a plastic corsage. His hair was slicked back by grease and he reeked of some horribly cheap cologne. "It's my castle. Er, sorta. Whatcha up to, brat? Your little friends dump you or somethin'?" He leered at Sora.

"No," Sora said angrily. "We just wanted to take a look around. And…" He glanced at the bathroom doors.

Pete understood at once. "Oh, I see. Need to go, huh?" He laughed heartily and whacked Sora on the back, almost knocking him to the ground. "Ah, that's rich. You wouldn't believe the number of times I went into the wrong room too! The one yer' lookin' for is that door over there," he said, pointing to a third iron door that neither Sora or Roxas had noticed before with a spiky circle with a barbed X going through it.

"Oh…thanks!" Sora said in relief, running for the door.

_How'd we miss this before?_ Roxas wondered as they entered the restroom.

When Sora was finished, he found Pete was still waiting for him out in the hallway. "Well, if yer' done lollygagging around, we gotta go!" Pete said, turning and walking away. "Maleficent wants ya to meet her guests! And boy, do we have a lotta them!"

"Oh yeah…hey! King Mickey and the others will be there too, right?" Sora asked hopefully as he followed Pete down the hallway.

Pete frowned. "Hm? Oh yeah, they're here too…and a buncha yer' other pals, I suppose, and some other big important world rulers. Heheh, you shoulda seen the looks on their faces when they stepped out of the Gummi ships or portals we gave em' and got their first look at this new world! They looked as if they were gonna drop dead from shock! (Well, except that one skeleton guy and his buddies, cuz they were already dead…) Ha, one of the oldest geezers almost did, had a heart attack, good thing the Truce and Maleficent kept the Heartless from doing anything…ho boy, I think most of those losers have never seen another world before!" He laughed again. Sora frowned, for he didn't particularly find it funny. "Hey, speaking of which, do yer buddies from all over know you're from another world too?"

Sora paused. He flinched and gritted his teeth. "Oh no…" He just remembered that most of them, in fact, did not. To maintain the world order of the time, he had told them he was just from 'somewhere else' and left it at that, only going into vague details about the Islands if questioned too hard, but never mentioning (unless it was unavoidable) that he wasn't from their world. And now that so many of his friends had been invited here and would meet each other, they would quickly realize they had a common friend…and begin to wonder just who exactly he really was…

Pete chortled again when he saw Sora's face. "Hoho, this is gonna be one hell of a reunion!"

"Yeah…" Sora said faintly. "You can say that again."

_Want me to portal us out of here?_ Roxas asked.

Sora sighed. "No…might as well get this over with now rather than later."

"Who you talking to?" Pete asked with a frown.

"The voice in my head."

"Oh right, I forgot about him…" They continued walking a short distance, until they came to a large set of double doors with embossed thorns on them. "Welp, here we are!" Pete pushed the doors open to reveal…

A very large chamber with a high, domed roof covered in twisted vines and power conduits, with several very bright crystal orbs dangling from the ceiling to provide light. Three of the walls were lined with railings and mirrors to make the room seem even larger than it already was, and the back wall was lined with tall glass windows and doors overlooking a wide balcony gazing out at the city below. Some guests were out there, taking in the view, getting a breath of fresh air, or making out with each other. There were various tables set with refreshments and beverages for the hundred or more guests milling about the floor, chatting amicably or glaring daggers at each other. The majority of the guests Sora could see were clearly evil; there were monsters, evil kings and queens, various sorcerers, wizards and witches, aliens, demons, robots, crime lords, corrupt politicians and religious leaders, and greedy businessmen. There were also a number of lesser-seeming creatures, probably the minions and lackeys of the higher-ranked villains, running about here and there to fetch their masters drinks or snacks from the refreshment tables. Said tables were manned by Dusks and Neoshadows in immaculate white tuxedos and bowties, with more food and drink portalled in from the castle kitchens by the minute, carried on platters by Creeper servers or a new species of Heartless Sora had never seen before. They looked like short green lizards in brown robes with the Heartless emblem stamped on the front and a stumpy tail, stubby arms and feet, and comically large yellow eyes dominating their small heads. They also wore the typical white chef's hat, and fended off any hungry guest who wanted to swipe food from them by bringing out a tiny butter knife, the sight of which terrified the guests so much they cowered in fear and tripped over themselves trying to get away. _Those are Tonberries,_ Roxas recognized at once. _A very dangerous species of Heartless. They don't look like much and they're pretty slow, but they're very resilient and they can do things with that knife that you can't possibly imagine. Axel and I unleashed some Tonberries on this town called Silent Hill once (Not sure why he insisted on making all of them wear pyramid-shaped helmets), and…well, let's just say that the people who came after were never able to clean up the blood staining the streets and just about every inch of every building, inside and out._

"…Why did you do that?!"

_I was evil, duh. Did lots of other stuff that was just as bad if not worse, anyway._ Sora's eyes bugged out at that. _But anyway, Tonberries are horrific killers, but they're also gourmet-rank chefs. We lobbied Xemnas constantly to get Tonberry chefs for the kitchen so we didn't have to go through the horror that was everyone else's pathetic and nearly lethal attempts to cook, but Xemnas pointed out the last time he had tried that our Nobody minions were killed by the Tonberries by the dozens to make our meals, and they also murdered a number of former members of the Organization. Like one of Marluxia's many predecessor, for one thing. (We always had such a high death and turnover rate among the lower seven, and Axel joining and getting drunk now and then didn't help)…And besides, when we did try to smuggle a Tonberry in anyway, Larxene got into a competition with it to see who could cause the greatest amount of suffering and torture, and that wasn't pleasant for anyone, let me tell you. (Especially when she _lost

"Hey. Hey! I'm talking to you!" Pete snapped, shoving Sora.

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Sora apologized. "I was just talking to the voice in my head again."

"For that long?" grunted a doubtful Pete. "I think there are pills you can take for that or somethin'. So anyway, what do you think?"

Sora stared out at the ridiculous number of criminals, dark lords, evil magicians, and monsters gathered in the room, many of whom had now taken notice of him and were giving him very wicked looks. "I can honestly say I'm very glad there's a Truce on right now. Can you take me to see my friends now?"

"Not yet, Maleficent wanted ta introduce you to _her_ friends first, heheheh. Come on." Pete led the reluctant Sora across the great hall's floor, rudely shoving people out of the way and loudly saying, "'Scuse me, coming through, Groom here, outta my way, move it or lose it!"

Now_ can we portal out of here?!_ Roxas asked.

"They'd probably just send someone to drag us back," Sora said uneasily. "And besides, I need to see King Mickey if he's here, and everyone else too. I…probably have a lot of explaining to do…"

Soon enough, they found Maleficent, who was standing by a table where servers were pouring out drinks and laying out various disgusting-looking dishes while discussing evil plans with a number of other interested villains. "Ah, Keybearer," the evil fairy said, looking pleased when Pete pushed Sora before her. "I was wondering when you'd get here. I'd like you to meet some of the core members of my new Dark Circle, the allies with which I intend to bring darkness to all worlds. Dear comrades, this is the boy I was talking about, Sora, who is one of the largest roadblocks to universal domination. We will have to deal away with him as soon as possible. Sora, allow me to introduce you to my friends. Some of them you may remember quite well."

Sora did indeed. "Oogie Boogie?!" he cried in disbelief, seeing a familiar glowing sack of wiggling insects and crawling things. "Didn't I kill you?! Twice?!"

"Heheheheheh. Yes and no," the bag of filth said as he stuffed more bugs down his throat from a bowl full of worms and insects on the table. "Y'see kid, the thing is that I'm what they call a co-llec-tive consciousness." A snake darted out of his mouth for a moment to hiss and accentuate the 's's at the end of consciousness.

"A what?" said the confused Sora.

"It means I don't have one brain, but tons!" Oogie explained proudly, his belly writhing with the grotesque things slithering over each other in there. "Every little thing inside me's got a bit of me in it! When those little bits get together, they form Oogie! When scattered, like if some rotten brat rips open my sack with a giant key, they run around in confusion a while and eventually come back together to give me life again. Next time you want to kill Oogie Boogie, you'd better make sure to kill _all_ of me, because if even one teeny weeny itsy bitsy tiny little bug gets away, it can eventually infect enough other bugs to become Oogie again!"

"Oh, okay. I'll make sure to bring bug killer next time," Sora decided.

"You do that," said Oogie, shoving the rest of the bugs in the bowl into his mouth and denying a number of hungry monsters and insectivorous minions any.

"You'll have to do better than bug killer to stop me from keelhauling you next time we meet, boy," another villain spat at Sora with unbelievable bile and venom in his voice. "When no Truce is protecting you!"

It took Sora a moment to recognize the figure. "No way! Captain Hook! What happened to you?!"

Indeed, the once proud and somewhat handsome Captain Hook was almost completely unrecognizable. While he still wore his red jacket and hat, both were somewhat worn and tattered, and the majority of his body had been replaced with machinery. Both his hands were hooks now, but transformed into rather large metal fists which were clenching so hard they were pressing dents into themselves, attached to robotic arms which hissed as their pneumatic muscles flexed to accommodate Hook's motions and tension, letting off exhaust from vents and ports on his body. Most of his chest was mechanical as well now, with only a little bit of the original torso, conveniently enough where his heart was, still remaining. The rest was metal and had a plexiglass cover over the abdomen showing the whirring gears and machinery that had replaced his stomach. His legs were built similarly to his arms, with pneumatic pumps and muscles and hinges, but ended in oddly shiny black boots much like the kind Hook had worn the last time Sora had seen him. The pirate's head hadn't escaped whatever horrible accident had destroyed most of his body, as the left side of his face and the lower part of the right were now replaced by a large almost monocle-like eye which telescoped out to get a better look at Sora, a metal spike in place of the left side of his finely trimmed mustache, and a mouth full of rather sharp metal teeth which were grinding against each other and making a screeching noise as Hook glared hatefully at the Keybearer. His right eye, ear, and nose were still fine, though, as was most of his neck and the back of his head. "What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?! _YOU FED ME TO A CROCODILE YOU LITTLE BRAT, WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?!"_

"Oh! Uh…well…" Sora gave the Captain an uneasy grin. "I…I didn't think it'd actually _eat_ you…"

Hook leaned in angrily, filling Sora's vision with his face and making the air smell of oil and metal. _"IT'S A BLOODY CROCODILE! A BLOODY FLESH-EATING RAVENOUS CROCODILE THAT'S LUSTED AFTER ME FOR YEARS EVER SINCE IT TOOK MY HAND! WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T IT EAT ME?!_" Vents in the back of his head let out steam generated by his anger overheating the mechanisms holding his body together.

_Nice going,_ _dumbass,_ Roxas commented.

"I, uh…kind of assumed you'd get away…" Sora said, swallowing down a deep feeling of guilt.

"Oh." Hook leaned back, looking very frustrated and annoyed. "Well, I think it's obvious I DIDN'T, now did I?!"

"Sorry?" Sora apologized anxiously.

"Not as sorry as you're going to be when I test out some of my new attachments on you," Hook promised, his robotic hands undergoing some more transformations, showing off buzzsaws, laser cutters, plasma blades, blowtorches, chainsaws, and a number of other nasty implements to the poor boy. "I think I'll start by gutting you like a fish, followed by skinning you alive…I can use your hide as a rug for my quarters in the new ship I've been given."

"A humanskin rug?" Another villain, an older woman with hair that was half black and half white and a large fluffy white and black-spotted fur coat shook her head and took a deep drag off of her cigarette, blowing the smoke into Hook's face and fogging up his telescopic eye. The pirate cursed and turned on a miniature windshield wiper attachment to clean it off. "Darling, that's so _gauche._ Gorrilaskins are more in season at the moment." The woman took another drag from her cigarette, shook the ashes into a bowl of blood (Favorite drink for vampires and Heartless, among other kinds of undead) and gave a long, bored look at Sora. "Child, who picked out your wardrobe?"

Sora blinked and looked down at his magic clothes. "Uh, three fairies?"

_Or our mom,_ Roxas added.

"Ah, that explains it," the woman said with a nod. "Fairies _do_ have the worst fashion sense."

Maleficent bristled. "Excuse me?!"

"No offense darling, but black is _so_ last week. Didn't you know that brown and polka dots are the in thing now?" the woman asked, indicating her long dress, which was in fact brown and spotted with numerous gaudily colored polka dots. Pete snickered, as did Oogie and one or two other members of the Dark Circle, until Maleficent shot warning glares at all of them.

"And you are…" Sora said, not liking this woman already.

"Cruella DeVille," she said, blowing smoke in his face. "Fashion magnate, trend-setter, and former model."

Sora coughed and waved the smoke away. "Ah. Uh, nice to meet you."

_Not,_ both he and Roxas thought.

"Why'd you invite some ugly ex-model again?" Pete whispered (loudly) to Maleficent.

"Are you kidding me? Fashion is one of the cruelest and evilest businesses there is. Plus, she skinned ninety-nine adorable Dalmatian puppies to make her latest line of clothing. How could I _not_ let someone that evil join?" Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Even if she _does_ constantly mock my fashion sense."

"You know darling, I think if you lost those horns and grew some hair we could really bring out the color of your eyes," Cruella told the witch. Said witch's eye twitched and she entertained herself with thoughts of gouging Cruella through the face with said horns.

"Hey, Keyboy! Good to see you again, sport!" said another familiar villain, a towering blue-skinned man with a long chin, sharp yellow fangs, and a black cloak whose bottom swirled in clouds of smoke as he slid over. He also had blue flames for hair. He grabbed Sora's hand and shook it a little too hard. "I never got to congratulate you for whupping me in that tournament…so many fucking times…" His flame hair started spurting, his hand started crushing Sora's, and his skin began turning a dangerous red. "But hey, I'm all over that!" he said with a very, very tight grin as his skin went back to plain blue again. "Easy come, easy go, you know? So, why don't you come on down to the Underworld for my next tournament and I can pay you back. In blood! Or hopefully, excruciating pain."

"Uh, thanks Hades, but I think I'll decline," Sora said nervously. "I don't think my mom would like it if I ran off to some dark, dank Underworld where I could catch a cold or lose my soul or something."

The god of the dead gritted his teeth. "Your loss. More like mine really, but hey, whatever."

_A new tournament? That kind of sounds like fun,_ Roxas commented. Sora did not reply, because now probably wasn't the time to talk to a voice in his head. It was never a good idea to show signs of possible insanity in front of a group of supervillains.

"So, I see Ursula isn't here," Sora said, quickly changing the subject as he glanced at the other unfamiliar faces. "Since Oogie, Hades and Hook are here, I was half-expecting her to miraculously return somehow…maybe Jafar, too."

"Oh, she did," Maleficent said. "Jafar, too."

Sora blinked. "They did?"

"Yup," said Pete. "But Jafar's stuck in his lamp, and Ursula couldn't come."

"Why not?"

"Because I ate her," said another one of the Dark Circle calmly, a very large, almost obese shark with a humanoid upper body and arms, wearing a purple toga, a few rings, and a bald but very intelligent-looking head floating in a large bubble of water magically suspended off the ground. A Heartless server tossed some dead fish into the bubble, which the shark savagely and gruesomely devoured, gnashing it to pieces with his huge serrated fangs and filling the bubble with clouds of blood until a Dusk server drained it out.

Sora swallowed and looked at the shark's belly and mouth and decided that yes, even the enormous Ursula could probably have been devoured by such a fish. As could he, for that matter. "Uh, thanks, I guess. For, um, saving me the trouble of having to kill her…again…"

The shark grinned, showing off his many, many serrated teeth. "You're very welcome. Emperor Shaga of the Sharkanians and enemy of Atlantica, at your service. It's a pleasure to eat you, Keybearer."

"D-don't you mean 'meet' me?" Sora asked anxiously.

Shaga's grin grew wider. "No." Sora began to sweat, which he was sure was only arousing Shaga more, since he was pretty sure sharks could smell fear (or was that dogs?). He made a mental note not to go near Atlantica anytime soon, a sentiment Roxas echoed, though it was more out of distaste for singing than fear of sharks. Maybe he should stock up on shark repellent though, just in case…

"And, uh, who else do we have here?" Sora asked Maleficent so he would no longer have to look into Shaga's cold, almost dead, eyes.

"I'm glad you asked. This fine gentleman over here is Vayne Solidor, ruler of the Archadian empire," Maleficent said, gesturing to a young man with long dark hair and rich clothes talking to thin air…or rather a large gray transparent ghoulish thing floating in thin air with small yellow eyes staring out from a dark recessed space. "And his 'spiritual advisor', Venat of the Occuria."

"Guess you're not the only one who talks to voices in his head, huh kid?" Pete whispered to Sora, elbowing the boy in the side.

"Greetings," Vayne said, nodding to Sora and raising a wineglass. "I take it you are the one who opposes us?" He smiled faintly. "You and I aren't so different, you know. I also struggled hard to liberate my world of Ivalice from those who would subjugate it and put the reins of history back in mankind's hands, much as you have struggled to liberate your worlds. It's a shame we must find ourselves on opposite sides in the coming conflict."

Sora blinked in confusion. "Uh, but then why are you helping Maleficent to _subjugate_ more worlds then?!"

"I'm not helping her directly," Vayne denied. "I'm not giving her troops or helping her fight her war, merely lending her the use of my world's resources and airship factories in return for the Heartless. I'm still fighting a war of my own against those who would deliver Ivalice back into the hands of its former oppressors, and the Heartless may give me the edge I need to free my world forever."

Sora frowned. "So…by 'putting the reins of history back in mankind's hands'…you mean in _your_ hands. Seems to me that's no better than letting whoever controlled your world before keep doing that."

Vayne frowned at Sora. "I am but one man, and do not expect to live forever. I am trying to secure my world's freedom in my lifetime so that those who come after me may enjoy a time of peace and prosperity unlike any that has come to Ivalice beforehand."

"Through force? And war? And the Heartless, of all things?!" Sora said incredulously. "It seems to me that you're no better than Maleficent or anyone else here, then. The ends don't justify the means. I had to teach a good friend of mine that the hard way."

Vayne frowned and put down his wine glass, unfinished. "Well, I see the 'Hero' bug has bitten you too, hasn't it?" he murmured. "I'll let _you_ discover the truth of things the hard way. Come, Venat, we have better things to do than argue with little boys pretending to be grown-up." He turned and walked away. The ghostly apparition stared at Sora for a moment, then followed.

_Well, he seemed nice,_ Roxas commented. _If delusional. Though it's nice to see there are other guys who've got 'imaginary friends', so to speak. I think Venat saw me inside of you…weird._

Hades coughed. "coughlosercough"

"Totally in denial," agreed Oogie.

"It seems that _he_ had better see the truth of things…those who do not often get consumed by reality," said Shaga, once more grinning.

"A shame, though…he really does have such exquisite taste in clothes," Cruella noted. "Shaga, if you _do _eat him, be sure not to digest the clothes. I've heard that sharks can keep all sorts of treasures intact in their bellies for years, and I have no qualm with cutting open yours to get a hand on his wardrobe." The large shark stared at her for a moment, not actually afraid but noting that she meant every word.

"Moving on," Maleficent said, "We have two other possible investors whose interests in my operations are more for financial reasons than inter-world domination. Than again, as businessmen, a case could be made saying they want that as well, though a different kind. Sora, meet Shere Khan and Flintheart Glomgold, two of the richest men in the galaxy." She was referring to a tall tiger in a business suit who looked as if he could probably tear a man in two with his bare hands if it weren't such a mess to clean up afterwards and a short, old duck wearing a kilt and Scottish garb, with a cane, plaid beret, and small eyeglasses on the end of his beak.

"I thought Scrooge McDuck was-" Sora started to say.

"DON'T say that name around me!" the duck snapped. "Or Truce or no Truce, I'll break my cane over your backside, laddie!" Sora didn't doubt he would.

"Assuming there's enough of him left after _I'm_ done with him to cane," Hook snarled, holding one of his more deadly appendages threateningly.

"And then I'll eat what's left of that," Shaga noted calmly.

"And I'll take what's left after all of you are done," Hades said cheerfully. "Because by that point, he'll be in my jurisdiction."

Sora laughed nervously and reflexively called his Keyblade, though he doubted it would be of much use at the moment. _NOW_ _can we run away?!_ Roxas yelled. _Then again, they'd probably catch us before we could make a move…_

"Scrooge McDuck is indeed the richest individual in the worlds, at this moment," Shere Khan said much more calmly than the irate duck. "However, in the world of finances being at the top of the hill is a precarious position at best, though highly coveted by all. If Mr. Glomgold or myself decide Maleficent's venture worth investing in, the return may indeed be enough to knock McDuck off the top and secure either one of us in his place. However," he said with a frown. "I have not yet decided if this venture is indeed worth spending my munny on. Unlike Mr. Glomgold, I am more interested in making munny than beating a rival. I may choose not to invest at all. However, war _is_ a very profitable business, and it is clear that one is rising between the Realm of Light and the Realm of Darkness…so in the end, I suppose it depends on whichever side makes the best offer for my company's future."

"Then you don't care which side wins?!" asked an appalled Sora.

"Of course I do," Shere Khan said. "Because that side is whichever one I wish to invest in. It's never a good thing to back a loser…unless by doing so you make that loser a winner. Which is why I've come here, to see for myself which of those Maleficent's faction may be. Afterwards, I will visit the worlds which will oppose her to see if they have a better chance…or perhaps, a better need…for my company, and then I will make my final decision. I would hope Mr. Glomgold would do the same…however, I rather doubt he will. He lacks the cool head required to truly succeed in business."

"My bank account and years of experience would say otherwise, laddie!" Flintheart snarled.

"Ah, it's one think to accumulate a vast amount of wealth," Khan said wisely. "But another to _keep_ it…something you should remember more often."

"Cool head _and_ heart of stone…" Sora muttered. "I had no idea business was such a harsh world."

_Well, that's finance for you…nothing matters but the bottom line. I think one of the Number XIII's before me was a businessman, actually…or a stockbroker. Or was he a tax collector? Anyway, he fought with numbers and mathematics. Unfortunately, that math had no effect on Axel's alcohol-soaked brain…_ Roxas reminisced.

"I will do my best to convince both you gentlemen the benefits in investing in me," Maleficent told the businessmen smoothly. "Dark City is the future…it would do well for you to get a piece of it before it's too late. Now, Sora, let me introduce you to another fine fowl, Negaduck, one of the greatest criminal masterminds in St. Canard."

"Great, another hero brat," grumbled the long-billed mallard in the black mask, yellow suit, cape and wide-brimmed hat. "Like I don't have to deal with enough of those back home." He guzzled down some beer from the table. Pete would have drunk some too, if it were actually beer…

"And then we have the esteemed Emperor Zurg," Maleficent said, introducing Sora to a tall purple figure that may or may not have been some kind of android with no visible feet (his cloak or robes or whatever reached the ground), a purple cape, clawed gray gloves, glowing red eyes, and a mouth made up of yellow teeth that glowed when he talked rather than moving. He also had a large Z on his chest. "Arch-foe of Star Command, ruler of several star systems, and nemesis of space hero Buzz Lightyear."

"Wow, three emperors?" Sora asked, somewhat impressed. "Your standards have really gone up when it comes to who you ally with. Or is it down, since they're evil?"

"Why thank you," said Maleficent, flattered.

"Sora, I am your father," Zurg said dramatically.

"What?! You are?!" Sora cried in alarm. "Oh no, I was always afraid of this, that my dad would really be a bad guy! I had hoped this day would never come…" Roxas groaned and rolled his figurative eyes.

The villains stared at him. "Awkwarrrrd…" muttered Hades, edging away.

"Uh, kid, I'm not your dad," said a somewhat embarrassed Zurg.

"…Oh. Then why'd you say you were?" said an annoyed Sora, rather hurt because he didn't know who his father was and didn't like people poking fun at him because of it.

"It's just something us space villains are supposed to say at some point or another…protocol and all," Zurg apologized. "Why the heck would you think I was your father anyway?!"

_That's a rather good question,_ Roxas pointed out, wondering the same thing.

"Uh, well…" Sora rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I've experienced most of the other typical plot twists, so I always figured I might have to run into this one at some point. I don't know who my dad is, and my mom never gives me clear…or even consistent…answers. Sometimes she says she was swept off her feet by some stranger or tourist who she never saw again after their one night, other times she says I was born through immaculate conception, another time she said I was either left on her doorstep or she found me in a basket floating down the river while she was doing laundry…and more than once she says she found me in a shooting star that crashed down to the islands."

"Your mom's nuts," Negaduck snapped.

"Yeah, probably," Sora agreed. "But she's still my mom."

"Er, moving on," Maleficent said quickly. "I'd like you to meet Mozenrath," she said, indicating the final villain, a pale man with impeccable dark blue fancy clothes, a cape, and a strange gauntlet on his right hand. "The sorcerous ruler of the Kingdom of Black Sand. There are, of course, other allies of mine here at the party, but they're off mingling at the moment, or have yet to arrive."

"That's a very nice key you've got there," Mozenrath said calmly, looking at Sora's Keyblade. "I don't suppose you had to WORK for it at all, did you? It was just handed to you on a silver platter, wasn't it?"

Sora frowned. "Well, not exactly a silver platter, but…it kind of chose me, yeah. I had to work to _keep_ it, though."

"But you still have it," Mozenrath pointed out. "And you still have all your little friends, and family, and your world safe and sound, don't you?"

"Yeah…" Sora said slowly, not sure where this was going.

"And you barely had to sacrifice anything at all, did you?" Sora was about to comment that he had suffered a lot and sacrificed his heart once, but he had gotten it back, so wasn't sure that counted. "Unlike me." The wizard held up his gauntlet. "This gauntlet is the source of all my power…but do you know what I had to do to get it?! What I must do to retain it?! Look at this!" He yanked his gauntlet off, revealing that his right arm up to the elbow was completely skeletal. "Look! Look at this!" he cried madly, thrusting the bony hand into Sora's face and causing him to cry out and stumble backwards in alarm. "Look what I had to give up! Look at my _hand_, boy, my hand!" He cackled insanely and continued to flail the mutilated hand about wildly, causing the other villains to back away so it wouldn't touch them. "Look at it! _Look at it!_ Ahahahahahha!" His eyes rolled back into his skull and drool dribbled down his chin.

"Uh, okay…" Sora said, slowly backing away.

_And they call you crazy, for talking to me,_ said Roxas, shaking his figurative head.

Maleficent quickly gestured Zexion over from…somewhere. The Nobody had changed his usual outfit to a white tuxedo like the rest of the servers. "Could you make sure Mozenrath gets back to his room, please?" she asked. "He doesn't seem to be feeling well. He's probably been skipping his medication again. And take that ugly minion of his out of here, I had to deal with enough eels when Ursula was still around, I don't need flying ones getting in my face wherever I go."

Zexion nodded. "Of course, ma'am." He took Zexion's arm and firmly slipped the gauntlet back onto it. "Come on now Mr. Mozenrath, nobody wants to see that in public."

"They have to see…they have to see…they have to see…" the mad wizard babbled.

"No, they don't. Let's get some drugs into you and stop your insanity, now." Zexion took the deranged sorcerer's arm and quickly guided him out of the room.

"Hmm, such a shame one as mad as he has to ruin such fashionable clothes with that gaudy gauntlet," complained Cruella.

"What a loony," grumbled Negaduck, drinking more not-beer.

"Eh, I've worked with worse," Zurg said.

"And had worse on my crew," Hook agreed. "Before I turned them all into Heartless."

"Hmm, they say a person can be judged by the company they keep…that madman's presence does not bode well for my final judgment of you, Maleficent," Shere Khan noted, causing the witch to frown.

"Why're we putting up with that guy again?" Oogie asked Maleficent.

"The same reason we put up with you, he's powerful and is of use to us," the witch told the fat sack of unmentionable things. "Even if that gauntlet is destroying his mind the more he uses it."

"I don't suppose all your other allies are like that?" Sora asked hopefully. If so, they might be easier to handle.

"No," Maleficent said cruelly. "They're much more competent. You have yet to meet the most powerful. Perhaps you will see them later. That should be interesting." Her grin was eerily similar to Shaga's when she said that. "Well, my friends, now that you have met Sora, what is your opinion of him?"

The villains all glanced at each other, then gave fiendish (and once more, eerily identical grins) to Sora. "He's toast."

"Yes, I thought so too. Still, it's best not to underestimate him, even if his chances against us are so infinitesimal." Not even glancing at Sora, Maleficent shooed him away. "Peter, take him away, please. Do what you like with him, I tire of his presence."

"Okie-dokie," Pete said, grabbing Sora's arm and beginning to lead him away. He stopped, though. "Uh, honeybunch?"

"Yes, Peter?" Maleficent asked, slightly annoyed.

"I thought you said your sister wasn't coming."

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "I have several sisters, Peter, many of whom were either able or unable to come for their own reasons. Be specific, please…oh." The witch's face fell as she saw who was coming their way, confused villains, monsters, and other evil things getting out of her path so they wouldn't be shoved or knocked over by her stride. "You mean the one I strictly _forbade_ from coming anywhere near here."

"Yep," Pete said with a nod.  
Approaching them was a tall, imperious woman about seven feet high, clad in a white dress and fur collar, with a crown of icicles in her hair, which had somehow been gelled back in a long point that could probably take someone's eye out. She held a long wand which she held like a staff, and nobody close to her seemed to want to be anywhere near it, for some reason. Behind her, huffing slightly from the effort of keeping up with her long stride, were a small group of villains, as well as a dwarf with a red hat. The woman stopped before Maleficent, chin high in the air, fixing the witch with a steady glare. Sora found that the room had gotten a bit colder all of a sudden, a few mirrors and glasses became coated with frost, a few drinks froze solid, and Hades had to coax his hair into staying alit so it wouldn't go out from this new villain's presence.

The woman stood there, standing for a good thirty seconds, before kicking the panting dwarf behind her without even looking. "Ow! Oh, uh, right." The dwarf cleared his throat and pronounced, "Presenting Her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands, the White Witch, here to see Maleficent."

"What, no titles for me?" Maleficent sneered at the dwarf, who cringed.

_Word to the wise,_ Roxas informed Sora. _A person who has a lot of titles is usually either full of themselves, is trying to compensate for ruling a pretty small area, or both. That's why Xemnas' only title was 'the Superior', so we'd all remember he was Number One. Literally and figuratively, that is._

"The heck's a Chatelaine?" Pete wondered, scratching his head and getting his hair stuck in his greasy hair.

"Who's this broad?" Negaduck wondered.

"One of Maleficent's many sisters, I think," Oogie reported. "I hear her dad's been with _thousands _of women. Heck, even more than your brother, Hades."

"Really? Wow," said a rather impressed Hades. "Beating Mr. Infidelity's record…that takes some doing."

"Darling, who _does_ your hair?" Cruella asked haughtily. "It's positively _disgusting_. Though I like the crown." Jadis glared at the smoker and huffed.

"Maleficent," the white witch finally spoke, her voice reminding Sora of the frozen north. Not that there was a frozen north where he lived, but if there were it would probably be something like the icy mountains in the Land of Dragons. "So good to see you again."

"Yes, I suppose it is," Maleficent said with a clearly false grin. "And here I thought I'd forbidden you from coming anywhere near me, dear sister."

"You did indeed, but how could I possibly pass up the chance to see my dearest sister get wed at long last?" Jadis leered at Pete, who had managed to extricate his fingers from his hair. "And I suppose this is the unlucky man?"

"Yep!" Pete said, puffing out his chest in pride. "Wait, unlucky?"

"But of course," Jadis said with a cold grin. "You don't really think you have a chance with her, do you? Do you have any idea how many exes she's gone through? Some of them she was even engaged to. What makes you think she won't tire of you and drop you like the others?"

"Uh…" Pete scratched his head in concern. "Dunno. I never really thought about it before."

"Well, perhaps you should…before it's too late," Jadis sneered.

"Oh, and you're such an expert on romance yourself, sister," Maleficent taunted. "How many men have spurned you when laying beside you and finding out _just_ how damn cold your feet are?"

"Yeah, too cold even for me, and I'm God of the Dead," agreed Hades. His companions stared at him. "What?"

_Ew,_ Roxas thought, and Sora agreed with him.

Jadis' eyes flashed. "You!!" Enraged, she lashed out with her wand at the dark witch, only for it to bounce off an invisible barrier.

"Nah ah ah, we're under a Truce, remember?" Maleficent tutted. "And as long as that is in effect, opposing parties may not harm each other…unfortunately. If you want to lose to me, you'll have to wait for another time."

"Who's to say I'd lose?" Jadis challenged.

"Because, dear sister, fire always beats ice," Maleficent sneered.

"Ooh, cat fight, cat fight!" Hades said eagerly. "Even if they don't claw each other's eyes out, this should still be fun."

"Anyone want to take bets on which one'll win?" Oogie whispered to the others.

"I will," Shere Khan said, taking out his wallet. "Fifty munny on Maleficent."

"Twenty on Jadis, her hair may be awful but it's better than Maleficent's horns," Cruella said. "And I like her fashion sense better."

"I have no interest in betting, especially if it means I can't eat the loser," Shaga said with his eerie grin.

"Thirty on Jadis too, fire is overrated," said Negaduck, throwing in his lot. "You don't know cold until you've spent winter in St. Canard."

"And you don't know fire until you've seen it burn up a good chunk of your money," Flintheart shot back. "One munny on Maleficent."

"Only one?" asked Zurg. "Cheapskate."

"I'll put twenty-five on either one," said Hook. "That way, I can't lose…I think…"

"How bout you, kiddo? Wanna place a bet with the grown-ups?" Oogie sneered at Sora.

"Um, no thanks," Sora said, though Roxas wanted to place a hundred on Maleficent.

"What an…interesting group of allies you have here," Jadis said coolly. "Taking bets against you behind your back."

"At least they're a more competent bunch than your entourage here," Maleficent sneered. "Where'd you find them anyway?"

"I found them where you discarded or ignored them," Jadis retorted. "I saw the potential you did not and have banded them together into an alliance which shall conquer yours and usurp your position of power here. Behold my lackeys!" She spread her arms. "Gaston!"

"Hmm? Did somebody say my name?" asked a big, burly, and stupid-looking man in a tight red shirt, looking away from the mirror he had been admiring himself in in confusion.

"Duke Igthorn!"

"Mmm, these Gummi Blocks are amazing," the man in medieval chain mail and tunic said, chewing on a large Gummi block. "Much tastier than Gummi berries! Even if they don't grant super-strength…"

"Dark lord Chuckles, the Wacky Pig!"

"That's SILLY pig!" the very short caped pig said, waving a knuckle at Jadis. "Dark Lord Chuckles the Silly Pig! Get it right!" Sora couldn't help snickering, even though he knew he shouldn't, but everyone else was, including Roxas.

"Morgana, sister of the late sea-witch Ursula!"

"Can't…breathe…" a thin, greenish octopus woman rasped, her skin shriveled up as she lay on the floor, gasping. "Too…dry…need…water…" Shaga licked his lips hungrily.

"The Queen of Hearts!"

"OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH EVERYONE'S HEADS!" a hideous fat woman in a red and black dress screamed, waving her scepter around madly and nearly clocking Jadis.

"The thief lord Abis Mal!"

"Uh, heheh, hi there," said a short, plump, balding man in clothes made for desert wear uneasily. "Uh, can you make that shark stop grinning at me like he's gonna eat me?"

"Only if you let me eat you," Shaga said calmly.

"Eeeeep!"

"The crime lord Al Vermin!"

"Can you make that giant bag stop looking at me like he's gonna eat me?" a giant cockroach in an ugly suit said nervously.

"Only if you GET IN MAH BELLY!" Oogie bellowed, shaking with laughter as spiders crawled out of his mouth and across his canvas skin.

"Eeeeeep!"

"Judge Doom!"

"I judge you all GUILTY!" yelled a pale man in a dark trench coat and hat with dark glasses.

"Of what?" asked Sora.

"…I don't know…" The Judge admitted.

"The Headless Horseman!"

Said horseman could not say anything since he had no head, so just waved.

"The Horned King, one of your exes!"

A skeleton with antlers and a red hooded robe stood there imposingly. Maleficent rolled her eyes, Pete assured himself he was handsomer than him, and Roxas wondered how a witch and a skeleton had intercourse, causing Sora to barely hold himself back from whacking himself with his Keyblade to get those thoughts out of his head.

"The great warrior, Gilgamesh!"

"I am Gilgamesh, the GREATEST WARRIOR WHO EVER LIVED!" cried a horned man with a dark complexion covered in face paint, flamboyant red robes and colorful battle armor, and eight arms, each of which held a large sword (some of which looked vaguely familiar to Sora) with kanji meaning 'replica' painted on each one. "Oh, and this is my partner Enkidu," he said, referring to a panting green dog with a colorful bandana, horned snout, and three red eyes, and a happily wagging tail. "Isn't he just the cutest thing? Awww, just look at him!"

"And Professor Moliarty!"

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" a short, squinty-eyed mole in a suit asked, wandering around with his hands out in front of him. "Oh? What's this?" He squeezed something he had bumped into. "It feels like some kind of…bag full of sand or something? With hard lumps in it?"

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" screamed the Queen of Hearts, hitting the mole with her scepter.

"…You're joking, right?" Maleficent said, speechless, as her allies snickered, guffawed, or collapsed to the floor in laughter. Sora found himself wondering if he could possibly switch nemeses and become Jadis' foe instead, since she had the less formidable and dangerous-looking team. "THESE are your allies?!"

Jadis flushed angrily, making her face look slightly less pale. "Well, it would have been easier if you hadn't invited ALL the competent ones to your wedding!"

"Which is precisely why I did that in the first place…" Maleficent muttered.

"I'm competent…" grumbled the Horned King.

"Your performance in bed would say otherwise," Maleficent sneered, causing her allies to break out in laughter again and make Jadis' allies feel worthless, embarrassed, or indignant. (Or in Gaston's case, just oblivious.)

"And it doesn't matter," Jadis insisted. "I don't need supposedly top-notch villains on my side to prove I'm more evil than you."

Maleficent scoffed. "Please! You? More evil? I've drowned hundreds of worlds in darkness!"

"Ah, but have they all stayed that way?" Jadis sneered. "Whereas my world has remained frozen in winter since I conquered it one hundred years ago!"

"Oh, yes…_your_ world," Maleficent said, rolling her eyes. "The _only_ one you've managed to conquer, save the one you started out on. And look how well that first one worked out! You screwed up there so badly you had to start all over in the new world of Narnia! And who exactly do you rule there, anyway? Nothing more than a bunch of mangy animals and second-rate magical creatures!"

"All of which are slave to my every whim, forced to bow lest I destroy them utterly!" Jadis snapped.

"Maybe so, but there's still a rebellion in the works anyway, isn't there?" Maleficent pointed out. "A whole army gathering together for the atypical final battle? I have no such fear of dissension in my ranks, for even if my allies _did_ choose to betray me, the Heartless they commanded will always serve the strongest…which would be me, for I can overpower any of them any day!"

"Well, there goes my plan to betray her," said a disgruntled Zurg.

"Same," agreed an equally annoyed Hades. Many of the other villains grunted their agreement as well.

"Your Heartless are nothing but one-trick ponies…creatures of darkness, weak to the light! My monsters have no such weakness!" Jadis boasted.

"Yes, but they need to eat, rest, and heal like any other mortal army," Maleficent pointed out. "The Heartless have no need for such things. Hearts are the only diet they need, and they can go a long, _long_ time without any. Not to mention the Heartless can _destroy_ worlds instead of just barely maintaining order like your monsters can."

Jadis snarled. "Yes, but you do not oppress and enslave the innocent and weak, merely kill them and turn them into Heartless or Nobodies, without having the satisfaction of seeing their misery and despair every day of their existence! I've kept my subjects trapped in a world without hope. I've kept Santa Claus away from my world for over a hundred years!" Sora gasped in horror at this, and a few of the other villains did indeed admit that was pretty evil.

"Oh yeah? Well, I almost turned Santa Clause into a Heartless!" Maleficent declared, getting more impressed noises from her allies. "And I intend to succeed the next time I try!"

"Ah, but you failed in the first place!" Jadis pointed out gleefully. "Just as you've failed your last two attempts at universal domination, all due to interference from a number of different factions! The only threat that exists to my rule are if four thrones in the empty castle of Cair Paravel were to find their destined occupants, and that will not happen anytime soon!"

"No, because by the time they got there, they'd find that my Heartless had already ravaged your winter wonderland and reduced it to nothingness," Maleficent snapped. "You may be scared of a few thrones, but I'm pretty sure an orbital bombardment would destroy your kingdom even more thoroughly than the occupants of those thrones would!"

"Ha! I need no space armada to show the universe how evil I am!" Jadis laughed.

"Psh, what does she know about armadas?" Zurg grumbled, folding his arms.

"Oh really? Then show me how evil you are!" Maleficent challenged. She twirled her staff. "Take me for example; I'm so evil that I'm going to set my fiancé on fire for no reason, then laugh about it!"

"Huh? Hey, wait a minute-" Pete started, before his tuxedo lit on fire, as did his greasy hair. He screamed and started running around in panic, crying for water, while Maleficent laughed evilly, as did her allies. Taking pity on the fat cat, Sora quickly cast a Blizzard spell, extinguishing the flames…though Pete's suit came out a bit damaged, and he now had a rather large bald spot. "Phew! Thanks, kid."

"Ha! That's nothing!" Jadis snorted. "I'm so evil I'm going to turn one of my loyal allies into stone for no reason!" Her allies gasped in horror at this. Cackling madly, Jadis twirled her wand and struck the oblivious Gaston in the back of the head, causing him to transform into a handsome (and oblivious) statue in a flash of light. Sora gasped. "Wahahahahaha!"

"Oh my god!" screamed Al Vermin. "She turned Gaston to stone for no reason!"

"OFF WITH HER HEAD!" bellowed a terrified Queen of Hearts.

"Oh no, why must all the evil masters I serve turn out to be lunatics who are prone to arbitrarily punishing their minions, including me?!" Gilgamesh cried. "Oh, this is why we set out as freelance in the first place, Enkidu!" He made a series of complicated hand motions as his dog whined anxiously. "Secret ultimate ninja technique: RUN AWAY!" He sheathed his swords, grabbed his dog, and ran off as fast as his feet could carry him.

"Hey, wait for me!" Chuckles cried, running after Gilgamesh. "I promise I won't punish you arbitrarily, only if you royally screw up!"

"Oh god, it's like the time with the Rock Ifrit all over again! Quick, everyone switch sides and join Maleficent, at least she'll probably only set us on fire if we make her angry!" the cowardly Abis Mal cried.

"I'd rather have severe burns than be displayed in Jadis' statue garden," Duke Igthorn agreed in terror.

"Yeah, I can tell you guys from experience that it hurts at first, but you get used to it, sorta," Pete said, brushing some soot off his burnt tuxedo. "How's my hair look?"

All of Jadis' remaining allies, save the dwarf henchman, Moliarty, who ran the wrong way due to his blindness, Morgana, who was slowly dying on the floor, the Headless Horseman, who couldn't see due to his lack of a head and ran the wrong way as well, and the Horned King quickly dashed over to the group of villains allied with Maleficent and hid behind them, quivering in fear.

Jadis blinked. "W-wait…that's not…I didn't mean…"

Maleficent threw back her head and laughed long and loud. "You may be evil, Jadis, but smart you certainly aren't." She walked over to the petrified Gaston. "For one thing, turning people to stone is _so_ outdated. Didn't you know they invented an antidote for that decades ago?" She tapped her staff on Gaston's head. "Stona!"

Gaston's stone skin sparkled and turned back into flesh. He blinked. "Hmm?" He looked around in confusion. "Did I miss something?"

"You see? I win again, sister," Maleficent sneered.

"Not yet you haven't!" Jadis roared, slipping a parchment out of her sleeve. "I came here prepared! This scroll contains the counterspell to Truce! All I have to do is recite the single Word of Power written here, and your spell will be broken and we may do battle once more as we did in days of old! Oh, and destroying the scroll won't work either," she said quickly, seeing Maleficent was about to summon fire. "For since I'm holding it, you can't burn it without possibly hurting me, and your own Truce forbids it! So you can do nothing but watch in horror as I shatter the fragile peace you have wrought with a single word!"

"Uh oh," said an alarmed Pete. "This can't be good…half the villains here hate each other or the 'good guy' guests we invited, if the Truce is gone we could have total chaos on our hands! The wedding would be ruined!"

_Not to mention we'd be fair game for all the people here who want us dead,_ Roxas pointed out. _What should we do?_ Sora summoned his Keyblade again (it had vanished earlier), preparing for all hell to break loose.

Before it could though, a large dark-furred lioness paced towards the group, snarling. "Maleficent!" the lioness growled. "Where's the steak you promised?!"

Maleficent smirked, noticing Jadis stiffen at the sight of the lioness. "The Tonberries are still cooking it, Zira, it should be done shortly."

"It had better!" the lion roared. "I'm starving!" She sat down. "If it's not here soon, maybe I'll eat you. Or your mate, he certainly looks plump and weak enough." Zira salivated, Pete laughed nervously, Sora and the other villains blinked in confusion, and Jadis stared at the lion, eyes wide, mouth half-open to speak the Word, which she seemed to have forgotten for the moment.

"Is…is that…a l-l-l-l-lion?" Jadis gasped.

"Yes," Zira growled. "'It' is. Is that a problem?" Jadis opened her mouth to speak again, but her throat seemed to have gone dry.

"Maleficent!" somebody whined. Another lion walked up, except this one was bipedal and wore royal robes and a crown. "Why is there milk here? You said there wouldn't be milk. You know I'm lactose intolerant," he complained.

Maleficent sighed in annoyance. "I'll look into it later, Prince John. Now isn't exactly the best time."

"Hmmph. Well it had better be soon." It was then the prince noticed Zira. "Well, hello there," he said, trying to make his voice suave.

"Not interested," Zira said flatly. "Not even if your mother wrestled me into doing it."

Prince John bit his lip, eyes quivering. "M-MOMMY!" He started sucking his thumb, resulting in everyone except Jadis rolling their eyes or stare at him in confusion. The white witch's eyes, in fact, seemed to grow even _wider_, if that was physically possible.

"W-why are there lions here?" the witch asked shrilly, beads of sweat rolling down her face and staining her white dress as she stared at John and Zira, watching as the former just stood there sucking his thumb in an obvious attempt to lower her guard (in her mind, anyway) and think him harmless while the latter clearly didn't think that necessary and yawned at her while flexing her claws, showing off every single one of the very nasty fangs and sharp implements which would rip the witch to shreds if Zira decided to pounce, which she no doubt would any minute now.

"Why yes, I suppose they are lions, aren't they?" Maleficent said, feigning surprise while her allies (and Sora) looked between her and Jadis in confusion.

"What's wrong with the lass?" an annoyed Flintheart demanded.

"She looks positively terrified," said an interested Shere Khan.

"Oh, oh, I know!" Oogie cried. As a thing of nightmares, it only made sense that he'd be able to identify it before the others. "She's scared of lions!"

"Lions?" asked an incredulous Negaduck. "What's to be scared of? I mean, they're dangerous sure, but…well, not quite as terrifying as sharks," he said, glancing at Shaga, who smiled and nodded in agreement, showing off all his very nasty teeth as usual.

"Well, there are worse things to be afraid of," said Abis Mal. And he would know this too, for he was a coward and scared of most of those things.

"It all makes sense, now that I think of it…" Igthorn said. "Jadis mentioned earlier the only other threat to her hold over Narnia is some big lion…'Ashlon' or something. She must be projecting her fear of him onto other lions, or something like that."

Sora himself had a hard time understanding what reason there was to fear lions, but that was mainly because he was good friends with some and had actually been one for a while. _She looks like she's going to pass out from fright,_ Roxas said gleefully. _Do you think Maleficent invited these two just in case Jadis showed up? That's just like her!_ Sora nodded in agreement.

"So, sister, weren't you saying something about breaking the Truce?" Maleficent asked kindly. Jadis blinked and stared at her dumbly. "You know, that Word of Power that will allow us to battle once more? You sounded really enthusiastic about it; don't you want to beat me?"

"O-o-of course," Jadis stammered after several long seconds. She fumbled with the scroll in her hands, trying to open it without tearing it or taking her eyes off Prince John or Zira, whom she was sure would pounce the instant she looked away. After an embarrassingly long time, she managed to get it open, hold it in her trembling fingers before her, and stutter several times as she tried to get the first syllable out…

And screamed, ripping the parchment in two when a dark portal opened and _another_ lion entered the room. Well, all right, this one's fur color wasn't exactly leonine, but it _looked_ a lot like a lion. It had taken a female form, with a long red dress and a gold Egyptian headdress atop the immaculate black hair framing the green-eyed feline face. This one was even more terrifying than the other two, and combined all three lions (or almost-lions) were too much for her jangled nerves. Jadis shrieked again, turned, and ran away screaming at the top of her lungs, knocking over any guest unlucky enough to get in her way in her panic, smashed through the glass doors to the balcony, tumbled over the railing and plummeted, still screaming, to the city far below. Her dwarf servant looked around anxiously, squealed in fright, and scurried away.

Sora gaped. Even the other villains seemed stunned...though only for a moment. "Ha!" Pete laughed. "Have a nice trip, see you next fall!" he yelled after Jadis.

"I don't think she can hear you," Zurg said. The fat cat-thing grunted.

Shere Khan smirked. "I believe it's time for everyone to pay up, gentlemen." Grumbling, those who had lost the bet did just that. Sora looked at them in disgust, horrified that they were earning money from the death of someone. Then again, they were villains, so he supposed that should be expected.

"That was some _good_ fear there," Oogie chortled. He turned to Al Vermin. "Now, GET IN MAH BELLY!" The cockroach screamed and ran away, the hungry Oogie waddling rapidly after him.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt!" said a grinning Hades. "Oh well, now that she's dead there's no way she can refuse me! Hades is getting some action when he gets back to the Underworld!"

"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?" asked Zira.

"…It's not important," Hades said after a moment.

"Maybe I should throw you off the top of the castle," Hook said contemplatively as he looked at Sora, twirling the last bit of his original mustache with his right hand, now a hook again. "Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get skewered by one of the tower tops instead of falling all the way to the ground. Or is that unlucky?" He grinned evilly.

"Uh, you do remember I can fly, right?" Sora pointed out.

"…Oh. Right." Hook grunted in disappointment, his eager dreams shot down once again.

"My," said the amazed new lioness. "I haven't had an effect like that on anyone for quite a while. Who was that?"

"Oh, nobody important," Maleficent said dismissively. "How good to see you again, Mirage. Your timing is impeccable as always."

"Uh, hey, the horned guy's still here," Negaduck realized.

And so he was. "My business is not through with you yet," the undead horror groaned, his voice sounding like the whisper of the grave.

"Would that business have anything to do with fashion?" Cruella asked suddenly. "I think I could sell a _brilliant _new line of hats made from antlers just like yours. Sure, it's not exactly functional, but since when has fashion ever been?" Everyone stared at her. "What?"

"As I was saying," the Horned King continued. "My business is not-"

"Excuse me," Moliarty said, tugging on the Horned King's robe. "Have you seen my glasses?"

"What? No, now go away," said the annoyed King.

"But I need my glasses," the mole begged. "I can't see a thing without them."

"You won't be able to see if I pluck your eyes out either, now go away!" Dejected, Moliarty did just that, colliding with the equally blind Headless Horseman as he did so and causing the cranially-challenged rider to trip over him, falling to the ground and pinning the mole beneath his weight. Morgana flopped limply nearby, still dying. "Now, as I was saying-"

"I've been making the rounds. Have I missed anything?" Vayne asked, walking back up with Venat.

"Oh yes, Maleficent terrified her sister into jumping off the balcony," Shaga said, thinking sadly of how tasty her splattered carcass would have been.

"I said-"

"Ah, a pity," Vayne said drolly. "Where'd all these fellows come from?"

"Oh, uh, we decided to join forces with Maleficent when Jadis turned Gaston to stone for no reason," said Duke Igthorn.

"Ahem!"

Vayne frowned. "You know there's a cure for that, right?"

"Well, we do _now._"

"HEY! SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE!" the Horned King bellowed angrily, getting everyone's attention again. "Ahem. Maleficent, I refuse to let you go so easily. This fat slob here isn't worthy of your time or your hand."

"And you believe you are?" Maleficent asked, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I do indeed."

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" the Queen of Hearts bellowed.

"You are GUILTY of trying to ruin a wedding!" Judge Doom agreed.

"There's no law against that, now is there?" Flintheart pointed out. "And as a villain, it's a given he'd break it anyway." There were grumbles of begrudging agreement from the other villains at this.

"I think we can both agree that there was something between us, Maleficent. Something with potential, with power, that could lead to a great love and a great evil," the Horned King continued. "Don't you wish to try again? To see what that potential may lead to? To domination of the universe?"

Maleficent yawned. "You're right, there _was_ something between us, King…your stench. Never date the undead," she said in aside to Mirage and the others. "They reek terribly. That's part of why I dumped him to begin with, that and his ambitions were too small-time for me." They chuckled at this.

"Eh, you get used to the stench…sorta…" Hades muttered to himself.

"Small-time?!" cried the incredulous skeleton.

"Oh yes, you were always obsessed with some dinky little pot and how it would make you ruler of some quaint little feudal land nobody remembers called Prydain," Maleficent said, bored. "You talked about it all the time, even in our most intimate moments. It was really most annoying. Did you ever manage to find it, by the way?"

"I did indeed," the King said angrily, enraged that she would disrespect his goals so. "And with it, I did manage to conquer Prydain, and the rest of that world too! And it is no 'dinky little pot', but the great and terrible Black Cauldron!" All of them could feel the capital letters in the object's name. "It allowed me to summon an invincible army of undead soldiers! Kingdoms and empires fell at my feet, and any whom I threw into the Cauldron died at once!"

"And what have you done since then?" asked Maleficent, still bored. "Conquered any new worlds recently?"

"…Well, no," the King admitted, slightly embarrassed. "It's kind of hard to construct spacecraft in a world still in the middle of the Dark Ages. And it's a bit hard to transport several million skeletons plus one dark magical Cauldron through a portal without disrupting it."

"And your undead army is rather useless there, isn't it?" Maleficent said smugly. "All power, little brains."

"Hey, some of my best drinking buddies are undead," said an annoyed Hades, who Maleficent ignored.

"And your Heartless aren't the same?" the Horned King accused.

Maleficent shrugged. "Perhaps not, but they are much stronger in my opinion…and far more terrifying." Hades huffed again at that and crossed his arms with a frown.

"More terrifying? MORE TERRIFYING?!" Enraged, the King pointed at an unusually small Shadow Heartless Cruella had picked up and was cuddling, cooing it while tickling its tummy and rubbing its antenna and wondering to herself if she could somehow make a clothing line out of Heartless remains. A giggling Abis Mal, happy to find something smaller and weaker-looking than himself, poked its tummy and the Heartless wiggled happily in Cruella's grasp. "You call _that_ terrifying?!"

"Sure, _one_ may not look like much," agreed Maleficent. "But they grow rapidly. Would you believe that that single Heartless destroyed an entire world not too long ago? It crept through the shadows, seeking hearts to sate itself…and when it found them, that one Heartless became many, and those many became even greater in number as they devoured the population in secret, a little at a time, bolstering their numbers while increasing terror in the community. The people did not know what was causing these disappearances, only that all safeguards to prevent more from happening failed. Their fears ran wild, for an unknown threat is almost always even more frightening than one that is known. They accused each other of responsibility, and so trust and alliances were broken, rendering the people divided and weakened and that much more vulnerable. And then, when there were enough of the Heartless, and the fear of the populace was at its peak…they struck!" she said, snapping her fingers and causing some of them to jump. Abis Mal, who had been backing away from the little Shadow the more of the story he heard, screamed and leaped into the Queen of Heart's arms, who looked at him in confusion. "And then the world was no more. Oh, I don't deny your undead are terrifying, but they're an army, nowhere near as varied or adaptable as the Heartless or their Nobody cousins. Your soldiers don't know the meaning of subtlety. It's horrifying to see them outside your town walls, marching towards you unstoppably, but I doubt that fear is quite the same as that deep, dark terror most people have at the bottom of their hearts of some sinister force gathering where they can't see, waiting and plotting…plotting…for the moment to devour them utterly." She smiled warmly at the Horned King. "And they don't smell as bad as your undead, either." Sora reluctantly found himself agreeing with Maleficent on many of her points, especially the smell. After all, according to Riku's heightened senses, darkness smelled like cream and cherries, something which the undead he had encountered certainly did not smell like.

The skeleton fumed, his eyes glowing with rage. "You disrespect my power?! Fine, witch! Allow me to demonstrate the might of the Black Cauldron…and in doing so, prove to you that I am the only man worthy of you!" He spread his arms, power building around him and causing the lights to flicker and dim and glasses of drinks around the room to start shaking. "Come to me, my legion of the dead! Come to your master! Gwahahahahahahahaha!" Maleficent yawned, not impressed. The others weren't either, though Abis Mal leaped into a confused Judge Doom's arms, Prince John burst into tears, Igthorn and a couple of the more timid villains looked around nervously and Gaston started complaining that he couldn't admire his reflection properly if the lights weren't working. Morgana continued whispering for water as she slowly dried out on the floor.

Bursts of greenish light sparked into life all around the chamber, each generating at least a dozen figures, and causing the already full room to get very crowded as about a hundred gruesome armored skeletal or zombie warriors appeared, moaning and rotting and generally not smelling very good. The Horned King roared with laughter as a large Black Cauldron (note the capitals) floated down from the air and landed before him. Eerie green light emanated from the Cauldron, as well as creepy, otherworldly noises. "Behold but a small fraction of my army! Does it not fill you with terror?!"

"YES! YES IT DOES!" Abis Mal screamed, strangling Judge Doom in fright.

"MOMMY!" bawled Prince John.

"Oh dear," said an alarmed Igthorn.

"Uh, well, they are kinda scary…" Pete said anxiously, rather worried about the deadly (and probably unsanitary) weapons the undead warriors were carrying, despite the Truce.

"Ignore him. As I said before, I'm not impressed," Maleficent said.

"Same here. I've seen too many undead in my line of work to be impressed," agreed Mirage. "And my minions are much scarier."

"As a shark, I see—and eat—corpses all the time. In fact, I see most living things as just animate corpses waiting to be eaten," Shaga said with a grin and causing those close to him to look uneasy and edge away.

"Bah, some of the goons I've worked with are much uglier. And smellier," Negaduck said disparagingly.

"Ha, you want scary, you should see the aliens of Xenat-12!" said Zurg. "Now, those things are _really_ terrifying!"

"I'm a pirate," Hook grunted. "I see cursed, undead sailors all the time. These aren't very different."

"And there's nobody but dead guys back in my place," said a bored Hades. "So this is nothing, really."

"We have undead all over Ivalice," said an unimpressed Vayne. "They're terrifying, yes, but they also make monsters like these nothing I haven't seen before."

These were, clearly, not the responses the Horned King was looking for. "You! Boy!" the King roared, pointing at Sora. "Tell them how much you tremble the sight of my undead horde, the Cauldron-born!"

"Um…" Sora scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, sorry, but…I'm not really that scared of them at all."

"What?!" the King bellowed in disbelief. The undead soldiers looked a little disappointed too. "Why not?!"

"Well, these aren't the first undead I've seen either," Sora explained, thinking of the cursed pirates from the Caribbean. "And, well…all they can do is kill you, Heartless do much worse. Also, well…I've been to Halloweentown. Most of the people there are either undead or some kind of monster. And I was scared of them at first, but…when I got to know them, I realized they're actually just regular people like everyone else, who just look different and tend to enjoy scaring the bejeezus out of others. Not that I'm saying your warriors aren't vicious and uncaring fiends," Sora said quickly. "But on the battlefield I'd just treat them like any other opponent I've ever fought, because to me, that's all they are."

The Horned King's jaw dropped. The nearby villains and other guests laughed, as did Roxas. "You see, Horned one?" said Maleficent. "Even a young boy isn't afraid of your horde. Beyond the meager scare factor, they're little more than your average magical army which doesn't need fuel or rest and is easily replenished and can mend itself if damaged."

"But…but…" the deflated horned skeleton protested weakly.

"And your Black Cauldron," Maleficent continued. "For all its vaunted power, has one glaring weakness: if a person were to jump into it willingly, all its power is broken." She began to turn, and Sora thought for a moment she was going to tell him to jump in. However, instead she kept turning towards Cruella, or rather, the Heartless she was still holding. "There's a free, unclaimed heart in that cauldron over there," she lied to it. "It's all yours."

The Shadow's antenna perked up at this. Squeaking with joy, it hopped out of Cruella's arms, bounced off Pete's head, and sailed through the air towards the glowing cauldron.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" the Horned King howled in dramatic slow motion, desperately leaning out over the Cauldron, arms spread out to stop the Shadow from dropping into the glowing black pot. However, he miscalculated his dive, and so while he _did_ stop the Heartless from falling in, the creature landing on the back of his head and pushing off in rebound ended up shoving him face-first into the Cauldron. Even though it was shorter than he, he somehow managed to fit entirely inside it, vanishing into the glowing green radiance. That radiance increased when the last of him was in the Cauldron, and the pot began shaking ominously, along with the rest of the room. The undead warriors gave each other looks that essentially translated to 'Oh shit!' as the Black Cauldron rumbled violently and emitted more green rays of light, erupting in a tower of supernatural light which smashed into the ceiling and pooled outward into a giant swirling energy vortex, centering in the cauldron's mouth. The room shook, people fell over, and glasses broke as the skeleton warriors were all dragged, screaming, into the vortex, sucked down into the bottomless depths of the Black Cauldron, never to be seen again. With all its creations gone, the vortex retreated into the great pot, causing it to throb, glow, and crackle with magical energy. It flashed with green light, pulsating with power, and then…the Cauldron self-destructed, exploding with a terrific bang and burst of magical energy as well as the wail of hundreds of screaming spirits which rushed throughout the room and shattered a few mirrors and windows before finally fading away, the evil thing's power spent and dissipated forever. The lights came back on to full intensity, and all that was left of the Cauldron was a permanent scorch mark in the floor. The other guests applauded gleefully, for the air was much clearer now that the foul undead had left. (Not that there weren't still _invited_ undead, but they had been conscientious enough to put on deodorant before arriving.) The poor, confused Shadow Heartless, deprived of its promised meal of hearts, wiggled its antenna sadly and crawled away.

"And so you see the true power of the Heartless," Maleficent boasted to her allies. "That a single member of the weakest variety was able to defeat a powerful dark lord and his army effortlessly."

"Very impressive," admitted Vayne.

"Yes, any doubts I had about this venture are erased completely," agreed Zurg.

"Not bad, not bad at all," said an impressed Mirage. "I could barely have done much better myself, and that's saying something."

"Ah, but before I forget…" She snapped her fingers, and Zexion appeared. "Zexion, dispatch divisions of our fleet to the worlds of Narnia and Prydain. With the death of the overlords who ruled there, the people will be celebrating their newfound freedom…which will leave them at their most vulnerable for a full-force invasion." Zexion nodded and left to do just that.

Sora gasped. "No! You can't do that!"

"Of course I can," said Maleficent. "Just as easily as I can order that fleet I left in orbit around your world to begin invading there. Keep your mouth shut, or the Destiny Islands will soon be facing the same fate as Narnia and Prydain."

Sora balked at that. He hesitated, uncertain what to do, or what he even _could_ do. _Sora…don't push it,_ Roxas advised. _There's nothing we can do here._

"But-"

_There's NOTHING we can do,_ Roxas repeated. _And if you DO try something, and our world gets blown up for it, I'll never forgive you. And I don't think the others will, either. _His heart sinking, Sora began to realize that this was, in fact, the truth. And so he said nothing.

"Hmm, I still haven't made up my mind," Shere Khan said. "However…tricking your rivals into destroying themselves and freeing their assets for you to take the way you did demonstrates a great deal of skill. I might actually learn something from you…curious."

"Well, I've decided," Flintheart said greedily. "I'm definitely backing Maleficent. With all the wealth that can be obtained by conquering worlds across the universe, I'll definitely become the richest duck there is!"

"Not if I get there first, bub," said Negaduck with a smirk. "After all, you're pretty old as is and you've gotta croak sometime…better that money should go to a young guy like me, rather than be wasted, right?"

"I'll have you know, laddie, I have every intention of being buried with my money, like the pharaohs of old," Flintheart sneered. "I'm even having a pyramid built back home. But don't think I'll be using it anytime soon…I'll probably outlive most of you, what with your high-risk lifestyles and low life expectancy as supervillains!"

"Hmm, only problem with that plan is that when you _do_ die, all that money's just gonna sit around gathering dust and mildew until some tomb raider steals it, because hey, here's a news flash: you can't take it with you." Hades grinned. "Take it from a guy who knows."

"Assuming he winds up in your world of the dead," said Oogie Boogie as he came back, noticeably much bigger and with a large, Al Vermin-shaped bulge in his stomach. "There are so many, after all. How else do you think there are so many dead guys in Halloweentown? Yours truly excluded, of course, since I evolved as a collective consciousness rather than just showing up one day."

"I've never met a collective intelligence before," said an impressed Zurg. "You'd think I'd run into them more often, as an alien emperor and all, but you'd be surprised by how few there seem to be…"

"I met one once…and it was such a jerk!" pouted Abis Mal, crossing his arms. "Stupid soot demon. Why does my every attempt to join forces or utilize some powerful magical force always end in defeat?"

"Because you're a pitiful, ugly, incompetent man?" Cruella suggested, lighting a new cigarette. "Not to mention bald." Abis Mal's lip quivered, his tiny ego all but shattered.

"Does that apply to me, too?" Duke Igthorn asked unhappily, rubbing his covered head and the hidden bald spot there. Cruella nodded, and Igthorn pouted and munched on another Gummi block out of sorrow. Hook, who had lost most of his hair to the crocodile, rubbed his own balding head self-consciously.

"Him too," growled Zira, looking at Prince John, who was still sucking his thumb. "What a baby." That comment just made the pathetic prince think of his mother again, and start bawling once more, proving Zira's insult legitimate.

"Will you all be quiet?" Gaston asked, not taking his eyes off his reflection. "You're all too loud, how am I supposed to admire myself with all this background noise?"

"We _do_ get to throw away the useless and stupid ones once they've served their purpose, right?" Mirage whispered to Maleficent.

"Of course," the evil witch said with a wicked smile.

"May I eat them when that time comes?" Shaga quietly asked Maleficent, having overheard.

"Why of course, Shaga, as long as you leave their hearts intact…for as weak as they are, those hearts may still be of use to us," said Maleficent. _Including yours,_ she thought to herself.

The shark pressed his fingers together. "Excellent."

"Water," rasped Morgana, who had been ignored by everyone all this time.

Feeling rather sorry for her, and himself, Sora filled a cup of water from the nearby refreshment table and poured it on her, rehydrating the octopus slightly. "Can I go now?" Sora asked, feeling very depressed and hopeless for a change. "Or at least see my friends?"

"They ain't here," Pete said.

Sora stared at him for a long moment. "…What?"

"Pretty much all the do-gooders and non-evil world rulers left this little get-together here before you got here, complaining about how oppressive the atmosphere was, what with all us villains giving them leers and looks and sinister grins," Hades said with a similar grin. "Even Wonderboy and his Pop. Well, actually Zeusie wanted to stay and hit on all the hot evil babes here, but Hera dragged him off. I tell ya, if divorce wasn't against their religion…"

"Then why am I…" Sora stopped. He knew exactly why he was brought here. His shoulders slumped.

"I think you've seen everything you need to see," Maleficent said with false sympathy. "So now you may go. Pete, show him to the door, would you? I'm sure he could simply swap with his alter ego and warp, were it not for the fact that he seems to have so many fans in that state…" Sora started, shocked that Maleficent knew he could switch with Roxas…and his heart sank again, as he realized that nothing he and his friends had talked about in their room had escaped the witch's notice.

"Yeah, all right," Pete said, grabbing Sora by the arm. "Come on squirt, let's go." Sora didn't fight the cat-thing's grip as he was dragged once more through the room, automatically stepping over Moliarty and the Headless Horseman's prone bodies as they did so. Pete noticed this. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Sora stared at him. "I've just learned two worlds are doomed and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it without dooming my own. I've also learned that Maleficent is more powerful and dangerous than we ever imagined, and has been almost completely in control ever since we got here. Not only that, she's holding my world hostage, is using me to further her own schemes by showing the other villains she's got me under her thumb for the moment, and if that's not bad enough, I'm starting to wonder if the voice in my head is really as good a guy as I thought he was."

_Hey, what's that supposed to mean?_ Said an indignant Roxas.

"Oh, well, tough luck with that," said Pete, not really caring. "But hey, before we go, how'd you like to meet my boy PJ?"

Sora blinked at the name. "Pajamas?"

Pete looked confused. "What?! No, Pete Junior!"

"Oh. Sure, I guess," Sora said with a sigh. Not like there was really anything else for him to do, right? And he didn't relish going back to the room and reporting that not only did he not learn anything helpful, but that two worlds had been doomed and he did nothing to stop it.

"Great! I'm pretty sure he didn't leave with the rest of the delegation from Disney Castle. Let's see, last time I saw him he was somewhere over…" Pete, having no idea where his son had gone off to, wandered aimlessly for a while, dragging Sora along with him until he got the idea to ask one of the servers for help, and soon after found PJ by a small table with a punch bowl not very far from where Maleficent's Dark Circle were chatting and discussing evil plans while occasionally being interrupted by a guest coming to greet the bride-to-be or one of the other villains. PJ himself looked a lot like Pete, only with less facial hair, and was a little shorter and not quite as fat, though he did inherit a bit of his father's body mass. He looked a few years older than Sora, college-age or above, perhaps just old enough to be classified by some as an 'adult'. Sora was somewhat surprised to see PJ's outfit, a dress uniform of sorts with some pieces of armor made for it. The outfit seemed to have been tailor-made specifically for his bulk, with a large belt around his waist that could easily be adjusted for growth that had several compartments attached to it, a navy overcoat with a white collar and gold pads with tassels on the shoulders worn on top of a red sweater with large gold buttons and wide cuffed sleeves, the right of which wore a thick metal bracer on the upper arm and the left of which had a very large piece of shoulder armor as well as a heavy gauntlet over his left fist. Another large belt ran down from his big shoulder pad and around his back, where it held a big round shield not unlike Goofy's in place. His wide pants were a darker blue and devoid of armor, though his boots did have a somewhat military look to them. Sora also did not miss the familiar mouse-head emblem of the Disney Kingdom embossed on PJ's shoulderpad, buttons, and shield. _Wow,_ thought an amazed Roxas. _He almost looks like Pete, just…not, you know?_ Sora nodded slightly in agreement.

"Oh, hey Dad," PJ said, taking his eyes off of the Dark Circle. "What's up?"

Sora was surprised again to see, for a brief second, a great deal of pride mixed with shame in Pete's eyes as he looked at his son. "Boy, I want you to meet someone very important." He shoved Sora forward. "This is Sora. You know, the kid with the big key. Thought you should get a chance to meet him before we destroy him completely."

"Oh, hey!" PJ said enthusiastically, grabbing Sora's hand (somewhat dwarfing it in his large gloves) and shaking the human's arm vigorously. "I was hoping I'd see you here! I've heard a lot about you from Mr. Goof and the King, and I wanted to meet you in person. You're a little taller than I thought you'd be, though…"

"I kind of hit a growth spurt recently," Sora said, which was technically true. "You're pretty big yourself."

"Heh, thanks," said PJ. "I inherited it from my dad. We're both big-boned…though that doesn't explain _all_ of his weight."

"Hey!" cried an upset Pete as both younger boys snickered. "Hmmph. Well, can you blame me, with Tonberry chefs to make me my meals? Why, even your mother wasn't that good a cook! Uh, don't tell her I said that, okay?"

"You know…she's still not very happy about this marriage thing…" PJ said after a moment.

"Eh, who cares?" Pete said nonchalantly. "We've been divorced for a while now. It's a bit late for her to try and control my life, isn't it?"

"I guess, but…she does still care about you, Dad…you know that, right?" PJ pleaded.

Pete shrugged. "Yeah, but I don't really care anymore. I made my choice, and if she doesn't like it, too bad!"

PJ sighed. "It was that attitude that ended your marriage in the first place…" Pete just grunted.

"So, uh, PJ," Sora said, quickly changing the subject. "I notice you're wearing King Mickey's seal. Does that mean you're working for him, and not going to join your dad or anything?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm working for the King," PJ said with a nod, causing Pete to grimace painfully. "After the divorce and…and Dad got banished…I decided I wanted to do something to prove myself and distinguish myself from his legacy, so I transferred from college to the royal academy and decided to start training for knighthood."

"And you just had to be good at it, too…" Pete muttered unhappily. "Couldn't be evil like your old man, could you?"

"So you're going to be a knight, like Goofy?" Sora asked.

PJ nodded. "Yeah, and Mr. Goof's son Max is training too. We've been doing pretty well so far…we're in our third year at the academy and near the top of our class. We've both had to work pretty hard, though…Max, to show that he's earning the rank on his own merit and not his dad's, and me, well…to show I'm not gonna turn out like Dad." He gave Pete a sad look. "Sorry dad, but I don't really want to be evil. I'm not cut out for it."

Pete sighed unhappily, making it clear PJ's admonition hurt him deeply, though he knew it to be true. "Well…well, at least you're making something of yourself…" he said weakly. "I just…don't want to have to fight you one day, PJ, for being on the other side. You're sure-"

"I've made my choice, Dad," PJ said firmly. "Just like you made yours."

Pete's shoulders slumped. "Yeah. Yeah, I know." He was clearly disappointed, but not surprised.

_Is this how it's like between fathers and sons, then?_ Roxas wondered. _Are we really missing anything, then?_

"I don't know," Sora murmured to his brother. "Because I've never had a dad, so I can't really say. I think it depends on the family, though…I'm pretty sure Goofy and his son are pretty close, though it might help that they're not on opposing sides."

"So, uh, PJ," Pete said, trying to sound like everything was okay. "Why'd you decide to stay instead of leaving with the other Disney dweebs? Wanted to stay behind to chat with your old man? Or maybe see some of the ladies?" He winked and nudged his son with an elbow.

"Uh, well…" PJ said uneasily, eyes shifting about.

He was saved from having to answer when the crystal globes above suddenly went out. "Hmm?" Maleficent looked up, frowning in suspicion. "That wasn't supposed to happen…" There was surprisingly little panic from the guests. Then again, most of them liked the dark, and so had little to fear. Well, several of them (such as Abis Mal or Prince John) _did_ fear, especially since they were standing alongside many horrible creatures who dwelled in the dark, and…okay, maybe there was reason for a few to panic.

There were more reasons when the main doors to the room exploded off their hinges and slammed to the floor, followed by a tremendous gout of flame which lit the room anew and towered to the ceiling, licking the walls and rushing around the chamber to encircle everyone in a giant circle of fire. More guests panicked now, save for those who happened to be pyromaniacs/kinetics or fire monsters.

"What's going on?!" PJ cried, whipping out his shield and holding it over his right arm.

"Whatever it is, it can't be good," Sora said, his Keyblade reappearing.

_This fire…Axel?!_ Roxas wondered hopefully.

"He's dead, Roxas," Sora grunted, muscles tensed and ready for action as he stared at the doorway full of fire. "We saw him die ourselves."

…_Yeah…I know. This just seems like something he would do._

Pete's eyes were as round as saucers. "Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no."

Maleficent sighed in exasperation as she walked over, the confused Dark Circle trailing behind her, although Mirage and Hades both seemed to have an idea as to what was going on. "I knew he was going to show up sooner or later."

"What?! Who is it?!" PJ demanded.

"It's-" Before Maleficent could answer, the inferno in the doorway exploded into flaming comets in the shape of skulls, rushing around the room and screaming like the damned as they rocketed all about, impressing or terrifying the less jaded villains and making the more experienced and dangerous ones wary. Cruella lit a new cigarette with one comet as it shot over her head, nearly singeing her hair.

"Show-off," growled Hades. "I can do better."

"Than…who, exactly?" asked a confused Captain Hook, trying to shake the trembling Abis Mal, Prince John, and Duke Igthorn off his legs.

A huge, towering figure wreathed in flames stepped through the blazing doorway, raised its arms, and…made a peace sign? "YOYOYO, WHASSUP MAH HOMIES?!" the thing yelled in a deep, booming voice. All blinked at the figure and thought, 'WTF?' or an approximation of. The flames around the room went out, even the one on Hades' head, which pissed him off, revealing the dark and terrible newcomer for all to see, lit by the illumination from the city below and the flashing spotlights mounted on towers near the balcony outside, which swiveled magically to focus on him.

The shadows rushed to his side as he walked into the room, figuratively and literally. "Hey! Hey, get offa me you mofos, don't touch the goods!" the figure complained, shaking his legs to try and knock off the Shadow Heartless clinging to them. "You suckas rip my clothes and you are SO damned, y'hear me? Oh yeah!" The figure snapped his fingers, knocking the Heartless off and causing all the glass in the room to shatter, including poor Moliarty's glasses, and causing many to scream as broken crystal fell on them. "Mastah S is in the hizzouse, wankstas! Grovel before my pimpness, assclowns! Whoo!"

"…My father," Maleficent said deadpan. "Lord Satan." All nearby gave her incredulous looks, finding it hard to believe that THAT was her father. Her shoulders sagged. "I _told_ him to act and dress decently if he came…"

"Well, I suppose this _could_ be considered decent…for him, anyway," Mirage said wryly.

"Even I was never this embarrassed by my father," said a stunned Vayne. "And he was Emperor of Archadia...and could do a lot more ridiculous things than you would have expected."

Lord Satan, or 'Mastah S', was a hulking ten-foot tall being with very dark purple skin and ridiculously huge bulging muscles. Most of his skin was covered in tattoos depicting gruesome and unholy horrors and torments which looked as if they were alive, shifting and twisting across his flesh with every breath he took. A number of studded belts and chains were wrapped around his biceps and waist, straining to contain his immense muscular mass. He wore a torn red vest and large jeans with flared bottoms frayed at the ends and holes in the kneecaps so the large spikes there could grow out. There were holes on the back of his vest to let the spikes there grow out, too. A number of loose chains hung from his pants, randomly placed with no clear plan for aesthetics in mind. He had rather large hooves like a bull's instead of feet, with gold caps. Each of his hands was cloven, with three fingers, each of which had big black nails and enormous gold and diamond rings covering every inch of them. His arms had very big gold bracelets and hoops covering most of them, too. The tattoos on his bare chest were almost obscured by the tremendous amount of heavy gold and diamond-encrusted necklaces, chains, and collars draped around his neck, each holding a huge holy icon or bizarre symbol which would probably sell for millions and feed the population of an entire world for years and years. His noseless, grinning face was framed by a pair of big gold-capped horns and a huge, flaming, rainbow-colored afro. All the big, flat teeth in his smile were gold too, as were the piercings in his cheeks, horns, eyebrows, belly button, and various other places around his body. His eyes were hidden behind big, gaudy dark sunglasses which seemed to absorb what light was shining on him from the outside spotlights. "Yo, Maleficent! Give yo pimp-daddy a hug, woman!"

A grimace on her face, Maleficent stiffly stepped forward and did just that. "Hello, father," she said with gritted teeth. "How lovely to see you again…"

"Aw, come on bitch, you call that a hug?" Satan complained, pressing her into his chest and crushing her face into his enormous array of bling with his very powerful arms. "Show the big man a little love, girl, especially since he came all this way for your wedding!"

"That's Maleficent's father," Sora said faintly.

_Whoa,_ said a stunned Roxas.

"Yep," said a terrified Pete. "And my father-in-law, or soon-to-be."

"Well, this explains a lot…" muttered Zurg.

"Like her horrible fashion sense," agreed Cruella. "It seems to be inherited."

"That thing is wearing enough gold to be his own money bin…" said Flintheart in disbelief.

"Yes, but even I would think twice about stealing it," agreed Abis Mal. "I don't like the looks of this guy. I mean, come on, what's with the hair?"

"You just don't like the fact that he has more than you, and you're envious," accused Igthorn.

"And you're not?" Judge Doom asked. Igthorn pouted and rubbed his head sadly.

"That's my girl!" Satan said, finally letting a very dazed and gasping Maleficent up for air. "Now…yo! Pete! Get over here, dawg!"

"Uh, I'm really more of a cat…thing…" Pete said weakly as he walked over, sweating both from fear and the heat Satan's body radiated.

"I don't gotta tell you you'd better be a good little man-whore for my favorite bitch here or else, right?" Satan said, putting a hand on Pete's shoulder.  
"O-or else what?"

Satan began telling him exactly what. Maleficent and Mirage both had looks of amusement on their faces as they listened. Other villains had a wide range of expressions, from awe to disgust to bemusement to utter horror. Pete's face turned chalk-white and his pants grew significantly damper the more Satan explained what would happen to him if he failed to fulfill his duties as a husband in any way. "Ehehehehawcrap."

"Hmmph," grunted Shere Khan, thinking this more than excessive.

"Bah…I can do better than that," grumbled Hades.

"Uh, but I thought you were…and he's…" Negaduck looked back and forth between Hades and Satan, a little confused.

"The same person? Yeah, a lot of people make that mistake…" Hades said with a sigh. "It's kind of complicated. I guess you could say that we're both actually two different aspects of the same archetype…except I have better hair."

"Archetype? What are you talking about?" asked Flintheart.

"Your pathetic mortal mind couldn't possibly comprehend it even if I told you," the god sneered.

The old duck smiled grimly. "Oh, don't be so sure of that now. I've been around a long while…not as long as you perhaps, but I've learned a thing or two in my time. And one of those things…is that everyone has a price." He took out a checkbook. Hades suddenly found himself much more inclined to talk to the old geezer.

"Whooo…that's some serious fear there," Oogie whispered gleefully to some of his compatriots. "Guess even Jack Skellington's gotta be out-scared by someone. Though knowing Jack, he'd probably rather get tips from this guy than be totally upset."

"Mmm…I agree, it is a most delectable fear," Shaga said, licking his lips. "And it only makes me…hunger…" He glanced significantly at Abis Mal and Prince John, who were if at all possible even more terrified, causing the short balding thief to squeal in terror. Zira licked her lips and growled softly, equally aroused by all the fear.

"Hmm…perhaps he could give me some pointers, too…on what to do with a certain Keybearer…" Hook said, glaring at Sora, who was himself more than a little worried by this demonic creature's presence, intentions, and language.

"We cool, dawg? Great!" Satan clapped his hands, causing the glass to, miraculously, un-shatter and reassemble itself. "Then let's get this party started!"

"Father, the party's not until tonight," Maleficent gently corrected her father.

Satan blinked under his shades. "Huh? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Maleficent?"

"This isn't a party, just a social gathering for all our guests to reunite or get acquainted with each other," Maleficent explained. "Tonight is when I have my bachelorette party and Peter has his bachelor party, to celebrate our individual 'last nights of freedom.'"

"Ohhhh..." Satan uttered in realization. "So I'm like, what, fashionably early or somethin'?"

"More like unfashionably…" Cruella muttered to herself.

"Yo, I heard that ho!" Satan yelled. "Don't you go shootin' yo mouth off at me, bitch! You want a good raping or something?!"

"No, not particularly," Cruella said, not impressed.

Satan huffed and crossed his arms. "Hmmph, you don't talk like that to Mastah S, no sir, where's the respect huh bitch? Motherfucking mortals these days…"

"Yes, so, if you want to party, I suppose you could come back later…" Maleficent said, trying not to sound too desperate to get her father out of there.

"What? Fuck that, bitch! You know it's always a party when Mastah S is in the house! Hooah!" He snapped his fingers, and suddenly a rotating disco ball descended from the ceiling, several boom boxes and stereos complete with demonic DJs appeared, loudly playing funk and gangsta rap, extremely vulgar graffiti covered the walls, and a few dozen _extremely_ attractive, nubile, and scantily-dressed demonesses manifested and began dancing, attracting the eye of many a villain (and villainess). The Nobodies, with their extremely flexible bodies, quickly got into the groove, and the Heartless, strangely enough, seemed attracted to the demons, and began to dance with them, making many of the guests envious. "Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Satan then began to break dance, while all the Dark Circle stared in disbelief. Maleficent moaned and put her face in her hands.

"Well, um…that was weird," Sora commented.

_Good lord, I don't think I've seen anyone break dance like that since Xigbar did in that misguided contest we had one day…_ Roxas reminisced, speaking of his days in the Organization. _My god, it was horrible…we had no idea bodies could contort like that. And Demyx actually lost, incredibly enough._

"Uh, hey, maybe we should get out of here, while they're distracted by Maleficent's dad's dancing," PJ whispered to Sora.

"Good idea," Sora nodded back.

They quickly slipped out of the party while everyone else was distracted by the music and dancing demons. Some of the guests tentatively were starting to dance themselves. Once out in the much quieter and emptier corridor, the two young men were able to talk without having to yell over the music. "So, you're training to be a knight?" Sora asked PJ.

The cat-thing nodded. "Yeah. As you can probably imagine, I get a lot of beef about my dad, so…"

"So you feel you have to do this to prove them wrong," Sora finished.

"Something like that," agreed PJ. "Of course, I _want_ to do this, too. As you've seen here, a big conflict looks to be brewing, and the Disney Kingdom—heck, all the worlds—will need as many good soldiers as they can get. I think I made the right choice in enlisting."

"Uh, speaking of which…did all the world leaders and my friends really leave the party? Were they ever here?" Sora asked.

PJ smiled at this. "Sure. Heck, Sora, a lot of them want to see you!"

"They do?" Sora asked in surprise.

"Sure, they said you had some explaining to do." Sora swallowed at this, and Roxas said, _I told you so._ "Yeah, a bunch of the leaders want you to testify."

Sora blinked at this. "Testify?"

PJ nodded. "Yeah, after the initial shock most of them got at learning there were so many worlds outside their own, and realized King Mickey wanted to ally with them and for them all to ally with each other, the smarter ones saw that even though they were from other planets it wasn't really that different than talking to people from other countries…just countries that are a long, long way away and populated by people the likes of which they'd never seen before. So they got down to diplomatic talks, once again at the encouragement of King Mickey, and a couple of your friends, to discuss the necessity of an alliance in the face of this really big military machine Maleficent's built up. Not all the leaders are certain they can trust the King though, or that the Heartless are really as bad as we say they are, so they want to hear firsthand from someone who's had the most experience with them, someone that many of them have met and they can trust…namely, you Sora."

"Me?!" Sora asked in disbelief.

_You?! _Agreed Roxas. _Well, guess Riku was right. King Mickey _does_ need to use you as a political pawn…_

PJ nodded. "A lot of the leaders haven't met you, but many have, as well as your friends from around the worlds, and they've testified to the others that you're a trustworthy guy. They decided to listen to what you have to say before making up their minds on whether or not to join forces with His Majesty."

"Whoa…" murmured Sora. "So…whether or not the worlds ally may hinge completely on what I say and if I'm convincing enough?"

_No pressure, right?_ Roxas said sarcastically.

PJ patted Sora reassuringly on the shoulder. "Don't worry, you can do it. We have faith in you. Heck, I never met you before today, but I still believed in you ever since I first learned who you were. You're kind of an inspiration to us knights in training, actually…"

"Uh, wow. Thanks," Sora said, flushing slightly. "So if they all wanted to hear what I had to say, why'd they leave?"

"Didn't like the atmosphere," PJ said, gesturing back to the room they had just left. "Honestly, can you blame them?"

"No, I guess not," Sora admitted. "But how will I find them, then?"

"We're having a bachelor party tonight for my dad," PJ told Sora. "All the male guests are invited, naturally, just as all the female guests are going to Maleficent's bachelorette party. The leaders (the male ones, anyway) intend to rendezvous there. We'll look out for you during the party and bring you to the leaders then. I don't suppose you have any female friends with you at the moment?"

"Actually, yes, I do," Sora said in surprise.

"Good, then she can testify to the female leaders at the bachelorette party. I think they might already be convinced of the necessity of an alliance, but every little bit helps." PJ glanced around. "Can you get back to your room okay? Because I have to get back to the party. His Majesty assigned me to keep an eye on my dad and Maleficent to see what kind of alliances they make and whatever plots they're up to."

"You're spying on your own dad?" Sora asked in surprise.

PJ winced. "…Royal orders. And…my duty to the kingdom takes precedence over duty to my father. Especially when…my father did what he did." PJ was silent for a moment. "Anyway, I have to go. I'll see you later, okay? My buddy Max is here too and he'd love to meet you as well."

Sora nodded, wondering once again what Pete had done that was so bad King Mickey had banished him from the kingdom. "Um…okay. I'll see you guys tonight, at the party. And…Donald and Goofy are here, right?"

PJ smiled. "Sure. They're not gonna let His Majesty out of their sight again…especially seeing as how whenever they do, he ends up disappearing. He's been absent for a year and a half, we're not going to let him run away from his responsibility to the kingdom again!" With that, PJ left.

Sora and Roxas began walking back to the room. "You know, I actually feel better now," Sora said in surprise.

_You do?_ Roxas asked.

Sora nodded. "Yeah, now that I know there's a chance of building a successful alliance against Maleficent…that gives me hope that we can stop her. If all the worlds work together, there's no telling what we can do!"

_Okay. So…which way do we go?_

Sora paused. They had arrived back at the intersection from before. "Uh…feel up to portalling?"

_And get mobbed by my fanclub again? Hell no._

Sora sighed. "Then I guess we have no choice but to trust in the Keyblade once more." He closed his eyes, lifted his giant key, and started spinning.

…

"You guys never mentioned you knew Sora, the hero of the Keyblade," Yuna said once they were well on their way to Sora and his mother's house.

"Huh? You mean you know him too?" asked a surprised Tidus.

"Man, he really _does_ get all the luck…" Wakka grumbled.

"You didn't _abduct_ him or anything, did you?" Selphie asked suspiciously.

Rikku giggled. "No…though we did try to steal from him or spy on him because the darkest fairy Maleficent paid us to…well, actually we were supposed to do that to Leon, but he didn't have any real treasure so we tried to mug Sora, but he wouldn't let us have his money or stuff, so…"

"We gave him a Keychain," Paine finished.

Tidus raised an eyebrow. "A Keychain?"

Wakka laughed. "What the heck is he supposed to do with a girly thing like that, mon?!"

"Uh, he's the chosen wielder of the Keyblade, a magic sword shaped like a key and with the same powers," Yuna pointed out. "He can customize it and change its shape by fastening various keychains to it."

"…Oh. Uh, I take back the girly thing then," Wakka said, his face as red as his hair.

"He _really_ didn't say anything about us?" Rikku pouted. "After we gave him that nice keychain and even helped defend Hollow Bastion from being completely overrun by Heartless?"

"Nope," said Tidus apologetically.

"Not a thing," agreed Wakka.

"Maybe because they _brainwashed _him so he wouldn't remember being probed by them!" Selphie shrieked and was ignored.

Rikku scowled. "Okay, he's certainly not getting any holiday cards anytime soon."

"It probably would have helped if we hadn't been on the wrong side to begin with when we first met him," Yuna said in Sora's defense. "Why did we work for Maleficent again?"

"We needed the money," said Paine. "Though her hazard pay sucked."

"And we didn't get any dental either," Rikku complained. "And our severance package was minimal at best."

"I had no idea Sora came from a place like this…but now that I think about it, even though we only knew him for a short while, this place fits him like a glove," Yuna commented. "Much as it fits you three who live here."

Tidus flushed and Wakka laughed. "Aw, thanks Yuna."

"I'm on to you, _alien_," Selphie hissed suspiciously, eyeing Yuna ominously. Or trying to, and just managing to look really deranged.

"So, what's Sora's mom like?" Rikku asked as they continued. "She sounded like a real tough girl! Sort of like Paine…"

"Well…I wouldn't say _that_…" Wakka said with a smirk. "Not like _Paine_, anyway." The goth fairy in question huffed.

"She's not a 'tough girl', exactly," Tidus said. "She's kind of…quirky, I guess."

"Quirky?" Rikku looked at Selphie, who was animatedly talking to a rather large beetle that had landed in her palm. "Like her?"

"Naw, Sora's mom's way saner," Wakka scoffed as Selphie giggled and squished the beetle between her hands then chewed up its entrails. "She can just be a little…well, weird sometimes. And very scary dangerous, if you make her mad or make her think her son's in danger!"

"Yeah," Selphie said, smiling with bug goo sliming down her teeth. "Sora's all she's got because she doesn't have a husband. Nobody knows who Sora's dad is or where he really came from. Some don't even think he's Ms. Hikari's kid at all but somebody she found one day! My favorite theory is that he fell from the _stars_." She looked up into the sky dreamily at this. "Which means he might be the advance scout for an all-powerful race of alien warriors and will conquer our planet in the name of his people when he reaches a certain age and the hidden genetic programming in his brain activates."

"But she makes great cookies," Wakka said.

"And brownies," Tidus agreed. "And her pancakes are out of this world!"

"Which would make sense, if she's an alien too, and gave birth to Sora to help prepare the planet for her evil masters…" Selphie muttered crazily.

"She's pretty much the best cook in town," Wakka said. "All our parents who cook are kinda jealous of her…or they would be if they weren't too busy stuffing their faces with the goodies she whips up for the holidays and special occasions."

"Oh, maybe she'll give us something to eat," Rikku whined. "Since we didn't get anything to eat back at Tidus' house!"

"Eh heh, whoops, sorry about that," Tidus said, embarrassed.

"It's all right," Yuna claimed, defending Tidus. "After all, we can always eat later, and telling Ms. Hikari her son's whereabouts takes precedence over our own hunger."

"That's easy for you to say," Rikku grumbled. "Since you can just conjure food whenever you want. Why do I have to be so bad at spells?"

"Because you are. Get over it," Paine said flatly. She was still trying to figure out what was wrong with Auron. Something about the way he smelled…

Soon enough, they reached Sora and his mom's house, the large and cheerful white-painted lighthouse used to guide vessels into the island bay in the dark of night or especially violent storms, which there were plenty of in a tropical island paradise. The lighthouse grew out of the back of a much smaller building, a two-story home with cream walls and colorful murals painted here and there, something Ms. Hikari did in her spare time to express herself. (Cooking and lighthouse keeping wasn't her only joy, after all.) A large stormwall was built around the perimeter of the lawn facing the ocean to protect the vital structure from floods or tidal surges, and there was still plenty of beach sloping down toward the sea from the other side of the wall to make room for a small dock and boathouse with a couple of rafts, spare canoes and one sailboat waiting to be used for travel or emergency uses.

"Wow," said an amazed Yuna. "This is where Sora lives?"

"Yep," Wakka said. "Him and his mom. We've had some great sleepovers here…and the house and lighthouse tower are full of nooks and crannies we used to play hide and seek in back when we were younger."

"Selphie always won those games," Tidus said. "In fact, sometimes she hid so well that we couldn't find her for hours and just…forgot about her for a while. But the smell of Ms. Hikari's dinners…or breakfasts…always lured her out from wherever she had stowed herself away."

"If it weren't for that food, I might still be lost in that house," Selphie said sunnily. "And then one day decades from now somebody might find my withered, mummified corpse and scream and scream and scream!" She giggled, and everyone gave her wary looks and took a few steps away from her.

"I've always wondered what it was like to live in a lighthouse…" Rikku mused, changing the subject. "We have oceans back in Fairyworld, but I kind of grew up in a desert region. No oceans for miles and miles. And miles."

Paine frowned. "Hmm…the Chosen Keybearer of Light's last name is Hikari, which means Light, and he lives in a _light_house…do you suppose the Powers that Be could be any less obvious? I thought they were supposed to make things like this more subtle."

"Maybe they wanted to do it differently for a change," Yuna suggested.

They walked down the cobblestone path from the main road towards the lighthouse's front door, passing several lush and vibrant flowerbeds. (Gardening, another joy of Sora's mom. She had plenty of hobbies, most of them acquired when her son was absent for a year and she, along with everyone else, sort of forgot about him.) They were lucky enough to catch Ms. Hikari just as she was walking out the door…wearing combat fatigues, heavy-duty hiking boots, a thick cooking pot for a helmet, bandoliers crossing her plump chest with numerous pieces of cutlery hanging from them, all of which looked capable of cutting or gouging flesh off of any creature unlucky enough to piss Ms. Hikari off (Even the spoons. They were blunt, but that just made it so much more painful.), a couple of machetes and axes hanging from her belt, and a very large backpack packed with who-knew-what strapped to her back. Ms. Darlene Hikari herself was a brown-haired, blue-eyed woman (much like her son), but her longish brown hair was now tied up in a bun, her eyes were hidden behind shades, and most of her slightly chubby face was covered in the traditional war paint used by the ancient islanders whenever they went off to battle.

"Wow," said a stunned Rikku.

"That's Sora's mom?" whispered an incredulous Yuna.

Paine whistled, impressed. "I thought you said she wasn't a 'tough girl'."

"She's not, really," Tidus said anxiously.

"Yeah, she just collects weapons for a hobby and spends some of her free time learning how to use them properly. How do you think Sora got so good with a sword?" Wakka said.

"I want to be like Ms. Hikari when I grow up…" Selphie said dreamily. "As long as she's not an evil alien, that is."

"Hey, Ms. Hikari!" Tidus called to the woman as she walked towards them. "Going somewhere?"

"Yes, into the jungle," she said, smiling cheerfully at them, an expression incongruous with her attire and war paint. "To look for the Crusaders, since they happen to be out. Sora should have been home for lunch a while ago, and when he never showed up I rowed out to the playground island where he went earlier to meet Kairi and Riku…but they were nowhere to be found…and all their canoes were still there, which suggests foul play. I'm going out into the jungle to find the Crusaders and get their help in searching for Sora, Riku and Kairi…if the black aliens or some other threat is responsible, they need to know about it."

"Why didn't she notice the burning wreckage of our ship?" Rikku whispered to Yuna.

"Because we salvaged the cloaking device and got it to cover our stuff before we left, remember?" Yuna whispered back.

"Oh yeah."

"Uh, you don't have to go all the way out into the jungle Ms. Hikari," Wakka said quickly.

"Yeah, we happened to see them just a short while ago," Tidus said, about to lie about seeing the trio in town on their way here so as to alleviate Ms. Hikari's worries.

"They blasted off into outer space!" Selphie shrieked, totally ruining Tidus' plan.

"Selphie!" the blond hissed.

Ms. Hikari frowned. "Did they now? Hmm, I distinctly recall telling Sora he was _not_ to leave this planet for any reason. I'll have to alert Riku and Kairi's parents so they can stop worrying…" The group stared at Ms. Hikari, dumbfounded by how calmly she seemed to be taking this, rather than panicking like they had expected. Well, most of them were dumbfounded, Selphie was eating some of Ms. Hikari's flowers, taking advantage of the woman's distraction to indulge in one of her favorite forbidden foods. "I explicitly warned Sora not to do this. When he gets back, I'm going to have to ground him and his brother, again."

"Brother?" asked the confused Wakka.

"Yes, the one that lives in his head." The friends exchanged glances, wondering perhaps if Ms. Hikari was as deranged as Selphie after all. "Oh well, I suppose I won't be needing all this then…" Ms. Hikari said, referring to her current outfit. "I'll go change shortly and wait for Sora to get back. Thank you for telling me, Tidus, Wakka…and it's delightful to meet you at last, Yuna, Rikku, and Paine. It's so wonderful to meet lovely fairies like yourselves."

The group all started at this. "Wh-what?! How did you know who we were?!" cried a startled Yuna.

"And that we're fairies?!" agreed Rikku.

"Who told you?!" Paine asked angrily, drawing her sword.

"ZEE OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed, spitting out dirt and roots. "SORA'S MOM IS PSYCHIC! SHE REALLY IS AN ALIEN!"

"No dear, just observant," Ms. Hikari said with a frown. "And if you keep eating my flowers, you'll never get any of my brownies ever again." Selphie whimpered and quickly put the flower she had been about to eat back in the ground. "I knew who you were the moment I saw you. For one thing, you look exactly like Sora described you."

"Oh, so he did tell someone!" cheered Rikku as Paine grunted and put her sword away.

"Man, he tells his mom but not his buddies about some super-hot fairy chicks? That's so messed up, ya…" Wakka complained.

"Well, maybe he thought we'd laugh hysterically at him if he mentioned them…like we did when he told us about how he'd turned into a lion…and sang in an underwater musical…and met Santa Claus…and had a talking dog, duck, and cricket for traveling companions…" Tidus reasoned.

"Also, your clothing and hairstyles don't match any of the current trends teenagers follow in any country around the world," Ms. Hikari continued. "I may be an adult, but that doesn't mean I don't keep an eye on fashion to make sure my little Sora doesn't wear anything inappropriate just because he saw some tourist wearing it. So, since your styles are so different, I reasoned you had to be from another world. Plus, there's the fact that you've appeared not long after I saw a shooting star crash down to the playground island not long ago with a great deal of smoke and fire…and yet when I got there, there was no sign of an explosion caused by impact, other than a lot of displaced sand, which would suggest that if there _was_ a crash, it was quickly covered up somehow."

"I suppose that makes sense…" Yuna admitted.

"Also, you and Rikku have swirly eyes that no human on this world has, so that was also a dead giveaway," added Ms. Hikari. "But the real clincher was…you're all floating a millimeter off the ground."

The fairies looked down and found, to their surprise, that they were indeed floating a millimeter off the ground, their feet not touching the cobbled path. "Oh yeah…" said an embarrassed Rikku. "Force of habit."

"Can't believe we missed that…" muttered Paine.

"It's all right," Ms. Hikari said. "I don't think anyone else did either. But seeing you three has made me certain Sora and the others will be back all right…it's a very lucky day! I've seen three stray shooting stars that might be leftovers from the shower this morning (though I think at least one, or perhaps all of them, might have been spacecraft now), and you're the second group of fairies I've seen since noon!"

Everyone looked alarmed at this. "_Three_ shooting stars?" said a confused Tidus.

"_Second_ group of fairies?!" cried an alarmed Rikku. "As in, another group before us?!"

"OH EM GEE!" Selphie screamed. "THE ALIENS ARE INVADING!" She ran off, shrieking at the top of her lungs, ran into the stormwall, and knocked herself out.

"Yes, three shooting stars, and two groups of fairies," Ms. Hikari reaffirmed, looking untroubled. "Two only a few minutes apart around noon, and a third a short while after. Both of the first two looked as if they went near the playground island, but as I said before I didn't see any signs of them when I looked over there, other than a lot of displaced sand, and I don't know where the third one went. Around the other side of the island, maybe."

"Those first two shooting stars must have been Sora, Kairi and Riku's ship coming to the island," Tidus realized. "Followed by Yuna, Rikku, and Paine's ship crash landing. But a third star…does that mean another ship's crashed?!"

"Whoa, maybe Selphie was right!" said an alarmed Wakka. "Maybe we really are being invaded!"

"No, Ms. Hikari said second group of fairies…which means the first one must have come from that ship! Am I right?" Yuna asked.

Ms. Hikari nodded. "Yes, and they didn't make as big an attempt to disguise themselves as you did…none at all, actually, it was pretty obvious to me they were fairies, since they were small and floating and everything."

"If there are other fairies here, with a ship, that means we can ask them to give us a lift back to Fairyworld," Paine said. "Or at least ask them for help fixing the Celsius."

"Ms. Hikari, what did these fairies say to you when you saw them?" Yuna asked.

Ms. Hikari frowned, trying to recall. "They asked me, quite rudely I might add, if there were any treasures or valuables in town they could steal."

"Treasures and valuables? Uh oh…this sounds familiar…" said Rikku, narrowing her eyes.

"You didn't tell them there was anything here, did you?" Tidus asked worriedly.

Ms. Hikari shook her head. "Of course not. I told them that we were a simple island community which got most of its income from a tourist industry and so had nothing of interest they might want, unless they wanted to purchase it, that is, and then offered to sell them some of the paintings or statuary I make in my spare time. This frustrated them, so they asked if there happened to be any ruins of ancient civilizations nearby, presuming that those ruins must have had treasure, I suppose. And I told them the truth, which is that those ruins have long been emptied of treasure for years by either greedy plunderers or archaeologists."

"That's a relief," Wakka said. "Wouldn't want them stealing any of our cultural heritage…good thing Ms. Hikari didn't tell them that most of that removed treasure's now in a museum in town, ya?"

"Which, fortunately enough, is closed for repairs," Tidus agreed. "Though I suppose that wouldn't stop _really_ determined thieves…"

"Great, there goes one source of potential excitement…" Paine grumbled.

Ms. Hikari frowned again. "Oh dear…now that I think about it, I did mention there _were_ a few ruins that were never fully plundered or studied by the archaeological community, due to the rather dangerous and so-far unpassable booby traps and ancient guardians protecting them, and so probably still had some treasure in them. And while I didn't tell them _where_ those ruins were, they could probably have found out by asking around town or looking in one of the guidebooks made for tourists."

Tidus moaned. "Great, this can't be good."

"Who are these guys anyway?! I didn't know fairies could be evil!" said an alarmed Wakka. "Well, other than that Maleficent person…and those elf dude…"

"Fairies, just like humans, come in all kinds," Yuna said. "Ms. Hikari, this is very important. Did those fairies happen to be two men and one women, one man short and squat and the other tall and skinny, with the woman wearing rather revealing clothing? All three wearing rather bizarre purple-and blue outfits, with heart-shaped emblems on them? (Not to be confused with Heartless emblems, of course)"

"As it so happens, they did," Ms. Hikari said.

"I take it you know these fairies?" Tidus asked the girls.

Rikku nodded. "Yep! They're the Leblanc gang, a rival group of treasure hunters. Sort of like us, but not as nice, and with a worse fashion sense."

"We've clashed with them over treasure and other things many times," said Paine. "But we manage to come out on top most of the time…because really, they just suck."

"Their leader is Leblanc," Yuna explained. "A woman who has, among other things, tried to impersonate me in an attempt to win fame and prizes in a talent contest."

"But she lost, of course, since her voice didn't match up even remotely to Yunie's stunning song!" Rikku chirped, hugging her cousin playfully. Tidus made a note to himself to hear Yuna sing sometime.

"I take it then that these guys wouldn't have a problem with stealing some of our ancestor's treasure then, huh?" Wakka said.

Paine nodded. "The Leblanc gang has fewer restrictions on who they steal from then we do. Under regular circumstances, we'd probably try and take the treasure too…but we'd have asked for permission first. Made sure you weren't using it."

"Leblanc's not that bad, really," Yuna said, feeling compelled to defend her rival. "She's just…complicated. She's besotted with Nooj, one of the higher-ranking members of fairy society, and she thinks that by amassing enough wealth she can reach his level and marry him without anyone making fun of her for it."

Ms. Hikari frowned. "And she thinks this Nooj would marry her simply because she was wealthy? I certainly hope he's not really that shallow…"

"He's not," Yuna assured her. "He's actually very fond of Leblanc…but I think secretly Leblanc feels she's not good enough for him, and believes she can prove her worth by making herself rich by any means possible."

Paine shook her head in disgust. "You almost make her sound like a regular person."

"That's our Yunie!" Rikku chirped. "Can't help but say good things about everyone, even our worst enemies!"

"Well, if they're going to try and steal our heritage, we've gotta do something about it!" Wakka said firmly.

"Yeah, let's get the Crusaders!" Tidus agreed.

Wakka blinked. "What? No way brudda, they're too far away, and busy fighting that big monster. I meant we should do it!"

Tidus blinked. "Who, us?"

"Sure, you wished for something exciting to happen today, didn't you? And now that it is, you aren't really thinking of backing off, are you?" Wakka pressed.

"Uh…" Tidus blinked, then smirked. "No, I guess not."

"Hold up, what makes you think we'll _let_ you guys come with us to stop Leblanc's gang?" asked Paine with a frown. "Seeing as how we've had tons more experience with her and ruins than you have."

"Because we have the hometurf advantage," Wakka pointed out. "We know this island better than she does."

"Not to mention we learned in school where the remaining still-active ruins are," Tidus added. "One of the more interesting classes. And if those fairies headed where I think they are, the closest and most famous ruin to town, then you'll _definitely_ need us."

"Huh? What's the nearest still-active ruin?" Wakka said, confused.

"Why Wakka, I'd have thought you'd know better than anyone," said a surprised Ms. Hikari. "Lord Ohalland's Tomb."

Wakka gasped in horror and fell to his knees. "No! Anywhere but that!"

"Who's Ohalland?" asked a confused Rikku.

"That guy who founded the main sport here, Blitzball, remember?" said Yuna.

"Oh yeah…"

"They couldn't go there! It's one of the most sacred places to all Blitzball players!" cried a horrified Wakka. "Every Blitzball player worth his or her salt makes a pilgrimage there at least once in their lives to pay homage to the founder of the best sport ever!"

"Which gives them all the more reason to go there," said Paine coldly. "As off-worlders, they don't care if a place is sacred or not, as long as it has treasure. Though I don't quite see what kind of treasure the tomb of some dead ball player has…"

"You'd be surprised! Folklore, historical texts, and Ohalland's own will say there _is _treasure in there," argued Ms. Hikari. "Some of the most valuable in these islands, especially to a Blitzball fan."

"The very first Crystal Cup, prize for the very first Blitzball world championship…" Wakka whispered reverently. "And Lord Ohalland's personal Blitzball, dipped in gold before he died. Either of those things are worth a fortune…" He leapt to his feet. "There's no way we're letting those dirty rats take them!"

"You have to take us with you," Tidus insisted. "If Leblanc did go to the tomb—which she must have, it's the closest to town and the most widely publicized in tourist brochures, as well as one of the few which is widely known for having a specific treasure--you'll need Wakka and me. Both of us are Blitzball fans and aspiring players, and like every good player we've memorized the plans for the tomb which were uncovered many years ago in the ruins of the very first Blitzball stadium ever built. So we know where the treasure is, and what obstacles lie between us and it!"

"If these plans are so widely-known, then why has nobody stolen the treasure before now?" asked a doubting Paine.

"Partly due to reverence of Lord Ohalland and the sport he's brought to our world," Ms. Hikari said. "And partly because even with those plans, the guardians and traps in the tomb are too difficult for your average treasure hunter to get through."

"Well, we're not your average treasure hunters," said Rikku. "And neither are Leblanc's goons! Both of our teams have managed to get into supposedly impenetrable tombs and ruins before, and most of the time it was without plans too!"

"Yeah, but Lord Ohalland's will (and all the tourist brochures) states that only someone whose heart was truly in touch with Blitzball could enter the tomb," Wakka said. "And that's the truth, nobody who's not a big Blitzball fan or player has ever been able to enter the tomb…of course, not all of them have ever left it, either."

"But everyone on the island loves Blitzball…so if Leblanc's crew are as…well, not nice as you said they were, there's no reason they wouldn't kidnap some random fan and use him or her to enter the tomb. And since you guys don't love Blitzball, you'll need someone to help you get in too. Why not us?" challenged Tidus. "Especially since we have the plans in our heads and all."

"And we can fight, too!" Wakka added. "Well, sorta. I mean, we've been practicing for a while…ever since the black aliens invaded a year ago, we've taken training a lot more seriously, just in case something like that should ever happen again."

"They make a good argument," admitted Yuna.

"What do you think, Paine?" Rikku asked the goth.

"…" She sighed in exasperation. "Fine, if they think we need them so badly, they can come. But I'm not going to be wasting my time babysitting them, all right?"

"We'll take care of ourselves! Promise!" Tidus said.

"As long as you take Selphie too," Ms. Hikari said.

They all made a face. "Do we have to?" Rikku complained.

"You never know. She might come in handy," Ms. Hikari said. "And I don't want her eating my flowers again when she wakes up."

"If you say so," Wakka said doubtfully.

"Okay then…" Yuna said. "We know what we have to do, guys! Let's go!" In a flash of sparkles and magic, Yuna reverted to her true shape and size and struck a pose in the air, whipping out her two guns and twirling them in her hands. "Y! Yuna!" Blue smoke exploded behind her.

Rikku returned to her true form, pulled out a pair of curved daggers, and sliced the air with them before spinning around and flashing a smile at thin air. "R! Rikku!" Yellow smoke exploded behind her.

"Hmmph." Paine shrunk down to her true fairy size, whipped out her sword, and slashed it a few times masterfully through the air, swapping it between her hands and just generally showing off before bringing it down in a chop that almost sliced Tidus' nose off. "P! Paine!" Red smoke exploded behind her.

The fairies leaped backwards and froze next to each other, hovering in the air and posing together dramatically. "YRP! Go, Gullwings, go!" More multicolored smoke, and sparks, and fire exploded behind them, lighting Ms. Hikari's flowers on fire and causing Wakka to collapse to the ground foaming at the mouth in an epileptic seizure.

Tidus stared blankly. "…What the heck was that?"

"Oh, just something we do at the beginning of every mission," Yuna said. "It's a treasure hunter thing."

"Ah."

"My flowers!" Ms. Hikari cried, seeing that her garden was burning down.

The fairies flushed. "Um…whoops." Yuna quickly put out the flames with a Blizzard spell. "S-sorry, Ms. Hikari…"

The woman gave them a look that was almost a glare. Even Paine cringed. "I think," Sora's mother said after a moment. "That you should get going to that tomb now."

"Uh, yeah, great idea!" Rikku said, quickly grabbing the back of Tidus' shirt and dragging him away. "Let's go girls!"

"We're very sorry," Yuna apologized again, grabbing Wakka by the foot and dragging him away as well, using fairy dust to make him lighter.

"…I have to take the crazy one, don't I?" Paine asked, deadpan. Ms. Hikari nodded. Paine sighed, flew over to the unconscious Selphie, and started dragging her after her companions, not really bothering to avoid the many rocks or hard bumpy things Selphie could hit her head on as she went.

Ms. Hikari sighed and looked down at the burnt flowers. "Oh well," she said, cheering up. "There's still the others. And it's not nearly as bad as when Sora was competing with his friends to see who could cast the biggest Fire spell." Stamping out the last of the embers, Ms. Hikari headed back inside to change and wait for both of her sons to return from deep space.

They would be in _so_ much trouble when they got home.

…

Apologies for the long chapter. I just had a lot to say, and needed space to say it in. Any connections you readers may find between my Church of Bob and any factual religion are purely coincidental, as I am not intending to disparage any organized religion currently in existence at all. Really.

Have a Merry Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or other winter holiday. See you next year!


	4. Last Night of Freedom pt 1

Okay, after what feels like a long break, I'm back. Let's get this show started. This chapter was so long I decided to split it in half, or thereabouts, but you'll still get the full experience. It'll just take a while for the other half to get here. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Other than Mastah S, and one other character, all the characters here are owned by other corporations and not myself. Try and figure out where all of the 'guest stars' in this chapter or the next are from! One should be easily recognizable to long-time fans of my work!

Warning: If frequent mentions or hints of sex or drinking offend you, leave now. (Should I up this story's rating to T?)

…

Night had fallen in Dark City. At least, Sora assumed it had. Since there wasn't any sun orbiting the dark world there wasn't any actual such thing as day or night here, but he supposed it was more convenient to designate a certain period of time 'night' so that it would be easier for the city inhabitants who weren't Heartless or Nobodies to get some sleep.

Regardless, night had (supposedly) fallen, and when it had an escort had shown up at the door to Sora, Kairi, and Riku's room to take them to the bachelor and bachelorette parties set up for Pete and Maleficent. The trio (or sextet) were none too happy to have to be split up _again_, especially since it would leave Kairi and Namine all alone with Maleficent and a number of other evil villainesses, but when their home world was threatened again they were left with no choice but to give in.

Sora, Roxas, Riku and Xehanort had been taken to a busy hangar somewhere in the enormous flying castle and transported down to the city below in a small ship piloted by a cross-eyed Air Soldier and an exceptionally inept Dusk navigator, resulting in a ride that made Sora and Roxas' flying skills (or lack of) look like the mark of ace pilots in comparison. It was a wonder they hadn't crashed into any of the many, many towering skyscrapers which the navigator insisted they had to fly as closely to as possible, or the ships going in the opposite direction that the pilot felt compelled to rocket towards at maximum velocity before veering off at the last possible instant in an airborne game of Chicken which often resulted in the other ship crashing into a building or a different vessel and invariably causing huge aerial traffic jams which occasionally escalated into dogfights.

And it hadn't helped that there were no airsickness bags in the ship, which soon smelled awful thanks to Riku, who had a surprisingly weak constitution, something Xehanort derided him on as much as he could until Riku started singing "It's a Small World," which also had the unfortunate effect of terrifying the pilot and navigator enough that they portalled away, forcing Sora to quickly take the helm before they could crash.

Fortunately, they still managed to make it to their appointed landing site in one piece (although the ship did fall apart the instant they stepped out of it) and they were escorted by burly Kurt Zisa bouncers into the towering night club nearby, which had HOUSE OF VILLAINS written in giant glowing red neon letters over the entrance, framed by flickering electronic signs of Heartless and Nobody insignias, triple Xs, and images of lush female (they thought) figures doing anatomically impossible and disturbing things. Spotlights swung back and forth on the nightclub building's façade, roof, and sides, and illuminated the passing ships overhead. Even from outdoors the boys could hear loud, booming music from inside.

Once they had been led inside, the duo (or quartet) took in the rather vulgar and frightening displays around them. Very loud, almost deafening music boomed from giant sound systems manned by a demonic DJ with no clear rhythm or beat to it, rather a cacophony of sheer random noise which somehow blended together into a song people could dance to. And dance they did, in the large open space taking up most of the first floor of the club, lit by flickering seizure-inducing multicolored strobe lights and a disco ball. Several spiked torture cages dangled from the ceiling or were placed here and there on the ground, and in these cages were imported slave girls, Dancer Nobodies, female (?) Neoshadows and very feminine and curved Heartless, and some of the incredibly attractive demonesses Satan had brought with him, making very suggestive motions as they flung their bodies about and danced around poles, rubbing up against them in ways that made many of the watching partiers drool, hoot, or grab their crotches and pant like rutting dogs. (Actually, some of them were rutting dogs, but that's irrelevant.) More dancers pranced on a stage, strutting their stuff and stripping clothes (those who had any) to the enjoyment of the clubbers, all of which were male, which only made sense as it was a bachelor party. The large banner hanging over the stage said so, even if it did misspell Pete's name. The stage's backdrop was a large movie screen playing images of violence and pornography to heighten the villainous crowd's lust for both.

The first floor was one of many, the bottom of a tall open chamber with numerous higher terraces and levels jutting out from the walls looking down onto the dance floor from above. These upper levels were somewhat less raucous than the lower levels, occupied by tables and chairs for the more refined guests to sit in and dine while watching the dance and wild show below. There were multiple bars, one per floor or terrace, manned by Creeper and Neoshadow bartenders who mixed and brewed beverages by the barrelful for the many thirsty villains who wanted drinks. Tonberry chefs churned out platter after platter of food from the enormous kitchens to satisfy the varied appetites of the partygoers, seeing as how most of them were from different worlds around the universe and were therefore used to different meals.

Satan had commandeered the terrace with the best view at the highest level completely for himself and the other male villains of Maleficent's Dark Circle, along with the soon-to-be-wed Pete, where they enjoyed bouts of drunken debauchery and lechery with Satan's demonic whores the likes of which would sicken the most dedicated alcoholic or sex fiend as they watched the show and displayed flesh down below.

This was all way too much for a somewhat innocent G-rated (PG, on his worse days) young man like Sora to take. "HOLY…this is…what is this place?!"

"A night club," Riku observed, having seen some during his year of training with DiZ. "And a particularly mature one, too."

_We had night clubs back in Radiant Garden,_ Xehanort commented, watching the disgusting spectacle through Riku's eyes. _The other apprentices and I went out to have a good time after a long stressful day in the lab. I must say, none of them were ever this, well, mature, to coin Riku's term._

_Wow,_ said an impressed Roxas. _They actually did a pretty good job with this place. It was never this lively back when we were running it._

"Y-you've been here before?" Sora gasped, looking around in utter bewilderment and disgust at all the rather grotesque displays and behavior all around.

_Yeah, the older members of the Organization (as in, everyone who came before me) built a club in a desperate attempt for entertainment and to try and feel more human. Needless to say, it failed stupendously, mostly because (other than Larxene, who half the time doesn't count) we didn't have any women to ogle, as all the other female Organization members before me had either been murdered by Axel, died in horrible accidents, or killed themselves. We tried kidnapping women to look at, but the Heartless kept devouring them, and the Nobodies they left behind weren't nearly as appealing. Well, to be honest, they weren't appealing as humans either due to our lack of actual sex drives, but we _pretended_ they did,_ Roxas explained. _But after a while we just gave up trying here and visited other worlds for that sort of thing. I'm impressed with how much they've fixed this place up, though. Axel might have liked it here. You know, I think I lost my virginity for the first time in a place like this on some other world…_

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Sora cried, earning him weird looks from partiers, who quickly moved away from him.

"I thought you'd lost your sex drives," Riku pointed out.

_Didn't mean we couldn't DO it if we wanted,_ Roxas said with a shrug. _Life in the Castle that Never Was involved long periods of tedium broken by periodic moments of insanity and mass violence. We needed something to do with our time other than spar or try to beat the shit out of each other. Heck, I've slept with most of the Organization at one time or another. The older guys said I made them feel younger somehow…_

"What part of TOO MUCH INFORMATION DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!" Sora screamed, banging his head repeatedly on a nearby pole and getting a confused look from the dancer wrapped around it. Xehanort cackled maniacally until Riku threatened to sing a certain song, shutting him up. He sympathetically put a hand on his friend's shoulder when Sora finally stopped hitting himself, staggering and a little dazed. Riku hoped that his best friend didn't have a concussion. "We don't belong here," Sora said despondently. "This isn't the world for us. I want to go home…"

"This may not be a pleasant place, but we have no choice but to be here," Riku pointed out. "Otherwise the Destiny Islands will be destroyed. In any event, if we're here, that means the King and everyone else are here too. If we can find them, we can join in on that diplomatic conference you told us about and get away from all this!"

"Oh yeah," Sora said, cheering up instantly at the prospect of seeing his friends. "Good idea, Riku. But…" He looked around uncertainly. "Where can we find them in all this?"

Riku frowned thoughtfully and sniffed the air. "Hmm…there's too many bodies here. I can't pick up Mickey's scent from all the others."

_Let's think about this rationally,_ suggested Roxas. _If the King's arranged for them all to have a conference to discuss a possible union against Maleficent, then they're probably all in the same place. There's too much commotion here on the main floor, so they're probably on one of the upper levels and terraces, where they can get some more privacy and quiet. That's where Xemnas held meetings whenever, for whatever reason, we were all in a place like this._

"Good thinking, Roxas," said a relieved Sora, deciding to leave his other questions for his brother for a later date. "Let's go check it out, Riku."

The duo started off across the dance floor, sticking close to each other and using their Keyblades to push through the rowdy dancers and jumped-up villains and henchmen. Sora tried very hard not to look at the people in the cages, not because he pitied them, but because he was disturbed by what they were doing and how much they seemed to be _enjoying _it. In doing so, however, he didn't notice some heads turn in their direction as they passed, and as some of those dancers abruptly got out of their cages and followed, much to the disappointment of the lusty men who had been watching them.

Just before the boys could reach the stairs, they found their way blocked by a blue-skinned demoness with three horns and as many eyes…and other parts of the female anatomy. "What'sss thisss?" she hissed, her forked tongue flicking out of her mouth sensually. "Going sssomewhere?"

"Mmmm…" Riku yelped as another demoness grabbed him from behind and took a deep sniff of his hair. "His scent is magnificent…so rich…and _dark_…" She sighed in a way which caused her rather generous assets to bounce in an almost hypnotizing manner that Sora had to shield his eyes from, much to Roxas' disappointment.

"Not like Master Satan's…but still, so invigorating…so fresh, something new, with the promise of such power…" agreed a third demoness, licking Riku's cheek.

"Uh, Riku…" Sora said anxiously as many more demonesses began clustering around them. "I think you have more fangirls."

Riku groaned. "Oh great, like the girls at school aren't bad enough. Damn my sexy bishounen looks! Damn them! Well, not really, I'd rather be handsome than ugly, but still…"

"Hmm? Oh no, you're actually quite plain by demon standards. You are just a mortal, after all," another demoness said disparagingly, stroking Riku's chest as many other eager demonesses crowded around the boy, pushing Sora out of the way. "But your aura is…_intoxicating…_"

_Hmmph, it must be me they're smelling,_ said an irritated Xehanort. _I would be more flattered if they were not common whores. Leave them Riku, we must be off! Perhaps that rodent king will know of a way we can stop this wedding from taking place…_

"Yeah Riku, we have to go," Sora said anxiously, and not the least bit jealous of his friend, though Roxas was slightly. He tried forcing his way back through the growing crowd of demons. "I'm sure you can talk to all your…ah…new friends later…"

"Um, yes," Riku said, trying to work his way out of the increasing number of arms holding and caressing him. "Not that I'm not flattered, ladies, but I really have to be going, I've got a king to see about an alliance. And I'm probably far too young for you anyway."

"Oh, pish posh!" said a demon fondling Riku's hair. "I'm only five billion years old, that's nothing!" Riku and Sora's eyes bulged at this, and Riku struggled all the harder.

"Ladies, please-" he said anxiously.

"Oh no," a demoness whispered seductively into his ear. "We're not letting you go."

"We _never_ let someone as yummylicious as you go without getting to taste him first…and maybe for him to taste us, too," another demon whispered into Riku's other ear.

"Sora, help!" Riku cried, feeling slightly embarrassed rather than frightened, having to be saved from horny attractive women wasn't something most men would be pleased with.

"Riku!" Sora charged forward, only for the demonesses to close circle around Riku, blocking him from Sora's view in a ring three demons deep. The succubi all glared at Sora with smoldering gazes from their many eyes, some of which were in rather disturbing places.

"He's ours now," one demoness hissed. "Get your own!"

"You can have him back when we're through with him," another demon promised. "Though that may not be for a very, VERY long time…we haven't been able to enjoy a soul like this for aeons."

"But until then…get lost!" The demon shoved Sora rudely, her demonic strength sending him flying and crashing through several of the jealous and angry males who had gathered around to see why Riku was stealing all of the most attractive women for himself. Sora hit the ground on the dance floor, knocking over several people, and almost got stomped on by the feet of a very large disco-dancing evil robot and its partner before he could get up. He rolled out of the way with battle-trained reflexes and jumped to his feet, but was jostled from behind by a dancer before he could get his bearings, and was thus knocked into another dancer, and then another, and another, and bounced back and forth and bumped between so many people that by the time he managed to claw his way out of the thrashing mass of bodies he was clear on the other side of the room, and Riku and the demonesses were nowhere to be found.

"Oh no…" Sora whispered, his heart sinking. "Riku…not again!"

_He's been kidnapped by uber-hot demons before?_ Asked a surprised Roxas.

"…No, I meant again as in, he's been taken away from me by dark forces again."

_Oh, okay. Guess we have to rescue him, huh?_

Sora nodded. "Yes."

_You know, I don't _really_ think he's in any danger…_

"Roxas!"

_Fine, fine, we'll save him,_ Sora's alter ego grumbled. _Sheesh…you really have the hots for him, don't you?_

"Roxas!"

_What?_

…

Kairi wasn't having a particularly good time either at that moment.

"It's been so long since we've all been together like this, isn't it girls?" an ugly warty green witch named Gruntilda asked, wrapping her scarf around her neck and cackling, revealing her three remaining teeth.

"Well, we're not as young as we used to be," lamented the old hag Madame Mim. "We all have our own lives now, and more than enough to occupy our time."

"Kingdoms to overthrow," agreed the incredibly old and ugly Yzma.

"Causes to champion," added the green-skinned (but much less ugly than Gruntilda) Elphaba.

"Magic to perfect," said the sorceress Ultimecia.

"Heroes to defeat," said the red-haired Wuya with a grimace, the other witches making similar faces of disgust and nodding in agreement.

"Nemeses to slay," said the sorceress Nimue darkly.

"Families to raise," grunted the wrinkled Yubaba, thinking of her (very) big baby boy.

"Idiot husbands to keep under control," shrieked Rita Repulsa.

"Wannabe paramours to keep away," said an irritated Lady Bane.

"Schemes to plot," said the duck witch Magica DeSpell with a sigh.

"And all of the other minutiae that keep you occupied on a day-to-day basis," finished Mirage, smiling cattily. (Like she could smile any other way)

"All part of being a witch in the modern age," Maleficent agreed. "And at least we could get together for this special occasion…namely, my wedding. I am very grateful that you could come, my old coven."

"How could we stay away? Especially with all the pretty men," Gruntilda cackled, causing all the many witches present to cackle as well and make Kairi even uneasier.

After being separated from Sora and Riku, Kairi had been taken along with Maleficent's female friends and guests to another night club, though this one was far less rowdy and involved male strippers instead of female ones. And while they were indeed handsome to look at (even if many of them weren't exactly human or even close to it), especially when they came by the table to show off their goods, Kairi wasn't really that interested, or perhaps would have been if she hadn't been forced to sit at a table with a large group of evil witches (Maleficent called them her 'coven') and listen to them cackle maniacally, tell inside jokes, and discuss all the sorts of lovely spells they could cast by disemboweling her and using her innards for magical ingredients.

"She has such lovely hair," whispered one of the three Fates, Lachesis, stroking Kairi's hair and peering at her through the single eyeball the three seamstresses shared.

"And her skin is so soft," agreed Clotho, snatching the eyeball from the protesting Lachesis' socket and rubbing her hand across Kairi's cheek.

"And her eyes are such a beautiful shade of blue," finished the aged Atropos, yanking the eyeball from Clotho and sticking it in her single socket. "Wouldn't you like them, girls?"

"Oh, yes," they said, hands flexing and giving Kairi the impression that they would like nothing better than to pull out her eyeballs and use them for themselves. Kairi wriggled uncomfortably and Namine, still somewhat traumatized by Zexion's experiment, whimpered pathetically.

"If you take her eyes, then I get her teeth," Gruntilda declared, wiggling one of her three between her fingers. "Lord knows I could use some replacements."

"And I could use her skin," said Mim, rubbing her own very wrinkled cheek. "My complexion isn't working for me. And it's not something that shape-shifting really seems to help, either."

"Are you a virgin, dear?" Yzma asked eagerly. A lot of the other witches leaned in enthusiastically at this.

Recalling an old story she had heard that some evil witches tried to preserve their youth by bathing in virgin's blood, Kairi quickly said, "Well, I've slept with a man." This was not exactly a lie, for she had slept between Sora and Riku many times on the beach or at sleepovers, warmed by their bodies. By the witches' looks of disappointment, Kairi knew she had made the right choice.

"You ladies may divide her up as much as you like, as long as I get her heart," Maleficent said cheerfully, stroking her raven, one of many familiars present at this gathering. (Most of the others were cats, but more unique ones to note were Elphaba's flying monkey and Wuya's whimpering red-haired teenaged human in a dark trenchcoat dragged around on a leash.) She paused for a moment as the Neoshadow servers, clad in jockstraps rather than tuxedos, delivered their meals, along with a very large dish covered by a platter. "But while it's gratifying that so many of us could be here today, let us not forget those who couldn't make it due to being slain by foolish do-gooders or other unnatural causes…or (ugh) converted. As fellow Sisters of the Coven of '68, they deserve a moment of silence before we continue on this joyous evening." The other witches nodded or grunted in agreement, though many seemed frustrated that they were being kept from eating a moment longer, and bowed their heads in silence.

"Okay, moment's over," screeched Gruntilda, whipping off the platter on the large dish the servers had brought, revealing the steamed body of Morgana Octopus, who had unfortunately died of dehydration earlier that day. "Let's eat!"

And so, as Kairi watched in growing disgust, the witches began to dig into the corpse of one of the very fellows they had just honored a moment ago.

…

The Gullwings, after conjuring some equipment from the wreck of the Celsius, followed the trio of Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka to the ancient ruins of Lord Ohalland's tomb, confident in the abilities of their native guides to lead them to the tomb's treasure before Leblanc and her gang could reach it.

Their confidence was completely misplaced.

"None of this looks the least bit familiar," said a confused Wakka. "Did we go in the wrong tomb?"

Paine sighed in exasperation for the millionth time. "As I've already said, NO, we didn't, because if we had there wouldn't have been a large billboard saying OHALLAND'S TOMB outside this place!"

"I think we go…um…that way…maybe…" said a completely clueless Tidus, pointing vaguely away from the group.

"It's that way, I'm sure of it!" Wakka countered, pointing down the exact same corridor they had come down.

"No, it's that way!" yelled Tidus, not wanting to look wrong in front of Yuna, pointing in a completely random direction in the large intersection of corridors they had come to.

"I thought you two said you'd memorized the plans for this place," said an annoyed Paine.

"Yeah, usually it's me who gets us lost, not somebody else!" agreed Rikku.

"Well…uh…perhaps _memorized_ was too strong a word," Wakka said, laughing nervously.

"By memorized, we really meant…um…skimmed," Tidus agreed weakly.

The fairies groaned. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Selphie shrieked.

"Tidus, I'm very disappointed in you," said an angry Yuna. "I thought you knew what you were doing! I trusted you."

Tidus' heart sank, realizing he had screwed up big time. "W-wait!" Wakka stammered in an attempt to redeem himself. "It's all good! I remember now, we go this-"

CLIK! Went the flagstone Wakka just stepped on that sank into the ground.

"Way?"

RUMMBL! Went the giant flaming blitzball that began rolling towards them from down one of the halls. All of them shrieked this time, not just Selphie, and quickly began running for their lives.

"Wakka, if we get out of this, you're dead!" Tidus yelled at his best friend.

"I second that!" Paine agreed, waving her sword as they flew from the giant sphere.

"Man, I can't do ANYTHING right!" Wakka wailed.

"I know the feeling…" Rikku grumbled, her flight path wavering and accidentally causing her to bump into the arm of one of the statues of Lord Ohallan's blitzball team lining the hall. "Ow!"

CLIK!

The floor suddenly dropped open, sending Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie plummeting into darkness. "WAAAAAUUUUGGHHH!"

Rikku paled. "Whoops."

"Wait, that's it! Quick, get down there!" Yuna commanded, flying down into the hole. The other two fairies quickly followed just as the giant flaming blitzball bore down on them, falling off the lip of the trapdoor and plugging up the shaft it opened onto, stopping its forward progress…but also blocking the way out for the trepid adventurers. They were going to need to find another way out, assuming they lived that long…

…

Sora and Roxas had promptly set out to find Riku and, unsurprisingly, got very lost and disoriented in the crowd. It was impossible for Sora to keep his bearings with dancers always knocking him off balance with their wild gyrations and making it extremely difficult to concentrate, and the tried-and-true method of loudly calling Riku's name in hopes he'd answer didn't work due to the noise from the crowd on the dance floor.

Not only that, Sora still saw no sign that his other friends were there. In a place this big, he had as much chance finding them as he did the bathroom, not that he needed one at the moment. (Yet.) "RIKU?" Sora called loudly anyway, just to make certain his friend wouldn't answer. "KING MICKEY? ANYONE?" There was, unsurprisingly, no answer. But hey, he had to try.

_They're probably on one of the upper levels,_ Roxas pointed out.

"I know that," Sora snapped.

_Then…why are we still down here?_

Sora flushed. "I have no idea where the stairs are."

Ah. Well, if we find the wall, we can probably follow it until we reach the stairs, don't you think?

"Good idea." With this new goal in mind, Sora determinedly began wading his way through the crowd towards the far wall. At least, he hoped he was heading towards the far wall. He couldn't really see very well over all the people or monsters between him and there. But eventually, they did find the wall…and someone else too, which was a surprise to both the brothers.

"Cloud!" Sora cried in overjoyed surprise, grateful to see a friendly (ish) face among all these villains. "What are you doing here?"

Cloud, a tall young man with very spiky blond hair, a long black trenchcoat with only one sleeve, with a metal wolf's head buckle strapping the shoulderpad on his left arm on, and an enormous sword wrapped in bandages for some reason, didn't even really look at Sora, just stared off into the distance through half-lidded eyes. "I'm searching," he said enigmatically. "For my darkness. When I defeat him, I can finally rest."

_His darkness?_ Asked a confused Roxas.

"Sephiroth," Sora muttered, both to answer Roxas and reply to Cloud. "You think he came here? To this wedding?"

"I sensed him," Cloud said, still enigmatically. "I can smell his taint, his dark presence. He is near. I shall find him, and then I will defeat him, and end this nightmare for good."

"Oh, okay," Sora said. "Uh, by the way, have you seen Tifa recently?"

"…No," Cloud said brusquely.

"Really? Because I think she's been looking for you for a while. She implied as much when I met her." Sora frowned. "You're not…_avoiding_ her, are you Cloud? I mean, that's not very nice. She likes you a lot. It's kind of rude."

"…Sephiroth is my fight," Cloud said coldly. "She has nothing to do with it. It's between me and him, nobody else."

"Oh, so you're avoiding her because you don't want her to get hurt? Well…let me tell you from experience that's kind of a stupid idea, Cloud. That's just going to make her more determined to help you," Sora said with a frown.

Cloud frowned back. "Who asked you?" he said, even colder. "This is my life and Sephiroth is my business. Not yours."

Sora rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, you should probably join the same group Riku's going to for therapy…oh, and Sephiroth's right over there."

"What!" Whipping out his giant bandaged sword, Cloud whirled around and came face to face with his most hated nemesis. "SEPHIROTH!"

"Hello, Cloud," said Sephiroth calmly. He was a tall young man, well-muscled, wearing a long black coat with white metal pauldrons open at the front and revealing his impressive abdomen, which had a pair of crisscrossing straps over his chest and several belts wrapped around his lower torso. What looked like small demonic wings or fins grew from his lower arms. A pair of great black feathery wings poked out of the insides of the coat, spreading away from his legs and towards the ground, near his belted black boots. A third, much larger wing, sprouted from behind his right shoulderblade. In his left gloved fist he held a ridiculously long katana, its blade even longer than he was tall. His very long silver hair fluttered in a nonexistent breeze, strands of it blowing across his glowing green eyes. "Thank you for coming…to my reunion."

"Um, actually it's Maleficent's wedding," Sora pointed out, only to be ignored.

"As long as you exist, I can't wake from this nightmare," Cloud said dramatically. "You are my darkness."

Sephiroth gestured widely. "If that's so…I shall draw you into the darkness. Into the nightmare that forever deprives you of light, from which you can never awaken."

Sora blinked. Both mortal enemies drew their swords and began gathering power, Cloud crackling with red energy and Sephiroth with blue. Wineglasses shook, dust fell from the ceiling, the audio systems screeched, pebbles spontaneously levitated into the air, and a baby cried somewhere. With a quick move from his free hand, Sephiroth switched on a music player concealed in his jacket, causing the operatic notes of his theme song 'One-Winged Angel' to fill the air, or would have if they weren't drowned by the funk/rap/rock/heavy metal/unidentifiable music being put out by the DJ.

With battle cries, Cloud and Sephiroth charged at each other…

And bounced back, their swords not even striking each other. "Hnnh?" grunted a confused Cloud.

"What is this strange power?" wondered a puzzled Sephiroth.

"Oh, um…Maleficent kind of cast this Truce spell to keep people like you guys from fighting each other," Sora said apologetically. "Otherwise, most of her guests would kill each other."

"…I see," said Sephiroth, putting his sword away and switching off his music player. "Then I suppose this is not the most opportune place for a battle. I shall see you later, Cloud-"

"NO!" Cloud protested, infuriated. "I spent months tracking you down after you last disappeared! Now that I've found you, I won't let you get away! I WILL finish this!"

Sephiroth smirked. "And how do you propose we do that, if we cannot battle to the death as we both desire?"

"There's still ONE way," Cloud said, his eyes steely cold, extending a fist. Narrowing his eyes, but still smirking, Sephiroth extended his fist. And then…

"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!"

The two swordsmen clasped hands and immediately began clashing their thumbs against each other, Sephiroth turning his music player back on to give their battle a dramatic background. "You cannot win, Cloud. Give in to the dark."

"Never! As long as I still draw breath, I will never let you win!" Cloud growled, his thumb bobbing left and right in an attempt to draw Sephiroth's thumb into making a lunge that would leave it vulnerable.

"You cannot win, Cloud, not as long as you cling to the darkness," Sephiroth intoned, jabbing his thumb at Cloud's.

"That's not true!" Cloud hissed angrily, striking Sephiroth's thumb with his own.

"You do not let go of the past, and that is why you fail. It's because you don't let go that I will always return, no matter how many times you strike me down," Sephiroth said with an evil grin. "And it's because of that…" His thumb went flat against their joined fists for a split second, tricking Cloud into foolishly trying to pin it down with his thumb. Sephiroth's thumb quickly slipped away and slammed down onto Cloud's, pinning it down and ending the battle. "That I will always win."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Cloud screamed in agony and despair, falling to his knees as Sephiroth chuckled cruelly, savoring his victory as the latin-spewing singers of his theme song hit a high note. Guests looked at them. Sora stared blankly, not quite sure what to think of this moment.

Cloud leaped back to his feet and glared at Sephiroth. "Best two out of three?"

"Very well." And so the war began again.

Scratching his head, Sora turned and walked away. "Well, that was strange."

Your friends are weird, complained Roxas.

"Oh, and all of your old friends were the image of normality?" Sora retorted.

Hmm, good point.

…

Things were definitely not normal at Maleficent's bachelorette party, either.

The majority of the witches, after devouring poor Morgana and having a few too many drinks, were now focusing most of their attention on the handsome male strippers on stage and hooting and yelling catcalls. This, thankfully, left Kairi largely ignored and unnoticed. She carefully nursed the wine she had been given, not wanting to take too much. After all, in a situation like this, she certainly needed her wits about her. Cogs were turning in her mind as she watched the slightly drunken witches, the details of a possible escape plan forming in her head.

"Are you enjoying yourself, dear?" Maleficent said suddenly, startling Kairi and bringing her back to reality.

"What? Um…o-of course," Kairi lied, smiling weakly. "Time of my life. Best bachelorette party ever."

"I'm glad to hear you say that," Maleficent said, a cruel grin appearing on her face. "As your hostess, I'd be very upset to hear one of my most treasured guests wasn't happy. _Very_ upset indeed."

And Kairi had no doubt that said upset would probably be taken out on the Destiny Islands. She reconsidered her plans for escape. Maybe it wouldn't be _so_ bad if she stayed a while longer. "No, no, everything's fine," she said quickly. "No complaints, none at all. Nice food, nice company, nice show, everything's good."

"Excellent." Maleficent turned her attention back to the show on stage. "However…I think it's time we spiced things up a little, don't you?"

"Um, sure," Kairi said, nodding enthusiastically. "Yeah. Totally."

"Very good." Maleficent took an ominous-looking black lamp from her cloak, held it up to the dim light hanging over their table, and rubbed it. The other witches immediately fixed their attention on the small object, their magical senses going off as the room darkened slightly and the lamp began to rattle. A tumult of red smoke and sparks suddenly erupted from the nozzle of the lamp, rocketing out in a cascade which swirled around the room, encircling startled guests and dancers, before turning back on itself and swelling into a great cloud that manifested into the figure of a very muscular red being with a trail of smoke leading back to the lamp in place of legs, gold-manacled clawed hands folded over his chest, topped by a (mostly) bald head with a short black ponytail growing back from the top of his head, pointed ears, yellow eyes, and a frown framed by a neatly trimmed beard. "What is thy wish?" the red genie boomed. Maleficent frowned at him, and the genie sighed and gritted his teeth. "Master?" he growled.

"O Genie of the Lamp," Maleficent intoned. "For my first wish…I command you to perform an erotic dance for my companions and I, with no loose ends or misinterpretations whatsoever of the prior request that will allow you to do harm to me or mine, my guests, my world, or any of the worlds I may one day rule, even ones I _may not_ rule, just to be thorough, including triggering some events which may one day cause some misfortune of any size to occur to me or my ambitions. Am I clear?"

The genie Jafar sighed despondently. "Yes, master…" he intoned bitterly. There was a puff of smoke, and suddenly Jafar was much smaller, standing on stage with two legs and a very tight loincloth, with spotlights focused on him. All went quiet as everyone in the room stared at him. The ex-vizier sighed, wondering how he had gotten into this mess, and then, reluctantly, began to belly-dance as some Arabian music began to play. Erotically, as Maleficent had specified, with no way to take advantage of a loophole and kill her or do her or anyone connected her any kind of harm, either.

The witches squealed with delight, bouncing excitedly in their seats as they watched Jafar strut and thrust and show off his physique. Maleficent smiled in contentment and leaned back in her seat. And Kairi found herself wondering if maybe escaping wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

…

The last time we saw Riku he had been forcefully separated from his best friend Sora by a pack of amorous and extremely attractive demons. Now, while it is true that Riku, like most handsome bishounen, has an appreciation for beautiful women who threw themselves at him, do not think for a minute that Riku was more interested in staying with the demons than going off to find Sora. After all, Riku was a true friend, the kind who does anything he feels necessary for the sake of that friendship, even if said thing may be unethical in the extreme. In fact, Riku demanded repeatedly that the demonesses release him so he could go find King Mickey with Sora.

He continued protesting as they poured alcohol down his throat to loosen him up. He didn't want to swallow, naturally, so as skilled torturers all they simply held his nose and clamped hands over his mouth until he was forced to do it lest he choke, and used other methods to keep him from spitting it back up. And so, after drinking a few bottles' worth of liquor, it's only natural that some of his inhibitions would fall away and his protests would become less insistent. And after a few more bottles, he stopped protesting at all, alcohol and the seductive demonesses making him forget anything important, so wasted that he could barely remember his own name. Riku was strong, but even he had his limits.

And unfortunately, his dedication to his friends as well as his mission was not the only thing that slipped away thanks to the drink and pleasurable company. One by one, his mental barriers collapsed as more alcohol was pumped into his system, until every last bit of his well-trained restraint was gone.

And so there was nothing, absolutely nothing, to prevent Xehanort from switching places with the thoroughly sloshed Riku and taking possession of the boy's body, triumphantly making his grand return to the world of the living.

"I LIIIIIVE!" Xehanort cried, Riku's wiry and handsome form abruptly undergoing a growth spurt, hair growth, eye color switch, and total wardrobe change, transforming from a sexy teenager into a sexy long-haired adult, upping his bishounen factor by several points. The demonesses cocked their heads, blinked, then decided that, in their eyes, he hadn't really changed that much, since he smelled the same and still had roughly the same hair color. All mortals looked alike to them anyway. However, when they tried to cuddle up to him again, he scoffed and shoved them away with his arm, rising to his feet and only wobbling a little due to the intense amount of alcohol in his and Riku's shared body's system. Fortunately, Xehanort could tolerate much more alcohol than Riku due to tremendous drinking contests he and Ansem the Wise's other apprentices had indulged in in his youth, and so it would take quite a bit more liquor to put him out of commission…well, maybe not that much. "Away with you, harlots!" he bellowed, only slurring a little. "I have little interest in common whores such as you, not when there is a far greater prize waiting!" Ignoring the fact that their adoring gazes were turning to indignation and anger, Xehanort turned away, glaring up at the highest tier of the club, where Pete, Satan, and the other high-ranking villains were chilling. "Maleficent…now that this body is mine again, I must convince her to wed me instead of that cretin! And showing her father how worthy I am to be her husband will surely be the first step to securing her hand…for he will then retract his blessing from Pete, and she will surely not go against the wishes of a father as powerful as he! I think." He frowned, blinked, and shook his head. "Head's a bit foggy…Riku really shouldn't drink so much. Then again, if he hadn't, I wouldn't be here, so…" He blinked. "Whatever. I must be off! Great darkness awaits!" He stalked off, stumbled, and moved a little more slowly towards the stairs.

The demonesses glared at him as he left. "Jerk," one of them growled.

"I liked him better when he was shorter," another said wistfully.

"Oh well…Master Satan will sort him out…" a third said evilly.

The demons giggled sinisterly, and then went off to seduce and torment more mortal souls, as was their wont.

…

After the incident with the giant flaming Blitzball, the grouchy team of adventurers continued on their way through the ancient tomb, setting off numerous more traps along the way and generally making Paine more and more pissed off.

"If it were Rikku setting off all those traps, that'd be one thing," she snapped at the kids. "Rikku's a klutz. But I would've thought you kids knew better. I mean COME ON, didn't you think a large protruding piece of wall in a corridor with lots of paintings of warriors with small holes where their mouths would be, along with numerous bones and old splinters of wood, was the least bit suspicious?"

"Hey, I just needed something to lean on for a second," Wakka protested. "I thought that's what it was for, that the architects made it for people to rest on for a moment. How was I supposed to know it would set off all those blowdarts?"

"The obvious signs?" Tidus suggested.

"Shut up, man!"

"Oh well," Rikku said cheerfully. "At least for once, I'm not getting yelled at for doing something stupid! Yay!"

Yuna sighed, and Tidus felt a twinge of guilt for not being as reliable as she'd thought he was. "Yuna, I'm sorr-"

"Ooh, what's this button do?" Selphie cried from somewhere down the hall behind them.

Their eyes widened in horror. "SELPHIE, NO!" they screamed, turning towards the girl just as she pushed a colored button set into the wall.

The corridor rumbled. A wall panel further down the hall back the way they had come slid open, and a horrendous wheeled mechanism made up of far too many spinning blades and whirring saws rolled out and began charging towards them. "Aw, crap!" yelled Wakka.

"Hiiiii!" Selphie said, waving stupidly at the bladed death machine grinding towards them. "Are you gonna kill us?"

"Thundara!" Yuna called, causing a bolt of lightning to strike the coming machine. Nothing happened. "Thundara! Thundaga!" Stronger bolts hit the mechanism, none of which slowed it down in the least.

"Rikku, I don't suppose you can disassemble that?" Paine asked.

"What, you want me to stick my hand in there?!" Rikku cried. "No way! Do it yourself!"

"Wait, I think I got an idea!" Wakka cried, noticing a large glowing dot in the center of all the gnashing blades. "That dot looks like some kinda weak spot or target, or a lot like a Blitzball goal…I actually think I remember something like this mentioned in the plans. This tomb was built for a great Blitzball player, and can only be entered by Blitzball fans, so…the way to beat some of the challenges is simply to Blitz!" Wakka pulled out his ball and hurled it at the spot in question. It sailed through the whirling blades, smashed into the glowing spot, and ricocheted back at Wakka.

The machine paused for a moment, its blades freezing in place, the deadly device whirring loudly for a moment. Then, piece by piece, it collapsed, caving in on itself and disassembling, its innards spilling out across the ground. The six sighed in relief. "Good job, Wakka," Tidus complimented his friend.

"Yay! Wakka saved the day!" Selphie cheered, glomping the redhead and kissing him on the cheek, causing him to scream in horror.

"Well, maybe they aren't so useless after all, right Paine?" Rikku joked.

Paine grunted and folded her arms. "We'll see…"

Abruptly, the corridor started rumbling again. "Uh, that can't be good…" said Yuna.

She was right. A section of floor retracted, and a huge armored mechanical monstrosity rose into the passageway, its front a tremendous metal square which took up almost the entire width and height of the hallway. This square was covered with numerous spinning wheels holding screws, saws, drills, spiked rollers, and all sorts of other very nasty sharp objects. With a pneumatic roar, the machine started rolling towards them, the implements of death on its front catching the wreckage of the last lethal machine and shredding it to scrap as it approached.

"Uh, Wakka, you wouldn't happen to see a target on there, would you?" Tidus asked nervously. "Or happen to remember how to defeat this thing?"

"Uh, no, not really. I think I skimmed that part, too," Wakka said weakly.

"Well in that case…RUN!" Yuna yelled, leading the dash down the corridor away from the wall of death, Selphie shrieking at the top of her lungs that they were going to die.

They quickly passed through a door at the end of the corridor that looked much too small for the wall of death to pass through and found themselves on a narrow stone bridge crossing what looked like a bottomless chasm. Another door leading deeper into the tomb was on the other end of the bridge, although it was currently blocked by a large statue of a many-armed monster holding a scimitar in each hand. They took a moment to catch their breath, certain they were safe. "That was a bit close," said Rikku. "But we're all okay, right?"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA…oh wait, never mind," Selphie said sweetly.

"This room looks familiar…" mused Tidus. "I think…yeah, I remember this place from the tomb plans! This is one of the ways into the heart of the tomb. I think that if we go through that door there and survive whatever's on the other side, we have a straight shot at reaching the treasure chamber!"

"I thought you said you didn't remember any of this stuff," Paine said with a frown. "That you more skimmed than memorized the plans."

"I skimmed, yeah, but some parts stuck out more than others," Tidus said. "Like this place, and how it eventually leads to the treasure chamber!"

Wakka nodded. "Yeah, where Ohalland's sarcophagus, Gold Blitzball, and the first Crystal Cup are! But…" He frowned. "Can't really remember what kind of defenses lie between us and there. I didn't remember that death wall thing, and I'm not sure what's ahead…maybe we'll remember more when we get there."

"Hopefully before it's not too late," Yuna said.

"I think there's something important about that statue over there…" Tidus pondered. "But I don't remember what…"

It was then that the small doorway behind them exploded apart, dust and bits of masonry billowing out as the monstrous death wall rolled forward, clearly not letting a minor inconvenience like a too-small opening stop it from fulfilling its programming. Numerous spikes, blades, floating saws, metal shields and magical screens emerged from its back and sides, whirling around its body at incredible speeds to prevent any attack from striking it from behind. Selphie began screaming again.

"Oh great, here we go again!" Rikku cried as they all started running (or flying) towards the other end of the bridge and the statue there.

But as they got halfway across the bridge, Tidus suddenly remembered what was important about the statue and skidded to a halt. "Oh crap!"

"What?" asked Yuna.

"That statue! Now I remember, it comes to life!"

As he said this, the statue did just that, its eyes glowing and body shaking as if awakening from a long slumber. It spread out its many arms and roared, shaking the chamber as it began sliding towards them on its plinth, slashing at the air with its scimitars.

The group glanced anxiously at the living statue, then at the wall of death still coming towards them, and groaned. "Talk about being trapped between a rock and a hard place," Rikku complained.

"OH EM GEE! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Selphie screamed. She began running in circles, shrieking her head off.

"I don't suppose you remember how to get past this?" Paine asked.

Tidus shook his head. "Um, unfortunately I don't. So…" He took out his sword. "We'll just have to smash our way through! Come on!" He charged at the living statue, swinging his weapon.

"This is probably a bad idea…couldn't we just fly over it?" Rikku suggested.

"We can, but they can't," Yuna pointed out, drawing her guns and flying after Tidus. Paine grunted, drew her sword, and did the same. Rikku grimaced and looked back at the death wall, noting that it was approaching them just as quickly as the bladed statue, and if they didn't remove one of them soon they were going to be left without much room to stand very shortly.

The group quickly reached the statue. "Ha!" Tidus cried, lashing out with his sword. Two of the statue's arms reacted, blocking his strike by crossing blades, then slashing out at him. Tidus deflected the blow with his own sword, though it rattled his bones, and quickly counterattacked, not noticing two more of the statue's arms preparing to decapitate him. Fortunately, Paine leapt in and occupied those arms with her own swordplay, keeping them away from the unknowing Tidus as he hacked and slashed at the lower arms in an attempt to get past their guard and land a blow on the monster's body. Wakka hurled his Blitzball at the statue's face, only for it to be deflected by another pair of the monster's arms, and he had to leap to catch the sphere before it could fall off the side of the bridge from the recoil. Yuna fired her guns at the thing's face, only for the bullets to be deflected by still another pair of arms. "This thing's got way too many limbs," she grunted in frustration.

Rikku, being the swift and sneaky thief that she was, darted through the storm of whirling swords, stabbing the creature's arms and chest here and there with her daggers. The creature showed little reaction to her strikes, but Rikku wasn't surprised. She hadn't intended for her blows to be especially powerful, which would leave her vulnerable. She knew that the largest animal could be taken down if it got stung enough by a big enough swarm of insects, and she knew the same strategy applied to monsters. Of course, it took time to land that many stings, and she wasn't sure it was time they had, since the statue continued advancing at the same time as the wall of death approached from behind. Time was running out. So, she switched to her feral (and scantily clad) Berserker dressphere and tried wailing on the statue with that, to see if her harder hits would do any damage to the monster's very thick skin.

Paine masterfully danced with her sword, deflecting strike after strike from the many scimitars, but was as yet unable to land a blow of her own. She had tried using both her heavily armored Dark Knight dressphere and her robed Samurai dressphere, but neither skilled blade seemed to be able to penetrate the monster's defenses. Every time she stabbed at one of the thing's wrists her strike was blocked by another sword, and she had to maneuver quickly to keep from being skewered or decapitated by the beast's many scimitars. "This thing's got a near-impenetrable frontal defense…"

"Which means it's open from the rear! Great idea, Paine!" Yuna quickly flew around the statue and started pumping lead into it from behind.

"Hey, wait up! I'll help you!" Tidus yelled, realizing this was a perfect opportunity to show off and impress Yuna. He backed away from the monster, planted his sword in the ground, then jumped, kicking off the weapon's pommel and arcing through the air over the living statue's blades. He landed on the thing's head and kicked off again, stunning it for a brief moment (not long enough for the others to damage it, though) as he soared through the air and landed behind the beast, next to Yuna. "All right, let's do some damage!" he declared.

"With what?" Yuna asked, pausing to reload her guns. "You left your sword on the other side."

"…D'oh!" Tidus cursed. "Um, hey Wakka, can you throw your ball over here?"

"What? Heck no!" Wakka cried, backing away from the statue and winding up for another ineffective throw at the thing's face. "It's my ball, get your own!"

"Ah, come on…"

Wakka shook his head. "No way, man! The last time I lent you a ball, you smashed Ms. Hikari's lighthouse beacon with it! And I never got it back, did I?"

"Come on, you know I'll pay you back!"

"No way, I'm not falling for THAT again!"

"Ugh, fine, I'll just defeat this thing with one punch, like on TV!" Trying to mimic some martial arts flick he had once seen, he gave a battle cry and tried to strike the statue's back with a flying kick that was supposed to shatter it completely. Predictably, the only thing to shatter was his foot as his bone cracked against the ultra-hard stone making up the statue. "AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!"

Yuna paused a moment to toss a Mega-potion at Tidus, which burst on his head and sprinkled magical material all over him. Instantly, Tidus' foot was completely mended. He blinked in amazement. "Okay, bullets, daggers and sword techniques aren't working. Time to call out the big guns!" As her teammates retreated from the monster, not wanting to get caught in the range of the offensive spells they knew Yuna was about to cast, the fairy activated her Black Mage dressphere, switching into a stylish dark purple outfit with a long skirt, beads dangling from the elbows on the wide sleeves not quite attached to the rest of the dress, shoes curling up at the tips, a powerful-looking staff, and a large witch hat with rings in the side from which two strips of cloth hung. This costume would amplify the power of her offensive spells. With this boost, Yuna drew upon the magic she needed to hopefully reduce the living statue to dust…

And hesitated, noticing just how little space remained between the living statue and the wall of death. None of her high-level spells could destroy the statue without also blasting Wakka and Selphie, who could not fly out of the way, into the wall of death or off the bridge all together. None of her offensive spells strong enough to kill the statue could do so without potentially harming the two humans. And she doubted the strongest Protega spell she could cast, even with her White Mage dressphere, would be able to withstand the pressure of both unstoppable objects at once. She doubted even _that_ dressphere she was saving for an especially difficult opponent could help them now without harming the kids.

Selphie just then noticed how close the two deadly objects had gotten as well, and began shrieking even louder than before. Wakka looked around anxiously. "Oh crap, we're trapped!"

"Yuna, you guys gotta do something!" Tidus cried desperately.

"Girls, get the kids out of the way!" Yuna shouted at her teammates.

Paine and Rikku quickly grabbed onto the back of Wakka and Selphie's shirts, lifted, and…couldn't raise them more than a few centimeters off the ground before dropping them, panting and red in the face. "We can't!" Rikku yelled, still struggling to lift her assigned child. "They're too heavy!"

"Then use fairy dust, like you did before!" Wakka screamed, noticing how very, VERY close the slicing scimitars and gnashing blades of the two death machines were to chewing him up.

"We can't, we're not that kind of fairy!" Paine grunted. "Yuna, do something!"

"Um…" Yuna's face was pale. What could she do?

"Yuna, please…" Tidus begged, his face ashen.

Yuna squeezed her eyes shut and quickly ran through a list of every white and black magic spell she knew of. "That's it!" Opening her eyes, she quickly switched back to her regular outfit and waved a hand in the direction of Selphie and Wakka. "Floatra!"

There was a puff of magic, and suddenly a pair of tiny feathery wings appeared on the back of either human, flapping rapidly and decreasing their weight significantly, so much so that they practically levitated off the ground without the help of the fairies. Rikku and Paine used this boost to swiftly carry Wakka and Selphie up and over the living statue and down to Yuna and Tidus just before the statue and the death wall crashed into each other, resulting in a devastating explosion which obliterated both monstrosities and also weakened the bridge significantly, causing huge fissures to crack open and run across its span. There was a loud groan of stone grating against stone, and then the bridge began to collapse, from the center outward.

"Run!" Tidus yelled, quickly running for the exit as he saw the bridge crumble piece by piece into oblivion. Wakka and Selphie ran after him, their reduced weight causing them to bound high into the air with each step, as if they were on the moon, and they might have fallen on their faces a few times or plummeted off the decaying bridge had not the fairies nudged their flight paths a few times. All six adventurers made it to the safety of the doorway to the next room before all of the bridge disintegrated, its pieces plummeting into the bottomless abyss below. They stared into the pit, gasping for breath and realizing just how close they had been to death there.

"Here," Wakka panted, handing Tidus his sword. "I think you lost this."

"Oh…thanks," Tidus said in relief, for he had completely forgotten about his weapon.

"We're alive! Hooray!" Selphie cheered, running around in circles until slamming into a wall. "Ow."

"That WAS close," Paine agreed, wiping away some sweat. "Let's try not to let something like that happen again, okay?" Rikku nodded in agreement.

"Hey, what did you guys mean when you said, 'You're not that kind of fairy'?" Wakka asked suddenly.

The fairies glanced at each other, reverting to their regular outfits. "Let's just say that among fairies, talents differ," Yuna said after a moment.

Rikku nodded. "All fairies can do magic, but some fairies are extremely good at it, better than almost everyone else—fairies like Yunie here—and so can do all sorts of stuff with their fairy dust, like make people lighter. Fairies like Paine and I aren't nearly as good at magic, but still are skilled at our own things. Like, I'm terrible with most kinds of spells, and navigation, but good at stealing and alchemy. Or at least mixing things."

"And I'm also pretty bad with spells, but I'm excellent with fighting techniques. And cooking," Paine admitted. "Whereas Yuna can't cook without burning water. That's another thing she and Rikku have in common, except that when Rikku cooks there's a bigger chance the kitchen will explode. Must run in the family."

"Hey!" both fairies snapped.

Tidus shook his head in amusement. "Well, all that aside, we should get going. The worst is yet to come."

"And that worst is…" the fairies prompted.

"…I have no idea." All groaned.

…

In the meantime, Sora and Roxas were still searching, fruitlessly, for Riku. They had finally discovered the stairs and made their way up to one of the club's higher levels, pausing by a bar before continuing their monumental climb upwards. "What's he doing?" a confused Sora asked his brother as the Heartless bartender held out a glass for him.

_I think he's offering you a drink,_ said Roxas.

"Oh, no thanks," Sora said. "I'm too young." The Heartless tilted its head, clearly not understanding the concept. "I, um, just don't drink. That's all." The bartender blinked, shrugged, and went back to cleaning the glass it had just offered.

_Ah, come on, why don't you take a drink? We could probably use one._

"Roxas, I'm sure you've had plenty of alcohol in your day, but I for one would rather keep a clear head as much as possible, especially in a place like this," Sora said firmly. "And besides, I don't want to touch a drop of the stuff ever again, not after what happened that one time in Port Royal." He shuddered, almost hearing Jack Sparrow's drunken singing now.

Wait, he _could_ hear Jack Sparrow's drunken singing. "Jack!" Sora whirled around and found, to his amazement, that his pirate friend was sitting on the stool right next to him on the bar, guzzling down a huge mug of what might have been alcohol but had the consistency of tar.

Jack Sparrow, a somewhat handsome (he called himself dashing) tanned man with dreadlocked hair, a red bandana, brown vest over an open white shirt with a belt buckle over his shoulder, dark brown trousers and a pair of thick, travel-worn boots, leaned back on his stool, belched, and put the mug back down on the bar's counter. "'Ey, Zola!"

"Sora," Sora corrected pointedly.

"Whatever. Long time no see, mate! What's a fellow like you doing in a place like this? A little out of your class, wouldn't you say?" said Jack, wiping off his mouth and mustache with a sleeve.

"I could ask the same of you. I got invited to Maleficent's wedding. Did they send you an invitation too?" Sora asked, not seeing why Maleficent possibly would have.

"Nah, nobody in their right mind invites a pirate to a wedding! Well, Will and Elizabeth might, but who could say they're in their right minds? No, I came to loot the place! See new worlds! And, uh, get away from some, how should I put it, debt collectors…" He scratched his left hand, now wrapped in thick bandages, uneasily.

"But, uh, how'd you get out of Port Royal and, well, here?" Sora pressed.

"Same way you did, I imagine, by taking a bloody spaceship!" Jack laughed. "Oh, don't give me that look, lad, I knew you were from another world the moment I laid eyes on you! Nobody in the Caribbean would be traveling with a talking duck and dog if they weren't from somewhere else entirely. And not to mention your hair and clothes!"

Sora blinked. "What's wrong with my hair and clothes?"

"Well, lad, not to be offensive, but they're kind of…dorky. No self-respecting pirate would wear duds like that without getting laughed at! Most people wouldn't either! And the shoes! Don't get me started on the shoes!" Sora blinked and looked down at his rather large yellow shoes, feeling slightly offended. _He_ thought his clothes were cool. And so did his mom…

"So, you said you got a ship. Where'd you find one?" Sora asked, badly wanting to change the subject.

"Right, that." Jack took another long drink from his mug. "Well, some rather obvious tourists from another world managed to show up in Port Royal one day, and I, being the clever pirate I am, managed to trick them into upgrading my dear old Black Pearl in exchange for a trip around the Isles, which I gave them. I left them on an island full of cannibals last time I saw them."

Sora frowned. "That wasn't nice."

"Oh, relax," Jack said with a dismissive wave. "When I left, the cannibals crowned them leaders of the tribe! Then again…I can't remember if these were the vegetarian cannibals or the cannibals who eat their leaders as part of some divine ritual. Oh well, too late now to do anything about it, I suppose."

"So, you upgraded the Black Pearl into a spaceship?" Sora said, taking a seat next to Jack and dearly hoping the cannibals had been vegetarian.

"Yes, and one a sight more spectacular than that gaudy piece of junk you were driving! Yes, I saw that too, rather hard to miss, what with all the _colors_ and all." Jack frowned and winced. "Just thinking about it gives me a headache, though that might be the grog."

Sora pondered, for a moment, the consequences of Jack becoming a space pirate, and shuddered. Perhaps there _was_ a reason to keep the worlds apart, after all. "So, I take it you intend to use your new ship to travel to new worlds and…steal from them."

"Yep! It's the pirate way, after all." Jack drank some more grog. "Don't give me that look, lad, it hurts. I am what I am; a dashingly handsome rogue, just like you are what you are; a somewhat goofy-looking kid with a giant key."

"Well, at least you don't have one of those," Sora said, feeling relieved. After all, without a Keyblade, he doubted Jack would be able to bypass the barriers around most of the worlds. Though how he had gotten out of Port Royal, and the tourists in, was a bit worrying. Sora could have sworn he'd locked that world, and he didn't think anyone else could use the shortcut he'd made through the barrier, could they?

Jack paused. "Mmm. Yeah. About that…" He opened his hand slowly. Points of light gathered from all around and coalesced to form a Keyblade with a ship's wheel for a hilt guard, a compass for a keychain, and a gray anchor-shaped blade growing from the end. "I got one of those too. Told you I'd find one eventually!"

Sora's jaw dropped. _Wow,_ said a stunned Roxas. _They'll give one of those to ANYONE, won't they?_

"How…how did you…_how did you get one_?!" Sora asked, incredulous.

"Well," Jack said eagerly. "That's a tale for the telling, lad! It all started when I was dueling this horde of undead pirates single-handed while protecting a kidnapped child princess worth ten times my weight in gold in my other hand-"

_He was stark raving drunk,_ Roxas interpreted.

"And I was winning, with the bones of my defeated oes scattered all over the place in a pile at my feet, when one of the buggers hit me from behind with a barrel and knocked me out!"

_He drank too much and passed out,_ Roxas translated again.

"And then…" Jack grinned, a twinkle in his eye. "That's when the _real_ fun began…"

…

"Ow." Jack Sparrow slowly got to his feet, blinking and rubbing his head, which was sore from falling on it. The last few moments were a blur…he vaguely recalled a hallucination about seeing someone standing in the water as a wave rushed over him or her with his or her hand stretched out to him, and stayed standing like that even when he or she was underwater, and then there was this really confusing bit where he had been simultaneously standing on a beach and falling from the sky, and then he'd fallen into the ocean and landed on some undersea platform headfirst, causing the floor to splinter and turn into a flock of bloody seagulls which flew off (_underwater?!_), screeching and flapping and making his head hurt even more. "Well, this is one of the most painful hallucinations I've ever had," he voiced, noting that he wasn't actually underwater anymore but standing on a stained-glass platform in a void of darkness with nothing else anywhere as far as the eye could see. "Even more so than that one I had when I tried that Chinese stuff." He looked down and saw that the stained glass he was standing on depicted an image of himself, passed out from drinking too much and holding a bottle in his hand, with an image of Port Royal in the background, and some circles with pictures of Will Turner, Elizabeth, the Black Pearl, and for some reason an undead monkey, on the side not taken up by the image of himself. "Huh. Nice artist, whoever made this. Must remember to steal a smaller version, it would look good in my cabin."

SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE-

"AGGHHH! STOP IT!" Jack yelled, clutching his head in pain. "Pirate suffering from a hangover and concussion here! Could you speak a little quieter, if you don't mind?"

Sorry, said the voice, a bit softer. So much to do, so little time. Take your time. Don't be afraid, the door is still shut. Now step forward. Can you do it?

"Yes," said Jack, taking a step forward, making sure not to step on the handsome face of the image on the ground. He started when suddenly three trapezoidal stones rose from the edges of the platform, each one bearing an item; a cutlass, a shield, and a staff. "Oh. Where'd those come from?"

If you give it form, it will give you strength.

"Give what form?" asked a confused Jack.

…Choose wisely.

"Choose _what_ wisely?"

One of the items, dumbass. Choose already!

"Hmmph. I don't like your tone," Jack muttered. He glanced at the sword. Then the shield. Then the stick. "Easy choice." He walked over to the sword and picked it up off its pedestal.

The power of the warrior. Invincible courage. A sword of terrible destruction. Is this the power you seek?

"Sure, why not?"

Hmmph, everyone picks the damn sword…Your path is set.

Suddenly, the sword vanished from Jack's hand. "Hey! Give it back!"

You'll get it back. Now pick an item to get rid of.

"Why?"

Because I said so, dammit!

Jack grunted and glanced back at the remaining items. "Eh, toss the stick."

Rod.

"Whatever. I don't need it."

The power of the mage. Wisdom-

"I said I don't need it already!"

Fine. God. You've chosen the power of the warrior. You've given up the power of the mage. Is this the form you choose?

Jack rolled his eyes. "Well, isn't that bloody obvious?"

Instead of replying, the trapezoid stones disappeared, and the platform shattered. Jack fell, screaming, into pitch darkness. "WAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH-"

And landed on his head again, on a platform identical to the one he had just been on it, except it was colored differently. "OW!" The sword from before fell from the sky and bounced off his head. "DAMMIT!"

You gained the power to fight.

Growling, Jack grabbed the sword, fully intending to stab the hell out of the voice if he ever met it in person. And steal all its stuff.

All right, you've got it! Use this power to protect yourself and others. Suddenly, a number of horrible monsters appeared. They looked at first like pirates, but were far too ugly, and seemed to be fused with sea creatures. There will be times you have to fight. Keep your light burning strong.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, mate, but I've got no problem fighting," grunted Jack, quickly entering into combat with the horrible monsters and defeating them in an epic battle which took ten whole minutes to be described to Sora and was almost completely embellished and full of bullshit. In any event, Jack dispatched the pirates, even the bunch which appeared behind him, thanks to a timely warning from the voice. And when he had won the battle…

The floor beneath him suddenly turned to water and he sank into its depths, screaming, and landed hard on another platform...with no water anywhere to be seen yet again. "WAAAAAAUUUGGGHHH-Ow!" The sword hit him again on the head as it fell from above. "DAMMIT! This is really getting old, mate." He blinked, noticing a strange transparent door leading to nowhere at the edge of the platform. "Hmm?" Rubbing his head, he got up, walked over to the door, and tried to open it. Naturally, his hand passed right through it. "Okay, it's a ghost door. I didn't even know doors could have ghosts," he commented inanely. There was a flash of light, and a treasure chest appeared behind him at the far edge of the platform. "Ah, now that's more like it!" He eagerly ran over to the chest, opened it, and found… "Hey, it's empty!" He picked it up, turned it over, and shook it, but to no avail. "What a bloody rip-off!" Annoyed, he tossed the chest off the side of the platform. It fell down from the sky and hit him on the head. "OW! What is it with this place?!" He could swear he heard the voice snickering in the distance. He grumbled, rubbed his head, and turned around.

Somehow, a very large crate had appeared out of nowhere and was sitting in the middle of the platform. "Where'd that come from?" Jack wondered. He examined it for a moment. He looked at the sword lying on the ground. He shrugged, picked it up, and smashed the crate to pieces with it, hoping to find something inside.

Predictably, there was nothing. "Great," he grumbled. He eyed the barrel that had just appeared out of nowhere. "I suppose you're empty too?" There was no response. Jack shrugged and smashed it. Once more, nothing came out. Big surprise.

However, the ghostly door stopped being ghostly and solidified. "Well, that's something," Jack commented. "Maybe there's treasure behind this door." He opened the door…

And found himself on the ramparts of Port Royal. He blinked in confusion. "What'm I doing here?" he said, scratching his head with the flat of his sword.

Hold on. The door won't open just yet. First, tell me more about yourself. Not that I really care…

"Didn't the door just open?" said a confused Jack. There was no reply. He noticed then that three familiar figures were standing around doing nothing. Thinking that this was all rather odd, Jack approached the first figure, his good friend (sort of) Will Turner. "Hey, Will, what the hell's going on here, mate?"

"What are you afraid of?" Will asked, not even remotely answering Jack's question.

"Huh?" said the confused pirate.

"What are you afraid of?" Will repeated.

"I'm afraid of getting my soul taken by a hideous undead pirate with a squid for a face, or being eaten by said pirate's pet sea monster, what do you think?" Jack grunted.

"Getting your soul taken by a hideous undead pirate with a squid for a face, or being eaten by said pirate's pet sea monster? Is that really so scary?" Will asked.

Jack stared at him, bewildered. "…Yes. Yes it is." He quickly walked away from Will, towards the second figure, the lovely Elizabeth Swann, soon to be Will's wife. "Oy, Elizabeth, what's gotten into Will? He's acting kind of funny…"

"What do you want out of life?" she asked, ignoring him.

Jack stared at her. "What?"

"What do you want out of life?" she repeated.

Jack eyed her warily. "Great, so whatever it is has gotten to you too…well, I want what any pirate wants. Money, women, alcohol, not to get hung by the authorities, and not to get my soul stolen by an ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face."

"Money, women, alcohol, not to get hung by the authorities, and not to get your soul stolen by an ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face, huh?" Elizabeth said with a nod.

"…Yes. That's what I just said." Jack quickly hurried away from Elizabeth, hoping whatever was wrong with her and Will wasn't contagious. He stopped dead when he saw the third figure. "Oh, _hell_ no. Aren't you dead?!"

"What's most important to you?" asked Barbossa, Jack's traitorous former first mate and ex-captain of the Black Pearl, who Jack clearly remembered killing a few months ago.

"I know you were undead before, but _come on_! You were alive when I killed you!" Jack protested.

"What's most important to you?" Barbossa asked again.

Jack sighed. He experimentally tried to drive his sword through the dead pirate's chest, only for it to pass right through. Somehow he wasn't surprised. So, he played along. "The Black Pearl," he said automatically.

"Is the Black Pearl such a big deal?" Barbossa asked.

"I sold my soul for it and spent quite a few years trying to get it back from you, so I should hope so," Jack grunted.

You're afraid of getting your soul taken by a hideous undead pirate with a squid for a face, or being eaten by said pirate's pet sea monster. You want money, women, alcohol, not to get hung by the authorities, and not to get your soul stolen by an ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face. The Black Pearl is most important to you. Your adventure begins at noon. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one.

"Sounds good to me," said Jack with a smirk.

The day he will open the door is both far off and very near.

Jack blinked. "Huh? Door? What door? Didn't I open the door before? Are we talking about two different doors here? He who?"

Instead of getting answered, Jack found himself on yet another stained glass platform. "Well, thanks for all the help," he muttered sarcastically. He noticed there was a light looking oddly like his compass floating in the middle of the platform. He walked over to touch it, and…

More sea monster/pirates appeared out of nowhere, growling and shouting and shaking their misshapen appendages and weapons at him. "Oh hell, not them again," Jack groaned, quickly entering another epic battle that also took ten minutes to describe to Sora and was also pretty much completely bullshit. But when it was done, the compass-light moved to the edge of the platform and vanished, suddenly appearing on another, higher stained glass platform that hadn't been there a moment ago off in the distance. A long spiraling stairway made of stained glass panels led up from Jack's platform to the new one. "Getting tired of all this glass," Jack muttered as he began walking up the stairway. "I'm a pirate, not a glassworker. Or a blacksmith, like Will."

He soon reached the top of the new platform, where the compass-light was waiting for him. He approached it, his shadow lengthening behind him due to the brilliance of the light.

The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes.

"Yeah, I know," Jack said, glancing back at his shadow. "Any sailor can tell you that. It's kind of important to nautical navigation, savvy?" He started, suddenly noticing that his shadow didn't look like him at all, but rather a lot like a certain ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face and a crab claw for a hand. "That can't be good."

It wasn't. The light vanished. The shadow grew, deepened, darkened until it encompassed over half the platform and took on a somewhat liquid form, like black seawater…and then tentacles began to grow from it. Tremendous, gargantuan tentacles, with nasty fanged suction caps the size of Jack's head on their undersides, big and strong enough to break ships like Jack's precious Black Pearl in two. "REALLY not good!" Jack yelled as the tentacles waved through the air, the unearthly howl of the Kraken ringing through the void.

But don't be afraid. And don't forget…

"I see no reason NOT to be afraid!" Jack yelled. "And what am I not supposed to forget?! Hello?! Anybody there?!" There was no reply. The Kraken, the rest of its body unseen, wailed and lashed out, its tentacles smashing down on the ground and nearly crushing Jack. The pirate did the sensible thing and turned and ran, quickly coming up to the edge of the platform. Deciding quickly falling into darkness would probably be better than getting eaten by the monster that had been pursuing him for the last few weeks, Jack quickly took a leap of faith (One might not expect a drunken pirate like Jack to have much in the way of faith, but like most pirates he was a Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster-fearing Pastafarian)…

And landed right back on the platform. "OH COME ON!" he yelled to the heavens. He heard the disembodied voice snicker again, the laugh drowned out by the Kraken's shriek. It seemed that Jack had no choice but to fight.

And fight he did. As he eagerly told Sora, he struggled with all his might, for what must have been hours (but was really maybe five minutes, possibly less, though it certainly felt like hours to poor Sora, who had little choice but to listen to the whole over-embellished story) against the Kraken's tendrils, dodging their attempts to crush or grab him, even managing to sever a few with his sword, which was proving to be much better than his real sword ever had been.

However, victory was impossible, as he soon discovered. The tentacles he severed regenerated themselves and lashed out at once, wrapping themselves around him in a tight, constricting bind which could crush him to jelly if the slightest pressure was applied. His sword arm pinned helplessly to his side, and realizing quite quickly that this crushing into jelly would no doubt happen if he tried struggling, Jack went limp in the monster's grasp, his mind racing desperately as the devil of the sea raised him high into the air.

The shadow the beast was hiding in rippled, and the tentacles rose higher as the Kraken pushed more of its tremendous bulk out of the surface of the platform, revealing its truly horrific mouth, a great hole which sucked at the air and was lined with far too many teeth than Jack dared to think about. That mouth opened to its widest and bellowed at him, the howl of a beast whose hunt at last was done, its prey utterly helpless and only moments from being consumed. Jack's eyes widened in horror and he started, quite reasonably, to scream his head off. "HEEEEEELLLLLLP!"

The voice spoke up once more. But don't be afraid. You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

"If I did, I DON'T THINK I'D BE IN THIS MESS DO YOU?!"Jack howled.

So don't forget… the voice continued. The tentacles around Jack began to loosen. You are not the one who will open the door. The tentacles let go completely, and Jack began to fall towards the gaping maw. But your destiny is no less important than his. For you bear the Keyblade…and all Keyblades are bound to the door.

The jaws slammed shut, silencing Jack Sparrow forever.

Or not. "AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" Jack screamed, sitting up in bed, naked. He blinked, and squeezed his eyes shut, his head throbbing violently and not responding well to the tiny amount of light filtering through the closed windows of the rented room. "Oh. 'S just a dream. That's good."

"Yes, very," agreed Jack's first mate Mr. Gibbs, sitting up in bed next to him, also naked.

There was a long pause, and then both men looked at each other, as if realizing they were there for the first time. Then both started screaming, which did little to help their respective hangovers or those of the rest of the people sleeping in the tavern.

…

"It wasn't long after that I discovered I could summon Follow the Wind whenever I wanted," Jack finished, scratching his back with his Keyblade. "And, after I accidentally did something to some big glowing keyhole, those tourists showed up, I tricked them into turning the Black Pearl into a space-worthy vessel, and headed off to plunder the riches of the universe. And that's how I got here. Not a bad story, is it mate?"

Sora was gone. Jack blinked and looked around. "Dora?" Sora was now on the other side of the room, hugging Donald and Goofy, whom he had spotted looking for him just a few minutes ago. Jack frowned and finished off his grog, somewhat miffed. "Well, that was rude of him."

Getting to his feet, Jack lurched away from the bar, swaying slightly, and not bothering to pay for the drink as he headed off to pick some pockets. The Neoshadow bartender narrowed its eyes at Jack as he swayed off, memorizing his heart-wave pattern, and swore an oath of vengeance against this vile drink-not payer, an oath which all Heartless from this day forward would carry out to the best of their ability.

That would be the one thousand seven hundred and sixty-ninth oath of vengeance sworn against Jack Sparrow by someone or other, but who's counting?

…

Kairi needed to use the restroom. She knew it was her own fault, this was what she got for drinking so much of the offered wine in an attempt to drown out the horrible things the witches discussed amongst themselves, and the ghastly sight of Jafar belly-dancing. There wasn't enough alcohol in the wine to give her more than a faint buzz, but more than enough liquid for her to need a restroom, badly.

Now, one might wonder why she didn't just _go_ to the restroom. Well, the reasons were twofold. First of all, she didn't know where the bathrooms were. Now, this problem could easily be remedied by asking Maleficent or somebody else, but here's where the second part comes in. Being evil, Kairi was rather certain that Maleficent might be cruel enough to forbid her from going to the bathroom, even going so far as to threaten Destiny Islands to make her stay at the table.

In addition, Kairi was a somewhat stubborn girl at times, as her friends could attest to, and she was not eager to have to stoop to asking her greatest foe for help.

Nevertheless, her need to go did not decrease with time, and it soon became uncomfortably clear to Kairi that she should either ask Maleficent, or risk embarrassing herself in front of all these witches. And so, reluctantly, she opened her mouth to ask…

And was interrupted when Magica DeSpell spoke up. "Darling, I need to use the powder room. Could you perhaps point me in the right direction?"

"Why certainly," Maleficent said kindly, pointing in the right direction. "It's right over there."

"Thank you," Magica said gratefully, getting up to go.

She wasn't the only one. A number of other witches, looking glad that Magica had asked first, quickly got up, murmured apologies, and swiftly headed after the duck. Apparently Kairi wasn't the only one who had drunk too much wine. This had the effect of leaving most of the table vacant, for the moment, and allowing Kairi to feel a bit less nervous about asking now.

Before she could, though, a number of Dusk waiters wobbled over, carrying bread rolls to tide them over until the chefs had finished making the next course and the next round of on-stage dancing could begin. Kairi noticed, with distaste, that the rolls were shaped like a certain piece of male anatomy. She took one anyway, because she was hungry.

"SeeDs! SeeDs!" Ultimecia, who was still at the table, screamed abruptly.

"What is it?" Maleficent asked in alarm.

"There are SEEDS on my roll!" Ultimecia said indignantly. "I absolutely ABHOR seeds!"

Mirage rolled her eyes. "Then either pick them off or get another roll, dear." She chewed on another roll herself, her fangs shredding into it, and Kairi tried not to see anything sexual in that.

Kairi was, once more, about to ask to use the restroom, when yet ANOTHER interruption came up. "Ah, is this seat taken?" a woman who was most definitely neither a witch nor evil asked, walking up to the table.

Maleficent frowned and narrowed her eyes. "Actually-"

"Excellent! I hope you don't mind," the woman said, stealing Rita Repulsa's seat, which was right next to Kairi's, which in turn was at Maleficent's left hand, right across from Mirage. The witch would not be pleased someone had taken her chair. Kairi noticed that the smile the woman gave Maleficent was rather strained. "I've been just _dying_ to get a chance to talk to you."

"Yes," Maleficent said warily. "I suppose you have."

The newcomer looked like some sort of animal/human thing, like Donald and Goofy did, though she was more…mammalian than Donald. Kairi had no idea what kind of animal the woman was supposed to be. Dog? Cat? Either way, she had a hairless tan face, a small black nose, lots of red-brown hair much like her own spreading out from her head in a vague loaf shape, and an expensive satin red dress. "I suppose I should introduce myself," the woman said.

"I know who you are," Maleficent said coolly. "Peg. Pete's ex-wife and the mother of his children."

"Yes," Peg said equally coolly. "That's it on the nail." Both women glared at each other for a long moment. Some of the other witches, returning from the bathroom, paused and looked at this tableau with interest. Poor Kairi wondered if she should make a break for the restroom now, but was almost too curious to see what would happen to leave just yet. "And you," Peg continued. "Are Maleficent, the evil fairy, and my husband's fiancé. The woman he's about to marry tomorrow."

"That's right," Maleficent said with a cruel smirk. "The woman he's chosen over you."

Peg gritted her teeth and dug her fingers into the table, shredding the tablecloth. "Yes, well, that's to be expected," she replied. "You are a witch, after all. And witches are known to be able to cast all kinds of _spells_ to seduce a man from his family." A number of the witches looked indignant at this. Sure, plenty of them could and sometimes did cast spells like that, but was Peg implying they couldn't possibly get a man on their own? The nerve of her!

Maleficent smiled thinly. "I needed no spell to seduce him," she said. "He was perfectly willing to come with me, especially after you _abandoned_ him and banished him to another dimension."

"We didn't abandon him!" Peg snapped. "And the banishment wasn't permanent, just until he had learned his lesson!"

"Ah, but his lesson for what, exactly?" Maleficent asked. "For trying to overthrow the monarchy in an attempt to keep his socialite wife in the expensive lifestyle she had grown accustomed to, because she wasn't satisfied with him being 'just' Captain of the Guard?"

"If you're suggesting I _told_ him to do what he did…" Peg said, cold fury building inside her.

"Told him? Of course not. You never _told_ him to try and stage a coup," Maleficent said, stroking her raven. "You merely complained about his salary, and how it wasn't enough to get all the things you liked, and how you believed he could do more with his life than _just_ being Captain of the Guard. And so, eventually he snapped." She smirked. "That isn't to say he might not have tried a coup anyway, he certainly had the potential in him to do it himself. However, it's questionable whether he would have done it at all without you complaining all the time. But I suppose that I should thank you for that Peg, because you pushed him I gained my most useful (in a fashion) minion."

"_You…_" Peg hissed.

"When I rescued Pete from his dimensional prison, he was more than happy to work for me and take revenge against the kingdom that he felt had betrayed him. Well, he knew he had betrayed _it_, but he understandably harbored a number of grudges…including a few against _you_, Peg, since you not only drove him to it but divorced him right before he was banished, showing him how much you really thought of him."

"…I shouldn't have done that," Peg admitted. "It was a mistake."

"Was it now? It certainly must have made sense at the time. After all, your social standing would have gone down significantly if you remained married to a known criminal. Whereas your perceived stigma would be less so if you simply _divorced_ him." Maleficent grinned. "However, I suppose I should thank you for that, because it freed him up to marry _me._ And for that, I will be eternally grateful." She raised her wineglass in a mocking salute to Peg.

"I'll still have been a better wife to him than you could ever be!" Peg snapped. "I cooked and cleaned for him, supported him and raised our children, picked him up after most of his cockamamie get-rich-quick schemes fell through-"

"And then pushed him to try a foolish coup, abandoning him when he became inconvenient," Maleficent finished. "I can offer him more power than you ever could. Entire armies and worlds under his command. A place by my right hand as I ascend to glory. Revenge against the Kingdom and people who betrayed him. Perhaps even a new family of his own…we're actually considering children someday."

Peg gasped in disbelief, and Kairi's eyes bulged, unable to process the thought of what the child of Pete and Maleficent might look like. "Oh yes…and you also give him torture! I've seen you blast him for irritating you or for your own amusement! At least I never abused my husband!"

"No, just abandoned him," Maleficent said with a yawn. "Whereas I rescued him and took him under my wing, giving him power beyond his wildest dreams. And perhaps I do employ a bit of corporal punishment…what of it? Would you believe he actually finds it, how should I put this…_kinky?_" She smirked at Peg's shocked expression and bit off the end of one of the inappropriate rolls, chewing suggestively. The other witches snickered and chatted, enjoying the innuendo and the exchange between the two women. "Oh, you didn't know, Peg? Then it seems I've gained yet another advantage over you…he likes me better in bed."

Kairi tried not to throw up from disgust at that thought, and ignored how Namine's somewhat deranged babbling took on a much more frenzied and panicked tone. By the look in Peg's eyes, Kairi realized Maleficent had, probably deliberately, pushed Pete's ex too far. Any moment now, Peg would do something violent, which would have no effect due to the Truce, but would still be very amusing to the other witches.

And this might also give her just the distraction she needed. She got up from her seat. "'Scuse me, going to the bathroom, back soon."

"What?" asked an alarmed Maleficent. "But-" She was cut off when Peg bellowed like a wounded hippopotamus and lunged at Maleficent. Much like Orpehus should have done on his way out of the Underworld, Kairi did not look back. She just ran and ran as fast as she could, making it to the bathroom before she could explode. And hopefully, the consequences for this action would not be too severe…

…

Pete was completely unaware that the women in his life were currently duking it out, and would have been disappointed not to see it if he knew about it. Still, he was having a lot of fun. His father-in-law-to-be, while rather terrifying, hosted a great party, and he and the other male villains of Maleficent's inner circle were having the time of their lives. The booze was good, the music was great, and of course the ladies were _excellent._ Pete frowned at Satan enviously while groping as many demonesses as he could at once, noting that Maleficent's father, due to his unrivaled sexual prowess, was actually doing it with _ten_ demonesses at once, and was still fully capable of simultaneously doing the crossword and sudoku puzzles in the daily newspaper. Talk about multi-tasking.

However, that came to an end when Xehanort walked up the stairs into their private area and ruined everything.

The demonesses and Heartless on the terrace instantly turned their attention to Xehanort, meaning they ignored the villains who had been enjoying them, much to their displeasure. Even Satan stopped doing the nasty with his women to glance at Xehanort when he sensed the man's dark aura. "Hmm? Who's this fool?"

"It's Xehanort!" said an alarmed Captain Hook, pulling his clothes back on. (Despite being mostly mechanical, he could still do it, amazingly enough.) "The seeker of darkness!"

"Not this guy again," growled an annoyed Hades.

"I thought he was dead," said a confused Oogie Boogie.

"So were you," Mozenrath reminded him, twitching slightly due to his medication.

"Hmm, good point."

"Hey, what're you doing here?" asked an annoyed Pete, pulling his pants up. "This place is reserved! Invitation only!"

"I know," Xehanort said, staggering slightly as he tried to maintain his balance. "I saw the sign at the bottom of the stairs. Nevertheless, I felt I had no choice but to disturb your privacy." He turned to the annoyed Satan. "Lord Satan, I have come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

There were a number of gasps from the other occupants of the terrace at this, only half of them due to Xehanort's comment and the other half caused by something the demonesses were doing to them. Pete's jaw dropped, and Satan scowled. "Yo, fool, you got some nerve comin' up here and asking me that on the eve of my baby-girl's wedding!" he said, getting angry. "No respect, dawg! I should totally rape you for that!"

"Yeah, because _I'm_ getting married to her, not you!" Pete said stubbornly. "So get lost!"

"Um, would you really…" Zurg quietly asked Satan.

"Rape him? Hell yes! Mastah S is all-man! So man that all the rest of you suckas are wimpy girls!" Satan boasted with a shining golden grin. "Especially the ones that look like girls, like that dawg over there. Makes it easier to do it. Like Mr. Badass One-Winged Angel, he's always good for a fun time!"

"…That's just wrong," said a freaked-out Negaduck.

"You are GUILTY of sexual deviance!" Judge Doom declared.

"Hey, fuck off!" Satan said angrily. "Don't be a hater, homophobe!"

Xehanort wisely decided to ignore Satan's comments and continue. "I am aware that your daughter, for whatever reason, has chosen Pete to be her…husband…" he said through gritted teeth. "However! I am a much more worthy man for the job than Pete could ever be?"

"Psh! As if," Pete snorted.

"What makes you say that, dawg?" Satan asked, lighting a cigarette with his fingers and puffing it…while STILL doing it with those ten demonesses.

"I am far more intelligent and powerful than this oaf here," Xehanort said, gesturing at Pete. "I command the darkness, while he just dabbles in it like an infant splashing about in a wading pool! Pete is no more than Maleficent's lacky; while _I_ am worthy to be her true equal and partner, not just another subordinate!" He glanced at Pete. "In addition," he sneered. "I'm much closer to her body type and proportions…in ALL the right ways." Pete glared angrily at the seeker while the other villains snickered.

"Hmm…you make some good points, dawg…" Satan admitted.

"WHAT!" Pete cried in horror.

"Hey, hey, hold on now! I said he made some good points, but that don't mean he's deserving of my daughter!" Satan clarified. "Now, my dawg Pete here, she likes him more than I think she's liked any man…"

"He's more of a cat-thing, actually," Abis Mal corrected timidly.

"She likes me that much?" said Pete in surprise, self-confidence rising as Xehanort scowled.

"BUT…he is kind of a wuss," Satan admonished.

"HEY!" Pete sputtered angrily.

"Then again, she seems to like that in a man, for some reason," Satan continued. "She likes feeling superior to 'em…and that's easier to do with a lackey than an equal."

"Uh, that's good, right?" Pete asked Flintheart, who shrugged.

"And you, man…you're so powerful even my girls stopped what they were doin' when they noticed you, and it takes a lot to make them do that," Satan said to Xehanort. "You're definitely Maleficent's equal, if not her superior…and she don't like kowtowing to nobody! Why do you think all her other marriages fell apart?"

"Even if that's the case, I have a great deal of affection for your daughter," Xehanort pressed. "And I think that, if we try, we can make it work."

"Yeah, that's what all the others said," Satan grunted, dismissing the ten demonesses he was done with and calling new ones to get under him. As he started using them, he considered for a few moments, puffing on his cigar. Finally, he said, "You came up here, just bargin' on up and wrecking the party we got going here with no invitation and the attitude that you could get away with it. I don't like that, dawg. That shows you got no respect! Not for my homies, and certainly not for Mastah S! But," he admonished. "You were polite about it, so I guess I gotta give you props for that. So…here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna give both you dawgs a fair chance to prove yourselves worthy of my daughter's hand."

"What!" protested Pete. "But, but that's not fair! I thought the wedding was a done deal!"

"Not anymore it ain't. Not unless you put this mofo in his place, that is!" Satan informed the crestfallen Pete. "Here's what we're gonna do: the both of you are gonna have to compete in a series of trials for Maleficent's hand, oldskool style. Whoever does best wins it all!"

"I am honored and grateful for this opportunity to prove my worth," Xehanort said graciously, trying to keep from being slightly disoriented by the alcohol, ignoring the other villains' glares and grumblings about him.

"You should be, dawg…you should be," Satan grunted. "So!" He slapped his palms together. "Let the games begin!"

_And don't worry, P-dawg,_ Satan said telepathically to Pete, startling him, for he had not known Satan was telepathic. _You can cheat and get as much help from your homies as you need._ Pete smiled in relief at this. Maybe things would work out for him after all.

…

The chamber the six entered was large and very dark. Even the magical glow the Gullwings could generate didn't seem to make a dent in the impenetrable darkness. Selphie had taken to pulling at her (or everyone else's) hair, muttering about how the darkness would devour them, the black aliens were coming to probe her, and other such paranoid delusions that were uniquely Selphie. "We'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadie…" Selphie chanted like a mantra as they walked through the chamber.

"Why did we bring her again?" asked an exasperated Paine.

"Because Ms. Hikari told us to?" Yuna recalled. "And her own parents wouldn't take her when we tried dropping her off?"

"Do you blame them?" Wakka grumbled, trying to get Selphie to let go of his hair. She responded by biting him. "OW! SELPHIE!"

"Did it break the skin?" asked a concerned Tidus.

"No…but it still hurt!" Wakka said, cradling his arm and looking in anguish at the bite marks.

"That was yummy," Selphie said, licking her lips. "Can I have more?" They stared at her in horror and quickly distanced themselves as much as they could from the insane girl.

Their progress was halted when a very bright spotlight clicked on, shining down on them from the hidden ceiling. "What's this? Six adventurers, wandering through the Tomb of Ohalland all by themselves? And so young, too! What're your names, kiddies?" a shrill, yet booming voice echoed from the darkness.

"Don't tell it our names, since it asked first," Yuna warned the group. "If it's a magical creature, it might be able to use them to hurt us."

"Like that one time Ri—I mean the klutz here got us all turned into dolls by telling this voodoo chicken in a far-off swamp who we were by telling it our names," Paine recalled. "Let me tell you, THAT was one heck of a mess to get out of."

"Well, it seemed polite at the time," Rikku grumbled.

"Our names are-" Selphie started.

"Selphie, no!" Tidus hissed, clamping his hands over her face…and cursing himself moments later as he realized what he had just done.

"Tidus!" cried the alarmed Wakka, only to realize he had done the same stupid thing. "Shit."

"Tidus and Selphie, huh?" the voice said. More spotlights switched on, focusing on the group at various angles and blinding them. "And the rest of you?"

"Nobody," said Yuna.

"Nothing," said Rikku.

"Nobodaddy," said Paine.

"And, uh…Noman," Wakka said, vaguely recalling some story hero using that name.

"Wow, and so many of you have the same first syllable…what a coincidence!" the voice mocked, sarcasm clear in its tone. "Well, let's give our guests a BIG Ohalland's tomb welcome tooooo…"

The spotlights shut off, and the regular lights came on, revealing the room to be a massive chamber with garish, practically glowing colors flamboyantly covering the walls, with huge flashing neon signs, arrows, and other weird sigils everywhere. "YOU!"

Three of the four walls were taken up by stadium seats housing what had to be several hundred skeletons and rotting corpses, cheering raucously at the six adventurers, who found themselves standing on top of a lit podium. "CAN'T!"

The wall across from them had even more neon, as well as several large television screens flashing seizure-inducing patterns, and a giant glowing sign with the words YOU CAN'T WIN! Written on it, with a large set of stone double doors in the wall underneath it. "WIN!" The neon signs flashed and colored spotlights spun all across the room, inciting the undead audience to cheer and the six to look around in fright and confusion as canned music started playing. "YOU CAN'T WIN!" the mysterious voice repeated. "The greatest of all game shows, with only one simple rule, namely that no matter what you do, you can't win!"

The lights stopped flashing and a single spotlight shone down on a circular podium right before the group. It opened up, and a strange creature that looked to the Gullwings almost like a Moogle, but clearly wasn't, floated out. Its body was shaped differently, with an almost pear-shaped figure, two scrawny arms much shorter than the legs, which were themselves very short and ended in almost clownishly long feet, and had a very long tail like that of a monkey's, with a swollen area at the end. Other than that, it looked pretty much like any other Moogle…aside from its lack of a nose, the demented look in its oversized blue eyes and its serrated, misshapen fangs, and the fact that it was wearing a pinstriped two-piece suit with a big red bowtie. "Hi there!" the Moogle mutant said into the microphone in its hand, revealing itself to be the mysterious voice they had heard moments ago. "I'm Mewgle, and I'll be your host for today's showing of…"

"YOU CAN'T WIN!" the undead audience and all the neon signs and TV screens proclaimed.

Tidus and Wakka gasped. "Oh! I remember what this part is now!" the blond said, looking horrified.

"Yeah, this is supposed to be one of the most difficult areas of the tomb, and that's saying something!" said an alarmed Wakka. "According to what I remember from the plans, that Mewgle thing is some kind of pure evil being with reality-warping powers from another universe that managed to travel to our world after it's universe's destruction and survive its own demise. It loves games, and beating people at them so they die, but Ohalland managed to somehow defeat it in a game of Blitzball and task it to guard his tomb for eternity."

Mewgle's eye twitched at the name. "Yep, that's me all right. And the rules say that you can't pass through that door behind me and get to the heart of the tomb unless you beat my game."

"And if we don't win?" Yuna asked.

"Then you'll die," Mewgle said, as if it were obvious, which it probably was. "Duh. Oh, and I think you should know that nobody has EVER beaten this game of mine. I'm rather proud of it, too. But my audience can attest to that better than I ever could, they're all of your predecessors who've made it that far!" The undead waved and moaned at the six amiably and welcomingly, scaring the heck out of them.

"Maybe we should have gone a different way," Rikku said anxiously. "I mean, LeBlanc and her goons clearly didn't come this way, right?"

"Well, we might have come a different way…if our guides had remembered the tomb plans a little better," Paine grunted, glaring at Tidus and Wakka. "If we die because of this, I'm killing you two. Again."

Tidus groaned. "I _knew_ we should have bought that tourist edition of the plans they were offering at the tomb entrance…"

"But they were so expensive!" Wakka protested. "50 munny apiece! Not like maps of the island or some of the other ruins, which are maybe 10, 15 munny tops. We made the right decision." Wakka paused and considered that for a moment. "Or…not…" he said weakly.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie shrieked.

"Yes you are, little girl…" Mewgle chuckled. "Yes you are." He twirled a bit as he floated into the air. "Let the games begin!" Tons of spotlights focused on him, and the audience cheered. As if they could do anything else… "Now, which victim, I mean contestant, should we start with first? Hmm, let's see now…" The lights dimmed and a spotlight switched on, flashing over each one of the six anxious contestants in quick succession and repetition, with a drumbeat in the background. "I think we'll start wiiiiith…"

The spotlight stopped on Rikku. She gasped, and her friends looked at her anxiously. "Miss Nothing! Come on down!"

"Uh, o-okay guys," Rikku said weakly as the lights came back on. "Wish me luck…"

"We're rooting for you," Paine said solemnly. The others nodded, except for Selphie, who was poking one of the zombies in the audience.

Swallowing, Rikku floated over to Mewgle as he lowered himself back onto his podium. "Okay Nothing, here's how this is gonna work." Mewgle handed her a large chrome suitcase. She almost was dragged to the floor by the thing's weight. "That suitcase MAY contain a million munny in it. OR…it holds one of many other possible ways for you to die horribly. Okay?" Rikku nodded anxiously. "Good. Now…you see that window over there? And the silhouette in it?" Mewgle was pointing to a shaded window high on the wall through which a seated figure in profile could just barely be seen. "That guy is a broker. He wants to buy whatever's in that suitcase, because HE knows what's actually in there…while you don't. Now, the premise of this little game is simple. In a moment, that broker is going to call me and make an offer, in munny, for whatever's in that suitcase. You can either accept his offer, or you can refuse it and see what's in the suitcase. If you're lucky, it'll be a million munny, which is way more than whatever he's going to offer you. BUT…there's also a chance it'll be something that will kill you the moment you open the suitcase, in a horrible agonizing way." Rikku gulped.

"What if the offer's a bad one?" Yuna asked.

"Then she can reject it and open the suitcase, as I said," Mewgle explained.

"What, she can't bargain for a better deal?" Tidus asked with a frown.

"No," Mewgle said flatly. "She can't." There was a beeping noise, and Mewgle quickly answered a cell phone he hadn't been holding a moment ago, glancing at the silhouette in the window, who was now also visibly speaking on a phone. "Uh huh…okay…I see. I'll tell her. Bye." He hung up the phone and turned to Rikku. "That was the broker. He's ready to make his offer."

"And?" Rikku asked anxiously. "How much?"

"He said he's willing to pay five hundred munny for that suitcase," Mewgle told her. "Plus, he's also willing to throw in a twelve-pack of Fairy Dew diet soda and free tickets to the next Blitzball world series finals because you're so cute."

"Oh! That's my favorite soda!" said a surprised Rikku, nearly dropping the suitcase.

"Ooh! Ooh! Take that!" Wakka cried. "Those tickets are mondo expensive! I've never been able to go in person, even though my best friend's dad manages to make it to the finals just about every year!"

"Hey, those tickets are hard to get, even for a player," Tidus countered. "And even if the tickets are free, that doesn't mean they're for good seats. How many tickets is the broker offering, and for which seats? Ri—I mean Nothing should only accept the very best, if she's possibly giving up a million dollars!"

"But we don't _know_ there's a million in there," Yuna pointed out. "It could just as easily be a death trap. And she won't need those tickets if we don't plan to be here long enough to see the game, once we find a way off-world."

"Then she can give them to us!" Wakka begged the fairies. "Come on Nothing, take the deal!"

"I don't know…" Paine said doubtfully. "A million munny is a _lot_ of munny…as treasure hunters, we can't discard it so easily. Then again…we _do_ have to keep Nothing's safety in mind…still, with that much munny, we could easily repair the ship."

"Assuming there's a Gummi garage anywhere near here, which there probably isn't," Yuna pointed out. "And besides, it's just as likely the suitcase is a death trap. We can't risk Nothing like that!"

"But…if it's a million munny, we could probably still use it to get _real_ good seats to the game, since we still don't know what tickets the broker's offering," Tidus pointed out.

"Aw man…this is confusing," moaned Wakka.

"Rikkunothing!" Selphie called, waving the contents of her pockets into the air. "I'll give you one and a half munny, a half-eaten moldy bar of chocolate, some marbles, lint, beeswax, and beetle larva for that suitcase!" Everyone ignored her.

"Ohhhh…" Rikku moaned. "Everyone be quiet! I can't think under all this pressure!"

Hearing this, Mewgle grinned and cheerfully began applying even more pressure. "So, what'll it be, Nothing? Five hundred munny, soda, and tickets to the Blitzball world finals…or a chance at a million munny? What'll it be? Deal…or no deal? Deal…or no deal?"

"DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL?" the audience shouted loudly. Rikku squealed and held her head, trying to drown out the voices, which were overshadowing any of her friends' cries of encouragement. "DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL?"

"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!" she screamed, giving in to pressure. "DEAL! DEAL! TAKE THE DAMN SUITCASE!"

"Okay," Mewgle said cheerfully, taking it from her. The audience cheered. "Here's your five hundred munny," he said, dropping the currency into her wallet. "And your soda. And your tickets, of course."

There was a puff of smoke, and Rikku was suddenly holding a twelve-pack of cans of Fairy Dew diet soda. "All right!" She eagerly ripped out one can, popped it open, drank…and instantly spat it out. "BLECH! It tastes terrible!"

"Well, no wonder," Paine said, taking it from Rikku. "According to the label here, these expired two centuries ago."

"WHAT! No fair!" Rikku complained.

"And these tickets are the worst seats in the stadium!" Tidus complained, looking at the tickets he had picked off the ground. "It's nice that there's enough for all of us, but still…"

"Hey, at least that means I get to go," Wakka said cheerfully. "No complaints here!"

"According to this, one of the seats is behind a support pillar…" murmured Tidus.

"You'll be taking that one," Wakka said flatly. "Or maybe my brother. Or…yeah, let's give it to Selphie."

Selphie scowled. "My deal was much better than his…"

"Oh well," Yuna said to the depressed Rikku. "At least the money's good."

"Would you all like to see what's in the suitcase?" Mewgle asked. "To see if Nothing made a good deal or not?"

"Doesn't make a difference now, but sure, why not?" said Paine.

"All right." Mewgle opened the suitcase and… "Oh my! What do you know, there was a million munny in here after all," he said to the stunned sextet and the crestfallen Rikku. "Oh well, hope you're happy with what you got, you're certainly worth it! Bwahahahaha!" He made sure not to tell her that there most certainly had not been a million munny in the suitcase while she had been holding it, but an incredibly lethal virus that would have caused her flesh to melt off her bones, her organs to misfire, and for all her nerve endings to light up with horrible pain as she writhed on the floor for several minutes dying slowly. Reality-warping powers were very fun indeed. "And now for our next round! Since Nothing's done, that leaves five contestants to go! And this time we'll pick…" The spotlight, accompanied by drumroll, ran over the five remaining adventurers in quick succession. "TIDUS!" The blonde yelped as several spotlights focused on him and canned music started playing. "Come on down, my man!"

"Uh, okay," Tidus said nervously as Wakka patted him on the back and wished him luck and Yuna gave him an encouraging smile, which made him much more confident.

"Now, Tidus," Mewgle said, floating down and putting an arm around the boy's shoulder. Chills ran down the teen's spine as Mewgle made contact with his skin. "How much would you say a brand-new Gummi ship is?"

"Um…I don't know. A lot of munny?" Tidus guessed uncertainly.

"A lot of munny, huh? Well, you'll find out for sure right now!" A section of the floor receded, and a colorful rocket-shaped vehicle that looked like the one Sora, Kairi and Riku had flown away on earlier rose up on a pedestal. Numerous spotlights focused on it, and the audience 'oohed' and 'aahed'. "Now, T-Bone (Can I call you that?), here's how this next part works. You're going to guess how much one of these babies costs on the open market, with NO HELP whatsoever from your friends. If your guess is relatively close, you'll get the ship free of charge and can use it to fly around wherever you want!"

"And if I guess wrong?" asked Tidus, annoyed by being called T-Bone.

"Then you don't get it," Mewgle said simply. "So, T-Bone…what's your guess? Will the price be right?"

"Um…" Tidus quickly glanced at his friends, only to see they were all struggling with the zippers that had suddenly appeared over their mouths. He swallowed and glanced back at the ship, thinking hard. _If I win this ship, Yuna'll be really impressed with me! But…it also means she'll have a way off-world, so she and her friends will leave! And I don't want her to go…but, if I don't get it for her, or if she thinks that I may have willfully failed to get the right price just to keep her there, she'd never forgive me…_ He bit his lip and decided to try his hardest to get the right price.

So. How expensive could a spaceship be? Tidus' best bet was, a lot of money. After all, the cruise ships or yachts some tourists traveled in cost thousands and thousands of munny. And that was just for something to cross an ocean! How much more must it cost to construct something capable of traveling the stars?

Then again, he didn't really know much about the economics of Gummi ships. He thought that part of the reason big ships were so expensive was because of their parts and the munny needed to manufacture and assemble them. So, how much munny was expended to manufacture and assemble the parts of a Gummi ship? For that matter, what the hell was a Gummi ship made of?! He was pretty sure the materials used had something to do with prices to.

He recalled Sora mentioning that the cheapest Gummi blocks he could buy (those he didn't find by blowing up other ships or opening treasure chests, anyway) had cost roughly under ten to a few hundred munny, or even around a thousand munny, though only the rarest or most powerful parts were usually that expensive, and even then rarely _that_ much. Though Sora had also mentioned prices varying between the shops which sold Gummi blocks he had been to in his adventures, but Tidus supposed supply and demand, as well as product availability, had had something to do with that.

So, the fact that parts were so cheap (relatively speaking), and could be found so easily, to the point where Sora could actually _eat_ spare parts (the fact that they were edible probably lowered their cost, in Tidus' mind), suggested the cost of manufacturing a Gummi ship probably wasn't nearly as much as it was to build a yacht. And he _thought_ the sales price of a vehicle was only a certain percentage higher than it cost to make it, and if it didn't cost much to make it, it therefore didn't take much more munny than that to purchase. Of course, he had no idea what the mark-up price for a gummi ship was, nor how much it cost to build one, since Sora hadn't told him that sort of information, if he had even known.

Still, from what Tidus did know, he assumed he could make a rough estimate. And if that estimate was close enough, then he'd win the ship and Yuna would love him for it. Tidus looked at the ship for a long moment, trying to recall anything Sora might have mentioned about the price of Gummi ship parts, which wasn't much, but it was still something. He attached a rough price estimate to every piece of the ship he could see, made up a few more prices for vitals parts he couldn't see (life support, interior space, control systems, navigation, frills and extras, etc.), added those prices together, multiplied it by a percentage he pulled out of thin air, ran all the calculations through his head a few times (Wouldn't his math teacher be proud! If only he put this much dedication into his other school studies…), decided it sounded reasonable, and presented it to Mewgle. "Um…is the ship around…two to three thousand munny?" he asked anxiously.

Mewgle looked at him for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face. "I'm sorry, but…that's completely and absolutely WRONG!"

"What!" gasped a horrified Tidus. Had he miscalculated somehow? Probably, he thought unhappily, he had gotten it completely and totally wrong from the start. "Then…can you at least tell me what the real price is?"

"Mmm…no," Mewgle said. "No ship for you!" Laughing maniacally, he pulled a lever and a huge spiked weight slammed down from the ceiling and smashed the poor ship into smithereens. Tidus flinched. Mewgle giggled insanely, drool dribbling down his chin. "Your turn is over, LOSER. Go back with the others and consider how horribly you FAILED!" The crowd booed and jeered at the despondent boy, and mocking music started to play.

Totally depressed, Tidus rejoined the group, which had regained the use of their voices. They gave him sympathetic smiles and encouragements and pats on the back, but all Tidus had to do was see the faint sorrow in Yuna's eyes to know how badly he'd screwed up.

"Now, let's choose our next contestant!" Mewgle said gleefully. The lights dimmed, the drumroll played, and the spotlight ran over the remaining four adventurers before finally picking… "SELPHIE! COME ON DOWN!" Selphie squealed and clapped and hopped up and down with joy, while everyone else got a vague sensation of impending doom.

"Okay Selphie, do you like eating things?" Mewgle asked Selphie patronizingly as she rushed over to him.

"She most certainly does," Wakka whispered to the other fairies as Selphie nodded eagerly. "And not just flowers too. Why do you think she has all that stuff in her pockets?" The Gullwings made faces of disgust.

"Then, you should have no trouble eating this ENTIRE bowl of poisonous scorpions in thirty seconds," Mewgle said gleefully, gesturing to a giant bowl of scorpions that appeared from the floor. "Starting-"

Selphie screamed with joy and immediately leapt into the bowl. Crunching and squishing sounds could be heard instantly, as scorpion bits and juices flew through the air. Mewgle blinked. "Now?"

The next several seconds were truly and completely disgusting. It was all the five adventurers could do not to throw up as they watched Selphie ravenously and monstrously devour the poor scorpions. The terrified arachnids tried to climb out of the bowl, but the sides were too high or smooth, and they were swiftly caught and consumed by the hunger demon that was Selphie. Even Mewgle looked sickened and disturbed, and it took a lot to sicken or disturb him.

It was not long before all the scorpions were eaten and Selphie was left sitting at the bottom of the bowl, covered in bits of carapace and bodily fluids, with a serene smile on her face. A terrified Rikku began wondering if perhaps Selphie wouldn't eat the fairies as dessert and quickly hid behind Paine. "O…kay," Mewgle said slowly. "Thank you for that mortifying scene which will be engraved in my memory forever. However," he said, checking his watch. "While you _did_ manage to eat them all in under thirty seconds…you jumped the gun by starting to eat _before_ I started the timer, so you're automatically disqualified. Yes, I know that's not fair," he said to Selphie's 'friends'' protests. "That's why I did it. Because I'm cruel and evil. Bwahahahahaha!" The crowd cheered ecstatically.

Selphie belched happily as she was lifted out of the bowl by a mechanical claw and deposited back with the others, reeking horribly. "HI!" she shrieked, bombarding them with scorpion breath. They nearly passed out from the poisonous fumes.

"She smells worse than a Malboro," said an incredulous Paine. "Nobody, would a Silence spell do anything here?"

Yuna shook her head. "It would keep her from talking, not from exhaling."

Everyone stared at her in disbelief. "You mean you could have shut her up anytime, but you didn't?!" said an incredulous Wakka.

Yuna flushed. "I didn't think it would be a nice thing to do…" They groaned. Yuna's teammates shook their heads and rolled their eyes at her typical kindheartedness.

"Next contestant!" called Mewgle. The spotlight went through its selection process, quickly singling Yuna out from the group.

"Oh my," she said, alarmed.

"Don't worry Nobody, you'll be fine!" Rikku assured her cousin. She didn't look too sure. Tidus watched anxiously as she floated over to Mewgle.

"Now, Nobody, are you any good at dancing?" Mewgle asked the fairy.

Yuna blinked. "Um, yes actually, I am," she said in surprise.

Mewgle frowned at this. "Really? Then you wouldn't mind teaching this gigas here how to dance in, oh, thirty seconds?" he asked, a spotlight turning on over a large four-armed green ogre picking its nose.

"What!" Yuna said in alarm.

"There's no way she can do that! Uh, is there?" Tidus asked the fairies.

"There may be _one _way…" Paine murmured thoughtfully. "If she brought it."

"You were messing with it before, actually," Rikku reminded Tidus.

He blinked. "Huh? I was?"

Yuna stared up at the gigas, which blinked dumbly at her, and took a deep breath. "Okay…"

"Starting…now!" Mewgle commanded.

Yuna quickly switched into her Songstress dressphere, which Tidus immediately recognized, since he had been wearing it earlier. "Oh yeah, _that_ thing…" It didn't look exactly the same on Yuna as it had on Tidus (its main color was dark blue, it had more frills and skirt than Tidus' version had, as well as high brown boots and no visible belt. There was also a rather nice necklace.), but it was still recognizable.

"She looks pretty good in it," commented Wakka.

"And you did, too," Selphie said to Tidus, creeping him (and the others, naturally) out.

Knowing she had only a limited amount of time, Yuna began dancing in the air, singing into her microphone-on-a-stick and drowning out the annoying gameshow music with her own song, "Thousand Words", which annoyed Mewgle to no end. Spotlights focused on her as well, which also frustrated Mewgle. And as Yuna sang and danced, her melody took root in the hearts of those watching and…they began to dance as well. Or clap, or stomp, or whatever, but they were still taking part in her number, carried by the power of her song. Even Mewgle started tapping his foot in tune, which he put a stop to by whacking it with a hammer repeatedly, eye twitching.

The gigas stared blankly at Yuna, not understanding what she was doing. Its brain was too tiny. But even its peanut-sized mind was unable to fully escape the power of Yuna's song. It dug its claws into it, causing a light to go on in its eyes and an energy to flow through its muscles. It raised its foot slowly, about to make the first step in a dance…

And time ran out. "Oh, I'm sorry, your time is UP!" Mewgle cackled gleefully, rejoicing at Yuna and her friends' shocked expressions. "I have to compliment you on the nice job dear, but it took WAY too long, and the gigas didn't dance at all! So, you FAIL!"

The crowd booed and jeered at Yuna as her shoulders sagged and her clothes returned to normal. "…Oh. I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to your friends! Who you let down BAD!" Mewgle giggled madly. "LOSER!"

"Don't listen to him," Rikku reassured the crestfallen Yuna as she rejoined the group. "You did great! A few more seconds, and-"

"And that's just it, Nothing," Yuna said unhappily. "'A few more seconds'. I took too long, and that may have cost us everything."

"Well…for what it's worth, Yu--I mean, Nobody--I think you did great," Tidus said honestly.

She smiled at him, and his heart fluttered. "Thank you, Tidus."

"She SUCKED!" Selphie complained. They ignored her.

"Only two contestants left! Who will be next to fail?" Mewgle wondered as the spotlight flashed between Wakka and Paine. "And our next contestant is…NOBODADDY!" he cried as it stopped on Paine.

"Wish me luck," she said to the others as she floated over to Mewgle. They did just that.

"Okay, Nobodaddy—kind of a strange name, isn't it? I mean, you look more like a Nobomommy to me—all you have to do is…guess what number I'm thinking!"

They all stared at him. The audience cheered. "What?" Paine asked in disbelief.

"Guess what number I'm thinking!" Mewgle repeated.

Paine blinked. "Um…okay, what's it between?"

"It's between negative infinity and positive infinity," Mewgle said proudly. "And includes decimals as well as fractions."

"So basically, it's one out of a literally infinite range of numbers," Paine said flatly.

"Yep!"

"I hate you."

"That makes my evil heart swell with joy."

Paine sighed. It was clear she couldn't win here. "Okay, I guess…fifty-two," she said.

"And that is absolutely WRONG!" Mewgle screamed joyfully. The audience jeered Paine.

"Yeah, I figured," Paine said flatly. "And, of course, you're not going to tell me the right number."

"Nope!"

"Big whoop." Paine grunted, and rejoined the group. Mewgle frowned, somewhat off-put by her indifference. He would have to do something about that.

Dramatic music played, and spotlights circled the room, causing the audience to cheer. "And we're now in our final round! Noman, come on up!" Mewgle announced.

"Okay…this is it…no pressure, ya?" Wakka said to his friends.

"Just do your best," Yuna said reassuringly. "We'll deal with whatever happens later."

"You can do it, Noman!" Tidus told his friend.

"You're gonna die," Selphie said sweetly. They ignored her.

Wakka quickly ran over to Mewgle. "Okay, let's get this over with. What do you want me to do?"

"Oh, not much," Mewgle said as a pair of seats opposing each other rose out of the floor. An electronic podium with a computer screen was facing each chair, back-to-back. "Just a little game of WHO WANTS TO LIVE!" The lights dimmed significantly and very dramatic music played as spotlights swung in from the far corners of the room to focus on the seats.

"Yeah, that's not exactly reassuring…" Rikku murmured uneasily.

"So, here's how this is going to work," Mewgle said, taking a seat. Wakka sat down across from him. "I'm going to ask you five questions. For each question you get right, you win one thousand munny. Get all of them correct, and you win an extra five thousand, making a total of ten thousand! And for each one you get wrong…" He grinned sinisterly. "One of your friends will die."

"WHAT!" Wakka cried, horrified.

Spotlights focused on his friends, who were now, to their surprise, dangling from ropes wrapped around their arms and chests with weights tied to their feet above a pool of water full of seething piranha, sharks, and crocodiles, all of which had lasers strapped to their heads. "How'd we get up here?!" cried a startled Tidus.

"Rikku," Yuna said, abandoning their code names in light of this disaster. "Can you work your way free?"

"I can't!" Rikku complained, struggling and trying every maneuver she had learned in thief training. "This rope must be magic or something! I can't break free!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed.

"For once," said a worried Paine. "She might be right."

"Oh yes, one other little twist," Mewgle said. "Since there are only five questions, that means you can get only one wrong, but still have four friends left. So I'm going to raise the stakes by making each wrong answer eliminate ALL of the friends that were spared by any correct answers you've already given, plus the requisite one friend per wrong answer. So, if you answer the first two questions correctly but the third wrongly, three of your friends will die instead of just one. Got it?"

Wakka swallowed. "Th-that's way too much pressure, mon! Totally unfair!"

"Yes, I know," said Mewgle. "Let's begin, shall we?" Dramatic music played, spotlights focused, and the audience cheered. "Now, for the first question." Wakka blinked as his screen filled up with text, a question and four boxes containing possible answers. "Who was the 35th captain of the Blitzball team called the Luca Goers, who led the team to victory in the 27th annual World Cup? Was it A. Bickson, B. Judda, C. Miyu, or D. Wedge?" Tense music was playing.

"Oh, that's easy!" said a surprised Wakka, who as we all know is a Blitzball buff. "A. Bickson!" The answer flashed on screen, triumphant music played, the audience booed, and the five entrapped adventurers sighed in relief.

"That's right!" said Mewgle, looking oddly pleased. "Second question!" The screen cleared and reset itself with a new question, as the dramatic music from before played and spotlights swiveled down on them. "What is the name of your friend Rikku's brother? Is it. A. Biggs, B. Bartz, C. Brother, or D. Alfed Al-Cid?"

Wakka blinked in confusion. "How would I know that? Rikku never told me she had a brother."

"Well, she does," Mewgle said cheerfully. "Can you guess his name?"

"Uh…" Wakka scratched his head, at a loss. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the fairies frantically mouthing a name, but unfortunately he was terrible at lip reading. "Aw man…can't I ask Rikku?"

Mewgle considered for a moment. "As a matter of fact, you can. I forgot to mention that you have three lifelines you can use if you have trouble answering a question. You can either phone a friend, remove two of the incorrect answer choices, or ask the audience. Since Rikku's here and watching helplessly, I suppose she technically counts as an audience…so yes, you can ask her. However, you may use each lifeline only once, and then it's gone. Understand?"

"Yeah. Rikku!" Wakka called up to her. "What's your brother's name?"

"Brother!" Rikku called back.

Wakka blinked. "…Your brother's name is Brother?"

"Blame my dad," Rikku said with the best shrug she could muster under the circumstances. "He chose the name, not me. Or my mom. Or Brother, for that matter."

"Uh, I'll go with what she said, Brother," Wakka said. The answer flashed on screen, triumphant music played, and the audience groaned.

"That's correct!" Mewgle said pleasantly. "Congratulations Wakka, you've earned two thousand munny and spared two of your friends! But of course, from this point on the stakes increase exponentially, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know," Wakka said nervously.

"Good! On to the next question!" The same stuff that had happened with the last two questions happened again. "Both the Duel Monsters Raviel, Lord of Phantasms, and Hamon, Lord of Striking Thunder, from the Yu-Gi-Oh card game have 4000 attack points. How many attack points does their 'brother' Uria, Lord of Searing Flames, possess? A. 4000, B. 8000, C. 0 or D. None, it doesn't exist."

Wakka scratched his head in confusion. "Yu-Gi-Wha? I've never heard of it, or any of those things."

"Would you like to use a lifeline?" Mewgle asked.

"Wait, hold on. Okay, let's see…" Wakka thought hard. "If these three are 'brothers', and the first two have the same attack points, it would make sense for Uria to have the same amount…but, he might not. It could be a trick question. But, since I've never heard of this game, it might not be. Umm…" He chewed his lip for a moment. "This is too risky. If I guess wrong, I'll lose three of my friends. So…yeah, I'll use a lifeline. Since I don't think anyone I know has heard of it, I'll use that other one you mentioned, where you remove two wrong answers."

"Very well." Mewgle fiddled with his screen, and suddenly selections A and B vanished.

Wakka blinked. "Okay, that makes things easier…so I was right, it is a trick question. Let's see…Uria's title sounds sorta like the other two, so…I don't think it's a fake. Then again, I've never heard of this game, so it might not exist at all. Man, this is tough." He thought for another few moments, sweating slightly from the pressure and the lights. "Um…I think…I'll pick C, 0."

"Is that your final answer?" Mewgle asked. "Remember, if you're wrong, three of your friends will die."

Wakka started and went pale. He opened his mouth, paused, shut it, then frowned at the screen anxiously. Was C the right choice? Maybe it was D after all. But…

He frowned and shook his head. No, Mewgle was just trying to psyche him out. It had to be C. It had to be. He hoped.

Swallowing hard, and hoping he wasn't making a huge mistake, Wakka took a deep breath and said, "Yes, that's my final answer."

"And you are…CORRECT!" The audience booed, but Wakka and his friends all sighed in relief.

"Hooray Wakka!" Yuna cheered gratefully.

Wakka smiled weakly and wiped away some sweat, realizing all too well how close that had been. "We've passed the halfway point, and the stakes are even higher now. Here's the next question." The same old stuff happened. "How many evolved forms does the Pokemon Eevee have, A. 3, B. 5, C. 7, or D. None?"

"Pokemon?" Wakka blinked in confusion. "That sounds vaguely familiar…" He snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, I think I saw Lulu playing some game like that once…but I don't know anything about it…"

"Would you like to call this Lulu? Perhaps she could enlighten you," Mewgle suggested.

"Hmm…yeah, all right," Wakka said with a nod. "Let's call her."

"All right." There was a pause, and then a dial tone could be heard throughout the room. There were three rings, and then a click followed by a familiar voice saying, "Hello?" Wakka sighed in relief when he heard that voice.

"Hi, Lulu, my name is Mewgle and I'm the host of the game show You Can't Win! Your boyfriend Wakka here is currently struggling to save his friends' lives and needs your help with a difficult question," the host explained.

"Hmm…that does sound serious," Lulu said. "I'll do whatever I can to help."

Mewgle nodded. "Good. Wakka, you have thirty seconds."

"Okay, Lu, do you know a Pokemon called Eevee?" Wakka asked quickly, knowing he was on the clock.

"Yes, why?"

"How many evolved forms does it have?"

"Good question. It started with 3, then grew to 5 and finally 7 in later versions of the game," Lulu told him. "There may be more in the future, but I don't know about those yet."

"So there are 7 forms?" Wakka asked again, just to be clear.

"Yes."

"Okay, thanks Lu."

"Anytime, Wakka."

"Say hi to Chappu for me, okay?"

"Huh?" Lulu sounded confused. "I thought Chappu was with-"

"And I'm sorry, but time's up!" Mewgle interrupted, severing the connection. "So, Wakka, do you know the answer?"

"Yes," said Wakka. "It's C. 7!"

"That is CORRECT!" Lights flashed, music played, crowd booed, etc. "And now you have four thousand munny, and so far all of your friends are safe. This last question is the big one. If you win, you earn ten thousand munny and save your friends! If you fail, they all die! So no pressure, huh?"

"Bring it!" said Wakka, invigorated by his brief contact with Lulu.

"Very well." The screen cleared, and a question appeared, but no answers came with it. "What is the 10th word on the 17th line from the top on the 675th page of that great novel, War and Peace?"

Wakka drew a blank. "Uh…what?"

"You heard me. What is the 10th word on the 17th line from the top on the 675th page of that great novel, War and Peace?" Mewgle repeated.

Wakka looked at the question in confusion. "But…there are no choices," he said, panic growing in his voice. "How-how am I supposed to figure out the answer?! Guess randomly?!"

"That's the idea," Mewgle said smugly. "Yes."

Wakka started sweating. "Um…c-can I use a lifeline?"

"I'm sorry, but no," Mewgle said gently. "You used all of them up already, remember?"

Wakka's friends gasped. His eyes widened in horror as he suddenly realized that this had been Mewgle's plan all along: to make him use up his lifelines on difficult questions before providing him with an impossible one that he could never solve, probably not even with help. "Then…then I just have to guess?! Pick some random word and hope that it's the right one?!"

"Yes," said Mewgle calmly.

"But…but that's not fair!" Wakka screamed. "How'm I supposed to do that?!"

"You're not," Mewgle said with a very, very wicked smile. "You're supposed to lose. That's been the point all along."

Wakka's heart stopped. "What?"

Mewgle laughed so hard he almost fell out of his seat. "You _idiot,_" he sneered. "What's this show called?"

Wakka looked at the big flashing letters. "'You can't win?'"

"Precisely. And what do you think it means?"

"It means…" Wakka froze, the blood draining from his face as he suddenly got it. "It means…that no matter what we do…we can't win, can we?"

"No," Mewgle agreed. "You were doomed to lose the moment you stepped into this room. And now your friends are going to die, then you will, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it." The audience cheered raucously, and the shocked adventurers struggled futilely against their bonds in a last, desperate, but hopeless attempt to escape.

"NOOOO!" Wakka screamed in horror as Mewgle gestured at the ropes…

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

Will Sora's joyous reunion with Donald and Goofy, and the subsequent conference of royals he is to attend with King Mickey, pave the way to a union between the worlds against Maleficent? Will Kairi be able to find freedom in her present situation? Will Riku break free from his entrapment before Xehanort can win Maleficent's hand? Or can Pete defeat Xehanort and stop the villain from bringing to darkness to all worlds, so that he can…um…bring darkness anyway? And will Mewgle's sadistic ploy to kill the Gullwings (and the other three) succeed? Find out in the exciting conclusion, next time!


	5. Last Night of Freedom pt 2

And we now conclude last chapter's dramatic cliffhanger.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters other than Satan or Mewgle. All others are owned by Disney, Square Enix, Bandai, and other companies. The song 'Paint it Black' belongs to the Rolling Stones. Thanks to lemonsmoothie and ninetalesuk for some of their ideas and inspirations in this chapter.

…

"NOOOO!" Wakka screamed in horror as Mewgle gestured at the ropes…

And froze. He blinked, staring in confusion at the nodachi sword sprouting from his torso. "Guh?"

Auron, standing behind the diabolical game show host's chair, twisted the sword he had driven through the fiend's back. "Your story has ended here."

Mewgle gasped in agony and disbelief, foam, blood, and flecks of spittle spurting from his jaws. The breath escaped his body in a long hiss. His eyes rolled back in his skull Auron twisted his sword again and wrenched it upwards, ripping through Mewgle's torso and tearing the demon's head off, causing confetti rather than blood to spew everywhere. The head, mouth frozen in a silent scream of anguish, tumbled slowly through the air, exploding with a farting sound when it hit the ground behind Auron, who just stood up straight and put his sword in its usual place over his shoulder in a totally awesome victory pose. The audience screamed in horror and disbelief as the headless corpse began fading away, and they with it, until finally there was nothing left of them at all. "Whoa," said a stunned Wakka.

"That was incredible!" said an amazed Yuna. "He defeated Mewgle in one blow! Well, some could call it two, but since he never withdrew his sword that's debatable."

"Impressive," agreed Paine.

"MARRY ME!" Selphie screamed.

"Auron, you rock!" whooped Rikku.

"Yeah, definitely!" agreed Tidus. "Uh, can you get us down now?"

A few moments later, after Auron had done just that…

"We're very glad to see you, Mr. Auron, but…what are you doing here?" Yuna asked politely.

"I had the feeling you kids might need help after you left, so I came looking for you," Auron explained. "And I brought lunch." He held up a few paper bags. "You forgot to have some before you left."

"Oh, thank you!" said a very grateful Tidus, still a little embarrassed about how he had forgotten about lunch from before.

"No thanks, I'm full," Selphie said, belching and spitting out some more scorpion bits.

Her five 'friends' stared at her in disgust. "Um, yeah, I'm not too hungry either right now…" said Rikku faintly.

"You don't seem very surprised to learn the girls are fairies," Tidus commented to his 'uncle', trying to steady his stomach.

"That's because I'm not. I knew it the moment I saw them," Auron explained. "I have a sense for these sorts of things."

"Would it come from being…dead?" Paine asked.

There was a long pause. "…Yes. Yes, I suppose it does," Auron said after a moment. They gasped at this admission.

"Then…you really are a ghost or something!" said a horrified Wakka.

"AIIIIEEE! HE'S GOING TO EAT MY BRAINS!" Selphie screamed.

"No I'm not," said a slightly annoyed Auron. "But yes, I am dead."

"How'd it happen?" Tidus asked quietly. "And why are you still…you know…here?"

"…It's a long story," Auron admitted. "And even I don't really understand all of it. Suffice it to say that I died a very long time ago in another world far, far away at the hands of a manipulator much like Mewgle here…except she was much less insane. Or at least, crazy in a different sense. I stayed behind to resolve some unfinished business, and then departed from the world of the living at last. But…" He frowned and rubbed his temples. "Something…I don't know what…happened, and I found myself separated from my friends and companions in the afterlife and in a new universe…and still dead, for that matter, but unable to rejoin my friends. I wandered for a while, confused and barely knowing my own identity, until I wound up on these islands. I was puzzled and confused that I ran into people much like the ones I had known in my previous life, but chalked it up to some quirk of reincarnation and decided to accept it. I had the chance to…well, experience a kind of lifestyle I had never really had back when I had been alive…something that I previously was only able to find after I had died. It has been…enjoyable, to say the least." He paused. "There is a bit more to the tale than that, of course, but at the moment this is all you really need to know."

"So that's it…" Paine murmured to herself.

"Do you suppose he knew people like us too, once?" Yuna whispered to the other fairies. "He mentioned earlier we reminded him of somebody he used to know…"

"Why did you disappear for over a year, though?" Tidus asked, also wondering a little about this 'reincarnation' thing Auron had just hinted at.

"Yeah, for that matter, why _do_ you leave so often if you like it here with us?" Wakka asked.

"My restless spirit is like that of a wandering samurai," Auron admitted. "Hard to tie down, even though my path would inevitably lead me back here. My undead nature has allowed me to venture through the barriers between worlds without a problem, and I have journeyed to the afterlives of many of those worlds in search of answers as to what happened to me and the world my friends and I once lived in. So far, I have not found any conclusive answers. Several months ago, I got caught in a particularly nasty afterlife ruled by the evil god Hades, and might have remained trapped there for quite a while had Sora not helped me win my freedom…though it was strange how he didn't seem to remember me, since I had been around for most of his childhood and for many years before he or any of you other children were ever born. Actually, I didn't quite remember him either until after the fact." He shrugged, unworried. "Many mysteries surround those who wield the Keyblade."

"Hey Auron…do you suppose you could stick around a while? Lend a hand? We've probably got plenty of battles left up ahead!" Rikku asked the swordsman. "And it could come in handy having a dead guy around!" Paine didn't look so certain, but wasn't really sure anything bad might come of it, so said nothing.

The corner of Auron's mouth twitched, almost a smile. "Very well. It will be…a bit like old times, I suppose. Although," he admitted. "My companions the last time were not quite as young as you three." This last was directed at Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie.

"And what about us?" Yuna asked.

"I know you three are probably much older than they are. You are fairies, after all," Auron commented. This led to Tidus feeling another twinge of anxiety about the age difference between him and Yuna.

"Just how old _are_ you three, anyway?" Wakka asked.

Selphie whacked him with her nunchuku. "It's not polite to ask a lady her age!" she snapped. "How old are you three?"

"Hey! How come she gets to do it?!" Wakka protested.

"That rule is for boys only!" Selphie said, breathing in Wakka's face and almost making him pass out. The fairies giggled a little, but did not comment on their age, which Tidus was both relieved and anxious about.

With Mewgle dead and his audience departed, there was nothing stopping them from continuing on their way to the treasure chamber…with the addition of one new companion, that is. And that's exactly what they did.

…

"It's so great to see you guys again," Sora said eagerly. "I really missed you two! I mean, it's only been a couple of months, but still it's great to be back together again!"

"That's understandable," Donald Duck, dressed in his official dark blue ornate tunic, pants (for a change) and pointed wide-brimmed hat that designated him as the Royal Wizard of King Mickey's court, squawked. "After all, we spent pretty much every waking (and sleeping) moment of the last year and a half together! Although if anything, I'd think that'd make us ecstatic to get _away_ from each other rather than stick around."

"Gawrsh, that's not funny Donald," Goofy, the tall, lanky dog-man-thing complained. He was dressed in his formal attire as well, a full knight's regalia and armor, or at least what armor could fit his unusual frame. (Why was there a small helmet perched on top of his head?) He carried his big shield on his left arm, as always.

"Aw, I was joking you big palooka," Donald squawked in annoyance.

Goofy blinked his big eyes slowly, looking slightly hurt. "I still didn't think it was funny."

Sora laughed and draped his arms over both his friends' shoulders. "Aw, it's great to hear you guys argue again."

_Yeah…kind of reminds me of my old friends…_ Roxas thought wistfully.

"So, what's up?" Sora continued.

"Well," Donald said, leading the way up a staircase. "We've been searching the place for you for a while now! The King has begun his conference with the other world rulers, and while some of 'em are smart enough to listen to him, a bunch are too stubborn for their own good! The King thinks the testimony of a kid who many of them may have encountered but isn't officially affiliated towards any kingdom might go a long way in convincing them how dangerous these bad guys are and how vital it is for us to team up to stop 'em!"

"We secured a whole level to ourselves," Goofy said as they passed by several other dog or animal-like soldiers in the Disney livery strategically lining the stairwell, saluting each set as they headed up the stairs. "Cleared out all the bad guys who wanted to drink and carouse and stuff. They weren't happy about it, but we were able to come to an 'arrangement', hyuck."

"Place is as safe as we could make it," Donald continued. "It has to be, since we have so many sovereigns and important people here! The security forces of over a dozen worlds, working together to keep the place secure! Not that we're exactly expecting an attack," he admitted. "What with the truce and all, but we don't want anyone snooping in, right?"

"Yup, state secrets and all that," Goofy agreed. They continued chatting and catching up with each other, Sora's good friends giving him a little advice and warning about the people he was about to meet, until they came to the top of the stairwell, where another pair of Disney soldiers blocked their path. Goofy quickly straightened up to his full height. "Knights-in-training Pete Jr. and Maximilian, atten-SHUN!" Sora started, for he almost hadn't recognized PJ as one of the soldiers.

"Sir yes sir!" the two said, stiffening ramrod straight as they saluted him. "Welcome back, Captain Goofy sir!"

"At ease!" Goofy barked. The two relaxed, somewhat. "Boys, I'd like you to meet Sora. I'm sure you already know quite a lot about him, hyuck."

"Good to see you again, Sora," PJ said, shaking Sora's hand.

"You too, PJ," said Sora. "And I take it you're Max, Goofy's son, right?" he said to the other soldier.

Max nodded as he shook Sora's hand. "That's right." He was a teenage dog-thing about PJ's age, but a bit taller and thinner, and clearly his father's son. He was the spitting image of Goofy, although his features seemed less exaggerated, his ears shorter, and he had less facial hair. He wore practically the same outfit PJ had been wearing at the party earlier (and was wearing now), except he seemed to have chosen the sword for a weapon rather than follow in his father's footsteps and wield the shield, and he had much epaulets in place of shoulder armor and gloves in place of gauntlets. "My dad's told me a lot about you. Did he _really_ sing in an underwater concert as a sea turtle?"

Sora laughed in surprise at that question. "Yeah, and he wasn't that bad, either."

"Well, anything sounds better underwater," Max joked, which resulted in Goofy making a mockingly annoyed huff and glancing away. "You're a lot taller than I thought you'd be."

Roxas laughed. Sora ignored him. "Yeah, I get that a lot," he said. "And I'm sure you also get a lot about how much you look like your father."

Max nodded. "Guilty as charged."

_I wonder who the mom is?_ Roxas wondered.

"How're things up here, boys?" Goofy asked the knights-in-training.

They automatically stood to attention again. "Sir! Everything's clear, sir!" Max reported.

"Sir! Not all the security detail are exactly getting along with each other, but that's probably because they're all from different worlds and freak each other out, sir!" PJ seconded.

Goofy frowned. "Hmm…that's not good…"

"But nothing's happened, has it? No fights or anything?" Donald asked anxiously. "Or intrusions?"

"No sir," Max said, shaking his head. "Although not everyone likes each other, the majority of the soldiers are disciplined enough not to let such things get in their way…at least, not while their commanding officers are looking."

"And besides, if they did become angry enough to fight, the Truce spell would keep them from hurting each other…I think…" Pete said. "Because they'd be regarding each other as enemies. But…since they're technically all on the same side…maybe it wouldn't…" He scratched his head in confusion.

"Don't worry about that sort of thing," Donald quacked. "Leave the magic to wizards like me, it's up to you soldiers to handle everything else. Magic against magic, steel against steel, blablabla, you get the drift."

"Sir, yes, sir!" Max and PJ agreed. "Oh, and Sir Sora, may we get your autograph later?"

Sora flushed, embarrassed at being called 'sir'. "Uh, sure, why not?"

_Don't let it go to your head, hero,_ Roxas joked. _Hey, why's nobody ever asked _me_ for an autograph?!_

"We need to get going, boys…so if you'll let us through, I'll let you get back to your posts," Goofy told the knights-in-training. "You can talk to Sora more off-duty."

"Yes sir!" PJ and Max quickly got out of the trio's way, saluting them as they departed.

"Wow," Sora commented once they were past and into the room proper. "Goofy, I've never seen you so…commanding."

"Well, gawrsh," Goofy said, blushing. "I _am_ Captain of his Majesty's Knights, after all. Hyuck."

Sora soon got a good luck at the meeting's location. It was a room beneath one of the other high terraces full of tables and carousing villains, a terrace under a terrace so to speak, looking out over the dance floor. Curtains had been drawn over most of the observation points to keep anyone from looking into the area. A majority of soldiers of different species and background patrolled the floor, glancing warily at each other with faint mistrust whenever their routes passed each other. Sora saw turbaned guards with scimitars, aliens in high-tech spacesuits with domed helmets, soldiers from the Chinese army he had been part of for a short while, monstrous humanoid beings with wings, more Disney soldiers, heavily painted warriors with spears and gold ornaments, soldiers in bronze armor and helmets, lions, ducks and chickens (or were they goose? Some kind of bird-people like Donald) in dark suits and sunglasses, moogles in similar dark suits and sunglasses, animal-men in green outfits, very tall and clearly inhuman knights in colorful full-body armor, and a variety of other beings. Several round tables had been shoved together near the center of the room to form a crude giant conference table, and seated around this table were several important-looking figures, some of which Sora recognized, including King Mickey himself, who was energetically trying to make some point or another to his fellow kings or world rulers.

Sora also recognized some of the figures walking towards them now from near the conference table. "Sora," said a tall, very muscular red-haired man with a blue cape and bronze armor. "It's good to see you again!"

"Yes…though I was expecting to meet you again in Agrabah, and not…here…" the ex-thief Aladdin said, looking at the unfamiliar surroundings with unease. "And not with so many unfamiliar people, too."

"The location and company are of little importance, street rat," growled a large, very unfriendly-looking man in a turban and uniform that marked him as the guard of some palace. "Wherever the Sultan goes, we must protect him. That is all that matters. Understood?" Aladdin rolled his eyes but Goofy nodded in agreement, clearly agreeing with this sentiment.

"Sora, meet Razoul, captain of the Sultan's guard," Aladdin introduced Sora to the big man.

"He's got the same job I do," Goofy explained.

"But less facial hair," Donald commented. He glanced at Razoul's beard and moustache. "Marginally." Razoul growled, and Donald quickly shut up.

"It's nice to meet you, Razoul," Sora said politely as Roxas wondered who would win in a wrestling match between the big man and Lexaeus. "And to see you guys again!"

"I hope that includes me," said Captain Li Shang of the Chinese Imperial Army, one of the Emperor's two personal bodyguards. He was a handsome, clean-shaven man with dark gray armor, a red cape, and his hair in a topknot.

"Sure!" Sora said quickly. "How's Mulan?"

Shang winked at him. "Mulan couldn't make it…her brother Ping, on the other hand, could."

Sora blinked. "What? Ohhh…well, that's great! It'll be awesome to see Ping again!" He winked back at Shang.

"Yes, however, he insisted on bringing Mushu," Shang sighed, looking very weary. "I just know that stupid dragon is going to say something at the wrong moment and launch China into a war with at least a dozen of the worlds represented here."

"And Sora…while we _are_ glad to see you…" said Hercules. "Now that we've met each other and realized we have a mutual friend…there's something that's been troubling us."

"Is…um…is that so?" Sora said anxiously.

"Yes," said Shang with a frown, crossing his arms. "It is."

"Sora," Aladdin said, a hurt expression on his face. "Why didn't you ever tell us you were from another world?"

"Um," said Sora. "Well. You see…"

_Time to face the music_, said Roxas, a little too eager to see how his 'brother' would get out of this.

Sora took a deep breath, and decided he had no choice but to tell the truth. "It's all Donald's fault!"

"Yes," Donald agreed. "It's all…wait, what?!"

"Well, it is," Sora said simply. "I mean, you were always going on about the world order and how we couldn't disrupt it by telling other people we were from off-world."

"Hey yeah, you _did_ say that all the time," Goofy realized.

"Waaaaak! Don't pin this on me, you two!" Donald squawked angrily, succumbing as always to his easily lost temper. "You went along with it!"

"Because whenever we started deviating from it, you bashed the world order into our heads with your staff," Sora reminded.

"Yeah, that kinda hurt," Goofy said ruefully, rubbing his head and almost knocking off the helmet perched there.

"I have more important things to do than watch an angry duck," Razoul grumbled, walking off. "Have fun with it, street rat."

"I have a name, you know," Aladdin grumbled. "As does the duck. Friendly guy, huh?"

"So what's this about a world order?" Shang asked Donald.

"Uh…well…" Donald said uneasily, not happy to be put on the spot.

"I think it's like the Prime Directive," said an unfamiliar person, walking over to them. He was wearing a high-tech white spacesuit with green edges, retracted purple wings, and a big dome-bubble helmet over his strong-chinned face, which in turn was framed by a purple protective spandex suit.

"This is Buzz Lightyear," Goofy told Sora. "One of the best Space Rangers of Star Command."

"What's a Space Ranger?" Sora asked.

"Like an interplanetary police force for the Gamma Quadrant of this galaxy, but with more pay than regular police and we don't answer to any specific planetary government," Buzz explained. "Basically, we adhere to the Prime Directive, which states that we don't make contact with worlds that have yet to develop space flight or make contact with people on another world unless we have no choice but to interfere for their own safety. That way, we allow their cultures to develop undisturbed until they can discover off-world travel by themselves. This 'world order' of King Mickey's sounds roughly the same. Am I right?" Buzz asked Donald.

"Yeah, that's exactly right!" Donald said, relieved someone else understood.

"But what's wrong with letting our worlds, worlds that haven't yet found ways to other worlds, learn that other worlds exist?" Aladdin asked.

"I think I'm beginning to have an inkling," said Shang, folding his arms. "Lightyear mentioned our cultures developing undisturbed. I have seen for myself that whenever a small, out of the way village or country becomes annexed by the Empire, life there is forever changed. And not everyone is happy with the changes."

"I understand what you mean…the same thing has happened back where I come from to many isolated countries and city-states once they become aware of each other," said Hercules. "And my father's mentioned many times the trouble that comes whenever he runs into a new set of gods he's never heard of before and his self-proclaimed title is challenged once more, because he can't exactly be the mightiest god if there are still more powerful ones out there, right? So to defend his title he's often destroyed those gods by demolishing the countries that support them or by 'encouraging' the countries who worship him to conquer those countries and force the people there to worship him and the other gods of Olympus."

"So…you're saying we were isolated, kept out of the loop, in order to keep our societies from being destroyed or completely altered by a dangerous or more powerful force?" Aladdin realized. "Or even the knowledge that such a force might exist; because it could challenge our cultural beliefs and make us live in constant fear of a threat from above?"

"Or…that some of us, those whose cultures are more expansionist, would be kept from learning of other worlds…because if we knew of them, we might seek to conquer them, and find a way to do just that," Shang realized.

"Something like that," said Donald.

"But unfortunately, it looks like that's happening anyway," Sora said apologetically. "Now that Maleficent's expanding her power into an evil empire that already has the power to travel through space and pierce world barriers, there's no way to maintain the old world order."

"So we adapt by forming alliances," said Buzz firmly. "That's how a number of interplanetary unions start, or that's how they do back where I come from. Now that all of your worlds have been forcibly drawn into this interstellar conflict, you really have no choice but to join forces to create a stronger whole lest you be destroyed as helpless individual worlds. I've seen it happen plenty of times."

"And here I thought defending a kingdom and worrying about the occasional invading country or evil force was bad enough," Aladdin moaned. "Now I have to worry about my whole world getting destroyed by some giant evil alliance?"

"But, gawrsh Aladdin, the last coupla times your world was threatened by an alliance like that, we were able to save it, remember?" Goofy pointed out. "So we can do it again, hyuck! We'll all just have to work a little harder this time, right?"

"…Yeah. I suppose that makes sense," Aladdin said. "Thanks, guys."

"I see the sense in this alliance. Not even the gods of Olympus are invincible," said Hercules with a frown. "My father, naturally being a god, might not feel the same way though…"

"Well, that's why Sora's here!" Donald said, slapping Sora heartily on the back. "To set him and any other dissenters straight!"

"Uh, thanks…" Sora said anxiously. "So, no pressure…just gotta convince the leaders of a heck of a lot of worlds to join forces or they'll all die…great."

"Why are you so worried? Haven't you saved many worlds before?" Shang asked. "From what I have heard of your reputation here, you have done so on many occasions."

"Yeah, but usually it's just one at a time," Sora said. "I've only had to save _all_ the worlds at once twice…and both times, I almost didn't make it. I'm doing the same thing here now, but…it's different! This isn't some bad guy I can bash with my Keyblade, I have to talk to very important people who may not be interested in what I have to say and hope they'll see reason in what I tell them!"

"Politics," Buzz said sympathetically. "I don't envy you, kid. I prefer the battering tactic myself, and try to leave the mess of politics to my superiors."

"A battle is still a battle," Hercules assured Sora. "Even if it's one you have to win with words instead of your fists! A true hero has to be able to win both kinds of fights. Just think of this as a whole new kind of fighting!"

"As long as you don't take it too far and punch someone's lights out," Aladdin joked. "That happened to me at my first meeting with the assembled noblemen of Agrabah…boy, was that embarrassing."

"All you need to do is tell the truth about everything you know concerning our new common foe," Shang told Sora. "And if that's not good enough for them, you need to press upon them the seriousness of the situation, and how all of them are at threat. How their own defenses or armies alone may not be enough to stop this new menace. Let your words be the arrow of truth to pierce their doubts and disbelief, to bring down the fortresses they've built out of overconfidence and preconceptions!"

"The truth…" murmured Sora.

_We can do that…can't we?_ Roxas said.

Sora nodded. "Okay then! That's exactly what I'll do!"

"Gawrsh, I knew you would Sora!" Goofy said proudly. "Because…well, because you're Sora! Hyuck!"

"Yeah! Just try not to screw up _too_ badly, okay?" Donald joked, patting Sora's shoulder. "I can't bail you out of _every_ mess you get yourself into!"

"The mess _who _got into?" Sora grabbed Donald in a headlock and started to viciously noogie him.

"Waaaaak! Stop that!" Donald protested, struggling to break free.

Their off-world friends watched with amusement as a concerned Goofy broke the two apart. "Now fellas, now's not the time for this! Not in the middle of a big diplomatic conference!"

Both Donald and Sora looked stricken. "Sorry," they both said, not quite looking at each other.

"Good," said a relieved Goofy. "Now, I think we've dilly-dallied long enough, fellas. It's time to get Sora where he needs to be."

"Always the peacemaker, huh Goofy?" Hercules joked as they all headed over to the table.

Goofy gave him an ironic look and rolled his eyes. "Gawrsh, you have _no_ idea."

They reached the table just as Mickey finished trying to argue another point to the other rulers. "And for the last time, no, I'm not interested in conquering any of your worlds for your cheese supplies! Golly, just because I'm a mouse doesn't mean I _have_ to be obsessed with cheese, does it?!"

"What, is our cheese not good enough for you?!" bellowed a towering, very muscular, white-haired orange-skinned purple-robed glowing figure that Sora realized could only be Hercules' father Zeus, especially when he saw Hercules walk around the table to stand beside his father. A number of other champions seemed to be standing beside their respective kings, he also noticed. Donald and Goofy left Sora's side to stand behind King Mickey, leaving him feeling slightly awkward and not knowing exactly where to stand. "Can't handle goat cheese like a real man?!"

Mickey sighed in exasperation. "No, I just happen to be _lactose intolerant_, all right?!" He ran his hand over his face, looking rather weary. "Golly, is it that big a deal?"

His Majesty King Mickey, ruler of the Disney Kingdom, was a short black-furred mouse with a short snout, whip-like tail, and big, very round ears. His head, looked at from the front or from behind, was instantly recognizable as being the exact same shape of the royal seal of his kingdom. He wasn't wearing either the Organization XIII cloak or combat attire Sora had always seen him in before, but a buttoned-up royal vanilla-colored jacket with gold epaulets, bronze buttons on both sides of the jacket tied together by strands of gilt fiber to keep it closed, and regal red pants with gold trim at the cuffs. He still wore the travel-worn white gloves and yellow shoes Sora had always known him to wear, though, and he had chosen not to wear a crown. Assuming he had one. Well, he probably did, as a king and all, but it might be hard to find one that fitted between the giant ears on his very round head. His Keyblade, which was a reverse-colored lookalike of Sora's own regular Keyblade, was nowhere to be seen, and Sora quickly checked his hands to make sure he wasn't holding his destined weapon. It probably wouldn't be good form to be testifying with a sword in his hands.

Mickey also had a collar around his neck which looked decorative but was, according to what Donald and Goofy had told him on the way up here, a combined tracking and shock collar Queen Minnie had put on Mickey shortly after he had returned home at last so she'd always know where he was and to keep him from, as she put it, 'running away from his duties to play hero again'. She could activate it remotely whenever she so much as suspected that Mickey was even thinking of running off on an adventure, and had only let him leave the planet on this occasion due to the fact that they had been invited to a wedding, and it would look bad for only _one_ of them to go since both were invited. It didn't seem to matter much to her that the wedding was Maleficent's, it was still a wedding, and she always got ecstatic about that sort of thing. Mickey would have protested against going if he weren't aware of the chance to snoop on their enemy's secrets and arrange the alliance he had been planning between numerous worlds throughout the galaxy. Sora hoped Minnie didn't decide to activate the collar during this meeting, it probably wouldn't make a good impression on the other world rulers.

King Mickey noticed Donald and Goofy's return, and quickly realized Sora was there as well. "Sora!" the royal mouse said cordially, glad to see the hero. "It's good to see you again! Come over here, pull up a chair! Fellas," Mickey said to the other rulers as Sora did as the King told him. Sora smiled and nodded at the rulers, glancing over at his good friends Aladdin, Hercules, Shang, and Mulan, standing beside the Emperor of China with Shang and masquerading as the masculine Ping, trying to keep her face as stony as possible so as not to betray the discomfort she was feeling from her guardian dragon Mushu wriggling inside her armor, trying to get some air, which everyone was certain would end up launching some kind of war. She nodded back, trying not to wince as Mushu clawed at her belly. Sora noticed a couple of other friends of his were here too, and was surprised to note who some of them were, but as Donald and Goofy had told him, he probably shouldn't speak just yet until spoken too. They still smiled and nodded in acknowledgement of his presence, though. "This is the boy I've been telling you about, Sora, hero of the Keyblade. I asked him to come here in hopes that he can help you realize how badly we need to join forces in response to the threat Maleficent poses." There were some whispers of surprise from those who were not yet acquainted with Sora, for they had probably expected someone older. And more fearsome-looking. The boy himself waved sheepishly, feeling rather out of place before such great and powerful leaders.

_We are soooo_ _out of our depth…_ Roxas said.

"Well, if he's really as powerful as you say he is," said one of the seated rulers, a thin, dark-skinned man with dark hair, red and gold robes, and a gold headdress said glibly. "Then why bother allying at all? Why not let him take care of it himself, like the last couple of times?"

"Because, Kuzco," said King Triton of Atlantica, a powerfully built but aging merman with a pointed gold crown and a fearsome trident said from his wheeled water tank. There were no guards with him, though a small red crab was hiding timidly behind his tail in the water tank. "He is only one man…and one still growing, at that. It would be cruel to place such demands on him when he already shoulders a great enough burden as it is as Hero of the Keyblade. As leaders of our respective kingdoms, we must take responsibility for the welfare of our people, not just leave it all in the hands of another and do nothing ourselves." There were several nods and murmurs of assent from around the table at this.

"Of course we can!" argued Zeus. "That's what we've got heroes for! So we can shovel all the big problems onto them so we don't need to get our omnipotent hands dirty!" A few other rulers nodded, clearly agreeing with this sentiment.

"Father!" cried an offended Hercules. Pretty much every other hero at the table was glaring at the great god too. He steadily ignored them. Sora himself felt a bit hurt and upset by such clear laziness on the part of a so-called deity, as well as the callousness of his sentiments and demands. Mickey was saying nothing, as organizer of this summit meeting it would look bad for him to show clear favoritism or dislike for any one person so early on, even though it did leave Sora and the other heroes a little high and dry. Such was the price of politics. Fortunately, someone else came to their defense.

"If one is truly, as you say, omnipotent," argued the aged Emperor of China in his fine robes and long beard. "Then what use is that power if you do _not_, as you say, use it and 'get your hands dirty'? I do not wish to blaspheme a god, but in my opinion such power is wasted if it is not used to better the lives of your people." There were some nods of agreement from those who disagreed with Zeus, such as Triton and a few others, at this sentiment. All the heroes seemed to agree as well.

"Hey, when you have omnipotent power, you can do whatever with it you damn please," Zeus snapped. "So don't lecture me on what I should or shouldn't do, mortal!"

"The power is ours, so who better to decide what to do with it than we?" said another being that didn't quite have a divine aura but still had an air of…something…around him. He was dressed in regal robes, cape, and armor, with blue skin, pointed ears, and long white hair. Sora thought he looked either like a vampire, or some kind of elf. "If others disagree with our use of that power, what of it? There is nothing they can do about it. Their opinions are meaningless, little more than sound and fury signifying nothing, as is almost anything involving mortals or those of the lesser races." Most of the kings and heroes there frowned, taking offense at this. Sora thought the guy was rather full of it himself.

"I'd watch my mouth right now," growled a grizzled, gray-mustached older man in a spacesuit similar to Buzz's. Actually, Buzz was standing right behind him, with a couple of other wary-looking Space Rangers. "Considering we 'lesser races' happen to outnumber you at the moment, Oberon."

"Ah, yes. As if that means anything to the ruler of the elder race," said Oberon, looking very amused. "I could vaporize all of you with a blink of my eye if I wished it." All the heroes, including Sora, instantly tensed at that, instinctively preparing themselves for a battle. Even Zeus looked a little startled and uneasy.

"Not with the current Truce in effect, I should imagine," growled Triton, tightening his grip on his trident. Any king who had a weapon was reaching for their own, too. Those who didn't either allowed their heroes or guards to shield them, or, like Kuzco, hid under their chairs.

"Ah, yes, the Truce…a meager spell cast by a paltry enchantress, as easy for me to break as snapping a toothpick," Oberon boasted, still amused. "Would you like me to do just that…and show you mortals what power truly is?"

"Your 'power'," said another of the rulers, a tall hulking warrior that Sora wasn't sure was human. Bulky, dark gray armor covered his entire body from head to toe. White and gold trimming ran over his legs and arms; white armor could be seen on his abdomen, in which was embedded a red ruby that mirrored the ruby on his waist. Dark lines ran down his arms, and four golden triangles adorned the white strip of armor going over his upper arms. Protruding from his back were two metallic wings of gray, bearing metal 'feathers' of gold. Billowing from his shoulders was a long gray cape, it's inside colored blue. His helmet had two spikes sweeping backwards, and a ruby was embedded in the forehead. A couple of other tall inhuman warriors, also covered in colored armor from head to toe, stood just beside the seated figure. "Is nothing without the honor and responsibility to use it properly, or the respect for those who do not have that power whom you are supposed to protect. And I do not believe you have any of those qualities."

"Your opinion was not asked for," Oberon said coolly. "So why don't I convince you first of how little your values mean to me?"

"I don't think that's necessary," Mickey said quickly, realizing this was getting out of hand. "Come on, fellas, we're here for a conference, not a brawl! Can't we just talk this out?"

Slowly, but uneasily, the monarchs and warriors relaxed, especially when they saw that Oberon wasn't making any moves. One of them, however, a tall dark-haired purple monster that seemed equal parts winged reptile and man, glared unforgivingly at Oberon. "There are some matters," he said coldly. "That no amount of talking will resolve." But even he stood down, reluctantly.

"Now," Mickey continued. "Before this…started, I was introducing you all to Sora. So it's only fair I introduce him to all of you. Sora, you already know King Triton and the Emperor of China, escorted by Ping and Captain Shang-" Both rulers, whom Sora had helped in the past, nodded cordially to him. "The Sultan of Agrabah, with his guardsmen Aladdin and Razoul …"

"We've never met, sad to say," the short, plump, rather likable old man in the vanilla robes and big turban sitting with Aladdin and Razoul behind him said regretfully. "But I have heard of the feats you have performed to save Agrabah…what, three times now? Of course, it doesn't put a dent in Aladdin's record…" The ex-thief smirked at this, and Razoul grunted. "But it is still very impressive, nonetheless. I thank you for all the times you have helped my kingdom."

"It was a pleasure, and I'd do it again, Your Majesty," Sora said truthfully. _Suck up,_ Roxas muttered. Donald and Goofy had both told him this man was trustworthy and responsible, if a little childish at times and inclined to play a little too much with expensive and over-complicated toys, but there were plenty of semi-eccentric rulers out there, right?

"Zeus, father of Hercules and ruler of the gods of Mount Olympus, with Hercules himself, champion of Greece…" Mickey continued.

"Boy, will you have sex with me?" Zeus asked abruptly. "I'll make you a god." Many of the rulers looked at Zeus in disgust as they heard this. Even Hercules was shocked.

"Wh-what?!" Sora cried in alarm.

_Dude, even I wouldn't touch that guy,_ said a disturbed Roxas. _And I've had sex with Xemnas. And Marluxia. And…well, everyone else in the Organization, like I've said before, but I'd take even _Vexen_ over this guy. Well, maybe that's a stretch…._

"Hey, you owe me, kid!" said Zeus. "Who do you think convinced the other gods to make a constellation of you? I saw how handsome you were and just knew you deserved to be put up in lights like my boy here!"

"Father!" cried an alarmed Hercules.

"What? Don't look at me like that boy, I'm Greek, and a god at that! We don't frown at having sex with underage children, boys or girls alike. How do you think you've gotten so many siblings and cousins and nephews and nieces, huh? Besides," he said, glancing upward and outward, in the general direction of the highest terrace, where Pete and the other major villains were partying. "How else am I supposed to catch up with old man Satan's sex record? If I can't beat him, I'll never be able to claim my rightful title as the universe's greatest lay!"

"Um, no thank you, mister Zeus," said a very frightened Sora. "I'm not that interested." Donald and Goofy had warned him that Zeus could be a bit of a jerk and had a tremendous libido and was extremely unfaithful with his wife, but he hadn't expected the deity's sex drive to be so demanding that it oriented towards people as young as himself. If other gods like this, it was certainly no wonder the Destiny Islands had abandoned organized religion long ago…

"Hmmph, I should smite you for that," growled Zeus. "But you're clearly feeling too humbled by my godly presence to think yourself worthy of the honor of getting in bed with me, so I forgive it. Though you don't know what you're missing." He turned to Hercules. "Boy! How would you like to help your father beat Satan's record by having sex with your old man?"

"FATHER!" Hercules cried, horrified.

"What? Don't look at me like that, boy! I'm a Greek god; we have sex with our family all the time! Incest is a way of life, especially with me! Why, your mother is my own sister! And I'm certain I've had sex with my other children and relatives at least once…" Zeus mused.

_Yeah, we're staying as far away from this guy as possible,_ Roxas said firmly. Sora wholeheartedly agreed.

"Ah, moving on," Mickey said quickly. "I'm sure you'll also remember the members of the Holidayworld delegation…Santa Clause of Christmastown, the Mayor of Halloweentown, and Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King…"

"Ho-ho-hello, Sora!" said the jolly fat man in the red suit and the very long white beard in greeting.

"Hi Santa! Wasn't really expecting you to show up here…" Sora admitted.

"I'm ipso de facto leader of Christmastown," Santa explained. "And a powerful icon for children across many worlds. How could I not come?"

"Well, now that you're here, I can finally prove to Riku once and for all that you exist!" Sora declared.

_All I ever got from Santa was coal…_ Roxas grumbled. _Well, at least he acknowledged my existence…or nonexistence. Whatever._

"And we couldn't possibly pass up the opportunity to see what kind of horrors our new competition is coming up with," Jack Skellington, a very thin skeleton in a form-fitting tux with a bat-shaped cravat, said cheerfully. "Especially since it meant we could travel to a whole new world! I just _love_ the architecture in this city! And that flying castle was incredible! I must hire the designer who did all this to redo Halloweentown, we've received some complaints that our scenery is a bit…well…outdated." He looked downhearted as he said that. (Did he actually have a heart?)

"I think it's just fine, actually," Sora said truthfully. "And I wouldn't want a quaint little place like Halloweentown to turn into a sleazy place like this."

"Yes, but cities have so much _grime_, and _ugliness,_" Jack said enthusiastically. "And dark alleys and old buildings where the most terrible things can lurk, just out of sight…and not to mention the sewers!"

"And it would help us a great deal in bringing Halloweentown into a new age! Kids just don't scare like they used to," lamented the Mayor of Halloweentown, a short, plump, cone-shaped creature in a dark suit, tall and very thin top hat, and two faces, one on each side of his head. He was currently wearing his 'happy' face, full of color and a big, crudely drawn smile.

"Tell me about it," grumbled another monster at the table, a gray creature in a business suit with spider legs and several eyes.

"I'm sure you're also familiar with Simba, of the Pride Lands," Mickey said, gesturing to a large and very uncomfortable-looking lion with his paws on the table.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here either, Simba," Sora said to his friend the Lion King. "But I'm glad you're here!"

The lion shifted uncomfortably. "I wasn't expecting to be here either…with so many…creatures…packed so densely together…and all these small spaces…" He panted. "I…I don't like it here very much. What am I doing here?"

"Prince Adam, of the Enchanted Countryside. He may look a bit different, but I know you two are already pretty well acquainted," Mickey continued.

Sora blinked in confusion at a tall, handsome man in a fine (and familiar-looking) blue formal suit. Donald and Goofy had hinted that he knew this guy too, but he just didn't recall ever meeting him before. "Do I know you?"

The man smirked. "Sora, I know I may have lost the fur and horns, but I thought we knew each other better than that!"

"BEAST!" Sora cried in amazement. "What happened to you?! You look great!"

_Yeah, he really cleaned up,_ admitted Roxas.

"Well, breaking a curse will do that to you," the former monster said smugly. "It's good to see you again. I'm sure all my servants would say the same…a shame we had to meet here, rather than my castle, which has become rather lovely compared to what it used to be."

"I'll stop by next chance I get," Sora promised.

"We also have your good old pal, Squall, I mean Leon, Leonheart, or whatever he calls himself these days," Mickey said, referring to a sour-looking young man with dark brown hair, a scar across his face, a thick black jacket, a necklace of some kind of lion, and a weapon that looked like a cross between a sword or a gun. "Ambassador of Radiant Garden!"

"The name's Leon," Leon grunted. "And Sora, it's good to see you again."

"How's construction going at the Garden?" Sora asked.

Leon nodded slightly. "Pretty good. The town will never be the way it used to be…I think we know that. But we'll do our best to make our world as safe and strong as it can be, so that it…and no other world, for that matter…will ever again suffer the fate ours has."

Sora understood that attitude completely. "Is anyone else from the Garden here?"

"Yuffie's out and about stealing stuff," Leon said. "Cid's down on the main floor, enjoying the show. Aerith and Tifa are at the other party with a bunch of other women from other worlds. And Merlin didn't come because he had better things to do. I don't blame him."

"And last but not least, a good friend of mine, business tycoon Scrooge McDuck! And his bodyguard, Gizmoduck," Mickey said, finishing with the familiar faces. Gizmoduck, a duck wearing high-tech full-body armor with a wheel at the bottom in place of legs, waved at Sora. Sora wondered for a moment if Gizmoduck was a cyborg like Captain Hook or just wearing a suit. Donald and Goofy hadn't mentioned anything like that…

"I don't suppose you're going to scope out both parties to decide which one to back?" Sora asked the old, red-coated top hat-wearing duck with glasses perched on the edge of his beak.

The duck frowned, and Donald looked appalled as well. "What are ye, daft boy?" Scrooge barked in a Scottish accent. "I'm a citizen of the Disney Kingdom! Have been for all my life. Of course I won't go against my king and country!"

"Oh, good," Sora said, relieved. "Because I figured that's why _he_ was here." The _he_ in question was Shere Khan, who was standing apart from the rest of the people at the table.

"As I told you before," the tiger purred. "I wish to see the measure of both sides before deciding which one to back. I'm only here now, sooner than I had planned, because I couldn't stand the chaos those louts upstairs were reveling in."

"As long as you don't disturb the proceedings here, you're welcome to observe…as long as nothing you hear leaves this room, of course. That confidentiality agreement you signed is magically binding, as my royal wizard has confirmed, and you know the consequences of breaking said agreement will be very…unpleasant. And now, Sora, I'd like to introduce you to some not-so-familiar faces," said King Mickey. "Emperor Kuzco, of the Incan Empire…"

"Hey guy, what's up?" the red-robed headdress-wearing man from before, flanked by painted bodyguards, said. "I'm a god like that big guy there, (but much more powerful) but don't worry, I have no intention of sleeping with you. You're not my type."

"Uh, thanks," said a slightly confused Sora. "I think."

"Psh, you're not a god," Zeus snorted.

"Hey, we don't all have to be as big and glowy and show-offy as you to be a deity," Kuzco said dismissively. "The sun on my world rises and sets because of me! Or is that the Aztecs? Eh, whatever. Either way, I'm a god to my people, and so am worshipped as one. But I am a generous and slightly less self-centered god, especially after the…llama thing which I shall not speak of. Which is more than the big man here can say."

"Bah!" Zeus scoffed. "I've lived millennia longer than you, human! And shagged ten times as many people in that time period!"

"Please, like that's something to brag about," Kuzco said as dismissively as before. "You don't need a long life or some big record to brag about to be a god. It's action that counts! It's more than just sitting on a plush throne at the top of a mountain and getting fed grapes all day while being fanned constantly…though that's fun too, I will admit. As long as I do what I do well, I keep my divine groove on, and that's all that matters. You've got a pretty nice groove too," Kuzco told Sora. "Not as nice as mine, though."

"Uh, thanks," said Sora, not quite sure what to make of this narcissistic, but friendly, man. Donald and Goofy had advised him not to slight the ruler's ego, but had little other advice than that for him.

_Sure got a lot of gods here, don't we?_ Roxas commented.

"And this is Commander Nebula, leader of Star Command," Mickey continued, indicating the spacesuited man with Buzz Lightyear. "Star Command is an interplanetary police force unanswerable to any specific government, but I thought both our parties could benefit from an alliance, or at least contact, with them."

"We're stretched pretty thin as it is in the Gamma Quadrant, handling Zurg and other threats," Nebula said with a grunt. "So I'm not sure how much help we can offer the rest of the galaxy, especially since we try not to interfere directly in politics or warfare between civilizations, unless it threatens the inhabitants of innocent systems. Unless we form Space Ranger bases out here…say, Sora, how would you like to be a Space Ranger?"

"You think I could be one?" asked a surprised Sora.

"Sure, why not? From what I hear, you're practically a space hero already. Should only take a little training and polish and you'll earn your wings and suit in no time," said Nebula.

"Cool," said an amazed Sora.

_Aw, come on, you don't need a space suit,_ Roxas complained. _You've got magic clothes! And we can already fly…_

"That second lion over there is King Richard of England. Or, one England, anyway…there are certainly a lot of them…and his companion is the freedom fighter Robin Hood," Mickey said, indicating a seated lion in plate armor and a crown and a clever-looking red fox in green clothes and a feathered cap standing beside him.

"Why can he stand on two legs?" Simba wondered with faint jealousy, looking down at his paws. "And I can't?"

"I'm not exactly King at the moment…but I was once, and will be again!" Richard promised.

"The once and future king…that sounds…familiar…" another ruler yet to be introduced murmured.

"King Richard _was_ King," Robin Hood explained. "But his brother Prince John tricked him into joining the Crusades and took the throne himself. I and a band of fellow-minded citizens formed the Merry Men organization to oppose Prince John's tyranny and put the King back on the throne. Unfortunately, John's made a deal with Maleficent to control the Heartless and keep his position as ruler of the country. We can't defeat the Heartless…so we're hoping an alliance will help us save the kingdom."

"If you need any assistance, I'm willing to come over there and help you out," Sora offered.

Robin nodded. "Much obliged."

"And this fellow here," Mickey said, indicating the dark-armored figure whom had spoken of honor before. "Is Alphamon, leader of a group called the Royal Knights and defender of his world. He hails from a place that, much like Tron's, exists inside of a computer, but was brought into phase with the rest of the universe recently by the dimensional flux caused by the Heartless invasions."

Alphamon inclined his head at Sora. "It is an honor to meet a fellow champion and defender of worlds."

"Likewise," agreed Sora, thinking this king would probably be great on the field of battle, which wasn't something that could be said of all the leaders sitting at the table.

_I wonder if he's any good at video games?_ Roxas wondered. _Being digital and all?_

"Leader of knights, huh?" murmured the same ruler who had commented on the 'once and future king' bit. "That also sounds familiar. I really should find new members for the good old Round Table…"

"Are you hot in all that armor?" Sora asked Alphamon politely, noticing that the warrior was wearing a much bigger and heavier suit than anyone else at the table.

Alphamon shook his head. "It has air conditioning."

"Wow! Guess we're not the only guys with that little amenity," grinned Commander Nebula.

"Robin, why don't we have air conditioners in our armor?" King Richard complained to the fox.

"Uh, because our world is still stuck in the Dark Ages and hasn't even discovered this 'electricity' thing yet, or even proper indoor plumbing?" Robin Hood suggested.

"Ah, good point."

"Over here we have Don Chocobo of the Chocobo," Mickey explained, referring to a very, very large fat white bird with a short beak who was so big he sat on the floor rather than a chair and could still see everyone at the table reasonably well. "And his interpreter and business partner, Montblanc, Clan leader of the Moogle's Merchant Guild."

"Kwehkwehkwehkhewkweh," the Chocobo chirped in a throaty, rasping voice.

"What'd he say?" asked a confused Sora.

"The Don says it's a pleasure to meet yous," said Montblanc, a Moogle wearing a fancy suit and necktie, in a faint accent Sora couldn't quite place. "And he hopes to do business with yous again sometime."

"Again?" said a confused Sora.

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkweh."

"The munny and synthesis items you've been giving to our merchants around the worlds have been _very_ good for the Don's business. And my own, of course," Montblanc explained mysteriously.

"Oh…um, okay…" said Sora, still perplexed. Donald and Goofy hadn't been able to give him much information about these guys…

_Chocobos are for riding, not ruling,_ Roxas opined. _And they make good eating too. Mmm, I can practically taste Axel's specialty barbecued Chocobo right now…and with the meat on that baby, there'd have been enough for all thirteen of us to eat, for a long time, and considering our appetites that's saying something._

"Scrooge, Shere Khan, and Montblanc aren't the only businessmen present," Mickey continued. "We also have Henry J. Waternoose, CEO of Monsters Inc., the primary source of power for the city-world of Monstropolis."

The spider-like monster from before harrumphed. "I'm not even sure I should be here…I doubt that any of you people can give my world what it needs. We're in the middle of an energy crisis, having already depleted most of our other power sources, and our regular source of energy isn't quite as profitable as it once was."

"What source is that?" Sora asked.

"Children's screams," said Waternoose. "We send our operatives to the bedrooms of children throughout the worlds through magical closet door technology and have them scare the kids so they can harvest the screams. But we're finding it harder to scare children than we used to, so we have to go to greater and greater lengths to terrify them, which is stressful on all personnel at Monsters Inc."

"That's awful!" cried an alarmed Santa, along with a few other rulers, who were now wondering if this was the cause behind some of their most horrible childhood memories.

"Then there _was_ a monster in my closet that one time!" Sora cried triumphantly. "I _knew_ it was there, even when my mom told me I had just watched too many scary movies!"

"That sounds like a rather interesting way of getting power…we do much the same thing in Halloweentown," Jack said, warming up to Waternoose as a fellow monster in roughly the same business. "You know, if you're having trouble, we could lend you _our_ excess screams…or perhaps help train your operatives to strike more terror into children's hearts…we'd love to help our brother monsters!"

"That would be most appreciated," said a gracious Waternoose. "Perhaps I won't sign that deal with Maleficent to borrow Heartless to scare children after all."

"I never understand why you scare-types don't just use laughter as a power source instead of screams," Santa huffed.

Waternoose, Jack, and the Mayor all gave Santa blank looks. "Laughter?!" said an incredulous Waternoose. "Don't be preposterous!"

"Yes, Sandy, where _do_ you get such ideas?" asked a puzzled Jack.

"Laughter would totally destroy our way of life! What, are we supposed to start working for the April Fool in his crazy Foolstown and stop celebrating Halloween so we can abuse ourselves in order to get cheap laughs out of people?!" cried the alarmed Mayor, switching to his very pale and harried-looking 'distress' face. Santa sighed in exasperation and put his face in his hands.

_Ha, serves you right Santa!_ Roxas mocked, still sour for never getting anything but coal.

"This fellow here is Lord Oberon," Mickey said, referring to the blue-skinned man who had raised everyone's hackles before. "Ruler of the…ah, what are you calling yourself today?"

"We have more names than you have years of life, little King," Oberon said haughtily. "Many of them unworthy of your mortal tongue to speak."

Mickey blinked. "…Uh, yeah, I'll just call you the Sidhe for the moment, then. Oberon of the Sidhe!"

_He seems kind of like a jerk,_ Roxas commented. _I don't like him._ Sora agreed wholeheartedly, especially after his comments earlier. Donald and Goofy had warned him that Oberon was a complete and total asshole, but also extremely powerful, so he should try not to piss him off.

"So, you are the new hero of the Keyblade…" Oberon commented, looking at Sora. "How quaint. I have seen many of your kind come and go, and expect I shall see many more come and go in the future…all struggling for no purpose, all of their endeavors ultimately futile, like everything else engendered by mortal minds."

Sora bristled, as did everyone else. "What did you say?!" Sora snapped angrily.

"It is nothing but the truth, dear boy," Oberon said calmly. "Nothing you do actually matters. How can it? Your lifespan is naught but a speck of dust compared to the endlessness of eternity, or my own life. How can a speck of dust possibly bring about any lasting change to anything at all?"

"You underestimate the power of one person," growled the purple winged monster from before. "And the power of the mortals you despise so much."

"No, I think I've estimated fairly accurately," Oberon said coolly. All glared at him. He wasn't making any friends here. Even Zeus seemed perturbed by this ancient being.

"And finally, someone who will hopefully be more civil," Mickey concluded. "King Arthur of Britain (and the rest of his world) and his ally Goliath, leader of the united Gargoyle clans."

"Hey wait, I'm king of Britain!" protested King Richard.

Arthur, a tall, powerfully built man in a red overtunic and chainmail shirt, with bronze pauldrons and gauntlets, metal greaves protecting his legs and feet, and a blue cape got to his feet. He had a dragon emblem on his chest and a sheathed sword at his hip which Sora couldn't help but sense had some great power in it. His chiseled face, surrounded by long brown hair and beard, looked weathered by many years and many battles, but there was a twinkle in his blue eyes and friendly smile that Sora couldn't help but instantly like about this man. "There's more than one," Arthur said, almost apologetically.

Richard scratched his mane in frustration. "How the heck does that work?!" Arthur shrugged, as did Mickey, neither of them really knew.

Arthur nodded at Sora. "Sora, it's a pleasure to meet you. I look forward to working with you in the near future."

"Um…I do too, Your Majesty," Sora said. From what Donald and Goofy told him, this monarch had quite the history. He had been ruler of a kingdom called Camelot centuries before, but had been gravely wounded in a battle against his evil son Mordred and was forced to flee to the mystic island of Avalon to recover in stasis until he was needed again. He was awakened in the modern age to aid in the defeat of a time-traveling sorcerer named the Archmage, and then set off from Avalon to find his legendary sword Excalibur and the wizard who had guided him throughout his rule in the past. When the Heartless had invaded his world, Arthur had managed to unite the races of human and gargoyle to repel the monsters, fulfilling his destiny and establishing a new Camelot and golden age for his world. And Sora was just a kid from some dinky island in the middle of nowhere who got a magic key dumped on him some day. It almost made Sora feel a bit inadequate compared to a legend like that. I mean sure, Sora had saved the universe twice, but how do you compete with a background like that?! Arthur had been in suspended animation for centuries, and Sora had only been under for one measly year. "And, uh, you too, Goliath?" Sora said to the purple humanoid winged monster next to Arthur. From what he had heard, Goliath had his share of unbelievable adventures under his belt as well. And he'd been in suspended animation longer than Sora, too, for about a thousand years.

Goliath, who had been glaring once more at Oberon, turned his gaze to Sora and nodded, a hint of a smile on his stony face. "There will be many battles for us to fight soon. I look forward to fighting alongside you to protect our respective worlds."

"And that's that," Mickey finished. "Everybody knows each other, right? So, let's return to the heart of the matter. Simply put, Maleficent and her new allies have created a force far too great for any of us to fight on our own. The armies and armadas of Heartless and Nobodies she's gathering are too much for even the greatest warrior among us, even a god." Zeus scowled at that. "So, what I propose is this: That we join forces in an inter-world alliance against Maleficent's axis of power, combining our resources and areas of expertise to better combat the enemies arranged against us.

"I know not all of you may particularly like each other, and may be used to independence, but I honestly believe that none of us can win if we stand alone. Only united can we prevail. So, gentlemen, whatta you say? Are you in or are you out?"

…

Kairi sighed in relief as she stepped out of the stall in the women's room, her business (which will not be described here, thankfully) completed. Namine seemed to be relieved too, as her random babbling had calmed down somewhat. Walking across the room to the sinks, she switched on the faucet, lathered up, and washed her hands…

And started when she heard a rattling noise somewhere behind her.

Alert, Keyblade in hand (and almost slipping out of her soapy grip), Kairi whirled around and scanned the room for the source of the sound. There was nothing there. She was the only one in the restroom.

But there was the noise again! It sounded like a chain of some sort. It stopped after a moment, but certain it would come again, Kairi switched off the faucet, filling the room with silence.

And then the rattle came again. There. It was coming from one of the stalls, at the far end of the room. Kairi for a moment entertained thoughts that it was some kind of horrible lost soul bound in chains, rattling them about in misery and despair. Or perhaps some kind of vicious monster, chained up in the stall to frighten girls who came into the bathroom as part of some sick prank. Kairi wouldn't put it past Maleficent. It might even be some kind of grotesque toilet-Heartless that had been chained up here to keep it from wandering around, because really, it's hard not to be embarrassed to have a walking toilet ambling around freely on your world.

Then again…it could also be a prisoner. Someone who had been chained up in a stall in the women's restroom and left there, possibly forever, with no food and no liquids other than that in the toilet itself. It seemed both pointlessly cruel and rather far-fetched, but she wouldn't put it past Maleficent to do that either.

After wiping her hands off, she reaffirmed her grip on the Keyblade and walked carefully over to the stall, keeping her ears as open as possible. Now she could hear not just the rattling of the chain, but some voice grumbling under its breath. Yes, it most definitely was some kind of prisoner. Kairi, forced to attend this party, and the entire wedding, unwillingly, could completely sympathize, and so she knew she had no other option but to rescue the hapless creature. Namine, while still somewhat incoherent, generated a feeling of agreement with her 'sister'. As a former prisoner of evil as well, she couldn't stand to let an innocent person remain caged, especially not in a bathroom.

The stall door was locked, but a quick beam of light from the Keyblade's tip remedied that problem quickly enough. Kairi pushed the stall door in, and found…

A twelve year old cat-dog-mammal thing like Peg gnawing on the chain of a handcuff on her right wrist, the other end of which was locked securely around the pipe running from the toilet's cistern to its seat. The mammal, which Kairi believed was a girl, was wearing a bright yellow dress with white frills and the Disney crest in blue on the front of her blouse, with long red hair done up in two ponytails tied with yellow ribbons growing off from the sides of her head. She stopped gnawing for a moment, rubbed her teeth, and glowered at the chain. "Unintelligent portion of refuse…" she growled at it. It was then that she noticed Kairi. "Oh, hello."

Kairi blinked. "Um, hi," she said. "Uh…do you need some help there?"

The girl glanced at the flowery Keyblade in Kairi's hand. "Yes, I suppose that _would_ be of use here, wouldn't it?" she murmured to herself. "Yes, my efforts have, embarrassingly, failed to undo this contraption. Mother dearest seems to have finally learned a lesson, as she made me leave my lock picks at home and procured cuffs with locks too small for me to pry open with a fingernail or even a spit-wetted hair."

"So…your mother has handcuffed you before?" asked a rather disturbed Kairi, who could not imagine any mother doing that to her child.

"Only a few times, mainly to keep me from being a nuisance or from examining the belongings of others too intimately. I am a rather curious child, after all, some could say precocious," the girl said rather proudly. "Always looking in places where she probably doesn't belong."

"My dad used to do the exact same thing to me," a new but familiar voice said, startling Kairi. "Said I was too curious for a ninja, especially when it came to his pockets." She whirled around and found nobody. Confused, she turned back to the handcuffed girl and yelped, finding somebody was hanging from the ceiling above the stall. "Hiya!"

Kairi took a few steps back…and blinked, suddenly recognizing the intruder. "Yuffie?"

"Hey, you remembered me!" The dark-haired kunoichi, sporting short shorts, a dark gray vest over a black top with white patterns, and very high socks and boots with a giant shuriken strapped to her back said cheerfully as she flipped down from the ceiling and landed on the ground…accidentally sticking her foot in the toilet in the process. "Ack! No laughing!" she snapped as both Kairi and the mammal girl snickered. "Hmmph, the Great Ninja Yuffie steps in toilets all the time! There are far worse things to do on the path to becoming the ultimate ninja warrior!"

"Like that one time you accidentally fell _head-first_ into the toilet rather than just stepping in it?" Kairi said with a huge grin, the other girl laughing again.

Yuffie scowled and crossed her arms. "While I'm glad you remembered me, I wished you would have forgotten that bit."

Kairi smiled, dismissing her Keyblade, and hugged her friend, being careful not to cut her arms on the giant shuriken. "It's good to see you again, Yuffie."

"Same," Yuffie said, hugging Kairi back and stealing everything in her pockets in the process. "It's been way too long."

"I know," Kairi agreed. "Far, _far_ too long."

It had been more than a year and a half since last they had met, after Sora had rescued Kairi from Hollow Bastion. Yuffie had been one of the people who'd helped cheer Kairi up as they waited anxiously for Sora to defeat Xehanort and bring Riku back to normal so they could all go home. Yuffie had also given Kairi a tour of both Traverse Town and parts of the Bastion in an attempt to jog her memory, for according to the ninja, they had both lived on that world a long time ago. According to Yuffie, they had also been practically best friends when they were little kids, always playing together and apparently training to become warriors and save the boys they would one day marry, since they both knew how incompetent men could really be. But then Kairi had been taken away by Ansem, as Xehanort called himself then, and launched into space as part of his continuing experiments with the heart and as an attempt to locate the Keyblade Master, for he had discovered the Princesses of Heart (of which Kairi was one) and the Keyblade were connected. It had not been long after that, apparently, that Xehanort's continued experimentation had resulted in Radiant Garden's destruction, forcing Yuffie and a few friends to flee with their lives before the darkness could consume them. All of their families, including Yuffie's father Godo, had vanished in that event, and even after Sora had liberated the world and it had become Radiant Garden once more, none of their families had returned with the other lost refugees, and Yuffie doubted that they ever would.

Kairi herself didn't really remember more than a few fragments of her childhood before winding up in Destiny Islands, but Yuffie's words and stories at the time rang true with her and helped dredge up more of her past from the depths of her memory, although she had quickly become aware that the ninja lied very easily and frequently. Kairi had, naturally, forgotten Yuffie again when Namine had messed with Sora's memory in Castle Oblivion, but even when her memories returned Kairi still hadn't given thought to Yuffie until seeing her now, and allowing all the fun (and stressful) times she had had with the ninja in their brief time together came flowing back to her.

Kairi finally pulled back to look her friend in the face. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Picking pockets. What else?" Yuffie said cheerfully. "The people here have biiiiig wallets…although a lot of those witches there have really gross things in their pockets. Some of it might sell pretty well on the black market, though, assuming it's not cursed…and if it is, I'll just forget to tell the buyer and let them find out for themselves. Hehe!"

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Well, duh, but I mean, what are you doing here at Maleficent's wedding?"

"Oh, that! Well, Leon got an invitation to go to the wedding. We were all stunned at first, and Leon was sure it was a trick, but then Aerith got all gushy and big-eyed and went on about how much she _loved_ weddings, and how _nice_ it would be to go to one, even if it happened to be Maleficent's, and so Leon agreed to go just to shut her up. Good thing he did, too, or else he wouldn't have run into King Mickey and learned Sora and you guys were here and that they were planning to form some inter-world alliance or something. If that gets off the ground, then maybe some kind of transit system will be set up so I can finally visit Destiny Islands! Or so you can come see my, or should I say, _our_ old place, we've done a pretty good job of renovating it."

Kairi's mind momentarily went blank with horror at what would happen if Yuffie were to find out about all the treasures and other goodies in the island's museum and numerous ruins. And she would probably steal her mother's good silverware, too. Yuffie was a good friend, but a compulsory thief who didn't discriminate when it came to who she stole from.

"Ahem?" Both girls turned around to find the mammal looking at them impatiently. "I'm still currently incarcerated here. If either of you could assist me, please?"

"Ah, sure," Yuffie said, whipping out a lock pick…only for Kairi to beat her to it and shoot a pencil-thin beam of blue light from the tip of her Keyblade, piercing the keyhole on the smaller girl's handcuff. Light shone out from the keyhole, itself forming the image of a larger, blue keyhole briefly, before vanishing as the lock clicked audibly. The girl tested the handcuff, found it open, and quickly slipped her wrist out, a look of clear gratitude and relief on her face. Yuffie scowled and looked enviously at Kairi's key. "Gotta steal me one of those," she muttered.

"They can't be stolen," Kairi said. "Only given."

"Then can you give me yours?" Yuffie pleaded, giving her a puppy dog look. "Pleeeeeaaaaase?"

"No."

"Awwwww."

"My thanks," the twelve-year old said, bowing slightly to Kairi. "You've liberated me from a most uncomfortable predicament. My name is Pistol, at your service."

"Pistol?" Yuffie said doubtfully. "Who names their kid after a gun?"

"My mother threatened to shoot my father several times during my long and painful birthing process if he ever got her pregnant again," Pistol explained.

"Ah," said Yuffie.

"And who is your mother?" Kairi asked, kneeling to examine Pistol for any signs of abuse. "Who'd do this to you?"

"Peg," Pistol said proudly.

"Oh," Kairi said. "As in…Pete's ex-wife, Peg?"

"Yep!"

"Which would make you…"

"His daughter, that's right!"

Yuffie and Kairi both gave each other disturbed looks, disgusted by the thought of Pete reproducing with any person. "And why'd she lock you in here?" Yuffie asked.

"Because she didn't want me to see the vulgar and ungodly sight of the club filled with evil people doing horrible things and the male strippers who are doing grotesque and very sensual things unfit for a young innocent girl like myself's eyes," Pistol said matter-of-factly. She rolled the aforementioned eyes. "Honestly, I'm twelve and have Internet access. I already know how the reproductive systems of people on twenty different worlds work, and have seen detailed videos showing what, specifically, using those systems entails."

"She means porn," Yuffie said helpfully and unnecessarily.

"Oh my," said a somewhat alarmed Kairi. "I didn't even know they had that sort of thing in the Disney Kingdom."

"Can you show me how to find it?" Yuffie pleaded. "I've had no luck getting to that sort of stuff back home, since all our computers now have an active security block in the form of the annoying Tron preventing people like me from seeing the dancing sexy men in thongs I'm entitled to! Oh well, it's a good thing I snuck on board Cid's ship to come here, then. Plenty of those to go about. Well, except for Jafar." She shuddered at that, as did Kairi, and wondered if Namine would perhaps at least erase _that_ memory, if no other one. The negative emotion she sensed from her not-quite lucid Other told her otherwise, unfortunately.

"I think she also did it to keep me from meeting my new stepmother, Maleficent," Pistol continued.

"Well, I don't blame her," Kairi commented.

"Yeah, Maleficent can be a really scary person," agreed Yuffie seriously.

Pistol pouted. "But I want to be an evil princess! And besides, I'm hoping she'll let me use a car. Mother won't let me anywhere near her keys, for some reason."

"Gee, I wonder why…" Kairi muttered under her breath.

"You haven't stolen them yet?" asked a surprised Yuffie.

"Of course I have!" Pistol said indignantly. "And I've even managed to get the car out of the driveway and around the city a few times too, but then Mother inevitably finds out and punishes me most unfairly for indulging in something I feel a person of my intellect should be able to do without her permission anyway." Kairi was beginning to understand why Peg might have felt compelled to handcuff the girl somewhere, she was clearly a serious safety hazard. "So, now that you've released me, I'll go see my stepmother now."

"But your mother's already out there," Kairi said in alarm, not wanting to let Pistol just be exposed to the horrors just outside the bathroom, no matter how knowledgeable she claimed to be on these matters. "She'll lock you right back up if she sees you!"

"Then I'll escape again," Pistol said calmly, holding up a lock pick she clearly had not had before.

"Hey, how'd you-" Yuffie started, shocked. She patted some of her pockets, then gave Pistol an impressed look. "Not bad, kid. How'd you like to be a ninja?"

"Ah, Pistol," Kairi said quickly, before Yuffie could give the girl any other bad ideas. "I _really_ think you'd be better off staying here. Trust me from experience, Maleficent is _not_ a good person at all, I don't think you'd be very happy living with her if you somehow convinced her to take custody over you instead of staying with your mother. She's the kind of woman all those stories about evil stepmothers warn you about!"

Pistol blinked, and suddenly looked rather sad. "Then how will I ever see my father again?"

Kairi hesitated at this, not sure what to say in reply. Pistol was right; Pete was on opposite sides with the Disney Kingdom. After this wedding it would be very unlikely that Pistol would ever see her father again in the flesh…unless something horrible were to happen, like Maleficent conquering the Disney Kingdom, that is. Or if Pete defected, which was possible but probably unlikely. "I…don't know," Kairi admitted, somewhat startled by Pistol's earnest desire.

Fortunately for Kairi, Yuffie saved the day. "Kid, trust me when I say Kairi's right, you don't want to mess with Maleficent, even if it's to be with your old man," the ninja said sternly. "But…how would you like to go out on the town instead?"

Pistol glanced at Yuffie. "Out on the town."

"Yes." A set of keys was dangling from Yuffie's fingers. "You see…I managed, among other things, to swipe the keys to Maleficent's personal limo-ship-thing while she wasn't looking. AND…" A credit card appeared in her other hand. "I got her plastic. Along with the other contents of her wallet. And I doubt she'll even notice until it's time to pay the bill, assuming someone else doesn't pay for her. And we'll be back _long_ before she realizes her vehicle's missing. So…" A very wide grin, the kind of grin that gave Kairi a tremendous sinking feeling in her stomach and the sense that something absolutely, horribly wrong was about to happen appeared on the ninja's face. "What do you say we put those to good use and go on a shopping spree? Just us three girls, for a night out?"

Kairi recognized that grin now. It was the grin Yuffie always used back when they were younger just before dragging her into some cockamamie scheme which would cause untold havoc and get both girls into a ridiculous amount of trouble, like that one time they had tried stealing the cookie jar and had ended up blowing up the kitchen, or the time Yuffie insisted that Vincent's coffin was full of treasure and they caused his entire decrepit mansion to collapse, or the time when they had crept into Ansem the Wise's secret laboratories and caused a chain reaction which almost destroyed half the town, or the time when…well, you get the idea. And Kairi was even more appalled that Pistol seemed to be interested by the ninja's enticement. "I'm listening…"

"And," Yuffie said, preparing her coup de gras. "We'll even let you drive."

"I'm in," Pistol said eagerly.

Yep, nothing good could come of this. "Yuffie, I don't think this is a good idea," said a very alarmed Kairi. "First off, Pistol's way, _way_ too young to drive-"

"Am not," said the somewhat annoyed Pistol. "Like I said, I've done it plenty of times back home. Plus, I already have a license. Got it illegally online, yes, but it's still a license. I know perfectly well how to drive, Mother just won't let me do it whenever I want."

This did not reassure Kairi one bit. "Not to mention that your mother would _die_ if anything happened to you," she continued.

"Which it won't," Yuffie said. "Since she'll never know Pistol left." She turned to face Pistol and made a very complicated series of hand motions that was either the preparation for some secret ninja art or a bad attempt at cats-cradle. "Bunshin no juutsu!"

There was a puff of smoke…and suddenly, where there had been one Pistol, now was two. "Whoooaaaa," said one Pistol, the second one echoing her a moment later.

"…Did you just _clone_ her?!" an incredulous Kairi asked.

"Nope! Just created a body double! It's really just an empty doll or illusion, with no mind of its own!"

"An empty doll or illusion, with no mind of its own," one of the Pistols repeated blankly, mimicking Yuffie's words since it was unable to think up any of its own.

"So we can just leave one here, handcuffed, while we take the real Pistol with us," Yuffie explained. "If Peg comes in to check, she'll find the fake, and it will respond enough to convince her she's done the wrong thing and will never chain her up again! So not only will Peg never know Pistol was gone, she'll also be nicer to her in the future out of guilt!"

"Wow, so I win _two_ ways! Awesome!" said the real Pistol energetically.

"Awesome," the fake repeated blankly.

Kairi found herself wondering how many possible ways this could backfire as Yuffie handcuffed the unprotesting doll to the toilet. "…Regardless," Kairi continued. "This is _really_ dangerous, and not exactly a safe or responsible thing to get a twelve-year old into."

"Oh, come on, it'll be fine!" Yuffie scoffed. "Nothing bad's gonna happen! Especially not with a responsible teen like you keeping us out of trouble, right? A couple of wild girls like myself and Pistol here could use a good chaperone."

Kairi blinked. "Wh-what?"

"Well, you're _coming_, aren't you?" Yuffie said with a frown. "I mean, we'll get to have loads of fun, and it's got to be more interesting than having to sit next to Maleficent all night…or go to that little get-together Queen Minnie, the other Princesses of Heart, and a bunch of other high-ranking gals from around the worlds set up that I was supposed to take you too," the last part said so quietly that Kairi didn't hear any more than a vague murmur.

"Yes, it _would_ be a lot more fun," Kairi admitted, for while Yuffie's crazy adventures always got them into an insane amount of trouble, they were a lot more fun than sitting around being bored. "If Maleficent probably wasn't going to DESTROY MY WORLD if she found out I escaped!"

"Oh, nothing to worry about!" Yuffie said dismissively. "I took care of it before I came in here for you."

Kairi blinked at her. "You did?"

Yuffie nodded energetically. "Yep, got a body double, a far more versatile one than this clone here, taking your place. They'll never know it's not really you!"

Back outside…

"My, Kairi, you certainly seem to have gained quite the appetite since you got back," a wary Maleficent noted as the short, squat, blue, fuzzy, big-nosed dark-eyed creature in the auburn wig and pink outfit with many zippers consumed everything on its plate, including the plate itself, the silverware, and a large chunk of the table.

"HUNGRY! Gimme more!" 'Kairi' said, pounding on the table hungrily and nearly causing it to collapse. Everyone quickly grabbed their plates so they wouldn't spill everywhere if in fact the table _did_ collapse.

"My, she certainly has the appetite of my own daughter," Peg murmured to herself. "And the table manners, too…"

"I'm not sure what I ever saw in her eyes," said a disgusted Clotho.

"Yes, I thought they were so nice and blue before…guess she was just wearing contacts," said a disgruntled Atropos. "Guess we'll need to look elsewhere for new eyeballs, ladies."

"And I guess whatever product she was using on her skin must have worn off," lamented Mim. "My, I had no idea modern makeup was so advanced! Where can I get something to hide such grotesque features as those?"

"I thought she was a Princess of Heart," Morgan Le Fay whispered to Rita Repulsa. "Shouldn't they be more refined than this?"

"Well, you know Princesses these days," Rita shrieked, unable to whisper. "No longer as dainty and petite as they used to be. They have to keep up with the times as much as we witches do, I suppose."

"But she was so _quiet_ earlier!" Elphaba protested.

"She could have been taking some mood-suppressing pills which wore off," grunted Yzma. "Or she's taken pills for something else, and it's causing her to go hyper and develop a tremendous appetite."

"What sort of medicine would a young girl need that could make her act like this?" asked Lady Bane with a frown.

"Could by any number of things. Sickness doesn't necessarily have to be restricted to a certain age," said Yzma, who was incredibly old and therefore had to take pills for many things. "Like constipation. Or hemorrhoids. Or maybe she had ovarian cysts, I had those once-"

"WHAT PART OF 'WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW YOUR OLD AND DISEASED BODY'S FAILING ON YOU' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!" most of the witches screamed at the hag.

"Ah, here's the next course," said a relieved Wuya as some waiters wheeled in several carts laden with more dishes. "Maybe that will satisfy her appetite."

'Kairi' sniffed her nose, and began drooling, long tongue hanging from 'her' mouth. "BOOTIFA! MASA MASA!" The jockstrap-wearing Neoshadows gave each other uneasy looks as 'Kairi' scrambled up to the top of her chair and stood there, balancing very nicely due to the grip 'her' surprisingly prehensile toes (where _had_ her shoes gone?) had on the chair's back. "MEEGA NALA KWISTAAAAAA!" 'Kairi' leaped off the chair and landed in the middle of the suggestively-shaped meal on the first cart, devouring it before it could collapse. 'She' then began eating the rest of the food on the cart, as well as the plates they were on, and began working on the cart itself.

"Where _does_ she put it all away?" asked an envious Gruntilda, looking down at her nowhere-near-thin waist in frustration.

Maleficent beckoned one of the waiters over. "Tell the chefs to get some of the unicorn meat out of storage and bring it out here for her to eat," she whispered to the Neoshadow. "I don't want her getting any ideas about eating my guests." The waiter nodded and quickly ran back to the kitchens as its fellows passed the remaining food that had not yet been eaten by 'Kairi' to the other witches, leaving a cart or two behind to occupy the 'girl's' hunger. "It's a good thing that you didn't run away while you were away from us," Maleficent commented, feeding some bread crumbs to Diablo, who, like the rest of the familiars, was worried 'Kairi' would get ideas about eating them too. "It would have been such a pity for me to destroy your world." 'Kairi' stiffened at this, Maleficent's words triggering some faint memory. Unconsciously, 'she' began growling under 'her' breath and clutching the cart remains 'she' was devouring so hard they began to crumple in 'her' fists. "But, your current bad behavior aside, I truly am glad it didn't have to come to that…for as long as you're still here, I can make good use of you, O Princess of Heart."

"I thought that since that big door was sealed the last time, the combination of seven princesses' hearts wouldn't be able to open it again," Mirage whispered to Maleficent.

"Yes, but _she_ doesn't know that," Maleficent whispered back, unaware that 'Kairi' could hear them quite well through 'her' unusually large ears, currently hidden beneath 'her' wig. "And I'm sure I can make use of her heart _somehow_…" 'Kairi' frowned and narrowed 'her' eyes at Maleficent. Then, almost as an afterthought, 'she' devoured the rest of the broken cart.

Back in the bathroom…

Kairi blinked, surprised Yuffie had thought all this out beforehand. "…Okay, but what about security? Maleficent's got eyes and ears all over the city. Won't she know if there's two of me running about?"

"Not to worry, I took care of that too before coming in here!" Yuffie said, triumphantly presenting a flash drive. "I'm training to be a cyber ninja too, you know. Even though he won't let me see all the restricted content I want, I was still able to get Tron's help to download a computer virus into the city's systems to temporarily crash their security for a few minutes, and when they get it back online it'll block out any camera we might appear on with earlier recorded images of the same area that DON'T have us in it. And I doubt the Heartless and Nobodies all over the place will report that you're with me, since Maleficent probably never told them to, what with her expecting you to stay here or else your world would be destroyed. And just in case I'm wrong…" Yuffie grinned. "I brought disguises enough for all of us."

"…You had this planned out all along, didn't you?" Kairi said flatly.

"Yep! It's been so long since we were able to hang out, I just knew there was no way I could let this opportunity slip past…just like I can't let Pistol miss out on this big learning experience, right?" Yuffie said to the mammal girl, who nodded eagerly.

Kairi sighed heavily, giving in. She realized belatedly she probably had never had any choice but to join Yuffie in the first place, she doubted she could have stopped the ninja from taking Pistol, and they'd _certainly_ need someone level-headed to keep them from getting high on sugar and wrecking half the city.

And besides, she secretly knew she wanted to go more than she wanted to stay here. Namine, slowly recovering, agreed with her on this. And so Kairi said, "Okay, let's go."

"Yay!" Yuffie and Pistol cheered, hopping up and down giddily. Kairi moaned, knowing she was going to regret this at some point in the near future.

"I'm glad you decided to come with us, Kairi!" Yuffie said after they had snuck out of the bathroom and stealthily headed out of the club through the employee's exit in the back of the kitchens, having evaded the deadly knives of the Tonberry chefs by wearing three giant lobster disguises Yuffie just happened to have at hand. Since the club did not serve seafood, they were perfectly safe. Kairi grunted at her friend's comment. "I just know we're going to have a great time!"

"Yeah. Yuffie?"

"Yes, Kairi?"

"Give me back my wallet." Yuffie pouted and handed it back to Kairi. "And my student ID card." Yuffie rolled her eyes and gave that back too. "And the munny in it." Yuffie sighed in exasperation and handed that over as well. "_And_ my good luck charm."

"But it's so cute!" Yuffie protested.

"_Yuffie,_" growled Kairi.

"Fine," Yuffie sighed, giving the star-shaped object back.

"_And_ my house keys," Kairi continued.

"Kai-ri! Come on!" Yuffie begged her friend. "How'm I gonna break into your house if I can't make a duplicate of your keys?"

"That's the point exactly," Kairi said, taking the keys back from Yuffie. The ninja pouted, secretly rejoicing, for Kairi had no way of knowing that she had already made imprints of the keys she could use to create all the duplicates she wanted. Pistol, who had seen her doing just that when Kairi wasn't looking, smirked appraisingly. There was a lot she could learn from the ninja thief. Quite a lot indeed.

…

**ROUND 1: IRON STOMACH**

Pete and Xehanort both sat on the same side of a long table with a plate before each of them. Both rivals clutched fork and knife tightly in their hands, with bibs hanging around their chests. The other members of the Dark Circle were seated so that they could get the best view of the contest, and a number of other interested villains had come up to watch and bet on who would win the various challenges. Satan got the best seat, naturally, and was unbothered by the demonesses cooing and clinging to him adoringly, though everyone else was. He was using Professor Moliarty as a footstool, just because he could.

"Awright boys, this here's the first of many challenges!" Satan informed the rivals. "Whoever performs the best at them will win my babygirl Maleficent's hand in marriage, so you'd better have your game on, or it'll be BROUGHT to you, y'dig?"

"We dig," said Pete gruffly.

"I thought this was an eating contest," said a slightly confused (and still slightly inebriated due to the alcohol Riku had ingested) Xehanort. "Where does digging come in?"

"You must eat whatever has been put on your plate, completely and without fail," Judge Doom, who had naturally been made the contest judge, informed the competitors. "Without throwing up, either, or keeping the food in your mouth. First person to throw up or fail to finish their meal loses the challenge. Are you ready?"

"I'm always ready to eat!" roared Pete, banging his silverware on the table.

"First course: fried Al Roach, courtesy of Oogie Boogie!" Doom announced as the Tonberry chefs wheeled in a pair of steaming dishes, whipping off the lids to reveal two hideous fried giant cockroach halves. All (save for Satan and his concubines, used to the scent of brimstone and putrid flesh in their domain, and those without noses) flinched or gagged as the putrid odor of the cooked insect invaded their noses and clouded the air, making it harder to see. Even Shaga looked a bit green around the gills, no pun intended. Pete and Xehanort recoiled at once, naturally, at the prospect of having to eat it.

"And he was so tasty, too," a much-thinner Oogie complained, scratching the new stitch in his side they had made after extracting Al's carapace from his stomach and then sewing him back up. "It's gonna take a whole lotta bugs to fill up the space he's left in me…"

"Uh, on second thought, I'm not so ready to eat," Pete said anxiously.

"Neither am I," said an alarmed Xehanort. "I have feasted on the darkest of hearts, but THAT…that's just disgusting!"

"You must," Doom insisted.

"Or neither of you gets Maleficent," Satan informed them. "And I'll give her to…lessee…" He glanced over at the villains surrounding him. "Gaston!"

"WHAT?!" Pete, Xehanort, Hades, Captain Hook, Mozenrath, Flintheart Glomgold, Abis Mal, Emperor Zurg, and Prince John (all of whom harbored secret crushes on Maleficent) cried in alarm.

"Did somebody say my name?" Gaston said obliviously, looking away from his mirror reluctantly.

"You can't let Maleficent marry him!" Pete cried indignantly.

"Yes, he has far too much brawn and too little brain! Even littler than Pete's!" agreed an irate Xehanort.

"Ah, but he's such a studmuffin, aintcha now, Gaston?" Satan said, pinching Gaston's firm biceps.

"Why yes, I certainly am," Gaston said proudly, too vain and stupid to be disturbed by the origin of the compliment.

"I could eat you up, dawg. Literally," the demon lord said, flashing his golden teeth. "In maybe two bites, three tops." Gaston blinked in confusion. The other villains edged away from Satan nervously. "So, if you don't want _him_ to get my babygirl, ladies, then you'd best start eating yourselves, know what I mean?"

"I really hope he meant 'eating' in the literal sense, and not in some creepy perverted way," Pete whimpered as the Tonberries put the cockroach halves on their plates.

"As do I," agreed Xehanort. "Though it can't be much worse than eating this, can it?"

They both stared at the reeking cockroach halves. "I'm sure it can," Pete said finally. "But not by much." And then, reluctantly, they dug in.

There were no more courses after the roach. There didn't need to be. Amazingly enough, it was Xehanort who threw up first—while he had consumed pure darkness and totally corrupt hearts, that wasn't quite the same as eating a fried giant cockroach. Pete actually lasted longer than he thought he would, partly due to his well-experienced stomach and partly due to the pills an ally had slipped him before the competition to make it impossible for him to taste anything for a short while. Even so, he started vomiting maybe a second or two after Xehanort, too close to say for certain, so Doom declared the match a tie. Since the audience was getting close to throwing up themselves, nobody suggested a tiebreaker and just moved on to the next challenge.

**ROUND 2: INSULT ARM-WRESTLING**

The next challenge was simple. Pete and Xehanort had to arm-wrestle, and whoever slammed their opponent's arm to the tabletop won. However, Satan had decided to give it a twist by having both rivals insult each other as they wrestled. A proper insult had to be met with the proper comeback, or else your opponent would gain confidence and a brief burst of strength, enough to push you that much closer to losing. To win, you would either have to answer enough comebacks to push your opponent's arm down, or cause him to lose enough confidence by hitting him with insults he didn't know the comeback for to gain the upper hand.

From the start, Xehanort had quite an edge over Pete; while the cat-thing's arms were quite burly and powerful, the seeker's strength stemmed from supernatural sources. It also didn't help that Xehanort had learned a good deal of insult arm-wrestling from Braig back when they were Ansem's apprentices. Insult arm-wrestling was traditionally a pirate's game, and Braig was no pirate, but he wanted to be. Why else would he wear an eyepatch?

Fortunately, Pete had an ace or two of his own…

"Today, by myself, twelve people I've beaten!" Xehanort boasted, putting the pressure on Pete's arm as they grappled.

"Uh…" Pete quickly glanced over Xehanort's shoulder to where Captain Hook was standing in the audience, raising a giant placard with the proper comeback on it. Sweating, Pete squinted to read it. "From…the…size…of…your…gut…I'd guess…they were eaten! Ha!" Confidence renewed, Pete managed to budge Xehanort's arm an inch or two back.

"I thought that was _your_ gut," Xehanort sneered back.

"Uh…" Pete glanced back at Hook, who shrugged, he didn't know this one. He did, however, have a new insult ready, as Xehanort pushed Pete's arm back. "Yeah, well, my 98-year-old grandmother has bigger arms than you do!" And she did, actually, though that was irrelevant at the moment.

"Yes, but we both have better bladder control than you," Xehanort retorted, causing Pete to flinch and lose even more ground. "You're the ugliest creature I've seen in my life!"

"Yeah, well-" Pete glanced at Hook, then back at Xehanort. "I'm shocked that you've never gazed at your wife! Oh yeah!" He managed to force Xehanort back a bit.

"I don't have one yet…but aren't you insulting your own wife-to-be? Or ex-wife-to-be, since I'M about to claim her?" Xehanort replied cruelly, causing Pete to gasp and lose ground a little.

"Hey, you did NOT just go there!" said an angry Satan at Pete. "Insulting my babygirl, dawg! I thought better of you!"

"H-hey, I didn't mean it like that!" Pete protested, losing still more ground. He quickly glanced at Hook's next insult. "I'm going to put your arm in a sling!"

"WHAT?!" Satan roared, shooting to his feet and carrying his concubines with him.

"He was talking to Xehanort," Hook said quickly.

"Oh. Peace, dawg." Mollified, Satan sat back down.

"Why, studying to be a nurse?" Xehanort said, forcing Pete's arm lower and lower. "Give up now, or I'll crush you like a grape!" he taunted.

Pete's eyes flickered from Xehanort to the placard and back. "I would, if it'd stop your WINE-ing!" Xehanort racked his mind for a moment, but had no retort for that, and so Pete managed to get some ground back, as well as the honor of the next insult. "I've got muscles in places you've never heard of!"

"Too bad none of them are in your arms!" Xehanort replied, stealing back the ground Pete had taken. "Do I see quivers of agony dancing on your lips?"

He did, but Pete wasn't going to tell him that. Instead, prompted by Hook, he said, "It's laughter at your feathery grip!"

"My grip is not feathery! It is the almighty claw of DARKNESS!" Xehanort protested. Unfortunately, said almighty claw was once more being pushed back by Pete.

"People consider my fists lethal weapons!" Pete said, reading from Hook's placard.

"Sadly, your breath should be equally reckoned," Xehanort sneered, pushing Pete's arm back as Pete wondered if his breath was really that bad. "My stupefying strength will shatter your ulna into a million pieces!"

Instead of asking what an ulna was, Pete replied, "I'm surprised you can count that high!" He pushed Xehanort back.

"Of course I can, can you?" Xehanort sneered.

"Um…" Pete couldn't, actually, and Xehanort pushed him back, and they remained pretty much in the same position they had been in for a while now. And the audience was losing interest.

"This is getting boring," Hades complained. "Back and forth, back and forth, somebody just WIN already!"

"Hmm…that gives me an idea…give me that!" Negaduck said, snatching Hook's placard and quickly writing something on it. "Hehe, this should work for sure!" He held it up.

Pete squinted in confusion at the insult. "'Your mother?'" he read blankly.

Xehanort stiffened. "M-mother? I don't…_have_ a mother…" he whispered, lip quivering slightly. And that moment of weakness gave Pete the impetus needed to push Xehanort's arm almost completely to the tabletop, before the dark man recovered his strength and pushed back. "How…HOW DARE YOU…" he snarled. "YOU…YOU…" He then called Pete something so awful that most of the audience gasped, and caused even Satan to raise an eyebrow. Pete was so startled he lost some grip, and Xehanort pushed his arm back to the halfway point before Pete could regain his strength.

Pete anxiously glanced at the placard, and responded, "Your mother!"

"Gah!" Xehanort stiffened again, allowing Pete to push him back once more.

"Your mother!" Pete pressed, before Xehanort recovered, seeing this might be his big chance. "Your mother! Your mother! Your mother!" Bit by bit, Pete pushed Xehanort back.

Xehanort fought him with all his strength, but racked his mind to no avail for a retort, for really, what kind of comeback could you give to an insult like that? "Y-your mother!" he cried, sensing the instant it came out of his mouth it wouldn't work.

"Yeah, what about her?" Pete retorted, pushing Xehanort still further. "At least I remember mine!"

Xehanort gritted his teeth at that. "Yes…well…" Xehanort kicked Pete under the table, causing him to yelp and lose his momentum, the dark man pushing him back. "Only once have I met such a coward!"

Trying not to yell from how much the kick hurt, Pete quickly glanced at the placard and said, his voice a little high, "Your Mother?"

"RRAAAAHHHH!" Xehanort roared angrily, Pete's insult only inciting him rather than weakening his confidence and causing Pete to whimper as his arm started to ache from Xehanort's pressure and grip.

"Hey, how can you let him get away with that? Xehanort cheated!" Duke Igthorn said indignantly to Judge Doom. "You saw him do that!"

"Yes, well, Pete's cheating too," Doom pointed out. "So…since they're both guilty, what exactly am I supposed to do, stop the match in a tie like the last one?" Everyone grimaced at that, nobody wanted a tie.

"C'mon, Pete-dawg!" Satan called. "You can do this! If not, you SUCK!"

Pete sweated like mad, ruining his fancy uniform. He was running out of steam, if he didn't pull something out of his sleeve quickly, he would lose the challenge. He looked back at the audience desperately, only to see that Hook and Negaduck were now angrily struggling for ownership of the placard, and had no new insults for him. Pete's arm began to weaken, not long from giving out, assuming it didn't break completely. _Okay, come on Mighty Pete, this is it,_ Pete thought feverishly. _It's all down to you! You've gotta think of something…just…just…_

"Hey, look over there!" Pete said, the best he could come up with. Everyone groaned.

Xehanort rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, I know, it's a three-headed monkey."

"Uh, no, no! It's…it's Maleficent!" Pete improvised quickly.

"What?" Surprised, Xehanort twisted around…

And Pete slammed the man's arm to the table. "HA! YOUR MOTHER!"

"WHAT?!" Xehanort cried in horror, as he realized he had just lost. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Booyah!" applauded an approving Satan. Everyone else clapped very enthusiastically, not because Pete had won, but because the long, boring match was over. Negaduck and Hook were now rolling on the ground, beating each other up, and didn't notice. "Nice going, dawg!"

"Whooooo!" Pete cried triumphantly as Xehanort glowered at him.

"Yes, you now have only several dozen more challenges to go," Judge Doom told him.

"…Awcrap."

**ROUND 9: BELCHING CONTEST**

"The rules are simple!" Judge Doom announced, handing each rival a purple can of Heartless Juice soda. "You must each belch a song to the best of your ability, with as many right notes as possible! Whoever's belch is best wins the challenge!"

"This should be good," said an interested Shaga. "I hear Pete can belch the alphabet at the drop of a hat, singing shouldn't be that difficult."

"Yes, but I've also heard that Xehanort got up to all sorts of hijinks with his fellow apprentices back when he was still human," said Captain Hook warily. "So there's no telling what sorts of secrets he learned from them, including the master to the perfect belch-song!"

"Xehanort, mah man, since you did such a sweet job shearing those sheep in the last challenge," Satan said obligingly. "How about you go first?"

"I thought _I_ was his man…" Pete said miserably as Xehanort smirked and chugged down the soda. He paused a moment, letting the carbonation build within him, and then began to burp out a perfect rendition of 'Paint it Black' by the Rolling Stones. Well, perfect for a burp, anyway. The audience applauded politely when he had finished, with varying degrees of approval (except for Vayne, who thought the display rather vulgar, Flintheart, who was equally disgusted, Moliarty, who was Satan's footstool, and the demonesses, who were doing naughty things to Satan and ignoring the show.).

Pete glared at the smirking Xehanort before chugging his soda. Fortunately enough, he knew _just_ the song to pay that rotten jerk back; thanks to some information Zexion had told him before the challenge started. Pete let the soda settle in his chest for a moment, then began to sing (by burping) an all-too familiar melody. "It's a world of laughter, it's a world of tears…"

Xehanort's eyes widened in horror. _No_. Not this. ANYTHING but this!

"It's a world of hope, and a world of fears..."

Xehanort vaguely became aware that he was screaming.

"There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware…"

Xehanort, screaming, ran in terror and leaped off the side of the terrace to escape the sound of the (barely) music. Don't worry folks, he's the seeker of darkness, he'll be fine.

"It's a small world after allllll!" Pete finished, looking around for applause.

He didn't get any. Everyone except Gaston, who hadn't been listening, and Satan, who was too badass, was cowering under their chairs in terror. All the Heartless and Nobodies who had gathered around to watch had portalled away in fright as well. Pete blinked. "Uh, wow, I didn't know _all_ of you were scared of that…"

"Whoo! It takes real guts to sing a song like that, Pete-dawg!" Satan approved, applauding enthusiastically.

"Yes, but he's disqualified!" Judge Doom shouted from under his chair. "That was completely tone-deaf! And besides, some things are just too horrible…Xehanort wins by default!"

"Darn!" Pete groaned, sagging in disappointment.

"Hooray," Xehanort cried from the crater he had made when he had slammed into the dance floor, waving an arm feebly in the air in triumph. (I said he'd be fine, I didn't say he'd be _unhurt_.)

**ROUND 15: CROSS-DRESSING**

"Is this really necessary?" Pete whimpered from within the dressing room.

"It most certainly is," Judge Doom told him. "You can't win if you don't come out. Then Xehanort will win by default."

There was a long, long pause as Pete mulled that over. "You guys promise you won't laugh?"

"We promise," the villains all promised. They were, naturally, lying and getting their cameras ready.

"Come on, Pete-dawg!" Satan bellowed. "Let's get this show on the road!"

There was a deep, heavy sigh from within the dressing room. Then, Pete pulled the curtain open and stepped out.

For a moment, the villains stared at him, dumbstruck. Then, predictably, they all burst into laughter, some rolling on the ground in stitches as others took as many pictures as they possibly could. Pete whimpered, lip quivering. "You guys said you wouldn't laugh…"

"We lied! Duh!" Negaduck howled, slapping his thighs as his sides shook.

Pete looked truly dreadful. He was wearing a XXXXX-sized sleeveless flower-patterned pink muumuu which did very little to hide his gut, and exposed far too much of his extremely hairy arms. His feet were crammed into very high-heeled shoes that were not only too small for him, but were starting to split from the strain of having his feet stuffed in them and having to support his enormous bulk. He was carrying a purse over his left arm and a necklace of thick pearls around his bull neck. Bright red lipstick and rouge had been applied to his lips and cheeks, along with a heavy amount of eyeliner, blush, and other makeup products which just made his hairy, unshaven face look even more gruesome than ever before. The curly-haired blond wig he was wearing didn't help matters either.

"Pete-dawg, you gotta be the _ugliest_ bitch I ever seen!" Satan roared, stomping his feet with laughter and shaking the room. "I'd _never_ want to fuck you…unless it were especially dark, and I were really inebriated, and even then maybe not." This didn't exactly help poor Pete's self-esteem. And he just _knew_ Maleficent would get some of those pictures, and then _she'd_ laugh too, or just light him on fire, or something.

"Xehanort, it's your turn," Judge Doom announced, struggling to keep his laughter down.

"Very well," said the seeker's voice from within his dressing room. The curtain slid aside, and he stepped out.

All the laughter stopped as the villains stared in disbelief at Xehanort. Abis Mal eagerly snapped a few pictures, certain he could sell them on this 'Internet' thing he'd been hearing about. "Whoa," said an amazed Captain Hook. Negaduck wolf-whistled.

Xehanort had, amazingly, turned himself into a woman…or at least looked very much like one in his sweeping black gothic dress with the bat-wing ornaments growing from his shoulders and his beautiful silver hair flowing down his back, lipstick and eyeshadow masterfully placed across his features with false longer eyelashes placed over his real ones to give him an even more feminine look. He had even stuffed his chest to make it appear as if he had an ample bosom. He actually looked…well, beautiful, or would have if they hadn't known he was actually a guy under all that.

Xehanort fidgeted, somewhat embarrassed and hoping that his Other and their friends never, EVER found out about this or they'd lose what little respect and fear they still had of him. His embarrassment changed rapidly to shock as a certain demon king was suddenly KISSING HIM on the lips and GROPING him in very inappropriate places and OH SWEET DARKNESS HOW COULD HIS TONGUE REACH THAT FAR DOWN!?

Breaking lip contact with the stunned Xehanort, Satan waved at the other villains as he dragged the seeker in drag into the dressing room. "Sorry homies, just can't resist! Take a ten-minute break, this shouldn't take too long! Ladies, care to join us?" His demon whores giggled and eagerly rushed into the crowded dressing room to join their master and his prisoner. Xehanort started screaming as Satan pulled the curtain shut, thankfully blocking the others off from the horrific and unspeakable events about to occur.

The villains stared at the curtain, stunned, and trying to keep their imaginations from portraying what was causing all the screaming and horrible noises from within the changing room. "You know," Vayne finally said after a long moment to Pete. "Perhaps it's a good thing you look so horribly in a dress."

Pete was nodding very rapidly. "Yes, I was thinking the exact same thing. I'm, ah, just going to…go put my clothes back on. Somewhere far, FAR away from here."

"Good idea," said Duke Igthorn, shaking his head in disbelief. Pete dashed back into the dressing room, grabbed his clothes, and hurried off to find somewhere private. As he did, the screams of agony…and _pleasure_, though not from Xehanort…from the curtained booth rose in pitch and intensity, sending shivers down the other villains' backs.

"I want my mommy," whimpered Prince John as he rocked back and forth and sucked his thumb, trying desperately to think happy thoughts.

"If only I were hard of hearing rather than near-sighted," moaned Moliarty as Xehanort's screaming rose and fell from within the room.

"OH YEAH! Come on baby, give it to Papa Satan…oh yeah! OH YEAH! OHHHHH YEAAAAAHHHHH!" Satan's voice bellowed from behind the curtain, accompanied by moans of ecstasy from his concubines and screams from Xehanort.  
That was the last straw. "Um…you know what, I think I'm gonna…" Zurg started, trailed off, then just ran away.

The others glanced at each other, nodded in fear, and followed him…except for Emperor Shaga and Flintheart Glomgold. "You're not leaving?" the bubble-encased shark asked the old miser.

Flintheart chuckled lecherously. "I'm a perverted old man. What do you think? I've hidden a camera inside there to record exactly what happens. I suspected Satan's tastes and knew that, as a bishounen, Xehanort could not help but look sexy in drag, and so knew it would be a safe bet that something would happen between them, and so it is, just as I predicted. When I introduce that tape to the mainstream, I'll make a fortune…again! Assuming the events in there aren't so graphic they melt the film, that is. What about you?"

"The fear and pleasure of the hunt is…intoxicating," Shaga said, licking his lips. "I can smell it all the way from here…the terror of the prey, helpless as it is utterly devoured, intertwined with the ecstasy of the hunter who has the prey at his utter mercy. What shark would not be aroused?"

"Hehehehe…seems like we're both sick old men," Flintheart joked.

"I wouldn't say that," Shaga said calmly. "Sharks that are either old or sick or both do not last very long and are soon devoured. We Sharkanians can't abide weakness, you see…" Slowly, he turned to look at Flintheart. "You are rather old, and visibly frail…I would suggest you not get a papercut around me." He gave the tycoon the kind of grin that only a shark can grin, which is a very scary grin indeed, full of teeth and unending hunger. The old duck paled beneath his feathers and quickly moved several chairs away from Shaga.

And inside the changing room, Satan's hollers of pleasure continued to mix with Xehanort's screams.

**ROUND 23: MILKING**

After Satan had finished thoroughly molesting Xehanort, he immediately reconvened everyone to begin the next round, not particularly caring that poor Xehanort was still shell-shocked and thoroughly dazed from the horrifying experience. This had affected him adversely in a number of challenges, allowing Pete to win many…however, he still managed to win others somehow, despite his current condition. Whether he'd be able to handle this next one, though, was another question altogether.

"Where'd these cows come from?" Pete wondered, scratching his head as he stared at the two miserable-looking cows that had been placed before him and Xehanort.

"They're mine," Flintheart told them. "I obtained them along with the farm they lived on in one of my business ventures. They're an anatomic anomaly…they're male, and yet they have udders."

"Whoa! Seriously! That's, like…really gross," said a disturbed Abis Mal.

"Why are they wearing gags?" asked a puzzled Hades.

"Because they talk," said a weary Flintheart. "Another anomaly. And their complaints are most annoying."

"But they're cows," said a confused Vayne. "Wouldn't they eat the gags?"

"Not with the flavoring I've given them," Flintheart chuckled cruelly.

"For this challenge," Judge Doom said to Pete and an agitated, jittery Xehanort. "You must each milk a cow and collect three bucket's worth of milk."

"Ah…but…these are _guy_ cows," protested Pete. "So…wouldn't I be…"

"No, Pete, udders are not the same as what you're thinking of," said a tired Doom.

"Oh. Okay."

"Hoo-wee, I don't blame you though," Satan commented. "Easy mistake to make. I should know…heheheheheheh." Nobody thought of asking for clarification on the meaning of that statement.

Pete, somewhat resigned to getting his hands dirty (he did that sort of thing all the time, anyway), sat down on the stool provided for him, pulled a bucket over, and began tugging on the cow's udders, squirting milk into the container. He tried very, VERY hard not to think of any innuendos that could be spun off from this, or how this was, bizarrely, a MALE cow and made this feel even wronger somehow. Soon enough, he filled up the first bucket and pulled over the second.

Xehanort, on the other hand, was standing there, staring at Pete, sweating heavily. "Ah, Xehanort? Mr. Xehanort?" Judge Doom said, waving his hand in the seeker's face. "You're supposed to start milking now."

"Milking," Xehanort said deadpan, staring at Pete squeezing…and squeezing…and SQUEEZING…

"Yes, milking, you retard!" Negaduck yelled from his seat, throwing a soda cup at Xehanort. It hit his head and bounced off, spilling soda all over him and ruining his hair. He didn't notice. "Great, he's broken," the duck grumbled.

"Heheh…whoops," Satan said sheepishly. "Guess I went a little too hard on him, huh?"

Xehanort's eye twitched as the horrible, horrible memories of what had happened not too long ago rushed back from where he had repressed them, triggered by Pete's milking the cow and the voice of his tormentor. And, quite understandably, he snapped.

"AAAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHH!" he screamed, ripping his jacket off and whirling it over his head. "AUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!" He grabbed his bucket and crammed it on top of his head. "AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" As everyone stared in disbelief, Xehanort, shirtless and with a bucket on his head, ran over to the edge of the terrace, jumped over the railing, and fell screaming to the ground floor, making a second hole next to the first one when he impacted.

They blinked, as Pete finished filling his third bucket with milk and won the challenge. "Ah," Hook said finally. "Is there a psychiatrist in the house?"

Fortunately for Xehanort, there was.

**ROUND 24: COW HURLING**

One quick visit to one of the numerous mad scientists at the party who happened to have a degree in psychotherapy later, and Xehanort had recovered somewhat and completely forgotten the horrible, horrible events that had happened to him in the dressing room through a combination of hypnosis, lobotomy, and outright denial. Still, Namine would probably have to do some work later to make sure he (and possibly Riku) didn't go insane from the repressed memories should they ever pop back up. He still twitched a bit whenever he looked at Satan, though. The demon king, for his part, seemed utterly unremorseful for what he had done, which was probably to be expected.

The same exact cows from the very last challenge, still gagged, were now trembling in fright as Judge Doom explained the next challenge. "For this event, you must each pick up one of these cows and hurl it as far as you possibly can," he explained. "Whoever throws it the furthest wins."

"May I eat the cows when we are through with them?" Shaga asked. "Or are there any other challenges that require them?"

Doom glanced at Satan, who nodded, then said, "I see no reason why you can't."

"Hey, wait!" Flintheart snapped. "Those are MY cows!"

"Not anymore they aren't," Doom informed him. "When you volunteered them for the challenges, you lost all rights and ownership of them." The old duck spluttered in disbelief that he had been outmaneuvered and, basically, cheated out of his property, while Negaduck snickered in amusement to see the coot humbled. "Now, you may begin!"

Pete grimaced and rubbed his hands together. "Okay Petie boy, nothing to it. Just like lifting bales of hay or shoveling coal into the old steamboat…except this is a lot heavier than any of those." Walking over to the first cow, he reached down under his belly to get a firm grip, careful not to touch the udders or any other dangling organs down there. Then, he took a deep breath, counted to three, and lifted.

Or tried to, anyway. Cows are very heavy, after all, and Pete, even with his impressive strength, was having trouble lifting it more than a few inches off the ground, and from the redness of his face, his sweat, and his shortness of breath, it looked like either his back would give out or something even more vital would break any moment now.

Seeing this, his allies gave him some helpful advice. "Dump it! Take a dive!"

"Grab the thing by its udders and swing, baby, swing!"

"Toss it over here, I'll dispose of it for you! It's been a while since I've eaten beef…" Shaga said, licking his lips.

"Hey, no fair, I want beef too!" Prince John whined. Shaga just looked at him and the pathetic lion squealed and cowered behind Emperor Zurg.

"Lift with your legs, not your back!" Abis Mal shouted, actually offering some good advice.

So, Pete tried just that and, amazingly, managed to lift the cow off the ground and into his arms. He lost his balance though, due to the thing's immense weight and started stumbling back and forth, trying to keep from falling back and getting crushed beneath the cow's bulk; while the cow hoped the same did not happen to it. Realizing he couldn't possibly keep this up much longer, Pete quickly put one foot down and pivoted hard, using his momentum and the cow's weight to spin about and fling it away from him, unfortunately straight at the other villains. They cringed and quickly ducked for cover, but fortunately the cow arced straight over their heads, mooing long and low in horror from beneath its gag as it flew high into the air off the edge of the terrace, grazed the ceiling, and fell to the floor, crushing some hapless dancers beneath its weight and breaking most of the bones in its body in the process. The other dancers stared at it for a moment, then cheered drunkenly (for they were very drunk, or high on some kind of drug, or just crazy at this point), and collectively managed to lift the cow and parade it around before they were unable to sustain its weight and it crushed them, too.

"Woohoo!" Pete cried when Judge Doom reported how far he had managed to throw the cow. "Beat that, Xehanort!"

"Very well." Using his darkness-enhanced strength, Xehanort easily lifted the cow with both hands (even with darkness, it was still too heavy for one hand) and hurled it as hard as he could across the length of the club. The poor cow smashed into the far wall, imbedding itself in it and also shattering every bone in its body and rupturing most of its internal organs. It whimpered in excruciating agony as it peeled out of the crater and plummeted to the floor, dying on impact and crushing yet more dancers beneath its weight.

"Ha!" Xehanort said triumphantly, for Pete's cow had only gotten a third of the distance Xehanort's had.

"Xehanort is the winner! And Shaga may eat the cows!" Doom reported.

"Excellent," Shaga said, a very hungry gleam in his eyes as Pete crossed his arms and grumbled under his breath about lousy cheating pretty-boy assholes.

**ROUND 37: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS**

The title of this round is self-explanatory. Pete and Xehanort stood across from each other, glaring into each other's eyes, fists held out. "3…2…1…go!" Judge Doom called.

The rivals shook their fists. "Rock, paper, scissors, GO!" Xehanort got paper, Pete got scissors. "Ha! Take that!" Pete crowed triumphantly. "Scissors cuts paper!"

"Er…" Xehanort quickly curved his flat hand somewhat, to look a little more like a claw. "Wrong! That wasn't paper, that was darkness, the darkness that engulfs ALL THINGS! INCLUDING SCISSORS!"

"What! You can't do that! Can he do that?" Pete asked Doom, who shrugged. "Wow, some judge you are."

"I never went to law school, to be honest," Doom confessed.

"I win!" Xehanort cackled gleefully, while some of the audience grunted apathetically

"Um…wait!" Pete cried desperately. "This isn't scissors, it's, it's-" He almost said light, but knew the other villains would never let him live it down. He quickly glanced at them for some inspiration, and then had a brilliant idea. "-Satan! Yeah, that's right, Satan!" Pete said, turning the two fingers of the scissors vertically and positioning them on his forehead so they looked either like horns or some sort of V-shaped crest. "And Satan trumps the claw of darkness!"

Satan started grinning. "I _like_ where this is going."

"Vain ass," Mozenrath grumbled to himself.

"Did somebody mention me?" Gaston asked.

"No, the other vain ass, though you're vainer," Mozenrath said with a sigh.

"Did you say my name?" asked Vayne Solidor with a frown.

"What? No, I…oh, forget it!" the wizard snapped angrily, sitting down. He paused. "Do you want-"

"NO, WHAT PART OF 'NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR HIDEOUS DECAYING HAND' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!" just about everyone yelled at him. Actually, a number of Nobodies _were_ curious, but since they were Nobodies their opinion didn't count for anything.

"What do you mean, Satan?!" Xehanort demanded.

"Well, you're the seeker of darkness and command Heartless and have destroyed lots of worlds and have all sortsa other dark powers," Pete explained. "But Satan's…well, he's _Satan!_ The Dark One, Lord of the Damned, evil incarnate, master archfiend and leader of all demonkind, supreme ruler of the Underworld-"

"AHEM!" Hades said loudly, flames and skin turning bright red.

"Er, the _other_ one, the one that has more flames and stuff, and sexier babes," Pete said quickly. "Not yours." Hades gritted his teeth and grew so hot that he burst into flame as he muttered numerous curses and thinly-veiled jealousies about Satan, causing those closest to him to swelter from the heat and Satan himself to chortle in amusement. "And, uh, the most powerful demon that's ever lived, the ultimate dark lord, and all sorts of other stuff which makes him more than qualified to command if not beat the darkness you've got there. He's also had tons of children, while Xehanort…well, you don't have any, right?" Xehanort grimaced, somewhat uncomfortable in the truth of that statement. "And while you're pretty tough…well, Satan's tougher! I mean, he's so bad that even Sephiroth's a wimpy little girl to him, and we all know how badass Sephiroth is!" There were various nods of agreement from the crowd at this, and Satan's proud grin grew wider and wider as Pete continued kissing up to him. "And you…well, no offense, but Sephiroth has you beat in most categories, which therefore means Satan has you beat there too since he beats Sephiroth. And it doesn't help that your hair's not as good as either of theirs." Pete carefully made no comments to Satan and Xehanort's fling in the dressing room, since Xehanort was trying very hard not to remember that.

"WHAT?!" Xehanort bellowed. "My hair is certainly just as good as either of theirs, and has won plenty of beauty contests by itself! At least I don't have to spend nearly as much time washing it as Mr. I Don't Need a Haircut, and at least it stays one color rather than Mr. Rainbow's!"

"Ooohhh," went the audience, shocked at Xehanort's audacity.

"You did NOT just go there!" bellowed an enraged Satan, igniting much as Hades had…and making the god even more jealous, because Satan's flames were much hotter and brighter than his own. The concubines didn't seem to mind, though.

Xehanort paled, realizing he had made a serious mistake and feeling far more fear than he should rationally be experiencing, thanks to subconscious vibes from his repressed memories of the molestation. "Ah, f-father—I mean, _future_ father-in-law, I meant no-"

"You most certainly did!" Satan growled. "I should rape you for that, boy! Again," he added under his breath. "For your _extreme_ disrespect, I hereby declare Pete-dawg the winner of this match…and the next dozen, as well!"

"Woohoo!" cheered Pete.

"Yay," went the majority of the crowd, not really caring either way. At least this meant they wouldn't have to sit through all these inane challenges.

"Um, I'm not sure you can-" Doom started uncertainly.

"Hey, these are my challenges dawg, I can do them however I want!" Satan snapped. "Got a problem with that, we can talk it over in my office…DOWN UNDER!" And they all were pretty sure by 'talk' he meant something much more horrific and intrusive.

"In Australia?" said a confused Moliarty, stretching his back since Satan wasn't using him for a footstool at the moment. The villains stared at him, not that he could tell, due to his very bad eyesight.

"Um, let's move on to the next challenge then!" Doom said nervously. "The one after all the ones Pete's just won by default, that is."

"Heheheh, in your face! I'm in the lead!" Pete boasted to his foe.

Xehanort was seething with rage. He was burning too, in dark flames, which frustrated Hades to no end. "What, is _everyone_ going to combust now?!" he said, exasperated. Then he noticed that everyone who had been sitting close to him or Satan were running around screaming as they burned in the flames both evil lords had vented in anger. "Dammit," he groaned, putting his face in his hands. Assassin Nobodies, used to this sort of thing in their service to their former master Axel, portalled in carrying fire extinguishers, sprayed the foam onto confused Heartless waiters/spectators, dropped the empty tanks on the floor, and left. (Hey, they worked for _Axel_. You really think he'd train them to _stop_ people from burning?) Fortunately, the Dancers who portalled in next had been trained by Demyx, who thoroughly disliked fire, and were more than happy to put out the flames.

"Before now, you were but a nuisance, a speed bump in my way to Maleficent," Xehanort growled ominously to Pete, the entire club darkening and all Heartless getting the strong urge to rush to his side and cling to his legs. They didn't, though, for then who would serve the drinks and food to the guests? "But now…now, you are my enemy, and I shall treat you as such."

"Uh, weren't you already doing that before?" asked a confused Pete.

"…Yes, but that's unimportant. Now you shall _truly_ feel my wrath!" Xehanort threatened.

"Yeah?" Pete sneered. "Bring it on!"

Unfortunately for Pete, Xehanort did.

…

As Tidus and Wakka had promised before, it was indeed a straight shot to the treasure chamber. A straight shot that, naturally, was lined with the heaviest booby-traps and obstacles they had yet faced. They had to conquer armies of skeleton warriors, cross crumbling bridges and platforms over chasms of death, battle horrible monsters, and solve fiendishly difficult puzzles, many of which involved pushing blocks around. They even had to play an game of Blitzball against replicas of Ohalland's legendary team, made difficult by Selphie's inability to hold her breath for very long underwater.

Nevertheless, they persevered, and at last reached the final doorway between them and the treasure chamber. "This is it," Tidus said confidently. "I'm certain of it. The treasure's just behind this door."

"That's what you said about the last five rooms," Paine pointed out.

"Yes, but this time we're _really_ certain of it," Rikku pressed. "And all the ornate details on the door would suggest it's the last one, ya?"

"He has a point," Yuna said.

"All right," Auron said. "Is everyone ready? Weapons and dresspheres on standby?"

"Check," said Paine, drawing her sword.

"Everyone fully healed?"

"Check," said Tidus, who had been afflicted with a nasty mess of status conditions by one of the monsters they had fought but was now okay thanks to Yuna's white magic spells and an assortment of recovery items.

"All magic at full power?"

"Definitely," said Yuna, having recharged her own magic with some powerful ethers.

"Then there's nothing stopping us from proceeding," the dead man said with a nod towards the door. "Let's go."

The door rumbled and slid upward as they approached, causing Selphie to squeal and babble about haunted doors (as she had done for the last several doors, as well). They passed through the gateway and entered the treasure chamber.

The name of the room was rather misleading. There were indeed treasures, but not many, for Ohalland had not been a man to collect much in the way of worldly possessions. All that the creator of Blitzball had taken with him to the grave were his prized golden Blitzball and the very first crystal cup, both sealed with his corpse inside the plain rectangular sarcophagus covered in images depicting some of his special Blitzball plays in action placed in the center of the cavernous dome-roofed chamber, with statues of his team members lining the walls like silent guardians of their leader's resting place. Near a second entrance to the chamber was a large pile of scrap which may or may not once have been a battle robot of some sorts, now defeated. And, in the middle of the room, struggling to lever off the very heavy lid of the sarcophagus, were…

"It's the Leblanc Syndicate!" Yuna cried, as she and her companions quickly got into battle-ready stances.

"Hmm?" One of the three floating fairies trying to pry off the lid turned around, blinking in surprise at the intruders. "What…what are you doing here?!" The fairy was female with short blond hair and a pair of long pins intersecting a bun on the back of her head. She wore a tight hot violet set of robes open down the front, exposing most of her petite (hey, she's a fairy) breasts, as well as the tattoo of a heart with eyes between her neck and her chest. The suit had a wide, protruding collar going out to the sides over her shoulders with tassels hanging at the ends and triangle motifs. The edges of the suit open at her chest were lined with gold trim and many light blue triangles, while her long sleeves were covered in strange blue designs ending at the wide cuffs. It had no sides from the waist down, exposing her legs, but still covering the rest of her in a weird skirt or band of sorts which wrapped around the lower part of her right leg and reattached to her waist on her back. She had high leggings covered with more blue designs and a pair of high-heeled boots with metal anklets. A pair of heart-shaped wings looking somewhat like her tattoo fluttered on her back.

"Trying to keep treasure out of your hands, of course!" Yuna said, aiming her guns. The other female scowled and whipped out a large fan with hook-shaped edges.

"Oh my. It's the Dullwings," said the second fairy in a deep, drawling voice. He was tall (for a fairy), skinny, and clad in deep blue robes with the same symbol as the female's tattoo on his shoulders and on the sides of his long sleeves. He wore a pair of sashes for belts over the open front of his robes, which thankfully were covered by a smaller set of clothes inside and not an open chest like the woman's. He had a sour face framed by a strange flat-topped headgear with an arrow pointing counter-clockwise at the top, with a purple ribbon tying on the headgear's chinpiece with very long ends that fluttered about much like Rikku's scarf. "However did they get here?"

"It was easy, we just followed the scent of your awful cologne!" Rikku joked, brandishing her daggers. The sour-faced fairy grew even sourer and drew a pair of long-barreled pistols from his sleeves.

"Bwahahaha! No matter how you got here, we're still gonna crush you losers!" said the third fairy, short, rather fat, and wearing an assortment of purple clothing in various shades (robes clearly not made for him) with lots of triangle-shaped frills and bandages wrapped around his thick forearms and ankles. He had headgear similar to the taller fairy, but the arrow on top was pointed clockwise and his face was much chubbier. The tiny wings on his back had to flutter overtime to keep him in the air. He almost looked cherubic, actually…if he weren't so ugly.

"You mean _we're_ going to crush you. _Again,_" Paine sneered, cutting the air with her sword. "The only way you're going to crush is if you sit on us with that fat ass of yours."

Selphie gasped. "OH EM GEE! She said 'ass'!" The girl giggled stupidly.

The fat fairy blinked, sniffled, and, rather embarrassingly, started bawling. "WHAAAAA! Boss, she's being mean to meeeeeeee!"

The heroes stared blankly as the tall fairy rather awkwardly began comforting his fat comrade by muttering reassurances about how he wasn't fat, just big-boned, and other platitudes like that. "So, ah, who're those brats you've brought with you, Dullwings?" the female fairy asked rudely, trying to save face. "Were you so scared of facing us again that you had to bring some pets to help you out?"

Yuna gasped indignantly. "I never!"

"Yeah, we're not pets!" Tidus said angrily.

"That's right, they're our sidekicks," Paine agreed.

"Yeah! Wait, what?!" cried a startled Wakka.

"We're not sidekicks!" Tidus protested. "If anyone's a sidekick, it's Selphie! And Rikku!"

"That's right! Wait, what?!" said a startled Rikku as Selphie continued picking her nose, having missed her name being mentioned. "_I'm _a sidekick?! No fair! I can see why Selphie would be considered one, but why me?!"

"Because you get lost all the time, are a klutz, tend to blow things up, and are generally around only for comic relief?" Wakka said.

"Whaaaaaat?! That's not fair!" Rikku whined, stomping her feet in the air. "Yuniiiiieeee! They're being meeeeeeaaaan!"

"_Nobody's_ a sidekick," Yuna said firmly, comforting her cousin.

"Except for Selphie," Paine muttered.

"That's right, none of us are sidekicks! We're…um…" Tidus paused, lost for words.

"Guardians," said Auron.

"What?" Tidus said, surprised.

"Guardians," repeated Auron. "It seems fitting."

"Yeah…yeah! That's right! We're the Guardians of the Gullwings!" Tidus said proudly, surprised at how good that sounded.

"Hey, that could be the name for a good team or something," said an impressed Wakka. "Cool."

"Pets, sidekicks, guardians, whatever," the female fairy said dismissively. "You're still gonna lose to us!"

"And why's that?" Auron asked.

The female laughed shrilly, hurting their ears. "Why, don't you know who we are? Boys!" Her goons quickly got to attention as she used magic to start some kind of illusory hologram and the tall fairy turned on a music player in his robes, causing a dramtic tune to fill the chamber.

"Prepare for trouble from beyond the skies!" the female cackled, twirling to the side as a backdrop of stars shot past.

"From a world beyond the stars comes a nasty surprise," said the tall fairy, sliding in from the left and stopping some distance away from the female, eyes closed dramatically as he held a gun to the air.

"An evil older than the galaxy!" the female crooned, rising in the air as a swirling galaxy appeared behind her.

"Come here to steal all your money," said the tall fairy, floating down beside her as millions of gold coins spiraled past them.

"Plus, there's me!" the fat fairy joined in, popping up between the other two.

"To steal riches in the name of love!" the female fairy said, standing on the surface of a sun as its rising flames momentarily formed the image of a handsome glasses-wearing fairy before collapsing and turning into the heart-with-eyes symbol of her tattoo.

"To rob the greatest treasures in all the worlds below and above!" the tall fairy said, twirling down from 'above' and landing artfully on the flames besides the female.

"Leblanc!" said the female, brandishing her fan as the sun was replaced by stars once more.

"And Logos," said the tall fairy, twirling his guns.

"And Ormi's the name!" added the fat fairy, pulling out a large round shield, dozens of heart symbols ringing its edges.

Leblanc pointed to the sky as they stood on a heart-with-eyes shaped continent on a small planet. "Wherever there's wealth in the universe…"

"The Leblanc Syndicate…" said Logos, crossing his arms.

"Will be there…" said Ormi.

"To steal it and make everything worse!" they all finished together.

"Chappu, that's right!" said a grinning red-haired Tidus lookalike, popping up out of nowhere and flashing a peace sign.

The group stared at the three, now four, dumbfounded as the illusion vanished and the dramatic music cut off. Well, the fairies looked used to it, but were surprised by the fourth addition to the villains' party. "Double-you tee eff?" Selphie asked, tilting her head in confusion. "Why is Tidus clone here with the aliens? Is this part of their evil conspiracy?" She gasped. "OH EM GEE, the aliens and the government are in it together to dominate the world with Tidus clones! EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" They ignored her.

"…Amazing," said Auron, shaking his head. "They're even more ridiculous than the ones I knew…"

"Do they do that all the time?" Tidus asked Yuna.

"Kind of," she said. "It's a thing we treasure hunters do. We showed you a bit of our own version before, remember?"

"Yeah, but you only got to see the abridged edition! Wanna see the whole thing, with super-duper extra special effects?" Rikku asked eagerly.

"Nuh-uh, no thanks," Tidus said quickly.

"Awwww…" whined Rikku.

Paine nodded. "A wise decision."

"Hey big brother!" Chappu called to Wakka. "What's up?"

"Whaaaat?! Chappu, what do you think you're doing here, ya?!" Wakka cried in shock and disbelief.

"Well, these three fairies here said they'd grant me a wish if I guided them through Ohalland's tomb!" Chappu said, rubbing his hands together eagerly. "And now that I've done that, I'm gonna wish for a career as a blitzball star and a dream house just for Lulu and me! You can come live in it too, if you want."

"Huh, that actually sounds kinda nice…but, uh, they're lying!" Wakka insisted.

Chappu blinked. "They are?"

"Yes, fairies can't grant wishes," said Paine.

"Well, some can," Yuna corrected. "But…certainly not them! Or us either, for that matter."

"You lied to me?!" Chappu asked the three villains, shocked.

"Not only that, they used you to take them here, so they could steal Ohalland's treasure!" Tidus added.

"Whaaaaat?!" Chappu cried. "You guys said you were Blitz fans wanting to see the tomb of the guy who began it all!"

"We lied," Leblanc snickered evilly. "Duh. We're bad guys, what do you expect?"

"I mean really, if we weren't evil, would we have such excellent taste in fashion?" Logos asked, showing off his stylish robes.

"He has a point there…" Rikku murmured.

"Quiet, traitor!" Paine hissed, bopping her on the head with the pommel of her sword. "Okay, enough talk, let's kick their ass!" Selphie giggled at the word 'ass' again.

"I concur," Auron said, slipping his left arm out of its sling and holding his sword double-handed, ready to deal some damage. Tidus mimicked Auron's stance, not wanting to look any less badass than his 'uncle' so he could impress Yuna. He was her 'Guardian' now, after all.

"Haha! But while you fools were distracted with young Chappu's melodrama, my minion Ormi has been finishing the task of opening the sarcophagus! And once he does, the treasure of Ohalland will be all ours!" Leblanc cried, gesturing with her fan to Ormi, who, though sweating and grunting heavily, was indeed managing to slowly lift the heavy lid off the sarcophagus. "And then NOBODY will be able to speak against me when I marry Noojy-Woojy!" Her eyes turned into hearts, and she seemed to forget about everything else, going into a tirade about how wonderful the wedding was going to be and how beautiful she'd look in her dress and how gorgeous their kids would be and other inconsequential babble that nobody paid attention to, save Logos, since he was paid to do so. (And kinda had a crush on Leblanc himself, as did Ormi.)

Tidus gasped, suddenly remembering the most important of all possible things that he had forgotten about the tomb. "No, don't! If you open that thing and take the treasure, you'll awaken the invincible legendary guardian!"

His friends looked at him in alarm. "Legendary guardian?!" Rikku cried.

"You could have mentioned this before," Paine said coolly.

"Well, I kinda…" Tidus trailed off.

"Forgot?" Yuna asked, looking disappointed again.

Tidus' shoulders sagged. "Yeah."

Auron sighed and shook his head. "I really need to have Jecht talk to you about your study habits…"

"Legendary guardian? What, Oblitzerator? We already beat him," a confused Chappu said, pointing to the heap of scrap.

"Oh…all right…" said Tidus, still feeling confused and certain that he was forgetting something else.

Fortunately enough, Wakka remembered it for him. "NO, Oblitzerator's not the legendary guardian, he's just the _door guard!_ The _real_ legendary guardian is far more powerful, and-" He stopped as a loud thud echoed throughout the room, the slab covering the sarcophagus finally levered off the top by Ormi and falling to the ground. LeBlanc cackled joyously…and ever so softly, the chamber began to rumble. Stone slabs slammed shut over all the doors, trapping them in the room. Wakka's face paled. "…And it's coming for us right now."

"Ha-ha!" LeBlanc squealed joyfully, prying a golden Blitzball and beautifully carved giant crystal sports trophy out of the hands of the rotted skeleton within the open sarcophagus. "At last, the treasure is mine! And now Noojy-Woojy and I will be united in…what is it?" Logos, Ormi, and pretty much everyone else was backing away, faces pale, jaws dropped, and pointing behind her. "…Oh crap. I've just unleashed some horrible monstrosity upon us all…again…and it's right behind me, isn't it?" Logos and Ormi nodded. "Shit."

LeBlanc turned around. She looked up…and up…and up at the giant monster standing before her. And she screamed, and screamed, and screamed, as the monster opened its gaping jaws and bellowed at her, showering her with spittle and breath reeking of the dust of aeons.

It was a great dragon, tremendous and standing on four legs, with an armored hide composed of white and gray pitted scales and plates with darker plating on the back, running down from the neck to the end of the tail. Its skin was covered in strange designs mostly made up of dots and other bizarre patterns, making its craggy features seem even uglier and otherworldly, informing them that this was no ordinary dragon. Its toes ended in appendages like suction cups rather than claws, but there was no doubt it would still hurt as hell to either be stepped on or swiped by them. Two small wing-like crests grew from the hips of the hind legs, while much larger true wings grew from right between the shoulders of the front legs. However, rather than a membrane, both wingspans were filled by glowing energy disks, held in place by branch-like growths growing from the arched wing arms. A similar energy disk was held vertically on the end of the dragon's tail with some spiky protrusions growing out just past it. Its head was craggy and quite ugly, with a long horn-like crest growing from the top of its head and jutting out forward over the beast's equally long horn-like snout, both of which joined near the end in a very sharp barbed point. Both horns passed through a fourth and final energy disk before joining, bolts of energy crackling out from the disk and focusing on a smaller black energy halo hovering right behind the spot where the two horns merged, nestled neatly in the space between the two. The dragon glared at the intruders to the tomb, taking them all in with small off-set eyes that could somehow see past the big brilliant energy disk planted in front of its face, and roared again.

"OH EM EFF GEE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed, as usual, and yet they could not help but think that once more she might just be right.

"What the heck is that?!" cried a horrified Yuna.

"We've fought dragons, but I've never seen anything like that!" Rikku agreed, frightened by the thing's size and clear power.

"It smells ancient…" Paine murmured, narrowing her eyes. "It's been in many, many battles…and it's always won."

"That thing is a monster called Yiazmat the Undying," Wakka said grimly. "An ancient creature that's supposed to be millions, if not billions, of years old. Entire armies are supposed to have gone up against this thing and been totally slaughtered. How the heck Lord Ohalland tamed this thing, I have no idea…"

"LeBlanc!" Auron yelled at the petrified fairy. "Whatever this thing is, it's a tomb guardian…so it's tasked to protect those treasures! If you put them back, maybe it'll leave us alone!"

"But…but…Noojy…" LeBlanc stammered in protest. The dragon roared again and took a very menacing step towards her, causing her to scream.

"BOSS!" her goons yelled, quickly racing to her side. "Quick, do what the guy said, put them back in…" The sarcophagus retracted into the ground, a stone panel sliding over it to protect Lord Ohalland's corpse from the unstoppable wrath of the monster tasked to guard it. "The sarcophagus?"

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Ormi screamed. "WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"What did we do to deserve this?!" moaned Logos, the three evil fairies clinging to each other in fright.

"Do you suppose if we let it eat them, it'll leave us alone?" Paine asked.

"Paine!" Yuna said sharply.

"I was just asking," the dark fairy said with a sigh. "So, I guess we have to save them from the mistakes they've made…again, huh?"

Yuna nodded. "That's right!"

"Uh, guys? What part of, 'Yiazmat the Undying' do you not understand, ya?" Wakka asked anxiously.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be completely undefeatable!" Chappu agreed.

"Maybe so, but nothing's undefeatable if you manage to defeat it first," Tidus challenged, pointing his sword at the thing.

"Well said," said an approving Auron with a nod.

"Okay then," sighed an unhappy Rikku. "Guess we're gonna fight, huh? All right, let's do this…"

Yuna nodded and raised her guns. "Gullwings! Let's go!"

"And Guardians too!" Tidus added. "Let's get that thing!"

"I'll, uh, just stay here with Selphie. Out of the way," Chappu said. "Since we'd both only get in the way."

Wakka nodded. "Good idea, brudda. Wouldn't want to explain to Lulu or Mom or Dad that I let you get eaten by a giant ancient dragon, ya?"

"If we are to save those fools," Auron suggested. "We should probably go now."

Tidus nodded. "Right. Guardians…"

"And Gullwings…" added Yuna.

"ATTACK!" Together, they charged the dragon, fully intending to take on the legendary beast…whether they would survive, however, was another question altogether.

Yiazmat, who had been about to devour the trembling fairies, growled in surprise as it felt bullets impact against its armored hide, followed by the blow of a Blitzball to its eye. Neither actually hurt in the slightest, but it caught the beast's attention, and so the great dragon turned to face the oncoming adventurers, ignoring LeBlanc and her cronies for the moment. It wasn't like they were getting anywhere on its watch, anyway. Nobody tried to rob Ohalland's greatest treasures and managed to survive!

"Oh, thank goodness, it's those saps—I mean, noble Gullwings, here to rescue us!" LeBlanc said with evident relief.

"Let's just get out of the way and make our escape—I mean, let these brave heroes do their job," Logos said smoothly, herding the boss and the treasure they were still clutching away from the dragon.

"Yeah, what he said," Ormi agreed.

Yiazmat growled at the approaching group, inhaled deeply, then exhaled a blast of white flames. "Reflega!" Yuna cast quickly, causing hexagonal-paneled energy shields to flicker into life around each hero briefly to deflect the beast's flames. Yuna was startled by how much energy it had taken to keep the shields up, the monster's breath was incredibly powerful. So, it was only fit to respond in kind with a very powerful spell. "Firaga!" A tremendous blast of fire exploded around the beast, causing it to grunt in surprise, but…not really do any damage.

"It's got numerous shields," Paine reported. "To weaken or even deflect magical and physical attacks." Indeed, at close range they could see that the dragon's body was wrapped in multiple force fields to augment the incredible defense already offered by its hide.

"I'll handle this," Auron reported, stopping for a moment, his body glowing as he charged energy into his blade. When he finished, he charged Yiazmat with a battle cry, leaping into the air, and bringing his sword down in a devastating chop which shattered the surprised dragon's shields, leaving it pretty much open.

"I could have just cast Dispel, you know…" Yuna muttered. "But never mind. Blizzaga!" Huge spears of ice blasted out of the ground underneath Yiazmat, causing it to grunt in surprise…and, yet again, take no real damage. "This thing's tough…"

"Definitely," Rikku reported, trying to drive her daggers between scales on the monster's back. "My daggers are chipping just hitting this thing!" She yelped in surprise as the dragon shook its great body, flinging her off and leaving her momentarily disoriented.

Wakka hurled his ball at the dragon repeatedly, and…it barely took notice of him. "Aw come on, this isn't fair…" he complained.

Tidus dodged a stomp from Yiazmat's left foreleg and hacked at it with his sword…only to find that, like Rikku's daggers, his sword was taking more wear than the beast's scales. In fact, after a few chops against the dragon's ankles which sent his bones vibrating, his sword shattered, leaving him with nothing but the hilt and a bit of the blade. "Ah man, this isn't fair either…" he complained, just before Yiazmat swiped at him with one of its claws and sent him flying away. "Waaaauuuugh!"

"Tidus!" Yuna cried in alarm. "Curaga!"

Green light and twinkling bells rained down on Tidus, curing the (surprisingly extensive) damage that Yiazmat had just delivered. "Ow…okay, that hurt."

"Perhaps you should-" Auron started.

"Stay back?! No way!" Tidus said angrily.

"I was going to say take this," Auron said, handing Tidus a new sword. It was a longsword, unlike the kind of weapon Auron used, and had both a liquid curve and a jagged edge, with an offshoot of the blade going back over the hilt, that reminded Tidus oddly of a lightning bolt. "I've been saving this for you. It should be able to take more abuse than that old thing."

"…Oh. Thanks." Discarding his older, broken blade, Tidus quickly accepted Auron's gift and charged back into the fray alongside the samurai.

"Don't suppose you have anything for me, too?" Wakka asked hopefully.

"Sorry, no," Auron apologized.

"Aw man…" Wakka frowned, then just hurled his Blitzball at Yiazmat again. "Then I'll just have to make do, ya?" The dragon, barely registering his attack, turned and exhaled the white fire again. "Waaaaahhhh!"

"Reflega!" Wakka was, once more shielded from the flames by the reflective shield. "Tidus, please be careful!" Yuna scolded, flying overhead as she pumped magically-enhanced lead into the beast's seemingly impenetrable hide.

"Y-yeah, sorry," Wakka said, shaken.

"Take that!" Tidus yelled, slashing at the same ankle he had attacked earlier. He was pleased to see that instead of breaking, his sword actually managed to scratch the dragon's skin! Okay, it wasn't much of a scratch, but _still!_ It was exhilarating to actually leave a mark on this thing's hide!

And then it swiped at him again, knocking him away and breaking all his ribs. "Ow."

"Curaga!" And just like that, they were better. "Tidus, you be careful too. I wouldn't want you to get hurt!" Yuna told him.

Tidus flushed. "S-same here."

"Yuna, we're not doing much like this," Paine reported, having failed to drive her sword through the beast's neck. "I think we need a power boost."

"Right!" said the fairy. "Dresspheres on!" She quickly activated her Black Mage dressphere, donning the witch's hat and magic staff to boost her offensive spells. Paine put on her Dark Knight dressphere, encasing herself in badass black armor throbbing with dark power. Her sword was mostly the same, except its edges had become more jagged and had three blood-red stones a third of the way up the blade's length.

Rikku, on a whim, didn't use the Berserker sphere but instead activated her Alchemist power, gaining colorful leather armor which covered most of her body, held together by straps, blue and orange strips of metal to protect her shoulders, a pair of goggles, and a large and interesting-looking gun of some sort with a couple of large stocks and a large cylinder mounted on the top feeding into the muzzle. "Yunie, give me the restorative items! Then you and the others can focus on attacking, and I can mix something up in case of emergencies!"

Yuna nodded. "Good idea!" She and Paine quickly tossed their items over to Rikku and then started attacking Yiazmat once more as the alchemist retreated to a relatively safe distance. "Okay…Flare!" A tremendous ball of fire formed in the fire and shot down a tremendous bolt of flame, blasting Yiazmat with incredible heat and force, melting the ground and causing some of it to fuse into glass, actually causing Yiazmat to yelp in pain rather than grunt. A couple of its scales blackened slightly. "Yes!"

The great dragon, irritated by her tarnishing of its hide, responded by exhaling its white fire, which Yuna countered with flames of her own. "Firaga!" A great fireball shot out and collided with Yiazmat's white breath, exploding on impact and forcing the dragon to take a step back.

"Let's attack together," Paine said, joining Tidus and Auron as they continued slashing at the beast's ankles and jumping to attack its sides, dodging its limbs, head, and tail whenever they lashed out at them.

"Good idea," said Auron. "I see an opportunity right now." He was right; the tail was swinging right towards them to deal a crushing blow.

"Jump!" Tidus said unnecessarily. They all jumped (well, Paine floated), landed on Yiazmat's tail as it passed under them, and quickly ran up the thing's great length, dragging their swords along the tail to leave deepening scratches up its side and make a horrible grating noise and lots of sparks. They made it to the dragon's back and kept running, dragging their swords across the beast's sides and slashing at its legs and wings before finally reaching the neck, leaping up, and coming down in a powerful triple drive which would have cut off the head of any lesser beast.  
Of course, Yiazmat was no lesser beast. Its armor easily repelled the strike and sent them all rebounding to the ground, where it was simplicity itself for Yiazmat to swipe at Auron and hurl him across the room. "Auron!" Tidus cried.

"Here-" Rikku said, getting out a restorative item.

"No, no, I'm fine," Auron insisted, getting back to his feet. "Being dead has its advantages."

"How dare you attack Mister Auron like that!" Yuna said angrily. "Flare!" Another great firebolt struck the dragon, blackening more scales and causing it to growl angrily. It opened its mouth, white flames building inside there…

Only to explode when Wakka hurled his blitzball right down the thing's throat, causing the breath to ignite inside the beast's body and cause it to stagger back and howl in true pain, coughing up some blood from the damage. "Yeah, all right!" Wakka cheered as his ball, somewhat scorched, returned to him. "I'm good for something after all!"

"Nice job, brudda!" Chappu cheered.

"MARRY ME!" Selphie screamed.

"Hey, kids, can you help me with a little something?" Rikku asked, floating over to them.

"Sure, what?" Chappu said.

"As an alchemist, I can mix tons of seemingly inconsequential items and use them to make something powerful," Rikku said. "But at the moment, I'm low on anything but munny and healing items. If we're gonna take down this dragon, I'll need more powerful junk. So…can you give me a hand and empty all your pockets, please?"

"Cometra!" Yuna called, summoning down a number of comets from…somewhere…which impacted against Yiazmat, exploding and dealing more real damage, though not quite as painful as the internal blast from Wakka's attack.

Paine helped by casting a meteoric spell of her own, gathering power in a dark purple aura about her. "Black Sky!" she called, raising her sword into the air. The room darkened, and then several dark purple meteors (smaller than Yuna's, but still potent) rained down, bursting against the dragon in black and purple ooze and cracking a few scales, causing it to roar in surprise and a little pain. Understandably displeased by this, the dragon reared back on its hind legs and began flapping its wings hard, breathing out as the winds it generated pushed the heroes back and began forming a cyclone before it.

"I'll handle this," Auron said, stepping forward. He began spinning his sword out before him, faster and faster, until it began generating a wind of its own, swiftly creating a new cyclone which absorbed the one the great dragon was forming, grew immensely larger, and finally caught the dragon in its spiral. Yiazmat bellowed in surprise as the winds of the tornado lifted it higher and higher into the air, unable to control its flight. Auron pulled off his hip flask, drank from it, and hurled it into the cyclone. "Everyone, attack now!"

"Oh, but I'm not ready yet!" Rikku complained as she tried unsuccessfully to convince Selphie to part with the junk in her pockets. Nevertheless, everyone else with ranged attacks blasted the dragon while it was suspended in the cyclone. Yuna fired her most powerful offensive spell, Ultima, Paine unleashed another burst of Black Sky, and Wakka hurled his Blitzball into the heart of the tornado. All of the powerful attacks connected with the dragon at the same time, the force of the collision causing Auron's hip flask itself to explode, catching Yiazmat in a terrible two-pronged blast of energy which caused it to roar in agony that shook the room. The cyclone, blown apart by the force of the explosions, dropped Yiazmat to the ground, shaking the room on impact and causing the dragon to sag for a moment, panting for breath and looking slightly worse for wear.

"All right!" cheered Wakka. "I think we can actually win this!" Then Yiazmat breathed fire at him, and he barely managed to get out of the way. "Wauuuugh!"

"Careful! My protective spells don't work very well while I'm wearing this!" Yuna warned him.

"Right…sorry…" Wakka muttered, getting back up.

"Okay, almost done!" Rikku complained, having stolen (Hey, she's a thief) the icky stuff out of Selphie's pockets and stuffed it into the cylindrical mixing chamber of her gun. The crazy girl was understandably enraged and trying to strangle Rikku to death, with only Chappu holding her back. The gun whirred as Rikku shook it, its alchemical engines processing the ingredients she had fed into it and combining them into a much powerful weapon. "And a one, and a two, and a-" The gun dinged. "Oh yeah!" She raised the gun, gripping its stock and sighting along the top towards Yiazmat, who was getting back to its feet. "Aaaaand…FIRE!"

"NOOOOO! MY PRECIOUSSSSS!" Selphie screamed as Rikku's gun flashed and launched a tremendous projectile at Yiazmat. The dragon shook its head to get rid of the rest of the ringing in its head caused by the explosions and roared in surprise as the projectile collided with it and exploded with tremendous force, not only shaking the room but also covering the mighty dragon in an incredibly viscous and disgustingly slimy goo formed from the beeswax, moldy chocolate, lint, and bug larva from Selphie's pockets, restricting the dragon's movements significantly and weighing it down. Roaring in disgust, Yiazmat attempted to step forward, but its feet were sticking to the ground. It tried to open its mouth to attack, but its jaws were gummed up by Rikku's Goo Bomb. It was pretty much completely immobilized for the time being.

"Nice going, Rikku!" Yuna complimented.

"Not bad," Paine acknowledged.

"Booyeah! Gotta remember that formula for next time!" Rikku cheered, waving her gun in the air.

"All my stuff…" Selphie sobbed. "I didn't even get to eat it yet…" Chappu stared at her, disturbed.

"Okay, let's hit it while it's down!" Yuna decreed, charging up magic for a really powerful spell. Paine, drawing on dark power, did the same.

"Tidus, follow my lead," Auron said, charging towards the beast.

"Right!" The blond followed him.

"Eh, I'll sit this one out," Wakka said. "Don't want to lose my ball in all that, ya?"

"Hey, speaking of which—Auron, hold on a sec!—do you think you could lend us that ball for a second?" Tidus asked.

"What?! No way, mon! Don't you remember what I said earlier?!" Wakka said indignantly.

Tidus rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. Hey, Chappu, how'd you like to help us out here?"

"Uh, sure, I guess…" Chappu said uncertainly.

"Great, there's this move I've been working on for a while now, but I need a Blitzball to pull it off. When the time comes, can you toss me your ball so I can do it?" Tidus asked.

"Um, I guess. Will I get it back in one piece?" Chappu asked doubtfully.

"Sure," said Tidus, who actually had no idea.

"Well…all right, then."

"Thanks!"

"Tidus…" Wakka growled. "You'd better not lose my brudda's ball, got it?"

"Relax, it'll be fine!" Tidus assured his friend. "Okay, now let's go Auron!"

"Very well." Once again, they began charging the still immobilized and struggling Yiazmat. Both of them began unleashing sword slashes, Tidus running back and forth to strike the dragon all across the length of its body, while Auron spun his blade and released a series of circular shockwaves through the air which cut into the beast's sticky hide. Tidus then leaped forward and gave the dragon a beatdown with a flurry of sword swings, then backed away as Auron, who had briefly charged up his sword, leaped up and plunged his sword into the ground, releasing a flame blast which charred the dragon's chest. Tidus crouched down, then lunged forward when the energy from Auron's latest attack dissipated, spinning his blade around and dealing more damage. Then he and Auron took stances side by side. "Together!" Auron cried, clashing his hilt with that of Tidus' sword. Getting the idea, Tidus followed the dead man's lead as they twirled their swords together, creating a tornado of sword strikes which slashed at Yiazmat's body, actually scratching its head and drawing some blood. The tornado then went a step further and actually pushed Yiazmat over, wrenching its stuck feet from the ground and causing it to fall on its side, which caused it to get stuck there instead. Yiazmat bellowed through its gummed-up jaws and struggled furiously to break free, with no success.

"Okay," Tidus said, backing away and planting his sword into the ground. "Time to test this out!" He took a few steps back, and then ran at his sword, leaped, and kicked off the hilt, soaring into the air. "Chappu, now!"

"Uh, okay." Wakka's brother hurled his Blitzball at Tidus. Tidus flipped over in mid-air as the ball soared towards him, time seeming to slow to a crawl as the ball spun closer and closer. Out of the corner of his eye, in slo-mo, Tidus could see that Yuna was watching him in wonder even as she continued charging his spell. And he grinned, for that was all he wanted.

Time sped up to its regular pace just as Tidus' leg jerked forward and kicked the Blitzball down at the immobilized Yiazmat, triggering an explosion on impact which caused the beast to shake and roar in agony. "Yeah!"

"Whoa!" said an incredulous Wakka.

"I had no idea my Blitzball could do _that!_" said a stunned Chappu, his charred (but intact) ball flying back towards him and hitting the wailing Selphie in the head, knocking her out.

"Not bad," Auron complimented as Tidus landed (not on his head, thankfully).

"That was incredible!" said an impressed Yuna. "How did you make it explode like that?"

"Ah, that's a secret," Tidus said with a grin. He actually had no idea how he had done it himself. He had never expected the ball to actually explode, just hit really hard. The result was much cooler than he had ever expected, though.

"Yuna!" Paine called, very dangerous-looking purple and black energy crackling around her armor and sword.

"Right," agreed Yuna, who was herself glowing pretty awesomely too. "Let's do this! Ultimaga!" A tremendously powerful energy spell fired at Yiazmat.

"Charon!" Paine gasped and collapsed as all the darkness around her rushed out in a volatile, roiling mass flying alongside Yuna's Ultimaga spell. Tidus blinked, for it almost looked as if the fairy were dead. The two intensely powerful magic spells collided with Yiazmat, exploding with incredible force and causing the entire chamber to rock. Dust and chunks of stone fell from the ceiling, and both the ceiling and floor cracked a little. The dragon shrieked in torment and vanished behind a huge cloud of smoke and fire.

"We did it!" Wakka cried ecstatically.

"You guys rock!" Chappu said.

"Yeah, nice going Yuna, Paine…" Tidus blinked, noticing that Paine wasn't moving. "Paine?"

"Ugh, why you always gotta be all emo and suicidal?" Rikku grunted, tossing what looked like a blazing feather at Paine, which burst in a glowing shower of magic that sprinkled down on the fairy. The dark knight got up at once, though she looked rather tired and needed to lean on her sword. Rikku tossed her a Megalixir then handed a Mega-Ether to Yuna, who gladly consumed it, having used a lot of her magic in that last spell.

"That was a rather dangerous maneuver," Auron lectured Paine sternly. "Do you have a death wish or something?"

Paine cracked a weary grin. "That's funny…coming from a dead man…" Tidus blinked, not understanding what they were talking about. He glanced at Yuna, but she looked rather uncomfortable, and Tidus wasn't so sure he should press this topic.

"That had to be one of the coolest things I've ever-" Wakka started, running over. He was cut off when, from the dust cloud, a blast of grayish-black fire breath roared out and engulfed him.

"WAKKA!" Tidus screamed as they looked at the flames in horror.

"BRUDDA!" Chappu screamed, horrified.

The flames dissipated, revealing Wakka…frozen in place, a look of surprise on his face, his entire body turned to stone. "No…" Tidus whispered, dropping his sword. Auron clenched his fist and hung his head, shaking it sadly.

Yiazmat roared and stomped out of the fading cloud from the explosion, its armor pitted, burnt, broken and smoking in a few places…but still very much alive. And very, _very_ angry. "It's still alive?!" Rikku cried in disbelief.

"Some things just won't die," Auron said, raising his sword.

"Got that right," grunted Paine, floating back into the air, looking a bit stronger thanks to Rikku's items.

"Wakka…no…" Tidus whispered, falling to his knees before the statue.

"Bro! Say it ain't so!" Chappu sobbed, hugging the statue.

"Stona!" And suddenly, it wasn't.

"Huh? What happened?" said a confused Wakka as stone suddenly turned back to flesh.

"Wakka! You're all right!" Tidus said in relief, jumping back to his feet.

"Bro!" Chappu cheered ecstatically, hugging the very perplexed Wakka even tighter. Auron sighed, looking relieved.

"Uh…did I miss something?" asked the confused blitz player.

"This has gone on for long enough," Yuna said coldly, having reverted to her usual dress to utilize her healing spells. Tidus was startled, because the fairy looked angrier than he had ever seen her before. "No more playing around. That was too close…we can't risk that happening again, maybe even worse next time, to any of us."

Paine nodded firmly, changing back to her regular clothes as well. "Then there's only one course left to take."

"You…you don't mean…" Rikku said anxiously.

"It's the only surefire way we have to destroy this thing," Paine said.

"Uh…what are you talking about? And why is Chappu hugging me?" asked a very confused Wakka.

"We have three special dresspheres," Rikku explained. "The most powerful weapons in our arsenal, which we use only for the most dire circumstances or greatest emergencies. We haven't used them so far in this tomb because they're so powerful that you guys might have been killed by their attacks along with our enemies. There are very few foes that can stand up to their firepower. But…" She bit her lip. "Using them draws upon all our magic and vitality, leaving us severely weakened when it's all over. Using all of them together can crush just about any enemy, but…afterwards we won't be good for much of anything. It won't kill us, but if it doesn't work…"

"Then nothing will stand between Yiazmat and us," Auron said. "And if you can't defeat it with your magic…then there's probably no way we can defeat it on our own."

"It's a very risky bet…but it's our only shot," Yuna said firmly. "Our very last chance. Girls? Are you with me?"

"Of course," Paine said with a nod.

Rikku sighed. "Okay…but I really don't think this is a good idea. It _hurts_, you know?"

"So does my Dark Knight sphere, but you don't see me complaining," Paine said.

"That's because your name is Paine," Rikku said. "And you dress like a Goth. You clearly have sadomasochistic tendencies." Paine bopped her with her sword. "Ow!"

"We'll get out of your way," Auron told the fairies. "So you won't have to worry about hurting us with your weapons' power."

"Thank you," Yuna said gratefully.

"Yuna…be careful, okay?" Tidus said anxiously.

She nodded, and smiled at him. "I will. Thank you, Tidus."

The humans quickly ran over to the far side of the room, away from the coming power struggle. Yuna took a deep breath. "Ready, girls?"

Rikku, looking anxious, nodded, as did Paine. "As ready as we'll ever be."

They turned to face Yiazmat, who was now looming over them. The dragon bellowed, showering them with bad breath and a little blood. Yuna glared coolly at it. "Y…"

"R…" Rikku said.

"P…" finished Paine.

"LET'S GO!" And with that, all three fairies began glowing, their forms vanishing in a burst of incredibly brilliant light and unbelievable magical power, causing Yiazmat to bellow in surprise and stagger backwards, its eyes blinded by the glare from the transformation.

The three boys had been forced to shield their eyes from the glare as well. Auron had no need to, and merely stared into the light, a strange smile on his face. The glare faded at last after a few moments, and the boys' jaws dropped in wonder. Some of them even got nosebleeds. "Whoa…"

"It _is_ rather impressive, isn't it?" Auron agreed.

Paine's petite fairy body was harnessed into the heart of a very large metal monstrosity, her clothes changed to leather bands across her chest, torso, and nether regions. Belts strapped her legs into hinged metal limbs much like an insect's (though with only one joint each) with bladed edges, tips, and spikes growing from the hips. Both her arms were stretched out and hooked into the main body of the mechanism, which was a chassis with an armored back and metal hubs stretching out to the sides, laden with blades. Curved blades stretched down the sides of the hubs' fronts, interlocking over the open front of the machine to form a shield protecting Paine. Arcing metal blades interspersed between spikes grew from the top, forming more protection for Paine's body, with much longer spikes growing from the underside of the hubs. Big bronze caps tipped the hubs with a metal band going vertically down its circumference with eight curved giant blade-feathers growing from either side. And if that weren't enough, there was also a ring of six swords like Paine's regular weapon floating over the device's top. "It's time to take you apart."

Rikku was also utilizing a giant machine, though hers wasn't quite as pointy as Paine's. The blonde fairy was now clad in a tight blue bodysuit with darker blue stripes and seated in an unshielded cockpit in the back of a two-limbed vaguely animalistic robot. It was made of bronze (or bronze-colored plate armor) with blue stripes on the edges. Its head grew down from a segmented neck below Rikku's cockpit, with yellow eyes and a blunt nose. Its shoulders were covered by huge curved plates of armor with spikes growing from them and blue stripes connecting each spike. The legs were thick and backwards-bent, plates of mail hanging down to protect the joints, with a couple of spikes on the back and ending in five-fingered (or toed?) feet. Or hands. Whatever. Cables hung down from the robot's underside, and there were a pair of large spiked dual missile launchers fixed to the mecha's back, just behind the cockpit. "Whoo! Go, Super-Mecha-Hyper-Ultra-Robo-Thingy!"

And Yuna…Yuna was magnificent. Her hair had turned white, as had her clothing, which had become an exquisite gown with a low décolletage and a strip of exposed area from between her (covered) breasts to about her belly button and some sort of enormous fluttering white cloak or cape of material growing from her back and spreading out in many directions, flowing over her arms and behind her and out to the sides and before her, the edges ruffled and rippling in the breeze her new outfit seemed to generate for her. A giant luminous oval-shaped gemstone was floating between her white-booted feet, generating light matched by the smaller gemstone hanging around her neck. Five giant ruffled purple flower petals with a single yellow stripe spun slowly behind her, joined at their bases and framing Yuna's white flowing cloak very nicely. Three more enormous gemstones, more blue than white and set in blue and red metal ovals, floated over Yuna's head and illuminated her. She looked…angelic, in Tidus' eyes. "Yuna…" he whispered in amazement at her radiance.

Yiazmat actually took a step back, growling as it sensed the power of the three fairies before it. It inhaled, then roared, releasing the dark gray petrifying breath it had used to turn Tidus into stone at the trio. "Oh no you don't!" Yuna said angrily. "Not again!" With a graceful gesture, reflective petals twirled down around all three fairies, deflecting the stone-inducing flames back at Yiazmat, only for the flames to be dissipated by the shields the dragon had regenerated around itself in the time while they had been discussing amongst themselves whether or not to use the powerful special dresspheres. Yuna saw no reason she couldn't do the same for her friends, and quickly cast a variety of shield spells to all but nullify any of Yiazmat's physical or magical attacks which could be used against them. Yiazmat found this out, to its own disgruntlement, when it roared and blasted them with its white flames, only for the fire to pass harmlessly over the trio. It growled in frustration at this.

"It's _our_ turn now, big guy," Rikku said, a wicked grin on her face. "Oh boy, is THIS going to be fun…"

The following onslaught (for there was nothing else it could possibly be called) was truly awe-inspiring, as the Gullwings let the fearsome dragon taste the full extent of their augmented powers. Poor Yiazmat didn't stand a chance. Every attempt it made to attack or defend itself, Yuna casually negated its efforts with a spell and then bombarded the beast with damaging flower bombs, pollen, seeds, nuts, honey, leaves, and petals, along with powerful energy blasts from her outfit's stigmas and extremely devastating elemental and non-elemental offensive spells formed by the great petals on her back whirling out in chain attacks against the dragon. Rikku's robot seemed to possess an infinite amount of ammunition, which it used against the mighty dragon in waves of multi-effect missiles, shells, shockwaves, laser blasts and Howitzer fire, all as Rikku cackled maniacally and kept activating bigger and badder weapons systems to satisfy her lust for destruction. Paine was keeping up a similar relentless assault with endless slashes from her many blades, some of which came with elemental properties, as well as violent strikes from her razor 'wings', the bladed 'feathers' doing uncountable damage to Yiazmat and tearing up the armored hide, already softened by Yuna's spells and Riku's constant fire, spilling blood and fluids from the beast with every cut and chop.

After what had to be five minutes of endless assault, the trio finally backed away as a bloody and horribly beaten Yiazmat collapsed…and yet, it rose again, heavily damaged, but clearly still not ready to call it quits. Bellowing, it tried to generate a cyclone, only for Yuna to dissipate it with wind of her own, Rikku to lambaste it with more artillery fire, and Paine to step in and slice one of its wings clean off. The dragon staggered back, howling in pain as blood spurted from its wing and many wounds…and still would not fall, breathing flames and casting a powerful instant-death spell which had no effect thanks to the numerous shields Yuna had cast around the group. "Poopy! Why won't it die already?!" Rikku pouted.

"We used up a lot of energy in that attack," said Yuna with a frown, regenerating that energy with one of her suit's special powers (and, paradoxically, draining just a little more away at the same time). "And it still hasn't fallen. It should be dead by now, but it isn't. If we keep going like this, we may gravely wound it…but we'll have run out of magic long before then, and won't be able to do anymore. Our attacks may be stronger than his, but his endurance is greater than that of any monster I've ever seen."

"Then we should finish this now rather than keep holding back and drawing it out any longer…combine our powers and use all our magic in one final, devastating assault. It's the only way," Paine said in reply to Yuna's doubtful frown. "Like you said, we can fight like we are as long as we want, but it _still_ won't kill this thing before our energy reserves are completely depleted and all our restorative items used up trying to keep those reserves from depleting. It will take everything we have left…but I'm pretty sure that no matter how strong this thing's endurance is, we'll still be able to crush it. Nothing we've faced yet has ever survived our full combined magical power and teamwork. It's what makes us the Gullwings, after all."

"And even if it still, somehow, survives," Rikku reasoned. "It'll probably be so weak that the others can finish it off while we recover."

Yuna still looked doubtful…but having no other solution, acquiesced. "All right," she said with a sigh. "Let's do this!"

The trio stood together in their super dresspheres, magical energy momentarily crackling over them as they prepared to combine their powers. Yuna gestured, and light washed out from her in a great circle, encompassing the whole room and causing everything to disappear…

And come back in a strange void full of shimmering auroras and colors. Tidus, Wakka and Chappu looked around in wonder as Auron raised an eyebrow, mildly impressed. A confused Yiazmat, still dripping blood, stood in the center of a triangle formed by the costumed fairies. The trio glowed with pure magic, and a huge golden sphere suddenly appeared around Yiazmat, compressing upon the dragon as chains of red, blue, and yellow energy circled the beast faster and faster. Four points of light flickered to life near the fairies, energy beams linking them to create a four-sided pyramid with the sphere entrapping Yiazmat in the center. At that moment, the sphere closed completely around the dragon, and both it and the pyramid flashed serenely, becoming shimmering lines of light. The three fairies ascended high above the pyramid as the humans (and dead guy) watched. The trio posed, and magical lights swirled up their forms before encasing each of them in a greenish-white bubble of energy. Paine reared back with one limb of her bladed suit, gathering power, and hurled a sphere of red magic up into the highest reaches of the radiant void. There was a pulse and flash of light, and then three beams of red, yellow, and blue energy shot down, arcing towards and colliding with each respective fairy's bubble. The fairies absorbed that energy, bubbles glowing brighter than ever, and then created a flowing chain of energy particles between their spheres, forming a triangle which grew in intensity and became a formless triangular mass of energy. That triangle collapsed then as they combined all their magic into a single white sphere of incredible power which pulsed and fired an energy beam down at the pyramid encasing Yiazmat. There was a flash as it connected, and then…

An incredible explosion, like the birth of a sun, erupted into being, rushing out in all directions to consume the subdimension. The three boys cried out and futilely shielded themselves with their arms. Auron's mouth quirked up in amusement as he held fast, the energy rushing towards them…

And then, with a flash of light they were back in the treasure chamber. Tidus blinked a few times, his eyes still dazzled by the light show he had just seen. And then… "YUNA!"

He saw the three fairies lying unconscious before them, their powerful battlesuits gone, looking drained of all energy and life. Tidus rushed over to Yuna and lifted her up, delicately cradling in her arms. "Yuna! Are you all right?!"

"Whoa! Paine!" said an alarmed Wakka, picking up the dark fairy.

"Um…girl I don't know…you all right?" an uncertain Chappu asked the unconscious Rikku.

"They're all right," said Auron. "Just completely drained from that attack they just pulled off. They'll be fine in time…though the recovery process might be helped if you used some of their remaining restorative items on them."

"Right! Chappu, Rikku should still have them. Hand me something!" Tidus insisted.

"Uh, right," said Chappu, feeling weird about searching the scantily-clad body of a pixie.

Before he could do anything that might get him slapped later, however, they heard a roar. A very familiar roar. They looked up, and there was Yiazmat. "No WAY!" yelled Wakka. "He's still alive?!"

"Impressive," said Auron, who was…well, impressed.

Yiazmat was indeed alive, though it looked like a real mess. Its other wing had been blown off, as had most of the scales on its body, exposing raw burnt skin and muscles. Its tail was barely hanging on to the body by a thin piece of flesh which looked like it would break at any moment. Its jaw was almost gone as well, hanging loosely open, blood and other fluids gushing freely from it and the many other wounds on its body. Its horns were broken as well, and its energy disks dissipated. Yiazmat was in very bad shape.

But it was still alive.

"No problem! We can take it now that it's weakened, right?" Tidus asked hopefully.

"I don't know…" Wakka said uneasily, carefully putting Paine down and grabbing his Blitzball.

"We have little choice. We must fight, or we will die. That is all there is to it," Auron said truthfully.

They prepared to attack the great dragon…when, to their astonishment, it began glowing. A pool of light formed under the wyrm's feet and spread outward until it encompassed the beast's body. The pool pulsed, and energy beams shot up, passing through Yiazmat and causing the beast to grow so brilliant they could not bear to look at it…and when the light faded, they could do nothing more than gape in horror at what stood before them.

Yiazmat stood there, tall and mighty, its white and gray scales and armor gleaming in the light generated by the energy disks on its tail, wings, and horn. The dragon bellowed proudly, _every single bit of damage the heroes had done to it _completely_ healed._

"Wh…what?!" Chappu squeaked, his voice choked with fright.

"No…" Auron whispered, horrified. "It tricked us…played us for fools! It could heal itself all along, but allowed itself to take all that damage so that we'd expend all our energy trying to slay it…so that when it did regenerate, we would be in no condition to fight back. Even if we tried to keep up with it by using all the skills and items in our possession, we can never outlast a creature capable of such feats as this."

"That…that's not fair! That cheater!" Tidus screamed in disbelief. "He's not supposed to heal himself!"

"Well, I dunno…if we can using items and magic, why can't he?" Wakka asked uncertainly.

"Because he's the bad guy, duh!" Tidus said desperately, dearly wishing this was just a hallucination and wasn't really happening.

"We're doomed, aren't we?" Chappu whimpered.

"…Most probably," Auron said, a pained look on his face. "Tidus…I'm sorry. I never wanted it to come to this. I've let you and your father down."

"I…Auron…" Tidus anxiously looked at his favorite uncle. "You did the best you could. We all did, just like the Gullwings. It just…it just wasn't enough, I guess. I don't think even Sora could defeat this monster."

"Yeah…" Wakka said, filled with despair. "There's a reason they call it 'Yiazmat the Undying', ya?"

"Then…this is really it…" Chappu whispered. "This is…the end…"

Yiazmat's bellow of victory seemed to agree with that statement. The four tensed as the dragon inhaled, preparing for the final blow…

…

TO BE CONTINUED….?

…

Yes, I know I said this chapter would conclude the cliffhanger. Well, it did. Now we have another one. I swear, I had no idea this chapter would be so long…next one's the last bit of the bachelor party, promise. Then we can FINALLY get on to the wedding. See you then!


	6. Last Night of Freedom pt 3

All right everyone. Here, at long last, is the conclusion to the bacherlor/bachelorette party chapter. FINALLY. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: All original characters or concepts owned by me. The rest belong to Square Enix, Disney, Sabin, Warner Brothers, or HP Lovecraft. And maybe some other people I forgot, I dunno.

…

Yiazmat roared at the helpless mortals (and dead guy). Wakka, Tidus, and Auron readied themselves, preparing for one last attack, no matter how useful it was…

When there was suddenly the sound of shattering stone and a cry of triumph from the LeBlanc Syndicate, whom they had forgotten about in all the fighting. Yiazmat whirled around, remembering the thieves who had awakened it in the first place. "Wahahahaha!" LeBlanc cheered gleefully. "We did it!"

"Yeah, we showed that door whose boss! You, boss!" Ormi said, indicating the pile of rubble that had once been the slab blocking the exit.

"We'd best leave, now," Logos said anxiously. "I believe the dragon's just remembered we're here, and we have its treasure."

Indeed it had. Yiazmat roared in fury and began charging towards the three thieving fairies. They yelped and quickly darted through the opened doorway and into the passageway beyond. Yiazmat slammed into the opening, clawing at it in rage and trying to fit its arms or head through. But predictably, the door was far too small for the mighty dragon to squeeze into. It attacked the doorway in fury, but could do little more than crack the stone around it. Taking a deep breath, it breathed fire into the passageway. The fairies screamed as the fire rushed towards them, but Ormi whipped out his shield and cast the magic spell Not-So-Mighty-Guard, strengthening their defense and allowing the shield to deflect the flames as they continued down the passage, soon far out of Yiazmat's reach, and taking the treasure with them.

Seeing that its prey and the treasure it had been tasked with keeping were gone, Yiazmat bellowed in fury, savagely attacked the doorway a few more times with no avail, and then looked up at the ceiling. It growled, spread its wings, and began gathering energy. With a mighty roar, the dragon leaped off the ground and rose towards the ceiling, blasting at it with its fire breath as it approached to weaken it and slamming its claws into the damaged space once it got there, getting a grip before slamming its head into that spot and smashing a hole through the ceiling thanks to its impressive horn. Yiazmat pulled itself up through that hole and up to the far-too-small floor above it, smashing and digging its way through the ancient ruins towards the thieves bearing its prize. It would not let them escape. Even if it had to leave the tomb and destroy Ohalland's resting place and everything else in its path, it would find them and it would kill them.

Back in the empty treasure chamber, the group anxiously looked up at the hole Yiazmat had vanished through. "That can't be good," Tidus said uneasily.

"Yiazmat clearly will go to every extent possible to catch the LeBlanc Syndicate, since they have the treasure it's been charged with protecting," Auron deduced. "If it chases them outside, it could cause untold destruction to the island in its blind rush to reclaim the treasure."

"The whole town could be destroyed, ya!" cried an alarmed Wakka. "We have to do something!"

"Auron, if we caught the LeBlanc gang first and gave Yiazmat the treasure back, do you think it'll stop and go back to the tomb?" Tidus asked anxiously.

"It might," Auron said. "Since it would have no other reason to remain outside its lair, though we may have trouble convincing it not to kill the thieves who caused all this trouble."

"Then that's what we've gotta do, isn't it?" the blond said determinedly. "And as for keeping it from killing LeBlanc's gang…well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Yeah…" agreed Chappu. "If not…everything we care about might be destroyed." They quickly picked up the unconscious fairies and, reluctantly, Selphie, and chased down the opened corridor after LeBlanc and her goons. They could hear Yiazmat's rampage above them, and feel it too as the corridor shook and dust and pebbles fell from the ceiling. At this rate, the dragon would bring the whole tomb down on them before they could even get out! It was only a small consolation that it would probably kill the thieves, too…

They could only hope that they could catch the fairies before then, or, barring that, catch up to them outside before Yiazmat did too much damage. Otherwise, it could be all over for the Destiny Islands. And unlike the last time, it was unlikely that some miracle would occur to restore everything back to normal should they fail.

…

The responses to King Mickey's plain request were varied.

"Atlantica has only just managed to reconcile itself to contact with the surface-dwellers of our world, I shudder to think how they'll take contact with _other_ worlds, all of which are full of surface-dwellers," King Triton said firmly. "While the Heartless were dangerous in the brief time they threatened us two years ago, we still managed to hold our own until the Keybearer arrived…just as we were able to hold our own against all other threats to the kingdom, before then or since. The ocean is a dangerous place. I do not know what aid we of the deep can offer, or for that matter, what you could possibly give to us that we may require."

"I see no reason to oppose this alliance," the Emperor of China said, his stance completely the opposite of Triton's. "We mustered our mightiest army to oppose Shan Yu when he invaded with his Heartless and Huns, and our country would have fallen before them had it not been for the actions of a brave few." He surreptitiously glanced at Ping, who straightened, and Sora as he said this. "Our army is not as great as it once was." Shang looked pained to hear that, even though he knew it to be the truth. "China has had a long history of indifference to the affairs of most other countries, let alone worlds…but I clearly see the necessity of changing that policy in the light of such an immense threat as the one that faces us now. Any training, technology, or expertise which may help defend us from invaders would be most welcome…and I believe we may yet have certain things of interest that even other, far more advanced worlds may find most useful," he said enigmatically. "After all, China is a very old land, with very old secrets…and mysteries…"

"Agrabah is always willing to make new alliances with other countries, our primary source of economy comes from trade after all," said the Sultan, clearly feeling the same as the Emperor. "I can scarcely imagine what wonders we can gain from trade with other worlds…and we have faced many trials in the past, and persevered over them, but…we cannot always rely on young Aladdin or my guards to save the kingdom. Too many times it has come very, very close to complete ruin, and I do not think that even the powerful magic of our genie or the quick wits of our kingdom's greatest heroes can stave off disaster forever." Both Aladdin and Razoul looked ashamed to hear this, though they knew it was the truth. "Any advances Agrabah can gain from this alliance which could go towards protecting our people are most welcome."

"Heck no, we don't need any alliance," Zeus boasted, ignoring Hercules' protests. "We on Olympus are gods! Your silly little wars and conflicts are nothing but a source of amusement to us, and we certainly have no reason to involve ourselves in a new war if we're not the ones running the opposing sides. So, unless you all abandon your weak gods and start worshipping me and accepting my divine right to rule you all, I'm taking no part in this alliance of yours."

"Father!" protested Hercules. "I don't think that-"

"Hush up boy, Daddy and the other adults are talking," Zeus snapped.

_God, he's such an asshole,_ Roxas observed, and Sora agreed.

"Dude, you're way too full of yourself," Kuzco complained. "I'm a god, but even I, reluctantly, must admit I can't do everything. But I don't really know much about these Heartless guys, since they never showed up on my world…this setup they've got here is pretty impressive, but…I'm not convinced whether or not we Incans should _really_ be worried enough about them just yet."

"I'm afraid that, as important as this is, I simply must say no," Santa said. "Christmastown is dedicated to making toys and laughter for children of all ages, not weapons of war. And that's most certainly what you'd want us to make in our factories if we were to join this alliance!"

"But you already make weapons of war," said a confused Jack Skellington.

"What? No I don't!" Santa protested.

"Sure you do, there's all those toy guns, and action figures, and play swords, and lasers, and game boards with easily chokeable pieces, and any number of other things that can easily harm or be used to harm children. Aren't those weapons?" asked the puzzled skeleton.

"…Shut up, Jack."

"Oh, you make toys?" the Sultan said, clapping his hands gleefully. He was an avid toy enthusiast and collector for a man of his age. "Excellent! What could I do to purchase some of them?"

"Hey yeah, I wouldn't mind getting some too!" said Kuzco. "Toys are neat!"

"Ah…" Santa blinked. "Sorry, but…I typically only deliver toys to children. And ones that believe in and celebrate Christmas, which, well, neither of your worlds do."

"That doesn't seem very fair," the Sultan complained.

"Yeah, I want toys too!" Kuzco said. "When I get home, I'm going to make Christmas a legal holiday, so all the kids can get toys! And me too."

"Ah…it's not that simple…" Santa protested uneasily.

"It does seem rather unfair that you should restrict yourself only to children who believe in Christmas," the Emperor agreed. "By doing so, you deny joy to children who believe differently than you. Most intolerant."

"Yes, that kind of discrimination would be very unwelcome in any of my workplaces," Scrooge agreed. "It would be just like beating someone up because they happen to be of a different ethnicity or religion than you, or denying them benefits for the same reason! You're lucky there isn't a children's holiday union out there, or they'd come down on you like a ton of bricks for this blatant discrimination against kids who don't celebrate Christmas! As it is, I'm surprised more parents haven't brought a class action suit against you!"

"H-hey, it's not like that!" Santa protested, seeing the disgusted looks he was getting from some of the others. "I'm not biased against kids who don't celebrate Christmas, it's just the rules! Jack, back me up here, you don't scare kids who don't celebrate Halloween, right?"

"Ah, actually Sandy, our town constitution was changed long ago so that we could scare children who celebrate holidays _similar_ to Halloween rather than just exclusively, such as the Day of the Dead, All Ghoul's Eve, or the Festival of Hungry Ghosts, to expand our fright venues and get our message out to more worlds," Jack confessed. "I've always found myself puzzled why you haven't done the same yourself, there are plenty of other gift-giving winter holidays you could probably horn in on to spread more cheer and presents throughout the worlds."

Waternoose was nodding in agreement. "If we restricted our scarers only to children of a particular age, locale, or belief system, much like you seem to be doing with your organization, Monstropolis would have shut down permanently years ago! Discrimination is bad for business!"

"I told you, I'm not discriminating! I'm just following the rules!" Santa protested.

"For shame, Sandy," Jack said sadly. "Don't you know the rules can be changed? I thought you were above this." Santa groaned and put his face in his hands.

_Santa discriminated against us Nobodies, too,_ Roxas complained. _All he ever gave us was coal. Of course, a case could be made saying we deserved it since we rarely did any good deeds, but still! That's practically racism, right?_

"Oh, leave him alone, discrimination's not all bad," King Richard scoffed. "Why, our religion and government are built on it! We wouldn't have won the Crusades if all those filthy Jews and Muslims we massacred hadn't been soulless heathens bound for Hell, the whole lot of them! How else do you think Britain became so powerful?" Robin Hood blinked, startled by this extremely racist slur. King Mickey frowned.

"Not my Britain," King Arthur growled under his breath.

"Yep, discrimination's definitely a good thing," Zeus said in agreement with Richard. "It allows us gods to lord over all you worthless mortals and kill people who don't worship and sacrifice to us like they should be doing! Why bother with a stupid holiday like Christmas when you can have rampant and debaucherous orgies and parties in our honor?" Oberon nodded in agreement.

"Well, Halloweentown has no problem with this alliance," the Mayor said quickly to change the subject, his 'happy' face on. "Access to other worlds means access to more children to scare, which can do nothing but help our economy! And besides, we wouldn't mind help in keeping the Heartless out…they've caused a lot of trouble around town for a while now!"

"I…lions don't make alliances with other prides or kingdoms," Simba said with a huff. "I don't even know what I'm doing here. My kingdom is the Pride Lands, not…not cities and worlds and all these other two-legger things I know nothing about! An alliance with other worlds will just make it easier for two-leggers to come to the Pride Lands and hunt my pride and the other species under my protection! Or maybe dig up my land for all the wasteful resources two-leggers find valuable and destroy our environment in the process, I've heard stories about it happening to plenty of other prides far away from mine!"

"But Simba, wasn't your world already destroyed once by the Heartless?" Sora pointed out. "I would think you'd understand we need to join forces to keep something like that from happening again."

"Yes, it was destroyed once," Simba admitted. "But it's _still_ being threatened by Heartless, as well as Zira's group of rogue lions and the hyenas they've joined forces with, not to mention the greedy two-leggers, and I just don't know if allying with MORE two-leggers will actually help or just make things worse," Simba said bitterly. "I just…I just don't know. I don't belong here."

"My world was destroyed by the Heartless too…and I was only barely able to escape," Adam said, continuing from Simba's place, shaking his head sadly. "I would do anything to keep that from happening again…to protect my kingdom and the people I care about most. Now that the curse over us has at last been broken, I won't allow anything to threaten the peace we've wrought. So…yes, yes I will join this alliance."

"No," Leon said coldly. Both King Mickey and Sora were startled by this. Leon's world had been destroyed by the Heartless too, had in fact been the source from which they had spread throughout the galaxy, and he and his friends had been involved in some of the most crucial battles against the forces of evil since then. What's more, he had been exposed to other worlds for ages now, including many refugees like himself who had fled from destroyed worlds. They had both thought it would be a given that he'd see the need of an alliance, to prevent what happened to Radiant Garden and all the other worlds that were home to people who fled to Traverse Town from ever happening again. So for him to say no was quite shocking, and all but devastated everything they thought they knew about him.

_What the hell crawled up his ass and died?_ Roxas wondered.

Wondering the same thing, Sora exchanged confused glances with Mickey, Donald and Goofy, but before he could interrogate Leon, Scrooge, who also looked somewhat startled, by Leon's refusal, spoke up. "You know you can count on me and my assets, your Majesty," he said with a small nod of the head, still glancing in confusion at Leon out of the corner of his eye. "Some might be surprised that I'm so willing to dedicate my fortune to this enterprise, considering how much of a munny-grubber most people perceive me as…but I am nothing if not loyal to me country. And besides, it helps that war is a profitable business, eh?"

"Indeed," murmured Shere Khan from the background.

"Star Command is affiliated with the political parties of numerous worlds and systems, but answers to none," Commander Nebula reported. "If we are to ally with this new confederation you're proposing, King Mickey, you must be aware that we have a responsibility to our own code and our own sector of the galaxy…and even if we are allied with you, that does not mean we won't arrest anyone on your end who happens to be breaking the laws we hold dear. We are policemen at heart, after all. As such, the amount of effort we actually put into this war of yours must also be limited, because then the systems we protect will insist we commit our forces to helping them in their own squabbles. We are a peacekeeping force, and so are more interested in stopping wars peacefully by resolving the conflicts between all sides, not helping one side defeat the other, even if that other side happens to include our sworn enemy Zurg. And since I highly doubt either side in this conflict will be able to come to a peaceful resolution at any point in the near future, that limits what we can do to help you. Still, we are perfectly willing to train soldiers in this sector to become Space Rangers to help protect their home systems and others in the coming war…as long as you are aware that as Space Rangers their loyalty will be to the model of law Star Command holds dear, and will not be under the jurisdiction of the rulers of those systems. Which means that if they get an order they don't like from your end, there's nothing stopping them from not obeying it, especially if it goes against our own code. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly," Mickey said with a nod. "So we'll do our best not to allow such a conflict between your rules and ours to occur." A couple of the rulers who had been listening with interest to the part about Space Ranger training looked as if they disagreed with this, but said nothing.

"I am perfectly willing to join with this alliance," King Richard said heartily. "As long as it puts me back on the throne."

"We'll see what we can do," said Mickey calmly, although there was a hint of wariness in his eyes.

"You had better," the lion grunted, crossing his arms. Robin Hood grimaced slightly at this. Sora, remembering Richard's very racist comment, found himself wondering if Mickey, like himself, was wondering if Richard would be that much better of a ruler than his brother. Still, at least Richard wouldn't use Heartless…right? Then again, that alone didn't justify supporting him…

_Maybe King Mickey'll dump this guy if he decides he's not worth putting on the throne,_ Roxas suggested. _And turn his Britain into a democracy or annex of the Disney kingdom. Might not be a bad idea, since Robin Hood, Richard's staunchest supporter, doesn't look too certain he's backing the right ruler anymore…_

Alphamon tapped his fingers against his armor for a moment before speaking. "My world has had a long history of isolation and ignoring the affairs of worlds outside our digital domain. My predecessor, in fact, shared this same belief…and died for it when the Heartless invaded and we had no one to turn to for aid. We barely managed to fend them off and bring our world into this three-dimensional state you are all accustomed to. I am not like my forebears, and I recognize the necessity of strength in numbers and allies in arms. If you seek companions among the Digimon, then you shall have them." The knights standing beside Alphamon nodded in agreement.

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkwehkweh," Don Chocobo rasped. "Kweh, kwehkweh, kwehkwehkweh kwehkweh."

"The Don says he's uncertain about getting involved in this here alliance, kupo," Montblanc translated smoothly. "On the one hand, war is good for business, as Mr. McDuck and Mr. Khan have both pointed out. The Moogle Merchant's Guild can make a fortune synthesizing items and weapons of exceptional quality for the war effort, kupo. However, on the other hand, the Don isn't happy because in wars, Chocobos are often used as mounts for cavalry, and as such are often the first targets on the battlefield, since it's easier to kill the mount and bring the rider to the ground than to just knock the rider off, especially if you're infantry, kupo. The Don wants no part of this war if it means innocent Chocobos are going to be ridden to their deaths, kupo."

The Emperor of China nodded gravely. "There are many in my country who say the same about our horses, which are also often slain by infantry in battle."

"I don't know how often the battles we will be fighting in the future will require traditional cavalry or infantry forces," Mickey admitted. "Chocobos would be a great asset to our alliance, but I also would feel bad about throwing them into the field to be slaughtered as you've described. We have more modern vehicles which could take the place of mounts, if that pleases you, or can provide special armor for battle-Chocobos to make it harder for them to be killed by enemy units."

The Don seemed to think for a moment, and then started rasping again at great length. Montblanc translated, saying, "The Don says he'll think it over, kupo. If he decides not to contribute to the war effort, you can still count on us Moogles and the other races we're affiliated with to help out…but the aid we can offer you may be more limited as a result of the Don's choice, kupo."

"I'll leave it to the Don then, to make up his mind," Mickey said respectfully, and the fat chocobo nodded in gratitude.

_We should pop that bird in the oven,_ Roxas opined. _And eat him. Like I said, Chocobos make good eating. _Sora rolled his eyes but made no comment as the next delegate began speaking.

"As I mentioned before," said the spider-like Waternoose. "I was considering taking an offer Maleficent made to use the Heartless to bolster our sagging power supplies…but I don't quite trust those things. Perhaps I'd be better off taking some tips from these Halloweentown folk after all, which means I should probably join this alliance."

"You can't go wrong with our help," Jack Skellington assured the businessman. "And besides, the Heartless _are_ untrustworthy. I tried harnessing their scariness myself, and…well, things could have gone better."

"If you do join our alliance," the Emperor of China said gravely. "Then will you leave the children of our worlds alone?"

"What?!" Waternoose asked, startled. "But-but I can't do that! Like I said, we have a severe power shortage! We need all the screams we can get! If I leave a bunch of worlds, your worlds alone, my whole city could go under!"

"We'll hammer out all the details later," Mickey said quickly. "I can have my lawyers and your lawyers work out a treaty that puts limits on which worlds and how many children from each you are allowed to scare, in return for the other worlds in our alliance researching new power sources for your city to use. Of course, if you should happen to exceed your per-world quota…you would probably be cut loose, since we would no longer be able to trust you. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly," Waternoose said with a nod, although he did not look very happy with the restrictions being put on his company.

"Um, would this same treaty happen to apply to us?" the Mayor of Halloweentown said nervously, switching to his 'panic' face. "I mean, since we're in the scare business also…"

Quickly noticing that a number of other leaders looked perfectly willing to keep Jack's horrors away from their worlds, Mickey quickly said, "As I said, we'll hammer out all the details later. I'm aware not all of you may feel comfortable letting monsters onto your world to scare your people," Mickey said to the other rulers. "But a little fear now and then can sometimes be a good thing…and besides, they're not actually hurting anyone, just spreading a little terror."

_A little fear's not that bad,_ Roxas agreed. Sora wasn't quite as sure.

"Yep, that's my policy too!" Zeus agreed. "If you don't scare the damn mortals with threats of smiting, lightning, and damnation, they'll never do what you want them to do!" Oberon nodded in agreement, as did King Richard. Not all the other rulers, however, looked quite as comfortable.

"Did I cause no harm with my frightful face when I was a Beast?" Adam wondered for a moment.

"I wonder how many poor kids have to spend the rest of their lives in psychiatric care due to the nightmares these monsters give them," Commander Nebula murmured.

Jack looked confused, and Waternoose uncomfortable. "'Psychiatric care?'" puzzled the skeleton. "What's that?"

"Ah, like I said, details later," Mickey said quickly, trying very hard to change the subject. "Uh, let's see, Arthur, weren't you going to give us your answer next?"

"What?" said a confused Arthur. "No I…er, I mean, of course I was. Ahem." He regained his composure. "We'd be more than willing to join your alliance. Our world was nearly destroyed by the Heartless once, and it was only by combining the efforts of all humans and gargoyles that we defeated them. We might not be able to do so a second time. Any help you can offer would be most welcome."

"As long," Goliath said. "As those who claim to be our allies actually keep their word and come to our aid when it is needed…unlike some _other_ people I could name…" he growled, looking very clearly at Oberon, who was ignoring him.

_Whoa,_ said Roxas. _A lot of anger and bitterness there. I'm guessing something big happened between these guys._

"And now," said the Fae lord Goliath was glaring at. "I suppose that just leaves me."

"I suppose so," said Mickey. "So if I may ask once more, Lord Oberon, what is your decision? Are you in or are you out?"

"The Heartless are of no threat whatsoever to me or my kind. We really could care less that they have you mortals in such a tizzy," Oberon said with a sniff, causing Goliath to growl again. "However…" A thin, cruel smile formed on his blue face. "I have heard that you ally yourselves with a race that opposes us, 'Your Majesty'…a race that foolishly tore itself from our control long ago, and has avoided us ever since in an attempt to declare their silly 'independence'. However, I think that the time for their ridiculous claim to liberty has long since been worn out. King Mickey, if you wish for my kind to ally with yours, you need do one thing, and one thing only: deliver all of pixiekind to me, so they may return to their proper place and take the punishment they so rightfully deserve for leaving us."

There was a stunned silence as these words echoed through the air. The other rulers looked at Oberon, startled and some even disgusted by the audacity and nature of his request. Even Roxas was rendered momentarily speechless. Donald, Goofy, and Scrooge McDuck looked outraged. And King Mickey…

Sora was startled to see that the King looked angrier than he had ever seen the mouse before, even angrier than the time they had all thought Goofy was dead. And he had been pretty angry, then. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Mickey shouted, his face red as he slammed his fists on the table, abandoning the mask of civility he had been wearing up until this moment. "The fairy kingdom has been strong allies with Disney for decades, even before I was born! To betray them would not only go against all our principles and foreign policy, but also prove that we could never be trusted again, for if we were so willing to sell one kingdom for help from a powerful ally, then how safe could the others tied to us be? And FURTHERMORE, the Disney Kingdom HAS not, DOES not, and NEVER will, _EVER_ TRAFFICK IN SLAVERY!"

The other rulers looked stunned by the livid expression on Mickey's face. Even Donald and Goofy, the King's closest companions, looked surprised. Goliath, on the other hand, had an approving look on his stony features, and gave a brief nod to the royal mouse. _Dude,_ said an impressed Roxas.

Oberon was unmoved either way. "Slavery?" he scoffed. "It is for their own good. They have wandered astray from our control and exceeded their own boundaries. Only with our guidance can they keep from destroying themselves."

"Is that so?" Mickey said coldly. "It seems to me they've done PERFECTLY well for the last several thousand years without your help, and I daresay that they'll do even better in the future, as long as you keep your hands off them!"

"Of course, it would look that way to you, mortal," Oberon said dismissively. "What with your oh-so-limited perspective on reality. Only one who has existed as long as I can see the more subtle trends, and those trends tell me the fairy race desperately needs to be curtailed. They are interacting far more often with undeserving mortals than they should, exerting themselves thanklessly and to no reward to make others lives a little easier. What benefit can they possibly gain from such labor?"

"More benefit than they could ever get from being under your thumb," Mickey insisted. "And of course you wouldn't understand that kind of benefit…it's something that comes from caring about other people, something you can't comprehend since the only person you care about is yourself."

"Not true," Oberon insisted. "I care for my kind. I care for my wife. I care for—"

"What? Your half-grandson?!" Goliath suddenly said, Mickey's boldness loosening the words he had been holding back. "When the Heartless invaded our world, we begged you and your kind to help us!"

"Goliath-" Arthur started warningly.

The Gargoyle ignored him. "You promised us your aid! And then you asked us to give you young Alex Xanatos to keep safe on your mystical island! When his mother asked if not _all_ his family could come, for their own safety and to keep the child from missing his loved ones, you immediately turned down her request and departed. No help from the Third Race came to aid us in the coming battles. It was almost as if you had never existed. We had to deal with everything _ourselves_, and the cost in blood was far, _far_ too great!"

"The half-elf known as Fox overstepped her bounds," Oberon said coolly. "It was only as a favor to my wife that I even offered to take Alex Xanatos to the safety of our island to begin with. We already had more than enough mortals filling the air of our sacred isle with their disgusting stench, it was too much of her to ask that we allow even _more_ on!"

Eyes flashing, Goliath pounded his fists on the table, cracking it. "Two more, plus Alex! Two more mortals, maybe three! Would that _really_ have been too much, Oberon?! Would that _really_ have offended your delicate noses so greatly?!"

"Why, of course," Oberon said, looking astonished that Goliath should say such a thing. "You know how mortals procreate. If I had turned away for but a second, I'm certain I would have found even more mortals then there had been a moment ago when I looked again, running all over the island as if they owned the place and interfering in the business of their betters. Of course I had no choice but to refuse their request! Would you willingly let cockroaches into your home knowing that they would multiply exponentially and infest it with their filth and disease?"

"Tell it like it is, brother!" Zeus whooped, the only other immortal there (unless you counted the Halloweentown delegation), and thus unnoticing of how everyone else was glaring at him and Oberon resentfully and with growing anger. Even Hercules was appalled, his father adopted the same policy as Oberon when it came to mortals on Mount Olympus, which to him had always seemed rather embarrassing since it meant he couldn't take his girlfriend up to where his parents lived. He had never thought there might be something as bigoted as this behind it…

"We mortals aren't as disgusting as all that," King Richard snorted. "_Peasants_, most certainly, but not we who have been given the divine right to rule!" Robin Hood looked at the lion, startled, and even more uncertain than before. The dynastic rulers fidgeted, feeling uncomfortable from the angry vibes rising from most of the leaders who had inherited their role, been promoted, had struggled for it, or had earned it in other ways rather than just getting it handed to them.

"With attitudes like that, is it any wonder we don't want a King again?" Leon murmured very softly under his breath, though both Sora and Mickey clearly heard him. (Well, with the mouse's giant ears, how couldn't he?)

Goliath was, understandably, less than pleased to hear Oberon's sentiments. Even Arthur, who had been trying to hold Goliath back, looked significantly less willing to do so after hearing Oberon's comments. "And so, because of your oh-so-sensitive sensibilities, you left us to die. Millions of humans and gargoyles died because you would not help us, because a mother who loved her child only wanted her son to be happy and safe. Many of my friends from around the world, members of my own clan, my oldest friend and mentor…even the female who I once called mate…all dead." Now there was more bitterness than anger in Goliath's voice. "Even my daughter, who I am still just starting to understand, barely made it. There is no telling, even with our benefactor Xanatos' science and understanding of the arcane, if she will ever wake up again. All this, because a mother asked for the safety of not just her young child, but her beloved husband and aging father. She would willingly have stayed behind if those three could go to safety, but you refused to let even one of them step foot on your island after she made her unselfish request." Goliath pointed a talon at the elf lord. "Their blood is on your hands, Oberon. I will not forget, and neither will the rest of my clan. We will never forgive you."

"I don't particularly care," said a bored Oberon, causing Goliath to clench his fists and some of the other warriors to tense. "And in any event, you have interrupted my discussions with 'King' Mickey. What was that you were saying about returning the pixies to me, 'Your Majesty'?"

"You clearly weren't listening, because I quite plainly told you 'no'," Mickey said coldly. "No, I will not give you the fairies, now or ever. I can't say that your help wouldn't come in handy, but I refuse to pay your price, Oberon."

Oberon, for once, actually looked surprised at this. He was used to being despised by mortals, even challenged or threatened occasionally, that meant nothing to him, but outright defied… "You are…denying me what is rightfully mine?"

"The fairies are their own people, and belong to nobody but themselves," Mickey said. "They are the possession of no body or entity, least of all you. If you will not accept that, then I suggest you leave, because you are not wanted here."

_You tell him, Mickey!_ Said an approving Roxas. Most of the others there nodded, clearly sharing this sentiment. (Not that they heard Roxas, they were reacting to Mickey's statement.)

There was a long, long silence as Oberon absorbed this. He frowned, his aquiline features hardening. "You are aware," he said softly. "That I could reverse the nuclear bond holding all of your molecules together and causing you to explode in a horrible bloody mess for that insult? Or possibly remove all the electrons from your body, just to see what happens?"

"To do so, you'd have to break the Truce," said Arthur. "And in so doing, make yourself vulnerable as well. For you see, Oberon…" The king surreptitiously slipped a small iron bell out of his sleeve and showed it to the Fae lord. "We know your weakness."

Oberon stared at the bell for a long moment. Finally, he nodded and stood to his feet. "Very well," he huffed. "I see I am not wanted here. However, know this: you have made an enemy this day, and there will be consequences for your rejection." With that, he turned and walked away, cape swishing as he departed.

_Seeya,_ Roxas said sardonically. _Sora, let's whup his ass next time we see him, 'kay? I think one or two of our Keyblades might be able to hurt that guy…that bell was iron, and I think I read somewhere that elves were allergic to it. No, wait, I didn't read that, Axel proved it by switching various personal items of Organization XIII members with iron or steel versions that caused them to break out in sores and rashes. Hehe, that was fun._

"Good riddance," Commander Nebula snorted. Buzz Lightyear nodded at his superior's sentiments, and Goliath smiled fiercely.

"Indeed," agreed Triton.

"Quite the unpleasant fellow," added Sultan.

"And exceptionally rude," said the Emperor with a nod.

"I'm not sorry to see the back of him," agreed Leon coolly.

"Definitely not a good groove that guy's got…" murmured Kuzco.

"Even when I was a beast, I was never _that_ uncivil…or at least, not like that…" Adam said to himself.

"If indeed he does take vengeance, we must be wary," Alphamon warned.

"Ohhh! Do you think he well?" the Mayor asked anxiously, still wearing his 'panic' face as Santa marked Oberon on his 'Naughty' list.

"Don't worry," Arthur assured him, replacing the bell in his sleeve. "We'll be ready."

"I don't understand what just happened," Simba complained.

"Well done, you're Majesty!" Scrooge complimented Mickey, and Sora, Donald and Goofy offered similar sentiments.

"A shame," Zeus sighed. "I kind of liked the guy." They stared at him. "What?"

Mickey sighed and sat back down on his chair, calming down. "Well," he said. "Glad that's over. I apologize for my outburst, fellas, but that guy was really just rubbing me the wrong way…and touching a bit of a sore spot. I won't elaborate. However, before we continue, I want you all to know that what I said to Oberon applies to everyone else, too. The Disney Kingdom does _not_ traffick in slavery. If you have that kind of practice on your own worlds, fine, whatever, you're entitled to it, I won't interfere even if I'm not fond of it. However, if I find evidence that representatives from ANY of your worlds are abducting people under my protection or from each other as part of a slave trade, it will be punished with maximum force, alliance be damned. Do I make myself clear?" The monarchs nodded solemnly, one or two looking rather uneasily. Only Zeus refused, huffing and crossing his arms and grumbling to himself about stupid mice getting too big for their britches and thinking they could boss around gods.

"Star Command will help enforce such regulations," Commander Nebula informed the group. "As I said before, we're not _exactly_ taking sides in the conflict, but we are strongly opposed to injustice wherever it is found, and we'll deal with it, whether the people behind it are allegedly 'good guys' or not. Got it?"

"My people will help as well," said Alphamon.

"As will mine. Camelot stands for freedom," Arthur agreed. "While all living creatures are not necessarily born with equal talents, they all share the same right to liberty, regardless of their origins."

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkweh," said Don Chocobo.

"The Don says if by 'all living creatures' you're including Chocobos too, he's got no problem with it, kupo," Montblanc translated.

"Hmm, sounds like my workers' union…" Scrooge grumbled. Shere Khan and Waternoose, both businessmen, nodded in agreement.

"What's a union?" asked a puzzled Santa.

"Bah," said Zeus, thoroughly disagreeing with Arthur's sentiments.

"Yes, if what you were saying were the case, you'd also be saying peasants have every right to govern themselves just like we monarchs do, which we all know is simply preposterous," agreed Richard, getting another uneasy look from Robin Hood. Triton, Sultan, Kuzco, and the Emperor, all of whom enjoyed similar privileges of dynastic rule, fidgeted but said nothing, seeing that not everyone at the table agreed with Richard's rather blatant statement. (Not that _they_ agreed exactly either, but they _were_ rather used to thinking of themselves as being somewhat 'above' the rest of their populations due to their positions.)

"I have no idea what _any_ of you are talking about," Simba complained again in what was almost a whine.

"All right," King Mickey said. "Moving on…we've now expressed our opinions on the matter. Some of you agree that an alliance is necessary for our mutual survival. Others of you, on the other hand, seem to disagree for one reason or another. I want you to know that I completely respect your decisions in this matter…however, if it's not too much trouble, could each of you explain _why_ you believe you would be better off on your own? I am not by any means trying to coerce you into joining us, but if I could better understand whatever doubts you have about this venture perhaps it would be easier for me, or perhaps Sora-" Sora started as he heard this name. "To lay them to rest. That is, after all, what both of us are here for."

_Great, he's pushed us into position. Congratulations, Sora, you're a political pawn!_ Roxas said cheerfully.

Many of the leaders who had spoken against Mickey's alliance did not look happy to be put on the spot like this, and for a long while there was an uneasy silence permeating the table, as each monarch seemed to wait for someone else to speak, clearly not wanting to be the first to explain their motives. Finally, however, Kuzco, not always the most patient of men, spoke up. "Okay, um, I admit that this setup these evil dudes have here is pretty impressive and overwhelming and all…but, I'm still not certain these Heartless are as big a deal as you say they are. They never bothered us high in the mountains, so I don't know how dangerous they are. Yes, you say they've destroyed plenty of your worlds…but your worlds came _back_, didn't they?"

"Only with great difficulty," Mickey said, and Simba and Adam, both of whom had lost their worlds, nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, I had to defeat a giant embodiment of darkness and seal a HUGE door to make all the destroyed worlds return," Sora explained. "And in the process, I practically lost my best friend, got stranded somewhere in deep space, and didn't manage to get home for over a year. It's lucky my friends and I made it back at all. And even though our worlds came back, not everyone who vanished with them has returned. A great number of them were lost to the darkness, and I doubt we'll ever see them again…except as Heartless."

"Oh." Kuzco frowned. His guards looked uncomfortable. "So these Heartless are the kind of monsters that turn their victims into creatures like them. Must've missed that part of the briefing. Um. All right. And considering the numbers that're running around this place, they must be able to field very large forces. Just how strong are they? I mean, other than the world-destroying part."

"I sent my strongest army, of nearly twenty thousand troops, against them…" the Emperor said, shaking his head sadly.

"We were all but completely decimated. Only a few dozen survived," Ping said gruffly, trying not to look discomfited by the way Mushu was clawing at her sides and...chest.

"And on another occasion, evil forces managed to transform one of our sacred dragons into a powerful Heartless that broke through the palace's defenses and nearly killed the Emperor, were it not for the intercession of Ping, Sora, Donald and Goofy," Shang said. The four in question straightened up considerably at this.

"They're immune to most conventional weaponry and only exceptional tools or individuals can kill them easily," said Leon, who would know from his years of experience.

"I've never had much trouble with them," Hercules confessed. "Then again, I am a bit stronger than the average man…"

_A bit?_ Roxas thought. _Bit of an understatement._

"I once destroyed a thousand of them in one sitting…on two occasions, actually, counting that one tournament," Sora admitted. "But," he said, seeing Kuzco's too relieved expression. "That's because I happen to possess the Keyblade, the weapon that can damage them the most. And not many people can get one of them."

"Oh," Kuzco said, looking crestfallen. As did his guards.

"Bah, they're not so tough. One good lightning bolt would fry the whole lot of 'em," Zeus said disdainfully.

"Yes, but not everyone can hurl lightning bolts," grumbled Waternoose. "We haven't encountered them in our city before now, but they have been making it harder to collect screams…especially if there aren't any kids left to scare because their hearts have all been devoured. We've had to seal and destroy a few of our doors to keep the Heartless from coming through them to _our_ world, yet another reason why I was mistrustful of Maleficent's offer."

"They wreaked havoc in Halloweentown when we tried to control them, turned a mansion into a giant monster which might have wrecked the town, and almost turned poor Mr. Sandy Claws into one of them," Jack lamented.

"Yes, a rather harrowing experience," agreed Santa.

"They destroyed my entire world once, and when my evil uncle transformed into one of them he almost dragged the world back into darkness," Simba growled. "And he still managed to linger around after death for a while and transform into a giant monster which might have stomped the Pride Lands flat if Sora hadn't helped me stop it."

"They destroyed my whole world too, almost turned me into one of them, kidnapped my beloved, and caused no end of trouble even when my castle had been turned back to normal," Adam growled. "My servants, who were at the time cursed into talking appliances and furniture, could do little to them…and even now, I doubt there's much they could do."

"They seem capable of launching assaults on all fronts, even deep space, as the battleships we've seen flying around the airspace here should indicate," Commander Nebula said. "We lost an entire battalion of Space Rangers when the Heartless began intruding into our sector of the galaxy. Two hundred brave men and women, in several dozen powerful ships, all dead." He shook his head mournfully.

"If only I could have been there to help…" Buzz Lightyear lamented, guilt plain on his face.

"The Heartless eliminated my predecessor, the guardian of the Digital World, and several of my knights, along with a great number of innocent Digimon, many of them very powerful," Alphamon explained. "I have been able to replace my knights, but the damage done to the Digital World was very, very severe. It almost collapsed even though we managed to drive the invaders off."

"They've cost our organization billions of munny and devoured thousands of our employees and associates, kupo," Montblanc said sadly, shaking his head. Don Chocobo 'kwehed' unhappily.

"Aye, they definitely are bad for business," Scrooge agreed.

_They also are responsible for the creation of the Nobodies…though no one seems to be mentioning them…_ Roxas grumbled to himself.

"They ravaged cities, killed millions if not billions of people, and wiped out a great many members of gargoyle clans around the world," Goliath said. "I had to kill many of my dearest friends, or what remained of them after they had been transformed into unfeeling monsters. I tell myself that I have done them a service by liberating their hearts…but all I can think of is their cold yellow eyes, and their screams of anguish as I defeated them."

"Oh my," said an alarmed Kuzco. "That's not groovy at all." His guards, who were cowering behind his chair, nodded in agreement.

"So as you can see," said King Mickey. "The Heartless are a very big threat."

"Well, still," Kuzco said, trying to dredge up some resolve and retain some national pride…and not look like a scared child in front of his cowardly soldiers. "Our empire is high in the mountains, easily defensible and-"

"They can fly," said Sora.

Kuzco paled. "Can they?"

"Oh yes, there are quite a number of flying Heartless," Mickey agreed, as did everyone who had ever had any experience with Heartless.

"Ah," Kuzco said. "Well, in _that_ case…I can safely say my kingdom would be more than happy to join forces with you. Yes, so long as you can keep those terrible creatures away from our mountaintops, we'll do whatever we can to help stop them."

"Wuss," barked Zeus, causing Kuzco and his guards to jump. "What kinda god just goes back on his word like that, huh?!"

"One who wants very much to keep his kingdom…and his groove…intact," Kuzco said, trying to rearrange his headdress so it wouldn't fall off.

"Psht, some god, you're just another stinking mortal," Zeus sneered, causing everyone's opinion of him to drop lower by the moment and make Hercules more and more embarrassed and mortified.

"I take it to mean that you still won't join forces with us, then," Mickey deduced.

"Any chances of you converting?" Zeus said hopefully.

"No," everyone at the table said unanimously.

Zeus pouted. "Well in that case…I'll only do it if the kid has sex with me."

"Wh-what?!" Sora cried in alarm.

_Oh hell no, I don't want that guy's miniature thunderbolt anywhere near us!_ Roxas yelled in fright and indignation.

"Come on, you know you want it!" Zeus said. "No mortal can resist this!" Many gasped and shielded their eyes in revulsion as the god began thrusting his pelvis at Sora through his robes. Goofy turned green and threw up in Donald's hat, which the magician did not agree with and retaliated by lighting the knight's pants on fire, causing him to scream shrilly and dash around the table in circles, trailing smoke until he got the bright idea to jump into Triton's water tank and put himself out, fouling up the water and causing both the merman and the little red crab inside to grimace.

"NO!" Sora yelled vehemently.

"Well…" King Mickey said quietly, disgusted but also thoughtful. "It _would_ be for a good cause…"

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Donald, Goofy, Scrooge, and naturally Sora all yelled in horror. The other rulers looked at the mouse king as well, blinking in astonishment.

Mickey made a face. "You didn't let me finish. Ahem, it _would_ be for a good cause, but the same could be said of handing the fairy race over to Oberon to suffer slavery again. If I refused that, why should I not refuse this as well? I am a monarch, yes, but I am unwilling to sacrifice my principles just for a political edge. And that means NO slave trade and NO child prostitution shall ever come out of my kingdom. So, to repeat myself Zeus, no, Sora will not be sleeping with you under any circumstances, ESPECIALLY because he himself doesn't want to. As if there needed to be any other reason than that."

Sora sighed in relief. "Thank you, Your Majesty."

_You know, for a minute there, I really did think he was gonna sell us out…_ Roxas admitted, somewhat ashamed.

Zeus scowled and got out of his seat. "If that's the case, then we have no further business to discuss. Come on, boy."

"Uh, right Dad. Um, everyone, I'm really sorry for how my father-" Hercules started.

"Oh, shut up boy!" Zeus snapped, grabbing Hercules and dragging him away. "You're a demigod, you don't need to apologize for anything, least of all to disrespectful punks like them!" He turned and glared at the assembly one last time as the soldiers who had come with them quickly formed around the divine father and son. "Don't think this is over!" He snapped his fingers, and clouds began forming indoors around the ceiling of their terrace, swirling over Zeus' head. A great wind gusted from out of nowhere, messing up everyone's hair and blowing around the god as he raised his arms dramatically. His entire gigantic form leapt up, transforming into a bolt of lightning and vanishing into the gathering storm clouds with a great clap of thunder. Smaller lightning bolts shot down, striking each of the soldiers and Hercules, and they disappeared as well, leaving only the echoes of thunder as the clouds vanished and scorch marks on the carpet which would be such a pain for the janitors to clean up.

_Good riddance_, said Roxas, and Sora once more agreed with him, rather shaken by the mad god's demands.

"Showoff," grunted Triton, who could summon storms too. He couldn't turn into lightning, though. Why would he want to?

"I can do that too," Kuzco claimed, not wanting to seem any less of a god than Zeus. "I just…don't want to, yeah. Could mess up my groove."

"That's right, sir."

"Absolutely right, sir," his guards said loyally, even though all three of them, and everyone else except for a confused Simba, knew it was bullshit.

"I say! Nice exit!" said an approving Jack, applauding gleefully. "Now Mayor, how do you suppose I could turn myself into a bolt of lightning?" The Mayor moaned and kept his 'panic' face on, not wanting to even think of how much disaster an endeavor like that would cause.

"Good riddance!" said Santa with a huff, pretty much everyone agreeing with him. "It's because of monsters like him that I have to give out so many therapeutic tapes, pills, and comfort toys to abused children on Christmas. And before you ask King Mickey, no, I can't help you folks. Christmas is a time of joy and gift-giving, not violence."

"But Sandy, what about snowball fights?" Jack asked. "And stuffing snow down people's shirts? And all those toy weapons you give out as presents? And the horrible violence and slaughter in shopping centers when people struggle with each other to obtain rare last-minute gifts? And doesn't the tradition of hanging garlands and decorations on Christmas trees have some archaic tie to an old barbarian tradition involving hanging the intestines of your enemies on their branches? And I seem to recall that, according to one old and obscure legend, the man the holiday was named after was supposed to have been nailed to a big wooden X and left to die of exposure-"

"Oh, shut up, Jack," Santa said crossly. He stood up, tapped his nose three times, then twirled around and vanished in a gust of arctic wind and snowflakes which promptly melted, leaving his seat wet.

All blinked. "Ha! I can do better than that!" Kuzco boasted, with his guards quickly kissing up to him with agreements.

"How did he do that?!" asked a terrified Simba. "How…how can you people _do_ things like that?!"

"You call that an exit?" asked Jack with a frown. "Where's the flair? The drama? It just seems so…bland."

"We truly have entered another world, full of the most astounding spirits…" the Emperor murmured. His bodyguards nodded in agreement.

"Oh, you get rather used to it," said the Sultan. "When you have a genie living in your palace and all sorts of remarkable things happen on a daily basis, seeing a big orange-ish man vanish in a bolt of lightning and fat man in red disappear in snowflakes isn't really anything special."

"'Get used to it,' he says," Razoul muttered under his breath. "More stress and worries for Razoul, that's what it is. At this rate Razoul is more likely to die of a heart attack, a curse, a monster rampage, an evil sorcerer's invasion, or any number of other possible things before he gets to retire."

"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?" Aladdin whispered to him in confusion.

"…Shut up, street rat," the big unfriendly man growled.

"It's such a shame he left, too," Jack complained. "I didn't get to show him my latest toy design! It's certainly much safer than the weapons he's giving out that can put out people's eyes or smash in skulls or pierce the skin or things like that."

"Ooh, let's see it," the Sultan said eagerly, as interested in toys as always.

"Very well." Jack put a miniature guillotine and a female doll on the table. "I call this the Decapitate-me Ann Boleyn doll! It's fun AND educational!" He demonstrated by placing the doll inside the guillotine and dropping the blade on its neck, severing the head and causing very realistic-looking blood to spew from the stump that was (hopefully) just tomato juice. "See? What child could resist?"

The kings stared at the doll with pale faces, many of them all too easily imagining themselves being put under a similar contraption by an angry riled mob. Aladdin swallowed, recalling the time he had almost been beheaded, and Razoul gave the former thief an evil expression that showed how much he wished he could put Aladdin in the same position again.

"Uh, Jack, isn't that toy dangerous too?" Sora pointed out anxiously. "I mean, if it can cut through plastic, it can cut through flesh too, can't it?"

"Oh, nonsense, it's perfectly safe!" Jack scoffed. "It doesn't _really_ cut through the neck; it's detachable on its own. Here, let me show you, no child shall lose a finger to this contraption!" He removed the doll, reset the device, stuck his finger into the guillotine, and dropped the blade. There was a disgusting cracking sound, and part of Jack's finger fell off. The rulers stared at it gravely. "Ah," Jack said sheepishly, reattaching his finger and stowing the doll and guillotine away. "Yes. Well. There are still a few, ahem, bugs to fix, I suppose. Perhaps I should wait a bit longer before showing this to Sandy..."

"Skeletons should not be allowed to leave their graves," Richard muttered, and it looked as if a few other rulers felt the same way. The Emperor and his guards made signs to ward off evil spirits and put the restless dead at peace, neither of which had any effect on Jack.

_I want one of those for my next birthday,_ Roxas said. _Wait, do I even have a birthday? We should talk to Mom about that._

"I'm afraid that I must still abstain from joining forces with you surface and space-dwellers," Triton proclaimed gravely. "We of Atlantica are bound to the seas, and to the seas we must remain. The outer worlds and the domains of surface-dwellers are of no concern to us."

"But there's so much you and the other worlds can do for each other!" Sora protested. "And besides, aren't you letting Ariel have relations with a prince of a kingdom neighboring your own? Who's a surface-dweller like we are, for that matter?"

There was a pause. Triton coughed, just as aware as everyone else there was that such relations, if they led to marriage, meant he was in fact politically allied to one of the surface-dwelling kingdoms he disavowed involvement with. "Yes, well, ah, that's a bit of a rather, ahem, special circumstance, and not in the least bit hypocrisy or favoritism. No sir. And besides," the merman pointed out. "Any alliance would fail due to practical reasons. We're _merpeople_. We have _tails and fins_, for Neptune's sake." He lifted his out of the water, Sebastian the crab dangling from it, for emphasis. "And we dry out very easily if we're not constantly hydrated. There's no possible way we could reach any battle front other than the ocean we already live in. How do you expect us to fight on land and fly through outer space with the lack of legs or other equipment to survive in dry air?!"

"His Majesty is absolutely right!" Sebastian the crab said, reaffirming his grip and clambering up to the king's crown. "And it's not like the Royal Trident has the power to give every merman and -maid legs, anyway, like it did to Ariel."

"Sebastian!" Triton hissed, snatching the crab off his hair and shutting him in his fist to keep him from blurting out anymore state secrets.

"Oh, that's no problem," Buzz said cheerfully. "Why not just use ships filled with water?"

There was a pause. "What did you just say?" said a confused Triton.

"Ships filled with water. Spaceships are airtight on principle, since otherwise there'd be nothing to keep the contents from leaking out into space," Buzz explained. "And if that's the case, there's no reason ships can't be modified to be flying water tanks built for aquatic creatures and controls geared for such life-forms."

Commander Nebula nodded. "Yes, we've got plenty of Rangers from aquatic worlds in our ranks. We even have modified water-filled suits for them to wear so they can venture out into aerated environments like the ones we're used to."

"Ah," Triton said. "Well. I _suppose_ that technology makes an alliance a bit more practical. However," he added quickly. "I find that I must still refuse. Atlantica is an independent nation, and we need no ties to other worlds. Our culture and way of life would be changed irrevocably."

Alphamon sighed and shook his head at that. "My world once thought the same way. We were able to ignore the plights of other worlds at our leisure. Then the Heartless came, and we only barely managed to survive. If we had had allies, things would have been much simpler. If your sea kingdom were to be invaded, are you certain you will be able to repel the hordes?"

"Of course we can," Triton huffed. "Atlantica may be independent, but we're not the _only_ undersea kingdom. We've got good ties with them, and they'll be more than willing to help us in the event of an invasion, and we would do the same for them. The seas are far more defensible than your mountaintops or valleys or obvious eyesores of cities or barren stretches of waste. We don't need allies or aid from other worlds."

"But…aren't you already technically allied to another world? In the form of that surface kingdom whose prince your daughter is seeing?" said a puzzled Sultan.

"Ah. Yes, well-" Triton stammered. "But, that's not another world, really, I mean he comes from _my _world, he just happens to be from a part of it that's…completely different from my own…and could almost be thought of as a whole other world…even described that way be any number of songs and musical numbers…" he finished weakly.

"Much like how, for some reason, the Princess of Agrabah has decided to marry the street rat here," Razoul grumbled. "Who happens to be from a completely different social circle and is practically from another world in terms of education, style, mannerisms, pastimes, companions, and hygiene."

"Hey! I resent that!" said an annoyed Aladdin. "I've gotten perfectly used to soap! Abu, on the other hand…"

"And not to mention you've gotten used to me showing up, and I'm certainly not from your world," Sora pointed out to Triton. "Heck, I've saved your kingdom from Ursula twice now. If your world hadn't been connected to others, even for a little while, your entire ocean might have been lost." Donald and Goofy nodded in agreement.

_And let's not forget all the concerts you took part in down there,_ Roxas reminded Sora. _I'm almost jealous. Your singing voice is much better than mine ever was. Even Lexaeus did better than me at the weekly karaoke night._

"That…_may_ be the case…" Triton said slowly, anguished as he saw each of his arguments being destroyed before him. "But…ah…"

"If you are already allied with a nation so radically different than yours, and have been saved twice now by an otherworldly hero, how would that be any different from joining forces with us?" the Emperor asked reasonably. "The distances separating us are much vaster, I must admit, than the ones between your undersea kingdom and the lands on the surface of your world. But I would have thought you would see that in a way we are all living in a sea of sorts, a vast ocean of worlds. Your world is just one of them, as is mine, a drop of light, or perhaps even a fish, in a sea of stars. From that perspective, we are not really so dissimilar, are we?"

Triton glowered hatefully at the wise old man for a moment as some of the others nodded in agreement at his clever words. He knew that if he still refused in the face of all the logic they were shoving down his throat they'd think he was just another prejudiced asshole like Oberon and Zeus. And, he admitted to himself, perhaps he was just a bit prejudiced. But his pride refused to let it go that easily. "I'll think about it," he grunted, dropping a dazed and rather crushed Sebastian back into the water.

Mickey nodded, somewhat pleased. "Well, that's a start," he said.

"As I've already said, we can't _directly_ ally with you, too many political problems," Commander Nebula reminded Mickey. "We can train some of your soldiers to be Space Rangers so that they'll be better able to defend the systems in this quadrant, but they will be under our official command and not yours. Our authority over them supersedes yours, so while you may be able to order them around, their actions and decisions, whether you agree with them or not, will ultimately be our responsibility to punish or congratulate, understand?"

"That's fine," Mickey said, though not all the other kings looked like they agreed. "As long as our worlds are safer, that's all that matters."

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkweh," Don Chocobo said, to which Montblanc translated, "The Don's thought it over, and he says that in the long run it would probably be for the best to join forces with youse guys, kupo. He's more than willing to lend youse the services of our various financial holdings, businesses, synthesizers, manufacturers, and security forces and troopers, but he is unwilling to give you any battle-trained Chocbo for cavalry until you can guarantee that they won't be cut down by enemy infantry, kupo."

Mickey nodded. "That's reasonable. I'll have my armorers and mages see what they can think up."

"Kwehkwehkweh," said the pleased fat Chocobo. "The Don thinks that this could prove to be a very profitable venture for us, as do I," Montblanc interpreted. "Youse can count on the entirety of the United Choco-Mog Trade Federation and all its members and constituent races to help out in a pinch, kupo."

_We sure are making deals with a lot of businesses, _Roxas pointed out. _Then again, war's an expensive thing, and you need _somebody_ to build all your weapons and warships and stuff. Wonder how much this will cost the average taxpayer, though…_

"I'm glad to have you guys on board," Mickey said gratefully. "Now…Simba? Is something the matter?"

Simba, who had been glancing hungrily for a moment at the very plump Don Chocobo and making the Moogle bodyguards uneasy, grimaced, fidgeted, and clawed at the table for a minute. "I…I can't," he said, looking on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "I can't…I don't belong here, all right?! I mean, I have no idea what most of you are talking about! I don't know what slavery or prostitution or businesses or spaceships are! I don't understand your technology and all the strange and miraculous things you can do with it! I don't understand politics! I don't understand space or the distances and differences between worlds! I'm not even sure I really understand the concept of war, or why you're all so focused on preparing for one rather than just charging right for your enemies while they're here now and taking them all out! These…these are all two-legger things, nothing that a lion king like me can ever understand! Why did you ask me to come here?! There's nothing I can contribute! My kingdom has no power to give you! No technology! No warriors! The only thing you could get from us is the same thing two-leggers ALWAYS want from us, our furs, our meat, our lands, EVERYTHING! Joining forces with you—something that I don't understand either—won't make us any safer from the Heartless or their kind, or even from Zira and her rogues! We'll just be more vulnerable to more people who want our land and our bodies! What good will allying with you do for my pride?!"

"We can offer you protection," Mickey said generously. "Name your world off-limits to the others due to the fragile nature of the civilization and ecosystem there, designate it as a protectorate of the Allied Worlds…strengthen the world barriers and post patrols and blockades throughout your system to keep out would-be hunters or invaders, maybe even do a little terraforming on the surface to make your land more fertile and defensible from other 'two-leggers' or rival prides and groups such as Zira's who might want your territory, and so on…"

"I…No! I can't do that!" Simba protested. "I, I don't even know what half of what you just said means! You see? This is why I don't belong here! I don't know anything like you kings do, like _he_ does!" he said, referring to a confused but equally leonine King Richard. "I'm just some dumb animal, right? Isn't that what you're all thinking?!"

"No," said Mickey, who was a talking mouse.

"Definitely not," said an alarmed Donald, who was a talking duck.

"Gawrsh no," agreed Goofy, who was a big dopey dog-thing.

"Aye lad, you're just being a wee bit paranoid," the billionaire mallard Scrooge McDuck said.

"Simba, calm down," Sora said anxiously. "We don't think less of you just because you don't come from the same background or walk on two legs like everyone else here does."

Simba, who trusted Sora, calmed down maybe half a hair. "Maybe you don't," he admitted. "Or at least, _some_ of you might not…but the fact is, we still can't give you anything. My kingdom is of no help to any of yours unless you feel the urge to exploit it like every other two-legger. And if you declare it off-limits, under your 'protection', then we're immediately dependent on you for our safety and completely helpless to save ourselves when you come to destroy us!"

"But we _won't_ destroy you," Mickey promised, keeping his tone level in the face of the lion's sheer panic. "Like I said, your world will be under our protection. A wildlife preserve. _Nothing_ bad will happen to you, not from the Heartless, or the Nobodies, or greedy hunters and entrepreneurs. Am I right?" he asked the rulers pointedly, causing them all to nod quickly in agreement, although Rchard was saddened by the game he would be unable to catch, Kuzco wistfully thought about how good he might have looked in some of the marvelous hides the beasts in Simba's domain wore, Shere Khan and Scrooge were mildly disappointed that neither of them would be able to mine for some diamonds in the area, and Leon didn't really care. He hadn't really cared about much of the discussions and arguments, actually. "We'll even help deal with Zira's rogue group, if you want us to. Or you can handle it on your own. Either way is fine with us."

"How do I know I can trust you, though?! How can I trust ANY of you?!" Simba raved, making a big mess of the table as he continued tearing at it with his claws.

"You can trust _me_, Simba," Sora stressed. "You know you can. And I won't let them do anything bad to your world! You know you can count on me!"

This seemed to calm down Simba again. Marginally. "I…yes. Yes, I can trust you. But…NO!" He shook his head. "I can't! My land was entrusted to me by my father, and his father before him, and his father before him, and so on. If I let someone else protect the land, I'm no good as a king and might as well just shrug off my responsibilities again and go back to eating bugs with Timon and Pumbaa. It's my land, so it's my job to protect it!" There were some nods of agreement from the others at this, understanding this perspective.

"Yeah, and if that's the case, then that means it's your responsibility to _let_ us help protect your land!" Sora argued. "Because Simba, take it from me, you CAN'T do everything by yourself!"

_Well said,_ Roxas agreed.

Simba did not seem to respond well to Sora's statement. He half-lunged, putting his upper body and legs on the top of the table as he glared directly at Sora. "That's right, you can't! You always need somebody else to help you, like me or any of your friends! Someone to bail you out if you've bitten off more than you can chew. As a king, I can't always afford that luxury! The responsibility lies squarely on my own shoulders!"

"Only if you're stupid and _let_ it, instead of allowing your friends to help you share the burden!" Sora retorted.

"It's not their place to do that, and not mine to let that responsibility go!" Simba said angrily. "Not until I'm dead! And that is why I _can't_ be weak enough to ask for help, from you or my friends or these people here! Because if I do that, my kingdom isn't mine anymore, it's somebody else's and I'll have let down EVERYONE, my pride, the animals I protect, and my ancestors!"

"It's not weak to rely on your friends!" Sora insisted. "There's nothing bad about asking someone for help once in a while!"

"Wrong," Leon said coldly, startling Sora and everyone else, who had begun to forget he was there since he hadn't said much since his blunt refusal to join the alliance. "Because 'once in a while' eventually becomes 'all the time', and then you can't do anything for yourself. You become utterly dependent on outside assistance. You're no better off than you would be if you were just dead."

Sora was appalled. "That's stupid, Leon!"

"No, he's right," Simba growled. "How strange to see that one two-legger out of all the others here understands me. And that is why I refuse to join your alliance. My kingdom is _mine_, I fought for it and _earned_ it, and NOBODY has the right to think they can take even a part of it from me!"

"But Simba," Mickey protested. "Letting somebody else take some responsibility for protecting a place doesn't mean that place is any less yours than it was before!"

"Of course you'd think that," Simba snarled. "Because you're a two-legger, and a mouse at that. And that is why you can never understand what it is to be a lion, not even you Sora, who just happened to wear our shape for a while."

"But-" Sora protested.

"I'm going now," Simba said coldly. "I have a pride to go back to. All the smells and noises and PEOPLE rubbing against each other in this tiny space make me sick. I need wide open spaces." With that, he leaped off the table and stalked off, the various guards getting out of his way as he headed for the stairs.

Mickey sighed. "There goes another one…" Donald and Goofy shook their heads in bewilderment.

"Simba…" Sora murmured, slumping in his seat.

_Idiot,_ Roxas said harshly. _Even I know by now everyone needs help eventually. Damn paranoid lion._

"What a sad creature," the Sultan said, shaking his head unhappily.

"So he is willing to put his pride (figurative), and his inbred feeling that he must remain the only one who can protect his people, that no other than him can do this task, over the very real knowledge that on his own his world will very likely crumble without aid." The Emperor shook his head sorrowfully. "A most unwise thing to do."

"Indeed," agreed Adam, whose pride and selfishness had once had him transformed into the monstrous Beast. "I hope he will realize his mistake before it's too late."

"Now, fellas," Mickey said quickly. "Remember, he's from a place completely different from ours. Totally different civilization, different society, different way of life. His personal morals and perspectives are totally unlike anything we're used to due to the circumstances of his environment, species, and numerous other factors. And as such, we must be tolerant of his beliefs rather than criticizing of them." Buzz and Nebula nodded, for they had to deal with alien cultures all the time and thus knew the difficulty in trying to make different points of view meet. The same could be said of Don Chocobo and Montblanc, whose mercantile organization spanned a number of systems throughout the galaxy, and so also had to deal with varying mindsets and ways of life. "Still, like you all, I _do_ hope he reconsiders. If not, things could get ugly…"

"And I thought lions were supposed to be social creatures," commented Kuzco. "Not that I've ever met one, but, you know…"

"We are!" Richard claimed. "There must be something wrong with that one."

"There's nothing wrong with relying on yourself," Leon said coolly.

"It is," Nebula snapped. "When you become so focused on yourself that you block out the reality that you can't and _don't_ need to do everything by yourself!"

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkweh," Don Chocobo commented. Montblanc decided not to tell the others that the Don was rather relieved Simba was gone, because that meant the lion wouldn't be tempted to eat him. "Kupo…"

"I've changed my mind," Triton said suddenly, feeling embarrassed and ashamed at himself all of a sudden for his stupid prejudices and pride. He had seen himself, or an aspect of himself, reflected in Simba's rage and insistence on self-reliance. He didn't like what he had seen. "I think…yes, I _will_ join your alliance after all."

"Thank you, Triton," said Mickey, clearly relieved. "We're glad to have you with us. And don't worry; we'll see if we can't find a way for you to help out without necessarily leaving your ocean."

"Thank you," Triton said most graciously. "However, I would not want my kingdom to seem cowardly or unwilling to fight. We will do whatever is needed of us to protect our world and our allies. As will all of us, isn't that right?" Under the sea king's hard gaze, the other rulers couldn't help but quickly nod in agreement, except for Leon.

"Your Majesty, as Space Rangers we're not technically allied with you like the rest are, and we don't technically _need_ permission to safeguard a system in jeopardy…" Buzz informed the King. "So, if you think it's necessary…"

"To keep an eye on Simba's world just in case, even though he asked us not to? And you would not be infringing on his desire for our alliance not to interfere with his world, since you're only loosely affiliated with us due to your corps' policy? Yes, I think that very well might be a good idea," Mickey said with a nod. "And necessary, too. I hope Simba changes his mind…and that it doesn't take some catastrophe for him to realize just what his limits are."

Leon clenched his fists at this, but went unnoticed. "You just can't stop your meddling, can you?"

Mickey glared at the man. "If what you call meddling protects an underdeveloped world from being destroyed, then no, I can't. In fact, Leon, I seem to recall that if I hadn't meddled with _your_ people, you might never have survived when your world was destroyed, or ever have gotten Radiant Garden back." The king's eyes narrowed. "Or is that what this is _really_ about?"

"Radiant Garden wants nothing to do with kings," Leon said hostilely, not answering Mickey's question. "Or emperors, or tyrannical rulers of any kind. Not after our last one's foolishness destroyed our world."

"The only thing Ansem the Wise did that was foolish," Mickey said indignantly, "Was putting too much faith in Xehanort and his apprentices without checking to make sure they'd stay within the boundaries he'd set for them. He had no way of knowing his research could lead to the outbreak of the Heartless or the destruction of so many worlds, he only wanted to find a way to eliminate darkness from the human heart forever."

"So he had good intentions," Leon said harshly. "I think there's a certain road paved with those, isn't there? And the fact is, he _did_ trust Xehanort and his apprentices, and he _did_ end up losing his kingdom, and as a result the world was destroyed and all of his subjects were either killed, turned into Heartless, or scattered across the cosmos."

"Refusing to ally with us won't keep something like that from happening again, Leon," Mickey insisted. "Grouping every king into a negative stereotype just because one happened to make a terrible mistake is unfair to all of us. I doubt you would have let that accident happen again anyway, regardless of whether or not there happened to be a king nearby, so it's ridiculous to use us as an excuse like that not to join forces. And it's not like we're asking you to select a new king or fall under our jurisdiction, you'd still be a free world in your own right, equal to all of us!" Leon was unmoved by this. Mickey pressed on. "And in any event, I would have thought that you of all people would realize the necessity of this alliance. If it weren't for other worlds, you would never have gotten Radiant Garden back. If it weren't for other worlds, you wouldn't have been able to recover your home and wayward countrymen. Insisting on isolation and independence will just make you all the more vulnerable should another crisis happen! I would think that you of all people would understand the necessity of this alliance, to keep what happened to your world from ever happening to anyone else's ever again!"

Scrooge McDuck nodded. "He's right, lad! If the King hadn't contracted my construction firms to assist you in rebuilding your world, and my security companies to enhance your defenses, Radiant Garden would probably still be nothing more than a wrecked and Hollow Bastion! Some could say you owe us a debt for all we've done to help you, out of our own pockets too…to turn your back on us when we need you after all we've done for you is nothing but pure selfishness! And it's unsportsmanlike at that, too!"

The other rulers nodded at this, feeling the same way. "It is rather rude, and disrespectful behavior," the Sultan chastened Leon. "If your friend helps you when you're in trouble, it only behooves you to help them back when they are in need. That is how friendship works. I would do the same thing for any country—or world—my kingdom was allied with, and would expect that they do the same for me."

"And even if they didn't," Arthur piped up. "I'd still do it, because it was the right thing to do. Even if they're not particularly grateful for it later." There were more nods at this from the more altruistic leaders and heroes, though it was clear Leon disagreed.

"We never asked for your help," Leon said, even colder. "Any of those times. We could have done all of that by ourselves!"

_Ohhh…_ Roxas said, having an epiphany. _So _that's_ it!_ Sora blinked, somewhat confused.

"Ah," Mickey said, as if he had just had the same great revelation that neither Donald, Goofy, Sora, or the others seemed to grasp just yet. "So that's it. You don't want to join forces with us because you resent the fact that you've required outside aid every time you ran into something you couldn't stop yourself! I'm right, aren't I? No wonder you sympathize with Simba, you feel that you can never show the universe how strong and self-sufficient you are if you have to keep relying on the Disney Kingdom, McDuck Industries, or Sora to help you with your problems!"

"We never needed your help with any of those problems," Leon snapped. "We could have solved them on our own, if you had just given us the time to figure it out for ourselves rather than rushing in to fix it for us and make yourself feel so noble and superior for helping out!"

"Leon, that's ridiculous!" said Mickey, growing more and more frustrated. "If I hadn't been passing by to check on how Ansem was doing after I had told him to stop his experiments, the makeshift ship Cid had built would have fallen apart before you even made it out of the system! If I hadn't let you and your friends live in Disney Castle for a while, you would have been totally lost, friendless, and alone in the universe, with no hope of ever finding anyone else from your world or ever claiming it back from the darkness, if not just plain dead! When you insisted on independence then, we got you set up in Traverse Town to keep an eye out for the Keybearer, once we knew he was the one that could stop all this! And when the Keybearer _did_ appear-" Mickey glanced meaningfully at Sora at this. "He was able to clear out Hollow Bastion, seal its Keyhole, and allow you to move back there. When you were having trouble finding the rest of your wayward citizens or rebuilding town, I had McDuck use his vast resources to find your lost friends and start reconstructing the town, as well as install adequate defense systems to help keep out the remaining Heartless!"

"That's right, I did," Scrooge said, tapping his cane on the floor. "And His Majesty has yet to pay me back for all the expense I had to pour into that reconstruction and person-finding…although the ice cream chain I've established in the meantime is virtually paying for itself, I'll admit."

The mouse king continued. "When you couldn't crack the codes on Ansem's computer, Sora managed to unlock the data…with a little help from me, I'll admit. And when Maleficent and Organization XIII both unleashed their armies on the Garden, Sora, Donald, Goofy, and I fought alongside you and all of Radiant Garden's strongest warriors to repel them! You're a great warrior Leon, all of us know that and would never say otherwise, but even you could never have won that battle without our help!" Mickey insisted.

"We'll never know," Leon hissed. "We'll never know if we could have done any of that. We'll never know if we could have made it to another system, or reclaimed the Garden for ourselves, or rebuilt the town and found those of our friends who were still alive, or won that last great battle. We'll never know because you or Sora or somebody else just kept _sticking your giant noses in_ and taking all the credit for fixing things instead of letting us handle our own problems!"

"I never!" an indignant Mickey gasped in the stunned silence created by everyone's surprise at Leon's rather venomous outburst.

"Yeah, our noses aren't that big, hyuck!" Goofy agreed. All looked at him and his very long snout. "What?"

"Leon…" said a shocked Sora. "But…I thought you liked it when we helped out."

"Stay out of this, Sora!" Leon snapped. "We don't need you or your giant key bailing us out anymore! Radiant Garden can take care of itself, without a Keyblade! We probably shouldn't have wasted our time hoping and waiting for one anyway, seeing as it clearly chose _the wrong person to back in the first place_!"

Mickey's jaw dropped. Donald and Goofy goggled. The other rulers and heroes stared in disbelief. Leon was red in the face, and did not look like he was going to take back any of what he had just said.

In the silence left by Leon's statement, Sora's mind reeled. He was stunned at his older friend's declaration, especially the unspoken implication that Leon deserved the Keyblade more than he did. He hadn't heard sentiments like that since the time Riku had gone all Dark on everyone. He had no idea that Leon harbored such bitterness towards the people who helped him. Did he really hate Sora that much? _Well, I can sort of see where he's coming from,_ Roxas commented. _I mean, think about it for a moment. His world got destroyed when he was a lot younger, and he couldn't do anything about it. Then, when he did become old enough to do something, he had to stand back and let an inexperienced kid years younger than him who hadn't suffered nearly as much trauma or self-inflicted angst come in and miraculously do everything Leon himself always wished he could do, but couldn't. You reclaimed his world, you killed Maleficent and Xehanort (sort of), you drove off the Heartless every time they reared their ugly heads, and also whomped his ass in the Coliseum dozens of times, even though he's older and has probably trained longer and more intensely with a sword for years. He thinks that he deserves the Keyblade more than we do, considering how he's suffered, or thinks he's suffered, much longer than us. No wonder he feels he has to prove he's strong and independent, seeing how many times he's gotten his butt handed to him or had to watch somebody else outdo him in nearly every way but sheer emo-ness. I felt that way more than once back when I was in the Organization._ Sora frowned, seeing Roxas' point and suddenly feeling very guilty. He supposed he _had_ stolen more than a little of Leon's glory…and slaughtered his ego, too, considering how many times he'd beaten him in a duel. But what could he do about that now? _Let me talk to him,_ Roxas insisted. _Apologizing or trying to just talk some sense into him will do no good, he's too stubborn and self-centered and full of pent-up anger he's just showing now. To break through, we're going to have to be brutal. And while you've gotten better at being mean sometimes, you're still too much of a creampuff for something like this. Let me borrow control of your mouth, and maybe the rest of your body, for a minute. I can't switch completely without freaking them out, so they'll just think I'm you, with maybe a bit more backbone and attitude. I'll set Leon straight._ Sora rather found himself dreading what the results of this would be. But he knew that his brother was right. From the way Leon was yelling at King Mickey or the other rulers when the royals attempted to talk some sense into him and make him apologize, Sora knew something had to be done…and for once, he wasn't the person to do it. Hoping this wouldn't make things worse, Sora nodded slightly, giving in and relinquishing his voice to Roxas. Sora felt his mouth open, felt his lungs inhale, but knew that he was doing none of it consciously. He was also not the one who bellowed, quite loudly, "LEON, GET THE HELL OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!"

There was another stunned silence. The leaders of over a dozen worlds stared at Sora, blinking, none of them expecting the hero to shout like that. Even Leon was momentarily taken aback, but only for a moment. "What do you think you're-" he started.

"I get it, okay?! I'm not stupid! This isn't about Radiant Garden at all, it's about YOU! You, and how you think you have to prove yourself to be the best and the baddest there is because you never got the Keyblade, because you weren't the one who saved your world any of the times it was threatened, because you weren't able to kick the ass of a kid years younger than you with hundreds of people watching, more than once!"

"WHAT did you say?!" Leon hissed, leaning forward and planting his hands on the table.

"You heard me! This has nothing to do with you feeling that all the other worlds are babying yours and keeping it from developing its own strength, this is about you feeling inadequate because you think that every time you had the chance to do something big and great, something really important, somebody else did it for you. And to make it worse, that somebody has, most of the time, either been a kid younger than you with a magical weapon that deep down you think should have come to you or a talking mouse. That must be pretty humiliating to you, huh?"

Mickey frowned. "I don't quite like where you're going with this…what's humiliating about being outdone by a talking mouse?"

"Yeah, don't belittle His Majesty!" Donald said angrily, intending to give Sora a good Thunder spell for that later.

"Radiant Garden's future and safety are all I care about," Leon growled. "My personal feelings-"

"Have EVERYTHING to do with it!" Sora, or rather Roxas, insisted. "Why do you think you deserve it so badly, Leon? What makes you think you're worthier of the Keyblade?" He summoned the mystical weapon for emphasis, and for an even bigger effect attached the winged lion keychain that transformed it into the Sleeping Lion blade, a keychain Leon himself had given Sora not too long ago. "Because you've trained more than I have? Because you've fought in more battles? Because you've suffered and lost more than I ever could have? Because you think you have a _lion's_ heart, like your last name, and so secretly think it must be stronger or more deserving than mine?" Sora, except it wasn't really Sora, stood up and tossed the Keyblade to the table in front of Leon. "I dare you, then. Take it. If you think you deserve it so much more than me, take it! Let's see what the Keyblade thinks, shall we?"

Leon didn't hesitate for more than a moment. His hand snatched out, grabbed the Keyblade by its hilt…

And closed around nothing, as the sword reappeared in Sora's hands. Leon dug his fingers into the table and gritted his teeth in anger. "Yeah, just like the last time you tried that," Sora/Roxas said mockingly. "Once more, it chose me over you. And I bet you're wondering why, right? Wondering what some stupid kid from a backwater world like me could possibly have that you don't?

"Well, let me first straighten a few things out for you. You think I haven't trained as much as you? You're probably right, but I was never nearly as much of an amateur to fighting as you must think I am, even way back when we first met. I've spent most of my years growing up sparring with my friends in our spare time for fun and laughs, encouraged by my some of our parents as a good form of exercise. I rarely got my butt handed to me, except to Riku, who took to fighting even better than I did, but all the times he beat me just inspired me to work harder so I could be as good as he was one day. Not only that, but I have a mother who for some weird reason happens to be proficient in nearly every weapon invented on our world, and has dedicated a lot of free time training me in how to use most of those weapons, especially the sword, because somehow she knew I'd need that skill someday. I have no idea if what she's put me through was nearly as intense as whatever training regiment you put on yourself when you were my age, but I'd like to see you last an hour on my mom's obstacle courses. Even the Crusaders, the local island militia, sometimes have a difficult time on those courses, so good luck. That training's been the foundation of most of my technique and style, and it's helped me beat down nearly every enemy I've ever fought, and even allowed me to go toe-to-toe with Sephiroth _twice_ and walk away, the only person other than Cloud who can do that. I'd like to see how long _you_ would last against him. So if you think most of my strength just comes from me wielding the Keyblade, I'm afraid you're sadly mistaken. The supernatural abilities and magic, maybe, certainly the ability to fly, but almost all of the fighting skill's mine, always has been. The Keyblade's power just enhanced it a little, if not a bit more, and taught me a few new tricks while it was at it.

"Now, battles? I have no idea what your record is, but I'm pretty sure I'm close to beating it, if I'm not already there. Let's just do the math, shall we? I've fought hundreds of Heartless and Nobodies on over a dozen worlds all over the galaxy, not including the number of times I ran into enormous fleets waiting to ambush me in transit to most of those worlds. Then, let's also point out that I've also competed in every tournament available in both Olympus Coliseum and the Underdrome, many of which I defeated you in, repeatedly, even when you had backup. And then let's throw in all the giant monsters I've toppled, Heartless or otherwise, along with supervillains, even if they came back more than once, and Xehanort, since that guy took so long to fight and had so many different forms it felt like I was fighting six or seven battles instead of just one. Same for his alter ego, Xemnas. Speaking of which, let's throw in all the members of Organization XIII I whupped, which would be nearly all of them. And then, just for laughs, let's mix it up a little with all these other Heartless and memories I beat up in Castle Oblivion…using _cards_ of all things. Now, add it all together, and do you know what number of fights we've got? No? Neither do I, but I wonder if it's nearly as much as your record. If not greater. And even if I haven't killed as many monsters, I'm sure I've got you beat in how many really big, bad guys I've knocked down.

"Now, suffering…there you probably have me beat. After all, your world was destroyed, taking your parents and most of the people you knew with it. It's not like that's ever happened to anybody else, especially yours truly, right? WRONG!" Roxas/Sora spread his arms. "Look around, Leon. Just about everyone here has lost somebody in the Heartless attacks, if their entire world wasn't destroyed at one point or another. You're not the only one who's suffered that way. And you, just like everyone else, managed to get your world _back_ when I sealed the dark door. Of course, that didn't bring back everyone you lost, did it? Well, here's a news flash, Leon: it didn't bring back everyone who vanished on all the other worlds, either. There are still entire families I knew growing up who haven't returned home, and I doubt they ever will. Much like the families you knew, right?"

"What are you getting at?" Leon growled.

"I'm getting at the obvious, which you should know by now, which is that YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE THIS HAS HAPPENED TO. Okay, I'll admit it took longer for things to come back for you than it has for most of the others here, so I suppose you could lay a claim on some angst for that whole time period. But you know what, Leon? It's over. Your world's back, most of your friends are safe; you've even rebuilt your old town. So STOP GETTING SO ANALLY FIXATED ON WHAT HAPPENED YEARS AGO AND MOVE ON ALREADY! You've got the chance to start all over, but you're being so damn stupid you don't even notice it!"

"You don't know what it's like-" Leon started.

"Uh, hello, did you not hear anything I just said? I said you're not the only one who lost his world!" Roxas interrupted. "And you're not the only one who agonized over whether or not they would ever see their friends again! Prince Adam, for instance, was so motivated by his desperate desire to find Belle again that he broke free from the darkness and…somehow got to Hollow Bastion…hey, how _did_ you do that anyway?" Adam shrugged, not knowing. "And then there are all the people like Aladdin who were constantly worried about what happened to their loved ones after they got kidnapped for Maleficent's twisted plans, and had to face the very real possibility that they might never see them again, just like you!" Aladdin nodded in agreement, as did the Sultan and Razoul, for they had all been deathly worried for Jasmine when she had been taken away from them long ago. "And me, well, I'm sure you remember how anxious I was to find my best friends ever, Riku and Kairi. So anxious that I couldn't even sleep some nights because I was terrified I'd never see them again. Donald and Goofy can both attest to that, and I'm sure your own friends can tell stories about the fits of worry, fear, and occasionally outright despair and hopelessness you've had at the thought that you might never put things back together again. Am I right?" Leon set his jaw and looked down at the table, but did not reply. "I am, aren't I? You see Leon? That's what I've been trying to tell you, what I was trying to say to Simba too. You're not alone. But if you keep acting like you are, then you really _will_ be, and all your stupid posturing and feints at independence will do you no good when you're dead."

It was clear from the glare Leon was giving Roxas that he still wasn't buying it. So, the boy continued. "Do you want to know the reason why the Keyblade didn't choose you, Leon? For the same reason it didn't choose Riku, not at first anyway. It didn't pick you because you think on some level that since you've suffered and lost something, you're _entitled_ to it. You think you deserve it because your life wasn't as happy or idyllic as you imagine or pretend it was back before the Heartless came. And that, Leon, is nothing but bullshit. If the sole requirement for having a Keyblade is a rough childhood or tough life, than everyone would have one of these. But they don't, do they?"

"Then tell me," Leon snarled, stung by Roxas' accusations that he didn't deserve the Keyblade. "What _does_ someone have to do to prove themselves worthy of the high and mighty Keyblade?"

Roxas snorted. "You're asking the wrong person. Try Riku, he was able to get a hold of his own Keyblade somehow despite being a huge jerk for a while. Maybe he can give you some pointers. All I know for sure is thinking that you're entitled to it, that you deserve it because of some self-perceived virtue or other, is one of the surest ways to _keep_ it from ever picking you."

"You're right, Sora," King Mickey agreed. And since he too had a Keyblade, he would know. "You're absolutely right. The power of the Keyblade wants nothing to do with a selfish heart."

"Selfish?!" Leon snapped, pounding his fists on the table. "I want it because it will protect my world!"

"No, you want it because you think you deserve it!" Roxas retorted. "Everything else is second to that desire, even the well-being of your friends! Kuzco was right, lions ARE supposed to be social creatures…and despite your last name, and what you call yourself, you're certainly no lion! If anything you're a storm, no, a _squall_," he corrected himself, noting with perverse pleasure how Leon flinched at his true name. "Constantly swirling bitterness and anger around yourself to drive everyone else away from your heart. It's a smaller squall than whatever stick Cloud's got shoved up his ass, I'll give you that much, but I don't really think it would take that much to make you _just like him_, abandoning his friends to seek out something because he thinks he's the _only one_ who can do it, who deserves it! Do you _really_ want to be like Cloud, _Squall?_ Or maybe that's why you really changed your name, since you didn't want it to sound anything like his!"

That proved to be the last straw. "I don't have to listen to this," Leon said, shoving his seat back and standing up. "Goodbye, Sora, Your Majesties." He said the latter part mockingly as he turned and stalked off.

There was a moment of silence as they watched him leave. "Young man," the Sultan said finally, somewhat distressed. "Was that really necessary?"

"Yes," Roxas said, sitting back down and sending his Keyblade away. "He was being very rude, so it seemed to me the only way to break through to him was to be equally rude."

"If anyone spoke to me like that," King Richard said firmly. "I'd send them to the dungeons." Robin Hood winced again.

"I would have done that too, once," said Kuzco. "But…hmm…yeah, I probably still might. Maybe. Not sure. Depends."

"Break through? You just drove him away!" Scrooge protested.

"Maybe, but I also told him the truth. And gave him food for thought. Best-case scenario, he realizes I'm right, changes his mind and comes back. Worst-case scenario…" Roxas shrugged. "He doesn't. But he would have done that anyway, even if I hadn't said anything, so it's no loss."

"Except that it is," Nebula said with a sigh. "The more worlds in an alliance, the better. The more worlds setting out on their own, the higher their chances of destruction. That's how it works."

"Then it will be on his head and not ours," Mickey said decisively. "Sora, thank you for trying to help. We can only hope Leon will see reason and return. If not…" He sighed. "Then we'll just have to make do without him."

Roxas nodded. _Did you really have to do that?!_ Sora thought unhappily from the back of his mind. _Now Leon might never be our friend again!_

_If he was harboring all that unhappiness towards us, he can't have been a good friend,_ Roxas reasoned as he and Sora swapped places. _Maybe he'll be the better for this. Or not._

_I wouldn't have gone about it that way,_ Sora complained.

_I know. Which is why _I'm _the one who did it. Since I'm the only one of us who could. _And Sora could not help but admit that this was probably the truth.

"So," King Mickey said. "We all know where we stand now. We have made our choice, to either unite our forces or to set off on our own. The galaxy will be forever changed by what we decide here today. So, gentlemen, let's get down to business. I think it's time we ratify and finalize the terms of our alliance…"

Sora drifted off mentally as Mickey and the other leaders started talking politics, which he had no head for. He kept thinking back to what Leon had said, and how Roxas had replied. Did Leon really hate him that much for being the hero Leon had not been?

If so, Sora was very sorry and a little anguished. He had always looked up to Leon to some extent. To learn that his friend and to a limited extent role model felt that way about him was…rather painful. He hoped Leon hadn't really meant it, or that he'd change his mind. They didn't need another Riku running around.

It was rather ironic he thought that, for at that moment another Riku _was_ in fact running around. And Nosimono felt certain that his training was almost complete, and that the Keyblade was nearly in his grasp…

…

All the performances had ended, and the evening was winding down. Dessert had been served to the witches, a combination of delectable dishes and treats, mostly chocolate and cheeses and baby's blood, which the evil ladies simply could not resist indulging in, despite their protests that it would ruin their diets. 'Kairi' seemed to have no problem consuming whatever was put in front of 'her', and did not in fact look the slightest bit full from the various roasted unicorns and Chocobos 'she' had been fed from the kitchen's meat locker, something a number of witches looked upon with sheer envy.

Soon enough, they finished their dessert and set about to gossiping and trading spells and secrets, as witches usually did, as Maleficent asked a waiter to fetch the bill. Their relatively pleasant babble (with occasional death threats, curses, and tenuous silence between Peg and Maleficent) was interrupted when Mirage scratched one of her claws against the side of her glass, creating a horrible screeching noise that caused all seated to flinch, the familiars to squawk or yowl or whimper in pain, and 'Kairi' to hiss and crouch flat against the ground, 'her' sensitive concealed ears pressed flat against 'her' skull. "If I may have a moment?" the feline sorceress said cheerfully, ignoring (or perhaps amused) by the glares sent her way by witches whose ears were still ringing. "This has been quite a delightful dinner and show, and an excellent opportunity for old friends such as we to catch up on lost time. However, I think we have all forgotten the real reason we've been gathered here: to celebrate our dear sister Maleficent's last night of freedom, for tomorrow she will be wed…again…and this time hopefully to Mr. Right. May she have a long and happy relationship with him free of divorce or her getting bored and killing him and removing his heart. I propose a toast in honor of this marriage…and hope that all of us who are not already attached may one day find _our_ Mr. Right as well!" This earned the cat woman more than a few glares from most of the witches, the majority of whom were single and well aware that Mirage had a weird on-again off-again thing going on with the not-actually blind cyclopean good (ugh!) wizard Fa'Zheer. However, they could not help but agree with Mirage's sentiments, even if many of them were also secretly bitterly jealous of Maleficent for snagging yet another man without sorcerous means well. Not all of them had aged as well as she did, or had such long natural lifespans like that of fairykind or immortality like Mirage after all. Those witches envied the married (or in relationships) few such as Maleficent (again), Mirage (sort of), Toxica (also sort of), Matoya (ew), Wuya, and Rita Repulsa most deeply. But since they might not get invited to any future parties if they did not show proper cheer, those jealous witches plastered cheesy smiles on their faces and raised their glasses in a toast. Peg, on the other hand, didn't bother hiding her sentiments. "To Maleficent, and a happy marriage!" A couple dozen glasses clinked together. Maleficent smiled broadly, cheered by this sense of (somewhat) goodwill, and also gloating that she had snagged another man and most of her other friends hadn't.

"Ih! Ih!" Maleficent looked down to see 'Kairi' tugging on her sleeve. _Has she always been so small?_ The dark fairy wondered for a moment. "Yes, what is it dear?"

"Gabba! May Sti—uh, Kairi go to bathroom?" 'She' gave her a pleading grin, showing several large fangs. "Pleeeease?"

Maleficent found herself wondering if Kairi's teeth had always looked like that, then dismissed the thought, seeing no reason to deny the request. "Very well, just don't run off. It wouldn't matter if you did anyway, the night is pretty much over, but I still might be tempted to destroy your world anyway as a result of your disobedience."

"That's telling her!" Hecate said approvingly.

'Kairi' nodded. "Sti—Kairi understands. Kairi not run away. Goodbye." 'She' scampered off…on all fours. How very strange. Maleficent's earlier worries about the mental faculties of the Destiny Island children rose to the surface again. She had already been aware that the entire trio had split personalities, which were bad enough, but the behavior Kairi had been exhibiting for most of the night was much worse than she could have expected. She had thought Kairi's 'other half', Namine, to be a quiet, harmless girl, Zexion had said so himself. What Maleficent had seen so far would beg to differ, unless Kairi had a _third_ personality roaming around her tiny mind, which might jeopardize Maleficent's plans for her…and the wedding plans, too. If this bizarre, almost bestial personality manifested itself during the ceremony tomorrow, it could be a disaster. She might even eat the cake before they could cut it! No, that certainly wouldn't do at all. "Yzma," Maleficent said. "You wouldn't happen to have any pills for psychological disorders, would you? I'm a bit concerned about our royal guest's mental health."

"What?" Yzma asked, one of her eyes twitching and her right hand moving without conscious thought, flailing about randomly and knocking over some glasses, dishes, and slapping the witch beside her, who did not find it very amusing. "No, of course not. I have some laxatives, though, that she can take if she has trouble getting out all the food she's eaten. I'm sure I'll need some before the night is over-"

"For the last time, WHAT PART OF 'WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW YOUR OLD AND DISEASED BODY'S FAILING ON YOU' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!" the other witches yelled at her. Yzma pouted, feeling unliked and unwanted, which was exactly what she was.

It was at that moment that there was the sound of a large explosion from the direction of the kitchen, causing the club to shake slightly. The kitchen doors burst open, and great clouds of stinging smoke poured into the room, engulfing everyone and everything on the floor. "Oh god, it's a fire!" Peg screamed as an alarm started buzzing and a few of the other guests screamed, while the employees just stood there and blinked, not really bothered by the smoke. "Where's the exit?! Where's my daughter?! We have to get out of here!"

"Oh, relax," said a very unbothered Maleficent, using a weak Aero spell to blow the smoke away from their table. "We're witches; do you really think a little thing like fire scares us?"

"Speak for yourself!" shrieked the Sanderson sisters, hiding under their chairs. "You never lived in America during the Salem witch-trial era!"

A group of Assassin Nobodies with fire hydrants warped into the room as some of the non-witch guests panicked and ran or crawled frantically around the room, blinded by the smoke, in an attempt to find the exit. The Nobodies looked towards the kitchen doors, where the smoke was coming from…then turned around and sprayed the panicking guests, including all of Maleficent's not-evil female invites, such as Queen Minnie, Daisy, Pocahontas, Kikida of Atlantis, the other six Princesses of Heart, Ariel, Tifa, Aerith, Queen Garnet of Alexandria, Queen Ashe of Rabanastre, Mary Poppins, the Fairy Queen, Elastigirl, etc. The Assassins then dropped the empty extinguishers to the floor and portalled away. Fortunately, a group of male strippers wearing fire-fighter costumes (if said revealing outfits could be called costumes), along with the trained Dancer Nobodies, quickly ran into the smoking kitchen and put out the flames with buckets of water and…other liquids it's best not to think about. With the source of the burning dealt with, the rest of the smoke thinned and faded away, helped by the club's ventilation ducts and a few generous Aero spells from the evil witches, who did nothing to help the 'good' women nearby clean the soot and foam from themselves, their clothes all but ruined. (Save those who had been able to keep clean magically) The rest of the club looked just as dirty from all the soot from the smoke, almost sleazier than the club where Pete was having his bachelor party. Well, all right, that might be a bit of a stretch, but still…

"What was the cause of this dilemma?" Maleficent asked the Neoshadow maitr'd as he (?) and the head Tonberry chef, the latter looking extremely pissed, came over, covered in soot. (Not that you could tell with the Neoshadow's skin, but the Tonberry's white chef's garment was clearly filthy, as was his green skin) The Neoshadow responded in whatever manner of communication the Heartless used, which was clearly inaudible to everyone not already affiliated with them, but seemed to also rely on a good deal of body language and antenna wiggling. Maleficent frowned as she heard her servant's account. "Well, that's odd."

"What is?" Peg asked, trying and failing to wipe the dirt off her very ruined gown. (Maleficent and the other witches had not seen fit to protect her from the soot with her spells.)

"It seems that a Dusk somehow got into the kitchen, stuck its head in the oven, and caused a small fire and a surprising amount of smoke," said Maleficent.

"Oh, the poor thing!" said Peg, who had no idea what a Dusk actually was. "What a horrible way to go…"

"Hmm? Oh no, it was quite fine, Dusks enjoy lighting their heads on fire, which is why we try to keep them out of the kitchen and away from incendiary devices in the first place," said Maleficent. "Of course, it didn't remain quite so fine after the head chef was through with it…"

The Tonberry lifted its knife, red and gray staining its blade, a psychotic and gleeful look filling its yellow eyes. Terrified, the other witches immediately started babbling about how satisfied they were with the meal and how they would recommend this place to all their friends and would it please PUT THE EVIL KNIFE OF HORRIBLE AGONIZING DEATH DOWN.

"I will have to set an example for the rest so that they do not repeat this behavior in the future…Zexion!" Maleficent called.

Her lackey appeared from a dark portal. "Yes ma'am?"

"Another Dusk has seen fit to stick its head into an oven, and you can see the results," the witch said, gesturing to the condition the room was in. "This behavior cannot be tolerated."

"I agree," Zexion said with a nod. "I'll get right on it after we've finished fixing the security system, it went down a few hours ago thanks to a surprisingly powerful virus, and while we've managed to get it back up we're having a bit of trouble repairing all the bugs still screwing it up. I'll give you a full report of the incident and what we may have missed while the system was down before the ceremony tomorrow. In any event, a few hours forced to watch the videos of the Organization's past attempts at musical productions should be punishment enough to convince the Dusks not to try this again anytime soon. I'll let you get back to your evening, now." He quickly departed, and several janitorial Heartless and Nobodies appeared out of nowhere to begin cleaning the mess up.

"Made to hear singing?" asked a doubtful Mim. "What's so bad about that?"

"You haven't experienced true torture until you've listened to a bunch of tone-deaf Nobodies attempt to perform a musical rendition of Advent Children…" Maleficent said with a sigh, wondering for a moment if perhaps there was more to this glitch in the system than it appeared. "Ah, Kairi, there you are," Maleficent said as the real Kairi came over from the bathroom where she had just switched places with Stitch during Yuffie's distraction, looking around at all the soot covering the room in amazement, marveling at how powerful Yuffie's smoke bombs were when combined with the mindless idiocy of a Dusk. "I'm afraid you missed a rather exciting moment when the club almost caught on fire…"

"Oh, uh, I heard the alarm from the bathroom, but…ah…I _really_ had to go, so-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" the witches screamed.

"We get enough of that from Yzma," Magica said with disgust, making the old hag feel even more unloved, which she was. "We don't need to know."

"But it's so good to see you are well…and…skinny…after that enormous meal you had…" Gruntilda said with a growl, running an eye up and down Kairi's slim frame with clear envy, as did many other witches, that Kairi could so easily pack away the pounds without showing it. Maybe one of them should steal her stomach…it's not like Maleficent needed it; she only wanted the girl's heart, after all.

"Meal? Oh, right, THAT meal. Yeah, REAL good, my compliments to the chef," Kairi said, making a big show of rubbing her belly as she smiled graciously at the Tonberry head chef, who looked rather pleased by her praise.

"You _should_ compliment the chefs, for all that you put them through," Maleficent scolded. "You cleared out their entire stock of unicorn meat, and most of our Chocobo. Now they'll have to go out and butcher over a dozen live unicorns from out back to replace the stores you depleted! And the Don Chocobo will be pissed if he finds out I'm stealing still more of his flock for food right under his beak…are you all right dear, you look rather ill?"

"Um…n-no, I'm fine," said Kairi, feeling slightly ill at the thought of all those innocent unicorns and Chocobos being slaughtered just because of her 'double's' appetite. "Must be something I ate."

"That would make sense," agreed Yubaba.

"After all, you ate a _lot_ of things, not all of which are good for you," commented Peg. "Are you sure you're all right, dear?"

"Of course she is," Maleficent tutted. "In any event, I suppose I shouldn't be too annoyed, you've probably raised morale among the Tonberries significantly by giving them this opportunity to kill. They'll just _love_ butchering and slaughtering those helpless, innocent creatures, killing them in the most _excruciating_ ways as they torture them to death, squealing joyfully as their victims scream their throats out in unimaginable agony when their intestines are unreeled from their still-living forms, the chef's knives _stabbing_ and _gutting_ and _cutting_ and _ripping_ and _tearing_ and…" Maleficent blinked as Kairi turned as green as Gruntilda or Elphaba and ran for the bathroom, clutching her mouth. "Did I say something?"

"She looks like she's going to be sick. No, no doubts about it," commented Lady Bane as they heard Kairi retching from the bathroom.

"Well, she did say something she ate was disagreeing with her," Atropos said sympathetically.

"The poor dear. You don't suppose she's _bulimic,_ do you?" suggested a concerned Atropos.

The witches looked alarmed at this thought, for it was well known that organs harvested from a bulimic were less than perfect and had the potential to be disastrous when used in dark magical formulas or surgically implanted to replace failing organs in an old witch. "It would explain a lot though, wouldn't it," the Wicked Witch of the Waste mused.

Wuya nodded. "Yes, how she was able to consume all that food…"

"And maintain her figure by vomiting it back up," agreed Elphaba.

"I suppose that explains all her behavior, then," Yzma said idly. "You know, _I_ was bulimic once-"

"WE DON'T CARE!" everyone yelled at her.

"The poor thing," Peg said sadly.

"Indeed," said Maleficent, calculating on what sort of effect this might have on Kairi's heart. The split personality thing was bad enough, but bulimia?! Princesses of Heart were supposed to be pure, yes, but honestly, wasn't this overdoing it a bit? She turned her concern away from how this latest development would affect her plots when a Heartless waiter came over, carrying the bill for all the munny she and her guests owed the club for this night's meal and entertainment on a tray. "Ah, thank you," she said, picking it up to glance at it. She flinched when she saw the final amount due. "My father will take care of this," she said quickly, handing the bill back. "He should have left a note in advance to that effect, I believe, if you'd just go check?"

The waiter did. He and the maitr'd came back shortly with the check and said note, which caused Maleficent to groan in exasperation as she read it. "'Dear baby-girl, sorry I couldn't pay for your meal for reasons I shall not deign to explain, so instead I hired that bunch of hot male strippers who entertained you for most of the evening. Pay you back next time. Love, Mastah S." She sighed and destroyed the note in green flame. "That's what he does at _every_ party he's been supposed to pay for…cursed old man!"

"Well, he does have an _awful_ lot of children," Mirage pointed out. "If he paid for one of you, all of them would be clamoring to get him to lend them munny, and even his nearly infinite coffers would run out eventually."

"I suppose that would explain why his wallet's actually a living organism with a mouth that devours any hand that tries to take munny from it but his," Maleficent admitted. "Oh well, I suppose you all will have to pay, then."

There was a long pause at this. "Wait, what?!" Nimue shrieked.

"Well," Maleficent said with a sinister grin. "This party was thrown in _my_ favor for _my _wedding tomorrow. Therefore, it befits all of you, as my guests, to pay for the evening in my place. And if you don't, then none of you will get a piece of my wedding cake, and I will deliberately throw the wedding bouquet towards, let me see…" Maleficent scanned the room, quickly spotting the nearby 'good' girls, who were unhappily cleaning themselves off with magic or elbow grease, whichever was available to them. "…Daisy Duck. Yes, Daisy! Which means she'll get married before any of you do."

There was a gasp of horror from this at the single witches. "But that's preposterous!" Toxica protested. "Donald Duck will _never_ marry her; he's more chicken than duck when it comes to that kind of commitment, just like most men!"

"Well, that'll just make your own chances for happiness even slimmer, now won't it?" Maleficent said smugly.

Grumbling angrily, but not really having a choice, the witches reluctantly pulled out their wallets (even the ones who were married or already in a relationship, since they wanted that cake) only to find…

"Hey, I'm broke!"

"Me too!"

"How the heck did that happen?"

To the horror of all the witches, all of their munny was gone! That would happen to be because Yuffie had emptied their wallets either earlier or during the distraction caused by her smoke bombs, adding to the cash to her growing reserves, though she left their credit cards. She didn't need them. Not anymore…

"Well, that's peculiar…" said a puzzled Hecate. "Could have sworn I left the Underworld with at least a few hundred munny…"

"I guess we must have left it all at home," said a disgruntled Gruntilda (ha!).

"Or given it all to those handsome strippers," Clotho suggested. "Though I don't quite remember giving them that much…" They frowned and looked around suspiciously for the strippers, who were conspicuously nowhere to be found.

"I'll have Zexion track them down," said a frowning Maleficent. "And see if they happened to take your munny. Assuming you all didn't happen to give them too much, that is, or simply had less with you than you did to begin with." She was about to call him then and there, but then remembered he was still trying to repair the security systems with his team, and that it would be much easier to locate the missing strippers once their eyes and ears throughout the city were working properly again, so it would probably be best not to pull Zexion away from that vital job again until she got back to the castle and could start looking into things on her own, as well. She'd also have to grill her father about just where he'd hired those men from, anyway…

"I'm almost certain I had at least two thousand munny left after the fifty I gave that one young man…" said a suspicious Yubaba. "I know I had more, I wouldn't be able to run a bathhouse at my age if I didn't keep good track of my gold! That scoundrel must have stolen it when I wasn't looking!"

"Or perhaps Jafar did something," Mirage suggested to Maleficent. "Maybe he found a loophole in your wish that allowed him to remove our munny."

Maleficent frowned, not liking the implications of that, for it either meant that her father had for some reason hired kleptomaniac dancers (not that she'd put it past him to do that), or Jafar had found a way to cause her trouble despite what she had thought were ironclad terms in her wish. "I'll check on it," she said, resolving to do that as well. "In the meantime, though, a number of you _do_ still happen to have credit cards, don't you? Which means you can still pay for the meal." The witches glared at her. However, she had a point, and they still wanted that cake! And a chance at the bouquet, of course. So, reluctantly, they handed their cards over to the waiter, who left with them and the bill…

Only to come back moments later with the report that every one of them was over their credit limit, due to Yuffie's memorizing their account numbers when she had gone through their pockets earlier and charging all of her, Kairi, and Pistol's purchases to it. Needless to say, this was not received well.

"This is preposterous!" Morgan le Fay howled in fury.

"Impossible…it's every woman's worst nightmare!" said a horrified Ultimecia.  
"I haven't spent _that_ much lately…have I?" wondered an anxious Matoya.

Magica moaned. "Oh, where's that lucky Number One Dime when I need it?!" All the witches anxiously started reviewing their most recent purchases and credit uses, wondering if they had really needed to spend so much on THIS ingredient or THAT outfit and so on and so forth.

"You should all be more careful with your munny," Maleficent lectured them.

"Apparently," Rita said glumly. "Because…" She paused. A wicked gleam formed in her and everyone else's eyes.

"Because," said Lady Bane. "You're the only one left. So you have to pay."

Maleficent paled. "N-now, wait a moment-"

"I'm sorry, but it doesn't look like you have a choice," Mirage said apologetically. "All of us are spent, so that just leaves you."

"Ah…well…I suppose that's the case," Maleficent said miserably. "Unless…Peg! Would you happen to-"

"Sorry witch, but you're out of luck," Peg said triumphantly. "I left my wallet at home since I knew my daughter would inevitably steal it and use it for very expensive purposes if I took it with me." Little did she know that Pistol had stolen it anyway and had also used up all her mother's pocket munny and charged her credit cards to the limit. She would NOT be happy when she received the latest bill from the credit company…

Maleficent sighed despondently, her shoulders slumping so quickly a startled Diablo almost fell off. "Very well," she said, caving in. She took out her wallet, found that either Jafar or the strippers must have taken her munny too, and handed her credit card to the waiter. He took it away…

And came back, to inform her that this card was over its limit as well. "WHAT?!" Maleficent shrieked in disbelief.

"You should be more careful with your munny," the Fates sneered, leering at Maleficent with their single eye.

"This…this can't be right!" Maleficent denied. "I haven't used my card that much…there must be a mistake!" But the Heartless shook its head and informed her that there was no mistake, she was over her limit. "Then…here, try my other cards. Surely I can't have reached my limit on all of them!" She desperately thrust all her credit cards, of which there were more than a few, into the waiter's claws. Her anxiety turned to sheer horror when he returned to let her know that all of these cards were at their limit, too. The world nearly fell out from beneath the witch's feet as she heard this news. "No…no…how could this be? I thought I was so careful with my spending…how can this be happening?! Damn you Jafar, or whoever has caused this disastrous financial calamity to occur! You shall pay for meddling with the Mistress of all Evil's finances!"

"They're still waiting," said Mim anxiously.

"Why do you need to pay them, anyway?" one of the Sanderson sisters asked. "They're semi-mindless heart-eating monsters!"

"Well, they don't actually _use_ the munny for anything," Maleficent admitted. "But they do like eating it."

They stared at her. "Heartless…_eat_…munny?!" Peg said incredulously. "I thought they ate hearts!"

"Oh, they do," Maleficent said. "But they eat munny too, occasionally. Since munny is hoarded by those whose hearts are filled with greed, it has some sort of distant association with hearts and darkness, and it seems to be enough for Heartless to decide it's good enough to eat now and then. Why else do you think they often drop munny when they are defeated?"

"But why should you pay them? You command them! You run this whole city!" Elphaba said. "You can get away with anything!"

"Oh, I could," Maleficent admitted. "But the Heartless would be rather pissy about if I skipped out on a bill even if I _am_ their ruler…and that could make things very difficult later. They are very good at holding grudges."

"Can't you just conjure munny or something from thin air?" Mirage asked.

"Don't be preposterous!" Maleficent snapped. "That would ruin this city's economy!"

"Well, you may have to," the feline pointed out. "Because otherwise…well…we may need to exit in a hurry."

Maleficent turned around and saw that their table was surrounded by several dozen annoyed Heartless of many varieties, and more than a few Tonberries, looking annoyed that they weren't receiving what was owed them. The chefs were sharpening their knives threateningly, and didn't look as if they were going to let a little thing like Maleficent being their ruler or the Truce spell get in their way of collecting on their debt. Diablo squawked anxiously and clawed his mistress' shoulder, frightened at the thought of being turned into crow stew, and Wuya's familiar Jack Spicer shat himself in fright. "Ah. Yes. I suppose you'll be wanting your munny. Well…" Maleficent scanned the room anxiously. She caught Queen Minnie's eye and gave her an imploring look, but the disheveled mouse smugly held up her wallet and turned it over, revealing that it was empty too, as was those of everyone else at her table. And Maleficent had the sneaking suspicion their credit cards were over their limit, too. She was starting to think there was a conspiracy afoot…and wondered if perhaps the virus that had caused the security grid to shut down had something to do with all this, too. She would have to have Zexion investigate deeper into the matter once he had finished repairing the system, and see if she couldn't make a few inquiries of her own…this did not bode well. Of course, she had to pay her disgruntled employees first, which was a bit of a problem since everyone seemed to be broke…

Fortunately, it was at that moment that a slightly pale Kairi emerged from the bathroom. "Ah! Princess!" Maleficent glided over to the girl, not bothering to hide the relief in her voice. "How fortuitous of you to return at this moment! We require your assistance!"

Kairi started, frightened by the dark fairy's sudden looming over her. "Wh-what?!"

"You see," Maleficent crooned. "Due to some unlucky twist of fate, all of us are momentarily broke. But _you_ wouldn't mind being a good Samaritan and paying our bill, would you?" She gave Kairi her most beatific smile, which would make babies cry.

"Let me guess," Kairi said with a sigh. "You'll destroy my world if I don't."

"Precisely."

"Fine, fine…how much?" The Heartless waiter from before handed her the bill. The girl's eyes widened. She swallowed hard. Namine, who had mostly recovered by now, whistled incredulously at the amount. Slowly, she pulled out her wallet, praying that Yuffie had stolen its contents (again) like she had everyone else's.

No such luck. All her munny was still there. In fact, there was more of it there from before; the ninja girl apparently struck by an uncharacteristic moment of generosity and deciding to sneak Kairi some more cash before they had parted ways. Oddly enough, it was _just_ enough to pay for the evening. How _very_ convenient…

_Namine, remind me to kill Yuffie later,_ Kairi told her 'sister'.

_But she got us such nice gifts! Including that super-expensive art set for me!_ Namine pointed out.

_She also got us kinky seductive lingerie in our size when we weren't looking, one for _each_ of us,_ Kairi pointed out. _And seeing as she's Yuffie, I very highly doubt that she guessed what size to get. Oh yes, and she also got us a set of videotapes on 'How to Better your Relationship with your Significant Other through S&M', something which apparently she thinks we need most desperately._

…_Oh my,_ said an embarrassed Namine.

_Yeah. The word 'privacy' means absolutely nothing to Yuffie. And that is why she must die._ Out loud, Kairi sighed and paid the waiter, cheering the Heartless up immensely and removing the tension from the air. It also made Kairi flat broke for the time being. She had known she would end up paying the price for taking part in Yuffie's antics, but somehow she never thought she would be paying _literally_. Oh well, she couldn't say it hadn't been fun, and they had gotten lots of nice clothes and other items which were being surreptitiously delivered back to the islands through secret and undetectable means known only to ninjas at that moment…assuming Yuffie didn't steal some of them, that is. Which she might. All the more reason to kill her later, then. Especially since she was certain that poor Peg's life would be even harder once Pistol started using some of the techniques Yuffie had taught her during their excursion in earnest.

And speaking of Pistol… "Hello, Mother," the mammal girl thing said from right next to Peg, causing her to scream and jump in fright.

"Waaahh! Pistol?! What are you doing here? And how did you get here?!" Peg cried in alarm. "No! Don't open your eyes baby, you're not meant to see-"

"What? A dirty club covered in soot and a bunch of grotesque really really really old people?" Pistol asked curiously, peering around at the witches, who growled at the insult and started mentally carving her up for organs and other spell components. (Many of them were much, much older than eighty, anyway)

"Ah…well…it was much worse earlier!" Peg said lamely, for all the male strippers had vanished after the fire, hence why Maleficent would need to have Zexion investigate them.

"I see," Pistol said skeptically, folding her arms and giving her mother a stern glare. "And supposedly THIS was good enough reason to handcuff me to the toilet?"

There were gasps from behind them. Peg flinched as Queen Minnie, along with the other high-ranking not-evil women, came over. "Did I just hear that right?!" Daisy said angrily. "Did you handcuff her to the toilet?!"

"What sort of person would do that?!" asked a furious Queen Garnet, who had rather vivid memories of her own mother trying to capture and kill her before dying herself at the hands of her treacherous weapons dealer.

"Uh, well, you see-" Peg stammered.

"Oh, it's all right, she does it all the time," Pistol said with the air of someone knowing they were getting another into deep, deep trouble and loving every minute of it. "Sometimes she locks me in the stuffy airless attic, too. Or in the dark basement. Usually whenever her friends come over or she has a party or something. Sometimes she even forgets about me and I have to sleep there all night until she remembers to let me out!"

"Th-that's not true!" Peg said shrilly. "I've never left-"

"Peg, I believe we need to have a talk," Queen Minnie said coolly.

"B-but Your Majesty, she's _lying_, I don't-"

"Did you or did you not handcuff your daughter to a toilet in the bathroom here?" the royal mouse asked.

Peg's face went pale. "Um…well…yes…"

"And have you or have you not done similar things on previous occasions?"

"I…yes, but only to keep her from harming herself or others! She's extremely dangerous when left unsupervised and uncontrolled!" Peg protested. "That's why I have to leave her locked up whenever I leave her home, because if I brought her with me she would cause untold chaos and destruction!"

"Oh my," said a shocked Cinderella.

"You neglect her, too?!" asked a horrified Belle.

"That's…that's horrible! What kind of mother are you!?" challenged an angry Elastigirl, who was also a mother to difficult children but had never been tempted to resort to such restrictive measures, the other women echoing her sentiments.

"That's quite outrageous," said a displeased Mary Poppins. "If she was that much trouble, you should have requested the services of an individual like myself rather than chaining your daughter up somewhere out of the way. But it looks like its too late for that, and now you must pay the consequences."

"Any mother who treats a child like that is no friend of Fairyworld," agreed the Fairy Queen.

"It-it's not like that!" Peg said desperately.

"That's right, it's not," Pistol agreed, interrupting before Peg could explain that every attempt to hire a babysitter had ended horribly and now her house was at the top of the Babysitter Union's blacklist. "My mother loves me very much, which is why she tries to keep me from going outdoors as much as possible and signed me up for homeschooling so I don't have to interact with other children my own age."

There were more gasps. "Oh my!" Alice cried.

"It's okay though," Pistol continued. "I'm not lonely. I have lots of friends! Like my dog Chainsaw, and Mr. Tarantula and Whitey the Underpants and Mr. Pepper shaker, with his wife Mrs. Salt shaker and his daughter Paprika! And I always have the television to keep my company when they don't."

"What?! No, none of that is true! You go outside all the time, and have plenty of friends, like…um…" Peg wracked her mind frantically, unable to recall a single name. "Oh dear."

The numerous very powerful women glared at Peg angrily. "Honey," Aerith said sweetly, kneeling to look Pistol in the eye. "Would you like to go get some ice cream while my friends here have a word with your mother?"

Pistol blinked dumbly. "Ice…cream? What's that?"

Aerith's heart wept for the poor deprived thing, not realizing how she and the others were being played like a well-tuned fiddle, which Pistol also happened to be good at playing, interestingly enough. "Well, I'll get you some, and you'll see for yourself," the flower girl told Pistol.

Pistol smiled sunnily. "Okeydokey!"

"But…wherever can we find ice cream in a place like this?" Aerith wondered.

"No problem!" Yuffie dropped down from where she had been hanging out of notice on the ceiling, landing next to a startled Aerith and Pistol, who acted as if she had never seen the ninja before. "I know exactly where to find some!"

Aerith blinked. "Yuffie? Weren't you supposed to get Kairi and bring her over to our table? Which you never did and vanished instead?"

Yuffie blinked. "Ohhhh, is _that_ what I was supposed to do?" She made a show of scratching her head and Pistol giggled. "I plum forgot. Knew I was missing something…"

Aerith sighed. "Why am I not surprised? All right girls, let's go. Queen Minnie, Tifa, everyone, we'll be back soon."

"Don't hurry back on our account," the Queen said without taking her eyes off of a sweating Peg. "Pistol's mother and I…and everyone else…have a little _talking_ to do. Isn't that right, girls?"

"Yes, it certainly is," said Tifa, cracking her knuckles.

"And it could take…quite a while," said Kikida of Atlantis, raising her Spear of Destiny. "So take all the time you want. We won't be done anytime soon."

"No," agreed Elastigirl. "We most certainly won't."

"All right. Let's go girls," said Aerith, taking Yuffie and Pistol's hands and walking towards the exit.

"Bye! Have fun!" Yuffie said, waving back at the other women and smirking at Kairi, who was forced to remind herself it would look bad to kill Yuffie in public. She'd have to wait a little longer, it seemed.

"Goodbye, Mother! Back soon!" Pistol said, waving at Peg. She and Yuffie shared sinister grins and winks as they left, their ruse well-played.

"Now," Minnie said calmly as she and the other ladies turned their attention back to the trembling Peg. "I think we were about to have a little chat, weren't we?"

The witches chortled with glee as the ladies physically dragged a screaming and protesting Peg over to the kitchen, past disgruntled Tonberries, so they could have their 'chat' in the alley outside. Maleficent and Kairi blinked, not sure what to make of all this. "Hmm. Well, that was…peculiar," the dark fairy said after a moment. "I had no idea that woman did such things to her children. Unless the little girl was lying…"

"Um, I think she was. Partly. I hope," Kairi said, not that certain. She wasn't really sure what to do about this, she was well aware that Peg was about to be unfairly punished for things that were…well, _mostly_ if not completely true, but…well, after seeing what Pistol could do during their little excursion she wasn't sure that Peg's actions weren't unwarranted. Still…handcuffing _was_ a bit much, wasn't it?

"Well, in any event, we should probably be heading back to the castle," Maleficent said, changing the subject. "I'll leave transportation behind for the 'good' delegates when they're finished getting ice cream or pummeling Peg."

"You think they're pummeling her?!" said an alarmed Kairi, now feeling even more certain she should have said something…which would probably have resulted in Maleficent learning how she, Yuffie and Pistol had escaped for a little while, stealing all the witches' (and queens') munny and credit numbers, and wasted them all on expensive goodies in Dark City's various retail establishments, which would most certainly result in her planet being destroyed immediately. (It was a very good thing that Yuffie's mad skillz had made that virus so powerful it also altered any data regarding their purchases so that it couldn't be traced back to them…and put the full burden of the expenses owed on Maleficent and the other people from whom Yuffie had robbed. She was rather frustrated and unhappy that Yuffie had stolen from her own allies, too, but supposed it wasn't that big a surprise. It was amazing that Kairi still had a wallet at all, actually, or anything in it, before being forced to pay for dinner.)

"Well, _verbally_ most definitely, though I suppose they might feel like roughing her up a bit too," said Maleficent, looking positively pleased by that thought. "I must have Zexion get me a recording of what happens back there…after he's fixed the security system, of course…but that must wait, now we must adjourn and rest up for tomorrow. It's a big day, after all. My wedding! The event I've dragged you and everyone else here for, other than to just flaunt my power and wealth."

Prompted by Namine, Kairi asked, "Um, what exactly do you want me to do during the wedding?"

Maleficent blinked. "Hmm? Ah, yes, a fair question. I haven't quite decided yet, actually. I'll let you know tomorrow. You'll need your best outfit, of course."

Kairi looked down at her outfit. "Um, this is all I have." She had a number of other very nice outfits, actually, due to the shopping spree, but all of them were on their way back to Destiny Islands at the moment and so she had no way of reaching them.

"Oh." Maleficent frowned. "Hmm. Yes, you would, wouldn't you? I suppose I should have specified in my letter that you bring your best dress. I'll have my tailors whip something up." She paused, and then glanced at her 'guest' sidelong. "Oh, and Kairi?"

"Yes?"

"No matter what anyone else may say, no matter what you may think when you look in the mirror, you are most certainly _not_ fat. Do you understand me?"

Kairi blinked. _Huh?_ Said a confused Namine. "Um, yes?"

"Excellent. Let's go now. Ladies, if you'd please stop using the Fates' eye to watch what's happening outside and come along? I'll make a videotape of the events available after the ceremony tomorrow." Looking somewhat disappointed, but hopeful at the prospect of seeing the rest on video (or doing some more scrying in secret when they got back to their rooms), the witches followed, the Fates bickering over which one of them could use their single eyeball as usual.

"Why'd she say that?" Kairi wondered as they followed the group outside.

_We're not fat…are we?_ Asked Namine.

"I don't think so," said a perplexed Kairi, looking down at her waist. "If we were, Yuffie would have said something, wouldn't she?" That seemed to satisfy Namine. Regardless, Kairi began wondering…and worrying…

Her worrying was interrupted when, from outside, she could suddenly hear a horrified Maleficent screaming, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SHIP?!"

Kairi groaned and quickly sped up to follow the other witches outside so they wouldn't suspect her of anything. And once more she reminded herself to KILL Yuffie the next time she got her alone.

…

**ROUND 62:** **FISHING**

The next challenge took place at the eerie, serenely beautiful beach somewhere in the Realm of Darkness where Riku and Sora had somehow wound up after defeating Xemnas. Blue glowing crystalline growths jutted from black rocks which arced from the glittering sand or the water just off shore to create a small bay, rising overhead and forming rather magnificent natural formations through which the light of the large blue moon low on the horizon off in the distance shone magnificently.

Pete scratched his head, rather puzzled. "What's a moon doing in the Realm of Darkness?"

"I…don't know," admitted a confused Xehanort. "How odd, that there should be such a source of light here…there should be none at all! This is the lair of supreme darkness, how can there POSSIBLY be light here?!"

"Didn't you get the memo, dawg?" Satan asked, lying on a beach towel clad in a very revealing speedo, using a tanning mirror to shine the moonlight on his face as his gorgeous demon whores lathered him up and massaged him, doing the same for each other and a number of very happy moonbathing Heartless in an extremely sensual and orgasmic display that got the male spectators moaning longingly and painfully. "Kingdom Hearts is light! And other stuff."

"BLASPHEMY!" Xehanort bellowed. Satan glared at him, and he suddenly broke into a cold sweat without quite knowing why. "Er, I-I mean, are you certain, Lord Satan? I thought-"

"Stop worrying your pretty girly head over it," Satan advised Xehanort. "It's none o' your concern at the moment, dawg. You'll understand in time…then again, maybe not. No skin off my nose."

"But you don't have a nose," said a confused Moliarty, whom Satan was using as a neck pillow.

"…Shut up, dawg. Mole. Whatever the hell you are."

"So, what kind of ridiculous challenge did you drag us all the way out here for?" Negaduck sneered. "Swimming? Seashell collecting? Sandcastle building? Who can do the best 'Baywatch' slow-motion run?"

"Fishing," Satan announced. "And both o' these suckas would stink at the slow-mo run anyway, my girls have _everyone_ beat in that category." His demonesses nodded and giggled at this, and he smirked and smacked one on the ass to cop a feel, which she seemed to enjoy quite a lot more than most women would.

"Fishing?!" Pete, Xehanort, and all the spectators asked incredulously.

"That's right, fishing!" called a voice from behind them. They turned around to see the many-armed Gilgamesh standing proudly atop one of the arcing rock spurs, he and his dog Enkidu backlit by the beautiful blue moon. "To win, one of you must beat my record! For I am not only the greatest warrior who ever lived, I am also the greatest fisherman! Behold!" He raised a fishing rod in one hand. "The legendary fishing rod, Matamune! With this, I caught a fish weighing nearly 3000 pounds just an hour ago!"

"Wow! Not bad!" an impressed Pete whistled, as did the few other villains with some experience in fishing.

"There are fish in this ocean? Mmm…" Shaga licked his lips hungrily, drooling at the thought of such a large meal.

"If you _really_ caught a fish that big, where is it now?" asked a suspicious Vayne.

"Ah…right over there," Gilgamesh said, pointing behind them.

They turned around to see a rather large purple octopus with slitted red eyes and large yellow fangs splayed in a comical grin. It was maybe half again as large as Satan, who was himself a pretty big man. "Hello," the octopus said timidly, waving a tentacle. "Uh, how you doing?"

"Huh," commented Zurg. "That's…well, that's an interesting catch."

"Yeah, for one thing that's an OCTOPUS, not a FISH, duh," said an irritated Hades.

"Well, it's still seafood and Gilgamesh caught it, so I suppose it counts…" Igthorn speculated.

"I could probably make a good amount serving him as a dish at one of my restaurants…" Glomgold mused. "Or an aquarium. Or perhaps one of those aquatic parks with live animal shows…"

"Hmm…too bad I'm not into seafood," Oogie commented, admiring Ultros' size and weight.

"Great, and the talking eel that follows Mozenrath around isn't enough sentient sea life for us?" grumbled Hook, causing the sorcerer to frown.

"Sir Gilgamesh, may I have the pleasure of devouring your catch?" Shaga asked hungrily.

"Eeep! Y-you can't eat me, I'm Ultros, octopus royalty!" protested the terrified octopus, wiggling its tentacles in fright. "Y-you wouldn't really eat royalty, do you?"

"I'm an emperor," Shaga said calmly. "Which means I trump whatever you are all the time. And I ate my sire, as is the way among we Sharkanians, so I have no problem devouring a royal worm such as yourself." Prince John panicked as he heard this, for that meant Shaga would have no qualms eating him either, and started sucking his thumb in terror.

"Eeeek!" Ultros screamed, shivering and trying to shield himself with his tentacles.

"Halt!" Gilgamesh commanded, drawing one of his many swords, the moonlight shining off its blade and right into Shaga's eyes, causing him to flinch and back away. "Ultros is under my protection! When I caught him, I originally planned to feed him to Enkidu, but he made such a moving (and to be honest, rather pathetic) plea that I promised to spare him if he agreed to become my sidekick."

"Sidekick?!" the villains asked in disbelief.

"Oh come on, he's an octopus!" Negaduck protested. "Why would you want a spineless wimp like him for a sidekick?!"

"Among other things, he has many arms, just like myself," Gilgamesh explained, sheathing his sword. "Therefore, we have a kinship. And so he stays safe with me."

"A sidekick…gee, I sure have a tendency to go down in the world, don't I?" UItros muttered. "Oh well, least it's better than being a coliseum receptionist."

"Curses," Shaga growled in disappointment at losing a meal. "Oh well, I'll just eat whatever catches are acquired in this contest."

"Speaking of which, can we talk about that again?" Xehanort implored. "I mean, really. We have to _fish_?!"

"Sure! Why not, it's just as random as the other challenges, isn't it?" Pete asked.

"But…I don't know _how_ to fish," Xehanort said weakly, furious with himself for this failing.

Pete laughed loudly and openly. "Well, looks like the all-knowing seeker of darkness _doesn't_ know everything after all, does he? Looks like I got this challenge beat!"

"You know how to fish." It was a statement, not a question.

"Sure! Took my boy PJ out on the lake back home all the time! You know, regular father-son bonding thing," Pete boasted.

"I never had a father," Xehanort said bitterly. "And while Ansem the Wise bonded with me, we never went fishing."

"Tough luck," said Pete, not the least bit sympathetic.

Captain Hook provided the two fishermen with a boat (How he got it there, nobody knew) that they could use to row out to sea and start fishing. Shaga, as a creature of the deep, gave Pete and Xehanort an assortment of live bait they could use to lure in fish, secretly slipping Pete a special lure that he swore would be guaranteed to attract the biggest catch in the seas. "Even I've found myself biting on it sometimes just from looking at it," the shark emperor confessed to Pete as the cat-man-thing examined the sparkling gaudy thing suspiciously. "I don't know why, there's just something…about…it…" Shaga trailed off, staring at the lure. His pupils swelled, his mouth yawned open, and he lunged at Pete's hand.

"Waaahhh!" Pete quickly stumbled back and tripped on a rock, falling to the sand.

Shaga blinked, snapping out of it. "What? Oh, it happened again, didn't it? Like I was saying, I think it might be enchanted to do that."

"No kidding," Pete said wordlessly, hiding the lure from Shaga's eyesight so he would not be tempted to do that again.

"A word of warning, though," Shaga told Pete as an unhappy Xehanort clambered onto the boat, wobbling a bit and nearly falling out due to his lack of 'sea legs'. "As I said, the lure attracts the biggest fish around. And I _mean_ the biggest. So be careful when you use it, because there's no telling that you'll be able to catch the fish…and every possibility in the world that _it_ will catch _you_."

Pete swallowed, taking this news to heart, and then climbed into the boat, sitting down next to Xehanort. The entire boat sank a bit lower on one side due to his weight, causing Xehanort to unwillingly slide down the plank bench both were sitting on and bump into Pete. "Hey, quit it! Stop crowding me, haven't you ever heard of personal space?!" Xehanort glared at Pete hatefully. Thankfully, the boat leaned back to normal (slightly) as Judge Doom climbed in to join them, allowing Xehanort to shift as far away from Pete as he could, which wasn't very far. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm coming with you to examine the way you catch your fish," Doom explained. "Proper measuring equipment will be set up on shore while we're out at sea, so I won't be judging your fish's size and weight just yet, but I will be making sure you don't cheat in the methods by which you catch your fish."

"How can you cheat when catching fish?" asked a doubtful Xehanort.

"By using the powers of darkness or special lures to draw fish to you," Judge Doom told them. "Or by using drugged bait to entice the fish."

"Oh," said a disappointed Xenahort, realizing he couldn't use his only advantage without getting disqualified. Pete glanced anxiously at his own lure. It wasn't a special lure…was it? Then again, it had some kind of magic, which was probably against the rules. He considered asking Doom if the lure was okay, then decided against it, worried he might count it illegal and confiscate it. Pete slipped the lure into a pocket, deciding he'd try fishing the old-fashioned way before resorting to enchantments. He'd make sure to slip the lure on when Doom wasn't watching, and remove it from his catch before the judge could look too carefully.

The trio set out to sea, each fisher to an oar, although Xehanort had a bit of difficulty since he had never rowed a boat before, which resulted in the boat turning significantly from Pete's strokes until the seeker had the brilliant idea of drawing upon his host body's knowledge of rowing to keep the boat moving at an even keel. With that knowledge in action, the boat quickly moved beneath the arch formed by the soaring rock fingers and out to sea, leaving the beach behind.

"So, what do we do now?" Zurg asked.

"We wait," said Mozenrath.

"Wait?!" Abis Mal protested. "But that'll be BORING!"

"The balding idiot is right," pointed out Negaduck. "What are we gonna do while we wait for those three idiots to come back?"

"Watch the succubi?" suggested Oogie.

They considered this. Then, they turned as one to look at the demonesses, who were either massaging Satan (or each other), moonbathing, dancing erotically, making out (and more) with each other or a number of the Heartless, or constructing the scales they'd use to weigh the fish Pete and Xehanort brought back against Ultros. And doing it all while showing off as much flesh and other things as inhumanly possible. They started drooling.

"An _excellent_ idea, laddy," said Glomgold, cackling like the lecherous old man he was.

"Man, why can't _my_ demon babes be nearly as hot as Satan's?!" Hades asked enviously.

"Do, do you think that they'd, ah, be interested in, ah, e-entertaining us?" Duke Igthorn stammered, finding it hard to keep from swooning.

"Oh boyyyyys!" the demons called.

"I think that answers that question!" Hook crowed. "Come on lads, last one to get laid is as lame as Prince John!"

"Mommy, help me!" John wailed, curled up into a ball and sobbing. "Little Prince John is all stiff and hu-ur-urting me!"

They all stared at the lion in disgust. "Even I'm not that lame," said Abis Mal, kicking the prince and feeling gratified at being superior to another being for once. "Come on, let's go have sex!"

And so they did, even Gaston.

Gilgamesh, in the meantime, was standing dramatically atop the rock formation and staring out to sea with his many arms folded across his chest and his demon dog beside him. "Ha! Those fools don't stand a chance of breaking my record!" the warrior/fisherman boasted. "For I am Gilgamesh, and cannot be defeated! Wahahahaha!" Enkidu barked happily and tackled Gilgamesh, causing both of them to fall off the rock and into the sea. "Waaaaahhhh!"

SPLASH!

"ULTROS, AID YOUR MASTER!" Gilgamesh screamed, thrashing about helplessly in the water as Enkidu swam to shore, his robes and swords weighing him down. "I CANNOT SWIM! RESCUE ME!"

"But…oh!" Ultros glanced longingly at the extremely attractive women, sighed in disappointment at the opportunity lost, and started squirming towards the water. "Yes, Sir Gilgamesh…" Enkidu clambered onto the beach, shook himself off and sending water everywhere, then bit one of Ultros' tentacles playfully. "YeeeOW!" he howled, wrenching the limb from the mutt, who barked loudly. "Damn dog." Maybe staying a receptionist wouldn't have been so bad after all…

Pete and Xehanort rowed out in silence, the boat rising and falling with the waves, until the beach they had left behind was no more than a thin line near the horizon and the luscious demon women could no longer be seen. "I think this is a good enough place," Doom said as the two would-be fishermen stopped rowing, panting and mopping sweat from their bows. "Ready your gear, gentlemen."

They did. Drawing on experience (or more of Riku's memories), both competitors took the fishing rods that had been provided for them, attached lures baited with wriggling mealworms or other rather gross-looking things, and cast their lines out to sea on opposite sides of the boat. The lures hit the water with tiny splashes and sunk into the ocean, the lines going slack. And then they waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

"Why aren't the fish biting?" Xehanort complained, shaking his rod in frustration and causing the lure far away to wiggle a bit, hopefully in an enticing manner.

"Well, fishing is a sport of patience," Pete told him. "Fish won't come swimming to you just because you're here. You've got to wait a while, earn their trust. And then they will come."

"…Earn their trust?! They're FISH!" Xehanort snapped. "They don't have enough brains to conceive of something like trust!"

"Tell that to Shaga, and see how long your head stays on your shoulders," Pete advised Xehanort, who grunted noncommittally.

So they continued waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Judge Doom yawned. Pete yawned. Xehanort blinked dully, lulled into drowsiness by the gentle rocking of their boat and the endless stretch of nothing occupying their time. His eyes slowly began to close of their own volition…

And suddenly he felt the rod in his hands vibrate as the line went taut. "I have something!" he cried, snapped back to wakefulness.

"Hey, me too!" Pete howled joyfully. "Didn't I tell you? Patience is the way to go!"

"Yes, yes, and let's see if my patience has rewarded me with a fish large enough to guarantee me a victory!" Xehanort said, quickly reeling his line in.

"Not if I get it first, bub!" Pete retorted, reeling his in too. It gave him some resistance, though, and the rod was almost jerked out of his hands. "Whoo, this is a big one!"

"Yes, but mine's bigger!" Xehanort claimed, using his darkness-enhanced strength to keep a good handle on his rod as he continued pulling in his line, fighting against the prey that was struggling to get loose.

The boat actually seemed to rock back and forth a bit, startling Doom as both fishermen tried their hardest to capture their prey. The more they reeled in the line, the harder it became, for their fish would pull more and more in a bid for freedom. The rocking became more and more violent, and suddenly Pete cried and fell out of the boat, pulled over the edge by the ridiculous strength of the fish, and vanished into the water with a tremendous splash. Xehanort cackled triumphantly even as the water soaked his hair and the back of his coat, for while his line remained taut most of the struggle had gone out of it, and he was rapidly pulling his prey in. "Haha! It looks like I win this round…" He stopped, blinking dumbly at what he had caught. "Pete?!"

Pete, sopping wet, was bobbing in the water before him, still holding onto his fishing rod, whose line was wrapped around Xehanort's. "Nice going, you idjit," he snapped. "Our lines musta gotten tangled underwater!"

"Then…the fish was you all along?!" Xehanort cried incredulously.

"Yeah, and you were mine! It was nothing more than a damn game of fishing tug-and-war!" Pete snapped, swimming over to the boat and clambering back into it, almost overturning it and causing it to heave back and forth a bit due to his weight before finally settling down, though Judge Doom became rather seasick in the process. "And now all that commotion's probably scared the real fish away!"

"Yes, they probably fled when they got a whiff of your body odor," Xehanort sneered. "Oh well, at least one positive thing came of this."

"What's that?"

"I've certainly beaten Gilgamesh's record now."

It took a moment for Pete to understand what Xehanort meant. "Hey! For one thing, I'm not a fish. For another, I don't weigh over three thousand pounds!"

"Really? Could have fooled me!" cackled Xehanort. Pete glared at him hatefully and muttered vile threats under his breath as he untangled the lines. They then switched lures, reset the bait, and cast their lines out again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And still, they got no sign of fish, not even a nibble. What felt like hours passed, though it was hard to tell since the blue moon in the distance never rose or fell from its eternal position. Judge Doom was snoring now. Xehanort stifled a yawn, seriously considering using the powers of darkness while the judge wasn't looking. He began to glow with dark energy…

And Doom jerked in his sleep, coughing, nearly waking up. Startled, Xehanort let his power dispel. Doom settled back to slumber. Xehanort glared at him hatefully. He, however, was not the only one who thought this would be the perfect time to take advantage of the judge's inattention. Pete glanced at Doom, then slowly and quietly reeled his line in, as if to switch lures and bait and try another one, as he and Xehanort had done many times since they got out here. However, this lure was going to be a _very_ special one. An almost illegally special one, some might say.

He quietly pulled Shaga's gift out of his pocket, attached it to his line, baited it, and tossed it out to sea again. The lure hit the water with an almost inaudible splash, the baited hook sinking into the water as the float it was attached to bobbed on the surface. He waited a moment, eager expression on his face, for something to happen. Nothing did. He frowned, and then recalled his own words about being patient, so sighed and sat back to wait. After a while he fell prey to the lull of the waves as well and began to drowse off.

It was some time later when he was snapped back to wakefulness, not by a tug on the lure, but by Xehanort shaking his shoulder. "Pete! Pete! Wake up, something strange is happening!"

"I was just resting my eyes!" Pete snapped reflexively as he yawned, rubbed his eyes, and looked around. "What happened? You finally get a bite?"

"Not precisely."

Pete blinked. There was something wrong with Xehanort's voice, it sounded too tense, almost…worried? What would give the seeker of darkness concern?

Pete looked over the side of the boat and saw it immediately. The water around their little craft was bubbling, and every few moments the body of some grotesque, twisted, hideous thing with too many eyes or mouths or tendrils or other disgusted body parts breached the surface of the water and lay there as the bubbles caressed it, quite dead. Some of the abominations were almost as large as the boat, but that didn't keep them from being any less dead and rotting. "O…kay, that's never happened before," said an alarmed Pete.

Judge Doom, who had been awakened by the bubbling, looked around anxiously. "All right," he said. "What did you two do?!"

"Nothing," both of them said instantly. They glanced at each other.

"I didn't use the power of darkness to try and entice some impressive catch to emerge from the depths," Xehanort claimed.

"And I didn't use any special lures to do the same thing. Nope, no sir," Pete stammered anxiously.

Judge Doom glared at both of them in exasperation. "Well, under the circumstances, I'd say that BOTH of you are guilty!" he snapped. "Now, what exactly is happening here?!"

"Well," Pete said, glancing out at the bubbling, which increased as more and more horrific forms emerged from the deep. "Water bubbling like this either means it's being heated to a boil…" He dipped a finger into the sea. "And since the water's freezing cold, I'm guessing that it's the other thing."

"Which is?" Doom asked anxiously.

Pete swallowed. "Um…something's coming from down below. Something BIG."

Doom put his face in his hands. "Nice going!" Xehanort hissed at Pete.

"Hey, you did the exact same thing!" Pete protested.

Before they could indulge in a full-blown blame game, something positively terrifying occurred. The things that should never see the light of day stirred. Their mouths fell open, their dead eyes bulging and staring straight at the trio in the boat. _"He comes,"_ they rasped in tongues not intended for human mouths, the voices ringing up and down through the scale of sound and causing their brains to convulse in pain. _"The Great Dead Dread One comes. He rises from R'lyeh to feast. He will devour your souls. He will shatter your minds and inflict madness and damnation upon all things. The Dread One rises._" They then began to describe, in rather exquisite detail, the unimaginable things that would happen to them once this 'Dread One' rose, which turned out to be so sickening and horrible that even Xehanort felt rather queasy upon hearing them.

"Am I the only one who thinks we should GET THE HECK out of here?!" Pete screamed.

Suddenly, the bubbling stopped. The corpses stopped their recitation, mouths still gaping. The three men in the boat tensed, glancing around nervously, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was then that Pete's fishing rod, which he had left lying against the side of the boat while they stared into the water, jerked. The float attached to the lure suddenly vanished, sinking beneath the bubbles. _Almost as if something underneath had taken hold of the lure_. The reel on the fishing rod whirred as it panned out more and more line, the unseen thing pulling the lure deeper into the water. Without thinking, Pete grabbed the rod, got a grip on the handle of the reel, and, struggling, tried to wind it back in.

"What are you doing?!" a horrified Doom cried.

"Catching the biggest fish of my life," Pete said. "What do you think?"

Xehanort and Doom gaped in disbelief. "Are you _crazy_?!" Xehanort shouted at him. "Did you _not_ hear what those creatures said?!"

"Oh, yeah, that," Pete said nonchalantly. "Satan said he'd do worse to me if I hurt Maleficent's feelings or something like that. And besides, this is just what I need to beat Gilgamesh's record! Something like this has GOTTA weigh more than whatever he caught! I can feel it through the line, it's ENORMOUS!"

"Then why not just take one of these things instead?!" Doom yelled, gesturing at the gibbering, screaming corpses. "They're certainly big enough!"

"What, those? Psh! Those aren't anywhere near 3000 pounds!" Pete scoffed. "Trust an experienced fisherman when he says that THIS is the one! The one that'll win the contest and get me one step closer to marrying Maleficent!"

"And also the one that could get us all killed," Doom shuddered.

Xehanort seemed to have changed his mind, though. "If it's that big, then it rightfully belongs to me!" he said, trying to pull the rod from Pete's hands. "I deserve it more! Plus, I can sense the pure darkness radiating from this thing's form…greater than any I have ever felt before! As the seeker of darkness, I must claim it!"

"No way! It bit _my_ lure, which means it's mine!" Pete retorted, not letting go.

"It was only drawn out of the depths in the first place by my darkness, therefore it's mine!" Xehanort argued.

"Your darkness? Yeah right, more like it got attracted to my lure, and since it _bit_ my lure, the catch is mine!" Pete retorted.

As they continued to bicker and struggle over the fishing rod, neither of them noticed that the line had gone slack again or that the bubbling was starting once more. They also didn't notice the undead horrors around them start screaming at the top of their lungs in pure terror and agony. But Judge Doom did, and knew they had to get the hell out of here. Or he did, anyway. Deciding quite reasonably that if they wanted this unholy eldritch terror so much, they could have it, Doom shoved the two from behind, knocking them off the boat and into the water with a large splash which caused the corpses and boat to bob. The judge then grabbed the oars and started rowing as hard and as fast as he could away from that spot, away from the bubbles and the immense form causing them as it rose from the deep.

Pete and Xehanort's heads, spluttering and dripping, burst out of the water as Doom rowed away. "Hey!" Pete called. "Hey, come back here, you backstabber!"

"Yes, how are we supposed to get our catch back to shore if you take our boat?!" Xehanort agreed. "When I catch up to you, I'll personally extract your heart from your body and devour it myself!"

Pete's fishing rod, bobbing on the surface of the water, suddenly slipped beneath the waves and vanished. And the bubbling once more stopped. The screaming, however, did not. Neither did the tremendous dark shadow swelling up beneath them, now dimly visible through the churning water and waves, coming right towards them. The fishers' eyes widened. "You know, I'm starting to think this might have been a bad idea," Pete said.

"Likewise," agreed Xehanort just as the thing breached the surface of the ocean, displacing a tremendous amount of water and sending the wailing corpses and the two hapless men tumbling away in a great tidal wave which rushed outward, carrying them with it and overturning Doom's boat, dragging all three men under the water for a dark, timeless moment. They flailed in the water helplessly for an indeterminate time before swimming towards the surface, guided by the surprisingly dim glow of the moon, which seemed almost eclipsed somehow. They burst from the water, gasping and clawing for air, spitting out water and a little blood from their lungs.

Xehanort, seeing a wheezing Doom bobbing listlessly nearby, rushed forward in rage, intending to throttle or drown the man if he could for abandoning them, when a towering shadow fell over them. Xehanort paused, and then looked up, as did his companions, to see what they had foolishly called from the depths.

All three went completely, totally mad, losing control of their bowels and fouling themselves in the process. As did nearly all the other villains when the behemoth walked or stumbled like a mountain out of the water and loomed, dripping, over the beach, clutching the writhing, gibbering Pete, Xehanort, and Judge Doom in one grotesque fist. Oogie Boogie took one look at the thing and turned inside out, his constituent insects swarming madly among themselves on the sands of the beach. Captain Hook fell off the demon he had been humping and flailed in agony on the ground, screaming madly as the mechanical parts of his body went haywire and started tearing themselves apart. Hades, whose godly mind was capable of comprehending more than a mortal's could, stared dumbfounded nevertheless at the terror from the deep. Shaga gaped, and then turned belly-up in his floating bubble, gurgling and foaming at the mouth. Vayne would have gone mad at once had not his advisor Venat quickly possessed him, preserving his mind from shattering completely at the sight of the thing that should not be. Flintheart collapsed to the ground and began inching about like a worm, eyes rolled back in his skull, packing sand into his mouth. Zurg and Negaduck staggered about like zombies, eyes wide and unseeing, as they shouted utter nonsense and tripped on their own capes. Mozenrath took off his magic glove, stuck it on his head, and pranced about inanely, giggling like a madman and flailing his skeletal limb about. Gaston…stayed exactly the same, because he had too little of a mind to break in the first place. He was too busy having a good time with his demoness he didn't even notice what was going on, as usual. Duke Igthorn fell to all fours and began running around in circles, barking like a dog and chasing his rear. Abis Mal tore off his clothes, ripped off some of Gaston's chest hair, planted it on his head, and raced about, proclaiming ecstatically that he was no longer bald. Gaston blinked after him in confusion and pain. Prince John soiled himself repeatedly and wailed and bawled like an infant, curled up in a shivering, stinking mass of terror and despair on the ground as if he was trying to make himself so small he would disappear. Moliarty writhed and spoke in tongues, irritating Satan. Gilgamesh and Enkidu…stayed the same too, the swordsman because he was the GREATEST WARRIOR/FISHERMAN WHO EVER LIVED and Enkidu because he was a dumb mutt. Ultros' sanity was spared as well, due to actually sharing a distant kinship with the monster that stood before them, but he was terrified no less, knowing the true nature and horror of the newcomer better than the others, and fled, screaming. Gilgamesh and his dog wisely decided to follow suit. The Heartless cowered and scuttled away in fear. The Nobodies danced about inanely. The succubi looked at the monster with interest, intoxicated by its pure evil and darkness. And Satan…

Satan threw off his reflector and got to his feet, a wide grin splitting his features. "Hey, hey, hey, Cthulhu! Long time no see, brutha!"

"Holy shit," said an incredulous Hades. "_That's_ Cthulhu?! Wow, why did I waste my time trying to break out some measly Titans when I could have woken up this guy?"

"Incredible…" whispered Vayne. "Is that…some sort of Mindflayer? No…no, this is far more ancient…and powerful…and dark."

"Satan, you know this guy?" Hades interrogated Satan.

The devil laughed. "Dawg, Mastah S knows _everybody._"

Cthulhu was a gargantuan monster of vaguely anthropoid form, but with an octopus or squid-like head whose face was a mass of feelers and tentacles, a scaly, rubbery-looking slimy green body, prodigious claws on its hands and feet, and long, narrow wings growing from its back. A fishing rod dangled on a line from the ungodly horror's face, the line caught somewhere deep in the mass of wriggling tendrils, presumably where the mouth lurked. Pete, Xehanort, and Judge Doom, as mentioned before, were gripped in one of its hands, if such a thing could be called a hand. The dread beast gazed down at Satan with eyes older than worlds and stars. "Ahhh, Satan, my old friend. It has been a long time since we last met in the flesh," the being communicated telepathically, for its concealed orifice was certainly not designed to articulate any language coherent to mortals.

"Hell yeah! What up, homie?" Satan asked conversationally. "What made you decide to wake up, finally? I mean, you've been snoozing for longer than most of my bitches here have been alive, and that's saying something, fo' sure!"

"I am of the Great Old Ones," Cthulhu intoned. "When the stars are right, We may plunge from world to world through the sky; but when the stars are wrong, We do not live, but neither do We really die. In Our great houses in R'lyeh We sleep and dream, preserved by my spells for Our glorious resurrection when the stars are right for Us again. But even when the stars are right, a force from outside must serve to liberate Our bodies, for the same spells that preserve Us intact prevent Us from making an initial move." With his free hand, Cthulhu fingered the fishing pole dangling from his maw. "The stars are right, but our cults are dead or inactive, and so could no nothing to awake us. But the strange magic of this object called to me down in R'lyeh and awoke me from my deep slumber, drawing me inexorably up to the surface of the ocean and to freedom."

"Ah, I thought it would," Satan said with a grin. "Knew it was a good idea to give it to Shaga years back under one of my many aliases. Mastah S plans ahead!"

"Fo'shizzle!" agreed his whores happily.

"Then am I to assume that you are the architect of my awakening?" Cthulhu asked Satan.

"Mmm, yeah, I suppose you could say that, dawg," Satan said with nod. "Though it wasn't me who rang your alarm clock, no sir, just like you gotta obey some far-out cosmic laws that govern when you ravage the universe and when you sleep like dead dudes, I also have certain restrictions on my power. Real pain in the ass, but it meant I could never wake you or your homies up myself, had to go through certain channels, you dig?"

"I dig," Cthulhu rumbled. "Much as I could not reanimate myself but required external influence. And now that I am free after vigintillions of years…I shall begin my feast of minds and souls with these three mortals, and then begin the revival of my brethren and subjects so We may resume our rule. Then mortals will become as We Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and reveling in joy. Then We liberated Old Ones will teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the worlds will flame in a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom." Vayne's eyes widened a bit in horror at this, and Hades scowled and crossed his arms, wishing he had the chance to do all that first.

"Sounds like a good time, you'll have to invite me to that party," Satan agreed. "But, ah, before you start with that whole apocalypse thing, dawg, I'm gonna have to ask you to put those three back down and eat someone else. I kinda need them, y'know? You're not the only one with big plans, after all."

Cthulhu 'hmmed', and looked at the three in his hand in disappointment. "Are you certain?"

Satan nodded. "Yeah, the tub o' lard's supposed to get married to my babygirl Maleficent tomorrow, him or the girly-man next to him, and even if Petey-dawg gets married I'm still gonna need Xehanort and the boy-toy he's inhabiting. He squeals like a good bitch in the sack, if y'know what I mean, heheheheheh. Oh, and he's got this crazy-ass dark power that could come in handy. And Judge Doom…" Satan considered a moment. "Weeeeell…I _guess_ we don't need him that much. Still, if you eat him, I'm gonna need someone else to referee this little competition we got going on here, if y'know what I'm saying, and I know you do."

"Hmm. Very well." Cthulhu glanced at the other mortals who squirmed or howled or danced about in madness from his presence. "What of them? Are they part of your plans as well?"

"Mmm…not necessarily," Satan said, glancing at the mortals. "But my babygirl needs them for her plots of domination, so you probably should only take the ones nobody cares about or needs. Lessee…" He glanced over at the gibbering madmen, estimating their worth in his mind. "The Duke's fairly incompetent, but…he does have a bunch of big bad ogres under his thumb. How he does it I don't know, but you gotta give the man respect for that. Abis Mal's just a tool for comic relief, but I think he's outlived his usefulness, and his humor, so you can take him. Prince John's a worthless, pathetic, mangy flea-bitten cat, but he's really just _too_ pathetic to take. I mean, just look at him dawg, what's the satisfaction in tormenting the kitty-cat? He's doing such a good job of tearing his mind apart on his own, there's almost no fun to be had by tormenting him! Moliarty's pathetic too, but I've grown kinda fond of the shrimp. I think I'm gonna take him back home with me and use him as a plaything for myself, wanna see how much PAIN the sucka can take. And finally…there's Gaston. He's drop-dead sexy, but pretty much brain-dead as well. And I can tell you from experience, dawg, that he's nothing special in bed. So…yeah, you can take him too. And good riddance!"

"Did somebody say my name?" Gaston, who had been too busy admiring himself after the demonesses had stopped having sex with him to gaze in awe at Cthulhu, said obliviously. "Whoa!" he cried as Cthulhu snatched him up in one hand, grabbing Abis Mal with the other. Judge Doom, Pete, and Xehanort, lay sprawled out on the ground, wriggling and still babbling mindlessly.

"Hmm," Cthulhu rumbled, examining the squealing Abis Mal and the incredibly stupid Gaston. "Paltry sacrifices, these. Were you not a friend, and I not so hungry after my long slumber, I would be most dissatisfied with this offering. But I suppose that beggars cannot be choosers, even for we Great Old Ones, yes?"

"Got that right," Satan agreed. "In this business, you gotta take what's available at the time, right Hades?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that sounds about right," said the startled God of the Dead. "Tell me about it. I mean, _jeez_, ever since that ass Hippocrates invented modern medicine business has been practically _dead_, and that's saying something since I collect stiffs. Admission into the Underworld is at an all-time low. Oy, what's a god gonna do?"

Cthulhu turned his great head to look back the way he had come. Out in the distance, an incredibly immense city had risen out of the ocean, a panorama of vast angles and stone surfaces constructed of abnormal Non-Euclidean geometry, with a tremendous monolithic citadel rising from the center and blotting out the moon. Satan admitted that it wasn't a half-bad evil city, but he personally thought his hometown and capital back in Hell, Dis, was much nastier. And bigger, to boot. "Now that R'lyeh has risen, I must awaken my brethren and subjects, so that We may traverse the stars and find new worlds to destroy and conquer. I have seen much in my dreaming of the universe at large, friend Satan, but you have been awake while I have slept and so may know more of it, and so I ask you: where do you believe we should begin the new era of terror, slaughter, and slavery?"

Satan considered for a moment, then grinned and told Cthulhu the first ripe and defenseless world that came to mind. "Very well," the Dread one said. "One more thing I must ask of you, then, before I depart. A favor of sorts."

"Yeah, dawg?" Satan queried. "Sure, anything for an evil universe-destroying brutha. As long as it don't involve you and your homies eating my boys here. Or my bitches." His succubi huddled protectively near him as they heard this. Not because they feared Cthulhu precisely, it was more to defend each other, or maybe even their master, should something untoward occur. Nobody messed with Hell's hottest whores and got away with it.

Small V-crest waves formed further out to sea as creatures moving rapidly through the water rose out of the depths, slowing as they reached shore and emerging in the bay, clustering around their master's ankles much as the Heartless or demons did around Satan, as if afraid to leave the ocean and set foot on dry land. They looked like some kind of hybrid of fish and human, predominantly grayish-green with white bellies. They were shiny and slippery, with scaly back ridges and heads like those of fish, with bulging eyes that never closed. Palpitating gills grew from the sides of their necks, and all four of their long paws were webbed. Although they looked mostly alike, Satan, being Satan, immediately distinguished male from female: the males had long tentacle-like appendages like beards and spiked fins running down their backs, while the females had visible signs of breasts and lacked the fins and tentacle beards of the males. Satan winked at them indiscriminately, for gender was no barrier for the master of Hell when it came to sexual pleasures.

"Yo," Satan said cordially to them. "Whassup, dawgs? Or fish, whatever."

"These are my servants, the Deep Ones," Cthulhu explained. "First of many to awaken. There are others sleeping in undersea cities across the worlds, and they shall soon awaken too to worship us and do our bidding, but these are the first, and so must be tended to."

"And that entails…" Satan prompted.

"They desire to reproduce and create more Deep Ones. They may do it with each other, but for rather complicated reasons involving cross-species fertility they have a higher rate of success when mating with mortals," Cthulhu explained. Vayne's eyes widened in horror as he heard this, though Venat telepathically assured him that for the moment he was technically not mortal, and therefore safe.

"Ew," said a disgusted Hades. "Is that why my brother has so many demigod kids? Hmm, guess that makes sense…"

"Yeah, I dig that," Satan said. "So, let me guess. You want to know if your little pals can have some fun with my homies here while they're still insane in the membrane?"

Cthulhu nodded his great, tentacled head. "That is the heart of it, yes."

Satan nodded. "I got no problem with it. Go ahead. Fuck 'em to your heart's and balls' content. Hell, I think I'll join 'em, while I got the chance. Your homies can use my bitches too, if they like. Should make for some very interesting hybrids, don't you think?"

Cthulhu nodded. "I do indeed, although it is unlikely anything will come of this mating as both species are immortals. Still, it is worth trying. We are most grateful to you. Deep Ones?"

The fish-men and –women eagerly started hopping onto the beach as more and more of them emerged from the water. They crept towards the babbling and insane villains, none of whom could possibly resist or fight them in their current state. The demonesses giggled and ran down to join them, tackling some of the fishy ones to the ground and beginning the mating process already. A few bold Heartless crept back onto the beach and quickly found themselves pulled into the sinister events as well. Nobody paid attention to the Nobodies, but they didn't seem to mind, and looked more than happy (not that they could actually be happy, of course) to watch, and dance for no reason.

"Hey, what about me?" Gaston complained.

"The Deep Ones have no interest in you," Cthulhu said. "For you are the ugliest being they have ever seen."

Gaston gaped. "N-NONSENSE! I am the most handsome man alive! How can no woman want me?"

"Not everything in the universe finds the human form appealing," Cthulhu told the brainless woodsman. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and to we immortal Old Ones you have none." Gaston sputtered, his puny mind unable to wrap itself around this concept. "Do not fret though, or think yourself unwanted. Your screams of pure anguish, terror, and despair as your soul is tortured in ways that I will not describe but you shall experience all too well soon enough will nourish we ancients for a very, very long time."

Satan flexed his pelvis mightily, shredding his speedo and rendering him nude, and stalked towards the helpless madmen. "Yo, Hades, Vayne, you want some of this?"

"N-no thanks," said a repulsed and slightly frightened Hades. "Ah, I'm not really into fish. Or…rape, for that matter…"

"Ah, s-similar," Vayne agreed anxiously.

Satan shrugged. "K, dawgs. I respect that. You don't know what you're missing, though." He quickly joined the Deep Ones as they began their sacred mating rites.

Hades shuddered. "That guy scares me. And I'm the evil god of the dead, so I see a LOT of nasty, horrible things; you know what I'm saying? That guy is SERIOUSLY bad news."

"I can tell," agreed Vayne, clearly shaken. He was beginning to wonder, for the first time, just what he had gotten himself into by allying with these aliens. He had wanted to secure his world for Hume hands, yes, but…was it worth taking part in such monstrous activities?!

The duo watched, with growing fear and horror, as the sick orgy began only a few meters away from them, as helpless to stop it as their crazed colleagues who were now being set upon from all sides. And Dread Cthulhu stood above it all, watching, and waiting.

**ROUND 86: (EXPLETIVE DELETED)**

The villains woke up on the beach some time later confused, damp, slimy, and smelling like fish (and other things, horrible things), with their nether regions hurting like hell for some reason and no memory of what had happened after Pete, Xehanort, and Doom set out to go fishing. The fishermen couldn't quite remember what had happened either, where their boat had gone, and how they had made it back to shore. Satan told them only that Pete had managed to catch an enormous fish and win the challenge, and they had celebrated that catch by eating it all and then taking a nap, which was why there was no sign of it now and why they all smelled like fish. When asked where Gaston or Abis Mal had gone or why none of them could remember any of that, the devil told them that he had gotten bored and killed them for fun, and if they asked too many more questions he'd do the same to them. They weren't quite sure they believed his explanation, for Satan was the Father of Lies, but the horrified looks on Hades and Vayne's faces and Satan's threat told them they really, REALLY did not want to know the truth. Their desire not to know was heightened when a pale Gilgamesh, Enkidu, and Ultros returned, the former oddly quiet and the latter babbling and screaming something about Great Old Ones, non-Euclidean geometry, interspecies sex, some Great-to the one hundred millionth power-grandfather of his, and fish, and none of them really wanted to think about how those topics might be connected.

So, they returned to Dark City and the nightclub and participated in several more bizarre challenges, including karaoke, a three-legged race, table laser hockey, greased-pig catching, mud wrestling, sword fighting, arm-wrestling Ultros, underwear modeling, dancing, and knitting. One of the most memorable challenges had been a race through the city streets and skyscrapers on flying motorcycles. That had not gone well, because Vayne had rigged a device that would generate an energy field similar to that of the 'jagds' on his homeworld that negated the antigravity engines of airships, while planting a jagd-proof skystone in Pete's bike so he wouldn't crash. Unfortunately, he had put the stone in the wrong motorcycle by mistake…and so Pete had lost the race rather painfully, as one would expect. After recovering from the eighty-fifth challenge, which had involved trying to draw a portrait of the extremely squeamish Ultros, everyone was ready for the current one, which involved an anxious Pete and Xehanort standing outside a pair of doors, wearing thongs and nothing else. This treated the spectators to the rather unpleasant (and smelly) sight of Pete's hairy nearly naked body.

"Okay dawgs, listen up, because this challenge is something special," Satan explained. "If you want to be a good husband to my babygirl, then you gotta be good in bed, right? Ain't no fun in being married if one of you is a dead fish. (For some reason, all of them shuddered at that, but nobody knew why. Save Hades and Vayne, of course.) Therefore, this challenge is designed to determine your sexual prowess! Oh yeah!"

Pete shuddered. "Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?"

"H-he's not going to test that prowess _himself_, is he?" Xehanort asked nervously, paralyzed by a nameless terror he couldn't quite explain.

Satan gestured to the doors. "Each of these rooms contains one of my loveliest, finest, and most skilled demon concubines, and your job is to sleep with them. They're so good at what they do that when I'm with them, I can't focus on any other bitch than the one on top of me; you get what I'm saying?"

Negaduck whistled. "Wow."

"Knowing how good he is at multitasking, that's saying something. They must be _really_ good," commented an impressed Zurg.

Glomgold chuckled lecherously. "Good thing I rigged cameras in both rooms, then. The videos from this should make me quite a lot of coin, hehehehehe!"

"Dammit, why can't I have super-attractive and skilled demon concubines?!" Hades complained bitterly. "All I get are dead stiffs! And let me tell you, those guys are…well, _dead_, so you can imagine it's not the pleasantest experience."

Judge Doom indicated a pair of electronic scoreboards above the doors. "These machines will monitor you while you're in there having sex with Satan's concubines and score you depending on how much pleasure each of you can give the one assigned to you. Whoever gets the highest score wins the challenge. "

"No chance of you beating my all-time high score, of course," Satan assured them. "Nobody can do that! Because Mastah S is the MAN!"

"…Wait, so we're being scored for how good we are at screwing someone?!" asked an alarmed Pete. "That…doesn't feel quite right. And I'm a Disney character! I'm supposed to be G-rated, PG at most! This is XXX territory!"

"It most certainly is," agreed Satan. "Now get in. Unless you want _me_ to determine your sexual prowess personally…"

"NO!" Xehanort squeaked, wondering why he had a sudden urge to run screaming and jump off the railing to the dance floor below. "Th-that's quite all right, we'll use your whores, won't we Pete?"

"Y-yeah, we certainly will," Pete said with a gulp. He most certainly did NOT want to have to explain to Maleficent how he had intercourse with her father on the night before their wedding. (Little did he know that he already had, in fact, had intercourse with Satan, although he didn't remember it since he was insane at the time.) "Uh, well, at least they'll be hot, right?"

"Mmm, yeah, you could say that," Satan said with a sinister grin that did not bode well for either men. "Go on in and see for yourselves."

Exchanging uneasy glances with each other, they did just that. The doors shut behind them.

Flintheart cackled. The others waited in tense anticipation, half-wishing they were allowed to watch and wondering how much Glomgold would charge to let them see the recordings. And then…

"OH HOLY MOTHER OF WALT!"

"SWEET DARKNESS!"

The spectators blinked in surprise as they heard Pete and Xehanort's horrified exclamations from behind the closed doors, followed by inhuman bellowing that did not sound especially feminine. Satan cackled gleefully.

"THE…THE TENTACLES! THE _TENTACLES!_"

"HOW…HOW CAN ANYTHING BE SO HORRIBLE?!"

"AND THE MOUTHS! HOW CAN THERE BE SO MANY…WAIT…THOSE AREN'T JUST MOUTHS, THEY'RE ALSO…OH, HOLY SHIT! _THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!_"

"AS A SCIENTIST, I THOUGHT THAT NO KNOWLEDGE SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN! BUT THIS, IF ANYTHING, MAKES ME WONDER IF THERE TRULY ARE THINGS MEN WERE NOT MEANT TO KNOW!"

"HOW CAN IT DO THAT?! THAT…THAT, LIKE, GOES AGAINST THE LAWS OF PHYSICS OR SOMETHING! AND BIOLOGY! AND DECENCY!"

"THIS ISN'T PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"RROOOOOAAAARRRR!"

The audience paled. The electronic scoreboards slowly started displaying rising numbers, speeding up as the screams increased in length and intensity and the inhuman things within made grotesque sounds of ecstasy. "What…what the heck?! What's happening in there?!" Duke Igthorn cried.

"That doesn't exactly sound like sex with a pair of extremely beautiful women to me!" said an alarmed Hook.

"Wahahahahaha!" Satan boomed. "Silly mortals! Anthropoids are only one of many possible body types available throughout the universe, and not necessarily the most sexually pleasurable ones at that, either! Just because all the concubines you've seen so far are humanoid doesn't mean all of mine are! But no matter what the body type, gender, species, or even form of matter, Mastah S can master them in ANY form, because I'm the best there is! Oh yeah!" He grinned. "Those two wankstas, on the other hand…" The screams of anguish and bellows of pleasure from whatever horrors were in the rooms with the men answered that statement perfectly. The spectators shuddered.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Negaduck said weakly. Prince John was sick, violently so, as he vomited all over the floor then curled up in a ball, sucking his thumb. "Mommy…" he whimpered pitifully.

"You know," Hades said weakly. "I think I'll just settle for regular, human-sized babes for concubines. Nothing too out there. Maybe I should just kidnap some instead of waiting for them to die. Or maybe…hmm, I _have_ been eyeing that one goddess for a while…and I think she digs me…'course, her mom's not exactly fond of me, but hey, we can make it work…I think…maybe I should just steal some of Cupid's arrows to be safe…"

"Mmm…" purred Shaga. "The fear, the pain…is intoxicating…"

"Yeah," agreed Oogie, who had managed to pull himself back together a while ago. "But, ah, it's a little frightening, too…even for me!"

Flintheart shuddered. "You know, I don't think I'll sell this footage after all. In fact, I'll burn it, and launch the ashes into deep space, hopefully where it will fall into a black hole…yes…perhaps that would be best."

Much as they had when Satan had raped Xehanort earlier, the majority of them made excuses to leave as quickly as possible, disturbed beyond measure by the horrible sounds they could hear from behind those closed doors…and perhaps partly touched themselves by the vague memory of the sheer horror that had happened to them, as well, even if they did not remember it. It was certain, though, that the less they ever found out of what had happened on the beach, or behind those doors, the happier they would be in the long run.

Incidentally, neither Pete or Xehanort won the challenge, both getting approximately the same rather low score. When asked why this was, the whores explained that this was because they didn't get that much enjoyment from the two, and thought they were both rather flat and boring as lovers went. Satan decided at once that the 'ladies' were both so used to an exceptional lay as the kind he gave that any other man just couldn't add up, which both salved and crushed Pete and Xehanort's injured egos.

**ROUND 100: DRINKING**

At long last, they reached the one hundredth and final challenge. And everyone was sick of it. The majority of the audience had left a dozen challenges back on the pretense of getting a drink and had never returned. Pete and Xehanort were also tired and exhausted from their long, long struggle. However, neither of them was willing to forfeit, not so much because they wanted to marry Maleficent but also due to their sheer stubborn desire to do better than their rival.

"All right, gentlemen," Judge Doom said, stifling a yawn, for he was tired too. They had been at this for hours. "This is the final match. Whoever wins this round will earn Maleficent's hand in marriage, making all of the previous challenges completely and totally unnecessary."

"Wait! But…but then why'd we have to do them then?!" asked an outraged Pete.

"Why, for my own entertainment of course, dawg," Satan said with a laugh. "Duh, fool, thought that was obvious." Pete's eye twitched.

"Let's just get this over with," said a weary Xehanort. "I'm starting to feel Riku's mind stirring, I don't want him to attempt anything foolish such as trying to reclaim his body before I've won this final contest."

"This is a simple challenge," Doom explained as a pair of Neoshadow bartenders arrived, each carrying a bottle of beer, which they poured into mugs and placed on the table Pete and Xehanort were sitting at. "You will both drink, and continue drinking until one of you passes out or is otherwise unable to inhale any more alcohol."

"That's it?" said a surprised Pete. "No twists? Just an old-fashioned drinking contest?"

"That is correct," said Judge Doom.

"Ha!" Xehanort crowed triumphantly. "You don't stand a chance against me, fat-ass! I've built up quite a tolerance of liquor due to the myriad nights I spent with my fellow apprentices at the tavern back before I ascended to the darkness! Not even the stoic Braig could best me! You will stand no challenge!"

"Yeah?" Pete sneered. "Well, we'll just see about that, won't we pretty-boy?"

"All right…ready, set, skaol!" Doom commanded.

"Wha?" said a confused Pete as Xehanort quickly grabbed his mug and downed it in one gulp. "What'd you say?"

"Skaol, you dullard," Xehanort lectured. "It means 'drink'."

"Oh. Right." Pete grabbed his mug and downed it as well. He set it back down, sighed, and wiped some moisture away from his mouth. "Ah, that's the stuff!"

Bartenders approached, refilled the mugs, and backed away. "And again! Ready, set, skaol!" Doom commanded. This time, they drank at the same time, finished their mugs, slammed them back to the table, and wiped their mouths, grinning at each other. This was the final bout, all or nothing. They were both going to give their all. Neither had any intention of letting the other win. Or getting Maleficent, either.

They both drank in silence, matching each other as they drained first one bottle each, then two, the only sound other than the trickle of alcohol into their mugs, the rush of liquor guzzling down their throats, and an occasional belch, was Doom's constant count of "Ready, set, skaol!" The two kept drinking as the small remaining audience watched, interest rekindled, wondering if either of the contestants would develop an ulcer, drop dead from alcohol poisoning, or simply get embarrassingly drunk. At this point, anything could happen.

They finished a total of four bottles each of generic beer without passing out or even getting significantly sloshed before switching to and downing four bottles of whiskey, then four brandies, a couple of vodkas, and then to rum, a drink with much higher alcohol content and therefore more risk. Or at least, they would have if… "What do you mean, the rum's all gone?!" a startled Doom demanded of the Heartless bartender, who spread its hands helplessly and explained that somehow a strange-looking pirate with dreadlocks and an odd gait had broken into the heavily sealed and guarded storerooms and made off with every keg of rum they had, and a good deal of other supplies as well, along with most of the remaining supply of alcohol the club possessed.

"Curses! There's only one thieving layabout who could be responsible for such a theft…and that's Jack Sparrow!" Captain Hook said furiously, clenching his mechanical fists in rage. "Blast it, I thought for sure he was doomed when I attacked his ship, scuttled it, and sent it on a direct course for a black hole some weeks ago! But he must have found a way out, damn his eyes! I swear that scoundrel has more lives than a cat, or a video game character!"

"What are we going to do now?" asked an alarmed Xehanort. "If there's no more drink, how are we to finish the contest?"

"Yeah, and I bet things are gonna get really ugly with the drunks when they find out they've been cut off," Pete said anxiously. His vision was getting a little blurry and his speech slurred slightly but he wasn't drunk yet, though he was getting there.

"Whoo, that should be interesting," said an excited Satan.

"Yes, all those desperate and angry beings will surely start a riot…and riots always cause injury and suffering…which, in turn, can lead to a most delicious meal," Shaga said, licking his lips hungrily.

"I don't suppose any of you gentlemen happen to have access to a large supply of alcohol at this moment?" a worried Doom asked the small remaining audience.

Flintheart snorted. "Hmmph, I'll be damned if I let any of these louts touch my personal scotch! Unless, of course, they're willing to pay a fee…"

"I have plenty of grog…but if I gave it to you, my crew would mutiny," Hook grunted.

"…Wait, isn't your crew just a load of Heartless?" asked a puzzled Hades.

"Heartless _Pirates_," Hook clarified. "Just because they've lost their hearts doesn't mean they've lost their taste for grog…more's the pity."

"Well, I got nothing," Hades said. "Except for nectar, which isn't really mortal fare, and water from the river Lethe."

"What's that taste like?" Pete asked.

"I don't know," Hades confessed. "Every time I drink it, I forget what it tastes like afterwards…and a number of other things, too."

Satan chuckled. "Well, it's a good thing I'M here, ain't it? It just so happens that I, the ruler of Hell, happen to possess access to drink the likes of which would blow your tiny little wanksta minds. And, in my infinite charity, I'm gonna let you have some! After all, the show must go on, right dawgs?" He grinned. "Girls, go and fetch my _special_ brew, will ya? Hohoho, looks like Mastah S saves the day again!" The demonesses vanished in bursts of flame and darkness and returned only moments later, each one carrying an enormous metal casks covered with various ominous sigils and a glowing pentagram emblem in each hand, the casks easily as big as they were. The spectators looked in amazement as one of the most attractive demons set one of her casks down before the table while her sisters carried the rest downstairs to administer to the drunks before they could recover.

The demoness who had stayed behind tossed her remaining cask to her master, who caught it one-handed, then grabbed both Xehanort and Pete's mugs and shoved them into her jaw, which unhinged to let them fit. They gaped in disbelief as she chewed on them, crunching and swallowing broken glass easily. "Hey, why'd you-" Pete started.

"These mugs are useless," the luscious succubus explained when she finished consuming the glass. "Far too weak to handle our special brew. If you use anything less than hell-forged metal to contain it, the drink will melt whatever it's put in and continue eating through the surface it's on, and keeps eating through what's beneath that, and under that, and so on until it reaches the planet's core and begins eating at that, too, which could lead to seismic disturbances that could tear the world apart."

The villains whistled, impressed. "Wow," said an amazed Negaduck. "That's some drink."

"Ah, is it safe for human consumption?" asked an uncertain Xehanort.

"No more than darkness is," the succubus said, giving him an alluring grin that he ignored, or tried to, his inhibitions loosening the slightest bit due to the twelve bottles and two glasses he'd already downed.

"Hmmm…" he muttered to himself.

"Well…ah…fill 'er up, I guess," Pete said uneasily.

"Very well." The succubus produced a pair of very large, thick, heavy mugs made from very dark metal with glowing evil-looking sigils that seemed to burn at the air and placed them on the table. The wood hissed and charred where the mugs touched them. Xehanort and Pete looked at the drinking vessels doubtfully. The demoness then hefted the cask she had set down onto her shoulder with her demonic strength, popped a small cap off one of the ends, and carefully poured a stream of vile-looking black liquid which steamed as it made contact with the air and caused fumes shaped like formless, wailing spirits to rise as it collected first in Pete's mug, then in Xehanort's, as the demoness filled them both without spilling a single drop on the table or floor. Pete and Xehanort looked at the swirling brew in their mugs dubiously as images of untold horror briefly formed on its surface.

"Ah, good ol' Hellfire n' Brimstone!" Satan commented, having ripped the top off his cask and drunk its contents in a single gulp, belching and releasing a thirty-foot tongue of fire which passed right over the two startled competitors and the unworried serving demoness and melted a hole through the far wall, revealing a view of the city outside. The Heartless and Nobody employees gave him annoyed looks and immediately got to work patching up the damage using stretched-out Dusks, who looked more than happy to help, to cover the hole. "Drink up, boys! It's good for what ails you! Well, not really…hehehehehe!"

"You first," Xehanort said, gingerly pushing his mug away and flinching as it burned his hands through his gloves.

"What? Oh, no, you first!" Pete protested, pushing his mug away as well.

"Oh no, I really must insist that you take the first drink," Xehanort said, giving the fat cat a strained grin.

"Oh no, no, no, I insist that _you_ drink first," Pete said firmly. "It's only polite."

"No, you," said Xehanort, glaring.

"No, you," replied Pete with a frown.

"You."

"You."

"You!"

"You!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"_YOU!"_

"_YOU!"_

"Y-"

"ENOUGH!" an irritated Hades bellowed, bursting into flame again, but this time not igniting anyone nearby (although it did scorch the ceiling, forcing a few Creeper Nobodies to defy gravity and walk up there to clean it up. "Will one of you dumbasses just drink the damn things already so we can end this goddamn contest?!"

"Both at once, preferably," Judge Doom added.

"I'm not drinking it until he does," Xehanort said firmly, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, what he said!" Pete agreed. "How'm I supposed to know its safe unless I see if he doesn't drop dead or not?"

"He makes a good point," Hook pointed out.

"Hmmm…" Satan rubbed his chin in thought. "Welll…I could make one of the other wankstas try it so you sissies can see it's safe…buuuut…to make y'all feel better, let's flip for it." He picked up Moliarty, whom he was using as a footrest again, and hurled the startled mole towards the ceiling. "Call it!"

"I'm not a cooooiiiin!" Moliarty wailed as he spun high through the air, peaked, and began falling back down towards the ground.

"Um, heads!" Pete said quickly.

"Tails!" Xehanort called.

The wailing mole landed right in the middle of the table, hitting it headfirst and causing it to jerk and the liquid in the mugs to slosh a bit (though, thankfully, none of it spilled out). He moaned in pain and fell over. "Tails!" Doom called.

"Yes!" Xehanort cried triumphantly.

"Pete, dawg, that means you get the honor of taking the first drink!" Satan said cheerfully. Xehanort cackled evilly.

"Aw, man!" Pete groaned. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Satan said in a no-nonsense tone.

Pete grimaced and tentatively reached out to grab the mug by the handle. He winced as it burned his flesh even through his gloves. Slowly, carefully, he lifted the mug and brought it over to his face, careful not to spill a drop for fear of what might happen. He stared at the steaming mass of liquid for a long time as images of cackling skulls formed in it, swallowed, glanced pleadingly to his future father-in-law for help, got none, and so had no choice but to take a sip. And…

He blinked. "Hey, this stuff ain't bad. A bit hot, maybe, and it goes right to your head, but that kinda adds to the flavor." As Xehanort and the rest of the non-demonic audience watched incredulously, Pete drained the mug of all its contents, licked his lips, and belched, causing a few embers and bits of flame to burn momentarily in the air. "Aaahhh, that's the stuff. What's in it, anyway?"

"The tears of those who weep eternally as their bodies and souls are melted into stone and used to construct the buildings of Hell, including my master's castle," the serving demoness said cheerfully. "Their anguish is preserved forever in stone, trapping them in an everlasting moment of pure agony with no end or respite, their screams and despair only serving to give us demons amusement and joy, as well as nourishment. There's also a bit of blood and saliva from the fallen angels bound in Tartarus for their sins of mating with mortal women, the crushed scales of a Stygian Soulrender, beer nuts, vinegar, and a few other ingredients."

"Hmm, have to see if I can't get more of this stuff," Pete said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, me too! How do you get those tears again?" Hades asked, scribbling down what the demoness had said in a notebook. "And that other stuff?"

Xehanort frowned. "Well, if _he_ can take it, then I most certainly can!" He grabbed his mug, drank it all down, and slammed the vessel back on the table. "There! Next round, wench-" He paused, a funny expression on his face. And then, he spontaneously combusted, his body obliterated in a tremendous pillar of flame which rushed to the ceiling and scorched a pentagram into it, much to the consternation of the janitors who had just finished cleaning up the last burn mark. Xehanort's disembodied head, blown off by the explosion, hurtled through the air, screaming in a deep throaty voice as darkness spurted from his neck stump before colliding with the wall and tumbling to the ground. Moliarty, set on fire by the explosion, ran around the room screaming as he burned. Pete was still sitting at the table, front blackened (even more) with soot, a dumbfounded look on his face.

They stared. "Wow," said a stunned Negaduck.

"I've REALLY gotta try this stuff!" said an excited Hades.

A bunch of Assassin Nobodies portalled in with fire extinguishers, sprayed Pete with foam, and left. Covered with white stuff, Pete blinked in confusion. The fire continued burning ceaselessly. Xehanort's head started speaking in forbidden tongues over in the corner. Moliarty tried to put out the flames by stopping, dropping, and rolling without success. Satan chuckled and gestured, and the flames leaped off of Moliarty and rejoined the fire pillar, which shrunk down and condensed into vaguely human form, though headless. Xehanort's gibbering head floated over and attached itself to the 'neck' just as the living fire converted into flesh, leaving Xehanort standing there before him, completely naked. He blinked, wobbled, opened his mouth to speak, and then collapsed to the ground, lying on his face in the ashes created by his own combustion moments ago. After a moment his form shrunk and his hair retracted back into his skull, his skin lightening as he changed back into Riku. Moliarty sighed in relief and passed out. Pete was still covered in foam.

"…What in God's name just happened?!" Captain Hook demanded.

Pete picked up his mug, stared into it for a moment, then set it back down, wiping some of the foam from his face. "What the heck's in this stuff?!"

"I already told you," the demoness said.

"Then how come I'm fine and he's…well, like that?!" Pete protested, indicating where Riku lay, getting poked at by curious Nobodies, Heartless, and demons.

"Oh, that's because we gave you the watered down stuff, dawg," Satan explained. "Just like we did for everyone else here at the club! The _real_ stuff's not fit for mortal consumption, if we had given it to them they'd have exploded, just like he did!"

Pete blinked. "But…but then why did he blow up, if it was watered down?!"

"Only the top layer was diluted, in the cask I used," the demoness explained. "Everything beneath was more concentrated, and thus more potent."

"Oh," said Pete.

"Hey, wait!" Negaduck realized. "That means…if you had the top layer diluted, then you must have intended it for one person, and that person was Pete, since his mug was filled first! You wanted him to win!"

"True 'dat," Satan agreed. "I decided right from the start that Pete-dawg was going to win, so I made sure to arrange things so it would work that way."

"But…but wait!" protested Pete. "If you wanted me to marry Maleficent from the start, why didn't you just say so and kick Xehanort out?!"

"Because he liked seeing you two beat the crap out of each other," Hades said, amazed he hadn't realized it sooner. "Duh."

"Oh." Pete sagged.

"Well, that's not all, dawg," Satan added, getting up and walking over to Pete. "I also wanted to see just how badly either of you wanted to marry my babygirl. I included all these ridiculous and humiliating challenges to see just how much the two of you could take before giving up, before deciding that Maleficent wasn't worth all this. And I'm proud to say that you didn't give up, not once, no matter what I threw at you, dawg. You got my respect for that! Oh yeah!"

"Wow," said an awestruck Pete. "Um…th-thanks…I guess…" He wasn't sure whether he should be honored that Satan liked and trusted him so much, or outraged that Satan liked him so much but still put him through all those horrible, horrible trials just for a lark and to see if he was really, _truly_ worthy.

"Of course, Xehanort wouldn't give up either," Satan admitted, glancing over at Riku. "Which is why I made a few…_arrangements_ beforehand to make sure he'd lose this challenge…such as letting Jack Sparrow know where they were hiding all the rum and making sure that no matter what happened you would get the first mugful from the slightly diluted barrel of Hellfire n' Brimstone."

"Oh. Um…why'd you do that?" Pete asked.

"Like I said before, dawg, I never wanted him to win in the first place. Don't you remember? He stabbed her through the heart with a goddamn Keyblade! Why the hell would I let a punk who did that marry my babygirl?" Satan pointed out reasonably.

"Um, I wasn't there then, when that happened, but…yeah, that makes sense," Pete admitted. "But…then why'd you make it look like he had a fair chance to begin with?!"

"To see how strong your resolve was, and for my own amusement."

"Ah. Right." Pete wondered if he should be angrier, but he wasn't, possibly because he was growing fond of the old man, or more likely because he was starting to feel the effect of all that alcohol, plus the Hellfire n' Brimstone.

"And now that that's over with…let's get back to partying! Yeah! The night's still young, Pete-dawg, and there's tons of stuff for a couple of playas like us to do!" A disco ball lowered from the ceiling and Satan began dancing, as did the other creatures of darkness (or nothingness), as "Let's get it started in here," began playing loudly. Pete, slightly confused, started dancing as well, quickly getting into the rhythm and was soon grooving alongside his father-in-law-to-be, his balance only slightly (okay, maybe a little more than that) impaired by the alcohol. The other villains who had stayed to watch this through to the end were disgusted that all of the last few hours had been nothing more than a farce with the outcome predetermined from the start (even if they had been allowed to help Pete through cheating, the fact that Xehanort had won some and seemed to actually have a chance of beating Pete had given it some drama and tension), and promptly left, tired and just wanting to get some sleep before the big day tomorrow.

And as for Riku…some of Satan's demons, gaining permission from their master, had leave to spirit the boy away from the party. They were going to return him to his room in the castle eventually, of course, but not before they had a little…_fun_ with him beforehand.

Once the Gullwings and their Guardians had made it out of the tomb, the Syndicate's trail was easy to follow through the jungle. Even though the fairies had flown a few feet off the ground, the broken foliage they left in their wake was enough for a skilled warrior and tracker like Auron to use as a guide as he led the group in their pursuit of Leblanc and her goons, who had a significant headstart on them even weighed down by their heavy loot. The group needed no reminder of how urgent the situation was, every few seconds they could feel the ground shaking beneath their feet as Yiazmat continued to smash its way through the ruins of Ohalland's tomb, making them even more ruined as the ancient dragon drew closer and closer to the surface.

Yuna, Rikku, and Paine had recovered somewhat thanks to a few recovery items, but were still worn out due to the enormous amount of power they had used in their final, futile attack against Yiazmat. As such, they could not fly on their own and were forced to hang on to Tidus, Wakka, and Chappu as the group raced through the forest. Selphie had revived as well, thankfully, which meant Auron didn't have to carry her and so could devote all his attention to following the moronic trio's trail.

They had been trekking for several minutes now without speaking, no sounds other than their gasps for air as they ran pell-mell, the shrieks and cries of the indigenous wildlife, and the dull thuds off in the distance from Yiazmat's steady progress breaking the silence of their run. So it was a bit of a surprise when Yuna spoke up. "Wait! Stop! Do you hear that!"

Startled, they stopped in their tracks, and listened. "It sounds like…" Tidus murmured, swearing he could hear some sort of low hum.

"Engines," Auron finished, narrowing his eyes.

Selphie shrieked. "OH EM GEE! They've gotten back to their ship and are going to take off with the treasure!"

"I'm afraid she's right," Paine said grimly. "We have to hurry!"

They did. They rushed through the jungle, running past confused animals and monsters and through bushes and trees, following the rising sound of the Gummi ship engines until they broke out of the wilderness and came to an uninhabited beach on the other side of the island from town. Uninhabited, that is, save for the large gaudily-colored pink, yellow and blue spaceship with the eyed heart symbol painted on its sides that was rising off the ground as the heroes raced across the sand towards it. "MWAHAHAHAHA! TOO LATE, DULLWINGS!" Leblanc shrieked from the vessel's cockpit, waving the golden Blitzball and Crystal Cup like trophies at the heroes.

"We win this round!" Logos boasted.

"Yeah, you never stood a chance! Bwahahahaha! Have fun with Yiazmat!" Ormi called.

The ship's engines, which were pointed towards the group, flared, propelling the ship forward and also releasing a sonic boom which blasted a veritable sandstorm at the heroes, as well as knocking them off their feet and sending them skidding several feet back, where the sand wave kicked up by the thrusters came down over them and buried them beneath a thin layer of dirt. It took them mere moments to shake the sand off and stagger back to their feet, but by then it was too late, the ship was already far out to sea, leaving a large trail of disturbed water in its wake as it picked up speed and angled upwards, soon vanishing from view as it hurtled into the higher reaches of the atmosphere, away from the island.

"NO!" Wakka fell to his knees in horror. "We're too late…"

"They got away…with a treasure that _I_ helped them get!" Chappu said bitterly.

"Auron, what do we do now?" Tidus anxiously asked his 'uncle'. Auron hesitated. "Auron?!"

"…I'm sorry, Tidus. I don't know what to do." There was a pained, sorrowful expression on his face.

Tidus' heart sank. "Oh no..." He turned to the fairy on his shoulder. "Yuna! Yuna please, you must have some idea of what we can do!"

She shook her head despondently. "I'm sorry Tidus, but our ship's totally wrecked, and without another one there's no way we can catch up to them…there's nothing we can do."

The ground shook suddenly, and they could hear the sound of shattering stone off in the distance, followed by a terrific air-splitting roar which caused the trees to shudder and send hundreds of birds flying away from their roosts. Wildlife shrieked and howled in fright as they darted away through the woods in a panicked frenzy.

"OH EM EFF GEE!" Selphie screamed. "Yiazmat's free! Now he's going to destroy EVERYTHING!" Shrieking, she ran away erratically, turning wildly about and going in circles until she slammed into a tree, causing a coconut to dislodge and fall on her head, knocking her out.

"She's right," Rikku said softly, her face pale with fear. "She's absolutely right."

"Yiazmat's loose," said Paine quietly. "And the treasure it's been tasked to guard for eternity is out of its reach forever. When it finds that out, it'll be _really_ pissed."

"Which means…" Yuna started.

"That Destiny Islands…are completely and utterly doomed," Tidus finished, voice full of despair.

…

TO BE CONTINUED…?

…

The party's ended, but it seems as if things have decidedly taken a turn for the worse for the Destiny Islands gang. Is there any way they can pacify Yiazmat and catch Leblanc? Or is this really the end of their world, once again? And will Maleficent and Pete's Big Day come off without a hitch? Find out next time!


	7. Let chaos commence

At last, the event we've all been waiting for! The unholy union of Pete and Maleficent! Who among you thinks it'll go off without a hitch? All bets are welcome!

…

Disclaimer: All characters and concepts that do not belong to me are owned by Disney, Square Enix, Warner Brothers, and a number of other companies, both video game and cartoon-related, and maybe other people too. Thanks a lot to lemonsmoothie for her help and advice in writing parts of this chapter, and to both her and ninetalesuk for some of my inspiration.

…

The Leblanc Syndicate enjoyed a good laugh as their ship rocketed up through the higher and thinner levels of the atmosphere, leaving the poor inhabitants of the Destiny Islands behind to deal with the enraged and unkillable dragon they had awakened.

"Ah, we've done good, boys," Leblanc said, wiping away a tear of amusement and admiring the gold Blitzball and crystal cup they had made off with. "This loot should be worth a fortune…more than enough to get me what I need to finally shut up all those high-society lowlifes-" She paused, frowned, wondering why that statement sounded rather contradictory, then continued. "And finally show them all Noojy-Woojy belongs to me! And then we'll get married, and buy a fancy palace, and raise five or six beautiful children who'll get into the best schools and make all the right connections and friends, and support their parents in their old age…" Her eyes glazed over, she began reciting her numerous ludicrous romantic fantasies involving her and Nooj and the things they would do when they were married, many of which were rather erotic and made Ormi and Logos uncomfortable. (Mainly because they knew it would never be either of them in the positions Leblanc was describing.)

"And," Logos said, quickly steering Leblanc back on topic. "We showed those Dullwings they're not _nearly_ as hot stuff as they think they are!"

"Bwahahahaha, yeah!" Ormi agreed. "We showed them! I mean, we ran away with the loot while they were spending all that time risking their lives to save our hides from the immortal monster we accidentally summoned and using all that awesome magic and teamwork we could never do in a million years! Can't beat that!"

Leblanc and Logos glared at the fat fairy. "Shut up, Ormi."

"Yes boss," Ormi whimpered, shutting up.

Leblanc sighed joyfully and reclined in her luxurious cushioned throne-like chair. "In any event, we did good, and now it's time to leave this backwater world behind and head home! Logos, set a course for Fairyworld!"

"Yes boss," said Logos, working at his console, charting their route back to Fairyworld, to be implemented as soon as they fully broke free of the planet's atmosphere and gravity field.

"Ormi, get some champagne and Fairy Dew from the fridge, this victory's worth celebrating!" Leblanc commanded her other subordinate.

"Yes boss," said Ormi, unstrapping himself from his seat and flying out of the cockpit towards the ship's galley.

"What about me, boss? Want me to take that treasure down to the cargo bay for storage?" asked Darlene Hikari, who had to stoop a bit to fit into the cramped fairy-sized cockpit.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure," Leblanc said without thinking, already lost in more of her romantic delusions of Nooj and herself. "Make sure to stow them securely, we don't want them breaking after all the work we went to to steal them!"

"Don't worry, boss," Darlene said, taking the Blitzball and Crystal Cup and leaving the cockpit.

A couple of minutes later, Leblanc blinked, snapping out of her delusions. "Wait a minute…Logos, did we take a fourth syndicate member with us when he came here?"

Logos blinked and frowned in thought. "Ah…no, I don't think so, as I recall all of them had to stay behind at headquarters thanks to gross indigestion caused by eating your latest failure at cooking, so only the three of us could go on this excursion."

Leblanc frowned. "Then…who did I just give our treasure too?" There was a long, long silence. Logos and Leblanc's eyes both widened, and they whirled around to look at each other, screaming, "OH, SHIT!"

Logos slammed his fist on a button on his control panel, causing the lights throughout the ship to dim and start flashing red as emergency sirens began blaring loudly. Ormi, who was in the galley stuffing himself with a very large (for a fairy) hero sandwich instead of getting the drinks Leblanc had requested, looked up in alarm. "Whafh fuh fug?" he mumbled through the very large mass of bread, lettuce, cheese, and tomatoes stuffed in his mouth.

Leblanc and Logos raced by the hallway outside, Logos doubling back to poke his head into the galley and yell at Ormi, "An intruder somehow snuck on board before we took off and managed to steal our treasure! It's heading for the escape pods; we have to head it off before it gets there!" He quickly flew off after Leblanc. Ormi's eyes widened as he realized the seriousness of this situation. He finished chewing, swallowed, put down the giant sandwich on a counter, pulled off his shield, and flew off after Logos. A moment later he flew back into the galley, grabbed the sandwich, and left again, munching on it as he flew after his companions.

The fairies managed to catch up to Darlene only seconds too late in the escape pod bay, watching in horror as one of the spherical pods, with a rather uncomfortable Darlene stuffed into it along with the cup and Blitzball, was jettisoned from the ship, an airlock door sealing behind it as it slid down a chute and out through a hatch on the side of the vessel, hurtling away back towards the surface of the planet, the glow of reentry surrounding it as it plummeted through the atmosphere.

"Noooo!" Leblanc shrieked, ripping out some of her hair. "OUR TREASURE!"

"Quick, we have to get back to the cockpit," Logos said urgently. "If we hurry, we can still turn the ship around and chase after the pod!" Leblanc nodded, wiping away the melodramatic tears she had begun to shed at the thought that she might not be able to get together with Nooj after all. They quickly flew out of the escape pod bay, immediately crashing into Ormi as he barreled down the hall towards them, knocking all three fairies to the ground and splattering Ormi's hero sandwich all over them.

"Oh no, my sandwich!" Ormi moaned.

"Oh no, my spine," Logos gasped, his face covered in lettuce and cheese, pinned beneath Ormi's immense weight.

"Ormi, you ruined my outfit!" Leblanc shrieked. "I'm pulling the cleaning bill for it out of your paycheck!"

"Sorry, boss," Ormi said sorrowfully, still in deep mourning for the loss of his sandwich. With a bit of effort, the fairies managed to pull themselves back up and head for the cockpit.

Meanwhile, Darlene was rattled about in her escape pod as it shook and heated up due to hurtling at high speeds through the atmosphere. The escape pod didn't really fit her, since it was built for fairies, but she had managed to squeeze in regardless, only having to dislocate a few bones in the process. She had been stuffed into smaller places. Though she had been thinner back then, admittedly. She really needed to cut back on the coconut cake, this extra weight would only hinder her should a full-scale invasion like the one that had caused the world to disappear and take her son away for over a year ever happen again.

The Crystal Cup and golden Blitzball held snugly against her chest, Darlene managed to work one arm under the other in the very tight space and reach into one of the pockets in her fatigues, pulling out a small device that looked like some kind of remote transmitter. Unable to turn her neck to look at it due to the confined space of the escape pod, she nevertheless managed to key in the 4-digit password on the transmitter's number pad (which translated alphabetically to S-O-R-A) and press the Enter key. This caused a small red light to flash on the device as it sent a signal to the various small explosives Darlene had strategically planted in key areas of the Syndicate's ship, causing all of them to detonate simultaneously.

The three evil fairies screamed, explosions wracking the ship and tossing them about the cockpit as their vessel virtually tore itself apart. Huge chunks of the hull blasted off and shattered into Gummi blocks which tumbled away towards the planet below as shooting stars, accompanying Darlene's escape pod, and leaving a dead, derelict, useless pile of junk behind, all that was left of the ship, and even that wouldn't last very long. The engines had been destroyed along with nearly every other part and system of the ship, including weapons, the power grid and its backups, navigation, communications, sensors, the galley, the escape pods, and even life support. However, the blast had sent the last remaining chunk with the cockpit and fairies inside arcing upward in a trajectory that might cause it to break free of the planet's gravity…or more likely, just fall short and hurtle back towards the world as a flaming ball of death, incinerating the trio inside it. Either way, they were probably done for, since there was no way that what remained of the ship could retain hull integrity through reentry, and breaking free from the planet would either send them in an endless orbit or cause them to drift through empty space forever until they killed each other out of desperation and paranoia. (Running out of air wasn't a problem, due to the way fairy lungs worked. Food, on the other hand…)

"I think I'm gonna throw up," Ormi moaned as their last bit of refuge from the vacuum of space tumbled over and over, disorienting them immensely in the near-zero gravity as the cockpit window, thankfully still intact, showed them the planet slowly turning beneath them and the glimmer of the stars and moon beyond interchangeably depending on where it faced from moment to moment, due to the spin.

"Don't, I already have enough of your sandwich on my outfit," Leblanc snapped.

"Boss, what do we do now?" Logos asked Leblanc anxiously, trying to hold down his lunch as well. "That human crippled us! We're dead in the water, so to speak! I'm amazed that we even have this little bit of ship left! And I doubt that it'll last that much longer…"

Leblanc sighed. "Just…just give me a minute, all right? I'll think of something." She didn't sound very confident. "Noojy-woojy…am I ever gonna see you again?"

Ormi whimpered. "That's it, we've hit rock bottom. We've been in a lot of tough scrapes before, but this is the worst of them all!"

"It could be worse," Logos told him.

"How could it possibly be worse?!" Ormi demanded.

That's when their slowly spinning pile of space debris rotated around so that their view of the planet was once more replaced by a straight look out into space as they broke through the last bit of vision-distorting atmosphere, passed through a wide cloaking field, and saw the enormous armada of Heartless and Nobody battleships waiting for them in orbit. The battleships which, picking up the wrecked ship on their scanners, immediately pointed their many, _many _cannons at the broken vessel and began charging them.

"That's how," Logos said flatly.

"Ah," Ormi said, fouling himself in sheer terror.

"FUCK!" Leblanc screamed just as the cannons fired.

…

The chapel at the top of Maleficent's flying castle was everything a good evil church should be, tall, grand, done in Techno-Gothic architecture in an artful mix of cold stone and metal, dark, ominous, and eerily lit. The roof rose away from the ground, arching into a high steepled point supported by thick black metal columns humming with energy, eerie green light shining from power lines running along the sides of the pillars, where they weren't blocked by the large twisting thorny vines running up their length. More green light, and blue and purple as well, glowed from various torch-like sconces throughout the room, and several great wrought-iron candelabras with blue flames stood back against the walls. A number of large metal disks with spikes and razor edges dangled from the ceiling in chains, glowing orbs set in them to form some sort of macabre modern age series of chandeliers. Gargoyles (of the stone, metal, and Heartless variety, not the living kind, who were sitting in the pews rather than on the walls) grimaced and leered down at the congregation assembled there that day from their positions high on the chapel walls and column tops. Large stained-glass windows took up most of the walls, framed by power cables and thorny vines, glowing with a light all their own and depicting acts of great evil; worlds being destroyed, heroes dying at the hands of their nemeses, the forces of evil slaughtering all in their path, Maleficent backlit by flames cackling triumphantly over the corpses of her foes and those jerks who always picked on her back in school, Pete sitting in a throne of bone with a too-big crown sliding down over his forehead, Satan simultaneously doing all of the most prominent ruling females (and a few males) of the galaxy while eating a cheeseburger and watching television, that sort of thing. Smaller stained glass windows in higher arches where the ceiling sloped to a point either depicted masses of thorns or the Heartless and Nobody symbols connected point-to-point. The latter symbol was repeated in patterns and motifs all over the room, as if to remind everyone whose world they were currently in, just in case they had forgotten. Statues of Heartless and Nobodies were mounted on pedestals in between the candelabras and beneath the stained glass windows, looking menacing and imposing, even the cuter ones. This contrasted well with the actual living Heartless and Nobody guards standing at attention throughout the room, yellow (or no) eyes fixed on the guests seated in the many rows of wooden pews sitting in the open space occupying the middle of the great chapel hall.

The pews were divided into two sections, determined by which guests sat in them, the villains to the left, and the heroes to the right. (They would have done family of the bride and groom but Maleficent had much more family than Pete did present so they just called them the good and evil sides to make things simpler.) The villainous pews were occupied by what seemed like hundreds of evildoers, all the villains Maleficent had invited to her wedding, plus a number of their cohorts and minions. The front row was occupied by Maleficent's most powerful 'uncles' and 'aunt'; Satan's chief lieutenants the seven Sin Demons that ruled over all of Hell beside the demon emperor; and, surprisingly, the Fairy Queen. (Turns out she was Maleficent's mother. Who knew?) The two rows behind them seated some of the members of Maleficent's Dark Circle, while the six behind them were packed with witches, monsters, sorcerers, criminals, and demons of all kinds, comprising the branch of Maleficent's family closest to her that had come to the wedding. (Hey, her dad had a LOT of kids. No way were all of them or their relatives showing up!) The rest of the invited villains sat behind the family, naturally.

The heroic pews were almost as full, though that was mainly due to the good guys having most of their allies and security detail there to fill up empty spaces in the pews. Even so, they were still a bit outnumbered, even if one didn't count the entire planet full of Heartless and Nobodies all around them who were perfectly willing to tear them apart and devour their hearts if their ruler bade them to. The world rulers, corporate leaders, and ambassadors, along with their highest-ranking bodyguards, occupied the rows closest to the front, with the other heroes just behind them, and less important security detail seated after that. The trio from Destiny Island was, naturally, sitting in the rows with the heroes and distracted constantly by Sora's fidgeting. "Will you stop that?" Riku hissed to his best friend.

"I…can't!" Sora shot back through gritted teeth, scratching himself. "This suit just…doesn't…fit! Maleficent's tailors must have gotten it wrong!" The hero of the Keyblade was wearing a nice tuxedo and vest with a black bow tie which, obviously, did not really fit him very well. At least he had been allowed to wear his usual shoes, if only because it would have taken too long for the local cobblers to make ones that fit his feet.

"She probably did it on purpose," Kairi said sympathetically, adjusting her own outfit, a rather nice pink dress and blouse with frilly skirt and ribbons, the kind of thing she had gotten bored of wearing a couple of years back. At least it fit. "She's like that, trust me."

"Too bad you don't know any size-changing magic," Riku joked.

"Maybe I should ask Alice if she has any of that potion, mushroom, or cake which makes you grow big or little…" Sora murmured, taking Riku's comment seriously. "Admittedly, it might make me too short, or burst this outfit, but then it won't fit so badly!"

_Glad I don't have to wear it,_ Roxas snickered from the back of Sora's mind.

"Yeah, why don't you switch places with me, then? Maybe the body swap will do something to it," Sora suggested.

_What, and get mobbed by a bunch of crazy Dusks again? Not on your life!_

_I must draw that sometime,_ Namine said idly. _It would make a pretty funny picture._

_Not that funny when you're the one being covered in them,_ Roxas grumbled.

"Speaking of ill-fitting suits, why isn't yours bothering you, Riku? Or you, Kairi? I would have figured Maleficent'd give you poor clothes to spite you guys, too," Sora pointed out.

"I think it had something to do with what happened at dinner last night…" Kairi said, though she still wasn't really clear about what had happened while she was out with the girls. She had not told Sora and Riku much about that, for fear the eyes in their bedroom had been watching them. "I think she thinks I'm bulimic or something and pities me."

This instantly got her companions' attention. "You've got an eating disorder?!" cried an alarmed Sora.

Kairi blinked. "What? Wait, it's not like-"

"Oh man, I have noticed you've been getting thinner lately, but I didn't think it was anything like that!" agreed Riku. "Here, let me give you the number of a support group I heard about in one of my Overly Angsty Teens Anonymous meetings, they can help you with problems like this!"

Kairi sighed in exasperation. "BOYS, I do NOT have an eating disorder! She just thinks I do!"

"Oh," they both said. Xehanort chortled at their idiocy. Roxas and Namine both sighed in annoyance.

"Well, then what's Riku's excuse?" Sora asked.

_I was wondering the same thing,_ said Roxas.

"I'm not sure," Riku admitted. "I think she's still got some crazy idea that I'm attached to her or something…or that she's attached to me. I don't get it either. Or maybe she's trying to kiss up to me and subtly hint that I'd be better off with her? Psh, yeah, as if. Although…" He frowned and scratched his head, which ached a bit. "I'm not sure why, but I think I met Maleficent's dad last night…and I think he likes me. Not sure why." Xehanort shuddered, though he wasn't totally sure why either.

_Speaking of last night,_ Roxas asked, _Just what _happened _to you after you got dragged off? We searched the whole club for you after the meeting with the world leaders ended, and we came back to our room to find you passed out in bed smelling like brimstone!_

"We were barely able to drag you out of bed this morning and get you showered and dressed before rushing over here," agreed Kairi. "And you've barely been able to articulate until just a little while ago. What happened to you?"

"Well…I'm not really sure myself," Riku admitted. "My head's still kind of fuzzy. I tried to get away from the demons, really I did, but they force-fed me alcohol until all my inhibitions went away. Then…I don't know, maybe I passed out or something."

_Yes, that's exactly right,_ Xehanort said quickly. _You passed out. Couldn't handle your liquor, poor thing._ He was careful not to say anything about what had _really_ happened last night, for he did not want them to know that he could possess Riku when the boy's mind was weakened by alcohol, which could result in possibly his one advantage and avenue for escape being taken from him.

"When I woke up a while later, my head was hurting like hell, my mouth felt horrible, and I was…some place that's kind of hard to describe," Riku said slowly. "With a lot of demons. And, they, well…ah…" He fidgeted with his hands. Sora and Kairi watched with interest, unable to recall the last time Riku had seemed so lost for words. Roxas listened carefully as well, hoping he could learn some juicy information to use for blackmail or embarrassment purposes later. "I mean, I was still groggy from alcohol for a while there, and I sort of faded in and out, but…I'm pretty sure they had sex with me. A lot. And tortured me a fair bit, too."

They gasped. Roxas screamed in furious jealousy, while Namine made herself blush at the sudden thought of what a naked Riku might look like. "Oh Riku, that must have been awful!" Kairi said sympathetically. "I mean, being used like that…"

Riku blinked. "Huh? Oh, it wasn't that bad. In fact, with all the chains and manacles and hooks and instruments of gruesome torture it was kind of…well…kinky."

They stared at him incredulously. "Kinky," Sora voiced.

"Yeah. Those succubi really knew their stuff. I heard one of them tell me they're twentieth-level masters of the tantric arts, and as demons are naturally skilled at delivering pain in the form of sexual pleasure to satisfy some people's sadomasochistic cravings. To be honest, I'm a little disappointed that I was so smashed due to all the alcohol they kept pouring into me that I can't really remember all the details too clearly. But…" He fished into a pocket and pulled out several dozen slips of paper. "At least I got their numbers!"

_You'd better not use those…_ Xehanort growled.

_I hate you, Riku!_ Roxas snarled enviously, possibly more so than usual due to the presence of the Demons of Lust and Envy nearby. _Hey, do you think we can get one of those?_

"NO!" Sora said firmly, as did Kairi and Namine. "No prostitutes in the house! Mom'd kill us!"

"And I would kill you afterwards," Kairi growled.

_And I would let her,_ added Namine, not sounding very happy at Roxas. _Roxas, do I mean that little to you?_

_What?! No, of course not! I'd love to do it with you! But until my brother gets over his squeamishness and does it with your Other, I have to get some action _somewhere!

"Well, not while I'm in charge of this body," Sora said decisively. "Riku, destroy those papers!"

"What? Hell no! I'm gonna call some of these girls once we get home! Promised them I would!" Riku told them, shuffling through the paper slips and examining them. "Though it's gonna be a little tricky finding all the ingredients it says I need here to specifically summon any of them…do you think they sell black candles at the supermarket? Or dried goat hearts?"

"Won't your parents be unhappy if you summoned demons in your bedroom just to go on a date?" asked a doubtful Sora. "I mean, my mom would."

Riku waved it off carelessly. "Nah, they think I'm doing it anyway. Might as well give them the proof they want since they clearly think so little of me." He snapped his fingers, recalling something. "Oh, Sora! One of the demons asked me to tell you something. Her name was, uh, Edna or something."

_Etna_, said Xehanort.

"Yeah, that's it."

"What's she want with me?" asked a puzzled Sora.

_If she wants to do us, I'd be more than willing,_ said Roxas. Kairi and Namine glared at him. _What?_

"Anyway, she said she's going to kill you one day," Riku continued.

"What? Why?" asked an alarmed Sora. "What did I do to her?!"

"You killed her boyfriend," Riku explained.

Sora blinked. "I did?"

_You did?_ Agreed a confused Roxas.

Riku nodded. "Yeah, and here's where it gets _really_ freaky. Apparently, her boyfriend was Saix."

There were gasps of shock and cries of disbelief at this. "_That_ had a girlfriend?!" Kairi cried in horror.

_I don't believe it. Child-molesting and devouring, psychopathic murderer and berserker, lunaphiliac Saix had a girlfriend?! Despite the obvious problem of being unable to love her without a heart?!_ Namine agreed, refusing to believe such a thing was possible. _I don't mean to be rude, but…who could love THAT?!_ Nobody bothered to point out that she was in love with someone who, in his own way, could be equally undesirable.

_That bastard! He was holding out on us all along!_ Roxas said angrily.

"Um. Shit. I had no idea he had a girlfriend," Sora said, starting to panic. Saix had been a pain in the ass to kill and more savage than a rabid buffalo in combat, he REALLY did not want to have to fight a woman to which none of that was an obstacle. "Oh crap. Crapcrapcrapcrap. Like I don't have enough people who want to kill me already! I, ah, don't suppose she'll take an honest apology?"

"Nope," Riku said, patting Sora sympathetically on his shoulder. "She'd much rather kill you. This is something you'll have to deal with on your own. Sorry man, nice knowing you."

"You could have at least a little faith in me," Sora argued, face flushing in frustration.

"Yeah Riku, Sora can probably handle her," Kairi agreed.

Riku shook his head. "You didn't see her exploding penguin squadron in action."

"…Exploding penguin squadron?" Kairi asked.

"Yep."

_How exactly can one use exploding penguins for sadomasochistic torture and sexual enjoyment?_ Asked a confused Namine.

Riku grinned. "Well, you see, that's actually kind of a funny story-"

"One I REALLY don't want to hear about," Sora said anxiously, horrible images filling his impressionable mind.

_Damn you, Riku! Damn you and your goddamn shiny hair and oh-so-sexy good looks!_ Roxas shouted venomously. _Sora, that does it, we're going on a strict regimen of hair gel to make ourselves look more bishounen! There's no way we can let Riku stay more physically attractive than us!_ Sora groaned and put his face in his hands, while Kairi and Namine couldn't help giggling at the thought of a bishounen Sora, Riku smirked and rolled his eyes, and Xehanort muttered to himself how much he'd enjoy killing them all than murder Pete and marry Maleficent.

The front of the chapel was dominated by a towering stained glass window framed by twisting thorns depicting Maleficent in her dragon form looming over the burning wreckage of a city, roaring triumphantly and breathing green flame as the city burned and its inhabitants died before her. The stone arch around the thorns was carved to look like a Darkside Heartless, its great shaggy head forming the keystone as its arms stretched down and to the sides, claws grasping those of a Twilight Thorn, who was engraved to make up the rest of the arch and the bottom of the window. A black altar with a jagged dagger lying atop an engraved Heartless emblem sat before a tall podium standing beneath the stained-glass window, currently vacant. Both podium and altar stood on a small raised dais, with a red carpet running from the front of the altar between the aisles all the way to the grand double doors at the back of the room.

To the dais' left was a magnificent pipe organ set into the wall with hundreds of twisted pipes twining around each other and rising towards the ceiling. Black demonic figures and skeletal fingers and wings grew from the sides of the organ, stretching outward with more pipes growing from their sides, carved to look like cackling ghouls. The organ's many Nobody-white and Heartless-black keys were being masterfully played by none other than Ultros, putting his many limbs to good work by playing some grand operatic number he said he had learned during some time he had spent in the theatre business which echoed imposingly throughout the dark chapel and caused poor Gilgamesh to sniffle and dab at his eyes with a handkerchief while a bored Enkidu snored through it all.

The organ's notes were accompanied by the angelic voices of the choir standing in their box to the right of the dais, across the chamber from the organ. The choir was made up of the music- and color-themed Heartless (Blue Rhapsody, Black Ballade, Green Requiem, Red Nocturne, Yellow Opera, Silver Rock, Crimson Jazz, Emerald Blues, etc.), some ad-libbing Dancer Nobodies, and a number of Satan's whores as well as genuine fallen angels, who had some of the best voices in Hell and most anywhere else, for that matter.

Satan himself directed the choir, dressed in his best for the occasion. And by best I of course mean ostentatious and flashy, because this is Satan we're talking about here. He was wearing a dazzling white jacket sewn with glittering sequins and his moniker of 'Mastah S' written on the back in actual gold thread with rhinestones. He was wearing dazzling white bell-bottoms, also sewn with sequins, and had somehow managed to add platform pumps to the bottom of his hooves to make himself even taller. He had somehow retracted his back and knee spikes into his body so they wouldn't tear up his nice clothes. He had in the process also managed to grow a long barbed tail which swished back and forth as he directed the choir. Under the jacket his chest was bare, but his impressive musculature and horrific tattoos were mostly concealed by the ridiculous amount of bling hanging from his neck. He still had the same amount of rings on his fingers, but had removed the bling on his arms to keep it from messing up his sleeves. His afro had either vanished or was somehow able to fit inside a ridiculous wide-brimmed white pimp hat with a giant pink rukh feather curling out of the hatband and complementing the leopard-patterned boa draped over his shoulders. His upward-pointing bull horns had rotated ninety degrees so the points faced forwards, so as not to get in the way of his hat. He was clearly having a good time, even if the tune wasn't the kind of music he liked to dance to. He would have used that kind of music instead, but even he realized it probably wasn't fit for a wedding.

Pete, wearing another nice suit like the one he had yesterday, as well as greased hair and too much cologne, was pacing back and forth anxiously near the altar, glancing at his watch every few seconds. "Where the heck is that goddamn priest?! He shoulda been here by now!"

"Come on Pete, just because he's a little late is no reason to panic," King Mickey, dressed in much the same uniform that he had worn last night, said reassuringly. He was up on the dais taking the role of Pete's best man, ironically.

"No reason to panic?!" Pete yelled, throwing his arms in the air and clearly panicking. "The wedding's supposed to start any minute now, and we can't have no wedding without a priest!"

_And if there's no priest or wedding,_ Hades, Mozenrath, Zurg, and Captain Hook, wearing black tuxes and ties as Pete's ushers, all thought eagerly, _that means Maleficent can't marry him…and she's free for me to take on the rebound!_ Xehanort most certainly would have been thinking the same thing if he could have heard Pete's worried cries from inside Riku's head.

A dark portal swirled to life behind Pete, and Zexion, also wearing a tuxedo rather than his usual black cloak, stepped out. "Great, Zexion! Have you found the priest?! What's taking him so long?" Pete asked anxiously.

"I have good news and bad news…" Zexion said, crossing his arms. "The good news is, I found the priest. He's in his quarters." The ushers groaned.

"In his quarters?! What the heck's he doing there?! He's supposed to be up here, preparing to marry me and Maleficent!" Pete demanded.

"That's the bad news," Zexion continued. "He's dead."

Pete and Mickey gasped. The ushers cheered. "Dead?!" Pete screamed, causing the guests to wonder what was going on and start listening more carefully, those who had extra-good hearing or were in the front rows. Whispering started going back and forth between the guests as they became more and more aware that something was wrong.

"Golly, how'd it happen?" asked a concerned Mickey.

"Suicide," Zexion reported. "He hung himself. And left this note." He handed Pete a piece of paper that at first looked to the groom like a bloodstain, but on closer observation was just red ink, much to his relief.

"'If I kill myself in Hell, it is still a sin?'" Pete read out loud. "Signed, 'Msr. Frollo.'"

"Guess he couldn't take being around all us 'ungodly' creatures and wizards," Mozenrath said smugly.

"Ha, what a loser!" Zurg barked, causing all the ushers to laugh. Pete and Mickey, however, did not.

"Oh, that's just great!" Pete snapped, crumpling up the note and hurling it away. "The damn priest went and killed himself! NOW what're we gonna do?!" There were gasps, cries of alarm, sighs of relief, and triumphant cheers from the guests, including Xehanort, as they heard this. It really was a rather mixed crowd here. "There's no way we can have a wedding without a priest!" He glanced around anxiously. "Ohhh, isn't there anyone here who's certified to marry someone? Anyone?!" If there was anyone present who was, in fact, certified to marry a man and a woman, they didn't speak up. Pete desperately turned to Mickey. "Mickey! Come on ol' buddy ol' pal, you can do it, can't you?"

Mickey shrugged helplessly. "Sorry Pete, I'm only allowed to marry people who are citizens of my kingdom."

"Judge Doom!" Pete said to Doom, who was also an usher but hadn't been mentioned beforehand. Yes, that's right; he'd been there all along. Really. Nothing suspicious here. "You're a judge! Can you marry us?"

Judge Doom spread his hands helplessly. "I told you earlier, I never actually went to law school. I just act like I can enforce or interpret the law. Don't even have a license, a genuine one anyway."

"Gah! Hook! You're a ship's captain!" Pete squeaked, growing more and more anxious as sweat soaked his tuxedo. "You can marry us, can't you?"

"I could…" agreed Hook, smiling thinly as he saw Pete's hopes rise. "But I won't." He cackled as he saw Pete's hopes crashing down. "And I doubt anyone else here will, either! Bwahahahaha!" The other ushers laughed as well, and Pete's face fell. Mickey patted his shoulder sympathetically. Zexion raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry dawg, but that's where you're wrong!"

"Huh?!"

They turned to see Satan strutting towards them. "It's your lucky day, Pete-dawg, because it just so happens that _I_ can perform the wedding for you!"

"You can? Really?!" Pete said hopefully, close to tears.

"Sure 'nuff!" Satan grinned, flashing his golden teeth. "It just so happens that this bad mofo is none other than the Grand Archbishop of the Unholy Church of Demonic Worship! It's all part of the package that comes with being the baddest demon in Hell. Here, I even got a license and everything!" He showed it to them.

"Looks legal to me," commented Doom. "Much more legal than mine."

"Damn, it's authentic!" cursed Hades. "Guess he can perform the wedding after all." The other ushers moaned in disappointment, as did all the other guests who were attracted to Maleficent, which were quite a few of them.

"Hoho, guess I won't be needing these anymore." Satan spun about, flinging off his pimp outfit, which landed on Zexion's head, and doing a quick change routine that had him in a new set of clothes by the time he stood still again. He was now wearing a set of fancy robes which went down to his ankles, black with gold edges and a big red tabard hanging down the front and back with a giant pentagram sewn in gold thread on either side, each circled by seven colorful crests representing astrological symbols and planets Gold tassels with beads hung from the undersides of his sleeves, clacking against each other as he moved his arms. A crimson streamer hung from the end of his tail, fluttering as he swished it about. He had, if it was actually possible, even MORE bling than before hanging off of him, and he had large hoop bracelets dangling from his wrists. His horns were pointing upright again, and his afro was somehow crammed underneath a skullcap. (A literal one, it was made from a skull.) A white collar ringed his neck, studded with diamonds. Actually, it wasn't white at all, but had so many diamonds in it that it looked that way. He still had his shades, naturally. "Whoo, it's been a while since I last wore this getup! The silk feels so damn fine against my rough demonic flesh! Oh, and would you believe I'm not wearing anything under-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" they screamed.

Satan gave a deep, booming laugh. "You wankstas are such pussies, y'know? Ah, screw you, my bruthas and sistas out there appreciate it, don't you guys?"

"WHOO! TAKE IT OFF!" a few demons from the crowd yelled. A number of women, including the Fairy Queen, flushed.

"Leave it on! Save some for the rest of us, you voyeur!" said Leviathan, Demon of Envy. Mammon, Demon of Greed, clearly agreed with him.

"Yes, then I can have you all to myself later!" Lilith, Demon of Lust, called, making Leviathan (and nearly everyone else) even more envious. (Asmodeus had at one point been Demon of Lust, but Satan fired him for not being nearly sexy enough and promoted Lilith in his place.)

"Damn it, why does EVERYTHING he has have to be better than what I've got?!" Hades raged, skin and flame turning red with anger and jealousy. He probably would have acted like this even if the Demons of Wrath and Envy weren't present, admittedly, but their proximity probably wasn't helping him keep his temper down.

Satan took his place behind the podium. "Now we just need babygirl, and we can get this party started!" He almost summoned a disco ball to start dancing, but then thought better of it.

"There's a few other things," Zexion whispered to Pete, so the others wouldn't hear.

Pete glanced around to make sure nobody was listening, although they were certainly trying to, and then leaned over to Zexion. "Yeah? What is it?"

"Our security systems are still malfunctioning despite all the work we did to repair them last night," Zexion told the cat-like anthropoid. "Whoever sent that virus really knew what he or she was doing." In the pews, Yuffie, wearing her best kimono with concealed pockets for literally hundreds of poison needles and throwing stars, sneezed. "I've had to up the patrol levels to make up for the current deficiency in our monitoring system. Even so, the castle's a big place and the city even larger, and it's hard to keep an eye on everything at once considering our main 'nerve center' is still not working properly. So…I've been doing some hands-on processing as well as psychic sweeps to try and make up for the slack, and I found a couple of troubling things."

"What…_kind_ of things?" Pete asked with a frown.

"First off, that whoever sent the virus is connected to whoever robbed the wallets of everyone at the bachelorette party last night, and maxed out their credit cards, which explains the strange discrepancies related to sales purchases I've found in a number of local retail areas and shopping centers. Not only that, whoever is responsible for all that is sitting here in this room as we speak."

Feeling paranoid, Pete swept his eyes across the room. "Who? Where?"

"I don't know," Zexion admitted. "I'm not the strongest psychic in the universe. There are too many minds here thinking loudly, it's hard to pinpoint specifically which one is responsible for the credit theft. I just know he or she is in this room."

"Have you told Maleficent?" Pete whispered.

"Not yet, no."

"Good, wait until after the ceremony's finished to tell her," Pete said firmly. "She'll be too pissed to go through with it if she finds out the person who humiliated her is right here in the room, and won't rest until he or she is found and punished."

Zexion nodded. "All right. Should I hold off on the other bit of information, then?"

"What is it?"

"I've also detected a large deal of animosity and hostility towards these proceedings."

"No kidding," Pete said flatly, looking pointedly at the guests, most of whom were glaring hatefully at each other across the aisle. He was also thinking of the numerous other jealous men, like his own ushers, who were furious Maleficent was marrying him rather than them. And he was sure a number of others didn't want to see this wedding happen either, for all sorts of political reasons. "You don't need to be a psychic to figure that out."

Zexion glanced around. "Yes, but…the animosity _isn't_ from anyone in this room. It's someone on this world, maybe two someones, not present at the party, who intend to do something to disrupt this wedding. Their minds were heavily shielded, so I can't tell you who they are or what they plan, but I _do_ know that they have no intention of ruining this ceremony because either of them wants to marry Maleficent."

Pete frowned. "So…they're not jealous suitors, then. But…then who…"

"I've got my best teams working on it," Zexion informed him. "And trying to get the system working at full capacity before it's too late. I've also set up patrols on the ground and in the air around this chapel, in the ten levels below us, and in the closest towers, to make sure this area is secure and _stays_ secure. Nothing will get in or out of here without our knowing about it…hopefully."

"That doesn't fill me with confidence," said an uneasy Pete. But he supposed this explained why the Heartless and Nobody guards standing to attention were heavy hitters: Berserkers, Dragoons, Samurais, Sorcerers, Morning Stars, Defenders, Large Bodies, a couple of Behemoths, Assault Riders, Tonberries, Invisibles, etc.

"Should I tell Maleficent?" Zexion asked.

Pete chewed his lip, thinking for a moment. He knew he needed to make the decision here, after all, now that he was going to be Maleficent's consort, he was going up in the world, and his words would carry more weight and responsibility. "Yeah…this is kind of a more urgent and immediate threat. It could be more than just humiliating, it might be disastrous!" He checked his watch. "Maleficent should be here any minute. Tell her when she gets up here, then all three of us will know and she'll be able to keep a better eye out for trouble than I can."

Zexion nodded. "Right, because she won't let anything stop this wedding if she can help it. I don't need a heart to see that." He glanced around, and then stepped away. "She'll be here any minute. I'll tell her when she gets over here." He quickly stood back, hopping off the dais and standing next to the carpet.

"Golly, what was that all about?" Mickey whispered to Pete. "You two looked like you were discussing something serious. Should I be worried?"

"Ah…" Pete glanced around, noticing his ushers were listening with a great deal of interest. Hook had even transformed one of his ears into an audio receiver and had produced headsets with which the others could hear whatever the cyborg pirate did. Pete whistled very loudly, causing Hook and the others to flinch as it caused feedback in the delicate audio sensors. "Let's just say something BIG might be going down soon. Nothing definite, but it's a good possibility," he said, trying to lower his voice as much as possible, which was hard for a typically loud speaker like himself. "Ya might want to have that Keyblade of yours ready just in case."

"Isn't there a Truce on?" Mickey asked, puzzled.

"Come on, Mouse, you're a politician! You know how easily treaties and truces can be broken…" Pete muttered.

Mickey nodded and made a secret hand signal to his knights and soldiers. They saw it and visibly tensed, passing on the news to the rows behind them and tensing them up as well. "Thanks for the heads-up, buddy."

"Yeah…well…" Pete seemed abashed. "It's my wedding as much as Maleficent's, and I don't want anything to wreck it, you know? And, well, since you're here…might as well have as many people ready for action as possible, know what I'm saying?"

Mickey smiled at Pete. "You know, a guy could almost think you weren't on the wrong side, Pete. Even for a villain, you still have plenty of good aspects."

"Hey, I'm plenty bad!" Pete huffed, scowling and turning away. "Bad to the bone! Bad to the marrow! Bad to the DNA molecules floating around my body! I don't need to go back to being your lapdog again!"

"I never suggested you might want to," Mickey said calmly. "I can see you're happier here, even though I for one would welcome you back with open arms should you ever change your mind about which side you're on…though I'm realistically pretty sure your mind's been made up for a while."

"Got that right," Pete snorted.

"I just wanted you to know," Mickey continued. "That, despite everything, I still think of you as a friend."

Pete flinched. "D'ohhh! Why you gotta go and say stuff like that, rodent?! It makes it that much harder to hate you and your damn Kingdom!" Mickey laughed at that, and Pete couldn't stop himself from cracking a smile.

"Aww, you don't hate me, Pete," Mickey said. "If you really did, you wouldn't have asked me to be your best man, now would you?"

"Only because there was no one else to ask," Pete said gruffly. "Other than _these_ assholes," he said, turning to glare at the eavesdropping ushers, who quickly started whistling innocently and looking elsewhere. "Who I don't trust further than I can throw them."

"Gosh, so you trust me more than the majority of your compatriots?" said a flattered Mickey. "Thanks Pete! I knew you still had it in you!"

"Wha-what-whaaa?!" Pete stammered. "You…you little…" He fumed at Mickey in silence for a moment, before sighing and shaking his head. "Geez, even when I was your boss I could never get the best of you." He frowned. "Hey, just how'd we wind up going from steamboat captain and first mate to captain of the guard and Ruler of the Disney Kingdom, anyway?"

"Well, as I recall, it all started when-" Mickey began, only to be interrupted as Ultros switched from his operatic tune to playing the classic 'Wedding March' with accompaniment from the choir as the big door at the back of the room slid upwards and the bridal procession entered the chapel. "Whoops, we'll have to finish talking about the good ol' times later, here comes your bride-to-be."

Heads turned to watch as the procession made its way up the aisle. The flower girls, led by Aerith, were first, though 'girls' was a term that could only be used rather loosely. The only actual girls were Aerith, Alice, Pocahontas, Jack Skellington's ladyfriend Ragdoll Sally, and Pistol, who had managed to get permission to join in from both Maleficent and her mother, who was terrified she'd be harassed by the other women if she kept Pistol locked up again. Stitch was with them too, for some reason, but he seemed more interested in eating his flowers then throwing them. The rest of the flower 'girls' were Dusks, Creepers, Rapid Thrusters, Aeroplanes, Rare Truffles, White Mushrooms, and Shadows dressed up in cute little black dresses and bonnets, scattering petals of deadly nightshade and poison ivy about. The Shadows, Rapid Thrusters, and Mushrooms did, anyway, the Dusks for some reason thought it would be a good idea to throw live Creeper Plant Heartless at the guests in lieu of flower petals. This, naturally, did not go over with the guests very well, especially when the plants tried to strangle them with their stretchy roots.

Behind the flower 'girls' came the bridesmaids, a number of the unmarried witches from Maleficent's coven as well as Cruella DeVille, the Queen of Hearts, and Zira. They were all dressed in their finest, which for the most part made them look hideously repulsive since a number of them were very old and/or ugly. Only a few, such as Lady Bane, Nimue, Elphaba, Wuya, and Morgan le Fay managed to look good, which made Cruella frustrated since she was wearing the latest fashion and nobody seemed to care.

Mirage, as the Maid of Honor, came behind the bridesmaids, wearing a regal Egyptian gown and headdress which accentuated her form precisely to draw as many looks as possible and to ensure her on-again off-again boyfriend Fa'Zheer was watching through that one eye of his that he only pretended was blind. Rita Repulsa, wearing her usual rather pointy outfit except white, walked beside her as Matron of Honor, waving to her husband Lord Zedd in the audience. He waved back, their bumbling minions sobbing at how beautiful this all was and how much they loved marriages, like the sissies they were. The Fairy Queen, who had been intentionally denied the position of Matron of Honor by her own daughter, sighed unhappily at how sour the relationship between her and Maleficent was.

And after Maid and Matron came the lady of the hour, Maleficent herself, in a magnificent black wedding dress (Come on, like she'd wear white, it would make her skin look sickly) sewn by the three Fates, since anyone else would have gone blind doing the job and those three were already pretty good at knitting despite only having one eye to share between the trio. It was very frilly, covered in black lace, and had an incredibly long and heavy train which dragged quite a ways behind her. Rather than make her coven friends carry it, Maleficent had instead assigned many of her unmarried half-sisters to lift the thing. They had protested, until she had shown them all that remained of Jadis, and they quickly decided carrying a train might not be so bad after all. She had used similar threats to coerce her old 'friends' the three fairies Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather into helping carry the train, as well as absolutely not under any circumstances changing the color of her dress under the threat of painfully horrible death. Peg was back there too, because Maleficent just wanted to degrade and humiliate her, something Pete's ex-wife resented something fierce. Her veil was black lace, dangling over her face from a tiara and from her horns. She had a lot of sparkly jewelry, though not nearly as much as her father, naturally. Her dress was also very low-cut, to flaunt her sexiness. She wasn't nearly as sexy or attractive as Lilith, naturally, but that was because Lilith was the Demon of Lust, supernaturally gorgeous, and wearing much less than Maleficent. However, Maleficent's numerous admirers found themselves panting at her display, and once more looking enviously at Pete, who seemed almost unable to believe that he was really this lucky. And once more, the presence of Leviathan and Lilith didn't help people curb their desires any. Diablo was riding on her shoulder, looking pretty much as he always did, though his feathers looked glossier than usual.

Nosimono carried up the rear at the end of the train, carrying the rings on a black cushion. The giant door slowly closed behind him, a Possessor Heartless entering it and transforming into a Thresholder, keeping the gates shut so nobody could get into the chapel…or out, for that matter. Some of the guests eyed the giant pointy-eared door guardians anxiously, while the Keybearers quickly assured themselves that they could unlock the doors if they had to…then discussed the fact that Nosimono looked _exactly_ like Riku did, even wearing the same fancy clothes.

"Well, it only stands to reason," Kairi admitted. "Since he's your clone, it makes perfect sense that he'd fit in the same outfit you do."

"Or maybe they fitted him first, then gave you your suit," Sora suggested. "You know, since you turned Maleficent down and he's actually working for her."

"I feel oddly jealous of him," said a puzzled Riku. "I mean, he's a clone of me who has a mother who seems to care at least a little more for him than mine does for me. And he definitely likes her a lot, while I don't really care for my parents at all. It's like having an identical twin brother, except he's favored more by his family than I am."

_That's probably just the Demon of Envy talking,_ Roxas suggested. _He's right over there, after all._

"Oh yeah, good point," Riku realized.

"Did I kill a Riku clone before?" asked Sora, getting a vague sense of déjà vu.

_No, you beat up one, several times,_ Namine reported. _Then Riku killed him._

"Wonder if I should kill this one, too…" Riku muttered to himself.

Sora nodded. "Oh, right. And this was at Castle…Oblibbity?"

"_Oblivion,"_ Roxas, Namine, Riku, and Xehanort all reminded him, sounding annoyed.

"Right, right. Namine, you've really got to get around to restoring that part of my memory," Sora said.

Namine sighed in exasperation. _I said I'd get to it eventually! God! You don't need to keep reminding me!_

The procession continued up the aisle, the flower girls and bridesmaids spilling off to the sides where they would go unnoticed and unacknowledged by all. Rita, Mirage, and Maleficent all stepped up the carpeted stairs to the platform, pausing only for a moment when Zexion stepped up to Maleficent and, while matching her stride, whispered something into her ear. Her eyes widened beneath her veil for a moment, then narrowed. She said nothing, but her back stiffened and her fists clenched as she held her head a little higher, and her raven Diablo took off from her shoulder and began circling the highest reaches of the chapel. Maleficent continued up to the altar, her maid and matron of honor moving to the side opposite Pete's ushers with a few of the other bridesmaids, and stood beside the sweating, shorter cat-man-thing. She glanced down at him and smiled briefly. He smiled weakly back, feeling like he was about to faint. Maleficent's sisters dropped the train, panting and wiping sweat from their brows. Stitch finished eating his flowers and idly glanced at the rings Nosimono was holding, wondering if they'd taste any good, but the glare the clone shot him advised him to try something else. Peg glared enviously and hatefully at Maleficent while trying to work feeling back into her arms, wishing the witch had tripped on the train she had just helped to carry and broken her neck so that Pete couldn't marry her, wishing as well that it was _her_ standing next to her ex instead.

Satan whistled. "Looking _good_, babygirl! Too bad I'm not marrying you myself, heheheh. So, let's get this party started, yeah?"

"YEAH!" cheered Satan's many supporters, followers, and kin throughout the room. Diablo, startled by the sudden burst of noise, squawked and nearly crashed into a pillar…and in so doing, suddenly noticed the patch of darkness concealed within the shadows of the high ceiling, a darkness that most certainly did not belong there, unseen until that moment due to the way the light played across the architecture of the room. A darkness that, as Diablo watched in astonishment, dropped from its perch, a single wing spreading out from its back as it silently descended, a ridiculously long sword raised in its hands to deliver a fatal blow on the dais below. Diablo screeched in alarm, instantly putting everyone on alert, as he saw that the sword-wielding shadow was aimed, or looked to be aimed, right for his mistress's back. As the guests and security, warned by Diablo's cry, saw the shadow, spells, lasers, and projectiles were fired instantly, but the shadow was plummeting too fast for them to hit. Zexion tackled Maleficent out of the way as several dozen Nobodies portalled onto the altar and the rest of his security team started rushing towards the front of the room, but it seemed in the end that the dark witch was not the assassin's target…for it was Aerith the flower girl, not Maleficent, who found the thin steel blade of an extremely long katana piercing her back and coming out the other side.

There was a stunned silence. All stared in shocked disbelief. Aerith gasped, eyes widening. Her hands grasped the wound in her chest, as if unable to believe it was there. The assassin smirked, his green eyes glittering, as he extricated the sword from her body. She stood there for a moment, wavering, as blood spattered the floor and began to soak into her dress. Her elegant braid came apart, undone by the assassin's strike, causing her hair to fan out behind her as she finally fell to her knees, and then to the ground, blood pouring out onto the red carpet. A small glowing green sphere that had been part of her hair ribbon fell out as she slumped to the floor, bouncing across the room and landing with a splash inside Shaga's water bubble. He blinked, glanced at it for a moment, and then ate it. His eyes became bloodshot, smelling the delicious odor of a weak and dying creature, and licked his lips as he floated out of his seat with every intention of eating Aerith.

And at last, something snapped. "SEPHIROTH!" Cloud roared, lunging from his seat, a look of feral and utterly mad rage in his eyes as he literally glided towards his mortal nemesis, a dark wing sprouting from his left shoulder as he wrenched his enormous sword off his back. Sephiroth chuckled, slashing his blade Masamune about him to annihilate the Nobodies Zexion had conjured as they leaped at him, nearly decapitating everyone else on the dais in the process had they not ducked in time, and charged down the aisle at Cloud. Their swords slammed into each other with a crash that rippled across the room, causing the glass in the windows to shudder. They rose off the ground, great swords clashing again and again as they dueled with almost psychotic focus, the pipe organ and choir singing "One Winged Angel" to make their fated battle even more dramatic.

Sora almost leaped out of his seat to join Cloud, but Kairi and Riku both grabbed him and pulled him back down. "What do you think you're doing?!" Kairi yelled at him.

"Let me go! He killed Aerith!" Sora shouted.

"Sora, I think that if you got between those two right now they'd _both_ turn on you for interfering," Riku said, glancing at the intensity with which Cloud and Sephiroth battled through the air, most of the guests watching in awe rather than trying to stop them, since that would probably be pointless. And it would put an end to a spectacular show, anyway. The demons cackled gleefully, loving the negative emotions and hatred rolling off the two combatants as they struggled.

"But Aerith-" Sora protested.

_Sora, I doubt that strike killed her instantly,_ Roxas pointed out. _And besides…don't you think there are more than enough magicians and healers in this room to save her before it's too late?_

"…Oh." Sora felt sheepish. "I didn't think of that."

Fortunately, a number of other people had. Unfortunately, they weren't having much success. Queen Minnie and Daisy, along with the six other Princesses of Heart and a number of other practitioners of White magic, were trying to use whatever power they had to summon a healing spell strong enough to save Aerith. Unfortunately, the wound didn't seem to be closing, and even though they were able to staunch the bleeding by tearing off parts of their dresses for bandages, her breathing and heartbeat weren't increasing in the slightest. She was getting very pale and dead-looking. "I don't understand," said a confused Minnie, panting and wiping away some sweat after the fifth failed attempt to heal Aerith. "Why isn't it working?"

"Don't you know?" Maleficent asked, brushing off her dress as she rose to her feet with the help of an anxious-looking Nosimono. "Healing magic and potions are powerful, but there are certain occasions when, if a mortal wound is caused by a certain cursed weapon, no spell can save the afflicted person. And unfortunately, the Masamune just happens to be one of those weapons. You can cast all the Cure spells and apply all the potions and elixirs you wish, it won't help her in the least. Only a dedicated hospital with the most advanced medicine could, but I rather doubt at this advanced stage we could get her to one in time to save her life." Mickey shook his head sorrowfully. The healers looked at the dying Aerith in distraught guilt, feeling deep shame and sorrow as they realized there was nothing they can do. Peg hung her head as she hugged a sobbing Pistol, wondering why Sephiroth's sword couldn't have gone through Maleficent's back rather than this nice young woman's. Aerith's friends, who had naturally rushed to the flower girl's side the moment she had fallen, drank in Maleficent's every word with blank horror on their faces. Stitch just stared listlessly at Aerith's form as she grew colder and her breathing and heartbeat got slower and shallower, feeling a vague sense of déjà vu, as if this were not the first time he had seen a woman he cared about die before. It was in that moment that he swore he would not allow this to happen ever again. Someday, somehow, he was going to find a way to take down Sephiroth.

Maleficent did not seem particularly bothered by Aerith's death, and neither were most of the villains, aside from Pete and Nosimono, but all were shaken by Sephiroth's infiltration and swift murder of someone right there on the dais, only inches away from the rest of them. It could have been any of them, but unfortunately it had been Aerith instead. "And Zexion…could you please explain to me how Sephiroth managed to sneak in here despite all the security you've set up around here, despite all the powerful magic-users and psychics, and so easily struck and killed someone right in our midst?!"

"He must have snuck in here before any of the guests or staff came in…" Zexion contemplated. "And somehow concealed himself from our security forces and everyone else when they entered, waiting for the right moment to attack. He must be very good at masking, because I didn't even notice his scent until it was too late. If our systems weren't still malfunctioning from last night's virus, we would have detected him in a heartbeat. As it is, it's only dumb luck that I managed to get a whiff of him from a psychic scan before I got here…and clearly it wasn't enough to find him before he carried out his intentions. I'm sorry ma'am. It won't happen again."

"It had better not," agreed Maleficent. "The only reason I haven't had you put to death now is because Sephiroth clearly had no intention of killing me. He only targeted Aerith because he knew it would enrage his rival and goad him into fighting with all his strength and fury. If there is indeed another person involved in this, they must have convinced Sephiroth to play this stunt out in an attempt to disrupt the wedding…an attempt which we shall not allow to hinder us. Once Aerith is dead, and those two idiot swordsmen dealt with, we will continue the ceremony as planned, as if none of this had ever happened." Zexion nodded in understanding. Nosimono, enraged that his mother could so easily have been killed due to Zexion's failure to maintain optimal security, swore to kill the Nobody himself if he slipped up like this again, Uncle or no Uncle.

"Oh no…" Yuffie whispered, looking the most horrified and ashen she had ever been since they were forced to flee Radiant Garden ages ago. She felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame after hearing Zexion's words, and realizing that in a very real way it was her fault that one of the kindest, gentlest people she had ever known was lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. "Not…Not Aerith…" Tifa shook her head in despair and put a hand on Yuffie's shoulder. She glanced up at the dueling blond and silver-haired bishounen, eyes full of pain.

Leon's face was a mask of stone. His fists were clenched and trembling. Without a word, he turned around, pulled out his Gunblade, and started forcing his way through the ring of varied guards who had surrounded the dais after Sephiroth and Cloud had begun their duel, clearly intending to take part in it. He started and nearly lopped Cid's hand off when the grouchy older man grabbed him by the shoulder. "What the hell do ya think yer' doin'?!" Cid barked in Leon's face.

"Sephiroth's killed Aerith," Leon said coldly. "He has to die."

Cid snorted. "Oh, right, and how exactly do you plan to get up there? Last time I checked, you can't fly!" He pointed at Cloud and Sephiroth, who were indeed flying as they exchanged blow after blow, darting through the space formed by the chapel's high ceiling.

"Maybe not," agreed Leon. "But I can jump pretty high, and I have a _Gun_blade, after all. I think I can still hit Sephiroth from down here."

"What're you, nuts?!" Cid cried in disbelief. "The way those two're dancin' about up there, you're just as likely to hit Cloud as you are Sephiroth!"

"That's a risk," Squall said without any compassion whatsoever. "That I'm willing to take."

Cid just stared at him, stunned, as did the rest of his friends. It almost felt like they didn't even _know_ the angry young man anymore. "You…you don't really mean that!" Cid stammered.

"Aerith is going to die. And so Sephiroth needs to die. That's all that matters," Leon said, just as coldly as he had announced he didn't care if he killed Cloud by accident.

His friends were shocked, especially Tifa. "Not if it means killing Cloud!" Yuffie protested. "Leon, if you killed Cloud, even by accident, while trying to kill Sephiroth, Aerith would never forgive you!" _And neither would I¸_ Tifa agreed, clenching her fists and trembling.

"Well, we'll never know, because she's DYING!" Leon roared in their faces, causing them to step back. "She's dying because Cloud, who she's always been so fucking fond of, has never had the balls to finish off Sephiroth! If he's never managed it before, he certainly won't now, not even if _she _died because of that murderer! So if Cloud or even Sora have never been man enough to kill that bastard, it's up to me to do what they couldn't! And with THIS," he said, pulling what looked like a bronze-plated cell phone with a red winged lion embossed on it from his pocket. "It should be no problem."

"You're crazy!" Cid snapped. "There's no way you can take Sephiroth, even with _that_! He's on a whole other level than you! Only Sora and Cloud have been able to tangle with him before and come out alive, and if you've never been able to beat _either_ of them at their best, what makes you think you can take Sephiroth at his?!"

"Because I have to," Leon said coldly. "For Aerith."

"This has nothing to do with Aerith!" Tifa snapped all of a sudden. "You're just using her as an excuse to justify yet another selfish attempt to satisfy your bruised ego and prove yourself as the top dog, or lion! Another attempt to raise yourself to some ridiculous heroic standard to prove to yourself and everyone else that you're no longer as helpless as _all_ of us were when we were forced to leave our home and let everyone we cared about _die_! Dammit Squall, it's bad enough you use Rinoa's memory like that, but if you think I'm going to let you do the same with Aerith-"

She was silenced when Leon swung his sword at her head at lightning speed, striking her with the flat side of the blade and knocking her to the ground. She held a hand to her cheek and stared up at him, stunned. "Don't you EVER use those names around me," Leon growled.

Tifa's eyes grew as cold as his, and she got back to her feet. Cid, Yuffie, and Stitch came to her side, as sick of Leon's grandstanding and using Aerith's fatal wounding to his own advantage as Tifa was, and all of them were ready to do something with their anger when Queen Minnie announced, listlessly, "She's dead." Everyone stopped to look at her. The mouse's lip was trembling, and she was holding back tears. "Aerith is dead." Mickey held her as she began crying. Goofy, who was among the guardsmen, took off his helmet and held it to his chest, bowing his head in respect and grief. His son Max's lip quivered and he looked away, wiping his face on his sleeve. The villains, for the most part, were less affected and just seemed bored, wondering if they could just get on with the ceremony already.

"Oh, snap," murmured Hades. "She was hot. Think she'll wind up in my place?"

"Somehow, I doubt it," Hook growled, looking oddly touched by Aerith's tragic death. Was that a tear leaking from his eye, or just coolant?

Leon's Gunblade fell from his hands. His expression turned from cold anger to the same shocked grief as his other friends. "N…no…Aerith…" He was as surprised as everyone else when a single tear started flowing down his cheek.

"Excellent," Shaga said, his eyes red with hunger as he pushed his way past the guards. "Now, would any of you mind if I devoured her corpse? I really wouldn't advise you stopping me…with all the charged emotions and blood in the air; I'm on the verge of a feeding frenzy. It'll only take a little more to set me off, and cause me to begin eating _everything_ in sight." Leon clenched his fists and grabbed his sword, his friends standing beside him, their dispute just moments ago forgotten in their shared desire to save Aerith's remains from this monster.

"Sorry dawg, er, fish, but that won't be necessary," Satan said as he smoothly slid out from behind his podium and crouched beside Aerith, looking down at her corpse. "Because, y'see, I'm about to bring Aerith back to life, healthy and everything. Which means you're gonna have to wait until the party to eat anything or anyone." Shaga gnashed his teeth in fury and snarled at Satan, but the demon emperor was unfazed, he had seen worse and _was_ worse, after all. "Boo." Shaga wasn't sure why, but he whimpered and backed down.

"Wait…what was that?! Are you telling me you can bring her back to life?!" Yuffie said in disbelief, clinging to Satan's words.

He nodded. "Uh-huh, that's right little girl, I can."

"Wait…then why didn't you help us before?!" Minnie demanded, full of as much righteous fury as the other healers.

Satan flashed a gold-toothed grin at her. "Two reasons, ho. One, like babygirl said, Masamune's cursed so healing magic doesn't work very well on mortal wounds it makes. And two…well, y'see, what I'm gonna do to her can't be done unless she's already _dead._ So I had to wait until all you lovely ladies' work came to naught before I could make my move."

"Wait…you mean necromancy?" said an alarmed Mickey, trying to hold Minnie back and keep her from doing something foolish like attacking Satan for the insult.

"Uh, won't that make her an ugly, rotting, brain-eating zombie?" asked a concerned Pete.

"Naw, dog, I'm way better than any lame necromancer!" Satan boasted. "I'm not gonna make her undead…I'm gonna bring her back to life one hundred percent, as good as new, if not better!"

"It's true, he can do it," Maleficent reported. "I've seen him do it before." Her sly smile implied there was more to this than what she was saying, but she clearly wasn't going to say it.

"Wait…" said Cid suspiciously. "This is too easy. What do _you _get out of it?"

"Me? Welllll…" Satan grinned. "There's a bit of a…_price_ to pay for this sort of thing, and it's kinda costly. But she'll be brought back, alive and well. Whaddayou say? How badly do you want your girl back?"

"I don't-" Leon started.

"We'll do it," Yuffie said firmly.

"Yuffie?" said a surprised Tifa.

"We have to," the kunoichi told them. "We can't let Aerith stay dead."

"I'm not sure this is a good idea-" started a concerned Minnie.

"Do it," Leon said suddenly. "Yuffie's right. We can't leave Aerith dead."

"Ih! Ih!" agreed Stitch.

Satan chuckled. "Boy, you got no idea what you've just done." And with that, he lifted Aerith in his arms and, to their disbelief, _kissed_ her full on the mouth, probing her throat with his tongue, while shifting one hand to her back to reaffirm his grip and allow him to shove his other hand up Aerith's skirt.

"GABBA?!" Stitch yelled.

"Golly gosh!" cried Mickey and Minnie, and most of the other healers ushered similar, though less kid-friendly, oaths.

"Gawrsh, that's just not right!" said an alarmed Goofy, covering his face and Max's face with his hands and peeking through the fingers. Donald didn't bother covering and just watched with disgusted fascination. PJ just stared, blinked, and stared dumbfounded at his father, who shrugged helplessly, having no excuse for his future father-in-law's actions.

"Mommy, why is he kissing a dead person?" Pistol asked her mother.

"I…don't know, sweety," said a disturbed Peg.

"That's disgusting," said a grossed-out Hook.

"Definitely," agreed Mozenrath and Zurg.

"I sleep with dead people, but even I don't do that with corpses!" Hades said in disgust.

"Such a waste," Shaga said with a disappointed sigh, turning and floating back to his seat, still quite hungry.

"Your father is very strange," Mirage commented to Maleficent.

"Tell me about it," grumbled the witch.

Aerith's friends were less than pleased with the devil's actions. "GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HER, YOU GODDAMN PERVERT!" Cid bellowed, leading the charge as they ran towards the demon king…and were knocked off their feet as both Satan and Aerith were engulfed in a blinding flash of light which shook the room, taking everyone's attention away from the legendary duel above them, causing the music to pause, and even forcing Sephiroth and Cloud to hesitate a moment to see what was going on.

When the light faded, all gathered on the dais could see a pleased-looking Satan helping a confused and very much alive Aerith, with no bloodstains or holes through her stomach, get her feet steady on the ground. "Wh-what happened?" she murmured, very bewildered, brushing some her long brown hair out of her eyes.

"AERITH! YOU'RE BACK!" Yuffie shrieked, tackling her and nearly knocking her to the ground.

"Um, I'm happy to see you too, Yuffie," said the confused Aerith. "Did I go somewhere?"

"You're all right!" Tifa cried joyfully, hugging both women and nearly crushing them due to her phenomenal strength. Stitch, babbling something incoherent in his weird language, eagerly joined in on the hug, crushing all _three_ women's spines. Yes, even Tifa's.

"Well, I'll be damned…uh, not literally," Cid said quickly as Satan grinned at him.

"…Aerith…" Leon whispered. And then, amazingly, he smiled.

"I don't believe it…" whispered Aurora.

"I thought it was true love's kiss that woke one from the sleep of death," said a puzzled Snow White. "Not…well, _his_ kiss."

"It's a miracle!" cried Queen Garnet, clasping her hands together.

"How wonderful!" agreed Alice.

"I don't know…" said Mickey, who didn't look so sure, especially when he saw the triumphant looks on Satan, Maleficent, and her sisters' faces.

"Uh, Aerith?" Yuffie asked.

"Yes, Yuffie?"

"Why do you have three sixes printed on your forehead?" the ninja asked.

There was a pause. They blinked. There were indeed three sixes printed across Aerith's forehead quite prominently. "Huh," said Aerith, checking herself out in a pocket mirror. "So I do."

Satan chuckled. Leon and Cid angrily whirled on him. "What did you do to her?!" they yelled.

Satan grinned. "Hey, I told you boys there was a price. Thing is, Aerith's the one who paid it, not you wankstas. So now she's one of my mortal bitches, and I will one day come to collect the lien I've placed on her soul and procreate with her repeatedly, causing her to one day birth a monster or monsters who will wreak utter havoc and damnation upon your world!" He laughed malevolently at their shocked expressions, and then grinned at his daughters. "Congratulations, girls, in a few years you'll have another sibling or siblings!"

"Yay," Maleficent and her sisters said deadpan.

"Somehow I knew this was coming…" Mickey said with a sigh.

"Damn! Gotta write that one down," Hades said, scribbling on a notepad. "'Make deal with mortal to resurrect hot babe in exchange for sex on a future occasion and a chance of finally fathering an heir who will help me overthrow my brother Zeus and/or destroy the world.' Why didn't I think of that?!"

"You bastard!" Leon shouted, enraged beyond belief.

"Hey, it was part of the deal," Satan said with a shrug.

"You never said you were going to turn her into one of your whores in exchange for bringing her back to life!" Yuffie said angrily.

"You never asked," Satan pointed out, which was quite true.

"Meega nala kwista!" Stitch bellowed, angry enough to tear Satan apart…which would probably result in his getting torn apart, scarily enough...

"Yes, well, this has all been quite wonderful and dramatic," Maleficent said, stepping between the angry friends of Aerith and Satan. "But could you all return to your seats, now that this is over? You all seem to have forgotten that this is MY wedding, and therefore _I'm_ the one everyone should be paying attention to! Isn't that right?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, right," Pete stammered quickly.

"Definitely, Mom, you deserve it," said Nosimono.

"You're the boss," agreed Zexion.

"I'm afraid they're right," Mickey admitted. "We did get a little sidetracked."

"But…but Aerith!" Tifa protested.

"It's all right," Aerith said, a somewhat eerie look in her eyes. "I don't mind. I don't need my soul that badly. And…" She turned to gaze adoringly at Satan. "I'm sure the experience will be well worth paying for in advance." Satan chuckled and winked at her, and all her friends felt very sick.

"Don't worry," Minnie whispered reassuringly to Aerith's friends as the guards escorted them back to their seats. "We'll find a cure for this, just you bet!"

"No you won't!" Satan yelled, hearing them perfectly well. "Because there is none! She's all _mine_, bitches! Oh yeah!" Aerith sighed blissfully, causing the heroes to shudder in disgust.

"Mommy, can I be one of Satan's mortal concubines?" Pistol asked her mother.

"Heavens, _no!_" Peg screamed, horrified.

_See, Sora? Aerith's fine_, Roxas said as the large crowd that had been formed around the dais, keeping anyone from knowing exactly what was going on up there, dispersed, revealing the flower girl was back on her feet and the wedding was ready to continue, aside from the currently paused epic duel overhead.

"Phew, that's a relief," said a relieved Sora. "Though…what's that thing on her forehead?"

Riku squinted. "I can't really see from here…we're too far from the front. We can ask her about it later."

_How…odd,_ Xehanort commented. _I could have sworn I felt some great surge of dark power a moment ago. How curious. Could that be tied in to her recovery? A shame, I wanted her to die…_

_But if she was healed with White magic or a potion from the healers who went up there, where would dark power come in?_ asked a puzzled Namine.

Xehanort cackled. _Foolish girl, white magic isn't the only way to heal the wounded._

"Is that lipstick on Satan's mouth?" Kairi asked, squinting at the 'priest'. "And the same color as Aerith's, at that?"

There was a moment of silence as all six of them considered the implications of that. Then they shuddered in horror and disgust.

Sephiroth smirked and vanished his sword. "It seems my work here is done. A pity she didn't stay dead…or that this did not disrupt the proceedings as much as my benefactor intended."

"Benefactor?! Wait, since when do you work for someone else, Sephiroth?!" Cloud barked, his joy and relief at Aerith's not exactly miraculous recovery switching back to his blind hatred of the one-winged angel.

"When they give me an opportunity to fight you, Cloud. Or haven't you noticed?" Sephiroth taunted. "Nothing prevented our swords from clashing or cutting into our flesh. No power halted our duel. Nothing kept me from slaying your friend, even temporarily. Which means…the TRUCE IS OFF!" He yelled that last part especially loudly so all below could hear and realize the full implications of that statement. "And with that, I'm off. Farewell, Cloud." A dark portal appeared behind him, and he swiftly flew backwards into it.

"I'm not letting you get away, Sephiroth! Not this time!" Cloud yelled, flying through the portal right after his nemesis before it could close.

"No! Not again!" Tifa cried. "Ugh, how hard is it for him to stay in one place?! Is he avoiding me on purpose or something?!"

"You should totally dump him," Yuffie told her friend. "And get a steady guy who cares more about you than a girly-haired one-winged guy who's clearly overcompensating for something. Someone who isn't Leon, of course, since he's a cold, heartless jerk with a Cactuar shoved up his ass." Leon glared at her and growled, but said nothing.

"Yeah, you need a good man," said Cid, casually putting an arm around Tifa's shoulder. "Someone who knows how to treat a girl right."

"…Ew." Tifa delicately lifted Cid's hand off her shoulder, and then punched his lights out for being such a lech. It was only then that Sephiroth's parting words registered. "…Wait, did he say the Truce spell's been broken?!"

Murmurs started going around the room, becoming louder and louder.

"The Truce is off?"

"The Truce is off?"

"It's gone?"

"No more Truce?"

"No Truce at all?"

"Nothing to keep anyone from killing each other?"

"Or getting revenge?"

"Or settling the score?"

"Or finishing long-drawn out rivalries?"

"Which means…"

"Which means…"

The villains simultaneously grinned and leered evilly at the heroes. The Heartless suddenly realized there was nothing keeping them from devouring the hearts of everyone in the room whom they weren't working for. The heroes realized they were in for one heck of a fight. Maleficent realized her wedding was being disrupted, AGAIN, and groaned and put her face in her hands. "Does the universe not want me to get married today? Is that it?! Are the worlds trying to tell me something here?!"

Pete moaned. "Aw crap, this can't be good…"

Heroes and villains rose from their seats, archenemies exchanging insults and threats. The Demons of Wrath, Greed, Pride, and Envy exerted their influence on the guests without realizing it, deepening long-held grudges and bringing everyone closer to violence.

Oogie Boogie cackled and snapped his fingers…despite not actually having any since his hands were nubs at the ends of arms made from a large sack…and a section of floor exploded as a giant robotic death machine rose up from below, looking a lot like a giant slot machine on four flexible wheeled legs with a lever that had a scythe handle for a left arm and a regular clawed arm for the right, properly covered with skulls and horror motif to fit its owner. The giant sack of bugs somehow leaped into the air and landed in the cockpit on top of the giant slot machine. "Bwahahaha! Looks like it's time for the Revenge of Oogie Boogie, part 3! I wonder how you'll fare against my new Two-Armed Bandit, Jack!"

"That's a very nice contraption," Jack Skellington complimented as the Mayor cowered behind him and Sally looked on anxiously from the dais. "You know Oogie, if you stopped being so evil and tried to put your death machines to good use scaring people rather than killing them, I think you could become a very valued member of the community."

"Oh, really?" said Oogie, flattered. "Well, gosh, tha—hey, wait a minute! Don't change the topic! You're dead meat! Er, bones!"

"I already am dead," Jack pointed out. "I'm a skeleton."

"…Gaaahh! Whatever!" He pressed several buttons, cackling ghoulishly as his vehicle roared to life, the three wheels on the front of the machine lighting up and spinning around, stopping to reveal glowing eyes.

"Triton," hissed Shaga, his eyes going bloodshot again. "I have waited a long, long time to feast upon you."

"And it'll be a long time yet before you get that chance, if I have anything to say about it," declared Triton as he charged up his trident, Ariel (in human form) taking cover behind him. Kikida of Atlantis, seeing a fellow oceanic ruler in need, joined the merman, her Spear of Destiny glowing with even greater power than the old man's symbol of office.

"Vayne!" Queen Ashe of Dalmasca growled, unsheathing her sword as some of her knight escort clattered out of their seats to join her. "The war you have engulfed our world in will end now!"

Vayne Solidor smirked, Venat floating beside him. A number of his Imperial Swordsmen ran up to flank him. "I see it as a war of necessity, Your Majesty…one which will free our world of Ivalice at last from the tyrants which seek to control it. I may myself be doubtful of the alliances with which I have made my position stronger, but I know in my heart that what I am doing is necessary for the future of our kind! And since you clearly believe otherwise…" He drew his sword as well. "It seems that we must at last come to blows. A pity we could not see eye to eye, we really aren't that different, you and I."

"We're much more different than you care to notice, Vayne," Ashe spat back. "At least I didn't inject myself with nethicite, or begin a great war over it that killed your father and new husband, just to make myself stronger!"

"Wife," said Vayne.

"What?" said a confused Ashe.

"If it were you causing the war, you would have killed my wife, (not that I actually have one, but for comparison's sake) not my husband. I'm not gay," Vayne elaborated. There was a long silence. All, even Vayne's own guards, looked blankly at the young emperor. "What? I'm not!" Vayne insisted.

"Um…just seems odd for you to be nit-picking at a time like this, sir," grunted one of his soldiers.

Vayne frowned. "Well, if she can't be grammatically correct in her taunts, why should I have to suffer for her ignorance?"

"Hey! Just because I didn't attend a high-ranking Imperial Academy like you doesn't make me ignorant!" Ashe protested.

"Oh, yes, and I suppose they have the most _wonderful_ little schools out in Rabanastre…" Vayne said sarcastically.

"At least they taught me how to use my heart while leading!" Ashe snapped.

"Heart? I have plenty of heart!" Vayne protested.

"The fact that you have such ease controlling Heartless would suggest otherwise!" she sneered, which deeply offended him. The two rival rulers then began to engage in a long exchange of insults, leaving their soldiers confused and uncertain about whether or not they were supposed to be fighting each other now or not, since no order had been given to battle. Venat rolled his eyes, shaking his ghostly form in irritation at how ridiculous mortals could be.

Negaduck cackled and loaded his multi-ammo weapon with various lethal cartridges. "Hey, Flintheart, would you mind greatly if I kidnapped Scrooge McDuck so I can extort all the money I want out of him?"

"Not at all," Flintheart said with an evil grin. "In fact, I'll pay you a thousand munny if you can bring me his hat! I've had me eye on it for years!"

Negaduck laughed. "Deal!"

"Don't think I'm going to let you take me so easily!" Scrooge said fearlessly as his suited bodyguards surrounded him across the aisle.

"That's right! Mr. McDuck isn't going anywhere as long as I'm here!" Gizmoduck declared, various weapons sprouting from the compartments on his armor.

"What? You think you can take Negaduck on by yourself? Ha, your screws must be even looser than I thought!" commented a white-feathered mallard in a stylish purple outfit; cape, wide-brimmed fedora, and facemask as he swung down into the room on a rope tied to…somewhere...

Negaduck gasped. "It's-"

"That's right!" said the newcomer, spreading his cape out dramatically as he landed, knocking over a couple of Scrooge's bodyguards. "Whoops, sorry. Ahem, I am the terror that flaps in the night! The open gascap that causes all your fuel to leak from your car when you drive away from the gas station after forgetting to close it! The food stain that doesn't come out of your tuxedo no matter how many times you wash it, and dry it, and steam-dry it, and use all this expensive detergent and shampoo and soap on and STILL won't come out! I'm-"

"Darkwing, would ye quit showing off and protect me already?!" Scrooge snapped. "I'll give ye a thousand munny if ye can rip off Flintheart's kilt and bring it back to me, that'll teach the old greed-mongering pervert a thing or two about shame."

"Done!" Darkwing Duck said enthusiastically, loading his gas gun.

"Glad to have you aboard, DW," Gizmoduck said cheerfully.

"Yeah, just don't try TOO hard to outdo me, since we both know that's impossible," the purple crimefighter said arrogantly, puzzling Gizmoduck.

Negaduck chuckled evilly, his cape swishing dramatically behind him. "Gizmoduck AND Darkwing Duck? Hoho, what did I do to deserve such a gift?"

"Buzz Lightyear!" Zurg declared, ripping off his tux to reveal his usual outfit and cape. "Today, you DIE!" He morphed his right arm into a many-barreled laser cannon.

"You've said that before, Zurg," Buzz said confidently, wearing a tuxedo that somehow fit over his spacesuit. "And you've been wrong then, too! Just like you are now!"

"And you can't possibly defeat all of us!" said Nebula as the other Space Rangers joined them.

"You're not the only ones with powerful friends!" Zurg taunted as several of his new, improved, and heavily armed Hyper-Hornet robots teleported into the room. "I think we're more than a match for each other now, wouldn't you say?"

"Aladdin!" Mozenrath cackled, gliding over to the former street rat, his glove of power glowing. "This time, you won't escape!" A number of his shambling Mamluk horde shambled over towards them.

"Won't escape! Hahahaha! Won't escape!" Mozenrath's sycophantic flying eel cackled, flying around his master's head.

"Shut up, Xerxes," Mozenrath grumbled, swatting the eel away.

"Save a piece of him for me, will you?" Mirage purred, teleporting over. "I've been waiting a _long_ time for this…"

"Oh my," said the alarmed Sultan.

"Don't worry, your Highness!" Razoul declared as the other royal guards joined them, scimitars out. "We won't let them harm you or the princess! The street rat's fair game, though." Aladdin shot him an annoyed look at that statement.

"Aladdin, be careful!" Jasmine said anxiously. Abu, wearing a mini-tux instead of his usual vest, chittered in agreement.

"Don't worry," Aladdin assured her, drawing his own scimitar. "I've beaten team-ups between my enemies before! Although, not quite like this…or in a setting like this one, either…"

"HA! Well then, with me opposing you, you can't possibly prevail!" said a skinny, very nerdy-looking man with an aquiline nose, extendable monocle, and Greek dress and hairdo.

They stared. "Who the heck are you?" said a confused Mozenrath.

"I am Mechanicles!" the geek, er, Greek said proudly. "Genius, neat-freak, and master roboticist! Also, like you, one of Aladdin's worst enemies!"

Razoul raised an eyebrow in disbelief at the street rat. "What, this guy? I could probably snap him like a twig."

"You could," agreed Aladdin. "But his strength lies in his brains, not his body. So, Mechanicles, what evil mechanical insect have you whipped up to kill me this time?"

"Why, they're already on you!" Mechanicles crowed triumphantly. "ALL of you!"

The delegates from Agrabah blinked. "Huh?" said a confused Aladdin.

"What are you talking about?!" barked Razoul.

"Yes, there's nothing on us," Jasmine said, scratching her arm. Then her other arm. Then her forehead. Then her chest, her legs, her shoulders, her face, and everywhere else, just as the others found themselves doing, to their surprise. "Ah! So…itchy!"

"My word, what's happening?!" the Sultan cried, scratching frantically. Abu screeched in frustration as he failed to stop the itchiness from spreading all over his hairy body. He tore off his tuxedo to better get at the fur on his chest, but that didn't help either.

"Mechanicles, what have you done?!" Aladdin demanded, scratching himself everywhere.

"I'm kind of wondering the same thing," murmured Mirage, folding her arms.

Mechanicles cackled with triumph. "My latest invention! Mechanical fleas! They were a pain to make, let me tell you, until I figured out how to program them to build themselves! Now they can swarm any target I choose and render them totally helpless through constant, non-stop itching! Bwahahaha-" He broke off, hacking and wheezing convulsively. "Ack, my lungs…"

"That's…actually pretty good," Mozenrath admitted reluctantly. His zombies moaned in agreement.

"Yeah, I know how nasty it is to get fleas," Mirage said, absently scratching her furry arms. "Mrowr! Not fun."

"Ack! Genie!" Aladdin called, dropping his scimitar to scratch with both hands, and then used one hand to pull a brass oil lamp out of his pants. "Help us out here!"

"Sorry Al!" a voice boomed from inside the small lamp. "The bugs got in here too! And they're multiplying like crazy! Looks like I'm gonna have to fumigate in here! Be with you in a jiffy…I think…" Greenish gas soon began pouring out of the lamp, causing Aladdin and his friends to cough until he put it back in his pants.

The ex-thief moaned as his three grinning nemeses closed in on him. "This is very bad…and I can't stop ITCHING! ARGH!"

"Lady Bane," Igthorn said, sidling over to the bridesmaid. "I think perhaps it would be advantageous if we got out of here…" He grasped her hand.

"Don't touch me," she said coldly, wrenching her hand away. He sighed and slumped his shoulders, shot down yet again. He walked back to the pews and told his ogres, who were picking their noses, to get ready for a fight.

King Richard laughed boomingly as he pulled out his sword, spying the sniveling Prince John hiding under his bench across the aisle. "At last, this is the moment I've been waiting for! Robin, call your Merry Men! It's time to retake my kingdom!"

"…Yes sir," Robin Hood said after a moment, as full of doubts as to his sworn liege's leadership qualities as he had been the night before. He whistled, and a variety of anthropomorphic animals in bright green garb bounded over to them. Cruella observed them curiously, wondering what kind of clothes she could make out of the hides of Robin's band and how much they would sell for.

Prince John bawled pathetically and desperately started crawling away when he saw his brother's forces forming up. "MOMMY, HELP ME!"

"This could get ugly," Shang said, drawing his sword. "Mu—I mean, Ping! Guard the emperor! Soldiers, to me!" His men quickly raced over, in full regalia and sword, ready to fight to protect their Emperor.

"Don't worry, your Excellency," Mulan said gruffly in her man's voice. "We won't let anything happen to you!"

The venerable old man nodded. "I know you will not, my friends. I have the utmost trust in your skills."

"You hear that, Mulan? He's got trust in our skills! Does this mean we get a raise?" Mushu, a very small red guardian dragon, asked as he poked his serpentine head out of Mulan's collar.

"Mushu!" Mulan hissed, shoving him back in. "Now's not the time!"

"Well, I would've known that if you didn't keep STUFFING ME in here!" he yelled, his voice muffled by his charge's armor. "Some guys might find this kinky, but for me it's getting real old REAL fast!"

"Is it so necessary for you to keep him a secret from the other soldiers?" the Emperor wondered as the warriors formed up around Shang. "I would think a firebreather like Mushu would come in handy."

"It's not that I want to keep him a secret, Your Excellency," Mulan said with a sigh. "So much as a desire to keep him from getting his head separated from his shoulders due to his shouting his mouth off."

"I heard that!" Mushu shouted mutedly from somewhere near Mulan's right armpit.

"Guards, quick, protect your divine emperor!" Kuzco yelled. "Guards?" He turned around to see his painted warriors were all cowering in fear. "Huh? What's so scar-" He turned around. "OH HOLY GODS ABOVE AND BELOW!"

"Mwahahaha! That's right, Kuzco, fear me!" Yzma cackled as she leered at him. "My vengeance will be most terrible, and your kingdom shall finally be mine!"

"How…how can anything be SO UGLY?!" Kuzco screamed in horror.

Yzma blinked. "…Wait, what?"

Kuzco shuddered in revulsion, shielding his eyes and turning away from her, shivering in fear. "There truly are things men were not meant to see! And your face is one of them!"

"…Oh come on, I'm not that ugly! I'm even wearing makeup for this occasion!" Yzma snapped.

"EXACTLY!" Kuzco and his guards yelled at her.

Yzma's eye twitched. "KRONK! Get over here! Tell these fools how beautiful I am, and then beat up Kuzco!"

"Uh, no can do, boss," Yzma's bumbling but lovable strongman minion Kronk said, holding his hands over his face. "I can't beat 'em up if I can't see 'em. And besides, wouldn't it be nicer if we just all sat down and talked about this over some nice tasty food? I could cook, if you want me to."

Yzma fumed. "Then OPEN YOUR EYES, you twit! THEN you can see them and beat them to a pulp!"

"Uh, but, I…ah, can't. Nope. Glued my eyes shut by accident. Yessir, stupid of me I admit, but these sorts of things happen to me all the time, don't you know," Kronk said, refusing to take his hands away from his face.

"…Kronk, do you think I'm ugly too?" Yzma asked finally.

"Huh? Oh, no ma'am, not at all, you're a very lovely woman, you'll just have to excuse me if I don't look directly at your face…" Kronk stammered quickly.

Yzma gritted her teeth, lost her temper, grabbed Kronk by the wrists and yanked his hands from his face. Kronk automatically opened his eyes and beheld his boss's face. "Well? Am I not beautiful?" Kronk responded by screaming shrilly, wrenching his hands from her clammy grip, and running away as fast as he could, cowering behind a pillar and sucking his thumb as he tried to get the horrible image burned into his retinas out of his mind. Yzma sagged. "Why do I even bother getting up in the morning?"

"Don't! Stay in bed! Die, like you should have when the meteor wiped out the rest of the dinosaurs!" Kuzco yelled, covering his eyes so as not to look at her. Yzma sighed and walked away, feeling very depressed and in need of some ice cream.

"We should probably stay out of this," Waternoose murmured to Shere Khan as both of them quietly slipped away from the pews, taking their respective bodyguards with them, and stood a safe distance away from the fight that would no doubt break out any minute. "No real stake in it, you know, and it's not like I have any reason to fight, I have no real enemies on the other side of the room…my bodyguards can protect me from any of these other interlopers, so there's no reason I should put myself in any danger."

The tiger nodded. "Yes, I quite agree. There is no reason to get my hands dirty in a petty struggle like this, especially when I am still undecided as to which side I am on. Would you like to make a wager, then, while we watch?"

"A wager, you say?" the spidery monster businessman asked dubiously.

"Yes, a small sum of money, a trifle really, on the outcome of this battle," Khan elaborated. "Just a little bet, to make things interesting."

"Hmm…I have a better idea," Waternoose said with a wry smile.

Shere Khan raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"How about this: each of us picks a side. I will choose the new alliance of worlds, the 'heroes', since I have already agreed to work with them, and you will choose the side of those who seek to conquer the galaxy, since they are the side that approached you first. Whichever side wins, the one of us who picked the losing side must join permanently. Interesting enough for you?" Waternoose said with a smirk.

"Hmm…" Shere Khan purred for a moment. "One could say that this is a foolish gamble, since fate seems to favor the forces of good in conflicts such as this. And yet…" He pulled out a coin, flipped it, and caught it in his palm. "What's a good game without a little risk? Very well, it's a wager. Let's see what happens next, shall we?"

"Hmm…" Prince Adam glanced around, Belle anxiously holding his arm. "I don't see Gaston here…oh well, was looking forward to punching his face in. No matter, I'll make do with whatever opponent wishes to challenge me. I won't let anyone hurt you, Belle." He drew his sword to prove this. Just because he was no longer a beast did not mean he could no longer fight.

"I am not certain that this battle is a wise decision…but we shall be ready, regardless!" Alphamon declared. "Royal Knights, assemble!" His knights quickly formed up before him.

"Craniummon, reporting for duty!" said a large, dark blue armored humanoid Digimon with a skull-like helmet, double-bladed spear and shield.

"Crusadermon, willing and ready to battle in the name of justice!" said a slim, feminine warrior in pink armor with numerous long yellow ribbons, a yellow shield on her right arm, and holding a rose in her left hand.

"Duftmon, reporting in!" said a knight with white and dark brown armor, wings, a helmet resembling a black leopard with a long yellow mane (Yes, I know leopards don't have manes), and a rapier.

"Dynasmon, ready to unleash the power of the Royal Knights upon our enemies!" said a tall warrior in thick white armor with gold trim and numerous bronze downward-pointed studs, ragged purple dragon wings, red jewels in the palms of his purple metal gloves, and a helmet with white horns pointing forward.

"Gallantmon, prepared to fight for honor!" said a muscular knight in white and red armor with a long red cape, red and gold pauldrons, a helmet looking oddly like a small red reptile with bat-wing ears that liked to eat bread, and a lance and shield. What looked like the symbol for radioactive hazards marked his pauldrons, chestplate, and kneepads.

"UlforceVeedramon, here to champion valor!" said a rather tall knight in mostly blue armor with a big gold V-crest on his chest, large dragon wings, and a blue horned helmet, looking overall quite draconic in nature.

"Omnimon, ready to end all evil!" said a mighty (though surprisingly slim) warrior covered in white armor with black, blue and yellow markings, a white cape with red interior, a arms ending in what looked like large armored heads rather than hands, an orange triceratops for the left, and a blue wolf for the right.

"Sleipmon, here to lead the way to victory!" said a six-legged centaur-like paladin covered in red armor with a crossbow on his left arm and a shield on his right, a long purple mane going back from his horse-shaped head.

"Magnamon, here for action!" said the smallest of the group, a blue-skinned reptilian humanoid with absolutely no armor, wearing…a barrel…

"Magnamon, where is your armor?" Alphamon asked in confusion.

"Ah…" Magnamon scratched the back of his head embarrassedly. "That's kind of a funny story, actually…some pirate with neat dreads managed to steal it right off of me…" Jack Sparrow, carrying several pieces of golden armor, tiptoed by unnoticed, snickering to himself as the other Knights groaned in disappointment and embarrassment.

"What, _again_?!" Alphamon said incredulously. "Dammit, Magnamon, this is the fifth time this year! Armor like yours is very expensive to replace, it doesn't grow on trees, you know!"

"I thought it did…" said a confused Duftmon.

"Once it did, but the tree that grew it is dead, remember?" Craniummon said. "Some humans blew it up, because it was the embodiment of an evil computer god that was trying to destroy their world and control ours. We even worked for it for a while, before realizing which side we were truly meant to fight for."

"Oh, right."

"Sorry sir, won't happen again!" Magnamon insisted.

"That's what you said the last time…" muttered UlforceVeedramon, looking ashamed.

Alphamon sighed. "Son, have you ever considered wearing armor that's _not_ made of gold? It would be a lot less appealing to thieves and scalawags."

"But sir, it wouldn't be nearly as shiny! Or cool!" Magnamon protested, causing the others to groan again.

"Give me strength…" muttered Alphamon, rubbing his temples. "Look, we'll talk about this later. For now, stay out of the way, without your armor you're more of a liability than an aid. Try and find the pirate who took it if you can, if not, just try not to get into any trouble, okay?"

"Sir, yes sir!" said Magnamon, saluting, and losing his grip on his barrel in the process, showing everyone far too much of himself than they wanted to see. "Uh, whoops," he said, quickly pulling it back up.

"Why's he in the Royal Knights again?" Dynasmon whispered. "He's not even on our level!"

"Shh, be nice, he's UlforceVeedramon's cousin," Gallantmon whispered back. "And he was just so adorable at auditions! We couldn't turn him down!"

"Well, with his track rate, we'll probably need to call new auditions," Sleipmon grumbled. "REAL soon…especially since we're already three members down thanks to those cursed Heartless!"

"Well, it'll be about time," Crusadermon commented. "I'm tired of being the only woman in this organization. We need more females to counteract all the testosterone flying about!"

Don Chocobo fidgeted and squawked anxiously. His Moogle bodyguards were pulling weapons out of their suits while Montblac activated a cell phone. "Don't worry Don; we won't let anything happen to youse, kupo. Our ships in orbit are ready to beam youse up, send down reinforcements, and even lay down suppressive fire before making a quick getaway if necessary. Kupo! If these joiks think they can mess with the Trade Federation just because we're such cute and fluffy representatives, they've got another thing coming!"

Tifa cracked her knuckles, while Cid pulled out a lance and fingered a device in one of his pockets. "Somehow, I always thought it might come down to a fight. You ready, Cid?"

"Yep," the grizzled pilot said with a nod. "With the help of _that_, there's no way those Heartless or these other creeps will get the best of us! Ain't that right, Yuffie, Leon?" There was no answer. "Yuffie? Leon?" Cid looked and saw that there was no sign of either of them, other than a discarded kimono.

"Huh?" said a confused Tifa, lowering her fists. "Where'd they go?"

"Mwehehehehe!" Yuffie, in her ninja garb, cackled to herself, sneaking through the pews stealthfully and robbing everyone blind. "This is the perfect opportunity for the Great Ninja Yuffie to do some pickpocketing, while everyone's distracted and blind with rage!" She reached into the unnoticing Scrooge McDuck's pocket…

And bumped hands with another thief who seemed to have gotten the same idea she did. "Hey, watch where you're-" they both started to yell at each other, before locking eyes and realizing who they had run into. Both leaped back, getting into combat stances.

"Pirate," hissed Yuffie, pulling out her giant shuriken.

"Ninja," snarled Jack Sparrow, summoning his Keyblade.

The war between ninjas and pirates had gone on for millennia, an enmity as old as time and bridging the gulfs of space, its original cause lost to history but the conflict ongoing even in this day and age. Pirates and ninjas hated each other upon sight, even if they had never heard of the war, the spite between them so deep it was passed down from generation to generation through their genes.

And so it came to pass that Yuffie and Jack, people born and bred on totally different worlds, both thieves and reckless but lovable scalawags, were transformed into yet two more soldiers in this endless war, and each knew at once that they could not allow the other to live.

"Looks like our fighting isn't over yet, eh Goliath?" Arthur asked rhetorically, drawing the legendary sword Excalibur from its scabbard, the enchanted blade ringing with a unique tone as it swung through the air.

"A pity it isn't Oberon we're about to fight," said Goliath, pulling out an iron-headed mace. "I was so looking forward to smashing his head in with this…" His clansmen and –women, either wielding their own iron weapons, high-tech guns provided by their benefactor Xanatos, or good old-fashioned claws, growled and muttered in agreement. The Fae lord had no friends left among the Gargoyles. Even those who Oberon had permitted to dwell on Avalon had vacated to help their relatives when they heard of the war in the outer world, sickened as well by their host's lack of compassion and clear contempt for the mortals he was leaving to die. The leader of the Third Race had much to answer for, if they had anything to say about it.

"If you wish to sate your bloodlust so dearly…perhaps I could be of assistance?" Morgan le Fay offered seductively, teleporting over.

"Morgan le Fay!!" Arthur cried furiously, gripping his sword with both hands.

"Arthur, who is she?" asked a concerned Goliath.

"She's the witch who set into motion the machinations which destroyed Camelot!" Arthur said angrily. "In a way, it's because of her that I wound up on Avalon, my kingdom gone, and had to start all over again when I was finally awakened!"

"Now Arthur, you give me too much credit…had you not been such an abysmal ruler, your kingdom might have survived your death," Morgan taunted.

"Those are fighting words, witch!" Arthur said angrily, getting into a combat stance. "Merlin may be your usual opponent, Morgan, but I'm certainly going to give you as good as I've got, for what you did to Camelot!"

"And we shall help you," Goliath said, he and his clan stepping forward. "You are our ally, and an enemy of yours is an enemy of ours! Brothers and sisters, this wicked enchantress may not be Oberon, but surely she is just as deserving of our fury as he!" They roared in affirmation and rattled their weapons, showing Morgan they were ready for a fight. The ancient sorceress cackled and levitated into the air, just as ready to give them the battle of their lives.

"Looks like we're going to be in our first real fight," Max said eagerly, pulling out his sword as the other Disney troops stirred restlessly. "It's about time!"

"Max, I'm not so sure about this," PJ said anxiously, whipping out his shield. "I'm not sure we're ready just yet…not to mention, this is my dad's wedding! We should be trying to _stop_ the fight, not participate in it!"

"We'll do whatever our King tells us to," Goofy said firmly, glancing at King Mickey up on the dais, who was looking back and forth between the two warmongering groups of guests anxiously. "As is our duty, hyuck! Just give the order, Your Majesty, and we'll fight to the finish! Though, I kinda hope he won't…gawrsh, I don't wanna fight!"

"I hope my wedding won't be this nuts…" PJ grumbled to himself.

"This is why I'm never getting married," Donald agreed.

"Donald!" Daisy snapped.

"Ahahaha, did I say 'never getting married'? I meant…ah…never getting married in a church! Yeah. Eloping's fine, baby!" he said anxiously, sweat rolling through his feathers. (Can birds sweat, actually?) This didn't mollify Daisy in the least, since she wanted a big and beautiful wedding, and so she slapped Donald and stormed off. "Yeah, laugh all you want now, boys…" Donald growled, rubbing his cheek as PJ and Max tried to stifle their giggles, which were very unfit for disciplined soldiers. "Let's see you laugh about it when _you've_ got girlfriends…"

"Oh man…this is crazy!" Sora said worriedly. "It looks like a major fight's going to break out any minute!"

_Yeah, isn't it awesome?_ Roxas said eagerly. _It's like that one song, Ultimate Battle of Ultimate Destiny or something…we just need Optimus Prime, Godzilla, and Chuck Norris and we're all set!_

"A lot of our friends could die here if this battle gets too far out of hand," said an alarmed Kairi. "We can't let that happen! We have to do something!"

_Yes, this is supposed to be a wedding, not a free-for-all!_ Agreed Namine.

Riku nodded in agreement and stood up. "Right, let's get to the front of the room; see if we can't talk some sense into these guys from where everyone can see us."

_Must we?_ Xehanort complained.

"We'll be closer to Maleficent."

_Oh, never mind then._

However, no sooner did the heroes rise from their seats when none other than the cybernetic Captain Hook barred their path. "Not so fast, brats!" His right hand transformed into a glowing red laser sword, and his left into a laser buzzsaw. "Sora, you cost me my other hand…and most of my body! And now that the Truce spell is gone, I can finally pay you back for what you did to me." Cackling insanely, he raised his arms, which were buzzing ominously. "I wonder how _your_ screams will sound when I cut off most of _your _body!"

"Oh, crap…" Sora groaned, summoning his Keyblade. Kairi and Riku did the same. "Uh, I don't suppose you'll accept an apology, will you?"

"What do you think?" Hook asked rhetorically, raising his sword and preparing to strike.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on there!" Hades said, teleporting over in a burst of flame. "You may have first dibs, but don't I deserve a piece of him too? After all, he knocked me into a river of souls and humiliated me half a dozen times in various tournaments!"

"Pft, so what? I doubt any of that hurt as much as getting most of your body eaten by a crocodile!" Hook shot back.

"No, but getting the crap beaten out of you by a Keyblade hurts like hell, you know! That thing's surprisingly tough for a dinky little key-shaped sword!" Hades retorted. They quickly got into a heated debate over which of them deserved to kill Sora first, allowing the trio of Keyblade wielders to quietly move in the opposite direction…

Only to find their way blocked by Leon. "Fight me, Sora," Leon said coldly, holding his Gunblade in one hand and his odd cell phone in the other. "This time, I will prevail."

The three groaned. Somehow, Sora had known Roxas' words would come back to haunt him. "Um, look, Leon, now's really not the time-"

"What's wrong? Too afraid to fight me?" Leon shot at him. "That's funny; I wouldn't have thought the Keyblade would pick a chickenheart to be its chosen wielder!"

"What, that's the best you can come up?" Kairi said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, I came up with better taunts in my sleep," Riku agreed. "Literally, since most of the time I'm using them against the lunatic sharing my head and dreams…"

_And most of those taunts really hurt my feelings, too, _Xehanort sniffed. _You didn't need to call me those things…_

"Leon, if you're trying to goad me into fighting you by insulting my courage, it's not going to work," Sora said plainly.

_Let me at 'im! Let me at 'im!_ Roxas howled. _I'll teach that pussy cat to call me a coward!_

_I'm starting to think we need to put one of those two on medication…_ Namine said quietly, to which Kairi, Riku, and Xehanort agreed, the latter only because he hoped Roxas would be allergic to the medication and die.

"I don't suppose we can just talk this out?" Sora prompted.

"No," Leon said, pointing his sword at Sora. "We can't." He was beyond reason, his bitter enmity with Sora strengthened by the influence of the Demons of Wrath, Pride, and Envy. While there might have been a chance of them persuading him to wait until a better time to duel otherwise, now there was no convincing him.

"Then I guess we'll just have to give him a fight, if he wants one so badly," Kairi suggested. "Three on one, he can't possibly beat us, right?"

"No contest," agreed Riku.

"So, you all think less of me just because Sora beat me a few times, huh?" Leon snapped. "Well, I'll show you…I'll take on all three of you at once! Come at me!"

_Yeah, he's seriously lost it…_ muttered Roxas. _So let's kick his ass!_

_If we must…_said a reluctant Namine.

_I want his heart! _Xehanort howled malevolently, quieting when Riku started humming 'It's a Small World'.

"I guess…if he wants it so badly…" Sora set his face and raised his Keyblade. "We have no choice but to give him exactly what he wants! Let's get him!" Leon smirked and stepped forward, when…

"Hold!" a familiar voice called, halting them before they could begin their battle. "_I_ shall have the right of challenge, not he!" A figure in red dropped from the ceiling, holding a sword in each of his many arms. "Gilgamesh, the greatest warrior who ever lived, will be your opponent!" Enkidu barked happily as he trotted around. Ultros started playing Gilamesh's theme song, 'Battle on the Big Bridge', on the pipe organ. The trio/sextet blinked. Leon fumed. Hades and Hook continued to argue.

"Um…you want to fight me?" asked a confused Sora.

"That is correct!" said Gilgamesh.

"Oh. Uh, why?"

"As a great warrior, my power increases with every new legendary sword I obtain, AKA take from defeated opponents," Gilgamesh explained. "I have many of them: the Buster Sword, Chocobo Gunblade, Orichalcon, Brotherhood, Zanetusken, Tournesol, Wyrmhero blade, and Excalipur. However, I have yet to add the Masamune or a Keyblade to my collection! With either of those, I can be truly undefeatable!"

"Wait, so you want to fight Sora because you think you'll get a Keyblade if you beat him? Or steal it?" Kairi asked.

"Essentially, yes," Gilgamesh admitted.

"Um…that won't work," Sora said apologetically. "The Keyblade can't be stolen; it's connected to me by a mystical bond that can't be broken. It just returns to me whenever you try to take it."

"Oh," said Gilgamesh, many shoulders sagging in disappointment. "But…surely if I defeat a warrior as great as yourself, perhaps I will receive a Keyblade as proof of my victory?"

"Well…that seems to be part of this guy's logic," Riku said, gesturing at Leon. "I mean, he wants a Keyblade too, and thinks if he can beat Sora he'll prove himself worthy of one."

"I do not!" Leon snapped.

"Yes you do," they all said deadpan.

"Plus, I once thought that by beating Sora I could prove myself worthy too…and I was wrong. I had to earn the Keyblade by my own merit, not by fighting its true wielder," Riku elaborated. "It doesn't work that way."

"Hmm…I see…" Gilgamesh murmured. "Yes, I suppose that makes sense. Very well! I shall simply have to find a Keyblade of my own somehow!"

"If Jack Sparrow could do it, I suppose you can too," Sora said optimistically. "So if we can just go now…"

"Hmm? Ha! No, of course not!" Gilgamesh laughed.

Their faces fell. "What? Why?!" Kairi insisted.

"I still must fight you!" the many-armed swordsman declared. "Even if I will not gain a Keyblade, I must still do battle to show my prowess and test your skills!" They all groaned, and Leon got even more frustrated.

_Looks like a lot of people here have a one-track mind,_ Namine commented.

_A track which shall steadily draw them…into DARKNESS!_ Xehanort cackled madly before noticing everyone regarding him awkwardly. _What? I haven't said anything like that for a while, it was making me antsy._

_Can't we all just get along?_ Complained Namine.

_No,_ said Roxas.

"If you want Sora, wait your turn!" Leon snapped, shoving past Gilgamesh. "I'm fighting him first! He's had this coming for a long time!"

"I'm afraid I must object," Gilgamesh said with a frown, elbowing Leon away. "It would be unfair to fight him when he is not at the peak of his ability, which he most certainly will not be if he's exerted a good deal of energy fighting you!"

"The same applies to me!" Leon argued. "How can I prove I'm better than him if I don't trounce him when we're both at our strongest, either?!"

Riku suddenly had a brilliant idea. "Why don't you two fight each other, then?" he suggested. "And then the winner can fight Sora?"

"No! Sora's my opponent, not him!" Leon shouted angrily, but Gilgamesh seemed more receptive to this idea.

"Hmm…might I take this warrior's sword if I best him?" Gilgamesh asked.

"Sure, knock yourself out," said Riku.

"What?! No way! You're not getting my Gunblade!" Leon protested, hugging his sword to his chest. "Besides, you already have a Gunblade!"

"Yes, but mine is Chocobo-patterned! Yours has a lion, and a winged one at that! A true collector's item! I simply must have it! Come Enkidu, let us do battle!" Enkidu, who had been marking his territory on one of the support pillars, barked and rushed over to his master's side.

"And that's our cue to exit," Kairi interpreted as they quickly rushed past Gilgamesh and Leon.

"No, wait!!!" Leon yelled, trying to run after them, only for Gilgamesh to block his way.

"You are going nowhere until we do battle!" the many-armed swordsman declared. "Sora, do not run off too far! For I shall come for you next!"

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to that!" Sora yelled back as they hurried around the pews, heading past the tensing and increasingly bloodthirsty guests on their side of the room. "If it weren't for the fact that Leon's pissing me off and I don't really want to fight ANYBODY right now, I might have felt bad about that…"

Riku laughed and clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. "We'll make a badass out of you yet, Sora!"

_Yeah! Though he'll never be as badass as me,_ Roxas said arrogantly.

_It shouldn't be that hard,_ Namine commented. _I mean, he already wears Moomba-patterned underwear and cuddles a stuffed Chocobo in his sleep, just like you do._

Roxas flushed as Xehanort laughed boomingly and the others (except an embarrassed Sora) snickered, although to be truthful they had already known Sora's nocturnal habits after years of friendship and sleepovers. _Hey! It is not a Chocobo, it's a Behemoth! There's nothing cuddly about those, they're giant horrible monsters!_

"I don't know, I think that smaller and plushier, they'd be pretty cute," Kairi commented, causing both Riku, Sora, and Namine to snicker and Roxas to loudly declare that Behemoths were not cute and cuddly and he was most certainly a hardcore badass motherfucker all the way, which nobody paid any attention to.

However, their progress was halted once more when Nosimono stepped out in front of them. "Hey Big Brother!"

They stopped. "Uh, hi Nosimono," Riku said awkwardly, as uncertain as ever how to converse with his clone. "Um, could you get out of the way please? We kind of need to reach the front of the room to try and stop this place from exploding into all-out war…"

"Oh, sure thing!" Nosimono said cheerfully. They started forward. "But first…you have to fight me!"

They all groaned. "Somehow, I'm not surprised," Riku grumbled.

_I saw_ _this coming,_ Namine complained.

_May I possess him?_ Xehanort asked hopefully.

_NO! _Roxas and Namine yelled at him.

"Can't we do anything without fighting for once?!" Sora whined.

"Speak for yourself, I'm jealous!" Kairi complained, influenced by Leviathan. "Why do you guys get all the nemeses and archenemies, but nobody's interested in fighting little old me?"

"Nosimono, now _really_ isn't the time," Riku said, exasperated. "If we're going to save your mom's wedding, we need to get to the front, where everyone can see and hear us, as fast as possible, before the fighting breaks out."

"Then Sora and Kairi can go," Nosimono suggested. "And you stay and fight me!"

_Sounds good to me. Let's go! _Roxas urged.

"No, hang on! We can't leave Riku!" Sora protested.

_Ugh. Spoilsport._

"Nosimono, why do you want to fight Riku?" Kairi asked the clone. Prompted by Namine, she asked, "Is it because you feel it necessary to defeat the original to prove your own existence worthwhile?"

"Huh? No, I'm fine with who I am!" Nosimono said. "I just want to fight him to try out my new weapon! And see which of us is better, that is. He beat my other brother, so I want to see how good I am in comparison to him! But, I think that since I got the weapon my brother never could, I _must_ already be somewhat stronger than he ever was!"

Sora, Kairi, Roxas, and Namine blinked in confusion, though Riku paled. "No…you can't…you can't possibly have…"

"Yep! A Keyblade of my own!" Nosimono held out his hand and shadows rushed to him, coalescing in the form of an all too-familiar weapon: a long black metal rod with a pointed red circular frame around the hilt to form a handle, the rod ending in a series of spikes and a long curved hook which, when looked at carefully enough, formed the outline of a heart, or where a heart might have been if a certain piece of metal hadn't been removed to form the sharp and jagged points on the blades. The Keyblade, lacking a keychain, was oozing with darkness, and causing Xehanort to drool as the others reacted with gasps of shock and horror. As well they should, for they recognized this Keyblade at once: it had been the weapon Riku had gained after Xehanort had possessed him and used it to transform Maleficent into a dragon before trying to use it to kill Sora. The weapon Sora had used on himself to free Kairi's heart from inside him, transforming himself into a Heartless in the process. The weapon which, accidentally, had led to the creation of Roxas and Namine…

And now it was in Nosimono's hands. How had he gotten it?!

"How did you get that?!" the heroes demanded. Hey, I just said that…

"Through hard work and a lot of training!" Nosimono explained, in the process explaining nothing. "So now I wanna test it against yours and see which of us is better! Come on Big Brother, it'll be fun!"

"Uh, just a sec," Riku said. "Group huddle!" They quickly huddled up for a brief conference, leaving Nosimono by himself.

"I don't like this," Kairi hissed. "I remember that Keyblade. Nothing good can come of him having it."

"Yeah, especially considering I stabbed myself with it," said the anxious Sora. "That REALLY hurt, and I don't want Riku or anyone else to have to feel like that again. How did he get that Keyblade?! And how can we get it away from him, it's much too dangerous for anyone's hands!"

_We can't take it from him without killing him,_ Roxas said. _The fact that he has it implies that it chose him, and so won't leave willingly. Riku was only able to take yours that one time by…hey, actually, I don't know how he got yours. Riku, how'd you steal it? And use one of mine for a little while, when we first met?_

"I'm not sure," Riku admitted. "I think I was able to use Roxas' Oblivion Keyblade because in some strange way, it represents my bond with Sora…or something like that. Kairi can use Oathkeeper for the same reason, because it symbolizes her bond with Sora. Or maybe because the keychain was originally hers to begin with. As for Sora's Keyblade, I think I…confused it, somehow. Just like Sora, I was always destined to have a Keyblade of my own, so maybe it got mixed up when I called it…"

"No, wait, that can't be it!" Sora protested. "If that were the case, then Jack would've been able to hold onto my Keyblade for longer than he did! He has his own Keyblade now too, so it can't have been that mine was confused because we were both destined to have one!"

_Yeah, I don't think you _can_ confuse these things,_ Roxas agreed. _They're bound to our hearts. That means we're the only ones who can use our respective Keyblades, though we seem to be able to share the keychains we use to empower them. So the fact that Riku was able to use Sora's even briefly…or the one Nosimono now has, for a little while…is rather disturbing._

_And come to think of it, he was able to carry Kairi's around too for a while before giving it to her, rather than her finding it herself,_ Namine added. _How'd he do that?_

"I found it somewhere," said Riku, a troubled look on his face. "In the Realm of Darkness, while training with DiZ. It never occurred to me that I might be able to hang onto it; I just knew at once it didn't belong to me but needed me to get to its rightful owner. And so I gave it to Kairi when the time came. Did I confuse that Keyblade, too?"

_It's because of the darkness in your heart,_ Xehanort boasted. _A darkness so powerful it was able to overwhelm the Keyblade's light, and even craft one of its own out of the hearts of the six other Princesses of Hearts! But for Nosimono to have been able to summon that same Keyblade on his own, without _any_ hearts implies ENORMOUS power within him…power that Riku neglects to use! Riku, how would you like it if I vacated you for your brother? You'll finally get your head to yourself again!_

"Hell no," Riku said. "I'd rather have you locked up in here with me than on the loose in someone else's head, someone who may be more susceptible to your lies than I am."

_Curses, foiled again!_

"Maybe it wasn't the darkness or destiny at all that got the Keyblades mixed up," Kairi suddenly voiced. "Maybe they _chose_ to go with Riku both times, even for a little while."

They looked at her in confusion. "Huh?" said Riku.

"What do you mean, Kairi?" asked Sora.

"Well, the Keyblade's supposed to choose its wielder, right?" she suggested. "So…maybe that's not the limit of its abilities. Maybe it can choose other things too. Maybe even _think_ on its own."

They considered that for a moment. "That's…kind of creepy," said a disturbed Sora, looking at his own Keyblade. "I'm not sure I like the idea of using a living thing, even if it's an inanimate object, as a weapon."

_Eh, doesn't bother me much,_ Roxas said unworriedly.

"So, what are you saying here, exactly?" Riku asked Kairi.

"I'm thinking that Sora's Keyblade may have chosen to go to you as some kind of test…to see how Sora could do without it, and whether or not you deserved to have one just yet," Kairi suggested. "I think one of you told me before that the Keyblade was supposed to go to Riku in the first place, but because he went all dark it chose Sora instead. Maybe this was a way for the Keyblade to decide once and for all who was supposed to be its master."

Sora frowned at that, not liking the thought that he was only the Keyblade's second choice. "And what about the dark Keyblade?" Riku questioned. "You know, the one Nosimono kind of has now?"

_Yes, I was wondering the same thing,_ agreed Xehanort.

"Well…" Kairi thought for a moment. "If people can be good or evil, maybe Keyblades, if they're more alive than we think they are, can be good or evil too. And _that_ Keyblade's certainly not good. So maybe after Sora's Keyblade definitively chose him, and Riku let Xehanort into his heart, the dark Keyblade decided that he would be a fitting wielder of its power and appeared to him by fusing the power of the other six Princesses of Heart. And it appeared to Nosimono now because it sees him as having the potential for evil Riku's denied, and so wants him to wield its power."

"Then how come I was able to hold it and use it to stab myself?" Sora asked.

_Yeah, if the dark Keyblade's evil, it wouldn't want him touching it,_ Roxas pointed out.

Kairi had to think a bit on this one. "Welll…it probably wouldn't," she agreed. "But…Sora was going to _stab_ himself with it, and as an evil weapon, how could it possibly miss the chance to do that?"

_She makes a good point,_ agreed Xehanort. _I would have done the same thing. If I were an evil weapon, I mean._

"And Sora, as Keyblade Master, also has some weird connection to the Princesses of Heart, and since the dark Keyblade was at that point made from their hearts maybe that was enough to let him hold and use it temporarily," Kairi suggested.

"This is all getting kind of complicated," Sora complained. "And what about your Keyblade, Kairi?"

"I found it," Riku said. "But knew it didn't belong to me. So maybe it consciously chose to come with me for a while until I could bring it to Kairi, who it rightfully belonged to?"

"But why didn't it appear to me the way either of yours did?" Kairi asked. "I never had a bizarre surrealistic 'Awakening' dream like you, Sora, or even Jack had to get their Keyblades. You just handed it to me."

_I didn't need a dream to get my Keyblades,_ Roxas said. _They were just there with me when I came into nonexistence. Although…I did have an 'Awakening' while I was running around in the fake Twilight Town for some reason._

_That was my fault,_ Namine confessed.

_It was?_ Said a surprised Roxas.

_Yes, I programmed that part in. DiZ said it would help align you more with Sora and make the final merge that much easier. And I guess he was right._

_Lousy old man,_ Roxas grumbled hatefully.

"Maybe you didn't need to be Awakened?" Sora suggested.

"Why not?" asked Kairi.

"Um…I dunno…"

_Hey,_ Roxas said, struck by a sudden thought. _Do you think Nosimono had an Awakening too?_

They considered that for a moment. Then they turned to the clone patiently leaning against a column and asked, "Nosimono?"

"Yeah?" he asked, perking up. "Can we fight now?"

"Just a sec," said Riku. "Did you have any weird…dreams before you got your Keyblade? Or did it just pop out of nowhere and appear before you?"

Nosimono frowned and scratched his chin in thought. "Hmm…come to think of it, I _did_ have a really strange dream last night…and when I woke up this morning, I had my Keyblade!"

"What kind of dream was it?" Sora asked. "Did it involve falling into an ocean, doves flying out of the ground somehow, traversing various stained-glass platforms floating in a void of darkness while battling Heartless and/or Nobodies, opening doors, answering questions from oddly unresponsive people you care about, following the lead of some mysterious and mildly annoying unseen voice, culminating in a battle with a giant monster that resulted in you being swallowed by darkness before waking up?"

"Hey yeah, how'd you know?" said a surprised Nosimono. "That's almost exactly what happened to me! Except I didn't fall into an ocean, I just found myself there, they were ravens like Diablo instead of doves, and I'm not sure _what_ I fought but they were pretty tough, especially that last one…actually, I think it might have been my brother. The other clone, I mean. Or maybe it was the real Riku? Or maybe…well, I can't really remember what happened or who it was. Oh, and I ran into what looked like Mom, Dad, and Uncle Zexion, but they asked all these weird questions and didn't really respond to me. And I kept wanting to find that voice, it was really bugging me and kept saying I was the 'One'…something. Why?"

"Oh, just wondering," Kairi said, before they returned to their group huddle. "Okay, so he's had an Awakening too, but I still haven't. What does that mean?"

"No clue," said Riku. "Except that there's more to these Keyblades than we know."

"We should probably talk to King Mickey about this," suggested Sora. "He's all knowledgeable and stuff, he might know some more about this."

_Yeah…speaking of King Mickey, weren't we going to go up there and try to help put a stop to this fighting before it starts?_ Namine pointed out.

The group blinked. Xehanort cackled. They had kind of forgotten about that, what with the excitement of finding yet another Keyblade wielder. "Uh, good point, Namine," Sora said. "Let's go!"

"Ah, what about my twin brother there?" Riku asked. "He still kind of wants to fight me. A lot."

_Well…why don't you fight him, then? _Roxas suggested. _We don't need you to fix this mess. We could probably do it better without you, anyway._

"Roxas!" Sora, Kairi, and Namine all yelled.

"No, wait, maybe he has something," Riku said suddenly. They looked at him in confusion. "You don't actually _need_ me to help stop this, do you? I'm sure you could help convince everyone to stop by yourselves, especially since neither of you were at any point ever evil. There's no reason I can't stay behind. And besides, I've wanted to get some practice against someone who's not in our little group for a while. It'll be fun to fight 'myself' again."

"Riku, are you sure?" Kairi asked anxiously.

"Yeah, we don't want to leave you behind," Sora agreed.

"It's fine, really. I can take Nosimono," Riku said with a smirk, leaning his Keyblade against his shoulder.

"Well…all right, if you're sure," Sora said reluctantly.

_Good, let's dump him and get going, we're wasting time!_ Roxas pressed. Finishing their goodbyes, they wished Riku luck and then headed on their way.

"Does this mean we can fight now, Big Brother?" Nosimono asked hopefully.

"You bet!" Riku said, getting into a combat stance. "Show me what you're made of!"

"Oh boy!" Nosimono said, his suit disintegrating as he transformed into Dark Mode. "This'll be great!"

_It certainly will be_, agreed Xehanort. _It certainly will be. Riku, can I-_

"No."

_You ruin all my fun!_

Sora and Kairi, however, did not get very far before Hades suddenly teleported right into their path. "Hey, where do you think you're going? We have unfinished BUSINESS!" the god of the dead roared, turning red and bursting into flames.

"Hades?! Weren't you arguing with Hook?!" said an alarmed Sora.

"Oh, he ran off when he saw Peter Pan. He hates your guts, but he hates that fairy kid's even more," Hades explained. "Which means you're all mine, mine, MINE!" He formed two huge fireballs in his hands as he said this.

"Uh, Kairi, could you…" Sora started.

"Get to the altar while you take care of Hades? Sure thing," she said, kissing him on the cheek before running off. "Be careful!"

Sora blinked. "Actually, I was going to ask her for help…"

_Oh well,_ said Roxas_. Hey, at least she kissed us! Which means it's only a matter of time before we move on to more _intimate_ actions. Such as sex. Oh, and your hair's on fire._

"Huh?" Sora looked up and saw that his hair was indeed on fire, courtesy of Hades. "WAAAHHH!" He ran around in a panic, his head burning, as Hades laughed malevolently and conjured more fire.

"Your pants are next, kiddo!" the vengeful god promised, hurling some more fireballs at his second-least-favorite enemy.

Kairi got pretty close to the dais, but then she too was waylaid. Not by a nemesis, for she had none, but by a group of very old, very eager-looking witches, some of them bridesmaids, some of them not, who were obstructing her path. "Hello, dear," Yubaba said in a gentle voice which did not match the hunger in her eyes. "Do you suppose you could spare us a moment of your time?"

"Or your organs?" asked the Wicked Witch of the Waste.

"And not to mention your skin, your eyes, your hair, your teeth…" Clotho cackled, snatching the Fates' single eye to gaze at Kairi with.

"Yes, we decided you're probably not bulimic after all, and therefore perfectly safe to harvest from," said Madame Mim.

Kairi swallowed. "Harvest. As in…"

"As in cut you open and divide your body parts among us!" Yzma said cheerfully. She was holding a very large, nasty-looking knife. They all were.

"Ah," said Kairi, mind racing. "That's what I thought." _Namine, I don't suppose you can help me out here?_

_I don't think so. If we switched places I could try making them forget they want to take our body parts, but they'll probably carve me to pieces before I could finish,_ Kairi's alter ego said. _And follow us through a dark corridor before it can close properly, which could have disastrous consequences…_

_Yeah. That's what I was afraid of._ Out loud, Kairi said, "Won't Maleficent be angry if you carve me up? I'm pretty sure I'm necessary to her plans or something."

"Oh, no, she just needs your heart," cackled Gruntilda.

"The rest of you," said Matoya. "Is up for grabs."

"Ah," said Kairi. "Well, in that case…" She turned and ran.

"After her!" the witches cried, giving chase. They weren't going to let an organ donor get away that easily.

The climate of tension increased by the minute. More heroes and villains than those who have been mentioned so far called out across the room, goading each other in anticipation of battle, the fervent hope in the air that this time their victory might be the decisive, final one, ending whatever long-held grudges or rivalries had been held between them for so many years. Muscles flexed. Guns were loaded. Swords were drawn. Blades were sharpened. The demons cackled, reveling in the chaos that was about to erupt. And it certainly didn't help that the Demon of Wrath, Moloch-Baal, was present either, and making everyone more bloodthirsty by the second. "RRAAAAHHH! MOLOCH-BAAL ANGRY! MOLOCH-BAAL SMASH!" the immense bull-headed demon roared, swinging his ham-handed fists blindly and nearly taking off the heads of a few guests. (He had originally been a prince of hell, but Satan promoted him to Sin demon status because he was so, well, wrathful.)

The only thing keeping the Heartless from rushing in and attacking everyone was Maleficent commanding them not to, Satan telling them to 'chillax', and Zexion summoning more Nobodies to physically restrain them. But that might not stave their hunger for much longer…

"Aw man, this is going nuts! We gotta do something or the wedding's ruined!" Pete moaned, getting sweatier and sweatier by the second as the Queen of Hearts ran by, chasing Alice, and screaming "OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD!" Judge Doom ran past moments after, yelling that everyone was "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"

"I can tell my troops to stand down, but I'm not sure all our new allies will do the same," said a worried Mickey. "Especially since half the time it's _your_ allies that are trying to provoke them into a fight! Maleficent, can't you make them stop?"

She snorted. "Are you kidding? If I tried to intervene, they'd probably turn on _me_! And then things would get even _more _chaotic."

"What about the Truce spell? Can you recast it?" Zexion asked.

"I've been trying for the last few minutes, something's blocking me," she growled. "The same something, or should I say someone, that you no doubt sensed earlier, and convinced Sephiroth to pull this stunt, as well as breaking the Truce so that he could disrupt the wedding. And it looks as if this mysterious individual's plans are succeeding…damn it all!" she snarled. "This is MY wedding! How _dare_ they all treat this as an excuse to have a grudge match!" She whirled around to face Satan. "Father, surely there is something you can do!" she beseeched the demon emperor.

"Hmm…" Satan stroked his chin in thought. "Well, I can sense that mofo behind this too, and I know without a doubt that I'm a helluvalot stronger than him, and could cast the Truce spell…if I knew it."

"You don't know it?" said a surprised Mickey.

"Hell no, dawg! Er, mouse," Satan corrected himself. "I'm the ruler of HELL! We LIKE hurting each other down there! Why the fuck would I ever learn a spell to KEEP people from doing that?"

"Good point," Mickey admitted.

"Don't suppose you could show it to me, babygirl?" Satan asked Maleficent. "Maybe I could wing it…"

She sighed and shook her head. "It's not that simple. It took me over a month to memorize the proper incantations, gestures, and secondary spells needed to cast it. I could recast it within moments if I weren't being blocked, but it would take a new person the same length of time I did to cast the spell. But not even you can do it fast enough; we just don't have enough time!" Zira the lioness licked her lips at the thought of the coming slaughter.

"Well, in that case…" Satan pulled out a blowgun, raised it to his lips, aimed at Moloch-Baal, and blew, firing a dart which whistled through the air and struck the big demon in the neck.

"RAAAAHH!! MOLOCH-BAAL WAS STUNG BY A BEE! WHAT BEE DARES STRIKE MOLOCH-BAAL?! MOLOCH-BAAL-" The demon of Wrath yawned. "MOLOCH-BAAL…Moloch-Baal feeling strange. Moloch-Baal take nap now." He toppled over backwards, smashing the pew he had been sitting on and trapping the few members of the Dark Circle who hadn't gotten up to pursue their respective nemeses under his weight. They screamed and wiggled desperately, but could not pull themselves out from under the great bulk of the sleeping demon.

"What was that?" an astounded Pete asked Satan.

"That dart was coated in Belphegore, Demon of Sloth's, saliva," Satan explained.

Pete looked at Belphegore, sitting near the snoozing Moloch-Baal, in confusion. "He looks more like a goat than a sloth to me."

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Sloth, as in laziness, not the slow-moving mammal," Zexion explained.

"Oh. Then how come Belphegore over there doesn't look very slothy?"

"Slothful," Satan corrected. "And it's because we pumped him full of caffeine and amphetamines before coming here so he wouldn't put everyone to sleep. Too bad, we coulda used that to calm everyone down. But that dart was the only one I got at the moment, and since Belphy's still doped-up his saliva will just make everyone more energetic. Taking out Moloch-Baal will cool down the level of anger in the room, but not by much and not enough to help everyone chillax. There's gonna be a brawl in a few more minutes if you don't do something, babygirl. It's up to you, now."

"Me?!" Maleficent protested. "But…but why can't you do something more?!"

"It's your wedding, babygirl," Satan reminded her. "And you invited all these people, these fine bruthas and sistas who just happen to be mortal enemies, despite the fact that you knew they'd probably kill each other if you let them. You were too cocky with your Truce spell, thinking that with it everything would be fine and dandy and everyone'd shut up and pay attention to you. But now the spell's gone and everything's _not_ fine, is it now?" He pointed at her. "You're the one who invited all these guests, against my better judgment and warnings, so they're your responsibility. You brought them all here out of vanity so everyone'd see how damn badass and fine you've become, without thinking of the consequences. Therefore, it's up to you to deal with them. You can't rely on Daddy to fix all your problems. I'd thought you'd grown beyond that, babygirl."

Aerith sighed joyously. "Oh Master Satan, your words are filled with such wisdom!"

"They certainly are, babe, they certainly are," agreed Satan, chuckling and winking at her.

Maleficent looked as if she were about to argue for a moment, paused, then frowned, deep in thought. Then she nodded slowly and said, "You're right, Father. This is my problem…and therefore I should take responsibility." She turned around, her trail dragging behind her. "Will you all step back please? This should just take a moment." A little confused, her husband-to-be, ushers, bridesmaids, matron of honor, and minions quickly got out of the way. Satan grinned, already knowing what was coming.

Maleficent drew her staff, clenching it in both hands and holding it before her. She raised it up, green orb at the top gleaming, and then slammed its end down into the floor, creating a shockwave which reverberated throughout the room as she suddenly burst into green flames.

"Waaahhh! Maleficent!" Pete cried, panicking. "Quick, somebody get a fire extinguisher!" An Assassin Nobody portalled in with one. "Ah, thank-" The Nobody pointed the nozzle at Pete and sprayed, covering him with white foam. It then vanished, leaving a foamy white Pete behind. "We really gotta do something about that."

"I'm making a note of it now, sir," Zexion said, writing it down.

The green fire rose in a pillar of flame, growing higher and higher, and Maleficent's dark silhouette growing with it, becoming taller and wider and quite a bit less humanoid than before. Her shadowy figure thickened, sprouting wings, the horns lengthening and nearly scraping against the ceiling, her yellow eyes narrowing and losing their pupils. With a reptilian shriek, Maleficent spread her wings, causing the flames to dissipate in bursts of green fire which sprinkled around the room, unveiling her completed transformation…

The dark dragon.

She was a colossal beast, like a monster out of some primordial era, with hide of black and purple scales literally oozing with darkness that poured out from her body and seeped into the floor, Heartless prancing about her and catching it in their mouths as it fell just as children might try to catch raindrops or snowflakes on their tongue. Great razor-edged spines sprouted from her back in a row, rattling with every breath. More spines, though shorter and thicker, grew from the end of her long tail, slicing through the air as it swished back and forth to balance her much-greater bulk. She fell to all fours, her great talons gouging into the floor and shaking the room and catching everyone's attention, as they finally became aware of the immense draconic shadow looming over them. A pair of dark wings unfolded from either side of her, spreading out to blot out the light and cover the room in darkness. Her neck, a great serpentine thing with straight spines growing out of the back, rose out from her shoulders, curving in an S-shape as it supported her head. There was nothing humanoid left of her face, an elongated black shape with fins in place of ears and two long upward-curving horns. Her yellow eyes were glowing with evil, as were her nostrils, and her gaping mouth, lined with black fangs and a pair of beard-like spikes growing from her chin. Drops of green fire fell like drool from her mouth as she breathed, her heaves filling the room, the flames eating away at the floor where they impacted much as Satan's Hellfire n' Brimstone brew, though less acidic. Diablo landed on his mistress's head and spread his wings, trying to mooch off her presence to look more intimidating.

"Holy shit," said both Roxas and Sora, staring at her along with a dumbstruck Hades.

"Whoa," said Riku, pausing in his duel.

"Wow, my mom's the best, isn't she?" Nosimono said proudly.

_She's beautiful,_ Xehanort said longingly, making Riku want to puke.

"Waaaak! Was she that big when we fought her the last time?!" Donald squawked. "Gawrsh, I don't think so," said Goofy.

Mushu whistled. "Now, that is one hot momma!" Mulan shoved him back into her armor. "Hey!"

"I think I'm in love," said the red-scaled Lord Drauganus, pausing in the middle of his table laser hockey game with his foe Wildwing of the Mighty Ducks, completely taken by Maleficent's draconic…er…beauty.

Maleficent the dragon roared, shaking the room and causing the glass windows to tremble. "ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN UP YOU WORTHLESS, UNGRATEFUL INGRATES!" she bellowed. "THIS IS _MY_ WEDDING! A WEDDING, _NOT_ AN EXCUSE FOR A FREE-FOR-ALL MELEE! I INVITED YOU HERE TO WATCH ME AND MY FIANCE GET MARRIED, _NOT_ TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER!"

"But-" King Richard, who had been about to strangle his brother to death when Maleficent interrupted, protested.

She roared right in his face, sending him tumbling head over heels and fouling himself from fright, as did Prince Richard, but that's to be expected, since he's a wuss. "SHUT UP! EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN NOW! THIS IS A WEDDING, NOT A BATTLE! _MY_ WEDDING! YOU ARE HERE TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND PARTY AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, NOT TO KILL EACH OTHER! NOW, EVERYONE RETURN TO THEIR SEATS _THIS_ _INSTANT _SO WE CAN GET THIS WEDDING BACK ON TRACK, OR I SWEAR THAT I WILL _EAT_ EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!" There was some hesitation, protests from the guests, a look in their eyes that suggested they might even join forces against her just so they could get their own fights started. Maleficent quickly put a stop to that by taking a deep breath and exhaling a tremendous blast of green fire, sweeping her head back and forth and causing the flames to fly right over their heads, causing those that weren't fire-proof to scream and duck. "I SAID _SIT DOWN! **NOW**!!!!!"_

Needless to say, everyone sat down in a hurry, or got back to where they were supposed to be. Nobody wanted to get incinerated. Or eaten. The thought that they might, just might, have been able to take her if they had all joined forces was driven out of their heads by her incredible intimidation and their mutual dislike of each other. This was naturally a relief to the Keybearers, since it meant nobody was trying to kill them at the moment.

"Golly," said an amazed Mickey.

"And some call _me_ a dragon lady," Peg muttered to herself, somewhat disappointed that now she couldn't go through with the plot to murder Maleficent she had been formulating. (Little did she know Zexion was already aware of this plot, being psychic, and would have put a stop to it at once.) "At least I don't do that!"

"I wish you did," Pistol complained. "Then maybe I could do it too! And then I wouldn't have to steal your car all the time, I could just fly wherever I wanted, and rain destruction down on the helpless insects beneath me!" Peg paled at the thought.

"That's better," the dragon said in a much calmer tone. "Now," she said, turning around, her tail swinging over the guests heads and thankfully not lopping them off, though many cringed whenever the tail passed over them. "Father, if you would please continue?"

"Uh, honeybunch, shouldn't you, ah, you know, go back to normal first?" Pete said, a bit queasy at how much larger than him his fiancé had become. "I mean, it'll be harder for you to get the ring on if you stay like that. Or kiss me. Or, ah, you know, to do the stuff we're gonna do on our honeymoon…" There were numerous cries of disgust as that image burned itself into the guests' minds, and Namine once more refused to erase it from her friends' memories because then she'd want to do it to herself too, and that wouldn't turn out well. (She was sorely tempted, though.)

"The transformation takes a while to wear off," the dragon told Pete. "I should be back to normal by the time we depart. I think."

"Oh. Okay."

"So, we ready then?" Satan asked rhetorically. "Good! Let's get this party started!"

…

To be continued…

…

So, after a number of difficulties, it looks as if the wedding is finally underway. Of course, by this point, we all know it won't be that easy, right? Especially if whoever put Sephiroth up to disrupting the wedding chooses to strike again. Which we ALL know he will…

And will Darlene Hikari be able to get the artifacts back to the island in time to stave off the wrath of Yiazmat? Let's hope so!

If you thought this was crazy before, wait'll you see what happens next!


	8. The Wedding Crasher

And here we are at last, with the second part of the wedding. The identity of the mysterious interloper shall soon be revealed. And we all know pure havoc's gonna break loose when that happens…moreso than the havoc we already have brewing, naturally. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: No characters in this chapter belong to me. They belong to Disney, Bandai, Square, and who knows what other companies. And religions, maybe. Well, the thing at the end is mine, actually, but you'll have to see that for yourself. Thanks to LemonSmoothie for her inspiration to use some of the characters you'll see in this chapter.

…

"So, we ready then?" Satan asked rhetorically. "Good! Let's get this party started!" He stomped his hoof on the ground, shaking the room and causing the lights to flicker. The floor shook near his feet and convulsed, twisting itself into a swirling vortex of flame and shadow from which a totally awesome-looking electric guitar with flame decals and three necks instead of just one or two emerged, pulsating with an evil-looking dark aura. With a gold-capped grin, Satan grabbed the guitar, swung its bandolier on, grew two extra fingers per hand (giving him a total of five each) and began to play, jamming on its many strings like a pro and generating the notes of some kind of heavy metal song that sounded vaguely like the classic Wedding March. That quickly devolved into pure metal and rock as the lights began changing colors and flashing like strobes, changing the chapel into a chaotically hued concert hall, as jets of flame and bursts of smoke erupted from the floor around Satan.

The seven Sin demons teleported from their seats and appeared behind Satan as the floor buckled and molded itself upward into the form of a giant demonic skull with glowing eyes, bringing with it several macabre instruments of heavy metal and destruction. Moloch-Baal, revived, appeared on the top before a set of massive drums with skull-headed drumsticks to take out his Wrath with. He began beating on the drums raucously, shaking his head and howling with the tune Satan was playing. Belphegore appeared near Satan, holding a guitar of his own and playing bass. The insectoid Beelzebub, Demon of Gluttony, appeared by the pipe organ and shoved Ultros from his seat, taking his place and transforming the great device into a many-tiered electric keyboard which he immediately began playing with his many limbs. The great serpentine Leviathan wrapped himself around the demonic skull, growing larger to accommodate the stage, raising his head above the other demons and swaying it to the song, occasionally roaring or venting acid and fire jets from his mouth for special effects. Lucifer, Demon of Pride, and Mammon appeared behind Satan and started playing a saxophone and electric accordion (or whatever those things are called) accordingly. Lilith, wearing little to nothing, appeared on top of the skull in front of the drums and started dancing erotically while singing seductively with her beautiful voice, enticing the other demons to play at a faster pace. There were even recorded screams of horrible agony to further the demonic motif the band was pulling off. (Little did they know that those weren't recorded but _actual_ screams caused by Captain Hook gleefully exacting his vengeance by torturing Peter Pan to death behind a pillar). Pete and Maleficent exchanged dumbfounded glances, not recalling this being mentioned at any of their wedding rehearsals, as everyone else wondered what the heck was going on. Zexion raised an eyebrow. Mickey blinked. Peg was both pleased and envious, because the band that had played at her and Pete's wedding had certainly not been composed of demons…but on the other hand, it hadn't been particularly good either.

"Whooooaaaa…whoaOoOoOhhhh…yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" Satan crooned as he strummed on his guitar. "Whoo, dearly beloved!"

"Dearly beloved!" Lilith and the choir sang.

"We—are—gathered here today! Dananananana! To join these two FINE young 'uns in UN! HOLY! MA-TRI-MONY! Whooooaaaa yeah!" Lucifer blew out a long series of notes on his saxophone, accompanied by Mammon's accordion.

"Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" Lilith and the choir sang.

"In one corner here, we got MALEFICENT! Shizzlin' fizzlin' sizzlin' bo-jizzlin' babe, one HOT daughter o' mine!"

"So hot! So hot! So hot!" Maleficent felt a bit uncomfortable that her father was singing about her being attractive. It was creepy.

"One HELL of a badass, mistress of evil, cross her and you'll find yourself in more pain than you can feel! And that means yoooouuu, dawg!" Satan sang at Pete, swinging his guitar about like the expert musician he was. Beelzebub did a number on his electric keyboard. Pete gulped and swallowed, tugging at his collar anxiously.

"You dawg! You dawg! You dawg!" the backup sang.

"But I'm a cat…" Pete protested, his voice lost in the music.

"And then we got PETE! The big bad Pete! Used to be just a lowly captain, but look where he is now!" Satan continued.

"Look wheeeeeeeeeere he is now-ow!" Pete swelled with pride. Maleficent gave an arrogant look at Peg, as if to say, 'He's doing better with me than he ever did with you', causing Pete's ex to fume angrily and try to stop Pistol from dancing to the music.

"He may not look like much, but sure 'nuff he got it where it counts! So you better treat him nice, girl, unlike all the others!"

"Unlike! Unlike! Allll the others!" Maleficent fidgeted uncomfortably and glanced at Pete, who also looked uncomfortable at the reminder of how many previous husbands she had had.

All the demons went into an elongated instrumental just to show off their stuff, which was actually pretty damn good, and had quite a few of the guests tapping their feet or nodding along.

"And with THAT in mind, my fine boy and girl…PETE!" Satan called.

"Uh, yeah?" said the startled Pete.

"Do ya promise to treat my girl Maleficent nice? Like the fine woman we both know she is?"

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?"

"Do ya promise to love her and cherish her? And not have any affairs, 'least none she can catch?"

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?"

"Do ya PROMISE to stand by her, through good times and bad, to support her in her times of need?"

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?"

"Do ya PROMISE to give her what she needs? Do ya PROMISE to _shag_ with her and give me another grandkid?"

Pete and Maleficent started at this, but didn't have the chance to say anything before the chorus started another "Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?" Nosimono flushed at the thought of getting a sibling, while everyone else felt either jealous or sickened by the thought of Pete and Maleficent conceiving.

"Will ya be a good husband? Straight an' true? Givin' her what she needs, not just what she wants, and makin' her evil dreams pull through?"

"Will ya? Will ya? Will ya? Will ya?"

"Tell me now Petey-dawg, and tell me true: can ya do it? Can ya be the ONE?" Satan asked Pete.

"Can ya? Can ya? Can ya? Can ya?"

When nobody sang or played anything for a moment after that, Pete realized he was supposed to answer that. "Um…I don't really know, but, um, I guess I can try. You know, to do all that. Give it my best shot, and all. Yeah."

That was clearly the right answer, for the demons began singing again after a long and energetic instrumental bit where Lilith leaped down from the top of the skull, removed what little clothing remained, and danced nude, much to the enthusiasm of the guests, no matter what their gender, returning back to the top and clothing herself again (barely) as Satan began singing again. "Oh yeah! Whoaaaaaah, whoOoOoOAAAhhhh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Maleficent!"

"What?" the dragon yelped, startled.

"Do ya promise to treat my boy Petey fairly, or at least not beat him up too much? Like the loyal dude we both know he can be?" Satan sang to his daughter the dragon.

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?" the choir and Lilith sang.

"Do ya promise to stay fond of him and appreciate that he's there? And not to kill him unless you catch him cheating everywhere?"

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?"

"Do ya PROMISE to take care of him, through good times and bad, to give him a little push in the right direction in his time of need?"

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?"

"Do ya PROMISE to give him what he needs? Do ya PROMISE to fuck him and give me a new grandkid?"

"FATHER!" a shocked Maleficent cried as various guests with more delicate sensibilities shocked and fainted, others groaned, and the chorus sang, "Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?"

"Will ya be a good wife? Strong an' dependable? Lovin' him for who he is and not just roastin' him for his faults, taking him with you when your dreams pull through?"

"Will ya? Will ya? Will ya? Will ya?"

"Tell me now, babygirl, and tell me true: can ya do it? Can ya be the ONE?" Satan asked Maleficent.

"I…suppose, yes," Maleficent said slowly, blinking at her bizarre father then glancing at Pete, who shrugged helplessly. "Yes, I will do my best to keep this marriage from being like any of my last ones."

"And that's all we can ask for, baby!" This led to another long instrumental, one more grand than the others, indicating they were getting closer to the climax. "Oh yeah! Whoaaaaaah, whoOoOoOAAAhhhh, yeah, yeah, yeah!" The other instruments quieted for a moment as Satan pulled off an awesome three-minute long guitar solo that had his fans, of whom there were now many thanks to the power of his music, cheering and screaming and wanting him to father their children, pleas which he would most certainly answer later. Aerith was, of course, one of them.

Belphegore began strumming on his bass, cueing the other demons to start up again as Satan moved on to the next verse of the song. "Now, if any dawg objects, I say, if any dawg objects to this here uuuuuniooooon, they oughta speak up now, or for_ever_ hold their peaaaaaaace!" Several people, mostly Maleficent's admirers or exes, as well as Peg, PJ, Minnie, the gang from Radiant Garden, and a number of other people who in general objected to Pete and Maleficent marrying each other for personal or political reasons (almost everyone who wasn't an ally or family member of Maleficent, actually, and even some of them were against the union too), instantly surged to their feet and prepared to voice their discontent. The Keybearers didn't join them, mainly because Xehanort wanted them to, and Riku was stubborn enough to deny the Seeker of Darkness that even if he personally was against Maleficent and Pete's marriage as well. "_But_," Satan quickly sang. "If you do, I'll make sure you all regret it, which kinda makes me asking rather pointless, but it's just for ceremony, don'tcha know!"

"Don'tcha know? Don'tcha know? Don'tcha know?" sang Lilith and the choir.

Cowed, most of the guests and attendees sat back down. One man, however, did not. "OBJECTION, your Honor! Er, I mean Your Grace! Ah, or…whatever your proper title as Ruler of Hell and Archbishop of the Unholy Church of Demonic Worship is!" Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney, proclaimed from the heroes' side of the chapel.

The music skipped a beat with the sound of a record being brought to a screeching halt. The demons fumbled their instruments, turning their wonderfully coordinated number into a brief cacophony due to their surprise that someone had actually taken Satan's challenge. Lilith nearly fell off the demon skull. One of the drumsticks slipped out of Moloch-Baal's hand and almost skewered Alice. Belphegore dropped his guitar on his hoof, causing him to howl and hop about in pain while clutching the wounded extremity. The only thing that didn't stop were the screams made by Peter Pan as Captain Hook continued torturing him, but that was easily ignored. Satan quickly regained his composure and, putting his guitar down, glared at the young dark-haired lawyer. "Dawg, are your ears working? I distinctly recall saying, loud and clear, that any objections were to be met with extreme prejudice and PAIN. Did you not hear that part?"

"Well, ah, yes I did," Phoenix said, cowering slightly at the intense glare he was receiving. He might have burst into flames on the spot if Satan weren't wearing sunglasses. "But I feel I have a valid objection to this union."

"Oh?" Satan asked, looking as if he were only seconds away from incinerating the young defense attorney. Maleficent looked as if she were going to do the same. "And what would that be?"

"Simply put," Phoenix said, clearing his throat. "It's, ah, illegal."

There was a long silence throughout the chapel. The guests looked at each other in surprise and confusion. Even Satan looked perplexed. "Illegal?!" Pete cried in alarm. "Nobody told me about that!"

"That's preposterous!" Maleficent hissed, thrashing her tail against the floor and shaking the room. "There's nothing illegal about our marriage! Especially since it's on a free and independent world with its own law code, which was intentionally written so that I could get my way, including who and how I married!"

"Yes, it's legal on _this_ world," Phoenix admitted, pulling out a thick book of legal code. "However, according to galactic law, by inviting all these representatives and guests from other worlds, you have turned this wedding into an interstellar affair, and as such it is in the jurisdiction of a higher standard of law. And that law says that the union of man and woman being performed here today is totally illegal!"

"Oh yeah…I think he's right!" a surprised Commander Nebula announced. "Lucky for us, eh boys?" Buzz and the other Space Rangers nodded.

"But that's ALSO preposterous! I checked galactic law as well, and there's STILL nothing illegal about this marriage!" Maleficent protested, getting more anxious by the second, and an anxious giant dark dragon is not a very safe thing to be around.

Phoenix opened the book and started flipping through it, slipping on some reading glasses to examine its pages. "Have you checked the guidelines and regulations on interspecies marriage?"

Maleficent blinked. "Interspecies…oh, yes, of course I did! There's nothing illegal about a dark fairy/half-demon marrying an anthropomorphic cat…man…thing!"

"There isn't? Oh, good," said a relieved Pete.

"You're right," agreed Phoenix. "There are no laws against a dark fairy/half-demon marrying an anthropomorphic vaguely cat or dog-like person…however, it _is_ illegal for a _dragon_ of your size to marry an anthropomorphic vaguely cat or dog-like person."

Maleficent and Pete's eyes widened. "But…but-but-but!" Pete protested.

"But…I'm _not_ a dragon!" Maleficent howled in rage. "I'm a fairy! I've just…temporarily changed into a dragon!"

"Yes, well, as long as you look like a dragon, and are five cubic meters larger than the maximum size limit for dragons in interspecies relationships, I'm afraid this marriage is illegal and cannot go forward," Phoenix said apologetically. "Unless you can either change yourself back to normal or shrink under the limit, you can't marry Pete, according to galactic law."

"Mmm, afraid he's right, babygirl," Satan said, examining his own copy of Galactic Legal Code. "Sorry I didn't think of it sooner. Unless you can do either of those things, we'll have to postpone the wedding, or…well…call it off altogether." There were a few gasps of shock and horror, and more than a few quiet cheers of joy and triumph.

"Dammit, Doom, why didn't'cha ever tell us about this!" Pete angrily asked his usher.

"Uh, hello, I never went to law school, remember?" Doom reminded him.

"…Oh, right."

"Well, this should be no problem!" Mickey said optimistically. "I mean, she can just change back, right?"

"No, the transformation takes time to wear off, remember?" Maleficent said flatly.

Mickey's ears drooped. "Oh…right…"

"Wait," Zexion said. "We have some of the most powerful practitioners of magic in the galaxy here. Well, maybe not _the_ most powerful," he said, ignoring the glares he got from all the sorcerers and magical beings in the room. "But if we put all of their magic together, surely we could change Maleficent back to normal prematurely…or at the very least reduce her size beneath this maximum limit."

Satan shook his head. "Not that simple," he said. "She's a dark dragon now, and a very powerful one at that, and dark dragons are notoriously difficult to cast spells on. Like most dragons, they have a high resistance to most forms of magic…and that includes shape-changing or reducing spells. Sorry babe, nothing your homies can do here…or even me, for that matter." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as the dragon's wings and Pete's shoulders slumped. "However…a _genie_ might be able to pull it off…"

"Oh! And you have a genie, don't you Maleficent?" Pete said hopefully. "Let's ask Jafar for help!"

"Pete?" Maleficent said, glaring at him. "Think about that for a moment."

"What? It's just asking…Jafar…oh." Pete's face fell.

Mirage had a sly look on her face. "However…he's not the _only_ genie in the area."

All eyes turned on Aladdin, who was still scratching for Mechanicles' robot fleas. He blinked, spooked. "Wh-what? What's everyone looking at me for?"

"I think they want you to use Genie to turn Maleficent back to normal," Jasmine, also scratching, whispered to him.

"What?! Awww, do I have to?" Aladdin complained.

"Yes!" she hissed.

"Why?! She's the one who kidnapped you and tried to destroy our world!" Aladdin protested.

"Yes, but it's also her wedding day! Would you want something like this to happen at our wedding?" Jasmine replied. "Even if we don't like her, it's indecent to just let her wedding day be ruined like this!"

Aladdin rolled his eyes. "Oh, fine. But…ah…Genie had to fumigate! So he can't, you know, help out!"

"Actually, Al," said a large, very blue human-like thing with a smoky tail in place of legs, a red sash around his waist, a pair of gold decorative manacles, a thin beard and goatee on his big chin and a small topknot taking up all his hair as he emerged from Aladdin's lamp, looking far too big to fit in such an itty-bitty living space. "I finished up the last of the little buggers a while ago, so I'm good to go!"

"Great," Aladdin said deadpan.

"So, what's the problem, Al? Need better clothes? Deodorant? An escape route?" As Genie suggested these, Aladdin found himself, in rapid succession, stuffed into fancier clothes, sprayed with a giant bottle of deodorant, and strapped to the side of a giant fireworks rocket about to blast off.

"Actually, I just wanted you to see if you could change Maleficent back to normal!" Aladdin yelled desperately as he saw the lit fuse of the rocket about to enter the explosive's base.

"Oh, is that all?" Genie asked, snuffing out the fuse with his fingers and making the rocket disappear in a burst of sparks and magic dust. "Sure no problem!" In another burst of magic, the Genie teleported over to the giant dark dragon, growing in size as he did so. He donned a doctor's white coat and stethoscope, opened a small black bag, and prepared to perform a series of awkward and embarrassing medical tests on Maleficent ranging from taking her temperature (both under her tongue and…elsewhere), checking her heartbeat, testing her reflexes, examining her eyes and ears, giving her an eye test, examining her teeth, performing X-rays, and testing for pregnancy before finally declaring she was physically fit in every way.

"You were supposed to see if you could turn her back to normal," Zexion reminded the genie.

He flushed purple. "Oh, right." In a flash, his coat was off and he was examining her with a magnifying glass. "Mmm…nope. Nothing I can do here."

"No?!" an alarmed Pete and Maleficent cried.

"Well, you see, if you were a regular old dark dragon, I _could_ conceivably change you into something else, buuut…since you transformed by your own will, I'd have to undo your own spell to change you back, and trust me when I say I'm not going there," Genie said with a wag of his finger.

"Why not?!" Maleficent demanded.

"Have you ever seen what happens when magic of two totally different branches collide? It's not pretty, let me tell you," Genie said, shuddering. "You used dark magic to change, and I use genie magic, which is a whole different kind of magic altogether. If I tried to undo your dark spell with genie magic, something absolutely cataclysmic could happen. Why, the last time I tried mixing magics to break a spell, Abu became a donkey and Al here rode around with a pot on his head convinced he was some legendary hero."

"When'd that happen?" wondered a confused Aladdin.

"It was another attempt of a certain sand witch friend of ours to seduce you," Jasmine said coolly, narrowing her eyes at the memory. "And you seemed to be convinced _she_ was your princess and not me."

"Oh yeah…" Aladdin said, recalling that instance now. Abu screeched unhappily, he had not liked being a donkey.

"You can't even shrink her?!" Pete asked desperately.

"Uh, hello, what part of 'mixing magics is a very, very bad thing' do you not understand?" Genie asked Pete.

"Hey, I just had a thought," Sora said to his friend.

_Did it overload your puny brain?_ Xehanort said with a sneer. He shut up when Riku started humming 'It's a Small World.'

"What's your idea, Sora?" Kairi asked.

"Well, Keyblades unlock stuff, right?" Sora asked, raising his blade. "And locks them too, of course. So…maybe they don't necessarily have to be physical things. Do you think maybe we could 'unlock' Maleficent's spell and change her back to normal?"

"That's a wonderful idea!" said an impressed Kairi.

"Yeah, not bad," Riku agreed.

Sora started getting up. "Great! So let's-"

"Hold it, where do you think you're going?" Riku asked, grabbing Sora's arm.

He blinked. "Um…unlocking Maleficent's spell?"

"Sora, do you see King Mickey up there?" Riku asked, pointing to the mouse. "The guy who also has the Keyblade, and a lot more experience with magic and stuff than we do?"

"…Um, yeah. Why?"

"Well," Riku said reasonably. "If King Mickey's not trying the same thing you're thinking of doing, then _maybe_ it's not such a good idea after all. Or it might not work at all."

_Or, more likely, he hasn't thought of it, being a stupid rodent,_ Xehanort pointed out.

"Shut up," Riku hissed. "If Maleficent stays the way she is, then she can't marry Pete. Isn't that what you wanted?"

_Oh, right. Carry on, then!_

"So…what, should I or shouldn't I go and try to unlock her?" said a confused Sora.

"Do it," Kairi and Namine said in unison. "Even if she's our enemy, it's her wedding day, and it's a horrible thing for someone's wedding to be ruined. As the good guys, we can't just stand by and let such a tragedy happen!"

_Wouldn't you want somebody to do the same if something like this happened at _our_ wedding?_ Namine asked. Sora and Roxas both fidgeted at the phrase '_our_ wedding' uncomfortably.

"Don't do it," argued Riku. "We don't owe Maleficent anything. She'll probably become more powerful than ever, somehow, if she marries Pete. It's in our best interest to let this go. And besides, she deserves to suffer for everything she's put us…and me…through."

_Don't listen to him!_ Xehanort protested. _Save her! Save…wait, then she'd marry Pete…never mind._

Sora scratched his head. "Oy. Roxas, what do you think we should do?"

_I think we should forget helping or ignoring Maleficent and just run up there and lay a smackdown on her scaly dragon ass,_ Roxas suggested. _And then maybe decapitate her and bring her head home for a trophy. We can give it to Mom as a birthday present. She'd love it!_ They stared at him. _What?_

Judge Doom cleared his throat and moved up to the podium, raising Satan's eyebrow as he produced a small gavel. "Well, although I'm not an actual judge, I suppose it behooves me to pretend to be one in this regard. Since Mr. Wright has shown this wedding to be illegal and wrongful, I have no choice but to dismiss it!" He prepared to strike the gavel, thus rendering the verdict law (sort of, even though he wasn't an actual judge), much to Maleficent and Pete's horror, when…

"Objection, your Honor! Though you should probably be arrested for impersonating a judge, too…" said a very hard and harsh-looking green-haired woman carrying a whip, standing up on the villains' side of the room.

"Franziska Von Karma?!" said a startled Phoenix. "What are you doing here?!"

"Oh, we're distantly related to the family of the bride," Von Karma said. Her father, the evil Manfred von Karma, unholy god of prosecuting attorneys, whose various crimes Phoenix had unearthed quite some time ago, waved cheerfully to the defense attorney responsible for his disbarment from next to his daughter.

"Objection on what grounds?" Doom asked.

"While Mr. Wright is correct about the illegality of this marriage in general, he has neglected an important technicality: the defendant, Maleficent, is not actually a dragon but an evil fairy/demon hybrid temporarily in the form of a dragon," Franziska explained.

"That's what _I _said," Maleficent grumbled.

"I am well aware of that," Phoenix said patiently. "However, while the defendant may not in fact be a dragon most of the time, she is one at the moment, and one over the size limit for interspecies marriage at that! Therefore, she is guilty of breaking the law in this instant, and therefore her marriage may not continue!"

"Instant, shminstant," said Franziska, lashing out with her whip from across the aisle and striking Phoenix, who leaped and yelped in pain. "The law applies to dragons, not people temporarily pretending to be dragons!"

"Nowhere in the law does it state specifically that the size limit rule applies only to true dragons, not people in the temporary state of being a dragon!" Phoenix argued, keeping his arms raised to shield himself in case Von Karma whipped him again.

"Then nowhere does it state that the limit does _not_ only apply to true dragons, either!" Franziska pointed out. Then she whipped him, for good measure, because she was cruel like that. Roxas commented to Sora that they had all been lucky Larxene's weapon of choice were kunai rather than a whip, otherwise she might never have been defeated. And Axel might never have lasted long enough to meet, or even aid, Sora, and then where would they all be? "And in any event, the law is not absolute; there have been numerous circumstances where true dragons of especially large size have been permitted to enter into interspecies marriage despite exceeding the maximum size limit."

"Oh really?" said a doubtful Phoenix. "Such as?"

Franziska pulled out a large folder and flipped it open, examining its contents. "The marriage of one Xiaolin Dojo and Sapphire."

"Wait, weren't both of those dragons?" said a confused Phoenix.

"Not exactly, Sapphire was transformed into a grotesque jellyfish monster thanks to a sentient, evil bean." Said evil bean whistled and tried to act nonchalant.

"Still doesn't count, the dragon Dojo could change size at will, thus putting him under the limit," Phoenix argued. "And in any event, Sapphire was never actually a dragon, just a magical artifact called the Sapphire Dragon that could come to life when not encased in ash and transform living things into sapphire, thus putting her under the classification of 'Animate Cursed Object' rather than true Dragon."

Franziska frowned and whipped him again, causing him to yelp. "We also have the marriage of one 'Dragon' the Dragon and 'Donkey' the Donkey. _That_ dragon was both a true dragon and over the size limit."

"Yes, but that wedding was only allowed to pass since law enforcement couldn't break them up without getting eaten by the dragon or beaten up by the ogre couple the donkey happened to be friends with," Phoenix pointed out, which resulted in him getting whipped again. "Ouch!"

"The marriage of Godzilla the giant atomic monster and Mothra, the giant magical butterfly," continued Franziska.

"Godzilla's not a dragon!" Phoenix argued.

The female attorney frowned. "He's a giant reptilian monster who's nigh-invincible and breathes fire," pointed out Franziska. "How is he not a dragon?"

"He was originally a dinosaur that happened to be mutated by an atomic bomb explosion," Phoenix pointed out. "And is therefore classified as an atomic mutant, _not_ as a dragon. And besides, he doesn't have wings. Therefore, he can't be a dragon."

Lord Drauganus sniffed and wiped away tears. "That's not fair…_I'm_ almost a dragon and certainly don't have wings…" His minions awkwardly comforted him as he started bawling into his handkerchief, awkward childhood memories of being tormented by the other Saurians at school coming back to haunt him.

Franziska frowned fiercely at Phoenix, causing him to squeal in panic, much like a pig. Shaga started drooling from the fear rolling off the defense attorney. "That's an overgeneralization, Wright, and an incorrect one at that! You're lucky no wingless dragons are here, or you could find yourself in the middle of a terrible lawsuit! I expected better of you!"

"Hey, I'm a wingless dragon!" Mushu cried, popping out of Mulan's uniform. "And I want to sue the ass off that guy for species discrim-" Mulan forced Mushu's mouth shut with her hands and then stuffed him back down her shirt.

"Okay, okay, that's probably true," said Phoenix quickly, not wanting to get whipped again. "And I suppose I did misspeak a moment ago. I apologize to any wingless dragons that might have been offended by my comment; I wasn't thinking when I said that, just misremembering the legal definition for 'dragon'. But that case still doesn't count! The only reason they let the wedding go was because Godzilla kept stepping on any judge that tried to rule the marriage unlawful…that, and they couldn't get any courtrooms that were not only big enough to hold the defendants but could also contain Godzilla's ambient radioactivity and keep it from contaminating the area. Not enough lead or shielding."

"Hmm, that's true," Franziska conceded. Then she whipped Phoenix anyway, for proving her wrong.

"Owie! Your honor, I move that Franziska Von Karma be removed from this courtroom, I mean chapel, on grounds of unlawful use of cruel and unusual punishment!" Phoenix whined.

"Motion denied," said Doom plainly. "I'm afraid she'll whip me too if I try and remove her."

"You're damn right I would!" Franziska threatened, brandishing her whip and causing Doom to whimper and hide behind Satan, who was more amused than frightened by the female attorney. "The marriage between Elliot and his dragon," she continued.

"Only allowed because the judge at the time was a liberal with a soft spot for same-sex marriages," Phoenix argued, which, predictably, got him whipped yet again.

They proceeded in this vein for the next few minutes, arguing over case law and precedent, legalities and technicalities, and various long phrases in Latin which very few of the guests understood, causing them to get extremely confused and wonder whether this was a wedding or an episode of Law and Order. And many people were getting fed up with it. Zexion was one of the only people who seemed to be following the proceedings with interest.

"You know, I'm starting to think I should try eating them too," Maleficent growled in frustration.

"Can I have some as well?" Shaga asked hopefully. "I'm rather partial to lawyer."

"I wouldn't mind some either," said Beelzebub, clicking his mandibles.

"I would have thought lawyers were too tough and stringy," commented Mozenrath. "And dry," added Zurg.

"Pah, just an urban legend," Shaga said.

"Note to self: recruit more lawyers to torture the dead with legalese," Hades said, writing said reminder on a notepad.

"This is all getting rather complicated," Mickey said with a sigh. "There must be something we can do…"

"You're right," said Satan, no humor in his voice or expression. "I'm gettin' sick o' all these distractions too! This is my babygirl's wedding day, not some low-budget sitcom with a laugh track to tell people when they're supposed to guffaw at all the stupid jokes!"

"Then what do you call all that screaming?" Peg asked Satan. " A shriek track?"

"Huh? Oh no, that's just Captain Hook torturing Peter Pan to death," Satan explained, shocking the good-aligned people on the dais. "In any event, this is a wedding, not a stand-up comedy show, and it's about time we FINISHED it!" He shoved Judge Doom out of the way and took back the podium. "Now, listen up, you ambulance-chasers! Shut your shitholes right now or I'll throw the book at you! And it's a big one, too!" He said, lifting up a tremendous book almost as big as he was. "I got one for each of you!" He lifted a second volume, just as big, in his other hand.

"But your honor, I mean, your grace-" both attorneys started, quickly shutting up when they saw Satan wind back to throw the giant books.

"Now, it's time to cut through all the red crap and legal code and get right to the point, dawgs!" Satan declared. "Galactic law may forbid this marriage…however, the both of yas seem to be neglecting _my_ presence, which makes this an affair of _metaphysical _law, an even higher standard than galactic!" They looked at him in surprise. "Yeah, that's right, bitches! I'm the head honcho of an entire subdimension, not a tiny planet like most of these sissies!"

"Well, actually, I rule several star systems-" Zurg started.

"Shut up, bitch! Anyway, according to metaphysical law, since I, Mastah S, ruler of Hell, happen to be presiding minister over this ceremony, _I_ get to dictate what's legal or illegal here. And I say it's perfectly all right for my babygirl to get married as a giant dark dragon, y'dig?!" He threw the giant books to the sides, crushing Rita Repulsa and Judge Doom beneath their weight. "Now, either of you got a problem with that, and I'll have you disbarred! By which I mean I'll have every bone in your body broken by demons carrying thick iron bars! Got that?"

"Yes sir," both attorneys said, frightened.

"Now, I also rule that Mr. Wright, for interrupting this wedding and turning my courtroom, I mean chapel, into a damn three-ring circus, shall be punished for his disruption by spending half an hour alone with Miss Von Karma," Satan continued. "Either of you got a problem with that?"

"No sir," said Von Karma, a terrifying grin forming on her face as she cracked her whip and Phoenix's face went white with horror. "No problem at all."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Phoenix screamed as Franziska dragged him away, never to be seen again…for another half hour.

"Have fun, you two!" Manfred said cheerfully, waving farewell to his daughter.

The guests cheered raucously in relief, for now they could finally end this interminably long wedding and get something to eat, rather than just keep sitting there and starve for hours due to all the interruptions! Satan took his bows vainly. "Oh, Master Satan, you're so wise and all-knowing! Surely there is nothing you cannot do!" Aerith gushed, longing for the day when her dark lord would mount her and plant his seed in her fertile womb. (Yes, I am every bit as disgusted at writing that as you readers probably are for reading it.)

Satan chuckled and winked at her. "True 'dat, ho!" He stopped bowing and made a peace sign. "Thank you, thank you, my lovely bruthas and sistas! So, what'dya all say to finishing this goddamned wedding already?"

"AMEN!" came the near-unanimous cry.

"Heheheh, just look at 'em, halfway to signing their souls away already," Satan chuckled. Hades fumed enviously. Satan picked his guitar back up and started plucking the string. "Okay, gang, let's bring this to a close!" And so the music began one last time. "Ohhhh…OoOoOoOoOhhhhhhHHHH! Maleficent! Babe! Y'see this guy right here? This fat cat named Pete?"

"Hey!" Pete cried indignantly.

"Chillax dawg, it's a compliment."

"Oh," Pete said, looking rather confused.

"Do ya TAKE this cat here to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do ya TAKE Petey-boy and entwine his life with yours?" Satan crooned.

"Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?" the chorus sang.

"I…yes, yes I do," Maleficent said, nodding her great draconic head.

"WhoooooYEAH!" Satan howled, jamming on his guitar, leading to another long instrumental piece as all the demons rocked out on their instruments. "That's what I'm talkin' bout! So…Pete! Kitty-cat! Y'see this babe right here? My babygirl Maleficent?"

"She's kind of hard to miss," Pete commented. Maleficent snarled at him, eyes glowing. "Ack! I didn't mean that as a crack about your weight, honey, honest to Walt I didn't! Please don't eat me."

"Do ya TAKE this gal here to be your lawfully wedded bitch—I mean, wife!" the 'minister' corrected quickly. "Do ya TAKE Maleficent-babygirl and entwine her life with yours?"

"You betcha!" Pete said with a brisk nod, causing Peg to grit her teeth and grip Pistol's shoulders too tightly.

"SHAZAM!" Satan bellowed, causing thunder to rumble throughout the chapel. "Hot dawg!" Whooping, he started dancing about with his guitar as if it were his dinner date, though thankfully he refrained from kissing or doing other, horrible things with it. Aerith swooned, wishing that guitar were her. Leviathan pointed his head up at the ceiling and swayed back and forth as he breathed fire, forming a great cloud of smoke and flame which rained ashes and embers down on the room. Belphegore jammed his bass with surprising effort for the embodiment of Sloth. Then again, he was still pumped full of amphetamines… Beelzebub's fingers danced across the keys of the converted pipe organ faster than the eye could see, receiving envious glares from Ultros. Lucifer and Mammon swung their instruments about as they played. Moloch-Baal beat the hell out of his drums. Lilith performed dance moves and contortions no human body could possibly match. Various guests made a mental note to have this guy perform at their weddings.

The band continued playing, their intensity growing higher and higher, until the guests half-expected the instruments to burst into flames from the inhuman strain being put on them. A couple did, actually, but that didn't ruin the music in the least. As the demons' playing reached its peak, they stalled purposefully and dramatically, holding a single, incredibly high repeating series of notes for as long as possible on all their instruments or voices. As these notes climaxed, Satan leaped on top of the podium and raised his guitar into the air. "HOOOOO-YEAHHH!" He leaped off the podium, clearing the altar before it, and skidded on his knees past Pete and Maleficent to the edge of the dais, striking one last note on his guitar which reverberated throughout the room, drowning out the noise from his bandmates, rattling the windows, cracking glasses, and causing several guests to go deaf or get severe headaches. This was accompanied by an astounding array of fireworks, SFX, and pyrotechnics courtesy of Leviathan and the others, lighting up the room with colored lights and explosions and bursts of flame that dazzled many and gave others seizures. When the noise finally stopped bouncing back and forth against the chapel walls and the light show faded away, Satan rose to his feet, his bandmates leaving their positions to stand beside him, waiting for the guests to stop having that glassy and dazed look in their eyes. They blinked at the demons in confusion. Satan hung his guitar from its bandolier across his chest and back and raised his hands in a peace sign. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!" The demons took their bows. The audience, those that weren't unconscious, deaf, or still dazed, realized they were probably supposed to applaud right now, and so they did. Rather loudly. A few people raised lit cigarette lighters or fireballs, as if they were at a rock concert, which they sort of were. The Heartless and Nobodies present did the Wave. Impressionable young women, including Pistol, cheered Satan's name, much to their friends' chagrin. Pete and Maleficent exchanged looks that essentially said, 'If we ever invite him to another party, we are _not_ gonna let him do something like this again.'

When the applause died down, Satan returned to the podium and snapped his fingers. Abruptly, all the lights turned off except for one spotlight focusing on himself, the altar, and the awkward couple standing before it. "Will the bling—I mean ring-bearer step forward, please?" he asked, no longer singing, his tone dead serious.

"Right here, Grandpa!" Nosimono said, stepping into the spotlight, rummaging through one pocket after another, having changed into a new suit after his aborted fight with Riku. "I've got the rings…right…here!" He triumphantly pulled two obsidian wedding bands from his pocket.

"Excellent, child," said a pleased Satan. "Now…will you two lovebirds pleasure us by putting your rings on each other, if you please?"

Maleficent and Pete both glanced dubiously at the dragon's claws. "I don't think it'll fit," Pete said doubtfully.

"And how am I supposed to get his on him, exactly?" Maleficent asked. "I'm sort of lacking opposable thumbs at the moment."

Satan sighed in exasperation. "Just improvise!"

"Uh, okay." Pete carefully took one of the rings from Nosimono, glanced down at Maleficent's claws, then knelt down and tried to fit it over the smallest talon, since he wasn't sure which one would correspond to the ring finger. Maleficent would just have to put it in the right place when she turned back to normal. He had surprisingly little trouble. The ring naturally wouldn't fit that far up the claw, but he was able to push it a fraction of the way down from the tip, enough to get it squeezed in snugly without being broken or bent out of shape. Stepping back up, he wiped his gloves, looking pleased with himself. Mickey patted him on the back, while his ushers glared hatefully at him. Peg glowered, for she had hoped the ring wouldn't fit.

"My turn, now, I suppose," Maleficent said. She bent her long neck down, her head looming over Nosimono, who smiled and held out the remaining ring without fear. After a moment's thought, Maleficent extended her forged tongue, her adopted son putting the wedding band onto it. Carefully, so as not to drop the ring or accidentally swallow it, she pivoted her head towards Pete, who nervously extended his left hand, hoping it wasn't about to get bitten off. Maleficent extended her tongue again and tried, more than once, to slip the ring onto Pete's finger. It was a bit difficult, though, to control her tongue so precisely, and she kept overshooting or nearly dropping the ring. A few times she did drop it, forcing Nosimono to put the ring back on her tongue and start the whole thing all over again. From the look on the dragon's face, she was getting frustrated, which meant she might get careless, which caused Pete to sweat in worry. He didn't dare pull his hand back, though, for fear of what she might do if she thought he was backing out. Finally, though, after several minutes, she managed to drop the ring onto the appropriate finger…

And it wouldn't go further than his fingertip. Pete wiped off the saliva with a handkerchief and tugged on it a little, but it wouldn't budge more than a couple of millimeters. "Um, I don't think it fits," he said apologetically, tugging on it some more. "It—ugh!—doesn't seem to be--oof!—big enough. Come on, you!" He wrestled angrily with the ring, trying to push it down. A loud groan ground out from the throats of the guests, wondering how much longer this wedding was going to take. Hadn't it gone on long enough? Maleficent sighed in exasperation. Satan groaned and put his face in his hands. The Sin demons patted his back sympathetically, while Pete's grooms cheered ecstatically to themselves. "It's…ugh…stuck! Can't move it down or pull it off, either!"

"Uh, here, Pete, let me help," Mickey said, coming over and grabbing Pete's finger. However, he didn't have much success either, partly because Pete couldn't keep his hand steady and was trying to pull on the ring at the same time Mickey was twisting it, causing their hands to fumble against each other and pretty much make no progress. "Phew, it really won't budge! Pete, how'd you fit your last wedding ring on?! Or get it off, for that matter!"

"That ring…ugh…actually fit!" Pete claimed, wrestling as much with Mickey and his own hand as with the ring. "Unlike this one, which clearly…ufh…does not!"

"Well, you got rid of that old one a while ago," Mickey grunted, trying to get the darn ring to fit. "Maybe you should go on a diet, you might have filled up a little since then!"

"For the last time, I'm not fat!" Pete growled. "Just big-boned! And I got the X-rays to prove it!" They continued tugging and pushing, futilely, at the ring. Nosimono tried to help, which naturally only made things more confusing.

Finally, Satan lost his patience. "The lot of you are all pussies," he declared, shoving Mickey and Nosimono out of the way, grabbing Pete's finger and wrist, and pushing on the ring with so much force that it nearly broke poor Pete's hand and certainly cracked a few bones as Satan fit it flush with the knuckle, where it belonged. Pete whimpered and shook his hand in pain when his new father-in-law was finished. "There, done, you big baby." Mickey helped Pete out with a quick Cure spell, Maleficent trying not to look concerned as she peered over the mouse's shoulder, while Satan resumed his place behind the podium. "Okay, we done here? Good! Now…" He stretched his hands out, pointing them at Pete and Maleficent. "By the power that is me, I hereby declare you two-"

"WAIT!" Zexion yelled, causing everyone to groan again. He was looking around in what, were he not a Nobody, might be called a frenzied state.

"What is it NOW?!" Maleficent growled, only seconds away from incinerating her lackey. Satan wasn't even that far, he was already on fire.

"He's…he's here! I can sense him, he's-" Zexion jerked, gasping and crying out as his brain, which had been actively searching the chapel and the area outside it for any presence that did not belong, was struck by a tremendous amount of psychic backlash from the force he had just detected. He fell to the ground and lay there, unmoving.

They stared for a few moments. "Gosh," said a horrified Mickey. "Is he dead?!"

"No," said Maleficent, poking Zexion's prone form with a talon. Pistol was also poking it, and enjoying it immensely, until Peg dragged her away. "If he were dead he would have disintegrated into darkness. He's out cold."

"Uh, what did he just say?" Pete asked anxiously. "Something about some guy being here?"

"That," drawled a cold, imperious voice. "Would be me." The lights flickered back on as a lightning bolt shot down from the ceiling, smashing down into the altar and destroying it with an explosion that caused everyone on the dais to stumble back. Sora stiffened in his seat, fearing for a moment that Zeus had come for him…but relaxed when the dust cleared, revealing a tall, blue-skinned man with long white hair, flowing cape, and regal clothing. Nothing to worry about, it was just Oberon.

Oh. Wait. That wasn't good.

The ruler of the Third Race smirked at the startled assemblage before him. "Since my ploy with Sephiroth and breaking the Truce to disrupt this wedding failed to gain the results I wanted, I thought it prudent to intervene personally, something I probably should have done ages ago."

"IT'S OBERON!" Flora, Fauna, Merriweather, the Blue Fairy, Fairy Godmother, and the Fairy Queen screamed, panicking at the sight of the ancient oppressor of their race. They, and the other fairies in the room, fearing that the tyrant had returned to enslave them once more, instinctively rushed into the air and fled…only to ram right into the chapel doors, still sealed due to the Thresholder Heartless inhabiting it. The Heartless' two heads blinked dumbly at the dazed fairies crumpled on the floor before it, wondering whether or not it was supposed to eat them. Without even looking, Oberon conjured energy which enveloped the fairies in magical spheres, trapping them and preventing them from escaping once they recovered. The Moogles, who were also fairies of a sort and so had also once been under Oberon's thumb, stiffened, but did not flee. Unlike the pixies and those related to them, the Moogles had been able to purchase their freedom legally some millennia ago, and still had the contract to prove it. Therefore, they did not fear Oberon had come for them, since that would be a breach of contract…still, they sensed a conflict was about to break out any moment now, and prepared themselves to protect the anxious Don Chocobo.

"Oberon! What are you doing here?!" cried Mickey, summoning his Keyblade. "What do you think you can gain by ruining this wedding?"

"Nothing less than avenging my honor…" Oberon whirled to face him and immediately lashed out with a kick, hitting Mickey in the gut and hurling him off the dais, causing him to slam into a nearby column. The mouse king gasped in pain and slid to the ground, a few small metal objects falling from his pocket in the process. "And accomplishing something I should have done long, long ago."

"Mickey!" cried a horrified Minnie and a worried Pete.

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Goofy, Donald, the Keybearers, and all the Disney troops roared, leaping to their feet and drawing their weapons.

King Arthur and the Gargoyles rose with them, more than ready to settle their score with the elf. "Oberon, you will die this day!" Goliath shouted.

"You know, you picked a _really_ bad time to stop in!" Satan roared, flames rising from his body and making Hades envious. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were _asking_ for an ass-whupping!" His guitar burst into flames and transformed into a barbed and deadly-looking trident, his Sin Demon generals transforming their instruments into weapons as well or summoning them directly from Hell.

"If I am," said Oberon, holding up a small ornate silver sphere in his hand, ignoring how nearly everyone else in the room was getting up and drawing weapons, while Maleficent inhaled to breathe fire and dozens of very powerful Heartless and Nobodies warped into the room. "Then it is certainly not with you." Squeezing the sphere, he hurled it at Satan's feet.

The master of Hell blinked and looked down at the object as it started beeping. His eyes widened in horror. "Unholy FUCK! That's the Holy Flash Grenade of Antioch! Every demon, duck and cove-"

The sphere detonated in an incredible flash of light which filled the room, blinding everyone and causing the guests to cry out in pain, even those specially attuned to the light. There were many louder, more horrific screams, along with an earth-shaking bellow of agony from Maleficent, a more high-pitched scream that the crew from Radiant Garden knew could only be Aerith, and a great roar of indignation and fury that was probably Satan, for certainly no sound such as that could ever be fueled by mortal lungs. When the light faded, the Nobodies lay about, stunned, and the Heartless were gone, only fading wisps of darkness to signify they had ever been there. But they weren't the only ones who were gone. Satan, the Sin demons, and every other demon in the room had vanished, taking any trace of their presence with them.

"F-Father!" Maleficent cried in horror, her heavy form sagging on the ground, lacking the strength to lift herself. Her wings fluttered weakly against her sides.

"MASTER!" Aerith screamed in heartbroken anguish and despair, covered in sweat and fallen to the floor. The other bridesmaids helped her back up, though she fought and clawed and wailed for her lord to return.

"Hey, what just happened?!" Pete cried.

"Grandpa! Come back!" Nosimono pleaded.

"I'm afraid he won't be back anytime soon," Oberon said coolly, shoving everyone on the dais away from him with a blast of psychic force which knocked them over, obliterating the stunned Nobody guards (save for Zexion) as well. "The Holy Flash Grenade of Antioch is an extremely powerful banishing spell, one that not even the lord of Hell can overcome. It also has the quite useful side effect of temporarily saturating the area with holy energy, preventing any dark corridors from opening and thus keeping out any Heartless or Nobody annoyances who might intrude, so there's no point in you trying to call them for help getting rid of me. A shame there's only one Flash Grenade, for it's such a useful device, and I haven't had time to make more…but I think one is all I need for now."

"Well then, it's most unfortunate for you that I'm only HALF demon," Maleficent rasped, clambering back to her feet. "And so could not be banished quite as easily as my father! Dark Circle! All my legions and allies! Strike against Oberon, in the name of evil!"

"Likewise, everyone!" Mickey said, nimbly picking himself back up. "Whatever Oberon's got planned, we can't let him get away with it!" All of the guests with fighting ability, which was most of them, rose, putting their common differences aside for the moment to take on the party crasher.

Oberon smirked. "Defiance. How quaint. Immobilizeja!" Blue bolts of magic leapt from his fingertips, striking the charging guests and those closest to him, causing them to cry out and stop dead in their tracks, crackling with electricity. The bolts jumped from person to person, in short order, swiftly immobilizing everyone in the room. Well, ALMOST everyone…

"Wh-what's going on? I…I can't move!" Pete cried.

"Damn him! What has he done?!" Mirage hissed, bristling but unable to move, despite all her power. None of the other witches were very pleased with this either.

"Ugh! Hey, this isn't fair!" Hades cried, struggling against his paralysis. "I'm a god! A stupid spell like this shouldn't be holding me back!"

"Hey, some things are even stronger than gods," Genie pointed out, also struggling. "Aw man! And here I thought I was done being magically bound to someone or something!"

"Well, this sucks balls," Pistol complained, causing Peg to gasp. She would have smacked Pistol for using such language, were it not for the small problem of being paralyzed.

Various cries of alarm, complaints, and angry protests rang out around the room as the guests tried, and failed, to break free from Oberon's spell, even the most powerful sorcerers and witches unable to escape or cast proper spells without full control over their bodies, even if their voices still worked. However, one group was still totally free. "You overlooked one thing, Oberon," King Arthur said, stepping out into the aisle with his sword Excalibur in one hand and a small iron bell in the other, with Goliath and his Gargoyle brethren behind him. "Your magic has no effect on those who wear iron!"

"And we never leave home without it, Oberon!" Goliath declared, hefting his mace. "Since we never know if we might run into you or your ilk while we're out!"

"Hmmph. Do you really think iron weapons alone will be able to stop me?" Oberon sneered. "I have taken precautions…even that bell of yours will do no good against me, I remembered to bring earplugs!"

"You think weapons are all we've brought?" Goliath asked with a fierce grin. He pressed a button on his belt buckle. Instantly, what looked like semi-liquid metal began pouring out from under his belt and covering his skin, molding itself into thick, segmented high-tech yet oddly medieval-looking metal armor which covered every inch of exposed flesh. Spikes grew from elongated pauldrons on his shoulders, plates on his hips, and from the sides of the large clawed gauntlets on his arms. His wing membranes were coated with a thin, lightweight but very durable sheet metal covering, while what looked like a jetpack grew from his back, to allow him real flight rather than simple gliding. (Especially since it would probably have been difficult solely to glide in that armor, despite how light it felt on him.) The talons on his feet, already strong enough to dig into stone, had been built up and had the addition of a Velociraptor-like sickle claw to make his kicks deadlier. The armor on his tail sprouted barbs from the end, making it a more effective weapon than it had ever been before. A horned helmet with a noseguard and transparent face shield formed over his head and hair to protect his cranium. His armor glinted in the light from the chandeliers hanging above as the metal making it up changed its chemical composition into iron. The other Gargoyles had done the same, growing armor from seemingly out of nowhere, though the designs and styles differed depending on each Gargoyles' preference. Some looked medieval European, others more high-tech and futuristic, and one or two even had the look of samurai, with matching weapons for whatever style they had chosen. Oberon now found himself faced with a small army of metal-skinned warriors, headed by none other than the legendary King Arthur, the only one of them who had apparently refused to wear advanced armor such as theirs…unless there was more to the armor he was already wearing than met the eye. "Xanatos is as angry at you as we are, for you denied his family the safety they pleaded for, endangering those he cared for the most in his world. And so he's supplied us with the latest in nanotech-armor, allowing us to cover ourselves in iron skin impervious to your magic! And making us far dangerous to you than ever before…" He hefted his mace, which had also been augmented by the nanites, getting bigger, spikier, and overall more badass-looking, with shock generators causing it to crackle with electricity. "And now, we will have our vengeance. For our brothers and sisters, for my daughter, you shall finally pay for your sins of inaction, Oberon."

"Then…you're essentially punishing me for not doing a thing to you or your kind?" Oberon asked incredulously. "That hardly seems fair and reasonable."

"Well, you know what they say," commented Arthur. "Sometimes the greatest way to let evil win is for those who can stop it to do nothing. And you are certainly guilty of that, if nothing else."

Oberon sniffed disdainfully. "Just the sort of logic I'd expect from a mortal…just as I'd also expect you to put far too much faith in your armor. It has a glaring flaw."

"And what, precisely, would that be?" Goliath asked, daring Oberon to try and exploit it.

"You're right; it shields you from my magic directly…but indirectly? You're completely vulnerable." Oberon gestured…and suddenly, the stained glass windows around the room shimmered and briefly transformed into regular, clear windows, causing Maleficent to gasp in dismay as all the lovely artwork disappeared. What looked like sunlight streamed through these windows…but that was impossible, there was no sun in Dark City!

The Gargoyles stiffened as the light shone on them…literally! To their horror, their body was turning to stone underneath their armor, slowing their movements and freezing them in place. "No! This cannot be!" Goliath cried in horror. "There is no sun here! We cannot turn to stone!"

"It's not exactly exposure to sunlight that triggers your physiological change so much as your biological clock's perception that it's time for you to sleep…encasing you in a stone cocoon to protect you in your slumber. You are correct, there is no sun on this world…but by creating the illusion of one, I've tricked your body into prematurely going to sleep. And while asleep…there will be nothing to stop me from shattering you and your friends into dust," Oberon explained.

Goliath roared in fury, trying to make a lunge for the Fae lord before his body was completely petrified. "OBERONNNNN!" He only made it five steps before freezing completely in place, mace raised over his head, a look of pure rage carved onto his face. He, and his terrified-looking comrades, were now little more than statues wearing very cool-looking metal armor.

The 'sunlight' faded away, the stained glass windows turning back to normal, though Oberon's smug, radiant grin was almost bright enough for the lighting change to make no difference whatsoever. "And that, as they say, is that."

"Not so! I still stand!" Arthur said, discarding his bell and advancing on Oberon, Excalibur held two-handed.

"So you do," agreed Oberon. "And if you take one step further, I shall shatter your Gargoyle friends to dust, just as I threatened Goliath." Arthur paused midstep, hesitating. "You know I'm not bluffing. I will do it in an instant if you do not stand down."

Arthur clenched his fists, muscular form shaking with rage, before violently and reluctantly sheathing his sword. "A pox on you, Oberon."

Oberon was unbothered. "I doubt it, I don't get sick. At all. Now, Arthur, Once and Future King, Destined Ruler of the Britons…kneel."

Every ruler in the room gasped in disbelief. "What?!" Arthur cried incredulously, stunned by Oberon's sheer audacity.

"Yes, you heard me," Oberon said, sounding even smugger as he stepped down from the dais and walked a little ways down the aisle towards Arthur, stopping a few feet away from the king. "Kneel before me. I care not for your petty and meaningless titles of kingship, before me all mortals are equally worthless. And as such, you must kneel. Is it not always the custom of the inferior to pay their respects to those greater than them?"

"Damn you!" Arthur spat, infuriated. The other monarchs in the room, both good and evil, echoed Arthur's sentiment, feeling just as indignant as he.

"Yeah, who does he think he is?!"

"This is most dishonorable!"

"You're a king, man; you don't have to kneel to anyone!"

"Gank him!"

"Cut that girly hair of his!"

"Whup him and make _him_ kneel to _you!_"

The rulers shouted their encouragements to Arthur, telling him to stand up and defend his pride and honor. Soon, they were joined by most of the other people in the room, all crying out to Arthur and telling him not to give in, to not let Oberon win. And it seemed, for a moment, as if the king was going to do just that and continue to refuse his enemy. He jutted his chin out at Oberon defiantly. But then the party crasher dropped another bombshell. "If you do not kneel to me this instant, I will kill the Gargoyles. And everyone else in this room."

That stopped all the protests and encouragements dead in their tracks. None of them wanted to die. Deny it as they might, deep down everyone knew this was probably well within Oberon's power. If he could immobilize them all with a single spell, he could probably kill them just as easily.

Arthur set his chin in a deep scowl, but nodded slowly. "Very well. If that is how it must be. However, Oberon, know that an act of submission and fealty made under threats and duress is no true fealty, but a farce made to please one's ego. Inferior as you may regard me, the only reason people ever bow to me or kneel is out of respect, not because they fear me or my power. A monarch who rules through terror and threats is nothing more than a tyrant and a coward, and that is what you are, Oberon. So, while I bow to you now, I do so only to protect my friends. I do not, and never will, acknowledge you as being worthy of _my_ respect…for I feel nothing but disgust and pity when I look upon one such as you." And then, stiffly, he kneeled, and Oberon seethed with rage. For, despite being on his knees, head bowed, Arthur still had a great air of pride and confidence about him, and looked every bit the king legends made him out to be. He had lost no honor in this act of submission, if anything, he'd _gained_ even more! And, in his anger at Arthur's victory through submission, he very well might have smashed the petrified Gargoyles and murdered everyone in the room out of spite; had not a very fortuitous thing occurred that moment.

"_He_ may kneel to you…"

"But we never will!"

Heads would have whipped around if they hadn't been frozen on their necks, but out of the corners of their eyes the guests were still able to see Sora and Riku walking confidently up the aisle, Keyblades in hand. A cheer rose up on the good side of the room as the trapped guests realized there was still hope, and the legendary Keyblade masters were still in action. "Go Sora!" Goofy hollered enthusiastically. "You can take him!"

"Yeah, if you could beat Xehanort, Xemnas, and Sephiroth, you can certainly defeat this guy!" Donald squawked. "Hey, just realized that all of them, and Oberon, have roughly the same hair color. Wonder why that is…what is it with all these long white or silver-haired villains, anyway?" Sora's many friends shouted similar encouragements, and gave the same to Riku, though most of them didn't have a clue as to who he actually was, since they had never met him. The villains were a little more familiar with him, but weren't sure if they should cheer or not, since he was technically a reformed bad guy and therefore almost as hated by them as a pure hero like Sora was. Still, he was up and about and willing to help them, so they supposed they could forgive his presence. For now. The only one who was adamantly set against _not_ cheering, much to the frustration of his friends, was Leon, who was naturally extremely pissed and jealous that Sora had managed to escape the spell but he could not, and so he quite frankly hoped that the Keyblade Master would die a violent and horrible death. (God, he needs a serious attitude adjustment.)

Oberon actually looked surprised. "Wh-what?! What is this? How can you have escaped my spell?!"

"Well, here's the thing," Sora said with a smirk. "It's a bad idea to try to freeze people carrying giant keys that can unlock stuff in place with a spell that is, essentially, just a big lock on physical movement."

_Mind over matter,_ Roxas agreed. _I guess we can break anything if we think of it as a lock, right?_

"And it's an even worse idea," added Riku. "To then threaten to kill their friends and everyone else while they're in hearing distance."

"And even worse than that," agreed Kairi as she stepped forward, startling her two male friends. "You've ruined Maleficent's wedding. I certainly don't like her, but I sympathize as much as any woman who dreams of getting married would. For crashing this wedding and causing all this trouble, you're going down!"

"Uh, Kairi?" Sora whispered. "Weren't you supposed to be, you know, staying behind to break everyone else out of the spell?"

Kairi rolled her eyes. "What, and miss out on all the fun?" Both boys groaned.

_I tried to stop her,_ Namine said apologetically. _But she wouldn't back down._

_Well, guess we'll finally see if the training we've been putting her through has been any good…_ Roxas said dubiously.

_You will all die!_ Xehanort cackled triumphantly.

_Which means you probably will, too…_ Namine pointed out.

…_Oh. Right. Darn!_

"Hmmph," said Oberon, regaining his composure. "Three warriors of the Keyblade, daring to challenge the leader of the Third Race? I have encountered your kind before, and slaughtered them for defying me…and they were at the height of their powers, rather than being immature, underdeveloped infants such as yourselves."

"Hey, we take offense at that!" said Riku.

"Yeah, we're certainly not infants!" agreed Sora. "Just the other day, I grew some chest hair! So there!" His friends looked at him. "What?"

"And you're forgetting about me," Arthur said, rising to his feet and drawing Excalibur once more. "If children dare to challenge you, who am I not to lend them a hand?"

"Why does everyone keep calling us children? We're young adolescents!" Kairi complained.

_I think to adults, anyone under twenty is still a child,_ Roxas said. _I certainly got called 'kid' or 'child' a lot back in the Organization._

_Well, maybe that's because you were the youngest of them…_ Namine pointed out. _Other than me, anyway. But I wasn't really a member, so…_

Roxas grunted. _Well, I _might_ have been the youngest…but that didn't stop me from getting on top every time one of the other members and I had sex-_

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Sora yelled, holding his hands over his ears.

"Yeah, really, that's a bit too much," said Riku, his face pale.

"Uh, Namine, any chance of you getting the horrible, horrible images we're all probably picturing now out of our heads?" Kairi asked desperately.

_Usually, I'd say no, but this time…I'm considering it…_ Namine admitted.

Oberon, Arthur, and pretty much everyone else stared at Sora in confusion as he banged his head against one of the petrified Gargoyles, screaming curses at somebody named 'Roxas' and yelling how now he couldn't get the image of a naked 'Xemnas' or 'Saix', whoever those were, out of his head. Oberon felt his chances of victory growing by the second. Arthur found himself puzzled and worried. The guests, hearts sinking in despair, began accepting that they were doomed and made their last-minute prayers.

"So," Oberon said after a moment. "Three Keyblade wielders, one who is clearly insane, plus a measly mortal monarch. You stand no chance against me."

"Once again, your math is wrong," Arthur said, glimpsing something behind Oberon and breaking into a grin.

"Oh?" asked Oberon, raising an eyebrow. "And what would that-" He was interrupted when he got blasted from behind by multiple Pearl and Dark Aura shots. They didn't actually hurt him in the least, but they caught him off guard. "What?!" He whirled around to see who had dared strike him.

"Don't you know how to count?" Nosimono taunted, in Dark Mode once more, which had forced him to shred his clothes…again…

"That's right!" King Mickey added, raising the Reverse Kingdom Key. "There's _five_ of us Keybearers here, not just three!" In fact, there were six of them, but Jack Sparrow was too busy taking advantage of the Immobilizega spell to brazenly rob everyone blind in plain sight to help out, plus he wasn't really looking forward to fighting a seemingly all-powerful warlord. Yuffie glared daggers at him as Jack intentionally took his time searching her, willing him dead in all the nine thousand painful ways she had learned of in her ninja training. He even had the audacity to give her a farewell kiss on the cheek before heading after his next mark! Yuffie swore a bloody vendetta against Sparrow…which would be the one thousand seven hundred and seventieth such vendetta, but she had no way of knowing that.

"Go get 'im, your Majesty!" Goofy cried.

"Yeah, show him who's boss!" Donald added.

"Oh, do be careful!" Minnie cried.

"KING MICKEY! KING MICKEY! KING MICKEY!" cheered Max, PJ, and the other rank-and-file soldiers of the Disney Kingdom, their hope restored and slowly rekindling faith in everyone else, as well. An annoyed Roxas wondered why they weren't cheering for them anymore.

"Yeah, take him out, Rodent!" Pete hollered.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but…yes, do defeat him, all of you!" Maleficent added. "Oh, and do watch out for yourself, Nosimono dearest."

"Don't worry mom, this shouldn't take too long!" Nosimono said, confidently charging up another Dark Aura. "Especially with Big Brother on my side!"

"Heh…never would have thought we'd be fighting _together_ instead of against each other…" Riku commented, shaking his head ruefully. "Come on…let's take him down!"

_Yeah, we can totally whup this girly-looking guy! We've done it to all the others, after all!_ Roxas agreed.

_You'd better not be insinuating that _I_ am one of those 'girly-looking guys',_ Xehanort growled. _Oh, and Riku, do you suppose-_

"No, I'm not going to let you take over my body to hand Oberon's ass to him, nor will I let you go inhabit my clone over there just because he'd probably make a more willing host than me," Riku said at once.

_Drat!_

Oberon scowled, the cheers and encouragements rising from all of the paralyzed guests irritating him. "Very well…if you fools wish to throw your lives away…come at me!"

They did. Before he could reach them, though, he teleported further down the aisle, behind them, formed an energy ball as large as he was, and fired it at the vulnerable Gargoyle statues.

Fortunately, Sora was close enough to leapfrog over the petrified warriors' heads and land behind them just in time to deflect the energy blast with his Keyblade, sending it flying off at an angle and exploding against the ceiling, causing the chapel to shake and for rubble to fall alarmingly close to some of the guests' heads. "We're not gonna let you get away with a dirty trick like that!" Sora said, dashing at Oberon.

"I'm afraid you have no choice," Oberon said, teleporting away again and reappearing high above them. He gestured, and lightning bolts shot down from nowhere, targeting not the heroes opposing him but the guests frozen in the pews. "For if you choose to fight me, you must be willing to allow certain…collateral damages."

"Not so fast! Magnega!" Mickey cast, creating a ball of magnetic energy which attracted and absorbed the lightning bolts before they could strike the guests.

"And now you're open! Pearl!" Kairi began hurling small white energy orbs at Oberon, which he easily deflected with a swish of his cape, as well as the Dark Aura bursts hurled by Riku and Sora's Blizzaga shots.

"Is that the best you can do? Let me show you true power!" Gesturing, Oberon summoned about a thousand laser shots which rained down on the Keybearers.

"Reflega!" Sora and Mickey shouted, quickly creating a domed hexagonal shield around the sextet which deflected the lasers, causing them to ricochet around the room…and sail dangerously close to a few of the guests' heads. "Phew! That was a close one," commented Kuzco as one laser passed right over him. "Good thing that missed…wait, what's that smell?" It was then he realized that the laser had melted his royal headdress and set his hair on fire. "WAAAAHHH! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! SOMEBODY PUT IT OUT, QUICK!" His guards tried spitting on the flame to put it out, but since they couldn't actually turn their necks or gather much spit it wasn't helping. An Assassin Nobody with a fire extinguisher who had gotten trapped in the chapel due to Oberon sealing off the dark corridors, and managed to escape the deaths of its brethren, came over to him. "Oh, thank goodness-" It turned from him and instead sprayed King Richard, covering him with foam. The lion blinked in confusion as the Nobody walked away, wondering what had just happened.

"Blizzara!" Mickey cast as he rolled past, evading a series of magical energy balls flung by Oberon.

"Oh, thanks," said a relieved Kuzco as his hair cooled off. "That's much…wait, I feel a draft. Did I lose some hair?!"

"Uh, no sir, nope, not at all," his guards denied dutifully, trying not to look at the rather obvious bald spot on the top of the emperor's head.

King Arthur circled Oberon warily, either dodging or deflecting spells with his sword or allowing certain others to fizzle harmlessly against his armor, waiting for an opening. When Sora managed to successfully light Oberon's cape on fire with a Firaga spell, momentarily distracting him while he tried to put it out, Arthur lunged at Oberon's briefly exposed back, trying to drive Excalibur through the tyrant's spine.

To his surprise, the enchanted blade skidded and slid right off Oberon's back, as if his fine outfit were some kind of impenetrable armor. Perhaps it was. "What?!" Arthur cried in surprise, stumbling back as he tried to regain his balance.

Hurling a massive energy blast at the Keybearers to momentarily distract them, Oberon backhanded Arthur, nearly snapping his head off and certainly cracking a few teeth. "Fool. Do you truly think a paltry magic sword such as that can harm me? I am Oberon!" His boast was broken off with a gasp of pain as Sora, Riku and Mickey slashed into his back with their Keyblades, tearing at his cape and rear, while Nosimono, surrounded by a dark aura, dashed past Oberon repeatedly at super speeds, striking him repeatedly with his Dark Keyblade. "Funny," Riku taunted. "Our magical swords seem to be working just fine!"

"That would be because Keyblades aren't exactly made of metal, although they look like it," Mickey explained as Oberon teleported away, the damage they did already mended, and began trying to hit them with lasers again. The elf lord was more than a little irritated that the Keyblades, despite not being made of iron, seemed to be able to easily penetrate his personal shields. "They're made of some weird material, I don't know what, but basically their strength is determined by the power of the heart wielding them and the keychain describing their form."

"So in other words," Riku said, batting away an energy blast with Way to the Dawn and firing off a few Dark Auras. "We should just keep doing what we're doing now, and we'll be okay?"

"I think so," said Mickey, adding a few Pearl shots into Riku and Nosimono's volley. "Still, it probably wouldn't hurt to use a metal-looking Keyblade. You know, to add some real bite, just in case."

"Works for me," Nosimono said, utterly fine with continuing to use his malevolent Keyblade. Sora, on the other hand, considered for a moment which would be better, Fenrir or Ultima Weapon, then decided to go with the former, since it looked metal and…well, he wasn't sure what the other was made of. Besides, Fenrir was stronger, even if it did shorten his combos a little. _This should be good,_ Roxas cackled eagerly.

"You okay?" Kairi asked Arthur, having healed him and remaining by his side while he recovered, occasionally firing a Pearl or two to help the boys.

"Yes, I'm fine. But not sure how much use I can be, if my sword doesn't even work!" Arthur growled in frustration. Kairi sympathized, knowing all too well what it felt like to be helpless. "If only there were something I could…" He trailed off, eyes lighting up in thought. "I have an idea. It might work, but I need to get Oberon into position a little further down the aisle, about halfway between the main door and the altar."

"Okay, I'll handle it," Kairi said instantly, much to Namine's dismay. As well as Arthur's.

"Are you certain?" the king asked, looking rather concerned.

Kairi frowned at him. "What? You don't think I can do it?"

"It's not that," Arthur said quickly. "It's just…well…my honor code won't let me let a fair lady put herself in danger."

Kairi smirked at him. "Don't worry; this fair lady can take care of herself. And besides, with such brave strong men watching out for me, what could go wrong?" she joked.

"But…" Arthur protested.

"You do what you need to, and I'll do what I have to. Simple as that. Good luck!" Kairi said, running back into the fray.

"But-" Arthur started, but of course she was already gone. He sighed and shook his head. "Ah, women of this era can be so confusing…" He quickly ran off to carry out his plan, hoping this wasn't a mistake.

_Are you sure this is a good idea?_ Namine said anxiously as Kairi quickly got into position down the aisle, Oberon still distracted trying to destroy her male friends. (And Nosimono)

"Nope," Kairi said cheerfully.

_Wonderful…_

"Hey Oberon!" Kairi shouted, firing Pearls at his back to get his attention. "What's with the skin color? Trying to join the Blue Man group or something, or are you just an overgrown Smurf? And don't you know that long silver-white hair is _so_ overrated and overdone?"

"Hey!" Riku, Nosimono, and Xehanort said indignantly. Somewhere far away, in the middle of another epic duel with Cloud, Sephiroth sneezed and got the vague feeling he was being insulted by someone, somewhere.

"What's wrong with blue skin?" Genie wondered, somewhat hurt.

"Yeah, what is she, some kind of azurophobe or something?" Hades complained. Stitch nodded sullenly in agreement, or would have if his neck muscles weren't paralyzed. "We should totally sue her for discrimination as soon as that lawyer guy gets back!"

Oberon was just as outraged and insulted as everyone else Kairi had accidentally slighted with her taunt. "What! How dare you insult my complexion and hairstyle!?!" Enraged, Oberon teleported down to a startled Kairi and grabbed her by the neck before she could get out of his range. The other Princesses of Heart gasped, as did the evil witches, though more out of fear they'd lose their organ donor than actual sympathy and worry for Kairi. Oberon sneered in disgust at Kairi, and would have crushed her throat in an instant…

Had not an enraged Sora and Riku, with Roxas screaming at the top of his nonexistent lungs inside his brother, smashed into him from behind with flying kicks, shouting, "DON'T YOU TOUCH HER!" As the elven lord pitched forward, Mickey dashed by in front to snatch Kairi from Oberon's grasp, striking him across the chest with his Keyblade. Nosimono, pulsating with the power of darkness, practically rocketed forward as Mickey got out of the way, impaling Oberon with his Keyblade, the force of Riku and Sora's kick driving it further into him.

Unfortunately, it didn't appear to really hinder, or even hurt him, that much, other than making him grimace. Oberon grabbed Nosimono's face in one hand and grabbed the dark Keyblade in the other, blasting Riku's clone at point-blank range and sending him flying off, head smoking. Oberon then ripped the Keyblade from his chest and spun around in time to use it to deflect Sora and Riku's Keyblades from piercing his back, blasting them away with his free hand just as the dark Keyblade vanished from his grip and returned to Nosimono's. Not that it could do him much good, at the moment…

Mickey and Kairi could fix that in a jiffy, though. "Curaga!" They both cried out. Green bells and leaves tinkled over the heads of the injured heroes, healing their wounds, and all three of them hopped back to their feet at once, Riku and Nosimono both pelting Oberon with Dark Auras while Sora decided to go for something a bit more physical by flinging his Keyblade at Oberon's head in a Strike Raid. And, since he had switched keychains to give his weapon its super-strong metallic (possibly iron, possibly not) Fenrir form, he knew without a doubt that it was going to hurt.

And it did. Oberon cried out as the Keyblade cut a gash in his face before he could teleport out of the way, ripping out one of his eyes in the process and spilling black blood onto the floor. The wounded area regenerated quickly, but it had _hurt, _much more than their other strikes had, even Nosimono's stab through the chest, and that was a good thing as far as the heroes were concerned. It meant he could be injured, and, just possibly, defeated.

Oberon was not pleased by this reminder, and gathered energy to him, preparing to annihilate the lot of them with a single blow even as they surrounded him and began hacking at him from all sides, striking him with Keyblade and spell. It was unfortunate, though, that he had not thought to wonder where Arthur had gone, for if he had he could have avoided what happened next. Just as Oberon knocked the heroes away with a psychic burst and roundhouse kick and prepared to disintegrate them…

The chandelier hanging above him dropped from the ceiling, Arthur having climbed up to sever its chain personally. And wouldn't you know it; the darn thing was made of iron. So it probably hurt Oberon quite a lot when the immense, elaborate, half a ton or so chandelier came crashing down on him from above, Arthur riding down on top as it fell in truly badass style, earning him quite a lot of respect and street cred from the other monarchs. Even the villains, grudgingly, had to admit that wasn't a half bad move he had just pulled off. They started cheering, believing Oberon to be defeated. It certainly looked as if he was, since he was now pinned and hidden underneath a big iron chandelier. And most people were beaten when a chandelier falls on them.

"Say, Robin," King Richard said suddenly. "I thought _you_ copyrighted that move."

The fox freedom fighter frowned. "Yeah…come to think of it, I have! When that lawyer gets back, I'm going to get him to help me sue that guy, king or not! And all the other guys who've used it without paying me royalties!"

"Wow," said an impressed Riku. "Not bad. Gotta remember that move."

"I did something like that once," Sora commented. "To a big Heartless. Dark Thorn, I believe."

_Dude, he just snuck off and let us take all the damage so he could finish Oberon off in a single move and get all the credit,_ said an impressed Roxas._ This guy is _so _my new hero._

"Nice work, Arthur," Mickey said, shaking the monarch's hand as Arthur climbed off the chandelier.

"Glad to be of assistance," said an unabashed Arthur. "I felt I needed to do something, since Excalibur didn't seem to work on Oberon's foul hide. I think this other idea worked quite nicely though, didn't it?"

"Yes," agreed Mickey. "Though you could also have tried impaling him with one of those big iron candelabras in the back."

Arthur blinked and looked over his shoulder, noticing the candelabras in question. "Oh," he said, embarrassed. "I forgot about those."

Mickey chuckled. "Yeah, I know the feeling…"

"I think we worked pretty well together, didn't we Big Brother?" Nosimono asked, resting his Keyblade against his shoulder.

"I suppose," Riku said noncommittally. "It was better than fighting each other again, I'll give you that much."

"Think we can do it again sometime?" the clone asked hopefully.

"What, fight each other, or team up?" asked the confused original.

"…That's a good question," Nosimono said after a moment. Riku rolled his eyes.

_I think I'll stick with you after all,_ Xehanort decided. _At least you seem to possess a little more brain._

"Are you all right, Kairi?" Sora asked anxiously, looking his friend up and down. "Did he hurt you? Your neck doesn't look very good…"

"It's okay," Kairi assured him, her voice rasping slightly. "Just a small bruise. You guys hit him before he could do anything worse, and I'm sure a Potion will fix it up."

Sora sighed. "That's good. But…it could have been a lot worse. I was really worried there, for a minute. Maybe it was a bad idea to start training you after all…" He frowned at her. "And what were you thinking, rushing in there like that?! You could have been killed! If you keep acting like that, there's no way we're going to let you keep fighting with us!"

_Yeah,_ Roxas agreed, sounding uncharacteristically concerned. _I can't…I mean, we can't lose you guys._ Namine flushed, flattered by what went unspoken.

"Hey!" Kairi, not quite so flattered, said, glaring at Sora. "Just because the bad guy nearly crushed my throat is no excuse not to let me keep fighting! Besides, it was all according to plan."

_Sure it was…_Namine muttered.

"It was?" said a confused Sora.

"Yes, Arthur needed to move Oberon in position so he could drop that chandelier, so I volunteered to be bait," Kairi explained.

Sora's eyes flashed in anger. "What!!! Why that-" He turned to confront Arthur, but was stopped when Kairi put a hand on his arm.

"Stop it, Sora! It's not Arthur's fault. I think he intended for me to tell you guys, so you'd lure Oberon over there. He wasn't very happy with me deciding to do it myself, but I didn't really leave him a lot of choice." Kairi smirked at that.

Sora frowned at Kairi. "Kairi, it's not funny! You took a really big risk there; you could have gotten yourself killed! If you're going to keep fighting with us in the future, you _can't_ pull stunts like this by yourself! We're a team, which means we have to rely on each other, not try doing solo things like that just to be brave or prove yourself or whatever!"

_Uh, don't we do that sort of stuff all the time?_ Roxas pointed out.

"Shut up, Roxas."

Kairi grimaced, realizing Sora was right. "You're right, Sora. I'm sorry. I should have told you guys in the first place. But…I wasn't sure how much time Arthur needed, and I was worried Oberon might have caught on if I told you, so I figured I had to do it by myself, as fast as I could. And…maybe I was a little cocky. I won't do it again." She then smiled at Sora. "But…I think part of it was because I knew that, even if I screwed up, which I sort of did, that you guys would save me. Because, like you said, we're a team, and that's what teammates do, right? Trust each other and help one another out in their time of need."

"That's right," Sora said, looking relieved and more than a little flattered by how much trust Kairi put in him and Riku. "And you'd do the same for any of us, right? Just like Riku would."

Kairi smiled and nodded. "That's right, I would. But, just so you know…I wasn't in quite as much danger as you thought."

_We weren't?_ said an incredulous Namine.

"You weren't?" asked a doubtful Sora, echoed by Roxas, who was secretly glad they were done with the mushy talk about trust and friendship and all that. It made him uncomfortable.

Kairi chuckled. "That's right. In fact, I already had a move ready to use on Oberon to break free, but you guys beat me to it."

Sora blinked. "…You did?"

"Yeah, I was going to slam him in the crotch with my Keyblade."

"Ah."

_Yeah, that might've done it,_ said Roxas. _Then again, her Keyblade's not metal-looking, and really is sort of sissy and weak, so…might not have worked._

Kairi glared at Roxas (well, technically Sora, but Roxas was inside him so…) when she heard that. "If that's the case, then maybe you should lend me some of your other keychains in the future, so I'm not stuck with just this one and Oathkeeper," she said, gesturing at the rather flowery and girly-looking Keyblade she was holding. "Something with a bit more bite to it. That isn't, as you said, 'sissy or weak'."

"Oathkeeper's got plenty of bite!" Sora protested. "And isn't sissy _or_ weak!"

"That's true, but it doesn't really do anything to make me look less feminine or less like a target," Kairi pointed out.

_And I suppose we could use a bit more intensity in training, too, to boost our fighting skills,_ Namine added. _So this won't happen again._

_Hmm, they've got you there,_ Roxas admitted. _On both points._

"Oh shut up! Okay, I guess we could turn up the training regimen a little, but you use Oathkeeper too! And so did I!" Sora complained to the voice in his head. "There's nothing girly about it! If there was, you wouldn't use it all the time!"

_Yes, well, as Marluxia said, only a guy who's utterly secure in his masculinity can pull off wearing pink. Or using a girly-looking weapon,_ said Roxas. _And since Marluxia was a psychotic maniac who grew man-eating plants and carried around an incredibly lethal (and pink) scythe, and managed to stay badass and terrifying despite trailing flower petals everywhere he went, I think he knew what he was talking about. I think Mastah S might agree with the same sentiment, actually, he seems like that kind of guy. Of course, you wouldn't catch _me _wearing pink or using that flower Keyblade, I have my limits. And don't really want to use anything more effeminate than Oathkeeper._

"Look, for the last time, it's not girly!" Sora snapped. "It's just…ah…ornate. And shiny. And…kind of pretty and colorful…" Sora sighed. "All right, all right, Kairi, I'll lend you and Riku some more of my keychains. Guess it couldn't hurt to widen your arsenals a little. And we'll see about upping your training, too…we don't want what nearly happened today from occurring again. Who knows what Oberon might have done if we hadn't stopped him?"

_Actually, we do know,_ Roxas pointed out. _He would have crushed her trachea._

"Shut up, it was a rhetorical statement!"

_Was not._

"Was too!"

_Was not._

"Was too!"

_Was not._

"Was too!"

Kairi and Namine rolled their eyes. "_Boys,"_ they said in unison.

"You all did wonderfully!" Minnie cheered.

"Yes," agreed Maleficent. "Can you be dears and get us out now, please?!" All of the other guests and paralyzees started clamoring and begging for release from the spell as well, which the Keybearers were only too willing to do…

When the chandelier started shaking. All went silent and stared, if they could, at the fallen decorative piece with dread. Sora sighed. "Should've known it wouldn't be that easy."

_It never is,_ Roxas agreed sadly.

"Really shoulda seen this coming, huh? He's not dead…" Riku muttered. "Big shock."

"Well, he's a super-powerful bad guy," Nosimono pointed out. "Just like my mom! Guys like him never go down easily!"

_We certainly don't!_ Xehanort agreed proudly.

"Namine, I hope we're ready for this," Kairi said anxiously, switching her flowery keychain for the Oathkeeper one she had gotten back from Sora on his return from the Realm of Darkness, changing her Keyblade into the beautiful and ornate white Keyblade symbolizing her and Sora's bond. Oathkeeper, while indeed being somewhat effeminate, was certainly less so than the Keyblade she had just been using, and was quite a bit stronger too.

_So do I,_ Namine said mournfully.

"Guys, here, take these!" King Mickey said, pulling out a handful of small metal tags on chain necklaces and tossing them to the four other Keybearers. "These are iron charms I had prepared after Oberon stormed out last night, since I figured he might carry a grudge and thought we might need something to use for protection from his powers! I would have gotten more, but I didn't have time," he added apologetically. "I actually had a few more spares, but…I think I left them back in my bedroom…"

"Gawrsh, Your Majesty, why didn'tcha tell us about this?" asked an alarmed Goofy.

"Yeah, we coulda used those too!" said an irate Donald.

"What, do we not matter to you or something?!" asked Minnie angrily. Mickey's troops seemed a little hurt too, and the world leaders Mickey had allied with were less than happy with this.

"Yeah, I think we all coulda benefited from one of those!" Pete bellowed, and Maleficent would have glared at Mickey if she could have turned her head enough, as would almost everyone else who was unable to.

"Well…gosh, fellas, I…" Mickey laughed nervously. "…Sorta forgot about 'em until right now." The chapel echoed with everyone's groaning. Riku shook his head in disappointment, while Xehanort cackled malevolently. "Actually, I _did_ bring a whole lot of them in my pocket, but…wouldn't you know, there's a hole in it, and most of them fell out on my way to the chapel." More groaning. "And the ones that didn't fall out on the way here fell out when Oberon smashed me into the column, but I couldn't pick them up while Oberon could still see me, otherwise he'd have known I had freed myself already from his Immobilize spell and probably killed me. I had to use the distraction the Gargoyles caused to get them, but then _I_ got too distracted by the drama Arthur and Oberon were causing and the action that started right after that to remember to give any of the charms out to the others…which is why I didn't do anything to stop him from turning them to stone, or use the charms to break some of the guests out of their paralysis. Sorry, Arthur, everyone. Um, this doesn't hurt our alliance, does it?"

From the looks on the faces of a number of the paralyzed rulers, as well as the irate Queen Minnie, it most certainly did. Arthur, on the other hand, sighed and decided to just let it go. "I suppose not, although the Gargoyles might not exactly feel the same way…or our other allies. In any event, what's done is done, and we have to move on. But in the future, make sure all of your clothes are completely hole-free! And work on strengthening your memory for certain important minutiae such as these tags, while you're at it! You wouldn't want anything like this to happen again, now would you?"

Mickey shook his head. "Nosirree, I certainly wouldn't!"

"Yes…" Triton growled. "Next time, we might not be so forgiving." The other unhappy rulers offered their own murmurs of assent to this. They were going to follow Arthur's example this time and forgive and forget, since they didn't want to look petty or ignoble compared to such a heroic figure. I mean, you wouldn't want to look less magnanimous than a legendary king who dropped a chandelier on the bad guy, right? Next time, however, Mickey might not be quite so lucky.

As the other Keybearers quickly slipped their charms on, the chandelier screeched horribly and ripped apart as Oberon smashed through it from underneath, soaring into the air so he could look down on them from above. And he was certainly pissed. His immaculate blue skin had turned brown, withered, and blistered from being buried underneath all that iron. His hair had fallen out, and his regal outfit had been shredded. However, all of that quickly mended itself once he was away from the iron, and in seconds he looked just as he had when he had first crashed the party, as if he had never been damaged at all. But he _had_ been hurt, and he and they all knew it, and he certainly was not going to let them get away with it. "Insolent FOOLS!" he bellowed, causing the room to vibrate. "YOU DARE TO HARM OBERON?!" He crackled with power. "THEN YOU SHALL DIE AT OBERON'S HANDS!"

"Great, he's referring to himself in third-person," Sora complained. "That's never a good sign."

_Yeah, whenever Xemnas started acting like that, we all knew to avoid him like the dickens,_ Roxas agreed. _Whatever that means._

"Why is it villains never seem to come up with original insults?" Kairi complained. "I mean, really. 'Insolent fool.' 'Insignificant fool.' 'Worthless fool'. Fool, fool, fool. Can't they think of anything better than that?"

"HEY, WE RESENT THAT!" the paralyzed villains yelled indignantly, as did Xehanort.

"That wasn't very nice, Kairi!" Nosimono complained.

Riku rolled his eyes. "'Wasn't very nice.' How the heck are you my clone again? What did Vexen do wrong when he made you?"

Nosimono sniffed and blinked, eyes getting moist. "That's…that's not very nice, either! Why do you have to be so mean, Big Brother?!" He wiped his face on his arm, while Riku sighed in exasperation and held his forehead in annoyance.

_This is another reason I'm staying with you,_ Xehanort told Riku. _You're not nearly as big a wimp as he is._

Oberon, to the horror of the paralyzed guests and general concern of the heroes, began growing exponentially, swelling to gigantic size until his feet once more touched the ground and his head towered above the dangling chandeliers. Fortunately, he had not gotten so big that his feet landed in the pews still filled with paralyzed guests, but it was pretty close. He was just barely as wide as the aisle now, and the aisle was pretty wide.

"And now he's made himself bigger," Sora critiqued. "Why do bad guys always get around to doing that, too? It just makes them a bigger target and makes it more difficult for them to maneuver."

"IT DOES NOT!" Maleficent, Xehanort, and all the other villains who happened to like turning into much larger forms, yelled indignantly.

_I wonder what cliché comes after this,_ Roxas voiced sarcastically. _A seraphic final form with vaguely religious connotations?_ Somewhere far away, Sephiroth sneezed again, resulting in his guard slipping for a split second, allowing Cloud to slash at his face. Sephiroth pulled his head back in time, causing Cloud to miss, but losing a couple of hairs in the process due to the proximity of the blonde's sword to his head. Needless to say, Sephiroth was extremely pissed at this.

"PERISH!" Oberon roared, gathering his power and unleashing a wave of pure destruction right at the heroes, so powerful that it caused the floor to melt in its wake and would probably disintegrate anything unlucky enough to get in its way.

"What an attack!" said an amazed Buzz Lightyear. "XR, what are the power readings on this guy?"

"Scanners show his energy is at…over 9000?!" the startled Space Ranger robot exclaimed.

"Over nine thousaaaaaaaaaaaand?!" Commander Nebula yelled in disbelief.

XR blinked. "Uh, yeah, that's what I just said…"

"Uh, Your Majesty, those charms will protect us from that, right?" Kairi asked anxiously as the annihilating wave bore down on them.

"Absolutely!" Mickey said. "But…ah…just in case…we should probably shield ourselves. You know, no need to take unnecessary risks, and all that." None of them disagreed.

"Dark Shield!" Riku and Nosimono cried, using their power to form a double-layered barrier of transparent dark purple hexagons before them.

"Reflega!" Sora cast, adding a third, clear wall of hexagons to the barrier.

"Protega!" called Mickey, adding an orange wall of hexagons.

"Wall!" added Kairi, causing a clear, shimmering curtain of light to form at the back of the four layers of hexagons.

"Barrier!" shouted Arthur, thrusting a hand out. Nothing happened. "Oh, right," he said, laughing sheepishly. "I don't know any magic."

The wave of destruction struck the shields with a sound like a ringing gong, echoing throughout the room and causing the heroes to grimace as they were forced to pour more power into the shields to keep them from breaking. However, Oberon's attack proved to be too powerful, and all five layers shattered at once, allowing the wave to wash freely over them…

And do absolutely no damage, other than leaving a faint stinging sensation and a feeling of warmth from the iron tags they were wearing. The wave passed over them harmlessly and smashed into the door at the back of the room, causing it to vaporize in a burst of heat and light. "Wow," said an amazed Riku. "We're still alive!"

_I take back every bad thing I've ever said about you,_ Roxas said. _Well, other than the fact that you were clearly an amnesiac idiot not to give us these earlier. Or hand them out to everyone else, either._

_Bah, we would have been fine,_ Xehanort boasted, a hint of unease and doubt clear in his voice.

"Great idea, Your Majesty!" Kairi complimented the mouse king.

"Aw shucks, thanks!" Mickey said, blushing faintly and earning him a glare from Minnie.

"King Mickey! You rock!" Nosimono cheered. "Uh, don't tell my mom I said that, though."

"I heard it anyway!" Maleficent roared. "And you're grounded, young man! After I get out of this, that is…"

"Awww, come on now, that's a little harsh, isn't it?" Pete argued. "I mean, King Mickey _is_ trying to save our tails, no reason we can't compliment him…"

"The circumstances are no excuse! Even if he's helping us, he is still our enemy!" Maleficent insisted. "And therefore, may not be complimented, no matter how exemplary his idea of using iron charms to guard against Oberon's magic is. Especially since he _neglected_ to give those charms to the rest of us!" There were quite a few rather loud agreements at this, from both Mickey's allies and foes. The mouse king laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck.

Oberon was not pleased that his spell had had no effect on the heroes thanks to their iron protection. Of course, spells weren't all he had in his arsenal. And there were always more subtle, indirect ways to defeat them…

Using telekinesis, Oberon levitated several dozen of the guests into the air, ignoring their wails of terror and motion sickness. He then hurled them at the heroes at rapid speed, certain that there were far too many for them to possibly catch or deflect.

He was wrong. "Magnega!" Sora cast, causing a magnetic energy ball to form in midair and attract several of the wailing, hurtling guests towards it, snagging them out of the air and keeping them from hitting the ground or the heroes. However, it was not enough, until his friends joined in.

"Magnera!" Riku and Nosimono joined in.

"Magnet!" Kairi added.

"Magnega!" Mickey finished.

Combining their power, they were able to boost the magnetic orb's power enough to ensnare just about all of the guests, catching them before they could hit the ground and break their bones and instead caused them to orbit the sphere in a dazed state, bumping into each other frequently. Oberon was, of course, not happy with this…so decided to cheer himself up by hurling a lightning bolt, recalling how easily his similar attack had been diverted before. Only this time, he doubted his attack would miss its target, especially with the magnet spell attracting the bolt right to it and the various helpless people trapped in orbit.

"Oh, SHIT!" the heroes cried, or thought, and Mickey most certainly did not use the 'S' word, but they quickly went about dispelling the Magnet spell, only to find that there was too much power in it, and there was no way it would be done dissipating before the lightning bolt could hit and electrocute the screaming and terrified guests…

Until King Arthur, shouting a battle cry, leaped onto the back of a nearby pew and used it as a spring board to launch himself around the Magnet spell, the spell's magnetic attraction grabbing his metal armor and pulling him in an arc towards itself, placing him right in the path of the lightning bolt, which was just what he wanted. He drew his sword and held it outwards, using it to attract the lightning bolt to him before it could strike the magnetic sphere. This, naturally, turned Arthur into a lightning rod, causing him to cry out in agony as high voltage poured into his body, attracted by his magic sword and metal armor. He fell to the floor, blackened and sizzling, just after the Magnet spell dissolved, dropping the guests unceremoniously on their heads in a big pile, something with which they were very displeased with and told the heroes in no uncertain terms, as loudly as possible. There were some gasps from the un-hurled guests as they saw, or heard, what Arthur had done, and Oberon sneered gleefully.

"Arthur!" Mickey and the others quickly rushed over to the charred and electrified monarch. The king's charred and sizzling armor was still crackling with electricity and seemed to be partially magnetized, if the way their iron tags and other small metal accoutrements were leaning towards him was any indication. "Are you all right?!"

"That's kind of a stupid question," Riku critiqued. Sora rolled his eyes, although Roxas agreed with Riku.

_Kairi, we have to help him,_ Namine said firmly. Her host nodded and raised her Keyblade.

"Curaga!" Kairi cast, as Mickey pulled out a Megalixir and tossed it onto Arthur, the combination going a long way towards healing his wounds and also mending his outfit. His hair was still smoking and standing on end, though. In only moments, he looked much better, like he had just stuck a finger into an electric socket instead of getting hit by lightning.

"Aaaahhh…many thanks, my friends," Arthur said, gasping and wincing slightly as he tried to stand up.

"That was a pretty careless and risky move you just tried back there," King Mickey lectured. "You almost got killed!"

"But it was so cool! I should try that sometime," Nosimono commented, causing the others to stare at him.

_He's right,_ said Roxas. _That _was _cool. Although I don't think I'll do it anytime soon…unless I'm wearing rubber, anyway._

_I don't want you to ever do that,_ Namine scolded him. _Ever. Do you understand me?_

_Yeah, yeah…_ grumbled Roxas.

_Do it! Do it! Do it!_ Xehanort chanted eagerly.

"Can you still fight?" Riku asked the monarch, who shook his head wearily.

Arthur's legs quivered and he sank back onto his heels, panting and sweating, red in the face. He sat back, leaning against an unhappy paralyzed guest lying behind him, and wiped his forehead. "I'm afraid not…your magic's helped me recover quite a bit, but I don't think I'm ready to rejoin you just yet…give me a moment to catch my breath, though, and not even death can keep me from fighting at your sides. Well," Arthur admitted. "All right, maybe death."

"Then just wait here," Sora said. "We'll take care of Oberon! Unless, of course, you want us to save a piece of him for you…"

Arthur smirked at that. "Don't take your time; I'll be with you before you know it! I'm a lot tougher than I look…I didn't get to be the king of England twice by just sitting around on my duff all day, after all!" Mickey nodded, understanding wholeheartedly. Arthur waited until they were all on their way towards Oberon, then winced and clutched his ribs. "Hmm…hope they don't finish him off _too_ quickly…" he muttered through gritted teeth. "This may take a little longer than I expected to just walk off…"

"So, still you challenge me?" Oberon boomed as the five Keybearers approached. "Very well! Let's see your paltry magnet stop THESE so easily!" Oberon telekinetically tore up huge chunks of masonry and metal scrap out of the floor, walls, and ceiling, causing the chapel to tremble and the ceiling to creak ominously. He even ripped out parts of the immense support columns, further weakening the architecture, as well as causing Maleficent to wail in dismay at what was being done to her precious castle. Oberon then hurled the rather large pieces of stone at the group, tossing a few energy balls into the mix for good measure.

As usual, he underestimated the power of the Keyblade. With only a single slice from their weapons, Sora, Riku, Nosimono, and King Mickey were able to split any one of the giant rocks and chunks of metal rocketing towards them in half, even deflecting a few bits of rubble and energy balls back at Oberon to cause damage. It took Kairi two slices, but only because she wasn't on her friends' level yet. She was getting there. Sora, getting a daring idea that would also help him show off a little, leaped towards one of the rocks hurtling towards him, kicked off it (knocking it away in the process) to bound higher into the air, and proceeded to leap from stone to stone while simultaneously dodging the energy balls hurtling past, his impact causing many of the stones to collide with each other and shatter to pieces, gaining altitude until he cleared the last bit of debris and soared into the air, nearly hitting the ceiling. He shot down at Oberon as gravity got a hold on him, pointing his Keyblade downward to pierce the elf's skull…

And hit it with a tremendous clash which rang all the way up Sora's body, rattling his bones and causing his teeth to chatter together, for at the last instant Oberon had transformed his skin into metal too hard for even the Keyblade to break through easily. "N-n-n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o f-f-f-f-f-f-f-a-a-a-a-i-i-i-i-r-r-r-r-r-r-r…" Sora stammered as he fell off Oberon's head, plummeting in a daze towards the ground.

_Wh-wh-wh-wh-a-a-a-a-a-t-t-t-t a-a-a-a-a-a d-d-d-d-du-u-u-u-m-m-m-b-a-a-a-a-a-a-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s,_ Roxas agreed.

"SORA!" Sora's friends, including Kairi and Riku and the King and most of the people on the hero's side of the room cried. Riku quickly took a running start and jumped, smashing through the last few bits of airborne masonry, twisting around the latest volley of energy blasts, and grabbing his friend out of the air before he could hit the ground, bringing him down to a safe landing. "Hold on, I've got you!"

_Oh, why couldn't you let him drop?!_ Xehanort complained. _Would that have been too much to ask, really?!_

"You see the futility of this exercise?" the giant Oberon boasted, advancing as Kairi, Mickey, and Nosimono futilely pelted him with Pearl and Dark Aura shots, covering Riku as he carried Sora back to them. "I am completely invincible! Not even your Keyblades, or iron, can penetrate my skin!"

"That may be so," Mickey agreed. "However, you seem to have forgotten one thing, Oberon!"

"And what's that?" the arrogant monarch sneered.

"That metal attracts electricity!" Mickey raised his Keyblade into the air. "Thundaga!"

A lightning bolt shot down from the ceiling and struck Oberon, causing him to scream in agony as his metallic skin conducted the high-voltage blast throughout his body, flashing like a hundred-watt strobe lamp. Bolts of static danced off his skin and around the room, zapping a few people, causing several smaller metal objects to become attracted to his body, and messing up just about everyone's hair. Arthur, still recovering, grinned victoriously. "Ha! See how _you_ like it, tyrant!"

Gasping for breath, Oberon collapsed to one knee, using both hands to brace himself against the floor as he tried to recover, putting his head in range in the process.

"Hey Riku!" Kairi commented after using a Curaga on Sora. "His skin looks impenetrable…but somehow I don't think his eyes are!"

Riku burst into a grin. "Kairi, I like the way you think!" Drawing their Keyblades, both of them charged at Oberon, dodging stray electric bolts as they radiated from his temporarily magnetized form. They both leaped as high as they could, their leg muscles boosted as always by the Keyblade's magic, using Oberon's knee as a springboard to launch themselves up at his face…and drive both their Keyblades into his eyes, Kairi on the left and Riku on the right. They both fell back to the ground as Oberon reared back his head and screamed in agony, clasping his eyes as the Keyblades vanished from where they had penetrated and returned to their masters' hands. Oberon lurched to his feet and stumbled backwards in pain, shaking the ground and causing the roof to creak even more ominously than before, mouth still wide and howling in pain and rage.

"I got this!" Nosimono said, his dark aura swirling and drawing shadows from all over the room. "Let's see how you like a little DARKNESS!" His form nearly vanishing beneath a twisting veil of night, Nosimono leaped into the air, using the power of darkness to fly at Oberon like a dark comet, leaving a trail of purple and black in his wake. The Riku clone shot into Oberon's open mouth, pouring darkness down the interloper's throat…and exploded out through the back of Oberon's head, tearing open a tremendous hole in his skull and sending bits of blood, bone, and metal flying everywhere and spilling all over the aisle and on several very unlucky guests. Oberon's hands fell from his eyes, already healed, and he blinked in shock, pain, and disbelief at what had just happened. Then his eyes rolled back into his skull and he toppled over, his tremendous metal form falling backwards onto the ground with a great crash, shaking the chapel and coming very close to smashing the petrified Gargoyles only a few inches away.

"Wow," said a stunned Kairi.

_Incredible,_ said an amazed Namine. Arthur whistled, impressed and wishing Goliath and the others could see this.

_I told you, Riku! I told you darkness conquered all! But you wouldn't listen! _Xehanort crowed triumphantly.

"Shut up," Riku growled, somewhat envious that he hadn't done a move like that himself. Not that he was going to satisfy Xehanort by giving into darkness, no way; it was just that he thought, grudgingly, it had looked pretty cool.

"Can we do something like that?" Sora wondered.

_Sure, in Final Form probably,_ Roxas said. _And we'd be using light instead, but I think it would still look pretty cool. And be very effective._

"Definitely," Sora agreed.

Mickey shook his head with a sigh. "Now, if he would only use that power for good rather than evil…"

Nosimono, still pulsating with darkness, landed neatly at the foot of the dais at the back of the chapel, his aura dissipating as he turned around and posed, Keyblade stylishly slung over one shoulder. The villains and his mother would have applauded if they could have moved their hands. "That's what you get for ruining my mom and dad's wedding, you big meanie!" All stared at him awkwardly, that utterly childish line completely ruining the badass action he had just pulled off. "What?"

"That was very well done, dear," Maleficent said quickly. "Wasn't it, everyone?" The snarl at the end of her sentence implied they had better say yes, so the room was quickly filled with agreements and compliments which made Nosimono smile with pride and Riku roll his eyes.

"Mommy, can I date him?" Pistol asked her mother.

"Ew, no!" said a disgusted Peg. "He's your brother-in-law! And too old for you!"

"But he's soooo hot…" Pistol pointed out, causing Nosimono to flush.

"So, champ, how's about you and the others break this darn spell now?" Pete asked pleadingly. "So we can clean up this mess and finish the darn wedding already?"

"And get something to eat!" Shaga called out. "I'm starving here! I may be tempted to eat someone if nothing else is provided for me shortly…" All the villains nearby quickly piped up, rather frightfully, that they wouldn't mind something to eat too, since they were not only hungry as well but most certainly did not want to get eaten by Shaga.

"Yeah, they're right," agreed Mickey, raising his Keyblade. "It's about time we fixed this, fellas!"

"Sounds good to me," said Kairi.

_I'm hungry too,_ said Namine.

"Don't suppose we could just leave the bad guys paralyzed for a little while longer?" Riku half-joked. "So we can go steal all their stuff, ruin their plans, throw them in jail, keep all the food at the wedding reception to ourselves, etc…" The villains all gave Riku death glares and looks that told him in no uncertain terms that he had better not. Not that they could actually do anything to back up their threats, on the other hand…

_That's actually not such a bad idea,_ said an impressed Roxas.

"It wouldn't be very nice, though," Sora said with a grimace. "And besides, we're still under a truce…sort of…even if it's not magically reinforced. Just because they'd probably leave us like this if our situation were reversed doesn't mean we should."

"That's right," Kairi agreed.

_Namby-pamby,_ Roxas grumbled.

Jack Sparrow sighed and glanced at his Keyblade thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose my little spree had to end sooner or later." He hefted the very large sack of loot slung over his shoulder. "I suppose I should stay and help out. But then again, I'd be obligated, by force of arms, to give back my booty. And we can't have that, now can we?"

"Could you at least give me back my armor before you go?" Magnamon asked the pirate hopefully.

"No," said Jack plainly. Magnamon groaned in disappointment.

The Keybearers prepared to use their power to break the Immobilize spell…when the room began to shake ominously. Cracks began to form in the prone giant metal form that was Oberon. A collective groan went throughout the room as they realized that it _still_ wasn't over yet.

"Oh, come on!" Kairi protested. "This is getting ridiculous! Nosimono smashed out the back of his skull!"

"Yeah, I did," agreed Nosimono, running back over to them. "I thought that usually killed most people!"

"Well, not this guy," Mickey said mournfully.

Arthur, still sitting further down the aisle, nodded in agreement. "Well, you don't get to be as old as Oberon by being easy to kill, that's for certain."

Xehanort cackled malevolently. _Imbeciles! What did you expect? Don't you know by now that final bosses in this genre only have two forms as a _minimum?!

The metal giant's chest shattered, pieces of scrap flying everywhere as Oberon, back to his regular size, erupted from the empty husk, which crumbled to dust in the wake from his furious emergence. His eyes were glowing blood-red, his entire body crackling with barely-contained rage and eldritch energies which distorted the air around him. "You," he rasped hatefully. "You mortal insects have harmed me for the last time! I have had _ENOUGH…_enough of your insolence, enough of your misuse of magic, enough of your words and your cursed Keyblades! THIS ENDS NOW!" He spread his arms. "SILENCEJA!"

A wave of power rippled throughout the room, and suddenly all noise…stopped. Just like that. The guests blinked in confusion. The heroes' mouths moved in silence. Maleficent's jaws were wide open in a full-throated roar, but no sound escaped her mouth. All of them, every last one of them, had been muted. Not even the iron charms had saved Arthur or the Keybearers from this silence, for some reason. While Jack Skellington was shocked by the abrupt loss of his voice, just like everyone else he couldn't help admitting that Oberon was very good at dramatic moments and presentation, and could probably make a good scarer in his own right. The only one who still had his voice was, naturally, Oberon himself. The fairy lord grinned sinisterly, an extremely deranged gleam in his eyes. "There," he said in relief. "Blessed silence. Finally, all of your worthless, babbling voices are gone. And without your voices, you can cast no more spells…or even communicate with each other. Is it not wonderful?"

However, Oberon clearly was unaware of the psychic link the Keybearers from Destiny Island shared. _I'm really getting sick of this guy,_ said an irritated Riku.

_If you let me switch places with you, I'll finish him in a jiffy!_ Xehanort promised.

_For the last time, no!_ Riku yelled at his unwelcome guest.

_Sora, we can still beat him, can't we?_ Kairi asked.

_I think we can. We've managed to hurt him quite a few times. I think that if the three of us can use that new Limit Break we've been working on…or even better, if we were able to go into Final form…we might be able to finish him off_, said Sora.

_Unfortunately, we're not at our Limit yet, and we left our magic clothes back at the room so we can't Drive either, _Roxas said. _Shouldn't be much longer before we can use a Limit, though._

_Good,_ said Riku. _So, once our Limit is at its max, we'll blast him with our Trinity combo move then finish him off while he's stunned. That should do it, don't you think? As long as Sora gives us some extra-strong Keychains to do some real damage, that is._

Riku pointedly looked at his friend, who rolled his eyes. _Fine, fine, I get the hint. Geez… _Sora started rummaging through his pockets.

_I'm glad the magic clothes aren't here, I hate Driving,_ complained Xehanort. _It's bad enough I have to share head space with Riku, but to get crammed together with four other goody-goodies? It's sickening._

_Well, it's not exactly pleasant being stuck with you, either,_ Namine said gently. _You really need to work on your attitude._

_Bah!_

_Uh, who are all these voices in my head? _Asked a familiar and at the same time unfamiliar seventh voice, intruding on their telepathic conversation. _Am I insane? Uncle Zexion warned me I might have some kind of problem due to something Vexen did…_

The trio glanced at Nosimono in surprise. _You can hear us?! _ Their six voices cried in disbelief.

_Huh? Oh, is that you guys?!_ Thought a startled Nosimono. _Wow, cool, I can communicate telepathically with you, just like Uncle Zexion can! That's so neat!_

_But how are you doing it?!_ Riku cried in disbelief. _This is a private link, only formed due to the closeness of our hearts! How'd you butt in?!_

Nosimono shrugged. _Well, my heart's a clone of yours, or my brain is, or something, so…maybe that was enough to include me?_

Riku palmed his face. _Damn it, Vexen! I swear, I'm going to resurrect you, then kill you again for this!_

_I'll help,_ Xehanort said eagerly.

_Me too. Never really was fond of Vexen,_ Roxas commented.

_Who's Vexen, again? _Said a confused Sora.

They all sighed in exasperation, except for Nosimono. _Namine!!!_

_Look, I'm not your personal memory whore, okay?! _Namine shrieked. _I have feelings and wishes too! God! I'm not just your _tool_ to wipe away bad memories, you know, or bring back other ones!_

_Namine, we're not- _Kairi protested.

_You are too! You're always asking me to erase this memory or that memory and nagging me about how I need to fix Sora's memory and not caring about my own feelings on the matter! _Namine screamed._ I just want to be my own person and not somebody's psychic eraser! Is that so wrong?!_

_Namine…I didn't know you felt that way,_ said a surprised Roxas, actually sounding concerned for once. _Gosh, I…I'm sorry…_

_You should have told us you felt that way,_ said an apologetic Riku. _If you had, we'd never have kept bothering you about it._

_Imbeciles! I can't believe you never noticed her feelings on this matter!_ Xehanort scoffed arrogantly, conveniently forgetting that he had also pestered Namine more than once to try and restore his memories from before he had arrived in Radiant Garden, since those were still an utter blank.

_If it's that big a deal, I'll just leave the memories about Castle Oblivion alone,_ Sora said quickly. _I don't need them _that_ badly, do I?_

Kairi bit her lip. _Namine, I'm sorry we made you feel that way. We had no idea. It'll never happen again, all right? Just do whatever you want with memories, it's your power, we have no right to try to direct the way you use them._

_You certainly don't,_ Namine huffed, sounding a bit sulky but less miserable already, plainly accepting her friends' apology.

_Uh, guys? _Said a confused Nosimono. _Um, I have no idea what you're talking about, but shouldn't we be fighting Oberon?_

They blinked, then turned to look at Oberon, who was currently ramming King Mickey's head repeatedly into the ground, cracking the floor and causing blood to splatter everywhere. _Oh…yeah…_ Riku said, laughing nervously. _Forgot about that…_

_Can't we wait until the mouse is dead?_ Xehanort begged. _I'd really like that…_

_My mom would too, actually…_ Nosimono commented.

_No, we are _NOT _abandoning King Mickey!_ Sora said angrily. _Come on, everyone, let's get him!_ _We're finishing this _nowThe four Keybearers charged at Oberon, intending to save the King. They might have been muted, but they could still fight.

"I have had enough," Oberon was saying conversationally to Mickey as he slammed his face into the ground over and over again. "For eons beyond your imagining, magic was ours to control. The universe was ours. And then mortals started popping up everywhere. We ignored them, thinking they were just some fad or aberration of life that would fade out immediately, but oh, were we wrong. We had no idea anything could breed as fast as you insects. If we had acted faster to wipe you out back then instead of just toying around with you and slaughtering and hunting the occasional group of mortals for fun, if we had exterminated you like the vermin you are, we might not have lost our dominion, our own thralls would not have rebelled, and you parasites would not have contaminated the pristine worlds as much as you have. But that's all going to change," Oberon promised Mickey. "And in a way, I have you to thank for it, rodent. Your refusal was the straw that broke the camel's back. I have tolerated you mortals' trespasses, your irreverence, your blatant disregard and disrespect towards those who are their clear betters in every possible way, even allowed you to steal the magic that was rightfully ours and convince a ridiculous amount of bleeding-heart immortals and magical creatures to support and protect you…but no more. Starting today, starting right here, I'm taking it back. All the magic, all the worlds, everything you mortal worms have taken from we Fae. I'm taking _all_ of it back." He paused, noticing the Keybearers rushing at him, and dropped the unconscious and bleeding Mickey to the ground, much to the horror the Disney delegation. "I'll finish you later; I have more vermin to deal with first."

He strode over to the group as they came at him. Sora was in the lead, leaping into the air to bring his Keyblade down on Oberon's head. Without breaking stride, the elf snatched Sora by the neck, spun about, and hurled him with superhuman strength down the length of the room. If Sora's voice hadn't been muted, he would have screamed as he collided with the stained glass window above the altar, causing it to shatter with a tremendous crash and the cacophony of breaking glass, briefly destroying the immense silence filling the chapel. Sora's many friends gaped in horror, the Keybearers stopping dead in their tracks in disbelief as they watched the chosen hero and savior of the worlds vanish through the gaping hole in the window's place and plummet down towards the city far below. The villains felt a deep sense of shock and disappointment, some of the more moral ones wishing the promising young man's life had not been cut short so suddenly, others (like Maleficent, or annoyingly enough, Leon) wishing that they could have been the ones to defeat Sora themselves. "One down," Oberon said smugly. "Well, two, counting the rat."

Predictably, Sora's enraged friends (and Nosimono) charged blindly at Oberon, spurred with rage by their loss (Well, except for Nosimono, anyway). The elf dispatched them easily. First, he pulled off his cape and flung it at Riku, enveloping him within its folds and causing him to vanish, settling to the floor as a flat sheet with no protruding lumps to indicate that there had ever been a bishounen there. Nosimono and Kairi froze in their tracks, stunned at the sudden loss of their friend and 'Big Brother'. Calling the cape back to his hand, Oberon then shook it out, causing an unconscious Riku to shoot out of it like a missile and slam into Nosimono, reappearing from the other dimension he had been temporarily banished to, his lips and extremities blue due to the airlessness of the void he had been trapped in for what had seemed like far longer than a few seconds.

_Riku!_ Kairi gasped.

_Big Brother…_ Nosimono whispered as he delicately pushed Riku off of him. His eyes locked on Oberon, burning with rage. _You…I'll KILL YOU!_ He charged towards the arrogantly smirking lord, dark aura flaring up chaotically around him.

_Nosimono, wait-_ Kairi called out desperately, seeing from the look on Oberon's face that this was exactly what he wanted.

But it was too late. Oberon easily sidestepped Nosimono's wild and unfocused attack, spinning about in a roundhouse kick which knocked the clone off his feet. He then delivered an uppercut to Nosimono's chest as he toppled over, flinging him back up into the air and dispelling his dark aura. Oberon teleported above the clone and smashed down on him feet-first, driving him back into the ground, making a small crater in the floor on impact, and also breaking Nosimono's back at an unsightly angle. The clone's mouth shot open to scream, but no noise left his lips due to the spell of Silence cast over the room. The trembling Kairi and Namine, dumbstruck and paralyzed by Oberon's predatorial grace and cruel brutality, were the only ones who could hear Riku's 'little brother's' screams in their heads. That screaming got a lot louder as Oberon, still standing on Nosimono's broken back, reached down, grabbed the clone's right arm by the wrist, and with a horrific and gut-wrenching crack _ripped the whole thing_ off at the shoulder. Darkness poured out from the wound and severed limb rather than blood, the dark Keyblade vanishing from the dismembered arm's tightly clenched fist in a burst of shadow. Maleficent screamed at the top of her lungs in horror and rage, struggling with all her might to break free and kill Oberon…but to no avail. She was as silent and helpless as everyone else. The one responsible for her adopted son's mutilation didn't even notice her fury, and if he did, he certainly didn't care. Oberon glanced at the arm he was holding with mild interest, then causally tossed it away and levitated out of the crater and off of Nosimono as the clone passed out, still oozing darkness. "And so, my dear," he said as he landed before Kairi. "It seems that you are all that are left. What shall you do now, I wonder?"

Kairi didn't really know what to do herself. She could do nothing but stare at Oberon in horror, scared shitless by how easily Oberon had just defeated four of the strongest people she knew, two of them her best friends in all the worlds. (Other than Yuffie, who kept stealing stuff from her.) Trembling and speechless (because she was still mute, like everyone else), she found herself unable to take another step forward or back out of pure terror, for if Sora, Riku, or Mickey could not defeat this fiend, then certainly she, no matter how much bravado and feminist charm she could muster, wouldn't stand a chance. _Namine…what…what do I do?!_

_I…I have no idea…_ Namine whispered in equal fright.

Unable to stay on her feet due to her trembling, Kairi quickly found herself on her knees, Keyblade vanishing from her grasp, something which pleased Oberon greatly. "I am glad to see someone offers the proper respect," he said. His eyes narrowed. "However, there is no escape for anyone. Anyone at all." With that, he wound back his arm and hit Kairi with a devastating backhand that sent her flying, head twisted nearly to the point of breaking her neck, her jaw shattered, blood and teeth flying. Oberon teleported into her path before she could hit the ground and drove his knee upward into her gut, shattering her ribs, rupturing a kidney, and sending her arcing into the air again. Oberon teleported again and struck her with an uppercut at the height of her arc, sending her flying up into the ceiling. The chapel shook at the impact, more rubble and bits of scrap crumbling and falling to the ground thanks to the damage, once more narrowly missing the paralyzed (literally and figuratively) audience. Oberon made no motion, simply watched with arms folded as Kairi's limp body, her dress in tatters and soaked in blood, tumbled all the way down to the ground, hitting the red carpet with a sickening thud which unnerved even the most jaded of the villains present. The captive audience stared in horror at what Oberon had just done as the immortal in question levitated back down to the ground, glancing at the unmoving bodies of the four Keybearers with faint pride and a sense of accomplishment.

However, he was not done yet. There was still King Arthur to deal with. The valiant warrior-king, burning with righteous fury, managed to finally muster the strength to get back on his feet and charge Oberon, intending to uphold the codes of honor and chivalry. Oberon easily and gracefully evaded the weakened Arthur's wild and feeble thrusts, parrying Excalibur with an arm or an energy sword for a few minutes, before tiring of the game and grabbing Arthur in the face, the only part of him not protected by iron. Ignoring Arthur's struggles and futile sword blows, Oberon hurled the king straight down the aisle and out through the open door at the back of the room, where he smashed into the wall of the corridor behind it. Arthur slid to the ground, aching all over but thankfully uninjured in any major way other than a few cracked bones thanks to his sturdy (despite being electrocuted earlier) armor. Unfortunately, he would not get the chance to fight Oberon again, for the ruler of the elves telekinetically lifted all the debris that had been formed by the intense battle and hurled it into the gap formed by the disintegrated door, using his magic to fuse it together into a single unbreakable slab of adamantium.

Arthur, shaken but not defeated, managed to regain his bearings and run towards the slab, pounding on it and hacking at it with Excalibur, but to no avail. There was no way he could get through. He was trapped outside…

And the terrified, mute, helpless guests and everyone else involved were all trapped inside. Oberon smiled thinly, whirling around to take in all the fearful stares he was receiving. "I have done very well so far, have I not? Ah, but do not think I am through with you yet, my friends. Oh no. We're just getting started." He gestured with one hand, and a very large green dagger-shaped crystal floated through the window Sora had smashed through, pulsating ominously. The window shimmered and repaired itself in the crystal's wake, sealing off any possible exit by that way. Mozenrath's eyes widened in horror, as did Aladdin and Genie's, and the eyes of just about every other serious magic-user in the room as well as they saw and recognized the crystal. "Do any of you mortals, or lesser immortals, know what this artifact is? I see some of you do indeed, and fear its power, as well you should. For those who do not know, allow me to clarify the matter for your feeble minds. _This,_" he said, indicating the crystal, "Is a Crystal of Ix! A magical device that can, when activated by a simple phrase, absorb and encase all magical creatures within the area inside itself, save for the one who activated it in the first place. And, naturally, I am going to use it to capture all beings in this room that possess magical power. Why, you wonder?"

Oberon crossed his arms and levitated into the air, landing back on the dais before the crystal. Maleficent shot him a look of pure hatred, for humiliating her and for so violently harming Nosimono (something she herself was surprised to feel so angry about), and fear as well, for she knew what Oberon was about to do and there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop it. "Quite simple, really. Before you mortals infested the universe, magic belonged to us of the Third Race. Magic was ours to command and control as we wished. With it in our hands, we could bend the fabric of time and space at will; force the cosmos themselves to grant our every desire. And then you insects came into being, and soon after those who served us rebelled and broke away, taking a great deal of our power with them, and from that day hence magic was no longer solely ours. We lost the power that was once our rightful dominion. That all changes today."

He sneered at them. "I'm taking back the power that was stolen from us and wasted on you filth, and putting it back in the hands of its rightful owners, starting with everyone in this room. I will ensnare you with the Crystal of Ix, and absorb it and the power you possess. I will then go to every world which has greedily claimed magic from itself and absorb it from them as well, until there is no magic left in the universe that does not belong to us. And then, once all the power is finally ours once again…" He curled his hand into a fist. "We shall wipe out your pathetic infestation forever. All you wretched mortals, and the foolish lesser immortals and magical beings who choose to side with them, will be exterminated as well. _Especially_ the thrice-damned fairies who presumed to rise higher than their rightful place in the world, and will be brought to heel just like everyone else who thought themselves equal to or even better than we Fae." This, understandably, was not received well by Oberon's captives, and if they weren't already panicking they certainly were now. But there really was nothing they could do, and their captor knew it full well.

Oberon turned to face the dread Crystal of Ix, cape swishing behind him. He frowned, contemplating the great gem for a moment. "I am amazed I never thought to do this before, or that nobody else has…the crystal is truly a magnificent construct, is it not? Its only real flaw is that it has no power over demons or demon magic, hence why I had to banish Satan and his ilk before bringing the crystal in. However, not even the hordes of Hell will be able to stand against me once all the other magic is ours again…" Oberon's handsome blue features split into a cruel grin. He spread his arms dramatically. "It all begins with a single word…and that word is…_IXTALA!"_

At once, the crystal flared to life, its green light filling every corner of the room. The chapel shook as air rushed towards the jewel, sucked into its depths like light into a black hole, unable to escape its grasp. All in the room with magical powers found themselves similarly unable to escape. Even had Oberon not immobilized them with his spell, they would have been unable to break free from the magical vacuum formed by the power of Ix, all their great mystical might no match for that of the crystal's. Those closest to the dagger-shaped rock on the dais, save for Oberon and those who possessed no magic, were the first to be sucked in. Mozenrath, Hades, Mirage and Rita, the witch bridesmaids, and Alice all vanished into the crystal, followed by Maleficent, whose immense draconic bulk was no obstacle to the Crystal of Ix's suction. Pete's eyes widened in horror as his bride-to-be vanished, and Peg rejoiced internally, until she saw who else was being sucked in after the dragon. Sally was left alone since she was animated more by bizarre science than magic, and Aerith remained where she was standing as well, for some strange reason. Zexion, still unconscious, was next, followed by the guests, row by row. All the Princesses of Heart went in, along with Queen Minnie and Daisy, Donald, King Triton and Queen Kikida, Shaga, Queen Garnet, Jack Skellington and Oogie Boogie, a very surprised Vayne and Venat (Vayne remembered far too late that he had nethicite infusions, which he supposed counted as magic worth absorbing), Genie, every witch and magician on either side of the room (leaving the evil half much smaller than before), the Fairy Queen and her retinue (Oberon was most certainly not going to let the fairies get away this time) and pretty much every other magical creature or being in the room, minus the Moogles (due to their contract) and a couple of others spared due to being trapped underneath other people, stuck in armor, or paralyzed underneath pews.

People or creatures weren't the only ones to be taken; every mystical item, weapon, or artifact in the room was absorbed into the Crystal as well, depowering quite a few people who were largely ordinary but relied on certain magical objects for their strength. Not even the four defeated Keybearers were spared. Though their Keyblades glowed and buzzed fiercely in their hands, their masters were completely knocked out, and could do nothing to resist as they were lifted off the ground and sucked into the Crystal of Ix like everyone else. Jack Sparrow, on the other hand, managed to escape by cramming himself into a large chest he had pulled from his sack of loot, filling his pockets, boots, and clothes with gold to weigh himself down and covering the chest itself with the rest of his treasure in an attempt to shield himself from the crystal's pull. So far, his strategy seemed to be working pretty well, although it was a pretty tight fit in the aforementioned chest.

When the suction finally ended, there were far fewer people in the room than there had been before, and the Crystal had swollen to three times its original proportions, every inch of space within its hollow interior packed with miserable and totally helpless magical beings and objects crammed together tighter than sardines. It was a marvel that they all fit in there, especially Maleficent. It certainly didn't look in the least bit comfortable.

The Gargoyles had been left where they were, as stone statues, since they weren't actually magical, and several of the monsters (such as Waternoose, his bodyguards the ogres, or the Mayor of Halloweentown) were spared for the same reason. The Digimon were fine since they were living computer programs and so had no magic. The Moogles were magical, but due to the nature of the binding contract they had with Oberon they were spared the fate of the others. Nevertheless, Oberon had captured quite a great deal of magical might, and the knowledge that he was going to absorb it and do the same for all other magic he could get his hands on was not a pleasant thought.

Oberon glanced around the much-less populated room, looking very pleased with himself. "Ahhh, that's much better. The stink of mortality is much more tolerable now. Hmm…" He frowned. "I've achieved my victory, but something seems to be…missing. Now what could it...Ah! I know. I shall test out my new power by demolishing this pathetically dark city and everything in it! And, to borrow a trick from my erstwhile 'child' Puck, I shall utilize irony in the process by taking the weakest and most pathetic among you and transforming them into giant monsters to aid me in the destruction of first this world, and then all of your homeworlds!" He gestured, summoning said weak and pathetic creatures to him. Mushu, who had managed to avoid getting sucked into the crystal thanks to being sucked inside Mulan's armor, now found himself being dragged out of that same armor by Oberon's magic, much to his and Mulan's dismay. He soon found himself orbiting the elven monarch's head, along with Xerxes the talking eel (who had managed to avoid the crystal by getting stuck underneath the foot of Oogie Boogie's giant slot machine robot), Abu the monkey, Sebastian the crab, Jiminy Cricket, and Prince John. Oberon looked a bit confused on that last one, since John was much bigger than the others, but decided to just go with it since the lion in question was frozen by the Immobilizeja spell in the position of sucking his thumb, reeking of his own offal, and was thereby clearly a weak and pathetic being worthy of his wicked designs. (Prince John's advisor Sir Hiss sighed in relief, glad that his hypnotic powers clearly made him more than 'weak and pathetic'. Wuya's pitiful 'familiar' Jack Spicer was also spared only because he had a helicopter backpack and was therefore marginally more powerful than Prince John, since lions can't fly. Wuya, of course, was not spared, and so was stuck in the Crystal with everyone else.) "Yes…these will do nicely…I think…" Oberon gestured, and the hapless weaklings vanished. "Now…as for the rest of you…you have nothing more to fear from me. Yes, that's right," he said to their surprised looks. "I'm not going to kill you. It would be such a waste of time and energy, especially when I have a campaign of magical reclamation and mortal extermination to undertake. However, I will not suffer to let a single one of you live, since you are, after all, mortals and therefore must die as well. Therefore, while _I_ won't kill you…" He grinned maliciously. "My minions most certainly will. Come, Unseelies! Heed your master's call!"

Had anyone still had control over their vocal cords, they might have screamed as Oberon's minions appeared all over the room, manifesting in frightening bursts of light, shimmering into view, or simply fading into existence as if they had stepped right into the chapel from another dimension. The Unseelie were humanoid but seemed to prefer skittering about on all fours or standing hunched over with their upper bodies bent almost double over their waists. Their skins were white and shimmered like mother-of-pearl. What little hair they had was pale, almost translucent. Their eyes were very large and dark as night, though not as dark as the Heartless. They moved about eerily, shambling and hopping about while swaying and swinging their dangling clawed arms through the air. Their shrieks were unearthly and sent chills up the spines of the paralyzed prisoners. Oberon chuckled, looking almost amused by his captive audience's fear. "Do my pets frighten you, my friends? You needn't worry…much. I'm sure your deaths will be swift. Or perhaps not, it depends on their mood; they may feel more like dismembering you limb from limb, or slowly and agonizingly torturing you to death. I really don't care either way, so long as you die." Oberon chuckled, as if he had just told a very funny joke. Nobody found it particularly amusing. "However, I will give you a sporting chance. When I depart, my immobilizing spell will wear off, and you will be free to fight for your lives, and possibly even succeed in repelling my minions…even if they are able to replenish their numbers, which you certainly cannot. You will be unable to escape from this chamber or call for reinforcements, for the room will be sealed with magic once I leave. And, since I _really_ do not want you to survive under any circumstances, even if I'm giving you the chance to fight just to amuse me..."

Oberon spread out his hands, and a giant hourglass appeared between them. It was a rather ghastly thing, its frame made of bones and skulls with black sand filling its glass chambers. The word DOOM was engraved in blood-red letters on the rim of the hourglass. Oberon flipped over the hourglass and set it on the dais, causing the black sand to begin trickling from the top chamber to the bottom chamber through the narrow gap connecting them. The chapel shuddered as a very ominous-sounding death knell reverberated through the room, and in the bones of everyone present. "This hourglass measures out how much time you have left in your short and insignificant lives," Oberon said cheerfully. "When the sand runs out, you die. All of you. Attempting to destroy the hourglass will not save you, for it is indestructible, and flipping it upside down to extend your time won't work either, since the sand will continue flowing in the same direction no matter which way the glass is angled." He smiled at them. "And with that, I must be off to destroy this city. Have a nice death, everyone." He teleported away. The Immobilizega spell wore off. And the eager Unseelie attacked at last.

A very happy and extremely blood-spattered Captain Hook, carrying a despondent-looking fairy in a lantern cage in one hand and Peter Pan's head on a stick in the other, blinked as he walked out from behind the column where he had been torturing and killing his nemesis to find the absolute war breaking out between the guests and the Unseelie invaders. "Uh…did I miss something?"

…

The ground shook. Birds rose in great squawking flights, migrating from the warm tropical climate earlier than usual in the year. Wild animals and monsters fled through the jungle away from the coming threat. Trees groaned, cracked, and toppled over as an unstoppable monster of immense proportions smashed through them, following the scent of its prey with singular focus, not caring what got in its way, as long as it found and completely destroyed that which had stolen the treasures put in its care.

And should it fail to find the thieves and the treasure they took…then the world would burn as the cheated monster unleashed its full wrath, and none would be able to stop it.

Yiazmat was coming. And if the heroes hadn't already been aware of that, Selphie running around in circles screaming at the top of her lungs that the dragon was on its way would have informed them. "YIAZMAT IS COMING! THE END IS NEAR! YIAZMAT IS COMING! THE END IS NEAR!" she shrieked. Auron, Tidus, Wakka, and the fairies, all prepping themselves for one last stand against the invincible god-dragon, were seriously considering either knocking her out or feeding her to the monster. (The latter was Paine's idea, which everyone disagreed with in principle, but secretly thought might not be such a bad thing.) Selphie abruptly stopped her screaming and running, however, when she saw something in the sky. "Oooh, look! Shooting stars!" she squealed, pointing up at the several fiery streaks careening across the sky in all directions. "I'm gonna make a wish!"

"If you do, then wish Yiazmat will go away," Chappu said nervously. "Then he won't kill us all, ya!"

"Strange…" murmured Auron. "Those objects are moving in too many different directions for your average meteor shower…and they're not usually visible by day, either. Hmm…"

"A shooting star…you know, that's sort of what started this adventure in the first place," Tidus commented to Yuna. "Your ship fell out of the sky like a falling star, just as I was wishing we could have an adventure like Sora, Riku, and Kairi. And that's exactly what I got. Not quite what I expected…guess you really should be careful what you wish for, huh?"

Yuna gave him a sad smile. "If you could make a wish again, any wish, would you wish that none of we fairies had ever come to your world, and gotten you all into this mess?"

Tidus frowned in thought for a moment, and then shook his head. "No," he said honestly. "Despite everything, despite all the danger and horrible things we faced in that tomb, despite our impending doom any minute now…I can honestly say I wouldn't wish none of that had ever happened even if I could, because…" He turned his head, smiling at the fairy floating beside him. "Yuna…you coming here made everything worth it."

Yuna gasped, flushing. "I…Tidus…That's…" She blinked back tears. "That's…the sweetest thing I've ever heard…"

"Awwww! So cute! I knew they liked each other!" Rikku chirped. "Yuna and Tidus, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-OW!" she yelped as Paine hit her. "Meanie!"

"Hmph. Fine time to fall in love, just when you're about to die," Paine said with her usual cynical tone. She was unable, however, to adequately hide her smile. Neither could Auron, who seemed proud his 'nephew' was finally mature enough (sort of) for a relationship of his own. It made him slightly wistful, though, since he had never really had an opportunity for love, what with being a disgraced monk in life and…well, a dead guy for the last several years. Not that the dating pool didn't get larger when you were actually dead, but he had never really found the time to start seeing someone, what with his wandering and searching for answers to what had happened to his peaceful afterlife. Maybe he should just quit wandering and think about settling down for good. Wasn't it about time? Well, assuming they survived the nigh-indestructible dragon, anyway.

Tidus sighed. "Right now, if there's one thing I could wish for, it's that Yiazmat would go away! Or that something would happen to tip the scales in our favor!"

"Isn't that what I said?" asked a confused Chappu.

Right on cue, one of the shooting stars seemed to grow larger as it hurtled down towards the island, causing the heroes to quickly scatter as it crashed into the beach, shaking the earth and causing a few trees to fall down as the stellar object dug a furrow through the earth, spilling grains everywhere and showering the group with stinging sand before finally coming to a halt. It sat there, in the end of the trench it had made for itself, smoking fiercely due to its intense heat from reentry. Some of the sand had been turned to glass by the heat, and other bits were alit with tiny fires. As the smoke faded, the object cooling down, they could see it was not a meteorite at all but a spherical, clearly artificial multicolored object only a few feet in diameter with a small hatch on one side.

"No way…" said an incredulous Wakka.

"AAAAAHHHH! IT'S THE ALIENS!" Selphie screamed, running away and shrieking at the top of her head, as usual.

"That's an escape pod from a Gummi ship!" Yuna announced.

"And judging from that heart-shaped mark on one side, it's one of LeBlanc's! What's it doing here?" wondered Paine.

They soon got their answer as the hatch swung open with a creak and a hiss of steam. Only a moment after that, Darlene Hikari tumbled out of the escape pod, clutching the Crystal Cup and golden Blitzball to her chest, her limbs and back bent at rather unsightly angles due to her having to contort herself to fit inside the very small pod. "Phew, that was an interesting ride," she commented. "A bit too cramped, though. Must get a larger one next time." She staggered to her feet and, with a few twists of her body accompanied with rather sickening cracks, all her bones realigned and she was as good as new.

The heroes stared at her in astonishment. "Is that…Sora's mom?!" cried an incredulous Tidus.

"OH EM GEE! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG! SORA'S MOM'S AN ALIEN!" Selphie screamed as she ran by, going in wild circles as usual.

"No dear, I just stowed away on LeBlanc's ship after tracking it over here and tricked her into giving back the treasure she stole, then set off the explosives I planted all over her vessel as I made my escape, blowing it to pieces," Darlene explained in a calm, matter-of-fact tone of voice, as if she did this sort of thing everyday. Maybe she did.

"Oh, okay," Selphie said, calming down at once.

"Incredible," said an amazed Auron.

"Man, why can't our mom be that cool?" Wakka complained.

"Or cook as good as Sora's mom, ya?" Chappu agreed.

"Wow! She's quite a lady!" said an impressed Rikku. "Yunie, maybe we should make her a member of the Gullwings! What do you think?"

"I don't know," Yuna said. "YRPD doesn't quite have the same ring to it…it makes us sound like we're police, which we most certainly aren't. Though YuRiPaDa does have an interesting taste to it…"

"You are my new idol," Paine said in awe. "Teach me everything you know."

"Of course, dear," Darlene said. It was at that moment that Yiazmat burst out of the jungle and landed on the beach, causing sand and dirt to fly in every direction. The dragon raised its gruesome head and roared at the top of its lungs, shaking the island and causing the heroes to stumble back before recovering their wits and drawing their weapons. "Right after this," Darlene said to Paine. She then turned and shocked all of them by going out right in front of them and walking towards Yiazmat. She was right before the dragon's head before anyone could recover their wits and stop her, extending her arms with the stolen treasures in them out towards the beast. "Hello," she said cheerfully. "Are these yours?"

Her friends stared at her in disbelief. Yiazmat did the same, stunned by Darlene's sheer audacity. Enraged that she was dangling its precious keepsakes before it, thinking she was mocking it, the dragon bellowed in fury right in her face, lifting a foot with the intention of smashing the puny human into paste. Darlene naturally did not quite agree with this. "Well, that's not very nice," she commented without fear, putting down the cup and Blitzball while Auron, the kids, and the fairies ran towards her, yelling for her to get out of the way, and Selphie did nothing but scream and run around in circles as usual. Straightening back up, Darlene pulled back her arm and slapped Yiazmat hard across the snout, causing the enormous monster to rear back in surprise, snarling in confusion. "Bad dragon! SIT!"

To everyone's astonishment, even Yiazmat's, that's exactly what the great wyrm did. Sitting back on its hind legs, the ancient dragon blinked at the indignant human woman shaking her finger and scolding it, utterly dumbfounded. "Now, I know you may have been locked up in an ancient tomb for the last few centuries, but that's no excuse for bad manners! As a tomb guardian, you should live up to better standards than that!" She put her hands on her hips. "Now, could we calm down and deal with this like civilized beings, if you please? I'm sure we can come to an understanding."

Yiazmat blinked at Darlene again, more confused than it had ever been in its entire very long lifespan. It glanced at the other humans and fairies, hoping they could offer some explanation, but they just shrugged and gave back equally confused looks. They had just as little idea of what Darlene was doing or how she was doing it as the dragon did. So, after a moment, all the poor bewildered monster could do was nod at Darlene. "That's better," she said, relaxing and folding her arms across her chest. "Now, these relics here were put into your care for protection, right?" After a moment, Yiazmat nodded again, still perplexed. "Well, I managed to retrieve them and punish the thieves who took them. I'm sure you were looking forward to doing it yourself, but now that you have your treasure back, there's no reason to, especially since they're probably dead by now anyway. So, you can take the treasure back now and go back to your tomb to rest in peace, without destroying half the island in rage. We'll make sure nobody else tries to steal them again, won't we?" She glanced at the others as she said this. Her friends blinked at her for a moment in confusion, then quickly nodded and reassured the dragon that that was exactly what they would do, wondering all the while what the heck was going on here and how this was possible. "So, go on now. Take your keepsakes and go home. Shoo. Scat. Go on." The dragon didn't budge, just continued staring at her blankly. Darlene frowned and put her hands on her hips again. "Get going already! Or do you want me to take out a rolled-up newspaper and smack you with it?"

Yiazmat did not. Whimpering in fright, not even knowing why exactly it was afraid, the enormous dragon craned its head down, delicately took the Crystal Cup and golden Blitzball in its jaws, then turned and stomped back off into the jungle, leaving the party alone on the beach. It would ponder just what had happened on that beach for the rest of its days.

For a moment, there was a stunned silence as the group watched the bewildered Yiazmat wander off. Darlene wiped her hands off on her fatigues and turned back to them. "Well, guess that's that."

"…Whoa," said a stunned Tidus.

"Maybe we _should_ let her into the group after all," said an equally amazed Yuna, much to Rikku's delight.

"…That had to be one of the slickest things I've ever seen," Auron said, deeply impressed. "I've seen people bribe monsters into going away, but _that_…that was something else." He suddenly found himself wondering, now that he wasn't going to die (again), if she might be amenable to dating someone who wasn't exactly alive.

"I repeat: teach me everything you know," said a deeply awed Paine. "You _slapped_ Yiazmat and treated him like a dog, and he just took it. That is _beyond_ hardcore. I am _nothing_ compared to that."

"Mrs. Hikari is the roxxorz!" Selphie squealed joyfully.

"Mrs. Hikari, how did you do that?!" an incredulous Wakka asked. "You just talked Yiazmat into going away!"

"Yeah, that's like, totally unbelievable!" added Chappu.

"Oh, it wasn't so hard, really," Darlene told them. "You just need to know how to talk to some people. Not everything needs to be solved with violence." She readjusted her various bandoliers, the ammunition, knives, and explosives dangling from them rustling against each other. "Now, who wants to go back to my house for some cookies?"

There was a slightly confused but near-unanimous cheer at that, as all of them wouldn't have minded having some cookies, but unfortunately, it was not to be just yet, for they still had one more ordeal to suffer before they could rest.

Without warning, another shooting star crashed down to the beach, shaking the ground, throwing up sand, and nearly taking off Selphie's head. (Unfortunately, it missed,) Auron, Paine, and Tidus quickly drew their swords in alarm and faced the fallen object, waiting for the dust to clear and reveal the new threat. Darlene pulled out a couple of serrated and very nasty-looking combat knives, which Rikku could not help but admire.

"Is it another escape pod?" Yuna asked. "Like the one Mrs. Hikari came down in?"

"No…" Auron said, squinting as the cloud of dust and disturbed sand settled. "It looks like something else…"

"No way…" said an incredulous Tidus, lowering his guard as the fallen object became clearer. "Is that…"

"A toilet?!" a disbelieving Wakka finished. "What the heck is a toilet doing falling from space, ya?"

It was indeed a toilet, smoking and blackened from reentry, but surprisingly intact despite falling from high up in the atmosphere and smashing into the ground, with only a few cracks. There was a flushing sound and the lid to the toilet's cistern flipped open as the blackened, bedraggled, and steaming members of the LeBlanc Syndicate managed to drag themselves out of the top, gasping and coughing for breath. "Never…again…" LeBlanc wheezed.

"I can't believe-gasp-that we actually made it," rasped Logos.  
"Bwaha-" Ormi started to laugh, only to break off hacking and wheezing. "I-cough-told you my toilet would get us there! Nothing can break Ol' Betsy here!"

"…I don't believe it," said an incredulous Tidus. "They're still alive?! What does it take to kill these guys?!"

"And they managed to get here by riding in a toilet? That's bizarre, even for them!" said a disturbed Yuna.

"And they _named_ it, even…" said a disgusted Rikku.

"That's really messed up, ya," commented Chappu.

"Have we really fallen this far?" Wakka wondered. "To have to resort to toilet humor for comic relief?!"

"Next time, I must remember to use stronger explosives," Darlene promised herself.

"Now I've seen everything…" Auron muttered to himself.

"Can we kill them now? Please? Their stupidity may be infectious," Paine begged.

Selphie gasped. "Infectious?! DISEASE?! OH EM EFF GEE DOUBLE-YOU TEE EFF! I MIGHT ALREADY HAVE IT! AAAAAHHHHH!" She ran off screaming about how her flesh was going to melt off and her eyeballs would explode or how she might mutate into a horrific monster due to whatever alien virus she apparently believed she might have caught from being around the fairies. All stared at her as she ran in circles, shrieking at the top of her lungs.

"You know," Rikku said after a moment. "She may already have caught it. The stupidity, I mean."

"Naw, she was always like this," Wakka refuted. "Even before you guys showed up."

"AHEM! If you would all pay attention to me?!" LeBlanc shrieked, reminding them she was still there. "YOU!" She pointed a finger angrily at Darlene, who blinked.

"Who, me?" said the woman in question.

"Yes, YOU!" LeBlanc howled. "You snuck into our ship, tricked us into giving up our treasure, and stole an escape pod to get away with it before blowing up our ship and crippling us in orbit! We might still be there now, if the fucking ARMADA out there hadn't nearly blown us into smithereens!"

The heroes looked at each other in confusion. "Armada?" Yuna pondered. "What armada?"

"I don't remember seeing any armada when we were on our way here…" said Paine. "Then again, that might be because we were too busy careening totally out of control thanks to Rikku."

"HEY!" the blonde in question yelled, upset by the completely truthful comment.

"I will KILL you right here and now if you don't give me the goddamn treasure!" LeBlanc screamed at Darlene.

"Sorry," Darlene said apologetically. "Don't have it."

There was a long silence. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" LeBlanc shrieked.

"Wh-what do you mean you don't have it?" Ormi asked, face pale with horror.

"Yes, do you know what we had to do to get it in the first place?!" Logos said angrily.

"She gave it back to its rightful protector," Auron informed the thieves.

"Yeah, and she didn't even need to hit him to do it! Well, other than that one slap," Tidus said. "It was really cool." His friends nodded in agreement. Selphie continued to scream.

LeBlanc's eye twitched. "So…what you're telling me…is that the treasure's gone. All gone. Back in the claws of that totally invincible dragon. Which means there's no way we can get it back."

"I'm afraid so," Darlene said, looking almost sorry for LeBlanc. Almost.

LeBlanc's head sank, hair falling down and hiding her face as she began shaking uncontrollably, her hands clutching the edges of the cistern so hard her nails dug deep gouges into them. Her lackeys patted her shoulders sympathetically. "There, there, Boss," Ormi said reassuringly. "Don't worry. There's always next time."

"Ah, Ormi?" Logos said. "We don't have a ship anymore. Which means we're stuck here, on this backwater underdeveloped planet. So even if we DID steal something, we…wouldn't really be able to do anything with it."

"…Oh. Right," Ormi said, shoulders slumping.

LeBlanc's shoulders shook, as if she was crying, or laughing. After a moment, she raised her head to stare at the group. Tidus flinched when he saw the sheer amount of rage twisting LeBlanc's somewhat pretty (not nearly as much as Yuna's, of course) face into a grotesque mask of pure hatred. Insanity glittered in the fairy's eyes, her mind breaking under the realization that all her dreams, all her life's ambitions, were now completely and utterly destroyed. "YOU…" she hissed. "YOU…GULLWINGS…YOU HUMANS…YOU'VE TAKEN _EVERYTHING _FROM ME!"

"Well, technically you took it from yourself, since it was your choosing a selfish life of thievery that led you to this moment in the first place," Rikku pointed out cheerfully.

"I don't think you're helping," Paine said, rolling her eyes.

"THAT'S IT…THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!" LeBlanc snarled, shaking off Ormi and Logos as they frantically tried to calm down. "ALL OF YOU…DIE…_NOW!!!!_" Her hands began to crackle with energy. The heroes quickly drew their weapons once more and got on their guard as tendrils of magic shot out from LeBlanc's fingers and began wrapping around the toilet the three thieves were sitting in, causing it to shudder and began to glow. To their astonishment, the commode pulsated and began to grow before their very eyes, sprouting arms and legs in the process!

"…What the heck?" said a confused Chappu. "Is that toilet getting bigger or is it just me, ya?

"This is very odd…" commented a puzzled Darlene.

"Yuna, what's she doing?" Tidus asked.

"Oh no…" Yuna groaned. "She's using _that_ spell again!"

"What spell?" Auron asked, giving her a quick look.

"A few centuries ago, LeBlanc managed to learn a spell that allows her to, once a day, change a totally ordinary everyday object into a giant monster or robot under her control," Paine explained.

"Which, naturally, she then unleashes on us," Rikku elaborated. "But they're always totally lame, so we always take 'em apart pretty quickly!"

"…Are you kidding me, brudda?!" said an incredulous Wakka. "That sounds like something from some cheesy television show!"

"Why didn't she use this spell before, when we were fighting Yiazmat then?!" asked an angry Tidus. "We could have used the help!"

"It would have been more in their favor to let us do all the dirty work while they focused on escaping," Auron explained. "Why would they bother wasting the effort on helping us when we'd only make them give back what they took in the first place?"

"Plus, the only objects they could have used to make the monster would have been the treasures themselves," Yuna added. "And that would, naturally, make it impossible to sell the treasure for profit."

"I think it's more likely that she just forgot," Paine grunted, not feeling charitable towards their rival at the moment. "She does that a lot."

The toilet was now about fifty feet tall and vaguely menacing-looking. It had thick, stubby limbs made out of plumbing, ending in sharp claws. The U-bend was lined with jagged teeth, as could be seen every time the lid flapped open. It had one small eye where the handle should have been, and some toilet paper hanging out of its "mouth". It was holding a giant plunger in one hand. It waved its limbs and the plunger and roared, voice sounding much like a regular toilet flushing, but louder. "I repeat: have we really sunken this far?" Wakka asked sardonically.

"Now I really have seen everything…" Auron murmured, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Wahahahahaha!" LeBlanc cackled insanely from the mildewed and damp cockpit inside the giant toilet's cistern. "This is the end for you, Dullwings! You will suffer my revenge at the hands of the Toilenator! When it's through with you, you'll be _flushed_ down into the sewers of defeat!" On a distant world, a rather pathetic supervillain dressed like a toilet sneezed and got the vague sensation he should sue someone for ripping off his copyrighted name.

"Yeah, like all my pet goldfish which up and died on me after I only had them for a week at a time!" Ormi added. He sniffed. "I really loved those little guys…"

"I can't believe we've really come to this…" Logos sighed. "Using a giant toilet as a weapon of mass destruction…didn't our organization have some class once?" He grimaced and waved at the air in front of his face. "And a better odor, too?"

"Well, what do you expect?" Ormi said reasonably. "We _are_ in a giant toilet."

"ZEE OH EM EFF GEE DOUBLE-YOU TEE EFFBEE BEE QUEUE!" Selphie screamed. "The giant toilet people from Uranus have come at last, as I always knew they would! Run for your lives!" She began running, tripped on some of the heaps of sand piled up from all the shaking and crashing that had been happening lately, and hit her head against the side of Darlene's escape pod, knocking herself out.

"Toilet people of…" Chappu groaned. "Ugh, that's a horrible pun, brudda."

"Tell me about it. What's the author thinking, ya?" Wakka agreed. "I thought he had a higher standard of humor than this, resorting to cheap toilet jokes!"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall, you two," Darlene told them. "We have a giant toilet to dismantle."

"Isn't this more of a job for a plumber?" Tidus asked dubiously.

"There's only one plumber I can think of who's man enough to defeat something like this…and unfortunately, he's in another galaxy, where walking mushroom people live and fire-breathing turtles routinely kidnap princesses," said Paine. "So, we'll have to take this thing on ourselves. No sweat."

"Yeah, it's not like LeBlanc's ever really been a threat to us, no matter how hard she tries," Rikku agreed. "And with all of us working together, it should be a piece of cake!"

"So, is everyone ready?" Yuna asked. Everyone nodded at her. "All right then! YRP! Gullwings…"

"Guardians…" Tidus added.

"LET'S GO!" they rallied. As a group, they charged the Toilenator.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" LeBlanc howled, foam and spittle flying from her mouth as she pushed her mecha forward to engage her enemies once more, possibly for the last time.

…

Elsewhere…

Three figures covered completely in golden armor stood in silence at the rim of a glowing pool of water shaped like a keyhole, their long capes stirring behind them as they shifted now and then to get a better angle of the vision they were sharing. The pool's surface was rippling before them, displaying the image of Sora falling, falling towards the skyscrapers of Dark City far below.

The silence was broken when one of the figures, a male, spoke up, his voice insistent with a hint of worry. "Should we not intervene? If we remain uninvolved, the Keyblade Master may die!"

"That is yet to be certain," another of the figures, a female, said, though she did not sound very certain. "The rules are clear on this matter. Without direct orders, we may not intervene, not to save Sora, and not to stop Oberon. And as of yet, our orders remain the same: we are to observe, not act. No matter how much we might want to…"

"He is the One," the third figure standing between the other two, largest and also a male, said calmly. "Therefore, he shall prevail."

"And what if he does not?" the first figure demanded.

"Then he was never the One…and so was always destined to fail," the third figure replied.

The first shook his head in frustration. "Then let us hope…for all our sakes…that you are right. For if Sora dies, and he is indeed the One, then all our hopes die with them."

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

And so the party crasher has been revealed at last to be none other than Lord Oberon, seeking his vengeance! And no sooner does he show up but he immobilizes everyone knocks out all the Keyblade wielders (well, other than Jack) and kidnaps just about everyone with magical powers before leaving the rest to die.

And back on Destiny Islands, Yiazmat has at last been bested, but LeBlanc still has one final card to play before she will admit defeat. The party has fought hard before, but can they really prevail against a giant toilet?

And what of these three mysterious figures observing Sora who look all too much like the armored soldiers present in the secret movie at the end of KH2? What part do they have to play in all this?

For the answers to all this and more, read the next chapter of A Match Made in Hell. It's a lot more than just a wedding now.


	9. Battle for the Chapel

Hey everyone. After a short hiatus due to final exams and helping a friend, I'm back! Let's see how our heroes make it out of this current situation, all right?

…

Disclaimer: No character in this story that is not an OC belongs to me.

…

When last we checked on Sora, he was plummeting from Maleficent's flying castle to his certain doom.

He still is. (It's a very long fall)

"WAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" Sora screamed as he plummeted towards his certain doom. (Wouldn't you?)

_Sora!_

"WAAAAHHHH!"

_Sora!_

"WAAAAHHHH!"

_SORA!_

"WAAAHH-huh?"

_Sora, I thought we could fly,_ Roxas pointed out.

"…Oh yeah. Forgot about that," Sora said, calming down somewhat, despite the fact that they were still hurtling towards the skyscrapers below them at alarming speeds.

_Right. So. Shouldn't we be flying to safety right about now?_

"Just a second. Let's see…what did Tinkerbell say we have to do again? Oh, right, think happy thoughts," Sora recalled. "So let's do that. You too, Roxas, the more thoughts the better."

_All right_, Roxas said, seeing that as a favorable alternative to splattering death.

Sora closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he could. "Happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts…my first time flying, both a happy experience and one that should come in handy right now."

_Eating sea-salt ice cream on summer afternoons with Hayner, Pence and Olette on top of the clock tower…even if that never actually happened…_

"Hanging out with Riku, Kairi, Donald and Goofy, or any of my other close friends…"

_Playing pranks with Axel…_

"The look on Hades' face when we beat the crap out of him for the gazillionth time…"

_The look on Seifer's face when I whomped him with a foam bat…_

"Reuniting with everyone at Hollow Bastion and helping change it back to Radiant Garden."

_Kicking that girly-ass Sephiroth's butt. Even if he had to act like such a douche when we were through and pretend we hadn't hurt him in the least._

"I'm not sure he was pretending…singing in Atlantica, just for fun and to cheer Ariel up."

_Throwing tomatoes at Demyx while he was rehearsing and laughing when he started crying like a girl. Which sometimes flooded the castle, but it was worth it. Unless Larxene got involved, and then everyone would get electrocuted…._

"Saving worlds with my friends, seeing the smiles on their faces when we put their lives back together…"

_Listening to the screams of the inhabitants of dozens of worlds as I unleashed the Heartless on them and laughed maniacally while their civilizations crumbled to ruin…_

"Wait, what?"

_Er, ignore that last one. Um, taping that 'Kick me' sign to Xemnas' back and watching Marluxia get beaten up for actually kicking him and getting blamed for the whole thing…_

"Um, all right. Seeing Kairi again and giving back her lucky charm after we were gone for like, over a year…oh, and bringing Riku back home with us, of course, so we were all together again."

_The first time I slept with Namine…mmm, she was a _wildcat_ in bed, a heck of a lot fiercer than you would expect from a timid thing like her._

"Um, okay, I really didn't need to know that."

_Wuss. Finding out I wasn't going to disappear forever by merging with you after all._

"Coming home for the first time in over a year, and seeing everyone again."

_Actually _having_ a home that wasn't a crazy-ass castle which defied the laws of physics, was impossible to navigate, and was occupied by homicidal maniacs. Or wasn't a digital town filled with digital people to keep me out of the way for a while._

"Getting a rematch with Riku and winning."

_Same._

"How happy Mom looked when she found out she now had another son…after she stopped trying to stab us to death, that is."

_That one time I killed Riku, decapitated him, and mounted his head on the wall alongside DiZ's…_

"Wait, that never happened."

_No, but I wish it had. You never said our happy thoughts had to be actual _memories_, did you?_

"Er, I guess not. In that case, the day you stop being such a psycho and become a regular kid, like me."

_Pssh, never happen. A hot orgy between me and all the hot girls you've met. And guys. Except for Riku._

"Ew."

_Oh come on, don't tell me you've never thought of it._

"No, actually, I haven't."

_Psh, fine, I guess I could throw in Riku if you _really_ wanted him…_

"What? No!"

_Oh come on, if I'm bi, so are you. And you must admit he's a fine-looking hunk of man, only slightly marred by the fact that I hate his guts so much._

"The day you not only stop being a psycho, but less of a pervert too," Sora said loudly.

_Psh, that'll never happen either. The day you stop being such a wuss and face up to your own sexuality._

"I'm not being a wuss. I have no problem with my 'sexuality', I'm just not interested in sleeping with that many women…or men…because most of them are already with someone else, and I'm perfectly happy as I am now, and think if and when it happens it should only be done with the person or persons I care about most," Sora said, feeling his cheeks heat up suddenly. "Not just with anything that moves."

_I have higher standards than that,_ Roxas grumbled. _But I guess I can respect that. Blowing up Atlantica._

"Hey!"

_What? I had an awful time there! All that singing and dancing, it was like we just walked into a musical or something!_

"We did, sort of. Remember? It was Sebastian's production."

_Oh, right._

"Showing my friends the innocence and pure happiness and fun that is 100 Acres Wood."

_Likewise._

"Huh, was expecting you to say you wanted to burn the book."

_Nah, I liked it there too, surprisingly. Not that bad. Of course, it could use just a little touch of darkness in my opinion, so it would be a little less saccharine. For instance, if there _were_ any one guy I'd want to kill in there, it would be that damn owl! Always nattering on and on and on about things he doesn't have the slightest clue about, and long boring stories about his relatives, and always acting like such a know-it-all! Argh, made me sick…_

Not wanting to admit that he had found Owl very tedious as well, Sora continued. "Seeing you in the flesh someday, rather than just a projection…so we can be real brothers, instead of just two guys sharing the same body…I think I'd like that. A lot."

There was a pause. _I…yeah, I'd like that too, Sora,_ Roxas said after a moment. Sora smiled.

And it was then he realized that they had stopped falling, and were in fact hovering in place, suspended between Dark City below and the flying castle above. "I think that did it," Sora said.

_Then what're we waiting for? Let's get back up there and kick some elf hiney!_ Roxas crowed.

"Yeah, everyone's waiting for us," Sora said with a firm nod, willing his body _up_ and ascending back towards the castle. "We can't let them down!"

…

Speaking of everyone…

With the breaking of the Immobilizega and Silence spells, the chapel was filled with battle cries, explosions, and a great amount of cacophony as the battle joined between the heroic and villainous guests and Oberon's Unseelie forces. There were far fewer guests than there had been before, since Oberon had abducted everyone with magical powers, so the guests were significantly outnumbered by the glowing monsters. Nevertheless, they were not going to let the blue long-haired asshole get the last word, so were going to fight to the last, even if there was the slight problem of the Unseelie constantly replenishing their numbers while everyone else was forced to make do with what they already had, since Oberon had sealed the chamber and so nobody who was not Unseelie could leave or call for reinforcements. Even so, they were giving it all they could, even joining forces with their greatest enemies against a common foe, for the moment anyway. A number of Disney soldiers had clustered around the petrified Gargoyles to keep them from being smashed, allowing some of the more powerful defenders to focus their efforts elsewhere.

"Mayor, are you sure this is a good idea?" Ragdoll Sally asked the Mayor of Halloweentown timidly as he frantically pulled at various levers in the cockpit of Oogie Boogie's abandoned giant slot machine.

"No, not really," he moaned, his pale 'anxiety' face looking even more haggard than usual. "But Jack's gone, so we're going to have to do everything we can to protect ourselves! Even if I _am_ only an elected official…whoops, I think that did it!" he cried as the machine rumbled and came to life, rising with a lurch that nearly knocked the two out of the cockpit. "Whooooaaaaa!" The death machine began rolling uncontrollably throughout the room, crushing a number of Unseelie beneath its wheels, causing them to die with agonizing death shrieks and burst into luminescent particles, leaving a bit of glowing residue on the floor and the wheels. The guests they nearly ran over in the process all shook their fists angrily at the out-of-control machine as it rolled away.

"How do you stop this crazy thing?!" the Mayor wailed, pulling frantically at levers while trying to keep hold of his hat and his seat, which wasn't easy.

"I thought you knew what you were doing," said the surprised Sally.

"Of course I don't, I'm just an elected official! I don't know anything! Heck, I barely even know how to drive my hearse! I wonder what this doohickey does…" Tentatively pressing a button, the Mayor yelped as the vehicle screeched to a halt and the slot machine's scythe lever arm chopped down, slicing a giant Unseelie that had pinned a helpless soldier to the ground in half, and watched in amazement as the slot wheels on front of the machine began to spin. "Oooohhh…"

"Mayor!" Sally cried in alarm as a number of winged Unseelie (Yes, some came with wings, big glowy ones) swooped down towards them.

"Just a second Sally, I think this might be my lucky day!" the Mayor said as the first wheel stopped on BAR, then the second, and then… "YES!" he whooped, head swiveling to reveal his 'happy' face. "Jackpot!" The three 'Bar' wheels flashed, and then the slot-machine robot's jaws wrenched open and spat several hundred gold coins at high velocity through the air, ripping the winged Unseelie to shreds and raining down on a number of the guests, who immediately put a pause on their fighting to scramble on the ground and pick up as much gold as they could. "Hey, Sally, they're stealing my winnings! No fair!" the Mayor said angrily. "Well, I'll put a stop to that!" As an incredulous Sally watched, the Mayor pulled a number of random levers, causing the scythe arm to chop down again and decapitate a mad scientist. But it was only Dr. Lugae, who breathed through his mouth and nobody liked, so it didn't really matter. The wheels began to spin again. "Come on, come on, come on…" The first wheel stopped on BAR. "Yes…" The second stopped on BAR. "YES…" The third wheel stopped on…a cheeseburger. "Nooooooooo! Of all the rotten luck!" the Mayor cried, weeping and pounding his fists on the top of the control panel. "Oh, this must be why we outlawed gambling back in Halloweentown…" He didn't even notice as missile launchers emerged from the sides and back of the robot and fired rockets at the munny-grubbers, who screamed and ran, abandoning the loot….only to allow Jack Sparrow and Yuffie to quickly start grabbing as much of it as they could, with the competition gone. The Mayor continued sobbing, switching back to his other face, and Sally made a note to herself to speak to Jack (as soon as they got him back, that is) about making someone _else _Mayor of Halloweentown at the next election.

Meanwhile, the armored Imperial soldiers of Archadia were in a great deal of trouble. His Majesty Vayne Solidor was gone, and they had no higher-ranking officers or Judges to lead them. They fought to the best of their ability, but they were heavily outnumbered (since the Magi in their ranks had been abducted as well) and now found themselves surrounded by a large circle of hissing, bloodthirsty Unseelie. Their ammunition was low, their swords weakening, much of their armor had been rent by the beasts' claws, and a number of them were wounded. It seemed as if this were truly the end. A more daring Unseelie screeched, crouched, and pounced at an exhausted Hoplite, who could barely lift his sword to repel the beast…

When another sword pierced the monster from behind, tearing out through its chest. Impaled, the Unseelie shrieked and writhed in agony on the blade for a moment before bursting into incandescent particles. The blonde-haired armored swordsman pulled his weapon back from the amazed Hoplite and turned to face the other Unseelie, who were currently fighting with soldiers wearing armor of a different make than the Archadians, bearing the crest of… "Dalmasca?" whispered a stunned Gunner.

"That's…that's Captain Basch of the Order of Knights!" cried an amazed Swordsman, referring to the helmetless warrior who had just saved the hapless Hoplite. "Hero of Dalmasca! But…why is he saving us, his enemies?!"

"A good question," Basch commented as he came back towards them, dancing with his blade and deflecting the claws of a very aggressive Unseelie before driving his sword through its chest, killing it instantly. "After all, I serve the Queen of Dalmasca, sworn enemy of your Emperor Vayne Solidor, and spent two years in an Imperial prison. What reason should I have to help servants of the country sworn to destroy mine?"

"Um…yeah, that's what I was just asking," the confused Swordsman said.

"Well," Basch commented, spinning about and slicing a pack of Unseelies leaping towards him in two. "You could say its part of the knight's code of honor to help those in need…even if they should be your worst enemy. And in any event…" He wiped some sweat from his brow. "At the moment, we are in foreign territory. Neutral ground. While we may be from different countries, we are still from the same world, which none other in this chamber can claim. Even if we are rivals, there is still a bond between us that comes from living on the same planet. And to allow the schism made by the war at home to continue causing enmity between us in this place, so far from our world and respective countries, serves no real purpose. And in addition…" He paused to help his companion knights dispatch more Unseelies. "In addition, at the moment, we are on our own, our respective situations not so different. Your Emperor was not the only monarch to be taken by that foul Oberon."

This startled the Archadians. "Wait…you mean…" one of the Marksman started.

Basch nodded solemnly. "I'm afraid so. Her Majesty Ashe, Queen of Dalmasca, is no longer with us. Apparently her blood link to the fabled Dynast-King was magical enough to elicit Oberon's attention, and now she is gone. Just like your Emperor."

"…" The Archadian soldiers were silent.

"We are all that represents Ivalice here," Basch continued. "All we have, at the moment, are each other. If we are to rescue our respective monarchs, we must put our differences aside and work together…for the time being, anyway." The Archadians did not answer. They glanced at each other uncertainly. Basch shrugged and turned back to the battle, giving his usual foes time to consider…and so did not notice the winged Unseelie diving towards him from behind.

At least, he didn't notice it until he heard its death-shriek, quickly killed the enemy he was engaged with, and whirled around in time to see the monster dissipate from the fatal wound delivered by the very same Hoplite he had saved moments ago. The soldier saluted him as the other Archadians joined the fray, helping Basch's own knights against their opponents. Basch smirked and saluted back, wondering if this might be the first sign of a chance for peace between the two kingdoms. And if not…well, it was the start of something, that was for certain.

Elsewhere…

"Ha! Die, you little creeps! DIE!" Negaduck roared, firing his gun repeatedly at the Unseelie attacking him, releasing volleys of explosive pellets and toxic gas canisters that tore the monsters apart. "That's thirty-five," he commented to Darkwing Duck, who was standing right behind him, the two caped ducks back-to-back.

Darkwing calmly aimed his own gun at a flock of winged Unseelie swarming towards them and fired, the knockout gas causing them to drop from the sky and crush the dozen or so regular Unseelie charging towards the duo, causing all of them to vaporize. "Forty-seven," he boasted.

"Dammit!" Negaduck cursed. "I'm not going to let myself get outdone by YOU of all people!" Looking for a way to quickly raise his death count, he pointed his gun up at the ceiling and fired some explosives at it, shaking it and causing large chunks to break off and tumble down, crushing the next wave of attacking Unseelie. "Fifty-two!" he crowed triumphantly. Darkwing growled under his breath and reloaded his weapon.

Nearby…

"Don't worry Mr. McDuck, we've got everything under control!" Gizmoduck told his employer, firing wrist-mounted machine guns at winged Unseelie swooping towards them, just a small sample of the large array of weaponry his Gizmo-suit had built into it.

"Of course you do," Scrooge grunted as his other bodyguards fired their own weapons, formed up in a circle around him to protect the wealthiest duck in the universe. "With what I'm paying you lads, you'd better!"

"Waaahhh! Help meeeeee!" cried a familiar Scottish-accented voice that was not Scrooge's. One of the bodyguards instinctively pointed his gun at the terrified Flintheart Glomgold, his kilt and tunic torn to shreds, his nice hat in total disrepair, and his glasses in pieces as he ran in their direction, chased by a pack of ravenous Unseelies. "Somebody, anybody, help meeeee! AUUUGGGHHH!"

"Mr. McDuck?" the bodyguard asked, not lowering his gun.

Scrooge considered for a moment. Then another moment. And another moment after that. Finally, he sighed and said, "Aye, let him through." The bodyguard nodded and stepped aside for a moment to let the panicked Flintheart through, then opened fire with his fellows on the Unseelie that had been chasing the wealthy duck, to keep them at bay.

Flintheart, eyes crazed with terror, grabbed an alarmed Scrooge's shirt and started shaking him in desperation. "McDuck! Save me, please, don't let them get me!"

"Calm down, Glomgold!" Scrooge snapped, shoving Flintheart off and bopping him with his cane. "What's wrong? Where are your bodyguards? Shouldn't they be protecting you instead of mine?"

"Dead! Dead! All dead!" Flintheart moaned. "Ohhhh, I _knew_ I shouldn't have given the job to the lowest bidder! I'm all that's left, and those monsters…those horrible, _horrible_ monsters…won't even be civilized beings and accept bribes to let me live! I threw munny at them and they just ate it, like _savages!_" He swallowed, held his tattered hat to his chest, and tried his best to look like a penniless and penitent beggar. "Please, McDuck, you have to keep me safe. I-I'll give you anything you want, all my munny and holdings-" Flintheart paused for a moment, realizing what he was saying, then reworded his last statement. "A hundredth of my munny and holdings, just DON'T LET THEM GET ME!"

Scrooge made a big show of hemming and hawing, and then went right down to haggling. "A tenth."

"What?!" Flintheart bellowed in rage. "That's far too much! A hundredth!"

Scrooge yawned. "An eighth."

"A hundredth!" Flintheart insisted.

Scrooge rolled his eyes. "A quarter."

"A HUNDREDTH, AND NO FURTHER!" Flintheart screamed.

Scrooge frowned at his rival, considered for a moment what it might feel like to tell his guards to throw this cur back to the Unseelie, and then decided his nephews would never forgive him for it. Besides, it was the sort of thing Flintheart Glomgold himself would do, not Scrooge McDuck. Still… "A third." For there was no way he could possibly accept such a ridiculously small amount of munny as Flintheart was offering as payment for saving his life, he was a better businessman than that.

"A HUNDREDTH! AND NOT A CENT MORE, YOU STEALING, CHEATING, PENNY-PINCHING MUNNY-GRUBBING PHILANDERING EXCUSE FOR A SCOTTSMAN!" Flintheart howled, hopping up and down, red in the face.

Before an infuriated Scrooge could reply, one of the bodyguards let out a bloodcurdling scream and fell over, one of the Unseelie on top of him, ripping and tearing at his chest with its claws, bloodstained feathers flying everywhere. The other bodyguards quickly filled it with lead, blasting it into glowing particles before turning their attention back to the pack of monsters which had gotten far too close during Scrooge and Flintheart's 'negotiation'. Gizmoduck pulled out a First Aid kit from his armor and began administering it to the wounded guard, who was thankfully not fatally injured. However, without Gizmoduck providing additional cover, one of the winged Unseelie was able to break through the line of fire blasted out by the bodyguards, penetrating their circle and diving straight at the terrified, and utterly helpless, Flintheart. Some of the guards turned, and Gizmoduck looked up, but none of them could possibly do anything to save the elderly duck in time, not without potentially shooting each other as well. None except for Scrooge, twisting his cane in his hands…

Flintheart screamed and threw his arms over his face, recoiling at the thought of those horrible glowing claws rending him limb from limb and putting his long and stingy life at an end…and started when he heard a high-pitched death shriek, the sound of one of the Unseelie being killed rather than killing. "Wh-what?" Tentatively, he lowered his arms and dropped his jaw, seeing Scrooge McDuck before him, a cane-handled sword in hand thrust into the chest of the winged monster. Scrooge wrenched his sword from the creature's gut and watched dispassionately as it vaporized. He glared at his bodyguards. "That creature should not have gotten this far," he said coolly. "Ye can all expect a serious pay cut for this, lads."

"Y-yes sir, Mr. McDuck," they all stammered. Gizmoduck went back to applying First Aid to the wounded guard and the others continued firing at any monster that got too close, stepping up their efforts to the best of their ability.

"That…that…" whispered a stunned Glomgold.

Scrooge calmly took hold of what was left of his rival's kilt and used it to clean off some lingering glowing residue from his blade. "Half. And I want it in writing."

Flintheart swallowed. "O-of course. Half. You have a deal."

Meanwhile…

"Go, my minions! Destroy these interlopers!" Zurg commanded his Hyper-Hornet robots.

"Kill Buzz Lightyear!" chanted one Hornet, crushing an Unseelie's skull in its fist.

"Destroy Buzz Lightyear!" called another, tearing another Unseelie limb from limb.

"Zurg is the greatest!" another cried loyally as it ripped one of the monsters in half with sheer brute strength.

The nearest Space Rangers glared at Zurg, who laughed sheepishly and said, "I really need to get around to widening their vocabulary."

Speaking of the esteemed Ranger, Buzz had somehow gotten separated from the rest of his team and now found himself stranded in the middle of a large group of ravenous Unseelie, some of which were extremely large and muscular. His comm. unit and wings had been damaged by an attack from one of the flying Unseelie, so he was currently grounded and cut off from the other Space Rangers. He was by no means defenseless, however. "All right," Buzz said, getting into a fighting stance. "You want to eat my flesh? Come and get me, you Glow-in-the-Dark freakshows!"

They did. Since they had Buzz surrounded in a tight circle, only a few could charge in at a time to attack the interstellar hero, albeit from all sides. That didn't prove to be much of a challenge for Buzz, though. A single blast from his arm-mounted laser obliterated the first of the monsters, allowing him to spin around in time and block the claw swipe of the second Unseelie, sweeping its feet out from under it with a kick, grabbing it by the legs and spinning it around in a circle, bowling over the other encroaching Unseelie in the process, before throwing the dazed monster outside the clearing he was in and knocking over one of the larger Unseelie, causing it to topple over and crush the weaker creatures around and behind it. This created a small opening in their ranks which Lightyear quickly exploited, leaping over the heads of the Unseelie at the edge of his clearing, landing on top of the chest of the big one he had just knocked over. He quickly ran up the thing's body as it started getting up, making a jump and powerful kick as he leaped over the thing's head, snapping its neck and killing it. Buzz landed outside the circle the Unseelie had formed, whirled around, and, before the enraged monsters could recover their wits and attack him, pointed his laser up at the ceiling and fired, severing the chain holding up one of the iron chandeliers, causing it to drop down and smash the Unseelie hoard into millions of particles of light when it hit the ground. Buzz smirked and turned around…

Only to get blindsided by the fist of a giant Unseelie, sending him flying until he crashed into the side of a pillar, denting it and cracking his bubble helmet. Buzz groaned and got back to his feet and aimed his laser at the enormous beast as it and its half-dozen brothers charged him…and found to his dismay that his laser had been crushed by the impact with the pillar. He looked around anxiously for backup, only to find none, the rest of the Space Rangers were far away and it didn't look as if anyone else was close enough to help him. The space hero shook off his anxiety and got into another fighting stance, not intending to let these monsters have the satisfaction of killing him easily.

He lunged at the first Unseelie, ducking underneath its claw swing and driving an uppercut into its chin, knocking it back so he could deliver a series of powerful punches and kicks to the beast's chest in several precise pressure points (or what he hoped were pressure points on such bizarre magical creatures), causing it to topple over and disintegrate. He rolled to the side and out of the way as a second giant brought its claws down in an overhead smash, pounding the ground he had just been standing on. Buzz leaped over the claws of a third giant as it swiped at him, kicked off its head, and landed on the shoulders of the second as the Unseelie stood back up. The third giant blindly attacked, driving its fast at Lightyear, only for Buzz to jump off at the last minute and cause the monster's fist to smash its comrade's skull in. Buzz landed on the shoulders of the monster he had just deceived, wrapped his legs around the Unseelie's neck, and jerked its head violently to the side, snapping the giant's neck and killing it. Lightyear leaped off the thing's shoulders before it vaporized, bounced off the head of a fourth giant, grabbed a flying Unseelie by the legs as it flew past overhead and hurled the avian at a fifth giant, killing the former and weakening the latter. He used the momentum from his jump to come down at the giant's chest with a powerful drill kick which smashed right through the beast's body and out the other side. Buzz landed on the ground behind the Unseelie and rolled out of the way just before it collapsed and vaporized. He wiped off some of the luminescent goo that had gotten onto his suit from driving through the Unseelie's body and smirked at the two remaining giants. "You still want some?" The Unseelie glanced at each other for a moment.

"I don't know about them," said a very familiar voice which startled Buzz to the extreme. "But I certainly would!" One of the giants flinched and staggered back as several bullets dug into its skin, causing it to raise an arm to shield itself. They were not iron, but they still smarted.

Buzz stared in open-jawed astonishment at the friend who had come to his side. "Unbelievable…Sheriff Woody, is that you?!"

Sheriff Woody, a brown-haired cowboy with a long face and yellow-orange plaid shirt, brown vest with gold-star badge, tall boots with spurs, and a classic Stetson hat, smirked at the spaceman and twirled his six-shooter guns. "Last time I checked, it was. Long time no see, partner."

"Woody…what…what are you doing here?!" asked an incredulous Buzz.

"Well, you see…" the cowboy was cut off by a bellow from the big Unseelie as they, and a bunch of the smaller variety, began charging at them. "Whoops, we'll have to finish this reunion later. Hold on, Buzz!" Woody fired a few more bullets from his guns, picking off the smaller monsters but doing little to stop the giants.

"I think we should probably think about a strategic retreat," Buzz cautioned as he saw more giants join the group coming at them.

"Maybe…" agreed Woody. "Or perhaps we should just wait for the reinforcements."

Buzz blinked. "Reinforcements?"

"Um, excuse me?" a small timid voice called from behind the Unseelie just before they reached Buzz and Woody. The monsters paused, squealed, and turned around…

To find themselves looking into the face of an enormous green Tyrannosaurus Rex. "Um. Yeah. Hi," he said, waving at the monsters with one of his tiny little arms. "Uh, should I do it now, Woody?"

"Yes Rex, now!" Woody called over the hulking Unseelie.

"Oh, okay." Rex took a deep breath, and then released a devastating roar which rocked the room, shook people's bones, rattled glass, and caused a few of the most chickenhearted combatants to defecate themselves. The Unseelie stared, wide-eyed, at Rex when he finished his long and terrifying roar, blinked their shiny black eyes, and vaporized.

Buzz blinked, trying to shake the ringing out of his ears. "Impressive," he said.

"Certainly is," Woody agreed. "He's been practicing."

"Yeah…I taught him that one, didn't I?" Buzz asked.

"You certainly did," the large green dinosaur, Nervous Rex, said as he stomped over. "Oh, it's so nice to see you again Mister Lightyear. Andy's place hasn't been the same since you went back to Star Command!"

"I'm sorry I had to go, Rex," Buzz apologized. "But I had a responsibility to my friends and fellow Space Rangers to deliver the secret plans to Zurg's superweapon to headquarters before he could launch a new attack against the galaxy. I always meant to come back and visit, but, well…" He shrugged. "Woody, you know how it is. Always one thing after another, right?"

Woody nodded. "Yeah, tell me about it. That's kinda how we wound up here in the first place."

On a mission some years ago, Buzz had managed to obtain secret plans for Zurg's latest project, a weapon capable of destroying a planet, but his ship had been damaged en route back to Star Command and he had been forced to crash-land on a mysterious planet in an uncharted sector of space. He had found himself in a world occupied by aliens resembling giant humans with giant buildings, furniture, vehicles, and pets to match. The only creatures Buzz's size were beings whose appearances somewhat resembled that of races and cultures ranging thousands of years of history and hundreds of worlds throughout the galaxy, who were apparently used by the giants for a variety of entertainment purposes. These multicultural beings called themselves 'Toys' collectively, and had been of the opinion that Buzz was one as well, due to his size and disturbingly uncanny resemblance to a number of other 'Toys'. Buzz had at first thought that the giants possessed powerful time machines which they used to snatch innocent people from all across time and space to serve them as slaves for their own amusement under the derogatory label of 'Toys', but later found that they were actually just mass-produced in factories around the planet, much like robots back where he came from. Of course, the majority of the robots where Buzz came from were not thinking, feeling people capable of true compassion, courage, and ingenuity in a capacity that Buzz was ashamed to say some of his fellow Space Rangers were not. So it was even more appalling when Buzz learned that not only did the giants mass-produce these thinking, feeling, compassionate beings as playthings, they didn't even regard the Toys as sentient beings…although, admittedly, a part of that might be due to the Toys' custom of 'playing dead' whenever their masters were about and only resuming animation in private. Buzz's Toy companions had never been able to explain to his satisfaction why it was they did that, other than to say it allowed them to have a bigger part in making the lives of the giants happier. The very same giants who not only mass-produced them, but played with them (occasionally very cruelly and carelessly), abused them, and eventually either disposed of or destroyed them completely! The lucky ones were given away to other giants to play with rather than being junked, but it only prolonged the inevitable, for the older the Toys were, the more fragile they became, and the more inevitable it was that they would one day be thrown away. Or worse, locked up in airless chests in an attic or basement, never to see the light of day again for years at a time, if ever. Buzz found the closest comparison he could think of to the sickening relationship these compassionate Toys had with their uncaring masters to be much like that of a loyal and docile woman with an abusive boyfriend or husband (or vice versa, depending on the planet and species), or even the fanatically devoted members of an insane cult, unwilling to leave their cruel and hurtful partners or leaders because the abused believed they loved the abusers and the abusers loved them back and things were better this way.

And that was just the Toys who got played with! A number of giants seemed to be so twisted that they believed the Toys to be 'collector's items' and so kept them encased in plastic containment units, the very same units they were purchased in (like slave labor!), under the absurd pretense that doing so 'preserved their value'. These 'preserved' (more like deprived!) toys were then exchanged from person to person, never breathing free air outside their containment units, and often found themselves trapped in grotesque collections of Toys from a similar 'product line' to be displayed by greedy and ambitious collectors for all eternity. Buzz had witnessed some of Zurg's foulest atrocities, and those committed by monsters even worse than he, but the Space Ranger could not bring himself to think of any crimes he had ever experienced or heard of more heinous than those committed by these uncaring giants. (And that's just what they did to their playthings; they did rather sickening things to each other too.) As a natural paragon of freedom and justice, Buzz couldn't stand to let this sickening state of affairs continue…but seeing as he was only one man up against an entire planet full of giants much bigger than he, he wasn't really sure how he could start a revolution without getting his Toy friends killed.

To be fair, Andy, the giant who 'owned' the Toys Buzz became acquainted with, such as Woody, Rex, Slink, Hamm, Bo Peep, and a number of others, was fairly nice to his Toys and treated them well, in comparison to some of the other giants he had witnessed. So perhaps not all the giants were cruel and heartless people. But nevertheless, even Andy had been unaware of his Toys' sentience and feelings, so in his own unthinking way was just as bad as the rest of his species. Even so, Buzz had not seen any way to change things for Toys in a major way, and couldn't seem to convince his own friends that their relationship with Andy might be better off if he was more aware of what they were capable of, so had no choice but to try and repair his ship so he could get back to HQ and deliver the stolen plans before Zurg's superweapon could be unleashed on a defenseless galaxy. He promised himself he would make a full report on the state of the planet once he got back to Star Command and strongly recommend they intervene in favor of the Toys. Policy of noninterference and Prime Directive be damned, some things were too horrible and absolutely should not be tolerated from a so-called 'civilized' society. (Imagine what might happen if the giants should ever achieve space travel!)

To maintain that same directive, however, he pretended for a time that he was one of them, just another Toy, to provide cover while he tried to repair his ship. Unfortunately, he had been unable to fix it by himself, and circumstances forced him to tell the truth to his friends and enlist their help in fixing the vessel, which, amazingly, they did, using a fascinating material called 'duct tape'. (When the LGMs back at HQ examined it, they pronounced it to be the strongest bonding agent in the universe.) He promptly left, telling them he may one day return, if circumstances allowed it, wishing them the best. He had made it back home, given his full report, and helped in the subsequent mission to destroy Zurg's new weapon. He had also strongly recommended intervention on the planet of the Toys, but Commander Nebula had said this was more of a political thing than he cared to touch, (Space Rangers were basically just police after all, and while they weren't officially taking orders from any government and could punish individual lawbreakers freely, who were they to force the population of an entire world to adhere to their particular morals and laws without just cause, no matter how loathsome and repellent the current state of that world?) and handed it over to the Interspecies Union for deliberation. Said Union still had not come up with a solid decision as what to do with this planet of giants. Damn bureaucrats. In the interim, that entire system had been declared dangerous and off-limits, which naturally piqued Zurg's interest, so a full blockade had been set up around that system to keep him or any other entrepreneurial individual from getting in and exploiting (or worse, getting exploited by) the populace of the planet of the Toy-making giants. Buzz, being who he was, naturally had clearance to pass the blockade, and had many times planned to go back to see his Toy friends, but as mentioned before, something always came up.

Something Buzz had also, reluctantly, considered after many hours of agonizing guilt and second-guessing of his own actions on the planet was that perhaps things as they were on that world really were the best the Toys could expect from their masters at the moment. It had never been spoken outright by the Toys, but from what little Buzz had managed to glean from the culture of the giants told him that these monsters probably would not be very happy to learn that an intelligent species had been living on the same world as them, literally right under their feet, watching them as they went about their day-to-day business and learned their deepest and darkest secrets. Everything Buzz had seen suggested that the majority of the giants would be completely shocked and enraged by this, and could reply with a horrific genocide and total extinction of the Toy race. Perhaps that, more than anything, was the true reason that Toys were subservient to the giants, why they played dead and pretended they were inanimate objects whenever their masters were in the room. While there were more Toys than giants, the giants were much bigger, more powerful, and controlled the means by which the Toys were produced, repaired, and even destroyed. Buzz personally was a believer of the 'Better to die on your feet than live on your knees' philosophy, but admitted that there was still a lot to be said for the 'Better to live as a slave than to have no life at all' school of thought. That didn't mean he didn't want to change things for the better for his Toy friends and the rest of their kind, but really wasn't sure how to go about it. He was just one man, and while he knew from experience how much difference one man could make, he was just as aware of how very big the giants were and how very small and helpless he was in comparison. He wanted to do _something;_ he just didn't know what that something was, especially if that something were to remain within his code of ethics and Space Ranger protocol. (Not that he wasn't aware the rules occasionally had to be broken, but he was equally aware that they were made for a reason and since he lived by them he had to respect that.)

But, regardless of all that doubt and red tape and nights of wondering, 'What else could I have done?', his good friend Woody, one of his greatest allies on the planet of the giants, had somehow made it to this wedding. And Nervous Rex, too. Were any of his other friends here, too? And if so, how had they made it off-world, away from their giant masters?

"How did you guys make it off-world away from your giant masters, anyway? Er, by which I mean Andy?" Buzz asked.

"Well, that's kind of a funny story…" Woody said, adjusting his hat.

"It was space pirates, Buzz!" Rex yelled, waving his tiny arms frantically. "SPACE PIRATES!"

Buzz blinked and glanced at Woody. "Space pirates, huh?"

"Yeah…like I said, it's sort of a long story…" Woody was interrupted by a horrendous shriek, and the trio realized that during their reminiscence they had been surrounded by a large group of vicious Unseelie. Rex screamed and tried to cover his eyes with his hands, but they didn't quite reach. "One that'll have to wait for later!" Woody quickly drew and reloaded his guns.

"Well, I'll be more than happy to hear it…after we get out of this!" Buzz said, tensing himself for the next struggle.

"Just like old times, huh partner?" Woody joked. He twirled his six-shooters and aimed them at the monsters surrounding them.

"Definitely! Let's round 'em up, cowboy!" Buzz said, leaping into action. Woody followed, and Rex reluctantly joined in. Now that Sheriff Woody and Buzz Lightyear were back together, no force in the universe was going to tear them apart, not even a bunch of ravenous Unseelie!

At that same moment…

"Protect the Sultan!" Razoul roared, slashing madly with his scimitar, rending any Unseelie foolish enough to attack him to pieces.

"Protect the Sultan!" the other royal guards echoed, doing their best to fulfill their sworn duty, although they weren't quite as zealous (or successful) in it as Razoul.

"Oh my…this is most distressing," said the worried Sultan, trying his best not to get in the way of his protectors. He was, quite naturally, very worried about his daughter's fate. "I hope Jasmine is all right…wherever she is…"

"This is just great," Aladdin spat, fending off some more Unseelie with his own scimitar, trying to protect himself and the Sultan. "Jasmine's gone, Genie's gone, and even Abu got taken! That creep even took Sora and his friends out! Ugh!" He knocked one of the Unseelie into the air with his blade, and then leaped up to hit it with an aerial V-slash, tearing it to pieces. He then landed and swung his scimitar in a 360 degree arc, eviscerating the monsters surrounding him, only to watch in dismay as a dozen more crowded in to take their place. "I have to save them…but how can I do that if I can't even beat these things?!"

"Perhaps I can lend some assistance?" a familiar high, thin, geeky voice offered. "Attack them, my mechanical minions! Give them no respite!"

The Unseelie paused in their assault and turned their sharp claws on themselves, scratching frantically at the thousands of tiny robotic fleas biting into their skin. "Quick, attack them while they're distracted!" Razoul bellowed, decapitating one of the scratching monsters with a single lop from his scimitar. The other royal guards took his initiative and quickly dispatched the remaining monsters, earning them a brief respite. The fleas, too small to have been damaged (much) by the scimitar swings, fell to the ground and regrouped in a large enough mass to make them visible to the much larger humans.

"Excellent work, my dear creations!" Mechanicles cooed from atop a flying mechanical beetle affectionately named 'Scooter'. "I knew you would be some of my most useful inventions!"

"Mechanicles! Why did you help us?" asked Aladdin. "Is this one of those, 'I'm only saving you because I want to kill you myself' things? Or did you think that by rescuing us you could build up some credit with the Sultan, since everyone knows how fascinated he is by mechanical things like your bugs?"

"I am indeed," the Sultan added helpfully. "Fascinated, that is."

"Hmm? Oh, no, don't be silly," Mechanicles scoffed as Scooter landed. The genius hopped off and began examining the ground the Unseelies had been standing on with his expandable monocle. He then examined the clothes of all the guards, the Sultan, and Aladdin himself, ignoring Razoul's threatening growls as he did so. The Geek (GREEK! GREEK!) scowled, retracted his monocle, pulled out a spritzer and washcloth, and sprayed Razoul in the face. The enormous guard howled in pain and clutched his face as the chemicals burned at his eyes, allowing Mechanicles to spray and wipe off some of the luminescent residue left from all the Unseelie Razoul had killed which was staining his uniform. "I did it because those awful AWFUL creatures leave such an unsightly mess when they're destroyed! And you know how I can't TOLERATE filth!"

"Um…yeah, I guess that's true," Aladdin said, not sure how to respond as Mechanicles began cleaning the former thief's vest and totally violating his personal space. "Um, so, does this mean you'll help us destroy the rest of them?"

"Hmm? Oh, I suppose I might as well," Mechanicles said with a sigh as he started eliminating the goo splattered here and there on the Sultan's regal clothes, something the plump little monarch was quite pleased with. "My fleas could probably help. It's what I originally designed them for, you know."

"Killing Unseelie?" asked a confused Razoul.

"No, cleaning!" Mechanicles said, as if it were obvious. "I made them tiny so that they could assault dirt at the lowest level! Did you know that there's all sorts of microscopic bacteria, germs, and other organisms crawling on your very skin at this moment, carrying who knows what sorts of diseases?!" Alarmed, Razoul began examining his skin with no little worry, frightened, as were the other guards, at the thought of billions of tiny monsters living on his body. "I constructed my fleas to kill those horrible little creatures and make the world a cleaner place. They're out to get me, you know."

The guards, Sultan, and Aladdin looked at each other in confusion. "The…fleas?" Aladdin asked slowly.

"No, you imbecile!" Mechanicles snapped, spitting saliva in Aladdin's face, pausing to considerately clean it off with his washcloth. "The bacteria! They're out to get me! So I had to build my army of fleas to help protect me, you see. It's only incidental that they happen to be an excellent way to attack and incapacitate much larger threats as well."

"Ah…I…see…" Razoul said slowly, catching Aladdin's eye and making a 'this guy's crazy' gesture with his finger. Aladdin nodded in agreement.

"I say," said Sultan, getting rather enthusiastic. "I don't suppose you have any of your other fascinating contraptions here to assist us, do you?" As had been mentioned previously, even though Mechanicles' inventions were extremely dangerous and had tried to destroy his kingdom on numerous occasions, the Sultan could not help but be enamored by them. He was always a sucker for mechanical toys.

Mechanicles smirked and folded his arms. There was a horrible death shriek nearby as a large group of Unseelie was obliterated by a blast from a giant fire-breathing robot centipede. Another group was eviscerated by a giant robot praying mantis. And a giant robot scorpion was ripping two giant Unseelie apart with its pincer claws while spearing others with its giant barbed tail. "That answer your question?"

Not too far away…

Duke Igthorn cackled evilly as his horde of ogres eagerly smashed any Unseelie that got in their way to glowing particles and residue. "Mwahahahahaha! I don't need any magic or Gummi berries to defeat these fiends!" He sobered, depressed. "If only my dear Lady Bane could be here to see my victory…if only that dastardly Oberon hadn't spirited her away with the others!"

"Don't worry, my Dukieness," Igthorn's loyal minion, Toady, a rather runty (but smarter than most) ogre said optimistically. "I'm sure she'll be very impressed once she gets back, especially if we rescue her ourselves!"

"Do you think so, Toady?" Igthorn asked hopefully.

"Of course, Your Meanness!" Toady said loyally, even though deep down he rather doubted it.

"In that case…charge, my ogres!" Igthorn bellowed. "Let no Unseelie remain standing, in the name of Lady Bane! And, uh, my name too."

"Yes, Dukie!" the ogres bellowed back.

"They're already doing their best not to leave any Unseelie standing," Toady pointed out.

"I'm aware of that," Igthorn growled.

Nearby…

King Richard slew another Unseelie with his sword and looked around. "Where's my brother?!" he growled in frustration.

"I believe he was abducted by Oberon, Your Majesty," Robin Hood told him, sighting along his bow before firing an arrow which skewered ten Unseelie in a row right through the eyes, killing them instantly.

"Dammit!" Richard growled, beheading a giant Unseelie. "That scoundrel's going to pay for this! We have to get Prince John back!"

This startled Robin and the other Merry Men. "Wh-what?!" Robin cried in alarm. "But…Your Majesty, _why?!_ He usurped your kingdom out from under your nose, has made the lives of your subjects miserable with excessive taxation and unfair laws, and even allied with the Heartless to keep you from your place on the throne! Why in Heaven's name would you want to _rescue_ him?!"

"Because he's my brother, of course!" the royal lion said, as if it were obvious. "If anyone's going to kill him, it should be me! Therefore, we can't let anyone else kill him before I do!"

"Oh…I see…how silly of me…" Robin said quietly, glancing anxiously at his Merry Men. The poorly-named Little John, actually a rather large brown bear, made a 'he's crazy' gesture with his finger. Robin's growing doubts about King Richard's eligibility to lead England deepened.

Close by…

The delegation from the Land of Dragons was currently under attack, the Imperial soldiers doing their best to repel the enemy and protect the venerable and ancient Emperor. "Mulan, are you all right?" Shang cried over the shrieks of various Unseelie as he clashed his blade with their claws.

"I'm fine!" Mulan, some distance away, called back as she fended off a number of monsters with her family sword. "But Mushu isn't! We need to find some way to get him back, the spirits of my ancestors would be very displeased by the loss of a guardian spirit which has been in our family for as long as Mushu has!"

Meanwhile, in China…

"Whoooo! Mushu's gone!" one of the spirits of Mulan's ancestors whooped joyously.

"Let's celebrate!" cried another.

"Par-tay! Par-tay! Par-tay!" cheered the youngest spirits as they rolled out the latest supply of alcohol ritually given to them by their living descendants.

The antenna of Cri-Ki the cricket, gong ringer of the Fa family shrine, drooped sadly at the thought that his dragon friend might be gone for good…until he learned that since Mushu was gone, there was now an opening in the ranks of the family guardian spirits, meaning he might get a promotion. This possibility cheered him up immensely, so he drank with the other spirits, toasting Mushu's memory…though the others seemed more interested in getting drunk or making fun of the little dragon for his scrawniness and various failings than honoring his triumphs and positive qualities. Jerks.

Back at the chapel…

"Protect your Emperor!" Kuzco howled to his guards from underneath a pew. "I'll just…wait here. Where it's safe." The guards, currently busy fending off the Unseelie, could only grunt in reply.

"Hi," Kronk, also hiding underneath the pew, said to Kuzco, startling the emperor and causing him to hit his head against the underside of the hard bench. "Whoops, sorry! Sorry! Um, that's not a capital offense or anything, is it?"

"No," Kuzco growled, rubbing his sore head while glaring hatefully at Kronk. "Though right now I'm thinking of making it one."

"Oh, that's neat," Kronk said, not really hearing Kuzco's not-so-veiled threat. "So, how are things going for you?"

"…Kronk, why are you hiding under the same pew as me?"

Kronk pouted. "Well, Yzma's gone, so I don't have anywhere else to go. Can you let me stay with you? For a little while? Pleeeease?" He offered the emperor his most hopeful and pleading expression. "I promise I won't make a mess. I'm a great cook, don't take up much space, am always good for a laugh…"

Kuzco rolled his eyes. "Uh, fine, I guess."

"Yay!" Kronk hugged Kuzco happily, causing the emperor to squawk in astonishment. "Oh boy, this is going to be so much fun, like being roommates at college all over again! We can swap dates, watch cheesy old movies, stay up late and tell each other scary stories (not too scary, though, I kind of have a bed-wetting problem), and in the morning I'll make waffles!" He gave a sunny grin to Kuzco. Kuzco stared. Kronk grinned. Kuzco stared. "Did you know I can talk to squirrels?"

Kuzco groaned and held his face in his hands. "Gods above and below, what did I do to deserve this?"

Somewhat distant from that location…

Scrooge McDuck and Flintheart Glomgold were not the only wealthy businessmen forced to deal with the Unseelie. Waternoose and Shere Khan were among those under attack as well. Waternoose was well-protected thanks to the sheer brute force of his monster bodyguards, and Khan seemed to be doing well also, due to his bodyguards' experience and skill. However, none of their skill or experience prepared them for the sheer horror and senseless brutality that was Cruella DeVille's end. Being utterly defenseless, the fashion designer had been easy pickings for Oberon's cruel minions; after chasing her in a game of cat-and-mouse around the chapel to tire her out to the point of exhaustion, they had struck, tackling her to the ground, shredding her clothes off, and cutting open her body while she still lived. They had removed every organ and bone from her body then cut open the rest of her skin and hung it over one of their own like some disgusting humanskin cloak, a perverted version of the sort of thing Cruella herself had often had made out of hundreds of helpless animals. In a fitting twist of irony, Cruella, butcher of animal rights (and flesh) and fashion mogul, had become just the sort of outfit she might have considered endorsing for next year's fall line.

Watching an Unseelie parade around in Cruella's skin, her limp limbs flailing about as her stretched-out, hollow-eyed face looked up at the ceiling, while other Unseelie festooned themselves in the woman's bones and organs (though some preferred just to eat those and be done with it), was too much even for the experienced and hardened bodyguards to handle. "Screw this," one of them said, stumbling back before turning and running away. "You don't pay me enough for this shit! I quit!"

"So do we!" Khan's other guards yelled, running away frantically.

"What?! Come back here! What do you fools think you're doing?!" Shere Khan snarled, eyes flashing and nostrils flaring in rage. "Come back here!" They could not, the Unseelie quickly caught up to them and tore them to pieces, while another mob swiftly closed in around Shere Khan, trapping him in a circle and blocking off the agonizing screams and grisly sight of his ex-bodyguards' death. The tiger sighed in exasperation. "I suppose that old saying is true…good help really is so hard to find these days. No matter how expensive the help you already have is!" He looked around him, coolly assessing the ravenous monsters surrounding him, a number of giants along with a few dozen regular-sized Unseelie. They shrieked and clawed at the air, attempting to intimidate him and elicit some panicked response which would signal them to strike. Khan gave them no such response, merely gazed at them with the cold, calculating look of a killer, a natural predator completely in control of his element. The Unseelie, rather unsettled by this look, grew quiet and still, uncertain what to do next. They suddenly were not sure they should have tried to attack this man.

Shere Khan grinned, revealing his many fangs. "Another saying comes to mind," he said conversationally to the quiet and disturbed Unseelie. He reached up and undid one of his cufflinks. The expensive metal jewelry fell off his wrist and hit the ground with surprising force and speed, leaving a deep dent. He undid his other cufflink, which hit the ground with equal force and left a similar dent. The Unseelie started, looking at the small, but clearly very heavy cufflinks, in amazement. They started again when Khan's watch joined the cufflinks, making an even bigger dent. "If you want something done…" Fingers moving swiftly, Khan undid the buttons on his dress jacket and casually shrugged it off. It fell rapidly to the ground and hit it with a loud thud, cracking the floor and causing it to buckle slightly. "And done right…" He wrenched off his tie and the diamond pin set in it and hurled both in opposite directions. The pin flew through the air and pierced an Unseelie between the eyes, causing it to keel over and die, while the tie landed on another Unseelie's head, dragging it down to the ground and snapping its neck due to its incredible weight. The Unseelies shrieked in alarm and writhed in shock as the tiger then pulled off his dress shirt and casually threw it at a giant Unseelie. The incredibly heavy garment caught the monster in the chest and toppled it over, causing it to crush a number of its smaller fellows beneath its weight before it, too, disintegrated under the pressure of the shirt lying on its chest. "Then you have to do it yourself." Shere Khan stretched his arms, revealing lean, extremely well-built muscles in his limbs and torso. His natural tiger stripes were intermixed with black stripe tattoos forming interesting patterns across his orange and white fur. Khan tensed his muscles, feeling a gratifying sense of release and phenomenal strength now that he was no longer wearing weighted clothes to limit his power. He flexed his fingers, causing claws to sprout from their tips. The businessman crossed his arms and grinned at the startled Unseelie, a very feline and predatory grin. The same kind of grin Shaga would give to his prey before devouring them. "So," he asked with a calmness that did not match the eager fire in his eyes. "Which of you shall be first to taste the wrath of the Tiger?"

Across the room, another guest was taking out his pent-up aggression on the Unseelie. The evil fairies had assumed that Prince Adam, a lone human with but a single sword and no guards, would be easy pickings. They were wrong. Adam fought with a level of power, rage and ferocity that far outstripped his meager human form, a ferocity that could only come from one who has lived as a beast and still has quite a bit of that savage and untamed fury burning within him. Adam took out all that bestial anger on the Unseelie with shocking brutality, crushing skulls, snapping necks with a single hand, even tearing off arms and stabbing Unseelie to death with their own claws. And that was just without his sword! When he deigned to use his blade…even the giants trembled in fear and tried to run. Adam would have none of it. He slew any Unseelie that caught his eye with an insane berserk frenzy totally at odds with the eerie predatory calm which Shere Khan exuded while slaughtering the Unseelie foolish enough to challenge him, a fury that would certainly have impressed even the legendarily fearsome Lunar Diviner Saix of Organization XIII.

They had taken Belle from him, again. And the bastards responsible for it would feel the wrath of the Beast until she was returned to him. No Unseelie would escape his vengeance. Howling at the top of his lungs, covered from head to toe in glowing ichor, Adam viciously continued to kill.

The Unseelie were finding themselves similarly outmatched when throwing themselves against the ranks of the legendary Royal Knights of the Digital World. Their power, derived from computer programming rather than magic, was at full capacity. The Unseelie didn't stand a chance.

"Ulforce Saber!" UlforceVeedramon called, using the lightsabers extending from his V-shaped bracelets to rip through a giant. "Ray of Victory!" The dragon knight fired a beam which enveloped and obliterated all the enemies before him from the V-shaped armor crest on his chest. "V stands for Victory!" he boasted, making a pose while spreading the fingers on one hand in a V-shape.

"Supreme Cannon!" Omnimon fired powerful missiles from the jaws of his wolf-shaped hand, destroying a swarm of flying Unseelie. "Transcendent Sword!" His cape flying dramatically behind him, he cleaved through a score of giants charging at him, using a rune-covered sword protruding from his dinosaur-shaped hand to slay his foes. "I shall destroy all who threaten the innocent!"

"End Waltz!" Craniummon spun about while extending his spear Claimoh Solais, generating a shockwave which destroyed all the enemies around him. When still more charged in to replace the ones he had just defeated, he raised the holy shield Avalon on his arm. "God Breath!" A dome-shaped force field shot up around him, deflecting the Unseelie as they leaped towards him, causing them to fall stunned back to the ground and knock over the monsters behind them, making them easy pickings for another attack from Craniummon's spear. "You are no match for the Royal Knights!"

"Scarlet Tempest!" Twirling about, Crusadermon generated a whirlwind of razor-sharp rose petals which would have made Marluxia proud as they shredded any Unseelie unlucky enough to get caught up and tossed about by the storm. Some of the more resilient giants managed to survive, however, and began falling back towards the ground from where the whirlwind had lifted them up. Unwilling to let such a travesty occur, Crusadermon leaped into the air, flying towards the falling giants. "Spiral Masquerade!" She sped from giant to giant, slicing them up with the razor-sharp ribbons on her armor, striking them again and again until they exploded and only one was left, still hurtling towards the ground. Swiftly dropping to the floor before the giant could hit, Crusadermon ran over and spiked the plummeting Unseelie, knocking it back up into the air. She then jumped up after it, drawing back her right fist, the Pile Bunker shield clicking into place over her hand. "Fist of Athena!" With a powerful punch, she sent the giant Unseelie flying, smashing through a flock of flying monsters and colliding with a group of more giants coming towards the knights, the collision triggering an explosion which wiped all of them out. Crusadermon drew forth a rose and posed with it, considering her handiwork. "Ah…most beautiful…much like myself, naturally."

The leopard-armored Duftmon, whose name had the misfortune of being German for 'scent' (something which his colleagues ribbed him about to no end), was doing very well against the Unseelies, especially since nobody was making fun of his name at the moment. "Extinction!" He lashed out with his rapier, creating a highly-charged destructive shock wave which rushed out across the floor, destroying every Unseelie in its path. He followed that up with his other attack, "Earnest Resistance!" in which he charged his rapier with a dark aura and fired a powerful energy blast at the enemies coming towards him, wiping them out. "Huh, what do you guys think I smell like now? I say I smell…like victory!"

"Then victory must smell like old cheese," commented Dynasmon as he flew overhead.

Duftmon flinched. "Dammit!"

The dragon-winged knight flew to intercept a group of aerial Unseelie. "You shall not harm any innocents on my watch, fiends!" He grabbed the lead monster as it dove towards him, claws out, catching it by the wrists. He kicked it in the chest, flipped it over, and then hurled it at the rest of its flock, knocking a few of the other Unseelie out of the air. Dynasmon dove towards one of the few survivors, hitting it hard in the back with a kick. As it cried out shrilly in pain and alarm, the mighty Digimon grabbed its wings and, with very little exertion, managed to tear them off completely, causing the Unseelie to scream in agony as it plummeted towards the ground. Another flock swarmed around him, circling and striking at him repeatedly with their claws. However, their feeble attacks could not penetrate his thick armor, and Dynasmon was able to easily dispatch the beasts with crushing blows. The luminescent particles formed by the Unseelies' destruction collected around the jewels in his palms and congealed into two large balls of energy in his hands, one red and the other blue. When the swarm was dead, their energy absorbed in his hands and filling both balls to maximum capacity, Dynasmon crossed his arms, spun about, and then hurled the two orbs of collected energy at the next flock of winged monsters coming at him. "Dragon Thrower!" Taking the form of wingless dragon heads, the red and blue blasts streaked across the air away from Dynasmon and struck the leader of the Unseelie flock, destroying it in an explosion which vaporized the rest of the flyers. Dynasmon nodded, pleased with his work, and then noticed trouble for some of the other fighters in the room. From his vantage point in the air, he could see that the soldiers from the Land of Dragons were completely outnumbered and surrounded by a large pack of Unseelie giants eager to pulverize them, so he decided to help them out. It was only his knightly duty, after all. "Breath…" He began gathering power, an off-white aura forming around him. "Of…" He crossed his arms and pulled his knees up, bending his head down and curling his body tighter. "WYVERN!" Pupils contracting, he uncurled violently, mouth opened wide, the aura around him flowing into his mouth then blasting out in a tremendously destructive energy blast taking the form of a gigantic three-eyed purple-white dragon. The energy dragon flew in a circle as it neared the ground, engulfing the Unseelie harrowing the Chinese soldiers in purple-white flames and causing them to writhe in pain, finishing them off with a series of terrific explosions. Dynasmon's heart swelled as the warriors cheered, shouting gratitude as he swooped over them and headed back to the other Knights…

Whereupon Duftmon snidely said, "_I_ smell, huh? Ever heard of a breath mint, O great Wyvern Knight?" Dynasmon glared at him and made a note to speak to Alphamon about dismissing the leopard warrior and replacing him with a knight who didn't have such a stupid name. Or bad attitude.

While Dynasmon fumed, Sleipmon galloped through the ranks of the Unseelie hoard, crushing any that got in his way beneath his six powerful hooves. Gallantmon, who for some reason was riding on the centaur's back, lashed out with lance and shield, slaying the winged Unseelie which tried to get them from behind and the other monsters which tried to dodge to the side, out of Sleipmon's path. Spotting a giant off in the distance grappling with what looked like a bizarre cross between a wiener dog and a Slinky, Sleipmon sighted along his holy crossbow Muspelheim, intending to lend the bizarre creature a hand. "Bifrost!" A flaming arrow shot from his crossbow, striking the giant between the eyes and exploding, ripping its head off and causing the Unseelie to vaporize, freeing the Slinky-hound, who quickly pulled himself back together and shambled off to find another opponent. What a strange dog… "Gallantmon, why are you riding on my back again?"

"Hold that thought. Lightning Joust!" A powerful blue energy ball shot out from the tip of Gallantmon's lance, Gram, and obliterated a wave of attackers harrowing Emperor Kuzco's defenders. "Because knights traditionally ride war-steeds into battle, and Gallantmon is supposed to ride a crimson steed. You're the only crimson steed around at the moment, so you'll have to serve as mine for the duration of this battle."

"…Don't you already_ have_ a steed?! One that flies, and _isn't_ me?!" Sleipmon protested, before noticing Captain Basch and his temporarily combined forces from Ivalice were in a spot of trouble. "Odin's Breath!" A blizzard shot out of his holy shield Niflheim, engulfing the Unseelie in ice and allowing the soldiers to shatter them easily.

"I do," Gallantmon agreed. "Except that, since we're sort of sealed into this chapel at the moment, I can't call him. So…you're all I have to work with for the time being. Sorry. Shield of the Just!" He fired an extremely powerful energy beam from his shield, Aegis, which wiped out a bunch of giants getting awfully close to penetrating the line of defenders around the petrified Gargoyles.

Sleipmon fumed for a moment as he continued his stampede through the enemy forces. "Next time, _you_ get to be the steed," he grumbled under his breath.

Magnamon was not doing nearly so well with his opponents. "Now, I-I may not look it, but I'm a very powerful Royal Knight!" he told the several dozen giants, avians, and regular Unseelie surrounding him. "Really!" They didn't look like they believed him. Not much of a surprise, really, considering he was naked, unarmored, and wearing a barrel. "I'll prove it! Magna Blaster!" Nothing happened. "Magna Explosion!" Still nothing happened. He laughed anxiously. "Oh, right…need my armor for those…um…well, I can still do my MAGNA PUNCH!" He tried to punch the nearest Unseelie with one hand while still keeping a grip on his barrel with the other. Unsurprisingly, this meant his punch had little to no force behind it since he was too busy trying to keep from losing his balance or his grip on the barrel, and didn't even push the Unseelie back. The evil fairy was not pleased to be touched by such a disgusting and pitiful creature, however, so angrily lashed out with its claws, striking Magnamon's barrel. Wailing, Magnamon stumbled and fell backwards, the damaged rinds of the barrel splitting open and causing the planks to fall apart, revealing a nude Magnamon in all his uncensored glory. The Unseelie took one look at him, shrieked in alarm, and either warped away or disintegrated from pure fright. Magnamon blinked and looked over himself. "What…I'm not _that_ bad-looking, am I?"

Alphamon, in contrast, was doing very well indeed. "Digitalize of Soul!" he roared, firing green energy beams from his hands and obliterating the thousand shrieking winged Unseelie swarming around him high above the chapel floor. Spreading his metal wings, he swooped down and landed in the middle of a pack of fifty giant Unseelie struggling against Mechanicles' robot insects. "Holy Sword Grade Alpha!" Summoning a sword of pure energy, he lashed out at the giants as they turned to face them, wiping out forty of them with a single blow, the other ten easily dispatched by the robots.

That crisis dealt with, he leaped back into the air and flew over to Magnamon, who had managed to reassemble his barrel but now found himself on the run from about two hundred Unseelie of mixed types apparently angry that Magnamon had been so vulgar as to flash their brethren just a few minutes ago. "Alphamon, sir, help meeeee!"

Alphamon had every intention of doing just that. He landed gracefully before the horde, Magnamon running around and cowering behind him. The Unseelie, not bothered in the least, continued to charge at the leader and unquestionably most powerful member of the Royal Knights and his rather pathetic underling. Alphamon flexed his arms, charging up to full power (or close to it, anyway), causing his armor to glow radiantly. His wings extended, real feathers growing from them and more sprouting from his back. He made a series of complex gestures with his green-glowing left hand, a long object made of energy beginning to form in the air. In moments, it coalesced and transformed into a giant and incredibly ornate multi-bladed sword (Or was it a halberd? Glaive? Spear? Hard to tell), which he was forced to heft in two hands as he raised it into the air. _**"Ultimate War Blade King Dragon Sword!"**_ he bellowed, releasing an incredibly powerful series of slashes which not only completely wiped out the Unseelies charging at them, but the ones bothering everyone nearby as well, and the ones somewhat further away, and a lot of the ones in the air, and…well, almost every monster in the room, actually. Panting, Alphamon's sword-like weapon vanished and his armor reverted to its normal state, rather winded from the amount of energy he had to expend to use that ultimate attack. "You're safe now, Magnamon."

"Yes, sir," said the awed barrel-clad warrior. "Thank you very much, sir!"

"Sir?"

Alphamon turned to see the other eight Royal Knights walking towards him, weird expressions on their faces. "Yes, what is it?"

"Ah…I don't mean to disparage your techniques at all," Omnimon said hurriedly. "But…ah…"

Alphamon glared at his second in command. "Out with it! What's wrong?"

"Wellll…" Omnimon fidgeted with his hands, which was rather incredible considering he didn't really have any. "We just think…"

"That your attack name's kind of, well…" UlforceVeedramon drew out.

"Tacky," Crusadermon said, sniffing her rose.

Alphamon stared at them, his loyal friends and comrades in arms. "Tacky."

"Yes, much like Duftmon," Dynasmon offered as an example.

"HEY!" the poorly-named knight in question roared angrily.

"My attack name is tacky," Alphamon repeated, deadpan.

"Precisely," Crusadermon said.

"And too long," added Sleipmon.

"Yes, it is rather long," Gallantmon agreed. "I mean, six words? Nine syllables? I think there might be some regulation stating that Royal Knights' attacks have to be shorter than that."

"Such a long attack name is difficult for fans and followers of the Royal Knights to recall," Craniummon pointed out. "So for their sake, and to keep it from having to be written out over and over again in records of our battles, we think it should be changed."

"The name of my attack, my strongest attack which wiped out most of the Unseelie in this room and may have saved countless lives, is tacky and too long and needs to be changed," Alphamon repeated flatly.

"Exactly!" UlforceVeedramon said enthusiastically. "I knew you'd understand."

"Yes, that's why he's our leader," Omnimon agreed. "He's very wise and learned from all his years of fighting."

"While we're on the topic of changing your attack name, sir," Duftmon said hopefully. "Do you think we could do something about my name, too? So people will stop making fun of it?"

"It'll take more than changing your name to fix that," Dynasmon scoffed. "A shower might help too."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Duftmon roared. "At least I can give speeches without people running from the room!"

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with my speeches!" Dynasmon said indignantly.

"Yes, other than the fact that they lack any coherence whatsoever and ramble endlessly for hours and hours!" Duftmon retorted.

Dynasmon bristled. "Those are fighting words, boy!"

"You bet they are!" Duftmon shot back.

The two began bickering, while the other knights either watching in interest or taking bets on who would deliver the first blow, and which of the two might win if and when it came to fisticuffs. Alphamon put his face in his hands. Magnamon tugged on his leader's cape. "Oh, Alphamon sir, that reminds me, can you tutor me? I'm trying to get into ElDoradimon University, but I could use a little help passing the entry exams, which I keep failing for some reason…oh, and my barrel broke again, do you think you could help me fix it, and…Alphamon, sir, why are you crying?"

It was at that moment that, in a great flash of light, thousands of more Unseelie poured into the room, replenishing the ones Alphamon had destroyed and forcing everyone into pitched combat once more. Naturally frightened by this, Don Chocobo squawked nervously, flapping his scrawny wings and sending droplets of sweat and feathers everywhere. His Moogle defenders formed a tight ring around him to prevent the Unseelie from getting close to their boss, but they just kept coming, no matter how many monsters the Moogles knocked down. "Mogrika, doll!" Montblanc called to one of his agents as he skewered a giant Unseelie on his Zodiac spear, twirling it about to throw the giant onto a pack of smaller monsters, crushing them before the giant itself died. "Have youse gotten inta contact with the mothership, kupo?"

Mogrika, standing close to the frantic Don Chocobo, shook her head anxiously. "Sorry, Mistah M, I can't get through! The barrier that joik Oberon put up's blockin' our communication feed, kupo! We can't get woid up to our ships to send down reinforcements, _or_ beam up the boss! I'm sorry, Don…kupopo!" Don Chocobo moaned and clucked in despair.

"Don't worry, Don Chocobo," Montblanc assured his superior. "We're not gonna let anything happen to youse. Kupo!" He impaled an Unseelie lunging at him on his spear, twirled the spear about and rammed it point-first into the ground, taking the monster with it. He planted his foot on the thing's chest, ripped his spear out, and then smashed its face in with his other foot. "Stinkin' Unseelie," he spat. "Oberon's gonna regret this! He went and pissed off the wrong fairies, kupo!"

"You said it, kupo!" agreed Mogrich, carving up an Unseelie's chest with his Kaiser Knuckle claws.

"None of them's gettin' through, kupo!" shouted Molulu, lashing out with her whip Save the Don.

"Piece o' Kupo Nut, kupo!" boasted Mogsy, smashing skulls and breaking bones with his Whale Whisker pole.

"For the Trade Federation!" rallied Cosmog, hurling an orichalcum-edged chakram through the ranks of the Unseelie, decapitating several and dismembering quite a few limbs.

"Ha! Die, die!" roared the mighty Mogwin, smashing Unseelie heads with his Scorpion Tail axe and Grand Mace.

"Waaaahhhh! Help me, kupo!" Mugmug, his broken sword (which, Montblanc noted with both distaste and a hint of pride, was _not_ Moogle-made) flailing, shrieked from the grip of an especially large and resilient giant Unseelie. The beast was holding him in the air by his antenna before its face, making it hard for the Moogles carrying bows, crossbows, or guns to hit the monster without possibly shooting Mugmug too.

"Kupo! Hang on, I've got this!" Montblanc yelled, warning his subordinates to get out of the way as he charged towards the giant. With a great cry, he drove his Zodiac spear into the Unseelie's knee, causing it to roar in agony and fling its arms out, nearly dropping the wailing Mugmug in the process. Montblanc jumped onto the shaft of his spear, causing the Unseelie to howl again as he used it as a springboard to bounce higher into the air, his little purple wings flapping frantically to give him altitude. The giant looked up, blinking dully as Montblanc soared above it, then began shooting down towards its head feet-first. The Moogle landed a powerful kick to the beast's forehead, causing it to groan and stumble back a few feet while Montblanc got a grip on the giant's glowing skin, wound back his right arm, then shot out and grabbed the beast's left eye, wrenching it out of its socket with a sickening tear. The giant bellowed in agony, only to be shut up when Montblanc shoved the eye he had pulled out into the beast's mouth. He leaped off the creature's head as its free hand swung up to get him, causing the monster to smack itself in the face. Montblanc landed on the Unseelie's shoulder and quickly ran down the length of its arm to the beast's closed fist. While the monster was recoiling from the blow it had inflicted on itself, Montblanc was easily able to pry open the Unseelie's claw and release poor Mugmug, who landed hard on his rump, discarded his broken sword, and quickly scurried back to safety with the rest of the Moogle enclave. Montblanc dropped from the Unseelie's arm, grabbed his spear and tore it out of the monster's knee, then swung it sideways, knocking the giant off its feet and causing it to begin toppling down towards him…

Impaling itself right on Montblanc's spear. The monster shrieked as the spear's sharp blade ripped through its back, and promptly vaporized. The other Unseelie stared at Montblanc in horror as he calmly wiped his spear tip on the ground and slowly backed away from him and the other Moogles, whom they had clearly underestimated. Montblanc rested his spear's butt on the ground, reached up, pulled off his sunglasses, and glared at the evil fairies through his squinty eyes. "Never touch the pompom, kupo."

Meanwhile…

The group from Radiant Garden was fighting with all their might against the Unseelie. "Cid!" Leon yelled over the death shrieks of the Unseelie giant he had just cleaved in two with his Gunblade. "I think this is it!"

"You mean…" the aged pilot said, twirling his spear to knock away a few Unseelie.

Leon nodded, pulling out a strange-looking bronze-plated cell phone. "That's right! It's time to take it to the next level…to see if everything we've worked and trained for has been enough!" He gave a fierce grin. "It's time to show Sora he's not the only hero in this universe…"

"Um, I think he already knows about that…" Tifa pointed out while smashing a giant's face in with her powerful fists, but Leon ignored her, flipped open his cell phone, and began dialing a sequence of numbers.

"W-wait, what about Aerith?!" Yuffie protested, catching her shuriken as it returned to her after decapitating a number of monsters. "Her gizmo's more magical than tech-based, unlike our things! Oberon stole all the magic in the room, won't that mean she won't be able to defend herself?!"

There was an elongated scream as a giant Unseelie arced through the air and landed hard on its chest only inches away from them. Fearfully, it struggled to get back to its feet to get away, but Aerith, eyes glowing red and cackling insanely, landed on its back, knocking it back down to the ground. "Silly creature," she crooned sinisterly, an inhuman expression of glee twisting her features. "You shouldn't have tried to run." Gripping her staff in both hands, she drove one end hard into the back of the Unseelie's skull. She twisted hard, her staff ripping through its cranium and emerging from the other side, staining the ground in phosphorescence as the Unseelie vaporized only moments later. Aerith cackled as she landed on the ground. "Such glorious chaos and destruction…" she hissed. The others stared at her. She blinked. "What?"

"Somehow, I don't think she'll have a problem," Tifa muttered to Yuffie. Stitch whistled loudly and panted, very impressed and slightly aroused. Then he ripped a giant in four with his bare hands and beat up a bunch of other Unseelie just for giggles.

Changing focus back to what he was doing before; Leon finished dialing his phone, and then raised it to his ear. "Radiant Access!" His phone began to glow, making a sound like a lion's roar. Sheathing his Gunblade on his back, Leon held the open phone before him with both hands. Its glow increased, turning a brilliant crimson as it enlarged and merged with his chest, causing his entire form to flash and be encased in red flames for a moment. The Unseelie hissed in surprise as the fire burst, revealing Leon was now covered in red spandex rather than his usual dark jacket and outfit. Red boots with gold rims covered his feet. Clawed white gloves with gold bands around the wrists covered his arms. A gold belt with a large metal medallion engraved with the face of a roaring lion was wrapped around his waist. An orange-gold stylized figure of a winged lion covered his left breast, while his right was covered by several gold and black stripes which went under his right armpit, across his back, and back over his left shoulder. His sour face and scar were hidden by a red helmet completely covering his head vaguely in the form of a lion. Yellow eyes and a nose sat on Leon's forehead, with the lion's open 'jaws' holding an opaque black visor with a silvery metal faceplate covering his mouth. Wing-like ridges grew from the sides of his helmet, and a pair of little gold wings were painted on the back of his suit, currently hidden beneath his Gunblade. He pulled the Gunblade off his back and held it before him, revealing that it had undergone a transformation as well, the blade itself turning bright red with a lower protruding edge near the hilt that grew outward and downward and formed a sort of guard for the weapon handle and trigger. The handle itself was extended, with a larger stock, and the upper metal part with the cartridge and safety was silvery and looked much more high-tech, with a laser scope. Flames and the form of a winged lion were engraved on the surface of the blade. Leon slashed his blade through the air a few times, leaving trails of fire in its wake, and then posed with it. "Blazing Lion Ranger!" Red smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind him, for some reason, puzzling the Unseelie.

Cid pulled out a device that looked sort of like a GPS with a hinged screen, keypad, and strange wheel-shaped device on the bottom with a groove going through its curved side. "Overdrive…" As one of the Unseelie lashed out at him, Cid held up his device so that one of the monster's claws struck the groove inside the wheel, causing it to spin and shoot up sparks as it powered up the contraption. A nozzle protruding from the hinge the GPS screen was attached to projected a holographic screen onto Cid, covering his body in blue light which rapidly solidified into a new costume. "Accelerate!" Cid was now covered in spandex with a largely white front surrounded by blue on his sides and back. Blue boots with ridged chrome rims covered his feet, blue gloves with ridged chrome bands covered his hands, ridged chrome pads formed on his shoulders, and a metal belt formed around his waist with a ridged chrome buckle and a socket in the back that his GPS device fastened itself to. His chest had an emblem that looked sort of like a large stylized compass with red and black triangles pointing in opposite diagonal directions. His helmet was mostly blue with a silver faceplate grille with several horizontal slits in it, a vaguely V-shaped opaque visor, a strip of clear and red headlights positioned over the visor, and a metal upside-down triangle nestled into the upper part of the headlights forming the tip of a shallow groove that ran across the top of the helmet to the back, where a black strip ran almost all the way to either end of the visor. Cid twirled his spear, which had transformed to get a much larger, wider tip with numerous edges and blades made out of some clear yellow material with a red core, impaled the Unseelie who had clawed at him with it, then kicked the monster off his spear tip before it vaporized, knocking over the monsters behind it in the process. He posed, dearly wishing he hadn't given up smoking because it would probably have been better than getting into this tight-ass outfit which was really riding him up in uncomfortable areas. "Blue Drive Ranger!" Blue smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind him, for some reason.

Tifa delivered a beatdown to the Unseelies around her, tossed a giant about like it was nothing and used it to give herself some space, then pressed a few buttons on an elongated oval device wrapped around her left wrist. "DNA morph engage!" A spinning DNA helix formed in a dome-shaped screen on her wrist device, flashing repeatedly. Her clothes glowed and, in a burst of yellow light, transformed into a completely different outfit. Her costume was made of yellow spandex with a white area over her upper torso and back framing a yellow vaguely heart-shaped symbol with a yellow stripe running up to her neck. Her gloves and boots were yellow, with gray metal bands around the rims and covering most of the lower arm. The DNA device was still on her left wrist. A black belt with a V-shaped buckle wrapped around her waist. Her helmet was mostly yellow, but the upper half of the part covering her face and forehead was black, with large yellow bumps where the ears were. The black part of her helmet had a yellow vaguely heart-shaped area making up her visor, with a yellow strip going from the top of the 'heart' to the apex of her skull. A metal ridge ran the length of this strip and down the back of her head. A silvery metal faceplate with carved lips covered her mouth. Tifa posed. "Yellow Force Ranger!" Yellow smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind her for some reason.

Yuffie twirled her shuriken around her, eviscerating the surrounding Unseelie. When more came up to replace them, she used her ninja vanish trick to disappear from their midst in a cloud generated by one of her smoke bombs, reappearing on the chandelier high above. She then used her shuriken to sever the chain holding up the lighting fixture and rode it down, laughing madly, on the helpless Unseelie, crushing and destroying them beneath its iron weight. Using this momentary lull to catch her breath, she pressed a few red buttons set in gold placing on a four-pointed star-shaped green and black device strapped to her left wrist, and then slotted a small gold-edged green disk with a black and white shuriken emblazoned on it into a hole in the device's center. "Ninja Storm, Ranger Form!" She spun the disk, causing a green tornado to swirl into being around her, the wind cycling through it blowing away any Unseelie foolish enough to try and attack her during her transformation. When the tornado finally dissipated, the enraged Unseelie lunged forward to find…absolutely nothing there.

That was when a streak of green, moving too fast to be seen by the naked eye, zigzagged through their ranks, striking at them repeatedly too swiftly for them to retaliate, until finally all of them collapsed and vaporized. With her enemies defeated for the moment, Yuffie stopped moving long enough to show off her new outfit. Her costume was made of green spandex shorts and a sleeveless shirt placed over a gray mesh suit covering her arms and legs. Green boots with gold and black rims covered her feet, white gloves with green cloth gauntlets and gold bracelets covered her hands, and a black belt with a gold square buckle wrapped around her waist. Her star-shaped transformation device was still on her wrist. The emblem of a large gold four-pointed star was emblazoned on her chest, with crisscrossing belts full of kunai going over it. Her helmet was green with a visor in the shape of a four-pointed star surrounded by gold trim and a gold band going around to the back of her head, without a faceplate like the others. She held her giant shuriken in one hand and a katana in the other, looking more than eager to kill more Unseelie (and maybe rob some people while she was at it). She struck a pose. "Green Ninja Ranger!" Green smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind her for some reason.

The Unseelie were no match for Stitch. His plasma guns blew them to smithereens. With his super strength and four arms, he could topple even the mighty giants and rip them to shreds. But even an ultimate genetically engineered fighting machine of his prowess knew he probably could not defeat every Unseelie in the room all by himself, so he saw no problem in joining the rest of the Radiant Garden crew in transforming. Momentarily retracting one arm to put a plasma gun in the storage pouch inside his body, he then re-extended the arm, reached down his throat, and pulled out the device he had hidden there. Or devices, rather, there were two of them; both designed to go around his wrists. He quickly slipped them on then jammed the end of one, which was shaped sort of like a high-tech key, into the side of the other, causing its various lights to blink on. "Makka makka! Magna Power, Activate!" There was a flash of light as dark blue armor formed on Stitch's furry skin, perfectly fitting his body. His feet and legs were covered in small dark blue greaves with gray kneepads and room for his clawed toes. A gold belt with a zigzagging black line through it wrapped around his waist. His upper two arms had dark blue pauldrons over the shoulders with gold bands similar to the belt on their lower rim, the remainder of the arms covered in armor and gauntlets while the lower two were covered in spandex with armored wrist guards and protective forearm shields and gloves that allowed for his claws. His torso was lightly armored with the numbers '626' emblazoned on it in gold, chrome, and red metal. There were holes in his back allowing his rear spines to grow out unhindered. His oval-shaped head was covered in a dark blue helmet with a blank metal faceguard, large yellow 'horns' to cover his ears, and a visor with a horizontal metal strip going through the middle to split it in two. His antenna grew from the top of the helmet, on either side of a large chrome strip going to the back of the head with gold trim on either side. He still held his plasma guns, although the two in his upper hands had enlarged and transformed into twin-barreled blasters, while the two in his lower hands had somehow become glowing energy sabers. Cackling insanely (and scaring some of the Unseelie and his own teammates) he fired his guns repeatedly at the ceiling and slashed his sabers through the air. "Magna Ranger 626!" Regular pyrotechnics went off behind him for some reason.

Aerith smirked, amused by the transformation of the others', and not at all worried by the Unseelie crowding around her. She grinned sinisterly at them. "Fools…all of you believe me to be powerless, don't you? Even my so-called 'friends'…" She laughed. "Allow me to show you how wrong all of you are…" She pulled out a cell phone that may have at one point been bronze-plated to look like Leon's, but now was pitch black and had a blood-red curved and stylized 'M' engraved on its cover. She flipped it open and punched the 6 button three times before raising it into the air. She gave the Unseelies a malevolent grin as the phone's antenna extended and began crackling with power. MAGICAL power, an impossibility which was not lost on the stunned Unseelie. "Let me show you what power true evil is." She slashed her cell phone repeatedly through the air, the glowing object leaving trails of purple fire behind it and causing the Unseelie to back away in surprise. "Evil Source!" The fire fell to the floor and reshaped itself into a complex spell seal composed of glowing purple lines, with Aerith in the center. "Dark Magical Force!" The spell seal lifted off of the floor, covering Aerith as it did so, rising all the way up her body and passing her head before dispelling, transforming her clothes in the process. She looked…very different from the other Rangers.

Rather than having a bright color (such as pink), her outfit was almost completely pitch-black. It consisted of a skin-tight form-fitting black tunic with a scalloped edge over dusk-gray very tight leggings, made of the same material as the outfits of her friends. A short black cape with a scalloped edge and a gray interior hung down over her back, fastened to a black mantle with blood-red edges and gold trim going over her shoulders and neck. Jagged blood-red streaks went down the front of her tunic past her waist, which was wearing a gold belt with the face of some demonic creature hissing on the buckle. Black gloves and boots with blood-red bands and gold trim around the rims and wrists covered her hands and feet. Her helmet was, naturally, black with spiky ridges on the sides and top and a blood-red visor meant to look like a fanged maw, with glowing red 'eyes' set in the helmet above the visor, '666' written in burning letters in between. Curved bony horns sprouted just above the 666 and grew over the top of her helmet towards the back of her head. Her silver faceplate was engraved to look like there were a set of fangs growing from it. Her staff had become a crooked-handled scythe whose blade burned with a crackling purple flame. A dark aura pulsated around her, swelling and receding with every breath and swirling malevolently. "Black Vampire Ranger!" Black smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind her for some reason, causing the nearest Unseelie to shriek and back away in fright and alarm.

"…Wait. How the hell did she do that?!" asked an incredulous Yuffie.

"Aerith?! Shouldn't you…um…still be, you know, normal?!" Tifa agreed.

"Shit, not that we're complaining," Cid commented, eyes running up and down the very lovely curves shown off by Aerith's tight black outfit from underneath his visor. "That's a very &# fine ass you got there!" Stitch nodded and whistled in agreement, causing Leon to whack both of them with his Gunblade. A good thing too, otherwise Aerith would have eviscerated Cid. Stitch would have been a bit more difficult to kill, but she might have found a way, somehow….

"Oberon abducted all magic creatures and objects in the room. So why weren't you taken, and why were you able to transform?" the Red Ranger asked her plainly.

Aerith sighed in annoyance. "When Master Satan resurrected me, I became partly demonic, so that I could better serve as his concubine. My magic changed to match. And it's a good thing; too, otherwise I would have been absorbed by the Crystal of Ix just like all the other magical beings in the chapel. Fortunately I was still human enough to keep from being banished by the Holy Flash Grenade, but still demonic enough to keep from being abducted and having my magic drained by Oberon."

"Oh…I guess that makes sense…" Yuffie said uncertainly. She wasn't exactly happy that there was a positive effect from Satan's curse.

"Wait, then why the hell wasn't Maleficent immune to the crystal? Isn't she demonic too?" asked a confused Cid.

"She was a dragon at the moment," Aerith said simply.

"Ah," said Cid, not understanding how that made a difference in the slightest, but then again, magic never was his forte.

"That doesn't matter at the moment. Can you fight?" Leon asked Aerith.

She gave him a look. Her eyes glowed underneath her visor. "Duh."

"All right then," said Leon, accepting the rather un-Aerith-like answer. "Then now that that unnecessarily long transformation sequence is over with, let's show these things that we're not going to be pushed around any longer and shoved to the side while some other 'hero' takes all the credit! Because as of now, we're-"

"Wait!" Yuffie interrupted.

They looked at her. "What?" asked an annoyed Leon.

"You're not doing it right! When you announce who we are, we all have to get together in an awesome group pose to pull it off!" she told him.

"Ih! Ih!" Stitch nodded in agreement.

"What? Why should we do that?!" barked Leon.

"Because it's the rule," Yuffie said simply.

"Eh, I think she has a point…" Cid grunted, scratching his chin, although he only really wanted to do the pose since it meant he'd get to see more of Tifa and Aerith in their skin-tight spandex outfits.

"Oh, just humor her Leon," Tifa advised. "Otherwise she'll harp about it all day."

"You bet I will!" Yuffie said eagerly.

Leon sighed in exasperation. "Fine, whatever. Okay, group pose!" They quickly stood together. "Ahem: let's show these things that we're not going to be pushed around any longer and shoved to the side while some other 'hero' takes all the credit! Because as of now, we're…"

They posed with their weapons. "Power Rangers: Radiant Force!" Plumes of smoke in all six of their colors erupted behind them, followed by several dozen large explosions and flashes of light. The Unseelie blinked. The Rangers looked behind them in confusion. "….What just happened?" asked a dumbfounded Tifa.

"Oh, that's how you know you're doing it right!" Yuffie said cheerfully.

"…Is it now?" asked a confused Cid.

"Yep!"

"Whatever," said Leon, not really caring.

Aerith yawned. "That was a frivolous waste of time. Let's go kill something."

"Yay!" cheered Yuffie, agreeing with half of that sentiment.

"Meega nala kwista!" Stitch added.

And the Unseelie realized they were in for a world of hurt.

At that moment…

"Sir Gilgamesh?" Ultros called, slithering across the floor and trying to avoid all the fighting. "Sir Gilgamesh?! Ohhhh, where did you go? I'm so lonely…and afraid…" He sagged on himself, depressed. He perked up when he heard a familiar barking. "Mr. Enkidu, is that you?!" He quickly squirmed towards the barking, and was overjoyed to see the green demon dog bearing down on him. The mutt pounced on him and started licking and biting him, something which was not exactly pleasant but Ultros was too happy to see a familiar face to care. "Oh Mr. Enkidu, it _is_ you! That means Sir Gilgamesh must be nearby!" At that, Enkidu lost his happy demeanor. His tail sagged, his head drooped, and every part of him seemed forlorn. Ultros' tentacles wiggled in distress. "Oh no…it's just as I feared, then. That cruel Oberon must have taken Sir Gilgamesh with him when he used that Crystal of Ix! Ohhh, what are we going to do now, Mister Enkidu? We can't possibly take care of ourselves against such a monstrous horde as this without Sir Gilgamesh's protection! I mean, we're just a giant octopus and a supernatural dog, what can we possibly do! Say, why weren't you abducted either? Or banished?"

Enkidu stared at him for a moment, tongue hanging out and tail wagging. Then he barked and happily turned around in circles, chasing his tail. Ultros sighed. "Yeah, that's what I thought…he must have missed you somehow, I suppose." Enkidu suddenly barked again, hopped, and ran off. "What? Hey! Wait! Where are you going! Don't leave me here!" Tentacles wiggling in distress, Ultros squirmed after Enkidu. Fortunately, he didn't have to go very far; the dog came back over to him a moment later, dragging a large cloth sack by his teeth with several pointy objects sticking out of it. "Huh? What's this?" Enkidu opened his mouth to drop the bit of the sack he had been pulling on, and nudged it towards Ultros. Puzzled, the octopus tugged the cloth open and found…

"Egad! Sir Gilgamesh's swords!" And indeed there they were, all eight of Gilgamesh's swords. "Oh no…he really is gone, isn't he? Sir Gilgamesh would never have left these behind willingly…" Enkidu barked to get Ultros' attention, hopped, turned in a circle, and then nudged the pile of swords towards Ultros. "Eh? I don't understand? What do you want me to do?" Enkidu circled around behind Ultros and nudged him towards the swords. "H-hey! What are you…" Enkidu ran back to the swords, barked, and hopped up and down a few times. Ultros stared at him blankly. Enkidu whined, shook his head in annoyance, and nudged the swords towards the octopus again. "Look, I'm sorry, but I really don't understand-"

Ultros froze. He stared at the swords. He stared at his many tentacles. He stared at Enkidu, who barked. "Wait. Wait just a minute. Are you saying…are you saying that you want _me_ to use these?!" Enkidu yipped and turned around in a circle. "But-but I can't! I'm just a royal octopus, not a master swordsman like Sir Gilgamesh! There's no way I could possibly…" Enkidu interrupted him with an angry bark, and then started growling at Ultros. The octopus blinked, looked at the dog for a few moments, and then glanced back down at the swords, deep in thought. "…Yes. Yes, you're right, Mr. Enkidu. Gilgamesh isn't with us right now. But he most certainly would want his swords to be used by someone who understands their power and legendary status as much as he did…someone who would be able to use them with, if not the same level of skill, at least the same level of respect." He wiggled his tentacles. "Someone with as many arms to use them as there are swords themselves. Yes, Mr. Enkidu. Yes indeed! To honor Sir Gilgamesh's memory, I shall take up his weapons and fight in his name, until the time comes when I may return them to him." Reverently, he curled his tentacles around the blades, picking up one with each limb. "Come, Mister Enkidu! Let us do battle! For Sir Gilgamesh!" Enkidu barked in agreement, and the two headed off.

While that was going on…

"Raaaahhhh! Die, you filthy bilge rats!" Captain Hook roared as he took on the Unseelie, Peter Pan's head dangling from a cord around his neck and the lantern containing Tinkerbell held in a safe compartment in his mechanical body. "I don't have the slightest clue who you are or where you came from, but you're clearly no friends of mine!" His left hand a blazing energy sword and his right a buzzsaw, he hacked and slashed at the Unseelie hoard, lopping off hands, severing limbs, and splitting many in two.

"Hey, Hook, mind if a fellow pirate joins the crew?" Jack Sparrow asked, leaping over a giant Unseelie to land next to Hook, after which he whipped out a pistol to blast the giant's brains apart.

"YOU!" Hook angrily swiped his sword at Jack's head, nearly cutting it off. Jack ducked at the last minute, and the energy blade instead decapitated an Unseelie behind him. "What are _you_ doing here?!"

"Fighting, mate, just like you," Jack said amiably, rolling beneath Hook's legs and stabbing an Unseelie in the chest with his Keyblade. "Thought you could use a hand, so I came over to help you out."

"Me?! NEED A HAND?!" Laughing madly, Hook waved his two mechanical limbs. "I've got all the limbs I need right here!" Transforming his left arm into an energy cannon, he fired a laser cannon ball at Jack, who leaped out of the way, causing the blast to hit and obliterate a few Unseelie.

Jack frowned at Hook. "Hey, mate, what's the big deal? You might give the chap an idea that you're trying to kill him."

"I _am_ trying to kill you, you cursed reprobate!" Hook roared, trying to run Jack through with his sword.

Jack evaded and parried the blade with his own. "What for, James? What've I ever done to you? I mean, I seem to recall you scuttling my ship and letting it drift towards a black hole, but I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. Why can't you do the same?"

Hook angrily fired another cannon shot at Jack, which once again missed and took out an Unseelie. "Bygones?! The only reason I did that was payback for that prank you pulled with a mechanical alligator to distract me long enough for you to run off with all the loot we got from that heist we pulled off together!"

"Oh yeah, now I remember…" Jack mused, fending off Unseelie without really looking, stabbing and slashing at their numbers repeatedly with his Keyblade. "Still, you can't really hold a grudge like that too long in our line of work, Hook, it can lead to nasty things, like fanatical obsessions with getting revenge, turning your crew into horrible monsters, losing your ship and your fortune, maybe even your soul, etc. Could even get you killed. Look at me; I'm already over what you did. Sort of. Almost. Pretty much. In a way. Why don't we just put the past behind us and start over fresh?" He ducked to avoid another cannon shot from Hook, then backflipped to avoid an energy saber stab which could have skewered Jack through the groin. "Or at the very least, put this petty feud aside until we have better circumstances to settle things?"

Hook glanced around, as if just remembering they were surrounded by murderous Unseelie. "Hmm. Good point. This isn't really the right time or place, is it?" He transformed his other hand into a beam saber and then did a spin attack, both blades extending to cut into the monsters surrounding them.

"What d'ya say then? Truce?" Jack asked, spitting on his hand and extending it.

"Truce," Hook agreed, spitting on his hand (after changing it back into one) and offering it to Jack.

They shook on it, both of them gripping the other's hand as hard as possible to see who was strongest. Unsurprisingly, Hook won that little challenge, and Jack waved his hand in pain as Hook let go. "So, mate, let's take these things out in true pirate-style, eh?"

"Indeed," agreed Hook. Together, they turned to face the Unseelie surrounding them. The monsters hissed. The pirates made glowering faces…then turned and ran as fast as they could, smashing through the ranks of startled monsters to break through their circle and out the other side. When they made it through, they quickly turned around and fired pistol and cannon shots at the chandelier overhead, causing it to fall and crush the monsters…just like the last two chandeliers. The room was really running out of those things.

"Ha, foolish monsters," Jack boasted as the glowing particles from the Unseelies' death faded away. "They should have known that pirates are at their most dangerous when cornered!"

"I thought that was rabid dogs," Hook commented.

"Them too."

Not exactly close by…

When the Unseelie found Phoenix Wright and Franziska von Karma behind a column, both stripped down to their underwear and engaged in…_unusual_ activities…they thought the two lawyers would be easy pickings. They were wrong.

"So, you monsters want to gut us, devour our innards and wear our flesh like some sick fashion trend, do you? Well, I OBJECT!" His finger shot out in objection, accidentally stabbing an Unseelie in the eye. It shrieked in pain and staggered backwards, clutching its face in agony. "Oh, uh, sorry."

"You horrible little creatures are _so_ going to pay," sneered Franziska, cracking her whip ominously and causing the Unseelie to flinch in fright. "We're going to file a complaint against you and the rest of your friends and bring you up on charges of trespassing, assault, attempted murder, actual murder and manslaughter, torture, starting a fight in a religious structure, destruction of private property, racial discrimination, and littering. I think with all the people you've wronged in the room, we can pull together a real class action suit against your kind. You'll spend the rest of your very long lives in prison, and have to give up all your vast treasure hordes to pay for the damages and trauma you've caused here today."

"Oh, and let's not forget the complaint we're going to file against your lord and master," said Manfred von Karma like the voice of doom as he strode over, casting a dark and forbidding shadow over the frightened Unseelie. "We'll get him for trespassing, destruction of private property, assault, racial discrimination, religious discrimination, banishing a religious official, theft, abduction, illegal petrification, attempted murder, attacking a royal official and a bunch of minors, abuse of magic, abuse of a magical artifact, reckless endangerment, littering, and paralyzing an entire room of people for nearly half an hour."

"Oh, and don't forget casting an illegal timed-death spell," Phoenix added, trying to pull on his pants.

"Yes, that too," Manfred agreed with a nod. "Your boss may be the ruler of the Third Race, but that doesn't mean he's any more above the law than you lot are."

"I pronounce the whole lot of you GUILTY!" Judge Doom proclaimed, walking over. He, Manfred, and Franziska all began laughing evilly. "Bwahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahaha!" The Unseelie trembled in terror.

Not wanting to miss out on all the fun, Phoenix joined in. "Mwehehehehe! Mwhehehehe! Mwehe-" He paused, noticing the others were glaring at him. "What?"

"That was a terrible laugh," Manfred scolded. "I'm ashamed of you, Phoenix."

"You are GUILTY!" declared Doom.

"You should be sued for that pathetic attempt," sneered Franziska. "Instead…" She whipped Phoenix.

"Owie!" he wailed, while the other three laughed, and the Unseelie looked at each other in fear and terror. Not even they could defeat creatures as powerful and terrible as legal attorneys.

Elsewhere…

The Disney platoon was doing the best it could. Their main body was still fighting near the Gargoyles, but PJ, Max, and Goofy had split off to try and find Pete, Peg, and Pistol and get them to safety. Everything had gotten very chaotic after the Unseelie attacked, so they didn't know where they had gone, but they were determined to find PJ's family.

"There's so many of them!" Max yelled, slashing at the Unseelie before him with his sword, deflecting claw strikes with his blade or the buckler on his arm.

"Shucks, Maxie, there were a heckuva lot more enemies than this at the Battle for Hollow Bastion!" Goofy reassured his son as he bashed monsters out of their way using his Save the King+ shield, either slaying the monsters outright or knocking them silly long enough for Max to finish them off with a stab from his sword. The Unseelie around Goofy suffered as he inflicted his rage, guilt, and self-loathing onto them, the guilt for having been completely unable to do anything to protect his King, Queen, Donald, or any of his other friends from being beaten and abducted by Oberon.

"You mean the one where Sora killed a thousand Heartless by himself?" PJ, who was guarding their rear, asked, bashing away at the Unseelie behind them with his own shield, occasionally flinging it like a discus to cut the beasts apart and get the soldiers some space.

"Yup, that's the one!" Goofy said with an exaggerated nod. He wished Sora were there now. He didn't for a second think that being thrown out the window had killed him, but he was sure it would inconvenience him in getting back, and the time delay could be fatal for everyone in the chapel, as well as for their Majesties and everyone else who had been spirited away. All he could do now was stay alive long enough to do something to get them back, and prevent anyone else from losing their loved ones, which was part of the reason why he was helping Max and PJ rescue PJ's family.

"The one where you also got hit in the head really hard and were knocked out for the first half of the big fight?" Max asked his father.

"Uh…" Goofy rubbed his head, nearly dislodging his small helmet. "Gawrsh, good question. I don't really remember. Think something musta hit me in the noggin to make me forget that…"

"How many Heartless did you kill in that battle again?" PJ asked Goofy.

"Ahhhh…" Goofy quickly changed the subject as he smashed a giant's head in with the flat of his shield. "Never mind that, I think…yeah! PJ, I think I see yer mom over there! C'mon, boys!"

With renewed vigor, they managed to fight their way over to where Peg was currently perched atop a pile of metal debris, stone rubble, and timber from broken pews, desperately throwing rocks at the Unseelie trying to climb up and get her. She made an easy target for the flying Unseelie, but had so far managed to repel them with other rocks or by hitting them with her purse whenever they swooped down at her. However, her torn dress and the bleeding scratches on her arms and face told them she wouldn't last much longer on her own. "PJ!" she cried as she saw the rescue team break through the Unseelie surrounding her rubble heap.

"Mom!" PJ yelled, knocking away an Unseelie that leapt at him with his shield. "Hang on, we're coming!"

"Peej, look out!" warned Max, quickly skewering an Unseelie that was about to eviscerate PJ from behind. "You have to watch your back at all times!"

PJ smirked at Max and thrusted the edge of his shield over Max's shoulder, decapitating the Unseelie that had been about to get _him_ from behind. "Thought that's why I had you, man."

"Hang on boys, Mrs. PJ's mom!" Goofy said, spinning around and bashing away all the Unseelies around them. "I'll clear us some space! Goofy Tornado!" Holding his shield out, he began to spin at very high speeds, drawing the unwilling Unseelie towards him due to the suction the small tornado formed by his rapid rotation was causing. As the monsters were pulled towards him, they were bashed apart by Goofy's turbulent spinning shield strikes or defeated with shield slams or sword blows from PJ and Max while they were suspended helplessly in Goofy's tornado. When all the enemies around the pile of rubble were destroyed, earning them some breathing room, Goofy slowly spun to a halt, stumbling around in a daze, incredibly dizzy from his twirling about. "Gawrsh…look at all the purty birds," he slurred, referring to the illusionary ones twittering around his head. "Hyuck!"

With the way clear, Peg slid down the rubble heap. "PJ! Are you all right?"

"Mom! That's what I was just about to ask you!" PJ said, running over to her, Max and a recovering Goofy following him. "Where's Pistol?"

Peg's eyes widened in horror. "Sh-she's not with you?!"

PJ began to panic. "No! Mom, where's Pistol?!"

"Wheeee!" Pistol called from overhead, riding on the back of a winged Unseelie. "This is fun!" The Unseelie shrieked with rage and tried to shake Pistol off its back, but she had a firm grip on the thing's shoulders and didn't intend to let go anytime soon. "Flying's the greatest!"

"Oh," PJ said, staring at his sister incredulously as her unwilling steed circled overhead.

"That figures," Max said, shaking his head.

"PJ, when'd your sister learn how to fly?" asked Goofy, still rather dazed.

"Pistol, get down from there this instant!" Peg called up to her daughter.

"I don't wanna!" Pistol yelled back down.

"Pistol, c'mon, it's really dangerous, you gotta get off that thing!" PJ yelled up to his sister. "We've gotta find Dad and get you out of here!"

"Hmm…" Pistol glanced at Peg. "If I come down, can I keep this thing as a pet?"

"Absolutely not!" Peg shouted.

"You already have a pet, Chainsaw!" Peg pointed out.

"Aw, but she's more PJ's dog than mine! I want something of my own! Like those circus animals and marine creatures I had for a while when I was younger!" Pistol pointed out.

"Not in my house, young lady!" Peg said firmly.

Pistol sighed in exasperation. "Fine, then can I at least use your car more often, or get one of my own?"

"NO!!!!" PJ and Peg shouted simultaneously.

Pistol rolled her eyes. "_Fine._ Gawd." She patted the Unseelie she was riding on the back of its head. "Sorry Bobo, I gotta go now. Thanks for carrying me." The monster screamed venom and hate, but Pistol didn't seem to notice, or if she did, she didn't care. "Bye now." She leaped off the Unseelie's back and plummeted down towards her family.

Peg, Max, and PJ gasped in alarm. Goofy, still dazed, walked into the rubble heap. "Ow!"

"PISTOL!" PJ screamed, holding his shield out upside-down and making a desperate lunge across the floor, catching his sister in it before she could hit the ground. "Oof!"

"Wow, nice catch bro! Good work!" Pistol complimented PJ as she hopped out of the shield, not in the least bit shell-shocked from having plummeted several feet from a moving object. "Why is it you got kicked off the baseball team like that? Catches like that could have won your team the game!" PJ sighed and gave Max the look of a long-suffering brother accustomed to getting the bejeezus shaken out of him by his rather scary sister on a regular basis.

"My baby!" Peg cried, swooping down on Pistol, the girl-child reacting with a startled squawk, hugging her to her chest. "Are you all right? Were you scared? Did those Unseelie things hurt you?"

"Yes, no, and I still want one as a pet," Pistol said. "PJ, can you catch me one? Pleeeeaaase? Or at the very least buy me a car?"

"No, no, and HELL no," PJ said flatly.

"Awww, darn. Guess I'll have to keep stealing Mom's then," Pistol said with a sigh.

"You'll do no such thing!" Peg scolded her daughter.

"Of course I will," Pistol said plainly. "It's not like you can actually stop me, especially now that I've received rudimentary ninja training."

"Wh-what?!" Peg spluttered.

PJ moaned and palmed his face. "Great, as if she weren't difficult enough already…"

"This is why I'm glad I'm an only child," Max whispered to Goofy. "And that's not going to change anytime soon, right?"

"Nosirreebob! I think," Goofy said distractedly.

"PJ, have you seen your father?" Peg asked her son, changing the subject.

"Huh? No mom, not yet. We were just about to go looking for him after we found you," PJ told her.

Peg nodded firmly. "Good! Well, maybe this disaster will finally convince him not to marry that horned harlot and move back in with his family!"

"Oh, I saw Dad," Pistol said. "When I was flying up on Bobo. He's just over that-"

The little girl was interrupted by an unearthly shriek, and the group of dog (or cat)-like people remembered they were in the middle of a war zone, and the enemy combatants had found them again. While they had been distracted by Pistol's antics, the Unseelies had crept up on them again, and now they were surrounded by giants on all sides. The glowing monsters had even claimed the rubble heap Peg had found shelter on before, so they couldn't even escape back up there. One of the monsters on top of the pile wrenched off a large chunk of masonry and hurled it at the group. Specifically, straight at Max. The young Goof's eyes widened in horror as he saw his end hurtling towards him, too stunned to react to the desperate shouts telling him to get out of the way.

However, this proved to be just the impetus needed to snap Goofy out of the last of his dizziness-induced haze. "MAXIE, NO!" Goofy quickly shoved Max out of the way…and was hit dead-on by the masonry chunk in his place. The boulder, already unstable, shattered on impact with the dog-man, flinging him backwards in a shower of smaller, battering rocks. He hit the ground with a sickening crack, bounced, and landed hard on his back again. He didn't get back up.

PJ gasped. "DAD!" cried a horrified Max.

Pistol blinked. "M-Mr. Goof?"

The giant responsible hopped down off the heap, landing before them and blocking their way to Goofy. The other giants lumbered over menacingly, cutting off any avenues of escape. Max's eyes flashed with anger. "You…you jerks KILLED MY DAD! RAAAAHHH!" Enraged, he drew his sword and charged the Unseelie that had hurled the boulder. The monster simply swatted him away, stunning him long enough for another giant to grab him and raise him into the air, bellowing right into the young Goof's face. Max struggled against the beast's claws, but its grip was too strong, and he could not break free or bring his sword up to bear.

"Max, hang on!" PJ, without thinking of the consequences, charged over to save his friend. Another giant lurched into its path and tried to grab him, but he rolled under its claws and swatted at its legs with his shield, unbalancing it and causing it to topple over. He slid beneath the beast's legs before it could crush him, got up to fight the monster clutching Max…and heard a very female shriek behind him which chilled his blood. He whirled around to see that, while he was distracted, the Unseelie had gotten his mother and sister. Peg was screaming and crying for help, while Pistol was more occupied biting the arm of the giant which had grabbed her, which seemed to irritate it more than actually harm it. Eyes wide with horror, PJ immediately started back towards his family…

Then heard the roar of the monster holding Max and looked around to see it had opened its mouth and was slowly lowering his friend towards its waiting jaws. PJ glanced back at his family, and saw the Unseelie holding them was doing the same thing. If he moved fast, he could probably save Peg and Pistol before they were eaten…but in the process, Max would get his head bitten off. He could save Max right now…but if he did so, even with Max's help, they wouldn't make it over there in time to save his mother and sister.

He found himself confronted with a sudden and horrifying choice. If he saved his family, his best friend would die. If he saved his family, his best friend would die. No matter who he saved, someone would die, because there was no way he could possibly save all of them. Sweating from anxiety and growing short of breath, realizing his time was running out, PJ knew he had to make a choice and do it now or else he'd lose everyone. Taking a deep breath, and knowing whichever choice he made would haunt him for the rest of his life, PJ made up his mind…

And got hit by a crushing blow from behind, knocking him head over heels and causing him to land sprawled on his back out on the ground, bones cracked and aching (if not completely broken), and too dazed to get up. As the giant that had hit him loomed over him, a number of its brethren coming up to join it, PJ realized he had made a fatal mistake: he'd been so busy agonizing over whom to save that he'd forgotten to keep an eye out for his own sake. And now, it looked as if all of them would die. Pinning his arms to the ground with its massive claws, the giant bent its head down, slavering jaws open wide to rip off his face…

When a very familiar, and welcome, voice cried out, filling PJ with new hope. "GET AWAY FROM MY BOY, YOU STINKIN' DAY-GLO FREAKS! RAAAAHHHHH!!!" The Unseelie looked away from Max in surprise, just in time to be knocked over by a powerful tackle from Pete, his tuxedo shredded and stained with blood and luminescence, his eyes mad with rage.

"DAD!" PJ cried, overjoyed that his father had found them.

"PJ! Hold on, son, Daddy's coming!" Pete jumped off the Unseelie he had knocked over and ran towards the giant holding PJ down. The beast let go of PJ and lurched towards Pete, roaring and displaying its claws in a fearsomely intimidating show of force. Totally unimpressed, Pete jumped over the first claw the monster swept at him, landing on its fist and pinning it to the ground beneath his weight, pulling the monster down a few feet in the process. As it shrieked in rage and tried to pull its hand out, Pete made a daring leap for the thing's head, wrapping his powerful arms around its neck in an unbreakable headlock and dragging the beast's whole upper body to the ground. Aware that the other Unseelie were already charging towards him to free their captured brother, Pete shifted his weight to keep the monster with one arm, using the other to reach into his pocket, pull out a few explosives, and stuff them into the Unseelie's mouth. He then released his hold on the monster's neck, giving it half a second to recover before he hit it with a powerful uppercut to the jaw, launching it off the ground and causing it to topple back onto two of the giants who had come to help it, knocking all three of them over. Before any of them could get up, the bombs Pete had stuffed in the first Unseelie's mouth detonated, blowing all three to smithereens. "And that's why you don't try and kill my son, you bunch of neon freeloaders!" Pete bellowed. "PJ! You okay, boy?"

"Yeah, I'm all right!" PJ told him, trying not to wince too much as he stood up. He must have sprained something, or worse, when that giant hit him. "Dad, I'm not the only one in danger! Max, Mom, and Pistol are in trouble!"

"What?!" cried Pete. "Well, what are we waiting for; let's go get 'em!"

PJ nodded, feeling an odd thrill rising up inside him. He had never, at any time in his life, fought alongside his father. To be frank, he had half expected that one day he might need to engage him on the field of battle, considering their opposing allegiances. To have an opportunity, right here, to fight with his dad for the same cause, to save their family…it was more than he could ever have hoped for. "Right! Yes, sir!" Together, they charged towards the first of the Unseelie coming at them with retribution in mind for the ones Pete had just killed. And fortunately enough, it just happened to be the one holding both Peg and Pistol.

"PJ! Peter! Heeeeelp!" Peg wailed.

"Hi dad! About time you got here!" Pistol yelled cheerfully.

"Hang on, honey! By which I mean Pistol, not Peg, since we're still divorced," Pete said. "We're coming!"

PJ wound back his left arm and hurled his shield at the monster. It struck it in the chin, knocking its head back and leaving its chest open for a powerful haymaker from Pete, knocking it over and causing it to lose its grip, releasing the girls. As Peg stumbled out of the Unseelie's claws, Pete occupied punching the thing's face in, another giant tried to grab her. She screamed, naturally, but was saved by a rescue from PJ, who hurled his recovered shield at the thing's head, stunning it for a moment, long enough for him to slide underneath the thing's legs and kick its feet out from under it, toppling it over. Peg might have been crushed due to her being paralyzed by fright, but a much more sensible Pistol grabbed her mother by the hand and dragged her out from the thing's shadow before it could hit the ground. PJ retrieved his shield again, climbed onto the Unseelie's back, and finished it by driving the edge of his shield into the back of its neck.

Another trio of Unseelie lumbered up towards them. "Stay back!" Pete, who had finished off his last opponent, hurled a few explosives at the monsters. The bombs were too small to do much to the beasts' hides, but did blind and stun them for a few moments, allowing Pete and PJ to attack them. While PJ hurled his shield at one of the monsters' necks with enough force to decapitate it, Pete tackled one of the others to the ground, grabbed its left arm, and used all his considerable strength to rip one of its arms off. As the monster howled in pain, Pete flipped the arm over in his grip and stabbed the beast through the chest using its own claws, killing it. The third Unseelie recovered and tried to attack Pete, but PJ hit it from behind, climbing up its legs and back and pounding on its head with his shield. As the Unseelie struggled and flailed its arms, trying to knock him off, Pete tackled the thing's legs, toppling it over and allowing PJ to kill it with a decapitating blow to the neck.

"Wow! That was totally awesome!" Pistol cheered enthusiastically. "Weren't they great, Mom, huh, weren't they mom, reallyreallygreat?"

"Um…yes, dear…they were wonderful…" Peg said, looking a little green from the violence her ex-husband and son were inflicting on these monsters. She knew her boy was training to be a soldier, but still, she hadn't really expected him to _kill_ anything…

"Nice job, guys! Uh, think you could save me, now?" Max cried from the grasp of the last remaining giant, who looked more than a little worried to see that most of its comrades had been slaughtered by two fat cat-things.

"I think we can handle one more, don't you, dad?" PJ asked his father.

Pete barked with laughter. "Ha! Just one? We could take on a hundred more, son! Uh, not that I actually _want_ to, of course, you understand…"

They headed towards the giant, but the massive Unseelie decided it would probably be in its best interest to run away, so it did. "Hey, come back here!" PJ yelled angrily.

"Yeah, running away's supposed to be my shtick, not yours!" Pete agreed. He pulled out a handful of bombs and hurled them at the giant. The Unseelie lashed out with its arm, knocking the explosives away and deflecting them back at the father and son. "Whoa!"

"Watch out!" PJ quickly got in front of his father and raised his shield, protecting both of them from the blast as the bombs exploded in midair. "Come back with my best friend!" PJ howled once the smoke had cleared, hurling his shield at the monster. It knocked that away with its arm as well, and the duo had to duck to keep from getting their heads lopped off. "Yikes!"

"Aw, it's getting away!" Pete moaned as the Unseelie got further from them, partly due to its speeding up, its longer legs, and their inability to move fast enough to keep up with it. "And…pant, pant…these legs aren't really built for running, you know!"

PJ gasped, sweating, finding the same was true for him as well. "Darn, why couldn't I have gotten Mom's legs instead of yours?!"

"They wouldn't have been able to support your upper body, of course," Pete pointed out reasonably. "And with upper bodies like ours, you need all the support you can get!"

Max groaned from the monster's fist. "Guys…this is kinda getting lame…when I asked for help, I was sort of expecting to get it right away, not, like, whenever you two can lose enough weight to catch up…"

"Hey, we're not fat, just big-boned!" Pete yelled angrily. "Lousy, ungrateful, ingrate son of a Goof. Why're we saving him again?"

"Because he's my best friend?"

"Oh, right. Well, you know, you _could_ always get a new best friend…"

"Dad!"

"What?"

"Is somebody gonna save me already?!" Max yelled, getting annoyed.

"Hang on, Maxie! I'm coming!" cried a familiar, unmistakably _Goofy_ voice.

Max looked up. "Dad?! You're alive?!"

Goofy, a bit battered but far from being dead, now stood before the giant Unseelie, blocking its path. He nodded vigorously. "You betcha, Maxie! You should know it'll take more than a few licks to put yer old man down for the count, hyuck!"

"Ha!" Pete barked, seeing that the Unseelie had stopped and used the moment to catch his breath. "Who'da thought I'd ever be so happy to see that Goof alive and well?"

"Because it means Max is safe?" PJ asked him.

"No, because it means we don't have to do anymore running!"

"Put my son down and get the heck outta here, or I'm gonna have to open a whole big can o' hurt on you!" Goofy threatened the Unseelie. Not in the least bit intimidated, the monster shrieked at him. "No? Well, don't say I didn't warn ya!" The Unseelie shrieked angrily and lashed out with its claws, trying to smash Goofy into the ground. The knight jumped out of the way of the thing's hand, then hopped onto it and started running up its arm towards the monster's head, which he began bashing repeatedly with his shield. Enraged, the Unseelie swung its claws up to smash the knight captain flat, but Goofy jumped out of the way at the last minute and the monster only succeeded in pulverizing its own face, stunning itself and causing it to wobble on its heels in a bit of a daze. "Stop hitting yerself!" Goofy joked as he fell down the Unseelie's rear, his shield driven into the thing's flesh so that it cut through the monster's hide, both slowing down Goofy's descent and leaving a long, ugly vertical scar on the creature's back.

Hissing in pain, the Unseelie fell to its knees, using its free hand to support itself but also loosening its grip on Max. This was just what the young Goof needed to break free from the monster's claws. "Thanks, Dad!" Max called. "All right, you big dumb jerk, I've had enough of you! You've been dangling me around like one of Pistol's dolls for the last ten minutes, and I'm sick and tired of it!"

"Maxie, be careful!" Goofy warned Max as his son readied his sword, noticing that the giant was starting to recover.

The Unseelie growled angrily and swung its hands together in a clap which could have crushed Max, but he jumped upward at the last minute to avoid the attack, landing on top of the joined hands. "Not gonna get me that easy, you monster!" Max taunted. He leaped off the hands as the Unseelie cried in frustration, using them as a platform to rise into the air above the monster's head and giving him a perfect avenue of attack. "Hyaaaaaahhhh!" Clutching his sword with both hands, he drove it between the Unseelie's eyes as he dropped down towards it, burying his blade up to the hilt in the thing's face. It reared back its head and bellowed in agony, flinging Max off in the process. "Oof!" PJ ran up to him and quickly led him away as the Unseelie writhed in its death throes, stilled, fell over, and finally disintegrated, dropping Max's sword to the ground in the process. Max shook his friend off, walked over, and picked up his blade. "Heh. Take that!"

"Nice going, Maxie!" Goofy complimented his son, clapping a hand on the young man's shoulder. "You did a great job! You too, PJ!"

"Thanks, Captain Goof. Does this mean we can get a field promotion?" PJ asked hopefully.

"Yeah, or a medal?" Max asked eagerly.

"We'll see," Goofy said noncommittally.

"Yay, daddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddydaddy!" Pistol cheered, tackling Pete and nearly knocking him over, despite her diminutive size. "You were SO totally awesome back there and really cool. You rock. What took you so long?"

Pete laughed nervously. "Well, ah, I sorta got hung up. There were a lot of rotten Unseelie between you guys and me, but none of them could beat the mighty Pete! I'm invincible!" He laughed malevolently, until Pistol grabbed one of his facial hairs and ripped it out. "Ow!" He dropped Pistol and held his face in pain. "Sweetie, what'd ya do that fer?!"

"To see if you're really invincible," Pistol said sweetly. "And you're not. Oh well." Pete made a face at her. She made one back.

"Thank goodness you're all right! I was so worried!" Peg said, running over to join them. "PJ, Max, Goofy…and PETE! I'm so glad you're all okay!" She hugged PJ, then Goofy, then a startled Pete, leaving Max to feel a little miffed and left out.

"What, don't I get a hug?" complained Max. "I mean, I was stuck in that thing's grasp for ten minutes…"

"I'll hug ya, Maxie," Goofy offered, spreading his arms wide.

"…Ah, no thanks, Dad," Max said quickly. "Wouldn't be the same…"

"I could give you one," Pistol said in a sultry voice, blinking her eyelashes seductively.

"…" Terrified by the fact that PJ's little sister was hitting on him, Max quickly hugged his father, much to Goofy's pleasure.

"Get offa me, woman!" Pete snapped, quickly shaking Peg off. "What d'ya think you're doing? I'm a practically married man! I may be evil, but I ain't gonna cheat on Maleficent, nosir, I get enough pain from her for all my other screw-ups, definitely not gonna do anything as stupid as that!"

"But…Pete," Peg protested, looking very upset and disappointed. "I thought…I mean, you _saved_ us, and…and she's gone, so…"

"So what?" Pete snorted. "You thought I'd just come running back to you just like that? Well, you got another thing coming, sister! Maleficent's gone, but not for long! If she could come back from the dead once when that Keyblade brat killed her, she can recover from this too, especially since she's not dead, just absorbed! And if she can't get out on her own, then I'm gonna help break her out! That's what _good_ spouses do!"

Peg flinched, knowing that Pete's barb was intended directly for her, since she had pretty much abandoned him when he had been convicted and banished from the Kingdom. "I…Peter…but then…then, if that's how you feel…then why did you rescue me just now?"

Pete instantly clamped his mouth shut, cutting off the retort he had been about to deliver. He couldn't say it, not in front of the kids. He couldn't tell his ex-wife that if he had had a choice, he wouldn't have saved her at all, she just happened to be an incidental effect of his saving Pistol, not while his children were in earshot. "That's none o' your business," he snapped finally. "According to our divorce papers, I don't have to explain anything to you, not so long as I keep paying alimony that is." Turning his back on his heartbroken ex-wife, Pete focused his attention on the Disney soldiers. "PJ! Goofs! You guys are missing yer' rulers. I'm missin' my wife-to-be. What d'ya say we team up to get em' back?"

"Um, sure thing, Dad," said PJ. "I-I think…"

Pete frowned. "What's to think about?"

"Well, it's just…you know, Maleficent's sort of our kingdom's enemy," Max pointed out. "Just like you, Mr. Pete. Dad, wouldn't helping rescue her count as treason or something?"

Goofy scratched his chin in thought. "Hmm. Nope, I don't think so. And if it is, I'll take full responsibility. Boys, this here's what we call 'better the evil you know than the evil you don't.' We have more experience with Maleficent than with Oberon, so we might be able to handle her better in future clashes, rather than having to learn everything from scratch if we let Oberon remain a threat. Therefore, it's in our best interest to rescue her and keep Oberon from getting whatever he's aimin' for. And besides," the knight captain pointed out. "It's our job to help people in need, even if they're the enemy. It wouldn't be right to save their Majesties and all the good folk but leave the evil people behind, that would make us just as bad as them, right Pete?"

Pete nodded. "Darn tootin'! So, I guess we have a truce?" He extended a hand.

"Yup, I guess so!" Goofy shook hands with Pete, sealing the bargain. "Boys, we're gonna be workin' with Mr. Pete for a little bit longer now, okay?"

"Yay!" cheered Pistol.

"Awesome!" agreed PJ, glad that he and his father would remain on the same side for a little longer.

"Eh, all right," Max grunted reluctantly.

Peg sighed unhappily. "Peter…"

"All right, kiddoes, let's go!" Pete boomed, smacking a fist into his palm. "If we're gonna save Maleficent, the King, and all those other losers, we're gonna need to clear the room of all these rotten Unseelie first! Let's go bust some heads!"

"YEAH!" Max and PJ cheered, while Goofy said, "Gawrsh, sounds like fun!"

"Can I come?" Pistol asked.

"No!" Pete, PJ, and Max bellowed.

"Well," Goofy pointed out. "We can't exactly just leave her or the missus here..."

"But we can't take them with us!" Pete protested. "It's way too dangerous!"

"More dangerous than leaving her or Mom here to get eaten?" PJ pointed out.

"Hmm, good point." Not that Pete would mind very much if Peg were eaten.

"Look, let's just drop them off with the rest of our squad," Max suggested. "If they can protect a bunch of statues, they can certainly protect Mrs. P. Although Pistol might be a bit more of a handful than they've ever had to deal with before…"

Everyone glanced worriedly at Pistol, who blinked innocently. "What?"

Pete sighed heavily, giving in. "All right, all right, we'll drop 'em off. Come on Pistol, Peg, let's go."

"Okay!" Pistol scurried over to Pete, climbed onto his back, and sat on his shoulders.

Pete blinked. "Uh…babycakes, what are you doing up there?"

"Getting a better view," Pistol told him. "Plus, it's much safer up here than it is down on the ground!" At that moment a winged Unseelie swooped down, grabbed her in its claws, and flew off. "Okay, maybe not. Wheeeee, I'm flying again!"

"Oh no! PISTOL!" PJ screamed.

"Aw, crap," Pete groaned.

"MY BABY!" Peg howled, running after the flying monster.

"Hang on, sis, I'm coming!" PJ yelled, chasing after his mother.

Max groaned and held his face in his hands. "Aw, man…here we go again!"

Other heroes and villains fought valiantly during this great siege. The Queen of Hearts, even stripped of her card soldiers, was a truly formidable force, sending the Unseelie fleeing as she chopped her way through their forces, decapitating heads left and right while screaming, "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" The Incredibles, a superhero team and family rolled into one, proved to be more than the Unseelie could handle as well, for their powers were genetic rather than magic-based and so could not easily be taken away. The hockey-playing Mighty Ducks and the Saurian army of Lord Drauganus had, like so many others, also temporarily put their differences on hold and united to fight their common enemy. Great valor was displayed by these heroes (and villains), and great sacrifice as well…

But inevitably, it was all for nothing. For every Unseelie that was cut down, ten more would warp into the room to replace it. For while the guests were trapped in the chamber and could not call for reinforcements, the enemy Unseelie were under no such restriction. Even if the guests were stronger, the Unseelie had overwhelming numbers on their side, and sooner or later they would crush the exhausted defenders beneath their combined might.

And that wasn't the worst of it. Even if the Unseelie were removed from the equation, time was still running out. The Doom hourglass Oberon had created before leaving was still in motion, the black sands slowly falling from the upper half to the lower half of the glass. The bottom was already halfway full. And when the last grain of sand fell to the bottom…

Then everyone in the room would die.

…

It had been surprisingly difficult to make it back to the flying castle. Sora didn't know what had happened after he left, but whatever it was seemed to be agitating the entire city! The airspace had been utterly chaotic, with ships, vehicles, and flying Heartless going every which-way, without any clear direction or purpose. Many crashed into each other, a couple were fighting each other, and more than a few either came close to hitting Sora by accident or attacked him on purpose. And that was just in the air, things were no more coherent on the ground, either! _What the heck's going on here?_ Wondered Roxas. _It makes sense they'd attack us since we're the Keyblade Master and their natural enemy, but…they seem so uncoordinated! Out of it! Half of them don't even seem to realize we're here! Something's up._

"Yeah, and it definitely can't be good," Sora agreed. "Well, at least nobody in the castle is shooting at us."

_Yet,_ Roxas said darkly.

The fact that there seemed to be very little activity around the castle itself seemed rather ominous to Sora, considering it was basically the nerve center and seat of government for all of Dark City. The last time he had seen it from outside, it had been buzzing with activity, ships and winged creatures flying all over the place, going to and from the fortress or the city on various errands. There had been flashing spotlights, swirling clouds of darkness, even a giant swirling vortex of green fire! But the castle seemed so much quieter now. The spotlights and most of the other lights in the castle had been switched off. The dark clouds had dissipated. The vortex was gone. And, in many ways the most disturbing of all, the thorny tendrils symbolizing Maleficent's power looked much weaker, their twisted forms withered and frail. Sora could see no reason why Maleficent would possibly allow a symbol of her reign such as that to waste away, which only heightened his fears.

Those fears got worse as he got closer to the castle and saw that numerous ships had actually crashed into the citadel's jagged towers, littering debris everywhere and damaging the castle superficially. This was an even greater sign that all was not well within. Sora was half-surprised that the castle was still flying, since clearly the thing's defenses hadn't prevented any of these crashes…or even stopped him, who in any other circumstance might be an airborne threat, from getting this close. Neither brother talked much, both Sora and Roxas terrified that they'd make it back to the chapel only to find a room full of dead bodies.

"No, they've gotta be all right," Sora said, more to himself than to Roxas. "I mean, Riku and the King were there, there's no way they'd let anything happen."

_Sora, Riku and King Mickey aren't invincible,_ Roxas said quietly. _You know that as well as I do. If Oberon could throw us about as easily as he did…though, mind you, that might not have happened if a certain someone hadn't been a little more careful…_

"Hey!"

_But like I said, if Oberon could toss us about…us, who not only whupped most of Organization XIII, but also beat Xehanort, Riku, Sephiroth, and a bunch of other guys…so easily, there's a very good chance our friends are toast._ Roxas' voice sounded bleak and hopeless. _Sora, I don't want that to be true just as much as you do. But there's a difference between what we want and what actually is._

"Yeah," Sora said quietly. "I know."

_So…just, you know, don't expect the best, okay? Something I learned from seeing Demyx's hopes crushed over and over again while I was in the Organization (often by me) is that being an optimist means watching your precious, naïve beliefs about everything get proven totally wrong on a nearly consecutive basis, leading to a ton of heartbreak, which hurts, even if you're a Nobody and don't have a heart. Better to always expect the worst and be constantly surprised than to always expect the best and be constantly let down._

Sora grimaced. "That's kind of depressing, but it sort of makes sense. I'm not sure I can ever…well, be like that full-time, though. My heart's not in it."

_Which is why you've got me around. To be the voice of reason._

Sora snorted. "You, reason?"

_Hey, don't give me that tone of voice, mister. Okay, maybe not reason, but I suppose our respective qualities balance each other out, like your cloying niceness and my obnoxious behavior, or your annoying habit of avoiding anything sexual and my 'perverted' naughtiness. Neither of us would be the same without the other. Together, we make a complete person._

Sora didn't quite think of either of the traits Roxas had attributed to him 'annoying', but said, "I thought we both already knew that."

_I know, just saying._

"Whatever."

_Don't say that, that's Leon's line. You don't want to become like Leon, do you?_

Frightened at the thought, Sora shook his head frantically. "No way. Thanks for the warning."

_See, told you I was the voice of reason._

Sora snorted. "More like my dark side."

_No, that's Anti Form. I think. Not actually sure._

"What's up with that, anyway? How the heck can I turn into a Heartless for a short time if I not only have my heart back, but my Nobody?"

_Not a clue. Let's just blame the fairies who made the magic clothes that let you turn into different Forms and leave it at that._

"If you say so."

_Yes. Yes, I do._

"…"

Soon enough, they reached the chapel at the top of the keep. Sora was relieved to see that it was still relatively intact…other than the cracks on the roof, with a few tiny holes here and there. "Well, at least this place hasn't blown up. That's a good sign, right?"

_Assuming Oberon didn't just kill everyone inside without causing any big explosions, yeah._

Sora flinched. "Thank you for that lovely thought."

_What did I say before about expecting the worst? Besides, it's what I would've done, back when I was Number XIII of the Organization._

"Thank you for that thought, too."

_Hey, if you're the goody-goody part of me, then I'm the not-so-good_ _part. You should've figured that out by now._

"I keep hoping some of my goodness has rubbed off on you."

_Just like I keep hoping some of my not-so-goodness rubs off on you so you won't be such a wuss all the time. Let's just take a look inside and see what's up. And if Oberon's there, we'll whup his ass._

"Think we can?"

_If you let _me_ handle him, definitely._

"Yeah, we'll see about that…not sure the galaxy at large is ready to know you still exist inside of me."

_Better them finding out about me than learning Riku's still got Xehanort locked up inside him and could switch with him at will, if he wanted. Not that he will. I hope._

"Good point." Sora flew towards the chapel…

And ran right into an invisible wall. "Ow!"

_The heck's that?_

Sora moved back a little and extended his hands, waving them through the air to try and find the wall. He made contact and pressed against it, feeling a faint curve in its structure. "It's some kind of force field, like the kind that keeps going up for a lot of our battles for some reason. It feels…bubble-shaped. Probably runs around the entire chapel, top and bottom."

_Makes sense, no real purpose in a force field that blocks access from one way but is completely open somewhere else. I mean, other than to deflect an attack from a certain angle, though I doubt that's why this one is here._

"Which means this is here either to keep something out…"

_Or to keep something else in. Right._

Sora felt his spirits rise. "Roxas, I know you said to expect the worst, but…"

_Yeah, I know. There'd be no reason to put up a force field if there wasn't any life left to contain, right?_

"Which means our friends may still be alive. And therefore, we still have a chance."

_Exactly._

"So…" Sora felt around the force field. "How're we gonna get past this thing, exactly?"

…_Gee, I dunno, maybe you could try whacking it with your giant key._

"Doubt that would work, most of the force fields I've encountered before are too strong for the Keyblade to shatter."

… _I was being _sarcastic, _you idiot. Look, if our Keyblade could break that Immobilizega spell, then it sure as heck could probably open up a magical force field too._

"Oh. Right. Why'd we never try that before?"

_Because the force fields usually lowered after we killed everything in the area, so there was no point in trying?_

"Well, I'm not sure there wasn't a _point_, a lot of the times those force fields kept my friends out, and I bet it would have been a big help if they could have joined in the fight."

_Eh, they'd have just gotten in the way._

"Would not."

_Would too._

"What…I mean, let's not go into that," Sora corrected himself, not wanting to fall into the trap of becoming like Leon. "So, we're thinking it's possible to 'unlock' this thing using the Keyblade, right?"

_Right._

"Well then, let's give it a shot." In a flash of light, the Fenrir Keyblade materialized in Sora's hand. He gripped it with both hands, pointed it at the invisible barrier…

Then frowned in thought. "No…this isn't the right spot."

_What do you mean?_

Sora started flying slowly around the chapel, as if looking for something. "The Keyblade can only open or close a door if it finds its respective keyhole. That's how it works. Since we're trying to 'open' the door that is this force field by 'unlocking' its keyhole, we first need to find the keyhole for the spell that generates the force field."

_Oh._ There was a moment's pause. _Ah…Sora, I don't know much about how magic works…neither of us do…but where exactly would one find the keyhole for a spell? And for that matter…what makes you think it's going to be out here?_

"Has to be," Sora said confidently.

…_And you know this how?_

"Well, you're right, I don't know much about magic. But I know something about keys and doors. My Keyblade's telling me there's a lock somewhere around here, on the outside."

_Why would it be on the outside?_

"I think…it's not a _keyhole_, specifically, since this is a spell, but more or less of…a weak spot. An area where certain things can pass through the force field in either direction. That way, Oberon could still leave after throwing up the shield, if he wanted to, while trapping everyone else inside. Could even toss something else in too, if he wanted, and still keep anyone else, like us, from getting in."

_And this two-way weakness represents the keyhole?_

"Pretty much, yeah. And by exploiting the weak spot…"

_We can open the force field._

"Right. And the Keyblade tells me its right about…here!" Sora stopped, pointing at a totally blank and unobtrusive-looking patch of air.

_You sure?_

"Positive." Sora raised his Keyblade above his head. "Okay…Keyhole, Reveal!"

A glowing crown seal made of light formed under his feet, much like the one hanging around his neck. Points of light began to gather in the patch of air Sora had indicated, joining together with a flash of light to form a shimmering keyhole.

_Nice._

"Thanks. Okay!" Sora hopped back a few feet in the air, pointing his Keyblade at the keyhole with both hands. "Keyhole…Unseal!" Star-shaped motes swirled to the tip of his Keyblade from every direction, coalescing to form a small ball of blue energy which fired a pencil-thin beam of light at the keyhole. The beam pierced the heart of the keyhole, a small halo radiating out from the point of entry, causing the hole itself to flash. The keyhole grew brighter, light shimmering within its depths, followed by a very loud 'click', the sound of something unlocking.

The air around the chapel wavered, shimmered, and suddenly resolved to form a large transparent sphere made of hundreds of small hexagonal panels. As Sora and Roxas watched, the panels began to vanish, starting near the keyhole and radiating outward, until very soon there were none left at all and the force field was completely gone.

"There," Sora said, rather pleased with himself. "All clear."

_Nice work. Now let's get in there._

"Right!" Sora started flying over.

_Wait, first we need to work out our entrance._

Sora blinked. "Huh?"

_As the great hero coming to the rescue, we're obligated to make a dramatic entrance. It's the rule._

"Uh, okay…" Sora blinked. "So…how do we enter, then?"

_I think there would be a nice circularity and sense of style, not to mention respect for the setting, if we busted in through the same window we were hurled out of._

"Why does it look like it's been fixed, by the way?"

_No clue, but it works in our advantage. That way, we can shatter it again when we come through it, drawing everyone's attention to us and making the moment that more dramatic._

"Are you sure about this?"

_It's sure to make Riku jealous. He'd probably come in the same way if he could._

"Oh, well in that case…" Sora floated over to the big stained-glass window in question.

_You should probably come at it from a distance to build up some speed so we'll go flying through when we hit it. That way our momentum will carry us out into the center of the room and not only draw everyone's attention, but probably give us the position needed to take immediate advantage of Oberon (or whoever's) moment of surprise caused by us breaking in._

"Won't that hurt?"

_Not if we use Reflega to deflect the glass away from us on impact._

"Well, okay…" Somewhat dubious about this, Sora backed up a ways. "This far enough?"

_Yeah, sure. Now…ramming speed!_

"Okay…" Wondering why exactly he was listening to his not-quite-good side, Sora started charging towards the window at full speed, Keyblade extended. At the last instant, he cast, "Reflega!", hit the window…

And bounced off the reinforced glass Oberon had put in. "Ow!"

_Okay, that could have gone better…_ Sora fumed at his 'brother' and the recalcitrant window for a moment. _Um, think we could unlock that?_

Sora shook his head. "It's one thing to unlock a force field. I'm not sure we're ready yet to 'unlock' solid objects, since it involves messing with way too many molecules and subatomic stuff."

_Hmm, point. So…bash the heck out of it?_

Sora sighed and drew back his Keyblade to do just that. "Guess so." He hoped that his friends could hold out for a little longer.

…

Inside the chapel, Mogrika started when her communicator beeped. "Kupo! Mistah M, we got a signal!"

"What?! Finally! Quick, gimme that thing, kupo!" Montblanc grabbed the communicator and held it to his ear. "Hello, mothership?"

"_Mr. Montblanc! It's about time; we've been trying to contact you for the last several minutes! Things are getting pretty crazy up here, kupo!"_ Commodore Stiltzkin said anxiously from his position in orbit.

"Crazy? In what way?" asked the frowning Montblanc.

_The Heartless and Nobody ships in orbit seem to be losing it, kupo! They're either attacking each other, us, or flying about randomly without any concern for what or who might be in their way! Kupopo, I thought we had a Truce! The heck's going on down there?_

Montblanc frowned deeply. "Hmm…listen, long story, but the shoit of it is that it's all Oberon's fault."

"_Oberon?! As in…"_

"Yes, _that_ Oberon."

"_Kupoooooooooooo!"_

"Hey, hey, get a grip, kupo! Look, we got a bad situation here, tons of Unseelie constantly replenishing themselves with orders to kill everyone in the room. We haven't been able to contact youse till now, which means that something must have brought down the barrier Oberon used to trap us in here. We need youse to get the Don out of here and send down reinforcements, kupo!"

"_Wh-what? The Don's in danger?! Kupo! Don't worry, Mr. Montblanc, we got some of the Trade Federation's finest ready to go! Beam em' down in a jiffy! Mothership out, kupo!"_

Montblanc tossed the communicator back to Mogrika. "Okay, everybody listen up, kupo! I've made contact with our ships in orbit, they're gonna send down reinforcements and get the Don outta here!"

There was a deep collective sigh of relief, and one tired "Kweh!" "Mistah M, shouldn't we go too?" Mugmug asked.

Montblanc shook his head. "Kupo! No way! We're Moogles, dammit, we don't run from a fight, we protect our investment! We've thrown in our lot with King Mickey's little alliance shindig, so it behooves us to help save that alliance and get him back! A deal's a deal, right, gang?"

"Right, kupo!" the Moogle merchants/warriors cheered, the Don "Kweh!"-ing in agreement.

After a moment, green sparkles started swirling around the Don, and his feathery fat form shimmered and began to fade. "K-kweh?!" he squawked in alarm.

"Don't worry, Don, it's just the teleporter beaming youse up to orbit," Montblanc assured the Chocobo. "We'll see youse again after we're through here, capiche?"

"Kweh!" the Don agreed, before vanishing in a flash of green light. A moment later, there were several more flashes of green light, at least two or three dozen of them, and suddenly there were quite a few more creatures in the room, none of them servants of Oberon. The Unseelie hissed in alarm, not expecting this. Their master had told them they would be the only ones who could come and go in the chapel! How could these newcomers have possibly found a way through Lord Oberon's spell?

The newcomers were all tough, experienced, and extremely powerful warriors, some of the Trade Federation's finest, all representatives of its numerous member species. There were heavily armored reptilian Bangaa, the rat-like Burmecians with their long tails and spears, hulking Galka, short but nasty Lilties with their armor and maces, feline Mithra, the long-eared magically adept Nu Mou, mighty leonine Ronso with lances and horns, porcine Seeq, mysterious Yukes, cactus-like Cactuars, armored Chocobos (_without_ riders), hairy Yeti, a number of extra Moogles with a variety of weapons, humans of multiple skills and prowess, and last but most definitely not least, the lovely and talented Viera. As the warriors instantly got into formation, spread out, and started inflicting hell on the totally unprepared Unseelie, one of the Viera, a fine example of her race with her furry dark brown skin, long white hair, bunny ears, and the kind of figure that would make her any young man's ideal wet dream, approached and saluted Montblanc. Her (very revealing) uniform and jewelry revealed her to be a high-ranking soldier in the Trade Federation's private army. "Clan Leader Montblanc. What is the situation here?"

"Kupo! A virtually endless stream of hostiles, limited numbers to fight them with, and a ticking death clock which'll kill us all if we don't find a way to stop it before time runs out!" Montblanc informed her.

"Hmm, sounds like that one time back on Jagd Ahli all over again," the Viera said.

Montblanc nodded, "Yes, except this time we gots some reinforcements in the form of youse and your company here, kupo. Should be enough to turn the tide in our favor, right Commander Shara?"

The Viera nodded. "Indeed! I don't think there's anything to worry about now that we're here. You have done well holding them back until we got here."

"Well, of course we have!" Montblanc said, puffing his chest out with pride. "We're Moogles, kupo!"

"Yes," she said softly, a fond smile on her face. "You are indeed." Rather impulsively, she bent down and kissed Montblanc on the nose, then fondled his antenna briefly, startling him. His cheeks went bright red. "Now, I must be off. These Unseelie shall regret threatening the Trade Federation!" she quickly bounded off, as only well-endowed long-legged bunny women can, to join her troops in slaughtering the monsters.

The Moogles blinked, and then stared at Montblanc, who was flushing deeply and fidgeting with his antenna. They glanced at each other in amazement. Then, an angry Mogrika stepped forward, grabbed Montblanc by the front of his suit, and started shaking him vigorously. "Kupo! 'Fess up! What was that all about?!"

"K-Kupoooooo! Wh-what was what all about?!" Montblanc stammered, trying to pull out of his subordinate's grasp.

"Don't give me that, kupo! She kissed you!" Mogrika said angrily. "What's up with that?!" A number of other Moogles, all female and also looking quite angry, were surrounding Montblanc now. The males looked at each other in confusion, glanced at Montblanc, and felt a strange mixture of pity and envy.

"N-n-nothing, kupopo!" Montblanc protested. "W-we're just old friends, t-that's all, honest! We served together in the same unit back before I became Clan leader, and we've kept in touch ever since!"

The ladies weren't buying it. "Old friends, huh? That kiss looked a bit more than just 'friendly', and she touched your pompom, and you let her, kupo!" Molulu accused him.

"H-hey, friends kiss all the time, kupo" Montblanc protested. "I kiss youse guys on the cheeks now and then, and it don't mean a thing, right?" This last was directed at his male subordinates.

They glanced at each other. "Well, yeah, to be friendly," Mogrich said.

"But you never, _ever_ touch our antenna," Mogwin pointed out. "And you just let Miss Shara get away with it, kupo. You didn't even complain, which means you…_enjoyed _it."

"S-Shara's quite a woman, it ain't exactly easy to tell her what she can or can't do, kupo," Montblanc said quickly.

"Even when you're Clan leader, and her superior?" a fuming Suzuna pointed out.

"…Ah. Well. Um. Er. Crap," Montblanc said finally, having no good reply to that. "Kupo."

"Ohhhh," said Mogmi, finally getting it. "So _that's _where all those love letters to the Clan leader came from…and who he's always going out on 'private business' with, kupo."

"Kupoooooo! You weren't supposed to know about that!" Montblanc screamed, as the women howled, "LOVE LETTERS?!"

Mogrika dropped Montblanc to the ground and pulled out her weapon, a very nasty-looking mace. "Commander Shara must die, kupo!"

"Kupokupokupokupokupo!" the other ladies agreed, pulling out their own weapons and charging into the melee, presumably to murder the Viera.  
"Ow…kupo," Montblanc, who had been trampled on by the females in their mad bloodthirsty rush, groaned. "Somebody help me up…kupopo!"

"Kupo! Why did they act that way, bro?" a mystified Moggy asked his older brother Mogster as some of the others helped Montblanc up, brushed him off, and tried to get his suit back in order.

Mogster crossed his arms. "Mistah M is sort of a hot commodity among us Moogles, kupo. Quite a number of ladies have fancied him for a very long time, though before now he's never revealed who he likes the most. Only a Moogle whom you trust completely and absolutely is allowed to touch the pom-pom, kupo, which is why we get so pissy when stupid people fondle it because they think it's 'cute'. The fact that Mistah M let Commander Shara not just kiss him but touch the pom-pom and get _away_ with it, as well as his reaction to her doing that, implies that they are in a serious relationship. The ladies were angry because they realized that all of them had lost out their chance of being with Mistah M because Commander Shara beat 'em to it. So, naturally, they all now hate her guts and will try their utmost to pulverize her, kupo…something they will have very little luck of doing, since Commander Shara is an extremely skilled combatant, and will probably beat them into the ground, not without some difficulty, of course."

Moggy blinked. "But…kupo! Weren't some of those dames…"

"Married already? Yes, which just goes to show you how lucrative a chance to be with Mistah M is for _any_ gal, kupo," Mogster explained. "He is very sexy."

"Ohhh, I see. Gosh bro, you sure know a lot," Moggy exclaimed.

Mogster nodded. "Yeah, I know…."

"Women can be scary, huh bro?"

Mogster nodded. "They certainly can be, they certainly can be."

There was a pause. Then Moggy's antenna drooped. "I wish I were as sexy as Mistah M, bro."

Mogster sighed. "Me too…kupo."

The fact that several dozen very skilled warriors had just appeared in the room was not lost on the other fighters, and raised their hopes that they might find a way out of this mess. Quickly, everyone who could started calling for reinforcements. The Archadians and Dalmascans were able to beam down more troops from their ships in orbit, but things got a little awkward when the newcomers realized their fellows had sort of been working together with their sworn enemies for the last several minutes. After some tense debate, they tentatively agreed to continue working together, just for a little while, until they got their respective monarchs back. Similarly, the Royal Knights summoned troops of their own from the Digital World, a small army of Knightmon, warriors in heavy knight armor with huge broadswords, to help them out. "They're not riding steeds," Sleipmon complained to Gallantmon. "So why do _you_ still have to ride on my back?!"

"Well, I certainly can't ride on any of their backs," Gallantmon pointed out. "I'm bigger than they are. And I don't think I'd fit well on the backs of any of the other Royal Knights either. Well, except maybe Duftmon's, but I don't like the way he smells." Sleipmon just sighed and shook his head, giving up.

"Hmm, just in time," commented Darkwing when he heard the news. "I'm almost out of ammo. Still ten kills higher than you, though."

"Dammit!" Negaduck cursed.

Darkwing quickly pulled out a communicator. "Launchpad! Launchpad, come in!" There was a loud crackling noise, either indicating that the signal was weak or that Launchpad, Darkwing's sidekick, was currently eating some very crunchy junk food in the cockpit of their ship. "He'd better not be getting crumbs all over the dashboard again…" Darkwing growled.

"_Oh, hey DW! What's up?"_ Launchpad jovially called over the other end, probably spitting crumbs into his speaker in the process.

"Oh, not much," Darkwing said sarcastically. "We're just under siege from an army of evil fairies who want to rip our guts out and wear out skins as a fashion statement."

"_Oh, good, I was worried it was something important,"_ Launchpad said, sounding relieved.

Darkwing smacked his forehead. Negaduck snickered behind him. "Shut up."

"_What?"_

"Wasn't talking to you. Okay, Launchpad, I could use some backup down here. Where are you?"

"_In orbit, watching the awesome space battle."_

"Space battle?" asked an alarmed Darkwing.

"_Yeah, all the ships are shooting each other for some reason. It's really cool, like some sci-fi movie! I'm recording it to study later; there are some really spectacular crashes up here! I want to try some of them out, they look incredible!"_

"Ah, maybe later," Darkwing said anxiously, knowing it had been a bad idea to let Launchpad fly his new space-worthy Astroquack from St. Canard to Dark City. Still, Launchpad was the only one who knew how the darn thing worked, Darkwing didn't have the slightest idea what most of those flashing buttons and doodads did… "Look, can you get down here ASAP? I could use a hand."

"_Roger that, DW! Launchpad out."_

"You do realize he's going to crash whatever ship you used to get here right through the wall," Negaduck pointed out.

Darkwing sighed. "Yeah, I know…damn, and I was just getting used to the Astroquack too."

As if on cue, there was a terrific explosion as the nearest wall blasted open, the tip of an enormous black metal sneering duck bill crashing through and massacring all the Unseelie nearby. The bill kept coming; dragging along a cockpit with windows shaped to look like the duck's eyes and a good bit of the vehicle's fuselage, though the wings got stuck outside and kept the ship from moving any further in. The abrupt and unexpected entrance of this space vehicle naturally did not go unnoticed.

"Hey…that looks kind of like one of _our_ ships," Wildwing, leader of the Mighty Ducks, commented. "Other than being completely the wrong color for hockey." His teammates nodded in agreement.

Scrooge sighed and shook his head. "This has all the characteristics of a typical Launchpad McQuack landing…come on lads, we might as well say hello and keep him from getting his head bitten off by one of these monsters."

As the fighting quickly resumed, the momentary lull caused by the ship's crash already passing, Darkwing and Negaduck quickly fought their way over to the nose of the Astroquack. "Launchpad!" Darkwing yelled, knocking his fist on the duck bill. "Launchpad! Open up!"

"Sure thing, DW!" The two similarly-dressed caped ducks stepped back as the bill shuddered and reluctantly cranked open with a very loud metallic groan and pneumatic hiss, air rushing into the revealed opening to correct the change in pressure. Launchpad, a tall, bulky, kind of goofy-looking duck with a mop of red hair, ever-present aviator's cap, and a scarf and space suit clambered out. "What did you think of my landing? Not bad, huh? Even managed to get as close as I could by homing in on your communicator!"

Darkwing sighed and examined the part of the Astroquack spaceship he could see. It had taken some damage from smashing through the castle wall. The beak was crumpled, (amazing it had opened at all, and was _staying_ open), there were a number of large dents, chunks of metal had imbedded themselves into the ship's hull and windshield, and it looked like quite a few parts of the hull had been broken off by impact. Sparks flew from exposed, burning circuit boards and machinery. There was a loud creak, followed with the sound of a snap, and then the entire ship groaned and titled a few inches to the right, causing the opening it was wedged in to crack and crumble a bit more. From long experience, Darkwing took this to mean that one of the wings had broken off. "Well…despite everything, I think the damage could've been worse. On a scale of 1-10, I'd say this crash ranks…a -4, surprisingly good for you, Launchpad."

"Aw, darn it!" Launchpad moaned despondently. "I'm sorry DW; I've just been off this week! I mean, just the other day I landed the Thunderquack without even scratching the paintjob! Don't worry; I'll do better next time! I'll get back to -10 sooner or later!"

"Yes," Darkwing said with a weary sigh. "You do that, Launchpad."

Negaduck raised an eyebrow. "Your sidekick's nuts," he whispered to his nemesis.

Darkwing nodded wearily. "Yeah, I know."

"Well, if it isn't Launchpad! Still alive and well I see, no matter how much it goes against the laws of probability!" Scrooge said, coming over with Gizmoduck, his bodyguards, and the cringing Flintheart.

"Hey, Launchpad! Glad you could make it!" Gizmoduck said cordially.

"Hey, Mr. McDee, Gizmoduck!" Launchpad said enthusiastically, overjoyed to be reunited with his former employer and semi-coworker. "I didn't know you were gonna be here!"

"I didn't know you would be here either." Scrooge glanced at the crashed ship. "Hmm. Not bad. I'd say a -4 on a scale of 1-10."

"I know!" Launchpad cried in despair, covering his face with an arm. "I'm so ashamed! Don't look at me!" They stared at him. "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" They quickly averted their gaze. Scrooge's other bodyguards fanned out to secure the perimeter and keep the Unseelie away from the Astroquack.

"Well, good to see Launchpad's still his usual old self…I think…" Gizmoduck said uncertainly.

"Yes…quite. Darkwing!" Scrooge said, changing the subject. "I take Launchpad's presence and those other warriors who just joined us to mean that Oberon's barrier is gone?"

"I suppose so, Mr. McDuck," Darkwing said. "Why, thinking of beaming out of here? Wouldn't blame you if you did."

Scrooge snorted. "What, and miss out on all this? Heavens, no! What are ye, daft?!"

Darkwing raised an eyebrow. "This guy's crazy too," Negaduck hissed to him.

"I think the appropriate term is 'eccentric'," Darkwing whispered back.

"We both know eccentric is just another word for crazy," Negaduck growled.

"Yes, but he's extremely wealthy, so we call him 'eccentric', because we don't want to insult the guy who could probably buy and sell everything we owned several times over," Darkwing replied.

"Point," Negaduck grunted.

"The reason I asked was because I was hoping you could take this sniveler here," the wealthy tycoon said, indicating a whimpering Flintheart. "And get him out of here to a safe place. He's made a deal with me to give me half of all his munny and holdings if I saved his worthless hide. However, I don't quite trust him enough to beam him to one of my ships (wouldn't want him to steal any designs or industrial secrets while he's up there, now would we?), so I was hoping you could take him away."

Darkwing glanced at the Astroquack, then at Launchpad. "Ah, Launchpad, when do you suppose you can get this thing flying again?"

Launchpad broke out of his depression and glanced at the vessel speculatively. "Oh, not long, maybe a month tops."

"Yeah, that's what I figured," Darkwing said with a sigh.

"Oh well," said Scrooge with a shrug. "That's a pity; I was willing to pay you to make sure he made it back home safely, too." Darkwing cringed as he heard this, and glared at Launchpad, blaming him (rightfully so) for the vast sum of munny they were not going to receive.

"Did you say munny?" Negaduck asked eagerly. "Because it just so happens that _I_ still have a perfectly working vessel I could take Mr. Glomgold home with!" _And steal all his loot when I get there,_ he though to himself.

"What? No! Not him!!!" Flintheart wailed. "Nononono! I won't go with him! He'll rob me blind!"

"You don't have to, I wouldn't have paid Negaduck to anyway," Scrooge said.

Negaduck blinked, looking hurt. "What? Why not?"

"Because you're a supervillain, duh," Gizmoduck and Darkwing both said. Negaduck crossed his arms and grumbled under his breath.

"Say," Launchpad said, getting an idea. "I might be able to fix the ship faster if I had some…spare parts…" He gave a rather disturbing look at Gizmoduck.

The cyborg in question started sweating. "Mr. McDuck, why is he looking at me like that?"

"Launchpad, you may not dismantle Gizmoduck for spare parts, I need him," McDuck intervened.

"Aw, nuts," Launchpad complained. Very nervous, Gizmoduck hid behind Glomgold.

"Well, ah, we might not be able to take Mr. Glomgold away," Darkwing said quickly. "But, uh, perhaps we could help protect him—and yourself!—until we can safely get away from here? For a price, naturally…"

"A price? Aw, we don't have to do that, DW," Launchpad interrupted. "We're superheroes! We do stuff like that for free all the time!"

Darkwing's eye twitched while Negaduck tried to stifle his laughter. "Shut up, Launchpad."

"Hmm, but he has a point," Scrooge commented. "And besides, I already pay Gizmoduck and my other bodyguards to do that sort of thing. No reason to pay you if you'd do the same thing for free, is there?"

"No," said a depressed Darkwing, who really could have used the munny. "I suppose there isn't. Oh well." He sighed and pushed his hat back. "Fine. Launchpad, can you get some of the special gear out of the Astroquack? We're going to need it, and as much ammo as possible, to get rid of all these monsters!"

Launchpad laughed nervously. "Well…ah…that's the thing, DW…"

Darkwing froze. Slowly, he turned to look at Launchpad. "Launchpad, where is the gear?"

"Um…ah…" Launchpad fidgeted. "It's on board, but…ah…most of it's in pieces."

"In pieces," Darkwing said flatly.

"Yes. Well, you know…it was a big crash. Something had to get broken, right?" Launchpad said helplessly.

"Broken," Darkwing repeated deadpan.

"Uh, yeah. Your gas canisters are okay, though! Most of them, anyway," Launchpad said nervously. There was a tremendous explosion from inside the Astroquack, causing the ship to groan and wobble ominously. The hole it was wedged in crumbled a little bit more. "Er, make that some of them." Another explosion. The other wing fell off, causing the ship to groan and wobble even more. "Ah, a few-" A third explosion. "I'll just stop talking now."

Darkwing put his face in his hands. "That would probably be a good thing." He saw peripherally through his fingers that Negaduck was no longer trying to hide his amusement and was rolling on the floor with laughter. Darkwing briefly contemplated killing Launchpad, decided Negaduck had more expertise at that sort of thing, and decided to bring it up with his evil double at a later date as a sort of 'what if' scenario. Gizmoduck put a sympathetic hand on Darkwing's shoulder, something he did not really want right then.

Scrooge sighed. "And the boys wonder why I fired him in the first place…"

"Oh, uh, but I do have _some_ good news, DW," Launchpad said quickly.

He glanced up. "Really." Darkwing almost dreaded asking. "And that would be…"

"Gosalyn's here."

"Hi dad, hi Launchpad, hi Negaduck, hi Gizmoduck, hi Mr. McDuck, hi nameless minor characters—I mean, bodyguards," said Darkwing Duck's, or rather, Drake Mallard's, adopted daughter Gosalyn as she climbed out of the open beak of the Astroquack, wearing her Quiverwing Quack costume, which consisted of a light purple T-shirt with a Q printed on it, gloves, and boots over a green leotard with a red cape and a green angular domino mask. A quiver and bow were strapped to her back. "Oh, and hi ugly old guy who's clearly undressing me with his eyes." Flintheart sneered at her, and then went back to leering, until Darkwing gave him a look that said _I will kill you if you stare at her one second longer,_ so he stopped.

"Hey, it's the kid," said an astonished Negaduck. "What's she doing here?"

"I'm wondering the same thing," agreed Gizmoduck.

"I didn't know you were a father," the surprised Scrooge said to Darkwing.

"Hello, Gosalyn." Somehow, Darkwing was not surprised by her sudden appearance. Everything else was going so poorly today, it only made sense that she'd be here too. "Aren't you supposed to be in St. Canard, studying for your finals?"

"I was," Gosalyn told him.

"But let me guess, you thought that was boring, so decided to stow on board when you heard Launchpad and I were going to another world," Darkwing said.

"No!" Gosalyn argued. "Well, yes, but then you caught me sneaking on and made me go home."

"And then?" Darkwing pressed.

"And then I was home, and…Mom kindasorta used her magic to zap me over here."

"You're married?!" Negaduck and Scrooge both cried in astonishment.

"Oh yeah, I remember that…" Gizmoduck reminisced. "It was such a lovely wedding, wasn't it, Launchpad?"

"Oh, yeah, great," Launchpad agreed, a dreamy look on his face. "Remember how I crashed my biplane into the wedding cake when I was trying to skywrite a picture of the happy couple above the ceremony, and Morgana got pissed and turned me into a toad for a month? Good times, good times."

"…You people are daft," Flintheart snarled. "I think I'd be better off with the Unseelie than you nutters." He heard a death shriek from one of the Unseelie as one of Scrooge's bodyguards pumped it full of lead, shuddered, and revised his statement. "Well, maybe I'll just stick around a little longer…"

Darkwing sighed in exasperation. "Gosalyn, what have I told you about using your mother's magic for frivolous purposes?!"

"Hey, it wasn't my idea!" Gosalyn protested. "She said she sensed some major mystical 'disturbance' something or other near where you were, so sent me over here to help out!"

"And that was totally her idea?" Darkwing asked skeptically.

"Yes! Well…okay, maybe I convinced her a little," Gosalyn admitted.

Darkwing sighed in exasperation…again. "And…I don't suppose she provided you with a way to get _back_, did she?"

"Yes," Gosalyn admitted reluctantly.

"Good, then you're going to use it to go home right now, this place is way too dangerous for you," Darkwing said. He paused, and then pointed at Flintheart. "Oh yeah, take him with you, Mr. McDuck was offering to pay me for ensuring that guy's safe travel home."

"Wait now, I thought I retracted-" Scrooge protested.

"MR. MCDUCK WAS OFFERING TO PAY ME FOR ENSURING THAT GUY'S SAFE TRAVEL HOME," Darkwing said loudly. "So, Gosalyn, if you could just, you know, take this guy home, get back to studying, put that costume back in the locked trunk in the attic I hid it in…"

"Um…I can't," Gosalyn said apologetically, pulling a small charm out of her pocket. It was in several pieces. "It kinda got broken when Launchpad crashed."

"…Ah. Of course it did. Of course it did," Darkwing said with yet another sigh.

"This is why I stayed single," Negaduck told his rival. "Less of a hassle."

"Shut up."

"So, I…guess I get to stay, huh?" Gosalyn asked her father.

Darkwing gritted his teeth. "Yes. Yes, you do. I suppose it's too much to ask you stay inside the ship where it's safe rather than risk your life out here?"

"You call _that_ safe?" Gosalyn asked, pointing a thumb over her shoulder at the wreck she had just come out of.

"…Point," Darkwing admitted reluctantly.

"It's useless to try and make them stay put," said Scrooge, shaking his head wearily. "Trust me, I know from experience. You're better off just taking her with you and doing the best you can to keep her safe. It'll cost you less (financially and emotionally) in the long run."

"Sounds good to me," Gosalyn said cheerfully.

"All right, all right," Darkwing said, caving in. "Fine. You can come with us. But like Mr. McDuck said, _stay close_, okay?"

She nodded. "Of course! Thanks dad!" She gave him a kiss on the cheek, than ran over to the line of bodyguards to help them in repelling the Unseelie. Gizmoduck quickly came over, ostensibly to help out but also to keep an eye on her. Flintheart was also keeping an eye on her…but for very different reasons. He had to admit, her outfit brought out her maturing feminine attributes very well. It took no long stretch of the imagination to see that Gosalyn would be a very attractive young woman when she grew up…and imagination was one thing other than munny that Flintheart had plenty of, especially when it came to women. He'd have to make a note to keep an eye on this young duckling in the future. Not where her father was within range of throttling him, of course.

Negaduck sneered. "She makes a cute sidekick, don't you think? The kind that looks _real_ good with their blood splattered on the pavement?"

"Oh, shut up," Darkwing snapped. "At least I actually have a sidekick, and real friends, unlike you!"

"Hey, I have friends!" Negaduck protested.

"No you don't, lackeys, henchmen, and other supervillains working under you don't count!" Darkwing pointed out. "And don't even bother bringing up that whole Negaverse thing; we both know that doesn't count either!"

Negaduck glared at him and crossed his arms. "Jerk."

Darkwing glared right back. "Dumbass. Say, Mr. McDuck…you, ah, mentioned you could just beam up to your ship whenever you wanted…I don't suppose you could…"

Scrooge snorted. "Send her up? Dream on, lad. We both know she'd just break out of whatever secure place I put her in and teleport back down here, possibly costing me thousands of munny due to damage to my ship, personnel, and security systems in the process. And my insurance doesn't cover damages caused by growing adolescent children, not after everything my nephews have wrecked during our many adventures."

"Yeah," Darkwing Duck admitted with a heavy sigh, giving up his last hope. "Somehow I thought you'd say that."

"Aw, don't worry DW, I'm sure Gosalyn will be fine! Look how well she's taking down those monsters with her arrows! Wow! What marksmanship!" Launchpad observed.

"And all killing shots too…" added an impressed Negaduck. "Doesn't need to waste more than one arrow on a single target, and even runs out to collect and reuse them whenever there's an opening. This girl's good, a natural killer…hey, maybe I should ask her to be _my_ sidekick."

"Don't you dare," Darkwing snapped. "Ugh, somehow I'm not surprised. This is what comes of letting her play all those violent video games. I can't believe I bought that, "But Dad, they're educationaaaaal!' line."

"You fell for that?" asked an amazed Scrooge. "I thought all parents knew that was just a load of hooey. I never believed it, even when I didn't really know what the heck a video game was!"

"Yeah, really, what were you thinking?" Negaduck asked him. "That's something _I_ would give to my kids, not a goody-two-shoes like you."

"Oh, shut up," Darkwing groaned, putting his face in his hands. "Just shut up."

The Space Rangers had called in backup as well, beaming down a couple dozen additional fighters to bolster their ranks and sending up the wounded. Zurg had also been able to summon quite a few new Hyper-Hornets, which was a good thing because most of the old ones had been destroyed by the Unseelies by now. However, the Space Rangers got even more help when Buzz returned, with some new friends…

"Where did you say you met these buddies of yours, Lightyear?" Commander Nebula asked, watching with interest as Nervous Rex bit off an Unseelie giant's head, a giant piggy bank hurled giant coins, what appeared to be a tremendous walking potato with a bowler hat and interchangeable features bodily tackled anything that got in its way, a cross between a wiener dog and a giant Slinky wrapped Unseelie up in its coils so some of his more powerful companions could take them out, and what appeared to be an animated sentient jeep just mowed the monsters down under its wheels.

"They're Toys, from that forbidden planet I discovered," Buzz reminded the Commander, watching with pride as Woody and his partner Jessie took out monsters with their six-shooter guns and lasso from the back of Woody's trusty cloth and wool horse, Bullseye. He wondered where the heck Woody kept all the ammo for those pistols.

"Which forbidden planet? There are approximately 849 of those in our part of the galaxy alone, 75 of which you discovered yourself," the robotic XR, who was currently repairing Buzz's damaged suit, pointed out.

"The one with the giants," Buzz said, slightly annoyed.

"That narrows it down to 30 planets."

"The giant people who are horrible to each other and to the smaller, weaker sentient lifeforms living among them whose existence they only barely acknowledge."

"15 planets."

"Lifeforms that the giants themselves mass-produce, play with, and dispose of carelessly."

"10 planets, not including most of the civilized galaxy. Speaking of which, when am I going to get recognition of citizenship rather than just having 'Property of Star Command R & D' stamped on all my relevant ID forms?" XR asked pointedly.

"Oh, forget it," Buzz said in exasperation, giving up.

"Doc, don't you think we should be getting out of here now?" Sheego, a pale-skinned (almost green) woman with long dark hair and a black and green jumpsuit asked as she blasted at the Unseelie around her with green energy bursts.

Sheego's boss Doctor Dracken, a mad scientist with oddly blue skin and strangely small and delicate hands, only laughed and continued punching buttons on a device. "Nonsense, Sheego! Not until I've tested my latest weapon! Behold!" There was a flash of green light, and suddenly they were joined by several dozen women looking exactly like Sheego, only wearing orange jumpsuits. "My new army of Sheego clones! Attack, my minions!"

The women proceeded to do just that. All except for the original, that is. Her eye was twitching. Dracken started sweating nervously. "Doc…" she said ominously.

Dracken laughed anxiously. "Now, now, Sheego, there's no harm done, no reason to be mad…"

"How many times have I told you you may NOT, under ANY condition, clone me?!" Sheego screamed, hands burning ominously.

"N-now Sheego, y-you wouldn't really hurt me, would you?" Dracken protested as she loomed over him. "I am your master and…AAAAHHHH!!! NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!"

When they had learned Oberon's barrier was down, both Hook and Jack had signaled their respective crews to beam down and fight so that the two captains could follow the time-honored tradition of running away. Unfortunately, Hook's built-in teleportation gizmo seemed to have broken, and Yuffie had stolen the batteries for Jack's while he wasn't looking. "Bloody ninja," he growled. The teleporters on their ships, however, worked perfectly fine, beaming over Hook's robo-pirate crew (along with the rather disturbing Robo-Mr. Smee) to fight alongside them. Jack's crew, however…

"Where the hell are they?" asked an annoyed Captain Sparrow when not only did he get no reply on his communicator other than loud snoring and murmurs, but no pirates teleported over either. "And why are they sleeping on duty?!"

"Well, this is what you get for stealing all the drink in a nightclub and sharing it with your crew," Hook pointed out. "A bunch of hungover pirates unfit for anything other than sleeping it off."

Jack grimaced. "Point. Something you never have to bother with, I take it?"

"Nope," Hook said, admiring how well his robot pirates were doing in battle. "The only thing these lads drink is WD-40. Although…" He frowned. "This is only half my fighting men. My crew is divided into robots and Heartless, but I see no Heartless here, not of my crew or anyone else's. Where could they be?" A very good question indeed…

Much like Scrooge McDuck, now that Oberon's shield was down, Shere Khan could either teleport away to safety or summon more bodyguards to protect him. And just like Scrooge McDuck, Khan did neither. He had things well in hand on his own.

Snarling like one of his more feral ancestors, the tiger businessman dashed through the ranks of giants assembled to crush him, slashing and kicking at them with his clawed limbs at precisely calculated points on their bodies while easily avoiding their pitifully slow excuses for attacks. This caused them to stand in stupefied silence for a moment after he passed them before falling to their knees and disintegrating. When another giant brought both its hands down in an overhead slam, Khan leaped over the thing's fists with feline grace and drove his entire hand into the thing's head, killing it at once. Leaping off the dead giant as it vaporized, Khan flew straight into a flock of winged Unseelie flying towards him who foolishly believed they had the advantage simply because they could fly and he could not. He showed them the error of their ways by tearing them to shreds in midair, grabbing the last one intact and pile driving it hard into the skull of a giant, killing them both. He landed, finding himself surrounded by a small army of normal-sized Unseelies. They came at him en masse, from all sides, and found themselves soundly defeated. Khan didn't have to move from his spot, he just kicked, and clawed, and hit, and bit at anything that dared attack him. He barely got a scratch from the creatures; they were so weak in comparison. It disgusted him, frankly.

When he had decimated the Unseelies and saw more charging towards him, he backflipped, landing near the back wall of the chapel, where he picked up one of the heavy iron candelabras that had been knocked over during all the fighting. He hefted it with ease, though it would have taken ten regular men to even lift it from the ground. He ran towards the Unseelies, wielding the great iron stick as a weapon, and cut them down with ease using its great length and power. He swiped, and he stabbed, and he slammed, and the Unseelies died in the dozens under the might of his candelabra. When he tired of carrying the thing about, he threw it away, impaling it through the stomach of a giant. The momentum of his toss was so great that it tore the Unseelie off its feet and carried it back towards others of its kind, causing them to get impaled one after the other on the candelabra's length as well, before finally it drove itself into the side of a pillar and stayed there, at least twenty Unseelies of various sizes writhing along its length, like some gruesome shish-kebab.

Shere Khan shook his head in disgust and turned away as the impaled Unseelies vaporized, ready to take on his next challengers. He was somewhat disappointed. He had expected more from these supernatural creatures, but not one of them had really forced him to use the full extent of his abilities. It had been a very long time since he had last fought with an opponent even remotely close to being his equal, and these disgusting Unseelie were certainly nowhere near his level. He took little satisfaction in killing them, their deaths incited the primal bloodlust that was his heritage, but did nothing to truly excite him. It was just so…rote and pointless, really. He felt like he barely had to try to wipe out these weaklings. It was a wonder, really, that they had existed this long at all, without a superior predator such as himself wiping them all out.

He noticed that, in his musings, he had gotten surrounded again, which lessened the tedium slightly though he was aware that all these monsters would die under his claws and fangs in under two minutes. As he proceeded to do just that, he took some solace in the knowledge that surely there was another warrior here in this room with skill close to his. Perhaps if he found that warrior, they could engage in battle, and challenge each other to their limits. That was something the predator in him truly looked forward to.

The newly christened Power Rangers didn't need backup either. They were perfectly fine on their own. "Come on!" Leon held down the trigger of his improved Gunblade for several seconds, causing it to buzz and the blade to vibrate. "Hyaaahh!" He released the trigger, swinging his sword at the same time, slashing repeatedly at the Unseelies closest to him and causing them to explode spectacularly as powerful flaming energy waves shot out from his slices and destroyed several dozen Unseelies further away as well. As a more daring creature slid across the floor towards him in an attempt to take out his legs, Leon leaped into the air, jackknifing his Gunblade down to skewer the foolish Unseelie, then continued going as the monster was torn off his sword, spinning through the air to give himself added height and momentum. He bounced off the head of another Unseelie and arced above the large group attacking him. While in the air, he aimed his Gunblade downward, holding down his sword's trigger for several seconds and making the blade flash and heat up before releasing it and causing several dozen fireballs to rain down on the Unseelies and explode, blowing them to pieces. "Worthless." Holding down the Gunblade's trigger again, he hurtled towards the ground, point first. He released the trigger just before he hit the floor, causing the energy the weapon had been charging up to release itself in a powerful flaming shockwave which incinerated everything around him for twenty feet, leaving ashes in its wake and a small dent in the Unseelie forces surrounding him. His suit smoking from the discharge, Leon stood up and coldly assessed his remaining opponents. "Too easy." He moved forward to take them out.

"Hmmph, speak for yourself, you lousy sonuvabitch," Cid, the Blue Ranger grumbled as he slashed, bashed, and stabbed at the Unseelie around him with his spear. "I'm getting too old for this shit." He leaped into the air and crashed down on a giant's head spear-first, driving his weapon through the thing's skull and killing it. He bounded off its head as it disintegrated, charged his spear with energy, and drove it into the ground as he landed, creating a huge blue explosion which wiped out the few dozen regular Unseelie swarming around him. Seeing a pack of giants lumbering towards him, claws swinging, Cid charged his spear up and jumped again, landing on the first giant, striking, and leaping off to hit the next, each blow creating a huge explosion that helped propel him towards his next target and hit it even harder. The explosions didn't kill the monsters, but the flurry of blazing-fast fighting skills he hit them with after his chain attack certainly did. When he was done, he was forced to take a quick breather. "Geez," he panted. "I really _am_ getting too old for this. God, what I wouldn't give for a pack of cigs…or a stick of dynamite."

Tifa had no weapon to fight the Unseelie with. She had no need of one. Her fighting skills and superhuman strength, already formidable but amplified even further by her transformation, were all she needed against the rather large bunch of giant Unseelies coming up against her. She took out the first one with a rushing forward attack followed by a four-hit right-left combo, two hits from each fist. The next fell easily to a leg-sweep followed by five back kicks and finishing with five double-spin kicks. The third went down when she smashed its face in with a two-level spinning kick. "Come on! Is that all you guys got?" One of the giants, incensed by this, tried to punch her. Actually wanting to see how strong these things were, Tifa took the blow right in the chest. To the Unseelie's shock, its punch didn't even budge her. Even more shocking, hitting Tifa seemed to have broken its hand. "What, that's IT?!" Tifa asked incredulously. "Pfft. Wimp. Let me show you a REAL punch!" She did. The punch was so powerful that it pretty much turned the Unseelie inside out. It was not a pleasant sight. Quite naturally, this terrified the other Unseelie, and they thought it prudent to run. Tifa had no plans on letting them escape. She tore one apart with her bare hands with another right-left combo. She decapitated another by delivering a somersault kick to its chin, and bisected another with a second kick that hit with the force of a tidal wave. She then grabbed another poor giant and delivered a brutal backdrop which snapped it in two. The next giant was launched into the ceiling with an uppercut that felt a lot like what it would probably feel like to get rammed by a dolphin, smashing to pieces on impact and ruining the chapel ceiling's stability even further. Chunks of masonry and scrap fell, killing more Unseelie. Tifa used the debris as makeshift cudgels to beat the crap out of her opponents, but was quickly dissatisfied since they broke so quickly (not just the debris, but her opponents!), so went back to using her good old reliable fists and feet. She slew three giants at once by hitting two with a third she hurled at them from above with the force of a meteor, and then worked off some more aggression by charging energy into her fist and hitting one poor, unlucky Unseelie so hard that it combusted in a miniature nuclear explosion, wiping out another fifty Unseelie in the process. "WHO ELSE WANTS SOME!?" she roared from the large smoking crater she had formed from her patented 'Final Heaven' attack.

"I certainly would," murmured an impressed and aroused Shere Khan, who had been watching Tifa fight for a while after getting bored with slaughtering Unseelie. "Rowr! What a woman!"

The Unseelie were finding Yuffie to be a bit more than they could handle as well. This was not surprising; Yuffie was too much for her own friends to handle. "Bunshin no Jutsu!" Yuffie split into five copies of herself, which happily and speedily began to kill the Unseelie around them using katana, kunai, and giant shuriken. "Fire no Jutsu!" The five clones stood back-to-back, facing outward, and released fire blasts in five directions before recombining into a single Yuffie, who watched gleefully as her enemies agonizingly burned to death. Her senses alerted her as a foolish Unseelie lunged at her from behind. She didn't even bother turning, just stood there as it reached out its arms to strike…

"Kawarimi!" And found itself imbedding its claws in the back of a large straw doll. It blinked stupidly, wondering how the heck that had happened. That was the last thing it, and a number of other Unseelie, thought before Yuffie's expertly thrown kunai rained down on them from above, slaying them easily. "Mwehehehehe! This is too easy!" she cackled as she elegantly landed. She noticed a larger mob assembling to fight her, or try to anyway. "Oh, the poor things, they actually think they can win. Ha! They must not have heard of the Great Ninja Yuffie! Shocking, yes, but I suppose it's possible!"

"Who the heck are you talking to?" Cid asked as he landed behind her, carried by the rebound from his latest killing jump.

"…Never mind. Die, you big ugly glowing thingies!" Yuffie tossed her giant shuriken in the air. Amazingly, it got even bigger before it came down, flipping over and floating in place before her. Yuffie hopped onto the center of it, balancing herself as only a ninja can as the giant shuriken's blades began spinning around her while the middle remained stationary. The levitating object moved forward towards the monsters as if it were some kind of hoverboard. With spinning blades. Unsurprisingly, the Unseelie were no match for this attack. The shuiken's blades mowed them down like…grass getting cut by a lawnmower, I guess. Yuffie lashed out constantly with katana and kunai to raise the death count and kill Unseelie out of range of her shuriken's blades. "Mwahahahahaha! This is way too much fun! The only thing that sucks about this is they don't leave any goodies like the Heartless do!"

Cid and Tifa paused in their fighting to stare at Yuffie, rather disturbed by how much the kunoichi was enjoying her bloodbath. Leon, walking over with his Gunblade on his shoulder, was equally perturbed. "Huh," he commented.

Tifa sighed. "Somehow, I _knew_ giving her superpowers was a very bad idea." She glared at Cid, who had built the transforming gizmos they were all using in the first place.

"Hey, it wasn't my idea," Cid protested. "I only built the damn thing for her because she kept moping and threatening to break my stuff! And Aerith told me to."

"And you listened?" Leon asked incredulously.

"It's Aerith!" Cid yelled. "Who the hell can say 'no' to Aerith?! Other than messed-up unemotional fuckers like you and Cloud, anyway." Leon glared at Cid from under his visor. "Speaking of which…seeing as how she's now, you know, all demonic and everything, I think we kinda sorta need to find a new nonviolent female role model for Yuffie. The girl's already bloodthirsty and scary enough; now that Aerith's become a damned concubine of the devil it might drive Yuffie to worship Satan."

"Isn't that a little far-fetched?" Tifa asked doubtfully. "I mean, this is Aerith we're talking about! Sure she's a little different after being brought back from the dead, but that's to be expected…but she hasn't changed _that_ much, has she?"

Cid and Leon wordlessly stared at her, and then pointed over to the Black Vampire Ranger. Aerith's cape had transformed into a pair of black bat wings which she used to glide over the battlefield, lopping off the heads of the Unseelie with ease using her scythe. Her oozing dark aura produced bats which screeched and swirled around her, swarming the winged Unseelie that tried to attack her and biting and tearing them to shreds. "Bwahahahaha! Is this all that fool Oberon can muster against one of Hell's own?!" One of the giant Unseelies valiantly managed to tackle her from behind, braving the bites from her bat escorts and the stinging numbness of her dark aura to grasp her in its arms and keep her from causing any more damage. She hissed and struggled as the giant got back up, holding her tight in its grasp, although her attempts at escape seemed oddly feigned. Another giant Unseelie came up, reared back, and drove a fist at her face. At the last instant, Aerith vanished, her entire form breaking up into hundreds of bats which flew away in a great clamor of flaps and shrieks, causing the giant to instead drive its claws right through its comrade's chest, gruesomely killing it. As it recoiled in alarm, the enormous group of bats swooped down on it, grabbing on to every bit of its glowing skin they could get their claws on. The Unseelie struggled and tried to shake them off, but to no avail, the winged rodents dug in with their claws and spread out their wings, covering every bit of the giant's flesh in leathery blackness. A moment passed, and the giant's struggles under the veil of the bat wings ceased, although its vaguely humanoid figure could still be seen in the shape held by the bats. The rodents shrieked and suddenly flew up and away, revealing that there was no trace of the Unseelie left, not even the smallest speck. The other Unseelie shuddered in fear.

The bats reconvened in midair, coalescing in a great flash of darkness to reform the Black Ranger once again. "Feeble-minded creatures. I was brought back from death by the Devil himself! Do you really think you can best me?!" She spread her wings, and purple bolts of lightning rained down on the Unseelie below, killing them in the dozens while Aerith laughed evilly. More bats streamed out from her aura, encompassing and consuming winged Unseelies that tried to weave their way through the lightning bolts towards Aerith much as they had the giant from before. When she felt her pets had feasted enough, she raised her scythe, and her bats streaked to her from all over the room, gathering and swirling rapidly around her blade until they melded together to form a huge pulsating orb of pure darkness. "Let me show you…the true power of Evil!" Cackling malevolently, Aerith brought her scythe down in a whistling chop, flinging the dark orb into the center of the Unseelie mass writhing in agony underneath her. The moment it hit the ground, it exploded with the sound of a thousand screaming souls and expanded outward in a dome of tremendous shadow, engulfing Aerith as well as all the Unseelies nearby (and more than a few poor soldiers or guests of little consequence unlucky enough to get caught up in it) in absolute darkness. The black dome sat there for a few moments, devouring light and dropping the temperature in the chapel by several degrees until finally, reluctantly, fading away, revealing a huge crater gouged into the floor with a pentagram formed from purple flames burning across its surface. Aerith stood in the center of that pentagram, laughing uproariously as if there were nothing better in the world than this, while shrieking bats circled over her head. "My gift to you, Master! Make these unworthy souls most welcome in Hell! Ahahahahaha!"

The other Rangers from Radiant Garden (other than Stitch, who had taken a fancy to the wrecked Astroquack, pulled it completely through the wall, and was now using it as a giant club just for kicks, much to Darkwing's chagrin) stared in speechless astonishment at what Aerith had just done. "Ah," Tifa said, seeing Cid's original point at last. Leon shook his head in disbelief.

"Wow! That was AWESOME!" Yuffie cried.

Cid moaned. "Dammit. You see? It's happening already, the new Aerith's having a bad influence on Yuffie! Next thing you know, Yuffie will start thinking becoming a demon is 'cool' so she'll sell her soul to the Devil to get all sorts of 'awesome' unholy powers!"

"Hey, great idea!" Yuffie, who had unfortunately been in earshot, said. "Thanks, Cid! I'll make sure to ask Satan about that next time I see him!"

"D'oh!" Actually, Cid said a much more foul curse than that, but the author's sense of decency thought it more polite (and funnier) to put Homer Simpson's classic line expletive in its place.

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Stitch cackled madly as he ran by, chasing a bunch of Unseelie while wielding one of the chapel's support pillars like a club. (He had already used the weaponized Astroquack to its limit, so needed something else big to use as a bludgeon. It was amazing the roof hadn't caved in by this point.)

Tifa shook her head. "I'm starting to think Cid's right, we have too many crazy bloodthirsty people on this team. Somebody should do something about that…" Leon stared at her. "What?"

"'Who else wants some?'" he asked dryly.

Tifa laughed nervously. "Well, okay, maybe I got a little carried away…"

"You are one of the most savage, graceful, bloodthirsty, and powerful fighters I have ever seen," Shere Khan said to Tifa, coming up abruptly. "May I court you?"

Tifa laughed nervously, while Leon shook his head and walked away, not wanting to touch this. Cid was trying to convince Yuffie why selling her soul to the Devil was a bad thing. Stitch was smashing Unseelies with the support column he had stolen. Aerith had gone off to kill some more Unseelie evilly. Seeing that she was not going to get any help from her friends, Tifa carefully said, "Um, I kind of sort of already have a boyfriend…"

"Oh," Shere Khan said, looking rather disappointed. "Who is he? Perhaps I could challenge him to a match. If he is to be your mate, I want to be sure he's as skilled a fighter as you are, my dear. You deserve only the best."

"Ah…" Tifa got the feeling this conversation was going out of control. "He's…sort of hard to find. He's kind of constantly chasing a guy called Sephiroth."

"Sephiroth?" Khan raised an eyebrow. "Long hair, black coat, one wing, giant clearly-compensating-for-something sword?"

"Ah…yeah. That Sephiroth."

There was a pause. "Are you certain this friend of yours isn't homosexual?" Khan asked after a moment.

"What?! NO!" Tifa yelled. "He's not gay! No way!"

"I apologize," Khan said quickly. "It's just, well…how you phrased it. A man constantly pursuing another man with a giant sword and unnaturally good looks. That sounds a bit like, well, stalking…and take it from a predator and businessman, I know a thing or two about that. Er, the _hunting_ kind of stalking, not the more sexual varity, though I am aware that the two are often intertwined."

"No! It's not like that!" Tifa protested. "Cloud wants to KILL Sephiroth for something he did a long time ago, preferably by running him through with his sword!" There was an awkward pause. "A big metal one, NOT the other kind!" she yelled quickly. "And he's certainly not compensating for anything either. I think."

"Ah," said Khan. "And…you are certain it is _you_ he loves, sexuality aside?"

"Yes!" Tifa cried, knee-jerk.

"I apologize. I simply thought…well, if _I_ were your mate, I certainly would not be spending such a long time apart from you, quests of bloody vengeance aside. I would take you with me," Khan said apologetically.

Tifa bit her lip. Reluctant as she was to admit it, the tiger's logic _did_ make all too uncomfortable a sense. She was pretty sure Cloud loved her, but still…did he have to avoid her so much? She didn't think they'd ever even gone on a single date, even when she managed to catch up with him, because he was so hell-bent on killing Sephiroth. "You wouldn't want to keep me away, for my own protection or something?" she murmured.

Khan snorted. "Of course not. The fact that you were my mate would be proof enough for me that you needn't be shuttled off out of the way. I will not tolerate any woman who is incapable of keeping up with me to be an intimate part of my life…which is part of what drew me to you in the first place, Miss….?"

"Lockheart," Tifa said quietly. "Tifa Lockheart."

"Miss Lockheart, I apologize for any insinuations or errors of judgment on my part concerning your relationship with your significant other. I wish you the best with him, whoever and wherever he may be. However, if you ever wish to spar with someone who is your equal at hand-to-hand combat…or simply to see someone who is not so difficult to locate on a regular basis…I encourage you to come see me whenever you wish. My card." The tiger handed her a business card. "In case you ever want to talk. Or fight."

"Um…thank you," Tifa said, not quite sure how to respond.

"You are very welcome. I hope we will meet again, Miss Lockeart." Khan walked away.

Tifa stared for a long while at the card, a sense of doubt and uncertainty growing within her. She had always accepted, without really thinking about it, that Cloud cared about her. She had always thought there was that chemistry, that connection between them. And yet…

She should have torn that card up right then and there and been done with it. Instead, she pocketed it and went off to find something else to punch to death. Who knows? Maybe she would look up Khan some time. Heavens knew she could sometimes get pretty lonely, searching the worlds for Cloud with no sign of him for months on end, or the growing feeling that he was avoiding her altogether. She could use someone who wasn't running away, or too wrapped up in their own problems like most of her other friends.

Shere Khan. She'd just have to think about that for a while, wouldn't she?

While the Rangers didn't need help, some of the other warriors did. Goofy had called down more troops from orbit when it became clear that Oberon's shield was down. They had beamed up the tired and wounded back to Disney Fleet ships and reinforced their numbers with fresh troops. Pistol and Peg had both been sent up with the last batch of wounded, for their safety (and to keep Pistol from breaking something). When Max suggested they try beaming everyone out of the room and then blasting the chapel from orbit to wipe out the Unseelie, not quite seeing why they were all still here fighting when they could be out looking for the King and Queen, Goofy replied that the transporter operators wouldn't be able to distinguish anyone who wasn't wearing a Disney Kingdom transponder in this giant crowded room from friend or foe, it was too big a risk. They couldn't chance any of the Unseelie accidentally getting transported onto one of their ships; it could be disastrous in such an enclosed space. "Plus," Goofy added. "It would be all un-diplomatic-al. Not everyone here has ships, but some of them do, and you don't see _them_ running away, do you?"

"Hey, yeah…why is that?" PJ asked.

"Politics, boys. None of those who can leave wants to lose face in front of the other delegations, so they intend to stick it out until someone else cuts and runs. Nobody wants to be the first to leave, because it'll look like a sign of cowardice," Goofy explained. "So they'll wait for someone else to make the first move. And since _nobody_ has yet teleported out of here (other than sending away their wounded), and nobody wants to be first to go, that means nobody's going to leave anytime soon."

"Then why don't we just leave, and take those who can't go on their own with us, and take the first step?" Max asked. "So that everyone else can get out of here?"

"Gawrsh, because then the Disney Kingdom would lose face in front of everyone else," Goofy explained. "By running from the fight after losing our monarchs, we'll look weak to all the other worlds, no matter what our real reason is, in spite of the fact that a bunch of them lost their monarchs too. The inter-world alliance King Mickey formed is still in its fragile starting stages, and being the first to leave might make some of the other rulers think our kingdom's weak, and might not be the best government to ally with after all. Not to mention the delegates we _did_ take with us might resent the fact that they needed to be rescued and think we did it to flaunt our technological superiority."

"Ah," said Max. "That's…pretty complicated. And kind of self-centered."

Pete nodded. "Yep, that's interstellar politics for you. Despite all the trappings, it really ain't much more than a lot of posturing and pissing contests."

"Dad!" PJ cried.

"What? It is!" Pete protested. "Not much different from working around a bunch of supervillains, really, except there you've gotta do the best to out-intimidate everyone else to keep them from getting ideas and thinking they might be doing a better job if they were in charge rather than the person already there. Why the heck do you think this castle is so big, flying, and has all these special effects?! Not just to satisfy Maleficent's ginormous ego, let me tell you that!" Pete knocked an Unseelie's head off with a single punch. "And I think it's time I reminded everyone that I've still got a special little ace in the hole…now that Oberon's shield's down, I can summon the Heartless to help us out!"

Everyone else looked at him in alarm. "W-wait, you're gonna summon the _Heartless?!"_ PJ asked in alarm. "As in, the dark creatures we're sort of sworn to fight no matter what?"

"Aw, come on, if you can make a truce with me, you can make a truce with them," Pete reasoned.

"But they're_ Heartless!"_ Max pointed out.

"Yeah, they don't make truces!" Goofy agreed.

"They made a truce with the Nobodies," Pete pointed out.

There was a pause. "Uh…yeah…well…we have hearts, Nobodies don't!" PJ pointed out.

"Look, relax!" said an annoyed Pete. "They won't attack you if I tell them not to!"

"Are you sure about that?" asked a dubious Goofy.

"Sure I'm sure!" Pete boasted.

"I have a very bad feeling about this…" moaned PJ.

"Relax, that's probably just gas," Pete said dismissively. "Now…come on, Heartless!" The others watched in anxiety and dread as absolutely nothing happened at all. Pete blinked and tried again. "Ahem. I said, come on, Heartless!" Nothing happened. "Heartless? Come on guys, help me out here!" Still nothing happened. "Please come?" Nothing. "Pretty please?" Still nothing. "Pretty please with a heart on top?" Once again, nothing. "Where the heck are they?!"

"Welp, that's what you get for consorting with the forces of darkness," Goofy said wisely. "They never show up when you need 'em."

"But that's not how it's supposed to work!" Pete yelled angrily. "Maleficent gave me the power to summon and command the Heartless! So why the heck aren't they coming when I tell them to?"

Max and Goofy shrugged, but PJ had an idea, recalling what he had learned in training. "Wait…Heartless serve the strongest, right?"

Pete nodded. "Yeah. And that's Maleficent! And me, 'cause I work for her."

"And…Oberon kidnapped Maleficent so he could absorb her powers using the Crystal of Ix, right?" PJ continued.

"Yeaaahhhh…" Pete didn't see where this was going.

"So…wouldn't that make Oberon stronger than Maleficent?" PJ finished.

Pete raised his finger and opened his mouth. Paused. Shut his mouth and lowered his finger. "Aw, hellcrap."

"Well, look at the bright side Mr. P," Max said, running an Unseelie through. "At least-"

"Don't say it!" Pete roared. "You'll jinx us all! Just let it go unsaid!"

"Let what go unsaid?" asked a confused Goofy.

"That we're lucky Oberon doesn't send—oh hell no, you're not getting me that easily!" Pete cried. He shook his fist at the ceiling. "I'm not gonna let you beat me this time, irony!"

The other three looked at each other in confusion. "Who's he talking to?" Max whispered to PJ.

"I have no idea," PJ whispered back.

Goofy shook his head sadly. "He musta gone into battle shock. I've seen it happen to stronger soldiers. Never a pretty thing."

"Could you try summoning Nobodies instead, Dad?" PJ asked his father.

"Hmm, I'll give it a shot. Hey, Nobodies! Wanna give us a hand!" There was no answer. Pete sighed and shook his head. "Figures. Nobodies tend to listen only to other Nobodies. They only did what Maleficent or I told 'em to because Zexion was working for us. Since Zexion got taken away too, they won't come when I call them either." A haggard look came over his face. "Which means we're all on our own. And no matter how many reinforcements we can summon from any of your allies or mine, sooner or later we're gonna run out of troops, while these guys will just keep coming and coming until we're all dead or have run away. Or that timer thingy Oberon set up will run out, and we'll die from that instead. Without the virtually limitless numbers the Heartless or Nobody armies gave the evil alliance Maleficent was building up, I don't think we can really win this battle. And if we can't beat these guys, how're we possibly supposed to beat the guy who sent 'em?!"

Fortunately, Pete was wrong, as usual. It just so happened something was about to happen which would decisively turn the tide in the favor of the defending guests. And, amazingly, it would not be a miraculous rescue at the hands of Sora, like they or you were probably expecting. No, this turn of good fortune would come from the hands of someone else altogether….

"Damn it all!" King Arthur growled, panting and taking a breather from his latest failed attempt to break through the big wall Oberon had built to seal up the chapel entrance. "How am I to help my friends if I cannot even pass through this gate?!"

"Perhaps I may be of some help, my liege?"

Arthur stiffened as he heard the aged voice, so familiar and dear to him. "Merlin?" He whirled around, taking in the figure of a humble-looking old man with a very long white beard, dressed in robes and a conical hat of deep blue, with small eyeglasses perched on his aquiline nose. A seemingly plain black handbag was held by the strap in his right hand. "Merlin…is that really you?!" The king was not ashamed to find that he was crying at the sight of his beloved mentor, who had been gone for what seemed like far too long.

Merlin smiled a little sadly, put down his handbag, and opened his arms to embrace Arthur, who hugged him perhaps a little too hard while crying; as if afraid the wizard was but an illusion and might vanish again. "Ah…young Arthur…it is good to see you as well. It has been far too long. I am sorry I could not be there for you upon your awakening in this strange new world you've found yourself in."

"Where were you?" Arthur asked after a moment, letting go of his old friend and wiping the tears from his face with a mailed sleeve. "After I woke up, I…I searched for you. I looked everywhere for you, I looked so hard, but could find nothing more than hints, riddles, messages and clues left long ago by you on how I could rebuild Camelot…but nothing recent, nothing to tell me that you were even still alive. I feared the worst, Merlin, feared that you might have died of old age, or that one of your many enemies was finally able to get the better of you…where were you, old friend? Why could I not find you when I needed you most?"

Merlin sighed, shaking his head sadly. "I wanted to be there for you, my liege. Truly I did! To help acclimatize you to the ways of this strange new world you have become a part of, to help you realize your destiny and fulfill my own. But…our fates took separate paths after we parted last, after I spirited you to Avalon to recover from the last battle. My old foe Nimue managed to trick me and seal me within a cave deep beneath a lake for a great many centuries. I was only released-"

"After my awakening?" Arthur guessed.

Merlin shook his head. "No, my liege. I was released when another young man destined to be king found the way to free me from my prison, a young man bearing a magical blade in the form of a key…a young man who would become King Mickey of Disney."

Arthur's eyes widened in surprise. "King Mickey…has known of you? He never mentioned that to me."

Merlin's worn, lined face took on a pained expression. "I…asked him not to."

Arthur was startled, and more than a little hurt by this. "What?! Why?"

Merlin sighed. "For the same reason I did not instantly fly to your side when I learned of your return…it was not the right time. For either of us."

Arthur blinked. "I…do not understand. How do you mean?"

"Mickey reminded me of another young man uncertain of his fate, afraid of the responsibilities that had so suddenly been thrust upon him. He…reminded me a lot of how you were when you first fell through my ceiling, Arthur. Well, except that he was already a bit more learned and sure of himself than you were at that age, for he had already found a wizard of his own to tutor him: the great sorcerer Yen Sid, a practitioner of magic far greater even than myself."

"Preposterous!" Arthur said loyally. "There is no wizard greater than you, Merlin!"

Merlin laughed at that. "Far from the truth, Arthur, but thank you anyway. Regardless, I…could not help but feel a sort of synchronicity at work here. While Mickey benefited much from Yen Sid's teachings, Yen Sid himself was unable to leave his tower to help Mickey fulfill his destiny. So, I…well…decided that, since I seemed to have an affinity for young rulers-to-be, I…"

"Chose to help him out?" Arthur asked, somewhat ruefully and understandably a little envious. He had thought _he_ was supposed to be the only king Merlin was helping…

Clearly seeing that this was where Arthur's thoughts were leading, Merlin hurried to reassure him otherwise. "It was not like you and I, Arthur, not at all. Young Mickey had already received a great deal of training and assistance from Yen Sid, the relationship between Mickey and myself was never as…well, close as our own. I simply became an advisor of sorts, and was court magician for a while until I sensed that your time of awakening was near and trained Donald Duck to take my place. So, I was all but ready to join you when you awakened…but…well…then King Mickey went missing. And he left me a note asking I help out Sora, the destined Keybearer, learn the ways of magic. And, well…once more seeing the affinity I have with young men touched by destiny…"

"You helped him," Arthur finished.

"Yes. Quite. So, I helped train Sora with the help of the Fairy Godmother, and then he went off to save the universe. I was about to leave to go help you, for by this point you had already awoken and were in the process of gathering allies to build a new Camelot, but…well…then the lovely Miss Aerith approached me and asked if I could help her friends restore their home of Radiant Garden to its former glory. And…well, when I saw how terribly dysfunctional and mismatched her friends were, and how desperately they needed my help, I…well, I couldn't refuse." He was very apologetic. "I am very sorry, Arthur, but…trust me when I say that if I hadn't been there, they would either have been devoured by Heartless or murdered themselves." Arthur raised an eyebrow. "You doubt me?"

"Well…"

"Have you heard of a young man named Leon?"

"Very rude, carries a strange mix of gun and sword, is self-centered, aloof, and obsessed with beating Sora?" Arthur said. "And also seems to be in denial as to what his name is?"

Merlin nodded. "That's the one, and he's got more than that wrong with him. He was one of the members of the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee and one of Aerith's friends. The others were a kleptomaniac ninja thief named Yuffie who seemed to take no shame in robbing her own friends blind and loved to provoke Leon and whoever she could (despite this leading to inadvertent blind rages as those she pranked tried to murder her), a magic-fearing…ah…older man of science named Cid who was having a great deal of difficulty breaking his habits of drinking, chain-smoking and yelling incredibly foul vulgarities, a sweet young woman (Aerith, of course) who nearly worked herself to death on a regular basis by trying too hard to compensate for everyone else's problems, and a 'lone wolf' named Cloud who was almost never there with far too many problems for me to get into, including an almost Freudian obsession with driving his embarrassingly large sword through the heart (if he has one) of his rival Sephiroth and avoiding the poor woman clearly in love with him (who hunts him with a stalker-like obsession not that different from Cloud's own obsession with finding and killing Sephiroth), Tifa. Trust me when I say that if I had not been there to help them, they may have torn each other apart."

Arthur blinked. "…My god, they sound worse than the entire Knights of the Round Table put together. No wonder you were never able to come lend me a hand, babysitting that group must have been a full-time job!"

Merlin nodded in agreement. "Yes, it was always one thing after another. I'd have my bags packed and be ready to teleport over to help you out, when suddenly there's some horrible explosion and cries of, 'Merlin, Cid's tearing the kitchen apart in an attempt to find something to smoke!' 'Merlin, Aerith passed out from cleaning the entire house even though it was my day to do chores but I decided to be lazy and stay in bed again!' 'Merlin, Yuffie stole my Gunblade/spear/herbs/munny/technological doodad/sword/underwear/whatever!' 'Merlin, help me find Sephiroth!' 'Merlin, help me find Cloud!' 'Merlin, help me think of the perfect way to beat Sora, or better yet, can you make me a Keyblade?' 'Merlin, help me find the remote control, even though it's probably just under the sofa again!' 'Merlin, the Heartless are attacking!' 'Merlin, the Nobodies are attacking!' 'Merlin, Organization XIII's shopping in our neighborhood and creeping people out again!' 'Merlin, use your magic on some totally frivolous and pointless thing we could easily solve by ourselves but are too lazy too!' 'Merlin, fix this book!' 'Merlin, help us figure out how to make ridiculous transforming contraptions so we can become colorful superheroes!' 'Merlin, help me write a program that will help us delete the evil artificial intelligence trying to blow up the town!' 'Merlin, do my homework for me!' 'Merlin, make Stitch stop eating my stuff!' 'Merlin, take Stitch for a walk because I'm afraid he'll eat _me!' _'Merlin, Merlin, Merlin!' Good lord, not even _you_ were that irritating a child to take care of, and you were pretty troublesome as it was!"

"Hey!" Arthur protested. "I wasn't that bad!"

"Remember the time you flew off when we were birds, even though I told you not to, and you got yourself captured by Madame Mim and I had to turn myself into a virus to save you?" Merlin said flatly.

"Ah…"

"Or the time we were fish swimming in the castle moat and you nearly got eaten by…let's see, was it a pike? Or a barracuda? Some kind of predatory fish."

"Er…"

"Or the time…"

"That's enough, you've made your point!" Arthur yelled, flushing in embarrassment.

Merlin smiled at him. "I told Mickey not to tell you about me because I was somewhat embarrassed I had such a…well, rather sad excuse for consistently not being there for you. In any event, I would have just walked out of there if my conscience wouldn't have nagged me about it, and if their need were truly not so great," Merlin said.

"But my need was great too," Arthur protested. "We had a war! And setting up a new world government after all that was hard work."

"And you handled it very admirably," Merlin pointed out. "On your own."

"Yes…well…" Arthur admitted.

Merlin smiled and put his hand on Arthur's elbow. "My boy, I would have liked nothing more than to have rushed to your side at once to help you realize your destiny. However, in its own way, perhaps this was for the best."

Arthur blinked. "How so?"

"Well, Arthur, look at it this way: you learned the ways of a strange new world, won a war and united the people of that world, and built a new Camelot…_all_ _by yourself, without any help from me whatsoever._ Not to say that my help would have been a bad thing, but by doing it by yourself you matured further as an individual and became an even greater man and a greater king," Merlin said. "And perhaps that is what fate had intended in the first place, hence why I was never able to join you…though I wanted to so very, _very_ badly, especially since even a war against the Heartless would have been better than taking care of that gang of madmen and –women in the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee. They're fine people deep down, I won't say otherwise, but I am so very tired of trying to keep them from destroying each other."

Arthur nodded. "I think I understand. But…does this mean…"

"I can't come back with you now? Oh no, I have every intention of staying with you from this point forward, Arthur. As long as I can, anyway. I'm _through_ with that group now that you're here; I have a legitimate excuse to leave them without feeling guilty, especially since they'll be confident they can handle most crises on their own after trying out their new toys for the first time. At least, I hope they will. Ah, but first…we must deal with the present situation."

Arthur blinked, then immediately recalled everything important that had led to him getting stuck outside. "Oh! Right! Merlin, Oberon's gone totally insane and has-"

"Yes, I know, thrown Sora out the window and abducted everyone with magic in the room with the intention of absorbing their powers as part of a mad crusade to annihilate all mortals in the universe, then cast a Doom spell over everyone in the room and left his minions to finish them off," said Merlin.

Arthur blinked. "He did? Er, I knew the first part, but not the rest of it…we have to stop him!"

"We do indeed. That is why I am here. Well…partly, anyway," Merlin said.

Arthur blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I'll explain later. First, we must bypass this barrier!" A wand slipped out of Merlin's sleeve and into his hand. He pointed it at the door, gathering his formidable magical might. "Ahem. STUPEFY!" A bolt of red light shot from the tip of his wand and struck the solid metal wall sealing the entryway to the chapel, causing it to shatter into a million pieces and clear the door for them.

"Wow!" said an impressed Arthur.

"Yes, a rather nice spell isn't it? Come, Arthur!" Merlin picked up his bag and quickly walked into the room. Drawing Excalibur, Arthur followed him.

They were both stunned by the amount of carnage and havoc they saw when they entered the chapel. A half-dozen Unseelie noticed them right off and pounced, but a few slashes from Arthur's sword and spell from Merlin instantly dispatched them. "Incredible…how are we to defeat such an awesome army on our own, Merlin? The defenders seem to be doing well, but they are heavily outnumbered, despite their power!"

"Yes, and the enemy seems to replenish itself at will," Merlin noted as a complete dozen Unseelie warped into the room, taking the places of the ones the duo had just defeated, and attacked Arthur and Merlin. They were quickly slain as well.

"Merlin, can your magic defeat all these fiends?" Arthur asked anxiously.

"Defeat? No, there are too many, even for my spells," Merlin said with a frown. "However…" He studied the situation for a moment. "Aha! I believe I have it."

"Yes?" Arthur asked.

"The Unseelie seem to be relying on their brethren here as an anchor to guide them to this place from their home dimension. Therefore, if we could eliminate all the Unseelie in the room, we could stop any more from coming in!" Merlin announced.

Arthur blinked. "But…Merlin, there are too many, and they replenish themselves too quickly! To do that, we'd need to take out all of the fiends present almost at once, but that's impossible…isn't it?"

Merlin chortled. "My boy, haven't you learned by now nothing is impossible? No, _we_ cannot defeat the Unseelies at once…but _they_ can," he said, referring to the warriors bravely battling all over the room. "Once my magic holds these beasts in place long enough for them to be exterminated permanently!" He rolled up his sleeves and spread his hands out, wand crackling with energy. Gesturing rapidly with his hands, he cast the spell, "Ferrus Imprisonus!" Flashes of light spread across the room, and to the surprise and pain of every Unseelie in the chapel, they were now bound by powerful chains of iron, pinning their arms to their sides, weighing their feet to the ground, and making it impossible for them to move. Winged Unseelie plummeted from the sky, no longer able to fly due to the weight of the chains. They shrieked in frustration and agony and struggled to break free from the bonds which burned their glowing skin so.

"Huh?" said a confused Pete. "The heck's going on?" His voice was not the only voice asking that question.

Merlin pointed his wand at his throat and cast a spell to amplify his voice. "EVERYONE!" he shouted. "NOW IS YOUR CHANCE! TAKE THEM OUT NOW WHILE THEY ARE STILL INCAPACITATED!"

The warriors didn't need to be told twice. Realizing how vulnerable their foes were, they leapt into action, quickly taking out as many as they could as fast as was possible. Arthur leaped into the thick of it to help out. Merlin cast powerful wide-area spells such as Flare or Ultima to wipe out large groups of Unseelie at a time and speed up the process. The Mayor somehow managed to get Oogie's slot machine robot to launch all sorts of deadly weapons like razor-edged playing cards and explosive dice to destroy more Unseelie. The Royal Knights spread out around the room, using their powerful attacks to kill the Unseelie as quickly as possible as well.

"Ray of Victory!"

"Supreme Cannon!"

"End Waltz!"

"Spiral Masquerade!"

"Extinction!"

"Breath of Wyvern!"

"Odin's Breath!"

"Shield of the Just!"

"Ultimate War Blade King Dragon Sword!" _Hmm, maybe they're right, that name _is_ a little too long…_

"Magna…oh, right, still don't have my armor." Magnamon sighed. "Oh, fine." He dropped his barrel. The Unseelie nearby took one look at him in his nakedness, shrieked in horror, and either fled back to their own dimension or vaporized then and there. "This is doing wonders for my self-esteem..."

"This is it," Leon said. "Our chance to-"

"Yes, yes, be big heroes, outdo Sora, blablabla, we heard it all before," Cid interrupted. "Let's just kill these things and get it over with."

"Was that Merlin who cast this spell on the Unseelie?" Tifa wondered.

"It was, I recognized his magic," Aerith said.

"Oh, cool, maybe after we're done here he can help change Aerith back to normal," Yuffie suggested. "Even though she's kind of cool as she is now."

"Yes I am, and no I don't want to be changed back to normal. I was boring," Aerith complained.

"You were not, you were sweet and kind and everyone loved you and you were not in love with Satan," Tifa said firmly.

"But I _want_ to-" Aerith started.

"No, you don't," Leon said flatly. "We're changing you back, and that's final."

Aerith growled at him, the eyes on her helmet glowing eerily and her bats swarming ominously around her. "Perhaps I should just kill you instead. _That_ would be final as well…"

"Eh heh, let's not be too hasty," Cid said, quickly intervening. "Ah…look, let's just do that thing where we combine all our weapons and finish off these Unseelie, okay?"

"Ooh! Awesome!" cheered Yuffie.

"Ih! Ih!" Stitch agreed.

Leon and Aerith, glaring at each other, nodded after a tense moment. They held out their weapons. Cid took his spear and laid it on top of Leon's sword. It somehow bonded itself to the Gunblade with a glow and a click. Aerith next attached her scythe to the Gunblade's bottom, blade pointed down. This also fused to the sword with a glow and click. Yuffie then attached two of her kunai to the Gunblade's sides and stuck her giant shuriken onto the tip. Stitch swallowed his own weapons, curled up into a ball, and bounced up onto the tip of the Gunblade pointing through the shuriken, also fastening to the combo weapon somehow. Hefting the strange device, Leon crouched and pointed it at the large group of immobile Unseelie nearest to them, while everyone else put their hands on his shoulders and back. He squeezed the trigger, causing all the weapons to glow and crackle with colored energy, while Stitch began spinning rapidly and generating heat and light. "Fire…Radiant Blaster!" The weapons lit up blindingly and fired Stitch forward at the tip of a spectacular multicolored energy beam, propelling him into the midst of the group of Unseelie and triggering a spectacular explosion which wiped all of them out. The Rangers turned and posed as the smoke and flames from the explosion rose dramatically behind them. "Mission complete!"

"Wheeeeeeee!" Stitch cheered as he fell, smoking, through the air, and collided with the Rangers from behind, knocking them all over.

Soon enough, thanks to the efforts of Merlin and everyone else, all of the Unseelie in the room were defeated. A great cheer rose up throughout the ranks of the weary guests and soldiers…

Until they remembered the hourglass Oberon had left on the dais. "Oh, crap!" shouted Darkwing. "That thing's still running! And we're almost out of time!"

They were indeed. Almost all of the black sand had fallen into the lower chamber of the hourglass. Everyone gathered around the hourglass anxiously, watching with fear and trepidation as the sand kept flowing. "Stand back," Leon boasted, pushing through the ranks. "I'll handle this!" Holding down his trigger for several seconds to gather power, he slashed at the hourglass….

Only for the energy to rebound at him and knock him over, blasting him out of his Ranger form. "Ow…"

"Leon!" His friends gathered around him.

"Oh, that's right," Buzz recalled. "Oberon said the hourglass was indestructible."

"Why didn't someone tell me that in the first place?" Leon muttered.

"Then we'll just flip it over," Mr. Incredible said, doing just that. "Simple, right?" Except that flipping over the hourglass hadn't reversed the direction in which the sand was flowing. Now, incredibly, it was moving _upwards_ from one chamber to the other. "Uh oh…"

"Aaaahhh! We're all gonna die!" Ultros screamed, waving his tentacles and the swords they were holding in the air. Quite naturally, a panic began spreading throughout the lot of them. Enkidu's loud barking didn't help.

"Dad, quick, get us out of here!" Max begged Goofy.

"Yeah, forget politics, we gotta get outta here before that thing kills us all!" Pete agreed.  
Goofy nodded. "Right, I'll get the boys in orbit to beam all of us up. Hailing Admiral Cunningham…"

"That won't work," Merlin interjected, coming over with Arthur. "The Doom spell is limited by time, not distance. No matter how far you run from the hourglass, those it is keyed to will still be killed when the last grain of sand falls."

Quite naturally, this caused everyone to panic again. "Aaaaahhh! I'm too pretty and young to die!" screamed Kuzco.

"And I'm too wealthy!" howled Glomgold.

"Same here!" agreed Scrooge.

"Nooooo, now I'll never get reelected!" wailed the Mayor of Halloweentown.

"Is this really the end?" Buzz wondered in horror.

"Didn't think the last roundup would be so soon," Woody murmured, taking off his hat and holding it to his chest while the other Toys started crying or holding each other. "We didn't even make it home yet…"

"Master Satan, I shall see you again soon," Aerith whispered.

"Aerith, I don't wanna die!" Yuffied wailed, hugging the Black Ranger.

"Shh, don't worry," Aerith promised her, hugging the ninja reassuringly. "I will make sure your soul finds a safe place in my master's realm…" Yuffie wondered if that was supposed to make her feel better.

A number of Moogles (and Nervous Rex) started running around in circles screaming, much to Montblanc's embarrassment. His embarrassment was washed away when Commander Shara picked him up and kissed him full on the lips, inspiring a number of other lovers to start hugging or making out as well out of fear that this was the end, much to the mixed feelings of their friends. A bawling Pete and Goofy hugged their startled sons, and Darkwing and Launchpad did the same with a very embarrassed Gosalyn. Magnamon burst into tears and clung to Alphamon's leg, while Crusadermon tried to kiss Dynasmon, something made rather difficult by her helmet's lack of a mouth. Ultros dropped his swords and hugged a barking Enkidu. Mechanicles, sobbing, hugged Scooter, rusting its metal hull with his tears. A bawling Kronk crushed Kuzco in his big, muscular arms, causing Kuzco to scream for his guards to stop hugging each other and execute the thick chef. Shere Khan, much to everyone's surprise, kissed Tifa. Franziska kissed Phoenix, causing him to scream in terror and flee for his life. Jack hugged his treasure and ran for the exit, hoping he might still be able to escape the curse somehow. Hook hugged Robo-Smee. Toady hugged Igthron. Zurg hugged a startled Buzz, as did XR and a few other Rangers. The Archadians and Dalmascans hugged each other and started singing some common ballad they knew from Ivalice. Everyone who didn't have a loved one to hug or spend their last moments with because they were either abducted by Oberon or were off on another world altogether felt very lonely.

Merlin, however, just rolled his eyes at all the melodrama. "Don't worry, I can fix this. Hmm, let's see…ah, yes, of course. Stopga!" The flow of sand in the hourglass froze in place just before the very last grain could fall into the upper chamber. "There, that should hold it for now. I'll need a little more time to disarm it completely, but that should keep anyone from dying for the moment." A deep sigh of relief went up from the crowd at this, and the people who had embarrassed or humiliated themselves with public displays of affection quickly broke apart, flushing. Tifa punched Shere Khan for kissing her, but not very hard. A great cheer went up as everyone celebrated the fact that they weren't going to die.

"Great job, Merlin!" Goofy said, smacking the wizard hard on the back and nearly knocking him over.

"Well done, old friend!" Arthur said, patting Merlin on the shoulder.

"Yeah, great work, Merlin!" Tifa said, causing Merlin to stiffen and flinch as the Power Rangers/Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee came over to him in the suits he had helped Cid design for them, their helmets removed. "Now, can you help us change Aerith back to normal? Sephiroth killed her, so Satan brought her back to life as a demonic concubine who will one day birth children which will destroy Radiant Garden."

"And she's in love with Satan, to boot! That just ain't right, darnit!" Cid agreed.

"I told you, I don't want to be changed back to normal! I _like_ being this way! I can finally stop being so nice and restrained around everyone and be the evil bitch I've always secretly longed to be!" Aerith snapped.

"Oh, and while you're at it, do you think you could turn me into a demon too? That would be really neat!" Yuffie added.

"Or help me figure out where Cloud went next?" Tifa asked. _Do I even want to know?_ She wondered to herself.

"And I need something to make me even stronger," Leon added. "The power of the Red Ranger is incredible, but I'm not sure it's enough to beat Sora."

"And conjure something to eat! Stitch hungry!" Stitch yelled.

Merlin put his face in his hands, trying very hard not to cry. Arthur patted his shoulder sympathetically. After a moment, Merlin managed to regain his strength and answered the Rangers. "I will see what I can do about Aerith. However, right now I have more pressing matters to attend to, such as…" He quickly glanced around the room, looking for an excuse. "Ah…such as reanimating the Gargoyles! Yes, that'll do."

"What about stopping Oberon?" Arthur whispered to him.

Merlin blinked. "Hmm? Oh, yes, that too. Now, let's just…" He paused. Frowned. Everyone looked at him.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, getting worried by Merlin's sudden pause.

Merlin's brow furrowed. "Something…something isn't right. Something…outside!" He whirled around, pointing his wand at the giant stained-glass window overlooking the wedding dais. "Stupefy!" A bolt of red light shot from his wand and shattered the glass with a resounding crash. Instantly, a startling amount of heat and eerie, flickering light were let into the room from outside the castle, causing those who had gotten used to the chapel's cool interior to gasp and begin to sweat. (Those who had sweat glands, anyway.) The many warriors, guests, and newcomers clustered around the window, jostling and pushing at each other to get a look outside, some going so far as to fly up or climb on top of each other to see what was going on.

They gasped in horror when they saw what was going on below.

Dark City was burning.

Spaceships of all varieties, Heartless or Nobody and even some of the ones belonging to the various nations of the guests were dropping from the upper atmosphere, falling apart and wreathed in flames.

Giant monsters, twisted mutations of Mushu, Abu, Xerxes, Sebastian, Jiminy Cricket, and Prince John rampaged freely throughout the streets and avenues of Dark City, causing destruction and mass chaos in their wake. Buildings toppled, and explosions were frequent. The inhabitants of the city seemed to have completely lost their minds; they were either fighting the monsters, each other, or standing still and doing absolutely nothing to save themselves from the giant beasts.

And Oberon, now a giant as well, glowed radiantly with an aura demonstrative of all the magic he had absorbed, watching with pride as his pets ravaged the city. Skyscrapers burned and crumbled to the ground around him. "THE END OF THE AGE OF MORTALS HAS COME!" he boomed, his voice ringing all across the burning city. "THIS PALTRY CITY IS BUT THE FIRST TO FALL! SOON ENOUGH, _ALL_ THE KINGDOMS OF MEN AND BEAST SHALL CRUMBLE, AND THE THIRD RACE SHALL REIGN SUPREME ONCE AGAIN!!!!"

What would have been an incredibly dramatic moment to end the chapter on was somewhat ruined when the sound of comically oversized shoes slapping on hard metal and stone floors could be heard. Heads turned around just in time to see Sora, panting and wearing his regular outfit, (after failing to break through the windows, he had decided to take the long way around, finding with some difficulty the room he had been staying in and entering through the balcony, changing clothes, and somehow navigating his way through the castle back up to the chapel) run through the door. "Okay everyone, I made…" He blinked, and stared at the room completely devoid of Unseelies, was totally wrecked, and had an alarming amount of bloodstains littering the place. (All the corpses had either been transported or destroyed in the fighting.) "It?"

_Nice going, we missed the whole thing! _Roxas complained. _I knew we should have taken the second left back at that intersection!_

"Remind me why we didn't switch places so you could portal us here instead?"

…_Uh….well, why didn't we just come in through that hole in the wall?_

Sora blinked, looking over at the hole made by Launchpad crashing the Astroquack into the chapel. "When did that get here?"

…

Two of the three armored figures, the female and the shorter male, palmed their faces as they heard Sora's comment while observing him in their key-shaped pool. The biggest of the trio showed little emotion or reaction, as usual. "Are you absolutely _sure_ he's the One?" the shorter male asked the taller.

"Of course," the taller said, as if it were obvious. "Could there be any doubt?"

The shorter man shrugged. "Well…I just thought, you know, the One would have a better sense of timing. Or direction. Or observational skills."

"He's never been very good at it," the female admitted. "Which is why the duck mage always handled the maps. Then again, I seem to recall _you_ weren't particularly good at it either."

"Just like _you_ weren't particularly good at cooking?" the shorter man snapped back. "Or flying a ship?"

The female stiffened. "You…!" Angrily, she drew her weapon. Her rival did the same thing.

"His navigational prowess, observational skills, or intelligence are not in question," the biggest of the trio interrupted before his brethren could start beating each other up. "Neither are your navigational skills, cooking aptitude, or piloting abilities."

"We never mentioned his intelligence," said the confused shorter man.

There was an awkward pause. "…Nevertheless, he is still the One," the tallest continued, as if his comrade had not spoken up. "He has survived the fall, just as I predicted. And now he must save his friends and defeat Oberon…lest all he holds dear fall into ruin."

"Do you think he can do it?" the female asked uneasily. "Perhaps we should step in…"

"The circumstances are not yet dire enough to justify an intervention," the tallest said, shaking his head. "And until that changes, no matter how badly Sora may need our assistance, he is on his own. Even so, he will prevail…for he is the One."

The shorter man sighed. "I hope…for all our sakes…that you are right. For if Sora dies, and he is indeed the One, then all our hopes will die with him."

There was another pause. "You said that last time," the female said.

"I did?" asked the surprised man. His companions nodded. "Oh. Heh. That was silly of me. I'll try to come up with a more original ending line next time."

…

TO BE CONTINUED….

…

And that's that, for now. Where's the latest bit for Destiny Islands, you wonder? Well, due to this chapter's length, I couldn't fit it in. You'll have to find out what happened to the Gullwings and their guardians in a later chapter.

Speaking of which…Oberon and his monsters have begun the process of destroying Dark City. Even with Sora on their side, can the heroic (or villainous) survivors of the Unseelie attack possibly defeat such a formidable foe? Find out next time!


	10. Go go Super Ultra Robo Sentai Force!

Hi. Back once more. Hopefully this chapter will be shorter than the last one…but no less entertaining. The big confrontation is about to begin.

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything that doesn't belong to me. The hijinks of the Royal Knights in this chapter were partially inspired by my good friend Ninetalesuk, who convinced me to use them in the first place. I make allusions to a number of shows, cartoons, and comics in this chapter, such as Tales of Supernatural Law by Batton Lash, Voltron, Power Rangers, past stories I've written, and other stuff. Try and spot them all!

…

Things had quieted down in the chapel (for the most part) after the battle with the Unseelie finished. Medics had beamed down from orbit to tend to any of the wounded warriors who had refused to leave the fight to get treated. Commanders were barking orders into their communicators to try and get a sense of what was going on up in space. Others were watching, in stunned disbelief, as Oberon and his monsters proceeded to level Dark City, their wanton destruction lit ghoulishly by the flames of burning buildings and the explosions and exchange of laser fire between the ships in orbit far above, making it look like a scene from Hell. Flaming ships crashed down every few minutes, some intact, others exploding while still in the air and scattering bits of scrap and Gummi blocks across the burning cityscape. A large group had also formed around Merlin, Arthur, and Sora, as the former filled the latter in (with rather unhelpful commentary from the others) as to just what had happened in his absence.

"So, let me get this straight," Sora said, his jaw set, growing angrier by the second. "After Oberon threw me out the window, he brought in this magical magic-absorbing crystal of Id-"

"Ix," corrected Merlin.

"Ix, and used it to suck up Kairi, Riku, Nosimono, and King Mickey." _And Namine,_ Roxas growled internally.

"Gawrsh, and Donald, Daisy, Queen Minnie, King Triton, Queen Kikida, and a buncha other people too, like the Princesses of Heart!" Goofy said sadly. "He even took poor Jiminy. And I couldn't do anything to stop it."

"Yeah, that jerk also took Jack!" the Mayor of Halloweentown said indignantly.

"I'm right here," said the confused Jack Sparrow.

"No, the other Jack."

"Oh."

"He also abducted Queen Ashe," added Basch.

"And Emperor Vayne!" chorused the Archadians. "Oh, and that creepy ghost-thing he talks to all the time."

"Good thing my wife's not here…she might have gotten taken too," Darkwing muttered to himself.

"Good thing she sent me instead of coming herself, huh?" Gosalyn said with a smirk. Darkwing grimaced and gave no comment.

"He took Jasmine, too," the Sultan said sadly.

"And Genie! And turned Abu into a monster!" Aladdin added angrily.

"He abducted poor Lady Bane," Duke Igthorn sobbed.

"And my brother!" King Richard snarled.

"And made Mushu into a monster as well," said Mulan.

"And he took Yzma. Not that I mind, though," Kuzco admitted. "She was scary as hell. And always trying to take over my kingdom. He can keep her."

"But who's gonna take care of me now?" Kronk whined. Kuzco groaned.

"And he stole Belle from me…" Adam growled, a flash of bestial rage passing through his eyes.

"And almost broke the contract he has with our race," Montblanc said coolly.

"And took all the fairies," Arthur added.

"And kidnapped my sorcerer! Not that he'll get much from him, that old lizard's on his last legs," admitted Lord Drauganus.

"And he abducted Sir Gilgamesh!" Ultros wailed, Enkidu howling plaintively.

"And he stole my magic sword! I'm nothing without her!" whined Dave the pathetic and cowardly barbarian.

"And infringed upon quite a few civil rights," pointed out Franziska.

"And he took Maleficent," Pete growled. "Before we could tie the knot! And a buncha our other guests, too! That jerk's also usurped control of the Heartless and Nobodies from us, so we can't even use them against him! We can't let him get away with this!" There was a unanimous roar of agreement at this.

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" the Queen of Hearts bellowed.

"GUILTY AS CHARGED!" Judge Doom added.

"Hey, why hasn't he used those guys against us, anyhow?" PJ suddenly wondered. "The Heartless or Nobodies?"

"Arrogance," Merlin explained. "The majority of Heartless and Nobodies are made from the darkness or cast-offs of mortal hearts, so…"

"So he doesn't want anything to do with them," Max realized. "Which is why they're acting all crazy and stuff, right?"

"I presume so," Merlin agreed. "We are fortunate, however, that they are too confused by the switch in authority and the chaotic flux of magical energies radiating from Oberon due to the power he has absorbed to revert to their base instincts and attack us, especially with their natural enemy the Keybearer in their midst."

_Sora, do you think that if we switched places, I could get control over those Nobodies?_ Roxas asked.

_You think you can do it all by yourself?_ Sora asked doubtfully.

_Well, if Zexion could…_

_You _might_ be able to…but if Pete and everyone else here can't get control over the Heartless since Oberon's overriding them, that might mean you can't do anything either._

_Oh. Yeah. Good point…asswipe._

_Hey!_

_I was referring to Oberon, not you._

_Oh. All right, then._ Out loud, Sora said, "Right, so he kidnapped a bunch of other people, drove the Heartless and Nobodies nuts (which is why there's some big battle going on in space) then transformed a bunch of other people into giant monsters which are currently rampaging through the city. And once he's done here, he's going to go to some other planet, possibly one of ours, drain the magic there, and start all over."

Merlin nodded. "Precisely."

"That jerk! Destroying planets is supposed to be our thing!" Pete bellowed angrily. "I'm not letting him get away with ripping off our M.O.D!" There were more roars of agreement, but less so than before, mainly just from the evil side.

"Sora, we gotta stop Oberon and rescue King Mickey, Donald, and everyone else!" Goofy said anxiously.

"Aye lad, we can't leave my nephew inside that tyrant!" Scrooge agreed.

Sora found himself besieged by similar sentiments and pleas from nearly everyone around him. None of them wanted their friends or loved ones to be left inside Oberon for too long, and a number seemed to be afraid that their friends might not be saved because they were evil or presumably 'not important enough'. "Relax, everybody!" Sora yelled to quiet them. "Nobody's going to be left behind! We're going to find some way to break everyone out of there and show Oberon he should have thought twice before messing with the people we care about, and we're going to do it together, right?!" There were several fierce nods of agreement. Not everyone there agreed with or liked each other most of the time. Many of them had deep and bitter rivalries. But for the moment, they were all united by one burning desire: the desire to get their friends back and make Oberon pay. Well, those who had actually lost something to Oberon, that is, but those who hadn't were still pretty eager to see the big blue elf get taken down a peg or two for all his arrogance, prejudice, and for paralyzing them for half an hour, using them as projectiles, unleashing a bunch of horrible monsters on them, and trying to kill them with a Doom spell.

"We're all in this, together, then," Arthur said. "Oberon cannot be allowed to succeed. I am not certain how we can defeat him as he is now, however…but perhaps Merlin has some ideas?" He glanced at the startled wizard. "You came to assist us, so I assume you have some thoughts on how we can go about defeating Oberon…"

"Hey yeah, Merlin knows tons o' stuff! Taught Donald most of what he knows about magic!" Goofy recalled.

"And we wouldn't have been able to rebuild Radiant Garden without his help," Tifa added.

"So Merlin, whaddya got for us?" Yuffie asked cheerfully.

Merlin flinched and glared at Arthur, thinking it very unfair for his protégé to be putting him on the spot like this. He sighed and looked out at all the many beseeching faces hoping he could pull some magical remedy out of his tall, pointed hat that could make everything better. "Merlin?" Sora asked, the desperate hope for a way to save his friends clear on the young boy's face.

Merlin grimaced. It wasn't that easy. Things didn't work that way. "I…_do_ have an idea of what we can do, yes," he said slowly. "However…I'm afraid there is very little I can do to help you against Oberon."

This was clearly not the answer they had been hoping for. He could see it in their faces. "What? Why not?!" Adam growled.

"Oh! Wait! I know! It's that crystal thing, right? Since you're magic, that means you're vulnerable to it, too?" Max guessed.

Merlin nodded. "That _is_ part of it, yes. However, I have certain measures which can guard against the crystal's power. No, that is not the true reason I cannot help you to my utmost in this coming battle."

"Then what the heck _is_ the reason?!" Pete bellowed angrily, echoing the growing feelings of frustration and resentment swelling around them.

Merlin sighed deeply. "Because…a long time ago, I made a deal with Oberon. A deal stating that, in return for his aid, should ever a time come where he did something which I would personally find deeply reprehensible, I do nothing to directly oppose it."

This clearly shocked everyone. "Why the hell would you make a deal like that?!" Leon shouted angrily.

_Yeah, what was he thinking?!_ Roxas agreed. Sora frowned, wondering the same thing.

"Merlin…I don't understand…" Arthur whispered, looking hurt and somewhat betrayed. Goofy and the other soldiers from Disney Castle were shocked as well, as were the rest of the Radiant Garden gang, who had thought for a while that they could trust Merlin, and now it seemed as if the opposite was the case.

The current mood of the mob seemed to be leaning towards lynching the old wizard. However, a few people kept clear heads. "The only reason youse would possibly have promised to do that…is if Oberon was giving you something of equal value in return, kupo," Montblanc observed. "Something so important to you that youse would go against your own personal beliefs to get it. Kupo, what was it youse got in return for this deal?"

"Aye, it must have been something very important to have made a bad bargain like that," Scrooge agreed, knowing all about how costly some deals were to make.

"Aye, even though you probably regret it later…" Glomgold grumbled, recalling how much the deal he had made with Scrooge for protection would cost him.

Merlin nodded in agreement. "Indeed, it was something very near and dear to me. It was…Arthur's life. I made that bargain to save Arthur's life."

Arthur was startled by this, as was everyone else. "You…you made a deal like that to save me?" asked the stunned monarch. "I…I don't understand."

"Do you not recall the final battle, my liege?" Merlin asked Arthur quietly. "The one in which the army of Camelot clashed against the forces of Morgan le Fay, led by your own twisted offspring Mordred? The battle in which you slew Mordred, but received mortal wounds from his blade, a cursed blade, wounds I was unable to repair even with my magic and healing arts?"

"I…" Arthur frowned. "Yes, I remember."

"How do you think I was able to save you, Arthur? How do you think it was that you wound up sleeping on Avalon for centuries, until the day when the lady Elise awoke you to aid in the battle against the Archmage?" Merlin asked.

There was a long silence as everyone absorbed this. Arthur's eyes were wide. "Merlin…you…you did all that…just to save me?"

Merlin gave Arthur a sad smile. "How could I do any less, my liege? The world still had need of you. I could not simply let you die, just like that. Not without exhausting every resource at my disposal. Which is what led me to Avalon, where I begged Oberon to heal you and give you a safe place to rest until the time came when you would be needed once again."

"I'm surprised he said yes, even with that rather demanding bargain," Basch commented.

"Yes, he didn't seem particularly fond of us mortals," agreed the Sultan.

Merlin shrugged. "It may surprise you, but at one time Oberon was far more tolerant of mortals than he is now. His current attitude is fairly recent, actually, and I am not entirely sure what has led him to such a drastic shift in values. I suspect it may be genetic…his mother, Queen Mab, was overwhelmed by a great madness many years ago and had to be overthrown. Now it seems that that same madness has overtaken her son, which is why it is imperative we must stop him at all costs. In any event, while he was more tolerant of mortals in those days, he still was not pleased by the prospect of sheltering one on the sacred isle of Avalon, hence why he demanded such a heavy price from me in exchange for saving Arthur's life. My choice then seemed clear. I could not let Arthur die; the universe needed him too much. And while I did not particularly agree with all of Oberon's methods or the way he ruled his subjects, I did not foresee that an event such as this might arise by Oberon's own hand, one which I might have been able to help prevent were it not for my bargain."

Arthur was sullen. "I see…so…it's because of me that you are helpless to act. Perhaps…it would have been best if I had died after all-"

"Don't say that!" a number of heroes, including Sora, yelled abruptly.

"If you hadn't been saved then, you couldn't have helped us out so much now!" Sora pointed out.

"Gawrsh, or helped save your world from the Heartless and become its ruler!" Goofy agreed.

"While the price to get you here may have been rather high, you are here now because you needed to be," the Emperor of China said wisely. "And now you can do what you must, what you were meant to do."

"Yeah, you would have been useless to everyone dead," Darkwing agreed. "Alive, well…there's all kinds of stuff you can do!"

"Better alive than dead, that's my motto," Jack Sparrow agreed.

"Same," nodded Buzz.

"It's like that old cheesy movie they roll out every Christmas and parody all the time," commented PJ. "The one where the world's really a better place because you're alive than it would be if you had never been born."

"I thought there were three ghosts and an old guy…" said a confused Pete.

"Different movie."

"Ah."

"They are correct, the world most certainly would not be the same without you," Merlin agreed. "You were needed then and you are needed now, and that is why you are here."

Arthur considered this for a moment, and then nodded. "I see your point. Forgive my lapse of judgment; I shall not think such dark thoughts again. However, it still remains that because of the deal Merlin made to save me, there is nothing he can do to help us save everyone Oberon has abducted."

"Not necessarily," Phoenix pointed out shrewdly. "Merlin said he couldn't do anything to _directly_ oppose Oberon. Indirectly, though…"

Merlin nodded in agreement. "Indirectly, yes, there are a number of things I can do. Looking back, I should have had a lawyer with me to negotiate my contract with Oberon…oh well; hindsight's always 20/20, as they say."

"Then you _do_ know a way we can save everyone," Aladdin said hopefully.

Merlin nodded. "Indeed I do. First of all, the giant monsters outside can be changed back to normal if something of equivalent size or power knocks them unconscious, causing the magic powering them to depart."

Commander Nebula shook his head fiercely. "We can't call our ships in orbit for help there, they're too busy trying to keep themselves from being blasted to smithereens by those idiot Heartless and Nobody warships! We'll need something else to take care of those beasts."

"In other words, giant robot battle! Yes!" cheered Yuffie.

"Yuffie in a giant robot…very bad idea…" Tifa muttered.

"Well, we've been wanting to put those Zord things to the test in combat," Cid pointed out. "I think they should work."

"This should be amusing," Aerith cackled.

"Fighting a giant monster…hmm, I think we can handle that, kupo," Montblanc said, pulling out his communicator to relay something to the Trade Federation ships in orbit.

"I have a little something that may come in handy as well," Zurg added. "I was saving it to use against Lightyear, but I suppose now is as good a time as any to use it."

"I wonder if Gizmoduck can become a giant robot…" Scrooge muttered to himself. Gizmoduck swallowed, feeling a deep sense of dread.

"My mechanical marvels should be able to handle those enormous abominations!" Mechanicles said confidently. "And clean up the mess afterwards, too!"

"Of course, that only takes care of the monsters," Merlin said. "Oberon…will be a bit more problematic. Sora, this task falls to you."

Sora blinked. "It does?"

Merlin nodded. "Indeed. The Crystal of Ix has a set limit for how much magic it can contain, but Oberon has circumvented this by enlarging himself and fusing with the crystal itself to give him a near-limitless ability to absorb magic and magical beings. As such, the magic word which would normally cause the Crystal to release its captives will no longer work, so you will need to free them manually, namely by traveling inside Oberon's body, finding his heart, and using your Keyblade on it to unlock and release the power and people he has imprisoned within himself."

"Whoa, wait, I have to go _inside_ Oberon?!" asked a surprised Sora. "How exactly am I going to do that?!"

"I have a few ideas…" Merlin murmured.

"Why does Sora have to be the one?" Leon asked abruptly, an angry look on his face. "Surely somebody else could do it…"

"Anyone could travel inside Oberon, if inserted in the right way," Merlin agreed. "But only Sora has a Keyblade."

"Ah, actually…" Jack raised his Keyblade. Leon fumed, seeing that even a dirty pirate got the weapon he consistently failed to receive. "I sort of have one too. But, ah, I'm not _volunteering_ to go in Sora's place or something. I mean, I wouldn't want to deny him the lovely experience of traveling through a giant magical beast's innards, wouldn't be quite fair, right mate?" He winked at Sora, who rolled his eyes. "Besides, I'd probably be better off out here."

"Where you can steal everyone's stuff and run away?" Sora asked deadpan.

"Yeah, pretty much." He shrugged as everyone glared at him. "What? Pirate, remember?"

"Me too," grunted Hook.

"No big deal," Sora said with a sigh. "I've been inside a giant whale. A giant elf-thing shouldn't be much different. I hope."

"If you're going in to save His Majesty and everyone else," Goofy said determinedly. "Then I'm a' goin' with you!"

"Yeah, same here!" Pete grunted. "I can't let some other guy save Maleficent, she'd never let me live it down! And besides, how can I trust you losers not to take her out while she's still weak once she's rescued, huh?"

"Pete, we'd never do that!" said an alarmed Sora.

"Yeah, I know," Pete admitted. "One good thing that's dependable about you do-gooders. Still, she'd resent being in such a vulnerable position, so I might as well go to make her less indignant when we rescue her."

"If you're going in to save the one you love, then so am I," Adam declared.

"Me too!" added Aladdin.

"And my sword shall join yours as well," offered Mulan.

"It would be remiss for you to go into danger on your own, so I shall join you," Basch offered. "It is, after all, my duty to protect Queen Ashe."

"We'll go, too," said Sally. "To save Jack."

"We will?!" said the alarmed Mayor.

"I'd love to help you, mate," said Jack (the pirate, not the skeleton). "But, ah. I can't. Doctor's orders. I'm allergic to crawling around a giant monster's innards, see?"

"Dad, why don't you go?" Gosalyn hissed to Darkwing.

Darkwing grimaced. "What, are you kidding? I've got no place wandering around the bowels of a giant monster! I just got this costume cleaned! Besides, they'll be fine on their own."

"I'm going too," Ultros added, waving his tentacles. "I have to save Sir Gilgamesh!" Enkidu barked in agreement.

"I should probably go along as well, to increase your chances of getting out safely," Buzz Lightyear offered.

"Hell, I'll come too," Woody said. "Can't be worse than some of the other places we've been since leaving Andy's." The other Toys looked at their leader in dismay.

"I will go as well, to save Lady Bane!" Duke Igthorn declared.

"You may have the services of any of my knights to go with you," Alphamon said, much to the other Royal Knights' chagrin.

"I suppose there would be no harm in my coming, too," Shere Khan said.

"I'll go too," Leon said stubbornly.

"You can't go, Leon!" Cid protested.

"What? Why not?!"

"We can't form the super-giant robot without you, remember?" Tifa pointed out.

"…Oh. Yeah." Leon fumed at the unfairness of that silently.

"Can I go, then?" Yuffie pleaded. "I want to help save Kairi! She's one of my bestest friends, I can't let her stay trapped in Oberon forever!"

"Yuffie, if we can't let Leon go, why would we let you?" Tifa asked.

Yuffie pouted. "Well, it was worth a try…"

"You can count on us," Wildwing of the Mighty Ducks said.

"Us too!" said Mr. Incredible, flexing his muscles.

Sora looked around in alarm as just about every hero in the room (and a couple of villains) declared they were going in with him. "Ah…thanks, guys…it's going to be a little crowded, though…"

_We don't need these posers cramping our style,_ Roxas said brazenly.

"I shall go as well," Arthur exclaimed. "And Excalibur shall taste that tyrant's foul blood!"

"Ah, no, I don't think so," Merlin said quickly, seeing that this had gone a little too far. "Everyone, listen to me, please! While your sentiments are honorable, I am afraid that all of you cannot possibly go in with Sora. Too big a party will draw too much attention and have less chance of not only entering Oberon's body, but of making it out alive. Three is the maximum number that can be allowed to go; I cannot vouch for the safety of any more than that. Sora, since you are by necessity one of the three, I leave it to you to choose the other two members of your party to accompany you inside Oberon."

There were very loud complaints that that was unfair, but Merlin ignored those and kept looking at Sora expectantly. Sora grimaced, not exactly liking to be put on the spot either, and looked around at everyone. Many of them were his friends, and all of them wanted to help out. This was going to be a tough decision to make…

Then again, maybe not. He suddenly realized there were only two people he could possibly bring. "Goofy. Pete. You're in."

"Awright!" Pete whooped as the warriors Sora hadn't picked groaned in disappointment…and in a few cases, relief.

"Gawrsh, Sora, thanks a lot…but why'd you pick Petie and me?" the dog-man asked as he came over to Sora's side.

"Just a gut feeling," Sora said. "That, and a couple other things. While I trust just about everyone I've already fought with before here, I've got the most experience with you. As for Pete…" He scratched the back of his neck. "Well, it's his fiancé in there, so he should have the right to save her himself, right?"

"But a lot of our loved ones are in there too," Aladdin protested. "So don't we get the right to save them ourselves?"

"Well, yes, but this was supposed to be Pete's day," Sora pointed. "His wedding. Therefore, he deserves more than anyone else to get a chance to make things right, since Oberon ruined his big day. Plus, we need a representative from the villains so the rest of the bad guys don't think we'll abandon anyone in there just because we don't like them."

"Damn straight!" said Shego, holding the moaning and beaten Drakken in a headlock. There were several mutters of agreement from the other villains to show that they were okay with this, although Igthorn was upset he couldn't save Lady Bane himself.

Sora's other friends were disappointed but respected his decision. "I have faith in you," Adam told Sora. "Bring Belle back to me."

"You'll do your best to bring back Genie and Jasmine, right Sora?" Aladdin asked the Keybearer.

"And everyone else, too!" added Mulan.

Sora nodded. "Don't worry, guys. You can rely on me!"

"Dad…good luck in there, all right? We'll keep a handle on things over here," Max said, shaking his father's hand.

Goofy nodded. "I know you will, Maxie. And when I get back…ah…we'll talk about that medal, okay?"

"All right!" Max cheered.

"Bring Donald back in one piece, and I'll see what I can do about getting you a big fat bonus," Scrooge told Goofy sternly.

"We are trusting you to save our fellows," Zurg said to Pete.

"And Maleficent," Hook added. "Don't forget about her!"

Pete snorted. "Yeah, like I could forget, she's only my freaking fiancée. Don't worry, boys, I got this well in hand! Just take care o' those monsters while I'm gone, don't want Maleficent to come back and find she's lost her entire damn city to those things!"

"How much do you want to bet he'll die in there?" Glomgold whispered to the other villains once Pete had turned away to speak to PJ.

"50 munny he chokes," Igthorn whispered back. "Or should I say, chokes Oberon with his fat carcass!"

"70 he gets digested in boiling stomach acid," said Negaduck.

"I'll get in on that action. 100 he drowns in saliva," said Hook.

"120 on him getting killed by Oberon's immune system!" hissed Drauganus.

"200 munny on him coming out alive!" Judge Doom submitted.

The villains looked at him, glanced at each other, and laughed. "Sure, go ahead, if you want to throw your money away that badly," cackled Shego, punching poor Drakken again for cloning her without permission. The other villains quickly placed their own bets on the chances of Pete dying or making it back, and how he would be killed if he didn't survive. Most of them were hoping he'd die, because then not only would they get some cash, but it would also make Maleficent available again.

"Thanks for letting me come with you guys," Pete whispered to Sora as he stood next to him and Goofy.

"You sure Maleficent won't be angry about us joining forces?" Sora whispered back.

Pete chuckled. "Naw, I'll just lie and tell her I blackmailed you into doing as I said by threatening to attack your planet."

Sora blinked. "But…I thought you couldn't control the Heartless anymore…"

"Yeah, but _she_ doesn't need to know that when we rescue her, does she?" Pete smirked.

"So," Merlin said, bringing everyone back up to date. "Sora, Pete, and Goofy shall enter Oberon's body with a little help from yours truly. In the meantime, a number of you will defeat the giant monsters that have been unleashed on the city."

"Our Zords should take care of things," Leon said confidently.

"Ih! Ih! The red one's the greatest!" Stitch agreed.

Leon smirked. "Why, thank you Stitch."

"I think he was referring to his own Zord," Cid murmured to him. "You, know, the big red one."

Leon scowled. "Oh."

"Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX will do an excellent job of cleaning those nasty beasts up as well!" Mechanicles boasted.

"What happened to Mk. II-VIII?" Aladdin asked Mechanicles.

The genius grimaced. "I don't want to talk about it. Say, Aladdin…you know, I actually think I could use your help in my robot…" He grinned, extending his monocle to look at Razoul. "And perhaps some help from your big, burly friends here, too…"

"I don't like the way he's looking at us, street rat," Razoul muttered to Aladdin. "Make him stop!"

"Mr. McDuck, I'm really not sure I can turn into a giant robot," Gizmoduck protested as Scrooge flipped through his cyborg bodyguard's instruction manual.

"Nonsense, there's got to be some kind of growth ray here somewhere," Scrooge said dismissively. "I can't believe Gyro Gearloose would bother not to include something like that. And if worse comes to worse, you can always just push all your buttons at once."

Gizmoduck groaned. "Oh, I _hate_ doing that…"

"What does pushing all his buttons do?" Gosalyn asked Darkwing.

"You don't want to know," Darkwing said with a grimace. "Trust me when I say it's not pretty."

"Hmm…" Negaduck rubbed his chin and glanced at Gizmoduck, his interest piqued.

"The Trade Federation has a little number of its own which should prove useful," Montblanc piped up. "It's on its way here now, kupo."

"We have something that should prove useful as well," Alphamon added.

"We do?" asked a confused Magnamon.

"Yes, now shut up, the adults are talking," Dynasmon hissed.

"Hey, you can't speak to my cousin that way!" snapped UlforceVeedramon.

"I can speak to him however I want, I'm his superior, and yours too!" snarled Dynasmon.

"That doesn't give you an excuse to be rude, you asshole!" UlforceVeedramon growled back.

"Asshole! Why you-" Dynasmon and UlforceVeedramon tried to attack each other, but were thankfully held back by their less hot-headed fellows.

Alphamon groaned and rubbed his forehead, feeling a splitting headache coming on…again. "Well, at least nobody commented on Duftmon's odor…"

"What was that?! Did somebody say I smelled bad?!" Duftmon cried, looking around wildly. Alphamon put his face in his hands and wept.

"And my newest secret weapon should be of great help as well. I was saving it to kill Lightyear, but I suppose circumstances are forcing me to play it a bit early," Zurg said with a sigh. "A shame. I was so looking forward to the look on his face when he saw my new invincible giant robot."

"Well, you'll get to see the look on my face when I see it after you summon it down now," Buzz pointed out.

"Yes, but I won't be unleashing it _against_ you, it's not the same thing," Zurg complained.

"Hey, that's not fair," Kuzco complained. "If all of you guys are doing something, what're the rest of us supposed to do? And by the rest of us, I mean everyone who isn't me."

"Well, I'll be off looting the place," Jack said cheerfully. "Since the security's down everywhere, that should make all the treasure easy pickings for yours truly."

"Hey, wait, you can't do that!" Hook cried as Jack ran away very quickly. "Not without me, anyway! You can't carry all that treasure by yourself, you know!" He quickly chased after the pirate.

"Hey wait, you still need to give back my armor!" Magnamon yelled, chasing after the both of them.

"Magnamon, wait!" cried UlforceVeedramon, about to go after him.

"Oh, just let him go, he has to learn how to do things on his own eventually," Craniummon advised.

"Like how Duftmon needs to learn how to take a shower?" Dynasmon joked.

"Why you-" Duftmon tried to attack Dynasmon, but was thankfully held back by the other knights.

"Oh, oh, can I go too? Pleeeeaaaase?!" Yuffie begged her friends.

"No," they said flatly.

"Awwww…"

"Hey, there's an idea," Pete said, getting a thought. "With all the personnel gone due to Oberon going and screwing everything up, this flying rock's practically dead in the air. If somebody could go and figure out how to start the thing back up, I'm sure Maleficent would appreciate it and spare your worlds for a little longer…plus, you might be able to use this baby's weapons systems to help everyone else out! And, ah, stop Jack and Hook from looting the place, since Maleficent won't be happy with that, either." There were some reluctant murmurs at this, since it wasn't exactly the action-packed adventure they had all been hoping for. However, after several minutes of persuasion, bribery, and outright threats, everyone was convinced it was imperative they try and bring the flying citadel back online. They started breaking off into groups to discuss just how they were going to go about fixing the castle, leaving Sora's team, Merlin and Arthur, and the groups who had volunteered to take on the giant monsters alone.

"Won't Maleficent be unhappy that you let everyone go traipsing through her castle without permission?" Zurg asked Pete.

"When it comes up in conversation, I have every intention of lying profusely and claiming that you all threatened to cut out my gonads if I didn't let you go," Pete explained. "She'll probably light me on fire anyway, but I can live with that."

"I think you have chosen your team well, Sora," Merlin complimented the Keyblade master. "And now that we are a bit more alone…" The ten Royal Knights coughed, as did the six Radiant Rangers, Razoul and his men, and Glomgold, Darkwing, Negaduck, Launchpad, and Gosalyn. Merlin glared at them. "Relatively speaking, anyway, I should reveal something I didn't exactly want the others to hear, considering how badly they reacted to my other news."

Sora frowned, as did his companions. "What is it?" The others were looking at the old wizard in interest as well.

"Well, you see…" Merlin took a deep breath. "While you're inside Oberon, you must not do anything that may fatally harm or kill him."

There was a long pause as they processed this indeed unwelcome news. Then Pete spoke up, thinking he understood. "Wait, I get it…because if we kill him while he's still got everyone stuck inside him, they'll die too, right? No problem, we'll just free them, then kill the jerk!"

"I'm afraid you can't do that, either," Merlin said uneasily. As he had expected, this did not go over well with everyone. "Kill him afterwards, I mean. In other words, you can't kill him at all while you're inside of him, the consequences will be most dire."

"WHAAAAAT?!" Pete roared.

"That's ridiculous!" cried Zurg.

"That kidnapper must pay for abducting the princess of Agrabah!" Razoul snarled. Aladdin, not usually bloodthirsty, found himself agreeing.

"Yeah, I want that creep to die, too!" Yuffie agreed.

"As do I. He banished my master, and for that he must suffer!" Aerith snarled. Stitch yelled violent curse words in his weird language that no one understood.

"That's total BS!" cursed Cid.

"What a load of malarkey," grumbled Negaduck in agreement.

"We cannot allow such an injustice to go unpunished by anything less than the maximum penalty!" protested Dynasmon loudly.

"You mean being forced to listen to one of your speeches?" sneered Duftmon.

"Why you-" The two of them had to be quickly restrained to keep each other from fighting. Alphamon groaned.

"It's a good thing Goliath's still asleep, I don't think he'd be happy to hear that," Arthur muttered.

"Hmm…" hummed Montlbanc, folding his arms. "Kupo."

_Bullshit! Who's this guy think he is?! We've totally gotta murder that guy for kidnapping Namine! And those other guys. And ladies. Do you think any of them would sleep with us for rescuing them?_ Asked Roxas. Sora ignored him.

"Now, hang on fellas, there's gotta be a good reason why we can't kill Oberon," Goofy said reassuringly. "Right, Merlin?"

The elderly wizard nodded in agreement. "Precisely. It's like this: by abducting and absorbing the magic of so many varied individuals and items, Oberon has broken a number of the laws of magic. The fact that he intends to continue absorbing different kinds of magic is even worse, since that action would threaten the very balance of the universe."

"How so?" asked an alarmed Sora.

Merlin began to explain. "By mixing all the different kinds of magic he's stolen inside himself, Oberon threatens to create an incredibly volatile and unstable mass of mystical energy. As you may have heard by now, magicks of different types should not be thrown together haphazardly, since it can lead to great catastrophe! There are countless different varieties of magic, and more than one of them works in opposition to the others, so any attempt to combine those conflicting varieties can lead to a dreadful calamity if one is not very careful in how they are put together. Oberon foolishly believes that by fusing himself with the crystal of Ix, he can safely contain all this unstable energy within himself and is free to capture even more…he is, however, terribly, terribly wrong. He may be able to control the energy for a while, but if he continues absorbing opposing magic, it will destabilize further, until the various conflicting mystical powers within him tear him apart…and, just maybe, take a sizable chunk of the universe with him!"

The assembled heroes (or villains) gasped at this. "Oh crap…" Darkwing moaned. "I knew I should never have left St. Canard…"

"Me munny!" Scrooge cried.

"And mine, too!" added Glomgold.

Zurg groaned. "Wonderful…"

Pete whistled. "Wow, Maleficent will be pissed; she wanted to destroy the universe herself."

"My master wanted the same thing," snarled Aerith. "He won't be pleased this upstart has beaten him to it!"

Cid sighed. "This is why I try and stay out of magic. At least with aeronautics and astrophysics you don't run the risk of blowing up the whole damn universe half the time!"

"The universe is going to be destroyed?" moaned Mechanicles. "Ohhhh, that's going to make such a mess! I don't think I have a robot nearly big enough to clean that up…"

Gallantmon sighed. "And we _just_ saved the universe from being obliterated by Millenniummon only last week…we never get a break, do we?"

"Gawrsh…" murmured Goofy.

_Here we go again,_ said Roxas with a sigh.

"That makes it all the more imperative that we free everyone before something like that happens, right?" Sora asked Merlin.

The wizard nodded. "Precisely."

"You haven't told us why we can't kill Oberon, though," Leon pointed out.

Merlin blinked. "I haven't? Oh, yes, that's right. Well, because of the threat he represents, and the many laws of magic he's broken, the powers that be have authorized Oberon's termination. However, Oberon is a powerful figure and his destruction, if not handled carefully, would tear a rift in the mystical fabric of the universe. He necessitates part of the balance of the cosmos, and so he must not be slain by mortal hands, otherwise it could cause a disruption almost as bad as the one which is sure to occur if the conflicting magic within him is not released before it is too late."

_Darn…that's annoying,_ complained Roxas.

"But you said he's been authorized for termination…how exactly are we supposed to facilitate that if none of us are allowed to kill him?" asked a confused Tifa.

Merlin smiled grimly. "I said he cannot be slain by _mortal_ hands. _Im_mortal, on the other hand…"

"That's where I come in, yo!" a familiar demonic voice boomed. There was a burst of flame, and Satan appeared in their midst, his priestly robes exchanged for the outfit he had worn the night before. His sudden entrance naturally startled the group and put them on edge.

"Kupo!" said the alarmed Montblanc.

"Satan!" cried Arthur.

"Golly, it's Master S!" cried Goofy.

"Mastah," Pete and Satan both corrected him.

"Oh great, it's him again…" groaned Zurg.

"Oh, cool, the devil!" said an excited Gosalyn.

"Gosalyn, don't get anywhere near him, it's bad enough you have to be near all those crackheads, delinquents and ne'er-do-wells at school, I don't want you picking up any bad influences from the devil too!" Darkwing cried, dragging her back. Gosalyn and Negaduck both rolled their eyes at Darkwing's overprotectiveness.

"Master!" Aerith cried joyfully, tackling him.

Chortling, the ruler of Hell twirled her about and cradled her smaller body in his arms, allowing her to kiss him deeply then lounge back on his shoulder. "Hoho, glad to see somebody missed me! Whassup, homies?" Satan laughed.

"Weren't you banished?" asked a confused Sora while the Rangers fumed at how intimate Satan was getting with their friend.

"Yeah, I seem to remember Oberon throwing some…Holy…flashing thing…and then you were gone," said Aladdin.

Satan laughed. "Ha, like some lame-ass banishment spell would keep the main demon down! I kicked that thing to the curb almost as soon as I got back to the 'hood, I woulda been back sooner but I had to arrange proper…shall we say, _retaliatory measures_ against that blue-skinned wanksta for his acts of war against Hell!"

"What acts of war?" asked a puzzled UlforceVeedramon.

"Banishing its ruler and his highest-ranking functionaries along with a number of his underlings, kidnapping his daughter, possibly causing a calamity that might destroy the universe before he can do it himself…" pointed out Craniummon.

"Ah."

"While all of you are occupied fighting Oberon's minions," Merlin explained. "Satan will do battle with Oberon himself, to distract him and keep him from interfering. It will also make it easier for Sora's team to infiltrate Oberon's body and release the captive magic within his heart."

"And then, once they're all clear…BAM! I'm gonna rip that sucka a dozen new shitholes!" boasted Satan. "I'd do it right now, actually, if that wouldn't possibly kill Babygirl or cause all that wild magic inside him to go off prematurely and ruin the real estate."

"Merlin, are you sure this is a good idea?" Arthur whispered to the wizard. "I mean, this is the _Devil_ here. We can't exactly trust him, can we?"

"We have little choice at the moment, my liege," Merlin murmured. "Satan's one of the few immortals powerful enough to challenge and defeat Oberon, and in addition he's totally immune to the Crystal of Ix. There really aren't any other individuals we could get to do this."

"Got that right," Satan said. "Normally, you'd be right to worry, I probably might do somethin' dirty on the side…but Babygirl's on the line here, I can't risk that! She's too important to me!"

"Huh, look at that DW…even the Devil's got a soft spot where his kid's concerned! You and he aren't that different after all, are you?" Launchpad commented.

Everyone looked at him as if he were crazy, which he probably was. "Yes," Darkwing said finally. "Yes, I am. Different, I mean."

"Yeah, there's no way you can be like him!" Negaduck agreed. "_I'm_ the evil one here, after all! That's _my_ job!"

"If you're going to help us out with Oberon, then you have to change Aerith back too!" Leon insisted.

"Oh, and could you possibly-" Yuffie started.

"NO!" the other Rangers yelled at her.

"What? Change her back? Why the fuck would I wanna do that?!" asked an annoyed Satan. "Yo logic makes no sense either; it means I'd be doing you _two_ favors and not getting anything in return for the second one! And that ain't cool with the main demon!"

_I kinda like her the way she is now, too,_ Roxas commented. _She's sexy!_

_Shut up Roxas,_ grunted Sora.

"Gawrsh, would it be that big a deal for you to just turn Miss Aerith back to normal?" Goofy asked Satan politely.

"Yes," Satan said flatly.

"Plus, I don't _want_ to be changed back," Aerith sneered. "So there."

"If you don't do it, we'll-" Tifa started.

"What? Beat me up?" Satan laughed. "Girl, I could kill you all single-handed. Without using any hands, actually!"

"Then what if we did it?" Sleipmon challenged.

Satan considered. "Hmm. Okay, I'd need at least one hand…maybe two, if I'm feeling generous…would still take you wankstas."

"Who're you calling a wanksta?!" Dynasmon snarled.

"'Wanksta'? What does that mean?" wondered UlforceVeedramon.

"Yes, it's such a strange word…I don't believe I've ever heard it before," agreed Gallantmon.

"'Wanksta'…hmm. I wonder if I could fit that into a good poem," mused Crusadermon.

"I don't suppose a bribe would suffice?" Scrooge asked, after some prodding from Gizmoduck and Gosalyn.

"Nope," Satan rebuked him. "I got more munny than you, McDuck, and that's saying something! Take a look at all the bling I got on me! You really think I need _more_ cash?" The rich duck had to admit, the devil had a point there.

"I wonder if I could 'unlock' whatever's making her a demon…" Sora pondered.

_Wouldn't that kill her, since turning into that was part of the spell that brought her back to life? _Roxas pointed out.

"…Oh. Good point."

"Then we'll get Merlin to do it!" Tifa challenged.

Satan glanced at Merlin, who shrugged weakly. "I'm…afraid I might not be able to, not without Miss Aerith's permission anyway, and not without killing her again. Though I can try and look up a possible way around that…"

"Yeah, you do that," Satan snorted. "And in the meantime, I'll be banging this ho here like there's no tomorrow! Oh yeah!"

"Oh, Master, you say the sweetest things…" Aerith cooed, making everyone else feel sick.

"Then…ah…we'll sic our lawyers on you!" Yuffie threatened.

"Ih! Lawyers!" Stitch agreed.

Satan paused at that. "What, you mean like that weenie Wright and that bitch Von Karma? Ha, they're nowhere near good enough to argue a case like this!"

"Maybe not," Leon admitted. "But they gave us a referral to some lawyers who might be."

"Yeah, do the names Alanna Wolff and Jeff Byrd, Counselors of the Macabre, mean anything to you?" Asked Cid.

There was an uncomfortable pause. "Wolff and Byrd, huh?" Satan said slowly. He frowned. "Hmm. We'll…talk about this later."

Aerith glanced at her master, looking shocked. "But master-"

"Shut it woman, I said we'd talk later! Hell's got good lawyers, but Wolff and Byrd aren't half-bad either! They've managed to actually beat me in court on more than one occasion!" Satan snapped. "And while you ain't a half-bad prize, I'd rather give you up than have Hell suffer another humiliating defeat in a court of law!" Aerith recoiled, somewhat hurt by this.

"Okay, can we get going now?!" Pete yelled in frustration. "While we're sitting here jawing away, Oberon's blowing up more of Maleficent's city! She's gonna be real pissed that we kept her waiting so long and Dark City was totally destroyed in the process!"

Sora nodded. "Pete's right, it's time we get moving."

"No problem," Montblanc said. "I just got off the phone with the mothership, kupo, our special anti-monster force is ready to move out."

"And with the help of these burly gentlemen, I should have Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX ready shortly!" boasted Mechanicles.

"Exactly what does he need our help for?" Razoul whispered to Aladdin.

"I have no idea," Aladdin whispered back.

"I think I've just about figured out where Gizmoduck's growth ray is," said Scrooge, glancing at his bodyguard's instruction manual.

"And all we need to do is call our great beast, and it shall arrive at close to the speed of light," Alphamon promised the others.

"And a press of a button will call mine down as well," Said Zurg.

"Ours might take a little longer…we gotta put a call in to Radiant Garden…but they should get here pretty quickly too!" Cid said. "They #$& well better, with the engines I put in those damn things!"

"Then what're we waiting for?" Pete growled. "Get moving already! Go out and take down those giant monsters while there's still a city to save!"

"Remind me why we're saving a city populated completely by Heartless and Nobodies?" Yuffie asked as the Rangers, along with Aerith, started heading for the exit.

"Because it's the right thing to do?" Tifa suggested.

"And because it means we get to use our new giant robots in combat for the first time! Hoo-whee, this should be fun!" Cid cackled.

"Ih! Ih!" Stitch agreed.

"I look forward to this greatly," Aerith said sinisterly.

The Royal Knights, Scrooge's group, Mechanicles and the delegation from Agrabah soon followed suit and left as well. "I will remain here to coordinate efforts to repair this castle," Arthur told those who had not left just yet. "I am sorry I cannot join you in battle, but I don't think there's much I can really do against giants. Ah, Merlin, one question…"

"Yes, my liege?" Merlin asked.

"Why couldn't we just get Oberon's wife Titania over here and see if she could do something to stop her husband? Wouldn't that save us a lot of time and energy?" Arthur asked reasonably.

Merlin frowned. "There are a few reasons, actually. One is that Oberon is not the kind of man who would be particularly willing to give up a certain course of action just because his wife told him too. Another is that even if she did calm him down, the orders for termination still stand due to the threat he represents and the laws he's broken. And finally…" He stroked his beard. "For some reason, I have been unable to contact her. I'm not sure why." Nobody noticed the evil grin which briefly appeared on Satan's face, then vanished.

…

Most of the time, Abu was a cute and relatively harmless monkey with a penchant for stealing shiny things. However, thanks to Oberon's magic, Abu had been transformed into an enormous 50-meter tall giant gorilla with a too-small vest and a tiny fez somehow remaining perched on his enormous head. After causing much wanton chaos and mayhem throughout the city, the towering ape had climbed to the top of a great skyscraper, carrying a helpless Fortuneteller Heartless in one hand for some reason. Hundreds of Heartless and Nobodies were gathered at the base of the tower, either gawking stupidly at the spectacle or trying to murder each other for no apparent reason. Others tried to climb up after the gorilla (not to save the Fortuneteller, but rather to devour the giant's enormous heart), only to be crushed and knocked off by the great ape's fists and feet.

Upon reaching the top of the skyscraper, Abu grabbed the towering decorative needlepoint at the building's apex with one hand to keep his balance atop the small rooftop and bellowed his defiance to the city spread out below him. Searchlights on lower tiers of the skyscraper swiveled up to focus on him, causing the gorilla to shriek and squint his eyes against the glare. His Heartless captive tried biting his fingers off, to little avail.

Flying vessels and aerial Heartless buzzed around the simian beast, firing bullets, lasers, and energy shots in an attempt to knock him off the top of the building. The projectiles had little effect on Abu, however, due to his thick fur and even thicker hide, and were felt as little more than insect stings by the 28,000-ton gorilla. Grunting in annoyance, Abu wildly swung his free fist out, swatting one of the attacking ships out of the air and causing it to tumble in flames down towards the streets below. Abu bellowed in triumph and proceeded to swat and smash any other annoyance which dared to strike at him. Nothing could topple Abu Kong!

Or so he thought. Down below, pedestrians' heads turned as they saw a giant robot of similar size to Abu Kong stomping towards them. It was a rather bizarre contraption, looking like a giant metal skinny big Greek with pointy tufts of hair, a red metal robe and white sash, and big metal sandals. It also had a giant lens that almost looked like a monocle in place of a left eye. Behind that eye, inside the robot's skull, was a skinny Greek man who was the spitting image of the robot, only smaller and not made of metal. (Or perhaps it was more accurate to say, the robot was the spitting image of him.) He was perfectly at home at the controls of the giant mecha, stomping his feet up and down on a series of pumps to make the robot's feet move in time with his own, pulling levers and handles to route steam power throughout the machine, pushing buttons, and yelling orders into a rudimentary intercom to the ramshackle crew he had rounded up to operate some of his masterpiece's vital functions. "Engine room, more power! We will need far more than this to tackle that giant flea-bitten simian abomination! We're moving much too slowly, at this rate there'll be a tremendous mess by the time we get there, and this city is already cluttered enough as is!"

"We're working as hard as we can!" Aladdin yelled back into his end of the intercom device in the engine room.

"Well, work harder!" Mechanicles hollered in reply.

The 'engine room' was basically a big hollow chamber in the robot's chest holding a large water boiler used to generate steam power for the mecha, Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX. The water in the boiler was heated by burning coals, which had to be constantly stoked by the panting and sweating members of the Sultan's guard currently toiling away, shoveling coal from piles around the room into the roaring furnace and jumping up and down on a set of giant bellows to keep the flames within high enough to make steam. "Street Rat," growled Razoul as he tossed a shovelful of coals into the open furnace, causing a blast of heat to wash over him, "Remind me why _we're_ doing this instead of that crazy Greek's mechanical insects?!"

Aladdin, as well as some of the more fit guards, were currently peddling frantically on large bicycle machines used to generate electricity for the batteries powering other parts of the robot. Not _all_ of it could function through steam alone, apparently. "He said that most of his robots got badly damaged in the fight with the Unseelie, so he needed us to replace his crew while his mechanical fleas replaced the regular workers!"

"How convenient," Razoul growled angrily, throwing more coal into the boiler's furnace. "What I don't understand is why a genius clearly capable of constructing such capable machines with such intricate moving parts and innards couldn't think of a way to completely mechanize this thing rather than rely on some crew to operate it for him!"

"Yeah, well, let's just say Mechanicles is a few grains short of a full desert and leave it at that," Aladdin said, sweat rolling down his brow and chest from all the peddling he had to do to continue generating power.

"I heard that!" Mechanicles bellowed through the intercom from the control room. "And tell your loud-mouthed muscle-bound little-brained cohort that I tried totally mechanizing previous incarnations of Mechanicles Jr. with, shall we say, disastrous results."

"Mechanicles said-" Aladdin started to call to Razoul.

"I heard him!" the guard yelled back. "I'm not the only one who's loud-mouthed around here!"

"At least I have an IQ greater than 50 and an education in the finest universities in our world!" retorted Mechanicles.

"And at least _I_ can bench-press half, no, a _quarter_ of my own weight without breaking my arms!" Razoul snarled.

"Oh yeah?!" Mechanicles said angrily, embarrassed to admit that he had trouble pressing an _eighth_ of his own weight, not that he'd tell Razoul that. "Well, at least I have impeccable personal hygiene!"

"At least I'm not afraid of invisible creatures supposedly living on my skin!" Razoul shot back.

"They're real, I tell you! The germs are out there, they exist, and they seek our destruction!" Mechanicles screamed insanely, spit flecking from his lips. "But we can stop them…oh yes, we can stop them! If the world became a tidier place they would have nowhere to hide, oh yes, all we have to do is adopt a proper cleaning regimen and we can WIPE THOSE MICROSCOPIC KILLERS OUT OF EXISTENCE!" He then began launching into a rather frantic tirade about the necessity of his crusade against germs, much to the disgruntlement of the Sultan's guards working around the room.

"Nice going, Razoul," an annoyed Sadim said. "Now, not only do we have to work in this sweltering heat, but we have to do it with him lecturing us at the top of his lungs, too!" There were several loud grumblings of agreement from all around the room.

"Well--I--hey, it's not _my _fault he's a lunatic!" Razoul protested. "And he started it, anyway!"

"No, _you_ did!" they all yelled at him angrily.

"That's right, he did!" Mechanicles agreed. "Now, work faster! We are nearing the base of the building where that giant gorilla has taken refuge! We will need all the power Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX possesses to defeat it!"

"That giant is a he, not an it, named Abu!" Aladdin corrected Mechanicles. "And he's a monkey, not a gorilla! There's a difference!"

"Huh. You sure?" Up in the control room, Mechanicles extended his monocle, causing the giant robot to extend its left eye as well and focus on Abu, showing Mechanicles a magnified image of Aladdin's transformed sidekick/pet. "Looks like a gorilla from down here. It lacks a tail and has a prognathous facial structure."

"…I have no idea what any of that means," said a confused Aladdin.

"Of course you don't," Razoul sneered, shoveling more coal into the furnace. "Because you're an uneducated street rat!"

"You don't know what it means, either," Hassan pointed out.

"Shut up, Hassan!"

"Anyway, I'm pretty sure Abu has a tail. Are you sure you're looking carefully?" Aladdin continued.

Mechanicles. "Of course I am, fool, the lens I utilized in Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX's telescopic magnifier eye is without flaw! No doubt this is due to that accursed Oberon's magic. Oh, how I hate magic, always making a mess of things, like my machines and the laws of physics! Perhaps I should try to find a way to clean the taint of magic from the universe along with germs…but that will have to wait for another day!" Mechanicles pulled several levers and handles, causing steam to hiss from numerous vents all over the giant robot. "Full halt!" With a large groan, Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX came to a stop at the base of the skyscraper, its head tilting upwards to keep its extended left eye focused on Abu Kong, who was still swatting away at the pesky flyers and ships attacking him. "All right…let's give that mongrel a taste of my dear brainchild's patented rocket fists!" He eagerly pulled more levers, causing the giant robot's arms to pivot upward and clench its fists, pointing them in the general direction of the big ape. "Ready…Aim…Fire!"

Rivets popped out and engines flared as the robot's two fists launched off its wrists, propelled upward by the rocket boosters in their bases and still attached to Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX's arms by very long cables spooling out more and more length as the fists shot higher and higher into the air. Abu Kong, thoroughly enjoying smashing the puny insects that tried to attack him, looked down in confusion as the two fists shot up towards him. The fists separated, the left swerving around and away while the right stuck out its index and middle fingers and continued flying straight for the giant ape. Snarling, Abu gripped onto the needle with one of his prehensile feet to free up his other hand while still remaining balanced atop the skyscraper. Curling that free hand into a mighty fist, he thrust his arm out in a punch intended to smash the mechanical hand to smithereens.

However, it was not to be. While rock usually beat scissors in most circumstances, the average rock didn't have to compete with fully maneuverable scissors with rocket engines in their rears. And so it was that the 'scissors' hand swerved around Abu Kong's punch, flew right up into his face…

And poked him in the eyes.

The giant ape shrieked in pain and reflexively let go of the needle while clapping both hands to his wounded eyes, causing him to teeter rather precariously on the edge of the roof. This was just the advantage that the left hand had been looking for. While its brother quickly flew out of the way, the left hand rocketed towards Abu Kong from behind, palm out, and shoved him in the back, pushing him off the top of the building. The two robot hands paused, waiting, as the giant gorilla, howling in frustration, rage, and terror, tumbled down, down towards the street far below.

A moment passed. And another moment. And yet another. And then…

With a tremendous crash, Abu Kong hit the street, cracking the pavement, crushing the idiotic bystanders who had just stared up at him stupidly as he plummeted instead of getting out of the way, and shaking the city block, smashing many of the windows in the vicinity. Abu Kong lay on the shattered street on his back, limbs splayed, moaning in pain. The Fortuneteller it he held hostage wiggled her way out of the gorilla's grasp, crawled up onto his chest, and started clawing at it in an attempt to reach his heart. Reflexively Abu Kong's hand swung up to smash her as he would a bloodsucking mosquito, and the poor Heartless vanished in a cloud of fading wisps of darkness, its sparkling pink heart rising to the heavens…where it was promptly set upon by a bunch of Gargoyle Heartless and swiftly rejoined the ranks of the forces of evil. The two robotic hands high-fived each other, then started moving towards the ground as the pulleys in Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX's arms activated, reeling in the cables the hands had left in their wake so they could be reattached to the mecha's body and be used again. (It had taken three previous versions of the robot before Mechanicles realized he needed a way to retrieve his creation's fists once they had been shot off, otherwise poor Jr. would be a cripple for life.)

"Ha-HA! Success!" Mechanicles crowed. "For once, genius has slain the savage beast, instead of beauty!"

"WHAT?! SLAIN?!" Aladdin cried in horror from the boiler room. "Mechanicles, you were just supposed to knock him out, not kill him!"

Mechanicles sighed in annoyance. "…I was appropriating a classic epithet, you uneducated cretin."

"Huh?" everyone in the boiler room uttered in confusion, pausing in their labors to scratch their heads.

Mechanicles smacked his forehead. "Oh, why do I even bother…the point is, he ISN'T dead, I calculated that the long fall, thanks to the cushion of brain-dead Heartless and Nobodies in the street, would not be fatal for a monster of Abu's size and bone structure. In fact, it should have been just strong enough to knock him out and cause him to revert back to normal." With a savage growl of fury, Abu Kong started pulling himself off the ground. "Hmm, or not. Must have carried a decimal somewhere…" Mechanicles started fiddling with an abacus to see where he had gone wrong in his figures, for the moment ignoring the giant, VERY angry gorilla getting up before him.

Abu Kong, now fully recovered, beat his chest with both fists and bellowed with rage so strong it shattered more windows, caused the nearby buildings to shake, and made Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX rattle. "Mechanicles, what's going on out there?!" Aladdin shouted into the intercom.

"Hmm?" Mechanicles looked up from his computations and saw the angry gorilla bounding towards him on all fours. "Oh dear. This could get messy. Good thing both fists have reattached themselves! Boiler room, more power!" A collective groan could be heard from below as Mechanicles frantically pulled levers, pressed buttons, twisted knobs, and started stomping his feet in place repeatedly to get his robot in motion. Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX began running towards the charging Abu Kong, quickly accelerating due to the steam power fueling its servomotors. "All right, you hairy unevolved simian beast…let's see how your primitive brute strength fares against the power of science! Have at you!" The giant robot drew back its fist then launched a haymaker at Abu Kong's slavering face. The raging gorilla threw a punch of his own, the two fists, one of flesh and sinew and the other of metal, colliding with a shockwave that tore up pavement all around them in every direction and shattered all the remaining windows in the surrounding buildings, causing glass to rain down on the machine and the monkey (well, ape) as the two combatants started to grapple. The first battle had joined.

…

Xerxes the flying eel had never been a particularly handsome piece of enchanted sea life, and being transformed by Oberon's magic into becoming a giant 150 meter long airborne monster hadn't improved his looks much. He twisted above the streets of Dark City, his long undulating coils brushing against the sides of buildings and causing their faces to crumble and shatter, his lashing tail toppling the weakened skyscrapers and causing them to come tumbling towards the ground. He wound his way up the side of a particularly tall building, wrapping his lengthy body around it in a serpentine fashion, and constricted with relish once his head had cleared the top, causing the structure's walls to cave inward and crush everything and everyone inside. Hissing gleefully, Xerxes flew away, leaving the skyscraper to collapse on itself in a great cloud of dust and shattered debris. The flying Heartless and battleships which harassed Xerxes did little more than annoy the giant eel as he swam through the air. They were easily dispatched with a flick of his long tail, crushed by his constricting coils, or incinerated by his flaming breath. None could best his power!

Scrooge McDuck hoped to prove him wrong. He, Gizmoduck, Glomgold, and his bodyguards, as well as the tagalong Darkwing Duck, Negaduck, Gosalyn, and Launchpad, observed Xerxes' rampage from the top of a relatively secure (secure in that it wasn't on fire or being attacked by anything) building some distance away from the giant eel's flight path. The bodyguards had fanned out, guns at the ready, and were constantly keeping their eyes peeled in case one of the city's monstrous inhabitants decided to make a meal out of them. "All right, lad, are ye ready for this?" Scrooge asked his half-machine employee.

"Um…I g-guess so, Mr. McDuck," Gizmoduck said nervously. "Um…are you s-sure about this?"

"Relax, lad," Scrooge said, taking one of Gizmoduck's arms and pressing a sequence of buttons on a control panel there. "Gyro wouldna have installed a growth ray in your suit if he dinnae want it to be used, aye?"

"Gyro _also_ installed a self-destruct mechanism, a xylophone, a tampon dispenser, a porta-pottie, a time machine, a cigarette lighter, a four-leaved clover, a carburetor, and a pregnancy monitor in my suit," Gizmoduck grumbled. "I think he just crammed everything he thought might be neat into this thing rather than exercising judgment."

"Who wants to bet he's going to explode?" Glomgold asked cheerfully.

"What money are you betting with? Aren't you giving it all to McDuck?" Negaduck prodded the greedy tycoon.

"That's half! HALF!" Glomgold shouted angrily, hopping up and down and red in the face with fury at how he had been (in his mind) cheated out of a huge amount of his fortune.

"DW, why did we come out here with these guys?" Launchpad whispered to Darkwing.

"Yeah Dad, not that I'm complaining about getting front-row seats to a giant monster battle or anything, but what exactly do you think we can do out here?" Gosalyn asked her father.

"I'm hoping that if we stick around long enough to 'protect' Glomgold here, I can convince Munnybags—I mean Mr. McDuck over there to pay us something for our services. Heaven knows we could use the munny!" Darkwing murmured to the two of them. "Gosalyn's future college education isn't going to pay for itself, after all, especially with the rate at which tuition keeps rising! And I could probably get myself a few new crime-fighting toys while I'm at it."

"Hey, yeah…and I could probably use that money to build a few more planes," Launchpad said wistfully.

"Don't you mean crash?" Negaduck sneered.

"And Mom certainly wouldn't complain if we brought in a little extra cash, she's had her eye on that set of ancient grimoires at the used book store for a while now," Gosalyn added.

Darkwing rolled his eyes. "Your mother and her magic…"

"Hey, it's not exactly cheap to be a sorceress in this day and age," Gosalyn pointed out. "Magical ingredients and knowledge cost big munny if you're not willing to shell out your soul or a virgin sacrifice for some of them…so we should bring home as much munny as we can, before she's tempted to use me as payment for something…"

"Tell me about it," Flintheart moaned. "That's why I've stopped associating with that two-bit hag Magica DeSpell…whenever we were working together to undermine McDuck's finances, I had to spend a small fortune to keep her supplied with all the mystical items she claimed to require for her dark spellcasting!"

Negaduck laughed. "Well, that's the price of associating with such high-maintenance women…something which, thankfully, I've never been dumb enough to get saddled with! Ah, you really should have stayed a bachelor, Darkwing."

"Oh shut up," Darkwing growled. "At least I have a family and a lovely (when she hasn't accidentally changed herself into some bizarre creature due to her dabbling in forbidden sorcery) wife, when's the last time you've had a date, let alone _scored_ with anyone?" Negaduck grimaced and looked away, too embarrassed to admit that he hadn't done either in a rather long time. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Aha, here we go!" Scrooge said triumphantly as a panel on Gizmoduck's shoulder flipped open and a ray gun on a robot arm extended from it. "The growth ray! Now to activate it and change you into a giant, Gizmoduck!" The wealthy duck started inputting another sequence into Gizmoduck's controls.

"Er, Mr. McDuck, should the growth ray be shaking and throwing off sparks like that?" asked an anxious Gizmoduck.

"Eh?" Scrooge looked up and saw the ray was indeed trembling, and starting to pivot wildly on its robot arm. Energy began gathering at its tip. "Oh dear. That can't be good."

"DUCK AND COVER!" Gizmoduck shouted as the growth ray began randomly firing blasts in every direction. Everyone immediately dropped to the pavement in fright as the energy bursts shot over their heads or struck the rooftop around them. "Mr. McDuck, how do I stop this crazy thing?!"

"Press the following buttons on your wrist console!" Scrooge yelled over the sound of the ray gun firing. "Green triangle, blue circle, yellow square, red triangle! Then type 'My mother wears army boots' on the screen which pops up right after that!"

"I should really talk to Gyro about the coding he wrote for this thing…" Gizmoduck grumbled, quickly starting to press those buttons. The ray gun continued firing as he did so, shooting blasts everywhere except for at him, and so one of the final shots it squeezed off before Gizmoduck was able to deactivate it shot right at Gosalyn.

"GOSALYN!" the horrified Darkwing screamed, pushing his daughter out of the way just in time to get hit by the ray right in the chest. The impact from the blast knocked him off his feet, sending him flying through the air…and right off the edge of the roof.

"Oh crap," whispered Gizmoduck just as the defective ray gun exploded.

"DAD!" Gosalyn screamed.

"DW!" Launchpad howled.

"DARKWING!" cried a horrified Scrooge.

"GUY I WAS GOING TO KILL ON MY OWN TIME BUT NOW WILL NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO!" wailed a distraught Negaduck.

"WE DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS SHIT!" the bodyguards chorused.

"WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING?" yelled Glomgold.

Quickly, everyone rushed to the side of the building, peering over the edge to see if Darkwing had splattered on the pavement or if he might have somehow been able to catch himself at the last moment on some protruding surface and so was still alive.

Darkwing was indeed alive; however, he was not hanging for dear life from the side of the skyscraper. In fact, he was rising. Or rather, _growing,_ getting taller and taller by the second, his feet having enlarged to the point where they hit the ground before the rest of him did and so arrested his fall. Their stares of disbelief and wonder at this spectacle changed angles from looking down to up…and up…and up…as Darkwing continued to grow until finally he was taller than the building they were on, the roof almost level with his armpits. A dazed Darkwing blinked, looked around, and then looked down at the awed ducks standing on the roof below him. "Aw crap, I'm a giant. Again."

"Dad, you're all right!" cried a relived Gosalyn. "This is so cool! My dad's a giant monster! Do you think we can keep him like this?"

"Uh, I don't think so," said a dumbfounded Launchpad. "Where would we put him? And I doubt we could possibly afford to feed something that big…not to mention that the missus wouldn't be pleased!"

"Hey, no fair!" yelled an angry Negaduck. "Make me big, too!"

"Can't," said Gizmoduck, examining the sparking remains of the growth ray. "The thing's busted. Methinks Gyro should have spent more time on it before installation..."

Darkwing crouched down a little so his eyes were on the level with the rooftop. "Hey, uh, Gizmoduck, you wouldn't happen to have a shrink ray in there that can fix me up, can you?"

"Um…" Gizmoduck glanced at Scrooge. "Mr. McDuck?"

"I'm looking, I'm looking!" snapped Scrooge, flipping through the instruction manual.

A horrendous screech rang through the air, and they turned to see that Xerxes had spotted them and was swimming over. "Too late, he's coming! Quick, fight him, you big oaf!" Glomgold yelled at Darkwing. "Before it kills us all!"

"What? Me?!" cried the startled vigilante.

"Well, lad, ye are the only thing big enough at the moment," Scrooge said, shutting Gizmoduck's manual. "Ye're not Gizmoduck, but ye're all we've got, so it'll have to do!"

"But-but-but-" Darkwing protested.

"Go get him, dad! You can tear that eel apart!" Gosalyn cheered.

"Yeah DW, you can do it! Go get him!" Launchpad joined in.

"Do try not to get killed; I want to be the one to do it, not some overgrown worm!" Negaduck yelled at his nemesis.

"But, I, I don't…" Darkwing sighed and gave in. "Fine, guess I don't have a choice. Well, at least I've still got my gun."

"You mean this?" asked one of the bodyguards, lifting Darkwing's big-nozzled gas gun, which the caped hero had dropped as he was falling off the roof.

"…Crap," Darkwing said flatly. "Well, then, I'll just have to take this thing down with my bare hands!" He put up his fists and started jabbing at the air as Xerxes approached. "Yeah, come and get me, you overgrown sea slug! If I can handle magic, an evil international crime syndicate with a stupid name, aliens, supervillains, and the Parent-Teacher Association, I can certainly defeat you!"

"How much do you want to bet he's going to die?" Glomgold asked conversationally as Darkwing and Xerxes began to fight.

"That depends, how much are you good for?" Negaduck asked. "You know, what with giving away all your money to Scrooge and all?"

"Not all of it, _half,_ HALF!" Glomgold screamed, jumping up and down and red in the face.

"Oh, shut up!" Gosalyn snapped, pointing a notched arrow at both villains. "My dad's gonna beat that thing, even if it is big, and mean, and breathes fire…" She swallowed and glanced anxiously at her currently-giant father, now locked in heated battle with the monstrous Xerxes. "Dad…please don't die…"

…

Mushu was, by all accounts, a very tiny dragon. Some could say that something so small could barely be classified as a dragon at all.

Nobody could say that now. Oberon's spell had transformed Mushu into a 100 meter tall towering red reptilian menace. His incredibly scrawny frame had been beefed up significantly with bulging muscles, lethal claws, and a thick scaly hide that so far seemed to be resisting everything the Heartless or Nobodies were throwing at him. Great spiky plates were growing out of his back, clattering against each other and crackling with electricity every time he unleashed his breath attack, a ray of devastating atomic fire which was obliterating tremendous swaths of Dark City and leaving nothing but irradiated, burning ruins.

He still had whiskers, though.

"Why the heck does he have whiskers?" complained Duftmon, standing on a rooftop observing Mushu's rampage from a distance.

"He's a Chinese _long_ dragon," Craniummon said knowledgeably. "It's the style for most dragons in the Orient to have whiskers. It's the same thing with many Japanese dragons, as well. We even have some whiskered dragons in the Digital World, such as Majiramon, Qilinmon, or Azulongmon."

"Still looks weird to me…" Duftmon grumbled.

Dynasmon snorted. "What looks weird to _me_ is that long mane of yours. Haven't you ever heard of a haircut? No, wait, you haven't…just like you've never heard of a shower…or deodorant…"

"Stop it, both of you," Alphamon intervened before his two subordinate knights could fight each other again. "We don't have time for this; we need to save this city of evil dark creatures from that giant monster over there!"

"Um, why do we have to do that, if they're evil?" asked a confused Magnamon.

Alphamon sighed. "Because it's in the Royal Knights charter that we assist those who are in need of aid…even if they're the bad guys. Now, we must summon the assistance we need to stop this monster!"

"What aid? I thought we were down 3 Royal Knights…lost them in the wars against the Heartless," said a confused UlforceVeedramon.

"We did," agreed Omnimon. "But the Royal Knights have more at their disposal than just the members of the organization…"

"Like our Knightmon foot soldiers," said Crusadermon.

Gallantmon nodded. "That's right; there's also my crimson steed named Grani, who I can ride into battle! And now that we're outside, I can summon him, meaning I won't have to ride Sleipmon anymore."

"THANK THE PROGRAMMER!" the centaur knight screamed.

"And we have another war-beast that we can summon…" said Alphamon, cape blowing behind him dramatically. "One made in the image of our legendary founder…the mighty Imperialdramon!" He extended a hand. "UlforceVeedramon, the Dragon Flute!"

"…The what now?" asked the confused UlforceVeedramon.

"…The Dragon Flute. You know, the mystical artifact I entrusted to you? The one that can summon Imperialdramon to our side, so he may fight alongside us or transport us wherever we need to go?" Alphamon said after a moment.  
"Oh, that. I gave it to Dynasmon," said UlforceVeedramon.

"Oh, right. And I gave it to…Craniummon," Dynasmon said.

"And I gave it to Crusadermon," admitted Craniummon.

"And I gave it to Sleipmon," said Crusadermon.

"And I gave it to Gallantmon," said Sleipmon.

"And I gave it to Duftmon," said Gallantmon.

"And I gave it to Omnimon," said Duftmon.

"And I gave it to Magnamon," said Omnimon.

"And I…um…left it in my armor…which Jack Sparrow still has…" Magnamon said slowly, his face going white with horror. He nearly dropped his barrel. Everyone groaned, and Alphamon put his face in his hands.

"Very well," the great and exalted leader of the Royal Knights said after a moment, struggling very hard not to burst into tears. "All is not lost. We still have one _other_ way to summon Imperialdramon…" He looked meaningfully at Dynasmon, who blinked in confusion, before his eyes widened in realization and joy. The other Knights glanced at each other, a deep feeling of dread growing in the pit of their stomachs.

Shortly after…

"LAAAA LAAALAAA LAAALAAALAAA! LAAA LAAALAAA LAAALAAALAAA!" Dynasmon 'sang' into a megaphone, his voice so loud and so terrible it was causing every piece of glass within five blocks to shatter. The Heartless or Nobody 'bystanders' either rolled on the streets in agony from the sonic bombardment, or simply killed themselves to end the pain. Even Mushuzilla had halted his rampage to clutch his ears in pain, so loud and dreadful was Dynasmon's singing. "LAAA LAAALAAA LAAALAAALAAA! LAAA LAAALAAA LAAALAAALAAA!"

His fellow Knights were not spared this horror, either. "WHY DID YOU LET HIM DO THIS?!" Omnimon shouted over the horrendous mockery of music, clutching his ears with his not-quite hands. "YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLE HIS SINGING IS!"

"HIS VOICE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN CARRY LOUD ENOUGH AND FAR ENOUGH FOR IMPERIALDRAMON TO HEAR WITHOUT THE DRAGON FLUTE," Alphamon explained. "SO HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD DO THIS!"

"YOU DON'T THINK IMPERIALDRAMON WILL RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION WHEN HE HEARS THAT AWFUL ATONAL SINGING?!" Duftmon yelled.

"HE MAY WANT TO," Alphamon admitted. "BUT HE CANNOT RESIST THE LURE OF THE DRAGON FLUTE'S MELODY, NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLY BUTCHERED IT MIGHT BE BY THE PERSON SINGING OR PLAYING IT!"

Dynasmon's singing was thankfully interrupted by a tremendous roar which shook the building they were standing on. Startled, Dynasmon lowered his megaphone. "Uh oh," he said, voice a little hoarse from all his loud singing. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Other than making us half-deaf and giving us all tremendous migraines, no!" Gallantmon said, pointing up at a tiny speck in the black sky torn by explosions and laser fire far above. "Look! Here he comes! Oh, and…" He grabbed the megaphone from Dynasmon's hands and tossed it to Sleipmon. "Here, destroy its evil forever!"

Sleipmon nodded and placed the megaphone on the ground. "Right!" He raised one of his hooves.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dynasmon howled dramatically, making a slow-motion dive to try and save his megaphone…

But while he was moving in slow motion, Sleipmon's hoof came down at regular speed and stomped onto the megaphone, smashing it to pieces. Dynasmon resumed moving at normal speed and hit the ground face-first. "Ow." Duftmon snickered

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon, who had been driven totally deaf (for the time being) by Dynasmon's singing.

"I think that's just another ship falling from orbit," said a doubting Crusadermon.

"No, he's right, it's Imperialdramon!" Omnimon corrected her joyfully. "And he's coming right for us!"

"Yes, I would recognize that wingspan anywhere," agreed Craniummon. "It's Imperialdramon, all right!"

"I hope he's not going to kill us for summoning him with such an awful wake-up call," Duftmon grumbled. "Or if he's going to kill anyone, it should be Dynasmon, for having such an ungodly singing voice."

"If he's going to kill anyone, it should be you, due to your ungodly stench," Dynasmon retorted, still sore from the loss of his precious megaphone.

"I can't possibly smell worse than your singing reeks!" Duftmon snarled back.

"Why you-!" Dynasmon roared, lunging at Duftmon.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

The two bloodthirsty Knights were quickly restrained by Sleipmon and Omnimon before they could murder each other. Alphamon briefly contemplated suicide to get away from these two, then decided it wouldn't be worth it, since he'd just be reincarnated as Dorumon and forced to Digivolve to Alphamon all over again.

In the meantime, Imperialdramon, who had clearly decided not to kill anyone, swiftly approached, covering a distance of many miles in mere seconds and reaching the building the Knights were on in short order, its shadow eclipsing the rooftop. Imperialdramon was a tremendous dragon Digimon the size of a cruise ship. It had blue skin and a white underbelly, but most of its body was covered in thick black armor. Its shorter hind legs were ensconced in black armor 'boots' with a gold rim and diamond-shaped knee plates, as well as long gold talons. Its longer front legs were covered in huge elongated black metal gloves with gold trim, three very long gold talons per limb, and three gold blades sprouting from the top of each forelimb, two small and the third enormous and scythe-shaped. A large cannon with a gold-rimmed barrel and an elongated tapering rear was mounted on the armor covering Imperialdramon's back, a pair of long, thin red dragon wings sprouting from its sides. A transparent dome of unknown material was nestled on Imperialdramon's back between the rear of the cannon and the dragon's tail. Its short-snouted face was covered in a red and white metal mask with spikes growing out to the sides, a ridged blade growing up from the nose and going back over the forehead, and red eye lenses. A shock of gray hair grew out from the back of the dragon's head. Imperialdramon's mouth seemed to be frozen open in a perpetual snarl. The dragon stared down at the Knights which had summoned it, awaiting its orders.

"Wow," said an amazed Magnamon, trying to hold his barrel together, for it had been shaken apart by Imperialdramon's roar. "He's bigger than I remembered."

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"All right everyone, this is it!" Alphamon told his fellow Knights. "Let's board Imperialdramon, Mode Change, and take that monster down!"

"Count me out," Gallantmon said. "No offense, sir, but I'd rather ride my own steed into battle than fight inside that thing."

"As long as that steed isn't me, I have no problem with that," said Sleipmon.

Alphamon nodded. "Very well, Gallantmon, but is there any reason in particular you wish to go solo?"

Gallantmon glanced at the other Royal Knights: Dynasmon and Duftmon, who had gotten into another argument and were only being kept from ripping each other's throats out by Sleipmon and Omnimon; Crusadermon, who was trying to come up with a poem to describe Imperialdramon's majesty; UlforceVeedramon, who was still deaf and shouting "WHAT?" every few minutes; Craniummon, who…wasn't actually doing much of anything; and Magnamon, who was naked. And wearing a barrel. "Let's just say I think it'd be a lot less…ah…stressful."

Alphamon, also looking at the Knights, nodded. "Yes…I know what you mean. If only I could join you." He sighed. "Ahem. Royal Knights, ASSEMBLE!" The startled Knights quickly stood to attention, except for UlforceVeedramon, who yelled, "WHAT?"

"Imperialdramon, beam us up and prepare for battle!" Alphamon commanded.

The big dragon roared in affirmation and hovered back a bit, turning around so its back was facing the Knights. The dome on its back glowed, and a wide energy beam arced out of it, engulfing all of the knights except for Gallantmon, who had opted to stay behind, and Magnamon, who wasn't wearing his armor and so was not recognized by Imperialdramon. The beam then retracted back into the dome, pulling the eight Knights with it. With a growl, Imperialdramon spread its wings and started flying away. "H-hey! Wait for meeeeee!" Magnamon screamed desperately, abandoning the shambles of his barrel and running after the giant dragon. He made a daring leap of faith off the side of the building, just barely managing to grab onto the end of Imperialdramon's tail and hang on for dear life as the dragon rose higher and higher into the air. "Heeeeeeeelp!"

Gallantmon groaned. "Oy." He considered for a moment whether he should do something to help. "Eh, he can take care of himself. Now it's time for my ride!" He put two fingers to his…mouth grille…and whistled. "Grani! Come to me!" There was a twinkle of light off in the distance, and then a crimson blur appeared, rocketing towards Gallantmon at extraordinary speeds. The Royal Knight leaped off the side of the building as the blur approached, landing on top of it as it passed underneath him and carried him away towards Imperialdramon, magnetic clamps fastening his feet to the flying objects back so he wouldn't fall off.

Gallantmon's steed, dubbed Grani, was a large red dragon-shaped machine with lots of gold trim, two draconic metal wings extending to the sides, a blue saddle-like hump on its back (unnecessary, since Gallantmon didn't need to sit to ride his transport), a tail like that of a jet fighter, a pair of curved gold-tipped horns or tusks extending forward from underneath the wings, and a triangular bird-like head with deep blue eyes and fins growing from the sides and back of its cranium to look a little like an airplane. _Have you summoned me to do battle, Gallantmon?_

"I have indeed, Grani," Gallantmon told his steed. "We have need of you."

_Very well. I shall do my best not to disappoint yout, my friend. The enemies of the Royal Knights shall not stand long before our combined might!_

Alphamon glanced up through the transparent dome as Gallantmon and Grani soared overhead. "Excellent, he's called Grani…now it's time for us to shift into the next gear as well! Although I can't help but feel like we're missing something…"

"Hey! Guys! Let me in! I'm out here!" Magnamon yelled, banging on the exterior of the dome. "Let me in, before I fall off or something! It's cold out here, especially without anything to wear!" Unfortunately, the inside of the dome was soundproof, and none of the Knights were looking outside, so poor naked Magnamon went unnoticed. "C'mon, help a brother out!"

"It's probably unimportant," Craniummon said dismissively.

"Yes, you're probably right…" Alphamon agreed, though he had a nagging feeling that the opposite was the case.

"Oh, I know!" Crusadermon spoke up. "I didn't come up with a fitting poem to describe our glorious ride into battle atop the great Imperialdramon!"

The other Knights rolled their eyes. "Yes, I'm sure that's it…" muttered Duftmon sarcastically.

His sarcasm totally went over Crusadermon's head. "I'll try and think of one now. Let's see…what rhymes with, 'Imperialdramon?'" Everyone else groaned.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon, who was starting to wonder where his cousin was.

Alphamon shook his head and pushed his nagging doubts to the back of his mind. "Right, now back on topic…to defeat that monster, we will need as much power as we can get! So…Imperialdramon, Mode Change!"

"Guys? Hello? Guys? GUUUUYYYYSSSS!" Magnamon screamed as Imperialdramon abruptly went completely vertical, causing the poor naked warrior to slip and fall again, once more barely managing to grab onto the dragon's tail before he could plummet to his death. "AW MAN, WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK SO MUCH?!" he wailed.

"IMPERIALDRAMON MODE CHANGE TO…" the dragon bellowed. It underwent a transformation sequence not unlike the kind one might expect from an Autobot or Decepticon. (Or a Maximal or Predacon, if you want to get really technical.) His hind legs straightened out, their multiple joints fusing together to form a pair of single-kneed bipedal legs. The bladed parts of his armored forearms broke off and attached themselves to his shoulder armor, forming a pair of bladed pauldrons. This revealed that his front claws actually had a pair of smaller, dexterous five-fingered blue hands underneath them, making them the arms of a humanoid rather than a beast. His wings grew a little larger and attached themselves to his back proper, allowing the cannon to snap off, shrink a little, and reattach itself atop his right forearm, which was now more like a clawed gauntlet. His head folded into his chest, causing the armored mask to become chest armor, the bladed horn going onto the back and taking the cannon's old place. This process revealed a smaller, more humanoid head between the bladed shoulders. It was covered in blue armor, with white metal jaws, short-cropped gray hair, and a golden crest covering the forehead and nose area with a pair of small antlers extending to the sides above the new head's red eyes and a large spike going up in between them. Now looking less like a giant dragon and more like a tremendous human/dragon robot thing, Imperialdramon landed on the street facing Mushuzilla, causing the magically enhanced dragon to hiss at him. Unbothered, the giant Digimon struck a pose. "FIGHTER MODE!" Gallantmon and Grani flew above the giant's form in triumphant circles. Magnamon was still hanging onto the tail, and trying as hard as he could not to fall off the end.

Six of the eight Royal Knights who had boarded Imperialdramon were now seated in a multi-tiered control room situated in the giant Digimon's chest. Alphamon sat at the highest level, in the most comfortable chair, while Omnimon and Craniummon took the seats below and to either side of him, the lowest level beneath them occupied by Dynasmon, Crusadermon, and UlforceVeedramon. Alphamon frowned, noticing the two empty seats in the control room. One was on the same level as Omnimon and Craniummon and most often occupied by Gallantmon, while the latter was on the lowest level and usually belonged to Magnamon. Gallantmon's seat was empty because the Knight had opted to ride his steed Grani instead, so where was Magnamon? Come to think of it, the little guy hadn't really made much noise since they had boarded Imperialdramon…had he gone to the bathroom or something and failed to come back yet? Alphamon hoped he hadn't fallen in or gotten stuck due to his barrel. They really needed to get the poor guy's armor back from that pirate. "All right everyone, we're ready for action!"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

Omnimon looked around in confusion. "Where are Magnamon, Sleipmon, and Duftmon?"

"Magnamon…I have no idea," Alphamon admitted. "But as for the other two…well, remember how Imperialdramon's power core got badly damaged in our battles against the Heartless?"

"Yes, it's amazing the thing didn't go critical," Craniummon agreed.

"'Twoud have been a great tragedy, had it exploded," Crusadermon pointed out. "And taken dear Imperialdramon from us. Even moreso if we were inside him at the time."

"Well, since Imperialdramon's core was damaged, we had to order another one," Alphamon continued. "But it hasn't arrived yet, so we had to install an alternative power supply for Imperialdramon's stronger forms in the interim."

"And…what exactly does this have to do with Sleipmon and Duftmon?" asked Dynasmon.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Well…you see…they're sort of the power supply," Alphamon said sheepishly.

In a chamber deeper within Imperialdramon's interior…

"I don't remember this being part of the contract when I signed up to join the Royal Knights," ranted Duftmon, who had Mode Changed to his Leopard Mode, a lithe four-footed feline form with a much shorter mane, wings on his hips, and…a tail much like that of a poodle's. He didn't change into this form often, because Dynasmon often made fun of him for it. He was harnessed to a treadmill designed to generate power for Imperialdramon. "I thought I'd get to see action! Be a hero! Not have to run on a treadmill or get picked on because of my name…and I do NOT smell bad!!!"

"Tell me about it," grumbled Sleipmon, harnessed to the treadmill next to him. "I seem to be going down in the world…just a little ago while I was a Knight, then a steed, and now I'm a fucking workhorse. What's next, am I going to be sent to the glue factory?"

"That's enough out of both of you," Alphamon said over the intercom. "You know good and well that the only reason you're down here rather than some of our Knightmon or other subordinate Digimon is because their union forbids this kind of labor. As did the unions of every other work force we tried to hire. Which left us with no choice but to use our own brave Knights to power Imperialdramon."

"Then why aren't _you _down here? Or one of the others?" snarled Duftmon.

"You're the only ones with more than two legs," Alphamon pointed out.

Duftmon and Sleipmon were not happy to hear this. "That's discrimination!" Sleipmon yelled angrily.

"Yeah, especially since I only have four legs some of the time!" Duftmon added. "We should quit the Royal Knights for this! Or go on protest!"

"Or sue!" Sleipmon said. "For discrimination and taking advantage of us in the workplace!"

Alphamon sighed in exasperation. "Oh for the love of…sadly, I anticipated that you two might act this way, so took measures to ensure your cooperation."

"It'd have to take some pretty serious compensation to make us humiliate ourselves like this-" Sleipmon started, when a hatch opened on the ceiling and a carrot fell down, dangling on a rope a few feet away from the centaur knight's treadmill, just out of reach. "Ooh, a carrot." He immediately began running in place, arms extended towards the vegetable, his speed building up and moving him faster and faster as his six hooves galloped and turned the treadmill's belt, generating electric power as he tried—futilely—to get closer to the carrot right in front of him.

Duftmon rolled his eyes. "Oh please, you may have gotten him, but I'm no fool! I'm not gonna fall for something like that!"

"I know, which is why I have a different encouragement in mind for you," Alphamon said. He glanced over at Dynasmon in the seats below him. "Dynasmon, I beg your forgiveness, but I must ask you to make a sacrifice for the good of the Royal Knights."

"Huh? What are you talking abooouuuuuut!" Dynasmon cried as Alphamon pressed a button on his console, causing the floor to open up beneath the dragon knight and send him falling into a hidden trapdoor.

"Oh my! Beloved!" cried a horrified Crusadermon.

"I didn't know we had a trapdoor in here," said an alarmed Craniummon.

"Neither do I. You don't suppose…that wasn't the only one, was it?" asked Omnimon. They both anxiously glanced down at the floor under their own seats, as if fearing it might at any moment open up beneath them as well.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

Another hatch opened in the ceiling of the engine room and Dynasmon, screaming, plummeted into the room, his fall arrested before he could hit the ground by a rope that had somehow wrapped itself around his waist while he had been falling. "Ugh…what the hell?!"

"Hey, what are you doing here?!" Duftmon growled angrily.

"Um…good question…" said a dazed Dynasmon.

"Duftmon, I apologize for what I am about to do…Dynasmon, I want you to insult Duftmon on everything about him which annoys you, and I mean absolutely everything!" Alphamon commanded.

"What?!" an incredulous Duftmon bellowed.

"Why, I'd be glad to!" Dynasmon said enthusiastically. "This is the kind of sacrifice a guy could get used to doing! Hey, Duftmon, who styled your body? That tail belongs on a poodle, not a mighty leopard like yourself! A little species confusion, anyone?"

"Hey, shut up!" Duftmon snarled, straining at his harness. "At least I _have_ a tail!"

"Yes, an effeminate poodly one…one that has no place on a big savage leopard let alone a brave Royal Knight!" Dynasmon pointed out with an arrogant chuckle. "And speaking of species confusion, what's with the mane? Those things look better on lions, not leopards! And I thought leopards were supposed to have spots, too, but all I see is plain old black armor. More species confusion, anyone?"

"I'll make you eat your words!" Duftmon roared, struggling some more, clawing at the treadmill and causing its belt to start moving.

Dynasmon continued his tirade. "Are you sure your Mode is named correctly? Because it doesn't look like Duftmon Leopard Mode to me…no, all I see is Duftmon _Pussy_ Mode!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Duftmon, who had quit struggling against his harness per se and was now running on the treadmill out of feral rage in a futile attempt to get closer to Dynasmon so he could maul him, roared.

"I can't see a pussy doing that to me," Dynasmon mocked. "Still, they got _one_ part of your name right…"

Duftmon's eyes widened. He began running faster. "DON'T YOU DARE…DON'T EVEN GO THERE, DYNASMON!"

Dynasmon went there. "They certainly got the 'Duft' part right…you smell even worse as an ugly cat than you did as a knight!"

His roar of fury ringing throughout Imperialdramon, Duftmon threw himself forward, legs churning, spinning the treadmill belt so fast it generated sparks as he ran in place, eyes locked on Dynasmon. "YOUR LIFE IS FORFEIT!" the feline shouted. "I'LL CLAW OUT YOUR EYES AND DEVOUR YOUR INTESTINES! I'LL TEAR YOUR WINGS TO SHREDS AND BITE YOUR FACE OFF! NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES, I SWEAR I _WILL_ KILL YOU!"

Omnimon and Craniummon watched this exploitation of their fellow Knights in disbelief on their consoles back in the cockpit. Crusadermon was on her knees, sobbing and reciting mournful poetry on the topic of her beloved Dynasmon's imminent demise while a spotlight focused on her and rose petals drifted down from above. UlforceVeedramon was still shouting "WHAT?" because he was deaf and had no idea what was going on. Alphamon sighed and shook his head sadly. "I wish it hadn't come to this."

"…Sir, was that really necessary?" asked an appalled Omnimon.

"O Dynasmon, noble knight/brave and strong, loyal and true," wailed Crusadermon in verse as the rose petals fluttered around her. "You filled my heart with a glorious light/and shone with such a wondrous hue!"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"I'm afraid so," Alphamon said wearily. "Without a replacement power core or other workers to run down there, I had no choice but to make Sleipmon and Duftmon do it."

"But why them?" persisted Omnimon.

"Always fighting for what is right/my dearest companion and heart's love true/'Til he was taken from me in darkest night/right out of the blue!"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"I calculated that Sleipmon and Duftmon in his leopard form would be able to generate more power together running on their ten combined legs than any two of us could have with our measly four. So really, it was either them or no one at all," Craniummon explained.

"But why sacrifice Dynasmon to make Duftmon run?" Omnimon asked.

"Who else would?" Alphamon asked sardonically.

"Point," Omnimon admitted. "Still, I'm worried about his safety…Duftmon does hate him very-"

"The floor snapped open/and down he fell/into the leopard's den/the very pits of Hell!" Crusadermon moaned.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"All right, that's enough of your caterwauling, Crusadermon!" Alphamon snapped. "Dynasmon's in no danger, Duftmon's harness is made from triple-reinforced adamant Digizoid! It won't break anytime soon!"

"Oh, all right," Crusadermon said, getting up. The spotlight switched off, and the flower petals stopped coming down.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Now that that's over," Craniummon said. "May I point out that our power levels are near their maximum…and that we have a giant monster to defeat?"

"Oh, so we do," said a surprised Omnimon.

"Right, let's get to it!" Alphamon said, leaning back in his seat. "Everyone to their stations, it's time to defeat that lizard!"

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"And someone get me some Tylenol, I'm getting a headache from all that yelling," the mighty leader of the Royal Knights groaned. "And find Magnamon, he's been in the bathroom WAY too long…"

Imperialdramon flexed his muscles and started moving towards Mushuzilla, much to the great dragon's joy, he had been getting bored waiting for the giant robot/dragon/Digimon to do something. Gallantmon, relieved that Imperialdramon was finally getting in gear as well, flew overhead, very glad that he had decided not to join the others inside the dragon, if the great delay between Imperialdramon's transformation and his stirring to action was any indication of the madness going on in there. And Magnamon…

Was still dangling from Imperialdramon's tail, unnoticed by all. "CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE?!" he yelled.

And yes, he was still naked.

…

Normally, Prince John was a sniveling, pathetic, mewling, whining, whimpering, pants-wetting coward who had somehow managed to steal his brother's kingdom by tricking King Richard into going off to war and ruling the land in his absence.

Oberon's magic, however…turned him into something else entirely. Something that was actually _intimidating._ And very large, of course.

The transformed Prince John, now called King Leo, roared with pleasure as he lashed out with his sword, causing a lethal wave of energy to arc out and obliterate battleships, disintegrate Heartless, and level buildings. "RAAAAHHHH! I AM THE KING!" he bellowed. "NONE CAN BEST ME!"

King Leo was a towering bipedal lion with bulging muscles dressed in an enormous blue royal robe with white fur trim and extremely ornate inlaid gold panels sewn onto the sides depicting him performing feats of great strength and combat, feats that for once he actually looked _capable_ of pulling off! His chest, framed by the open robes, had been twisted and distorted by arcane spells so that it looked as if the head of a snarling lion was protruding outwards from his torso, with real teeth, eyes, and even a nose. On his legs he wore thick pantaloons that only went down to his knees, revealing his somewhat scrawnier shins, clad in thin stockings. On his surprisingly small and delicate-looking feet he wore a pair of small black buckle-on dress shoes with curled-up tips. His meaty fists had large jeweled gold and silver rings on each knuckle, and in his left hand he wielded a large blazing energy sword with a lion's head hilt, the blade protruding from the feline's gaping jaws. His face had become much fiercer, his snout shortening a bit to make him look more like Simba or even his own brother, though he had none of the nobility Simba possessed or…whatever it was Richard had. He had more fangs and a nasty grin, and a large ugly scar over where his right eye should have been. The left eye was a glowing pupil-less red and kind of eerie. Instead of a regular mane, this lion had one made of flames which crackled and burned around his face, doing no damage to his SKIN but only serving to make him look more sinister. Atop the mane of flames was a seven-pointed gold crown with a tiny lion's head perched atop each point. For no apparent reason, there was a large many-spoked golden sun disk slowly rotating on his back, with just enough room for his flame-tipped tail to swish underneath it.

"Well, that's certainly a big kitty," commented Yuffie. She and the other Power Rangers had gathered in the street several blocks up from King Leo and were watching as he continued his path of destruction towards them.

"It probably hacks up bigger hairballs than Red XIII," Cid grunted. #&$, I don't even wanna imagine what its kitty litter is like."

"Shall we take it out?" questioned Aerith.

"I don't think we can handle that on our own, even with our superpowers!" commented Tifa.

"Ih! Stitch could lift that thing!" Stitch boasted, although deep down he wasn't so sure. He had never tried picking up anything that big before.

"It is pretty big," Leon agreed. "I think even Sora might have trouble with something of that size…well then, it's a good thing we have something he doesn't!" He whipped out his cell phone and started dialing a number.

"Color-coded tight-ass suits?" Cid asked, tugging at his crotch.

"Super-cool ninja powers?" Yuffie asked enthusiastically.

"Genetically engineered alien DNA?" asked Stitch.

"The power of evil?" Aerith asked, summoning some bats.

"A bigger team?" suggested Tifa.

"…Well, yes, that too, but I was referring more to giant robots!" Leon finished dialing and held the phone up to his ear as it rang…and rang…and rang. "Come on, pick up already! Why isn't anyone there?!"

"Didn't we leave Tron, Red XIII and Cait Sith on top of things back at the Command Center?" Yuffie asked the others.

Cid nodded. "Yeah…and those &$#$ damn cats better not have shredded my blueprints or coughed up hairballs all over the place again!"

"Hmm…I wonder why nobody's answering," commented Tifa.

Back at the Command Center in Radiant Garden, AKA the basement of the big castle…

"No, no, no! Press the green button!" Tron yelled in growing frustration from the wall-length monitor overlooking the computer-filled control room of the Power Ranger Radiant Force's headquarters.

"Which green button?!" Red XIII (also known as Nanaki), a large red panther-like feline with a few beads, bangles, and feathers adorning him snarled back, struggling to press one of the many flashing buttons on the computer console, all of which looked rather identical to him. It didn't help that he was color-blind. Or that his paws were too big for him to press any single button without hitting half a dozen others at the same time. This resulted in a number of varied and amusing things to happen, such as wall panels flipping to reveal a hot tub, vibrating love bed, and toilet; the room to change colors repeatedly; robots to zoom out of secret hatches, smash into each other, and explode; shutting off all power to the town, restoring power to the town, switching the electric and water lines so homes began to flood, starting the self-destruct sequence, shutting off the self-destruct sequence, activating the sprinklers, displaying rather lewd and embarrassing photos of a number of people, revealing a large dartboard with Sora's face on it riddled with energy bullet holes, and causing a disco ball to descend from the ceiling and start spinning as "YMCA" played loudly from several speakers.

"That one! No, _that_ one! The one on your left! No, your _other_ left!" Tron yelled.

"Remind me why you can't just show me the incoming message yourself?" Red snarled.

"I could, but only if the communication channel is open on your end, which it's _not!_" Tron replied. "Which is why you need to press the button that will do that! Leon is getting rather insistent that he speak to someone, so you need to push the right button and open the proper channel before he gets _really_ testy!"

Red shook his head in frustration and slid his upper body down off the console, putting all four paws on the ground. "Ugh, this is hopeless, I can't do this without color vision or opposable thumbs. I'm going to get Cait Sith."

"Didn't he say he was not to be disturbed under any circumstance?" asked a doubtful Tron as Red trotted towards the exit.

"I don't really care," Red yelled back at the computer program before he left, shaking the water from the sprinklers off his fur in the hallway. He didn't really care if he made a mess; he wasn't the one who'd have to clean it up. (Lacking opposable thumbs had a few advantages.)

It wasn't very hard to find Cait Sith. All Red XIII had to do was follow the sounds of squeaking bed springs, moaning, and cries of ecstasy, along with the occasional shouted phrase of incomprehensible Scottish to one of the HQ's spare bedrooms. Ignoring a large DO NOT DISTURB sign hanging from the doorknob, Red nudged the door open and went inside. There he found the somewhat disturbing sight of Cait Sith, a small black and white cat that could talk and walk on two legs, having vigorous sex on the heaving bed with Carbuncle, a small and fuzzy adorable green critter with a long bushy tail and a big ruby set in her forehead. "Wahahahahaha!" the feline laughed as he thrusted repeatedly into the gasping and heaving Carbuncle. "Well what d'ya know, guess your shields _aren't _completely impenetrable, are they now lassie?"

"Ohhhh…OHHHHHHHH…" Carbuncle moaned in rapture. "Oooohhh…keep going baby, keep it coming…ohyesyesyesyesYESSSSS!"

"Aye, if that be your wish!" Cait Sith cackled, doing as the lady requested.

"Ahem," Red said from right next to the bed, causing Cait Sith to scream and leap into the air, painfully disengaging from Carbuncle in the process, causing the green critter to cry out in anguish and disappointment.

"IN THE NAME OF SWEET ST. MARY MCGONAGALL, LAD! DIDN'T YE SEE I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING?!" Cait Sith screamed, quickly covering himself with a bed sheet when he landed. "DO THE WORDS 'DO NOT DISTURB' MEAN NOTHING TO YE?!"

"No," Red said flatly. "Come with me, I need your help. And your thumbs. Tron's getting a message from Leon, but I can't figure out how to listen to it. You can finish playing with your friend here later, but I need you now."

Cait Sith snarled and bombarded Red XIII with every vulgar Scottish curse he knew, but threw off the sheets and put on his red cape and little gold crown, hanging from a nearby bedpost. "Nooooo," Carbuncle moaned piteously, latching onto Cait Sith's leg. "Don't go…we didn't even reach the good part yet!"

Cait Sith grumbled and shook her off. "Sweet blazes woman, can ye not reel in your libido for even a moment?! I'll be back in a moment, keep the bed warm!" Carbuncle pouted at him miserably as the cat hopped off the bed and followed Red out of the room, muttering loudly under his breath about busybody felines who "didn't know the first thing about privacy or when not to stick their big wet noses into something."

They quickly reached the control room, where Cait Sith looked around in disbelief at all the junk, flashing lights, water raining from the sprinklers, and disco ball spinning light around the room while the speakers continued to play 'YMCA.' "Oh, thank goodness you're here, Cait Sith!" a relieved Tron called from the monitor. "Leon's getting rather insistent he speak to you, he's been on the line for quite a few minutes now waiting for someone to pick up on your end!"

Cait Sith shook his head in disgust as he splashed through the puddles covering the floor over to the main console. "You're all hopeless, the lot of ye…can't even leave ye alone for half an hour…" With a few button presses, he was able to restore the room and town to normal, drain the water from the chamber, get his damp fur back in order, and bring up Leon on the communications channel. "'Ey, Leon, what's going on, my spandex-clad friend?"

"Where were you?" Leon asked testily, his face taking up the monitor, his scowl invisible to those in the computer room due to his wearing a lion-shaped helmet. "I've been on hold for the last ten minutes, talking to Tron while I waited for somebody to pick up. You were supposed to be manning the control room!"

"Oh, we were, we were," Cait Sith said smoothly. "We just…ah…had a bit of an emergency on our end. Aye, isn't that right, Red?"

Red blinked. "What? Oh, uh, yes. Yes, of course. An emergency. Real bad one, too."

They could hear the surprise and disbelief in Leon's voice. "An emergency? What kind of emergency?"

"Ah…"

"Eh…"

Red and Cait Sith glanced around the room for an excuse. The caped cat's eyes panned over the room's entrance…and did a double-take as he saw Carbuncle there, leaning against the doorframe, rubbing a paw over her legs and fluttering her eyes at him. Cait Sith swallowed and flushed, especially when she began wiggling her hips suggestively at him. "Ack…p-penetration!" he stammered, spitting out the first word that came to mind.

"Penetration?!" Leon cried, sounding alarmed and a little confused.

"Ah, yes, penetration," Cait Sith said, quickly thinking up a great whopping fib as Red XIII rushed over to the door to shoo Carbuncle out of the way before Leon could see her. "The, ah, security system was penetrated! Aye, those filthy blighters somehow managed to squeeze in through a gap in our defenses and wiggle their way into our base!"

"What! Who got in? Heartless? Nobodies?" Leon asked urgently.

Cait Sith shook his head. "Nay, lad, far worse than that…insurance salesmen! But ye dinna have to worry, ol' Red and I routed those fiends and sent them scurrying back to the depths of Tartarus! Isn't that right, Red?"

"Right, right, whatever you say!" Red XIII grunted, trying and failing to drag Carbuncle out of the room. She was a _lot_ stronger than she looked.

"Oh. Well, good job, both of you. In our current financial situation, there's no way we could have afforded any jacked-up insurance premiums." There was a tremendous explosion in the background, and the reception weakened, causing the image of Leon to get fuzzier. "But back on topic. I need you to activate the Zords! We have a giant monster over here, and only with their power can we defeat it!"

"Ah, right. Just a sec, lad." Cait Sith fiddled with the control panel for a moment. The castle rumbled, and Red thought he could hear some bestial and mechanical growling somewhere beneath them, around where the Zord hangar would be. "Okay, all the Zords are online. All you've got to do now is call them, and they'll show up faster than you can chow down a pile of haggis, topped off with my family's special top-secret seasoning!"

"Why would anyone want to eat haggis, especially with _that_ topping?" they could hear Yuffie asking from the other end of the line, offscreen. "It's gross!"

"Hey, how dare you insult the traditional Scottish dish and the honor of the braw MacFelis clan!" howled an offended Cait Sith. "I oughta drop a caber on you for that, lassie!"

"Can you even lift a caber?" Red asked Cait Sith, sitting on top of Carbuncle to keep her pinned down.

"That's not important," Cait Sith said dismissively. "Have fun with those Zords now. Do try not to break them, we had to spend hours fixing them up after that last little practice scrap ye had with them."

"We'll do our best to keep them in one piece," Leon said in a tone which implied doubt that they would be able to do such a thing. "Keep a handle on things on your end, too. And make sure to answer the phone promptly next time, I don't appreciate having to listen to Tron go on about his life inside our computers for ten minutes while waiting for a real person to pick up. Red Ranger out."

The display of his face vanished, replaced by the figure of a rather indignant Tron. "That was rather rude of him…he made it sound as if being forced to talk to me for ten minutes rather than one of you was an onerous experience. He even implied that I'm not a real person!" It was clear that last one hurt him deeply.

Cait Sith shook his head in disgust. "Aye, that boy's got a real nasty rod shoved up his arse…maybe even a whole tree, with branches an' everything!"

"I use trees like that as scratching posts," Red XIII said conversationally. "Or to mark territory."

Cait Sith sighed. "If only we could do the same for Mr. Tightwad Leonheart…without getting gutted by that nasty thing he's always hefting around to compensate for what he's lacking...just like Spikeyhair McAngstpants and the so-called 'One-Winged Angel'. Ha!" The caped cat laughed. "As if a virile young MacFelis cat like me needed to bother with a ridiculously oversized weapon like that, I'm more than satisfied with what Nature's blessed me with!"

"As am I!" Carbuncle squealed, hurling Red XIII off of her and tackling Cait Sith to the ground. "Now, let's get back to where we left off!"

Cait Sith's eyes goggled. "Right here?!"

"I see no reason not to."

"But, ah, lass, we have spectators…" the cat pinned to the ground said weakly, gesturing at Red XIII and Tron.

"I don't really care," Carbuncle said cheerfully.

Caith Sith grunted and gave in. "Well, all right, let it never be said that Cait Sith MacFelis lets a beautiful woman down!" And so the two fuzzy critters went back to making love. Right on the floor of the control room.

"Hmm," said Red.

"Fascinating!" said an amazed Tron. "So _that's_ how they do it. I have plenty of data on the subject, but little imagery to go along with it. Well, I can find a lot on the Net, true, but that's all recorded and the sources and authenticity of that material is questionable. To see an actual example of sexual intercourse live before my sensors…I must record this for later study!"

"Now, hold on there-" said an alarmed Cait Sith, pulling his face away from Carbuncle's kisses to protest.

"Oh, honey, I don't mind," Carbuncle said, cuddling and pressing him further into herself. "If this helps that poor blue digital man understand love, we have no choice but to give him the best show we can, in the name of romance!"

"That would be most appreciated," Tron said eagerly.

"Oh, all right," Cait Sith relented, putting more effort into what he was doing and causing Carbuncle to arc her back and scream in pleasure. Tron watched avidly, taking detailed notes.

Red XIII rolled his eyes. "Tron, I never thought you were such a voyeur."

"I'm just curious!" the living computer program protested. "If I am to ever become more of a 'real' person and not just a program, then I must understand all aspects of what it means to be 'alive', including sexual intercourse and the emotions connected to it."

Red shrugged. "Well, as long as you don't use it to jerk off, I don't really have a problem with it."

Tron glanced away from the spectacle of the two mating furry creatures to look at Red in confusion. "'Jerk off?'"

"Masturbate."

"Ah." Tron glanced down at himself. "Um, I don't have-"

"I didn't need to know that," Red said, turning to walk away.

"I could grow one, though!" Tron said quickly. "It would just take a little reprogramming, and maybe a patch or two; I could probably get Cid to write me one, or download it from the Net if I needed to…"

"I didn't need to know that, either," Red said, passing through the exit as Carbuncle moaned in ecstasy and Cait Sith shouted something in Scottish. "Have fun."

They did.

Back at Dark City…

Leon hung up his cell phone. "All right, the Zords are ready. Now we just need to call them and they'll be here."

"Finally!" said a relieved Yuffie, gesturing to the twitching piles of nearly dead Heartless, Nobodies, and Unseelies that they had been fighting for the last few minutes littering the street. "I was getting tired of beating up these losers, now we can have some real fun and cause total mayhem in our giant robots!"

"Yuffie, I don't think they were even trying to attack us…" Tifa said.

"So?" Yuffie asked with a carefree shrug.

Aerith cackled and dispatched her bats, which greedily devoured the helpless monsters. "You would make a fine demon, little one."

"Awesome!" Yuffie cheered.

"Dagnabit, what did I tell you about corrupting the young 'un?" Cid growled at the former flower girl.

Aerith glared at him, the eyes on her helmet glowing. "And what did I tell _you_ about speaking to me in that tone of voice?!" Cid clenched his fists, the air growing very tense between the Blue and Black Rangers.

"Oooh! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Stitch cheered.

"No fight," Tifa corrected, standing in between Cid and Aerith. "Right now we need to work together to stop that monster and restore Prince John back to normal! Can't you two just put your problem on hold until afterwards?"

Cid grimaced and crossed his arms. "I will if she does."

"Very well," Aerith said reluctantly. "But this isn't over."

"Of course it ain't," Cid agreed.

"Okay, if you two are done," Leon interjected. "It's time to use our Zords and show the universe-"

"Sora's not the only hero, we can do cool stuff too, blablabla," Yuffie mocked, clenching and opening her hand like it was a flapping jaw. "Let's just do this already and blow something up!"

"Yeah!" Stitch agreed eagerly.

"Whatever," Leon grunted. He pulled out his Gunblade and made a series of complicated flaming slashes with it before pointing it straight up on the air, causing a red fireball to shoot up into the sky and explode. "Red Lion Zord, descend!"

A rainbow bridge arced down from the war-torn skies above, one end in Dark City and the other in Radiant Garden. There was a great bestial growl as a giant mechanical red and black lion stampeded down that bridge into the city, a pair of bat-like wings sprouting from its back. It leaped off the end of the bridge, landing with an earth-shaking thud in the streets. Leon made an impossibly tall leap and somehow passed through the lion's metal hull and into the cockpit in its head, landing right in the pilot's chair. Once seated, he placed his cell phone into a specially made socket on the console before him, causing the robot's systems to activate. "Griever, power up!"

Cid twirled his spear in his hands and made a series of complicated maneuvers with it before pointing it up in the air. "Airship Zord, c'mon down!"

A large blue airship with a long metal blimp-like envelope, a number of propellers, thrusters, and steering rudders sprouting from the sides, and a small metal cabin attached to the underside flew down from the sky, having made it here from Radiant Garden quickly due to some kind of wormhole or warp drive that had been put in it. Cid made an impossible leap into the air and somehow landed right in the pilot's seat in the ship's cockpit, surrounded by various blinking lights and gauges. He took out a large tool kit he most certainly had not had before, placed it in a socket on the console before him, and opened it up, revealing the ship's control panel. "Highwind, power up!"

Tifa punched and kicked at the air before striking a pose. "Yellow Power Zord, arise!"

The roof of a nearby stadium shimmered, imploded on itself, and turned into a wormhole, which spat out a yellow and silver long-nosed triangular space fighter jet. It was a bit smaller than Cid's airship. Tifa made an impossible leap and landed in the pilot's seat in the cockpit…even though it hadn't even opened up to let her in…and grabbed the controls. "Yellow Force Flier, power up!"

Yuffie made a series of complicated hand motions. "Summon jutsu! Ninja Helicopter Zord!"

One of the burning wrecks falling from orbit shimmered and transformed as a Holo-Portal projected the form of Yuffie's Zord onto it all the way from the Command Center, causing it to transform into a very large green assault helicopter with numerous weapons, a tail ending in a pair of turbine thrusters rather than a secondary rotor, a large upper rotor in the shape of a long, thin shuriken, and a cockpit shaped like a bird's head. Yuffie made a…slightly less than impossible leap, using a series of buildings as stepping stones, hopping from one to the other before landing in the helicopter's cockpit. "Ninja Star, power up!"

Aerith made a series of motions with her scythe before pointing it into the air and chanting, "Galwit Mysto Prifior!" A dark purple spell-seal with a pentagram appeared in the air above and lowered onto her. As her body passed through the spell, it was enlarged and transmuted into metal, turning _herself_ into a Zord rather than summoning one for her to ride in. Within moments, she had become a black and silver humanoid (and very female) giant robot ten times her regular size, making her the smallest of all the Zords so far. She was made of black and gray metal with red kneecaps, a red plate hanging from the front of her black waist armor, red shoulders, and a red upper chest. Her arms ended in long claws, and talons grew from her feet. Her head was mostly black with a blood-red bat-wing shaped facemask with a pair of glowing yellow eyes and a pair of curved horns going back over her head. A pair of metal black bat wings sprouted from her back, and a flexible segmented barbed tail grew out from her rear. Her scythe had vanished, but her dark aura was even greater than before, darkness flowing off of her and melting into the ground, magically generated bats flapping and screeching around her in a great swarm. "Mystic Succubus Zord!"

Stitch, the last Ranger, made a stylish pose with his blasters and plasma blades. "Makka makka! Come on, Stitch Machine!" A bright red two-seated space cruiser rocketed out of nowhere and flew down towards Stitch. The Magna Ranger backflipped as it came right at him from behind, landing in the driver's seat and taking the wheel as it shot back up into the air. He pressed a few buttons on the dashboard. "Okay…now, come on, _Big_ Stitch Machine!" There was a sonic boom as a very large heavily armed red battleship warped into the city airspace, hovering fearlessly over the burning skyscrapers. "Ooh, the red one!"

Stitch's cruiser flew over to the battleship and inserted itself into a special notch on the giant vessel's bridge. Stitch made another pose, without getting out of his seat. "Okietaka…Henshin-thingy!" His cruiser vanished inside the ship, the notch sealing behind it. There was a mechanical groan as the battleship twisted and simultaneously folded and unfolded different parts of itself, dropping to the ground and transforming into a big red four-armed robot that was a remarkable likeness of Stitch himself, complete with antenna, spines, big head, and the shining 626 on its chest. The giant mecha-Stitch struck a stylish pose, glowing light radiating from it. "Magna Stitch Majiin! Meega Nala Kwista!"

"Shouldn't that be 'Magna Stitch Zord?'" asked Tifa.

"Naga!" Stitch replied. "Stitch likes this name better!"

"I like it too," Yuffie chirped. "It suits him."

"Why is his Zord so much bigger than my Zord form?" seethed an annoyed Aerith.

"Stitch is the greatest!" Stitch told her.

"Hmm...we'll see about that…" she growled.

It was then that King Leo finally noticed the six giant robots. He jumped in surprise. "Wh-whaaaa?! Where the hell did you guys come from?!"

"You mean you didn't notice the cool arrival sequences for all our Zords?!" asked an indignant Yuffie.

"…Um, no, I don't think so. I was kind of over here, destroying stuff…" the giant leonine villain said apologetically.

"Oh," said Yuffie, rather disappointed. "That's lame!"

"Let's quit jawing and blast him already!" yelled Cid.

"Ih!" Stitch agreed, panels all over his robot's body sliding open and revealing dozens of cannons, lasers, and missile launchers.

"This shouldn't take long," Aerith said confidently as her aura pulsed and more bats swarmed around her.

"Uh, guys, remember, we're not supposed to kill him, just knock him out," Tifa pointed out.

"And blasting him's the best way to do that!" Yuffie said enthusiastically, priming the many weapons on her assault helicopter.

"All right, everybody ready…aim…" Leon said, his Griever Zord growling and beginning to glow.

"Ack! W-wait!" cried a horrified King Leo.

"FIRE!" And so they did. Leon's winged lion Zord spat fireballs. The Highwind launched several dozen missiles. Tifa fired several hundred rounds from her fighter's guns. Yuffie and Stitch both let loose with the ridiculous amount of firepower their Zords possessed. Aerith lashed out with bolts of black lightning as well as streams of darkness and bats. King Leo yelped in horror and tried to shield himself as the attacks struck, creating a tremendous explosion that could probably be seen from orbit and leveled all the buildings in the surrounding blocks.

"YEAH! THAT WAS AWESOME!" Yuffie screamed giddily.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Stitch howled, madly firing his guns into the air.

"Whoo, not bad!" Cid chuckled.

"Just as I predicted, he didn't stand a chance," Aerith said coolly.

"Mission complete," Leon said calmly.

"…Uh, guys, what part of DON'T KILL HIM didn't you understand?!" Tifa yelled at her teammates.

"Aw, I'm sure he's fine," Yuffie said flippantly. "Look, the smoke's clearing now and there he is, completely…unharmed…what the hell?!"

"$#&&#$&!" Cid cursed in disbelief.

"GABBA?!" cried Stitch.

"Impossible!" gasped Aerith.

"No way! You're…alive?!" yelled a shocked Tifa.

King Leo blinked and looked himself over in surprise. "Huh? I-I'm okay? Er, I mean, of course I'm okay! Gwahahahaha! You fools can't possibly penetrate my indestructible barrier that I just remembered about this instant! I'm invincible!"

The Rangers all groaned. "Oh, that is _so_ cheap!" said an irritated Yuffie. "Well, can't say it's that big a surprise, individual Zord attacks are always superfluous anyway."

"Then I guess it's time we kicked this up a notch," Leon said. "Everyone, Megazord formation!"

"Right!" the other Rangers chorused.

The Griever lion roared and leaped into the air, spreading its wings out to hover in place. It pointed its front limbs to the sides and its hind legs downward, and then retracted both into its body all the way up to the paws, which had compacted into pivot joints. The lion's head rotated ninety degrees downward, so that it was now on the Zord's chest rather than its neck, creating a torso that actually looked a bit like King Leo's…minus the royal trappings, and with wings instead of a disk.

Tifa's Force Flier elongated, the front extending away from the thrusters and cockpit into a V-shaped plate thanks to a number of servomotors. A black robotic fist flipped out from underneath this plate, locking into place just beneath its tip. The transformed jet then attached itself to one of the pivot joints on the Griever Zord, creating a left arm.

The Highwind split right down the middle and separated into two identical halves, the propellers and engines either retracting into the main body or flipping to the sides. The main engines moved to the very back of the airship and flipped so they were aligned with the rest of the flying vessel's body. The frontmost parts of either Zord half flipped ninety degrees up to create a pair of feet, changing the rest of the airship into legs. The lower pivot joints on Griever slid into the waiting propellers, connecting the two and creating a giant winged humanoid robot body only lacking a head and a right arm.

One of those two problems was rectified as Aerith rose into the air, bringing her legs up to her chest and folding her arms around them, then bending her head down on top of them. Her demonic wings curled around her to make a vaguely spherical form as she landed on top of the unfinished robot's torso, her tail pointing straight down as she landed and inserting itself into a special socket left by the lion head's rotation, allowing the Succubus to lock herself in place. Her horns, one of the only visible parts of her head remaining since the rest were concealed by her folded wings, began glowing a bright red as a large black helmet with yellow horns descended from out of nowhere and landed on top of her, framing the front of her body and causing it to look sort of like an eerie red-eyed face.

Now all that was left was the right arm. Except…

"Yuffie, what are you doing?!" Leon cried in disbelief from the large five-seated joint control room inside the unfinished giant robot's head.

Yuffie, rather than transforming her helicopter into a right arm and attaching it to the giant robot, had instead elected to change it into its own robot form, one maybe two-thirds as big as the unfinished giant robot. The twin turbines on the tail had split into legs, the bird-like cockpit had split in two and flipped to the sides to form arms, in the process revealing a robot head with a visor divided into four sections by a four-pointed star. As a finishing touch, the shuriken-like rotor had lowered into the chest and become a three-pointed red star crest, the fourth point snapping off and attaching itself to the new Zord's back like a sword. It also had a big red flowing scarf, for some reason. "What's it look like I'm doing? I'm having fun with my Zord! Why bother wasting its ultimate ninja powers by turning into a lame arm when I can do something like this?" she yelled from the cockpit of her robot, now dubbed the Ninja Star Megazord.

"Ooh, nice!" Stitch complimented her.

"Impudent brat!" hissed Aerith, who was also somehow in the cockpit of the incomplete giant robot…even though she was actually one of the Megazord's _parts…_

"Since when can her helicopter do that?" an incredulous Tifa asked.

There was a pause, and then everybody looked at Cid. "Aw, crap," he groaned, realizing he had been found out.

"Cid, why did you give her Zord a robot mode?" Leon asked, a dangerous tone in his voice.

"She made me do it!" Cid protested. "Threatened to break my stuff and steal my munny and paint graffiti all over my Gummi ships if I didn't! What else was I supposed to do?!"

They groaned and shook their heads. "I should kill you," said Aerith.

"I'll help," Tifa growled.

"Ack!" a terrified Cid yelped.

"Later," said Leon, pushing buttons on his console. "Fortunately, Yuffie's helicopter isn't the _only_ right-arm Zord we have. Let's see if any of the others back at the garage would work."

The other Rangers all crowded around to peer over his shoulders as he scrolled through the different possible Zords. "How about the Ninja Ape?" Tifa suggested.

"No, we already have a Red Zord, the colors clash," Aerith said dismissively. "Same reason we can't use the Blue Shogunzord or the Tricerazord."

"Maybe the Pink Wildcat?" Cid suggested. "We don't have any pink Zords here, what with Aerith becoming the devil's consort and all."

"I refuse to operate a giant robot with any pink on it," Aerith said flatly.

"Guess that means the White Tigerzord's out too," Tifa commented.

"Yes, it is," Aerith agreed.

"How about the Cephalazord?" Cid suggested.

"I don't like that Zord," Leon said flatly.

"Why not?" asked a confused Cid.

Leon grunted. "I hate dinosaurs."

The others looked at him in disbelief. "How can anyone hate dinosaurs?!" asked a shocked Tifa.

"I just do. So there," Leon said decisively. "The Bulldozer?"

"It would go well with my Zord's left arm," Tifa admitted.

"Can't, darn thing got busted when Yuffie drove it off a cliff," Cid grunted.

"What about the Drill Driver?" asked Aerith.

"Yuffie broke that too," Cid said flatly.

"The Giraffe?"

"Yuffie."

"The Polar Bear?"

"Yuffie."

"The Hammerhead Shark?"

"Yuffie."

"Wow, she broke a lot of Zords…" Tifa muttered.

"Why the hell do you think I gave her chopper a Zord mode?! It was the only damn thing stopping her from breaking the others!" Cid told her.

"What about…that one?" Aerith asked, pointing at a silver and purple wolf Zord. "The Fenrir Zord?"

Leon stiffened. "No. We are not using that one."

"Why? Just because it's the one we designed for Cloud, in the off-chance that he might decide to join the Radiant Force?" Tifa asked.

"Yes," Leon said flatly. "And that's final."

"Okay, I'll bring 'er in," Cid said, pressing a few buttons.

"What? No!!!" Leon cried in alarm. "I said we _weren't_ using that one, and that was final!"

"No, you said, 'yes'," Cid pointed out craftily. "And that it was final. You just never said what you were saying 'yes' to."

"But-you-I-that-" Leon sputtered incomprehensibly, stunned by Cid's slick maneuver. Tifa snickered, just imagining what his expression must look like under his helmet.

Aerith cackled. "Very well done, mortal. I am impressed. I shall not kill you after all."

"Thanks…I think…" said Cid.

"Here it comes!" Tifa said as Leon fumed and crossed his arms, seeing that there was nothing he could do to prevent this from happening. "The Fenrir!"

A large silver and purple mechanical wolf dashed over to the Megazord, leaping into the air as it approached. All four of its legs folded into its body, and its tail flipped over and fused with its back. In this position, the robot wolf floated over to the unfinished giant robot, attaching itself to the last remaining pivot joint and creating the right arm, the wolf's jaws forming the right 'hand'. _Finally_ complete, the giant winged robot posed as the four Rangers inside made weird arm motions. "Go, Radiant Megazord!" A tremendous explosion occurred behind the robot for no apparent reason, blowing up the street and surrounding buildings. "Er, was that supposed to happen?"

King Leo, who was currently sitting down and having a nice spot of tea with the Ninja Star Megazord and Magna Stitch Majiin, started when he saw that the giant robot was finally complete. He finished his cup of tea, and then spat it out in the Magna Stitch Majiin's face in belated shock. "Well, it's about time!" he said in annoyance, getting up and drawing his sword while the giant Stitch robot rolled on the ground in pain, clawing at its face and screaming curses in an alien tongue. "It's not polite to keep your opponent waiting so long!"

"Yeah, what took you guys?" asked an annoyed Yuffie.

"Well, we might have been ready faster if a _certain someone_ hadn't decided not to cooperate and instead joyride in her own special robot form which nobody else has," Leon growled.

"Oh yeah, that," Yuffie said in a carefree tone. "I suppose I can forgive you, then. _This_ time. Hey, since it turns out you didn't need me after all, do you suppose I could just go back to the castle and help Sora rescue Kairi?"

"I think I'm going to either kill her or indoctrinate her into the legions of Hell," Aerith said. "I'm not sure which."

"There'll be no indocrinatin' on my watch!" Cid said gruffly.

"Very well, I suppose I'll just have to kill her," said Aerith with a shrug.

"Er, wait, that's not what I meant," Cid said quickly.

"Whatever," said Leon, not caring. "Yuffie, Stitch, get over here."

"'K," said the ninja.

"Okietaka!" agreed Stitch. Both their Zords quickly came over and stood beside the Radiant Megazord.

"All right, we're going to defeat you Prince John-" Leon started.

"King Leo," corrected the giant monster.

"Huh?"

"I changed my name to King Leo. Thought it suited me better, especially since I'm the ruler of a kingdom and not my stupid brother, not anymore," the monster explained.

"Then…you're like the 'King Leo formerly known as Prince?'" Yuffie joked.

"Yes," said Leo, not getting the joke or understanding why Yuffie was giggling so hard.

"AHEM," Leon said loudly. "We're going to defeat you, King Leo. Do you know why?"

"You can't defeat me, I have an invincible barrier," King Leo pointed out.

"…Assuming that barrier wasn't an issue, do you know why we'll defeat you?" Leon started again.

"Because there are three of you and one of me?" King Leo said.

Leon slowly counted to ten, took a deep breath, and continued. "Yes, that too. But the real reason is because we're…"

"POWER RANGERS: RADIANT FORCE!" they all cried, the three giant robots posing as a series of tremendous multicolored explosions erupted behind them.

"Wow!" said an impressed King Leo. "Er, I mean…oh yeah?! Well, _I'm_ King Leo!" He posed. Nothing happened. "King Leo!" Still nothing happened. "Aw, come on, why do you guys have explosions and I don't?" As if on cue, one of the falling spaceships crashed down behind him and exploded. "Ah, that's better! Okay, let's get this over with! I'm gonna kick you Rangers into last season!"

"Wouldn't that cause a retroactive crossover with the last bunch of Rangers?" asked Yuffie.

"And possibly cause a paradox which would destroy the universe?" added Cid.

"Um…er…GRAAAHHH! Just die already!" King Leo roared, raising his sword and lashing out at them.

And so the Radiant Force began their first true giant monster battle…

…

Back at the chapel, Sora's small team, Merlin, Zurg, Shere Khan, Montblanc, Satan, and a few other onlookers watched as Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX, Darkwing Duck, Imperialdramon Fighter Mode and Gallantmon, and the three Radiant Garden Zords started fighting four of Oberon's six monsters. Everyone else, under Arthur's direction, was busy making preparations to go down into the giant castle and try to reactivate everything (as well as gather as much information as possible to use against Maleficent at a later date).

"Wow," said an impressed Sora. "Look at them all."

_I wish we had a giant robot,_ Roxas complained.

"I wish I had a giant robot," Pete echoed Roxas without knowing it.

"They are awfully expensive, and often impractical" Shere Khan said with a sniff. "However…" He glanced at the Radiant Megazord, where he knew Tifa was. "Perhaps I should consider investing in one…"

"Pah, these monsters are lame-ass weak," Satan said dismissively. "We got _way_ bigger and _way_ nastier mothafuckas back in Hell. And I'm the baddest of them all! Oh yeah!"

"We are doing well so far," Merlin said, glancing up from the preparations he was making for the spell that would transport Sora's party into Oberon's body. "But we must hurry and engage the other monsters before Oberon acts to eliminate our fellows!"

"Then I suppose it's time to activate my latest weapon…" Zurg said. "I'm glad you stayed long enough to watch this, Lightyear, for you will be able to witness its power firsthand and tremble! Assuming my mecha survives this day, I will turn its might upon you next!"

Buzz checked a display on his wrist computer. "Actually Zurg, after you start it up I kind of have to join the other Space Rangers, we're going back up into orbit to help the other allied forces in the big space battle up there. You can send me a recording, though, I'll watch it with interest when I get some free time later."

Zurg stared at him for a moment, and then slumped in disappointment. "Sometimes you take all the fun out of being an evil villain, Lightyear…" Shaking his head, he pressed a button on his arm. There was a burst of green light in the city below, and a new giant robot appeared on the streets. It was 50 meters tall, painted mostly dark purple, and was very bulky and powerful-looking, with clawed feet and arms ending in three grasping talons. A pair of small wings protruded from its back for ornamentation and to vent exhaust from its energy core. Its head was small and had no neck, just a pair of enormous decorative yellow metal jaws set between the shoulders with a pair of beady red eyes positioned above them, along with a pair of bat-wing 'eyebrows' and a spiky Mohawk crest. It looked a little like Zurg's face, actually. A large metal Z was embossed on the metallic monster's chest. "Behold, the Zurgrex! I purchased the original specs from a jar-headed black market dealer who was later killed by super-powered police on a distant planet, and added my own modifications. What do you think?"

Buzz stroked his chin as he examined the giant mecha. "Hmm…not bad, Zurg, but to be frank I was more terrified of the giants on the forbidden planet of the Toys. Speaking of which…hey, Woody! You wanna come up with us?"

Woody, who was repairing Bullseye's saddle with Jesse, glanced up. "Nah, we've decided we're going to join the guys heading into the castle to try and fix things up!"

"Do you have any idea how to do that?" Buzz asked.

Woody laughed. "Not really, but it can't be too hard, right?"

"That's the spirit, cowboy!" Buzz turned back to Zurg, who seemed rather crestfallen by Buzz's dismissal of his warmech. "Oh, now, don't give me that look, Zurg. I'm sure it's very fearsome, and in any other situation I'd appreciate all the hard work you put into it and be properly awed and intimidated. But right now I've got to rendezvous with the rest of my team and go into orbit to keep our friends up there from dying, so I don't really have the time for all that. If this thing survives today's battle, I promise to be properly worried by its sheer power the next time you use it against me, okay?"

"…Okay…" Zurg said miserably.

"That's the spirit," Buzz said cheerfully, patting Zurg on the shoulder. "All right, I have to go now. Send me a recording of the battle; I'd love to see it. Fight you later!" He pressed a few buttons on his wrist, and he teleported away in a flash of green light.

Zurg sighed and hung his head despondently. "I try so hard for that man…" The others eyed him uncertainly. After a few seconds, Zurg pressed another button on his arm, causing himself to vanish in a burst of light. Moments later, the eyes of the Zurgrex lit up and the monster came to life with an electronic roar, spreading its arms and stomping over to engage Jiminy Cricket, now known as Kricketor, in battle. Kricketor still wore Jiminy's top hat and dress coat, but looked far less cute thanks to his two new arms, barbed limbs, elongated spiky thorax, gnashing mandibles, and multifaceted eyes.

"I kinda feel sorry for that guy," Goofy said unexpectedly. "I mean, he went to all that work making a big giant robot, but Mr. Lightyear didn't really seem to appreciate it, a-hyuck."

Pete nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean, Goof. It hurts when your nemesis doesn't seem to understand and respect all the hard work and lengths to which you go to kill him. I mean, it's not like we can pull our monsters and giant robots and deathtraps out of thin air or anything! (Well, most of us, anyway.) It takes a lot of planning, and preparation, and time and resources…and for a guy to just dismiss it like it's nothing and say he's seen scarier can break a poor villain's heart! And they call _us_ evil!"

"No, they call _me_ evil," corrected Satan. "And I certainly am. And I'm also certain that guy's a loser. Ha!"

"I honestly had no idea bad guys felt that way," Sora told Pete. "I'll try and be more considerate of how much effort you put into your attempts to destroy me in the future."

"Me too!" Goofy promised.

Pete sniffed, touched. "Aw, shucks, thanks guys!" Satan gagged and rolled his eyes, as did Roxas. Shere Khan just grunted.

"I guess we're all that's left, kupo," Montblanc said, opening his communicator again. "Mothership, this is Clan Leader Montblanc. Release the Moombas!"

"Moombas?" asked a confused Sora as Montblanc closed his communicator.

_Aren't they those cute fuzzy bipedal lion-like things that burn real well when you set them on fire?_ Roxas asked. Sora didn't really want to know.

"Yep," Montblanc said, nodding and causing his antenna to wobble. "The Moombas! The Trade Federation's finest achievement in the field of giant robotics, kupo!"

…_Giant robot Moombas?!_ This disturbed Roxas to no end.

"Gawrsh, here they come!" Goofy said, pointing out the window at five growing specks flying down from the chaos and frequent explosions overtaking the upper atmosphere.

As the 'Moombas' got closer, Sora could see that they were indeed giant robots, four out of five of them identical and looking vaguely leonine but with oversized front paws and a long swept-back metal mane. The fifth, for some reason, was a bit bulkier than the other four and had V-shaped wings on the back. They were all color-coded; red, yellow, green, blue, and black.

"Huh. And all'a those things are bein' piloted by puny little Moogles?" Pete asked Montblanc.

Montblanc shook his head. "No, kupo, just some of them! They're being controlled by the finest pilots in the Federation! Look at them go, kupo, they're about to transform!" There was a pause, and then Montblanc kicked Pete hard in the shin, causing him to howl in pain and hop on one foot. "And don't call us puny, kupo."

"Kupo! Initiate transformation sequence!" Mog, great hero of the Moogles, commanded from inside Black Moomba.

"Roger!" his four teammates called from their Moombas.

"Rally-ho! Forming hands and arms!" said the pilot of the Red Moomba, a dwarf named Ivan Robotfighter.

"Kwehkwehkwehkweh!" squawked the pilot of the blue Mooma, Boco the Chocobo.

"We've got it, kupo!" said Boco's copilot, Mene.

The limbs of the Red and Blue Moombas folded to their sides, the tails flipping into their backs and their heads straightening out to form arms and hands.

"Uaaaooohhh oouuuaoooahhh!" (Forming feet and legs!) bellowed Umaro the Yeti, pilot of Yellow Lion.

"…" wiggled Frailea the Cactuar, pilot of Green Moomba. Their Moombas underwent similar transformations as the Red and Blue ones, except the heads of their robots rotated up ninety degrees to form feet, their bodies becoming the legs.

"And I'll form the head, kupo!" said Mog. His Moomba's front legs pivoted sideways and retracted into the body, the paws becoming joints. The legs flipped downwards then folded up on themselves to create another set of joints. The V on its back rotated 180 degrees so the wings pointed upward, and a giant M crest formed on the Black Moomba's chest. The Red and Blue Moombas connected to the upper joints to create arms, while the Yellow and Green Moombas attached to the lower joints to make legs. The Black Moomba's head flipped down on its neck ninety degrees, then opened its jaws wide, revealing a metal face much like a Moogle's complete with squinty eyes and a big red nose. An antenna with a big pom-pom sprung out of the top of its head. The giant robot struck a pose in midair, light and pyrotechnics streaming out from behind it. "MOOGLETRON!"

"…" said Pete.

"…" said Goofy.

"…" said Sora.

… said Roxas.

"…" said Merlin.

"Hmm," said Shere Khan.

"Kupo!" Montblanc said cheerfully.

"Damn," grunted Satan. "That's one ugly robot."

Moogletron landed neatly on the ground and pointed a Moomba-jaw hand at Sebastian, who had been transformed into a hideous seventy-meter tall yellow-eyed crustacean horror with dozens of legs, a pair of huge snapping pincers, and two long multi-jointed barbed limbs arcing over his back. His robust chin had been destroyed by the many hideous feelers and mandibles extending from his mouth. "Kupo! We're not gonna let you get away with destroying this city, right gang?"

"Right!" the other Moogletron pilots chorused. Sebastian, now called Destroyah, screeched and flailed its mandibles, frothing at the mouth, then began doing battle with the giant robot.

"Look at them go, kupo!" Montblanc said, filled with pride.

"Yeah, very nice," Satan said, not really caring. "Well, guess it's my turn, then. Gotta keep that blue-ass mofo from screwing things up, right?"

"Remember, Satan. You must not kill him, not until-" Merlin started.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, not until all the captive magic's released and the hostages are free, think I don't know that?" Satan snorted. "I don't wanna blow up babygirl! She'd never forgive me. Oh, but before I go…yo, Keybrat, I got something for ya!"

"Huh? Me?" said a surprised Sora.

"Sora, be careful," warned Goofy.

Pete nodded. "Yeah, this is the Devil we're talking about here! He's my father-in-law, so I know that any gift o' his isn't always a good thing!"

Satan rolled his eyes. "Aw, shut up the both of you, damn wusses. Here!" He tossed Sora a small object.

Sora reflexively caught it, against his better judgment, and took a look. It was a keychain, made to look like a pentagram laid over a Yin-Yang symbol. "Hey, it's a new keychain! The…" He paused, the magical item's name engraving itself into his mind. "Hellblazer?"

Satan nodded. "Yep, that's the one! Should come in handy inside Oberon. Don't use it until you get in there, though…don't want him to know you got it until it's too late!"

"Um, all right…" said a confused Sora.

_Cool, we got a Keyblade from Satan!_ Crowed Roxas. _It's _gotta_ be powerful…_

"This…isn't going to corrupt me or put a curse on me or anything, is it?" Sora asked uneasily. In response, Satan laughed malevolently and vanished in a burst of flame and darkness. "Yeah…that's not exactly reassuring…"

…

Down in the city, Oberon frowned, noticing that his six monsters had been halted in their rampage by giant defenders dispatched by the mortals he had sent his Unseelie to kill. Apparently they had survived. He had clearly underestimated them. "Hmmph. No matter. I will crush their puny resistance with the very magic I have stolen from them!" His multicolored aura pulsed as he summoned the power he needed to obliterate this entire city and everything in it once and for all…

When a familiar and unwelcome voice called out, distracting him. "Yo, O-dawg! What the fuck do you think you're doing with my babygirl's city?!"

Startled, Oberon looked down at the closest skyscraper and saw an indignant Satan, wielding his trident, standing on top of it. "What? Satan? But I banished you!"

"Yeah, and I _un_-banished myself," Satan retorted. "I'm the fucking ruler of Hell, you really think a lame-ass spell like that's gonna keep me down for long?!"

Oberon scowled and started gathering power again. "It is too late for you to stop me, Satan. Not even you can defeat me now!"

Satan laughed. "Dawg, you got _no _idea who you're talking to!"

"No, it is _you_ who has no idea, demon!" Oberon retorted. "I will send you back to Hell in pieces! HOLY!" Shining balls of white light forming in his hands, Oberon fired a pair of incredibly powerful blasts of holy energy at the Devil. Satan waited until the last minute, then leaped into the air before the spell could hit him, obliterating the building he had been standing on and the ten behind it before running out of power.

Satan soared through the air, on a collision course with Oberon's face, which was now twisted up in surprise. "Too slow, dawg! Gotta do better than that if you wanna beat me!" He drew back his fist as he approached.

"Fool, what do you think you can possibly do-" Oberon started just before Satan's fist, currently about the size of one of the giant elf's pupils, hit him in the nose.

The force of the punch knocked Oberon off his feet and sent him flying through the air. He crashed down hard to the ground, toppling skyscrapers as he skidded across the city for some distance, tearing up pavement and leaving a trail five kilometers long, causing much destruction in his wake before finally coming to a stop. Oberon blinked, stunned, and realized to his amazement that his nose was broken.

As the giant elf grunted, reset his nose, and started pulling himself back to his feet, Satan landed at the other end of the trench formed by Oberon's 'flight' and slowly started walking towards him, an eerie grin on his face. "How…how did you…" Oberon started.

The Demon King laughed evilly. "Dumbass. Didn't I tell you you had no idea what you were dealing with?" An incredibly dark aura began swirling around him, drawing all the Heartless in the area towards him, dragging a fair amount of curious Nobodies that had nothing better to do with him. "I'm _Satan_, dawg! Supreme Badass Ruler and Ultimate Master of Hell! I'm motherfucking _evil_ incarnate! I've been killing people and corrupting souls since before you was born, son. I've destroyed entire fucking civilizations and worlds. I've been with more women, and men, and other things than you can count! Hell, I probably even raped yo momma once! And you…you brainless blue-skinned twerp, you think you can beat me? You think a wimpy banishing spell would keep me down? You think you can steal magic, kidnap my babygirl and a buncha her pals, try to wreck her city and dominate the universe (which, may I add, is _my_ job, not yours!), and there won't be any consequences?! Well, dawg, let me tell you…" Satan grinned, showing his glittering golden teeth. "You were dead wrong, and I do mean _dead._" He gestured grandly, causing the Heartless gathered around him to flinch. "Mah homies! Throw off the shackles of oppression this asswipe's put on you! Stop tearing each other apart and fighting all those guys in orbit! The whole lot of you are bruthas, and bruthas shouldn't have to fight just because some power-mad shithead's driving 'em nuts 'cause he don't respect you enough to use your true potential! And as for those other guys you're killin'…leave 'em be for now, you can always massacre them later! Now ain't the time!" He made a shooing gesture. "Now, all of ya, go on, scram, get outta here! _I'll_ take care of this dickhead!" The Heartless fidgeted, glancing from Satan to Oberon and back, then bowed and simultaneously vanished. The Nobodies hovered around for a moment in uncertainty, then decided to take the Heartless' cue and got out of there as well.

The flashing lights up in the skies caused by the giant space battle seemed to slow, pause, and then die down altogether…much to the surprise of the varied ships the Heartless and Nobody armada had been attacking, no doubt. Dark City became a bit quieter, other than the explosions caused in the near distance by Oberon's monsters fighting the defending giant robots….and much emptier, as well. Every Heartless and Nobody on the planet, and above it, had disappeared.

Oberon was stunned. "How…how did you…" His eyes flashed with rage. "How dare you?! They were under _my_ power!"

"Yeah, and you despised 'em so much you didn't even bother using 'em right!" Satan scolded Oberon. "Fo' shame, dawg! Just because they don't all come from immortal origins like your Unseelie don't mean they don't have their own power and style! Hell, I'd take my homies over those glow-in-the-dark freaks anyday!"

"Oh really?" Oberon sneered. He snapped his fingers, and suddenly Satan found himself surrounded by ten thousand Unseelie of every variety, on the ground, in the air, and crawling over the many broken buildings surrounding them. "A shame you sent all your 'homies' away, demon, I think they'd probably come in handy right about now, don't you think?"

Satan glanced around him, taking stock of the thousands and thousands of ravenous Unseelie around him, shrieking with hate and clawing at the air, desiring nothing more than his demise. Satan grinned, not in the least bit concerned. "What, that's it? _That's_ all you got, dawg?" He threw back his head and laughed long and loud. "Bwahahahahahahaha…ahahahahahaha…hooo…heh. Yeah, that's really funny."

"What?!" snarled Oberon.

"C'mon, dawg, you underestimate me! Again! Ha, good thing I'm here to punish you for stealin' all that magic, looks to me like you don't have the slightest idea what to do with all the power you've got! Let me show you how we do it down under!"

"Get him!" roared Oberon. Howling for Satan's blood, the Unseelie eagerly surged forward to annihilate the foolish demon that had angered their master so.

They didn't last five seconds. It only took three quarters of that time for Satan to kill them all. All he had to do was drive his trident into the ground, and a tremendous wave of fire pulsed out from him, consuming the hapless Unseelie in its nuclear blaze and reducing all of them to ashes. Satan yawned as wind stirred the charred remains and blew them away. "That it?"

Oberon was astonished. "Im…impossible!"

Satan chuckled. "Surprised to hear you say that, sucka. As a magical being, I thought you would know by now…nothing's impossible! Allow me to demonstrate!" He spread his arms and a glowing spell-seal formed underneath him, a giant pentagram the most distinctive feature. In seven smaller circles surrounding the big one with the pentagram were the astrological symbols for Saturn, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Mercury, the Moon, and the Sun. "Now, you might not think I can get any more badass or powerful than I already am, right? Well, sucker, I'd say you're wrong! By combining my power with that of my homies the seven Sin Demons, I'll become the biggest, most badass mothafucka alive!"

"Then I shall simply defeat you before you can do that," Oberon growled. "Holyra!" He let loose a much more powerful blast of holy light at the ruler of Hell.

"Hey, thanks man, that's just what I needed!" The Sun symbol on the spell-seal lit up, and to Oberon's surprise, his Holyra spell diverted around Satan and instead flowed right into the glowing circle, energy flowing from it to all the other symbols and causing the whole spell to light up with an evil glow.

"What?! How did you-" Oberon started.

"My homie Lucifer, Demon of Pride, has power over light!" Satan explained. "So you could say he's a bit of a, heh, 'holy demon.' Since I'm tapping into Lucifer's power to fight you, that means I could use his control of light to transform your Holyra attack into an energy form I can utilize to complete my spell!" The light from the spell-seal grew in radiance and intensity, becoming rather painful and garish to gaze upon. Darkness began swirling around the spell, shadows (actual ones, not the Heartless, who had gone somewhere else) rushing from all over Dark City to heed their master's call. The shadows came together around the periphery of the circle and started coalescing, rising up in a swelling mass to envelop Satan and blot out the spell's light. The darkness continued to gather in on itself, clotting and thickening as it grew higher and higher in a swirling pillar of blackest night.

"Do you think this will frighten me?" taunted Oberon. "You are not the only one with power over darkness! Thanks to absorbing Maleficent, Riku, Xehanort, Nosimono, and many other users of dark magic, I can also put on such paltry displays of shadow puppetry!" He demonstrated by gathering shadows to him as well, and causing them to rise up and form an effigy of Satan, which he promptly destroyed with a stomp of his foot. "I can destroy your overdone dark cocoon just as easily!" He drew back a fist, burning with purple-black flame, and thrust it at the still-growing pillar of darkness. To his surprise, yet again, his fist could not penetrate the shadows. They bent a little under the pressure of his blow, and then rebounded, pushing back against Oberon's fist and causing him to stumble back. "Wh-what?!"

"Hohohoho! Dawg, there's something you gotta learn. You may have power over regular ol' darkness, maybe even Heartless darkness, and power over light too," Satan's voice boomed from inside the growing tower of darkness as it reached Oberon's height. "But there are powers in this universe greater than darkness and light. Powers that make your wimpy Fae magic look like a two-bit stage show. And no matter how much magic you've absorbed, or think you can absorb, you have yet to even _scratch_ the surface of _real_ power." The shadows pulsed with his laughter. "The same kind of power…that you're about to face."

Noticing the darkness was slowing in its ascent, Oberon took a step back, half-expecting the pillar of shadow to burst outward and reveal whatever monstrous new form Satan had taken. He was surprised yet again when, rather than shattering, the dark pillar itself began to transform, its amorphous black form changing and flowing to create Satan's giant new body. Most of its mass shifted from the bottom to the top, rising upward and condensing to form a single immense ovular black orb. "Can you defeat…pure evil?"

Four limbs emerged from the surface of the orb, two on either side, growing and hardening to create two pairs of extremely muscular black limbs ending in strong claws, the top pair having just three digits while the lower two were a bit slenderer and had five, each of which was burning with dark flames.

The front of the orb condensed and compacted, becoming less amorphous and more humanoid, forming a torso whose features and musculature were twisted into the likeness of a gruesome demonic skull with interlocking fangs and glowing eyes around where the pectorals should be. This visage was revealed to be more than just a likeness as the skull's jaws opened with a sulfuric hiss, revealing a great inferno burning within the darkness from which screams of horrific pain and agony came forth. The surface of this furnace churned and suddenly burst outward, the flames mixing with shadow and solidifying to form the head and neck of a horrific unholy dragon-snake with spines jutting from its back and eyes and jaws dripping with the fires of Hell. The serpent twisted through the air, snapping at Oberon's face and causing him to recoil, before rearing back and wrapping itself around the forming giant's upper-right arm, fusing partly with the back of that arm's hand.

The underside of the orb bulged downwards, splitting apart and extruding six long, multi-jointed legs like those of a spider's, covered in nasty-looking barbs and spines. The clawed tips of the legs touched down, scraping and clawing at the devastated street, their every contact with the ground throwing up a small cloud of darkness.

The large formless bulge remaining on the back of the dark torso shrunk inwards, some of its mass growing off to the sides while the rest sunk into the unfinished demon ruler's back and started developing features. The offshoots of darkness out growing from the back continued to lengthen and take form, and Oberon for a moment thought that they were going to be another set of insectoid legs like the ones supporting the abomination. He was proven wrong once more when the new appendages violently shook and caused the darkness covering them to fragment and dissipate, revealing six incredibly beautiful angelic wings of light, their radiance illuminating Dark City and contrasting nicely with the utter blackness of the giant's body. The light element clearly present in the wings confused Oberon for a moment, until he recalled what Satan had told him of Lucifer, whose power was being drawn upon just like that of the other seven Sin demons, and supposed it made some sense for wings like that to manifest.

Finally, the head began to form, rising up from the top of the torso like a blister of darkness that rapidly began to take on distinct features. At the same time, another transformation of sorts was underway on the dark being's back, the leftover darkness being put to work to add more unique characteristics to its master's rear. Amazingly, an _entire second torso_, somewhat smaller than the one on the front, was growing from Satan's back, in between the wings of light. The second torso came complete with its own face, growing right on the back of the dark being's head. By this point, the face on the front of the head had finished forming, becoming a grotesque demonic visage with burning red eyes, a lantern jaw with huge protruding tusks and fangs rising in front of a fiery maw, a pair of gold-capped bull-like horns growing from the side of its head over small pointed ears with gold earrings dangling from them, a second pair of curved horns growing up from the forehead, and…a giant rainbow-colored afro to top it all off. (It wouldn't be Satan without the 'do.)

The face and second torso growing from Satan's back were a stark contrast to the demon Overlord's front. The darkness had receded from them once this second 'body' was finished, revealing pale white skin rather than the pure darkness-made-solid black comprising the rest of Satan's flesh. The torso was also clearly female, rather than Satan's more masculine chest, made clear by its incredibly curvy and shapely form as well as its exceptionally well-endowed breasts. The face growing from the back of Satan's head was a perfect match for this second torso, as white as he was black, and as lovely as he was ghastly, with features rather like those of a human female…except, of course, that no human female could possibly be that beautiful. Short black hair framed this face, growing separately from Satan's big rainbow afro, and a pair of small curved horns grew up from its (her?) forehead.

"Whoooaaaahhhh yeah!" Satan boomed, stretching all four of his arms, his black (and white) form pulsating with power. "Haven't had this much strength in a while…feels good!"

"I'm glad," Oberon said sarcastically. "Am I supposed to be afraid?"

"Hell yes."

"I'm not."

"You should be, dawg."

"Regardless, I'm not. You're hideous, yes, and I suppose a few weak-minded mortals may find you frightening, but I do not," Oberon sniffed. "I am above such things."

"Dawg, you so full of shit you should be brown instead of blue," Satan said. "I'm gonna enjoy taking you to the curb. Oh, hold up one sec, I feel kinda naked here." He snapped the fingers on one of his lower arms, and suddenly he was wearing some rudimentary 'bling', dozens of heavy gold bracers wrapped around his arms studded with gemstones, jewels glittering from every scale on the hell-serpent wrapped around his upper-right arm, gold caps and jeweled bands interspersed between the barbs on his spider legs, gold rings on each of his fingers, a very wide gold collar big enough to fit around both his 'necks', and several gold chains and necklaces draped over both his chests (meaning the one on the back, too) with various religious signs, pentagrams, astrological symbols, and other mystical sigils dangling from them. Both breasts of the female torso were cradled by serpentine gold cables whose tips were 'nibbling' her nipples. As a final touch, he conjured a pair of extra-large shades and placed them over his glowing red eyes. "Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

"_Now_ are you ready?" Oberon asked, somewhat exasperated.

Satan shrugged. "Sure thing, dawg. You know, you really gotta learn some patience. Weird, ain't it, how so many immortals, the guys with all the time on their hands, are the ones who most often act like it's bein' wasted…" He glanced around. "Hmm, this place is a little too crowded for a match between guys as maxi-sized as us, know what I mean? Let's take this fight somewhere where we got a little more elbow room. Beyond the atmosphere work for you?"

"I see no problem with that," Oberon said, crossing his arms and glad that they were finally going to get moving.

Satan grinned, showing off his fangs and tusks. "Okay then," he boomed, spreading his radiant wings. "Let's get this show on the road!" The Fae lord and the master of Hell rose into the air, ready to battle among the stars. Or they would have if there were any stars nearby. Which there weren't. But it sounded better than saying they were going to battle in the big black lightless void, so…

…

"Wow," said Sora as they all watched Satan and Oberon vanish into the sky.

_Dude, that guy stopped the battle in space, made all the Heartless and Nobodies go away, wiped out a huge number of Unseelie with a single attack, and then turned into a giant monster. Not to mention how he sent Oberon _flying_ with a single punch at his regular size!_ An amazed Roxas said. _I really, really hope we never have to fight that guy, because he will probably tear us apart. But, knowing our luck, it's going to happen anyway._ Sora sighed and nodded in agreement.

"Gawrsh, where'd they go?" Goofy asked.

"To find somewhere less crowded to fight, o' course," Pete said knowingly. "My father-in-law wouldn't want to wreck the city anymore than it's already been wrecked by wiping the floor with Oberon, so he's gonna do it where he doesn't have to worry as much about collateral damage."

"He's that concerned about the welfare of the city?" an interested Arthur asked.

"Well, he's kind of fond of it, but it's really more about him not wanting to get yelled at by Maleficent for blowing up her new planet," Pete explained.

"Hey, do you think that now that the space battle's stopped we can get help from all the guys in orbit?" Sora asked.

Montblanc shook his head. "Unfortunately not, kupo. A significant number of our ships and weapons were heavily damaged in all the fighting; they need to make repairs before they can be of any help to us down here. The same is no doubt true of all the other space-faring delegates represented up there, kupo."

Goofy nodded in agreement. "The most we could do right now is ask for more reinforcements, but right now I'm not sure we really need them, a-hyuck, other than some specialists who know how to work with high-tech stuff and get this here castle running again."

"It should not be too hard, especially since I'm going as well," said Shere Khan. "I programmed my company's entire mainframe from scratch, I don't think it should be too much of a problem hacking into and reactivating the systems for an entire castle. Or perhaps it will be a challenge, in which case I greatly look forward to it."

"You run a multibillion-munny business, have incredible martial arts skills, _and_ are a high-level computer programmer?!" asked an amazed Sora. "Is there anything you can't do?"

"I'm also a fairly decent pilot, although I admit I am not the best there is…yet," Khan told him, folding his arms. "I can cook, too. I was raised to believe that a true man should be proficient in as many fields and skills as he possibly can be, so he will be ready for any situation. A great warrior and hunter should be ready to use any weapon available to him, no matter what the circumstance, and while I am an economist by trade I am no less a predator than my ancestors were."

"Ah," said Sora. "Neat."

"All right, everyone," Merlin announced suddenly, straightening up from the diagram he had been drawing on the floor in salt. "All preparations are complete. Now that Oberon's distracted by his fight with Satan, I can summon the portal which will allow Sora's party to get inside him."

"Excellent, old friend," said a pleased Arthur.

"About time," grunted Pete.

Goofy nodded. "Right, now we can go save Their Majesties, Donald, and everyone else too!"

"Is this going to be a complicated spell?" Sora asked Merlin.

"Not so much so, now that I've set everything in order. Now I just need to say the magic words…" Merlin drew his wand and started gesturing at the salt diagram. "Abra-kadabra and Timbuktu, summon the doorway that they'll step through!" The salt ignited in a flash of light, burning a pattern into the ground and generating a cloud of smoke which solidified to form a pair of plain white double doors leading to nowhere. "The rest is up to you, Sora. I can create the doorway, but you'll need to open it yourself. I cannot, due to the terms of my contract with Oberon."

"No problem," Sora said. "That's what I have a giant key for, right?" He hesitated. "Um, Merlin…that keychain Satan gave me…is it safe?"

"I honestly have no idea," Merlin said with a sigh. "I sense a strange power within it…but I cannot tell if it is for good or ill. The workings of the magic behind the Keyblades are complex beyond my wildest imaginings; I don't have the first clue about what makes them tick. I'm afraid the only way to find out the effects of that keychain are to, well, try it out for yourself."

Sora sighed. "Yeah, that's what I figured…"

_Oh well, _said Roxas. _Nothing we can do. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, huh? _Agreeing with his brother, Sora decided he should deal with the present situation first before worrying about demonic curses. He summoned his Keyblade, pointed it at the door, and prepared to unlock it.

"Whoa, hold on!" Pete said. "Don't do anything hasty…before you open that there door, shouldn't we do a last-minute check to make sure we got everything we need? Don't want to enter the body of a giant blue magic-absorbing guy unprepared, after all."

"Gawrsh, Pete's got a point," Goofy agreed.

Shere Khan nodded. "It is a foolish hunter who walks into the den of his prey unprepared."

"No harm in double-checking, kupo," Montblanc agreed.

"Well, let's see," Merlin said. "I've provided all three of you with iron charms similar to the ones King Mickey originally had made to protect you from Oberon's brand of magic."

"That means he can't cast any nasty ol' spells on us, right?" Goofy asked.

Merlin nodded. "Yes…and no. It means he can't cast any of _his_ kind of spells. However, since he is now able to draw on multiple different sources of magic, that means he can still utilize all sorts of dangerous spells of different varieties against you. Fortunately, I've also cast a few spells of protection and given you a talisman or two to protect you from the brunt of the magic he is now capable of throwing at you. Be forewarned, though, this protection will not make you completely invulnerable to his mystical arsenal. At the most, my spells and charms will keep you from being instantly killed by some of the more complex and nasty instant-death spells he could level at you, or be affected by one of the many possible status-change enchantments he no doubt knows, as well as keep you from being changed into something else by a spell of transformation. More basic spells and curses can still harm you, albeit on a more reduced level than usual. However, that doesn't mean _they_ can't kill you in high doses, and you must not forget he has no qualms with resorting to fisticuffs if magic proves ineffective."

"I think I can handle that," Sora said.

_Definitely,_ Roxas agreed.

"Yeah, we've had plenty of experience with 'fisticuffs', a-hyuck!" Goofy added.

"I have also sewn on a button to Sora's magical clothes which is enchanted to keep him from being affected by the Crystal of Ix," Merlin continued. "I have cast similar enchantments over the gifts I gave to Pete and Goofy so that the spells I've used on them do not in turn make them vulnerable to the Crystal. I think that covers everything, doesn't it?"

"Sounds like it to me," Sora said.

"Guess we're all set, then," Goofy said.

"Oh, wait!" Pete said, getting an idea. "Hold on a minute." He walked over to the petrified Goliath and gripped the handle of the enraged Gargoyle's nano-enhanced mace. Merlin had cast a Hastega spell on the Gargoyles (claiming Stona wouldn't work, since they hadn't been magically petrified) to accelerate their biological clocks and make them wake from their 'stone sleep' sooner, but the hour of awakening was still some time to come. "You don't—ugh—think he'll--grunt—mind if I borrow this, do you—oof!" With a great heave, he managed to wrench the mace out of Goliath's claws, nearly falling over from the force of his tug. "Oberon's still weak to iron, last time I checked, and this doohickey here's made of it…can't hurt to take it with us, right?"

"It is always a wise strategy to bring a type of poison or weapon you know your prey will succumb to while on the hunt," Khan agreed. "Some hunters see it as weakness, exploitative, and dishonorable. I do not."

"Merlin?" Arthur asked, glancing at the wizard.

"Yes, there should be no harm in bringing that with you…as long as that's _all_ you take," Merlin warned Pete. "Remember, you're going inside Oberon's body, and you _must not_ do anything while you're in there that could lead to his death. If you take too much iron in, it will pollute his bloodstream and most certainly kill him!"

"That's a bad thing?" Pete asked, walking back over, mace hefted over his shoulder.

"Yes, because if _you_ kill him it could cause a critical imbalance in the universe," Merlin warned. "It's Satan's job to kill Oberon, not yours. Your mission is to release his hostages and free the conflicting magic trapped within him before it tears Oberon, and a good part of the cosmos, apart!"

"Oh, right," Pete grumbled.

Seeing that the trio was about to depart, many of their friends and allies around the room wandered over to say their farewells and wish them luck.

"Good luck to you all," the Sultan said, bowing his head.

"Bring Belle and the others back to us," Adam said to Sora.

"We entrust all our hopes in you, Wielder of the Keyblade," the Emperor said, bowing to Sora. Mulan, Shang, and his guards quickly followed suit, making Sora feel very embarrassed.

"I have no idea who you are and have never seen you before today…but good luck, pardner," Woody said to the group, pushing his hat back on his head.

"Good luck rescuing everyone," Kuzco told them. "But feel free to leave Yzma behind, if she's too much trouble."

"Awwww, but Emperor-guy…." Kronk whined.

Kuzco rolled his eyes. "Oh, fine, whatever."

"We know you can save Jack and everybody else," Sally said.

"I'd help," the Mayor of Halloweentown said. "But I'm just an elected official!"

"Best wishes to all of you," said Waternoose.

"Go defeat that monster so I can get my brother back…and kill him!" said King Richard, causing Robin Hood to wince.

"Kupo! The Trade Federation is behind youse one hundred percent…by which I mean in spirit, not in actuality, since we can't go in there with youse," Montblanc said.

"You have all our hopes, and our blessing," said Basch.

"I'd shake your hands, but I don't think you'd like it," Ultros said. "People always say my grip is clammy. And slimy, too."

"May the puck be with you," Grin of the Mighty Ducks told them.

"Don't die!" Dave the pathetic Barbarian sobbed…pathetically.

"You'll do incredible, we just know it!" said Mr. Incredible.

"I wish I could go with you…but since I cannot, godspeed!" Arthur said.

"If you die, don't worry, we'll take Oberon to court for manslaughter!" Phoenix said…not exactly encouragingly.

"Uh, thanks?" said a confused Sora.

"Dad…I mean, Captain Goofy…we all know you'll do great!" Max told his father.

Goofy smiled and took his son's hand. "I know you'll do the same, Knight-in-training Maxie!"

"Don't screw up," the villains almost uniformly told Pete.

"Okay, okay! God," Pete grumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Dad, good luck in there," PJ told his father. "I don't really like the side you're on, or that the person you're going in to save is Maleficent…but the fact that you're going in at all, to save everyone, even if you don't really want to, means a lot to me. It's an, well, almost heroic thing to do!"

Pete grimaced. "Ohhh, don't use that adjective to describe me! You'll make me look bad in front of the guys!"

"Oh, dad…" PJ hugged his father, despite Pete's halfhearted protests that the boy was embarrassing him in front of all his 'friends'. Somehow, though, he didn't really care that the villains were indeed laughing at him. Screw them all, how many of them had a kid as great as PJ, huh?

Sora smiled at everyone, wiping away a single tear. (Amazingly, Roxas had been the one to shed it.) "Everyone…guys…thanks. You're all the best." He nodded firmly. "I give you my word we're going to get everyone back…and teach Oberon a lesson he's never gonna forget!"

"Yeah, that blue punk's gonna regret messin' with us!" Pete roared, raising his borrowed mace into the air.

"YEAH!" was the almost unanimous cry that went up from everyone, all of their differences and rivalries temporarily swept away by the unified desire to see the Fae lord punished for his crimes.

"The door is ready," Merlin told Sora. "Are you ready to go through? Once you pass this threshold, there's no turning back."

Sora smirked. "Heh, how many times have we heard that before? Yeah, we're definitely ready! There's no way we're turning back!"

_Got that right!_ Roxas agreed. _Let's show that elf who's boss!_

Merlin nodded. "As I thought. You may proceed." He stepped out of the way as Sora moved closer to the door, then pointed his Keyblade at it.

"Keyhole…unseal!" Motes of light gathered at the tip of his Keyblade, forming a transparent swirling energy ball. The front of the double doors, just above the two handles, glowed and transformed into a large, gaping keyhole. Sora tightened his grip and focused his will at the Keyhole, causing a pencil-thin beam of blue light to shoot from the ball at the tip of his Keyblade and penetrate the darkness of the keyhole, sending a small blue halo rippling outwards just before it entered the yawning orifice. The beam faded, there was a loud 'click' like the sound of something unlocking, and then the doors swung open silently on their hinges. Rather than showing the large stained-glass window Merlin had broken to let everyone see what Oberon was doing to Dark City, the space framed by the open doors revealed a tunnel of swirling light going off into the distance for what seemed like forever. Sora's hair rustled as a vacuum formed, air getting sucked into the portal from the chapel to somewhere else.

_And so we've opened another door to elsewhere,_ Roxas commented. _Wonder how many more we'll have to deal with in our lifetime…_

"So, that's it, huh?" Pete said, squaring his jaw. "We gotta go in there, and we'll wind up inside Oberon?"

Goofy nodded. "Yup, that's how doors like this work. Trust me, I've been through plenty of 'em."

"Then let's go and mess that jerk up!" Pete roared, waving his mace into the air.

"Disney troops!" Max barked. "Get in formation! Let's give Captain Goofy, Sora, and Pete a proper send-off!"

"Uh, Max, you can't give that order, you're just a knight-in-training," PJ pointed out. Max glared at him.

However, the other soldiers seemed to agree that an occasion such as this merited a proper send-off, so they got in parade-ground formation and saluted the trio, the company buglers playing the Disney national anthem (otherwise known as the Mickey Mouse Club song). Not wanting to be left out, the other organized military units in the chapel joined in by saluting and playing their own anthems, Shang's troops playing an old Chinese song honoring the Emperor and the heroes of their country, the Trade Federation army offering a fluted version of the 'Chocobo Theme', the Knightmon singing something in binary, the Dalmascans and Archadians competing to see who could sing their national anthem the loudest and drown out their rivals' anthem, and other such patriotic melodies, some done better than others. (The Mayor's attempt to sing the Halloween Song was rather dreadful.) Even Arthur chipped in by giving an outstanding rendition of 'God Save the Queen,' (Some might argue that that was an anachronism, since it had been written for a Britain that had not existed in his original time, but he didn't really care.) which made King Richard fume, since he couldn't sing. Robin Hood and his Merry Men made up for it, though, with one of their bawdy anti-establishment and –Prince John songs.

His heart swelling from all the goodwill and faith filling the room, Sora saluted everyone. Goofy adjusted Sora's arm so he was doing it properly instead of looking like a fool, and then saluted himself. Pete grudgingly did it as well, but only to recognize his son, not because he honored any of the armed forces or people there.

And with that, the songs and hopes of all these people from different worlds and nationalities at their backs, the unlikely trio turned and stepped through the open gateway and into the beyond. The doors softly swung shut behind them and vanished in a shimmering curtain of blue light, taking the three heroes with it.

Merlin sighed and shook his head. "Sora…Goofy…Pete…all our hopes rest on your shoulders now. It's all up to you."

…

"It is indeed," the shorter armored male said, looking into the keyhole-shaped pool. "Let us hope he does not fail."

"He will not," the taller male said, as always. "He is the One. He will prevail."

"What of his companions?" the other male asked. "I trust Goofy, but Pete…"

"He is motivated by love and by revenge," the female said. "He will not betray Sora, if that is what you are afraid of. It would serve no purpose for him to do so. After all, Sora is the only one who can release the power Oberon has stolen. He has no choice but to help Sora if he is to rescue his bride-to-be. And aside from that…he knows his son would never forgive him if he undertook such a treasonous act. And so for now, he can be trusted."

"Yes," the shorter male said darkly. "For now."

"I have a different concern," the female continued. "That keychain Satan gave to Sora…it may indeed prove very useful to him, but…"

"It is cursed," the tallest finished. "And may deliver the Chosen Keybearer right into the Devil's claws."

"What?!" said the shorter male in alarm. "Then…then we must do something! We cannot allow him to be corrupted so!"

"No," the tallest agreed. "We cannot. However, for the moment, we can do nothing but watch, and wait. An opportunity shall arise in due course that will allow us to act."

"How can you speak so calmly of such grave matters?!" the shorter male demanded. "This interference on Satan's part could ruin everything!"

"I speak so calmly because I believe that Satan's plan will fail and that we will be able to help the Chosen Keybearer before it is too late," The tallest explained. "This belief springs from my faith in the Light, and in the One. Sora is too important for the continued existence of the universe to be corrupted or to die. Destiny itself will not allow it."

"Destiny," the female said bitterly. "The same destiny that caused Xehanort to become the monster he is, the destiny that…" She glanced at the shorter male furtively, and then looked away. "That killed us?"

"If we had not died, we would not be where we are now," the tallest said. "With the power we currently possess."

"Yes, the power that is absolutely useless thanks to all the rules and restrictions binding us," the shorter male said angrily.

"If we had not died then, we would be in no position to help Sora now," the tallest pointed out. "For we would have died of old age long before his birth, or been too old to be of any use to him in the present."

"If we had not died, we might have been able to prevent the series of events which _necessitated_ his birth!" the shorter male retorted.

"I do not claim to understand the ways of Fate," the tallest armored figure admitted. "All I know is that Sora was not born so that he could serve evil."

"Then what of the other prophecy?" argued the female. "That the Keybearer may destroy worlds rather than save them?"

"Why do you think Roxas was ever allowed to come into being?" the taller male asked.

There was a moment of silence as his companions processed this. "Then…I see. Sora was split in two in the first place to fulfill both prophecies? Fascinating…" mused the female.

"But now that Sora is one again, does that mean the prophecy of destruction has been negated? Or could it come to pass once more if the two should separate once more?" asked the shorter male.

The tallest shrugged, unworried. "I do not know that, either. But I suppose we shall learn the answer to that question eventually as well. Until then, all we can do is watch…and wait."

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

Thankfully, this chapter was shorter than the last one by a small margin. I'm sure you're all relieved about that.

Once again, I'm going to have to put off the next bit of the adventures on Destiny Islands, but I'm sure you can wait a little longer, can't you?

Next time, witness the intense battles between giant robot and giant monster, as well as the epic showdown between the Master of Evil and the Lord of the Third Race! And during all this, Sora and his team must journey through Oberon's innards to end the threat of the Crystal of Ix once and for all. Will he prevail? As the armored one said, you'll just have to wait and see!


	11. Flushed Away

We interrupt the expected really awesome series of giant monster fights for this important intermission. Figured it was about time we checked in on the Destiny Islands gang, so that's what we're gonna do. We'll get back to Sora's fight next chapter.

Or _will_ we?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this chapter. The Toilenator, on the other hand…and the Devil owns himself. 'Nuff said.

…

When last we left the Gullwings and their guardians, they were locked in combat with Leblanc's giant mechanical toilet, transformed magically from Ormi's personal toilet named 'Betsy.' The group had been fighting for a few minutes now, but so far, their attacks didn't seem to be doing much damage to the giant mecha.

"This is ridiculous! Not even Auron's sword can make a scratch on that thing!" Tidus said in frustration.

"This is rather humiliating…" muttered Auron. "I can't break a toilet…how shameful."

"What's that thing made of, ya?" wondered Wakka as his thrown Blitzball rebounded off the Toilenator's hull.

"Yuna, I don't suppose you have a spell to fry this thing?" Paine asked.

Yuna shook her head as she reloaded her guns. "Sorry, I'm still pretty drained from that big combo move we did on Yiazmat. If it weren't for that, we could probably smash this thing with our dresspheres…but at the moment, we still haven't recovered enough to use them. The strain on our bodies could be very hazardous."

"Aw man, this sucks!" whined Rikku, looking at how chipped her daggers were from their inability to cut into the Toilenator's body.

"Ormi, what _is_ this thing made of?" Logos asked his fat friend.

Ormi smirked. "Triple-reinforced titanium, with an orichalcum finish!"

"…Why on Fairyworld would you need a toilet made of triple-reinforced titanium with an orichalcum finish?!"

"Well…" Ormi blushed. "Let's just say that I needed something strong enough to support me. Sometimes, when I need to go, I get really-"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Logos screamed, clutching his ears.

"Okay, you twerps, get ready for the PAIN!" Leblanc shrieked madly, powering up her giant robot toilet. "You've had your shot, now it's our turn!" She cackled as the Toilenator's lid flipped open and it began firing flaming rolls of toilet paper at the heroes.

"This is REALLY messed-up, ya!" Wakka cried as they danced about to avoid the fiery projectiles. "What's next, flaming bags of poo?!"

"Don't give it any ideas," Paine snapped.

"Never in all my years have I fought an opponent like this," Auron said. "And I'm rather glad of that, honestly…"

"C'mon, brudda, don't get flushed by that thing!" Chappu yelled to his brother from the sidelines.

"You could help us out, you know!" Wakka yelled at him.

"What are you, crazy, mon? That's a giant toilet!" Chappu replied.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed, running around in circles.

"No," Yuna said firmly, taking careful aim with one of her pistols. "We're not!" She fired, the bullet flying true through the air and precisely piercing the Toilenator's single eye. It bellowed in pain and thrashed about, water splashing out of its mouth as it clutched its damaged eyeball.

"Nice shot, Yunie!" Rikku complimented her cousin.

"RRRGGGHHH…DIE, YOU LITTLE RODENTS!" Leblanc screamed from the cockpit. The Toiletron recovered and flailed its arms out, several bolts of red lightning shooting out from its left hand and zapping the good guys.

"Aaaaggghhh!" Tidus cried, thrown back to the sand by the electric blast. "Ow…"

"What the hell…is a toilet…doing with a lightning attack, anyway?!" growled Paine.

"Wahahahaha! Take some more, if you like it so much!" Leblanc cackled, firing more red lightning.

"Oh shit," Rikku groaned.

Fortunately, Auron was on top of things. He drove his sword into the ground and hopped out of the way as the lightning bolts converged on his blade and sank into the sand, grounded by the sword's 'lightning rod' effect. "Hey, nice going!" Tidus complimented the dead man. "Where'd you learn how to do that?"

"When you pass through the Lightning Plains enough times, you learn a thing or two about how to divert electricity," Auron said with a casual shrug.

"Lightning Plains?" asked a confused Yuna, who thought that sounded just the slightest bit familiar. "What're those?"

"A barren plain where lightning strikes constantly and the sun never shines," Auron explained. "I'm not sure what causes such an odd atmospheric effect; just that it's been like that for over a thousand years. Or was the last time I was there. Before I…got lost and wound up in this universe, some people had erected towers to divert the lightning strikes from travelers so that people could cross the Plains in relative safety. I say 'relative', because hostile monsters still roamed about the place…"

"So you learned about grounding electricity from those lightning rods?" Paine asked.

"No, I learned that from watching one of my companions constantly get hit by lightning because he was taller than everyone else, had a horn, and was carrying a big spear everywhere," Auron explained.

"What does being tall and carrying a spear have to do with anything?" asked a confused Tidus.

"Lightning tends to hit the tallest object in a flat area, and the lightning towers weren't operational back then, so…" Auron trailed off.

"Ah."

"Well, good thing we're so small then!" Rikku said.

"Ah, Rikku? We fly," Paine pointed out. "So we'd actually be _more_ vulnerable to lightning than most people."

Rikku blinked. "Oh."

"Hey! HEY! WHAT DO YOU ASSHOLES THINK YOU'RE DOING?! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST STAND THERE TALKING AND IGNORE ME?! DIE!" Leblanc screamed, launching more flaming toilet paper rolls at the group.

"Hey, I just thought of something," said a surprised Ormi.

"Oh? What is it?" asked Logos skeptically; not really believing his oafish partner could get any thoughts of his own.

"Where'd that lady go? You know, the one who blew up our ship and left us stranded here?" Ormi asked.

"Oh, I'm right here," Darlene Hikari said from behind Ormi.

"Oh, good," said Ormi. There was a pause. His eyes widened, as did everyone else's. "Oh shit."

"HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!" Leblanc screamed, whirling around in her seat. Logos quickly jumped behind his chair and pointed a gun at the human woman. Darlene reacted to this by lunging forward and wrapping her arms around the front of the seat, pinning Ormi in place while holding a bowie knife to his throat.

"Oh, I climbed up the back and snuck in while everyone else kept you distracted," Darlene explained cheerfully. "Now, either shut this thing down and surrender or I'll rip off your friend's wings."

"You wouldn't!" hissed a horrified Logos.

"Oh, I would. Wouldn't I?" She pressed the knife point into Ormi's sweaty flesh.

"AAAAHHH! SHE WOULD, SHE WOULD! SHE AIN'T BLUFFING! DO WHAT SHE SAYS!" Ormi wailed, wetting himself in terror.

"I can shoot you," Logos said warningly.

"Not without shooting him too," Darlene pointed out, ducking her head behind Ormi's chair and out of the fairy's line of fire. "And you can't hit me with anything else you have without hitting him too. Surrender or I tear his wings off."

"DO IT, GUYS! I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY WINGS! THEN I'D HAVE TO WALK EVERYWHERE!" Ormi howled.

Logos hesitated, and then glanced at Leblanc. "Boss? What should we do?"

Leblanc glared hatefully at Darlene for a moment…but then her face twisted into a gruesomely evil expression of amusement. "'We,' Logos? 'We' do nothing…"

"BOSS!" screamed Ormi.

"What _I'm_ going to do," Leblanc said, pressing a button on her control panel. "Is activate Ormi's ejection seat."

"What?" said a startled Darlene.

"BOSS, NO!" screamed Ormi as the chair he was sitting on started to rumble. Before Darlene could let go or Ormi could get off, a giant spring in the floor uncoiled violently, launching the seat into the air, out a hatch in the ceiling, and onto the sand outside.

Leblanc cackled gleefully. "Bye-bye, you horrible human filth!"

"Boss! Ormi was still on that!" Logos said in alarm.

"Oh, he'll be fine," Leblanc said carelessly. "Now, let's SQUASH SOME STINKING APES! And fairies, too."

The group outside quickly ran over to the broken seat lying on the beach nearby. Ormi was buried upside-down in the sand, his feet wiggling in the air, and Darlene was sitting nearby, a bit dazed and trying to get her bearings. "Ms. Hikari! Are you all right?" asked a concerned Wakka.

"Oh, I'll be fine," Darlene reassured them, wobbling a little as she used the broken ejection seat to lever herself up and back onto her feet. "Just…give me a sec…"

"I don't think we have a second. Move!" Auron said, grabbing Darlene and pulling her out of the way as the Toilenator launched a volley of flaming toilet paper rolls right at them.

"This is really gross," Tidus commented, deflecting a roll with his sword. Yuna blasted others to pieces with her guns, while Paine simply sliced any that got near her to pieces.

"Well, at least it's just _paper_ they're throwing at us," commented Rikku, who had been hiding behind Tidus since she didn't really want to get near the flaming rolls. "Instead of all the hundred other nasty things you could probably find in there!"

"Are you all right?" Auron asked Darlene once they had gotten out of range of the toilet paper rolls, noticing that she was hunched over.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm fine," she said, straightening up and showing him a handhold controller she had taken out of one of the compartments on her outfit. "I was just getting my detonator."

Auron blinked. "Detonator?"

Darlene nodded. "Yes, the one that will cause the charges I planted on the exterior of the Toilenator while I was climbing it to go off. I put one in the cockpit, too. With any luck, the explosions should be enough to finish this thing off."

"Ah," said Auron as Darlene keyed in a command sequence on her device then activated the trigger signal which would activate the bombs. The Toilenator shook as the small limpet mines Darlene had planted on its ankles, knees, shoulders, and back exploded simultaneously, rocking the giant robot and throwing up huge clouds of dust and smoke. Surprisingly, the ejector seat Darlene and Ormi had been booted out of the robot in exploded as well, startling everyone and blasting Ormi out of the sand and into the air, sending him in a wailing arc right into the midst of the smoke cloud engulfing the Toilenator.

"Whoops," Darlene said sheepishly. "I thought I put the bomb on the _other_ seat. My bad."

"Well, that was still pretty cool," said Paine loyally.

"Do you think that finished it off?" asked Tidus.

"No," said Darlene honestly.

She was right. The smoke faded, revealing that the Toilenator was still standing. It was, however, visibly damaged by Darlene's bombs. There were some new cracks and dents in its surface, which was already charred and pitted from reentry. Its joints were creaking and smoke and water was leaking from a number of fissures in the robot's hull. It also seemed to be favoring its left leg, since its right had taken more damage from the explosion and its knee now looked half-broken. Its left arm was badly damaged as well, and looked as if it might fall off if a little more damage was applied to it. Ormi, who had been plastered onto the face of the Toilenator when his seat had exploded, peeled himself off the giant toilet's front and managed to drag himself back into the mecha's cockpit.

"Well, at least you damaged it," Yuna said to Darlene.

"Yeah, and much faster than we were able to visibly hurt Yiazmat, too," Rikku pointed out. "With much less effort!"

"Then this means we can beat that thing, ya?" Wakka asked hopefully.

Auron nodded. "Possibly, yes."

"Then let's go finish that thing!" said Tidus, his confidence restored by seeing the giant robot in such a badly wounded state.

"Grrr…YOU LITTLE BRATS! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" Leblanc screamed from inside the Toilenator's cockpit, which was quite a bit damper and mustier-smelling than it had been before. Many of the pipes lining the walls and ceiling had either burst or were leaking, and funny-looking water was flooding parts of the room. Ignoring Ormi, who had just managed to crawl back into the room before collapsing and causing Logos to rush over to help him, her fingers danced at the mecha's controls, readying its next attack. Outside, with much creaking and groaning, the Toilenator raised its plunger staff and held it in both hands like a gun, pointing its rubber suction cup end at the group of heroes. After making a gesture which looked and sounded all too much like cocking an actual firearm, the Toilenator started firing dozens of smaller plungers from the end of its big plunger, sending a flurry of rapid-fire toilet-unclogging utensils flying towards the good guys.

"Oh, come on!" Wakka yelled as they started dancing and running about to avoid getting hit by the plungers. "This is even more ridiculous than the flaming toilet paper!"

"There are still worse things to have thrown at you!" Rikku pointed out, zipping erratically through the air to evade the plunger projectiles.

"Don't name them; you'll just give Leblanc ideas!" Paine cried, trying to slice a plunger flying towards her in two with her sword, only for it to get caught on the flat of her blade, affixed by the suction cup on its tip. She grimaced in annoyance and struggled to pull it off.

"Mmmph mmphmmph mmmphmmphmmmpppphhh!" Selphie shrieked unintelligibly, her voice muffled due to the plunger covering her face. Completely blind, she stumbled around in circles, bumping into things and tripping over her own feet.

"Where is that thing keeping all of its ammunition?" Darlene wondered as she casually dodged the plungers, only taking a step to the side or back, a quick duck down or hop upward, to evade the missiles. "I don't see any clips, and that staff can't possibly hold all of these rounds. Are they being fed into the launcher through the hands?"

"I don't think it's really the time to worry about such things," Auron said, deflecting a several plungers with his blade…and frowning when he saw that a number of them had gotten stuck on the flat of his sword, much like Paine's. "Let's just say that it is and leave it at that."

"Dang, there sure are a lot of these," Tidus said, shuffling back and forth across the sand to avoid the plungers…until, to his alarm, he tripped over one standing upright on the beach and started to topple over. "Whooaaa!" To his horror, as he fell, a plunger hurtled right towards him. Everything seemed to slow down as the suction cup-tipped projectile shot closer and closer to his tumbling form.

Yuna gasped as she saw this happening, also in slow motion. "Tidus, nooooooo!"

Eyes wide, Tidus could do nothing but watch in horror as the plunger struck him in the chest. His mouth gaped open, an exaggerated cry of pain ushering from his lips due to the time-expanding special effects. The force of the plunger's impact knocked him backwards in slow motion, causing him to hit the sand, bounce, and hit the sand again, throwing up a billowing cloud of dirt in the process.

Time resumed normal speed, the others gasping in horror as they saw Tidus lying prone in the sand, a plunger sticking straight up from his chest like some kind of sick flagpole. "TIDUS!" Wakka and Auron cried.

Darlene blinked. "Oh dear."

Leblanc cackled gleefully in the Toilenator's cockpit as she saw this. "Mwahahahaha! Yes! One of them is finally deaddeaddeaddead! Now I just have to kill the others!"

"Ormi, how many fingers am I holding up?" Logos asked the very dazed Ormi, still lying on the ground.

Ormi blinked dully and tried to focus on the many swirling after-images of his partner spinning before him. "Uhhhh…mommy, I don't wanna go on the pony…" His eyes crossed and he passed out again.

Everyone quickly gathered around the still body of Tidus, looking down at him in disbelief and despair. Wakka promptly burst into tears and had to be consoled by Chappu. Auron shook his head in disgust and looked away, a very bitter taste in his mouth. Paine and Rikku circled over Tidus' form in dismay. Yuna knelt in the sand next to his body, looking distraught. Darlene blinked and tilted her head, seeming more puzzled than sad. Selphie continued wandering around blindly due to the plunger on her face and ran into a tree.

"No…" wailed Wakka. "He was my best friend…my best…my best…" Unable to continue, he buried his face in his brother's shoulder and sobbed heavily.

"Tidus…" Auron whispered, shoulders sagging in despair. What was he going to tell Jecht? How could he break it to his old friend that his son had died on his watch?

"Um…y-you guys don't suppose you could…" Chappu started.

Paine shook her head. "Bring him back from the dead? We're not that kind of fairy…unfortunately…"

"What about one of those healing spells you used before?" Chappu pressed.

"Those are Yuna's specialty," Rikku said. "And right now our magic's still too exhausted from that big combo we did on Yiazmat to be of any use. At the moment, any spell we cast might do more harm than help. We may still have a healing item or two, though…" She started rummaging through her pockets to check.

"Oh, Tidus," Yuna whispered, tears running down her face. "To be taken away from us so soon, still in the bloom of your youth…I…I never even got to tell you how I felt…" She started to sob.

"Uh, Yuna, I'm all right," Tidus said, sitting up and causing everyone (except Darlene, who had suspected he was fine all along) to jump in astonishment.

"Tidus!" Wakka cried in relief, breaking free from Chappu and hugging his startled friend in joy. "You're okay, brudda!"

"Thank goodness…" said Auron, sighing gratefully.

"Waaahhh! Zombie!" screamed Rikku, hiding behind Paine, who rolled her eyes.

"Y-you're alive?!" Yuna gasped.

Tidus blinked. "Well, yeah, of course I am. I mean, it's just a _plunger_. Nothing life-threatening or anything." He grabbed the plunger in question by the handle, grunted, and managed to wrench it off his chest with a pop, leaving an impression on his shirt. "See?"

"Heh. Guess we were all teared up about nothing, huh?" Wakka said, letting go of Tidus and rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, in any event, it's good to see you're not dead."

"Yeah, same here," Yuna said in agreement.

"Yuna, what were you saying about telling Tidus how you felt?" asked Auron, causing the fairy to flush crimson and make the other two Gullwings snicker in amusement.

"Whaaaat?! He's alive?! No fair!" Leblanc screamed in rage.

"I'm alive too, boss," Ormi said weakly.

"Shut up, Ormi! Nobody cares!" She snapped at him. "All right, this has gone on long enough! Time to take it up a notch with Turbo Toilet Power!"

The Toilenator struck a stupid pose, then flipped open its lid and bent down so its toothy U-bend maw was facing the group, then reached up with one hand and pushed down on the lever its eye was growing from, causing the basin which made up its mouth to make a flushing noise, all the water inside it getting sucked down the drain. However, that wasn't all that was being sucked up. The flush was so powerful that it created a vacuum effect that began sucking up everything in the area, causing sand and rocks to be funneled into the basin and buffeting the group with winds pushing them towards the Toilenator's open mouth.

"Oh great, now we're going to get flushed down the toilet!" Wakka yelled over the roar of the vacuum, trying to stand and run from the vacuum effect, only to find himself being dragged backwards. "This potty humor's really getting out of hand, ya!"

"Well, at least we won't wind up in the sewers," Chappu pointed out. "That's something."

"No, we'll just wind up in some airless holding tank where we'll probably be crushed and suffocated under all the sand and dirt they're also sucking in," Auron said, driving his sword deep into the ground and using it as an anchor to keep from being sucked any closer to the Toilenator's mouth. "Everyone, grab on!"

They did just that. Darlene grabbed onto Auron's waist, and Chappu clung onto hers, followed by Wakka and Tidus. The fairies were hanging onto Tidus's clothes for dear life, since their tiny frames were much more susceptible to the Toilenator's vacuum than the much-larger humans. Selphie was out of range and still wandering around blindly, so she was in no danger. By clinging onto each other, and onto Auron's half-buried sword, they were able to hold their ground and keep from being sucked into the Toilenator's maw.

Leblanc was, understandably, not pleased with this. "Stupid little…why won't you just _die_ already?!" she screamed, turning up the power.

This caused the force of the suction to increase, pulling everyone off their feet and causing them to dangle out in a long shaky chain waving towards the Toilenator's mouth, nearly making them lose their grip on each other in the process. "Waaaaahhhh!" Rikku shrieked. "Selphie was right, we _are_ all gonna die!"

"The day Selphie's right about anything is the day Hell freezes over!" Tidus asserted stubbornly. "And I doubt that's happened yet!"

"Don't be so sure," Paine pointed out. "None of us has been there lately…"

"Oh crap, I don't wanna die like this!" Wakka wailed. "Flushed down a toilet! It's like my worst nightmares all over again!"

"Your worst nightmare is to be flushed down a toilet?" asked a surprised Tidus.

There was a pause. "Ah…pretend I didn't say that…" Wakka said after a moment.

"Darn, if only the kids didn't need to hang onto me," Darlene said in frustration. "Then I could let go and hurl an explosive into that thing while I was getting sucked in. But with this level of suction and our present situation, if I free even one hand to get out a bomb I could get _all_ of us killed."

"What if we climbed over you to hang onto Auron? Would that help?" Yuna asked.

Darlene shook her head. "No, that would probably cause me to lose my grip or loosen Auron's hold on his sword and cause us all to get flushed away. Don't worry, I'll think of something."

"Ah, Darlene?" Auron said anxiously. "I think we're slipping. That is to say, my _grip_ is firm as a rock…but my sword, seeing as how the ground it's buried in is nothing more than loosely packed sand, is no-" Before he could finish his sentence, his sword, the ground around it eroded away due to the vacuum, slipped free from the sand, causing the group to lose their anchorage and send the lot of them tumbling, screaming, towards the Toilenator's waiting U-bend.

But, just then…a missile rocketed across the beach and blasted the Toilenator in its side, knocking it over, nearly taking off the robot's left arm, and cutting off the suction force, dropping the heroes back onto the ground. "Whaaaat?! Who dares attack me?!" Leblanc cried shrilly.

Dazed, the group got back to their feet. "Whoa…what the heck was that, ya?" Wakka asked.

"Where'd that missile come from?" wondered Paine.

"Whoever fired it, it was just in time," said a relieved Yuna.

"I just hope it's not someone _else_ trying to kill us," Rikku said anxiously.

"I don't think so," Auron said, brushing sand off his coat and slinging his sword over his shoulder.

"Why do you say that?" asked Tidus.

Darlene smiled and pointed out to sea. "Because," she said. "The cavalry's arrived."

They looked where she was pointing and saw, much to their amazement, a small military boat some distance offshore, its missile launcher reloading a rocket to replace the one it had just fired at the Toilenator as uniformed men and women ran across its deck. A large red flag with a small overhead map of the Destiny Islands encircled by a sun-spoked ring sewn onto it along with the symbol of a blue and green planet with a sword and gun crossed over it fluttered from atop the ship's radio tower. A loud humming could be heard as hovercrafts with large fans on their rears streaked towards them from further up and down the coast, their rubbery bottoms allowing them to cross through shallow water and onto dry land with ease. This humming was droned out by the loud mechanical whirring of a helicopter flying towards them from over the jungle, its sides and wings laden with weaponry. It had the same emblems from the ship's flag painted on its fuselage. As the helicopter and hovercrafts came closer, half a dozen jeeps roared out of the jungle and crashed onto the beach, their tires kicking up sand as they drove up and screeched to a halt in a half-circle formation before the Toilenator, the hovercrafts sloshing out of the water to complete the other half. A number of soldiers, men and women ranging from their late teens to at least their fifties clad in a broad variety of combat outfits (ranging from uniform fatigues to armor made of wood, leather, and even some metal, although a few seemed to favor going almost completely nude for some odd reason) disgorged from the vehicles. They drew their weapons, which ranged from primitive tools like swords, spears, and crossbows, to modern rifles, machine guns, and rocket launchers, all of which were then aimed at the rather surprised Toilenator. Many of them were covered in the war tattoos their ancestors had worn to battle centuries ago, and all of them had a red band around their left arm with the emblem of a blue and green planet with a sword and gun crossed over it, just like the one on the helicopter and boat. They all wore this mark to show that they were part of the same group, a highly-trained civilian militia whose membership spanned the entire globe.

"Wh-what the heck?! These backwater monkeys have a fucking _army_ on their side?! Why didn't anyone tell me this?!" Leblanc shrieked.

"Don't worry, boss," Ormi wheezed. "They can't possibly destroy Ol' Betsy!"

"Who are they?" asked an astonished Yuna, amazed at how quickly these soldiers had appeared to surround the giant robot toilet.

"It's the Crusaders, ya!" Wakka said ecstatically. "Awesome! Now we got nothing to worry about!"

"I thought they were out on a mission," said the amazed Tidus.

"Oh, they were," Darlene said. "But I called them when I found Leblanc's ship and told them they needed to get here as quickly as possible to head off an alien invasion. I wonder what took them so long, though…"

"Auron, if the Crusaders are here, then that means…" Tidus started.

Auron nodded. "Right, Jecht's here as well." Tidus fidgeted, not sure how he was going to explain what he was doing there to his father. Auron turned to the Gullwings. "Yuna, Rikku, Paine, I suggest you assume those human disguises from before again. The Crusaders are (understandably) a bit paranoid when it comes to extraterrestrial visitors, so you should probably let them think you're just tourists from the mainland for the time being."

"Good idea," said Paine.

"Yuna, we may still be pretty tapped out, but I think we have enough magic to do at least that, right?" Rikku asked her cousin.

"I believe so," Yuna said. She concentrated for a moment and wiggled her nose. There were three puffs of smoke, one red, one blue, and one yellow, and abruptly the tiny pixies became larger, human-sized versions of themselves, sans the wings or any other noticeably magical features.

They did this just in time too, for it was only a moment later that another jeep drove over to them with an escort of soldiers riding on armored Chocobos, members of the Crusaders' Chocobo Knight division. As the vehicle skidded to a halt, spraying sand in their faces, a man leaped out of the car, shouting orders into a walkie-talkie and keeping his eyes focused on the Toilenator, which had yet to attack the humans surrounding it. "-Keep that thing contained, circle formation, _blast_ that motherfucker to pieces if it so much as makes a suspicious move! S.S. Enterprise, hold your fire for the time being, it doesn't look like your last shot did much damage, and we don't want to hit any of our own troopers with ricochet. Ground team, start setting up net launchers, provide cover fire so nobody gets smashed by that thing!" The soldiers began following his orders, half of them spreading out and kneeling to the ground, laying out machine parts with which they swiftly began constructing several strange-looking weapons while the other half started opening fire on the Toilenator with whatever projectile weapons they had, zigzagging all over the place to confuse the giant robot and keep its attention off the teams building the net launchers. The Toilenator (and Leblanc) bellowed in fury and started trying to stomp the puny humans or blast them with lightning and plungers, but the Crusaders were good at what they did and managed to keep the giant robot pinned in roughly the same place, constantly turning around and around while being forced to keep shifting focus to try and keep on eye on as many of the nuisances attacking it as possible. It wasn't easy, and Leblanc got more and more frustrated…as well as somewhat dizzy.

Confident in his troops' ability to keep the Toilenator distracted, the man placed his communicator in a compartment on his belt and turned to the startled group. "Okay, I don't know what you civilians are doing here, but this is a hazardous zone, you need to…" He paused, blinking as he realized who the 'civilians' were. "Auron? Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari? _Tidus?!_"

"Hello Jecht," said Auron cordially.

"Hi Dad," Tidus said weakly. "Uh, looking good." He did, at that. Jecht was a big man with tanned skin covered with scars and thick muscle tissue. He wore a Kevlar vest with a few grenades hanging from it over a bare chest with a large anchor-shaped tattoo painted on his abs. Plate-armor sleeves and gloves covered his arms. He wore camouflage-patterned shorts and thick combat boots on his legs. A large broadsword with an unusual flared tip was slung over his back. His messy black hair was held back by a red headband wrapped around his forehead to keep it out of his dark eyes and lined face.

"Commander Jecht, about time you got here," Darlene said sternly. "The invaders almost got away while we were waiting for you! If I hadn't managed to infiltrate and destroy their ship personally, they might have escaped with some of our island's most precious treasures!"

"Er, uh, sorry Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari," the startled Jecht said, stiffening and saluting. The Chocobo Knights dismounted and did the same thing. While Darlene was not an official Crusader, that didn't mean they saw her as just another civilian. Most of them would never have made it through the combat they had seen without her strict training and obstacle courses, and the freshly-baked meals she occasionally brought down to the Crusader chapter house were to die for. "We got a little held up on our way here, the Lord Ochu monster had some friends that weren't happy about its demise and we couldn't spare anyone to get out here until all of them were completely destroyed. But we're here now, and this thing's as good as dead! But…" He frowned and glared at Tidus and the other kids, who flinched at his steely gaze. "Can somebody tell me what the hell my son and his friends are doing here?! And who the heck are those three?!" That last comment was directed at the temporarily-human Gullwings.

"Um, we're tourists," Yuna said quickly. "From the mainland."

"I'm Rikku, and she's Yuna, and that's Paine," Rikku added, indicating her cousin and other teammate.

"Tidus was showing us a good time around the island, since it's our first time here," Paine explained.

"Ah," said Jecht. "And…may I ask what exactly a buncha tourists are doing in a combat zone?!"

"Umm…" They didn't exactly have an answer for that. Yuna glanced at Tidus and Wakka, who shrugged, not sure what to say. Fortunately, Auron stepped in for them.

"Chappu was abducted and brainwashed by the invaders to help them infiltrate Ohalland's tomb and steal his Crystal Cup and golden Blitzball," the dead man said, which was not far from the truth. Much.

Jecht and the Knights gasped in horror. "Not Lord Ohalland's tomb!" cried one of them.

"Not the First Cup and sacred Blitzball!" cried another.

"Wait, I wasn't brain-" started Chappu. Wakka stepped on his foot. "Ow! Er, I mean, oh yeah, they did. Everything's a blur…"

"Those bastards!" Jecht hissed. "Tell me you stopped them!"

"With everybody's help, yes," Auron continued. "Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari overheard their plans and informed me of them, then struck out to locate the invaders' ship while I went after the aliens to save Chappu and stop their plans. Tidus and his friends came after me, since they wanted to save their friend as well as the treasure, and by the time they caught up with me it was too late to send them back. Together we managed to find the invaders, but we were too late; not only had they managed to take the treasures from Ohalland's crypt, they also foolishly unleashed the legendary tomb guardian, Yiazmat."

There were more gasps at this. "Not the Undying One!" cried one of the knights.

"You fought Yiazmat and lived?!" asked an incredulous Jecht.

"It wasn't easy, let me tell you," Paine grumbled.

"Yeah, he was a real bitch to fight…" Wakka murmured. "I think I even got turned to stone at one point or something. Not pleasant!"

"But we lived, Dad," Tidus said. "And I helped fight him!"

Jecht opened his mouth to say something, paused when he noticed Tidus' new sword, Auron's facial expression, and the look in his son's eyes, then thought better of it. "I…see you did, son. I'm not exactly…happy you got yourself into a situation like that, but you fought the mightiest monster in history and…well, you lived." There was a pause. "So…you know…nice going," he said after a moment. The words didn't come easily; he wasn't good at this sort of thing.

Tidus blinked. That had not been what he expected his father to say. "…Thanks, Dad."

"Yiazmat spared us because it realized the aliens were making off with its treasure, so we had no choice but to chase after them and get it back before Yiazmat could cause too much damage to the island in its pursuit of the thieves," Auron continued. "We managed to locate the aliens' ship, but they blasted off just as we got there."

"Fortunately, I had gotten there first and snuck on board, after reporting its location," Darlene said. "And I was able to blow up the vessel and make it back to the island using an escape pod, reclaiming the stolen treasures in the process."

"Oh," said Jecht. "Nice work, soldier! But…" He glanced at the Toilenator. "I take it that didn't finish them off."

"They're very resilient aliens," Yuna said truthfully.

"Where are they from, anyway?" Jecht asked.

"Uranus," Wakka joked, remembering Selphie's idiot fear and causing his friends and the Chocobo Knights to snicker.

It took Jecht a few moments to get the joke, and when he did he scowled. "Damn aliens and their puns…and toilet humor! Guess that gets rid of the idea that they're more highly evolved than we are, using stupid plays on words like that. What happened to Yiazmat?"

"It showed up right after I landed in the escape pod, and I managed to give back the treasure and convince it to go back to its tomb," Darlene explained.

"How'd you manage to do that?!" Jecht asked incredulously.

"I scolded it," Darlene said. "It was being a very naughty monster."

There was a long silence. "And…it let you live?" Jecht asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes," said Darlene.

"It was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen in my life," said Paine. "And I've seen a lot of incredible things. Er, as a professional tourist that is."

"Yeah, she just talked _down_ to Yiazmat like he was a dog that had made a mess on the floor!" Chappu said enthusiastically. "It was awesome!"

"And she _smacked_ Yiazmat, and it just whimpered and _took_ it!" Tidus added, gushing in awe.

Jecht shook his head in amazement. "If I heard about anyone else doing it, I never would have believed it. But Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari? Yeah, that sounds just like the kind of thing she'd do."

Darlene smiled sweetly. "Thank you, Commander."

"It was something to see," admitted Auron. "And when she was done scolding it, it just took the treasure and left, tail between its legs."

"Huh," said one of the Chocobo Knights. "Guess that explains that big trail of destroyed greenery we found on our way here. Lucky we encountered it _after_ the monster left, or we might have run into trouble."

One of the other Knights frowned. "Wait, didn't we send a couple scouts down the trail to find out what had made it?"

There was a pause. "Oh shit," said Jecht, whipping out his walkie-talkie and barking orders into it. "All scouts, return to base immediately! All scouts return to base immediately! If you see a giant invincible-looking dragon monster, do _not_ engage, I repeat, _do not_ _engage._ That's an order! Over."

"Roger that. Heading back, over," a muffled voice replied from the other end of the communicator.

Jecht put the device back in his belt. "Phew, that was close. Woulda called them back here, but I didn't think they'd possibly make it before we trashed this thing. So, you sent Yiazmat running, and then the aliens landed, somehow having survived Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari's fine infiltration work?"

"That's the short of it," Auron agreed.

"Well, I guess we Crusaders all owe you a big thanks for holding these guys here as long as you did," Jecht said with a nod at the group. "Otherwise we might not have gotten here in time to intercept it and keep it from killing you and then going on to destroy the island! However, I think it's best you stay out of this from now on, leave the rest of the fighting to the professionals!"

"Hey, we're plenty professional-" Rikku started until Paine stomped on her foot and Yuna clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Professional _tourists_," Yuna finished her cousin's sentence, laughing nervously. "Who certainly wouldn't have much experience battling aliens or giant robots or anything like that, _right?_" Rikku nodded quickly, and her friends let go of her.

"Clasko, Elma, I want you to stay here and keep the civilians out of danger. Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari and my old pal Auron will help you out," Jecht told two of the knights.

"Sir, yes, sir!" They said, saluting him and kicking their Chocobos into motion, having them trot over to the group.

"Commander Lucil, you're with me," Jecht told the remaining knight. "Let's go teach that alien motherfucker not to mess with our planet! Oh, and Tidus?"

"Yeah Dad?" Tidus asked tentatively.

"When we get home, we're going to need to have a long talk about you blindly rushing into danger and dragging your friends and a buncha tourists with you. That's a very irresponsible thing to do, and certainly not what I'd expect from any son of mine!" Jecht scolded him.

Tidus grimaced. "But Da-ad! Auron was there to keep us safe!"

"I thought you went after him, and thus did not have protection from him at the start," Jecht pointed out.

"Er," Tidus said. Actually, _Auron_ had come after _them_, but if he mentioned that it would ruin the fabrications Auron and Darlene had told his father. "Sorry. I guess that was kinda irresponsible of me."

"You bet it was! I'll think of a suitable punishment for you later. Oh, and don't think you're getting off easy either," Jecht said to a startled Wakka. "You should have known better than to just follow my son blindly into peril and endanger the lives of a bunch of tourists."

"But Mr. Tidus' Really Cool Blitzball Star Dad, I had to go!" Wakka protested. "They were trying to break into Lord Ohalland's tomb and steal his stuff, I couldn't let a buncha stinkin' aliens get away with that! Oh, and I had to rescue my brother too."

Chappu rolled his eyes. "Glad to see you know where your priorities are, brudda…hey, can we get an autograph?"

"Haven't I given you kids a bunch already? Regardless, while it might be true that it was important to protect our cultural heritage and rescue your brother," Jecht admitted. "That's no excuse for running off on a dangerous adventure at your age without adult supervision."

"But Auron-" Wakka started.

"Wasn't with you when you started out," Jecht pointed out. "I'm going to have to talk to your parents about this, young man."

"Aw, man!" Wakka moaned.

"Uh, am I in trouble too?" Chappu asked anxiously. "You know, for getting abducted and helping the bad guys and all…"

Jecht put a reassuring hand on the young man's shoulder. "No son, you were kidnapped and brainwashed, these things happen. Nobody holds you responsible. We'll have to have you checked over to make sure there are no lingering side effects before we send you home, though, just a safety precaution."

"Er, brainwashed, right…no problem…" Chappu said, eyes darting back and forth nervously.

Jecht then turned to the tourists and gave them an apologetic bow. "Ladies, I'd like to apologize on behalf of the Crusaders and all of Destiny Islands for any harm that may have come to you due to my idiot son's dragging you along on his dangerous adventure. We'd be perfectly happy to compensate you for any trauma you may have suffered due to the aliens, Yiazmat, or anything else, and hope you won't think poorly of our island and will reconsider any comments you'll tell your friends back home that might cast our island's reputation as a prime vacation spot in a poor light. Free Blitzball tickets and autographs from yours truly will be made available if those will help make up any dissatisfaction you may have experienced during your stay here."

"Your dad's kind of laying it on a little thick, isn't he?" Wakka muttered to Tidus.

"Well, tourism _is_ a major source of our island's economy and prosperity," Tidus pointed out.

"Don't we already have tickets to a game?" Paine whispered to Rikku.

"Yes, but he's a big sports star, so he can probably give us better ones than the ones I got from that rat Mewgle!" Rikku hissed back. "Let's take him up on his offer!"

Yuna smiled and clasped her hands in front of her pleadingly. "Mr. Jecht, I am honored and gratified that you care so much for our safety and well-being. However, I can personally assure you that your son was far from irresponsible in his care of us. While he showed us around the island, we felt safe with him and had a very good time as he explained everything about your home's culture and history. When he decided to head after Auron, he didn't drag us along; in fact he insisted we stay in a safe place while he dealt with the invaders. However, we felt compelled to go with him because we had grown to be just as attached to this place as he is, and did not want to see anything happen to it. If anything harmful befell us, it is totally our own fault, not his. Tidus did his very best to protect us while we ventured through the tomb after the aliens, and I can promise you that thanks to his care nothing bad happened to us."

"What?!" Rikku cried. "That's baloney! We almost got killed by that horrible invincible Yiazmat!"

"Rikku…" growled Yuna.

"Oh, and then we nearly got dumped into that pool of laser-toting piranhas, sharks and crocodiles in that demented game show run by that little creep Mewgle!"

"_Rikku…_"

"Oh, and let's not forget the giant flaming Blitzball, and that bladed death machine, and the living statue with all the swords, and-" Rikku continued, oblivious to how everyone was glaring at her.

Paine solved the problem by knocking her lights out with a single punch. "You never know when to shut your big mouth," she grumbled.

Jecht blinked. Yuna laughed nervously. "Please ignore her ravings, she's…delirious…it really wasn't as bad as all that."

"Riiiiight…" Jecht said slowly. He glanced at Auron. "Auron, how much of that were you there for?"

"Ah…" Auron shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Boy, you're grounded for the next fifty years. And that's just the _beginning_," Jecht told Tidus sternly.

"Awww, Daaaaad!" Tidus moaned.

A loud explosion could be heard from behind them as the Toilenator managed to blow up one of the jeeps surrounding it. "We'll finish this later," Jecht said, turning towards the conflict. "Dammit, they should have finished those net launchers by now! What's taking them so long?!"

Darlene huffed. "I thought I trained them better than that."

Jecht sighed and shook his head. "Ugh. Lucil, like I said before, you're with me! Let's get in there and-"

"Commander Jecht!" a voice called from the distance.

Jecht sighed in exasperation and turned around. "What _now_?"

A couple of soldiers came towards them, holding Selphie, still with a plunger on her face, between them. "Commander Jecht, sir, we found this alien trying to creep away from the beach!" one of them reported.

"Sneaky bastard! We caught it before it could get away, though! What should we do with it, sir?" asked the second soldier.

They all stared at the soldiers incredulously. "You idiots," Auron said after a moment.

The soldiers blinked. "Huh?"

Jecht put his face in his hands for a moment, and then looked up. "Gatta, Luzzu, you nincompoops! That's not an alien, that's Selphie! You know, the crazy Telmitt kid who's always giving us false alarms and running around screaming her head off!"

Gatta and Luzzu looked at Selphie in surprise. "But…are you sure, sir?" Gatta asked. "I mean, look at its face! Nothing that hideous can be of our world!"

Exasperated, Jecht grabbed the handle of the plunger stuck to Selphie's head and ripped it off, revealing the girl's face. She gasped and blinked, eyes dazzled by the sudden light. "I can SEE! And BREATHE! And SCREAM!" She proved this by shrieking at the top of her lungs for thirty seconds and causing everyone to flinch, then smiled serenely.

They stared at her. "Oh," Gatta said quietly. "It is Selphie."

"But…then what was that thing on her face?" Luzzu asked.

Jecht examined it. "It's either a plunger or some kinda sophisticated alien probe device."

"No, it's just a plunger," Tidus said. "I got hit by one earlier too."

Jecht looked at him in astonishment, and the soldiers tensed. "What?! You got hit by one?! Are you all right?!"

Tidus gave him a look. "Dad, it's a _plunger_."

"Yes, it is!" Selphie said.

"Yeah, but it's an _alien_ plunger! No telling what kinda extraterrestrial germs are on that thing…especially since it came outta that!" Jecht said, pointing at the giant toilet. Tidus grudgingly had to admit that he probably had a point. "We'll have to put the bunch of you through decontamination before you can go back home. Well, we were going to anyway, but now you'll have to have extra." The kids (and fairies) groaned at this.

"You're my hero!" Selphie squealed, breaking free from Gatta and Luzzu and running towards Jecht. "Now pucker up, I'm gonna give you a hero's reward!" She started making kissing noises. Jecht's eyes widened in horror. Quite reasonably, he panicked, screamed, and ran for his life. Wouldn't you, if Selphie tried to kiss you?

"Hey, come back here!" Selphie cried, chasing after him.

"Run sir, run! Don't let it get you!" Lucil cried from her Chocobo.

"Are you guys _sure_ that's not an alien?" Gatta asked the others.

"She's not an alien, we're pretty sure of that," Wakka said definitively. "What she _is_, though…well, that's up for grabs."

"Gatta! Luzzu!" Darlene barked, causing the two to yelp and stand at attention. "I'm ashamed of the two of you, mistaking a girl with a plunger on her face for a hostile alien life-form! I thought you had better observational skills than that, I suppose not. It looks like I'll have to drill that lesson into you…again!" The soldiers gasped in horror at this, and the Chocobo Knights looked rather sympathetic. "But first, I want both of you to run ten laps around the entire island, starting right now!"

Gatta and Luzzu gawked at her in horror. "_Ten_ laps?!" cried Luzzu.

"Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari, there's no way we could-" started Gatta.

"Did I give you permission to talk?!" snapped Darlene, causing the two to jump and whimper in terror. "Start running, _now,_ or I'll make it a hundred laps. Unless you'd rather have a court-martial for disobeying an officer's orders?"

"Um, but you're not actually an officer-" Clasko started, until Elma and Lucil both gave him looks telling him to shut it. It didn't matter that she wasn't actually an officer; this was Darlene Hikari they were talking about.

Gatta and Luzzu swallowed and stood up straighter. "Ma'am, no ma'am!"

"Ma'am, no ma'am _what?_"

"Ma'am, no ma'am, we don't want a court-martial, ma'am!" they yelled loudly.

Darlene nodded. "Very good. Now _get going!_"

"Yes ma'am!" Gatta and Luzzu, not wanting to suffer Sora's mother's wrath, quickly started running away.

"Oh, and stop by my house after you're done, you can have some lemonade to rehydrate yourselves from the long run!" Darlene called after them, her entire demeanor changing in a split second. "Oh, and Private Clasko?"

Clasko stiffened in his saddle, knowing he was in big trouble for his comment. Lucil and Elma both gave him sympathetic looks. "Y-y-y-yes, Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari?"

"While you're half-right, dear, that I'm not an _official_ member of the Crusaders for personal reasons and therefore do not _technically_ have the power to court-martial anyone, that does not give you the right to question my authority in front of other Crusaders. Fifty push-ups, on the ground, now!"

Knowing he'd get worse if he argued, Clasko simply nodded, hopped off his Chocobo, and laid himself out on the ground. He started his first push-up. "One-"

"Oh, wait, before I forget," Darlene interrupted him. "Clasko dear, you're looking a little on the scrawny side. Have you been eating all the right things and exercising enough?"

"Ah…no, ma'am," Clasko admitted.

"Hmm, we'll have to do something about that. Choco!" Darlene addressed Clasko's Chocobo.

"Kweh?" the big yellow bird replied.

"Could you be a dear and press one of your feet against Clasko's back to make it more difficult for him to push off the ground, please?" she asked the Chocobo politely.

"Kwehkweh!" Choco nodded and pressed one of its large taloned feet on Clasko's back, pushing him to the ground.

"B-but Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari, I can't do any push-ups with Choco standing on me!" Clasko protested.

"Of course you can, dear, you just have to push hard enough. Now, don't look at me like that, it's for your own good, you'll never last in the Crusaders if you stay so scrawny and thin, you need to build up more muscle," Darlene said conscientiously. "Your mother'd say the same thing if she were here. We'll talk about your diet later, right now, do those push-ups!"

Clasko sighed and nodded. "Yes, Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari…" He started, with some difficulty, doing his push-ups. "One…erk…two…ugh…three…oh man…four…"

"I have _got_ to learn how to do that," Paine whispered in awe. "Boss people around like that, I mean. Then Rikku'd never step out of line again."

"Eep," whimpered Rikku, terrified at the thought of Paine becoming any tougher than she already was.

"Oh my," said an amazed Yuna. "That was…something else." She frowned. "I'm afraid that means she can't join our group, though."

"Huh?! Why not?!" cried an alarmed Paine.

"Because she's needed more here," Yuna pointed out.

"…Hmm. Maybe you're right," Paine said with a grimace, wishing it weren't so.

"Um…Ms. Hikari, ma'am, if you don't mind my asking…" Wakka said slowly. "…Why _don't_ you officially join the Crusaders?"

She smiled at him sweetly and said, "That's none of your business, dear." Auron chuckled.

Jecht walked back over, carrying Selphie over his shoulder. "Okay, there's that taken care of," he said, referring to the girl, who was screeching and pounding on his back while kicking her feet in the air. "Where'd Gatta and Luzzu go?"

"Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari sent them on a long run as punishment for mistaking Selphie for an alien," Lucil reported.

"Ah. And…why is Clasko…" Jecht paused, and then changed his mind. "Never mind, I'm not sure I want to know. Here Auron, you take this." He pulled Selphie off his shoulder and held her out towards Auron.

"Hi!" Selphie said cheerfully.

"What? Why do I have to take her?" asked the alarmed Auron. "She seems to have taken a shine to you."

"I can't keep her, I already got a kid! Plus, she gives me the creeps…" Jecht muttered, glancing at the way Selphie was drooling.

"Um…can't you just put her on the ground and let her take care of herself?" Yuna asked timidly.

"She was walking around with a plunger on her face," Paine pointed out. "I think it's safe to say she can't be trusted to be on her own."

Yuna frowned. "Hmm, I suppose that's true."

Jecht's walkie-talkie suddenly buzzed to life, and the commander dropped Selphie without thinking to grab the device. "Ow," she said, landing on her head.

"Commander Jecht, all net launchers are complete, sir!" the voice on the other end said.

"What? Finally! It's about time!" Jecht said. "Open fire!"

Leblanc snarled inside the control cistern, dizzy as hell from having to keep the Toilenator spinning about to keep track of all the people shooting at her. 'Ergh…agh! Stand still, you little…ARGH! That does it! Prepare to flush them all!"

"Again?" Ormi asked.

"Yes, again!" Leblanc screamed. "What, is there something wrong with making a giant robot toilet _flush_ things down the drain?!"

"No, it's just…" Ormi started.

"WHAT?!" Leblanc howled.

"Well, our water bill's pretty high," Ormi said. "If we flush too much, we'll have to pay extra."

Leblanc stared at him for a long moment, deliberating whether or not it would matter much in the long run if she killed her idiot lackey here and now. Admitting that it would be a pain to break in a new crony, especially on a backwater planet like this, she decided not to kill him just yet and instead turned back to the controls. "As I was saying, LET'S FLUSH THEM ALL!"

The Toilenator raised its left arm and prepared to push down on its lever…

When suddenly the cannons that many of the Crusaders had been working on while their brethren were running around distracting the Toilenator fired, launching several nets into the air which rapidly expanded upon being shot from their launchers, spiraling out to entrap the Toilenator, the many weights on the edges causing the nets to wrap around the giant robot and pin its arms to its sides, completely immobilizing it as well as sealing its lidded mouth shut. Naturally, the Toilenator was not pleased with this and tried struggling, but the nets were made out of some kind of very durable metal mesh and so were not that easy to break. It became even harder when switches were flipped on the net launchers and an electric current ran up the cables connecting the cannons to the nets, electrifying the Toilenator and causing it to bellow in pain as the voltage entered its body through the areas that had been weakened or exposed by the bombs Darlene had planted, frying a number of its circuits and causing sparks to fly from all over the giant robot's body. There was a sizzling noise and the smell of ozone as smoke rose from the Toilenator's hull. The giant toilet monster seemed dazed, and wobbled, losing its balance due to the heavy damage done by the electricity and coming very close to toppling over and crushing a number of the Crusaders responsible for defeating it. Fortunately, the launchers also had reels which they could use to pull back on the cables attached to the many nets wrapped around the Toilenator, and when all of them were activated and pulling back at once, an equilibrium was achieved that kept the robot from falling over by tugging on it with just the right amount on all sides, thus keeping it balanced and on its feet. A loud cheer went up from the Crusaders at this sight, for it seemed as if they had won yet another victory against the forces which conspired to destroy their world.

"Wow," said an amazed Rikku. "They actually pulled it off!"

"Of course they did," Wakka scoffed. "They're the Crusaders! They can beat anyone!"

"What about Yiazmat?" asked Yuna.

"Well, maybe not him…" Wakka admitted.

"Yayness, the evil toilet people from Uranus have been defeated!" Selphie cried happily. "Kiss me, Tidus!"

Tidus looked at her in horror. "Ah, no. No, I don't think so."

"What will you do with the aliens now that they've been defeated?" Paine asked Jecht.

"Standard procedure when we manage to capture live ones," the commander told her. "We'll transport that thing back to one of the continental Crusaders bases on the mainland, cut it open, and have our tech guys analyze the robot to figure out what makes it tick and see if any of the stuff in it can be used to augment our own technology. If the aliens are still alive by then, we'll put 'em in the secure lock-up with all the other invaders we've managed to capture to be studied by our xenobiologists. By understanding what makes the _aliens_ tick, we can engineer a particular defense to be used against their species should they try to invade again."

Yuna and Rikku looked rather uneasy at learning the fate of other extraterrestrial visitors to this planet, since there was a good chance the same thing might happen to them if anyone found out they were from off-world. The pained look on Tidus' face showed he was thinking the exact same thing. Paine, however, seemed more curious than worried. "How do you study their biology? Dissection? Cruel and inhumane experimentation?" She was particularly gleeful at the thought of Leblanc and her cronies being put under the knife and finally being punished for all the frustration they had caused over the years.

"Only if they die," Jecht said with an annoyed grunt. "Namby-pamby alien rights activists in the community and in our own ranks insist we do it that way. We run all sorts of tests on 'em while they're still breathing, but nothing _too_ bad…though if you ask me, a lot of them deserve worse, considering what _they've_ done to some of the people they've abducted. I've seen pictures, pretty gruesome stuff."

"Wh-what if the aliens are friendly?" Yuna asked anxiously, trying not to sound as if it was that big a deal or relevant to her personally. "Would you still treat them like that?"

Jecht smirked. "We haven't met a friendly alien so far, miss, and we don't expect to anytime soon." Yuna swallowed, her throat feeling very dry at that moment. Tidus was fidgeting anxiously.

"That doesn't mean there _aren't_ any friendly life-forms out there," Darlene interjected, winking at the Gullwings. "After all, it's a very big universe. While the Crusaders have yet to encounter any peaceful extraterrestrial visitors, protocol states that we are to release any we run into on their own recognizance once it has been asserted that they mean no harm to our world. So as long as they have no intention of endangering us, they should have nothing to fear."

All the fairies sighed in relief, as did Tidus. "That's good to hear," said Yuna gratefully.

"How come you kids don't know this stuff already? Didn't you hear about it from your local Crusaders chapter?" Jecht asked curiously, causing the off-worlders to tense.

"Ah, they come from a small town," Tidus said quickly.

"Yeah, closest Crusader outpost is several miles away, near a big city," Wakka added.

"Oh," Jecht said, nodding. "Which one?"

"Uhhh…" The kids glanced at Auron and Darlene for help.

Before either adult could work up a plausible lie, though, Selphie started screaming. "Oh Em Gee Double-You Tee Eff Bee Bee Queue! The robot's breaking free! We're all doomed!"

"What?! IMPOSSIBLE!" Jecht roared, whirling around…and saw, to his horror, that the Toilenator was struggling against the nets containing it, and did indeed seem to be close to breaking them. "Oh, _shit…_"

"Boss, what are you doing?!" Logos cried from inside the Toilenator's cockpit. They had gotten hit by the electric jolt as well, and now the cistern was a bit drier, though now it smelled like burnt hair, mainly because all of their hair had been zapped into spikes by the static effect.

"Breaking…us…out of here!" Leblanc snarled, pouring more of her magical energy into the Toilenator's systems to reenergize it.

"But boss, what you're doing is way too dangerous!" Ormi protested. "Ol' Betsy can't take this much power!"

"And even more important, neither can you!" added Logos. "If you keep pushing like this, you're going to burn yourself out! You could die, or even lose all your power!"

"I…don't…care!" Leblanc shrieked through gritted teeth, her petite form glowing and crackling as she forced more and more magic into the control panel she was gripping, flowing from there to the rest of the giant robot. "They've humiliated me…for the last…time! They blew up my ship…they gave my treasure to a fucking dragon…they stranded us on this disgusting planet…they've immobilized my robot…and they _ruined my hair!_ The humans…and the Gullwings…MUST…DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!"

"Enterprise, Chopper-One, aim all your weapons at that thing!" Jecht barked into his communicator as soldiers rushed about all around them. "Ground teams, set the nets to maximum voltage then get outta there! Enterprise, Chopper-One, if that thing breaks free, wait for our guys to get out of the way then let that thing have it!"

As the various soldiers hopped into their jeeps and hovercraft and sped away, the nets wrapped around Toilenator lit up with a blinding flash as over a million volts of electricity coursed through the cables and into the mecha. The Toilenator convulsed, roared…but continued its struggles, thrashing harder and harder at the nets, until finally, with a mighty bellow, the giant robot managed to spread wide its arms, totally shredding the nets to pieces and causing heavily-charged bits of wire and cable to fall all over the place, electricity spilling out on the sand. The Toilenator roared again, static crackling across its body, a bizarre aura of glowing energy writhing and flaring to life all across its form. The skies began darkening ominously, storm clouds swirling above the beach and sending out forks of lightning, thunder rumbling in sync with the Toilenator's angry bellows.

Taking that as their cue to attack, the helicopter and warship started firing away at the Toilenator. Half a dozen missiles launched from the deck of the ship and streaked towards the giant robot, while the helicopter blasted the Toilenator with its machine guns, gatling guns, and rocket launchers. The aerial assault did little good; the bullets ricocheted harmlessly off of the Toilenator's aura-enhanced body and buried themselves in the surrounding sand, coming very close to hitting some of the slower soldiers trying to get out of the way. The helicopter's rockets and the ship's missiles exploded on impact against the robot's body, but seemed to do no damage. In fact, the damage that had _already_ been inflicted on the Toilenator from the electrified netting and Darlene's explosives actually seemed to be healing right before their eyes!

"Wahahahahaha!" the crazed Leblanc cackled from inside the Toilenator's cockpit, eyes filled with madness and her hair flying all over the place, while Ormi and Logos huddled in fear in a damp corner of the room. "You impudent fools think to strike me down? Let me show you what happens to those who wrong the great and beautiful Leblanc!"

The Toilenator pointed its plunger staff at the helicopter and fired several dozen plungers at it. The helicopter quickly maneuvered out of the way of the volley, but by poor chance one of the plungers managed to hit the chopper's windshield, firmly adhering to its glass surface and blotting out all view outside the cockpit. "Waaaahhh!" the pilot cried in alarm. "Can't…see! Overlarge plunger…blocking view! Can't stop…talking like this!" Panicking and losing control, the helicopter started swerving and flying randomly about, zigzagging down into the jungle and crashing with a tremendous explosion which toppled trees and set a lot of the greenery ablaze. The pilot, who had managed to eject at the last minute and was now drifting down to the beach on a parachute, reflected that he had probably overreacted a little; after all, it had just been a plunger. _Oh well, _he thought with a sigh. _Guess its back to toilet-cleaning duty for me. How appropriate._

Selphie gasped. "Oh em gee, that poor whirlybird! And I never even got to feed it, or play with it, or put it in a cage, or eat it for dinner…" Everyone looked at her strangely.

"At least the guy flying it's okay," Tidus said, noticing the parachute.

"I thought I trained the pilots better than that," Darlene said with a frown. "Whoever's responsible for that crash, I'm going to need to have a talk with later for panicking and losing such an expensive vehicle."

"Dammit, this thing's out of control! Enterprise, let loose all your missiles! Ground team; hit that sucker with everything you've got!" Jecht shouted into his walkie-talkie. Lights flared from the deck of the ship as at least a dozen missiles were launched from its silos and came rocketing over the water towards the Toilenator. As for the ground troops, they had stopped their retreat and gotten out of their vehicles, using the jeeps and hovercrafts for cover as they fired all their projectile weapons at the Toilenator. Their bullets, arrows, and explosives either detonated or ricocheted harmlessly off of the robot's enhanced armor, causing it to laugh, a noise that sounded much like a toilet flushing itself repeatedly. It turned away from the ground troops, as if they were totally beneath its notice, and focused on the missiles shooting towards it from the warship. Aiming its plunger staff, the mecha launched several dozen plungers at the incoming rockets. Naturally, since it was a scattershot, the majority of the plungers missed their targets and kept going until they either hit the side of the ship far out to sea or lost their velocity and fell into the ocean. However, inevitably, a few of them hit the missiles, with varying results. Some of the plungers knocked the missiles off course and caused them to crash into the water or the beach and explode, scattering shrapnel all over the place and wounding a few soldiers unlucky enough to be near the blast. Other missiles simply exploded immediately. A few, however, got so jarred by having a plunger strike their warheads that their guidance systems malfunctioned, causing them to swerve away from the Toilenator…

And rocket right back towards the boat that had launched them.

Eyes wide in horror as Selphie screamed and ran around in circles, Jecht screamed, "ENTERPRISE, ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP! ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP!" into his walkie-talkie. As his friends gasped at the tragedy in the making, Tidus strained his eyes to look out to sea, just barely making out various specks trying to lower the ship's lifeboats into the water before the missiles hit, or decided there was no time even to bother with that and just jumped off the side of the ship and into the ocean. Everyone watched anxiously as the missiles drew closer and closer to the vessel, praying that everyone could get off in time. Wakka bit his nails. Chappu moaned and hopped from one foot to the other. Rikku was too anxious to watch. Paine sighed and crossed her arms, tapping her foot nervously. Darlene frowned and bit her lip. Auron shook his head solemnly. Lucil and Elma ground their teeth while their Chocobos pawed the sand anxiously. Clasko kept doing push-ups, since nobody had told him to stop. Yuna clasped her hands together, waiting with bated breath for the end.

Finally, inevitably, it came. The missiles struck the ship, causing an explosion of tremendous heat and light which could be felt all the way on the beach, throwing up a lot of sea spray in the distance and no doubt overturning the lifeboats in the water close to the doomed vessel. Their hair was blown back and the sand rumbled under their feet due to the shockwave caused by the blast, causing glass to rattle back in town. The waves churned angrily nearby, agitated by the displacement of water made by the ship's destruction and causing the tide to come in early, saltwater lapping up at the feet of the Toilenator. Burning steadily and heavily damaged, the ship cracked in two, its separate halves angling upward and rapidly sinking down to the bottom of the sea, taking any poor soul that hadn't gotten off the ship in time but had somehow managed to survive the missile strike with them. The flag bearing the standard of the Crusaders and the Destiny Islands waved sadly in the wind as it, too, was claimed by the waters and vanished into the deep. Of the lifeboats that had gotten off the ship, there was no sign, either because the sea was too agitated by the explosion to see clearly…or because they, too, had been destroyed and sunken to the bottom of the sea.

"Enterprise crew, respond!" Jecht yelled into his walkie-talkie. There was a tense silence as everyone listened intently to the static buzzing on the other end of the communicator, trying to discern anything that might be a voice from all the white noise. "I repeat, Enterprise crew, respond!" More static. Nothing that sounded like it had come from a human throat. Tears streaming down his cheeks, Jecht bellowed, "This is Commander Jecht of the Crusaders, Destiny Island chapter; captain of the world champion Blitzball team, the Abes! Enterprise crew, if _any of you_ are out there, please…dammit…please respond!" There was no reply. None at all. The walkie-talkie slipped from Jecht's shaking hands and fell to the sand, still emitting nothing but white noise. "No…"

"Oh no," whispered Yuna. Clutching herself, she leaned against Tidus and started to cry.

A great silence fell upon the group. Even Selphie was uncharacteristically quiet in light of what had just occurred. But out of all the displays of grief Tidus saw, the woman he thought he might love crying on his shoulder, Wakka and Chappu's expressions of stunned disbelief, Selphie's silence, Auron and Ms. Hikari's grim acceptance, Clasko wailing and hugging his Chocobo, and Rikku's look of sheer horror and denial, it was his father's tears that really drove home to him how great this tragedy was. Never, in all his life, could he ever remember seeing his father cry. Not until today.

Auron, no stranger to great loss of life, stepped forward and put a hand on Jecht's shoulder. "C-commander," Lucil asked quietly, wiping away her tears. "What are your orders?"

"…Orders?" Jecht asked, head bowed, voice emotionless.

Lucil swallowed, and glanced at her fellow Knights for help. They only gave her blank looks, too stunned to offer any assistance. But Auron and Darlene both nodded at her, knowing that despite this tragedy, they needed to move forward, and right now that required the leader of the Crusaders to get back into action. Marshalling her courage, Lucil tried again. "Yes sir. What are we going to do now?"

Jecht said nothing for a long moment. He looked more vulnerable at that moment than Tidus had ever remembered seeing him. It was…humbling, and at the same time oddly gratifying, for it made Tidus suddenly feel closer to his father than he had in a long time. Finally, Jecht sighed, as if gathering his thoughts, shook off Auron's hand, turned to Lucil and opened his mouth…

And was interrupted by the deep, booming, flushing laugh from the Toilenator. "And so the pitiful humans die, drowned in the oceans from which they crawled out of millions of years ago! Such is the fate of weaklings bound to such pathetically short mortal lifespans! They deserved to die for thinking they could challenge a superior beauty such as myself! Gwahahahaha!"

"Uh, boss, why'd you say that over the loudspeakers so everyone outside could hear that?" whispered an alarmed Ormi.

"And what the heck was all that, anyway?!" asking a puzzled Logos, wondering where all that discriminatory sentiment had come from.

Their boss shrugged. "I felt like demoralizing them," Leblanc sneered.

However, her 'demoralizing' had quite the opposite effect on the soldiers arrayed outside the Toilenator. They were not weak and cowardly sheep, frightful creatures easy to bully and coerce into submission. They were humans, no, they were Crusaders! Sworn defenders of their planet, dedicated to preserving it from whatever hostile forces might lurk outside their solar system! Their world had managed, by some miracle, to return to relative normality after being totally destroyed by the Heartless, but not everyone had come back. Their once-idyllic world had become a changed place, one in which the people were aware they were not alone in the universe, and knew they had to defend themselves should the darkness ever return. The Crusaders had been formed to prevent that from happening, to battle any force which sought to invade or destroy their world and the people they cared for, and ever since their founding they had done just that, over and over again, no matter what the sacrifice or cost. Leblanc's arrogant taunt only served to remind them of that, remind them of the oath they had sworn to protect their homes and families, snapping them out of the despair arising from seeing so many of their brethren out to sea being decimated and galvanizing them back to action. They were Crusaders, dammit, and they were not going to let a giant toilet get away with killing their comrades unpunished!

Without thinking, filled with anger, the Crusaders roared and charged into battle, waving their weapons and firing projectiles at the Toilenator. This mass battle cry grabbed Jecht's attention and caused him to whirl around towards the battle. "What the…what do they think they're doing?!"

"It looks like they're charging the enemy, Commander," said Lucil eagerly. "To avenge our comrades lost at sea!"

"Yeah, but without any planning whatsoever! Those idiots are gonna get themselves killed!" Jecht cried. "Or did they forget that so far, this thing's taken everything we've thrown at it?!"

Jecht's pessimistic statement proved to be accurate. Laughing, the Toilenator raised its left hand into the sky and called down lightning from the storm clouds, causing a bolt of electricity to shoot down from the heavens and into its palm before widely dispersing out across the battlefield, bringing the Crusaders to their knees as the high-voltage attack wracked their bodies. Some of the lightning struck parked jeeps and hovercrafts and caused their fuel tanks to detonate, making them explode and taking out a number of the nearest soldiers with them. Letting up on the lightning for a moment, the Toilenator started lobbing flaming toilet paper rolls at the dazed and electrified Crusaders before they could recover from the last attack, blowing up more vehicles and lighting a number of poor soldiers on fire.

"No! Goddammit!" Jecht yelled furiously. He snatched up his walkie-talkie and shouted orders into it. "THIS IS YOUR COMMANDER SPEAKING, SHITHEADS! FALL BACK! WITHDRAW! GET OUTTA THERE! THAT'S AN ORDER!" Lowering the communicator, he shook his head in anger and frustration. "Goddamn, that thing's taking out even more of us, and we're not even making a dent in it!"

"We can't allow this to go on," Darlene said. "But so far, a head-on assault's proven to be useless, as has attacks from a distance. That thing's armor is just too strong, and I don't think I can sneak over there and climb back up it to do some more precise damage, they'll be expecting that this time."

"Uh, hey, Yuna, could you…" Tidus whispered.

She shook her head. "Still not enough magic."

"Darn."

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed, unsurprisingly.

"Hey! I think I have an idea!" Chappu cried suddenly. They all turned to him, at the moment desperate enough for an idea to hear him out. That surprised him for a moment, to have so much attention focused on him, but he quickly recovered and started talking. "Um, earlier, when we were fighting that thing, Yu—ah, one of us managed to hit that thing in the eye, and it actually seemed to hurt! Though…um, it kind of got better…huh, maybe it's not such a good idea after all…"

"Not so fast, what did you hit that thing with?" Lucil asked, listening intently.

"Huh? Um…" Chappu realized it would probably not be the best idea to tell the grown-ups that one of the tourists was packing heat.

Auron saved the day, though. "It was Wakka's Blitzball."

"Huh? No it-" Wakka started, only to get elbowed by Paine. "Ow! Uh, I mean, yes it was."

"Hmm…a Blitzball…" Jecht snapped his fingers. "That's it!" He ran to his jeep and quickly started rummaging through the back.

"Huh? It is?" asked a confused Wakka, looking as puzzled as everyone else. Clasko glanced at his Chocobo, who only shrugged and 'kwehed.'

"I think I understand," Elma said. "The Blitzball was able to hurt the monster, even if it was for a brief moment, by merit of being a small object moving at high enough speeds to penetrate a weak area in the enemy's defenses. While the monster's defenses have somehow become enhanced, in theory the same principle can be used to damage it again, if we just hit it with something small and fast enough to pierce its armor!"

"Yes…that makes sense," Auron agreed.

"But we've already thrown everything we have at it," pointed out a frantic Clasko. "What else can we use that would work?!"

"A Blitzball, of course!" Jecht said, straightening up and walking back over to them, holding a very colorful blue and gold Blitzball that looked more like a flattened orb than a true sphere, with curved spikes growing from the sides. "If a Blitzball could penetrate that thing's defenses before, then another Blitzball should be able to do the same thing!" Auron and Wakka shifted uneasily, worried now that their lie might have started something which could cause even more trouble.

"Ah…pardon me for being a little skeptical, but if bullets, arrows, and _missiles_ couldn't hurt that thing, what makes you think a Blitzball can?" Paine asked dubiously.

Jecht chuckled. "This is no ordinary Blitzball, young lady! This here's the World Champion!"

Wakka gasped. "Whoa! You mean the legendary Blitzball only awarded to the team that becomes best in the world at least twice in a row, currently in the possession of the Abes and you, their captain?!"

"The one you usually use only in the most serious of games and battles, and so far has never let you down?!" Chappu pressed eagerly.

"Yeah, the same Blitzball I wind up polishing once a week…" Tidus grumbled.

"C-Can I touch it?" Wakka whispered reverently.

Jecht nodded. "Yep, that's this ball all right! And no, you can't touch it. If it can penetrate the supposedly unbreakable defense line of the Luca Goers, then it can certainly crack the shell of that giant toilet!"

"Hmm…that might actually work," Auron said thoughtfully. "If you find the right opening, that is."

"And if you use one of my explosives to increase the damage," Darlene said, handing Jecht one of her bombs. "If you attach this to your ball and set the timer just before you throw it at the monster, the bomb should go off in time to exacerbate the hit and possibly take the robot out of commission!"

Jecht nodded as he planted the limpet device on the surface of the Blitzball. "To make it even more effective, I'll use my patented Jecht Shot! I've yet to see an alien monster that can walk away from getting hit by that attack!"

Chappu, Wakka, and the Chocobo Knights didn't look pleased with this plan. "But Commander, you can't do that!" said the alarmed Lucil.

"Yeah, that's the World Champion!" agreed a horrified Wakka. "Blowing it up is like, I dunno, sacrilege or something!"

"That thing's practically sacred, you can't destroy it!" agreed Clasko. "Oh, and, uh, it's probably really dangerous. You could get killed or something. I guess."

Jecht laughed. "Oh relax; this thing's just about indestructible! It'll take more than a measly explosion to destroy the World Champion! This old thing will survive to win plenty more games in the future, I guarantee it!"

"Can this actually work?" Yuna whispered to Tidus.

"It just might, actually," Tidus admitted. "I've seen him shatter boulders and hunks of solid iron with that thing. If anything can penetrate that monster's defenses, it's the World Champion!"

"Now all we need is an opening…and somewhere to aim," Auron said, glancing at the Toilenator in the middle distance.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), both were about to be made available. Leblanc was not happy to see that the Crusaders, acting on Jecht's orders, had managed to draw back out of range of her lightning attacks and flaming toilet paper volleys, but had no problem with continuing to pepper her with bullets, arrows, and shells, ineffective as those attacks might be. "Grrr…how dare they run away from me, the great Leblanc?!"

"We _could_ go after them," Logos pointed out. "This thing _does_ have legs, after all."

Leblanc sniffed. "Leblanc doesn't go to her enemies; Leblanc's enemies come to Leblanc!"

"Ah," said Logos. He and Ormi exchanged looks, both agreeing that their boss had pretty much totally lost it.

To make her enemies come to her, Leblanc decided it was time once again to use the Toilenator's deadliest weapon. It struck a stupid pose, flipped open its lid, bent down so its U-bend maw was facing the Crusaders, and pushed down the lever on its front with its left arm, causing the water in its basin to drain away and create a vacuum effect which began pulling the Crusaders back towards it with a continuous 'flushing' sound. The soldiers staggered and tripped on each other as they tried, and failed, to fight the suction effect. They tried climbing over their vehicles to use them as protective barriers, but Leblanc cranked up the vacuum power so that even those flimsy shields started creaking and tilting towards the Toilenator's mouth. It would only be mere moments until the Crusaders lost their footing and grips entirely and were flushed down the drain. If something were to be done to stop this, it would need to be done soon.

The full force of the suction had not yet reached where Jecht, the Chocobo Knights, and our heroes were standing, but they could already feel the pull of the Toilenator's vacuum, their hair and grains of sand blowing in the direction of the giant robot. Paine sighed in annoyance. "Not again…"

"Didn't we go through this already?" Rikku complained.

Chappu nodded. "Yeah, once is enough!"

"Oh noez!" Selphie cried. "We're going to be flushed down the toilet, just like I always feared!"

"You too?" asked a surprised Wakka. "Well, guess I'm not the only one."

"Oh Em Gee! That must mean we're SOULMATES!" Selphie squealed.

Wakka's eyes widened in horror. "Ah, no. No we're not. Stay far away from me, really."

"Looks like this is it," Jecht growled, noticing that his command was in danger. "You asked for an opening, Auron, and there you have it…can't make a much bigger target than the thing's mouth while it's inhaling!"

"In any other situation, I'd take advantage of the vacuum and throw some of my grenades over there, confident in the suction effect to drag them into the monster's mouth," said Darlene. "But with all our troops in the way, it's too risky; one of my bombs could hit them instead."

"It looks like it's all up to you, old friend," Auron said.

"Commander, are you sure you can do this?" Elma asked anxiously.

"Of course he can!" Lucil scoffed. "He's Commander Jecht, star of the Abes and world champ! If anyone can make this shot, he can!"

Jecht frowned and did some calculations in his head. "I _can_ make the shot," he said suddenly. "But, factoring in the distance from here to there, allowing for the acceleration and pull caused by the suction effect, adding in the maximum time you can put on the clock of one of these standard limpet mines…if I shoot it from here, the ball won't get into the monster's mouth before the bomb goes off, reducing the amount of damage it'll take. To achieve the maximum effect, I'm going to have to make the winning shot from a bit closer."

"What?!" Tidus cried.

"No way!" yelled Wakka.

"Yeah, if you mess up and get flushed, who's gonna lead the Abes to victory in this year's Blitzball World Championship?" asked Chappu.

"Commander, no, you can't do that!" protested Lucil.

"I have to," Jecht said. "I'm the only one who can make that shot!"

"But Dad, I can do it!" Tidus protested.

"You?!" Jecht snorted derisively.

Tidus glared at him. "I've been practicing! I can do it!"

"Oh, I believe you could make the shot regularly…I've been watching you train, you're not too bad," Jecht said, surprising Tidus. "But, you're still just a kid…your skinny frame's too light; you'd get picked up off your feet and sucked into that thing before you could get close enough to make the winning move! I'm bigger and heavier, so I'll be able to keep my footing long enough to take that thing out of commission!"

Tidus grimaced, recalling how the fairies had been forced to cling to him to keep from getting sucked into the Toilenator and realizing his father was right. "But…Dad…" He swallowed, and looked his father in the eye. "I…I don't want anything to happen to you…"

Jecht's face softened (slightly). He crouched down and put a hand on his son's shoulder. "I don't anything to happen to you either," he said solemnly. "And that's why I have to do this."

There was a moment of quiet at this, and everyone watched in amazement as Jecht for the first time showed a rarely-seen tender side of himself to his son…a moment which was ruined when Selphie squealed, "Oh Em Eff Gee! It's so kawa-hey, Arr Oh Tee Eff Ell Em Ay Oh!"

"Shut up," Paine snarled, elbowing Selphie in the gut. "You're spoiling the moment."

Jecht stood back up, mussed up his stunned son's hair semi-affectionately, and turned to Lucil. "Lucil…if anything happens to me out there, I'm putting you in charge. Got that?"

Lucil stammered. "B-but Commander-"

"I said, 'Got that?' That was an order, not a request, Captain," Jecht growled.

She swallowed and nodded. "Y-yes, sir."

Jecht then turned to Darlene. "Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari, I trust you can take care of these kids in my absence?"

She nodded and saluted. "Of course, sir. You can count on me!"

Jecht smirked. "I know I can." Next, he turned to Auron. "Auron…my old friend…if anything should happen to me, I want you to take care of Tidus. My boy's going to be the next captain and star player of the Abes someday, and a fine Crusader should he decide to join, though he still has a lot of growing up to do." He paused, glancing back at Tidus, noticing how Yuna had clasped her hand with his. He smiled faintly. "Then again…maybe he's a lot further along than I thought. I probably should have paid more attention." Tidus blinked in surprise when he heard this.

Auron nodded. "You have nothing to worry about. Tidus isn't the only young man I've taken care of in my long existence."

Jecht smirked. "Yeah…I figured you'd say that." He took a deep breath. "Okay, enough stalling…it's go time!"

"Dad!" Tidus yelled, a second too late, as his father bounded over the hood of his jeep and ran towards the Toilenator. "…Be careful."

Yuna gave him a gentle squeeze on his hand, to show him she was there. "Don't worry," she told him. "If he's anything like you, then I think he'll be all right."

"Yeah," agreed Wakka. "Jecht's the greatest guy ever, ya!"

"He _does_ seem kind of cool," Paine admitted grudgingly.

Tidus smirked. "Of course he is," he said, meaning it for the first time in his life. "He's my dad."

"And I will marry him someday!" Selphie shrieked loudly. Everyone stared at her. "Or Tidus. Or Wakka. I'm not picky." Tidus and Wakka exchanged horrified looks at each other. Yuna scowled at Selphie and clutched Tidus' arm protectively, while Chappu shook his head in pity.

Jecht ran towards the Toilenator, sand and powerful winds buffeting him from behind as the giant mecha increased its suction force in an attempt to consume everything on the beach. He stumbled a few times as he ran, but kept his footing, knowing he could not afford a single misstep. _They're all counting on me,_ he growled to himself. _Auron, the Crusaders, my son…they're all counting on me to beat this thing! I can't let them down!_ As he thought this to himself, a rock caught up in the vacuum struck him from behind, causing him to trip and start falling head over heels, nearly losing his grip on the booby-trapped World Champion in the process. He quickly shot out his free hand, pressing against the ground as it came rushing up towards him and flipping him over before he could fall on his face, pushing him back upright and reaffirming his grip on the Blitzball. He hit the ground running, moving faster both due to his momentum and the tug from ahead of him caused by the increased suction force. _Phew, that was close. Almost bought it back there! Gotta be more careful, don't want Tidus losing his old man just yet!_

He quickly reached the area where the Crusaders were hanging on for dear life to keep from being sucked into the Toilenator's maw. They were clutching onto or crouching behind parked jeeps and hovercrafts, holding onto each other tightly and digging their fingers into the dirt for anchorage, or burying their weapons in the sand and using them as supports to keep from being flushed away. But the vehicles were rocking and slowly sliding across the ground towards the Toilenator, and the grips of the Crusaders on whatever object they could get their hands on was slipping. All of the soldiers who had been killed by the Toilenator's lightning or flaming toilet paper attacks were long gone, sucked into the giant robot's mouth and disposed of in a sickening fashion which only served to denigrate the memory of those noble Crusaders. Jecht had every intention of avenging their humiliation.

He dove forward, tucking and rolling and landing behind one of the nearby jeeps so he could get a moment to catch his breath and regain his balance. The Crusaders also hiding behind the jeep gawked at him in amazement. "Commander Jecht!" one of them cried in relief. "What're you doing here?!"

"I'm here to rescue you dumbasses," Jecht roared over the howl of the constant flushing noise. "What'd you think I was doing?!"

"But sir, how can you possibly defeat that monster by yourself?!" one of the other Crusaders yelled.

"With World Champion by my side, there's no way I can fail!" Jecht boasted. _I hope._ "Okay, I suggest you all get back, I'm gonna use my patented Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III to finish this thing off!"

The Crusaders, all Blitzball aficionados (naturally) were very excited by this. "Oh boy! You mean your patented finishing move which has always won the game?!" one of the soldiers said enthusiastically.

"Will you ever show us Marks I and II, sir?" another asked, as they all crowded over to the ends of the jeep away from Jecht.

"Ah, perhaps someday," Jecht said awkwardly, feeling somewhat embarrassed because there actually wasn't a Mark I or II, he just called it Mark III as a gimmick to draw more people to his games in hopes that they'd see the first two. _Really should change that name,_ he thought to himself. "But right now, Mark III's the only one with the power to destroy this thing, so keep your heads low, don't want to hit any of you by accident!"

"Yes sir!" the Crusaders cried, all ducking low…but keeping their eyes on Jecht, they didn't want to miss a second of this.

Crouching down a bit, Jecht shuffled backwards a few meters from the jeep to get himself some distance while retaining some form of cover from the suction. Then, he held the ball in both hands for a moment, trying to get his inner focus, calming his mind and clearing out any and all distractions save for the perfect shot he was about to make. Images of what he was fighting for, his island home, his friends in the Crusaders, his old friend Auron, and his wife and child flashed through his mind, lending him strength. "ALL RIGHT, YOU ALIEN MOTHERFUCKERS!" he yelled. "I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SLIMEBALLS FROM OUTER SPACE WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE CRUSADERS!" He set the timer on the explosive device, dropped the ball to the ground, and let loose with a powerful kick. "GET!" The World Champion Blitzball sailed through the air, striking the jeep and causing its side door to cave in, making the Crusaders gasp in awe as it rebounded and arced back towards Jecht. He kicked the ball again as it came towards him, knocking it into the air. "OFF!" He leaped up before the ball could get caught in the suction flow (which would at this point still carry it towards the Toilenator, but the bomb might go off before it reached the thing's mouth and hurt some of the Crusaders) and hit the sphere with his head, causing it to soar over the jeep, strike (and crumple) the fan of one of the hovercrafts, and rebound towards him once more. "OUR!" He caught it and in one smooth move threw it back with one hand before it could lose any of the momentum it had built up, causing it to hit (and deflate) the same hovercraft as before and then arc back towards him. Jecht crouched down, building up the power in his legs, and sprung high into the air to intercept the ball before it could arc over his head, twirling to increase his speed and also to look really cool. Time seemed to slow down as he stopped his spin and began flipping over in midair, allowing him to calmly watch the digits on the limpet bomb's electronic display tick down one after the other, getting closer by the second to its detonation as the ball spun towards him. He was almost out of time. He wasn't worried, though. He was a professional sports champion. He knew all about beating the clock. "PLAAAAANEEEEET!" he shouted, his leg swinging up in slow motion to strike the ball with one last ultra-powerful kick and send it hurtling away in real time. The Blitzball streaked towards the Toilenator like a bolt of lightning, sailing through the eye of the storm and right down the giant toilet's throat, as if it were a Blitzball goal.

Jecht landed and waited, along with everyone else, for something to happen. For a few moments, it seemed as if the Blitzball had had no effect on the Toilenator.

And then…

The giant robot shuddered and groaned, the vacuum effect shutting down as the sound of a muffled explosion could be heard from within it. Flames gushed out of the Toilenator's mouth, crackling and burning with rage. Other explosions rocked the robot's body as its innards melted and malfunctioned, tearing the thing apart. With a pair of simultaneous blasts, both the thing's arms were torn off and fell to the ground. The lever on the creature's front, along with the monster's eye, was shattered by an explosion from within. Electricity crackling around them, the legs buckled and fell to pieces beneath the Toilenator's dead weight, causing its main body to collapse to the ground, still wracked with explosions. Cracks formed across its surface, spiderwebbing their way all over its body. Beams of light shone from those cracks, growing brighter and brighter, and finally…

The Toilenator exploded, pieces of scrap, clouds of sand, and toilet paper flying everywhere. The Crusaders ducked and covered themselves to keep from getting hit by the shrapnel. The three fairies of the Leblanc Syndicate, their clothing and hair burnt and their skin covered in soot, were hurled out of the explosion and thrown high into the air. "Nooooo!" shrieked Leblanc, wailing and crying madly. "How could this be happening?! They're just a bunch of stupid humans, how could they possibly defeat a fairy of my magnificence and beauty?!"

"And they killed Betsy, too! Waaaaaahhhhh!" Ormi bawled, flailing his limbs helplessly.

Logos sighed. "Well, I suppose it's like they say, pride goes before the fall…and we certainly have a big fall coming up on us!"

"But we're going up," Leblanc protested, pointing to the island below, which seemed to be shrinking due to their increasing altitude.

"Yes, but what goes up must come down," Logos pointed out.

"And in our case, we'll be coming down…hard!" Ormi whimpered.

"Why does it always end up like this?" whined Leblanc.

All three fairies sighed, resigned once more to their fate of being eternal losers. "Looks like we're blasting off agaaaaaaaiiiiiin!" they yelled as they were sent flying into the distance, vanishing for the time being with a twinkle and a _ting!_

Down on the ground, the Crusaders rose to their feet, cheering raucously and jumping up and down and firing their weapons into the air in joy as they saw that the dread Toilenator had been reduced to so much rubbish and sand, lit by the brilliant sun shining through the dissipating storm clouds. Jecht grinned triumphantly, until he was smothered and knocked over by the rush of soldiers flocking over to congratulate and thank him for performing the shot that had saved them all. Auron smirked. Wakka and Chappu cheered. Darlene smiled broadly; glad that this was finally over, though she wondered when her son would be coming home. Clasko burst into tears of joy and hugged his Chocobo. Yuna, overcome with emotion, threw her arms around Tidus and kissed him, causing a jealous Selphie to scream in rage and charge at the fairy…until the World Champion, smoking but otherwise undamaged from the explosion, flew out of the sky and hit her in the head, knocking her unconscious. Wakka and Chappu gawked at the sight of Yuna and Tidus' embrace, while Paine and Rikku smirked and ruefully shook their heads, thinking, "About time."

A few minutes later…

A somber mood had overtaken the beach. While all were thrilled that the Toilenator had been defeated, the memories of the dozens of Crusaders who had died fighting it loomed heavily on all their minds. Only a couple of lifeboats from the ship had managed to make it to shore after the Toilenator was defeated, all other hands lost at sea. Many other soldiers had also been killed or badly injured by the robot during the battle, but their bodies had been sucked up by the flushing toilet and destroyed completely when the monstrosity exploded, so they couldn't even be given a proper burial.

However, there was _one_ thing they could do…

The Crusaders had straightened themselves up and lined up in formation, forming two blocks with an aisle down the middle leading to the pile of rubble which was all that remained of the Toilenator. Every soldier was ramrod-straight, eyes focused totally on whatever was in front of them, as they had been taught by Honorary Drill Sergeant Hikari. The woman in question was standing to the side of the Toilenator wreckage, in a position where she could see if any of the soldiers was even the slightest bit out of sync with the others so that she could reprimand him or her for it. Auron and the kids stood on the other side of the wreck, waiting and watching. Selphie was still unconscious, but had been bound and gagged so that if she woke up she wouldn't make any disruptive noise to ruin the moment.

Jecht, carrying the World Champion under one arm and holding a large flag bearing the symbol of the Destiny Islands and the emblem of the Crusaders in his other hand, walked solemnly up the aisle, the Chocobo Knights and their steeds flanking him as an honor guard. In utter silence, he marched up between the ranks of his men to the pile of scrap and dirt, staring at it as if it were the only thing in the world that mattered.

Tidus swallowed, his throat feeling very dry, as he watched his father climb up the mound of wreckage, careful to avoid cutting himself on any sharp edges, until he reached the top. At a bark from Darlene, all the soldiers turned ninety degrees at the same time, so they were now facing forward and could see their commander standing atop the remnants of their slain enemy. Jecht, his expression unreadable, reached out and firmly planted the flag he had been carrying into a crevice on the ground, wedging it in so it wouldn't fall out anytime soon. He then slowly, almost reverently, placed a tattered armband and broken sword handed to him by Lucil at the base of the flag. They had both been taken, as custom dictated, from a dead Crusader whose face and body had been too devastated by battle damage to make any identification possible. As an unknown soldier, these artifacts taken from his (or her) form would represent all the Crusaders who had died in battle that day, symbolically laid atop the corpse of the foe which had slain them to demonstrate that even in death, those Crusaders had triumphed over their enemy.

In years to come, a monument would be built on this site to both commemorate the great victory that had been won here this day and also to honor the memory of all the brave Crusaders who had fallen in battle against the alien menace. It would be a great statue, a true work of art, depicting an androgynous Crusader in full combat regalia kicking the World Champion into a monstrous-looking toilet and causing it to shatter to pieces. A bronze plaque would be set at the statue's base detailing the relevant facts of the battle against the Toilenator and listing the number of casualties and dead caused by the giant monster. It would also have a signal beacon that would light up at night to keep ships from coming aground nearby. It would be a major tourist attraction (naturally), and bring in even more revenue for the Destiny Islands, which was one-third of the reason such a big monument would be built in the first place.

But that was for the future. The flag, the armband, and the sword were all the monument needed then and there. When his task was done, Jecht took a step back and made a salute, staring up at the flag blowing in the breeze with tears in his eyes. Tidus blinked back tears as he saluted too, noting peripherally that all his friends were doing the same thing. Naturally, the Crusaders saluted as well, but only when Darlene yelled at them to.

After a few long minutes, Jecht lowered his arm, turned, and started picking his way back down the scrap heap. The other Crusaders kept up their salute for a few minutes longer as he walked down the aisle, and then Darlene yelled, "Crusaders! Present arms!" All who had guns pulled them out and held them before them at the same time, as they had been taught. "Sound OFF!" The Crusaders lifted their guns, sighted, and fired them into the air with a sharp report. "1…2…3...Sound OFF!" Another report. "1…2…3…Sound OFF!" Another report. They repeated this process even after Jecht had left the aisle, until they had done it twelve times. After that, the ceremony was over, and the Crusaders began cleaning up the area and packing their things up to head back to base. Tidus and his friends were going back with them for debriefing and decontamination. Jecht would return later, as he was leading a small group to try and track down the aliens who had piloted the Toilenator, since everyone had seen them getting flung away when the robot exploded. They thought the aliens might have landed somewhere on the island, so were going to try and find them before heading back as well.

After getting checked up by the medic to make sure they were all right, and being given a preliminary decontamination screening, the group was loaded into the back of a pickup truck which would take them back to the Crusaders HQ in town. Darlene was up in front with the driver, while Auron sat in back with everyone else. The group of friends was silent for a while, trying to process everything that had happened that long day, especially near the end. They were all tired, and not certain what to do next, now that the crisis was over.

The quiet was broken when Paine suddenly spoke up. "You know, I think I'm warming up to this place."

These were the first words any of the group had said to each other since the ceremony had ended, so it took a moment for them to realize she had been talking to them. "What do you mean?" Yuna, sitting beside Tidus, asked her friend.

Paine shifted to get more comfortable. "I still want to find a way to get home to Fairyworld, but…I don't think I'm in as much of a hurry to leave as I was before." She smiled at the Destiny Island natives. "If everyone on this world is like you and those soldiers back there…I don't think I'd mind staying for a while."

"Me neither," Yuna said, smiling and hugging Tidus, causing the blond to flush.

"Awwww, so cute! Yunie's got a boyfriend!" Rikku sang. "About time!"

"Yes, I do," Yuna agreed, causing Tidus to almost choke and go into a surprised coughing fit while Wakka and Chappu laughed at him. "Now you two just need boyfriends, and we're all set!"

Rikku and Paine glanced at Wakka and Chappu. The brothers stopped laughing and turned pale. Eyes wide with horror, they quickly and loudly began protesting. "N-no way, mon! I'm dating Lulu!" Wakka yelled.

"Y-yeah, me too!" added Chappu.

Rikku frowned. "Well, you can't _both_ be her boyfriend…can you?"

Wakka rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "It's, ah, kind of complicated, ya…"

"Just like Tidus' relationship with his dad! Er, sorry brudda," Chappu apologized quickly when Tidus glared at him.

"No, it's okay," Tidus said with a sigh after a moment. "We aren't really very close. But…" He shrugged. "I dunno. I think something's changed, today. Don't you think so, Auron?"

Auron, who had remained quiet for the time being, nodded. "I think so, too. And all it took to bring the two of you closer together was an attack from a giant toilet from outer space."

They laughed at that, and relaxed, and started discussing other things, like their adventures that day or in the past, and their families and homes and how different and yet similar they all were despite being from two separate worlds, while Selphie, still bound and gagged, dreamed of marrying a hunk of cheese.

…

Elsewhere, in a distant solar system…

In the darkness of outer space, all was silent, save for the rumbling music of the spheres (although it was too low for human ears to detect) and the sound of swords clashing, again and again, as a pair of incomparable warriors who didn't need to be bothered by something as insignificant as a lack of oxygen or the laws of physics fought each other with all their might. There was also very operatic music playing in the background, but that was a given.

"You cannot defeat me, Cloud," Sephiroth called to his nemesis seductively (ew, not that way) as he glided back from Cloud's savage attack. The spiky-haired warrior had managed to split his giant sword in two, and was trying to hack away at Sephiroth with both blades, to little avail. On the other hand, Sephiroth had been unable to do much damage to Cloud either with his incredibly long Masamune, so at the moment an outside observer would say they were probably still evenly matched. "The darkness in your heart knows no boundaries, and so neither do I."

"Shut up!" Cloud snarled, lunging at him with both swords. Sephiroth dove to the side and lashed out at Cloud as he passed by. Cloud deflected the strike with one of his swords and used the force generated by the blow to flip over and thrust his second sword at the one-winged angel's bare chest in what could have been a killing strike…

If Sephiroth's wing hadn't interceded, covering its master's chest and deflecting Cloud's blow. Cloud grimaced as the recoil from his failed attack sent him tumbling backwards through space. The damn appendage was harder than steel! Sephiroth laughed, amused by Cloud's futile struggle, and summoned a dozen or so balls of dark energy which streaked towards the spiky-haired swordsman. Cloud easily avoided, deflected, or destroyed the projectiles, just as Sephiroth knew he would. The incarnation of darkness smirked at Cloud as he watched his foe wear himself out. "You cannot conquer the darkness, Cloud. It's far too strong. Just give in already, and let it all end."

"Never!" Cloud howled, combining his two swords into one big blade again and lunging at Sephiroth with an overhead slash. "I will defeat you, and then my nightmare will end!"

Sephiroth cackled and easily repelled Cloud by holding the Masamune horizontally before him and thrusting against his opponent's strike, following it up with a swift and deadly twelve-strike combo which Cloud only barely managed to defend against. "Your nightmare will never end, Cloud. Not until you do." He spread his arms wide and sailed backwards, trailing black feathers in his wake. "Let me show you why you cannot win…why the dark side shall always prevail! Bear witness to this, my newest and most powerful technique!" Cloud steeled himself as Sephiroth began gathering power, not sure what to expect from his archnemesis. It could be a spell of dark magic, or an ultra-powerful sword strike, or something the likes of which he had never imagined. Whatever it was, though, he refused to let it overcome him. He would not allow Sephiroth to get the last laugh, not now, not ever!

Sephiroth threw his head back and laughed; a dark aura crackling around him and his theme song in the background rising in volume dramatically…and suddenly, a tremendous comet appeared out of nowhere, a great ball of fire with a tail millions of miles long, streaking through space. It passed by the two swordsmen, sending them flying in its wake, and approached what had once been the ninth planet of the solar system they were currently in, but had recently been downgraded by the system's inhabitants to 'dwarf planet' because they thought it was too small to be a 'real' planet. The poor stellar object's luck was about to get a lot worse, sad to say, as the giant comet collided with the dwarf planet, shattering it completely and allowing the comet to continue unhindered on its path of destruction. It passed the eighth and seventh planets without destroying them, and only flew through the enormous rings of the sixth planet, a gas giant, obliterating a number of the rock, ice, and dust particles making up those rings and altering their layout completely. The comet then approached the fifth planet, a tremendous gas giant and largest object in the solar system save for the sun, and passed through it, tearing a huge hole right through its center and causing it to explode moments after the comet had flown away. Passing through the asteroid belt separating the inner ring of the solar system from the gas planets and stellar objects outside, the comet shot by the four tiny, solid planets orbiting nearby and smashed into the sun, ripping out of the other side and continuing on its way. However, its collision with the sun was not without consequence. By ramming into the star and tearing right through it, the comet had caused a catastrophic chain reaction which caused the sun to go nova many millions of years early, exploding outward in a horrific ball of pure heat and energy which vaporized the four solid planets as it expanded (causing the people inhabiting the third planet to die in horrible burning agony), engulfing the asteroid belt and the last three gas planets as well as it proceeded to consume the entire solar system.

Cloud and Sephiroth stared at the ball of fiery nuclear death slowly approaching them, jaws dropped in disbelief. "Holy shit," Cloud said finally.

"Y-yes," said Sephiroth. "Er, I mean, such is the power of the dark side! No mortal can defy such awesome, omnipotent might!" _Good lord, did I do that?!_

Actually, he had not. The comet responsible for the total destruction of that solar system had not been summoned by Sephiroth at all, and for that matter wasn't even a comet! If an outside observer had a powerful enough telescope capable of penetrating the flaming exterior of the great ball of fire, he or she would see that at its core were two beings of unfathomable might, locked in a struggle of unbelievably cosmic consequence as they grappled for dominance!

"Whoo-ee, didja see that?" Satan remarked as he tried to strangle Oberon with his lower arms, pummeling the Fae lord's face with his upper-left arm while using his upper-right to grip Oberon's left wrist and keep it out of the way. Oberon had managed to keep his right arm free and was furiously trying to break the demon king's grip on his neck, to little avail. Oberon's legs were also free, and kicking at Satan's spider-like ones to keep them from skewering his lower body. "Good thing we moved away from Dark City…I think we caused a heckuva lotta collateral damage back there! Not that either of us care, though, we're both pretty heartless that way, huh?"

"Cease your prattling, demon!" Oberon snarled, gathering magical energy. "And…RELEASE ME!" His aura flared and erupted in an incredible explosion which destroyed the flaming energy sphere that had formed around them due to their epic struggle…but while it buffeted Satan, it utterly failed to shake the demon king off, or even faze him in the slightest.

"What, that all you got?!" Satan guffawed, punching Oberon again. "Come on, dawg, I know you can do better!"

"Quite right!" Oberon snarled, eyes crackling with energy. "How about _this?!_" Laser beams of incredible power seared forth from his eyes, aimed at Satan's face.

Satan wasn't bothered by this attack, either. His shades glinted, and when Oberon's lasers struck them, there was a flash of energy, and then the beams were reflected right back into the elf's face, causing him to cry out in pain and throw his head back, eyes squeezed shut and temporarily blinded, his face sizzling. "Whoa there, looks to me like your tan's not finished! Here, let me give you a HAND!" Releasing Oberon's wrist, he reared back with his upper-right arm. The Leviathan hell-serpent wrapped around the limb hissed and reared its head, opening its jaws wide and unleashing a blast of fire right into Oberon's face, causing him to scream again. "Whoops, looks like I used too much heat, I was just trying to give you a tan, not melt your face off! Or was I? Bwahahahaha!"

However, it seemed that releasing Oberon's left arm was a mistake, because now the Fae lord had both arms free. He used this to his advantage at once, thrusting both of them forward and pressing his palms into a surprised Satan's face. Before the demon king could pull them off, Oberon unleashed a very powerful blast of magical energy point-blank into Satan's face. Even with the reflective sunglasses, Oberon was betting that attack would hurt, and he was right. Satan roared in pain and released Oberon's neck, clapping all four hands to his burning face, allowing Oberon to get some much-needed space and heal his face. Snarling in fury, Oberon gathered his power and fired two tremendous beams of raw magic from his hands, knowing that relying on particular elements would have little effect against the ruler of Hell, assuming that the other six demons he was drawing power from provided him with protection against certain elements the same way Lucifer granted him immunity to holy or light-based attacks.

Growling, Satan withdrew his hands as he recovered from the previous attack and thrusted all four hands forward, releasing a blast of pure evil energy drawn from the deepest pits of his domain to counter Oberon's assault. The two opposing streams of raw energy collided between the two combatants, pushing back and forth against each other, gaining and losing ground in a power struggle between Oberon and Satan which, for the moment, seemed to be tied. Oberon drew on more of the magic he had stolen, and Satan called forth more power from his legions and prisoners in Hell, increasing the strength of both attacks and causing them to push against each other with such force that they exploded terrifically, sending the two duelists flying backwards millions of miles in opposite directions.

The two quickly recovered though, and sailed back through space towards each other, gathering power for the next clash. Oberon sprouted six extra arms and conjured swords to hold in each hand, each a powerful (and enlarged) legendary sword which he had taken from the chapel in Maleficent's castle using the Crystal of Ix, along with the warriors who wielded them. Satan, on the other hand, conjured a big iron trident to wield in his upper-left arm, while his lower arms snapped off two of his spider legs, straightened them, and wielded them like spears, while the hell-serpent on his upper right-arm shrieked and trailed fire from its mouth. His other legs flexed upwards, stiffening to form four more spears aimed forward at Oberon. Covering great tracts of space in seconds, the combatants collided, engaging in battle once more. Oberon's eight swords clashed against Satan's spears and trident, sparks flying as they came together again and again, thrusting and slashing and parrying in their struggle to overcome the other. Oberon's four lowest arms managed to sever the spider legs they were dueling with, causing them to drift off into space, darkness oozing from them and from the wriggling stumps still attached to Satan's body.

Satan grimaced, but managed to thrust forward with both of his lower arms and drove the spears he was holding into two of Oberon's shoulder joints, piercing them and causing the attached arms to flail helplessly, losing their grip on their swords as they tried to remove the spears driven through them. The two blades slipped from the wounded hands and tumbled slowly away into space. Some of Oberon's swords slashed down to cut off the offending limbs, but Satan let go of his spears and pushed himself backwards before his arms could get chopped off, spreading his wings and firing several hundred feather-like arrows of light from them at Oberon. The Fae lord put off pulling out the spears in his arms long enough to cross his six remaining swords before him as a shield to deflect the arrows. He retaliated to the attack in kind once it was over by slashing at the air with his swords, sending several energy blades spiraling through the air towards Satan.

Satan spun his trident in front of him, deflecting the energy blades, and then lashed out with his upper right arm, the hell-serpent spitting a tremendous fireball at Oberon. Oberon's eyes flashed, generating a burst of psychic force which caused the fireball to explode. However, in that split second when his focus was diverted, Satan's severed limbs, which Oberon had stopped paying attention to after he had cut them off, struck the Fae lord from behind, flying through space at incredible velocities and piercing through his back and out his front, causing him to gasp and spit up blood and ichor, similar bodily fluids oozing out from where the spider legs were sticking out of his chest.

While Oberon was gasping for breath, Satan shot forward and drove his trident into Oberon's torso, burying the three tines of his weapon in the giant elf's body. The iron in the trident immediately began to poison Oberon, causing his hair to shrivel up and his skin to wither from a healthy blue to a dull, decayed brown. His swords flickered and vanished, and two of his eight arms faded back into his body as Oberon's power weakened. Satan grinned and laughed, and pushed his trident further into Oberon's body. The Fae gasped…but managed to regain some strength, despite the poisonous iron penetrating his body. With two of his four remaining arms, he grabbed the shaft of the trident, ignoring how it burned his hands, and with his other two arms, reached out and grabbed Satan's shoulders. As Satan gave him a perplexed look, Oberon gritted what few teeth hadn't rotted away due to the iron infection and simultaneously pushed with one set of arms and pulled with the other, dragging Satan closer to him and causing the demon king to impale himself on the butt of his trident, which rammed through the open Hellmouth in his torso and ripped out through the stomach of the shapely female form growing from his back. Satan roared in pain and fury, while the female on his back shrieked in agony. Oberon cackled madly, drawing back one of his arms and stretching out the withered claw-like fingers on his hand, intending to thrust it forward and spear his fingers through Satan's eyes, destroying those abominable sunglasses in the process.

Before he could do that, however, Satan's afro abruptly leaped off of his head, sprouting four bat wings, a circular fanged mouth at the bottom, and a single eyeball on a tendril extending from the middle. As Oberon stared at the living chapeau in disbelief, the animate afro screeched shrilly and swooped down on him, landing on top of the elf's head. As Oberon blinked incredulously, thinking to himself how stupid he must have looked wearing an afro, the living hairpiece hissed and suddenly buried its fangs into the top of the elf ruler's skull.

Oberon howled in pain as the parasite drove its teeth into his brain, allowing Satan to grab his trident with his upper left hand, pressing all three of his others against Oberon's chest and releasing an incredibly powerful energy blast that ripped the elf off the trident and sent him tumbling away through space. Satan grunted, then got a better grip on the trident stuck through his chest and wrenched it out, causing trails of darkness and magma to spurt out from both sides before the wounds sealed up. Sighing in relief, he whistled. The spider legs he had rammed through Oberon's body and shoulders, as well as his afro, wiggled and violently ripped free from the Fae lord, causing the elf to cry out as more blood gushed everywhere. The limbs and hairdo raced back through space and eagerly reattached themselves to the devil king's body, making him complete once more. "Whoo, you're a feisty one, dawg!" Satan said, flying over as Oberon panted and tried to recover from his wounds, his skin regaining its regular color and his hair growing back. "Still, I thought you could do better than that! That ain't really all you got, is it dawg? If so, there's no way you're gonna win, you need a lot more power than that to last three rounds with the Master of Evil!"

Oberon snarled at Satan, an odd gleam in his eye. "You know…I do believe you're right, demon. I have not yet tapped into the full potential of my stolen magic…but if what I've used so far is so ineffective, then it is clear I must obtain more power. And I think I know just where to get it, too!" He vanished in a flash of light.

Satan blinked. He glanced around in confusion. Then, slowly, an expression of utter fury and indignation twisted his face. "Oh…oh _NO_! He did _not_ just go there!" Flames angrily blazed out from all over his body. "I don't care who this sucka thinks he is, but no one, I repeat, _no one, _runs out on a fight with the main man!" His eyes flared underneath his sunglasses. "That fool's gonna _suffer_ for this. Hehehehe…" He grinned sinisterly. "More than he was already gonna, anyway. Oh, I can't _wait_ to see the look on his face when he finds out what I've been up to in his hood while he's been out!" With a malevolent booming laugh, he vanished in a burst of darkness…

And space was silent once again.

…

The interior of Oberon, on the other hand…

"I think we're lost," Sora said.

Pete rolled his eyes. "Gee, what gave you _that_ idea, Einstein?"

Oberon's insides were much like what you would expect any giant being's insides to be like: damp, dim, and kind of smelly. Sora, Pete and Goofy were currently wandering down one of what seemed to be a virtually endless series of round, maroon, and clearly organic tunnels. Wriggling bacteria and cilia on the walls provided illumination, but the lighting was kind of creepy and only served to make the tunnels that much eerier. Fortunately, they had yet to encounter any sort of hostile resistance to their being there…for the moment, anyway.

"Gawrsh, fellas, I'm sure we're not lost, it's just that all these passages look almost exactly the same, a-hyuck," Goofy said. He paused, looking at one of the walls. "Say, does that there wiggling tentacle-thingy look familiar?" The other two groaned.

Shortly, they found themselves at an intersection. "So, which way do we go now?" Pete asked.

"Um…" Sora looked around him uncertainly, at all the passages that looked exactly the same. He was having trouble telling which one they had just come out of. They really were lost.

_Why don't you use that keychain Satan gave us? He said it'd be helpful,_ Roxas suggested.

_Yeah, but this is the Devil we're talking about. I'm only going to use that as a last resort. Let's try something else first…_ Sora closed his eyes and held his Keyblade, currently in Fenrir form, out before him. Then, he started spinning around in circles.

Goofy scratched his head in confusion. "Uh, Sora, what are you doing?"

Pete's eyes widened in horror. "Aw, crap, not this again! Quick, get down!" He dropped to the floor.

Goofy blinked. "Huh? What for—wa-hoo-hoo-hooey!" he screamed, jumping to the side before the Keyblade, hurled by Sora, could take his head off.

The door-opening sword whistled through the air and imbedded itself in the roof of one of the tunnels. Sora opened his eyes and smiled triumphantly when he saw where his weapon had gotten to. "We go that way!" he said, pointing down the tunnel. That's when the fleshy substance the Keyblade had imbedded itself in started convulsing violently, causing the entire tunnel complex to begin shaking. "Uh, that can't be good."

"You idjit!" Pete roared. "This's part of a living thing, not an inanimate castle! Do something crazy like that, attacking or hurting part of the big organism, and you'll draw all sorts of unwanted attention to us!"

Pete's prediction proved correct, in a flash of light they found themselves surrounded by a huge swarm of glowing Unseelie, clearly acting at Oberon's white blood cells. The evil Fae screeched horribly and attacked the trio. Sora, the voice in his head cursing vehemently, quickly called his Keyblade back to him and joined his allies in fighting the beasts.

One very long fight against endless numbers, followed by a desperate escape, later…

The party was gasping for breath, hands on their knees, trying to recover from the long and frantic dash they had made to safety. "God…huff…damn it…" Pete gasped, lying on the floor in exhaustion. "I…pant…hate running…"

"Well…huff….looks like we lost 'em," Goofy commented, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Yeah, and ourselves too," Sora sighed, catching his breath. "I don't think I should try that trick again anytime soon."

_Gee, you think?!_ Roxas said sarcastically.

"Hey, brat, why don't you try that keychain thingy Satan gave you?" Pete asked, sitting up, careful not to let his iron mace touch the floor or any other part of the organic tunnel, for fear of summoning another wave of Unseelie. "He said it might come in handy."

_Isn't that what I said?_ Roxas grumbled.

Sora frowned and pulled out the weird-looking keychain he had been given, contemplating it for a moment. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah, I mean, this's Satan we're talking about!" Goofy agreed. "The guy's known as the Prince of Lies, we can't really trust him, can we?"

"No, not really," Pete admitted. "But he wants to save Maleficent as much as we do. Well, as much as I do, anyway. So, he didn't really have much of a choice but to give us something at least moderately helpful, otherwise he knows we might never be able to rescue her! O 'course, there's probably some nasty side effect, since this is my father-in-law-to-be we're talking about, but hopefully it won't be too bad, because if it were it would get in the way of saving his daughter, know what I mean?"

"So in other words, it'll probably be bad in the long run, but not in the short?" Sora interpreted.

Pete nodded. "Or vice versa. Something like that."

Sora sighed. "Well, I don't think we have much of a choice at the moment…unless we want to try that pathfinding trick of mine again-"

"NO!" Pete and Goofy both yelled frantically.

"Possibly cursed keychain it is, then." Sora unhooked the Fenrir keychain from his Keyblade and stuck it back in his pocket. Then, taking a deep breath, he attached the Hellblazer keychain to his weapon. For a moment, nothing seemed to happen. And then…

The trio jumped as the keychain flashed, and fire blazed up all the way from the Keyblade's hilt to the tip, startling Sora and nearly causing him to drop his weapon as it was engulfed in flames. Bolts of black and white energy crackled up the length of the blade, causing sparks to fly everywhere and nearly light Pete's hair on fire.

_Wow,_ Roxas thought in amazement, as he and Sora watched the Keyblade transform before them. _Is this a good thing…or a bad thing?_ Sora wasn't too certain himself.

Finally, the fire flaked away, extinguishing itself and revealing the Hellblazer Keyblade. It was pretty impressive-looking, rather than a single shaft the blade had two, interlocking and twisting about each other like a pair of snakes, one white and the other black. The white one was smooth and fluted, somewhat pretty really, with blue runes glowing in soft blue light along its curving length. The black shaft, on the other hand, was jagged and angular, rather unsightly, with numerous thorns and spikes sprouting from its sides and angry-looking red sigils burning on its surface. The twin shafts joined together at the very end of the weapon, forming a golden spiral-grooved cone with gems set into it for a tip. The Keyblade had three 'key' prongs, one on the white shaft and two on the black. The white prong was shaped like a bat wing, which was odd since it was pale as ivory, while the black prongs looked like raven wings, such as the wings of darkness Sephiroth touted. The hilt guard was formed from a pair of similar wings, except the white wing was like a bird's and the black wing was like a bat's, curved around the handle and meeting at the bottom.

"Whoa," said an awestruck Sora.

_Wicked,_ Roxas said eagerly.

"Gawrsh, that's quite a neat blade!" exclaimed Goofy. "Feels kinda weird, though…"

"So, that thing telling you where you need to go?" Pete asked.

Sora frowned. "No…it's…" He blinked, eyes going unfocused. "Something…feels weird…" He grimaced and clutched his head. "Ugh…my…HEAD! Feels like it's splitting in…half!" As he said this, a glowing line suddenly ran down from the top of his head to his groin and up the backside, dividing his body into two identical halves. The Keyblade started glowing brilliantly, as did the line dividing Sora in half, and then the boy himself began to glow…

And then, with a sound like an explosion in reverse, the two halves of Sora were split apart, each one hurtling several feet away and hitting the soft, spongy floor with a thud. (Thankfully, it wasn't enough of an impact to summon the Unseelie.)The two halves lay there as Pete and Goofy gaped wordlessly, the glow slowly fading to reveal a pair of humanoid figures, each of which somewhat resembled Sora.

"Aw, shit," Pete said finally.

"SORA!" Goofy cried, running to the nearest boy-shaped form and lifting it in his arms. "Sora, speak to me!" He blinked. "Hey, wait, you're not Sora."

And it wasn't. The boy who shook Goofy off and staggered to his feet, clutching a Keyblade comprised solely from the white half of the Hellblazer, looked a lot like Sora but was most definitely not him. For one thing, his hair, while spiky, wasn't quite the same shape as Sora's, plus it was blond. Also, instead of Sora's usual red and black clothes, the boy was wearing a white short-sleeved jacket over a black zip-up vest with a large arrow-tipped metal X for the zipper. He had baggy jeans that were black on top and gray on the bottom for some reason. His sneakers were black with gray soles and red straps holding them together. He wore a checkered wristband on his left arm and a black and white cloth ring on his index and middle fingers. "Um…no," said the boy, blinking and looking just as surprised to see Goofy as Goofy was to see him. "I'm Roxas."

"Who?" Goofy and Pete asked, dumbfounded.

"You know, Sora's Nobody, Number XIII of the Organization, the little voice in his head…" Roxas prompted.

"Oh, right!" Pete said. "I remember you; you're that figment of Sora's imagination or split personality or somethin', right?"

Roxas glared at him. "Well, I suppose that's _one_ way of looking at it…"

"Gawrsh, now I remember, we saw you after we beat Xemnas at the top of the Castle that Never Was…wait, but if you're here, then where's Sora?!" Goofy cried.

"Um, I'm right here," said the other human-shaped figure that had split off from Sora moments ago, getting to his feet.

The trio turned to look…and Goofy screamed and jumped into a terrified Pete's arms, while Roxas blinked in astonishment. "Bro?!" he said. "Is that you?!"

"Yeah," the thing said in Sora's voice. "Why is everyone looking at me like I'm a monster or something?"

"Um, that's kind of because you are," Roxas said.

"Huh?" The thing with Sora's voice looked down at himself and saw that he was a Sora-shaped Heartless, complete with black skin, clothes so dark that they almost blended in with the rest of his form, streams of darkness swirling off of his flesh, eerie yellow eyes, claws, a jagged mouth, and spiky hair. He was holding a Keyblade that looked like the black half of the Hellblazer in one hand. "Oh. So I am. That's weird. Wonder how that happened."

"It musta been that cursed keychain!" Pete realized, dropping Goofy unceremoniously to the ground. "Satan musta given it the power to split you boys apart or something!"

"Oh yeah, that explains it," Roxas said.

"Makes perfect sense," agreed the Heartless Sora. "And that's why I'm a Heartless again, because without my Nobody, that's all that's left of me…or something…"

"G-g-g-gawrsh, Sora, y-y-you're n-n-n-not g-gonna gulp e-e-e-eat our h-h-hearts, are you?" Goofy stammered in terror.

"Hmm? Nah, don't worry. I wouldn't do that, you're my friends! Well, Goofy anyway," Sora reassured him, causing Pete to grimace. "Besides, Roxas got all my evil, just like he did the last time he was formed, so it's really him you should watch out for."

"He is?" asked a confused Goofy.

"This is so cool!" Roxas said to himself. "Now that I'm real again, I can do all the stuff I've always dreamed of! Like…killing Riku! And sleeping with Namine, whether she wants to or not! And…um…killing Riku! This is gonna be sweet!"

"Ah," said Goofy.

"Yep, sure seems evil to me," Pete agreed.

"What're you guys talking about?" Roxas asked.

"Nothing," they all said quickly.

"K. But, anyway, bro, isn't this great?! We're finally split apart! Weren't we just talking about this earlier?" Roxas said to Sora.

Sora nodded eagerly. "Yeah, this is better than we ever could have imagined! Won't Mom be thrilled?"

"Yeah, she's been hinting she wouldn't mind having a second helping hand around the house for a while now…" Roxas frowned. "Of course, this'd mean we'd have to sleep in separate beds, assuming I don't get a new room. I call top bunk."

"What? No way! That's not fair!" Sora protested. "We don't even have a bunk bed!"

"Yet," Roxas said with an evil grin. "But when we do, I'm gonna get top! I've got dibs!"

Sora hung his head in disappointment. "Aw, man…"

Goofy and Pete stared in disbelief as the brotherly banter continued. "Now that I'm free, I can finally sleep with all the hot women I've dreamed of! And men…"

"Uh, no you don't, not while I'm chaperoning," Sora said sternly.

"Ha! Not anymore you're not, now that we're split, you can't control me anymore!" Roxas boasted. "Plus, I think most people would attack you on sight, now that you're a Heartless."

"Huh?" Sora blinked. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, shit, you're right! Crapcrapcrap, I can't go home looking for this, the Crusaders might kill me on sight! And if they don't, I wouldn't be surprised if Mom did by accident…um…shit, do you think Kairi can fix this?"

Roxas blinked. "Fix it?"

"Yeah, she turned me back to normal the last time I became a Heartless, remember?"

Roxas frowned. "Oh, right…" There went his plans for all the mischief and havoc he could wreak with his brother the Heartless. Oh well. "Hey, do you suppose we could find a way to split Kairi and Namine apart, too?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, that would be cool, wouldn't it?" Sora realized.

"Yeah, because it would be sort of awkward to date them while they're still stuck in the same body," said Roxas. "I mean, how would that work? Would we take turns? Or would we all go out at the same time? Imagine how awkward that would be…especially in bed! Hmm, I wonder how would Riku feel about that?"

Sora flushed, or he would have, if Heartless had blood that could flow to their cheeks. "Roxas!"

"What? I know you were thinking the same thing!" Roxas accused.

"I was not!"

"Of course you were, I'm you, remember? I know your mind! If I was thinking it, so were you!" Roxas affirmed.

Sora shook his head. "Nuh-uh! You're all my evil, pent-up aggression, and perverted-ness! I've got none of the nasty stuff you have now that we've split up!"

Roxas smirked. "Says the talking Heartless."

Sora grimaced. "Aw man…"

"Uh, boys, sorry to interrupt," said a totally perplexed Goofy. "But…um…now that you two are all, you know, split up, a-hyuck, what exactly do we do now?"

There was a pause. Both halves of Sora got contemplative looks on their faces. "Um…good question," Roxas admitted.

Sora frowned. "Satan said this keychain would help us out…but other than allowing Roxas and me to split up, I don't really see what the point is."

"And what's the downside of it, anyway?" Pete wondered. "I mean, if the Devil gave it to you, it's gotta have a downside!"

Sora laughed. "Isn't it obvious? The downside is that Roxas has been unleashed onto the universe once more!"

"Hey!" Roxas snapped. He paused. Then a sinister expression came over his face. "Heh, I like that. The return of Roxas, last of the dread Organization XIII! Er, next to Zexion, that is. May the universe tremble before me as I shatter worlds and take all the hot babes and guys to my bed! Bwahahahahaha!" He stopped, noticing the other three looking at him uneasily. "What? I was joking! Sorta."

The four started brainstorming, trying to figure out just what the benefit of this new keychain was and how it would help them. After a few moments, Pete struck on the answer. "Oh! Oh! I got it!" he cried. "Merlin said we gotta find Oberon's heart, right? 'Cause that's where the Crystal of Ix and all the people he's kidnapped are!" The other three nodded. "So…what's better at finding a heart than a Heartless?"

Realization dawned on them. "Whoa, that's brilliant!" Roxas said. "Didn't know you had it in you, Pete!"

"That's gotta be it!" Goofy said. "Sora, can you find Oberon's heart?"

"Hmm…" Sora tapped his chin with a claw thoughtfully. He sniffed the air. "Hold on." His Keyblade disappearing, he crouched down on all fours and sniffed at the ground. He raised his head up, looked around, and crawled over to the wall. They watched in amazement as, still sniffing, he climbed up the wall and onto the ceiling. He turned around in a few circles, sniffing about, before stiffening and pointing back the way they had come. "That-a-way!"

They quickly rushed back up the tunnel, Sora scampering across the ceiling and leading the way, until they reached an intersection. When they did, Sora sniffed the air again, and then set off down a different passageway, leading them deeper into Oberon's body. He repeated this at every intersection they came to, and after a while the similar-looking corridors began getting redder and fleshier, and a gradual downward slant was noticeable in the floor.

"I think we're on the right track," Goofy said optimistically when they stopped for a moment to rest.

Pete, panting and trying to catch his breath after all the running they had been doing, wiped away some sweat from his brow. "How can you be so sure? Feels like we've been running through this place for miles and miles!"

"I know we're going the right way," Sora said confidently, dropping down from the ceiling. "I can smell it in the air. I can't really describe it, but…I just know, without a doubt, that Oberon's heart is this way. Is this how Riku's heightened senses work? Interesting..."

"Riku…that reminds me, I still have to kill him," Roxas commented.

"What'd Riku ever do to you, anyway?" asked an appalled Goofy.

"Beat me up, kidnapped me, helped DiZ reprogram my brain, then shunted me into a virtual reality based on Twilight Town as part of a plan to reintegrate me with Sora that took absolutely none of my personal feelings and hopes into account," Roxas said flatly.

"Oh."

"We have to rescue the kid first," Pete said, stretching his back and legs to work out some kinks in them. "Then you can kill him."

"Okay," said Roxas, finding that perfectly reasonable.

"Let's keep going," Sora said. "We're at least halfway there."

"Only half?!" moaned Pete. "Aw, man, why do we have to do all this walking?" Grumbling and muttering and complaining under his breath, Pete followed the others as Sora led them deeper into Oberon's innards.

…

What none of the four intrepid heroes knew as they trekked through the Fae lord's body was that they were being watched at that moment by the very foe they had sworn to defeat. How could this be possible, you wonder, if Oberon was currently fleeing Satan in search of more power? It was quite easy, actually. For a being with mental powers as advanced as Oberon's, it was simplicity itself to divide his consciousness so that he could focus on more than one matter at once. So while one part of him was concentrated totally on locating the magic he needed to defeat Satan, another part of Oberon was observing the approaching heroes (and antiheroes) with disgust.

"So, those pitiful mortals think that they can defeat me?" he sneered. "Ha! What fools. I shall greatly enjoy proving their bravado and overconfidence falsely placed. And after I have dealt with them, and that buffoon Satan, and drained magic from all the worlds…I shall seek out Merlin and make him pay for this treachery!"

Cape swishing behind him, he whirled around to face the now-enormous Crystal of Ix floating in the center of his heart-space, dispassionately observing the poor souls trapped within, frozen in time and space and utterly unable to do anything to oppose him. Somewhat ominous-looking energy was crackling around the jewel as the magic within started reacting negatively to being mixed together, but the Fae lord paid it no heed. Oberon smirked triumphantly. "They honestly believe they have a chance…that because they have a sentient Heartless and the Keyblades on their side, that they can strike me down and unleash the power that I have obtained."

His features twisted into a sinister grin. "They think they can win…because they have the power of the Keyblade…" He started chuckling. "The Keyblade. Heh. Heheheheh…" He stretched out his arms, his chuckle deepening into a laugh. "Hahahahahaha!" There was a flash of light, and King Mickey's Reverse Kingdom Key appeared in his left hand. "Ahahahahahahahaha!" There was a burst of darkness, and Riku's Way to the Dawn appeared in Oberon's right hand. "Wahahahahahahaha!" The elf threw back his head and kept laughing, as Kairi's flowery Keyblade and Nosimono's dark Keyblade both appeared next, floating obediently in the air around him. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Oberon's prisoners could only watch mutely, their eyes frozen open in horror, cursed with the knowledge that Sora and Roxas would soon be fighting an opponent the likes of which neither of them had ever really confronted before. (Unless you counted that one time in Hollow Bastion where Xehanort possessed Riku and used that dark Keyblade.)

Another Keybearer of unfathomable power…one who had no problem with bringing all worlds to ruin.

…

The three armored figures stared into the pool in disbelief. "Well, _fuck_," said the shorter male.

"You're telling me," agreed the female. "_Now_ can we do something?! Surely _stealing_ a Keyblade, let alone four of them, is an offense requiring our personal intervention!"

"Normally, yes," the largest figure said. "However, the circumstances in which Oberon has obtained these Keyblades are…irregular, to say the least. Since he gained the Keyblades by absorbing their true wielders and making them a part of himself, if only for the time being, he is _technically_ their rightful wielder…so long as he still keeps the true Keybearers imprisoned within himself."

"That's bullshit!" the shorter male cried.

"It is," agreed the taller male. "Unfortunately, there has never been a time when something like this has occurred before now, and so there has never been a law to punish it. Oberon has, unluckily for us, found a loophole in the rules. If he had stolen those Keyblades by any other method, we could punish him, but because there is no precedent for this occasion, we can do nothing."

"We really have to get around to changing those blasted rules," the female grumbled.

"After this crisis has passed, we can make a law to prevent something like this from ever happening again. But until that has happened, there is _still_ nothing we can do," the largest said.

"Why is that?" asked the female.

"Because even though Oberon stole those Keyblades, the fact that he has absorbed their rightful wielders technically makes him a Keybearer, and thus subject to our protection as well as our penalties, for we are the guardians of the Keyblade," the largest explained.

"But he's a thief! And crazy and evil!" the shorter male protested.

"He may have stolen his Keyblades, but since there was no law prohibiting the specific manner in which he has stolen them, we cannot punish him. And there have been many crazy and evil Keybearers before him," the largest pointed out. "You know that as well as I. As the guardians of the Keyblade, we have no choice but to stay neutral and protect all Keybearers, no matter how vile they are, and do nothing unless they break the sacred laws which we uphold. After all, it is not we who decides who receives the Keyblade's power, we are merely the enforcers of the law. It is up to a higher power to decide who gains the Key…and what a person does with that power is their own choice, not ours."

"Wait," the female said. "If he's subject to our protection, but also to our laws, that means…"

"All we have to do is wait until he breaks one, and then we can punish him! Right?" the shorter male asked eagerly.

The tallest nodded…but there was uneasiness in his motions. "Yes…however…while we can punish him for the breaking of a law, there is only one crime for which we may remove his Keyblades and retrieve the wielders he has imprisoned. The most sacred rule of the Keybearers: 'Thou shalt not kill another who wields the Key.'"

It took a moment for his companions to realize the full implications of this. "No…you can't mean…" the female whispered in horror.

"That's ridiculous!" cried the shorter male.

"I am afraid it is the rule," the tallest said with a deep sigh. "For us to be allowed to intervene directly and strip Oberon of his power…he must be guilty of slaying another Keybearer. For us to act directly, either Sora or Roxas must die by his hand."

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

Well, I bet you weren't expecting _that_ little twist, were you? Come back next time, for when the action _really_ gets started…


	12. MagiCrisis pt 1: Clash of the Titans

And now that that interlude is finished, it's back to the main event(s)! Everyone in Dark City vs. the giant monsters, Satan vs. Oberon, and Team Sora vs….well, Oberon! Which side will prevail in this struggle that could tear apart the universe?

Well, you'll have to read to find out, silly. Duh.

…

Disclaimer: No characters, lands, or concepts in this chapter belong to me, other than Satan, the giant monsters (only sort of), the Hellblazer Keyblade, and a couple other things of that nature. Thanks to ninetalesuk for helping with the Royal Knights bit. Sebastian's monster form (and Mushu's too, I guess) inspired by Godzilla movies. Power Rangers Radiant Force is inspired by several seasons of Power Rangers, as is the Zurgrex. Moogletron is inspired by Voltron, naturally.

…

"Ah, home sweet home!" Zeus said, spreading his arms out joyfully as he stepped off a large transport cloud and onto a pavilion that allowed him a perfect view of the magnificent cloud sculptures and marble palaces of the gods which covered the peak of Mt. Olympus. "It's been far too long."

"We were only away for about a day or so," Hercules pointed out, stepping off the cloud and standing next to his father. "In fact, we would have been back last night if you hadn't insisted on stopping at planet Ventura to gamble and whore and generally party. I think Dionysus will be pissed that you didn't invite him."

Zeus laughed. "Ah, what's he going to do, throw up on me?"

"He could make you intoxicated and make you embarrass yourself in front of all the other gods," Hercules pointed out.

"He wouldn't dare!" Zeus growled. "I'll cut off his liquor if he does; let's see how he likes being forced to go cold turkey! Why is it called that anyway? Cold turkey, that is?"

Hercules shrugged. "Search me. I'm sure Athena would know. Speaking of which, I don't think she'll be happy that you lost her owl as collateral in a bet…or Ares because you gambled away his sword…and Uncle Poseidon's Trident…and Hermes' winged helmet…and Eros' arrows…and Aphrodite's jewelry and beauty products…and over a dozen nymphs…and Cerberus…and Mom's favorite necklace and jewelry…and one of your thunderbolts…and the soldiers that came to Dark City with us…and almost all of Olympus' munny, which is saying something, since we have a _lot_ of munny…" He frowned. "In fact, I think you would have put up _me_ for collateral if I hadn't put my foot down. I know you almost gave away Pegasus, and even Meg!"

"P'shaw," Zeus said, waving Hercules off as they walked down the stairs from the pavilion to a large marble courtyard below. "We'll get it back somehow. My boy, you worry far too much about the unimportant things in life."

"…I think those 'unimportant things' that you gambled away will at the very least result in you sleeping on the couch for the next century, and at the most in the other gods overthrowing you and kicking you off Olympus," Hercules said, rather disturbed by his father's clear disregard for how deeply angry the other gods were going to be at him for frittering away their belongings and wealth on bad bets and easy women.

"Let 'em try," Zeus said, still unworried. "I can beat them all with one hand tied behind my back! Did I ever tell you about that one time I won a game of tug of war all by myself, using just one hand, with all the other gods holding the other end of the rope?"

"Yes," said Hercules. "Fifty times."

Zeus frowned, somewhat disappointed. "Oh. And as for your mother not speaking to me…well, that's why I go and have lots and lots of sex with mortal women all the time. Speaking of which, I should probably get out soon and go back to doing that, otherwise I'll never beat Satan's record!"

"…Yeah. You do that," Hercules said slowly, not sure what else to say to his father. He found it astonishing at times that he had once looked up to this deity.

"I will," Zeus said cheerfully. It was at that point that they reached the courtyard, which was filled by over a hundred deities and their servants, making up nearly the entire population of Mount Olympus. "Ah, how wonderful! They've formed a committee to welcome us home!"

"Are you sure it's not a lynch mob?" Hercules muttered, noticing the angry looks on everyone's faces and the general feeling of discontent and hatred aimed at Zeus filling the air.

Hera, resplendent in her pink robes and golden hair (noticeably absent of any jewelry whatsoever) with a look of pure fury and malice twisting her face, was at the forefront of the mob of gods, and she gave Zeus a very cold grin as she stepped forward. "Husband," she said with mock cheer. "I see you've returned at last…late. Again. That wouldn't happen to be because you were out drinking and whoring and betting away our munny and most cherished possessions _without PERMISSION,_ _would it?!"_

"Yeah, and you didn't even invite me!" the fat, red-nosed Dionysus said unhappily. "What kind of a party is it if you don't let the god of all parties come along?!"

"One that won't cause a whole island to be sunken into the ocean," muttered Hercules under his breath, recalling one of the many misadventures of his youth.

Zeus fidgeted, his bravado from mere moments ago utterly deflating at the looks of resentment and anger the many, many other gods were giving him. He wondered briefly if perhaps he had finally gone too far. "Ah. Um…_boy, call that winged horse of yours and get ready to take both of us out of here!_" Zeus whispered to Hercules out of the corner of his mouth.

"No way, it's you they're angry at, not me," Hercules whispered back. "I don't want to piss them off! I may be super-strong, but I'm not invincible! That's Achilles. Well, aside from the heel."

"Traitor. See if I ever take you on a business trip again," Zeus growled.

"We can hear you, you know," Hera said curtly. The gods started rattling their weapons angrily.

"Damn superhuman hearing. Ah…Hera…honey…" He spread his arms, offering his wife (and sister) what he hoped to be a very charming grin but actually looked rather depraved and desperate. "I can explain."

"Can you?" Hera asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

"This should be good," muttered Athena.

Ares, her brother and immortal rival, nodded in agreement, his red armor clattering. "For once, dear sister, we are in total agreement."

"Well, you see, the thing is…" Zeus started. Whatever pathetic excuse he planned to give we'll never know, because it was at that instant that a great shadow blotted out the sun and covered all of Olympus in darkness. Apollo fixed this by spurring his fire horses into motion so that they pulled the sun out from behind the eclipsing object and repositioned it at an angle that bathed Olympus in light again. It didn't really do a thing about the object that had _cast_ the shadow, however.

"So, these are the mighty gods of Olympus!" Oberon boomed, his giant form looming over the mountaintop palaces of the gods and dwarfing the residing deities beneath him. "Their power shall be a welcome addition to my growing collection!"

"Collection?!" cried a startled Hercules. The gods started panicking. This was only natural, as the majority of them were decadent and lazy aristocratic deities who spent most of their time partying or manipulating the human world and rarely dirtied their hands with actual fighting, choosing to leave that sort of thing to mortals for the most part. Ares screamed like a girl and jumped in a vase, only to get stuck in the neck, his legs futilely wiggling in the air.

"Hey, nobody tries to collects the gods of Olympus and gets away with it!" Zeus said angrily, growing in size and summoning a glowing thunderbolt to his hand. "You may be Lord of the Fae, but I'm King of the Gods, and I say-"

"IXTALA!" Oberon spread out his arms, a brilliant burst of green energy flashing out from his torso and enveloping all the gods. The light reversed its flow once it covered all of Olympus and was sucked back into the elf's chest, dragging the screaming gods with it, absorbing them into Oberon's body. Not even the all-powerful Zeus or his valiant son Hercules was able to escape the power of Ix, and they too were absorbed. Apollo, seeing what was happening, cried in fright and whipped his horses to move faster, trying to get away, but Oberon saw this and once more called on the power of Ix, catching Apollo, his flying horses, and even the sun itself, and absorbing them all into himself. Darkness fell upon Greece, for without the sun-chariot racing across the sky there was nothing to bring light to the mythical land. The Grecians wailed in terror and woe, fearing that the end of days had come at last. Admittedly, they had thought the same thing the _last_ time the sun had vanished from the sky for a long period of time, but you can never be too certain, the end of the world only comes once after all. Usually.

Oberon flexed his arms, feeling newfound power flowing through his veins. His aura became brighter and more powerful, the radiance it emitted shining faintly upon Greece in a weak mockery of the sun that it had replaced. His muscles tightened and swelled very noticeably, his slim and elegant frame suddenly bulking up significantly and giving him the perfect physique of a bodybuilder or supermodel. Or, to be more precise, a _god…_ "Fascinating. Those layabout deities had more magic in them than I anticipated. All that combined with the power of the Underworld I managed to absorb before coming up here should make me more than a match for Satan now!"

"You know, down under we got a saying: don't count your souls as damned until you can actually hear their tortured screams of agony!" Satan quipped, appearing behind Oberon with a great crack and the smell of brimstone. "I gotta hand it to you, dawg, you're one fast sucker, I had to go through three worlds you drained of magical energy before I could catch up to you!" He shook his head, somewhat impressed. "Not bad, dawg, you managed to drain all the magic from Gemworld, Xanth, and Terabithia in record time, leaving them bland and monochrome shadows of themselves! Not too shabby, if I do say so myself! You know, if you decided to join my side, I think you'd do pretty nicely in the coming war with the forces of good. What'dya say? Wanna quit this 'absorb all magic' thing and come to work for the main man?"

"I would never work for one such as you! I know no 'sides' other than that of my own kind and everyone who is not one of them," Oberon sneered, energy crackling in his hands. "And your petty definitions of 'good' and 'evil' do not apply to one such as me!" He fired twin beams of raw energy, augmented by the godly power he had just absorbed, at Satan.

"Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, dawg," Satan chortled, thrusting his right arm forward and launching a devastating blast of fire with the strength of a solar flare from the hell-serpent head mounted there, colliding with Oberon's attack and pushing it back…for only a split second, after which the energy streams blasted through the fire, extinguishing it as they hurtled right for Satan. The demon king's eyes widened beneath his sunglasses. "Aw, crap," he said just as the attack struck him, the force behind the energy streams sending him flying far, far from Olympus, smashing him through mountains, valleys, forests and towns before he finally crashed into a peak several hundred kilometers away overlooking the city-state of Sparta, home of Ares and the warlike Spartans. Satan grunted and pulled himself out of the mountainside, causing rubble to tumble down at the city below, but he didn't really pay attention to it. "Hmm." He spit out a tooth, which twirled through the air and drove itself through Ares' temple/palace, causing it to collapse, destroying the nearby military academy in the process and killing thousands of Spartans. Satan chuckled and wiped some acidic blood from his jaw, the drops sprinkling down on the city and killing dozens more people. "Well, good to see he doesn't hit like a girl anymore."

The earth trembled, and there was a brilliant flash of green light in the distance, in the direction of Olympus, that spread out to cover the land, preceded by a great bellow of "IXTALA!" from Oberon. Satan's skin tickled as the light washed over him, but he felt nothing in particular aside from that. When the light faded, withdrawing back to the far-off Olympus, all of Greece seemed to be a much duller and darker place. All of the color had vanished from the land along with its magic, and the world now looked pretty much gray and dim and generally depressing. Even the citizens of Sparta, who had been equal parts panicking or readying their arms to fight just moments ago, had become rather bland and lackluster, as if defending their lives and the city were no longer especially important. They were standing or wandering about aimlessly, with no direction or purpose in mind. Some had even just lain down on the street, as if waiting to die. It was rather unnerving, or would have been if Satan didn't find it rather amusing.

Oberon, aura glowing even brighter and crackling with energy, landed only a few miles away, his footfalls shaking the earth and causing buildings to crumble. "So, I see you still live!"

"Yeah, it'll take more than a lame attack like that to kill me," Satan commented, summoning his trident. "Hell, I don't even think it's possible for me to die, not for lack of trying on the part of thousands of would-be assassins and heroes, anyway."

"Many immortals have said that over the years…and all of them have fallen!" Oberon boasted, gathering energy in his hands again.

"Yeah, maybe the same'll happen to you some day," agreed Satan. "Like maybe, I dunno, right now?" He drove his trident into the ground, causing the earth to split open and release a tremendous towering blast of volcanic energy which rose to the heavens as it zigzagged towards Oberon, explosions and flaming geysers forming in its wake and devastating the countryside.

Oberon snarled and twisted a hand, cutting off the source of the flame underground and snuffing out the geyser easily. "You think to harm me with the elements of this world?" Oberon scoffed. "I have absorbed its magic, and the power of its gods! I control all of this planet's natural forces, and more besides!" He gathered power to himself, and the earth trembled again. Satan scrambled out of the way on his insect legs as enormous vines erupted from the ground and twisted through the air towards him, seeking to entangle and ensnare him in their leafy grip. Satan pointed his hell-serpent at the vines and released a blast of super-hot flame which incinerated the plant life, while at the same time he hurled his trident at Oberon with his other hand, launching rapid-fire balls of darkness from his lower arms. Oberon teleported out of the way and reappeared in the air high above, clouds flocking above him at his command and swirling together to create a great thunderstorm. He raised a hand, and lightning shot down at Satan, great bolts of electricity composed of over a billion gigawatts of power each slicing down at the demon king.

"That supposed to scare me?" Satan barked. "You think this is bad, you should see some of the storms we get down in Hell! Now that's some _really_ bad weather!" His trident reappeared in his hand and he raised it just in time to catch all the lightning bolts on its three tines. The electricity crackled down the length of the trident and into his arm, where it passed through his body and back up the neck of the hell-serpent, which Satan pointed up at Oberon just in time for the snake's jaws to yawn wide open and fire a tremendous blast of red lightning up at Oberon. The Fae lord was startled, but only for a moment. He quickly summoned another lightning bolt to his hand, shaping it with his will into the form of a mighty spear, and hurled it down at the mass of red energy racing up at him, which had by this point taken on the form of a roaring serpentine monster. The spear hurtled down the gullet of the roaring electric monster, causing both to explode in a terrific blast which pushed both combatants backward, crumbled nearby mountains, and pretty much leveled poor Sparta.

Satan dug his spider legs into the ground to ride out the shockwave, then launched himself into the air towards Oberon when the force of the explosion lessened, his shades allowing him to see through the glare and fire to his foe's location. Oberon was able to see him as well, though, due to his heightened senses and magical power, and demonstrated his mastery of the elements once more by raising both his hands into the air and causing two enormous hands of stone to rip out of the ground, rising up on either side of Satan. As the demon king looked at both the hands in surprise, Oberon clapped his hands together, causing the stone copies to slam into each other, crushing Satan between them. They then retracted back into the ground, taking the afro-ed devil with them. Oberon smirked, thinking himself victorious…

Until the ground erupted in a terrific explosion of energy and magma which sent Oberon flying from the force of the blast. Rubble and flames flew everywhere as the earth crumbled apart and incinerated, becoming little more than a burning wasteland of lava which swallowed up Sparta and turned whatever was left of it into ashes. Satan, form glowing with heat and embers dripping from his form, emerged from the sea of flames with a great roar, his beautiful wings propelling him higher into the air to chase after Oberon. Oberon tried to control the fire below, forming it into spears and magma dragons to attack Satan, but they all rolled off the demon's black form harmlessly. Oberon supposed this only made sense, since Satan lived in the fiery domain of Hell, and therefore was probably immune to most kinds of extreme heat and flame.

With that in mind, the Fae lord quickly led Satan off the Grecian peninsula and out to sea, reasoning he would have more of an advantage there, since water would naturally be the opposite element for a beat of fire like Satan. Oberon goaded the devil, hurling thunderbolts, energy blasts, tornadoes, and telekinetically thrown mountains, to keep Satan too distracted to realize where they were going until it was too late. Once they had gotten out far enough from shore, Oberon gestured with his arms, causing the seawater to draw back from the land, leaving much of the seafloor exposed to air and sunlight and revealing millions of fish, sunken temples, and destroyed ships, some of which still had treasures glittering in their holds. As the sea creatures flopped about pitifully and died of exposure, the water that had drawn back rose up as a tremendous tsunami miles high, more than powerful enough to devastate a goodly amount of Greece and, with any luck, Satan as well. The devil king paused in his pursuit as he saw the giant tidal wave surging towards him, the cocky Oberon floating behind it, arms crossed and a smug look on his face. Satan growled in annoyance and frustration, pissed that the little punk thought something like this was going to stop him. After all, just because he was pretty fond of fire didn't mean he wasn't knowledgeable in other elements of nature, too!

He twirled his trident in the air for a moment, gathering power and causing energy particles and crackling bolts of static to be drawn to it, before bringing it down, gripping it with both his big hands, and pointing it straight at the tsunami. A beam of pure cold from the icy Cocytus river fired from the tines of his trident, drawing heat from its surroundings as it flew through the air and struck the forefront of the great wave, causing its temperature to drop below the freezing point in seconds, frost rapidly spreading out from the beam's point of contact and swiftly turning the entire tsunami into a giant ice formation. As Oberon gaped in astonishment, Satan dashed forward, smashing through the frozen wave and out the other side, slamming into Oberon and causing both of them to tumble away through the air, fiercely exchanging blows as the ice collapsed behind them, the rest of the ocean rushing forward to reclaim the territory that had been exposed to the air, and then some, destroying quite a number of seaside towns and ports in the process.

The two fighters struggled like savage beasts, Satan clawing and biting and stabbing, while Oberon punched and kicked and cursed angrily. After several frantic, nasty minutes, the Fae lord finally managed to bring his feet up to Satan's chest so he could kick him away, giving him some space and a moment to catch his breath. As he healed from the many scratches and wounds he had gotten in their fierce fight, Oberon stretched out one of his hands towards the holy mountain off in the distance. "I call upon the power of the gods! Come to me, Blade of Olympus!" Using the divine power he had stolen, he was able to summon a bolt of lightning that streaked towards him all the way from Mount Olympus. He caught the bolt in his hand and swung it around, the energy exploding in a burst of light to reveal a shimmering broadsword glowing with godly power, blue-white magical energy forming the blade's edge and core. With a battle cry, Oberon shot towards Satan, blade raised high into the air. Satan sneered and flew back towards him, swinging his trident up.

The two collided in midair, their weapons clashing with a thunderclap which would have shattered windows if the people of this world had used them in glass. Incredible power crackled around the two warriors as they struggled, not just their weapons but their very minds pressed against each other with all their might, and yet neither was quite able to overcome the other. "You cannot win, demon!" Oberon roared as they fought on the physical and psychic planes, magic and crackling energy rolling off him in great rippling waves. "Among all my other magic, I possess all the power of the gods of Olympus! I possess the power of the Underworld and all the souls imprisoned there! I even control the power of the Titans and Gaia herself! You cannot possibly defeat such combined might!"

"Anyone ever tell you you talk too much?" Satan retorted, the air warping around him as he exerted more of his power to match Oberon's. "You may have all that power, dawg, but you don't have the slightest idea how to use it properly! It's too new to you, all you can come up with as a workable outlet for it is sheer brute force! Not that that's a bad, mind you, I appreciate brute force…I appreciate it a lot! But that kind of force has a time and a place, and there's more to a fight than just that!" He grinned. "And besides…when it comes to that kind of force, there ain't nobody who's got more of it than the main man! You may have the power of the gods of Olympus…but I got all the demons back in the hood backing me, yo, and the agony of the damned, and that's more than enough to beat your sissy gods!" He bellowed as he drew upon more of the power of Hell, darkness swirling around him and causing his muscles to bulk up even larger, causing him to look almost exaggerated in strength and sheer muscle mass. More energy crackled around him as he pushed his trident with renewed vigor against the Blade of Olympus, the air around him bursting into flame as wailing spirits flew around them. Oberon gasped in disbelief as he felt his mental defenses crumbling due to Satan's renewed onslaught, the magic sword in his hands starting to buckle against the force with which Satan was pushing at it. "N-no! This cannot be!!!"

Satan laughed as the Blade of Olympus began groaning, a thin crack beginning to run down its length. "Don't you know by now, dawg? _Nothing_ is impossible!"

The cracks grew, much to Oberon's horror. He tried to mend them, tried to strengthen the blade with magic, but nothing worked; both the sword and his psychic defenses were falling apart. And so there was nothing he could do when, with a final push of force from Satan, both shattered, the divine and psionic energies mixing together in a devastating feedback that triggered a multi-megaton nuclear explosion right in Oberon's face, causing the screaming elf to vanish in the atomic inferno.

Satan, who had teleported out of the way just before the energy released by the shattered mental defenses and magic sword went critical, watched with interest from several miles away as the great orange mushroom cloud rose higher and higher into the air, the shockwave from the explosion causing cities on the mainland and the many other small isles of Greece to crumble to pieces. "Whoo-ee," he said, smoking a cigarette he had lit from the flare of the nuclear blast. "That's not a bad explosion, if I do say so myself. Hmm, looks like he got out of there just in time, I don't sense hide nor hair of him anywhere hereabouts. Guess he went off to find some more magic, since it's no doubt clear by now he doesn't stand a chance against me with that measly amount he already has. Guess I'd better go after him and continue the ass-whupping, then." He chuckled evilly. "Man, I am having _way_ too much fun with this." He vanished in a burst of flame and darkness, following Oberon's psychic scent to whichever world he had fled to in search of more power, leaving the devastated Greece and its people behind in a blighted world devoid of magic.

The age of the gods had finally come to an end, and even if they returned, nothing would ever be the same again.

…

Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX and Abu Kong were still slugging it out in the streets of Dark City. The simian's mighty fists hammered and dented the robot's metal hull, while the mechanical marvel's steam-powered punches bruised the giant ape's skin and cracked bones. However, this still wasn't enough to bring the great monkey down; its endurance seemed endless, while Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX had only a limited amount of fuel.

If you considered human labor fuel, that is.

"Work faster! We need more power!" Mechanicles' voice shrieked through the boiler room over the two-way speaking horn running from his cockpit to the engine.

"Why don't you get down here and help us yourself?!" Razoul roared angrily, putting his shovel down for a moment and shaking his fist at the ceiling.

"Because I wouldn't last a second in that hot chamber, of course! I would wilt in mere moments from dehydration! I don't do very well in locales that cause excess perspiration," Mechanicles replied.

"Then how do you survive hot places like Agrabah or the desert?" Aladdin asked.

"I stuff a bag of ice cubes down the back of my tunic."

"Oh." Aladdin and Razoul exchanged disturbed glances.

"Work faster!" Mechanicles yelled again. "We are grappling with the simian; we'll need more power to break this deadlock!"

"Fine, fine," Razoul grumbled, picking up his shovel again and tossing more coal into the furnace. "You heard the scrawny egghead, work faster!" he bellowed to the other guards. "We'll never defeat that monkey or save the princess like this! More coal for the furnace!"

With the extra power being generated by the boiler, Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX began to gain the upper hand in its grapple with Abu Kong, pushing the gorilla back and forcing him to shift his footing lest he be knocked over on his back. Seeing this, Mechanicles quickly pressed the advantage he had been given, increasing the power flow to his robot's hands and causing them to begin to crush the giant ape's knuckles. Abu Kong howled in anguish, trying to wrench his aching hands from Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX's grip, but was unable to break free from the mechanical monster's iron hold. So, the ape did the next best thing and drove himself at his oppressor, ramming his head into the robot's cranium and causing it to stumble over backwards, releasing its grip on his hands in the process. Abu screeched in victory and lunged forward, forcibly curling his injured hand into a fist, ignoring the blinding pain, and landing a blow square on the robot's nose, crumpling it and causing Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX to topple over on its back and hit the ground, rivets and bolts flying everywhere. Abu Kong hooted joyously, and then with a grimace of pain forcibly reset the bones in his other hand, so both were workable, although sore as hell. He then howled raucously and beat on his chest to proclaim his dominance, for he had conquered the metal man, and ruled as king of this concrete jungle!

But Mechanicles' masterpiece wasn't through yet. Shaking its head as if to clear any fog or dizziness from its brain (actually to get rid of fluids leaking inside the cockpit), the robot managed to pull itself back to its feet and stand up to Abu Kong, who curled his lips back to show an intimidating display of his teeth. Regaining its footing and ignoring Abu Kong's threatening expression, Mechanicles Jr. Mk IX launched a steam-powered kick right for the simian's sternum. Abu Kong caught the robot's foot in his primitively-mended hands and twisted, knocking the machine man off its remaining foot and causing it to hit the ground face-first. Before it could recover, Abu Kong tightened his grip on Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX's leg and started swinging it about on the ground and through the air, breaking up pavement and battering the robot's body against the street and the sides of nearby buildings. The mechanical marvel's hull was dented seriously in several places, and cables and pipelines inside ruptured, decreasing the performance of the robot's interior workings and causing all sorts of angry red warning lights to flash on the terrified Mechanicles' control panel.

It was all the guards (and Aladdin) in the engine room could do not to be bounced around the chamber like pinballs, ricocheting off the walls and each other, as Abu Kong shook them about and smashed them into buildings and the ground repeatedly, as if the humanoid robot was little more than a big toy for the child-like giant ape to break at its leisure. "Dammit, Mechanicles, do something!" Razoul roared, hanging on to Aladdin for dear life as the chamber shook and turned over and over around them, coal and screaming guards flying all over the place. Steam was venting from several cracked pipes, and angry tongues of flame roared out from the open furnace.

"What do you think I'm trying to do?!" Mechanicles shrieked, frantically pushing buttons and pulling levers at his console with the air of a desperate man who had very little idea what he was doing. "It's almost impossible for a genius to think with all this shaking and bashing about!"

"Then THINK HARDER!" Razoul bellowed into the speaking horn, causing Mechanicles to flinch and recoil from his end back in the cockpit.

"Right, right. Um…aha! I have it!" Mechanicles cried. "To coin a phrase from one of my countrymen, 'Eureka!'" His hands flew at the robot's controls.

As Abu Kong lifted Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX into the air by the leg, preparing to smash the machine into the ground once more, the ape was surprised when the robot's leg detached from its body, leaving him holding nothing more than a severed limb. The dismembered body flew through the air, but before it could hit the ground its hands shot out, pushing off against the ground and causing the robot to flip back into the air, turning over and landing neatly on its remaining leg in a stylish pose. "Success!" And then it fell over due to its immense weight and lack of balance. "Ow."

Abu Kong stared blankly and scratched his head in confusion. Then he looked down at the severed leg in his hand and wondered why it was ticking loudly.

KABOOM!

Face and hand blackened with soot, dazed by the explosion caused by the self-destructing leg, Abu Kong toppled over backwards, hitting the street behind him and shaking the ground. His arms sprawled out to his sides in defeat.

"Ha-ha! Another victory for science!" Mechanicles crowed triumphantly. "Once more, technology proves that it can conquer the vagaries of magic and mysticism, even when manifested in the form of a giant gorilla!"

"What's happened?! How'd you defeat him?! Is Abu all right?!" Aladdin asked anxiously. Seeing as how he was stuck in the engine room, he didn't exactly have a window he could look through to see how his pet, sidekick, and best friend was doing.

"Oh, I detached one of Jr.'s legs and activated the auto-destruct bomb planted in it," Mechanicles said proudly.

Aladdin and Razoul looked at each other in confusion. "Um…why did you have an auto-destruct bomb planted in a _leg_?" Aladdin asked after a moment.

"To keep it from falling into the wrong hands and being reverse-engineered by a rival mechanist to use against me, of course!" Mechanicles scoffed, as if it were obvious.

Razoul blinked. "You have rival mechanists?"

"Well, no, not on our world" Mechanicles admitted. "But I might someday, now that we will be opened up to other worlds with more advanced technology! There's nothing wrong with being prepared for everything, after all."

"Ah," said Aladdin. He glanced at Razoul, and they both twirled a finger next to their heads in the universal sign of saying they thought someone (namely Mechanicles) was totally off his rocker.

"Wait, how do we know he's defeated?" Hassan asked anxiously. "Didn't he get up the last time he was knocked down, after you pushed him off a really tall building?"

"Hmm, good point," Mechanicles admitted. "Well, that's a problem easily remedied!"

As Abu Kong did indeed begin to stir and start to painfully pick himself back up, Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX levered itself up on one arm, and aimed its free arm at the giant ex-monkey, clenching its hand into a fist. The fist launched off the wrist of the arm, rockets igniting and cable unreeling behind it. Abu Kong turned, snarling, towards the robot just in time for the rocket fist to punch him full in the face, twisting his head back and nearly knocking him off his feet. As he staggered backwards, the fist rose into the air, then swooped back, grabbed Abu Kong by the hair on top of his head, and started to reel itself back in, dragging the simian unwillingly towards the prone robot. As Abu Kong angrily struggled against the hand painfully dragging him forward, Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX let go of the ground, causing it to fall back to the street but at the same time freeing up its other arm, allowing it to fire its second rocket fist at the giant ape. This resulted in Abu Kong getting a rocket punch delivered right to the gut, causing him to gasp and cough up saliva. The first fist let go of Abu Kong's hair and retracted a bit more, allowing the gorilla to stumble back a little. Before the giant ape could recover, though, both fists nailed him with a one-two punch, followed by a rocket-powered super uppercut to the chin that sent Abu Kong flying into the air. He arced upwards, eyes rolling back in his skull, and then he fell back to the street one last time, hitting it hard enough to crack the pavement and leave an indentation in the shape of his body. His eyes closed, and he didn't move.

Mechanicles anxiously counted the seconds since Abu Kong had fallen. "…5…6…7…8…9…10….yessssss! HE'S OUT!" Cackling joyously when he saw that not only was Abu Kong not moving, but he was also shrinking back to his original size, Mechanicles rang a nearby bell a couple of times enthusiastically. "And Mechanicles Jr. Mk. IX is the winner! Oh, I'm so proud, my dear boy! I knew you could do it, you're the best robot son in the world!" Sobbing blissfully, he hugged the control panel.

Down in the engine room, the guards and Aladdin looked at each other, shrugged, and made the 'he's crazy' sign. "At least he's not ranting about germs anymore, thank Allah for that blessing," Razoul muttered, shaking his head.

"Do you think they really are a threat?" one of his guards asked anxiously. "I mean, they're invisible, and all over us, and…"

Razoul sighed and put his face in his hands. "I swear, I'm going to wring that maniac's pencil neck someday."

"I'll help you," Aladdin grumbled. They glanced at each other ruefully; amused that for once there was something they both could agree on completely.

…

The city of Agrabah was one of stark contrasts. The city itself was largely made up of crumbling stone and clay buildings and tenements, with a rather large population of poor and homeless, despite numerous urban reform plans initiated by the Sultan. The ruler of Agrabah himself lived in a ridiculously huge palace with white towers tipped by immense golden domes, stretching across the horizon and looming over the rest of the city as if to remind the majority of its people of what they were never going to have, ever.

It was also a city that was frequently attacked by giant monsters, evil sorcerers, invading armies, ancient horrors and dark gods, and all sorts of other unsavory threats, so it was understandable why the appearance of a towering blue-skinned white-haired musclebound giant in regal cape and clothes in the middle of the city didn't make the townspeople panic as much as one might expect. "People of Agrabah, I have come for the magic of this world!" Oberon boomed, his voice carried by the winds across the city and to the desert sands beyond. "Do not interfere, and I shall leave your city undamaged!" An unafraid dog barked loudly, scurried around Oberon's foot, and urinated on his heel. The giant elf blinked and looked down in disbelief. Wrinkling his face in disgust, he obliterated the mutt with a thought and shook the dog piddle off his foot.

"Hey, do you think you could move your foot?" a peddler pushing a cart yelled up to the giant elf. "It's blocking traffic, how're we honest merchants supposed to get to the bazaar with your big shoe in the way?" Oberon blinked and stared down at him incredulously.

"Look mommy, it's a giant overly muscled blue woman!" a small child said eagerly to his mother.

"No dear, that's a man, though he does look rather feminine," his mother corrected. "He really should think about cutting his hair. And all those muscles don't really hide his elfin facial features; it's easy to see why you might be confused at first."

"How long d'ya think it'll take Aladdin and that big blue genie of his to flatten this boyo?" an old man sitting on a stoop asked his friends, sipping from a hookah.

"Assuming that thing _isn't_ the genie, goofing off as usual," a fakir sitting on a bed of nails nearby commented. "Five to ten minutes, sixteen at the absolute maximum. He's big and brawny, but I'm not particularly impressed, the giant dancing pink rhino that stopped by for a visit last week was much bigger, and the mud monster the week before was much more intimidating."

"Hey, aren't Aladdin, his Genie, and the Sultan out at some wedding in another kingdom?" a nearby merchant asked, collecting coins from a customer in exchange for some of his wares.

There was a long pause as everyone considered this. "Oh shit," the fakir said finally, eyes widening in horror.

The same realization seemed to be occurring to everyone else in Agrabah as well. However, before a full-fledged panic could break out, Oberon spread wide his arms and cried, "IXTALA!" His body flared, a brilliant flash of green light expanding outward to cover all of Agrabah, and the deserts and kingdoms beyond the city. The flash lasted for only a few moments, but when it receded it took with it all the genies, ifrits, spirits, magicians, artifacts, undead, mud men, pixies, giant jewel-encrusted sand sharks, and other mystical items and creatures living in that world. The color seemed to drain out of the world as well as all its ambient magic was leeched from the earth and air and absorbed into Oberon, filling him with even greater power.

The people of Agrabah, who had only moments ago been on the verge of a fearful riot at the realization that their hero and savior was not there to protect them, stopped listlessly in their tracks, their terror and panic fading along with the color and magic in the world. What was there for them to be frightened of? There was no reason for them to flee from death. It wasn't like their lives were especially worth living, anyway. Why shouldn't they lie down and die? Quite a few people did just that.

Oberon grimaced and clenched his fists, muscles tensing as he tried to integrate his new magic with the rest of the power stored in the Crystal of Ix inside him. A pair of gold manacles materialized on his wrists, but he was not bound to any lamp, the Keyblades he had stolen at the chapel liberated him from that inconvenient restriction. He threw back his head and laughed, energy crackling up his arms and causing pyrotechnics to explode in the air above him. "The worlds shall bend to my will! The universe is the Third Race's to command!"

"Pfft, yeah right."

"What?!" Oberon whirled around just in time for Satan to hit him with the tower he had ripped off the palace and swung at the elf like a baseball bat. The tower shattered, but it also sent Oberon flying, knocking him over and causing him to crush several dilapidated neighborhoods as he skidded across the ground due to the force of Satan's blow. "Unh…"

"Hmm, don't think that Aladdin guy'll be happy about this…" murmured Satan. "Aw hell, why do I care? Those buildings were practically begging to be torn down…" He tossed the remains of the tower he was holding to the side, not really caring about how many people it would crush. "Ready for Round 3, sucka?"

"Yes…and this time, it shall be you who takes the fall!" Oberon snarled, rising to his feet and drawing upon the reality-warping wish-power granted to him by the genie magic he had absorbed. He raised his hands, and space seemed to unravel around him and Satan, Agrabah fading away only to be replaced by a realm filled with nothing but turbulent storm clouds and floating rocks. "Welcome to a world of my own creation, where I hold all the power!" He backhanded Satan, and much to the demon king's surprise, he was unable to move in time to block the attack. Even more surprising was the fact that the backhand was so powerful it sent him flying miles away, smashing through countless floating rocks before he was able to stop himself. The clouds all around swirled together and coalesced to form a giant image of Oberon's face, staring down at Satan arrogantly. "In this dimension, the laws of physics and magic bend to my will! Your power is as of nothing to me now, for here my strength is supreme!"

Satan blinked and hesitated for a split second, indeed feeling a strange weakness…before bursting into laughter, causing the cloudy Oberon-face to wrinkle in confusion. "Haha, nice try dawg, you almost had me there!"

"What?!" Oberon growled indignantly.

Satan chuckled and wiped away a tear. "Dawg, you seem to have forgotten that I'm the guy who _invented_ the lie, do you really think you can tell a fib and I won't notice? There's no way you could have created a whole dimension of your own, with laws and rules totally different from our home turf, even with genie magic! Their power warps _real_ reality, it doesn't create a whole new one! And, as powerful as you may have become, I'm pretty damn sure you're not _that_ all-mighty just yet! Which means that you've either transported us to a pre-existing dimension where the rules work in your favor, or…much more likely…this is all nothing more than a big illusion, the kind that gets realer the more you believe in it! And since I DON'T believe in it, not one bit, then this whole place is gonna come down like a house of cards!" He flexed his muscles, feeling his strength returning to him, and charged towards the horrified face of Oberon, yelling loudly. He collided with the cloudy features, causing a huge backlash of energy to crackle out from them, making the entire faux dimension shatter with the sound of breaking glass, accompanied by Oberon's screaming.

When the illusion faded away, it revealed that Oberon and Satan had returned to Agrabah. In fact, one could say that they had never left at all. Oberon was stumbling backward, clutching his face, which was oozing blood from a cut caused by Satan hitting him. He snarled angrily at his opponent as Satan jabbed energetically at the air. "Damn you!"

"Your own fault for underestimating me, dawg. Just 'cuz I look dumb and talk funny don't make me an imbecile, you know!" He put up his dukes. "So, what're you gonna throw at me next? C'mon, give me—and those lame-o powers of yours—a real workout!"

Oberon did. First he changed Satan into a cockroach, and then grew to ten times his current height, making him bigger than most mountains. He then smashed his foot down where he had last seen the devil, crushing a large portion of downtown Agrabah in the process. However, he failed to squish the cockroach-Satan; in fact, he hadn't even really hit the ground! Despite being turned into a cockroach, Satan still retained his super-strength, and was able to use it to his full advantage even though he was just a little bug. He was able to catch the sole of Oberon's giant foot in his tiny limbs just before he could be squashed, and, by exerting no more than a portion of his true strength, was able to knock Oberon off-balance with a single great shove, causing the giant to topple over with a cry of alarm and hit the ground hard, crushing another large portion of Agrabah and causing many of the nearby buildings to crumble. It wasn't as if they were made of especially sturdy materials, after all.

Satan regained his true form by simply willing it, swelling back to giant size as Oberon shrank himself, so that they were of equal height once more. As Satan charged towards Oberon on his spider legs, tearing up chunks of the city and sending them flying as if he were a particularly bad golf player creating enormous divots, Oberon got back to his feet and tried another tack. Since changing Satan's form clearly had little effect, he would have to try using his new reality-warping powers to affect the demon indirectly. With that in mind, he abruptly conjured a giant birdcage around Satan, one with bars and a floor made out of the strongest metal in the universe, a substance Oberon had just invented on the spot, which was totally unbreakable. He augmented this cage by placing numerous runes and spells around it to create force fields and mystical shields around the enclosure, ones so powerful that individually each could contain the force of an exploding supernova. These shields were then augmented further with additional magic specifically designed to trap and contain extraordinarily powerful demons, and he boosted these three times the usual maximum capacity to compensate for Satan's incredible power levels. He then made the cage even _more_ powerful by drawing a nine hundred and ninety-nine pointed Star of Binding in white chalk with various other seals and runes of containment around it, obliterating many of the surrounding buildings to make room for the star. Perhaps it was all a little overkill, but considering the abilities Satan had already demonstrated, Oberon couldn't be too careful. Just to add insult to injury, he also bound Satan in chains of noon-forged steel filled with holy power, drove holy nails and rods into his bound form, and dunked him upside-down in a pool of holy water. He was able to do all this in mere moments due to his genie magic, and found himself very pleased with the results. "There, that should hold you!"

Satan yawned and flexed his muscles, causing the chains and nails to shatter. He proceeded to drink up all the holy water he was immersed in, then flipped out of the empty pool and easily bent the bars of the cage apart with his bare hands. He then walked out of it and came over to Oberon, stepping over the various intricate spells and symbols of binding, ignoring them and acting as if they weren't even there. "That all you got?"

"No," Oberon said, hitting Satan with a banishing spell of even greater strength than the Holy Flash Grenade he had used earlier. In a burst of light, Satan had disappeared. "Ha! Success!"

He felt a tap on his shoulder. Confused, he turned around and got punched right in the face by Satan. "Sorry, your spell did not work at this time. Please hang up and try again," the devil quipped.

Oberon gawked. "But…but how…"

Satan chuckled and tapped his forehead. "I'm too smart to be caught by the same trick twice, Papa Smurf. I took precautions before leaving Hell to kill you so that I could not be banished by any will other than my own. Care to try something else?"

Oberon's eye twitched. "Yes actually, I think I would. Since it's clear not even the power of all the genies in the world can defeat you, added to what I already have, it seems I'm going to need an even GREATER source of magic to defeat you!"

"Yeah, good luck finding that, loser," Satan said as Oberon teleported away. "Heh, I bet you just _wish_ that Crystal of yours worked on demons like yours truly, huh? Well, good thing it'd never be able to contain the main man anyway. There ain't no prison in existence that can hold this bad boy!" Laughing, he vanished after Oberon, leaving a ravaged and desolated Agrabah behind.

…

Agrabah wasn't the only battle-torn city being destroyed by giants at that moment. Darkwing Duck, currently locked in battle with the enormous fire-breathing eel Xerxes, was causing his fair share of collateral damage as well. "Uff! Come on, is that all you got?!" Darkwing taunted, wrestling fiercely with Xerxes as he stumbled through the streets, smashing against buildings and causing them to crumble or topple over. Xerxes, his long body wrapped around Darkwing's, hissed angrily and breathed fire at his opponent's head. Darkwing quickly ducked his head down to avoid the flaming blast, then quickly shot back up with an uppercut to the eel's jaw, causing Xerxes' head to snap back in pain, his grip loosening and allowing Darkwing to claw his way out of the eel's coils and get back to safety. "Ha, score one for duck-kind!" he crowed as Xerxes shook his head, trying to regain focus. Then the caped crime fighter noticed his hat was on fire, yelped, and quickly tried to beat the flames out.

Darkwing's friends and acquaintances watched the battle anxiously from a nearby rooftop, which thankfully had been spared damage for the time being. "Yeah, come on Dad! Wrangle that eel!" Gosalyn cried enthusiastically.

"Go DW!" Launchpad added.

"CHOKE! CHOKE! No, wait, I mean go for it! Er, I mean…oh, I'm so confused!" Negaduck moaned. "I want him to die, but I want to be the one to kill him, not some stupid flying worm! Who do I root for here?!"

"Care to make a wager on who'll win?" Flintheart Glomgold asked Scrooge McDuck hopefully.

"No," Scrooge said flatly.

"Awww, c'mon, why not?!" Glomgold asked, sounding a little more desperate. "There's no harm in a friendly wager!"

Scrooge snorted. "Now that I've managed to win the majority of your munny and holdings from you, do ye really think I'll risk losing it to ye again? Dream on!"

Glomgold lost his temper and started hopping up and down angrily. "Damn ye, Scrooge McDuck! Damn ye and your silly top hat and yer stupid cane-sword! Ye're the greediest, stingiest, unfriendliest Scotsman I've ever known!"

Scrooge rolled his eyes. "Oh please, ye know ye'd do the exact same thing! No, on second thought, ye'd GLOAT about it a lot more than I have, ye cheap old coot!"

"Bah!" Glomgold quacked angrily, folding his arms and turning away from Scrooge in a huff.

"Mr. McDuck, are you sure you don't want me to lend Darkwing a hand?" Gizmoduck asked his employer.

Scrooge shook his head. "He seems to be holding his own for the moment. I think he'd feel insulted if we interfered right now!"

"Yeah, it would be better to wait until he's crying like a baby and screaming for anyone to help before we do anything," Launchpad agreed. "Because otherwise he'd get all huffy and say he didn't need our help. Actually, he'd probably say that anyway…"

Gosalyn sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that sounds like Dad…"

Darkwing backed away as Xerxes recovered and rose into the air, hissing angrily and circling over the duck, glaring down at him hatefully. "Hmm, guess he didn't like that last hit I gave him. Let's see, how can I follow that up? He's moved out of reach, and with all these buildings hemming me in I'm sort of a sitting duck (pun not intended) if he decides to breathe fire. I doubt I could push through them in time to get out of the way…hmmm…" He paused, becoming aware that he had backed into a large intersection without noticing. "Heyyy…now _there's_ an idea…" He pulled off his cape and held it out beside him, shaking it so the fabric fluttered and caught Xerxes' attention. "If this worked on a criminal mastermind like Taurus Bulbo, then it should definitely work on a brainless worm like this guy! Toro, toro!" Hissing angrily, Xerxes swooped down at him. Darkwing stepped to the side at the last moment and pulled up his cape, causing Xerxes to sail underneath it and fly down the street Darkwing had been standing in front of. "Ha, you'll have to do better than that, you slippery…er, eel!"

Snarling in fury, enraged that he had been so easily outmaneuvered, Xerxes rose back into the air, circled about, and charged towards Darkwing again as the crime fighter taunted him and waved his cape out at his side. Although the eel was moving faster this time, Darkwing was still able to leap out of the way just in time, his cape brushing the top of Xerxes' head as he soared past him and down the new street Darkwing had been standing before. "Ha, still too slow! Care to try again?" Roaring angrily as he rose from the street and circled back, Xerxes did just that.

"What's that purple-clad fool doing?" Glomgold wondered as they observed this exchange from the rooftop. "Has he gone daft?! Is he suicidal or something?! He'll get killed if he keeps this up, he can't dodge that thing forever!"

"He'd better not die," Negaduck said angrily. "Not before I kill him!"

"What _is_ he doing?" Gosalyn wondered. "That move looks sort of familiar…"

"He seems to be emulating the method by which bullfighters tire out their opponents by forcing them to charge repeatedly, until they become so exhausted that they can easily be dispatched by a fatal blow to the sides," Scrooge observed as Darkwing evaded Xerxes for a fourth time, adjusting the glasses on the end of his beak. "But since Darkwing has no weapons other than his bare hands, I'm not sure exactly how he expects to be able to defeat Xerxes, even if he does manage to tire the creature out."

"That's odd, I thought Xerxes was an eel, not a bull," said a confused Launchpad. "Why's DW using a bullfighting trick, then? Did he get confused or something?"

"It reminds me of a cartoon I once saw, actually…" Gizmoduck commented, frowning as he tried to remember something. "But I can't quite remember what happened in it…I think there may have been a rabbit involved, and…an anvil?"

Gosalyn gasped in realization. "Of course, that must be it! I knew this trick looked familiar, now I know what Dad's doing!"

"What?" everyone asked her.

"Look and see, I think he's about to do it now!" Gosalyn cried, pointing to her father, who was flamboyantly shaking his cape at the eel once more.

"Come on, come on, don't tell me you don't want some of this!" Darkwing taunted. He turned around and wiggled his rear end at Xerxes, slapping it a couple of times. "Aren't you just craving some nice, plump, juicy duck? Come on; let's do this, one more time!"

Xerxes, eyes bloodshot with rage, panted heavily, tired out somewhat by four consecutive attempts to rush Darkwing, all of which had failed. Acidic saliva and drops of fire drooled from his gaping mouth, for although he was nearing exhaustion he was indeed savoring how delicious Darkwing would taste once he finally, FINALLY managed to kill the insolent duck and feast on his corpse. He was even contemplating which would be better, roasting the duck with his fire breath to get the right flavor, finding some more complex method of cooking him, or simply settle for eating him raw, so that he could rip out the hero's organs and drink from the blood that would be spilled everywhere. Taking a deep breath, he swooped down one more time at Darkwing, putting all of his speed and power into this final charge, this charge that absolutely would not fail.

Naturally, it did. At the last second, at the _very_ last second, Darkwing leaped out of the way, pulling his cape with him and revealing, far, far too late for Xerxes to do anything about it, that the duck had not been standing in front of a street, but a skyscraper. And so, quite naturally, Xerxes rammed into the building face first, his head smashing through the façade and into the interior, causing the entire skyscraper to collapse right on top of him. Darkwing looked away, raising his cape to shield himself from the debris as dust and rubble flew everywhere. When the sounds of things smashing and falling apart finally died down, Darkwing lowered his cape and took in the view of what he had just done.

Xerxes' upper third was now buried underneath a colossal heap of stone and broken metal, the rest of his serpentine body lying twisted out across the street, twitching occasionally and flopping against the pavement. Darkwing chuckled, fastened his cape back on his shoulders, clapped the dirt off his hands, and triumphantly put a foot on top of Xerxes' faintly wriggling form. "Ahhhh, they always fall for that one."

The bunch of ducks on the rooftop burst into applause. "Woohoo! Go DW!" Launchpad cried joyfully.

"You rock, Dad!" cheered Gosalyn.

"Nice job! Now I can kill you instead!" Negaduck crowed.

"Looks like you owe me one hundred munny," one of the bodyguards said smugly to Glomgold, who fumed angrily and cursed himself for betting on the wrong combatant.

"I don't suppose ye'll be willing to accept an IOU?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Guess he didn't need my gizmo-powers after all," said a relieved Gizmoduck. "Darkwing still has it!"

"There's no opponent my dad can't beat! Except for my mom, when it comes to stuff like whose job it is to do the dishes," Gosalyn said. "Or our overly happy next door neighbors whom he despises with a passion."

"What about me?" Negaduck asked.

"He beats you up all the time," Gosalyn pointed out. Negaduck fumed, reluctantly admitting that this was true.

"Uh oh…guys, I don't think it's over yet!" Launchpad cried in alarm, pointing at the rubble heap, which was starting to shift. Darkwing was too busy posing and patting himself on the back to notice. "Looks like Xerxes isn't down for the count just yet!"

"Oh no! We have to let Dad know!" cried Gosalyn.

"Aye, how else can I congratulate him for a job well done?!" agreed a horrified Scrooge.

"He's too far away to hear us, and there's no way we can get over there in time!" said an alarmed Negaduck, terrified at the possibility that Darkwing might die at the hands of someone who wasn't him.

"I'll handle this!" Gizmoduck said, pulling a megaphone out of his armor. Several loudspeakers emerged from his shoulders. "DARKWING, WATCH OUT! XERXES ISN'T BEATEN YET!" he shouted, his voice amplified a hundredfold by the technology in his armor, causing the other ducks to wince and clutch their ears. However, Gizmoduck's warning seemed to do the trick, Darkwing's head whirled around in surprise to look at them, then quickly looked back at the rubble heap just in time to see it start shaking ominously. Feeling Xerxes' body get more agitated beneath him, he quickly leaped off the giant eel's serpentine form just before it started convulsing violently, lashing out and smashing nearby buildings.

Darkwing backed away nervously as the rubble heap began shaking more and more. He yelped and almost fell over when the collapsed building exploded, sending chunks of masonry flying everywhere, as Xerxes broke free from the wreckage, raising his head high into the air and screeching his rage to the heavens. The eel had been very heavily battered by having a building fall on top of him. He had numerous oozing bruises, blood was gushing from cuts all over his upper body, and his jaw was swollen, bleeding, and out of shape, numerous teeth either missing or dangling from their gums. One of his eyes was swollen almost completely shut, and his other one was so bloodshot it didn't look like he could see much out of that one either. But clearly he could still see just enough through those eyes to know where his enemy was, to see the terrified Darkwing Duck.

"Oh crap," said Darkwing, turning and running for his life down the street just as Xerxes screamed with rage and unleashed a torrential inferno from his mouth, setting every building within five blocks ablaze and coming far too close to incinerating Darkwing as well. The caped crusader barely managed to escape the flames, leaping into the air and rolling when he hit the ground to put enough distance between himself and the edge of the fire. He sighed in relief, stood up, turned around…

And screamed as Xerxes lunged right towards him, mouth gaping wide open, drooling at the prospect of ripping his face off. Darkwing barely managed to stretch his hands out in time, gripping the two halves of Xerxes' mouth before they could close on his head. The force of the lunge still nearly knocked him over, and he had to use all his strength to stand up straight and keep the monster's jaws apart. However, his grip was weakening; he knew he wouldn't be able to hold the creature's mouth open for long; even wounded Xerxes' jaws were still stronger than his arms. And to make matters worse, if the smell of gas and smoke he could now detect rising up from the eel's throat meant anything, Xerxes was only moments away from breathing fire at him, and at this range, with Darkwing's head practically in the beast's mouth, there was pretty much no chance of the attack missing.

This left Darkwing with two options. He could either let go of Xerxes' mouth and try to leap out of the way before he could be incinerated…which would probably result in his head getting bitten off before he could get out of range. Or, he could continue to hold the eel's jaws open…which would lead to him becoming one well-done duck. Neither option was particularly palatable to him.

Fortunately, a third option was readily made available to him when an arrow launched from a nearby rooftop whistled through the air and pierced Xerxes' bloodshot left eye, causing the beast to rear its head back, wrenching its mouth from Darkwing's hands, and shriek in agony, shaking the burning buildings around them.

"That arrow! Where did-" Darkwing looked around and, much to his astonishment, realized that in his flight to escape Xerxes' fire blast, he had found himself right back where he had started, next to the building where his daughter, sidekick, nemesis, semi-rival, rich coots, and other guys were. "Gosalyn!"

"Dad! Did you see that shot? Wasn't it incredible?!" Gosalyn yelled to him.  
"Yeah, it was awesome!" Launchpad agreed. "And it really pulled your butt off the burner DW, literally!"

"Eh, no big deal," Negaduck groused. "That thing wasn't exactly far away, and it's not as if she was aiming for a particularly small target."

"Now you owe me another hundred munny," the same bodyguard from before said smugly to Glomgold. "You bet she'd miss and hit Darkwing instead!"

"Incredible Flintheart, ye're even _poorer_ now!" commented Scrooge, amused by the lovely shade of crimson his rival was turning. "I haven't seen anyone lose this much munny in one day since the dot com bubble burst!"

"Why you-" Losing his temper, Glomgold started jumping up and down, his entire body turning bright red with rage as he spat every vile Scottish curse word he could think of, and he knew a lot of them, at Scrooge. The bodyguards took notes. Scrooge rolled his eyes. "I'm not impressed. You should see Donald when he gets angry, namely all the time, now that's a _really_ nasty temper."

"Don't listen, Gosalyn! It'll corrupt your innocence!" Gizmoduck cried, extending a pair of earmuffs which fit over the archer's head.

"What innocence? I fight crime with arrows, have a witch for a stepmom, and go to high school," Gosalyn pointed out, pulling off the earmuffs.

"…Oh. Right. Good point," said Gizmoduck.

"Thanks for the save, Goz! I've got it from here!" Darkwing said, punching the eel in the jaw and sending its head reeling back. The giant monster responded by angrily lashing out with his tail, hurling Darkwing away and causing him to crash through several nearby buildings, dazing him. Xerxes then slithered over and quickly wrapped himself around the stunned crime fighter, exerting pressure on the duck and squeezing him in an attempt to break his bones and constrict him to death. "Then again, maybe not. Gack!"

"Oh dear," said an alarmed Scrooge.

"DW!" cried Launchpad.

"DAD!" screamed Gosalyn.

"My munny!" wailed the bodyguard who had gambled with Glomgold, realizing this could mean he'd lose the bet. "Er, I mean, Darkwing Duck, no!"

"No, he can't die like this!" Negaduck howled. "_I_ wanted to be the one to strangle the life out of him!"

"Darkwing, are you all right!? Can you still breathe?!" Gizmoduck hollered over his megaphone.

"Well…I can breathe…out…pretty good…" Darkwing gasped, eyes bulging out of their sockets as his face turned blue. "In…not so much…"

"Dad, hang on!" Gosalyn said, drawing an arrow from her quiver and notching it into her bow.

"Wait, don't shoot, you might hit DW!" Launchpad said anxiously as Xerxes lowered his head so he was drooling right onto the choking duck's face.

"Plus, if you shoot that worm while he's constricting Darkwing, there's a good chance that the involuntary pain reflex he'll have as a reaction to getting hit by your arrow could cause him to accidentally snap Darkwing in half!" Negaduck added. "Not a pretty sight. I've seen it done to other people, occasionally did it myself."

Gosalyn lowered her bow anxiously. "Ohhh…but, then what do we do?!"

Scrooge narrowed his eyes in determination. "There's only one thing we can do…and that's to use our greatest weapon." He turned to Gizmoduck. "Lad…ye know what must be done."

Gizmoduck sighed. "Yes, I do, sir…I don't like it, you know how much I hate doing this…but it's for Darkwing's sake! I have no choice!" A hatch opened in the top of his head and a helicopter rotor emerged. The rotor began spinning, raising Gizmoduck into the air. "Gizmoduck away!" He flew towards Xerxes and the choking Darkwing.

"What's he going to do?" asked a confused Gosalyn.

"Use his ultimate weapon," Scrooge said solemnly.

Launchpad gasped. "Oh no, not that! Not his ultimate weapon! Uh, what was his ultimate weapon again? I forgot." The others groaned.

"What's so bad about him pushing a bunch of buttons all at once?! Why are all of ye acting like lily-footed pussies when the topic is brought up?!" snapped Glomgold.

"The first time Gizmoduck ever pushed all his buttons at once…he blew up an entire planet of evil robots!" Launchpad said, eyes wide as he finally remembered what he had forgotten just a second ago.

Those unfamiliar with Gizmoduck's super-weapon stared at him in astonishment. Glomgold swallowed, Gosalyn blinked in disbelief, the bodyguards looked at each other nervously and Negaduck drooled enviously. "A-an entire planet?!"

"Well, maybe _blew up_ is a bit of an exaggeration. It was still there when he was finished, just…um…broken," Launchpad amended.

"Broken," Glomgold repeated weakly.

"Yeah, pretty much," said Launchpad.

"Served those stupid machines right for stealing my munny bin," Scrooge grumbled under his breath.

"That is _so_ cool," Gosalyn whispered in awe.

"I _want_ that Gizmosuit!" Negaduck cried.

"Um…Mister McDuck? I hate to be a bother, but…if Gizmoduck's ultimate attack can devastate an entire planet; shouldn't we get to a safe place? Like, say, your ship in orbit?" one of the bodyguards asked timidly.

"Oh, don't worry, Gyro toned that attack down a while ago," Scrooge said dismissively. He frowned. "But…perhaps it would be best if we got a little further away from here. Like, a city block. Or ten."

They stared at him in horror for a moment. And then, Glomgold yelled, "Every rich duck for himself!" and ran for the stairs.

"Screw this, we're not getting paid enough for this shit!" one of the bodyguards yelled.

"We're out of here!" yelled another. They quickly turned and ran after Flintheart.

"Hey, come back here!" Scrooge yelled angrily. "If ye think ye're going to get a nice severance package after this betrayal, ye're dead wrong! Wait'll all the other wealthy and paranoid tycoons in town hear about this, you'll never work in Duckburg again!"

Launchpad tugged at the collar of his shirt anxiously. "Uh, Mr. McDee, don't you think we should…"

"Get out of here?" Gosalyn finished.

"You know, a safe distance away from Ground Zero!" Negaduck yelled.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I suppose ye're right. Well, c'mon, lads! (And wee lass.) Let's get out of here!" They quickly headed for the stairs, Scrooge taking the lead and outdistancing them by a surprising amount. He was very fit, for such an old man.

Things were not going very well for Darkwing. His face was turning blue, foam was flecking from his beak, and his eyes were bulging from their sockets. As Gizmoduck flew towards his fellow hero, he sighed, once more resigning himself to the noble act he had to perform…no matter how much it hurt or left him sore for weeks afterward. "Darkwing, you owe me big for this," Gizmoduck muttered, flying towards the eel's head. Xerxes was too busy drooling and focusing all his attention on squeezing the life out of the caped duck that had caused him such agony to noticed Gizmoduck approaching. Then again, considering how badly his eyes were damaged, he probably wouldn't have noticed even if he wasn't hell-bent on choking Darkwing to death. As a result, it was very easy for Gizmoduck to fly into the giant worm's gaping mouth and speed down its dark, moist, and very smelly throat.

"Ugh, this has to be the second worst giant monster throat I've ever been in…" Gizmoduck groaned, veering away from saliva and other nasty bodily fluids dripping down all around him. "Well, nothing left but to do it…" Sprouting mechanical hands from hatches on his body, Gizmoduck rapidly pressed all of the buttons on his armor nearly instantaneously, fingers flying everywhere to input the correct sequence in time. The screen on his wrist console lit up and started flashing bright red, displaying the words 'WARNING! ENERGY LEVELS REACHING CRITICAL. CORE OVERLOAD IN 10…9…8…' A hatch flipped open on his helmet, and a flashing beacon rose from it, spinning around and lighting the dark cavity with intermittent bursts of red light, while sirens rose out of his shoulders and started blaring loudly, as if to warn anyone who might be nearby to get far, far away. Of course, nobody could hear this warning since Gizmoduck was deep inside Xerxes' innards, but they had still been installed by Gyro as a safety precaution, in case Gizmoduck ever needed to use his ultimate weapon again and needed to let people know about it before it was too late. As the countdown reached the last few seconds, and his armor started shaking and glowing ominously, Gizomduck did a dramatic pose. "Gizmosuit, supercharge full powerrrrrrr!"

Xerxes paused in his gleeful constriction of Darkwing Duck when he felt a strange rumble in his stomach. He grimaced, suddenly feeling very unwell. He felt a lot worse when the upper half of his body abruptly exploded, causing blood, guts, fluids, and great chunks of eel flesh to fly everywhere, festooning the streets and skyscrapers for three blocks all around in fish innards. On the plus side, it also put out most of the fires Xerxes had cause. Darkwing, covered in eel guts, blinked in disgust after he caught his breath and managed to slip Xerxes' remaining coils off him. They twitched and flailed helplessly on the ground, blood gushing from the gaping wound that had once been Xerxes' head and upper body. "Ew," Darkwing said in disgust. "That was even worse than what happened the last time Gizmoduck did that."

"Well, that was gross," Gosalyn said from the street below.

"Good thing we found this convenient giant umbrella to shield ourselves from the blast, or else we'd be just as yucky and covered in eel guts as DW!" Launchpad said, patting the shaft of the oversized umbrella lying on its side that they had all taken cover behind.

"I wonder who this belongs to, anyway…" Scrooge murmured. "And whether or not he or she will be wanting it back anytime soon…"

Elsewhere…

"Dash it all, where did I put that thing?!" Mary Poppins muttered in frustration, sifting through the contents of her black handbag for her umbrella. "I could have sworn I put it in here just yesterday!" She had yet to notice the small hole at the bottom of her magical carrying device.

Back in Dark City…

"Ha, now you have to pay me after all, because Darkwing DID make it out alive!" the bodyguard (or rather, ex-bodyguard) from before said to Glomgold boastfully. The penny-pinching old duck turned red and started hopping up and down angrily while cursing at the top of his lungs (again), understandably displeased that he had just lost _more_ of his munny.

"Um, so, Mr. McDuck, now that Gizmoduck's dead, I…ah…suppose you'll need new bodyguards…" One of the other ex-bodyguards said hopefully.

Scrooge frowned. "Dead? What gives ye that daft idea, lads?"

The ex-bodyguard blinked. "But…the explosion…"

"Hurt like hell, but didn't kill me," Gizmoduck wheezed as he flew in wobbly, his helicopter rotor sputtering nastily and jamming up every few seconds, nearly making him fall several times. His armor was dented, blackened, and heavily burnt, his visor was cracked, the single wheel he rode around on was flat, and he looked overall bent out of shape, but otherwise he was okay. His rotor abruptly made a loud cough and banging noise and suddenly stopped working completely, causing Gizmoduck to fall screaming to the ground, his fall cushioned by a heap of eel flesh underneath him. Dripping with fluids, he staggered upright and saluted his employer. "Mission accomplished, Mr. McDuck! The giant monster is no more, and Darkwing is saved!"

"Thanks, now I can kill him!" Negaduck said happily. "Er, another time, that is," he amended as Darkwing stomped over to them, reminded of how very big his nemesis was at the moment.

"Thanks for the save, Gizmoduck," Darkwing rasped, his voice a bit hoarse as he pulled off his hat and tried to shake off some of the bits of Xerxes plastered on it. "Cut it a little close there, though…"

"Dad! Are you all right?" Gosalyn yelled up at him.

"Yeah, honey, I'm fine!" Darkwing called back down to her. Seeing how his voice was too loud and causing everyone to clutch their ears in pain, Darkwing quickly softened his tone. "I mean, I'm never going to be able to get the stains out of this outfit, and your mother won't let me back in the house until I've showered a few hundred times, but otherwise I'm okay."

"Pee-ew, make it a few thousand times," Launchpad said, waving a hand in front of his nose. Er, beak.

"So, now that the fight's over, howzabout we shrink me back to normal?" Darkwing continued.

"Ah…I'd love to, but…I think my shrink ray got busted in the explosion," Gizmoduck said, shrugging and offering Darkwing a weak grin.

Darkwing's shoulders sagged. "Wonderful. Why am I not surprised?"

"Don't worry though," Gizmoduck said quickly. "I'm sure we can get it fixed back at Maleficent's castle, it looked like there were a bunch of genius scientists and high-tech equipment back there."

"And if all else fails, I suppose I can have Gyro flown over here to whip something up," Scrooge added. "Once things have become a little quieter around here, of course."

"Um, hey, I just thought of something," Negaduck said abruptly. "Weren't you guys just supposed to _knock out_ Xerxes so he'd get turned back to normal, not kill him? I mean, not that I'm complaining, I hated the sycophantic little worm, but still, I thought that was the plan…"

There was a long silence as everyone registered this. Then Darkwing moaned and smacked his forehead, while Gizmoduck laughed sheepishly and said, "Uh, whoops. Sorry. Um, you don't suppose that Mozenrath guy Xerxes belonged to will be particularly angry that I accidentally wasted his pet, will he?"

"He's an evil sorcerer who gave up his own right hand for the considerable power he wields," Glomgold said flatly. "What do you think?"

"Oh crap," Gizmoduck whimpered, turning pale.

"Aye lad, ye're definitely screwed!" Glomgold cackled evilly until Scrooge whacked him on the head with his cane. "Ow."

"What'm I gonna do? Mozenrath's going to kill me!" Gizmoduck cried. "I'm an accountant in a robot suit, for cripe's sake! What do I know about fighting dark magic?! Magica DeSpell's always been beaten more by Mr. McDuck's wits and cleverness rather than any effort on my part, so I don't really have much experience with this sort of thing!"

"Don't worry, Gizmoduck, you can come stay at our place until the heat dies down," Launchpad assured Gizmoduck.

"Wait, he can? Since when? When did I approve this?!" protested Darkwing.

"Yeah, and my mom's into the whole magic thing too, so she can probably help hide you from being detected by Mozenrath's evil sorcery," Gosalyn added, ignoring her spluttering giant father.

"Oh, thank you!" said a relieved Gizmoduck. "Ah, Mr. McDuck, do you suppose I could take some leave so that I can hide from Mozenrath until he's less…wrathful?"

Scrooge sighed, and nodded reluctantly. "Well, I suppose…but I'm not going to pay ye a dime for it! If you want to get munny for sitting around and doing nothing, go get a job as a building security guard!"

Negaduck rolled his eyes. "Aw, you idiots are making a big fuss over nothing. It's not like Mozenrath was particularly attached to that ugly worm, he just needed a stupid ugly lackey to hang around that made him feel smarter and handsomer and boosted his ego. He can get another lame sidekick just like Xerxes by conjuring another familiar from the ethers…or mutating some other form of animal…or ordering one from a catalog. That's how I get all my disposable henchmen."

"Really? I didn't know you could just order them," said a surprised Launchpad. "I always figured you had to hire them through the right channels."

"Oh, that's how I used to do it, but then I found out it was much easier to subscribe to Thugs-4-Less magazine. They provide monthly listings of all the best (or most disposable) henchmen on the market, along with phone numbers and price lists to let you know whether you can afford them or not. I get most of my weapons and evil toys the same way! They even do custom jobs for an additional fee!" Negaduck said.

"Wow, really? That's incredible! What service!" Launchpad exclaimed.

"Hey, how come I've never seen this magazine at any newsracks?" asked Darkwing, kneeling down so he could hear the smaller ducks better.

"Or comic book stores?" asked Gosalyn.

"Ha, like something that illegal would ever be sold in public!" Negaduck snorted. "If something with that much information on the criminal underworld were out where anyone could see it, don't you think most of those goons and crooks would be out of business or behind bars?"

"He has a point," Gizmoduck admitted.

"Aye, 'twould be very bad for business," Scrooge agreed.

"Uh, say, you wouldn't happen to have a copy I could borrow, would you?" Darkwing asked hopefully.

Negaduck snorted. "Please, if anyone in the circles I frequent ever found out that I even _told_ you Thugs-4-Less existed, they'd cancel my subscription faster than you can say 'Candle Jack.'"

"_Really?_" Darkwing said, an evil gleam in his eye as Launchpad said, "Candle Jack!" just to see what would happen. Nothing did.

"Tell anyone and the kid dies," Negaduck said coldly. Gosalyn drew an arrow, notched it, and aimed her bow at him. "Not you, the other one, that nerdy one with the glasses you hang out with that lives next door to you. Squeaker or something. Your boyfriend."

"Oh," Gosalyn said, lowering her bow. Then she frowned and pointed it at him again. "His name's Honker. And he's not my boyfriend."

Negaduck rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm not stupid enough to try and kidnap the daughter of my worst enemy considering she has a sorceress for a stepmom and probably knows any number of very nasty things to do to me with those arrows unless I'm absolutely certain of getting away with it…which I'm not…so there."

"Well, that's a relief," said Launchpad.

"Yeah, because I'd stomp on you if you even thought of doing that!" Darkwing threatened.

"One, I already did think of it, and two, I intended to do it when you were back to your normal size again," Negaduck said.

"Oh."

"Can we all stop standing around blathering endlessly and get _out of here already!_" Glomgold screamed, hopping up and down with rage. Again. "We've been standing here in this street littered with exploded eel bits, chattering like gossipy milkmaids, for the last ten minutes!"

"Ah, ever the impatient one, eh Glomgold?" Scrooge said, rolling his eyes. "Still, I suppose you have a point, though a small one. Time _is_ munny, after all. I propose we get out of here; there are still far too many giant monsters in the vicinity for my comfort. Excluding you, Darkwing."

"Thanks," said the giant.

"Good, yer ship had better have top-of-the-line showers, I may not have gotten any of this gunk on me but the stink from just being _near_ it will last for weeks! I'll be lucky if I ever get it out of these clothes! Hell, I'll probably have to get rid of them anyway what with all the blood and goo and damage done to the fabric!" Glomgold ranted. "Speaking of which, ye'd also better have decent tailors, or at least a good change of clothes! And I mean _really _good, I'm very picky when it comes to what I wear! None of that cheap polyester crap any deadbeat can buy, its pure silk and Egyptian cotton for me!"

Scrooge snorted and rolled his eyes. "Who ever said we were going to my ship? What kind of an idiot do you take me for, Flintheart? As if I would ever let a thieving, cheating, greedyguts scoundrel like ye on a modern high-tech luxury cruiser like mine, where ye would do yer best to steal my corporate secrets and fine china and leave yer dirty fingerprints on everything!"

"What about me?" Negaduck asked hopefully.

"No, ye can't get on, either," Scrooge said firmly.

"Darn," grumbled Negaduck.

"I propose we head back for Maleficent's castle, instead," Gizmoduck offered as an idea. "It's probably safer up there than it is down here, or will be once they get all the defenses back online."

"And maybe they can fix your shrink ray while they're at it, so I can go back to normal!" Darkwing said. "Right, let's go! I'll give you guys a lift, what with all the fighting and explosions going on it's probably safer to travel with a giant monster for protection like me than to go there on foot." The others agreed readily, quickly seeing the logic in this, and so when Darkwing lowered his cupped hands to the ground to pick them up, Gosalyn, Launchpad, Scrooge, Gizmoduck, and the bodyguards quickly climbed in, clutching his fingers for balance. Before Negaduck and Glomgold could climb in, however, Darkwing quickly (but not _too_ quickly, seeing as he had delicate passengers) lifted his hands out of their reach so they couldn't get on board.

"Hey! What's the big idea?!" Negaduck yelled.

"Aye, what do ye think ye're doing?! Is that cape of yers cutting off the flow of oxygen to yer brain?!" Glomgold shouted.

Darkwing laughed. "Like I'd ever let a couple of thieving, cheating, greedyguts scoundrels like you on my body, where you could…um…pull my feathers out to sell as pillow stuffing or…something! Take a hike, you two! Or, if you're _that _desperate to get onboard, you can try hanging onto my cape as I head out!" As the two ducks stood there, spluttering in disbelief, Darkwing proceeded to carry through on his promise by walking right past them, his footfalls shaking the ground and knocking the villains off their feet as he went down the street.

"That was rather mean, Darkwing," Gizmoduck protested.

"Yes, it was," Darkwing agreed smugly, raising his hands closer to his face so he could speak to his passengers more easily.

Gosalyn laughed. "Way to go, Dad!"

"Oh…I'm gonna be sick…" moaned one of the ex-bodyguards, turning green in the face. "I have a problem with heights…and motion sickness…ohhhh!" He leaned over the side of Darkwing's hand and vomited out into space.

"Hey, watch it; you almost got some on me!" Darkwing said, face screwed up in disgust.

"What's it matter, you're already pretty gross and covered in yuck anyway, what's a little more?" Gosalyn asked reasonably.

"It's the principle of the matter," Darkwing grumbled.

"H-hey! Wait for me!" Negaduck yelled, leaping to his feet first and racing after Darkwing, jumping repeatedly to try and grab the bottom of the giant's large flowing cape as it fluttered above and before him. "You can't just leave me here! I'm your arch-nemesis, your evil twin! Practically family! You can't just abandon family, can you?! Ohhh, why'd I have to leave my grappling hook in my other costume?!"

"Aye, and I have munny, which is even more important, so ye can't leave me behind either!" Glomgold cried, running after Darkwing and Negaduck. "Huff…puff…hold on! I'll pay you a thousand…ah…one hundred munny if you slow down and pick me up!"

Darkwing smirked and glanced back at his shoulder at the (former) tycoon. "Make it two hundred."

Glomgold blinked in disbelief. "What?! No! One hundred!"

"Five hundred," said Darkwing.

Glomgold's eyes flared angrily. "One hundred!"

"A thousand," said Darkwing.

"_One hundred!"_ Glomgold shouted furiously.

"Ten thousand," said Darkwing.

"ONE HUNDRED!" Glomgold screamed.

"A _hundred_ thousand!" Darkwing said with a grin.

"_ONE HUNDRED!_" Glomgold shrieked, red in the face and lagging far behind, both due to his intense anger, old age, and lousy physical condition.

"I'd give in if I were you, it's not like you can't afford it!" Negaduck, who had managed to grab the bottom edge of Darkwing's cape and was hanging on for dear life, yelled to Glomgold.

"_NEVER!"_ Glomgold howled in rage.

"Then I guess you're not getting a ride," Darkwing said with a shrug. "Oh well." He started taking longer strides, covering more distance and leaving Glomgold further and further behind.

"Wait! WAIT! I'LL wheeze GIVE YOU THE pant MUNNY! JUST gasp SLOW DOWN!" Glomgold croaked, stumbling and slowing down as his stamina failed him. He nearly tripped and fell into the organic remains of Xerxes splattered everywhere.

"Weeellllllll…okay, since you asked nicely," Darkwing said, stopping in his tracks and allowing Glomgold to catch up to him. "You can make the check out to Drake Mallard, a, ah, good friend of mine, when we get back to our world, he can pass the munny on to me."

"But DW, I thought _you_ were-" a confused Launchpad started.

"Shut up! He doesn't need to know my secret identity!" Darkwing hissed angrily at his sidekick.

"That was some pretty shrewd negotiating you did back there, laddie," an impressed Scrooge said. He glared at his former employees. "I hope these louts can use similar eloquence in begging me to give them their old jobs back!" The ex-bodyguards gulped anxiously.

"Nice job Dad, with the munny you just got by cruelly exploiting a feeble old man, we can get all sorts of stuff, plus guarantee I get into a good college!" Gosalyn said ecstatically.

"Not to mention repairing the Astroquack…and having enough munny to repair it _again_ the next time Launchpad crashes it!" Darkwing said, glaring at his sidekick, who blushed, not in embarrassment but flattery, at Darkwing's faith that he would crash it again.

"Hey, do you suppose I could get a car, while we're at it?" Gosalyn asked nonchalantly, trying not to make it sound as if it were a big deal to her.

"Not until you're twenty," Darkwing said firmly.

"But Da-aaaaad!" Gosalyn whined.

"No buts, you are not to get your own car until you're twenty, young lady, and that is final!" Darkwing scolded his daughter. Gosalyn naturally disagreed with this, and argued vehemently, leading to father and daughter getting in a rather large and pointless squabble, much to the amusement and embarrassment of everyone else, who had no choice but to listen to it.

"This is why I'm never having kids," Negaduck grumbled as an exhausted Glomgold dragged himself towards Darkwing. "Too much of a hassle. Plus, you can't get a refund and a discount on future purchases if they don't work out, unlike some of the things available in Thugs-4-Less. God, I love that magazine. Plus, the babes in the annual swimsuit issue are always grade-A hotties!"

…

For thousands of years, the fabled city of Atlantis had been a myth. A legend. A cautionary story of how the greatest civilization the world had ever known destroyed itself in its own hubris, sinking beneath the waves, never to be seen again. But in the end, that was all it was: just a story. For centuries many scholars have argued that Atlantis had to exist, but due to lack of evidence and crackpot theories, each more ludicrous than the last, the scientific community and the world at large had always ridiculed these dreamers for their belief in the lost city. Some could say that they _deserved_ to be ridiculed, especially when some of them came up with ideas as crazy as saying that Atlantis wasn't actually a city at all but a sentient alien organism from another planet populated by drone-like fungus people who catered to its every whim and sought to dominate the world, and was also apparently responsible for making the Pyramids, the stone heads on Easter Island, and the Republican party.

But then, a few years ago, Atlantis rose from the depths of the ocean (actually, it had been deep underground beneath the bottom of the ocean, but that's relatively unimportant) and became a world power once again. And all the weirdoes and crazies who had believed in Atlantis got to point at the stunned faces of their detractors and laugh, "Haha! Told you so!" Of course, most of their theories on Atlantis had still been wrong, but that was unimportant, the fact that Atlantis _did_ exist after all was enough for most people.

In any case, Atlantis was an incredible city, larger than almost any other on the planet, floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on a pillar of rock rising up all the way from the center of the Earth. (Well, not _really_ the center, but it sounds good.) The city was built of stone and arranged in concentric rings with numerous canals and waterways crisscrossing the streets and allowing the dark-skinned Atlanteans to travel from place to place by boat. Of course, boats weren't the _only _method of transportation the Atlanteans possessed. Their advanced technology had allowed them to create flying craft in the shape of sea creatures, which could constantly be seen buzzing through the air over the city as their pilots flew them from place to place, or further out from the city, moving on patrol or fishing for food to feed the populace. These flying vessels, as well as the giant stone sentinels on the city's rim, and the city's other defense mechanisms, and the necklaces the Atlanteans wore which gave them incredible longevity and health, and just about all the other technology in Atlantis, were all powered by the immense shining crystal floating high above the central plaza and royal palace in the middle of the city, surrounded by orbiting stones carved into the likenesses of the former kings of Atlantis.

The crystal had fallen from space thousands of years ago, and had become the beating heart and virtual deity of Atlantis ever since, the source of all their prosperity and power. Whether or not the crystal was in fact a living thing, or whether it was magic or a form of incredibly advanced science the likes of which the world had never seen before, was up for debate among scholars around the world. The Atlanteans cared little for what these foreigners thought; to them the crystal was their god and their source of life. Did the nature of its power matter so much, when it had granted them long life and happiness?

Perhaps it did, for Oberon had chosen the crystal of Atlantis to be the next source of power for him to drain using the Crystal of Ix. His sudden appearance out of thin air out to sea startled the Atlanteans, and a general alarm rang throughout the city. The citizens fled to their homes and all the flying vessels outside the city quickly flew back within its boundaries. Once all of his people were back within the city, King Milo activated Atlantis' defenses, causing the giant stone statues on the city's rim, also carved in the likenesses of past rulers, to come to life, blue lines of power running down their bodies as they were energized by the great crystal. They raised their arms and pointed outwards, gathering blue energy balls between their hands as a dome-shaped force field arose to encompass the entire city and protect it from harm. Once the shield was up, the statues fired the power they had collected, extremely powerful laser beams shooting through the force field and streaking through the air towards Oberon, who was approaching the city at high speeds. The Fae lord smirked and merely projected a mystical force screen before him which easily withstood the statues' energy beams, beams which could rip a starship in two. He thrusted his hands forward, generating shockwaves which raced across the sea and crashed against the dome-shaped force field, causing it to flash and crackle for a moment, water being thrown up nearby from the blast and temporarily blocking the views of the statues. By the time the dome became transparent again and the water subsided, Oberon was there, smirking arrogantly at the giants. He drew back one fist, crackling with power, and punched the force field. All of Atlantis shook from the force of the blow, and ripples ran through the surface of the force field. Those ripples turned to cracks, which became fissures, until abruptly the force shield shattered and vaporized, unable to withstand Oberon's power.

The giants, who had nearly been knocked over by the impact of Oberon's punch, regained their footing and prepared to blast the Fae lord again. Oberon simply smirked and gestured with his hand, generating a wave of psychic force which washed out over the city, buffeting Atlantis and causing the immense mobile statues to explode. Pleased with his victory, Oberon floated out into the city proper, and was immediately accosted by Atlantis' air force, a tremendous fleet of fish-shaped fighter craft of all sizes and forms. There were sharks, piranha, sawfish, squid, manta rays, and even a few immense whale-like vessels the size of aircraft carriers. None of these troubled Oberon in the slightest, for before they could do more than open fire on him, their energy shots and missiles glancing futilely off his skin, his eyes flashed, causing each and every one of them to explode, raining debris and flaming corpses down on the city below. A smirk present on his face, Oberon continued moving forward, floating just above the rooftops of the city as he approached the giant floating crystal. It sparked as he approached, and the giant stone faces surrounding it began speeding up their rotations until they blurred together, forming a spinning barrier around the crystal. The eyes of the spinning faces lit up and fired blue lasers even _more_ powerful than those of the stone giants at Oberon in a continuous energy wave, actually pushing the invader back a few meters…

But only for a moment. After that, he held one of his hands out, warping air and space around it and forcing the lasers to bend and focus on his palm. Even with the combined power pinpointed in one place, however, the lasers still didn't do any damage to him. Oberon laughed. "You struggle mightily, crystal of Atlantis…but while your power is great, your efforts are futile! I have absorbed the Spear of Destiny and your vessel, Queen Kikida! With both under my control, your power cannot harm me! But do not fret, mighty one…soon you shall be joining your Queen, along with all the other gods and magicians and artifacts I have collected within me, for you are not the only great crystal of power in this universe! Behold the magic of Ix! IXTALA!" His eyes flashed, and suddenly his whole body began emitting brilliant green light. The light washed outward, engulfing all of Atlantis in its radiance and filling the Atlanteans huddled in their homes and peering out through their windows with pure terror.

That terror abated when the green light withdrew back into Oberon…but so did all their other feelings as well. Hope, joy, compassion, fear, even love all faded, as did the city's colors, as Oberon drained great Atlantis of all its magic. The great crystal, as well as all the smaller ones which powered the many mechanisms of Atlantis and provided its citizens with life and health, had all been miniaturized and absorbed into Oberon, joining Atlantis' Queen deep in the Fae lord's heart. The giant stone faces which had floated around the crystal for countless centuries, their visages a memorial of the kings of Atlantis' past, fell from the sky and crashed down on and around the city's central plaza, their carved features deadened and no longer glowing.

Milo, Atlantis' king and Kikida's husband, could not even muster the energy to feel worried, frightful, or depressed in the wake of what had just happened. The magic in his world was gone, and his spirit seemed to have fled with it. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, not the loss of his queen or his kingdom's power, not the threat to his people, nor even what any of what had just happened might mean in the long run. The possibility of his own death did not really bother him, either. Nothing did. He just felt…vacant. Lifeless. Inert. As did all the Atlanteans.

Oberon cackled madly as he felt more power flow through his body, his blue skin becoming a lighter hue and actually starting to glow, lines of light blue energy crisscrossing their way across his body as energy bolts crackled out from his form. "Ahahaha! Yes! YES! More magic! More POWER!"

"Dude, you are one drugged-up little magic junkie. Fo' shame, dawg!"

"Eh? Wha-" Oberon whirled around just in time to receive a punch in the face, courtesy of Satan. He was flung backward, stumbling over the fallen stone faces littering the ground and nearly crashing into the royal palace. Wiping his lip, which was bleeding for a brief moment, he glared with pure hatred and fury at the devil. "WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT?!"

Satan rolled his eyes. "Well, I wouldn't _have_ to keep sucker-punching you if you didn't use some of your oh-so-mighty power to actually _see what's going on around you,_ dawg! Like I said before, you got no clue what you're doing with all that power! At this rate, you're gonna blow up any hour now, before you do any more than scratch the surface!"

"I have everything under control! I know exactly what I am doing!" Oberon snarled, eyes flashing, the power lines on his body lighting up as energy coalesced in his hands and launched itself at Satan in a devastating double energy blast.

Satan grunted as he tried to block the energy blast, holding his hands out to catch it. Despite this, the force of the attack still pushed him backwards, causing him to dig his spider legs into the ground and tear up a good portion of town as he tried to keep from getting knocked over. When he managed to get a good footing, he bent over backwards just enough for him to fling the energy he had caught into the air, where it flew into the stratosphere and exploded spectacularly. "That's what they all say!" Satan spat to his opponent.

Angrily, Oberon gestured at the fallen stone faces, lightning crackling from his fingertips and striking the carved visages of the former kings, reanimating them and putting them under his control. With a thought, he raised all of them into the air, and then started flinging them one after the other at Satan. Satan summoned his trident and swung it repeatedly to defend himself, smashing or deflecting each stone face as it came at him, either flinging them out to sea or causing rocks and broken bits of stone to fall all over the city around him. "You know, I don't think the Atlanteans are gonna be too happy about using the images of their past kings as a weapon, dawg. You got no respect! That ain't cool!"

"Weapons are all they're fit to be!" Oberon retorted, firing more lightning from his fingertips and animating all the downed flying fish-shaped vessels across the city (the ones he hadn't blown up earlier), causing them to rise up and point their guns at Satan. "Even if they were able by some twisted whim of fate to figure out how to extend their life for centuries, they were still mortal! Still human! And so they had no right to exist!"

"Dawg, right now _you're_ making a good case for why you shouldn't exist!" Satan's eyes flashed, and suddenly all the flying ships exploded. Oberon gaped, and Satan smirked and said, "What, you didn't think you were the only one who could do that, did you?"

Oberon snarled with rage and fired another super-powerful energy blast at Satan, this one strong enough to actually fling him out of the city. He then levitated into the air and fired lightning bolts at the heaps of rubble that had once been Atlantis' stone guardians, causing them to reassemble themselves and reactivate, raising the force field around the city and firing laser blasts at Satan. Oberon raised his hands into the air, energy bolts flying from his hands which struck the force field and caused it to glow ominously as spikes extruded from its surface and fired even more lethal lasers at Satan, who cursed loudly as he flew away from the blasts, strafing around the city in a circle while dodging and weaving to escape the artillery fire, moving fast enough and close enough to the surface of the ocean that his wake displaced a lot of water into the air. He fired energy blasts and balls of fire from his hell-serpent at the force field, but all his attacks were either absorbed or deflected harmlessly, gaining nothing but another round of laser fire aimed at him.

Noticing the wake he was leaving behind him when he spun over to avoid another laser blast, Satan got a brilliant idea. As he continued his flight path, he lowered his trident so that it dragged in the water behind him, throwing up even more liquid into the air. He then discharged an ice blast into the sea, so that all of the water his trident displaced was instantly frozen. The result of this was that he left a tall, jagged white wall of ice in his wake; an ice wall which was reflective enough to deflect the laser blasts right back at the force field, causing it to become disrupted and opaque from all the reflected shots. Quickly he managed to fly a complete circle around the force field, ringing it in an ice wall that both deflected the shots fired at him and made it impossible for Oberon to see where he was. "What?" Oberon questioned in confusion, stopping the laser fire so the force field was clear again, looking around for his nemesis. "Where did he…" Growling in frustration, he closed his eyes and concentrated, attempting to use his increased power to sense where the devil king had gone. He picked him up almost instantly and frowned. That couldn't be right, how could Satan have gotten right beneath-

The plaza exploded beneath him as Satan erupted from the ground, having dived underwater and burrowed through the side of the rock pillar Atlantis was perched on top of so that he could emerge into the city from underground, where the force field didn't cover. Oberon cried in alarm as Satan, cackling demonically, rocketed into him from below, slamming into the Fae lord and pushing him upwards so that they collided with the top of the force field. The dome bended outward for a moment under the force of the collision, then vaporized as Satan exerted even more pressure, causing both him and Oberon to arc outside the city boundaries and the wall of ice, flying high into the air.

Oberon growled, his eyes flashing, and pressed his hands against Satan's face as they continued to rise. "You shall die for this, demon!"

"Yeah, not likely. Wait, what're you-" Satan started, but was interrupted by Oberon unleashing a wave of power which converted the devil king's body into a solid mass of crystal, which Oberon promptly shattered, laughing triumphantly…

Until the crystal bits flew back together, reassembled into Satan, and changed back to normal. "Great, now I've got a headache. Gee, thanks."

Oberon gaped, as they began falling down towards the ocean below. "How did you do that?!"

"I have absolute control over all the molecules in my body," Satan explained. "Plus, my consciousness is ingrained in my cells…or something like that…so I can regenerate from a tiny portion of myself, if need be."

"Oh," Oberon said sullenly, just as they hit the water, splashing down and sinking beneath the surface.

Satan's head popped out of the water moments later, his afro soaking wet and sagging down on his head. He coughed and spat out some water. "Well, that was fun." He glanced around. "Where'd that loser go…WHOA!" He quickly spread his wings and leaped out of the water as a giant whirlpool formed near where he had just been floating, one so big it could have engulfed him if he hadn't gotten out of the way in time. "Well, guess that answers that question."

From the depths of the vortex emerged an enormous vaguely humanoid form comprised completely of water, sunlight glistening off its liquid body, gelled muscles, pointed ears, bald head and mirrored eyes. Oberon floated in the middle of the construct's watery form, glaring out at Satan and the world in general with disdain. The watery giant stretched out its muscled arms and roared, its face splitting to reveal an impossibly large and jagged mouth. Satan frowned. "Aw, c'mon, dawg, didn't we try something like this before?" He twirled his trident and pointed it at the giant. "Looks to me like you need to _chill out_, man!" He fired an ice beam at the giant's chest, causing a small patch of it to freeze…then melt almost instantly. "Er…"

"You were saying?" Oberon said smugly.

"Uh…hold on a sec…" Satan lowered his trident and fired another ice beam, this one into the whirlpool. Unfortunately, the vortex was moving so fast that his ice was unable to spread fast enough to freeze all the water before being torn apart. "Aw, crap. Looks like you've got me beat, dawg…" Oberon laughed, but was abruptly cut off when Satan yelled, "PSYCHE!" and shot a lightning bolt at the water giant. "First rule of Elemental Physics: water conducts electricity, you idjit!" The lightning bolt struck the liquid monster, and both Oberon and the giant screamed in agony as electricity crackled through their bodies, ravaging their forms and causing excruciating pain.

Satan howled with laughter as Oberon writhed in pain, and then held up a finger, as if he had just realized something. "Ooh, wait, something's missing…ah, I've got it, I need to go get something appropriate to use for the finishing blow, for this round, anyway. Hang on, my man, I'll be right back!" He dove into the ocean as Oberon's whirlpool and water giant both collapsed, leaving the scorched and electrified elf panting and gasping for air as he floated listlessly over the sea.

"You…will regret this, fiend!" he snarled as his wounds healed themselves. He quickly dove into the ocean after Satan, easily able to track the demon now that he was really focusing on it. "You think you can escape me in the sea?! I have the power of Triton! Of Poseidon! Of Atlantis!"

"Yeah, but know what I've got?" Satan called back, rushing up towards Oberon from further down, holding something very large and dark, actually a little bigger than he was, that Oberon could not quite make out just yet, despite his elven eyes and supposed mastery over the sea.

"No, what-" Oberon stopped in mid-speech, eyes widening in disbelief.

"A giant robot lobster!" Satan cried, swinging the giant aquatic Atlantean guardian (he hadn't attacked Oberon earlier because he couldn't reach the surface in time to stop him), Leviathan (no relation to the Demon of Envy) through the water and hitting Oberon with it with such great force that the Fae lord went flying. Screaming, he burst out of the water, arced high into the air, and teleported away before he could hit the water again.

"Running away with your tail between your legs, huh?" Satan said with a chuckle, letting go of Leviathan. "You can run, but you can't hide, dawg! No matter where you go, I'm gonna getcha!" In a burst of darkness, he vanished.

The great Leviathan, its purpose served, slowly sank back down to the bottom of the ocean, as lifeless and inert as the city it had been created to protect. It seemed as if the mighty Atlantis was, once again, a lost empire…

…

Imperialdramon FM and Gallantmon atop his flying steed Grani bravely fought against the fiery Mushuzilla in a devastated area of Dark City, the burning and ruined remnants of buildings littering the ground everywhere. The naked Magnamon screamed not so bravely as he dangled from the end of Imperialdramon's tail, still unnoticed by everyone. "WILL SOMEBODY GET ME DOWN FROM HERE?!" he screamed pitifully.

"Raaaaahhhh!" Mushuzilla snarled as he struggled against Imperialdramon, grappling with the giant Digimon using his front limbs and claws, muscles straining as he tried to push the other dragon back without losing ground himself. Frustrated with how they seemed to be at a stalemate, the mutated monster unleashed a blast of atomic fire in Imperialdramon's face. Fortunately, the Digimon's 'brain' was in the control center in its chest, not his head, so the flames caused little more than superficial damage, and Imperialdramon's strength was not hindered in the least. Gallantmon flew by on Grani, showering Mushuzilla's scales with fire from machine guns on Grani's wings and causing the dragon to hiss in annoyance, but much like Mushuzilla's flames against Imperialdramon the bullets did only superficial damage to the dragon's hide, nothing big enough to cause it to lose the struggle with its foe.

"We need more power if we're going to defeat this thing!" Alphamon said in the control room.

"Engine room, go all out! Full throttle!" Craniummon yelled into the intercom.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"We're already running as fast as we can! Well, he is, anyway," Sleipmon admitted from his treadmill down below, glancing at Duftmon Leopard Mode, who seemed to be able to draw from a nearly limitless well of strength to make himself go faster and faster without slowing on the treadmill in response to the increasingly invective contents of the verbal abuse and insults Dynasmon kept throwing at him. There was a terrifyingly psychotic gleam in the leopard's eye which caused the centaur warrior to shudder. "But I'm getting tired, slowing down. One carrot is nice, but that's not really enough incentive to get more out of me-" A whole bundle of carrots lowered from the ceiling to dangle next to the single carrot already out. "Never mind." He started running faster. Not as fast as Duftmon, of course, but still a bit faster than he had been going just moments ago. And as a result, Imperialdramon's power levels rose gradually, not by much, but just enough to get the advantage over Mushuzilla. The dragon hissed in alarm and tried pushing back, digging his heels into the ground and breathing more flame into Imperialdramon's face, but it did little good. He could feel his enemy growing stronger and pushing back harder than he could handle.

Gallantmon's next attack was the straw that broke Mushuzilla's back (not literally, of course) as he swung by on his next pass, pointing his lance at the dragon's plated spine. "Lightning Joust!" A powerful ball of electric energy formed at the tip of his lance and fired, exploding against the dragon's back and causing him to cry out in surprise and brief pain, which gave Imperialdramon the opening he needed to shove forward with all his strength and topple Mushuzilla to the ground. The Digital dragon leaped forward, drawing back his left arm, but Mushuzilla quickly slithered out of the way before Imperialdramon could drive the claw-tipped gauntlet over his left hand into the ground, right where the red dragon's head had been moments ago. Mushuzilla rolled over and lashed out with his long tail, knocking Imperialdramon off his feet and sending him crashing to the ground. Mushuzilla quickly got to his feet, gathering fire in his maw for another blast, intending to hit Imperialdramon in the back while he was still down.

Fortunately, Gallantmon swung by again and fired another Lightning Joust into Mushuzilla's mouth, causing the growing ball of flame to detonate in the dragon's maw and cause Mushuzilla to scream in agony, blood and a few teeth flying all over the place. The dragon staggered backwards, blood dripping from his jaws, as Imperialdramon recovered and got back to his feet, turning to face the red dragon. As he did so, Gallantmon swung down low around the giant's back and finally noticed Magnamon dangling from Imperialdramon's tail. He had not noticed the poor creature before because without his armor, Magnamon's blue skin blended in pretty well with Imperialdramon's tail. From Gallantmon's current angle, however, it was nearly impossible to miss the naked Royal Knight, and he quickly had Grani fly down and hover underneath the youngest member of their organization. "Magnamon, drop down! I'm here to catch you!" he called up to the (Un)Armored Digimon, trying not to look too closely at Magnamon's very exposed private parts.

"Oh, thank the Programmer, it's about time! Do you have any idea how long I've been hanging here?!" Magnamon yelled down to him.

Gallantmon flinched. "Um…since I saw you jump to Imperialdramon when he beamed everyone else up except for you?"

There was a pause. Magnamon's eye twitched. "Wait. WAIT. You SAW me up here earlier, hanging on for dear life?! Then why the hell didn't you HELP ME GET INSIDE?!"

"Um…" Gallantmon's mind raced, quickly trying to think of an explanation that didn't make him sound like a jerk or forever shatter Magnamon's faith in the Royal Knights. "I…didn't see you after Imperialdramon Mode Changed, and had enough faith in your skills as one of the members of the elite Royal Knights to believe you had gotten in on your own and so didn't need my help?"

Magnamon blinked. "Oh," he said, mollified and a little flattered. "You had faith in me? Really?"

"Well…yes," Gallantmon said, which wasn't completely a lie. "I mean, I figured that if you've managed to stay with us for as long as you have, clearing every level of training as well as surviving the Heartless wars, you certainly could climb into Imperialdramon on your own power. I'm sorry if my mistaken thinking led to you getting in trouble, Magnamon."

_I thought he only got into the Royal Knights because he was UlforceVeedramon's cousin,_ Grani said to his rider telepathically.

_Shut up, Grani!_ Gallantmon hissed back.

"Well, I guess its okay…" Magnamon said grudgingly. "But…if you see me in trouble like that again, don't hesitate to help me out, okay? I'm not _that_ proud."

Gallantmon laughed and held out his arms. "That's refreshing…Dynasmon would have felt insulted if we tried to help him out in a fight, even if he were on the ground, leaking data profusely, and missing at least one limb, saying he 'had it all under control.' You can drop now, I'll catch you."

"All right. I…I trust you." Magnamon let go of Imperialdramon's tail, falling right into Gallantmon's arms. He cried out in pain, feeling blood flow to his arms again, which had been forced to support his weight for the last several minutes and gotten rather stiff. It turned out he had let go just in time too, for at that moment Mushuzilla, who had still been fighting with Imperialdramon while the two knights had been talking, managed to ram his head into the dragon Digimon's chest with a powerful tackle, knocking him over and causing him to land on his back, which would most certainly have killed Magnamon if he hadn't fallen into Gallantmon's arms just then. Even so, the duo barely managed to fly out from under Imperialdramon on Grani before the giant dragon could topple down on top of them, which would have killed both of them. "Whoa!"

"That was close," Gallantmon agreed. He narrowed his eyes as Mushuzilla leaped onto Imperialdramon, pinning him down and savagely clawing at the dragon's face and armor. "Hold on, looks like our comrades could use a hand! Grani, take us in!"

"Oh crap," groaned Magnamon, wrapping his arms around the much larger Gallantmon's neck as Grani turned about and flew back towards the wrestling dragons, machine guns blazing. The bullets ricocheted off of Mushuzilla's scales, irritating the dragon. He glanced away from Imperialdramon long enough to snarl and spit five enormous fireballs, one after the other, towards Grani and his passengers.

The flying machine expertly avoided the first three projectiles, flying up, down, and to the sides to get out of the way. The last two, however, were a lot bigger than the previous ones, and very close together, if they avoided one, they would probably just run into the other. "What do we do?!" Magnamon cried in alarm.

"We're going in," Gallantmon said, giving Grani a mental command. The living machine acknowledged him and rocketed towards the nearest of the two giant fireballs, heading right for it.

"What're you doing?! We're going to crash!" Magnamon screamed.

"That's the idea. Brace yourself; this is going to be a little rough!" Gallantmon yelled, letting go of Magnamon with his left arm, summoning his shield Aegis to his hand. He crouched down, close to Grani's back, holding the shield out before him and covering both Magnamon and himself with it from the front. He did this just in time, as right then Grani flew right into the fireball, piercing its flaming surface.

For a moment, it seemed as if their suicidal plunge had had no effect. The fireball looked exactly the same. But then…

Grani, front end burnt with flames trailing from his wings, erupted out the other side of the fireball, still intact. Gallantmon, who had been able to protect himself and Magnamon from the fireball's molten interior with his shield and fireproof cape, stood up, his armor a little scorched from where his cape and shield had been unable to adequately protect him, but still otherwise all right. "Are you okay?" he asked Magnamon, who was clinging to him with wide eyes, blue skin looking a little burnt from the incredible heat of the fireball they had just passed through safely.

"That…that was incredible!" Magnamon stammered. "Let's never do that again!"

"Agreed," said Gallantmon. "Now, come on! We still have to help Imperialdramon! Grani, level us out and ready the main cannon!"

_Right!_ Grani said as he flew over the wrestling Mushuzilla and Imperialdramon, and then looped around a single smoldering skyscraper, arcing towards the ground, and shot right back towards the dragons, flying only a few meters above the pitted and cracked surface of the street below them. Grani's jaws opened as they approached, energy collecting in his maw and forming three blue energy balls which spun in his mouth, linked by crackling bolts of electricity.

"What're we doing?" Magnamon, still hanging on tightly to Gallantmon's neck, asked the armored knight.

"Firing Grani's strongest weapon. We have to do it from this angle; otherwise we might risk hitting Imperialdramon. The cannon should be strong enough to knock Mushuzilla off of Imperialdramon and allow our comrades to regain their footing," Gallantmon explained. "Grani, are we ready?"

_The main cannon is charged at full power,_ Grani informed him.

"All right! Fire YUGGOTH BLASTER!" Gallantmon bellowed.

Grani did just that. From the three glowing balls in his mouth, a tremendous blue energy beam several feet in diameter shot forth, shattering windows and collapsing broken buildings in its wake as it streaked towards Mushuzilla. The red dragon, hearing the whine of the approaching energy blast, looked away from Imperialdramon long enough to see the giant blue beam coming towards him. He only had enough time for his eyes to widen in horror before the blast hit him, tearing him off Imperialdramon and sending him flying for several kilometers, smashing him through countless buildings as it continued shooting forward until he managed to slip off the forefront of it and drop to the ground, hitting the street headfirst. The remainder of the beam kept going for a few more blocks until it finally ran out of inertia and exploded, wiping out a couple of city blocks and knocking Mushuzilla, who had just gotten back on his feet, to the ground again. He groaned and got back up to his feet…

Until he heard Imperialdramon yell, "POSITRON LASER!" Mushuzilla squealed and quickly ducked down again, just barely avoiding an incredibly powerful laser shot just as strong (if not stronger) than Grani's Yuggoth Blaster, if perhaps a bit narrower in diameter. It shot over his head and exploded in the distance, blowing up more of the city in the process.

"I think we missed him," Craniummon said inside Imperialdramon's cockpit.

"He's a slippery little devil…" growled Alphamon.

Crusadermon sighed. "At this rate, we'll never win! And if we don't win, how am I to write a victory sonnet?"

"Oh, then of course we'll get right on it, Crusadermon," Alphamon said sarcastically. "Because we absolutely _have_ to have a victory sonnet."

"Good, I'm glad we both see eye to eye," Crusadermon said, the sarcasm totally flying over her head. Alphamon palmed his face.

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

The external communicator crackled and switched on, Gallantmon's voice ringing through the cockpit. "Hey, are you guys all right in there?"

"We're all fine, Gallantmon," Alphamon replied. "We didn't take any serious damage."

"That's good to hear. I just dropped off a passenger I picked up on your tail. Literally. He should be down in a minute," Gallantmon said. "Try to keep a better eye on him in the future, okay? I don't think he appreciates being left hanging for so long."

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled. But it was too late, Gallantmon had already signed off.

Craniummon scratched his head, looking puzzled. "A passenger? Who's he talking about?"

"You don't suppose…" Alphamon started, a look of horror dawning in his eyes.

"Hey, it's me, I finally got here," Magnamon said, walking into the cockpit, much to the other's surprise. "Don't get up on my account, not like any of you even noticed I was gone or came looking for me. JERKS."

"Why, it's Magnamon!" Crusadermon looked the youngest member of the Knights up and down. "And you're still naked. How distasteful."

"HEY, IT'S MY COUSIN!" UlforceVeedramon yelled loudly. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, MAGNAMON? WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU!"

Magnamon blinked. "You were?"

Alphamon nodded. "Yes, we sent Omnimon out just a little while ago to go looking for you!"

It was at that moment that Omnimon entered the room, right behind Magnamon. "Well, I looked in the bathroom and he wasn't there, so I have no clue where he could-" He stopped, noticing Magnamon was standing right before him. "Magnamon! Where'd you come from?!"

"From Imperialdramon's tail. Where I've been hanging for the last several minutes until Gallantmon picked me up, because NOBODY THOUGHT TO LOOK FOR ME OUT THERE! Why the HELL did you think I might be in the bathroom?!" Magnamon yelled angrily.

Omnimon fidgeted uneasily. "Um…well...I figured you might be in there hiding because you're, you know, still naked…embarrassed, right? Or you might have…well…fallen in."

There was a pause. "What?!" Magnamon asked incredulously.

"Well, come on, look at us! Most of the Royal Knights, I mean!" Omnimon said. "We're a _lot_ bigger than you, which means we need larger toilets to support our weight! Is it so hard to imagine that you might have fallen into one of them by accident?"

Magnamon considered that. "Well…they _are_ pretty large…" he admitted.

"And you are very, very small," Crusadermon said helpfully. "So very small indeed."

"Magnamon, I'm sorry that it took so long for us to find you and that you had to hang out on the tail for so long," Alphamon apologized. "We honestly had no idea you were out there, and were deeply concerned since we couldn't figure out where you might be. You are a valued member of our organization, and the possibility that you might have been lost to us weighed very deeply on our hearts."

"Really?" asked a touched Magnamon.

"He is?" asked an incredulous Crusadermon.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Yes, we were, and he is," Alphamon said, glaring at the pink Knight. "Now, Magnamon, if you'd sit down at your control station, we could use your help. This battle isn't won just yet!"

Magnamon glanced at his usual seat. "Well…"

"We'll get you a new set of armor and a five percent pay raise when we get back home," Craniummon said helpfully. "And hazard pay as well."

"Woohoo! All right!" Magnamon said eagerly, leaping into his station. "Let's get this show on the road!"

"We get paid?" murmured Omnimon, scratching his head in confusion.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

Magnamon glanced around. "Hey, aren't we missing someone? Like... three others?"

"They're currently doing vital tasks to help us in our difficult battles!" Craniummon explained. "Sleipmon and Duftmon are running Imperialdramon's generators manually."

Magnamon nodded. "I see... and Dynasmon?"

"He's currently enjoying his vital role of giving Duftmon motivation..." Craniummon muttered.

"Right, I see... I don't want to know how Duftmon is being motivated or what he's motivated to do..." Magnamon said.

Alphamon nodded. "Wise decision! Now, let's continue our fight and bring down that creature!"

"Hold on... didn't Merlin say NOT to kill him?" Magnamon asked.

Omnimon blinked. "He's right... he did say that!"

Alphamon sighed. "I forgot as well..."

Crusadermon stared at their leader in shock. "How could you forget?!"

"Nine reasons..." Alphamon muttered. "Nine very good reasons, eight of which are wearing armor, and one who lost his to a pirate…"

"Hey, just like me!" Magnamon said. "Guess I'm not the only one, then!" Alphamon palmed his face.

Outside, Mushuzilla snarled as Imperialdramon confidently advanced, Gallantmon on Grani floating beside him. He wasn't very happy. Those stupid Digimon had almost killed him twice now with their giant flashy laser beams! He could have died! Well, it was time for him to return the favor. This mutated dragon still had more than a few tricks up his sleeve! Not that he actually wore sleeves, but, you know.

Crouching to gather power in his legs, Mushuzilla jumped, landing on top of a nearby toppled skyscraper, the fallen building groaning beneath his weight. Glancing at the approaching Digimon with an evil gleam in his eye, Mushuzilla hopped again into the air, thrusting his right arm upwards and firing a series of fireballs into the sky. Seeing this, Imperialdramon and Gallantmon tensed, steeling themselves for whatever attack was about to come.

It was worse than they expected. The fireballs, now swollen to the size of meteors, rained down on them from above, smashing into the ground and exploding all over the place. Grani was just barely able to move fast enough to maneuver out of the way of the meteors, but the blast from a nearby explosion still nearly knocked him out of the sky, flipping him over and sending him in a corkscrew towards the ground which he was able to pull out of only _just_ in time. Gallantmon, quite dazed, was very relieved that his boots were magnetically fused to Grani's hull.

Imperialdramon wasn't so lucky. The explosions all around had knocked him off his feet, torn his wings, and damaged his body armor. He fell to his knees, smoking, with electricity crackling around his wounded areas. Inside the control room, the Royal Knights frantically tried to get Imperialdramon back up, even as the lights flickered, some of the fuses in their consoles blew, and the interior of the cockpit started smelling like fried eggs. "Damn! We're losing Imperialdramon!" Alphamon yelled angrily.

"Shit, I just get back, and we almost die! How's that for karma!?" Magnamon groaned.

"Hull integrity has been compromised…we have fires breaking out on several of the maintenance levels. The Positron Laser cannon is also offline, and we've taken too much damage to fire the Giga Crusher," Craniummon reported. "We are, at the moment, totally defenseless."

"We're all going to die!" wailed Crusadermon. "I must write a proper eulogy for all of us." Everyone groaned, and UlforceVeedramon yelled, "WHAT?"

"Sir, what should we do?" Omnimon asked his leader anxiously.

Alphamon sighed and looked at his second-in-command regretfully. "It seems, old friend, that I must ask you to make a great sacrifice. There's only one way we can repair Imperialdramon and make him strong enough to defeat this monster, and I think you know what that is."

Omnimon looked at him in confusion for a moment…and then his eyes widened in horror. "No…you can't mean…not _that!_"

Alphamon nodded sadly. "I'm afraid so."

"But…but sir! Surely there must be another way!" Omnimon protested. "You know how much I hate doing…THAT!"

Alphamon shook his head. "I'm afraid we have no choice. If we do not do this, then we have a good chance of losing here and now, which would mean the end of the Royal Knights. Isn't that right, Craniummon?"

Craniummon nodded. "That's right, sir. I calculate we have a twenty-three percent chance of defeating Mushuzilla in our current damaged state, even with Gallantmon's help, and at least a seventy-eight percent chance of prevailing if we can boost Imperialdramon to the next level."

"But…but…" Omnimon shook his head angrily. "No! I can't do this. I'm sorry, I know what it means, but I absolutely can't. I'm sorry sir, but I have to refuse you in this, just this once. I absolutely cannot do it!"

Alphamon shook his head unhappily. "Then you leave me no choice, Omnimon." His finger stretched out, hovering over a particular button on his console.

Omnimon's eyes widened. "S-sir?!"

"We must all make sacrifices," Alphamon said with a heavy sigh, pushing the button. Omnimon's chair rumbled and suddenly shot upward as a giant spring underneath it uncoiled, catapulting a screaming Omnimon into the air, through a hatch that had just opened in the ceiling, and out of Imperialdramon altogether. Alphamon sighed and lowered his head, while the others looked up at the hole Omnimon had just vanished through, shocked. "I'm sorry, old friend…"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"DAMN YOU, ALPHAMON! I'D BETTER BE GETTING A RAISE AND HAZARD PAY FOR THIS, TOOOOOOOO!" Omnimon screamed as he plummeted downwards towards the ground before the giant, currently immobile, giant Digimon.

"I don't think he should have a raise…he just got one…" Craniummon said. The others stared at him. "What?"

"Was that a joke?" asked an amazed Magnamon.

"Well, sort of-"

"Never do it again," Alphamon said firmly. "Ever. There's a reason you're our statistician and science officer, not our comedian."

Craniummon sighed and hunched over. "Yes, sir…"

"So, Crusadermon? Are you going to write a woeful poem?" Magnamon asked the female Knight.

She looked at him in confusion. "Why?"

"Well, you know, because we sort of just lost one of our members…I'm sure you wrote a poem when you all thought I was gone, right?" Magnamon pressed.

"No, not really," Crusadermon said.

Magnamon glared at her. "I hate you."

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

Meanwhile, Omnimon was still plummeting towards the ground. Knowing he had little choice, the Royal Knight gave in and did what Alphamon had wanted him to do. With a pair of clicks, his arms detached from his body and tumbled away towards the ground. The rest of his body stiffened, began to glow a brilliant white, and started growing.

The two arms glowed as well, the dinosaur arm orange and the other blue, but instead of growing they shrunk, turning into a small yellow-skinned green-eyed T-rex and a yellow-skinned dog-lizard thing with a unicorn horn wearing a white and blue-striped animal pelt. "Ugh, I always hate this part," the T-rex, named Agumon, complained. "Having to split up, I mean."

The dog-lizard, called Gabumon, nodded. "Yeah, it feels so weird being two separate minds after spending so much time in the same head. It actually feels a little…lonely, not hearing your thoughts. Even though they're also my thoughts when we're combined. Er…you know what I mean."

Agumon nodded in agreement. "Hey, did you remember to bring parachutes?"

Gabumon blinked. "Um…no, I thought you were going to bring them this time."

They stared at each other for a long moment, and both realized they still had a rather long way to fall. "Oh CRAAAAAAAAAP!" they screamed as they hurtled towards the ground. Fortunately for the duo that made up Omnimon's core consciousness, Gallantmon quickly swooped down to rescue them. A real stand-up guy, that Gallantmon.

As for the rest of Omnimon's body, which was now an inert metal form without its twin brains, Agumon and Gabumon, after its arms had detached it had continued glowing, growing, and elongating until the light around it faded to reveal that it had turned into an enormous white broadsword, longer than Imperialdramon was tall, with a long hilt, a gold claw-tipped crosspiece with the claws facing the blade, and runes of Digi-code carved into the flat of the blade. The sight of this sword seemed to stir new life into Imperialdramon, and he reached out with his right hand to grab the hilt. The instant he did so, both Imperialdramon and the sword lit up with a blinding flash that caused Mushuzilla to screech in alarm and shield his eyes, and forced Gallantmon to raise his shield to protect the eyes of his passengers from the glare.

"Imperialdramon Mode Change to…"

The light faded, revealing that Imperialdramon had gotten back to his feet, holding the mighty sword in his right hand, his armor repaired and his wings mended. All the black parts of his body armor had become pure white, as well as the dragon head on his chest and his helmet, making the golden parts stand out even more. His wings had changed from red to gray, and the laser cannon on his right arm had disappeared. Spreading his wings and causing motes of lights to shoot out and sparkle everywhere, Imperialdramon called out, "PALADIN MODE!" Mushuzilla whimpered, having the distinct feeling that he was screwed.

"He's magnificent, isn't he?" Gallantmon said to his steed.

_I think we're pretty radiant too, when _WE_ mode change,_ Grani grumbled.

"Yeah, it becomes SO fucking brilliant when WE'RE not part of it," Agumon groused.

"What are we, deadweight or something?" Gabumon agreed.

The control room had changed as well, becoming whiter and shinier, like some holy chapel or exquisite high-tech throne room. There was gold trim and jewels everywhere, and Digi-code chains ran along the walls. "Wow…" said Magnamon. He had seen this happen before, but it was still very impressive.

"How have I yet to write a poem detailing this exquisite beauty?!" Crusadermon asked in disbelief.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"How are we doing?" Alphamon asked Craniummon.

"Hull integrity is at one hundred percent, all damage has been repaired, and all systems are working at full capacity, if not greater," Craniummon reported. "Oh, and Gallantmon got Agumon and Gabumon."

Alphamon nodded. "All right. Let's show that dragon the full power of the Royal Knights! Fire main cannon!"

The dragon head on Imperialdramon's chest opened up, the nozzle of the laser cannon protruding from its mouth. It glowed, gathering energy in its barrel. "Giga Crusher!" Imperialdramon cried, firing an extremely powerful white energy sphere out of the cannon, hurtling right towards Mushuzilla.

The dragon tried to dodge the attack, but the energy sphere was much faster than he had anticipated. It slammed into him, causing his mouth to gape open in pain as his body bent forward to match the curvature of the sphere that had just him. And then…

The sphere exploded, sending him hurtling away, tumbling and twisting and smashing through buildings before he came to a stop on the ground several blocks away, eyes fluttering wildly, gasping for breath, scales and armored plates cracked and broken, blood pouring from several wounds all over his body. It looked as if one or two of his limbs might have been broken, or at the very least sprained, too. A shadow fell over the fallen dragon as the gleaming white Imperialdramon stepped forward, holding his sword in both hands.

"And now, for the finishing blow!" Alphamon commanded.

Imperialdramon raised its sword over his head, gathering power into his blade. "Omni…."

Gallantmon and his passengers watched with great anticipation, expecting the battle to be over any moment now that Imperialdramon was about to use his sword to deliver the final strike. However, what none of them knew was that events were already conspiring in the engine room of the giant dragon warrior which would ruin everything.

Duftmon could only see red. His universe had narrowed down to only two things: himself, and the Enemy he was running towards, the Enemy who never got any closer, no matter how fast he ran. The loathsome, foul, EVIL Enemy with his cruel and sneering words of hate.

"Your hair smells like wet dog!"

"You sure you're a leopard? Where'd your spots run off to?"

"Can you really fly with those wings, or are they just for show?"

"You're the ugliest cat I've ever seen!"

"Your tail is stupid!"

"Here, kitty-kitty! Here kitty! Come to Dynasmon! Catch me if you can…which you CAN'T! Not running like that, anyway!"

"You run like a girl!"

"You fight like a girl!"

"You look like a girl!"

"You shag like a girl!"

"You sound like a girl!"

"You smell like…um…a girl who hasn't bathed in a while! Yeah!"

"There once was a man from Nantucket…and he was stupid, just like you!"

"Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts in a row…er, I mean, you stink!"

"You really stink!"

"You really, really stink!"

"Man, this insulting's pretty hungry work. I'm gonna eat one of these carrots over here. munch, munch"

"Hey, those are mine!" Sleipmon protested.

"Get your own!" Dynasmon said rudely with his mouth full as he chomped on the vegetable.

"…I just said, they _are_ mine!" Sleipmon said, looking confused.

"Yeah? Well, I don't see your name on 'em," Dynasmon said, finishing his carrot. He reached out and grabbed another one. "Hey, these are pretty good."

"St-stop that!" Sleipmon yelled angrily. "Those aren't yours!"

"Yeah? Well what're you gonna do about it? You can't use any of your attacks on me, the room's too small and you'll probably damage the delicate power-generating equipment, and Alphamon wouldn't be too pleased about that," Dynasmon said, finishing his second carrot. He spat some of the crumbs in Duftmon's face, causing the leopard's anger to skyrocket to whole new levels of fury before turning back to Sleipmon. "So, really, there's nothing you can do but bite my shiny metal a-"

There was a terrific groan of metal, a great snap, and Duftmon, trailing sparking cables and the harness that had been put on him to better channel his energy, broke free from his treadmill and lunged, roaring savagely, at Dynasmon. The winged knight shrieked in terror, defecating himself as Duftmon tackled him, breaking him down from the rope he was dangling from and pinning him against the floor, where he proceeded to violently maul his detractor. "AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH! NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!!!"

Sleipmon blinked in astonishment, considered helping Dynasmon for a brief moment, then kept on running, stretching his arms out to see if Dynasmon had managed to nudge the carrots a little closer to him when he had stolen that last couple.

The lights in the control room flickered and dimmed considerably, and Imperialdramon froze in mid-swing, the giant sword stopping only inches before it could strike Mushuzilla. The prone dragon, who had squeezed his eyes shut in anticipation of the end, slowly opened one to see why it was taking so long for Imperialdramon to hit him. When he saw that the sword-bearing dragon was frozen, he opened the other eye, amazed that he had somehow managed to earn a reprieve. A slow grin came to his face, and he rolled out from under the blade and started getting back to his feet. "Uh-oh…" murmured an uneasy Gallantmon as he looked at the seemingly paralyzed Imperialdramon and the recovering Mushuzilla. "This can't be good…"

It wasn't. "Power levels dropping! They're at seventy-five percent…fifty percent…thirty percent…_fifteen_ percent!" Craniummon yelled frantically as the cockpit grew darker and darker.

"Aaaaahhhh! I'm scared of the dark!" Magnamon cried, hiding under his console.

"Oh…the darkness…beautiful and eternal in its endless night…as the sun rises; it flees, but will always return to swallow the light…" Crusadermon sang.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Everyone, shut up!" Alphamon bellowed. "Craniummon, why are we losing power?"

"There seems to be a problem in the engine room," Craniummon said, checking his flickering monitors.

Alphamon punched the intercom. "Sleipmon! Duftmon! Dynasmon! What the hell is going on down there?!"

The only response they got was anguished, agonizing screams of excruciating pain along with incredibly bestial roars of rage and ecstasy. Faces pale, the Royal Knights looked at each other in horror. "BELOVED!" screamed Crusadermon, recognizing the anguished howls as being Dynasmon's, since they were almost identical to the noises he made when they were making love.

"Oh Programmer, it's like that movie! With the aliens, and space, and getting sucked out of airlocks, and stuff! They're picking us off one by one! We're going to be next!" wailed Magnamon, rocking back and forth under his console.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Like I said before, everyone shut up!" Alphamon yelled again. "What the hell is going on down there?!" He switched on a screen on his console, allowing him to see what was happening in the engine room. "I don't believe this," he said after a moment, taking it all in. "Duftmon's somehow gotten free and is maiming Dynasmon…and Sleipmon's still running! He's not doing anything to stop it!" The other Knights gasped.

"Well, that's actually probably a good thing," Craniummon commented. "If he had stopped to help, then we'd have _no_ power at all rather than the tiny bit we have now."

"You told me Duftmon's harness was made of triple-reinforced adamant Digizoid! You said my dearest would be in no danger!" Crusadermon shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Alphamon.

"But…but he shouldn't have been! I don't understand, how could Duftmon possibly have broken free?!" cried an incredulous Alphamon.

"Ah…well…" Craniummon fidgeted. "The _harness_ was made of adamant Digizoid, yes…but the, er, nuts and bolts holding it down were made of plain old nickel and iron. Rather cheap nickel and iron at that."

There was a long pause. "Craniummon," Alphamon said finally, glaring at the most intelligent of the Royal Knights. "Why were the restraints made of such flimsy metal?"

"We didn't have the budget for anything more expensive…" Craniummon said sheepishly. "If we couldn't afford a new energy core for Imperialdramon, do you really think we could afford an expensive harness like the one we got for Duftmon without cutting a few corners?"

Alphamon put his face in his hands and groaned. "Um, wait, does this mean we don't have the budget for new armor for me? Or a raise? Or-" Magnamon started.

"Magnamon, not now," Alphamon snapped. "Crusadermon, Craniummon, get down there and pull those two apart, quickly! Before somebody gets killed!"

"Yes sir!" the two chorused. The Digimon quickly got up and left the room.

"Why didn't you send UlforceVeedramon, too?" Magnamon asked.

"Because he can't hear a word we're saying," Alphamon said flatly.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"That means it's up to us, Magnamon, to run this thing until everything gets settled down below. It won't be easy fighting Mushuzilla with so little power, but if we work together with Gallantmon we still might have a chance," Alphamon said.

It was then that Mushuzilla, who had by that point recovered his strength, wrestled the Omni Sword out of Imperialdramon's hands, nearly fell over backwards due to its weight, then tossed it away and rammed into the immobile dragon, pushing him over and causing him to hit the ground on his back with a heavy thud. Mushuzilla planted a foot on the prone Imperialdramon's chest and roared to the heavens, breathing tongues of flame into the sky.

"Then again, maybe we don't," Alphamon amended as all the lights went out and loud alarms blared, warning them that Imperialdramon, due to his severe power loss thanks to having just one Digimon running in the engine room as well as the damage Mushuzilla had just inflicted, was in serious threat of shutting down permanently.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Magnamon screamed.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

Outside, Mushuzilla had Imperialdramon right where he wanted him, and was preparing to roast him with atomic fire. Before he could, though, he heard a familiar high-pitched whine. Eyes widening, he quickly leaped off the dragon and ducked for cover just as the Yuggoth Blaster shot by, nearly hitting him. "Stay away from them, you foul beast!" Gallantmon cried as he flew past on Grani, raking the mutated dragon's scales with bullets and a Lightning Joust or two. Agumon and Gabumon helped as well by spitting fireballs and bursts of blue flame. Only Gallantmon's attacks seemed to do any damage, but the two Digimon who comprised Omnimon's consciousness didn't want to feel left out. Mushuzilla hissed angrily and spat a number of giant fireballs at the Digimon. Grani maneuvered out of their way and circled around the battlefield, slowing down and descending towards a fallen building.

"This is where you two get off," Gallantmon told his passengers. "Try and get to the Omni Sword, if you can combine with it you should become Omnimon again and might be able to help out."

"But what about you?" asked a worried Gabumon as he hopped off of Grani's wing and landed on the wrecked building.

"Imperialdramon's out of commission, and there's no telling how long it'll take before he ready to fight again! It's up to me to save the rest of the Knights!" Gallantmon declared.

"Do you think you can beat him?" Agumon asked doubtfully as he jumped off to join Gabumon. "He's taken everything we've thrown at him, and still come back for more…"

"I might beat him, I might not, but either way I'll buy time for the others to get Imperialdramon up and running again, and then we can finish the fight together!" Gallantmon said. Grani started to rise into the air, leaving the two smaller Digimon behind. "With Grani by my side, I know I can do it!" The living flying machine swiveled about and rocketed away, heading back towards Mushuzilla, who was stomping back towards Imperialdramon to finish what he had been about to do before Gallantmon had forced him to back off just a minute ago.

"Shield of the Just!" Gallantmon cried, thrusting his Aegis forward and firing a really cool twisting white, gold and red energy beam from his shield which slammed into Mushuzilla and caused him to stagger sideways, roaring in pain. Hissing angrily, the dragon turned his head and released a blast of atomic fire breath at the knight and his flying steed. Grani swerved out of the way and flew around Mushuzilla's hide, allowing Gallantmon to fire several Lightning Joust bursts in quick succession at the monster's waist at close range, causing the dragon to thrash about in anguish, before flying a safe distance away. Angered, Mushuzilla turned his attention away from Imperialdramon, intending to squash that pesky fly that kept stinging him so VERY hard once and for all.

"Okay Grani, we have his attention!" Gallantmon told his partner. "You know what to do next!"

_Affirmative,_ said Grani. Grani angled sharply upwards and accelerated into the air with a sonic boom, flying high above the battlefield. Mushuzilla blinked and looked upwards in confusion, wondering what was going on.

Once the living aircraft had reached sufficient altitude, he curved his flight path so that he was soaring upside-down, Gallantmon hanging from his back. And once he had achieved this position…

He released the magnets holding Gallantmon in place, causing the armored knight to fall away towards the ground far below, red cape streaming behind him. Grani looped about and shot down after him, reducing his speed and altering his angle of descent so that he and Gallantmon were flying (or falling) side-by-side towards the ground and the angry dragon beneath them. Mushuzilla snarled and spat several fireballs up at them, in hopes that the duo might run into one as they were falling and die.

Gallantmon wasn't particularly worried about that possibility, however. "Grani, now!" he called to his winged companion. Grani obliged him by abruptly vaporizing, changing from solid metal into a swirling cloud of bright red bits of data, which instantly swarmed onto Gallantmon's body, covering his white armor in red. "Gallantmon Mode Change to…"

There was a flash of light as the data merged with his form, transforming Gallantmon into a valiant figure clad in light crimson and gold armor, ten feathery wings of light growing from his back. His grieves and kneeplates were rather large, as if to satisfy abnormally large feet clad in thick boots. A pair of giant pauldrons covered his upper arms and shoulders, red and bulging outward with gold edges and blue crystal spheres in gold settings at their centers. Crystal spheres in gold settings were also placed on his hips, and a special one with the Hazard symbol imbedded in it sat on the red plates of his armored torso. His helmet looked much the same as it had as plain Gallantmon, except the winged reptile crest on his helmet had grown, the wings becoming longer with a curving dorsal spike extending over the top of his head, a long, thin white streamer trailing down his back from its tip. In both hands he held weapons made of light, in his right the double-headed spear Gungnir, and in his left the energy sword Blutgang. "Crimson Mode!"

Mushuzilla's eyes bulged and his mouth dropped in disbelief as Gallantmon floated down to eye level, radiating light from his wings. "You have troubled the Royal Knights and this…not-so-fair city for far too long, monster! In Gallantmon Crimson Mode, you meet your end!" He charged the red dragon, shouting a battle cry. Mushuzilla shook himself from his stunned awe, roared angrily and breathed fire at Gallantmon, officially starting their battle.

Agumon and Gabumon watched the resulting struggle for a moment, then sighed and turned away. "Well, looks like he has everything under control. Guess we'd better start looking for that sword," said Agumon.

"Indeed," agreed Gabumon with a nod.

There was a pause. They looked off the side of the building, at the ground that seemed very far below. "How're we gonna get down from here?" Agumon asked.

"I have no idea," Gabumon confessed.

Agumon groaned. "Figures."

…

The joint Heartless/Nobody fleets Maleficent had dispatched after Jadis' and the Horned King's deaths the night before to destroy the worlds of Prydain and Narnia were having a spot of trouble in their mission. Prydain had fallen easily, almost pathetically so, before the combined firepower of the fleets' battleships. It had only taken a few rounds of orbital bombardment to render the planet to a burning, dead wasteland, and the Heartless had warped down to slaughter and consume the hearts of any remaining life-forms before eating the heart of the world and causing Prydain to vanish into the darkness.

The battle in Narnia, on the other hand, wasn't going quite so well. When the White Witch had died, flinging herself out of a castle window, the hundred-year winter that had held the land in its icy grip for a century had melted away almost instantly, much to the surprise of the army of animals and magical creatures the godly lion Aslan had gathered to fight the witch in a requisite Final Battle. They had rejoiced at first, thinking that Narnia was theirs once again, until the Heartless and their Nobody allies invaded.

Fortunately for the Narnians, the army they had formed for the Final Battle had not yet disbanded or left camp, so they were able to ride into battle against the invaders. Normally the Heartless wouldn't have had a problem with such a pathetically small army as the ones the Narnians possessed, especially after they had consumed the confused and leaderless remnants of Jadis' forces, but the great lion Aslan complicated matters. His very presence seemed to inspire the animal warriors to greater feats of courage and valor, suffusing them with his magic and presence to make them more capable fighters despite their rather telling lack of experience at warfare. Not only that, but the lion himself was an incredibly formidable foe, all he had to do was roar to make some of the heaviest hitters the Heartless and Nobodies had with them disintegrate, and he seemed to radiate such Light that it was all the darklings could do not to flee in instinctive terror. But Maleficent had trained them gruelingly so they would not succumb to such primordial fears, and so they persevered. After all, even if the Narnians did have Aslan on their side, the Heartless and Nobodies had nearly limitless warriors and reinforcements to back them up, so surely they would eventually be able to overwhelm the lion and his army with their sheer numbers, right?

It would have helped if they could get more direct backup from the ships in orbit. Aslan had done something to the world's barriers to make it nearly impossible for their soldiers to get through using dark corridors, and nothing their warship's cannons fired seemed to have any effect on the planetary shields. On the plus side, there were so many of them packed in the ships in orbit that even with Aslan making portalling tricky, there were _still_ so many coming through that they would eventually overwhelm the Narnians. Probably.

Unfortunately, everything changed when Oberon, giant, his skin glowing, appeared abruptly out of nowhere, looming over the battlefield and causing all the fighting to stop as everyone stared in confusion and surprise at this new intruder. "Hmm, there seems to be _plenty_ of magic here," commented Oberon. "Not quite as much as I had hoped for, but still, quite a lot."

"Oberon!" snarled Aslan, standing atop a high hill overlooking the battle. "What are you doing here?! You swore never to set foot in my land again!"

"Ah, but I'm not," Oberon said, pointing at his feet. "See? I'm floating; I'm not actually touching the ground."

Aslan grudgingly had to admit that this was true; the Fae lord was hovering a few feet off the ground, and so technically hadn't broken his vow. "Very well. Why have you come here? We are in the middle of a battle to decide the fate of Narnia!"

"I don't really care about any of that," Oberon said dismissively. "I'm here for one reason and one reason only: to absorb your magic and that of all the rest of Narnia as well!"

Aslan's army gasped in horror. The Heartless twitched their antenna (those that had antenna anyway) and wondered whether they could devour everyone's hearts once Oberon had stolen their magic, he didn't seem to even notice they were there. The Nobodies started dancing and swimming in the air for no reason. That was Nobodies for you.

Peter Pevensie, a young boy from another world who was apparently supposed to become the future High King of Narnia, spurred his horse forward so that he could be seen on a nearby promontory, raising his sword and pointing it at Oberon. "We'll never let you have our magic, Oberon! The White Witch is dead, and Narnia is ours, we shall fight and we shall die to keep it from being-"

"Shut up, boy, your elders are talking," Oberon said, not even glancing at Peter as he cast a spell which knocked the boy off his horse and caused him to fall to the ground as a portal to a horrible hellish other dimension (not Hell, but hell_ish_) opened up inside him, turning him inside out and spilling blood and organs everywhere as ungodly monsters that should not see the light of day reached through the portal to drain his bones of marrow, consume his brain and intestines, and drag his soul screaming into an eternity of torment and suffering. The Narnians gasped and cried out in horror. Aslan looked stunned. The Heartless had gotten bored and started doing the Riverdance with the Nobodies.

Peter's siblings, Edmund, Susan and Lucy screamed and rushed over to his violated corpse, collapsing on their knees around him and bursting into tears. Lucy desperately tried using her magic salve which could mend any wound on the inverted corpse that had once been her brother, but naturally, since he was dead, it didn't really do any good. Aslan hung his head in shame, a single tear running down his hairy cheek and falling to the ground, a flower blossoming where it landed. Oberon shook his head. "Really, Aslan, what were you thinking, letting humans into Narnia? You know they only ruin everything, hunting and killing the animals to make clothing, food, or things to hang on the wall, chopping down trees, polluting the environment, filling the air with their horrible odor and music, etc. I thought you knew better." He spoke calmly and evenly, as if he had not just horribly murdered a human child who had spoken against him. To Oberon, Peter had been practically beneath his notice; he might not have done anything at all to the child if the boy had not been foolish enough to speak to him. "But if you _really_ needed him for something, I wouldn't fret too much. I'm sure it'll be easy enough to get a replacement if you just wait long enough. You know how humans breed; they churn out new ones like rabbits every few months. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if those children there produced over a dozen babies between them before the year is out." He did not seem to particularly care that the children in question were fairly young and siblings. To an ageless being like him, it seemed as the brief span of mortal existence consisted of little more than eating, fucking, reproducing, killing, and dying.

That was the last straw for Aslan. The mighty lion slowly turned his shaggy head away from the mourning Pevensies, fixing his great golden eyes on the Fae lord, his fangs bared in fury. "OBEROOOOOON!" he roared, dashing forward and leaping off the hill, instantly enlarging to a gigantic size as he lunged at the blue elf.

Oberon wasn't frightened in the slightest. "Ixtala!" he invoked, causing the green light to burst forth from within him, spreading out to cover the entire battlefield and all of Narnia beyond, and even the surrounding countries and ocean as well. "Your power may be great; Aslan, but not even you can defeat the magic of Ix!" Aslan snarled in anger and defiance, struggling against the green light which was inexorably drawing him towards Oberon. But it seemed as if the Fae's boast was truth, and soon enough he, as well as every magical creature on the battlefield, throughout Narnia, and in the rest of the world, were all ensnared by the light and absorbed into Oberon's body. Even the Heartless and Nobodies, struggle as they did, were caught up in the magical suction, and became a part of Oberon as well.

When the light faded, Narnia had become a much more dismal place. The color had gone out of the land, the sun had stopped shining, and all the magical creatures were gone, leaving a motley bunch of animals and three human children surrounding a grotesque dead body, the magical gifts that Santa Clause himself had given them no longer with them. The remaining animals had never been magical, but had been granted intelligence by Aslan and the land itself, but now that Aslan and the magic were gone, so was their sentience. As a result, they were now nothing more than a group of wild beasts of opposing species that immediately began to set upon each other, killing and devouring one another out of hunger and instinct, any pretense they might have once had to civilization gone forever. The Pevensies had not originally been of Narnia, and so they were affected a little differently by the loss of magic than the other creatures of this land, since the world they had come from had little if any magic to begin with. They were aware that something great and wonderful had been lost, and might never return, and they wept, as Lucy hugged Edmund and Susan cradled the disgustingly twisted form of her brother, blood and other things staining her dress. Oberon felt a brief moment of uncharacteristic pity, and so ended the suffering of the Pevensie siblings by snuffing out their lives with a thought. With that taken care of, Oberon examined himself to see how his latest acquisition had changed him. He felt even greater power swelling within him, and it had turned his hair into a mane of beautiful silky gold, much as it had once been countless eons ago in his youth, and caused his teeth to sharpen into fangs. "What power," he whispered softly to himself, examining his nails and seeing that they had sharpened a bit as well. "With magic such as this, I will surely crush-" He paused in mid-sentence, sensing something strange. "Wait, what's that?"

'That' would be the barrage of turbolasers, ion cannons, bolts of darkness, antimatter bursts, fusion blasts, and mega-nuclear missiles shooting down through the atmosphere towards Narnia, which was no longer protected by a world barrier since all the magic had been taken from the land. Oberon's eyes widened in horror. "Oh sh-"

BAROOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!

The explosion caused by so much firepower being focused at a single spot from orbit was so great that it totally wiped Narnia off the face of the planet, created a gaping chasm three hundred miles wide that went two-thirds of the way to the center of the world, and caused incredible seismic upheavals and volcanic eruptions and floods which wiped out almost all remaining life on the planet. It also knocked the planet off its axis and drastically changed its orbit, dooming it to move on a steady spiral towards the center of the solar system until it either collided with another planet or fell into the sun. And unfortunately, despite all that, it had failed to kill Oberon.

"Damn!" Satan cursed from outer space, looking annoyed. "Oh well, at least we nuked Narnia out of existence. That's one thing to check off my to-do list, somewhere after 'dominating the universe' and before 'eating a hoagie so big not even God could eat it.'" He patted the hull of one of the battleships he had just ordered to open fire on the planet below. "Well, thanks for the help, boys, I'll take it from here. Go on, head back to the 'hood, the homies there could probably use your help. If they aren't already finished, that is." The Heartless and Nobody fleets acknowledged his order and vanished into dark interspace corridors, heading back to home base on Dark City. Satan sighed and smacked two fists into two palms using all four arms. "Well, looks like it's still up to me to take down this crazy mofo. Wonder where he's headed now?" He paused a moment, tracking Oberon's teleportation signature. He whistled in surprise when he triangulated it. "Well, shave my afro and color me an angel! He's heading _there?_ Wow, really gutsy, isn't he? Well, if he thinks that's gonna scare me off, than he oughta think again! There ain't nothing he can throw at me that'll scare the main man!" He vanished in a burst of darkness and flame.

…

Back in Dark City, Emperor Zurg was locked in combat with the wicked Crickettor. The giant cricket was lashing out at Zurg's monstrous Zurgrex with its barbed limbs, tearing gashes into the warmech's metal hull and causing sparks to fly everywhere with every kick and punch. "Oh no, you don't! I just had this thing polished for its christening battle with Buzz Lightyear! I may have to waste this thing's first real fight on you, but don't think that means you get to wreck it! I spent far too much on this mecha to let it be destroyed by an insect like you!" Zurg growled angrily.

The next time one of Crickettor's long multi-hinged arms shot out, the Zurgrex stepped to the side with surprising speed, grabbed the arm in its large talons, and yanked on it with incredible strength, wrenching it backwards on its joint and causing Crickettor to shriek in pain and frantically kick at the robot with one of its legs while trying to strike Zurgrex with its other arm on that side of the monster's body. Ignoring these attacks, for Zurg had intentionally moved his robot to alongside and a bit behind Crickettor's body, where it would be more difficult for the giant monster to hit him, he continued pulling back on the monster's bent limb…

And finally, with great gusto, managed to tear it off at the joint, causing Crickettor to squeal in agony and skitter away on its many limbs, green ooze dripping from the stump of the arm that had just been dismembered. Zurg chuckled and clutched the broken limb he was still holding in both hands like a staff. "Well, are you just going to run away, bug? You're not going to come over here and let me pull off your other legs? Or are you just going to sing a song about wishing on a star?"

Crickettor did neither. Instead, he opened his mandibles and spat a glob of green mucus at Zurgrex. Surprised, the robot quickly held up the broken arm before it in an attempt to protect itself from the glob. This turned out to be a good move, since the instant the glob hit the severed arm it started hissing nastily, generating fumes as it ate through the middle of the limb and pretty much split it in two. Zurg groaned. "Acid spit. Of _course _it has acid spit." Crickettor shrieked again and then hocked up another glob of acid spit. Energy beams zapped out of Zurgrex's eyes, striking the acid glob and evaporating it instantly. "Fortunately for me, I have laser vision!" He fired another blast of lasers at the giant insect.

Crickettor uncoiled his long legs and sprung into the air before Zurg could hit him, and then started bouncing around their makeshift arena like…well, like a mutated giant cricket. Which he was. Unfortunately, unlike most crickets Crickettor could unleash energy shockwaves when he hit the ground and sprung off again, and since due to a design flaw the Zurgrex couldn't really jump very high, the robot found itself getting buffeted by waves from all sides. "Ugh! Raaahhh!" Zurg cried out as his cockpit shook and tumbled about, sparks shooting all over the place. "Grr…cursed bug! I must remember to install pesticide in this thing! Oh well, I still have something else that should work…a typical lightning attack!" Cackling, he pressed a few buttons that caused the Zurgrex's skin to electrify itself, static bolts dancing across its metal hide before gathering together to fire a burst of lightning which struck Crickettor in mid-leap, causing him to crash to the ground, squealing and convulsing wildly as electricity coursed through his form, his hat falling off and rolling to the side.

Laughing evilly, Zurg stomped over, twirling the two broken halves of severed arm he was holding. Planting a foot on Crickettor's thorax and another foot on several of his flailing limbs to stop some of his wriggling, Zurg raised one arm up into the air, and then drove it downward; thrusting the half of broken arm he was holding through Crickettor's side. The limb was barbed and stiffened due to rigor mortis, so it was more than capable of doing this, as the mutant monster's agonized shrieks attested to.

Zurg laughed again and raised his other arm, planning to drive it through the insect's giant compound eyes…then frowned, recalling he was supposed to just knock out the cricket, not kill it. As he wondered for a moment what part of the insect's body he could drive his weapon into without fatally wounding it, and whether or not anyone in particular would really miss an annoyance like Jiminy Cricket, the wounded, incapacitated insect managed to lift his head up and spit acid at the Zurgrex.

Zurg cursed as the acid glob struck his robot's chest, nearly knocking it off Crickettor and eating away at the giant embossed metal Z he had put on the Zurgrex to let everyone know it belonged to him. "What! How dare you, you insignificant-" Enraged, forgetting himself, he brought the broken limb down hard, hitting Crickettor on the head so hard that the arm snapped, caving part of the insect's skull (not that it had a skull, being a bug) in. The giant cricket started shaking madly, but there was no consciousness behind it, just instinct. In mere moments, the monster issued what sounded an awful lot like a death rattle and fell silent, still twitching a little out of muscle reflex.

Zurg cackled triumphantly…until he remembered once again that he wasn't supposed to have done that. "Uh oh." He glanced anxiously at one of the Hyper-Hornets in the cockpit with him. "You don't suppose anyone will miss that thing, will you?"

The Hyper-Hornet seemed to think about that for a moment. "Destroy Buzz Lightyear!" the robot replied cheerfully.

Zurg's eye twitched. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Really got to get around to reprogramming you things." He sighed in relief when he suddenly saw Crickettor glow and start shrinking, reverting from a giant monster to the incredibly tiny Jiminy Cricket. "Oh, good, he's not dead; I guess that last hit just knocked him out. Excellent! I'll just go now and let someone else pick him up. I'd do it myself, but the Zurgrex's claws would probably squish him by accident, I don't feel like getting out, and I can't send you idiots because you'd probably step on him by accident."

"All hail Zurg!" another Hyper-Hornet said helpfully.

"Exactly." The robot stomped off, its work complete. Then it came back, picked up Crickettor's top hat (still very big, it hadn't reverted with Jiminy), and put it on top of its head, because Zurg thought it made his robot look distinguished.

At the same time Zurg and his Zurgrex were fighting Jiminy Cricket, the Trade Federation's robot hero, Moogletron, was holding its own against the mutated crustacean, Destroyah. The monster crab was shrieking and hissing and lashing out at the robot with its pincers and the barbed limbs on its back, but Moogletron was faster, able to block the blows with its arms, rolling out of the way of powerful strikes, and able to dart in to deliver a powerful punch to the crustacean's ugly face whenever its guard was down. Unfortunately, due to the monster's thick carapace, it didn't seem as if their attacks were really doing much damage. "Kupo! We're going to need to do better than this if we're gonna take this thing down!" Mog said. "Moomba Head attack!"

"Rally-ho!" cried Ivan Robotfighter.

"Kwehkweh!" squawked Boco.

"Kupo!" agreed Mene.

The Moogletron pointed its arms towards Destroyah and launched the Moomba heads it was using as hands off of its wrists, the two heads flying forward and slamming into the crustacean with a double-fisted rocket punch. Destroyah scrambled backwards, looking a bit stunned from the blow, hissing and trying to regain purchase on the ground with its many limbs. Angrily, Destroyah spat an explosive spray of micro-oxygen at Moogletron, but the robot expertly rolled to the side, and the spray blew up on the ground beside it. The robot got back up to its feet as the Moomba heads reattached themselves to its wrists, completing it once more. "He seemed to be able to feel that! Let's try a Mach Kick!" Mog announced.

"Uaaaooooaaauuuoooo!" ("Full throttle!") bellowed Umaro.

"…" said Frailea.

Moogletron leaped into the air and came shooting towards Destroyah with a flying kick. When it reached Destroyah, it thrusted its feet forward repeatedly in a series of high-speed blows almost faster than the eye could see, pushing the wailing crustacean backwards, limbs flailing. As Moogletron leaped off, finished with the Mach Kick technique, Destroyah quickly used this chance to fire a burst of explosive micro-oxygen spray at the robot, striking it while it was at close rang and still nearby so it couldn't get out of the way in time. The spray struck Moogletron and exploded, sending the robot flying backwards, its operators wailing in alarm, until it hit the ground and lay on its back, stunned.

Destroyah snapped its pincers gleefully and scurried over on its many legs, raising its barbed back limbs high into the air, intending to skewer the robot on their ends. When Destroyah reached the prone Moogletron, it brought its limbs shooting down, aimed straight for the robot's chest…

Only for Moogletron to suddenly roll out of the way just in time, causing the barbed limbs to instead bury themselves in the street the robot had been lying on and get stuck. "Ha! You'll have to try harder than that to defeat us, kupo!" Mog jeered as Moogletron got back up. "Now, fire Sparkly Moogle Beambeam!"

The antenna on top of Moogletron's head bobbed forward, glowing radiantly as it gathered power. A ridiculously large multicolored energy beam with sparkles flowing off its sides fired from the pompom at the antenna's end and streaked through the air right towards Destroyah. The trapped crustacean's eyes bulged in horror, an "Oh shit," expression barely visible on its mutated features, right before the energy beam slammed into it and sent the crab flying, its imbedded limbs getting ripped off at the elbow joints from the force of the blast and remaining behind as the beam carried Destroyah several blocks away, smashing it through several buildings and streets before finally dissipating. The crustacean lay at the end of a long trail of devastation, cradled in a hollow made up of several collapsed buildings, moaning in pain as liquid seeped from large cracks in its shell.

"Okay team, let's hit him while he's down, kupo!" Mog said. Moogletron ran towards Destroyah, ripping out the two severed limbs stuck in the street as it went and wielding them in its Moomba-head jaws. Seeing the robot coming, the wounded Destroyah managed to stagger to its many feet and spit another spray of micro-oxygen at its enemy. Moogletron leaped over the explosive burst, doing a somersault as it soared over Destroyah and landed behind it, spinning around and driving the barbed limbs into the mutant crustacean's back, not far from where they had been torn off in the first place.

Destroyah shrieked in agony, lurching forward and convulsing painfully before collapsing to the ground, more cracks forming in its shell. However, the monster was not out yet, and was still able to defiantly snap his pincers at Moogletron and spit micro-oxygen at it. "I think it's about time we cooked this wee lobster, lads!" Ivan commented.

"Kupo, but we're not supposed to kill him, just knock him out!" Mene pointed out.

"Don't worry, kupo, that's just what we're going to do! We'll use the Super-Cool Move that Always Wins the Fight!" Mog assured him.

"Kwehkweh?" squawked Boco.

"Aye, it's perfect! That bonnie Super-Cool Move that Always Wins the Fight never fails to win the fight!" Ivan agreed.

"…" said Frailea.

"Uhhhuhhuaaaaoooouuuuaaa," ("I have fleas.") moaned Umaro.

Moogletron raised its right hand into the air. A lightning bolt shot down from the heavens and landed in the Moomba-head's jaws, transforming with a flash of light into a giant gleaming sword. "Go, Super-Cool Move that Always Wins the Fight, kupo!" Mog cried out.

Moogletron grabbed the long hilt of the sword in both hands, then leaped into the air, raising the blade over its head as the robot descended towards the pathetically flailing Destroyah, who had managed to get back to its many feet just in time to get hit full on by Moogletron's attack. Moogletron landed before the beast and struck Destroyah four times with its sword, chopping through the crustacean's hard armor and slicing a giant stylized M into the mutant crab's chest. Moogletron turned around and posed dramatically as Destroyah stared down in disbelief at the M carved into its chest. Then its eyes rolled back in its head and it toppled over backwards, an explosion rising from its body as it hit the ground, backlighting Moogletron's stylish pose. "Kupooooooooooo!"

"I thought you said we weren't going to kill it, kupo" said a confused Mene.

"…Ah. Well…I'm sure he's all right, kupo!" Mog said uncertainly.

"Kwehkwehkwehkweh!" Boco squawked angrily.

"Uaaaaaoooohhhhh!" ("What he said!") added Umaro.

"…" said Frailea.

Mog's antenna drooped. "Kupo!" he cried anxiously.

"Rally-ho, hold it lads! Mog's right! Look, the blighter's still breathing!" Ivan cried out.

Moogletron turned around as the flames from the explosion burnt themselves out, revealing a charred mutated crustacean form lying on the ground. A charred mutated crustacean form that was _moving,_ cracks forming on its shell as if something inside of it was struggling to get out.

"Kweh?" said a puzzled Boco, tilting his head in puzzlement.

"Boco's right, kupo, that doesn't look good at all! This reminds me of one of those safety videos about alien parasites they showed us in training, kupo!" said an alarmed Mene.

"…" asked Frailea.

"You know, the one where the alien monster bursts out of that poor Moogle's chest, spraying blood and fur everywhere and-" Mene started to explain, when suddenly Destroyah's chest shattered, fluids and pieces of shell flying everywhere as a nightmarish figure emerged from the crustacean's chest, dripping with goo, the rest of the monster's body collapsing on itself as the hideous creature left its hollow carapace behind. "KUPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mene screamed, terrified.

"KWEHKWEHKWEHKWEHKWEH!" shrieked Boco, partly out of fright and partly because Mene was holding his neck a little too tightly in his terror.

"…" screamed Frailea.

"UUUUAAAAOOOOAAUUUAAAOOOAUAUUAUOOO!" (Oh no. Another monster.) Umaro howled in panic, thrashing his arms about and damaging the sides of his cockpit.

"Sweet Mother of Jebus McSavior!" cried Ivan, making a religious sign with his fingers.

"…Oh, kupo," Mog groaned.

It was clear that Moogletron's devastating finishing move had triggered some strange and gruesome metamorphosis in the monster Destroyah, once called Sebastian. Like a regular crab, the beast had molted from its old skin, becoming bigger and stronger and more terrible than before. The goo covering the creature's body dripped off and evaporated, while its skin, initially soft due to the molting process, quickly hardened, allowing the pilots of Moogletron to get a look at their new foe.

Little if any of the beast resembled the small crab and royal attendant it had once been. Destroyah had become a towering bipedal one hundred meter-tall monster, its immense form at least a head taller than Moogletron itself. Its body was covered in hardened red armor with pinkish flesh in between the plates, many spikes sprouting from the knees of its thick legs and shoulders. Its arms were rather small in comparison to its thick legs, each of which had five toes on their giant feet (though for some reason two per foot grew out from the skin above the other three, nowhere near the ground) with a sixth growing from the rear. The arms ended in small but sharp three-clawed talons, rather than pincers as one might expect. A long segmented tail ending in a claw-shaped formation grew out from the monster's rear. Four bat-like wings, one pair immense with a smaller pair growing out to the sides beneath them, sprouted from the monster's back, though it was doubtful they could carry something of such great size. Its torso was made up of a number of wedge-shaped red armor plates coming together to form a rough circle, with white tips on the plates making up a pale core. It almost looked like a circular mouth with very large fangs. The monster's head jutted out on a long neck, with a pair of wing-like armored plates extending from the sides and a long sharp horn jutting from the forehead above yellow eyes and a nearly reptilian maw. It seemed as if Destroyah had transformed from a mere giant hideous crab-thing to some sort of armored, nearly crustacean dragon!

"Kupopo! What do we do now? It looks way meaner than before!" Mene wailed, nearly choking Boco with his iron-hard grip around the Chocobo's neck.

"We fight, kupo!" Mog said determinedly. "We're Team Moogletron of the Trade Federation! We've fought tons of horrible monsters, kupo, we're not gonna let a big ugly dragon-thing scare us off, right?"

"R-right!" the others said, calming down as they heard their leader's words.

"Rally-ho, he's right, lads! Let's cook this thing for our supper!" Ivan Robotfighter declared.

"Uuuhhhaaaaaahhhhoooouuuu," (I'm hungry,) said Umaro.

"…!" Frailea cried bravely.

"Let's give it all we've got, kupo! We're Team Moogletron, and we're not gonna lose!"

Destroyah roared intimidatingly at the slightly smaller robot. Moogletron defiantly brandished its sword in both hands and glared at the monster fiercely through its slit eyes, antenna bobbing down in front of its face. "KUPOOOOO!" it bellowed in a fearsome battle cry that had never failed to strike fear in the hearts of the enemies of the Trade Federation as it charged towards the armored dragon, swinging its sword in readiness for what might be one of its greatest battles yet.

…

Disney Castle was, as you would expect, a castle. A big castle. A _very_ big castle, with white stone and metal walls and lots of towers with blue peaks tipped with red pennants. The castle itself, of course, wasn't all there was to the throneworld of the Disney Kingdom. It was merely called 'Disney Castle' due to its most prominent feature, the giant castle the size of a major metropolitan city (if not larger) which served as the capital and hub of all governmental, commercial, religious, and militaristic functions for the entire kingdom.

Sprawling for miles outside the castle walls were satellite cities and villages made up of much smaller buildings, skyscrapers, and other castles, all of which were dwarfed by the unbelievably immense Disney Castle in the near distance, which was so big it could be clearly seen from orbit. In fact, its tallest tower was so high that it almost left the planet's atmosphere, which was part of the reason the castle itself was so huge and spread out across the land, so as to support the many tall towers and keep them all from falling down in case of an earthquake. Of course, it also had very strong foundations stretching deep into the earth for that purpose, but you can never be too careful when it comes to shielding a structure from natural disasters.

The castle was home to the largest concentration of people on the planet, supplied with food and other resources from the many cities, villages, and farms scattered all over the place, though the castle itself had vast storehouses, factories, and agricultural facilities, so it could probably support itself for a decade or two in case of emergencies. In addition, the castle also housed the finest academy in the entire Kingdom; an interstellar port to receive visitors and dispatch Gummi ships to the Kingdom's many worlds and far-flung allies; hotels, a movie studio, a giant shopping center, an amusement park, a bowling alley, an open-air stadium with a retractable dome seating millions that could be converted to play just about any sport imaginable, museums, a river flowing underneath it and powering an environment-friendly hydroelectric energy plant, police stations, high-tech research centers, and…well, just about anything else you can imagine. It was a capital city contained within a castle's walls, a castle-city even greater than that of Lindblum on distant Gaia. Airships and blimps flew all over the place, ferrying citizens, tourists, and workers from level to level and place to place in the incredible structure.

It had originally been conceived of decades ago, at the tail end of the 'Monochromatic' period in the world's history. Back then the inhabitants of the world had been simple black-and-white anthropomorphic creatures that almost looked as if they had been conceived of by some strange cartoonist from the early days of film, with little realism to them and rather exaggerated features. They had lived fulfilling, though repetitive, lives, never really aspiring to anything greater or wondering if there was life elsewhere in the universe, or even such a thing as color beyond the black, white, and shades of gray they already possessed.

And then a strange being appeared as if from nowhere, a creature heretofore unseen and unknown in the land…a being called a 'human.' The inhabitants were frightened and confused by this strange being's arrival, and what implications it might mean for their way of life and their very world, for he was clearly from nowhere on their small black-and-white globe.

He had washed ashore one day on the beach, his health poor and very close to death, and was fortunately discovered by a young mouse who worked as a hand on Big Pete's steamboat. The man was nursed back to health by the people of the nearest town, despite their trepidation at seeing such a strange and unfamiliar creature, and was soon alive and well again. He could remember little of his past or where he had come from, other than the certainty that his name was Walt Disney and that he had a violent disliking for cigarettes, accompanied by a rather vague feeing that they might have contributed to his death in another place and time. For a time after he had recovered, he lived as the other strange animal-like creatures (many of whom he thought were oddly familiar) did, but became dissatisfied with their rather bland and unchanging way of life, and decided something had to change so that the people of the world he had found himself on could achieve their full potential and create a great civilization...one with more colors, preferably.

Using a strange recurring dream for a guide, he drew out the blueprints for one of the most incredible architectural endeavors ever attempted on that or any other world, the plans for what would in time become Disney Castle. It wasn't easy, but he managed to convince all the peoples of the world to work together to create this castle, as a symbol of their unity and their dedication to a new future. Using a strange mystical artifact called the Cornerstone of Light, which the construction crew discovered by chance while scouting for the right place to begin building Disney's masterpiece, as a foundation of sorts, work on the castle began and was completed many years later.

Walt Disney, sad to say, did not live to see his creation used as he had intended. He discovered belatedly that his lifespan was much shorter than those of the rest of the people on that world, and so died of old age not long after construction on the castle had been completed. A grand tomb was erected for him on the castle grounds, and a great funeral was held in his name, but he was actually buried in secret in the Hall of the Cornerstone beneath the throne room per his last will and testament, where they had placed the strange spherical object after realizing that building foundations worked better if they were square instead of round. His body was still there to this day, beneath the floor surrounding the Cornerstone's pedestal.

The moment Disney's coffin had been laid to rest in the Hall, something amazing happened. The Cornerstone emitted a pulse, a strange energy wave which washed over the land, causing a strange transformation to take place in the world and all its people. Color came into their lives for the first time, and their bodies became more developed and less simplistic, as if the hypothetical cosmic cartoonist that had originally conceived of them had improved his style and learned a better technique for animation. Development occurred in their minds as well, allowing them to process and conceive of concepts and ideas that they had never really thought about before. Art and science flourished as a result. This advancement of thought and culture led to the construction of a new civilization the likes of which their world had never seen before, centered around the great castle, named after the man that had designed it, and based on the tenets of life they had learned from Walt Disney, leading to a rather peaceful and overall prosperous existence.

One of the few real stumbling blocks was the problem of who was to lead this new world. Eventually, they decided to stick Mickey Mouse with the job, since he had been the one to discover Walt in the first place and had been closest to him while the human had lived among them. Mickey was naturally uneasy about the whole thing, since he had never been a leader of anything before, and turned down the job since he didn't think he was ready. Well, actually, it would be more accurate to say he ran away screaming when he heard the news, rather than politely turning down the job. But after being trained and educated by Yen Sid and a bunch of other people, as well as receiving his Keyblade and going on a number of self-defining adventures on other worlds, he returned to the Castle and removed his old rival Mortimer, a rather smarmy and dislikable rodent who had made himself leader in Mickey's absence, from the throne. Mickey then assumed his rightful place as ruler of the Disney Kingdom, establishing a beneficial system of government to care for the needs of all his people…and naturally granting a few cushy jobs to some of his closest friends. With the advice of Merlin, whom Mickey had liberated on one of his adventures, the mouse king did a fairly good job running things.

Then Pete tried to overthrow him to shut up his wife, Peg, who was dissatisfied with his status and income. And after that the Heartless became a threat and Mickey ran off to play hero for a few years. And just a little while ago King Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and a bunch of other bigwigs had gotten absorbed by Oberon, who had just now managed to teleport through Disney Castle's various shields and defenses due to having the King and Queen inside of him. He stood among the many towers, grudgingly impressed by how they were even taller than he was at the moment. He refused to acknowledge that the mortals who built it might have actually done a decent job, however, and instead concentrated on devouring this world's magic before Satan caught up to him again.

Ignoring the many alarm klaxons ringing everywhere, the way all the flying craft in the area quickly zoomed away from him, or how cannon turrets emerged from walls and heavily-armed soldiers marched out onto walkways, bridges, terraces, and balconies all around him, Oberon spread out his arms and called upon the power of Ix. "IXTALA!"

With that one word, and the following flash of green light, all the many advances and developments the people of Disney Castle had made since the kingdom was established were virtually undone. Oberon consumed every magical being and object in the world, including the Cornerstone of Light, taking with it all the land's magic and color. Every anthropomorphic or humanoid creature on the planet devolved back into the cruder and simplistic-looking designs and body structures they had possessed before the Age of Color had begun. The light of intellect dimmed from their eyes as their evolution reversed, leaving them a great deal stupider than they had been moments ago, and the breadth of their minds narrowed considerably. They no longer felt terror or confusion at the sight of the giant blue monster standing in the midst of their giant city, the only speck of color to be found in the entire world now, but just accepted things as they were. They no longer had any interest in bettering themselves or in living differently or more intelligently, every single one of them had degenerated into people with no ambition or plans for the future whatsoever.

In a way, it was a fate almost worse than death, for creatures such as these could not really be called alive. They were more akin to walking, breathing dead. (Though the actual walking dead might take offense at that, especially the ones in Halloweentown.)

"Oberon, you've just absorbed all the magic of at least a dozen worlds," Satan said as he appeared in a burst of flame and darkness. "So where are you going now? To Disneyworld, of course! Oh, wait, you're already here. Never mind." He cracked his knuckles. "So, ready to throw down again, dawg?"

"Not particularly," Oberon confessed, turning to face the devil, his skin glowing even more luminously due to his absorption of the Cornerstone. "You've proven so far that despite all the magic I've consumed so far, I'm still not powerful enough to defeat you. I doubt even the Cornerstone of Light would do much good, at least as long as you possess the power of Lucifer."

"Yeah, that sounds right," Satan said with a nod. He frowned and crossed his arms. "So, what, you're gonna just run away like a sissy, cowardly, yellow-streaked, bed-wetting girly-man?"

Oberon smirked. "Hardly, demon. Instead, I'm going to travel to the next world on my list, one even richer in magic than most of the others I've drained so far. I fully expect you to follow me…._unless…_"

Satan made a face. "Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna like where this is going?"

"Oh, but you might, actually. You see, I'm going to leave, and you'll be here all alone in Disney Castle, which is utterly defenseless and totally vulnerable now that I've drained all its magic. All alone in a citadel of order and reason which you have surely wanted to destroy for years, but have so far been unable to do so. What, I wonder, will you do once I have departed? Follow me, or fulfill one of your fondest desires?" Grinning triumphantly, he teleported away, leaving Satan all alone in Disney Castle.

Disney Castle, which he had plotted to destroy for decades.  
Disney Castle, which, when eradicated, would bring the universe one step closer to darkness and ruin.

Disney Castle, which he might never have another chance to destroy again, at least not for many years, if he didn't do it right then and there.

Sweat began to roll down the devil king's dark skin as he watched the people of Disney Castle listlessly walking about, not really doing anything, ignoring each other and the giant evil ruler looming over them. He started chewing his nails nervously, the bitten-off bits falling from his claws and crushing several civilians and rooftops below. "Aw man…if I chase after him, I get to beat him up some more and eventually kill him and rescue Babygirl. And those other guys, who I don't really care about. But then, when I _do_ kill him, Disney Castle's magic will come back, everything will go back to normal, and I won't be able to penetrate this place's defenses again to trash the joint, not without WAY too much effort on my part. That's why I've always been waiting for just the right moment to burn this place to the ground, rather than leading a full-fledged assault which is pretty sure to succeed, but'll cost me a ton in the long run.

"On the other hand, if I _do_ stay to destroy this place, something that's even higher on my 'to do' list than blowing up Narnia and a bunch of other hoods, that Smurf will get to drain even more magic before I catch up to him, which means I'm gonna have to use even more of my awesome nigh-infinite badass motherfucking power to kill him, which will also cost me a bit in the long run and may delay my other plans somewhat. But at least I'll have destroyed a bastion of goodness and decency and brought the universe that much closer to its ultimate downfall by my hand. Claw. Trident. Whatever." He groaned. "Ohhh, what's an embodiment of pure evil supposed to do, dawg?! Damn, that sucker's clever, for such a big pussy! Aw man, what'm I gonna do?!"

There were two puffs of smoke, and a miniature Satan appeared on each of the demon ruler's shoulders. One was wearing the priest robes he had worn when he had been the minister for Maleficent's wedding, the other wore Satan's usual outfit. Satan perked up when he saw t them. "Hey, little hallucinatory men! Lend me a hand here, what should Big Papa Satan do?"

"Destroy Disney Castle!" recommended the priest.

"Destroy Disney Castle!" encouraged the one that wasn't a priest.

Satan groaned and palmed his face. "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say." He thought for a moment, and then got a cunning look in his eye. "Okay, then tell me why I _shouldn't_ destroy Disney Castle!"

The two figments of Satan's imagination had to think about that for a moment. "Because Babygirl wanted to destroy Disney Castle, and she'll be pissed that you beat her to it, plus left her stuck in Oberon for a while longer while you went off to have fun?" offered the priest.

"Because it's no fun to kill people in mass numbers if they're too listless and uncaring due to the loss of magic and color to properly scream and run about in terror as you laugh malevolently, bringing forth their doom and condemning all their souls to a horrible fate?" added the one who wasn't a priest.

"Ah, good points, both of you. Thanks, little buddies!" He grabbed both the imaginary beings in his hands, stuffed them in his mouth, and ate them. They tasted like ice cream. "Okay Oberon, nice try, but you'll have to do better than that to outfox the main man!" He vanished in a burst of flame and darkness.

He reappeared a moment later and knocked over one of the castle's towers, giggling like a giddy child as it fell down and killed thousands of people, before vanishing again. He just couldn't help himself.

…

Power Rangers Radiant Force was giving King Leo everything they had. This was their first real battle against a giant monster, so they knew they had to do their absolute best…so far, though, they were failing spectacularly.

"Come…on….give already, you piece of shit!" Cid yelled angrily as the Radiant Megazord futilely punched and kicked repeatedly at the mutated Prince Richard's completely unbreakable barrier shield.

"Wahahahaha! It's no use, you can't defeat me!" King Leo taunted, hands on his hips, just standing there and not even flinching as the Megazord repeatedly tried to smash his face (or crotch) in, only to skid off his force field.

"Leon, this is lame. When can we have a try?" Yuffie complained from the sidelines, her Ninja Star Megazord sitting on top of a broken building, looking bored.

"Yeah, when it our turn?" Stitch demanded, his Magna Stitch Majiin occupying itself by picking its nose with its tongue.

"Not…just…yet!" Leon growled. "We…can…do this! We…will…be…better…than…_Sora!!!_"

"Leon, why are you talking like that?" asked Tifa.

Leon paused. "…That's not important. Cid, let's try hitting it with something stronger!"

Cid snorted. "Well, it's about time! Just sit back, youngster, let me show you what this thing's _really_ capable of!"

Leon blinked. "…'Youngster?' You're not _that_ old…"

The Radiant Megazord hopped back from King Leo and raised its right leg, pointing it at the leonine monster. Turbine engines popped out from the sides of the converted airship and pointed themselves at King Leo. "Hurricane Kick!" The turbofans in the engines started spinning at incredible speeds, generating hurricane-force gusts of wind which flew through the air and buffeted King Leo's barrier, ravaging the buildings around and behind him, tearing up the street in front of him…

And doing absolutely no damage to King Leo. He yawned. "What, that it? I appreciate the breeze, but is that _really_ all you can do?"

Cid cursed up a blue screak. "That $#! piece of &$&#!#, I'm gonna rip him a new !$#&-"

"Cid, stop it, Yuffie can hear you!" cried an appalled Tifa.

"Yes, I can! Thanks for the new curse words, old man!" Yuffie yelled from her cockpit, scribbling down the new vocabulary she had just learned.

Cid bristled. "Old man?! Who the hell are you calling old, you prepubescent jailbait piece of-"

"That's enough!" Leon shouted. "Let's just fight this thing already!"

"Allow me," Aerith purred seductively. "I'll have that barrier down in no time." The Megazord's head crackled with dark energy as Aerith summoned the powers granted to her by the Devil upon her resurrection, firing bolts of black lightning from the robot's eyes at the barrier, shrieking bats flying all over the place. The bolts of darkness struck King Leo's shield…

And glanced off, shooting right between a startled Yuffie and Stitch and striking a building, causing it to be engulfed in a cloud of pure darkness and get dragged down to the netherworld. "Hey, watch it!" Yuffie yelled angrily. "You almost hit us!"

"Ik meega aka patookie!" Stitch snarled in agreement.

"Inconceivable…my darkness failed?!" cried an incredulous Aerith. "This cannot be!"

"Yes it can," taunted King Leo. "Loser!"

"Master Satan, I have failed you!" sobbed Aerith, putting her hace in her hands in shame.

"Tron, can you send us any backup Zords or weapons to help us out here?" Tifa asked, calling their Command Center back in Radiant Garden.

"I'm afraid not, Tifa," Tron said apologetically. "All of the other Zords are either incompatible with your current configuration or are still being repaired after Yuffie wrecked them."

"Yuffie, when we get home, you are _so_ grounded!" Tifa scolded Yuffie.

"Grounded? Oh my goodness, whatever shall I do? It's not like I'm some ultra-stealthy ninja who cares nothing about the rules who could just sneak out and leave whenever she wanted or anything like that," Yuffie said sarcastically. Tifa sighed in exasperation.

"Additionally, even if I sent all the spare Zords to back you up, even with their combined power I don't think you would be able to break through that barrier. I can send you the Radiant Saber, though," Tron added. "Which I've calculated has a slightly higher chance of successfully piercing that shield. Would that help?"

"Well, we're supposed to save that sort of thing as a finishing move…" Leon admitted. "But I don't see us having much other choice. Send it down, Tron!"

"Right away!" Tron acknowledged.

A rainbow-colored warp tunnel appeared in the sky, extending towards the ground in several rings of light. A magnificent prismatic sword shot out of the tunnel and imbedded itself in the street near the Radiant Megazord, cracking the pavement. The Megazord walked over and pulled it out of the ground as the tunnel receded back to Radiant Garden and swung it through the air, colorful trails of light following its every motion. "Radiant Saber Power!" A colorful explosion appeared behind them for no reason.

"Where do those keep coming from?" Aerith wondered.

"Excess transmogrifying energy from the morphing grid which manifests itself in our plane of existence as a colorful explosion every time we utilize our Ranger powers, Zords, or anything related to them," Cid explained.

"Oh," said Aerith, having no idea what he had just said.

"Trans-what? Morphing whatsit? I have no idea what the heck you're talking about," Yuffie complained.

"That's because you're a frigging snot-nosed brat who doesn't pay attention to anything going on around her!" Cid snarled. "Now, let's go already and chop this thing's head off! And I'm not talking about the one on its shoulders, either!"

"Huh?" asked a confused King Leo. "What's he talking about? The one on my chest?"

"No, I'm talking about the one in-" Cid started, until Tifa punched him in the head and knocked him out.

"Yes, the one on your chest," she said quickly. "That one, and no other."

"Oh." King Leo blinked. "Well, ah, you can't get it! Because I'm, well, you know, invincible!"

"We'll see about that," Leon said confidently. "Megazord, rise into the skies!"

"Hey, that rhymed," Aerith said. "Did you know that in Hell one of the most prestigious and highest-ranking positions a demon can obtain is that of a Rhymer? They get to speak in nothing but rhymes, and drive everyone else crazy."

"I don't actually care," Leon said flatly, causing her to growl angrily.

The Radiant Megazord spread its wings and, with a mighty flap which knocked over some surrounding buildings, propelled itself into the air…despite the fact that it was made of incredibly heavy metal and the wings, though large, didn't look nearly powerful enough to lift it off the ground. "Whoa! It can fly?!" cried an amazed King Leo.

"Oh, that's nothing. My robot can fly too!" Yuffie claimed. She pulled off the star crest on her chest, reattached the sword blade on her back to give it a fourth point, then threw it to the ground and hopped on. Much like her giant shuriken, the big four-pointed star started spinning rapidly, levitating itself off the ground on a cushion of air while still supporting a stationary Yuffie's weight. "See? Isn't that pretty cool? I'm kind of low to the ground right now, but if I make this thing spin even faster I can get it to lift me higher on a column of pure wind!"

"Yeah, that is cool!" King Leo agreed.

Stitch snorted. "Meega can fly too!" Very large rocket engines sprouted from the back of the Magna Stitch Majiin. Giggling madly and rubbing two of his hands together, Stitch pushed a large red button inside his cockpit. The rocket rumbled, made loud noises akin to his stomach when he was hungry or had eaten some of Cid's cooking, and ignited with an incredible eardrum-shattering explosion which obliterated most of the nearby buildings and propelled Stitch into the air so fast he broke the sound barrier twice. "WEEHAHAHAHAHA!" he howled madly as he spun through the air leaving a trail of flaming exhaust, completely out of control, arcing overhead before abruptly hurtling back towards the ground. "Uh-oh. WAAAAAHHHHHH-" His screaming was cut off when the giant robot smashed into the pavement a few blocks away, leaving a deep crater in the surface of the planet and leveling all the nearest buildings with a large explosion. "Owie."

Yuffie laughed and nimbly flipped over on her spinning rotor platform, balancing herself upside-down on one finger. "Looks like you need to work some more on your flying, Stitch!"

As he extricated his robot's head from the ground, Stitch grumbled to himself that he could fly perfectly well, he just wasn't used to doing it in anything other than a spaceship or plane. King Leo sulked, crossing his arms and sticking out his bottom lip. "I wish _I_ could fly…" he complained.

High above them, the Radiant Megazord hovered in place, raising its sword into the air. "Prismatic Cleaver!" It shot down towards the ground, upraised sword trailing a rainbow, moving at nearly sonic speeds. As it approached King Leo, who was too busy watching Yuffie perform tricks on her shuriken to notice, the Megazord brought down its sword on the lion with a powerful chop…

Which didn't connect, since the lion's force field got in the way, and the shiny rainbow-hued sword shattered into a million pieces the moment it touched it. The Megazord stared at the broken sword in disbelief. King Leo stared at the broken sword in amazement. Yuffie stared at the broken sword while doing a handstand, not surprised. Stitch picked his ear, not paying attention. "No fucking way," Cid, who had recovered from Tifa's KO during the descent, said finally.

"How…how did he _do that?!"_ an incredulous Leon cried.

"Inconceivable…" murmured Aerith.

"Haha! I told you, I'm completely invincible!" King Leo boasted.

"Um, Tron…" Tifa said anxiously.

"That shouldn't have happened! It simply should not have! Do you have any idea what that sword was made of?! It's powerful enough to chop mountains in two!" cried the amazed computer program. "Well, then again, there was a forty-nine percent chance of failure…so I suppose it was always possible…"

"What do we do now?" Leon asked, feeling all his hopes and dreams of ever surpassing Sora receding from him.

Tron, not realizing it was a rhetorical question, answered the Red Ranger. "Well, if you could convince Stitch to help, you could try the Final Strike move. It _might_ be able to pierce the force field. I can't guarantee it, though, especially after the sword failed."

"It's worth a try. Hey, Stitch! Wanna lend us a hand?" Tifa called to the little blue alien.

"Naga!" Stitch yelled.

"What?! Why the hell not?!" Cid bellowed.

"Isn't 'Final Strike' the move that Cait Sith thought of after watching soccer?" Aerith asked.

"Oh yeah…_that_ move…" Leon murmured.

"Well, I guess that explains why Stitch wouldn't want to be part of it," Tifa admitted reluctantly.

"I don't give a shit! We're not gonna let that mangy furball get the best of us! Stitch, you're volunteering to help us take that thing out, whether you want to or not!" Cid hollered.

"NAGA!" Stitch bellowed, his giant robot turning and running away. But the Radiant Megazord chased after it, and since it was larger and had longer legs than the Magna Stitch Majiin, it rapidly caught up to the red robot, picked it up off the ground in both hands, and forcibly started compressing and folding the transformed battleship into a compact, though rather lumpy, red ball. Stitch naturally struggled through the entire process, but at Aerith's command black lightning bolts shot out from the Megazord's eyes, paralyzing the Stitch Majiin's servomotors and keeping it from putting up a fight. Cid and Aerith both laughed evilly.

"That wasn't very nice," Tifa protested.

"Yes, it was downright wicked! I'm impressed by your cruelty, mortal!" Aerith told Cid.

Cid chuckled. "Hey, thanks! Say, does that mean-"

All light seemed to vanish from the cockpit as the red eyes on Aerith's helmet burned with the fires of Hell. "My body belongs to Master Satan and no other man. You may not touch it, on pain of horrible agonizing death and eternal torment," she hissed in a distorted and malevolent voice to the Blue Ranger, who whimpered and cowered in the corner farthest from the demonic woman.

"Enough, both of you," Leon snapped. "Let's do this already."

"Leon, don't you think this was an awfully mean thing to do to Stitch, though?" Tifa protested.

"As long as it works, I really don't care," Leon said coldly, much to her shock. "Megazord, rise into the skies!...again."

The Radiant Megazord spread its wings and, once again, rose up into the skies. "What're they gonna do now?" King Leo asked Yuffie.

"Probably something guaranteed to fail," she promised him.

The Megazord flew higher and higher into the cloudless and sunless skies until it could barely see King Leo far below. Then, the giant robot tossed the compressed Stitch Majiin, still struggling and cursing despite the paralysis spell Aerith had cast on it, into the air. As it fell back down, the Megazord bopped it higher up with its head, twice. Then, as it came back down for a third time, the Megazord flipped upside down and swung its leg up at the Stitch-ball in slow motion. "Final Strike!" The Megazord's left foot hit the Magna Stitch Majiin with incredible force, shooting it down towards the ground in a move nowhere nearly as cool as Commander Jecht's unbelievably awesome giant robot-smashing Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III. It moved really fast though, leaving after-images as it hurtled straight for King Leo, who screamed in terror and wet himself at the sight of the incoming missile…

Which struck the King's force field with an impact so great that all of the buildings for twenty blocks crumbled into dust and pebbles, Yuffie actually lost her balance on her flying shuriken-rotor thing and hit the ground without gracefully catching herself, and many of the other fighting giant monsters and robots almost fell down as well. The force field didn't break, however. Instead, it bulged inward slightly from the Stitch Majiin ball slamming into it, then popped back out, ricocheting the robot ball back into the air with almost twice the force it had been kicked with in the first place, causing it to rip right through the chest of the descending Radiant Megazord and out its back as it continued upwards into the planet's atmosphere, reaching escape velocity and flying out into space (or the Realm of Darkness's equivalent of space) cursing so foully and vehemently that even Cid would have been impressed by his language, even if he didn't understand half of what the little blue alien was screaming.

Of course, Cid didn't really have time to be impressed at the moment, since the Radiant Megazord had just had a giant hole torn through it by the rebounding Magna Stitch Majiin, and was now coming apart at the seams. Literally. With a tremendous explosion, the separate robots making up the Megazord were blasted apart, their pilots screaming as they fell, burning and totally out of control, to the ground, hitting the broken streets hard enough to crater them and lying about in a generally broken and dead-looking pile of no longer quite so colorful machine parts. The Rangers, who had ejected from the Zords just before they hit the ground, had been forced to change back to normal due to the heavy damage they had taken…despite not actually fighting King Leo themselves and having remained virtually safe and sound inside a snug robot cockpit, other than that last minute where they were falling from the sky. Battered and beaten, they lay stretched out on the street near their wrecked vehicles, groaning and only barely conscious.

Yuffie's eyes widened. "G-guys?! Speak to me!" There was no response over the robot's communicator. The visor on her helmet retracted, revealing her eyes, which were trembling with fear. "Leon? Cid? Aerith? T-Tifa? Are…are any of you still alive? If so, say something already, dammit!" There was no reply. "No…" she whispered. She squeezed her eyes shut. A tear rolled down her cheek.

Then…

"Yuffie…cough we're all right…" Tifa's voice rasped over the communicator.

Yuffie's eyes flew open. "Tifa!" she cried. "You're alive!"

"All of us are," Tifa wheezed. "Just…a little out of shape. We'll be fine, but I don't think we'll be able to Ranger Up for a little while. Tron's working as fast as he can to finish repairing some of the backup Zords you wrecked and prepping the ones that are still intact to send over. Until then…it's all up to you, Yuffie."

Yuffie nodded fiercely. "Don't worry, Tifa, I've got it all under control! I'll take care of everything, don't you worry!"

"Give him hell, kid!" growled Cid.

"Yuffie…you can do it…" Leon said grudgingly.

"Make that feline's death slow and agonizing," Aerith told her.

Yuffie smirked. "I'll do it all! Just leave it to me, guys!" Her visor slipped back over her eyes and she turned the Ninja Star Megazord to face King Leo once more, picking up her shuriken rotor and putting it back on her chest and her back where it belonged. "Okay you asshole, because of you my friends are hurt, their Zords are totaled, and Stitch is somewhere lost in space! It's time for you to feel the wrath of Yuffie Kisaragi, the greatest ninja who ever lived!" The ninja robot posed dramatically.

"Uh, may I point out that technically I didn't do any of that stuff, they sorta did it to themselves by attacking me despite being shown several times how nothing they did could penetrate my force field? And if you had helped them out instead of just standing there and watching or showing off, they might not be in such a bad condition right about now?" King Leo said to her.

"…No, you may not point that out," Yuffie said. The Megazord made a series of complicated hand motions. "Bunshin no juutsu!" Her form blurred, and suddenly shot out to either side to completely encircle the startled King Leo, the ninja robot separating into eight clones which now surrounded the giant lion monster from all sides. "Hya!"

King Leo's eye bulged in alarm. "Wh-whoa!"

"That's…way too many Yuffies…" Cid muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.

One of the Ninja Star Megazords pulled the sword off her back and held it out before her in both hands. The other seven Megazords made a series of complex hand motions in unison. "Weapon summon juutsu!" There were seven puffs of smoke, and now each Yuffie robot clone was wielding a different weapon or pairs of weapons. One was holding a segmented collapsible sword that looked like a serpent. The robot next to her was holding a weapon that looked like a hammer shaped like a ram with a mace shaped like a turtle dangling by a chain from the top. A third was holding a four-bladed buzzsaw with a weird red face in the middle as well as a squid-shaped drill fastened over the barrels of a gatling laser cannon shaped like a laser. The robot beside that one was holding, of all things, a giant red square scarf with a four-pointed star embroidered on it. Even odder than that was the top shaped like a bee and the giant rubber stamp held by the next Megazord. The sixth clone was wearing a blaster shaped like a stingray on her left arm and holding a spider-shaped grappling hook in her right. The last clone had also pulled her sword off her back, but held it in only one hand, the other lifting a big red five-pointed star-shaped shield with yellow eyes, for some reason.

"Well, if that don't beat all…" murmured Cid.

"Wow," whispered Tifa.

"Mm," grunted Leon.

Aerith blinked. "Wait, if she can do things like this, why wasn't she absorbed by Oberon's Crystal of Ix? I was immune because I'm part-demon, but what's her excuse?"

The eight ninja robots raised their weapons threateningly, causing King Leo to yelp and cower, shivering with fright. "Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap…" he whimpered.

"PREPARE TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" the ninjas cried in stereo. "ULTIMATE NINJA POWER!" As one, they leapt at the lion. King Leo squealed and huddled low to the ground, eye clenched shut and hands covering his head.

There was a brilliant flash of light…

And then all eight ninjas were flung backwards by the reflected force of their own attacks, hitting the ground hard. Seven of the Megazords vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving only the true one, the one holding the sword in both hands—the sword which had broken upon striking King Leo's invincible force field—behind. "Ow…" she groaned.

The other four Rangers moaned in disappointment. "Well, looks like we're screwed. Nice knowing you all. Well, not really," Cid grunted.

"Pitiful. I expected more from her," Aerith sneered in disgust.

Tifa sighed sadly. "Oh, Yuffie…"

Leon pulled out his phone. "Tron, how much longer? We need those Zords now!"

"I'm working as fast as I can!" the computer program replied anxiously. "It would help if Red XIII had opposable thumbs…or if Cait Sith and Carbuncle weren't having sexual intercourse on the floor."

There was a pause. Leon stared at his phone in disbelief. "O…kay. Thank you so much for that lovely mental image. I'll just let you get back to work." He hung up. Then he shuddered.

King Leo remained huddled for several seconds. When he realized he hadn't been hit yet, he cautiously opened his eye and looked around. When he saw Yuffie's Megazord on the ground nearby, struggling to pick itself off the ground, he straightened up and roared triumphantly. "Haha! I knew it all along! I'm invincible! Nothing can defeat me!" He laughed evilly. "Incredible! Four of them have lost their Zords and are temporarily powerless, one of them's lost in space, and the only one left who can fight can't penetrate my indestructible barrier! I'm going to go down in history as the monster that finally killed the Power Rangers…or one generation of them, anyway. Muhahahahahaha!"

And at that moment, back in Radiant Garden…

"It was nice and educational to watch at first, but I think enough is enough! Could the two of you PLEASE stop having sexual intercourse with each other on the floor of the control room?! I have work to do, and I could use your help, or at the very least fewer distractions!" Tron desperately begged the two furry creatures copulating on the floor of the control room. Carbuncle and Cait Sith were too deep in the throes of passion to hear a word he said, sad to say. "Red, do something!"

"Like what?" Red XIII, who was sitting in a corner not doing anything, asked.

"I don't know, pull them apart or something!" Tron said in exasperation.

Red shook his head. "No thanks, they'd tear me apart. I'm sure they'll get tired and stop eventually. In a few hours. Or days."

Tron groaned. "I'll _never_ be able to get the stains from this out of the tiles…"

…

The world of Ivalice was a wondrous and magical place, full of numerous civilized races, kingdoms, airships, and magnificent locales.

Not anymore.

"IXTALA!"

A green flash spread out from the Pharos tower on the Ridorana Cataract out at sea, a tower of stone perched on the top of a waterfall so vast it seemed like the edge of the world, its light shining across the floating continents of Bhujerba and Lemures, the Rozarrian and Archadian empires, the kingdoms of Dalmasca, Bervenia, Romanda, Ordelia, Lea Monde, and all the other countries and continents on the planet. All the magic in the world, represented by mystical stones, sorcerers, monsters, races in tune with the flow of natural energies, and the form of raw magical energy called Mist which permeated the land all were taken from their homes around the globe and siphoned, as if through a giant vortex, into Lord Oberon. The Moogles were the only ones to be spared, since Oberon had a legal contract with them stating he'd leave them alone, which was also why they hadn't been absorbed back at the wedding.

The literal eye of the storm, Oberon laughed madly as the magic swirled around and into him, drawn inexorably by the green light of Ix. "Yessss….YES! The POWER! The sheer POWER! Magicite, Viera, Occuria, Nu Mou, Humes, Aegyl, Gria, Helgas, Espers…monsters of all kinds and creeds…even Mist, the essence of magic itself in this mortal-infested world! It is power beyond compare! And all of it mine, mine, MINE!"

"Dawg, how many times do I got to tell ya, YOU TALK TOO MUCH!"

Oberon's eyes bulged, cataracts starting to form from all the unstable power he had absorbed so far. "What?! NO! NOT YOU!"

"Who else, dawg?" Satan's iron trident shot through the air straight and true, piercing Oberon through the chest and throwing him backwards, pinning him to the stone wall of the Pharos tower behind him. He screamed, both in pain at the venomous iron imbedded in his body, and also longingly at the loss of power, for Satan's attack had disrupted his spell, preventing him from absorbing all the magic in the land. The Mist that had gathered around him dissipated, while the monsters and creatures he had not yet absorbed…well…sort of fell, either to the ground or into the ocean. Most of them were okay, though! Probably…though the two floating continents fell pretty far…

"DAMN YOU!" Oberon screamed as Satan landed nearby, his spider legs finding purchase on the rough, wet stone the lighthouse had been built on top of. "THRICE DAMN YOU TO THE BLACKEST PITS, DEMON!"

"Uh, hate to break it to you, dawg, but I already live there, remember?" Satan said, folding his arms and giving Oberon a smug grin.

"What are you even doing here?! Why are you not destroying the Disney Kingdom?!" Oberon cried shrilly.

Satan smirked. "Well, y'see, I have a little thing I like to call _priorities._ It's a list of things I want or need to do, with the things most urgently needing to be taken care of at the top of the list. And right now, my highest priority, way more important than indulging myself by destroying a kingdom, is rescuing Babygirl and whuppin' your ass!"

"Wrong, demon!" Oberon snarled, planting one hand against the wall and grabbing the trident buried in his chest with the other, gritting at how much it burned to touch it. "Your first priority…should be defending yourself!" He unleashed a wave of incredible power from his body at the same time he pulled on the trident, resulting in him getting blasted off the wall and gaining the force he needed to rip the trident out of his chest and impale Satan on it, then teleport away just before the entire Pharos lighthouse collapsed on top of the demon lord due to Oberon's energy wave pretty much slicing the thing in half.

Or at least, the lighthouse was _supposed_ to collapse on top of Satan. The demon ripped his trident out of his chest with his two smaller hands and grabbed the wall of the lighthouse falling down towards him with the larger ones, stopping its descent. He then flew into the air, carrying the giant lighthouse with him, spun about and hurled it right at Oberon as he rematerialized nearby. Oberon reacted instantly, firing an energy beam which shattered the lighthouse and struck Satan with surprising force, pushing him back quite a bit. "You're not going to win this time, demon!" Oberon ranted, gathering more power. "This time, I will destroy you!"

"Yeah, fat chance," Satan grunted.

"No chance, but ultimate certainty! FLAREGA!" A tremendously powerful firebolt streaked down from the sky and shot towards Satan.

"Uh, hello, Ruler of HELL here?!" Satan pointed out. He raised his upper-right arm, and his Leviathan head opened its jaws wide and breathed an equally powerful burst of flame which collided with the Flare spell and exploded, the shockwaves from the blast knocking both combatants away. "Unh!"

"Agh!" Oberon grunted, pointing his hands at Satan as they hurtled away from each other. "SCOURGE!"

Satan cried out as a wave of poison washed over him, temporarily turning his skin green…before his body absorbed it. "Poison don't really work on me, man. Plus, I don't really look good in green, don't you think?" Oberon's reply was another powerful energy beam. "Guess not." Satan warped out of the way of the beam, disappearing.

Oberon looked around in puzzlement. "Where did he-"

"Honey, I'm ho-ome!" Satan crooned as he reappeared, holding the ENTIRE floating continent of Bhujerba in one hand, and gripping the ENTIRE floating continent of Lemures in the other, despite the fact that both flying landmasses dwarfed him significantly. Well, they hadn't exactly been flying when he found them, rather they had been sinking into the ocean due to Oberon absorbing all the magic from them, but that was irrelevant. He clapped the continents together against Oberon, much like Satan had been clapped between the giant stone hands earlier, shattering the land masses into huge chunks of stone and dirt and pretty much killing any poor soul that might still have been clinging to life on the rock, but Satan didn't really care about that. Getting hit by a pair of continents naturally hurt Oberon like hell and sent him tumbling downwards, crashing down into the ocean and sinking beneath the waves, accompanied by the large pieces of rubble and debris that had once been Bhujerba and Lemures. Satan dearly hoped a few more of those hit Oberon on the head on his way back to the surface.

After the surface of the ocean stopped churning due to all of the very large and heavy things falling into it, Satan noticed a whirlpool starting to form not too far away. "Aw, hell no, not again," Satan complained. "Doesn't he remember what happened the last time? Well, I'll put a stop to this…" He pointed his trident downwards, charged unimaginable energy into it, and fired an ice beam into the water which…well…caused the entire ocean for ten miles in every direction to be frozen solid. "Heheh. That'll learn 'im."

The ice nearby started cracking, an ominous glow forming beneath the surface. Satan waited patiently for Oberon to erupt dramatically from the ice, screaming with rage, eyes red and surrounded by flame, then he pointed his Leviathan head at the raging elf. The hell-serpent hocked up an enormous loogie which flew through the air and splattered against Oberon, instantly extinguishing his blazing aura and covering him in disgusting green slime. He gaped in disbelief, looking down at himself. "You…how dare you…"

"Oh, I dare man. I definitely dare. I dare this, too!" Satan pointed his trident at Oberon and fired another ice beam, freezing the Fae lord into a block of solid green snot. Satan grinned and patted himself on the back. (Not literally, since there were breasts growing back there.) "Damn, am I cruel or what?" He floated down and drew back his trident again, preparing to smash the frozen Oberon to pieces…

When suddenly, everything went dark. He couldn't see a thing. "Huh?" He took off his sunglasses, but it didn't help. "What the-"

There was the noise of shattering ice (or snot) and then Satan heard the tell-tale whine of an energy blast just as it hit him hard in the chest, hurling him away and stinging slightly. Oberon cackled a little too crazily. "Just as I thought, for all your vaunted power, all I really needed to do was cast a simple Blind spell to put you out of commission!"

"Yeah, well you thought wrong," Satan said, his trident shooting out and impaling Oberon, who he could sense was standing right beside him rather than in front of him, as his voice would have suggested, burying the points of his weapon in the elf's crotch. "I don't need my eyes to see, dipshit, you just caught me by surprise for a second." Rather than cast a spell to remove the blindness, Satan ripped out his sightless eyes, allowing a new set to grow in and allow him to see Oberon, who was shrieking in pain as great amounts of blood spewed from where Satan had buried his trident. The devil snickered as he got back to his feet as he noticed how phallic it looked, then was momentarily miffed when he realized that he may have temporarily given Oberon one even bigger than his own. He remedied this by pulling his trident out of the elf, causing a greater spurt of blood to spill out for a moment before the wound healed itself, and then he pointed the hell-serpent at Oberon's head and burned his face off. He roared with laughter at this until Oberon, head aflame, staggered back to his feet and delivered a energy-charged right hook which not only sent Satan flying, but also twisted his head 360 degrees around his neck, snapping a few vertebrae. "Ow," he grunted, right before he crash-landed in Archades, capital of Archadia, crushing Draklor Laboratories in the process and killing hundreds. However, most of them had been evil, so it sort of balanced out.

As he got back to his feet, off in the distance he could hear Oberon shout, "METEORGA!" He looked up to see a huge flaming meteor shooting down towards him.

Satan rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Doesn't he know that meteors are _so_ overdone?" He extinguished the flame around the meteor with an ice beam, then flew up, caught it easily, spun it about, and, instead of flinging it at Oberon as the elf probably expected, teleported over to where Oberon had relocated himself, on the Cerobi Steppe some distance away, and slam-dunked the stellar object right onto a startled Oberon's head, resulting in an incredible explosion which flung Satan backwards and turned the plains of Cerobi into a smoking crater. "TOUCHDOWN! No, wait, that's football. Uh, goal? No, that's soccer. And I don't think that was a three-pointer either…" A tremendous pillar of fire erupted from the crater, a raging Oberon in the center of it, his fury causing the skies to darken, lightning to shoot down all over the place, boulders to go flying everywhere, and a three-headed goat to be born on a farm on the far side of Ivalice. "Hmm? Oh, he's back on his feet. Good! Now I get to hit him some more!" Waves of crackling, angry magic rolling off him like drops of fire and ravaging the land beneath him, Oberon started flying at Satan at nearly the speed of light, eyes burning with rage, fists extended forward. Unbothered, Satan teleported away, already knowing what to do to get out of this.

He reappeared some distance away, on a site where, only a few minutes ago, a great battle between the forces of Rozarria and Archadia had been taking place in their immense and powerful airships. However, with the loss of the magical skystones that kept the ships flying, the flying vessels had fallen from the air and crashed to the ground below. The survivors were either struggling to stay alive and signaling for rescue, or continuing the battle on foot. Satan picked up one of the largest battleships easily, a tremendous vessel, practically a flying fortress, called the _Eden._ "Weird name for a warship…" he muttered to himself, ignoring the screams of the insignificant Humes below and the weapons fire they directed at him, which he barely even felt as pinpricks against his skin. He wound back the ship, holding it like a baseball bat, waiting for Oberon to find him. At the speed the elf was currently moving at, that shouldn't take long.

Sure enough, he appeared on the horizon a millisecond later, and it would be only a microsecond after that before he would slam into Satan, possibly ripping the demon in two considering the speed at which he was moving. Satan didn't intend to let that happen. To the devil's hyper-sensitive perception of time, which he could slow down or speed up at will, Oberon, flying at near-light speed, appeared to be moving as slow as molasses. So Satan knew just when the right moment was for him to strike, swinging the ship in his hands and connecting with the startled Oberon's face with a crack so loud that it ruptured the eardrums of all the soldiers nearby (if not outright causing their heads to explode). The strike smashed the _Eden_ to smithereens, but it also sent Oberon flying up into the stratosphere, vanishing from sight within moments. "It's a homerun, folks! And the crowd goes wild!" He waited for any sound from the Humes below him. They were too busy either dying or gasping in pain to compliment him on his incredible hit. He frowned in annoyance. "Oh well, at least I got the right sports reference this time. Wankstas." He killed the remaining soldiers with a thought, and then shot up into sky after Oberon.

In seconds he found the elf in near-orbital altitude high above Ivalice, too dazed by getting whacked with a battleship to fight back as Satan grabbed him. "How-how did you do that? I used the most powerful of Haste spells to increase my speed…"

"I can alter my metabolism at will, allowing me to speed up or slow down my own perception of time," Satan explained. "So to me, you were moving slower than the giants of Ogyptu. More than slow enough for me to hit you out of the ballpark! And now I'm gonna REALLY bring on the hurt." A cheerful expression on his face, he broke Oberon's back over his knee, then, while the elf was howling in agony, shot back down towards the planet, pointing Oberon face-down so he got the full brunt of the heat of their reentry, burning off his clothes and peeling off his skin. It didn't really bother Satan much at all, but that was to be expected.

They crashed down so hard that they created a crater twenty-five miles wide and caused tremendous seismic upheavals which opened up fissures in every direction, obliterating the Feywood and Golmore Jungle, the Paramina Rift, Mt. Bur-Omiscae, and Eruyt Village. The shockwaves rippled around the planet, making mountains in some places and crumbling down others, causing floods, turning deserts into giant quicksand pits, and shattering the glass in Rabanastre and all the nearest continents. The impact was so great that it might cause dramatic climactic changes which could eventually wipe out all life on the planet…assuming it survived the battle between Oberon and Satan, anyway.

Oberon seemed a rather pathetic sight at the moment, lying smoking in the center of the crater, looking for all the world like the charred, twisted corpse of a man who had been caught in a volcanic eruption. However, he was still alive. Some might say that was a bad thing, considering how much incredibly agonizing pain he was in. Satan, his skin darkened and tanned by reentry, wasn't helping the matter any since he insisted on crouching next to Oberon, poking the elf's burned and peeling skin with his trident. He had snapped off a few of Oberon's fingers and was feeding them to his Leviathan head, his afro, and the female face on the back of his head. "You awake?" The pure hatred in Oberon's dehydrated white eyes answered him. "Good. It'll be a few minutes before your body regenerates from all the damage I just did. You gonna call it quits now and release all the magic you've stolen, or am I gonna have to hurt you some more?"

Oberon's mouth split open with a crackling sound and whispered something through cracked lips and a crumbling tongue. "Huh? What's that you say?" Satan leaned over to hear Oberon better.

"…_Ultimaga…"_ the Fae lord whispered almost below the audible range of hearing for all beings, even demons.

Satan frowned. "Ultimaga? What are you-" His face paled. "Oh, _shit._"

That's when the planet exploded in a flash of violent green light, obliterating the entire solar system in the process. Only the Moogles were spared, Oberon's magic spiriting them to the central planet of the Trade Federation before they could be killed. He had a contract with them, after all.

It took Satan's body a full hour to fully regenerate from that blast, and a half hour after that to regain consciousness. He woke up to find himself drifting in space, surrounded by chunks of cooling rock that must, at some point, have been Ivalice. And maybe some of the other planets in the solar system. Off in the distance he could see a swirling cloud of gas, a nebula that must at one point have been Ivalice's sun. Oberon was nowhere in sight. He had probably recovered faster somehow and gone off to devour more magic while Satan was out of it. "Damn," he said finally, shaking his head to get rid of all the cobwebs in it. He stretched his limbs, flexing his fingers and spider legs to make sure all of them were in working order. "Didn't think he had it in him." He grunted and cracked his neck. "You okay up there?" he asked his afro.

"Yeah boss," the living hairpiece rasped deeply. "I'm cool."

"How about you, babe? Doing okay?" he asked the woman growing from his back.

"I'm all right, just a bit tired. And irritated." The lovely face grimaced. "That actually _hurt_."

"Well, being at the center of an explosion which wipes out a solar system generally does," Satan pointed out. "Gotta give that wuss credit though, I didn't think he had the balls to use one of the most powerful of all forbidden spells!"

"I'd rather kill him than compliment him," the female growled.

"Same here, dawg," said Satan's afro.

"Awww, don't worry you two, I'll kill him soon." Satan frowned. "Gotta get him to release all that pent-up magic, first. If that last attack was anything to go by, he's getting too much power, too quickly. Ultimaga's powerful, but it usually doesn't hit _that_ hard. If I'm right, his anger at me constantly giving him a beatdown is causing his power levels to skyrocket, which would naturally bring the conflicting energies inside him that much closer to total meltdown."

"So in other words, if you fight him again, he might get so angry he'll go kerplow and destroy a third of the universe?!" asked the appalled female.

"And we couldn't even say we were responsible!" whined the afro. "I mean, not _really!_"

"Now, now, both of you chillax, I'll figure something out. I just need to find something that can drain away some of the excess energy he's got building up inside of him so he won't go thermonuclear on us for a while longer. Now, let's see here, what could I-" He paused, noticing the orange gleam of a mineral deposit on one of the nearby chunks of shattered planet. "Hmm? What's this?" He flew over to examine it. A grin slowly came to his face when he realized what it was. "Well, isn't _this_ a wonderful coinkydink…"

…

Pete was sweating like mad and smelling like a wet dog, gasping and wheezing and barely able to stay on his feet. "How…much…pant further?" he rasped.

"Not much farther," Sora, still on all four legs, said from up ahead.

"That's…wheeze…what you said two hour ago," Pete groaned.

Goofy blinked. "But Pete, we've only been walking for twenty minutes."

Pete's eyes widened. "Only…gasp…_twenty!?_ Aw man…"

Roxas rolled his eyes and smacked Pete in the rear with his Keyblade, causing him to yelp and jump into the air. "Oh, shut up, you wuss," Roxas grunted. "Quit whining."

"Roxas, that wasn't very nice," Sora scolded.

"Yeah, what're you gonna do about it? Bite me?" Roxas sneered.  
Sora did just that. CHOMP!

"Ow! I didn't mean that literally, you idiot!" Roxas wailed, flailing his arm and trying to shake Sora off.

"Phorry," Sora mumbled through Roxas' flesh. He let go and gave Roxas his arm back.

The Nobody examined his skin unhappily, wiping off Sora's drool. "Ew, Heartless saliva…you'd better not have broken the skin!"

"What's it matter if you do? It's not like you have blood or anything…" Sora pointed out. "I'd have thought you'd love a scar, so you can use it to impress the ladies."

"Hey, good point!" Roxas said, recognizing an opportunity when he saw one. "Do you think you could bite me again? Harder, this time, so it leaves a mark?" Sora sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Hey, fellers!" Goofy yelled from further down the tunnel, having scouted ahead while Sora and Roxas argued pointlessly and Pete collapsed, close to a heart attack. "I think we've made it!"

The twins perked up at this. "Told ya!" said Sora.

"Great, now we can kill Oberon!" Roxas said gleefully.

"That's Satan's job," Sora pointed out.

Roxas pouted. "Oh. Well, let's maim him, then."

Sora nodded. "I think we can get away with that." They scampered off after Goofy.

Heaving, Pete staggered back to his feet. "H-hey…cough…wait for me…you guys…" Gasping for breath, he stumbled after the others. Fortunately, he didn't have far to go, the tunnel went a few meters further than turned a corner and opened onto a wider chamber. What that chamber was like, Pete couldn't tell just yet, because the other three were blocking his view. He started shoving his bulk between them to take a look. "Hey, get outta the way, you-" He trailed off when he saw what awaited them just ahead. "Holy mother o' Disney."

The tunnel stopped just a few inches ahead of them, opening up on the side of what looked to be an unimaginably vast cavern made totally of solid light green crystal. The crystalline walls extended above and below the tunnel mouth for what looked to be miles, creating an immense vaguely diamond-shaped cavity inside Oberon's body that looked as if ten of Maleficent's castles could be shoved into it, with a little room to spare. (Not much, though.) The crystal cave was vast and largely empty, the only things occupying the vast space what looked to be hundreds of thousands, if not millions or billions, of smaller vaguely dagger-shaped crystals suspended in the air, coming in a variety of sizes ranging from as small as Jiminy Cricket to as large as a Nobody Dreadnaught, if not even bigger. And every single one of them had an unmoving form inside it, its shape dark against the green transparent walls of the crystals. And more seemed to appear every now and then, materializing in large groups in rather sporadic bursts, with unpredictable gaps of time between each appearance.

Despite the vaguely calming glow of this incredibly vast expanse, however, all was not well. Every few minutes the green flickered to a rather violent and ominous-looking red. Crackling, twisted bolts of energy writhed around the crystals, jumping back and forth between each other or leaping out to strike the sides of the great enclosure, or being struck in return by even more chaotic bolts emitted by the walls.

There was what looked like a platform off in the distance, in the dead center of the chamber, which seemed to be free of any energy bolts. It was a peaceful island of stability in the midst of a rather dangerous and stormy sea of crystals. However, it was too far away, and too densely surrounded by crystals, to make out clearly just what was going on over there.

"_This_ is Oberon's heart?!" Pete bellowed in disbelief, flinching when he heard his voice echo and endlessly bounce off the walls of the crystalline space before them. "I mean, this is Oberon's heart?" he whispered more quietly.

Sora nodded vigorously. "Yep! I can smell it. This is his heart, his core, his kernel of existence, whatever you want to call it. It's the center of his being!" He stuck out a tongue. "And it doesn't taste very good, either…even if I were a real Heartless, I'd probably think twice before eating it. Well, maybe not. Are Heartless picky eaters?" Roxas shrugged, he didn't know either.

Goofy scratched his head in puzzlement. "Gawrsh, I thought hearts were supposed to be all red and gooey and sticky and stuff, a-hyuck. And beating, too!"

"Or all pink and glowy and sparkly," Pete added. "Before they get consumed by darkness and become Heartless, anyway."

"Hmm…it's cold, hard, and very empty," commented Roxas. "Yep, looks like Oberon's heart to me. Fits him perfectly." He turned to his sibling. "So, what do we do now, bro?"

Sora sat on the ground and scratched the back of his ear with one foot. "Well," he said after a moment. "Merlin said Oberon's fused his heart with the Crystal of Ix to better utilize its power or something. And by turning into a giant, he increased its capacity to capture people and magic. If that's the case, then we must be looking at the inside of the giant Crystal…and all those smaller things must be all the people and magic he's stolen!"

"Then Namine's in there?" Roxas asked hopefully, peering out into the chamber.

"And the King and Queen and Donald?" Goofy added.

"And Maleficent?" Pete asked anxiously. "And Nosimono, too?"

Sora nodded. "Yeah, and everyone else! I can smell them…I can…feel their hearts beating. Weird."

"Uh, Sora, you're not gonna go all…you know…feeding frenzy out there, are you?" Roxas asked uneasily. "I mean, I don't really care if you do, so long as you don't eat the hearts of anyone I like. Or any hot babes. Or guys. Riku's fine, though."

Sora rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to eat the hearts of any of my friends. I'm not that kind of Heartless."

"What about your enemies?" Roxas asked.

Sora considered that for a moment. "Probably not. At least, I don't _think_ I would…"

Pete laughed nervously. "Eh heh, well, ah, I'm not _that_ much of an enemy to you, am I?"

"Uh, you tried to kill us a bunch of times, helped a lot of bad guys, unleashed Heartless on a bunch of worlds, tried to destroy the Cornerstone of Light…" Goofy recalled.

"Shut it, you goof, you're only gonna make things worse!" Pete hissed, clamping Goofy's mouth shut with his hands. "So, uh, where do we go from here?" Pete asked loudly, changing the subject.

Sora pointed at the distant platform. "Out there. It's the heart of the heart. To free everyone, we need to go there."

Pete sighed. "Of course we do. So, how're we gonna get there? 'Cause we're reaaaally high up, and that thing's reaaaally far away. And I don't think any of us can fly."

"Hmm…" Roxas mused, holding his chin in thought. "I have an idea."

"You do?" asked Goofy.

"Yes." Without warning, he got behind Pete and shoved him out of the tunnel, out into the very large crystal cave they were very high up on one wall of. "You first!"

"WAAA-oof!" Pete landed face-first on a hexagonal crystal platform that had materialized out of thin air just a few feet below the tunnel mouth. "Huh?"

"Just as I thought, I knew a bridge would conveniently appear out of thin air to help us cross!" Roxas said triumphantly.

"Really?" asked Goofy.

"No, not really. But I wanted to sacrifice the most expendable member of our party just to make sure," Roxas said with a shrug, hopping down from the tunnel and landing on the platform, right beside Pete. Goofy and Sora followed moments after.

"_I'm_ the most expendable?! I'm the guy whose fiancé is stuck in here and has an iron mace!" Pete snapped, waving his weapon.

"Yes, but you're very fat and you slow us down," Roxas pointed out. Pete gaped. Sora frowned.

"Gawrsh, Roxas, that's not nice!" said an alarmed Goofy.

"No, it's not," Roxas agreed. "Well, let's go, can't keep everyone waiting." He stepped forward confidently off the side of the platform facing the center of the cavern. An identical hexagonal platform instantly formed underneath his foot just before it could land on thin air, supporting his weight. He kept moving forward, more platforms assembling themselves in front of him and making the beginnings of a narrow bridge leading out into the middle of the crystal heart.

"I liked him better when he was just a voice in your head," Pete grumbled unhappily as Sora helped him back to his feet. Sora shrugged but said nothing. There wasn't really anything he could say to justify his brother's actions, other than, "He's a Nobody."

They soon caught up with Roxas and walked, together, on the ever-expanding bridge towards their ultimate confrontation. At first they talked strategy, formulating battle plans and maneuvers that might allow them to get an advantage over whatever Oberon might throw at them. That talk died down and dwindled into silence as soon as they got closer to the crystals floating everywhere, their numbers growing denser as they moved deeper into the chamber and forcing them to confront the sheer number of victims Oberon had claimed.

There were crystals containing objects, yes, of all shapes and sizes, and other large vessels that seemed to be holding nothing more than various concentrated masses of energy, but the most common crystals were the ones containing living things. At least, the party _hoped_ they were living things. Other than Sora's assurances that he could hear (and smell) heartbeats, they really had no way to tell that the bodies hanging around them, of human and humanoid and animaloid and alien and monster and all other variety of being, were not in fact corpses, preserved in crystalline sarcophagi as some kind of macabre display to show off Oberon's trophies of conquest. The unbelievable number of bodies pressed down on them the further they went along the ever-constructing crystal bridge, millions and millions of people looking very much dead, taken from every world Oberon had visited and drained of magic since leaving the chapel in Dark City.

How was it possible for him to have captured so many so quickly, they wondered. How could he possibly have drained so much magic and people from so many worlds in such a short order, especially with Satan, the nearly omnipotent ruler of Hell and master of darkness, in constant pursuit? A nagging worm of doubt burrowed into their hearts (those who had any), causing them to wonder just what chance they could possibly have against a foe who was able to claim this many victims, even when being chased by the master of all evil himself?

It was inevitable that they would eventually run into familiar faces as they got deeper into the cavern and the crystals grew denser all around them, unquestionable that at some point they would run into friends, victims of a world they had once traveled to.

Sora gasped, spying a figure recognizable to children on many, many worlds suspended in a nearby crystal. "No! It can't be!"

"It's Santa Claus!" Goofy cried. They quickly ran over to the edge of the bridge to examine him. It didn't take long for them to ascertain that it was, indeed, Santa Claus; he was short, fat, dressed in a red coat with white trim and a red stocking cap with a white ball at the end, with a very long white beard and eternally rosy cheeks in a playful, aged face. A face currently emotionless and empty, eyes shut, deep in a trance of sleep that looked far too much like death.

"Didn't he leave my bachelor party last night?" asked a confused Pete. "What's he doing here?"

"He must have gone straight home to Christmastown," Roxas told him, as an incredulous Sora reached out, delicately touching the crystal containing Santa with a claw. "…Which Oberon must have visited and absorbed, if all the crystals around him are anything to go by."

Roxas was right. The crystals surrounding Santa Clause held elves, candy canes, Christmas trees, Mrs. Clause, reindeer, a sleigh, boxes of presents, snowflakes, and sparkling ornaments, symbolizing the magic of Christmas.

Sora's eyes widened and he turned back to the others. "If Christmas is here, then that means…"

Roxas's eyes widened as well. "Oh no! He must have gotten Halloweentown, too!"

The group quickly ran further down the bridge, forcing it to keep extending forward ahead of them. All around them they saw crystals containing representatives of other holidays: the Easter bunny and his eggs, the Thanksgiving turkey and a bunch of Indians and pilgrims, a group of solemn-looking leaders assembled for President's Day, the ridiculous-looking April Fool, the menorah and dreidel of Hannukah, some colorfully adorned dark-skinned folk for Kwanzaa and, finally, a horde of monsters and ghouls, clouds of shapeless scary things, and jack o' lanterns to represent Halloween. Sora fell to his feet in dismay, looking at all the (somewhat) friendly monsters and horrors he had gotten acquainted with in his jaunts to Halloweentown. Goofy put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. Roxas gritted his teeth angrily. "That bastard! Halloween was my favorite holiday!"

"Not Christmas?" asked a surprised Pete.

"Nah, Santa never delivered anything but coal to the Castle that Never Was," Roxas said, crossing his arms and pouting. "The dumbass."

"Sora, is there any way we can get 'em out of there?" Goofy asked the semi-Heartless. "Like, the Keyblade or something?"

Sora shook his head as he got back up. "No, the…the lock for all of these is in the middle of this room, where we're going now."

"Well, wasn't there some magic word or whatever that's supposed to open these things up?" Roxas recalled.

Pete snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, it was…uh…Ixtabeer!"

Goofy shook his head. "No, I think it was Ixtabar."

Roxas snorted. "You're both wrong, it's Ixtabear!"

"Ixtaboor."

"Ixtabutt?"

"Ixtabull!"

"Ixta…something or other?"

"Ixtabonbon?"

"It's Ixtabor," Sora said, shutting them all up. "And it won't work, anyway. That's part of why Oberon fused himself with the crystal, so that he can block the magic word from forcing him to release all the magic he's absorbed." He sighed and looked sadly at a very nice vampire woman who had allowed him, Donald, and Goofy to stay in her house whenever they stopped over in Halloweentown. She had always made the best blood pudding…and her ghoul husband told the best graveyard jokes. "Come on, let's keep going. The only way we can end this is if we reach the lock. We still have a ways to go."

They kept going. They had been shaken by the sight of familiar faces, people from a world that (most of them) had visited and were fond of. But it became a lot, _lot _worse when they saw victims from a place far too close to home.

"NO!" Goofy cried, stumbling to the edge of the bridge and falling to his knees. Floating in space before and around them were several dozen crystals holding enchanted broomsticks, sorcerers wearing the mark of the Disney Kingdom, a number of spellbooks and other magical artifacts, and most horrifying of all, the Cornerstone of Light. "No…how could he…there's no way…he couldn't have! HE COULDN'T HAVE!"

Sora shook his head. "Oh no…" Roxas sighed and looked away.

"Geez…" whispered a stunned Pete. "He hit…he hit Disney Castle…" Pete had not lived in the castle for many years. He had, in fact, conspired to rule it, and later tried to destroy it with Maleficent. But he had still spent most of his life in its service, and it gave a shock to his system to see clear evidence that Oberon had been there, to that most sacred and impenetrable of places, and managed to make off with the source of the kingdom's power and prosperity. _He's got the King…the Queen…and the Cornerstone,_ Pete thought bleakly. _If they aren't returned…the Disney Kingdom's finished._ He had thought he would gain pleasure from this knowledge. In another time and place, he might have. But right now, all he could feel was a sick sense of dread and hopelessness. _If my PJ hadn't come to my wedding…would he have been there when Oberon attacked? Would he have survived whatever that big Smurf had in store?_

"Sora…please…you have to help them," Goofy begged Sora desperately, tears running down his face and snout.

Sora fidgeted. "Goofy…I can't-"

"Sora, PLEASE!" Goofy wailed, his big weeping eyes more serious and more heartbroken than Sora had ever seen them.

So Sora tried. He pointed his Keyblade at the crystal containing the Cornerstone. At the ones holding Disney wizards. Even the ones holding the brooms. There was no reaction. "I can't unlock them," he told Goofy apologetically when he finally lowered the Keyblade. "The lock's not here. It's over there. There's…there's nothing I can do. I'm sorry, Goofy."

Goofy stared at him for a moment, eyes red from weeping. Then, he abruptly turned about and angrily hurled his shield at the crystal containing the Cornerstone of Light. It struck the crystal cage with a loud clang that echoed throughout the cavern, but did no damage. Goofy caught the shield as it spun back through the air, then turned and darkly stalked further down the bridge, causing more of it to materialize before them. "Oberon's going to pay for this."

Roxas and Sora exchanged surprised glances. Pete shook his head, mildly impressed. "I didn't think the Goof had that kind of steel in him…"

"Well," Sora pointed out. "There had to be _some_ reason Mickey chose him above all others to be the head knight at Disney Castle. After you were banished, I mean."

Pete frowned at him. "Right," he grumbled. They followed after Goofy.

It got even worse up ahead, as Sora and Goofy found themselves passing by crystals of people taken from more worlds they were intimate with, people they had been good friends with. They passed the mermaids of Atlantica, dragons and spirits from Mulan's home in China, madcap creatures from the bizarre and insane world of Wonderland like the Cheshire Cat and Mad Hatter, genies and mystical creatures from Agrabah, gods and dead souls and mythical beasts from Greece, cursed pirates and voodoo priests from the Caribbean, fairies from Neverland and many other worlds, even a few Heartless and Nobodies, and so many others besides. They felt sicker and sicker as the sleeping, almost dead faces loomed down on them as they went deeper into the cavern, clustered together more tightly until there were veritable walls of interlocking crystal prisons over, under, and on either side of the bridge, all occasionally flashing red and conducting energy waves across each other for no obvious reason. Roxas and Pete were affected less by this display than the other two, who had emotional attachments to some of the people they were passing by. Roxas didn't really care in particular about any of the trapped people around them, unless they were attractive or he especially despised or was fond of one for some reason, while Pete was just plain creeped out by the whole thing, feeling like he was in some kind of a horror movie. He kept envisioning the grisly image of himself trapped in one of the flickering crystals; even if it was more likely Oberon would outright kill him then imprison him, since he didn't really have any magic to drain. He shuddered at the thought.

The platform in the distance slowly grew closer and closer, and it became clear to the quartet that it was also a tower, the flat peak of a great and narrow pillar rising from the lowest point of the crystal cave's floor. But what was on that pillar, they still could not tell. At some points it did not feel like they would ever make it there, that they would keep on walking through eternity between the racks of Oberon's grisly trophies surrounding them on both sides until they died of exhaustion.

And then, without warning, they were suddenly there. They were startled when they realized they had made it, for they had been too focused on the sleeping faces surrounding them to realize just how close they had gotten. Tentatively, they stepped off the final platform of the bridge and onto the top of the pillar. As they did so, the bridge behind them abruptly shattered, trapping them on the platform and causing Pete to yelp in fright and nearly fall over the edge. "Typical," Roxas grunted.

"There's no going back now," said Goofy, a look of sheer determination on his face. "Even if we wanted to. We've passed the point of no return."

They turned from the edge to look at what lay before them. The top of the pillar was totally flat, perfectly round, and was about a quarter of a mile in diameter. Roxas and Sora instantly felt a moment of déjà vu as they looked at the floor, for it appeared to be made out of colorful stained glass set in a somewhat familiar pattern. It was a pattern of two concentric rings surrounding a central circle, each ring holding circles with images in them.

The circles on the outermost ring, near the edge, showed a variety of humanoid creatures which varied in shape and form, but shared certain common traits like sharp chins, pointed ears, or extraordinary beauty. These represented the various races of Fae over which Oberon was Lord and master of. A few circles had been blackened, blotted out, to symbolize the races, such as the pixies or Moogles, which had rebelled and were no longer under Oberon's control.

The inner ring had larger, more colorful circles, displaying the people and things Oberon apparently held closest to his heart. There was Titania, a beautiful green-skinned pink-haired Fae woman, his mother, Queen Mab (even if she had been an insane bitch later in life who tried to kill him), and a number of vaguely similar (or radically different) creatures representing Oberon's favorite children. There were also images depicting all of mortal life being stamped out beneath Oberon's heel, worlds being burned to restore their 'purity' while their populations writhed in agony, and the pixies, fairies, Moogles, and other races that had left Oberon's rule in chains, slaving under the eyes of aloof regally-dressed noble elves.

The center circle depicted Oberon himself, ringed by three halos and set in the center of a giant heart. In his left hand he held a starry sphere symbolizing the cosmos; in the other he held a shining golden key that looked almost like a Keyblade. Light radiated from around his form, and from the image of the Crystal of Ix set right over his chest.

While the stained glass images were disturbing, they were still beautifully carved and depicted…were it not for the large unsightly cracks snaking towards the center of the platform from the outer edges, and the way the color seemed dimmed, tarnished even. It was rather foreboding, and told Sora and Roxas of the conditions of Oberon's heart and inner being perhaps even more than the disturbing images on the stained glass did.

Surrounding the pillar top on all sides and above were crystals containing all the people and objects Oberon had kidnapped from Maleficent's wedding. The group anxiously searched the walls for signs of their most cherished friends and loved ones, but while there were many familiar faces all around them, and though Sora could sense their hearts nearby, they could not spot those who they had come to save, more than any other, anywhere in the crystals surrounding them.

At the other end of the platform, directly across from them, was Oberon himself. He was sitting in a tall, high-backed throne of crystal, sipping from a glass of wine. He did not look quite as they remembered him. His hair was blond, his blue skin was bit lighter, his features had twisted to give him a more feral look…oh, and erratically glowing crystal spikes were sprouting from all over his body. Electricity occasionally danced from spike to spike, but Oberon seemed not to notice. His eyes were milky white and without pupils, but by the way he grinned, showing serrated fangs, it was quite evident that he could see them perfectly.

"Oberon!" snarled Roxas, brandishing his half of Hellblazer. Sora snarled and crouched low to the ground, holding the other half of the mysterious Keyblade.

"We need to have a little chat with you," Goofy said menacingly, thrusting out his shield.

"About some friends of ours you've got hanging around here!" Pete added, waving his mace.

Oberon smirked. "So…you've got here at last, have you?" He finished his glass and casually tossed it off the side of the pillar. "It's about time. I've been waiting for you. As…have _they._" A number of crystals shifted and detached from the wall behind him, allowing several others to float out into the air and drift over to the platform, hovering just behind Oberon's throne. The quartet gasped when they saw who was suspended in the crystals. "Do you like them? They are the crown jewels of my collection." Floating in the crystals behind Oberon were Riku, Kairi, Namine, Xehanort (both of whom were somehow detached from their hosts and occupying their own individual crystals), the other six Princesses of Heart, King Mickey, Queen Minnie, Donald and Daisy Duck, Maleficent, the Fairy Queen, Zexion, and Nosimono.

"Riku! Kairi!" cried Sora.

"Namine! And…hey, what the hell is Xehanort doing out? Or Namine for that matter?" asked a confused Roxas.

"Your Majesties! Donald! Daisy!" shouted Goofy.

"Maleficent! Babycakes! Don't worry, Petie's gonna get you out of here!" Pete promised. "And you too, Nosimono! Don't think Daddy's leaving you here, not for a moment! And…eh, I guess we can get Zexion out too, he's useful to have around."

"The seven princesses of heart…the rulers of Disney Castle…the self-proclaimed seeker of darkness…the so-called mistress of all evil…her mother, the illustrious ruler of the upstart fairies…the last living member of Organization XIII…and the legendary Keybearers! And a pair of ducks, for some reason. All their magic, and that of all the others I have taken, belongs to me now!" Oberon boasted, power radiating from him in invisible waves.

"Kairi, Riku, can you hear me?!" Sora cried, reaching out to his best friends with the telepathic link that bound them together. He received nothing from them but silence. He got the same thing when, desperately, he tried to contact Namine, Xehanort, and even Nosimono. "What've you done to them?!"

"Yeah, and what the hell do you mean, 'last' member of Organization XIII? Who the hell do you think I am?!" Roxas asked angrily.

"They are in suspended animation, their pointlessly buzzing minds silenced to give me peace and quiet, their power a part of me. And Roxas…I do not consider you the last living member of Organization XIII, since you aren't really alive. You're little more than Sora's shadow…or is _he_ the shadow now, seeing as he's become a Heartless?" The brothers snarled and ground their teeth at Oberon's arrogant, uncaring tone.

"Let 'em go, now!" Goofy threatened.

Oberon smirked. "Why should I fulfill the requests of a mortal flea like yourself? Your pathetically short lifespan is like a blink of the eye to me, what difference do you think you can possibly make in such a short time?"

"Well, we'll _show_ you what kind of difference we can make if you don't let everyone go!" Pete growled. "With our bare hands, if we haveta!"

Oberon chuckled. "How…quaint. Reverting to senseless brute violence. How typical of you mortals. What makes you think your friends even _want_ you to save them?"

The quartet gave him confused looks, and then glanced at each other, then back at Oberon. "Huh?"

Oberon grinned sinisterly. Then his form flickered and suddenly, much to everyone's surprise, Kairi was sitting on the crystal throne. "K-Kairi?!" Sora cried in astonishment.

Kairi smiled. It was not one of her usual smiles, the kind that lit up your day and told you how much she cared about you personally. No, this was a cruel smile, the one a person wears when they are intentionally trying to break your heart. "Sora, you idiot. Why the heck would I want a worthless, lazy fool like you to rescue me, let alone be my hero? What was I even thinking, becoming your girlfriend? You left me alone for over a year so you could hang out and play hero, and I got kidnapped by Axel because you weren't there to save me! You don't care about me at all; I'm just something pretty to put up on your mantel, a trophy girlfriend!"

Sora stiffened. "Wh-what?! No…that's not true…I wasn't trying to play hero, I'd promised Donald and Goofy I'd help them find the King! And I had to save Riku!"

"That's right, you did," Goofy agreed.

"And I don't blame you, those idiots needed all the help they could get," Roxas joked. Goofy frowned at him and huffed.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Always making excuses to justify your actions. Typical Sora. You know, maybe a Heartless really _is_ the best look for you. After all, how many people have you killed or gotten hurt because you had to go around the universe waving that stupid key-shaped sword of yours around? Have you ever _thought_ of all the lives you may have ruined with your stupid heroics?"

Sora looked at the ground. "I…Kairi…"

"Sora, don't listen to her!" said Roxas.

"Yeah, you've helped plenty of people!" said Goofy. "You even managed to bring back Riku from the darkness!"

"And who says I _wanted_ to be brought back, anyway?" Sora's head shot back up. Kairi was gone, and now Riku was sitting in the throne.

"Riku?!" Sora cried.

"What's he doing here?" wondered Goofy.

"This is gettin' weird…" Pete muttered.

"Can I beat him up?" Roxas asked hopefully.

Riku snorted. "You idiot. I told you to go home and take care of Kairi. Instead you practically _forgot_ about her because you were so stupidly determined to find me and drag me back home. Home, to a family that didn't love me and a place that's always been far too small for me! I was happy out here, among the stars! But no, you had to come after me…you weren't thinking of anyone's happiness but your own! Not mine, not Kairi's, just yours! And look what it got you! You almost got brainwashed by Organization XIII, you had to go to sleep for a year, and all the worlds suffered because of it! Because of your pointless quest to 'save' me!" He shook his head in disgust. "Maybe I was right the first time. Maybe friendship isn't worth it. Maybe darkness really is the only way. After all…it looks like you've chosen that path too." Darkness started swirling around him.

"Riku, NO!" Sora screamed, rushing forward. But it was too late. Riku had transformed into Xehanort, who threw back his head and laughed maniacally as darkness pulsed around him. "RIKUUUUU!"

"Sora, relax, it's not Riku! It's just Oberon playing mind games with you!" Roxas yelled, dragging Sora back. "It's just some kind of trick!"

"Yeah, Riku would never say something like that! I think…" Goofy said, scratching his head. "But I know Kairi wouldn't! Well, probably."

Roxas' eye twitched. "Big help, Goofy…"

"Gawrsh, thanks!" Goofy said, the sarcasm flying right over his head. Roxas rolled his eyes.

"Yeah…you're right Roxas, it is a trick," Sora said, calming down and getting back to his feet. "He doesn't smell like Riku or Kairi at all…it's just Oberon, wearing a disguise."

There was a snort, and they looked back at the throne to see that Namine had replaced Xehanort. "A trick? Please. Then again, I suppose that's exactly what Roxas would say. After all, it takes one to know one."

Roxas looked confused. "Huh? What're you talking about? Hey! Quit dressing up to look like my girl, it's freaky as hell, you crazy crossdresser! Who do you think you are, Xigbar or something?"

Sora blinked. "Xigbar crossdressed?!"

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, freaked us all out. I mean, yeah, we've all done it at some point or other, but he sort of made a habit of it. It was really disturbing."

Sora scratched his head. "Huh. And here I would have thought that flower guy would have been the crossdresser. Um…what was his name? Marloonia?"

"Marluxia," Roxas corrected. "Surprisingly enough, he hated wearing dresses. Go figure."

"Wait, wasn't Xigbar the guy with the scars and the eyepatch and the guns and stuff?" Goofy asked. Roxas and Sora nodded. "And…_he_ wore…" The quartet shuddered at the thought.

"Ugh, that's almost as horrible as what _I_ look like in drag!" Pete commented.

The other three looked at him in disgust. "Thank you for that lovely mental image…" Roxas grumbled.

"Uh, hello, have you idiots forgotten about me or something?!" Namine snapped.

Roxas blinked. "Huh? Oh yeah, sorry about that. And hey, you're doing a pretty crummy impression of Namine, she almost never calls people stupid, despite hanging out with manly men like me!"

"Manly? You're not even a man. Or a person at all. Why, you're barely even a Nobody, just like me." Namine smiled sweetly.

Roxas groaned and rolled his eyes. "Is this going to be one of those, 'Nobodies do not exist, we do not have feelings, yadda-yadda-yadda' lectures? Because the same thing sort of applies to you, babe."

"No," Namine said. "To be a Nobody, you need to have a Heartless." Roxas wordlessly pointed at Sora. "A _real_ one, not somebody pretending to be one, you dumbass! Someone who's lost his heart and can never get it back! And since he did, what does that make you? Just like me, you're nothing but your host's hollow reflection, his shadow. Unlike me, you're made up of all the ugly and slimy parts of him that nobody ever wants to see or know about, the things Sora himself represses and hides from the light."

Roxas blinked. That last one had actually startled him. "Wait, what? No, that…that's not true! I mean, I may have all of Sora's _evil_, sure, but there's not really that much of it since this is _Sora_ we're talking about here, so plenty of his positive traits spilled over into me, since he's got so many to begin with!" He hesitated. "Right?"

Namine's evil smile said otherwise. "Roxas, Roxas, Roxas. Don't be such an idiot. Don't you remember all the horrible things you've done as a member of Organization XIII? The people you've killed, the worlds you've destroyed, the women you've…well, you know. Or rather, I know, since I seem to remember being one of them."

Roxas fidgeted. "I…well…that-that was when I was a member of Organization XIII! But I ran away, remember! Now, I'm just me…and I'm a part of Sora! I've changed, I mean, I'm still a badass sexy bastard, but…I'm not…I'm not still the monster I was then, am I?"

Namine raised an eyebrow. "Roxas, how much of what you did back then do you feel sorry for?"

Roxas opened his mouth. Hesitated. Rubbed the back of his head uneasily. "Well…"

She nodded. "I thought so. And how much of what you did to _me_ do you regret?"

"But…but I thought you forgave me for-" he started.

"That doesn't matter. Do you regret it? ANY of it?" Namine insisted.

Roxas tensed. He looked at his feet, then at Sora, then back at Namine. "Well…a little…I…I think…"

Namine nodded. "That's what I thought. You haven't changed at all, Roxas. You're still the same old you." Roxas clenched his fists and looked at the ground bitterly. Pete and Goofy looked at each other uncertainly. "You're no hero. You have no right to be here, let alone try to save anyone. Not with all the blood on your hands."

"Roxas, she's wrong, you-" Sora started.

"Are still one of us." Roxas' head shot up. Namine had been replaced by Zexion. "Even if you betrayed us, even if you left to be a part of your Other, you will _always_ be one of us, Number XIII."

"Don't call me that!" Roxas snapped. "I'm not a part of the Organization anymore! It's dead, and I quit, remember?"

"If you don't think of yourself as part of it, then why did you react so strongly when Oberon said that _I_ was the last living member of the Organization?" Zexion asked.

Roxas hesitated. "Well…um…"

Zexion nodded. "You see? You'll always be one of us, Number XIII. After all, we are the only ones who ever understood you, who gave you a home."

"Some home. And you guys used me!" Roxas snarled.

"Just as DiZ used you, and Riku, and even Sora," Zexion pointed out. "You're no free of manipulators now that the Organization is dead than you were when we were still around, XIII."

"That's not true!" Roxas snapped.

"Yeah! And I don't manipulate him!" Sora added.

Zexion raised an eyebrow. "Is that so? Then Roxas, why do you bind yourself to Sora? Why do you allow him to continue existing and influencing your behavior, controlling who gets use of your shared body and when? Why not extinguish his consciousness and take his body for your own permanently, so that you may truly exist?"

Roxas blinked. "I can do that?"

"He can do that?" asked an alarmed Sora.

"Of course. If he can switch places with you at will, doesn't it stand to reason that he could destroy your mind as well?" Zexion pointed out. "Or rather, absorb you, so that he becomes the dominant personality and you become nothing at all?"

Roxas clenched his fists. "Even…even if I _could_ do that, I never would! Sora's my brother and, and my best friend! We need each other! Killing him would be like killing a part of myself…literally!"

"Gawrsh, that's sweet," Goofy commented, wiping away a tear. Pete grunted and said nothing.

"You see, Roxas?" Sora said with a broad, sharp-toothed smile. "You _have_ changed. If you were still the monster that fake Namine said you were, you wouldn't have hesitated to kill me to become real!"

"Hey yeah, that's right!" Roxas said, looking relieved.

"No, it's wrong. It just shows that he's manipulated you, changing who you really are, just like DiZ did. It was only with us that you were the real you," Zexion argued.

"Yeah, and with you, I was miserable! I'm happy being part of Sora!" Roxas shot back.

"It doesn't matter if you liked being a part of the Organization or not. You were still one of us. You still _are_ one of us, no matter how much you pretend otherwise, no matter how unworthy of it you are, no matter that you turned from us and perverted our purpose to give yourself some meager joy. No matter that all the others are dead because of you."

Roxas stiffened. "Wait, what? You can't pin that on me, Riku killed one of you, and Sora killed the rest. I had nothing to do with that."

"Didn't you?" Zexion argued. "You were part of Sora when he defeated us, save for when he was on his own at Castle Oblivion. Even if you weren't wholly conscious after you two merged, you were still there, and you lent him the power he needed to beat us. You gave him the experience you had fighting with the rest of us, and he was able to use it to exploit all the weaknesses in our techniques to prevail."

"You did?" Sora and Goofy asked Roxas in surprise.

"I did?" Roxas scratched his head. "Well…now that you mention it…"

"If you had not joined with Sora, we might still be here." Zexion suddenly turned into Xemnas, startling the quartet. "We might have won."

"Now, wait a minute-" a confused Roxas started.

Xemnas became Xigbar. Pete, Goofy, and Sora unconsciously shuddered, remembering what Roxas had said about the man's crossdressing habits. "We might have gotten Kingdom Hearts. We might have gotten back our real hearts. We might have become whole again."

Xigbar turned into Xaldin. "But we didn't. We died. Every last one of us."

Xaldin changed into Vexen, who looked at Roxas coldly. "You killed us, Number 13. Without you, we had no chance against the Keybearer. Especially since _you_ were on his side."

Then Vexen became Lexaeus. "With you showing him how to defeat us, how could we possibly win?"

Lexaeus transformed into Saix, his eyes and hair wild with rage. "You traitor. Your betrayal destroyed the Organization. You turned on us so you could have your heart…and denied all of us ours in the process."

"It's not fair," Demyx whined as he replaced Saix. "Why did you get what you wanted, but none of us did? Why'd you have to kill us, Roxas? I mean, yeah, we weren't exactly best friends, but we had lots of good times…occasionally…didn't we?" He broke down and started sobbing. "It's not fair!" he screamed. "Why did you have to live? Why did you get your heart, and _why did_ _I have to die?!_"

Roxas was shaking. "D-Demyx, I-"

Demyx had been replaced by Luxord. "You should be the dead one, Number XIII. Fate should have chosen you to get snake-eyes when the last dice were rolled, since you're the one who betrayed us."

"Deaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddead," Larxene sang sweetly as she appeared, licking the edge of one of her kunai. "So_ very _dead If I hadn't died, I'd kill you myself."

"All of us died. So why didn't you?" Marluxia asked next from underneath his hood, twirling his scythe and looking like a rather pink and flowery Grim Reaper. "Why do you get to have what we were all working for? Didn't we deserve it too? No, since we didn't get our hearts, you shouldn't have either. You should be dead. Just like us."

Roxas trembled as Marluxia vanished and was replaced by the last remaining member of the Organization, the one he had been the most afraid of seeing again in this place ever since this strange reunion had started. "You'll always be one of us, Roxas. Join us. Join us in death," Axel intoned, his grin that of a decayed corpse's. "Got it memorized?" He then burst into flames, his flesh melting gruesomely off his bones, laughing malevolently.

That was a little too much for Roxas, and he fell to his knees screaming and clutching his head. Sora yelped in alarm and rushed over to grab his brother and try to shake him out of it. Pete squealed and jumped in Goofy's arms, nearly knocking the knight over. Then Roxas blinked, looked up, and said, "Hey, wait, then don't you want Zexion to be dead too? You didn't say a thing about him. I mean, he hasn't gotten a heart either, and he wasn't a traitor like me, but he's still _alive, _unlike the rest of you guys."

There was a pause. The burning corpse Axel's eyes shifted about. "Um…"

Roxas frowned and got back up. "Nice try. Almost had me there for a moment." The burning Axel huffed and turned back into Zexion. Or Oberon pretending to be Zexion. Whatever.

"Is there a point to all this?" Pete wondered, getting tired of all the drama and angst.

"Gawrsh, I think he's tryin' to demoralize us by playing on our personal doubts and misgivings," Goofy said, still carrying Pete. Somehow. "It's not gonna work, though!"

"Are you sure?" asked King Mickey, who was now sitting in the throne.

Goofy hollered, dropped Pete, and saluted. "Y-Your Majesty!"

"Goofy, that's not Mickey, it's just another illusion, like all the others!" Sora warned the knight.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that's right!" Goofy said, lowering his arm.

Mickey shook his head in disappointment. "So, going to let someone else do your thinking for you? Well, I guess that's just typical, Goofy. You've never been smart enough to have an original thought of your own."

Goofy was startled by this. "Wh-what?! Your Maj--I mean, Oberon, er, whoever, what the heck're you talking about?"

"You're a dope," Mickey said flatly. "A moron. A maroon. An imbecile. You're lucky Max didn't inherit your stupidity gene, or he would never have made it as far as he has in the Academy. Then again, maybe he has, and he's only been allowed to pass because he's your son?"

Goofy bristled. "What?! That's…that's preposterous! My Maxie's got it where it counts, brains, guts, heart, his relation to me's got nothing to do with his good grades and standing in the army, a-hyuck! And I have it where it counts too; otherwise I wouldn't be Captain of the royal knights of Disney Castle!"

Mickey laughed. "Come on, Goofy, let's be realistic. The only reason you got that job is because the last guy was banished for treason. If you were really the best man for the job, don't you think I would've given it to you first instead of _Pete_ of all people?"

Goofy hesitated. He glanced at Pete, who shrugged. "Uh…well…"

Mickey sneered. "I'll spell it out for you, Goofy: I only gave you that job because I felt _sorry_ for you! That's the only reason I let you hang around me! If I weren't such a kind and giving person, you'd be living on the streets, and your son wouldn't be on the fast track to a high-ranking position in the military! You and your son haven't earned anything you own, I just gave it to you out of generosity!"

"Gawrsh, that…that's not true," Goofy protested. "I've…I've _earned_ that job…I'm a darn tootin' good soldier! Aren't I, Sora?"

Sora nodded loyally. "You're one of the best soldiers I know, Goofy! You'd fit in great with the Crusaders back home!"

"Of course he would," Mickey said snidely. "It's a civilian militia largely made up of paranoid, untrained, uneducated hicks living on a primitive, underdeveloped, backwater world in the middle of nowhere. Sounds like the perfect place for Goofy."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Sora and Roxas shouted angrily, enraged by the slight to their home.

The vile insult also seemed to snap Goofy out of his confusion and discomfort. "You're not His Majesty, King Mickey would never talk like that about anyone! He'd applaud the fact that the people of Sora's world are banding together to defend themselves, not mock their inadequacies or faults, whatever those might be, a-hyuck!"

"That doesn't change the fact that you're a terrible soldier!" Queen Minnie said, morphing from King Mickey. "You did nothing to save us from being absorbed by Oberon! You did nothing to keep Disney Castle's sacred Cornerstone from falling into Oberon's hands! You've failed your monarchy utterly and completely! You should be ashamed of yourself! You're lucky we frown on ritual suicide in Disney Kingdom, otherwise I'd order you to kill yourself for such grievous dereliction of duty!"

"And that's not all," Donald quacked, appearing in Minnie's place. "You're also the least useful adventurer! Whenever Sora, you and I had to fight, you were nothing but dead weight, practically useless! I've lost count of the number of times we might have gotten killed trying to keep you alive!"

"And how many times have _you_ nearly gotten killed keeping _us_ alive?" Sora asked Goofy. "Don't listen to anything he says, Goofy!"

"I don't intend to!" Goofy said firmly. "If all he can do is call me names, then I just ain't gonna listen, a-hyuck! I'm not stupid enough to believe anything he says, not anymore!"

"You're a braver man than I ever was, Goof," Pete admitted reluctantly. "I kinda hate to say it, but…hell, King Mickey shoulda chosen you for the job in the first place. I always thought it should have been yours from the start. I don't know what he was thinking, giving it to me."

"Gawrsh, thanks, Pete," Goofy said, touched.

"Putting yourself down, Pete? Well, that's a first," Maleficent said, transforming from Donald. "At least you're FINALLY being honest with yourself. It's about time!"

"M-Maleficent?!" Pete cried, looking startled.

"You're a craven, pathetic, pitiful, sniveling coward. An utterly worthless waste of space and _fat_ that's caused me more harm than help! I don't know what I was thinking, taking you in!" Maleficent snarled at Pete.

"Pete, don't listen to her, er, him, it's-" Sora started.

"Oh, I'm not worried," Pete said, waving Sora off. "Maleficent says this stuff all the time, she doesn't really mean it."

The other three exchanged glances. "Oh," Sora said.

"Well, guess we know who's wearing the pants in _this_ relationship…" Roxas muttered as Maleficent started ranting at Pete, who pretty much ignored her.

Goofy scratched his head in confusion, looking from Pete to Maleficent and back. "Gawrsh, I thought Pete was the one who wore pants, looks to me like Maleficent's just wearing a dress." Sora and Roxas palmed their faces.

Pete continued not listening to a long tirade of insults from Maleficent, not looking in the least bit bothered as she criticized just about everything about him: his intelligence, his weight, his manners, his eating habits, his personal hygiene, his hairiness, his prowess in battle, his inclination to run from a fight, his expertise in bed, how loudly he snored, and a whole bundle of other things. Maleficent complained about all that and more all the time, so Pete had become rather inured to it. It would take something a lot worse than that to actually hurt him.

So, naturally, something truly painful was inevitable. "If I hadn't needed to do it for sake of appearances and to satisfy my desires, I would _never_ have decided to marry you!"

Pete's heart skipped a beat. "Wait…what? Back up, what was that last one?"

Maleficent's lip curled up in disgust. "You mean you haven't even been _listening_ to me as I explained how pathetic you are for the last few minutes?! Are you deaf as well as stupid, Peter? Allow me to spell it out for you: the only reason I agreed to marry you was because a prophecy foretold that if I did, I could increase my dark powers beyond imagining and bring about the end of all light! That, and also to keep all my annoying suitors and exes from hounding me to take them back."

Pete's jaw dropped. He could feel his heart breaking again, much like it had when he discovered Peg had left him while he was incarcerated pending banishment from the Kingdom. Goofy, Roxas, and Sora exchanged uneasy looks. In a way, they weren't surprised by this tactic. To be perfectly honest, they had thought that something like this might be Maleficent's true motivation for marrying Pete all along. But seeing the look on Pete's face as he heard what must surely have been his deepest fears confirmed, they all wished that it were otherwise. "But…but I thought…I thought you…"

Maleficent threw back her head and laughed long and loud. "You incompetent buffoon! Didn't you hear a single thing I said about you? You have virtually no positive qualities whatsoever! You're ugly, fat, stupid, smelly, eat too much, and can't do anything right! Why, in my father's name, would I _ever_ fall in love with such a pitiful, worthless piece of trash like you?"

Pete's lip quivered. His eyes were tearing up. "I…I…"

"Awwww, is the widdle baby going to cry?" Oogie Boogie crooned in faux baby talk, bloating up from Maleficent. "Bwahahahaha! Go ahead, fat boy, cry! Cry your heart out! Nobody cares, nobody at all!"

"Well, actually, I…" Roxas paused. "Wait, no, he's right. I _am_ a Nobody."

"You actually thought she _cared_ about you?" asked an incredulous Mozenrath, slimming down from Oogie. "You're even stupider than my pet eel, Xerxes, and that's saying something. What made you think that a lowly henchman, practically a _sidekick, _like yourself could ever have a chance with a woman of such class and magnificent evil as Maleficent?"

"You're nothing but chum," whispered Shaga, the next to appear. "Bait. Fish food. Barely even an appetizer. And nobody ever remembers the appetizers once they've had the main course."

"My daughter could marry a far better husband than you!" Maleficent's mother, the Fairy Queen added as she made a brief appearance. "Even all those other villains made a better match than you ever could!"

"You're a total sap," Hades remarked as the Queen vanished in a burst of flame, which also heralded his arrival. "A rube. A figurehead. A prop husband. You get what I'm saying here, Petie-boy? She don't love you, and you don't deserve it anyway! You should just drop dead and die, or kill yourself with that mace, nobody'd miss you!"

Jafar materialized, in his sorcerer guise rather than his genie form. Instead of speaking, he just pointed and laughed at Pete. As did the next villain to appear, and the next, and the next, nothing but a long, seemingly unbroken chain of sorcerers and evildoers, all of whom were handsomer and probably a lot smarter than Pete, all pointing and laughing and mocking him. Sinking deeper into depression, the chubby cat-person-thing sagged lower and lower until the mace in his hand drooped almost to the floor, his face quivering as briny tears rolled down his chubby cheeks.

"What should we tell him?" Roxas whispered to Sora. "I mean, we gotta say something, but…well, it's not as if they're actually _lying_, are they?"

"Roxas!" Sora hissed.

"What? They're not! Probably."

Sora sighed in exasperation and looked at Goofy. "Goofy, you know him better, what should we…Goofy?!"

Goofy was already walking over to Pete. The dog-man-thing looked at the sniffing, miserable cat-man-thing, a determined look on his long features. Then, without warning, he leaned forward and slapped Pete on the face. "Pete, don't listen to a word they're sayin', it's nothing but a load of malarkey!"

"W-what?!" stammered Pete, blinking in confusion, stunned that Goofy had hit him.

"Sure, you got tons of personal problems, we all do, a-hyuck! Heck, look at me, I know I'm not the smartest guy around…I'm even called _Goofy_ of all things, and I've earned that name a hundred times over…but there's more to you than just the bumbling, semi-incompetent oafish evil sidekick everyone sees you as!"

"Gee, thanks," Pete said sarcastically, wiping off his wet face on his sleeve.

"No, I mean it!" Goofy insisted, grabbing Pete's shoulders and gazing into his eyes. "We were neighbors for years, Pete, before you got banished! And before King Mickey made you Captain of the Guard, you tried all sorts of greedy munny-making schemes…and, okay, maybe you still kept doing that occasionally after you got the new job, but…point is, even if you were a dishonest salesman and a…well, not exactly the best of friends…"

"I _really_ like where this is going, Goof," Pete grumbled.

Goofy frowned and shook Pete. "Listen to me! Despite all that, you were a pretty good Captain; you took to it with more honesty and integrity than you ever had as a used car salesman, because you wanted to make the most of the chance the King had given you, to show there was more to you than the greedy con man everyone else saw you as! I'd look at you leading parades or training the troops and think, 'Gawrsh, what I wouldn't give to be that guy, he's got the best job in the world!' And more than that…you've always been a good husband to Peg, and an even better father to your kids. We both know that you might never have thought o' overthrowing the King if you hadn't thought it would impress Peg!" Goofy paused. "Well, okay, you probably _woulda_ thought of it, but you wouldn't have done it. I think."

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…" Pete muttered.

Goofy sighed in exasperation. "But, but, look! What I'm tryin' to tell ya is…even now that you're on the dark side, now that you're a no-good, lowdown, dirty henchman, it doesn't change the fact that you did right by your family all the years you spent with them…even if you did occasionally try to get your kids to do labor for free and do all sorts of sneaky things behind Peg's back. My point is, even with everything you've ever done wrong in your life, even with where you are now, I know and you _have_ to know that out of all of that, you _still_ got it right with PJ."

Pete stirred at that. "P-PJ?"

Goofy nodded and continued, speaking softly. "Your son is one of the finest young men I know, my Maxie's best friend, and someday he's going to do great things and make you real proud of him, Pete. And you know what? If even _half_ of all those nasty things Oberon and everybody else says about you were true, than PJ wouldn't be the good man and soldier we both know he is. You saw how brave he was in the chapel today, Pete, fighting to save Max, Peg, and Pistol. Does he really seem like the son of a worthless, useless, half-witted crook to you?"

Pete thought about that for a moment. "PJ…my boy…"

Goofy kept going. "Maybe you weren't always the best person, Pete…or the best friend, or husband, or father…but I know that deep down you tried. And you know what? PJ wouldn't be as good a person as he is now if it weren't for you being his dad. I believe that, and he does, and you should too."

"PJ…" Pete murmured to himself. He nodded slowly, coming to terms with a few things. "You're right, Goof. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Thinking?" sneered Maleficent. "Since when do you ever think? You honestly believe that just because your son, by some dumb luck and sympathy from those more powerful from him, has managed to turn out better than you ever did—as if _that's_ an accomplishment!—that your life is worth something after all?"

"Shut up," Pete said flatly.

Maleficent looked startled. "What?!"

"You heard me. Shut up. Stop talking. You aren't Maleficent, and I don't know why I ever, even for a moment, thought you were," Pete said. His voice started out calm, but grew angrier the more he spoke. "You haven't told me anything I haven't thought about and worried over a million times in my head, things that keep me up all night tossing and turning in bed. To be honest, I _don't_ know that Maleficent loves me. She doesn't say it much, she's not very good at that sort of thing, but you know what? I don't think I really care. Because _I _love her…or at least, I think I do. And until I see honest-to-goodness evidence to the contrary, I'm going to believe that she does too."

Maleficent sneered at him. "You _idiot!_ You hopeless, lovesick _idiot!_ Get your head out of the clouds and see the truth! You-"

"The Goof's right," Pete interrupted. "I haven't always been the best person, or husband, or father. And I'm evil now, so I'm not sure I'm ever going to be a better man than I used to be. But I'm going to try my darndest to make things better this time with the people I care about. To be a good husband to Maleficent, and a good father…to PJ, and Pistol, and even Nosimono, who thinks I'm his Dad, that crazy but lovable Riku clone." He shook his head. "I'm not perfect. Then again, nobody is, so I guess I'm just a little less perfect than everybody else. But you know what? So are you. No matter how much you think you're better than us mortals, you won't _ever_ be, not while you're still a vain, egotistical asshole with a god complex and a stick up his ass!"

"_What?!"_ shrieked Maleficent. _"How _dare_ you?!"_

"I'm not going to listen to a thing you say anymore, because you're spitting out nothing but lies!" Pete yelled, raising his mace over his head. "So you know what? Let everybody go or I'm gonna show you just how 'worthless' I am by smashing your skull in with this thing! Give everybody back, NOW!"

"That's telling him, Pete, a-hyuck!" Goofy whooped.

"Whoa," said an impressed Roxas.

"I knew he had it in him…deep down, in his heart…" Sora said, a proud smile on his face.

Maleficent bristled, her face twisted in rage. That face flickered, however, and turned back into Oberon's, sitting in his throne once more, his mind games at an end. "So…I see that is how it must be. I tried to offer you a swift death by making you so hopeless you would kill yourselves, but if you wish to die by my hand, then so be it!"

"Wait, _that_ was his plan?! He was trying to make us so emo we'd want to slit our wrists or something?!" asked an incredulous Roxas. "God, what an _idiot._ That's one of the stupidest plans I've ever heard, and I worked for _Xemnas_ of all people!"

"I thought he was an evil mastermind," said a confused Sora.

"Remind me to tell you sometime about his plan to get more funds for the Organization by having everyone else sell Heartless Scout cookies," Roxas said flatly.

"Uh, fellers?" Goofy said.

"Yeah?" said Sora.

"Not sure you shoulda said that thing about him being stupid, he didn't take that very well," Pete said anxiously.

He was right. Oberon's eyes were flashing red, the air was warping around him, and an enormous mass of very dangerous-looking wild and chaotic magic was forming behind him. "Oh, shit," Roxas said.

"We _really_ have to work on teaching you when to keep your mouth shut," Sora said in frustration just as Oberon sent the immense wave of deadly magic towards them.

The chaotic wave was composed of raw energy pieced together from all the different forms of magic Oberon had blended together within himself. As a result, it was very unstable, very dangerous, and would probably obliterate the quartet the instant it made contact with them.

Fortunately, that didn't happen, since Merlin had safeguarded the four heroes (well, two heroes, one antihero, and a villain) in advance, so the wave just washed right over them without causing any damage. Oberon gaped. "What?! How is this possible?!"

Roxas smirked, the talismans Merlin had given Sora (duplicated by the two of them splitting up) glowing with heat under his shirt from the protection it had granted him against the lethal magic. "Sorry, it'll take a little more than that to kill bad boys like us."

"Merlin gave us protection before we came in here to keep you from just killing us off as easily as that!" Sora said with a grin. "So if you want us dead, you'll have to dirty your hands and do it yourself."

Oberon's complexion darkened and he gritted his teeth. "That meddling wizard…how dare he interfere! His time will come soon enough!"

"Not if we have anything to say about it!" Goofy said, swinging his shield through the air.

"If you aren't gonna give everyone back, we're gonna _make_ you do it…preferably by beating the crap outta you!" Pete said menacingly, patting the end of his mace in one hand.

Oberon smirked, threw his head back, and laughed. "You imbeciles. You really do wish to throw your lives away, don't you? I can't say as I'm surprised. Since you mortals have such short lifespans anyway, why bother trying to live longer by playing it safe instead of just giving in?"

"It's because we care more for the people we love than we care about our own lives that we're willing to risk anything for them!" Sora retorted.

Roxas nodded. "Even a Nobody like me, who doesn't have a heart of his own but has to share it with another, can understand that!"

"But I bet you don't, Oberon," Pete taunted. "You've probably lived so long that even if you _did_ have people you loved, you're so attached to your immortality by now that you would never even _think_ of giving it up to save them!"

Oberon sneered and slowly rose to his feet. "As usual, your thoughtless words only underscore just how little you know." He stood at his full height, cape swishing behind him. "Allow me to show you the true limits of your mortality and understanding!" He dramatically thrust his arms out to his sides…and, before their horrified eyes, in a flash of light two Keyblades appeared in his hands: Riku's Way to the Dawn, and Kairi's flowery Keyblade that they had never really been able to definitively decide on a name for.

The quartet gasped. "What? No way! He can't have Keyblades!" cried Roxas.

"And what's he doing with _those_ ones?!" Sora growled, enraged that Oberon would use his friends' weapons against them.

"Ah, but these aren't all I have!" Oberon taunted, as a second pair of arms sprouted from his sides, Nosimono's dark Keyblade and King Mickey's Reverse Kingdom Key forming in his new hands. "Do these look familiar, I wonder?"

"Gawrsh, that's King Mickey's Keyblade!" Goofy hollered.

"And Nosimono's! How'd he get them?!" a stunned Pete wondered.

Oberon laughed, slicing his stolen weapons through the air. "I wield the power of _four_ Keyblades…and once I kill you all and absorb your magic, I will have even more! The power of the true Keyblade Master will be mine, and then nothing can stop me, not even the Ruler of Hell!"

"How the heck can he use those?! I though Keyblades couldn't be stolen!" Roxas said in disbelief.

"It must be because he absorbed Kairi, Riku, the King and Nosimono into himself," Sora reasoned. "Since their magic and hearts are a part of him now, so are their Keyblades!"

Oberon nodded. "Correct! I'm surprised you figured that out!"

"Oh, I think you'll find we have more surprises than that in store for you!" Roxas taunted, crouching into a fighting stance, Hellblazer held out before him. "Especially when you see how easily we're gonna kick your blue elven heiney!"

Oberon laughed. "Don't be so certain it's not _your_ heiney that will be kicked!" His form blurred and split to the sides, and suddenly, there were three white-eyed, four-armed, Keyblade-wielding Oberons before them.

"What the-" cursed Roxas.

"How the heck did he do that?!" wondered Goofy.

Pete groaned. "Great, like one of him wasn't unbearable enough already…"

Laughing, the three Oberon clones blurred and then split to the sides again, duplicating themselves and creating a total of nine Oberons. Then those Oberons split into three, and those clones divided, as did the ones after that, and after that, until the quartet found themselves surrounded on all sides by a veritable army of Oberon duplicates, all of them laughing menacingly and clattering their Keyblades against each other, creating a great racket. Standing back to back, weapons out, the four heroes slowly rotated around to look at the great number of Fae Lords surrounding them.

"They're everywhere!" said Sora.

"Which one's the real deal?" wondered Roxas.

"Who cares? Any one of 'em looks dangerous enough, if you ask me!" Pete cried.

"Then we'll just have to knock 'em all down until there aren't any left to bother us, a-hyuck!" Goofy decided. "Just like in the Great Maw at the Battle for Hollow Bastion! Remember that, Sora?"

"How could I possibly forget?" Sora quipped. "There were more enemies there, though."

Goofy nodded. "Yeah, but they were weaker, whereas Oberon is stronger, so that evens things out. I think."

"So, you're saying we should handle this in the same way?" Sora asked the knight commander.

"Yep, that's what I was thinking," Goofy agreed.

"Okay then. On the count of three, we split up and take on the fifty or so Oberons each of us is facing. If one of us finishes faster than the others, go help out the fighters that are having trouble. If Oberon's still kicking when we're done mopping up his clones, we gang up to beat him together," Sora said.

"I like that plan. Especially the part where we get to beat the shit out of Oberon," Roxas said gleefully.

"Me too," Pete agreed.

"Okay, then. On three," said Sora.

"One," said Goofy, narrowing his eyes.

"Two," said Pete, tightening his grip on his mace.

"Three!" Roxas said, grinning gleefully at the thought of all the havoc he was about to cause.

"BREAK!" Sora yelled. The four leaped forward in separate directions, rushing towards the masses of Oberon clones before them while howling battle cries. The army of Oberon duplicates shouted as well and charged towards them, raising their Keyblades. The army of many clashed with the band of four, and the final fight was joined.

…

Elsewhere…

The three armored knights watched solemnly as Sora and Roxas rushed towards the battle which just might be their last. The tallest of the trio crossed his arms over his chest. "And so it begins…"

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

Oberon is on a seemingly unstoppable rampage that could potentially destroy the universe, or at least a large part of it. Three of the six monsters created to ravage Dark City have been defeated, but the remaining three may be the toughest yet. And Sora, Roxas, and their friends have begun what could be their last battle.

As worlds die and heroes face their greatest struggle yet, can Sora and his allies end Oberon's mad quest for power? And what has Satan been plotting? What effect will it have on the Lord of the Third Race?

And will Sora or Roxas indeed die, as the mysterious watchers have predicted one of them might?

Find out next time….


	13. MagiCrisis pt 2: Satan's Trump Card

After all the buildup in the last chapter, you know this has to be good.

…

Disclaimer: I own very few of the people and concepts in this chapter. Those that I did not conceive of belong to other people, or were inspired by other things. Thanks go to ninetalesuk for writing the hilarious Royal Knights bit. If the bit of astronomy regarding black holes in this chapter is incorrect, I apologize; I tried doing research to make it as accurate as possible, but I don't think I got it totally right.

…

Neverland.

Halloweentown, and all the other holiday towns.

China.

Japan.

Babylon.

Egypt.

Pride Lands.  
The Caribbean.

Shangri-La.

Lemuria.

Laputa.

Asgard.

Middle Earth.

Wonderland and Looking-Glass Land.

Midkemia.  
The Hundred.

Releeshahn, Myst, and all the other worlds of the D'ni.

Azeroth.

Draenor.

Hyrule.

Arcadia.

Mushroom Kingdom.

Gaia.

Terra.

Vana'diel.

Baten Kaitos.

Symphonia.

Eternia.

Sauria.

Dinotopia.

Mata Nui.

The Moorlands.

Hogwarts.

Tortall.

Citagazze.

Illium.

Discworld.

Earthsea.

Krynn.

Gor.

Pern.

Pylea.

Vision.

Thra.

Nirn.

And far too many worlds named 'Earth'.

These, and so many other places, fell before Oberon's might. Their champions, inhabitants, and even villains struggled mightily against the Fae lord, but none could stand against him. He quickly drained the worlds of all their magic, leaving them little more than hollow, empty, shells of their former glory. Those that he did not outright destroy, anyway.

He had consumed heroes and villains, gods and mortals, wizards and witches, sorcerers and sorceresses, magicians, monsters, dragons, genies, spirits, and every other variety of magical being and artifact he could get his hands on. At first he had spared the elves, dryads, nymphs, and sprites that owed allegiance to him as members of the Third Race and therefore were his kin. But as his power grew, so did his appetite, and soon they joined all the rest of his victims within the Crystal of Ix. His excuses of gaining power just to help his people become the dominant power in the universe were forgotten as Oberon collected more and more magical energy, and soon he began taking power for power's sake, to satisfy his insatiable desire for magic. The insanity he had inherited from his mother, Queen Mab, deepened its hold in his mind as he shattered world after world and took their magic, sending him spiraling further down into utter madness.

After destroying Landover, Oberon naturally set his sights on Fairyworld, deciding it was time at last to bring a reckoning to the upstart pixies and fairies who had rebelled so long ago and broken out from their rightful place under his heel. He hit the poor fairies like a sledgehammer, obliterating their capital city and killing billions with his mere presence. Thousands more died of fright when they realized that Oberon had come at last, as they had feared for ages that he would. The strongest fairies and creatures in the land tried to stand up to Oberon, but not a one of them, not even the invincible Jorgen von Strangle, could prevail. And after he had had his fun, slaughtering billions and crushing the glittering cities of Fairyworld into ruin, Oberon at last, almost mercifully, unleashed the power of Ix, absorbing everything that was Fairyworld and making it a part of himself. And since the entire world had been constructed out of magic by the fairies themselves to make a home for their kind, soon that world was no more; it had been converted entirely into pure energy and devoured by Oberon, along with its many inhabitants.

And Oberon laughed triumphantly, for he had finally prevailed over the insolent separatists who had broken off from his rule eons ago. And Satan, who had sworn to defeat him, was nowhere to be seen. It seemed as if nothing could stop Oberon. He was nearly all-powerful, and totally invincible.

At least, that's what he thought, until he decided to pay the wizard Yen Sid a visit in his tall tower atop a floating island hovering over a towering mountain range rising from an ocean of clouds and mist that spread out to the near horizon in every direction. The sorcerer supreme had mystical defenses so great that they actually gave Oberon a moment's difficulty to dispel, even with the power of the Keyblade and his numerous other magicks on his side. But dispel them he did, and he loomed over the crooked tower, gazing down at its many turrets and windows and blue conical roofs, his feet firmly planted in the valleys hidden by the clouds far below so that he could easily glare at Yen Sid's citadel from his towering height without needing to fly or reduce his size. It was more a demonstration of power and intimidation than anything else, of course "YEN SID!" Oberon bellowed, the subsonic rumble of his voice shaking the planetoid and causing avalanches and earthquakes all over the place, the floating tower vibrating beneath his vocal barrage. "I HAVE COME FOR YOU!"

A large window shaped like a crescent moon placed in the upper reaches of the tower swung open, and the master mage Yen Sid peered out. He was an old man with a great beard and long blue robes, much like Merlin. Unlike Merlin, his robes were longer and seemed slightly more refined, and he stood much taller, his hair and beard were still richly gray, and his wide eyes were filled with a wealth of power and knowledge as they intensely looked out at the world from over his aquiline nose. Just from looking at him, the average observer would be unable to tell that he had been ancient long before Merlin was born, and stood a great chance of outliving the other famous wizard, should he survive his encounter with Oberon that day. He also had a conical blue wizard's cap with yellow stars and moons studding the sides. It greatly resembled the top of his tower, in fact…or was it the other way around? "Oberon," Yen Sid said calmly, nodding at the enormous elf in acknowledgement. "I have been expecting you."

Oberon sneered at the human (at least, he thought Yen Sid was human) wizard. His appearance had changed radically as a result of all the conflicting magical energy within him. His form had gotten even bigger and bulkier, making his musculature look almost comically overlarge and immense. It was amazing he could even move with all those muscles piled atop muscles bulging out from his body. His skin had turned almost translucent, allowing his blood vessels, capillaries, muscles, and bones to be seen underneath a seemingly thin blue sheet. His rather handsome elfin features didn't look nearly so attractive now that his underlying skull and facial muscles were visible, as well as his swollen bloodshot eyeballs, looking almost like glowing round calcified pebbles with all the cataracts growing on them. His visible interior pulsated, swelled, and shifted disgustingly as sparks of yellow, green, red and blue light moved along hidden channels networked all over his body, flashing rather erratically as static crackled between them. His pointed ears had grown much longer, their tips extending far out to the sides and their lobes hanging down to his neck. His nose had become longer and crooked, looking almost like a hook, the cartilage making it up visible through his semitransparent skin. Some of his teeth had grown into tusks, jutting out from his mouth and curving up or down, glowing runes carved into their yellowed surfaces. His elegant clothes had transformed into thick golden-plated armor engraved with runes and bristling with spines and spikes, some of which were bloodied and others had what looked like dead fairies impaled on them, some stacked in the dozens on top of each other like vegetable bits on a shish-kebob. The armor may have been shiny and polished at one point, but now it seemed tarnished and covered with rust. Despite its seeming solidity, parts of it bulged out and moved fluidly, as if something unshapely was shifting around just underneath its surface. A long white cape hung down from his shoulders, his flaxen hair, which had gotten much longer, flowing down its length in a shimmering spun-gold mass nearly to his ankles. Six wings like those of a dragonfly grew from his back, each one rainbow-colored and made of pure magical energy, with rather twisted and vile-looking strands of corrupted power flowing through them, and most of his body for that matter, throbbing visibly between his veins.

And if all this wasn't formidable enough, masses of greenish crystal, its composition looking similar to that of the Crystal of Ix, seemed to be emerging randomly in places all over his body, jutting out in twisted spikes and glowing ominously, chaotic energies crackling along their length and causing his aura to twist and roil about like a thing alive. An evil thing. It was clear that all the power Oberon had absorbed was taking its toll on him, but if the Fae lord noticed or even cared, there was no sign of it. Yen Sid shook his head pityingly.

"I suppose you have come for my magic, then," said the great wizard.

"I see the rumors of your wisdom are not unfounded," Oberon sneered arrogantly, his mutated tusks glistening in the starlight shining down on them. Yen Sid nodded, unsurprised. "Will you fight me, wizard, or will you make this easy for both of us and just give in?"

Yen Sid shook his head. "I will not fight you, Oberon. I see no point."

Oberon grinned triumphantly. "Then you know that you would have lost? I commend you, Yen Sid, you are even wiser than I thought."

Yen Sid shook his head. "No, Oberon. I'm not going to fight you because I know I'd lose. I won't fight you because I've already won."

Oberon blinked. "What?! What is this foolishness?!"

"Surely even you must have noticed by now the cataclysmic chain reaction beginning inside of you, Oberon," Yen Sid said. "If you continue absorbing magic, it will not be long before the energy inside you reaches critical levels and explodes, destroying you and a good portion of the universe."

Oberon snarled. "You're feeding me _that_ line? Satan tried the same trick. I have full command of my power, and my body! Nothing happens within me that I do not know of or allow to happen! This so-called 'cataclysm' you are all so afraid of will never occur!"

Yen Sid sighed and shook his head sadly. "You overestimate yourself greatly, Oberon. I am unsurprised by this. It is this foolish pride and overconfidence which shall be your downfall." He frowned. "But it does not have to end this way, you know. The Powers that Be have authorized your termination for the horrible crimes you have committed…but if you end your mad quest for power and release all your energy before it is too late, so that it may flow back to the worlds you have ravaged and repair the damage you have caused, you may yet be forgiven, and you may not meet the unspeakably gruesome end which Fate has set in store for you at Satan's hands."

Oberon sneered. "Satan?! I have defeated Satan! I left him floating in pieces in the rubble of Ivalice! Even if he survived that, he has done nothing to prevent me from taking the magic of the last few hundred worlds I have visited! He has gone crawling back to that Pit he calls home with his tail between his legs like the craven coward he is, fleeing before my undeniable power!"

Yen Sid shook his head. "You are wrong. Satan is, at this very moment, preparing a weapon which will not only weaken you but delay the fatal energy buildup within you for a little longer, buying the universe…and Sora, who is at this moment battling within you to release the magic you have stolen…a little more time."

Oberon did not bother asking how Yen Sid knew all this. The wizard was well-renowned for his seeming omniscience. "Even if this is true, he cannot possibly defeat me! Especially not with all the power I have gained since Ivalice! It is inevitable that he will fall! Not even the Master of Evil can defeat me now!"

Yen Sid smiled sadly. "Would you believe that, in all your prior matches, he has been _holding back?_"

Oberon flinched and recoiled, visibly horrified by the possibility and what it meant for his pride. "Preposterous! What reason would he have to do such a thing?!"

"Unleashing his full power…or even a significant portion of it…would crush you, but also leave him tired for a time, and hinder many of the plans he has been setting into motion over the years," Yen Sid explained. "And aside from that, the delay was also to allow his minions more time to finish an objective he has given them…one which is even now striking a grievous blow against something most dear to you. If you end this madness now, you might still be able to stop it."

Oberon immediately dismissed the idea. "Ridiculous. I do not believe a thing you are telling me. I will continue absorbing the magic and power which is rightfully mine, and I shall use it to crush that pathetic demon and bring order to this sad, chaotic, mortal-infested universe."

"If it is mortals you are after, then why have you killed or absorbed so many others? Why have you even attacked settlements of your own kind?" Yen Sid questioned. "How is _that_ helping the Third Race? How is _that_ bringing order to the universe?"

"I need not explain myself to the likes of you," Oberon said coldly, his temper rising. His aura writhed and flickered around him.

"You don't even know yourself, do you?" Yen Sid asked, looking as if he actually felt _sorry _for Oberon. "You've lost all your morals, all your rationale and reasoning. All that's left is a bottomless hunger, a never-ending thirst for more power and magic which will inevitably end in your total destruction. So it has been written, so it shall be."

"Silence!" Oberon snapped, losing patience with the wizard's ceaseless prattling. "I have grown tired of your lies. Prepare to become one with me! With the magic of the almighty Yen Sid on my side, I think even Satan would have trouble defeating me again, no matter how powerful you claim he really is! IXTALA!" There was a great flash of green light, the many crystals growing from his body glowing brightly…

And absolutely nothing happened. Yen Sid was still standing in his tower, the world was still filled with color, and Oberon had gotten no new power at all. His jaw dropped, stunned. "Wh-what trickery is this?! How have you not been captured by the power of Ix?!"

Yen Sid smiled plainly. "I told you, Oberon. I've already won. I knew you were coming, and I knew there were three things I could do in response. I could fight you, and possibly even defeat you, but it would take a devastating toll on the fabric of the universe, and I am not as careless about the lives I might endanger as you and Satan are. And in any event, the task of slaying you has been given to him, not myself, as he is one of the few beings capable of doing it without potentially damaging the balance of the universe more than it has already been disrupted…though he would certainly love to disrupt it even more, if he could. My second choice was to flee you, which would have been useless because you would have been able to track me anywhere in the universe and would have led to my eventually being forced to fight you anyway. So, that left me only one alternative." His smile grew into a broad grin. "I willingly cast off all my magic, all the power and knowledge I have obtained over the ages, and sent it to a faraway place, along with my entire library and every possession, no matter how powerful or mundane, which I had collected here in my tower. Everything is gone. You will never find it, Oberon, and someday it shall go to a worthy individual who will use it for a good cause in the battle against evils such as yourself."

Oberon reeled back in horror. "No! IMPOSSIBLE!" he cried in denial. But already he knew it to be the truth, his senses, which he had ignored upon coming here, told him that Yen Sid and his tower indeed possessed no magic. There wasn't even any magic left in the floating rock supporting Yen Sid's tower, Oberon saw now that it was levitating thanks to anti-gravity engines and the moon's lesser gravity. There was not a single bit of magic anywhere to be found on the entire planetoid, other than the general energy flow being emitted by the heart of the world that every decent life-supporting hunk of rock possessed, but its power was too basic for him to harness unless he augmented the Ix crystal's energy drain using the Heartless and Keyblade power he had incorporated into himself, which he had certainly not done just a moment ago. He hadn't really done it much before, either, partly because he was still trying to figure out how the Keyblade's true power worked, and partly because he was wary of using too much Heartless power and becoming a mindless creature of darkness. Not that his pattern of magic-eating would have changed much, but he would prefer to keep his wits about him while doing it rather than becoming a ravening idiot animal. "Why…why would you do such a thing?! Why would you ever choose to throw away such magnificent power?!"

"To keep it from you, of course. And also…" Yen Sid looked at Oberon pityingly. "Because only the truly powerful are willing to let go of their power whenever they wish to, to put it aside for another day or for someone else to find. That is what makes them great. And that is why those like you, who cling to their power out of greed and paranoia and always seek more, will always be the weakest in their hearts."

This was not what Oberon wanted to hear. With a howl of rage at being thwarted and denied, he began gathering power to him. "You wretched, cowardly, overreaching hedgewizard! I will kill you for this!"

"I would expect no less," Yen Sid said unworriedly. "However, I will be the only one to die here this day. I already evacuated the inhabitants of this moon to a place where you cannot touch them, and have taken measures to protect the planet we are currently orbiting from being harmed by you as well. If it is more magic you want, and I know it is, you shall have to look elsewhere, for you will not find any here."

Oberon bellowed in impotent fury as he heard this, but Yen Sid ignored him and kept talking, not seeming to be bothered by the deadly power Oberon was summoning. "If you intend to kill me, there are two things you must know, Oberon. First of all, by slaying me, you will seal your fate. Whatever suffering that shall come to you before the end will be of your own doing, even if Satan is the agent who will carry it out. You will know that you could easily have prevented what will come, but did not out of hubris, and you shall pay the price for that.

"Second, to paraphrase an old friend of mine: 'By striking me down, you shall make me more powerful than you could possibly imagine.' I have lived too long to be afraid of death. I am actually looking forward to it, so that I may see what mysteries lie beyond. I thank you in advance for giving me the opportunity to further my knowledge in this manner." Yen Sid smiled benignly at the insane Fae lord. "Farewell, Oberon." That smile remained on his face even as his skin was blasted off his bones, and his bones were then reduced to atoms which were scattered across the stars, as the enraged Oberon obliterated the moon and everything on it in a blast of devastating, unstoppable power.

Still furious, and craving the magic he had been denied, Oberon sought out the planet Yen Sid's moon had orbited, the world on which Castle Oblivion and the towns of Traverse and Twilight were built, only to find there was nothing there. It was as if the entire planet had just disappeared without a trace. Knowing Yen Sid was behind this, Oberon shouted his outrage and humiliation to the uncaring stars. He tried to use his far-reaching senses and incredible power to determine where the planet had gone, but he could not. Yen Sid's precautions had apparently done a very good job of making the world disappear while Oberon had been occupied blowing up its moon. He had no idea where the planet had gone, and had the vague and unhappy feeling that he might never find out, either.

Unless he became still more powerful. There were many reasons he told himself for why this was the case, all of them true…to him, anyway: to defeat Satan, to avenge his slighted pride and find that which Yen Sid had spirited away from him, to bring order to the universe, etc, etc. None of these reasons, or rather excuses, really mattered overall. When you boiled it all down it basically came to the conclusion that he craved, no, _needed_ more power, and clearly draining the worlds of their magic one after another wasn't going to be enough to make him as powerful as he desired. There had to be a faster way, a way to drain all the worlds of their power at once and become supreme and utterly undefeatable…

He had it. Chuckling maliciously, Oberon teleported away, knowing exactly where he needed to go to fulfill his ambition.

…

The Power Rangers from Radiant Garden were not doing any better against King Leo than they had been the last time we checked up on them. In fact, if anything, things were going _worse_.

Stitch was still lost in space. Yuffie's awesome ninja skillz had had no effect on King Leo's force field. And as for the other four Rangers…

Well, the huge amount of colorful scrap and broken robot animal parts littering the area attested to how well they had been doing against the monster. Every Zord, Megazord, and Ultrazord they had hit the transformed Prince John with had failed and eventually gotten blown apart by its own deflected attacks. Tron and Cid both lamented the loss, well aware of how long it was going to take to repair all of these broken robots, especially since most of them had only _just_ gotten better after having been destroyed by a vindictive Yuffie when Cid originally refused to build her a Megazord of her own.

What was even more humiliating was that King Leo had still not had to lift so much as a _finger_ to defeat the Power Rangers, since they were doing such a good job of destroying themselves. "You guys _suck_!" King Leo taunted, laughing at the Rangers as they continued pounding helplessly against his indestructible barrier. "You're the worst bunch of Power Rangers since…uh…Dino Thunder! Bwahahahaha!"

"What? That bastard! How dare he say that?!" Yuffie said angrily.

"Yeah, comparing us to a bunch of losers like those punks…how low can a guy go, huh?" Cid agreed, growling under his helmet and wishing he had a cigarette. Or a stick of dynamite. Or both.

"How dare he insinuate we were as pathetic as that bunch?! His suffering shall be slow and agonizing…" hissed Aerith, the red eyes on her helmet glowing.

"Enough talking," Leon snapped. "Let's just find a way to penetrate that force field already. Tron?"

Tron sighed in exasperation. "I'm sorry, Leon, but I _still_ haven't found a way for you to break it, not with your current Zords and configuration, anyway."

"Then what good are you?" Leon asked bluntly.

"Leon!" cried an appalled Tifa.

Tron bristled indignantly at that comment. "I'm sorry, Leon, but I'm not the one who's losing Zords at such an _embarrassing_ rate!"

"Maybe we wouldn't be losing them if you sent us better ones," Leon retorted. "Or, better yet, if Cid hadn't built Zords that weren't so useless."

Cid stiffened at that. "Leon, kiddo," Cid growled. "Do you _want_ me to ram my lance so far down your throat that it comes out your ass?"

"I would love to see that," Aerith purred evilly.

"Me too!" Yuffie added.

Tifa quickly interjected before things could get even messier. "Tron, you said that you hadn't found a way we could do it with our current Zords. Does that mean you _have_ found a way it could be done by different means?"

Looking relieved to be talking to someone more polite than Leon, Tron nodded on the computer screen he was being displayed on. "That's correct, Tifa. I've estimated that the force field can withstand just about anything up to a nuclear strike. However, if something smashed into it harder and faster than…let's see…a falling asteroid roughly a third as large as Radiant Garden's citadel, the incredible velocity combined with the force of impact should be enough to disrupt the shield's molecular cohesion and cause it to dissipate, leaving King Leo vulnerable."

"So…in other words, the only way to crack this hard-boiled eggshell is with a bigger hammer," Cid translated.

"Essentially, yes," Tron agreed.

"And where exactly would we get this bigger hammer?" asked an intrigued Aerith.

"That…I'm not certain of," Tron admitted sadly. The Rangers groaned in frustration and disappointment.

"Well, we're certainly not going to get it in this thing," Leon grunted disdainfully, displeased with the Megazord they were currently using, since all the others had been wrecked.

He had ample reason to be displeased. The Zords making it up had been taken from the bottom of the barrel, designed on somewhat obscure, unpopular, or lesser-known animals and vehicles because Cid had used all the good ones on the other Zords. The Megazord's left arm was a large spiky green Sea Cucumber, with the fist protruding from the long green blob's main orifice. Yes, the same one that regular sea cucumbers used to vomit out all of their insides to make a quick escape when attacked by predators. Fortunately, the Sea Cucumber Zord had yet to mimic its much smaller organic counterpart in this regard; otherwise it would not be in working order or part of the Megazord. The Megazord's right arm, on the other hand, was a yellow Hissing Cockroach Zord, its long limbs folded against its sides and into its body to keep them out of the way, an elbow joint splitting its fat metal form in half, with a hollow metal glove planted over its head to create a fist.

The giant robot's chest was made up of the main body and head of the pink Elephant Zord, with the limbs sticking out down and to the sides to serve as joints for the four 'arm and leg' Zords to attach to, while the head rotated down ninety degrees to form a not-really-fearsome-looking chest plate with tusks and trunk. Aerith had initially vetoed the elephant, with good reason, but by that point they had lost just about every other Zord available, so had no choice but to include this one. When asked why the hell he had made a pink Elephant Zord, Cid replied, "I was drunk at the time."

The Megazord's left leg was a Zebra Zord. Or at least, it was _supposed_ to be a Zebra, even though it was blue with gold stripes rather than white with black. Or was it gold with blue stripes instead of black with white? It was always so hard to tell, with zebras. Anyway, its head and neck, pivoted upwards from the body at an angle that would snap most peoples' necks, formed the giant robot's foot, while the rest of the Zebra's body made up the leg, its equine limbs folded into its sides. Cid had made a lewd comment about how the Elephant Zord's left leg was inserted into the Zebra's body at a rather inappropriate place, but then Tifa had hit him and he shut up. The giant robot's right leg, on the other hand, was a red Squid. It was upside-down, with the arrow-shaped tip of its mantle flipped on a hinge so that it became a foot, with the rest of the robot's body mass making up the lower leg. A pair of large doleful eyes stared out glassily from the sides of the robot, and its long cable-like tentacles had wrapped themselves tightly around the right hind limb of the Elephant Zord to connect the two robots together and create a stretchy, but sturdy, right leg. Cid refrained from saying anything inappropriate about this Zord involving tentacle hentai, remembering how much it had hurt when Tifa had hit him just a second ago.

The final Zord was a rather small one, the White (and gray) Pigeon, which perched on top of the Elephant-torso and folded itself up to form a rather cross-eyed robot face wearing a pirate hat. When asked why there was a pirate hat, Cid said, "I was drunk when I made that one, too."

Altogether, the rather mismatched and garishly colored Megazord had been dubbed the "Piece of Crap" Megazord by Cid, and the "Combo" Megazord by Tifa, who was uncomfortable with the older man's language. Aerith, Leon, and Yuffie personally thought Cid's name captured the spirit of the giant robot better.

"Perhaps if we launched this pile of garbage into orbit, then bailed out when we were right above King Leo, it would plummet down and smash into his force field hard enough to break it?" Aerith suggested.

"Hey, that's _my_ piece of junk we're talking about here!" Cid snarled. "Had to build almost all this damn stuff by myself…though what I was thinking when I did that, I can't quite recall…"

"I'm afraid that won't work," Tron said. "The robot's mass is more than enough, but you wouldn't have nearly enough speed if you just dropped it on him. It might have a better chance of working if you tried flying at him full throttle from very high up…though I doubt it, your current Megazord can't fly, and even if it could, it wouldn't be able to build up enough velocity to destroy the shield."

Cid sighed in frustration. "Damn, if only we still had the Supersonic Screamer…and Yuffie hadn't crashed it into the castle a few weeks ago and thoroughly trashed it."

"Well I had to; you wouldn't give me this cool backup Zord!" Yuffie said happily. Her Ninja Star Megazord was currently standing on top of an immense support vehicle she had summoned by playing a huge guitar, a gigantic robot toad she dubbed "Gamabunta." Gamabunta croaked in agreement. By combining her Megazord's power with the mecha frog's incredible fusion reactors and heavy weaponry, she was able to unleash a devastating onslaught against any foe…and, sadly, it still wasn't strong enough to destroy King Leo's shield. (And if you're wondering when Yuffie learned to play the guitar, she hadn't, her attempts at jamming with the thing were almost as awful and discordant as Dynasmon's singing.)

"You're the Devil's Child, you know that girl?" Cid snarled.

"No she's not," Aerith said. "I would know."

Cid sighed in exasperation. "Dammit, you know what I mean!"

"Tron, will the Supersonic Screamer be operational anytime soon?" Leon asked the sentient computer program.

Tron grimaced. "No, because I sent it to you a little while ago. You used it to form the Overtech Ultrazord and, well, blew it up trying to penetrate King Leo's shield. I think it's that pile of scrap lying next to the remains of the Hedgehog Zord."

"Oh," said Leon.

"Cid, no offense, but you made an awful lot of Zords…" Tifa told the Blue Ranger. "It's kind of hard to keep them all straight."

"Were you drunk when you designed all of them, or just a few?" Aerith said snidely.

"Of course not!" Cid yelled angrily. He paused. "Well…maybe a little…"

"So, Tron, what are you saying?" Leon demanded. "That we can't even scratch this thing, no matter what we do?"

"Well…yeah, pretty much," Tron confessed.

"I won't accept that," Leon said bluntly, switching off the communicator and cutting off a startled Tron's protests. "We'll just keep trying until something works! This is our first real battle, and we will NOT give up! Sora wouldn't, so neither will we! After all, if we gave up, how could we ever become better than him?"

The others groaned as he made his determined speech. "Seems to me somebody's a little _obsessive,_" said Yuffie, rolling her eyes.

"You know, they say that the definition of a fool is someone who tries the same exact thing repeatedly, despite the fact that it's failed every single time," Aerith commented.

"Shut up," Leon snarled, which only increased Aerith's resolve to brutally kill him later. "Can we use this Megazord's sword?"

"I don't think it'll be any more effective than the last two dozen we tried," Cid said sardonically, glancing at the pile of broken giant swords lying nearby.

Leon's resolve didn't falter for a moment. Unfortunately. "In that case, let's try the Tentacle Drill Kick!"

"Who comes up with the names for these moves?" Aerith complained.

"You did," Tifa reminded her.

Aerith blinked. "I did? Oh. Yes, I remember now. How disgusting. I can't believe I was ever that sappy."

The Combo (or Piece of Crap) Megazord took a few steps back, and then launched into a flying kick at King Leo. The right leg suddenly extended, the Squid Zord's tentacles elongating and propelling the mecha-cephalopod's mantle at the lion monster, the arrow-headed tip of the foot spinning like a drill. The drill shot towards King Leo and collided with his force field. Sparks flew up as the drill frantically spun against the lion's barrier, causing the air around King Leo to shimmer and ripple from the impact, but the monster did not seem very worried. He yawned, actually, confident in the strength of his force field to protect him.

His confidence was well-founded. After a few minutes of angrily trying to penetrate the force field, the drill tip finally broke, part of the Megazord's foot snapping off and arcing into the air, spinning like a buzz saw as it came down and nearly took off the head of Yuffie's Megazord. "Hey, watch it!" she yelled angrily, her robot shaking its fist at the other Megazord, which had fallen to the ground on its back due to the utter failure of its drill kick. "There are people here who don't have a death wish, you know!"

"They have a name for people like that, you know," Leon said coldly. "I believe they're called 'cowards.'"

Yuffie stiffened. "_WHAT_ did you just call me?!" Gamabunta croaked menacingly and glared at the Combo Megazord.

"Uh, Leon? Might not be a good idea to insult the hyperactive hotheaded ninja girl riding a giant robot frog with enough weaponry to destroy a small country," Cid said anxiously.

"It's that powerful?!" asked an incredulous Tifa. "What were you thinking, giving her something like that?!"

"She was destroying all my Zords and Gummi ships to force me do it!" Cid protested. "I had no choice! Well, that, and she also stole all my liquor. And cigarettes. What else could I have done?"

Aerith cackled evilly. "You mortals are so pathetic, with your ridiculous 'addictions' which will only lead to you dying horrible deaths from lung cancer or liver disease."

"Don't they have alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes in Hell, too?" Tifa asked.

"Yes," Tifa admitted. "But we demons have much hardier constitutions than most people, so it doesn't really hurt us much in the long run. And we can stop doing it whenever we want, unlike mortals, who need years of therapy and even then never really get over it."

"Now I'm starting to wonder if I should sign up to sell my soul…" Cid muttered to himself.

"Cid!" cried an alarmed Tifa.

"What? The ability to drink and smoke as much as I want without people saying, 'Cid, stop smoking, you're killing the flowers!' or, 'Cid, stop going out and drinking all night, you're setting a bad example, plus, you're a hazard to yourself and everyone in town when you try flying while drunk!' or, 'Cid, according to these X-rays, if you smoke one more pack of cigarettes your lungs will collapse due to all the rot and black gunk in them, and if you drink one more quart of hard liquor your liver will explode!' is something I'd definitely sell my soul for! Is it so bad for a man to want to fulfill his vices without people always yelling at him that it's wrong, wrong, _wrong?!_" Cid ranted.

"Yes," said Tifa. "Especially when it destroys your life and the lives of everyone around you!"

"Bah!" Cid 'bahed'.

"Don't listen to her," Aerith hissed seductively, pushing Tifa out of the way so she could get closer to Cid. "Now, you say you want to sell your soul? Tell Aerith all about it…"

Meanwhile, Leon and Yuffie were still arguing. "What the hell are you thinking, calling me a coward?!" the kunoichi demanded of Leon.

"You're doing nothing to help us, you're just sitting there on your giant frog watching while we beat our brains out against this thing!" Leon retorted angrily.

"That's because I've already _tried_ everything I have in my considerable repertoire of ninja arts, and you know what? _Nothing works on this thing!_ So, rather than try and repeat something that hasn't worked already, which would just make me look like a fool…or you…I'm opting to just watch and see if anything _you _do has any effect, so I can then capitalize on it and take this one-eyed freak out!" Yuffie yelled back.

"Hey, don't call me a one-eyed freak!" King Leo complained, sniffing. "That…that really hurts my feelings! I'm sensitive, don'tcha know!"

"Oh, shut up!" Leon and Yuffie both yelled at him, causing King Leo to yelp and burst into tears while the two Rangers continued shouting at each other.

Tifa sighed and rubbed her head, feeling a severe headache coming on as Leon and Yuffie argued loudly and Aerith tried to draw Cid to the dark side. Looking up and out through the cockpit's main monitor, she saw a twinkling light in the solid black skies far above them. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight…I wish I may, I wish I might, have the strength to win this fight! Without my teammates killing each other, that is."

"Tifa, we're in the Realm of Darkness," a puzzled Tron told the Yellow Ranger from a screen on her console. "There are no stars here."

Tifa blinked. "Huh? Then what's that thing up there?"

Tron frowned. "Hmm. Good question. It can't be any of the ships floating around up there, they should have drifted over the horizon by now, too busy affecting repairs to maintain geosynchronous orbit. Let me magnify that using my sensors, it looks like it's…_growing_…"

The screen on Tifa's console switched over from Tron's face to a live video feed of the black sky she had just been looking at, a single point of light twinkling in the darkness and slowly growing larger. The video suddenly zoomed in on the stellar object, filling the screen with a starburst of blurry blueish-white light. Tron ran a program to clear up the image's resolution, revealing the true identity of the mysterious phenomenon. Tifa gasped. "That's not a star…that's…"

"STITCH?!" the other three Rangers, who had crowded around her to see what was going on, cried in astonishment as they saw what was pictured on Tifa's console.

It was indeed. They could just make out a tiny red speck, surely Stitch's Magna Stitch Majiin, steadily growing larger, surrounded by an enormous energy nimbus which, on closer examination, was actually a tremendous amount of rocket exhaust being vented from the giant robot's powerful thrusters. "I knew he'd be back!" Yuffie said cheerfully, watching the same thing in her cockpit. "He came from space, after all, it only makes sense he'd be able to find his way back through it!"

"YEEHAHAHAHAHA!" Stitch cackled madly inside the cockpit of his robot, which was shaking and rattling severely. Red lights flashed and warning sirens blared to alert him that he was pushing the Magna Stitch Majiin past its limits, and it was in danger of breaking up due to extreme stress and the speeds at which it was moving or exploding from how he was overheating the engines to get so much thrust out of them.

"It looks like he's coming straight for us…how far away is he?" wondered Aerith.

"He's…several thousand kilometers from your location, almost straight up," Tron calculated. "And eating up that distance fast!"

"Fast enough to penetrate the force field?" Leon suddenly asked.

"I…" Tron's eyes widened in realization. "Yes! Yes, I do believe he is! If he keeps coming down at his present angle of descent with that much speed, his impact should be strong enough to shatter the barrier! And…vaporize all of you in the resulting explosion. I would recommend you get out of there as fast as you can! Then again, the blast will be so large, the only way to be completely safe is if you got several hundred miles away from the point of impact before it hits, and I don't think there's any way you can do that in time!"

"Uh-oh," said Tifa. "Then…won't everyone else in the city be destroyed as well?! There has to be something we can do to save them!"

"Don't worry," Yuffie said reassuringly. "We got this! Isn't that right, Gamabunta?" The giant frog ribbited in agreement and nodded. "Just get to safe cover; we'll take care of everything!"

"All right. We're counting on you, Yuffie!" Leon said.

"Uh, am I the only one who's worried that we're relying on _Yuffie _to save the day?" asked an anxious Cid.

"Yes," said Aerith.

"Huh? Hey, where are you guys going?" asked a confused Leo as the Megazords and giant frog ran away from him. "Come back! I'm not done mocking you guys for being unable to hit me yet!" He frowned, hearing a loud high-pitched whining of some sort from overhead. "And what's that weird noise?" He looked up and saw Stitch in his giant robot rocketing down towards him at unimaginable speeds, wreathed in flames, a corona of rocket exhaust shooting from the mecha's engines in a tremendous mass which dwarfed the robot itself, propelling the Magna Stitch Majiin at King Leo like a guided missile. King Leo shrieked like a girl and soiled himself. "WAAAAHHHH! O-okay, n-now's not the time to be scared, come on, pull yourself together, th-there's no way that thing's strong enough to penetrate your barrier…you're invincible, right? _Right?_"

"MEEGA NALA KWISTAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Stitch howled insanely, laughing with evil glee as his cockpit burst into flame and controls melted all around him. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The rocketing robot, impossibly, actually seemed to be moving _faster_ now, the giant tail of exhaust streaming behind it like the plume of a comet. King Leo screamed shrilly and crouched low to the ground, hands over his head, as Stitch shot down and collided with his force field.

There was a tremendous explosion which shook the entire planet, the shockwaves and seismic upheavals from the impact tearing apart buildings, ripping up streets, and knocking over all the other giant robots and/or monsters in the area. Even Maleficent's castle, floating above everything, got buffeted by the shockwaves, and was almost knocked out of the sky. An immense mushroom cloud rose from the spot where Stitch had smashed into King Leo, a tremendous dome of flaming destruction rushing outwards to consume everything around it, be it shattered skyscraper or hapless mecha.

"Yuffie, get out of the way, it's too dangerous!" Tifa yelled to the kunoichi, whose Megazord was fearlessly standing atop her frog Gamabunta directly in the path of the wave of total destruction.

"No, stay there! Save us!" Cid protested. "I don't wanna die!"

"I am not ready just yet to join my master in his kingdom of eternal sin! There is still so much evil I have yet to commit in this world!" Aerith cried.

"Yuffie…you can do it. You can be a hero. You can be BETTER THAN SORA!" Leon roared. The others groaned and rolled their eyes.

"Okay, you ready, Gamabunta?" Yuffie asked her support Zord. The giant frog croaked to tell her that he was ready. "Okay, then here we go!" The Ninja Star Megazord made a series of complicated hand motions. "Power Absorption Juutsu!" Several glowing Japanese kanji appeared in the air before her.

Gamabunta ribbited loudly and opened his mouth, inhaling deeply and creating a vacuum which sucked air, debris, and quite a lot of other things into his mouth. In fact, the vacuum was so strong that it actually drew the cloud of explosive death towards him and into his huge maw, halting its expansion and forcing it to divert all its mass and energy into the stomach of the giant frog. Everyone watched in astonishment as Gamabunta, still inhaling, proceeded to _eat_ the explosion, sucking the fire and light and destruction into his mouth, causing the mushroom cloud to reverse its ascension and shrink back down until it, too, was drawn into the frog's gaping jaws. It took several minutes to get it all, but finally Gamabunta swallowed the last of the explosion into his body and closed his mouth shut. In place of the cloud of fiery death, all that remained was an enormous, low-walled, smoking crater rising in the near distance from a plain of glass, the rock and metal of the city having been melted and fused solid from the heat of the blast.

Everyone stared in disbelief at what had just happened. "Wow," said Gosalyn finally.

"You don't see that everyday," agreed her giant father.

"Kupo…" whispered Mog in awe.

"Unbelievable…" murmured Gallantmon.

"Good heavens!" uttered Mechanicles.

"Zounds," said Zurg.

"I've never seen anything like that," said a dumbstruck Tifa.

"Hoo-wee, do I know how to build these things or what?" Cid said, glowing with pride.

Gamabunta's metal amphibian body had bloated up like a balloon due to all the energy he had absorbed. "Nice job, buddy!" Yuffie said proudly, patting the top of her frog's head. "Now, let's let all that energy go, shall we? You'll get a stomachache if you hold it all in like that!"

Gamabunta rumbled in agreement from deep in his chest, and opened up a hatch on the nadir of his body. With a sound much like a very loud fart or whoopee cushion, a huge cloud of steam was expelled from the hatch, rising into the air and dispersing into the atmosphere, the mighty Zord shrinking in the process until he was back to his regular size. He belched once, and then fell silent.

"_Ex_cuse you," Tifa said, somewhat annoyed by the frog's impoliteness.

"Uh, Tifa, it's a Zord. It can't talk," Cid pointed out.

Tifa flushed under her helmet. "…Oh. Right."

"Is it just me, or has Tifa become a lot more…_girly_…since I became a demoness?" Aerith wondered.

"Hey yeah, she has, hasn't she?" Cid realized.

"I have not!" Tifa protested.

"Yes, you have," Aerith argued.

"She must be compensating for your transformation by becoming a sort of…whaddya call it…feminine role model to Yuffie? You know, since you aren't one anymore," Cid continued.

Aerith nodded sagely. "Ah, yes, that makes perfect sense."

"Would the two of you stop talking like I wasn't here?!" Tifa said angrily.

"No," Cid and Aerith said simultaneously.

"Shut up, both of you," Leon said flatly. "Yuffie, good job there. I doubt Sora could have done any better."

Yuffie blinked. "Well, he wouldn't really be able to, since he doesn't have a way to contain or absorb explosions like I do, but thanks."

"Is Stitch alive? Or the monster?" Tifa wondered, changing the subject. "That was an awfully large explosion, even if Yuffie did sort of get rid of it."

"I'm picking up a heat signature from the crater," Tron reported. "It's climbing out now…it's…yes, it's Stitch!"

The Magna Stitch Majiin was, incredibly, still intact, albeit severely scorched, burnt, dented, its third arm was missing, and the fourth was hanging from its socket by a few cables. "Woo!" Stitch said as his robot staggered down the crater slope, sparking and smoking. "Do it again!"

"Stitch, that was incredible!" Yuffie told the little blue alien. "Totally kamikaze!"

"Cid, why are Stitch and Yuffie's Zords built with more durability, weaponry, and apparent care than ours?" Leon asked Cid accusingly.

Cid hesitated. "Uh…because Yuffie wrecked the other Zords and withheld my smokes and liquor to blackmail me into making hers that strong, and Stitch got me to make his super-powerful and nigh-indestructible by threatening to eat my vast collection of porn magazines and flicks if I didn't."

"I must remember to do that in the future," Aerith commented. "Then I can get whatever I want from you without resorting to agonizing torture. Though I might do that anyway." Cid swallowed nervously.

The Magna Stitch Majiin swayed a bit. "Stitch indestructible!" the alien slurred. "Now…Stitch go to sleep. Bye-bye." The giant robot fell on its face and slid down the crater slope, piling up dirt in front of its head as it went until the ground leveled out a little and the mecha slowed to a stop, leaving a nice, lengthy trench behind it. Stitch's very loud snoring could be heard over the Rangers' intercoms.

"Awww, isn't that precious? He's sleeping like a baby," Yuffie cooed.

"Yes, an ugly, blue, hairy baby," Aerith said disdainfully. "Whose snores could even drown out the screams of the damned in my Master's realm."

"I thought you liked Stitch," said Tifa.

"Oh, I do. I just don't like his snoring," Aerith replied.

"Ah," said Tifa.

"Oh no!" Tron cried in alarm. "I'm picking up a second heat signature in the crater!"

"WHAT?!" the others cried.

"No…there's no way he could have survived that!" Cid protested. "There's just no fucking way!"

"Apparently, there is," Aerith said. "Behold! King Leo comes!"

And so he did. King Leo marched out of the smoke billowing out from the top of the crater, his regal clothes and sun disk pristine and unblemished (save for several unsightly stains caused by him emptying his bowels in his pants), looking completely unharmed from having Stitch smash into him like a meteor. "Bwahahahaha! Try again fools, you've failed again!"

"Dammit!" Leon cursed angrily, while Cid and Aerith both spouted much fouler and viler expletives. Tifa was too stunned and despairing to remind them not to curse in front of Yuffie.

"This is ridiculous!" Yuffie said angrily. "What do we have to do to kill you already?!"

"Nothing you do can defeat me!" King Leo boasted as he continued dramatically striding down the slope of the crater. "When will you learn that I am completely and utterly invincib-" He tripped over the snoozing Stitch Majiin and fell head over heels, wailing as he tumbled down the slope, the other Rangers watching in astonishment. "Oof! Ow! Uh! Erk! Unf! Ugh! Oh! Ah! Eeh! Ack! Whoa! Ouch! Mmph!" He landed flat on his face at the bottom of the slope and lay there for a moment, limbs sprawled out. "Ow. That hurt."

The Rangers glanced at each other in disbelief. "Did…did he just…" started Tifa.

"Did that actually _hurt_ him?!" Yuffie finished.

"His shield must be down!" Cid cried.

"And that means…" said Leon.

Aerith laughed malevolently, the eyes on her helmet gleaming. "We can make him suffer for how he's humiliated us…"

Slowly, ominously, the Zords started closing in on King Leo. The lion groaned and got back to his feet, rubbing his snout. "Ow…that hurt…wait, I hurt?! But that must mean…" His eyes widened in horror. "Oh shit."

Yuffie laughed evilly as her toad advanced, her robot cracking its knuckles. "Oh yes…we're going to make you _hurt_, you stupid little kitty-cat! No offense to Cait Sith. I love cats. Just not ones that are also giant pains in the ass!" Gamabunta croaked menacingly and licked his lips with a giant prehensile tongue, as if to say he was going to eat King Leo like a big fly…or explosion.

"It's time to take you down once and for all," Leon said coolly.

"It's too bad we already broke all our swords, otherwise we would use one to skin you like the cat you are! Or gut you like a fish! Or maybe we'd ram it down your throat! Or up your ass!" Cid said gleefully.

"You're awfully bloodthirsty today," said an uncomfortable Tifa.

"Well of course I am, did you see how many of my Zords that $#&# thing wrecked?!" Cid snapped. "Ohhh, I'm gonna take 'em all out of this sucker's hide, just you wait!"

Aerith cackled evilly. "How glorious. I shall assist you! This monster's soul shall writhe in agony for an eternity in the deepest bowels of Hell once we are through with it!" King Leo squealed in terror when he heard this.

A little ways back up the slope, Stitch groaned, got back to his feet, yawned, and rubbed sleep and dirt out from his eyes. Or the robot's eyes. Whatever. "Mmm…gabba?" He noticed the other Zords closing in on King Leo. "Ooohh, bootifa!" He eagerly started scampering down the crater slope towards the penned-in lion, his fourth almost-severed limb flailing against his side as he ran on all fours towards his teammates. (Whom he planned to punish severely after they were through with King Leo for forcing him into a ball and causing him to get launched into space. He'd spare Yuffie, though, because she had no part in what happened, and he liked her. He'd also spare Aerith, because she was hot. Moreso now that she was a demoness.)

King Leo quivered in fright, getting the distinct feeling that he was going to be experiencing a hell of a lot of pain any moment now. He glanced behind him and saw Stitch was coming, so knew there was no way out that way. If he was going to escape, he would have to do it quickly, before all three (four, counting the frog) robots had him surrounded. He took a deep breath, and prepared to use his ultimate technique. "Okay, you should know it's never a good idea to corner a predator—OHMIGOD, LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S ELVIS!" He pointed wildly behind the Combo Megazord, Ninja Star Megazord, and Gamabunta.

Leon snorted. "Please, like we're going to fall for that one."

"Yeah, that's one of the oldest tricks in the ninja manual!" agreed Yuffie.

"What, do you think we're stupid or somethin'?" Cid snorted.

"Ooh, Elvis? Where?" Stitch asked, getting up and looking around eagerly for any sign of his idol.

"And with that, I'm off! Exit stage right! Yoink!" King Leo quickly ran off while Stitch was distracted looking for Elvis and the others were distracted looking at Stitch.

"Dammit, he's getting away!" Leon said angrily when he realized they had been tricked. Stitch cursed vehemently in his weird alien gobbledygook, enraged that King Leo had escaped because of him.

"Yeah, and he's going the wrong way, that's stage left! I think…" said a puzzled Yuffie, scratching her head. "I can never remember which way is which."

"Me neither, confuses the hell outta me," Cid grunted in agreement.

"After him! We can't let him get away, not after everything we went through to break through that shield of his!" Tifa said furiously, pounding a fist on her console and denting it by accident.

"I shall feast on his soul before this day is done!" Aerith howled demonically.

"He's not going to get away…let's go!" Leon said decisively. They started running after King Leo, a surprisingly swift Combo Megazord in the lead, with Gamabunta carrying Yuffie on his back right behind it, and the damaged Magna Stitch Majiin following in last.

"Hey! Wait for Stitch!" the blue alien yelled, trying to catch up to them in his partially wrecked robot. "Meega want to kill kitty too!"

"Gottagetouttahere, gottagetouttahere,gottagetouttahere…" King Leo muttered frantically under his breath as he ran pell-mell, looking all over the shattered and broken cityscape for a place to hide. He soon spotted one of his fellow magically mutated monsters, currently locked in combat with Moogletron. Despite being bigger and more intimidating, the monster crustacean didn't seem to be having much luck against the Trade Federation's robot hero. "Oh, look, it's Destroyah! He'll save me!"

He quickly started running towards the crab-dragon, who was angrily lashing out with its tail at Moogletron's ankles in an attempt to knock the mecha over. Instead, Moogletron hopped over the sweeping tail and kicked the monster in the face as he turned back around, causing Destroyah to stumble backwards, smashing through a few toppled buildings behind him. The monster hissed angrily and spat a spray of explosive micro-oxygen at Moogletron, but the robot ducked low to the ground to dodge the burst and launched its rocket fists at the monster, giving it a one-two punch in the face and smashing a few of its teeth. The crustacean staggered about, dazed, as Moogletron stepped back to prepare for its finishing move.

And then King Leo got in the way. "Hey, Destroyah, buddy! Pal! Think you could give me a hand here? I've got a bunch of angry Power Rangers hot on my tail, and-"

"Hey, get out of the way, kupo! We're trying to perform an attack here!" Mog yelled angrily.

"Huh? Oh, sorry." Without thinking, King Leo stepped back, leaving Destroyah open for Moogletron to charge towards, lashing out with its sword four times and carving a stylized 'M' in the crustacean's chest. Destroyah howled in agony, yellow eyes rolling back in his skull. "Wow, nice technique."

"Thanks, kupo." Moogletron stepped back and turned away from the monster, posing dramatically as the beast toppled over behind it and exploded when he hit the ground. "Victory!"

"Ooh, pretty. Wait, that's not good," realized a terrified King Leo. "Now who's gonna save me from the Power Rangers?! AAAAAHHHH!" He ran off, flailing his arms wildly and yelling at the top of his lungs.

The crew of Moogletron stared after the lion as he ran away. "…That was a strange kitty, kupo," Mene said.

"Kwehkweh!" agreed Boco.

"Wait, that lad was no big cat, he was a giant monster!" cried the horrified Ivan Robotfighter. "What're we doing just standing around, lads? We cannae let him get away! After him!"

"Kupo, you're right!" yelled an alarmed Mene.

"Kwehkwehkwehkweh!" squawked Boco.

"…" said Frailea.

"Uhuhuhaaahhhhhooooouuuuuhhhuuuooo," (I want to pet the kitty) moaned Umaro.

"Let's go get him, kupo!" Mog said determinedly.

Stopping only long enough to retrieve the unconscious Sebastian from the steaming bits of charred shell that was all that remained of his monstrous other form, the giant robot Moogle warrior set off after King Leo. The Power Rangers' Zords soon caught up to it, and they quickly joined forces to continue their pursuit of the cowardly lion.

"Shitshitshitshitshitshit—HEY! There's Crickettor!" Spotting the easily recognizable top hat of his other compatriot, King Leo changed course and discovered… "Hey, you're not Crickettor."

"No, I'm not," agreed Zurg in his Zurgrex. "I defeated him and took his hat. Do you think it looks good on me?"

"Yeah, makes you look pretty distinguished," agreed King Leo. There was a pause. "Wait. You beat Crickettor. Which means…AAAAHHHHH!" He ran away, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Zurg blinked and scratched his head in puzzlement. "What was that all about?" It was at that moment that Moogletron, the Combo Megazord, Gamabunta, and a lagging Magna Stitch Majiin ran by as well. "Hmm, this could prove to be interesting. Let's take a closer look, shall we?" He followed after the other robots.

"Crickettor's gone, Destroyah's gone, who else is there?! Dammit!" King Leo whimpered pathetically as he frantically searched for another giant monster who could help him. Instead, he found Darkwing. "Hey! You! Duck in the filthy purple outfit!"

"Yeah, whaddya want?" Darkwing asked, turning to face the lion.

"Are you an evil monster created by Lord Oberon?" King Leo asked hopefully.

"No, but I killed one. He's just back there," Darkwing said, pointing at a disgusting mass of dried blood, guts, and splattered flesh covering a large area off in the distance.

"Well, technically, _I_ killed it, you were being strangled to death," Gizmoduck pointed out from Darkwing's hands.

Darkwing rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"Oh, COME ON! This isn't fair!" King Leo moaned, turning and running away.

"What was his problem?" wondered a confused Darkwing.

"He seemed to be in a wee bit of a hurry," murmured Scrooge.

"Maybe we should go after him?" Gosalyn suggested. "I think that was one of the other evil monsters. Shouldn't we help defeat him?"

"Nah, I'm sure the others have it under control." As he said that, all the other giant robots, including the one-legged Mechanicles Jr. MK IX, riding piggyback on the Magna Stitch Majiin, ran by, shaking the earth with their footfalls. "See? What'd I tell you? Nothing to worry about."

"Can I ride in your hands now?" Glomgold asked meekly from where he was dangling at the bottom of Darkwing's giant cape. "I'm getting tired; these skinny old arms aren't as strong as they used to be. I don't think they can hold on much longer…"

Darkwing smirked evilly. "Sure, but it'll cost you one hundred munny."

"DW!" cried a horrified Launchpad.

Darkwing frowned. "Hmm, you're right, that's asking for too little. Better make it two hundred."

Negaduck rolled his eyes. "And here I thought _I _was the greedy extortionist of the two of us…"

"Milk him for a thousand, Dad! You know he's good for it!" urged Gosalyn.

"Aren't heroes supposed to be altruistic and…uh…whatever the word for not being interested in money is?" asked a confused Launchpad.

"There's altruism, and there's paying the bills. And the mortgage. And the insurance. And Gosalyn's current and future education. And the repairs for all the planes you keep crashing," Darkwing said flatly. "Unless you want me to start counterfeiting or robbing banks like some people we know, I have to get the munny for all that from somewhere. It's not like my job pays much or anything."

"Hey, what is your job, anyway?" asked a curious Gizmoduck.

"Aye, lad, ye've never mentioned what ye do when ye're not being Darkwing Duck," added an equally interested Scrooge.

Darkwing flushed. "Um…well…I'd rather not talk about it…"

Gosalyn laughed. "Oh, you're gonna love this! When he's not wearing the mask and cape, what he does is-"

We interrupt this important revelation as to what Darkwing Duck does in his mild-mannered alter-ego of Drake Mallard to bring you more of King Leo's cowardly panic.

"What'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna do?! WHAT'M I GONNA DO?!" wailed King Leo as he ran desperately from the horde of mechas chasing him. "Crickettor, Xerxes, Destroyah, and probably Abu Kong are down, and I've got a bunch of angry giant robots on my tail! Unless I find Mushuzilla or another evil giant monster fast, I'm toast! Oh, there he is now."

Mushuzilla was, as King Leo had observed, still alive. And being hounded by the brilliant Gallantmon Crimson Mode, as well as…Imperialdramon Paladin Mode? Wait, didn't he suffer a severe power failure and shut down last chapter due to Duftmon breaking loose and savaging Dynasmon, forcing Gallantmon to fuse with Grani to battle Mushuzilla while Omnimon's component parts searched for the fallen Omega Sword? How'd the Knights get the great dragon back up and running, magic sword in hand?

To find the answer to this question, we must go backwards…in TIME!

_Doodly-doop, doodly-doop, doodly-doop, doodly-doop…_

Several minutes ago, deep within the bowels of Imperialdramon….

"Ow!... would you... ow!... stop... ow!... hitting me... ow!... with that... ow!... mallet... ow!... all the time!?" Craniummon yelled as he and Crusadermon ran down the dimly lit corridor to the engine room, Crusadermon whacking him every step of the way with a mallet. Dull red emergency lights shone down on the two Knights, their glare turning everything a rather ugly puce, rather than the lovely shade of crimson adorning Gallantmon's Mode Changed armor or even the eye-catching red of Mushuzilla's scales.

"It's your fault that my beloved is in danger and our wonderful, beautiful, amazing Imperialdramon is at the mercy of a giant red dragon!" Crusadermon said, punctuating each word with a bonk from her mallet. "Besides, it's either me with this mallet or my beloved and his fists when he finds out how Duftmon broke free to attack him..."

"Point... ow!" Craniummon muttered. "Where did... ow!... you get... ow!... that mallet... ow!... from anyway... ow!?"

"I got it from the Emergency box..." Crusadermon explained. "You know, the one that says 'In Case Dynasmon has a Spare Megaphone, Use this Mallet'?"

Craniummon grumbled. "I wonder where it says 'Bash Craniummon with this Mallet in Case he has Done Something to put the Royal Knights in Danger'?"

Crusadermon scratched her chin in puzzlement, pausing in her assault on Craniummon's…cranium. "There's no room on the glass to write all that down..."

"Never mind..." Craniummon muttered, rubbing his sore head. They stopped at a door with yellow and black striping on the frame. "Here it is! The Engine Room!"

Crusadermon clutched her hands anxiously. "I hope my beloved is okay..."

Craniummon began inputting a sequence into a keypad next to the sealed door. "Dynasmon'll be fine... he's the kind of guy that would walk through a hallway of atonally singing Etemon just to buy a megaphone..."

"Didn't he do that once? Just last week?" Crusadermon recalled.

Craniummon sighed. "Yes... when there was a special offer. 'Buy one Megaphone, get one free'...he got a total of twelve, and we have yet to destroy them all."

"So, what are the chances of saving my dearest from Duftmon?" Crusadermon asked.

The sealed door slid open as Craniummon finished entering the code sequence. The knight peered through the doorway and into the Engine Room. He glanced back at the pink warrior. "Well, erm... Crusadermon, go and find an Emergency box that says 'In Case of a Leopard Attack, Use any Damn Thing You can Find on Him'..."

"There isn't one... Oh, I had prayed my one and only would be all right..." Crusadermon wailed, falling to her knees dramatically as a spotlight switched on overhead to illuminate her. "I mean... isn't he one of the strongest of the Royal Knights in terms of physical strength?"

Craniummon blinked and glanced back into the Engine Room. "Oh, that would explain why Dynasmon is finally fighting back... and putting Duftmon in a headlock..."

"WHO'S THE DADDYMON NOW!? EH?! EH!? EH?!" Dynasmon bellowed, one arm wrapped tightly against the roaring Duftmon's neck while he used his free hand to give the leopard a noogie.

Crusadermon clasped her hands with joy, tears streaming down her face…even though she didn't have any visible eyes... "Ohhhh, my soulmate has survived! I knew he would fight back!"

Craniummon scratched his head in disbelief. "I just remembered…Dynasmon once claimed he wrestled a SaberLeomon to the ground for committing a horrid act...I suppose it's not impossible he could do the same to a raging Duftmon Leopard Mode."

"What was the despicable deed that foul feline committed?!" Crusadermon gasped. "Did he attack a preschool of In-Training Digimon!? Wipe out a Labramon clan?! Join forces with the Seven Great Demon Lords?! Steal Lady Ophanimon's lingerie?!"

Craniummon stared at Crusadermon. "No…he crushed Dynasmon's megaphone by accident..."

Crusadermon whipped out her rose and made a dramatic pose as another spotlight shone down on her from thin air. "O Dynasmon, brave warrior, strong and noble and just..."

"SAY 'UNCLE', YOU SMELLY CAT!!!" Dynasmon roared, still viciously noogieing poor Duftmon.

"Yes...noble..." Craniummon muttered. "That's the perfect description for Dynasmon…"

Duftmon snarled viciously. "NEVEEEER!!! I'LL NEVER SUBMIT TO A PILE OF HORSE MANURE LIKE YOU!!!"

"Hey! I resent that!" Sleipmon snapped.

"Oh, sorry..." Duftmon muttered.

Craniummon glanced at Crusadermon. "Come on; let's put an end to this..."

Crusadermon nodded. "Right...I'll help my beloved win his fight!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!!!" Craniummon snapped.

A few moments later...

Craniummon was pinning Duftmon to the ground using the full strength of his massive, armored body…by sitting on him. "I'm sorry, my friend, but this is for your own good."

"I'M CALM! I'M CALM!" Duftmon yelled, clawing at the metal floor in a futile attempt to pull himself out from under the heavy Craniummon. "Just get off and let me breathe!!!"

Craniummon sighed and got up. "OK... Just leave Dynasmon alone..."

"AIIIIIIIIR!!!" Duftmon gasped as he scrambled out of Craniummon's shadow, huffing and puffing to refill his crushed lungs. "OK... I'll go back to running on the treadmills... just get this idiot out of here!"

Craniummon nodded. "I don't think that'll be a problem..."

Crusadermon was crouching at a weary, somewhat mangled, and heavily bitten and scratched-up Dynasmon's side, holding a rose to his face. "O Dynasmon, noble warrior that breathes the air of purest hearts..."

"Ah... ah... ACHOO!!!" Dynasmon sneezed, blowing the rose away from Crusadermon's hand and sending petals flying all over the place. "Oohhh... Crusadermon, you know I'm allergic to roses..."

Craniummon sighed. "He's back to normal..."

Sleipmon rolled his eyes, continuing to run on the treadmill. "No, he was normal during the fight..."

Craniummon stared at Sleipmon. "Normal!? We threw him into the wall getting him off Duftmon, and all he said was, "What's up, doc?'"

Sleipmon pointed at Dynasmon, who was now blowing his nose on one of Crusadermon's ribbons and regaling her with a totally falsified tale of how he had Duftmon beaten right from the very start, making sure to portray the leopard warrior in the most cowardly and villainous light. Duftmon snarled angrily, his tail twitching, as he contemplated attacking his nemesis once more and wondered if Craniummon could sit on him again before he got in at least one good bite. "Hello...this is the guy who keeps commandeering the public address system back at HQ at least once a week to force everyone to listen to whatever horrible new song he's taken a fancy to."

Craniummon blinked. "Touche..."

Sleipmon reached out towards the bundle of carrots dangling before his treadmill. Sadly, they were still out of his reach. "Dammit. Anyway, Duftmon, you've got my respect."

Duftmon blinked. "I have?"

Dynasmon nodded, leaning on one of Crusadermon's shoulders as she helped him up off the ground. "You have my respect as well..."

"I HAVE?!" Duftmon gasped incredulously.

"He has?!" Crusadermon asked, almost dropping her lover, so great was her astonishment.

"Huh. Dynasmon complimented Duftmon. Will wonders never cease?" murmured an amazed Craniummon.

"Don't say things like that, you'll jinx us!" hissed Sleipmon.

Dynasmon nodded. "He has... I mean, he still had the strength to viciously attack me after wrenching that incredibly strong harness off the wall, a feat even I would have had trouble with. That harness was made of triple-reinforced adamant Digizoid. Hell, Imperialdramon could use it for ice skates! And you managed to rip it out just like that; I've never seen anything like it in all my years as a Royal Knight! It was really something!"

Sleipmon rubbed his eyes. "Imperialdramon on ice…I'm trying not to picture that..."

Duftmon laughed with joy, bouncing up and down gleefully, acting more like a leopard cub than a mature and experienced warrior. "I did it! I've got some respect now! Even if people still mock me because of my smell or my stupid name, they can't argue that I don't have incredible strength, not since I managed to rip that triple-reinforced adamant Digizoid harness off the wall with nothing but my sheer rage and bottomless hatred for Dynasmon!"

"Well, there's another reason you were able to do that..." Crusadermon said reluctantly. "The nuts and bolts holding the harness to the wall WEREN'T made of triple-reinforced adamant Digizoid..."

"They weren't?!" Sleipmon asked in disbelief. "What were they made from, then?!"

Crusadermon sighed. "Cheap, flimsy materials..."

"FLIMSY!?" Dynasmon yelled. "I ALMOST GOT KILLED BECAUSE SOMEONE USED FLIMSY NUTS AND BOLTS ON TRIPLE-REINFORCED ADAMANT DIGIZOID?!!?"

Crusadermon nodded. "Yes..."

Duftmon scoffed. "And what kind of idiot used flimsy nuts and bolts on a harness made from triple-reinforced adamant Digizoid designed to hold me back in the first place?"

"He's leaving the room now," Crusadermon said, pointing to Craniummon as he quietly tried to sneak out through the exit.

Craniummon froze, sweating a little. "Erm... Alphamon needs me and..."

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIUUUUUUUUUUMMOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!!" Dynasmon bellowed, leaping towards Craniummon with his claws out.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Craniummon screamed.

Later...

"Wow! Look at Gallantmon go!" Magnamon said enthusiastically, watching the flying knight battle the raging fire dragon. "He's the Hero of the Day!"

"WHAT?!" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"And you're the Yeller of the Day..." Magnamon grumbled.

Alphamon sighed. "I'm worried about Imperialdramon. It'll be a huge blow to us all if he dies. I don't want to see another member of our team pass away..."

Magnamon frowned and nodded. "Yeah... I miss the three Knights we lost to the Heartless... if only..."

Suddenly, the entire room started to glow, the almost dead lights overhead brightening up to illuminate the control center.

"What in the!?" Alphamon gasped. "What's going on?!"

Magnamon glanced at his monitors. "I...I don't believe it! Power's back up at... 15 percent! No, 50! 80! 95 percent! Sleipmon must be getting some help down there! WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!"

Alphamon chuckled and leaned back in his chair in relief. "Good! Now, when the others get back from the Engine Room, here's what we'll do... we'll get back on our feet, pick up Agumon and Gabumon, and reclaim the Omni Sword! We must help Gallantmon defeat the dragon!"

Magnamon saluted. "Yes, sir!"

"WHAT?!" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

Crusadermon walked into the room with one of the other Knights. "We should install an Emergency box that has 'In Case UlforceVeedramon is Getting Annoying, Knock Him Out With this Very Big Hammer' written on it..."

"Crusadermon, good job!" Alphamon said. "And the same to you, Cranium…wait, you're not Craniummon!"

Duftmon, in his normal Knight form, waved. "Yo."

"Duftmon, why are you here?" Alphamon asked in confusion. "What's going on?!"

Duftmon sat down in his usual seat and lounged back, putting his feet up on his console. "Well, first of all, Dynasmon and I won't be arguing for a little while..."

Magnamon blinked. "Permission to facefault in disbelief, sir?"

Crusadermon groaned. "And see a nude dragon on the ground? Denied, denied!" She paused to think about that for a moment. "Then again, it is said by some artists that the greatest beauty can be found in the naked body…" She glanced at Magnamon again, looking him up and down. "On second thought, I think they're probably wrong about that." Magnamon scowled at her.

"Duftmon, does this mean you and Dynasmon will finally become friends?" Alphamon asked skeptically. This was too good to be true. Either there was a catch, or this was not Duftmon, but someone impersonating as him. Or Dynasmon was dead. Or he had somehow stumbled into a parallel universe where Duftmon and Dynasmon got along and…the majority of the Knights were still dysfunctional and immature beings constantly needing his intervention to keep from killing themselves. He found himself wondering whether either one of the hypothetical universes would really be that much better than the other.

He was relieved when Duftmon laughed and explained everything. "You wish... it won't be long before Dynasmon and I go back to trying to kill each other again. But for the moment I've gained his respect by pulling my harness off the wall and viciously mauling him. However, it won't stop him from making fun of my tail... or odor…"

"WHO CUT THE CHEESE?" UlforceVeedramon yelled, sniffing at the air with a disgusted look on his face.

Duftmon palmed his face. "Looks like Dynasmon has a replacement...joy…"

Alphamon rubbed his chin. "I'm curious, though... if you're here, then who's running on your treadmill? And where's Craniummon?"

Duftmon chuckled. "Oh, making up to Dynasmon for putting his life in danger..."

In the engine room...

Sleipmon chuckled pleasantly as he ran on his treadmill. "It's a lovely day for a jog, isn't it?"

"No, it's bloody not!" Craniummon, who was running on Duftmon's vacated treadmill, yelled. "You've got SIX legs! I only have two! That makes a total of eight between us, and it's not enough to keep Imperialdramon's power levels up!"

Dynasmon walked over to Craniummon's side, holding the most intelligent of the Knights' weapon, the double-bladed spear Claíomh Solais. "Why did you think I asked to borrow your weapon?"

Craniummon gulped. "I dread to discover what you're planning..."

Dynasmon chuckled. "Sleipmon, would you like to see what I have in mind?"

"Sure... it'll entertain me!" Sleipmon said. "Probably more interesting than trying to get these damn carrots, delectable though they may be!"

"Why are you siding with him?!" Craniummon demanded.

Sleipmon tapped his chin. "Well, let's see... who was the one who suggested to Alphamon that he could use Duftmon and me as a substitute power source for Imperialdramon?"

"It was just a suggestion!" Craniummon protested.

"YOU SET THIS PLACE UP!!!" Sleipmon snapped.

Dynasmon walked behind Craniummon's treadmill, chuckling evilly. "Now, you simply hold this spear behind the big, heavy, two-legged Knight like so... and if he should happen to slow down..."

"NO!!! LOOK!!! I'M RUNNING!!! I'M RUNNING!!!" Craniummon yelled, desperately running as fast as he could on the treadmill to avoid the very sharp spear tip only inches away from his rear. While it was true that his whole body was covered in thick metal plates, he knew his spear well enough to realize that it could easily penetrate his armor if it was driven into him (or if he ran into it) hard enough.

Sleipmon pointed and laughed at the running Craniummon. "Look, its Road Runner! Keep up the speed, or Wile E. Coyote will get you with that big pigsticker he's holding!"

"Bleep bleep," Craniummon growled, the expletives he had been about to say censored out in an amusing fashion perfectly in conjunction with Sleipmon's comment.

And so, with both Craniummon and Sleipmon running on the treadmills, Imperialdramon was able to power back up and stand up on his own two feet, his white armor gleaming in the sunlight…or it would have, if there were a sun in Dark City. Which there wasn't. Regardless, he was still a magnificent sight to see in his pearly white armor, even if it was a bit dented and scuffed from Mushuzilla damaging it. The mighty dragon Digimon scanned the area, noting the serpentine Mushuzilla battling the swift-flying Gallantmon CM nearby, but was not yet ready to engage the beast until he had his sword in hand once again.

It didn't take him long to spot the weapon, especially since it was a giant gleaming sword lying on the ground. It was sort of hard to miss. It also had a pair of specks, one orange and one blue, tugging on the blade's enormous pommel in a rather pathetic attempt to drag the skyscraper-sized sword along the ground. "Ugh…Agumon…I don't…uhf…think this is…ahhh…working!" gasped Gabumon, his pelt damp and rather smelly with sweat from the dog-lizard-thing's futile struggles to budge the giant weapon.

"Keep…uhhh…trying!" Agumon yelled back to his partner from the other side of the sword's pommel, which had to be half as big around as their Omnimon form. "We have to…ack…get this to Imperialdramon, no matter…ohhhh…what!"

"Didn't Gallantmon say…urk…that if we found this thing, we could turn back into Omnimon?" Gabumon panted.

Agumon grimaced, sweat rolling down his scaly yellow hide from the exertion he was giving out to try and move the sword. "Well, he can't…oh Goddramon…always be right, can he?" He stopped pulling for a second, gasping and panting as he tried to catch his breath before beginning his Sisyphean task again. "Come on…if we could…save our world from the Heartless…defeat the Seven Great Demon Lords…triumph over Etemon's World Tour of Terror…slay the wicked Myotismon once and for all (I hope)…seal away GrandDracmon (again)… prevent the foul BlackKingNumemon and his life partner PlatinumSukamon from blowing up all the sewers in the Digital World and covering it in 'Digi-Sludge'…and survive living with a bunch as crazy as the _other_ Royal Knights, what with Crusadermon's horrible poetry and artwork, Dynasmon's atrocious rudeness and awful singing voice, Duftmon's odor and rivalry with Dynasmon, Alphamon's weary depression, and Magnamon's…being Magnamon, then we can certainly drag this giant sword which is technically a part of us!"

"Uh, Agumon?" Gabumon asked, pausing in his efforts to move the sword to wipe sweat from his brow. "Weren't we a giant incredibly strong Mega-level warrior all those times, whereas now we're just a couple of weak Rookies?"

"…That's beside the point! Come on, let's give it another go, I could swear we managed to pull it at least half an inch with that last tug!" Agumon encouraged, grabbing hold of the pommel again.

Gabumon had severe doubts that it had, but rather than question his partner, which would have been pointless, he just sighed and grabbed his end of the pommel as well. _Look on the bright side,_ he told himself. _At least I'm getting some exercise. Maybe I can lose all this puppy fat that just won't go away!_

They both started pulling on the sword again, using all their (rather pathetic) strength and straining their muscles to their utmost, causing veins and cords to stand out on their yellowish skin. They did not speak to each other, for they were exerting too much effort on trying to make the giant sword move to waste on something as insignificant as speech. At least, they did until a startled Agumon exclaimed. "Wait…yes! YES! I feel something! I think it's about to give! We're doing it Gabumon, we're doing-"

Unfortunately for Agumon, something was indeed about to give, and it wasn't the sword.  
CRACK! "OH HOLY MOTHER OF GODDRAMON, MY BACK! MY BACK! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Agumon howled in agony as he writhed on the ground, his back twisted at a rather unsightly angle.

Gabumon groaned and let go of the pommel. "Oh great. You threw your back out again. Now we're really fucked."

"STOP TALKING AND GET ME A MEDIC! OR BARRING THAT, A CHIROPRACTOR!" Agumon screamed at Gabumon.

"We don't have any. The last one was killed during the Heartless war, remember?" Gabumon pointed out.  
Agumon blinked. "…Oh. Yeah. We really need to recruit a new Knight to the team that knows more than rudimentary First Aid."

Gabumon nodded. "Yes, then we wouldn't have to shell out so many Digi-dollars at hospitals and our health insurance premiums wouldn't be so high."

"Right," said Agumon. There was a pause. "Where was I?"

"Screaming in agony, I believe," said Gabumon helpfully.

"Ah, thanks. OH GODDRAMON, IT HURTS!" Agumon started howling again.

That's when a tremendous shadow fell over them, darkening the area significantly. (Not that it was that noticeable, since they were already in _Dark_ City, after all )The Digimon looked up to see Imperialdramon towering high overhead, the great white dragon reaching down towards them. "Oh, look, it's Imperialdramon! We're saved!" Gabumon cheered.

The dragon's hand went right past them and grabbed the hilt of his sword. "D'oh!"

"Quick!" rasped Agumon, struggling to get up off the ground. "We've got to hitch a ride before he leaves us here and—HOLY FUCK, THE PAIN! AAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!" He fell back down, thrashing spasmodically.

Gabumon sighed, his shoulders sagging. "Guess I've got to carry you. Again." Gabumon picked up the prone mini-T-Rex, flung him over his shoulder, and quickly ran towards Imperialdramon's arm as it started to rise; taking the giant sword they had spent the last several minutes failing to move with it. "Oh boy, this is gonna be tough. Alley-oop!" Making a daring leap, he soared through the air and just managed to cling to one of Imperialdramon's knuckles before it could get out of reach. Agumon slipped off his shoulder, but Gabumon quickly managed to grab his friend by the tail using his free hand, catching him before he could fall to the ground below, which was already getting further and further from them. "Are you all right?!"

"NO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?!" Agumon shouted at him. "I'M HANGING BY MY TAIL OVER A HUNDRED-FOOT DROP, GETTING WORSE BY THE MINUTE, AND MY FUCKING BACK IS FUCKING KILLING ME! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"

Gabumon flinched, his ears folding against his skull. "You don't have to yell…" He glanced up at the visage of Imperialdramon, who was looking down at the sword in his hand. There was no way to tell whether the dragon or the Knights piloting him had seen them yet. "Now, how do we get inside?"

To answer his question, an energy beam abruptly shot from the eyes of the dragon head mounted on Imperialdramon's chest, striking Agumon and Gabumon. As they cried out in alarm, they suddenly dematerialized, their myriad data particles getting encoded and transported through the internal systems of the giant digital dragon before being dumped out and reassembled in Imperialdramon's control room. Or rather, reassembled in midair in Imperialdramon's control room. They wailed in fright as they fell the few remaining feet to the floor, landing on top of Duftmon and knocking him out of his seat.

"Ow!"

"Hey, watch where you're shoving that horn!"

"OH GODDRAMON, MY BACK!"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon. He blinked. "WHERE THE HECK DID THOSE GUYS COME FROM?"

Crusadermon and Magnamon stared in amazement. "Well, just when you think you've seen everything…" muttered Magnamon, who was still naked, in case you were wondering.

Alphamon stood up. "Agumon, Gabumon, welcome back. Are the two of you all right?"

"I am, sir," Gabumon said, quickly standing to attention, accidentally stepping on Duftmon's face in the process. "Agumon's not, though. He…sort of threw out his back."

Alphamon groaned. "Again?"

"YES, AGAIN!" Agumon screamed, face twisted in pain. "WILL SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT ALREADY?!"

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled, having almost heard Agumon's screams of anguish due to the reptile's volume.

"And will the two of you get off of me?!" growled an angry Duftmon.

"Oh, right, sorry," Gabumon stammered in embarrassment, quickly dragging his friend off Duftmon and allowing the leopard knight to get back up. Glaring darkly at them and muttering under his breath, the oddly-named warrior reclaimed his seat.

Alphamon contacted the engine room. "Craniummon, do we have anything that can fix a thrown-out back?"

"We have morphine," Craniummon replied, glancing behind him anxiously at the much-too-sharp spear just waiting for him to slip up so it could stab him in the rear.

Alphamon blinked. "That's it?"

"We're a bit low on medical supplies on the moment," Craniummon said apologetically. "We have plenty of bandages and pain-killer pills too, but nothing that can immediately fix a thrown-out back. Other than some medication, I'd recommend that whoever's back is injured just lie on the ground with their knees up to rest. They should also try occasionally folding their knees up to their chest to exercise their back muscles and get them back into shape."

Alphamon nodded. "I see. Thank you for the advice, Craniummon."

"You're welcome." That's when Dynasmon stabbed him in the rear, causing him to leap into the air and howl in pain. "OW! What the hell did you do that for?!"

Dynasmon laughed cruelly and leaned back against the wall behind the treadmill, amidst the remnants of the broken restraints of Duftmon's harness. "I felt like it."

"You're despicable," snarled Craniummon.

"That's 'dethpicable,'" Dynasmon corrected. He walked around the treadmill and stole one of Sleipmon's carrots, much to the centaur knight's dismay, and started munching on it. "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!" The other knights stared at him. "What?"

"You've been watching too many Loony Tunes," Craniummon grumbled, rubbing his sore tuckus.

Back in the control room, Agumon was getting into the position Craniummon had prescribed while Crusadermon checked the contents of a nearby medicine cabinet. "All right, what do you want for painkillers; Codeine, Fentanyl, Buprenorphine, marijuana (what's that doing here?), or morphine?"

"Morphine," rasped Agumon.

"I'm not sure that's a good-" Alphamon started.

"MORPHINE, DAMMIT!" Agumon bellowed.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon, once more thinking he had heard something.

Long story short, they gave him the morphine. A little _too_ much morphine, to be precise.

"So, Alphamon, what exactly was that thing you zapped us with that brought us back here?" Gabumon asked after his partner had been injected with morphine via a comically oversized needle in an equally hilarious and embarrassing spot.

"An experimental device Craniummon's been working on called a 'faxportal.' It works on the same principle as a fax machine; it breaks down the solidified data particles and false proteins making up your bodies, transforms them into basic code, then transmits them elsewhere—in this instance, to the control room—where you are reassembled as good as new," Alphamon explained.

"Oh, so it's like the transporters on Star Trek?" asked Duftmon.

Alphamon paused and thought about that for a moment. "…Yes. I suppose it is. I hadn't thought of it that way."

"It makes sense," Crusadermon commented. "Craniummon is rather fond of that series. He's a…what do you call it? A 'Trekker?'"

"I think it's 'Trekkie,'" argued Gabumon. "Or is it 'Trekster?' I can never remember."

"Star Trek, Schmar Trek," groused Duftmon. "Everyone knows Star Wars is the real thing!"

"I prefer Battlestar Galactica myself…" muttered Magnamon. He frowned. "Hey, wait a minute, if you guys had a transporter thingie in here all along, why didn't you use it to beam me up instead of just leaving me hanging on the tail?!"

"We didn't know you were back there," Alphamon pointed out. "Plus, so far we can only fax things that are in visual range of the eyes on Imperialdramon's chest. Since you were behind us, we couldn't possibly see you, let alone transport you over here."

"Oh," Magnamon grunted, mollified.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high…" Agumon, high on morphine at this point, sang rather off-key, his voice breaking repeatedly. (His singing wasn't as bad as Dynasmon's, fortunately.)

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

Alphamon put his face in his hands for a moment. He sighed heavily, and once more very realistically considered the pros and cons of killing himself. Finally, he raised his head back up and said, "That's enough nonsense for now. We need to go help Gallantmon finish off that dragon! Imperialdramon, move out!"

And that ends our flashback and brings us back to the present, where Mushuzilla was getting his tail handed to him by the combined power of the Royal Knights.

"Final Justice!" cried Gallantmon, firing a beam of light from his spear, Gungnir.

"Giga Crusher!" called Imperialdramon, firing a super-powerful energy shot from the cannon in his chest.

Mushuzilla, weary, bruised, with blood flowing from a number of scratches and wounds all over his body, barely managed to evade the two powerful attacks. Hissing in fury and exhaustion, he launched a great blast of fire breath at the two Mode Changed Digimon. He was certain Gallantmon would fly out of the way, but Imperialdramon was too large, and would probably get hit by at least a little of the flame before he could fully get away.

Unfortunately for the dragon, Gallantmon didn't budge. "Royal Saber!" He slashed out repeatedly with his sword Blutgang, parting the stream of fire rushing towards him into several smaller and much weaker bursts of flame which flew around him and Imperialdramon, diverted by the flying knight's swordsmanship.

Imperialdramon raised his own sword into the air, light glinting off its edge. "Omni Sword!" He slashed down with the incredibly immense broadsword, releasing a tremendous energy wave which sliced through the air towards Mushuzilla, cutting through any decrepit buildings that had the bad luck of being right in its path and causing their tops to tumble to the streets below as the wave continued towards Mushuzilla. Fearing that this attack might bisect him or worse, the red dragon ducked down low to the ground, causing the energy wave to fly over him, smashing through more buildings and showering him with rubble as it kept going off into the distance. He sighed in relief…

Until Gallantmon flew right up into his face, drawing his sword back. "Royal Saber!" With a powerful thrust, the crimson-armored knight drove his sword forwards, piercing one of Mushuzilla's eyes.

The dragon reared back, shrieking and clutching his blinded eye as blood and various ocular fluids gushed from his wound, his tail flailing wildly as he thrashed about in pain, smashing buildings and tearing up the pavement. It also left him open and defenseless for Imperialdramon's next attack, as Gallantmon flew out of the way. "Giga Crusher!"

The energy ball that leaped forth from the Digimon's chest struck Mushuzilla in his midriff and exploded, flinging him backwards howling in pain with most of the scales on his chest cracked, blackened, and bleeding. Quite a few of his ribs had been broken as well. Spitting out blood and a few teeth, squeezing his blind eye shut while clutching his damaged chest with one claw, Mushuzilla built up what little strength he had left in his legs and managed to leap into the air, launching several dozen fireballs up into the sky. He landed and grinned fiendishly through broken and missing teeth as the fireballs, now swollen to the size of meteors, started raining back towards the ground, where they would explode and destroy Imperialdramon Paladin Mode.

At least, that was what was _supposed_ to happen. What actually happened was that Gallantmon wound back his right arm and hurled his spear into the air at the oncoming meteors. "Crimson Light!" As his spear flew high into the sky and entered the swarm of approaching meteoric fireballs, it turned a brilliant red and white and blew up, releasing an energy pulse of incredible power which rippled outward, vaporizing all the fireballs and causing them to explode in bursts of sparks and flame, turning the black sky a quite lovely shade of reddish-pink as the wave continued expanding towards the horizon in every direction, showering sparkles of light down on the devastated and broken city and, for a moment, making it seem much less bleak and battle-torn.

"Wow," whispered an amazed Magnamon as all the Royal Knights looked out from Imperialdramon at the miracle Gallantmon had just created.

"Why isn't _that_ guy in charge of the Royal Knights?" Duftmon wondered. "He's got _style_!"

"I heard that," growled Alphamon. "I've got style, too…don't I?"

"Why can't we do anything like that?" grumbled Gabumon.

"Red skies at night, sailor's delight," Agumon sang drunkenly, still high on morphine. "Red skies at morning…uh…are really…boring? Wheee…pretty lights…"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Attack already!" Alphamon barked angrily.

Imperialdramon did just that. He charged forward at the tired Mushuzilla, swinging the flat of his sword at the dragon's head. The red dragon ducked, but ended up getting hit in the jaw by an uppercut from Imperialdramon's left fist. As his head snapped back, more of his teeth breaking, Mushuzilla then got kicked in the chest, shoving him backwards as Imperialdramon swung his sword once more, smashing it into the side of the red dragon's head and knocking him to the ground. The reptile squirmed and tried to crawl away, but Imperialdramon stomped down on his back, pinning Mushuzilla to the ground with one of his feet. He then raised his sword into the air, preparing to deliver the finishing blow which would put the dragon out of commission for good and change the beast back to normal. "OMNI SWORD!" Imperialdramon started to bring his holy blade down…

Only to get caught in mid-swing by the blade of another sword. "Oh no you don't!" King Leo growled, blocking Imperialdramon's strike with his lion-headed blade. "I need this guy alive, if I'm going to stay a big bad monster!" He pushed hard against Imperialdramon's sword, using the Digital dragon's momentary surprise at being countered to knock him off balance and shove him back. Before Imperialdramon could recover, the lion jaws on King Leo's chest yawned open wide and spat a huge fireball which smashed into the dragon and exploded, flinging the Digimon away. He crashed down to the ground some distance away and skidded to a halt against a pile of debris from a number of different fallen skyscrapers. He tried to stand up, but fell back down on his rear, momentarily dazed by King Leo's surprise attack.

Gallantmon groaned. "Aw, crap. You know, I'm starting to think we need an even STRONGER Mode Change for Imperialdramon, considering how many times he's been knocked down in this battle…" He quickly flew over to the fallen dragon to make sure all his friends were all right.

King Leo helped Mushuzilla up in the meantime. "You okay, pal?" Mushuzilla hissed and nodded weakly. "Good! And hey, now that I've saved your life and all, maybe you could help me out with a little something…namely, those guys."

Mushuzilla blinked and looked around. His eye widened in horror as he realized that, while King Leo had been helping him up, the other giant robots (and Darkwing) had caught up with King Leo, and now had them surrounded. A recovered Imperialdramon, with Gallantmon flying by his side, walked over to join the circle of giants ringed around the two remaining evil monsters. The red dragon squealed unhappily and dug his claws into King Leo's arm. "Ow! Hey, watch it!"

"It's over, Leo! We have you surrounded!" Leon barked from the cockpit of the Combo Megazord. "Surrender now and return to your original forms…assuming you can, that is…and we can end this without any more fighting!"

"What? Really? But that's so _boring_…" complained Aerith, whom Leon promptly ignored.

"I'm proud of you, Leon! Trying to bring forth a peaceful resolution rather than just causing more senseless violence!" a very pleased Tifa said.

Leon nodded. "Yeah, I figured it was the sort of thing Sora might have done, so I had to do it too. Otherwise I'll never get better than him!"

Tifa sighed and palmed her face. "I should have known…"

"Oh yeah? What'll you do if we _don't_ surrender, huh?" King Leo challenged brashly, ignoring Mushuzilla's frantic hissing and arm waving to tell him that he was perfectly fine with giving in and _really_ didn't want to see what kind of force the extremely heavily armed giant robots around them would bring to bear on the evil duo if they rejected Leon's ultimatum.

The elephant trunk on the Combo Megazord's chest trumpeted and pointed at the evil monsters. Hatches opened on Gamabunta's hide and a number of laser cannons, missile launchers, and energy blasters emerged from them, while a ridiculously large cannon barrel emerged from his big wide mouth. Yuffie did some Summon Juutsu to conjure up the same weapons her clones from before had possessed, the weapons magically floating into sockets on her giant robot frog mount's hide to power him up even further and give him even more armaments. She also drew her sword and pulled off the star crest on her chest to make a shield. Stitch cackled gleefully as hatches opened up on the sides of his damaged and dented mecha as well, and a number of cannons and explosives emerged, some of which looked likely to blow up at any moment and thus made the Magna Stitch Majiin even more dangerous. Blaster barrels emerged from Moogletron's shoulders, sides, knees, and the mouths of the Moomba heads, while the Moomba's various eyes, including Moogletron's own and the pompom on its head, started glowing as they charged up energy. Guns emerged from emplacements all over Zurgrex's body, and his laser eyes started glowing ominously. Giant crossbows with metal-tipped heat seeking quarrels and cannons loaded with good old-fashioned gunpowder and cannonballs emerged from Mechanicles Jr. MK IX's body, and the robot's telescoping monocle extended outwards, its lens glowing. Imperialdramon's chest opened to reveal his Giga Crusher cannon. Gallantmon glowed with holy light. Darkwing…frowned enviously. "Aw man, why can't I have some heavy weaponry?"

"I'd lend you some of mine, but my Gizmosuit's still busted," Gizmoduck said apologetically. "Sorry, DW."

"I've gotta get me a robot battlesuit one of these days…" Darkwing grumbled to himself. "Well, maybe I can get one with the money I'm milking from Glomgold. Then again, Launchpad would probably just crash it…"

"Gee, thanks DW!" Launchpad said happily.

"That wasn't a compliment." Launchpad stared at him blankly. Darkwing sighed in exasperation. "Oh, never mind."

"Let me put it this way," Cid said calmly to King Leo and Mushuzilla. "Give up…or we blow your motherfucking brains out!"

"Won't that be fun?" Yuffie giggled.

"Ehahahaha!" Stitch cackled insanely, slobber dripping from his mouth.

"Surrender now, kupo!" Mog commanded.

"Not just yet!" King Leo crowed as Mushuzilla cowered behind him, mildly surprised by his own bravado. It was apparent his desperation and terror had driven him past the limits of his fear, allowing him to foolishly press forward in his incredibly dangerous and risky plan without any thought of the horribly painful consequences should he screw up. (In other words, he was so terrified that he was actually feeling courageous.) "We still have one last trick up our sleeves! Mushuzilla, let us do the DANCE OF FUSION!"

Mushuzilla stared at him blankly, as did everyone else. "The what?" a confused Gosalyn asked.

"The…the Dance of…you know, the thing where we do a little dance, and then we combine into one badass, totally unstoppable monster?" King Leo asked Mushuzilla, a hint of desperation showing on his face. "You know…_that _dance?!" Mushuzilla's eyes widened in recognition, and he nodded rapidly. "Great! So, let's do this!" He snapped his fingers. "Let the music play!"

The giant robots (and Darkwing) looked around in confusion as a jazzy hip-hop beat started playing all around them, and the two evil giant monsters started dancing very badly. "What the…what the fuck?!" bellowed Cid as King Leo and Mushuzilla tried and failed to get their groove on.

"Where is that music coming from?" wondered a puzzled Aerith.

King Leo snatched Zurgrex's top hat and tossed it over to Mushuzilla, then snatched Darkwing's hat and tried to put it over his crown, causing the points to rip through the top. "HEY! MY HAT!" Both Zurg and Darkwing yelled angrily.

"Sorry, finders keepers!" taunted King Leo as he joined Mushuzilla, who had donned the giant top hat, and formed a two-man conga line with him. "Oh, we-are-gonna-fuse-NOW, we-are-gonna-fuse-NOW, we-are-gonna-fuse…"

"Make it stop, kupo! It's too horrible!" screamed Mene.

"KWEHKWEHKWEHKWEHKWEH!" howled Boco.

"I don't know, I rather like it actually," commented Ivan the dwarf. "It has a nice beat. Makes me want tae join in." This sentiment was unsurprising, since most dwarves were practically tone-deaf, as just about everyone knew, hence their liking for rather odd musical instruments such as accordions, bagpipes, zithers, and Bowafridgeaphones.

"UUUUUHHHHAAAAOOOOOOUUUUUAAAUUUU!" (Oh yeah! Shake it! Uhuhuhuhuhuhuh-HUH-huh!) roared Umaro, thrashing about and damaging his cockpit.

"This is…one of the strangest things I've ever seen…" murmured an incredulous Mechanicles as King Leo backflipped, put his head on the ground, and started spinning in place upside-down, like a wannabe rapper. Mushuzilla danced behind him, walking backwards and thrusting his arms out repeatedly in what he thought (incorrectly) was the proper way to do the Moonwalk. "And I built robot _fleas_, for Archimedes' sake!"

"They took my hat for _this?!_" snarled Zurg.

"…Sir, shouldn't we be blasting them right about now?" asked a confused Magnamon.

"Yes, we should," Alphamon said faintly. "But the bad dancing…it's so awful it's practically…hypnotic…can't…do…a…thing…can't…stop…talking like this!"

"Oh, we are so gonna fuse, yeah! Gonnagonna fuse, uhuhuh, we are gonna fuse! We are gonna fuse!" sang King Leo, flailing spastically about in what one might generously call 'dancing', belting out lyrics totally at odds with the music playing. Mushuzilla was slightly better, but only in the fact that he couldn't sing, his dancing was equally atrocious.

"Why can't they just DNA Digivolve like a sensible Digimon? Why all this song and dance, literally?" grumbled Duftmon.

Tears were running down Crusadermon's face. "It's…it's so horrible…please…PLEASE…MAKE IT STOP! THIS IS AN ABOMINATION OF EVERYTHING I STAND FOR, ALL THAT I LOVE IN MUSIC AND ART AND BEAUTY! IT'S KILLING ME!"

"And you can stand Dynasmon's singing…how, exactly?" Gabumon muttered.

"Ohhhh, we are gonna fuse, yeah, we are gonna fuse, yeah," Agumon sang giddily, up on his feet and spinning and stumbling around like a lush. "Wheeee, join in, Gabumon, then we'll be Omnimamon again!"

"I'd rather not," Gabumon said, eyeing his friend uneasily. "For one thing, if it worked, we'd probably be stoned out of our minds due to your morphine overdose. For another…I don't think you should be up and about, I doubt it's good for your back-"

Agumon tripped and fell down. Another loud crack could be heard, temporarily breaking through the fog of drugs clouding his mind. "OH GODDRAMON, MY BACK!"

Gabumon sighed. "I rest my case."

"And this, Magnamon, is why you must never do drugs. Ever," Alphamon told Magnamon flatly, inexplicably talking normally again.

The naked dragon nodded wordlessly. "I understand completely sir, believe you me."

"I'M GLAD I'M TEMPORARILY DEAF, OTHERWISE I'D BE ABLE TO HEAR THAT HORRIBLE SINGING!" UlforceVeedramon yelled loudly.

"Doesn't this remind you of a certain anime with a thick-headed, overpowered human-like alien?" Duftmon asked.

"Superman?" Gabumon guessed.

"No, he means Dragonball Z!" Magnamon scoffed. "How dare you besmirch the name of the Last Son of Krypton!"

"Oh," said Gabumon.

"Kamehamehahahahaha!" Agumon giggled deliriously from the floor.

The Knights down in the engine room could hear the song as well, unfortunately. Why unfortunately? Because Dynasmon had decided he liked it and was singing along as well. "FOR THE LOVE OF GODDRAMON, STOP, I'M BEGGING YOU!" Craniummon howled as he ran faster and faster on the treadmill, away from Dynasmon, hands over his ears. "YOU'RE KILLING MY BRAIN CELLS WITH EVERY NOTE YOU MANGLE! PLEASE, JUST STOP SINGING OR KILL ME, PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!"

"What? Sorry, can't hear you, too busy singing," Dynasmon said, annoyed that he had been interrupted. "It's too bad my megaphone's broken, I wouldn't mind using one right about now." He started singing again, Craniummon burst into tears, and Sleipmon slammed his head repeatedly into his shield, hoping that either a) this was a nightmare and repeated blunt force trauma would knock him out of it, or b) if he hit his head hard enough, he could kill himself and end the horror.

Outside, Gallantmon shook his head, holding his hands over his ears. "And here I thought Dynasmon's singing was bad…and Etemon's…and…well, a bunch of other people's, too. But this really takes the cake...whatever the heck that means…"

"Oh, swing your partner around, do-si-do, let two become one and make one from two, then we'll be unstoppable! Fuse it baby, fuse it!" King Leo sang as he and Mushuzilla square danced.

"Oh god, please make it stop…" whimpered Cid, huddling in a corner of the Megazord cockpit.

"I…I don't understand…" said a confused Leon. "I want to kill them…so very badly…why can't I do anything? Why am I frozen like this, forced to watch their ridiculous antics? Why can't I do anything?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!"

"Aerith, do they have singing and dancing like this in Hell?" Tifa asked the half-demon.

Aerith snorted. "As if! Well…okay, maybe a little, but largely just to torture the damned. Since it's Hell, we naturally have some of the most talented musicians, dancers, and artists in existence, including just about every rock band there ever was. And there are a number of demons who are very good at the musical arts, though their talent varies, just as it does with mortals. We even have those who are just as horrible as those two out there, sad to say. There's at least one as incompetent as that in every world and realm, it seems. I think it fulfills some kind of cosmic balance."

Yuffie was startled by this exposition. "What?! But then that means…"

Aerith nodded. "Yes Yuffie, nearly all of the boy bands, pop stars, and teen idols you like are fated to burn in Hell for all eternity. How do you think they got the record contracts which made them famous in the first place? Certainly not on their nonexistent talent and transient good looks alone, I assure you."

Yuffie whimpered, her Megazord sitting down hard on the back of Gamabunta. "Wonderful, another one of my childhood illusions destroyed forever…"

"I know. Isn't it wonderful?" Aerith cackled malevolently.

Stitch, unable to bear listening to the horrible 'singing' with his highly sensitive ears, quickly started playing a CD of Elvis' greatest hits in his cockpit. He sighed and relaxed instantly as the King's elegant voice and drawling tone filled the cockpit with sweet song.

"We are gonna fuse, oh YES we are, we are gonna come together, and mess you up so bad! Do the Fusion! Uh! Do the Fusion!" King Leo roared, as he and Mushuzilla played air guitar.

"Gosalyn, I hate to say it, but all those boy bands and rock music you listen to actually sound better than this." Darkwing told his daughter grudgingly.

"Does that mean I can listen to them whenever I want?" she asked him hopefully.

"No."

Her face fell. "Awww."

"I haven't heard anything this bad since the other villains and I tried to form a band. Boy, was that a stupid idea…" Negaduck reminisced, grimacing as he recalled how horrible that debacle had turned out.

"And now is where we come to the EeeEEeeend! We will rock you past the beeEEEeend! Time for FUSION!" King Leo and Mushuzilla danced towards each other from opposite sides of the circle of stunned giant robots surrounding them, leaning sideways and pointing their index fingers at each other. "Fu…sion…HAAAAA!" They met in the center of the circle, the tips of their fingers touching.

There was a brilliant flash of light and a blinding explosion which knocked everyone off their feet and shook the city. When the smoke from the blast cleared and the heroes (and villains) got back to their feet, they stared in astonishment at their new foe.

King Leo and Mushuzilla had combined to form a TREMENDOUS giant white serpentine Oriental dragon which towered over all of them, at least three hundred meters tall. Raised golden designs and curlicues had formed on the surface of the dragon's white scales. Bristling spines ran down its back. Each of its five-clawed upper limbs clutched a huge glistening white pearl. The head was oddly leonine, with a black feline snout, a great mane with ten horns emerging from it, and milky white eyes. A large oddly-shaped circlet sat on the dragon's brow. Its jaws hung open, saliva dripping from its triple rows of serrated teeth. "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" the dragon bellowed in a voice that sounded like both Prince John and Mushu's voices distorted, recorded on top of each other, and played backwards on a bum stereo. "GET A LOAD OF THIS, BITCHES! I'M KING DRAGON NOW, AND WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, THERE ISN'T GONNA BE ENOUGH LEFT OF YOU LOSERS TO RECYCLE INTO A _TIN CAN!_ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Cid said a very bad word. Aerith added a few choice words of her own, as did Yuffie, Stitch, Zurg, Ivan, Umaro, a number of the Royal Knights, Negaduck, Glomgold, and Gosalyn. "GOSALYN!" yelled Darkwing. "Where'd you hear that word?!"

"School," she said.

Darkwing grumbled. "Figures. What's the education system coming to these days, huh? Letting kids get away with saying stuff like that in class and in the hallways!"

"Actually, it was a teacher who said it," Gosalyn corrected him.

Darkwing glared at his daughter. "Would that have anything to do with something _you_ did, young lady?"

Gosalyn fidgeted and didn't meet her father's giant eyes. "Weeeell…maybe a little…"

"Gosalyn…" growled Darkwing.

"Well, DAD! His class is stupid, his lectures are boring, and his homework is totally incomprehensible!" protested Gosalyn.

Launchpad nodded. "Yeah DW, I couldn't make heads or tails of it when I went over it!"

Darkwing fixed his glare, much more fearsome now that he was a giant monster, on his sidekick, who squealed in fright and cowered behind Gizmoduck. "You've been doing her homework for her?!"

"Of course not, Dad. Launchpad's too stupid for that," Gosalyn reassured her father.

"Yeah, except for the stuff about aerodynamics, planes, how things fly, and the way physics work on airborne objects," agreed Launchpad. "Oh, and famous historical crashes." Gosalyn shot him a look of pure hatred and venom. "…Wait. I wasn't supposed to say that, was I?"

"GOSALYN! LAUNCHPAD!" Darkwing bellowed in fury, causing both of them to yelp and almost fall off his hands. "WHEN WE GET HOME, I'M GROUNDING BOTH OF YOU! NO TV, COMPUTERS, VIDEO GAMES, CRIME FIGHTING, OR FLYING FOR A WEEK, PLUS YOU HAVE TO EAT DINNER AT HOME INSTEAD OF GETTING TAKEOUT FOR THE NEXT MONTH!"

"Aw man!" Gosalyn moaned.

"Oh, well that last bit's not so bad," Launchpad said, sighing in relief. "Morgana makes great stuff!"

Darkwing grinned evilly. "Did I mention that _I'm_ going to be making dinner for the next month?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Launchpad and Gosalyn screamed in horror.

"Please DW, anything but that, ANYTHING!" Launchpad wailed, bursting into pathetic tears. "I won't crash anything for a week! I'd promise you more, but I think we both know there's no way I could handle much more than that!"

"I'll bring all my grades up! Honest!" Gosalyn said fervently, begging on her knees. "And-and stop saying bad words around the house, and pay attention in class, and cut down on crime fighting so I can focus more on my education! Just please _PLE-HE-HEASE DON'T MAKE ME EAT YOUR COOKING!"_

Darkwing laughed malevolently as Launchpad and Gosalyn pleaded for forgiveness, Scrooge and his employees exchanged confused looks, Glomgold continued hanging on to the giant's cape for dear life, and Negaduck shook his head, feeling goosebumps form under his feathers. "Making them eat his poor excuse for cooking…man, even _I'm_ not that evil! Well, I'm also a pretty good chef myself, but that's beside the point. I'm starting to wonder whether we should switch orientations, he might make an even eviler villain than _me!_"

"UH, EXCUSE ME," growled King Dragon. "I'M KIND OF BRAGGING AND PREPARING TO KILL YOU ALL HERE-"

"Would you mind?!" Darkwing snapped. "I'm disciplining my kid! And live-in sidekick."

King Dragon flinched back. "OH. UH, SORRY. CARRY ON."

Darkwing nodded. "Thank you, I will." And so he did.

The others watched in confusion and disbelief. "Kupo…" said a dumbstruck Mog.

"…Scratch what I said earlier, _this_ is the strangest thing I've ever seen…" murmured Mechanicles.

"This is stupid. Why am I even still here?" Zurg wondered. "…And where the hell'd my hat go?!"

"I'm beginning to wonder why I ever thought this Power Rangers idea was a good idea in the first place…" groaned Cid, putting his face in his hands. "Animaloid robots, color-coded outfits, giant monster battles, what the fuck was I thinking when I agreed to help Leon with this shit?!"

"I think you were drunk at the time," Tifa said.

"Oh, that explains it."

Aerith sighed. "Doesn't it always?"

…

According to astronomers on the most advanced worlds, the center of the galaxy was an immense cloud of stellar gas forming a nuclear 'bulge' of sorts expanding outwards from a flat 'disk' made up of extending spiral arms, each of which were filled with countless stars and a somewhat smaller number of worlds, an even smaller number of which were habitable, and even less of which had _intelligent_ life. It was said that within this gas cloud at the center of the galaxy were stars in every stage of formation, from newborn to massive to extinct remnants of supernovae being cycled back by pressure, gases, and nuclear reactions to eventually form new stars. And at the center of this gas cloud, surrounded by these many stars, it was theorized that a supermassive black hole lay, possibly dormant despite the constant flow of matter being drawn into it, too huge to have formed from a dead star. It might have even come into being when the galaxy was first formed billions of years ago.

The astronomers were mostly right, aside from the fact that the black hole wasn't a black hole. Well, to be specific it _was_ a black hole, but it was also a lot more than that. The black hole was, in fact, a defensive shield encapsulating the most powerful object in the entire galaxy to prevent anyone from approaching it, let alone knowing it existed.

What is this object, you may ask? Nothing less than the very Heart of the Galaxy itself.

As some may already know, Kingdom Hearts is the Origin and End point, where all things begin and end, the place from which hearts, souls, and all else is born, and to whence they eventually return after their time in the universe has come to an end. Kingdom Hearts is _literally_ the source of all power and life in the universe, and maybe even other universes and dimensions beyond. There are some who even call it God…and who's to say they're wrong? What else could you call the Source of all things?

It is also known that planets, or rather worlds, have hearts as well, and they are somehow connected to Kingdom Hearts. When Heartless consume those hearts, the world vanishes into the darkness, its connection to Kingdom Hearts severed, or at least blocked in some manner. What is _not_ known is that galaxies possess hearts as well, and these hearts provided an intricate and essential link between the worlds in the physical universe and the dimension in which Kingdom Hearts itself resided, behind the Door to Light.

Kingdom Hearts beamed power across the planes of reality to the many Galactic Hearts scattered throughout the cosmos, which would then in turn broadcast that power to the myriad habitable worlds in their respective galaxies, each of which possessed its own heart. It was a requisite for life that a planet had a heart, without it, the world would be barren and lifeless. Those world hearts, receiving the power transmitted from the galactic core, would then let the power flow throughout the planet, allowing life to form on the surface and occasionally in its depths. And, sometimes, with the right combination of proper conditions, magic, and maybe even a little luck, that life could evolve into something greater, forming civilizations and societies and one day perhaps even finding a way past the barriers the world hearts had formed to protect life in its infancy from the dangers of space, going out into the stars and one day encountering other life that had also left the safety of its home world to see what lay beyond. It was the will of the cosmos that one day all intelligent life would expand beyond their worlds of origin and interact with other forms of being across the galaxy, and maybe even in other galaxies, as part of the Great Plan of Creation.

But the Galactic Hearts were of utter importance to the fulfillment of this Plan. If, for whatever reason, the Hearts were to stop transmitting the power from Kingdom Hearts to the myriad worlds clustered around them, those worlds would die completely from a kind of starvation, not even granted the possibility of eventual return that being swallowed by the darkness offered. And if the worlds died and could not give Kingdom Hearts' power to the life of the galaxy, then that life would slowly die out, and eventually the galaxy would be a very cold and empty place.

Because of this, the Galactic Hearts were one of the most carefully-guarded secrets in all the cosmos. They were placed inside pocket realities made from the interiors of supermassive black holes for their own protection, and surrounded by multiple layers of unbelievably lethal radiation, as well as the gravity pull and incredible heat of the numerous stars and stellar gas surrounding the very center of the galaxy. There were also even more layers of less visible defenses in the form of incredibly powerful magical security spells intended to either misdirect or outright destroy any intruders depending on how close they got to the black hole, invisible sentry monsters large enough to rip moons in two, and solar winds that could be summoned at a moment's notice to blow any unauthorized presence totally off course and either into the hole, a star, or out of the nucleus—perhaps even out of the galaxy—all together.

But even with all these defenses, there was always the chance that someone powerful or clever enough could thwart or outwit them, so the black hole itself was designed only to allow safe passage into its depths to a Keybearer, since the destinies of the wielders of the Keyblade were inextricably linked with that of Kingdom Hearts and all its subsidiary hearts, and so it might one day be necessary for a Keybearer to reach the Galactic Heart to protect it from some great evil, or to release the Heart's power, or something like that. However, once it became clear that wielding a Keyblade did not necessarily prevent a person from becoming evil, the secret of the Galactic Hearts was shared only with a very select few of the most trustworthy and powerful individuals, none of which were Keybearers. That way, if any of them turned traitor, the knowledge wouldn't do them any good since they'd need a Keybearer to get them into the black hole, even if they knew how to deactivate all the other defenses. And since the Keybearers were almost never aware of the Heart's existence, there was no threat that an evil one would learn of it and try to claim it for themselves.

Why was that? Well, since the black hole was the _only_ defense mutable to the Keybearers, the rest would still remain active unless the Keybearer was accompanied by someone who both knew the secret of the Galactic Heart and had the mastery of magic and/or physics necessary to deactivate the various barriers and guardians and allow access to the black hole and the Heart within. And, since those who had originally been chosen to keep the secret were spell-rigged to self-destruct if they were made to reveal the nature of the Galactic Heart and its safeguards to anyone of evil intent either by free will, coercion, torture, or drugs, and whatever trustworthy individual next chosen to guard the secret after the original keeper passed away was automatically spell-rigged by the very acquisition of the knowledge to blow up if the secret was threatened by evil, the guardians of the universe made doubly sure that the knowledge of the Heart's existence could never be used to threaten the galaxy. The only way the knowledge could be revealed without triggering the auto-destruct spells were if the secret was being passed to its next keeper, or told to a good-hearted Keybearer in a time of peril.

And, just in case an evil Keybearer _did_ somehow manage to acquire the counter-spells necessary to deactivate the outer defenses, the Galactic Heart's guardians had been programmed to ignore the spells if they sensed evil will in the Keybearer's heart, and were ordered to tear him or her apart. Even a Keybearer, who wielded the very key to all reality, would have difficulty against defenses such as these if he or she wasn't strong enough.

In this manner, the Galactic Hearts had been guarded for billions of years. Naturally the secret had, despite all the many precautions, occasionally slipped out or been deduced by those of ill will, but due either to the lack of a Keybearer or the power and knowledge necessary to penetrate the outer defenses, the Heart of the Galaxy had remained safe within its black hole to this very day.

Unfortunately, what none of the original crafters of these defenses had counted on was someone like Oberon using the Crystal of Ix to absorb not just the power of the Keyblade, but one of the very few individuals left in the Galaxy who knew the Heart's secret. Since Oberon did not forcibly extract the information from the secret-keeper, the Heart's existence simply becoming known to him instantly the moment he had absorbed the secret-keeper's magic and knowledge with the power of Ix, the self-destruct spell did not engage, and Oberon became, in rather unorthodox fashion, the new keeper of the secret. A keeper who possessed not just the ability to get through the myriad defenses in the galactic core, but also wielded the power of the Keyblade necessary to enter the black hole and reach the Galactic Heart. And even worse, he had the drive to do such a thing, the thirst for power to attempt something this cataclysmic without caring what the consequences for the rest of the galaxy might be. And while his knowledge of the counter-spells would not protect him from the galactic core's defenses once they detected the corruption in his heart, his power and mastery over magic was so great due to all the energy he had absorbed that the defenses posed distressingly little threat to him.

Because of this cursed twist of luck and magic, the fate of the entire galaxy was in dire jeopardy. Maybe more than just the galaxy, since the addition of a power source as great as the Galactic Heart would certainly give Oberon so much extra energy that all the unstable magic inside of him would explode, obliterating a large chunk of the universe in the process, wiping out at least a hundred galaxies and all the trillions of living things in them and leaving a huge empty void in its place, a wound from which the cosmos might never recover.

But even that fate might be preferable to what could happen if, by some black miracle, Oberon should somehow be able to _survive_ absorbing the Galactic Heart's power, and then discover how to master it…for even Satan would have some difficulty against an opponent as great as Oberon would become, and while the Ruler of Hell would inevitably prevail, their power struggle would rip the universe asunder and possibly extinguish all life, forever.

Oberon's mad eyes glittered with greed as he drew near the enormous black sphere that was the black hole, a dark spot that dwarfed the giant elf by several hundreds of thousand solar masses and absorbed all light and matter around it, a brightly glowing accretion disk radiating out from its sides and emitting X-rays along with a great deal of heat. The magical defenses railed angrily against him as he approached, but he paid them no heed. So well-armored in protective spells and magicks was he that the radiation washed over him harmlessly, the spells of destruction misfired, the giant invisible monsters could not wrap their claws around him, and the solar winds furiously blew at him but failed to stir the smallest hair in his luxurious mane. Oberon's power was more than sufficient to keep him from being drawn in and crushed by the intense gravity of the black hole, but that alone would not allow him to enter the singularity. No, for that he would need to use a still greater power…

The power of the Keyblade.

Calling upon his stolen magic, he summoned King Mickey's Reverse Kingdom Key to his hand, scaled up to match his giant size, and pointed it at the black hole. A bright blue pencil-thin beam of light shot from the tip of the Keyblade and struck the surface of the hole's event horizon. Unlike all the other light in the galactic nucleus, the energy beam was not absorbed into the supermassive gravity well. Instead, it caused a strange rippling effect which spread outwards from the point where it had made contact with the hole, causing the gravitational anomaly to start quivering and distorting itself in ways that would have turned most mortals' stomachs. But Oberon was made of sturdier stuff, and all he did was smile in eager anticipation as a glowing hole in the shape of a keyhole appeared where the beam from his Keyblade had touched the event horizon, growing and spreading outwards across the black sphere's circumference until it occupied about an eighth of its surface. It was more than large enough for Oberon, banishing his Keyblade, to pass through and enter…

Somewhere else. A place that seemed to be both tiny and infinite, a dimension empty of worlds and living things, that almost felt…aware.

The only thing in the place that was both nowhere and everywhere at once other than Oberon was a heart. A giant, shining heart the size of a gas planet with unimaginable energy radiating out from it. Oberon was actually stunned for a moment as he felt the incredible, undeniable power from the heart washing out towards him. It was more power than he had ever dreamed, a thousand, no, a _million_ times greater than the power he himself held inside his body, just barely contained by the Crystal of Ix. "Incredible…" he whispered, tears running down his face as the light from the incredibly beautiful energy core, the beating Heart of the Galaxy, shone on him. "It's...it's more wondrous…more powerful…than I could ever have dreamed…"

His face twisted into a monstrous expression of lust and desire. "It must belong to me." He stretched out his arms, reaching towards the light.

Elsewhere…

"Shit! Shit! SHIT!" yelled the shorter armored male figure, clutching his head in horror.

"Yes," agreed the taller figure. "This turn of events truly is most dire."

"We can't just stand by and let him do this!" the female said anxiously. "If he manages to absorb the Heart of the Galaxy, the resulting energy overload will destroy not just that galaxy, but the entire cluster of galaxies of which that one is just a part! And even if, by some horrible chance, he were able to contain the power, he'd still be sentencing an entire galaxy to death by cutting off their worlds' means of collecting life energy at the source, or close to it! We HAVE to do something!"

The tallest crossed his arms and shook his head. "No, we do not."

"Oh, COME ON!" the shorter male exploded. "You can't be serious! You mean to tell me it's not against the law for an insane, evil Keyblade thief to steal the power of the Galactic Heart and destroy a few galaxies in the process?!"

"You're right, there is a law," the tallest admitted.

His two companions glanced at each other, and then looked back at the big man in confusion. "Huh?!"

"Abusing the power of the Keyblade to violate the Heart of the Galaxy, potentially destroying billions if not trillions of lives in the process, is one of the foulest crimes a Keybearer can commit," the tallest one explained. "As such, the penalty for even _attempting_ to steal the power of the Heart of the Galaxy is one of the most severe that we are authorized to deal out, save for the permanent stripping of Keyblade from its rogue wielder, which we may only do if the rogue in question murders another Keybearer."

"Then…that means we can stop him?" the female asked hopefully.

"Yes! Finally, some action!" the other male cheered.

"Yes, we _can_ stop him," the tallest said. "But we will not."

The other two stared at him in disbelief and dismay. "Why the HELL not?!" the other male cried finally.

"Because someone else is about to do the job for us," the tallest said, pointing at the figure behind Oberon in the image depicted in their keyhole-shaped viewing pool.

Back at the center of the galaxy…

"The power is mine…all MINE…" Oberon whispered, totally enraptured by the shining Heart. He spread his arms wide. "IXTA-" He was interrupted when something tapped him on the shoulder. Oberon froze, the final syllable of his magic word dying on his lips. His eyes widened in horror. _No,_ he thought desperately. _It can't be, he couldn't POSSIBLY be here!!!_ Full of dread, Oberon slowly turned around…

And, not unexpectedly, got punched in the face. "Yo, whassup, dawg?" Satan asked amiably. He looked Oberon up and down appraisingly. "I liked you better when you were a girly Smurf, at least then your skin wasn't see-through. Though your hair's still all silky and soft and feminine, but I think it could use a trim." Oberon just stared at him, jaw hanging open in disbelief. "You should probably shut your mouth, dawg, something'll fly in there if you leave it open long enough. Plus, you're drooling. Looks weird."

"How?" Oberon asked finally, managing to coax his tongue into working again.

Satan frowned. "Hmm?"

"How?! How did you…how did you find me here?! I've been cloaking my power signature ever since I learned how, so you can't possibly have tracked me here that way! _This is one of the most secure places in the universe! One of the most secret places in the galaxy! How did you know I'd be here, and how did you get in?!"_ Oberon demanded incredulously.

Satan snorted. "Most secret place? Well, yeah, but you forget, I rule HELL. A lot of the guys that found out about this place wound up down there, so I knew everything they knew. How did I know you'd be here? Well, after I was finished pimping out my latest anti-you weapon, I couldn't find you anywhere, so deduced your addiction to magic woulda probably drawn you to the biggest source of power around, and knew it was only a matter of time before you came here. And I was right, wasn't I? As to how I got in…" He pointed a thumb back over his shoulder, at the glowing keyhole-shaped portal behind him. "You left the front door open, ya idjit."

"…Oh." The veins inside of Oberon's cheeks turned red, causing him to flush. "Well…it matters not! You cannot stop me from absorbing the Heart of the Galaxy and claiming the power that is rightfully mine!" Satan grinned sinisterly and cracked his knuckles.

A few moments later…

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Oberon as he was flung, bodily, out of the keyhole portal and fell right into one of the giant stars floating about in the galactic nucleus. It hurt. A lot.

Satan, whistling and clapping off his hands, flew out through the portal at a more leisurely pace. The keyhole shrunk and disappeared behind him, leaving the black hole a perfect light-and-mass-absorbing sphere behind him. He wasn't affected by its gravity, though. Why? Because he was Satan, duh. "Well, that was fun." The star Oberon had fallen into started becoming unstable, its surface bubbling as its solar corona flared out wildly, incinerating a lot of the stellar gas around it. "Ah, here we go." He summoned his trident to him. The weapon appeared in his left hand, looking heavily modified since the last time he had used it. The tip of the middle tine had been replaced with a piercingly sharp cone of some mysterious glowing orange crystalline substance, numerous cables and electrical components slithered down the sides of the trident's haft, and the butt had what looked like a satellite dish affixed to its end. He wound his arm back, raising the trident and waiting for the right moment to throw it.

The moment was not too long in coming. The star exploded, sending plasma, light, and flares of solar energy everywhere, accompanied by Oberon's howls of fury. At that moment, Satan flung his trident like an expert javelin thrower, right into the heart of the exploding star. The weapon pierced through the layers of burning gas, flame, and bits of stellar matter between its target and itself, sailing unfailingly through space and burying itself in Oberon's stomach. The Fae lord gasped in pain as the iron…and something else…penetrated his armor, causing his veins to darken and his muscles to visibly corrode beneath his transparent flesh as the poisonous metal infected his body. His flesh sagged, aged, and wrinkled, and his luxurious hair started shriveling up. "Uhh…no…"

"Yes," corrected Satan, grabbing the trident's haft and twisting it, digging its points deeper into Oberon's body. He flicked a switch on the side of the haft as he did so, causing the crystalline point of the middle tine to start glowing.

Despite the pain of the iron driven through his body, Oberon angrily began to gather his power, preparing to blast Satan's molecules apart…and screamed in agony as the crystalline trident tip lit up inside of him. His aura writhed and energy crackled around him, power flowing from his body, into the crystal, down the length of the trident, and into the dish at the end. Satan quickly repositioned himself so that the butt of the trident was pointed at the open mouth on his chest, and so when a beam of energy shot from the tip of the dish's transmitter, it entered the roaring inferno burning inside of Satan's body.

The beam kept shooting into the Devil King as the trident did the job its master had remodeled it for, draining energy from Oberon via the crystal tip imbedded in his chest and feeding it to Satan. As the trident continued drawing energy, Oberon's skin became slightly less translucent, the glow and flow of energy within his body started to dim and ebb a bit, and his aura diminished significantly, becoming less chaotic and somewhat more manageable. Oberon's screams of anguish became groans as he felt himself getting weaker and weaker, his body no longer brimming with nearly as much magical might as he had possessed just moments ago. Satan, on the other hand, looked to be getting even more powerful as he fed on the energy he was draining from Oberon's body, his already bulging muscles getting even bigger and more powerful, while darkness started to pour off him with every movement he made, creating eerie black after-images. "Woo! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" He wrenched his trident out of Oberon's chest, causing the Fae Lord to gasp in pain, and admired his muscles. "I didn't really need the extra juice, but I suppose it can never hurt to get a free refill, especially after all the work I spent into remaking this thing!" He stroked his modified trident lovingly.

"What…what have you done?!" croaked Oberon as his body slowly recovered from the deteriorating effects of the iron, now that it had been removed from him. "My power…it…what have you done with my power?!"

"Chillax, dawg, you still got all the powers you stole from everyone using that stupid crystal," Satan said dismissively. "Your _energy,_ on the other hand…well, that's another thing altogether. Y'see this orange crystal thingamabob here?" he asked, pointing to the crystalline middle tine of his trident. "This here's a rare substance called 'nethicite,' found only on Ivalice, which you blew up, as I recall. Nethicite, much like the Crystal of Ix, has the power to absorb magic…but it only takes energy, not actual living things, like Ix does. After you used your Ultimaga spell to blow up a solar system, I realized your magical energy levels were way out of control! If you had absorbed the Heart of the Galaxy…hell, if you had absorbed so much more, at this stage, as a single pissant _magical girl…_you woulda gone kablooey, and wiped out this galaxy and a buncha others! And I couldn't have that, considering you still have Babygirl inside you. Plus, if you blew up all this prime real estate, where the heck would I be able to build my dream house? I've been planning it for over fifty thousand years, I couldn't let that all go up in smoke just because a stupid-ass Smurf in bad need of a haircut got too big for his britches and tried to absorb all the magic in the universe!" He patted his trident. "So, to prevent that from happening, I scrounged up all the nethicite I could find in the ruins of Ivalice, then went back to my laboratory in Hell to affix it to my trident and convert the trident itself into a device capable of draining excess magical energy much in the same way a coolant rod absorbs excess radiation from a nuclear reactor. By doing that, and taking the energy into myself, I could keep y'all from going critical and having a jumbo-sized meltdown! 'Course, since you've still got all that conflicting magic inside you, the energy will just build up again…but I think I can take you down for good before you reach the critical threshold again."

Oberon was stunned. Hundreds of questions were flying through his head, but only one of them made it to his mouth and was spoken out loud. "…You have a _laboratory?!"_

Satan nodded. "Yep, and masters' degrees in advanced chemistry, biology, metallurgy, engineering, nearly all forms of physics, most kinds of magic, alchemy, history, quantum mechanics, theology, art, home ec, and a shitload of other stuff too. When you live as long as I do, dawg, you gotta find some way to occupy your time. Torturing the damned for eternity is fun, and so's huge orgies that last for hundreds of years, but there ain't nothing like good ol' ed-u-ma-cation!" He frowned. "Though for some reason, a lotta people think I shoula took Speech class. Where the heck they got that idea, I dunno. Now…uh…where were we?"

"I was about to destroy you for draining my energy and preventing me from gaining the power of Galactic Heart!" Oberon snarled. "You may have severely reduced my strength, but I still have more than enough power to-"

"No you don't," Satan interrupted, hitting Oberon with a punch so hard that it knocked him out of the galactic nucleus and sent him flying across the length of half the galaxy, crashing into a lifeless rogue planet floating in a gap between a pair of spiral arms. "See? I can cream you without even really trying," Satan said as he teleported over to Oberon as he pulled himself out of the wreckage of the shattered planet, grabbed him by the neck, and hurled him away again, this time throwing the Fae Lord the length of the _entire _galaxy before his fall was arrested by an incredibly hot blue supergiant star. The collision with the star caused it to go nova, destroying some nearby asteroids and comets and one barren world and naturally causing Oberon unbelievable pain. "I'm just that good," Satan added as he appeared next to the recovering Oberon as his skin regrew from having been burnt off by the blue supergiant. "And you know why?" Rather than letting Oberon answer or attack, Satan immediately skewered the Fae Lord on his trident, weakening him further with iron poisoning, then raised him into the air and grabbed the elf's legs in one of his secondary arms and his long hair in the other. Then, with an impressive display of brute strength, Satan easily ripped Oberon in two, causing his howls of agony to shake the cosmos as blood, ichor, and innards spilled out into space, crystallizing and freezing almost instantly as they were exposed to the intense cold of the stellar vacuum. "Because I'm the best at what I do." He casually tossed the two halves of Oberon away, generously allowing them to pull themselves back together. In the meantime he grabbed the Fae lord's liver, one of the organs which had fallen out when Satan had ripped Oberon in half, defrosted it with a burst of flame, and then started munching on it. "Mmm, Elf liver." He offered some to the hell-serpent on his right arm, to his living afro, and to the female form growing on his back, knowing they would all complain if he didn't share. "I wonder if you could make some good haggis outta this?"

It didn't take Oberon very long to reattach the two halves of his body and regenerate his missing organs. Once he was back to normal, he demanded of Satan, "How are you doing this?!"

Satan looked up from the handheld video game he had been playing ever since he had finished eating Oberon's liver. "Hmm?"

"You may have drained my power, but I'm _still_ stronger than I was when we fought at Ivalice, and I managed to defeat you there!" Oberon said furiously, his whole face glowing red, which was really freaky since his skin was transparent and you could see his skull and veins and eyeballs and teeth and stuff. "So if that's the case, _how is it that you keep managing to humiliate me?!"_

"Oh, that's easy," Satan said, putting his video game into the burning mouth in his chest. "You only managed to beat me at Ivalice by taking me by surprise. If you'll remember properly, I was _whuppin' yo ass_ so damn hard that I burned mosta your skin off. As to how I managed to whup you then, and am _still_ doing it now…well the thing is, earlier I was holding back."

There was a long pause. Oberon's face had gone pale, which was another freaky thing to see, for the same reasons as before. "Holding…back?"

"Yeah, like those wannabes on DBZ. You know, the way they compartmentalize their power and use only a fraction of it and then, when it looks like they're losing, they go all, 'Hahaha, I was just playing, here's my real power!' And then their muscles swell up and their hair grows stupid long—like yours, I might add—and they're screaming for like ten minutes without losing their breath and all glowy and shit, then they fight even harder, until the next guy goes, 'Hahaha, I was just playing too, _here's_ my real power!' and then _they_ start yelling, and…well, you get the drift, a ridiculous cycle of one-upsmanship which draws a fight out for twenty or thirty or a hundred episodes, and leads to endless new seasons where the characters constantly get even MORE powerful, and…I'm losing you, aren't I?" Oberon nodded slowly. "Right, suffice it to say that I was only using a fraction of my real power to fight you earlier, and I'm using more of it to wipe the floor with you now. If I used too much, though, I'd risk damaging the fabric of the universe! And while that's something I'd love to do, it'd piss off a bunch of other people I'm not quite ready to deal with just yet, so for the time being I keep the main part of my power in reserve, for the day I'll finally get to cut loose with it and bring all that is to ruin."

"A fraction…" murmured Oberon. "Yes, I see, that would explain it. Just as I was holding back from using the power of the Keyblade against you before and now, because I have still yet to fathom the depths of its incredibly complex and powerful magic. Once I truly understand its power, I can use it to make the fabric of time and space bow to my will, for it is the key to all reality and perhaps the ultimate method of controlling it…but for the moment, to me it's just another magical weapon that happens to have the ability to unlock all barriers and makes it easier to obtain power sources, such as the unfathomable energy in the Heart of the Galaxy." He folded his arms. "So, if you were using only a fraction of your power before, then may I presume that you are using all of it now, to defeat me?"

Satan blinked. "All of…" He burst into laughter. As did his afro. And his hell-serpent. And the female form growing on the back of his body. And the mouth on his chest. Oberon's face went even redder than before, as he did not much like being laughed at. Before he could do something that would get him horribly maimed and disemboweled, Satan answered his question, still heaving with laughter. "You…hahaha…give yourself too much credit, dawg! I was…ahahahahaha…only using a TENTH of my power before! And now? NOW I'm using a QUARTER!"

Oberon's bloodshot eyes bulged. His transparent face turned pale, the blood flow in his facial veins slowing. "A _Q_-_QUARTER?!_ You've been throwing me across the galaxy using only a QUARTER your power?! Which means that before…" A look of pure horror crossed his face.

Satan nodded, his laughter fading to a strong chuckle. "That's right, I was able to nearly kill you before and throw back everything you had using only a tenth of my full power. Hell, I'm not even really at a quarter, more like twenty-three percent. I boosted myself to twenty when I came to face you in the galactic nucleus, but all the excess energy I drained offa you pushed me up to twenty-three or so. Y'see, I may hate your guts, and you may be a threat to the galaxy and my plans to build a summer house here, but honestly, you aren't worth me using much more of my power than that. Hell, even if you had managed to absorb the Heart of the Galaxy without blowing yourself up, you _still_ wouldn't be worth me using my full power, more like fifty or sixty percent of it, if that!" He shook his head. "Dawg, you may think you're the shit just 'cause you've been using that Crystal a' yours to jack the magic of everyone you've run across and are pissing off the Powers that Be, but honestly, I've got worse enemies than you…hell, I've got _friends_…that are way stronger than you are now, and if I had to fight 'em I'd use more of my power against them than I'm using on you right now in a heartbeat. You? You just ain't worth it, man. You're _nothing._"

Oberon's transparent face reddened…as did most of his body…as more blood rushed through his veins, and energy started crackling around him, his aura, which had been subdued since Satan drained his energy, flaring up around him. "You…you _dare_…to call Oberon, Lord of the Fae, Ruler of the Third Race, _nothing?!_"

"Yes," Satan said nonchalantly. "I do."

"ULTIMAGA!" Oberon bellowed.

The green power of one of the mightiest forbidden spells exploded out from his body, creating a blast so enormous that it could be seen by observers from outside the galaxy, puzzling alien astronomers who looked through their telescopes and saw what appeared to be an immense green star briefly flare into life, then just as suddenly disappear again. The explosion was so great that it devastated space in every direction for almost ten parsecs (and since one parsec equals 3.262 light-years, and a light-year is the distance a particle or beam of light can travel in one year, you can imagine that's quite a big blast) and obliterated a very tiny chunk of the galaxy. Fortunately, there was nothing important in that chunk, so nobody really missed it. Interstellar gas was incinerated. Worlds shattered. Stars burst. Molecules boiled and broke down into their respective quarks and gluons, releasing even more energy and causing smaller explosions to go off all over the place. The fabric of reality was momentarily torn asunder, revealing a startled Time Lord a few dimensions over taking a shower. He yelped and quickly pulled the fabric back in place, hoping nobody had noticed.

Satan had noticed, and was very amused. He was also completely unharmed by the Ultimaga explosion, something that caused Oberon's jaw to drop once again. Far too late, the Fae Lord finally began to realize that he might just be in over his head. "Well, that was fun," Satan quipped, brushing off some cosmic dust. "Now it's my turn."

What Satan then proceeded to do to Oberon was so horrible and indescribable that…oh all right, he raped him. A lot. And did a number of other unbelievably gruesome, vile, sickening, and inhumane things as well, but he also raped Oberon repeatedly while doing all of these things. If there's one thing Satan's good at, other than the obvious, it's multitasking. Oberon struggled, naturally, but Satan either ignored his pitiful attempts to break free or ruthlessly squashed them, further breaking the Fae Lord's spirit (as well as most of his body).

After an hour of incredible violence, brutality, abuse, violation, and suffering, Satan decided it was time to move on to the next phase in his plan to totally destroy Oberon. "Well, that was fun," he told the gibbering, trembling, pitiful wreck that had once been a proud, arrogant, and kind of crazy nigh-omnipotent elf just a little while ago. "Now it's time for me to further ruin your life! I'm sending you back to the hood, boy, wait'll you see what my homies have been up to while you were gone!" The mention of his home seemed to elicit some reaction from Oberon's shattered psyche. Before the Fae Lord could regain more than a tenuous grip on his insanity, Satan cheerfully grabbed Oberon by the face and hurled him across the galaxy again. But this time, he was aiming for a specific target. One _very_ significant to Oberon.

Satan chuckled as he vanished into the darkness. "Oh, won't _this_ be a fun homecoming…."

…

Four warriors, two of them Keyblade masters, one a highly trained (and somewhat dim) talking dog-man, the other a rather overweight cat-like thing with an enormous grudge and something to prove, versus an army of about a couple hundred or so clones of an arrogant, egotistical, power-mad Fae Lord. It certainly made for a rather unfair fight. Roxas almost felt sorry for the clones as he began to wipe the floor with them. It wasn't like they _really_ had a chance against Sora's Nobody and the former thirteenth member of the infamous Organization XIII.

"Hyah!" Roxas slashed his Keyblade, one half of the Hellblazer Satan had given Sora, vertically, shattering the Keyblades of one of the clone Oberons and splitting the clone in two. He then spun the Keyblade in a horizontal slash around him, repelling half a dozen clones that had lunged at him for a brief moment. He then flipped into the air and slammed his Keyblade into the ground, shouting, "CLEAR LIGHT!" This caused the floor to light up and release a tremendous flash which not only momentarily blinded the clones around him but either destroyed or damaged the ones closest to him. He then leaped back into the air and twirled about, his body flashing and causing several glowing white Nobody symbols to appear in midair and fly out from around him, lasers shooting down from their undersides and slicing their way through the horde beneath him.

Most of the clones dodged through the gaps between beams and either leaped into the air and started flying towards Roxas or began bombarding him with powerful spells from the ground. Roxas nimbly flipped and twirled about through the air like an acrobat, dodging and occasionally deflecting the spells with a swing from his Keyblade, sending them hurtling back into many of the clones flying towards him. When they began to get a little too close for comfort, Roxas grinned, tightened his hold on the Keyblade…

And abruptly dove towards the floor just as the clones lunged at him, causing them to collide with each other. Pointing his free hand back up at the confused elves, Roxas called, "Pearlra!" and launched a series of rapid-fire light-based energy balls which either wounded or destroyed the dazed clones. The Oberon duplicates down below raised their Keyblades into the air, both to fire spells at him and impale Roxas on them just in case he fell too close to the ground. Not in the mood to oblige them, Roxas hurled his Keyblade down at the ground rushing towards him, causing a wave of powerful light energy to wash out across the floor, blowing away and destroying many of the clones.

He dropped to the ground and removed his Keyblade, immediately bringing it up to block a potentially fatal blow from one of the Oberon clones. However, that only stopped one Keyblade, and the clone had three others, the lower two of which swung at him from the sides in a scissors strike at the same time the third Keyblade thrusted right towards his face. Reacting with the lightning-fast reflexes of a true Keyblade master, Roxas quickly grabbed the shaft of the blade aimed at his face with his free hand, stopping its forward momentum, then quickly kicked off the ground to avoid the two Keyblades aimed at his sides, flipping up and over the startled clone. He landed neatly behind the duplicate and spun around before it could react, slicing it in two with his Keyblade. "Ha! Beat that!"

The other clones certainly tried to as they rushed him from all sides. Roxas smirked as one Oberon replica in particular stood out, moving faster than the others towards Roxas, practically gliding towards the Nobody while howling for blood. Feeling in the mood to oblige it, Roxas dashed towards the clone, drawing back his Keyblade while sending out a wave of Nobody-sigil lasers all around him to decimate the ranks of the clones surrounding him. Roxas rushed towards the charging clone, crying out loud enough to be heard over the duplicate's howls. They came together at last, their blades clashing. Time seemed to stop for a moment. Then, both of them continued forward past the other, carried by their momentum. Roxas grunted and fell to one knee. The Oberon clone laughed triumphantly…before abruptly falling to pieces. "Heh," Roxas said as he got back to his feet. "I'm just that good." He frowned when, unimpressed, the other clones rushed towards him en masse. "What, you don't believe me? Well, I'll just have to prove it to you, won't I?"

Roxas leaped high into the air, hovering in place above the pack of mad Oberons below. Before they could fire spells or fly at him, Roxas summoned a ring of Nobody-sigil lasers which spun around him, slicing through the clones gathered beneath him before they could attack. Of course, that only dealt with the ones closest to him. For the rest, the Nobody had something a bit more special in mind. He flung his Keyblade into the air above him and thrusted both his hands out to his sides, calling upon the power of light within him and causing a pair of immense glowing pearly energy orbs to appear on either side of him. "Suck on this! HOLY JUDGMENT!" He laughed maniacally, Hellblazer spinning in place over his head, as the Nobody-sigil lasers spun out all around him and the energy orbs began firing hundreds of Pearl-like holy elemental shots which rained down all over the place, blowing dozens of the clones to smithereens and keeping up too steady a bombardment for any of the others to regroup and strike back. "Oh yeah, this is just like shooting fish in a barrel! WITH AN AK-47! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He chuckled and wiped away a tear. "Oh, man, I'm just too evil…boy, I wish Axel were here. He'd love to get in on some of this."

Roxas was not the only one having fun violently destroying the Oberon clones. Sora was doing his fair share of slaughtering replicas, aided by his Keyblade power and Heartless instincts. While Roxas moved about and fought like a fleet-footed warrior, Sora pranced and danced around his foes like an agile beast, striking at blinding speed with claws, fangs, and Keyblade, vanishing swiftly into darkness whenever it seemed like he was about to be hit by one of the Oberon clones. Not for lack of trying on their part, anyway.

"HOLYGA!" a number of the replicas bellowed, joining forces to bring down a pillar of holy energy from the heavens (well, okay, more like the upper reaches of the giant hollow crystal chamber) to strike at the Heartless Sora. Reflecting briefly on how weird it was to be on the receiving end of a light-based attack for a change, Sora quickly did as the Shadow Heartless did and slid into the ground just before the Holy spell could blast him, becoming a two-dimensional patch of darkness almost invisible to the eye. As a shadow, he quickly slipped out of the way of the holy blast as it struck the ground where he had just been standing, sliding between the legs of one of the clones and hiding in the shadows which were thrown up by the immense explosion of light. He had done his vanishing trick only milliseconds before he could have been hit by the Holyga beam, so the clones nearby certainly were not expecting him to suddenly pop out of the ground behind them and slice at their backs with the Hellblazer, ending their copied existences.

As the duplicates disintegrated and faded away, the others howled with fury and charged at him with their Keyblades, climbing on top of each other and swooping down towards him from the air. Sora quickly vanished into the floor again just before they could reach him, causing the clones to crash into each other and pile up rather comically. Sora burst out of the ground from underneath some of the clones nearby, tearing them apart as he spun out from their mass and up into the air, hurling blasts of dark energy all around him and blowing away a few of the duplicates. Some of the clones tore themselves off the fumbling and confused heap below and glided through the air towards Sora. However, they weren't the only ones capable of flight, and Sora demonstrated that he was just as adept in the air as they were by gracefully dancing about, flipping over and around every strike the clones made at him, evading their every Keyblade slash and holy spell. "I learned how to fly from Peter Pan!" Sora boasted. "Where'd you get your flying lessons from, that Launchpad guy?"

As a few angry Oberons closed in on him, Sora performed an aerial dance kick to momentarily knock their Keyblades out of the way, allowing him to twirl around and rip their chests open with his claws and Hellblazer, yellow eyes glowing in amusement as they writhed in anguish and dissipated. The glow brightened as he spun about through the air like a giant wheel, darkness trailing from his form as he sliced through more clones like a flying buzzsaw. Many clones either flew out of the way or tried to guard themselves using their Keyblades, but Sora dealt with the former by lashing out with his claws as they passed and by smashing the faux Keyblades to pieces with incredibly fast repeated blows from his darker, more powerful one. It was pretty fun, but he got kind of dizzy after a while from all the spinning. "Whoo…that was cool…hey, why are Angel Star Heartless fluttering around my head?" he wondered giddily.

"HOLYRA!" all the Oberons in the air and on the ground cried out at once, trying to make up for the spell's lack of power with sheer numbers, sending over fifty powerful beams of light energy at Sora from just about every angle.

His yellow eyes widened in alarm. "Whu-oh." Just before he could be hit, he disappeared in a burst of darkness; the Holyra spells converging where he had just been and exploding in a tremendous blast of light. The clones grinned, foolishly believing they had killed the Heartless Keyblade Master. They were proven wrong when Sora reappeared in another burst of darkness and violently shredded one of the clones to pieces in a flurry of claws and Keyblade strikes, then vanished and reappeared near another clone, which he similarly dispatched, then vanished and reappeared and killed still another, repeating the process until he had annihilated about a dozen of the replicas. By this time the Oberons decided to do something about it, the whole bunch of them rising into the air to attack Sora. The Keyblade master smirked and gave them what they wanted, dancing about through the air, warping all over the place and occasionally flinging dark energy blasts when he felt like it, wiping out clone after clone with nary a scratch.

Of course, that's when their senses started heightening, and so the next time he warped away he found himself surrounded by angry Oberons swinging their Keyblades at him the instant he reappeared. He yelped and warped again; breaking out into a spinning wheel of darkness the instant he reappeared again to knock away the clones he had suspected would be waiting for him. "Okay, this is getting a little too close…time to stop messing around!"

He transformed into a spinning wheel of darkness again to reduce the number of clones, and then quickly dove down to the ground, immediately warping away before the duplicates below could attack and reappearing just above them. Clutching his Keyblade in both hands, he pointed it down at the clones, even as more of them flew back up towards him or swooped down at him, gathering power in a ball of dark energy at the Hellblazer's tip. The ball abruptly exploded, causing numerous glowing energy blades to go flying all over the place, slicing through the ranks of all the clones that had foolishly gotten too close to him and ripping them apart. As the blades continued flying everywhere, tearing up the clones in the air, Sora dropped back to the ground, driving his Keyblade right through the head of one of the duplicates and continuing down through its body, splitting it apart before finally colliding with the floor, where it unleashed a powerful dark energy wave which obliterated the nearest three dozen clones. Sora knew, of course, there were still a lot more to deal with. Pulling his Keyblade out of the ground, he charged towards them, having no intention of letting up until he had defeated every last version of Oberon and saved his friends.

Goofy didn't have a Keyblade, but then again, a case could be made saying he didn't need one. He was, after all, Captain of the Royal Disney Knights, and as such could hold his own…even if he had been knocked out the most when he had been fighting alongside Donald and Sora…er…never mind, let's just see how he's doing, okay?

In any event, Goofy was doing very well, much to the surprise of the Oberon clones, who had thought him to be just another weak mortal. They thought differently when their Keyblades failed to penetrate his marvelous Moogle-synthesized Save the King+ shield, and when that same shield then decapitated or bisected them with its surprisingly sharp edge. "Get outta the way!" Goofy hollered, charging forward through the ranks of Oberon clones, smashing his shield in the faces of any which did not heed his warning, which, naturally, was most of them. They ended up piling up on the other side of his shield, stacked on top of each other, all clawing and snarling and trying to thrust their Keyblades behind his guard and slay him. Of course, Goofy wouldn't let them. He abruptly stopped his charge when there were too many clones getting carried on the front of his shield for even him to push, and the duplicates were flung off, falling on top of each other and getting tangled in a confused heap on the ground.

Before they could get up, and before the other surrounding clones could drive their Keyblades into Goofy, the Knight Captain leaped on top of the pile of dazed duplicates and started rapidly spinning around. "Goofy Tornado!" By spinning at high speeds in the opposite direction of his usual tornado attack, Goofy was able to fling enemies away, rather than drawing them close to him. As a result, Goofy managed to blow the entire heap of Oberon clones away from him, throwing them all over the place and causing them to crash into the active clones that had been charging towards him, knocking them over and leaving most of the elves groaning in pain and confusion on the ground. The clones that had not been hit by the flying missiles kept coming, however, heedlessly trampling over their own kind in their desire to kill the champion of the Disney Kingdom.

Hollering wildly, Goofy landed from his tornado spin and ran forwards to meet them. He flung his shield out to the side, apparently away from the clones. The Oberons laughed at what they perceived to be mortal foolishness, believing that he had thrown away his only weapon and would now be totally vulnerable to their Keyblades.

They were, naturally, wrong. Goofy was tall and clumsy, but he was also pretty limber, and his body seemed to be able to bend in ways that most people's spines would be unable to match to evade rapid thrusts and slashes from the myriad Keyblades chopping down at him. He also fought back pretty well, punching and kicking through openings in the clone's defenses and breaking some of their noses, ribs, and teeth. Unfortunately, his attacks weren't as strong as theirs, and despite his surprisingly high evasion, he started collecting a large assortment of bleeding cuts and bruises. Sensing he was tired, the clones raised their Keyblades and shouted as they closed in on him, ready to finish the dog-man…

And that's when Goofy's shield returned, spinning at incredible speeds from all the momentum it had built up on the long arc Goofy had thrown it on. Like a boomerang, it came back to its master right when he needed it most, scything through the ranks of clones as it went; severing limbs, decapitating heads, and ripping right through more than one torso before finally getting caught by Goofy. Unfortunately, he had underestimated the strength of his earlier throw, and as a result, even after he had grabbed the shield, it just…kept going. Dragging the knight with it. "WA-HA-HA-HOOOEEEEEYYYY!" Goofy howled as he was carried away by his shield, bowling over any clone in his path. The Oberons blinked and stared at each other, not sure what to make of this.

Pete was doing just as well…okay, maybe a little better…than Goofy. After all, he had an iron mace, which Oberon was especially vulnerable to. His clones were no different. All it took was a single solid hit from his (stolen) weapon to make the replicas crumble into dust. Not even the clones' Keyblades were strong enough to deflect the mace's blows; they shattered like glass beneath the weapon's iron. "Raaaahhh!" Pete 'raaaahed', lashing out with the mace in a wide backhand swing which destroyed six clones at once. Another clone dashed towards him from behind, but Pete swiveled around and knocked the Keyblades out of the duplicate's grasp with his free hand, grabbing the elf by the neck and smashing its face into the ground. He then raised his mace, keeping the clone pinned to the ground, and brought the weapon down in a crushing blow that split open the elf's skull like a ripe melon. Hearing about five or so Oberons howling as they swooped down on him from behind, Pete reached into his torn and dirty tux, pulled out a handful of explosives, and spun around, hurling the bombs at the clones as he did so. They detonated on impact, destroying the replicas in a satisfying series of explosions.

Pete smirked and looked around, noticing that while he was surrounded by clones, the Oberons were keeping their distance, eyeing his mace warily. They had seen him take down enough of their own with it by now to realize its power. Pete chuckled and patted the mace's head in one hand. "Oho, are the widdle blue Smurfs scareded of my big bad iron mace? Are the Smurfs gonna cwy?" His grin became more sinister. "Give back Maleficent, now, and I won't ram this up your asses and rip out your intestines as many times as it takes to get her back."

Rather than surrender, the Oberons instead pointed their hands at Pete and cast a powerful spell. "FLARERA!" Immediately, several dozen tremendously powerful bolts of flame shot down at Pete from above and all sides.

"Aw crud," Pete grimaced, quickly pressing a stud on his belt buckle just before the flares collided with him, creating an enormous explosion that rocked the platform. The Oberons smirked as a pillar of smoke and flame rose from the spot where Pete had just been, confident that they had triumphed. That smirk was wiped away when the smoke cleared, revealing that Pete was still standing, albeit in a blackened and slightly melted crater, surrounded by a glowing reddish spherical force shield. "Ha!" Pete barked, laughing at the stunned expressions on the faces of the duplicates. "Pete's invincible!" It had been a good thing he had remembered to wear the force-field belt one of Maleficent's techie allies had built for him a while back to their wedding. It had seemed a reasonable precaution at the time, considering he was marrying a powerful witch prone to lighting him on fire when he made her angry, and many of the guests at the wedding had plenty of reasons to either want them dead or not joined together. "Let's see you get at me now, boys!" He wasn't going to tell them his belt could only hold up the shield for a little under a minute at a time without overheating and shutting down

Unfortunately, one of the clones called his bluff, pointed a Keyblade at him, and fired a pencil-thin blue energy beam from its tip. The beam struck Pete's force field, causing a keyhole-shaped image to appear on its surface, glow, and make a clicking sound, as if something was unlocking. The force field flickered and abruptly vanished, Pete's belt shutting down. The cat-man-thing's face fell. "Aw, crap." Assuming the faux Keyblade hadn't shorted out his belt altogether, it would be a couple of minutes before it had recharged enough to make another force field, and if the clones tried another big group spell like that in the interim, he was toast. He might not be killed, thanks to all the protective charms and stuff Merlin had given them, but he was sure it would smart something fierce. He wondered for a moment why Sora had never thought of that trick all the times they had fought before.

Putting that thought aside, he tried bluffing again. It was something he was good at. "Well, I've still got this iron skullbreaker here, any of you wanna try your luck against it?" He patted the mace's head in his hand in an intimidating manner.

Unfortunately, the clones seemed willing to call that bluff, too. "Magnera!" one of them called, stretching out a hand and causing a crackling ball of electromagnetic energy to form in the air. Pete's mace quivered, and he had to tighten his grip immediately to keep it from flying out of his hands. Even so, he winced in pain at how the mace jerked his arm as it tried to wrench itself out of his grasp and give in to the magnetic energy calling to it. "Goddamn laws of physics," he growled, grabbing on to the mace's handle with both hands to keep it from flying away.

To make matters worse, some of the other clones decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to come over and stab him in the back, while he was preoccupied with trying not to let his weapon get away with him. Getting a sudden brainstorm, Pete quickly let go of his mace with one hand, causing himself to be jerked forward a few inches since he was now only holding on to the weapon with his remaining arm, and activated the device in his belt, hoping the Keyblade stunt earlier hadn't broken it. Much to his relief, the familiar reddish force field quickly sprang up around him, just before the closest Oberon could bury its Keyblade in his side. Smirking at the startled looks on the clone's faces, Pete then let go of his mace.

Still attracted by the Magnet spell, the iron weapon immediately flew into the side of Pete's force field bubble. But, since it was on the inside, it couldn't get out unless Pete shut it off. And, since he wasn't planning to shut it off anytime soon, all it could do was press against the interior of the bubble…causing it to roll forward as the inexorable magnetic power continued pulling at it. The eyes of the Oberon casting the spell opened wide, and he quickly dispelled the Magnet, but it was too late, Pete had started rolling, and when he really got going, there was little that could stop him. He slammed into the Oberon clones like a bowling ball, sending the nearest duplicates flying like knocked-down pins as he plowed through them. Pete laughed at their fate as he went by…

Until his force field shut down, and he slammed into the ground face-first, flipping over and tumbling end over end until he came to a stop on his back at the feet of one of the clones, who grinned very nastily and raised its Keyblades, ready to drive the weapons through his chest. Pete desperately reached out for the mace, but it had fallen away from him when his shield deactivated, and was now a couple of feet away and surrounded by wary Oberon clones, who certainly wouldn't let him anywhere near it if they had anything to say about it. Pete gulped, wondering for a moment if this was the end…

When Goofy, still hollering loudly and being dragged along by his shield's surprisingly strong momentum, slammed into the clone from behind, knocking it over and taking off the duplicate's head. As the clone dissolved, Pete found himself face-to-face with Goofy, who was now on top of him. "Heya Petey. How ya doing?"

Pete grimaced and shoved Goofy away from him. "Get offa me, Goof!" He clambered to his feet and scowled at the knight. "I had everything under control. Really."

Goofy nodded. "Okay."

There was a pause. Pete said nothing. Goofy said nothing. Finally, Pete sighed and said, "Thanks, Goof."

Goofy blinked. "Uh, for what? I thought you had everything under control."

Pete palmed his face. "Never mind. Just…help me get my mace back, okay?"

Goofy nodded eagerly, long ears flopping about. "Okay!"

Together, the duo managed to defeat the clones in their way and retrieve Pete's mace. But in the process, they found themselves surrounded by several dozen more angry duplicates. "Think we can take all of 'em?" Pete muttered to Goofy, standing back-to-back with the Knight Captain.

Goofy nodded. "Sure, I don't see why not."

"No, I know we can defeat 'em all, I meant do you think we can beat 'em before-" It was at that moment that Sora and Roxas swooped down from nowhere and started laying into the clones. Pete sighed and lowered his weapon. "Before _they_ show up."

"Heya Sora, long time no see!" Goofy called to Sora cordially.

"You too, Goofy!" Sora replied as he ripped open one clone's chest with his claws, leaped through it and burst out the other side, eviscerating the half-dozen replicas behind that one with a single swipe from his Keyblade.

"Hey meatbag, you're still alive?" Roxas asked rhetorically, decapitating a clone and punching another so hard his fist ripped out through the duplicate's back. He gave the finger to the clone behind that one right before driving his hand forward, shoving it up the duplicate's nose and driving it through the clone's brain, pretty much ripping its entire head apart.

"Meatbag?! How many times do I gotta tell you, I'm big-boned!" Pete snapped. Then he glanced down at his belly. "Well, and maybe a _little_ overweight…"

The twin Keyblade Masters made quick work of the surrounding clones. Unfortunately, nearly a hundred more replaced them. "Where are they all coming from?!" Roxas wondered.

"We're going to need to step it up a bit if we're going to survive this," said Sora. "Goofy, think you're up to a Limit?"

"Anytime!" Goofy said with a vigorous nod.

"Huh? What's a Limit?" asked a confused Pete.

"It's when two warriors work together in perfect synch, combining their power to unleash a devastating attack," Roxas explained. "Since Sora's taken Goofy, I guess that just leaves you and me, meatbag."

"Stop calling me a meatbag!" Pete snarled.

Goofy and Sora started glowing. "GOOFY!" yelled Sora, reaching a hand out to the knight.

"SORA!" yelled Goofy, taking the offered hand.

"TORNADO FUSION!" The duo began spinning together like whirling dervishes towards the startled Oberon clones. "WHIRLI GOOF!" They scythed through the ranks of the clones like a giant tornado, their spinning shield and Keyblade making swift work of the many Oberons. A number of the clones quickly took to the air to try and avoid the duo, but quickly found they weren't safe up there either. "WHIRLI GOOFRA!" Sora and Goofy leaped into the air, their spinning giving an added lift to their jumps and allowing them to reach the flying clones, which they then proceeded to bounce off of like pinballs, ripping them to shreds. As they fell back towards the ground, they repositioned their bodies so that they formed a wheel of sorts. "WHIRLI GOOFGA!" As a deadly spinning wheel of death, they rolled through the clones, flattening them or slicing them to bits.

"Whoa," said an amazed Pete as he watched Sora and Goofy massacre the clones.

"Now it's our turn," Roxas told the cat-man-thing.

"B-but I got no idea how to do one of these Limit thingies!" Pete protested.

"Don't worry, it's mostly automatic," Roxas assured him. "You'll get the hang of it. Maybe."

Pete swallowed. "Uh…okay, how do I start?"

"First, you have to build up your energy," Roxas explained. "It helps to focus on something, like how badly you want to win this battle, kick Oberon's ass, save your girlfriend, etc. Something like that."

"Grr…" Pete growled, tightening his grip on his mace. "That jerk Oberon! Yeah, you bet I wanna smash that guy's face in!" To his surprise, he started glowing. "Whoa! Hey, it's working!" Then the glow faded. "Huh? Where'd it go?"

"You lost your concentration," Roxas scolded. "Try again." Pete grumbled but did as Roxas said, and soon was glowing again. Roxas began concentrating himself, and he began to glow as well. "Okay. Now…PETE!"

"What?" Pete asked, looking at him and causing his glow to dissipate.

Roxas palmed his face. "You're supposed to yell my name!"

"Why?" Pete asked, looking confused.

Roxas frowned. "That's just the way it is, okay? We glow, then we yell each other's names, then we team up and start kicking ass and taking names."

"Oh, all right," said Pete.

"Okay, let's do this again," said Roxas. They both started glowing. "PETE!" Roxas called out, extending a hand towards the cat-man-thing.

"ROXAS!" Pete replied, taking Roxas' hand.

"EVIL COMBO!" Roxas leaped onto Pete's shoulders and smacked him hard on the backside with his Keyblade, causing him to yelp and charge forward, flailing his arms and mace. "STEAMROLLER!" Roxas laughed maniacally as he spurred Pete onward with repeated smacks of his Keyblade, using it to steer Pete in whichever direction he wanted, smashing all the clones in their path aside with the cat-man-thing's flailing fists, mace, and sheer bulk. "CHILD ENDANGERMENT!" With a yelp, Roxas suddenly found their positions reversed as Pete grabbed the boy off his shoulders with his free hand and started swinging him about like a club, smashing and bashing the clones around them with his body. "CIRCUS BALL!" Pete threw Roxas above him and activated his force field. Roxas landed on top of Pete and started running in place, turning the sphere under his feet and causing it to roll around, crushing and flattening any clone in its path. Any duplicate that leaped up or tried to attack Roxas got slashed in half by the boy's Keyblade. "BIG BANG!" The force field faded, and Pete grabbed Roxas, throwing the Nobody high into the air. He then pulled out a large handful of explosives and tossed them up after the Keybearer. The explosives started flashing as they flew up to Roxas' level, indicating that they were about to explode. Roxas quickly spun around, batting the bombs away from him with his Keyblade and causing them to scatter all over the large mob of Oberon clones beneath him. As he landed, the bombs exploded dramatically, wiping out a tremendous number of the duplicates. "Whoa! What a rush!"

"Ha, that wasn't half bad!" Pete bragged, resting his mace on his shoulder.

"Yeah…" Roxas frowned. "Other than the part where you used me as a weapon."

"Who's the one who attacked my backside?" Pete retorted.

Roxas grimaced. "Touche."

Sora and Goofy ran over. "Nice going, fellas!" Goofy complimented the duo.

"Yeah, I think that last series of explosions took out most of the clones!" Sora agreed. "Good going, bro!"

Sora seemed to be correct; the numbers of the horde had been reduced drastically by Pete and Roxas' Limit. There now looked to be only a couple dozen left, assuming they didn't replicate themselves again, of course. However, before the quartet could move forward to finish these stragglers off, all the clones opened their mouths and began speaking with a single voice: Oberon's. Which was probably to be expected, since they were duplicates of him anyway. "An impressive display of teamwork, mortals. But I think it would only be fair if you allowed _me_ to demonstrate a few of my own Limits, don't you?"

The quartet's eyes widened in horror. "Wait, he can do Limits too?!" Pete cried. "How's that work?!"

"Well, there's more than one of him…so, I guess it's possible for them to double up and combine their powers that way…" said an alarmed Sora.

"Uh-oh," whimpered Goofy.

Two of the Oberons came forward, joining hands as their bodies glowed, one of them briefly resembling Jack Skellington, "APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE!" They rose a few inches off the ground and flew at the party too fast for them to get out of the way. "DANCE CALL!" One clone held the other in a dancing position and twirled him around in a rapid spin which knocked the quartet away from each other. "SYNCHRONIZATION/DOWNBEAT!" As the clones kept dancing, two glowing orange jack-o-lanterns kept popping out of nowhere, knocking the heroes off their feet every time they tried to get back up and bombarding them with wailing spirits. The two clones suddenly leaped into the air while still twirling, and the jack-o-lanterns exploded, causing a veritable storm of evil spirits to attack the quartet. They were too busy fending them off to keep the Oberons from finishing their Limit. "FINALE!" The two duplicates landed back on the ground and posed stylishly, causing energy beams to rain down and blast the heroes.

"Uh!" grunted Roxas, as he was flung through the air by the blast from one of the beams and hit the ground.

"Whoa!" cried a startled Pete, tumbling head over heels.

"Waa-hoo-hoo-hooey!" hollered Goofy as he flew through the air and hit his head on the ground.

Sora groaned and tried to get back to his feet. "That's…that's Jack's attack…how is he doing that?!"

Rather than answering him, another pair of clones flew forward and started glowing. One of them briefly looked like Donald. "FLARE FORCE!" One of the Oberons raised his Keyblade and summoned fiery rockets from thin air, which rained down on the party. They had to scramble about to avoid the explosions. It got worse when the rocket-summoning Oberon jumped on the shoulders of his twin, who then began running around while the clone on his shoulders summoned even more rockets. "DUCK FLARE!"

Sora and Roxas had to warp, jump, flip, and twist through the air like the dickens to avoid all the colorful fireworks rockets. "WHOA!" Sora yelped, as one rocket exploded just inches away from him and knocked him on his back.

"I used to like shooting fireworks at people! It's not much fun being on the receiving end, though!" Roxas complained, batting a rocket away with his Keyblade.

"This is…this is Donald's Limit! How dare they use it like this?!" Goofy asked angrily, using his shield to protect himself from the rockets.

The rocket-summoning clone leaped off the shoulders of his twin and raised his Keyblades into the air. "MEGADUCK FLARE!" He began summoning several thousand rockets, which converged on the group from all sides.

"Whuh-oh," said a startled Sora. Roxas said a very bad word. Goofy glanced at his shield, not sure it could protect the others, let alone himself, from all those missiles.

"Everyone, get over here!" Pete called frantically. "I can shield us with my force field!" They quickly scrambled over to Pete without argument and hung onto his big frame, the cat-man-thing activating his shield just before the rockets could hit them. It was a very tight fit, but by clinging tightly to Pete they were just barely able to stick together as the rockets hit them one after the other, the explosions rocking the spherical force field and scorching the ground. The shield cut off sooner than usual, somewhat overloaded by the extreme number of people it had to protect, but fortunately Roxas and Sora were able to summon a quick double Reflega to deflect the last of the rockets before they could be blown away.

"That was close," Pete panted, wiping his forehead as everyone got off of him, hoping his force field device wasn't totally fried.

"How's he doing this?! That's Donald's move!" Goofy said angrily.

"Since he absorbed Donald, and Jack, he must be able to use their Limits, as well as their magic," Roxas theorized.

"But that means...he can use the Limits of any of our friends he's absorbed, too!" a horrified Sora realized.

"Correct!" the Oberons crowed. "And Donald and Jack Skellington aren't the only ones I possess! Let's see how you handle the power of the Genie!"

The quartet's eyes widened and they glanced at each other in horror. Pete groaned. "This can't be good."

It wasn't. Eight Oberons stepped forward, and in a great puff of blue and magenta smoke, four of them grew larger, gained turbans, and had their outfits change color to match each of Sora's four Drive Forms. "VALOR!" called the Oberon pair whose genie-Oberon was dressed in red. The genie-Oberon, much to the quartet's surprise, suddenly transformed into a giant hand, which the normal clone grabbed. "SONIC!" The clone then proceeded to smack them around with the giant hand.

"This is—ow!—ridiculous! We're being—uhf!—beaten up by a giant hand!" Roxas protested as they got slapped repeatedly by the giant hand, each smack knocking them further into the air and rendering them unable to defend themselves from the next hit.

"That's—ack!--Genie for you," Sora grunted.

"What does—ow, ow!—this have to do with—aaaiiieee!—sound anyway?!" Pete demanded.

The giant hand backed off, but it only gave them a moment's respite. Before they could fall all the way back to the ground, the Oberons cried, "RAVE!" and the giant hand curled into a fist and shot at them like a rocket, dragging the normal Oberon with it. It smashed into them, flinging all over the place, before arcing up into the air and changing back to normal.

It was then the turn of the next pair of Oberons to attack. "WISDOM!" they cried, relying on the power of the blue-clothed genie-Oberon. "STRIKE!" The genie-Oberon spun around, firing magic bullets from its fingertips. This attack, fortunately, the group was able to recover enough to defend against. Roxas and Sora either nimbly evaded the bullets or deflected them with their Keyblades, Goofy hid behind his shield, and Pete raised his force field, which thankfully was still in working order. These defense measures proved equally useful when the Oberons then cried, "JUDGMENT!" in which the normal clone grabbed the genie by its legs and swung it around, firing bullets in all directions.

But no sooner did the bullets stop firing when the next pair, in the yellow of Sora's Master Form, attacked. "MASTER!" The genie-Oberon grabbed the normal one and glided towards the group, swinging the smaller clone around like a billy-club, much as Pete had used Roxas as a weapon earlier, and the Valor genie-Oberon had been used by his clone partner. "ARCANA!" Much like the Valor Oberon's Sonic attack, the Arcana move was too fast for the four heroes to dodge, and they found themselves getting smacked around a lot. It got worse, naturally, when the clones shouted, "BASH!" and abruptly the genie-Oberon turned into a giant head and hands, the normal clone jumping into its mouth, grabbing the genie's four Keyblades, and firing magic bullets everywhere from the tip of all eight weapons.

"This is ridiculous," grumbled Pete, activating his barrier again, while Goofy shielded himself and the Keybearers showed off their skill at deflecting projectiles once more.

"Yeah, a-hyuck, what does this have to do with bashing stuff?" Goofy agreed. Pete rolled his eyes.

However, the worst was yet to come. As the Master Form genie-Oberon retreated, the white-clad Final Form version and his normal clone companion came forward. "Uh oh," Sora said, steeling himself. "Get ready guys, this is going to hurt."

Pete blinked. "It is?"

Roxas nodded. "Final Form is Sora's strongest Drive Form, so naturally its Genie's as well."

"Ah," said Pete. "Crap."

"FINAL!" the last genie and clone pair cried, their forms glowing. "INFINITY!" They then proceeded to live up to that attack name by hitting the group with a series of incredibly rapid and pretty much unavoidable physical attacks that seemed to last forever and hurt like hell. It hurt even worse when abruptly the clones backed off, giving the quartet a moment to moan in pain and realize how much that had hurt, right before they found themselves being levitated into the air, held in place telekinetically so they couldn't even move to protect themselves. Grinning sinisterly, the clones unleashed their final attack. "IMPACT!" The genie-Oberon flicked a finger. And just like that, a seemingly endless barrage of magic bullets assailed the heroes, smashing into their bodies, cracking ribs, breaking limbs and bones, and generally pulverizing them for a straight minute and a half before the volley finally, mercifully ended, and they were promptly dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes, breaking more bones in the process. They lay there, groaning in horrible pain and generally feeling awful. Pete wondered briefly if it was too late to surrender.

Laughing triumphantly, all the remaining clones stepped forward and blended together, merging to become the one, true Oberon. "That was but a small taste of my power," the Fae Lord taunted. "I haven't even shown you some of the other Limits I've learned by absorbing Mickey, Kairi and Riku! Perhaps I should test them out on you now? Unless, of course, you care to admit your foolishness in coming here and agree to bow down to my superiority?"

"No…fucking…way!" Roxas snarled, managing to lever himself partway off the ground with his Keyblade. "I'm not gonna let…a hippie Smurf like you…take me down!"

"We won't stop…until we get our friends back!" Sora snarled, already mostly recovered from the attack. Apparently Heartless didn't have bones, so while the attack had hurt a lot, it hadn't done as much internal damage to him as it had to the others. Mainly because he didn't actually have innards in this form. Go figure.

"I swore an oath to…cough…protect the Disney Kingdom and its people! Which means I'll…ugh…keep fighting until they're free from you! It's my job, a-hyuck!" Goofy wheezed, trying to use his shield to push himself off.

"Um…yeah…what they said…" Pete rasped. "I'd, uh, get up too, but…I think one of my ribs punctured my lungs…kinda having trouble breathing over here…"

Oberon laughed. "You can barely get up! How do you fools expect to be able to stand against me in your current condition?"

"CURAGA!" Roxas and Sora cried. Instantly, all four of them were healed completely.

"Oh," Oberon said with a sulk.

Roxas smirked. "You were saying?"

Oberon glared at them for a moment. Then he grinned sinisterly. "You wish to face me? Very well." He held his hands out to his sides. Riku and Kairi's Keyblades appeared in his hands, and a second set of arms grew from underneath the first ones, clutching Nosimono and King Mickey's Keyblades as well. "Then prepare to meet your end." His form blurred, and he abruptly vanished.

The quartet looked around in confusion. "Where'd he-" Goofy started.

"Out of the way!" Sora yelled, quickly lunging at thin air behind the dog-man. He collided with Oberon just as the blue elf reappeared, ready to drive a Keyblade through the Knight Captain's back. The impact knocked the startled Oberon to the ground, and Sora immediately started clawing and biting at him.

"Get…OFF ME!" Oberon bellowed, blasting Sora off him with a wave of psychic force. He lashed out with his Keyblade, sending a tremendous energy wave racing towards the Heartless, but Goofy leaped in front of Sora and broke the wave on his shield. Roxas leapfrogged over Sora and Goofy's backs and soared towards Oberon, firing Pearl shots and sending out Nobody-sigil lasers. Pete tried to sneak up on Oberon from behind while he was distracted deflecting and evading Roxas' attack, but the elf sensed him immediately and bent his lower arms backwards, the limbs elongating and stretching towards the startled cat-man-thing with deadly sharp Keyblades aimed for his heart. Pete quickly raised his force field for a brief moment, and then, the instant after the two weapons had ricocheted off his barrier, lowered it and lashed out with his mace, striking the two elongated limbs just under the wrists. Oberon cried out in pain as the iron made contact with his flesh, and his hands flew open, momentarily losing their grip on the stolen Keyblades and causing them to briefly vanish. Pete eagerly lunged forwards, hoping to take advantage of the Fae Lord's momentary weakness, but Oberon's long lustrous locks started shaking, firing needle-sharp hairs at Pete and forcing him to quickly raise his force field again to keep from being turned into a pincushion by the projectiles. Unfortunately, Oberon's extra limbs had recovered by then, and smacked him away while he was still in his force field, causing him to roll away head-over-heels. "Whooaaaa!"

With that distraction out of the way, Oberon leaped into the air and flew towards Roxas, gliding around the sigil-beams and allowing the Pearl shots to hit him without causing any evident damage. Rather than get intimidated by this, Roxas smirked and shot down like a bullet to meet Oberon, holding his Keyblade with both hands. Oberon had by that point recovered all four of his Keyblades, and when the two wielders' blades clashed in midair it sounded like a thunderclap and created a shockwave which shook the chamber. Roxas' Hellblazer and Oberon's stolen Way to the Dawn and Kairi's unnamed flowery Keyblade crackled with energy as they struggled against each other, the latter weapons crossed in front of Oberon as a shield against Roxas' solitary blade, which could not penetrate this defense. And Oberon still had two free Keyblades, which he immediately thrusted at Roxas' stomach. Roxas quickly somersaulted out of the way, flipping over Oberon's head and down his back. As he went, the teeth of Roxas's Keyblade caught on Oberon's face and tore a great deal of it off, causing blood and ichor and bits of flesh to fly everywhere as Oberon howled in agony. Roxas smirked because this had been, of course, exactly what he had intended to do.

As Oberon's hands flew to his face, which was already regenerating but still hurt like hell, Sora warped up to the Fae Lord, stabbed him in the chest, and stuffed something in his mouth. Oberon reflexively swallowed it, then lowered his hands from his healed eyes and blasted Sora away with a laser blast. He then took a moment to wonder what he had just swallowed, but his question was answered when his stomach exploded, ripping open a huge gaping hole in his abdomen. Naturally, he started screaming again.

"Gawrsh, Petey, how many o' those things do you have?" Goofy asked.

Pete chuckled and juggled one of his unarmed explosives in the air. "As many as I need, Goof, as many as I need."

"Hey Sora, how'd you know he was behind Goofy just a minute ago?" Roxas asked Sora as the Heartless got back to his feet. "Not even I sensed him until it was too late!"

"I could smell his foul, disgusting heart," Sora explained. "I can smell it wherever he goes…invisibility, teleporting, it doesn't matter what he does, I'll be able to find him. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget this scent."

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I felt the same way after the castle toilets backed up that one time, and Demyx accidentally spread it all over the place when he tried to clean it up…it took a month for the stench to go away. We had to live in Castle Oblivion in the interim. And boy, was that an experience, since a lot of us kept getting amnesia thanks to the way it interfaced with Namine's memory powers. (We hadn't worked out all the bugs in the thing's systems at that point.) Axel thought he was a woman for a little while, Zexion was cheerful and pleasant, Lexaeus took up ballet, Vexen was stupid, Demyx was emo, and Larxene was actually _nice_ for a week. It was very surreal. As was Xemnas borrowing some of Marluxia and Xigbar's wardrobes." He shuddered at the memory.

The room shook as Oberon howled with fury. Sora glanced up. "I think we made him mad."

"Oh, good!" Roxas said enthusiastically. "About time!"

"I have had enough of this!" Oberon roared. "I may not be able to kill you at once thanks to those accursed protective charms that meddling Merlin has placed on you, but I still have more than enough magic to destroy you!" He spread his arms out, and several hundred glowing magical swords of both good, evil, and neutral alignments appeared above him, hanging in the air like the sword of Damocles. And, just like the sword of Damocles, they all started raining down on the group, intending to skewer the four heroes on their nastily sharp points.

"I don't remember the weatherman saying anything about it raining swords," Goofy quipped, raising his shield over his head to protect himself.

"Crap, that's a lotta pointy objects," Pete said anxiously.

"Yeah, but nearly all of them are made of metal," Sora pointed out. "And you know what that means, right Roxas?"

Roxas's brow furrowed in thought. "Um…wait, I got this one…uh…oh, I know, we can grab them off the ground and stab them into Oberon until we've found one that's made of iron and can kill him!"

Sora stared at his brother. "Actually, I was thinking we could just use a Magnet spell to draw them all together so they won't impale us."

Roxas blinked. "Oh. Well, that works too."

They touched the tips of their Keyblades together and raised them into the air. "MAGNEGA!" By combining their magical power, they were able to call into being a mighty sphere of magnetic energy which instantly drew all the metal swords to it. The others, largely composed of bone and wood and other materials, were much fewer in number, and it was fairly easy to dodge those as they kept falling to the ground.

"Nice going, fellas!" Goofy complimented the twins once the storm of swords had ended. "But…uh…where'd Oberon go?"

"Huh?" Sora and Roxas looked around and saw, to their surprise, that their nemesis had disappeared while they were busy dealing with the swords. "Where'd he-"

The ground started rumbling. Sora groaned as he caught the elf's scent again. "That's never a good sign."

It wasn't. Oberon rose up from beyond the furthest edge of their platform. However…

He was bigger. A LOT bigger. His shadow dwarfed them all as he loomed over the stained-glass images reflecting his innermost desires. He flexed his arms, which were crackling with magical power. "LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I DEAL WITH MORTAL FLEAS LIKE YOURSELVES!" he boomed.

"Crap," Pete and Roxas said in unison.

Oberon drew back his arm, summoning one of Zeus' thunderbolts. With a great cry, he hurled the thunderbolt, not at the quartet, but at the ball of magnetic energy with the many metal swords floating around it. The magnetized swords acted like lightning rods, immediately drawing the thunderbolt to the Magnega ball in what the heroes thought seemed like an oddly familiar move, only this time there was no King Arthur to get in the way of the electric blast. The lightning struck the magnetized swords and reacted with the magnetic energy in the spell, causing electricity to blast out in every direction and fall to the floor in writhing livewire strands of lethal energy, dancing all over the place and converging on the four heroes.

Goofy glanced down at his shield and shook his head. "I don't think ol' Save the King+ is strong enough to deflect this."

"And all this juice is probably strong enough to short out my force field for good," Pete said anxiously, clutching his belt.

"Get behind us!" Sora said, stepping in front of Goofy and Pete, holding his Keyblade before him. "I think we can fend this off!"

"You _think?_" Roxas asked dubiously.

"Worth a try."

"Yeah, all right." Roxas snorted. "Like I didn't get enough of being hit by lightning living around Larxene…" Still, he got beside Sora and held out his Keyblade as well.

The Nobody joined his twin just in time as the hundreds of snaking cords of electricity shot towards them, colliding with their Keyblades and sending waves of energy coursing through the mystical weapons and their wielders. Jagged bolts of static flew off in every direction, and Goofy and Pete huddled in the shadows of the two boys, so as to escape the lightning. The air began to sizzle and smell of ozone as more and more voltage was thrown at the Keybearers, who refused to fall before the electrical onslaught. Sora and Roxas ground their teeth, ignoring the pain coursing through their bodies, and focused all their will on repelling the lightning, on keeping it from passing through them and striking their friends. Bit by bit, they managed to push back against the electricity pressing down on them, the energy crackling around them growing wilder as their resistance increased. Finally, with a great yell, they managed to shove their Keyblades away from them, knocking the combined electrical blast away and sending it flying towards the startled Oberon. He quickly raised a hand to guard himself, but was too late, the reflected lightning struck him in the chest and exploded, sending him rocking back from the platform, bellowing in pain. The magnetized swords floating around the Magnega orb vanished, and the spell soon faded away as well.

"Whoa," said Sora and Roxas, their hair incredibly frizzy and sticking up everywhere.

"Gawrsh, now that was something!" Goofy cheered.

"Yeah, nice going you two-" Pete started, putting a hand on Sora's shoulder and getting electrocuted by all the residual static still in the boy's body. He jerked and shook and yelled as the static zapped him, causing his hair to stick up as well and singeing his already soiled tux.

"Uh, sorry," Sora said sheepishly. Roxas laughed.

"Gawrsh, Pete, are you okay?" asked a concerned Goofy

Pete coughed out a cloud of smoke. "Note to self: start wearing rubber shoes along with my asbestos underwear. It's probably safer that way."

As the smoke from the big explosion faded, the recovered Oberon, eyes burning with fury, leaned back over the platform. "YOU DARE!!!!!" With a wordless howl of rage, he slammed his arms down on opposite sides of the platform and swept them inwards, trying to crush the quartet between his hands. This turned out to be a pretty stupid thing to do, since the four just stuck their weapons out to the side so his hands ran right into them. He yelped in pain and quickly withdrew his hands, wincing at the small wounds he had just gotten, especially the one from Pete's mace, which was unsurprisingly the most painful. Deciding it would probably be best not to get too physical while at this size, he instead resolved to kill the mortals using more of his magic, and so summoned several enormous rings of fire which began on the outermost edge of the platform and shrunk inwards to the center where the group was standing one after the other, so that even if one ring failed to burn or kill the quartet the ones after it would finish the job.

"You know, this fire looks kinda like Hades' work," Pete commented as the rings closed in on them. "I should know, from all the time I've spent around the guy…and gotten burnt by him."

"Think a double Blizzaga can stop this?" Sora asked Roxas.

The Nobody shook his head. "No, there's too much fire. But not to worry. If there's one thing I've learned from hanging out with Axel, it's that there's more than one way to put out a fire! And start one, too." He turned to Goofy. "Goofy, do you think you think that if you and Sora did your Limit in place to form a tornado, and I fired my Blizzaga into it, it could generate an icy wind strong enough to blow out the flames?"

"Hey, that's a great idea!" said Pete.

"Well, gawrsh, I think so," Goofy said. "Whaddya think, Sora?"

Sora nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I think that could work. Let's give it a shot!" He and Goofy began glowing. "GOOFY!" He stretched out a hand.

"SORA!" Goofy took the hand.

"TORNADO FUSION!" Holding each other's hands, the duo started spinning rapidly in place, rising into the air from the force of their own rotation. "WHIRLI-GOOF!" They spun so fast a tornado began to form, with them in the epicenter.

Pete's ears were blown back as wind flew off the tornado in every direction. "Whoa!" He glanced over his shoulder and jumped when he saw how close the first ring of fire was. "Oh crap! Roxas, do that thing already!"

"Right!" Roxas pointed his Keyblade at the tornado made by Goofy and his brother. "Blizzaga!" A burst of sub-zero frost and ice fired into the tornado from the tip of his Keyblade. The cold snap was caught up in the swirling, upward-spiraling wind currents of the cyclone until it reached the top and was showered out all over the platform, amplified enough by the tornado's power to rain down in a hail of ice and snow that promptly extinguished the fire rings and littered the floor in heaps of white stuff.

Oberon snarled in frustration when he saw his destructive waves of fire replaced by a Christmas-style snowstorm "You-!!"

"You did it!" Pete cheered. "Awesome!"

Roxas stuck out a tongue and caught one of the snowflakes still coming out of the Blizzard-enhanced tornado. "Yeah, just the right flavor, too!"

"How'd you know to do something like that?" Pete asked Roxas.

Roxas smirked. "After Axel lit the castle on fire for the one hundred and seventy-ninth time, the Organization bigwigs came up with a series of protocols and combinations to use to put out the fire fast. Our early attempts at Nobody fire brigades didn't work, since Axel had trained them to make things _worse_, so we quickly learned that we had to take care of things firsthand. Xaldin and Vexen worked out a combo move similar to what I just did: Xaldin summoned a whirlwind, and Vexen used his ice powers on it to create a snowstorm. Demyx could add water to it to make a rainstorm if Vexen was unavailable, but the snowstorms were much more fun to play around in. You can't make snowmen from puddles of water, after all! Well, unless you're Demyx."

"You think you are the only ones with mastery over ice?!" Oberon snarled. He slammed his fists on his edge of the platform, creating a wave of super-cold dry ice several thousand degrees below zero which quickly spread outwards towards the heroes, sucking the heat from the air and turning the platform into an Antarctic wasteland. "Let's see you catch snowflakes from _this_ ice storm…I'd love to see your tongues snap off!"

"Uh, I don't suppose you have a plan for something like _this, _too?!" Pete cried anxiously.

"As it so happens, I do!" Roxas pointed his Keyblade at the tornado again. "Bro, don't stop spinning! This's gonna sting a little, but I'm not sure we really have a choice right now!"

"Huh? Wait, what're you-" a confused Goofy started.

"Roxas, I'm not sure that's a good idea!" Sora cried, realizing at once what his brother was planning.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Roxas agreed. "FIRAGA!" A huge fireball launched from the tip of his Keyblade and entered the tornado a meter or so above where Goofy and Sora were generating it. The fireball got swept up in the tornado, its flames racing up the sides of its funnel and turning the wind formation into a giant flaming cyclone. Sora and Goofy stopped spinning and jumped out of the way just before the flames could envelop the bottom of the tornado, barely avoiding getting roasted. Pete winced and shielded himself with his arms as the incredible heat from the tornado washed over him, causing him to sweat profusely and make his fur all damp and smelly. Oberon flinched and recoiled from the heat as well. The ice wave froze (heh) right in its tracks and started melting into gas, which evaporated away. "Woo! Bet Axel would've loved that one!" Roxas whooped as the whirling pillar of fire burned itself out.

"Kind of cutting it a little close there," Sora muttered, getting up and brushing embers off his black skin.

"STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!" Goofy screamed as he rolled across the ground in an attempt to put out the fires on his body and, sadly, making them much worse. "WAAAUUUUGHHH!"

"Heh, sorry," Roxas said sheepishly. "Too much experience living with a pyromaniac, I guess. I sort of forget other people aren't as resistant to burning as he was."

"RAAAAHHHH!" raaaaahhhhed Oberon, reminding them he was there. "JUST DIE ALREADY!" Drawing on the dark powers he had gained from Xehanort, he animated his giant shadow and tried to have it swallow the party up. Unfortunately for Oberon, this didn't really do a lot of good, Sora was immune to the shadow's effect since he was already a Heartless, and Roxas was able to banish the darkness using his Clear Light technique, creating a flash of light strong enough to banish the shadow and keep Goofy and Pete from being devoured.

Trying a different tack, he drew on Maleficent's power and caused great thorny vines to erupt from the ground all over the platform, flailing about and trying to snatch up or crush the group. He also caused black and green fire to fall from the skies in a continuous rain, hoping that one of the quartet would slip up and get hit by one of the flames while dodging the vines. However, this technique failed as well; the Keybearers were able to slice the giant plants to pieces with dashing chops from their blades, Goofy was able to destroy the vines by spinning around them with his Goofy Tornado move and throwing his shield at them, and Pete, who was more than used to the things considering how much time he had spent around Maleficent, was easily able to locate weak spots on the vines and destroy them using his mace and explosives.

As for the falling flames? While they did make it a little harder for the party to maneuver, Sora and Roxas were able to either flip through the air out of the way of the flames just before being hit or deflect them using Reflega, Goofy ran around with his shield over his head like an umbrella to fend them off, and Pete was so used to Maleficent's brand of fire by now that he barely noticed it whenever it fell on him, finishing off whatever monster plant he was battling first before putting himself out. Enraged at this, Oberon leaned forward and breathed fire all across the platform, attempting to barbecue the heroes before they could use the same Tornado Fusion/Blizzaga combo from before; but it was not to be, the Keybearers combined their Blizzaga power to create an ice wall which shielded them from the flames.

Losing his patience, Oberon gathered energy in the air above the quartet's heads and caused laser beams to rain down on them. This was, once more, largely ineffective against the party, since Sora just sunk into the ground as an immaterial shadow, Goofy raised his shield, Pete activated his barrier, and Roxas…well, Roxas just raised his Keyblade over his head and started drawing the lasers to him using his light powers, causing them to collect at the tip of his Keyblade and form a glowing red energy ball. He cackled evilly as the collected energy coalesced into a sphere larger than his upper body. "This is gonna be _so_ sweet…" Aiming his Keyblade at Oberon, he released the light energy in an extremely powerful laser bolt which shot across the platform and struck Oberon in the face, exploding and causing him to rear back, roaring in pain. He put one hand to his face as it tried to mend itself from the laser shot, putting the other hand on the platform for support…

Which was just the opening the four heroes needed. Knowing an opportunity when they saw one, they rushed over before Oberon could fully recover or remove his hand. Roxas leaped into the air and landed on the back of Oberon's hand, driving his Keyblade through the skin and piercing the floor underneath, pinning the hand in place. Oberon screamed in agony again, and Roxas quickly summoned five laser sigils to fire their beams into his finger joints to pin them down as well and keep Oberon distracted. "Go, I've got this!" The Nobody told his comrades.

"K," said Sora, dashing up Oberon's arm on all fours, followed closely behind by Pete and Goofy. Oberon was too occupied by the blinding pain in his right hand and Roxas launching rapid-fire Pearl and laser volleys at his face and other hand to notice their presence, let alone do anything about it, until it was too late. That would be the point where Sora started savagely clawing, biting and hacking at the giant elf's face with claw, fang, and Keyblade, and Goofy and Pete drove their weapons into Oberon's eyes, blinding him. His bellows of pain shook the chamber and caused the floating crystal prisons to rattle.

While Oberon was screaming, even though he felt like his eardrums would burst, Pete pulled out a big handful of explosives, tossed most of them into Oberon's gaping mouth, stuffed a couple more up the big elf's nose, and then tossed a few to Sora and Goofy, who, quickly getting the idea, shoved the bombs into Oberon's big pointy ears and hightailed it out of there. They made it down his arm and leaped onto the platform to rejoin Roxas just in time, as the timers on the explosives went off and the bombs detonated.

Sadly, they didn't blow up Oberon's head, but they certainly did a whole mess of damage. Most of his face had disintegrated due to the bombs shoved in his nostrils, and the explosions from the ones on his ears had blasted open a great part of the sides of his head, revealing damaged musculature, bone, and crystal, making his head look a lot like a grisly, decrepit zombie elf skull. Only a little blue skin remained on his head. His neck and upper chest had been blown apart as well by the bombs shoved down his throat, ripping a large hole in his front and exposing more bone and damaged organs. Blood, gore, and ichor oozed from these tremendous wounds, as well as from the gaping hole that had once been his face. As the quartet made faces of disgust, and Pete threw up, Oberon's bones began to knit themselves back together, his muscles and skin regenerated, and blue flesh covered his skull as a new jaw, ears, and nose snapped into place. Only one of his eyes grew back, though, the other had been blinded by Pete's iron mace, and as such would take much longer to heal. It might not recover at all. The look in that one eye was enough, though, to convey to the heroes just how much they had hurt and infuriated Oberon. "He looks really pissed now," commented Sora.

"I know, isn't it great?" Roxas said giddily.

Uttering a wordless scream of pure rage, Oberon summoned two of his Keyblades, super-sized to match his current giant form, and brought them crashing down on the platform, causing it to shatter completely. Stained glass flew everywhere, and the party, without any ground to stand on, found themselves plummeting towards the far-distant bottom of the crystalline cavern…

Or at least, they were until Oberon grabbed them telekinetically and levitated them back up before him until they were level with his glaring solitary eye and weeping socket, allowing them to see his expectant sneer as glowing bonds appeared on their hands and feet, holding them in place, and the extremely sharp and jagged shards of the broken stained glass platform floated up all around them, their edges pointed right at the heroes. "Whuh-oh," whimpered Goofy. "This don't look good, fellas."

"Uh, Roxas? Sora? You can save us, right?" Pete asked hopefully.

"Sure," Sora said. He struggled a bit at his bonds. "Um…just as soon as we break out of these things. I can't seem to summon my Keyblade while they're over my hands…"

Pete sagged. "Wonderful. We're dead." His ears flattened against his skull. "I always figured I would die from burning to death, not from getting impaled by a billion really sharp pieces o' glass."

"Don't worry," Roxas assured him. "I've been in something like this before. It's all a matter of timing." He glanced at his brother. "Sora! Don't struggle. Relax and build up your strength. Then, when the shards come at us…"

"Release my power all at once, and the adrenaline rush from being that close to death will let us bust loose?" Sora finished.

Roxas nodded vigorously. "Right! Something like that."

Goofy swallowed. "Hope you fellas know what you're doing."

"Yeah, because if not, we're pincushions!" Pete agreed anxiously.

"Just wait for it…wait for it…wait for iiiiiit…" Roxas said slowly. Oberon's sneer turned into a grin. The glass shards quivered.

"Roxas, do Heartless even _have_ adrenaline?" Sora asked his brother.

Roxas blinked. "I'm not sure, actually…I'm not even positive Nobodies do, for that matter…but we have _something_, and it'll have to do." The shards abruptly flew towards them. Pete screamed. Roxas yelled, "NOW!"

The glowing bonds shattered as Sora and Roxas unleashed their strength all at once, breaking free and summoning their Keyblades in the same moment. "REFLEGA!" Reflective shields appeared around them for a split second, just long enough to prevent the shards from hitting the group, the glass shattering on impact and causing glittering dust to tumble down towards the bottom of the cavern. The twins then grabbed Pete and Goofy and used their Keyblades to break them out, holding the two denizens of the Disney Kingdom (well, former denizen in Pete's case) up so they wouldn't fall, seeing as how the brothers were the only ones who could fly. It wasn't easy, though. "MAN! Pete, you're really…REALLY…heavy!" Roxas said through gritted teeth.

Pete rolled his eyes. "Gee, tell me something I don't know."

Oberon didn't look too happy that they had survived his deathtrap. "You continue to defy me with your paltry existences?!" he snarled, summoning his giant Keyblades. "Let's see if you can escape a black hole! That should be a difficult feat even for you legendary Keybearers! GRAVIJA!" The air about a hundred or more meters behind the quartet warped and darkened, twisting in on itself and momentarily forming a large crackling ball of gravity-emitting dark matter, which promptly imploded on itself and created a micro-black hole only slightly larger than the head of a pin, a smaller scale model of the one that was concealing the Galactic Heart, except this one held nothing more than certain death in the depths of its singularity. Alarmed, Sora and Roxas tried to fly out of the range of the black hole's gravity field, but Oberon swept one of his Keyblades through the air, creating a gust of wind which blew them back and sent them hurtling towards the black hole.

"Oh great, now instead of being turned into a pincushion I'm going to be spaghettified and crushed completely by quantum gravity!" Pete complained as they started spinning around the hole, caught in its gravity well. "And I was supposed to be _married_ by now…this really isn't my day!"

"Bro, we can take this, can't we?" Sora asked suddenly, glancing at Roxas.

Roxas raised an eyebrow. "You think?"

Sora nodded. "Pretty sure, yeah."

"Well, okay. If you say so." Roxas glanced down at Pete, who was half-clinging to him and half-being carried. "We should probably get these guys out of the way first, though. Don't want to lose them to death by inescapable gravitational forces."

"Yeah, I don't wanna be lost to them either," Pete said anxiously.

"But Pete, maybe that there singularity could flatten you out and make you lose weight!" Goofy pointed out.

Pete stared at the knight in disbelief. "…The scary thing is, I can think of some people who might actually try using black holes as a way of slimming down. O' course, technically, being near all this gravity would make them _heavier_…"

"We can deal with this, but we need you guys out of the way," Sora explained to his friends. "Do you think you can distract Oberon while we get rid of this thing?"

"Sure, but how're we gonna escape from the black hole's gravitational thingy? I thought it was…you know, inescapable," said a perplexed Goofy.

"Not if you do it just right," Roxas grunted. He started whirling around in the gravity field, much to Pete's dismay. "Happy landings, meatbag!"

"Don't call me meatbaaaaaaag!" Pete wailed as Roxas let go of him, the momentum built up by their spin hurling him towards the edge of the disc-shaped gravity field drawing them inexorably closer to the black hole's event horizon. Due to the force of Roxas' throw, combined with their spinning and the black hole's own gravitational attraction, Pete moved so fast that he actually flew off the disk's edge rather than following its curve, hurtling through the air towards a startled Oberon. "Waaaaahhhhh!"

"Your turn, Goofy," Sora said, and then he too started to spin rapidly before throwing Goofy away.

"WA-HA-HA-HOOOEEEEEEYYYY!" Goofy hollered as he followed the same path as Pete, pulled along so fast by his momentum and the black hole's gravity that he flew right out of its clutches, a perfect example of the slingshot effect.

"And now it's just you, me…" Roxas glared at the black hole they were slowly getting closer to. "And the big bad singularity down there." In unison, the brothers summoned their Keyblades.

Oberon summoned his Keyblades as well. However, his were an awfully lot bigger, and he looked more interested in killing Pete and Goofy with them than bothering Sora and Roxas at the moment. "When will you mortals cease this foolishness and just DIE!" Oberon roared, thrusting the sharp-edged dark Keyblade at Pete, intending to impale him on its tip. Yelping, Pete quickly thrust his arms out and grabbed onto the sides of the point just before it could smash into him and turn him into a red stain, pushing himself up and over the tip and landing on the blade's shaft, which at Oberon's current size was large enough for him to straddle his legs around. Oberon scowled and shook his weapon vigorously, as if to knock off an irritating bit of dust or fluff, and it was all Pete could do not to fall off (or throw up) as he was shaken along with it. Annoyed that Pete would not fall off, Oberon brought the teeth of one of his other Keyblades down on the shaft of the dark one and slid it upwards, sparks flying up from where the mystic metal making up the two weapons ground against each other. Pete yelped and quickly jumped up just before he could be swept off by the Keyblade, landing on top of it instead and clinging to it just as tightly as he had the previous one. He noted that the Keyblade he was now on happened to be Micky's. How ironic.

Annoyed, Oberon tried to fry Pete with laser vision, but the fat cat-man-thing quickly activated his barrier to protect himself. Oberon snarled and was about to attack again…then stopped, and smiled, getting a much better idea. With a thought, he willed his Keyblade away. Pete suddenly had nothing to hold on to, and he began to fall. He screamed as he plummeted towards the distant ground, as Oberon laughed madly…

Up until Goofy's shield whirled through the air and imbedded itself in his remaining eye, the other one still taking its sweet time to heal. As Oberon cried out in pain and alarm, the shield was soon followed by Goofy himself, who smashed into Oberon's face and broke the elf's nose. Fortunately, Goofy hit the Fae Lord head-first, so he wasn't hurt much. "Petie!" a somewhat dazed and dizzy Goofy yelled after Pete. "You okay down there?"

"Depends on how you define 'okay'," Pete grunted, hanging off the tip of Oberon's boot. "Well, at least I'm not falling anymore. Whoooaaaa! I take it back!" He cried as Oberon started shaking his foot in an attempt to knock him off, while vanishing two of his Keyblades and reaching up to remove the shield from his eye and pluck Goofy off his nose.

Oberon glared with burning eyes at Goofy, who waved to him from where he was dangling from Oberon's fingers. "Hiya."

Pete took that opportunity to clamber up onto Oberon's boot and crawl inside the elf's pant leg. It was dark and stuffy in there. And blue, with weird crystalline growths in some places to provide useful hand- and footholds. He hoped Oberon wouldn't notice him, not until he reached the target he had in mind. "The things I do for love…" he grumbled through the mace clutched in his teeth so as to keep it from making contact with Oberon's flesh and telling the Fae Lord where he was (assuming he didn't already know). Maleficent had better appreciate the horrible thing he was about to do for her…

Oberon was contemplating which of the many horribly painful ways he knew of to kill Goofy he should use when Sora and Roxas shouted, "RELEASE!" and fired a pair of energy beams from their Keyblades into the black hole. The symbol of a keyhole appeared briefly on the surface of the black hole's event horizon, at the point where the two beams penetrated the dark mass. There was a 'click', the black hole quivered, and abruptly the tiny speck of blackness grew even smaller, collapsing on itself and shrinking down to microscopic size…

Before exploding, releasing all of its mass and energy at once in an incredible flash of light which sent Sora and Roxas flying backwards and momentarily blinded Oberon, causing him to cry out in surprise and alarm and drop Goofy and his shield. That cry became a lot more high-pitched when Pete, the dark and unpalatable environment he was currently in lit up by the black hole's energy release shining through the clothing fabric, drove his mace into Oberon's crotch. "I had better get an f-ing medal for this!"

"…Did Pete just do what I think he did?" asked a horrified Sora as the light faded, allowing him to see Oberon screaming and clutching his nether regions while a disgruntled Pete squeezed his way out of the top of the Fae Lord's pants.

"Dude!" cried a stunned Roxas. "Not even _I_ would stoop that low! Well, okay, maybe I would, but I wouldn't like it. The crawling up the pants part, not the actual castration, I'm fine with that."

"That wasn't very nice, Pete!" Goofy, dangling from Sora's claws, called to the cat-man-thing.

"A guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do!" Pete replied gruffly. "Even if he really, _really_ doesn't want to."

"That is one of the most deplorable and disgusting acts I have ever seen," Roxas said in awe. "You have my respect, man. I had no idea you had it in you."

"I almost wish I didn't…" Pete grumbled, hopping off Oberon's waist and allowing himself to get caught by the Nobody.

"You…" Oberon squeaked in an almost comically high-pitched voice. "How…how dare you…there can be…no mercy…for this INSULT!"

"That would probably be more intimidating if you didn't sound like you were full of helium," Sora commented.

This didn't help things, understandably. Oberon's fury was apparently undiminished by Pete's unorthodox castration, as his writhing aura, ominously red-glowing eye, and high-pitched howl of rage demonstrated. The mad Fae Lord gathered his power, preparing to annihilate the heroes once and for all (forgetting in the process that his instant-death spell would be nullified by Merlin's protective charms), when suddenly…

Oberon blinked and glanced upward. "Eh? What-" His eye opened wide in horror. "No." Abruptly, he vanished, leaving the quartet behind.

They stared at where Oberon had just been in disbelief. Then they all looked at each other, completely bewildered. "What the _fuck_ just happened?" Roxas wondered, summing up all their feelings succinctly.

…

Elsewhere…

Oberon (the giant version, not the smaller one Sora and the gang were fighting just a second ago—man, it's confusing having more than one, isn't it?) crashed into the surface of a planet after being hurled halfway across the galaxy and falling through the world's atmosphere and outer barrier. Naturally, it hurt quite a lot, even if he had been able to exert his power to slow his descent and cushion his landing. Groaning, his body still trembling from the uncontrollable flight through space and the horrors Satan had visited upon him, Oberon pulled himself out of his impact crater to find that he was standing in the middle of a vast plain on an island that, almost literally, had gone to Hell.

There was nothing but desolation and total ruin in every direction. Fires burned off in the distance, consuming what was left of the island's forests. Horribly blackened and twisted corpses, expressions of incredible terror and agony twisted on their skulls, lay everywhere on the broken and burning fields surrounding Oberon, numbering in the thousands. A nearby volcano belched smoke and fire as lava sluggishly flowed down its slope and cut across the plains, forming burning rivers to turn more of the island into waste. Not too far away were the ruins of a castle that looked as if it had been hit with a nuclear bomb. Actually, most of the island looked like it had been bombed, repeatedly, as well as burned, and torn apart by seismic activity, and in general been totally destroyed. Blood-red mists swirled ominously about just off the shore, surrounding the island in every direction, even blotting out the sun. Oberon looked about in confusion and a bit of fear, finding something eerily familiar about this place. "Where am I?" he whispered to himself. "And what is this strange sense of dread I feel, deep down inside?"

"That would be because some part of you already knows where you are," Satan said, walking out from behind the volcano. Oberon's heart jumped, understandably, considering how Satan had so easily raped, mutilated, violated, and tortured him just a short while ago.

"I-I am certain I have never been to a place like this in my nearly-eternal life!" Oberon stammered, trying to regain his composure.

Satan raised an eyebrow. "You sure about that, dawg? Hmm. Well, I guess it's understandable, considering what I've done with the place."

"What are you talking about?!" snapped Oberon, regaining some of his ire. "Where have you taken me?!"

Satan sighed. "You really don't recognize this place, dawg? Well, fine, let me lay it on you: this here's your hood."

Oberon blinked, uncomprehending. "My…hood?"

Satan nodded. "Yeah, you know, where you live, sleep, fuck, hang out with your homies, your hood!"

Oberon frowned in puzzlement. "You mean my home? But…that's preposterous, my home is-" He stopped dead. His eyes widened in horror. "Avalon…" He whirled around, glancing all over the place. Now that he was really looking carefully, familiar landmarks started appearing everywhere. They had been hard to notice at first due to all the destruction, but now they were inescapable. There was the castle where he had ruled with his wife and family, now in ruins. There, behind him was the volcano where the fire elementals had dwelled. Those burning forests had been the homes of all sorts of sylphs, dryads, elves, and other forest spirits. And those bodies gathered on the fields where they usually had great festivals and feasts…those thousands of corpses all twisted beyond recognition… "No," Oberon whispered. "Oh no. This…this cannot be…"

"I'm afraid it is," Satan said cheerfully, slapping Oberon heartily on the back. "Welcome home, dawg!"

"But…but _how?_ How did this-" Oberon stiffened. He whirled on Satan. "_You._"

Satan nodded happily. "Yep. Me. I did this. Well, actually my homies did most of it; I just popped over to help out a little before confronting you in the galactic nucleus. Since you were out on a crazy power-mad trip to fulfill your cravings for magic, you weren't here to help your pals, and they got tortured, raped, and slaughtered by the legions of Hell." He chuckled. "Man, you missed one hell of a party! It was a regular small-scale Armageddon! Heck, even the Four Horsemen showed up, and they _never_ return my calls!" He frowned. "Didn't get to kill any humans or Gargoyles, though. They all cleared out a while ago; after they heard you weren't gonna help their homies in the outside world against the Heartless. Oh well, I'll kill them another time."

Oberon knew he should do something. Explode with rage, murder Satan, fall to the ground in tears and weep for an eternity. Instead, all he asked was, "Why? Why did you…why did you do this? What did they ever do to you?"

Satan gave Oberon a look of incredulity. He took off his sunglasses to glare at the Fae Lord for a moment. "You kiddin' me, dawg?! What did they do to _me?_ What the hell did all those other people you killed or whose magic you stole ever do to you? Hell, what the fuck did all the members of your _own kind_ scattered throughout the galaxy do to you that merited you sucking them up?"

"I…they…" Oberon stammered, trying to justify his actions and only now realizing that there was no way he could. "They…they deserved it!" he protested. The lie sounded feeble even to his ears.

Satan shook his head in disgust. "Man, you don't even know why you ate them, do you? Typical junkie. Well, if those guys deserved to be eaten like a dick like you, than your pals here certainly deserved to be killed by my homies. In any event, I didn't kill them because they did something to me; I killed them because of _you_."

"Me?!" protested Oberon.

"Yeah, you! The dick who kidnapped my daughter, banished me and my bestest buds from my babygirl's wedding, and caused so much chaos and havoc that you might actually destroy the galaxy, which is supposed to be _my_ job!" Satan shouted, jabbing a finger at Oberon's chest.

"But…but then why did you kill them?! Why not take your vengeance out on me, instead of them?!" Oberon cried, crystalline tears rolling down his cheeks.

Satan rolled his eyes. "Two reasons. One, because I'm evil. DUH. Two, it's our new foreign policy."

Oberon blinked. "Foreign policy?"

Satan nodded. "Yeah, Hell's foreign policy on how to deal with other countries, worlds, or dimensions that fuck with us. And since you're ruler of all the Fae and most of their subsidiary races, that means they need to pay the price for the indignities you've caused my domain."

"Indignities?!"

"Kidnapping my daughter, banishing me and my homies, doing the job I'm supposed to be doing?" Satan reminded him.

"Oh."

Satan pulled out a cigar, stuck it in his mouth, and lit it with a flame summoned from his fingertips. Puffing on the cigar, he continued. "Our foreign policy comes in two parts, and is written in giant letters of fire in the front lobby in the Otherworldly Affairs building in my capitol city of Dis. Part one says, 'Kaka happens.' Kaka being shit, of course. The second part, we kinda ripped off from a country called Israel. Don't suppose you've heard of it? Tiny place in the desert, inhabited by a tribe called the Israelis?" Oberon stared at him blankly. He was clearly in shock, still just beginning to react to the full immensity of his loss. "Yeah, I didn't think so. Okay, the thing about the Israelis is they're one tenacious band of fuckers. They're supposedly favored by some of the guys upstairs, which is why lotsa people, including me, have been trying for millennia to wipe 'em out, with no success. As a result of all this hostility against them, they've developed a pretty decent way of dealing with the surrounding countries that want to kill 'em that I've gotta respect, even if I want to kill 'em too. So much so that I modeled the second part of Hell's foreign policy offa it. And that policy is, 'If you fuck with us, we'll fuck you right back. We'll fuck you so hard, in the _ass_, that you're gonna be shitting blood for months. And you're gonna whimper like pussies and hide under your beds in your own filth and pray that we never, _ever_ take notice of you again .'" He took the cigar out of his mouth and blew some smoke rings into the air. The smoke swirled and changed into images of Oberon's people writhing in agony as they were killed by Satan's hordes. "So, that's exactly what we did. You fucked with us, so we fucked you right back and destroyed Avalon. Unfair's unfair, right?" He threw back his head and laughed. Oberon punched him in the face. The master of evil didn't seem to notice, and all that Oberon got out of it was some broken knuckles.

"Well, demon, your efforts will be all for naught!" Oberon declared somewhat manically as his hand mended itself. "For behold, I have power! From my magical conquests I have obtained mastery over life and death! With it, I will resurrect all whom your armies have slain, and then my subjects will be able to watch as I defeat you once and for all!"

Satan snorted. "Yeah, like that'll happen…well, if you wanna get raped in front of all your homies, go right ahead."

Oberon did just that, turning around and spreading his arms. "Arise, my people! I invoke the power of the Phoenix, of the Fountain of Life, of Hades and Osiris and all the other gods of death and rulers of the Afterworlds, of the spells Lifeja and Reraise, of the Spirit of Birth Maxwell, of all the greatest powers of necromancy and immortal birth and reincarnation! Arise, and live again!" The earth trembled. A strange light shown down on the ravaged plain. Slowly, the mangled and burnt corpses shifted and began to get up…

"WAAACHOOO!"

Until Satan sneezed, releasing an incredible blast of flame which totally incinerated the reanimating bodies, reducing them to ash, which a sudden surprisingly strong wind stirred up and blew away, scattering them across the cosmos and forever shattering any chance of reviving them. "Whoops," Satan said apologetically, wiping his face on his arm. "Sorry, that kinda stuff always tickles my sinuses."

Oberon almost lost it right then and there. However, he managed to keep it together by recalling what Satan had done to him the last time, and reminding himself that all was not lost just yet. "Well…no matter!" he said far too casually through gritted teeth, an utterly insane and desperate look in his eyes. "Life magic is not all that I have under my control!" The air began distorting around him. "Behold! I also control time itself, through my mastery of time magic, as well as possession of the Chrono Cross and Trigger, the nigh-omnipotent Origin, the Phoenix Gate, the Time-Turners, the Ocarina of Time, the Harp of Ages, the Time Stones and Chaos Emeralds, the Millennium Items, the Sands of Time, the Phantom Hourglass, the Fates, Celebi, the Time Shifters, the Guardian of Forever, and countless other mystical creatures and portals to the past and future! Using this power, I shall travel back in time to before your minions attacked, allowing me to personally lead the defense of Avalon and save my people! Thus, the future will change, and Oberon will reign supreme!" He laughed crazily as the air around him grew distorted, and power built up around him, and his hair started flying all over the place, and a disinterested Satan took another drag from his cigar, and then…

Absolutely nothing happened. The air turned back to normal, the power vanished, Oberon's hair fell back down (looking rather frizzy), and Satan noted with interest that the next cloud of smoke he exhaled was green and was shaped like a bird. "Oh, you're still here?" he asked, noticing that Oberon had not vanished into the timestream. "Shouldn't you be changing the future or something?"

"I-I don't understand!" Oberon cried, looking down at his hands. "I have the power…I feel it within me…but I can do nothing! I am trapped in the present! Why am I unable to travel through time?!"

Elsewhere…

"Keybearers may not travel through time without permission from one with the proper authority," the tallest figure intoned, lowering his weapon away from the image of Oberon in the keyhole-shaped viewing pool. "It is forbidden. It is too great a risk to allow those who hold such great power free rein in the timestream."

"Didn't Sora travel through time to Timeless River, though?" asked the shorter male. "We didn't do anything to stop that."

"That's because Merlin sent Sora back," the female pointed out. "He has the authority to allow such an event to occur."

"Oh."

Back on broken Avalon…

"There, there, it'll be okay," Satan told Oberon reassuringly as the Fae Lord knelt on the ground, hunched over, his back heaving with great sobs at the discovery that there was no way whatsoever that he could change or undo what had happened to his home and people. "Well, actually, no it won't. It'll probably get worse, come to think of it."

Weeping, Oberon dug his fingers into the ground and closed his fist on some of the ashes scattered there. He lifted his hand to his face and opened it, watching as the dirt slipped through his fingers, much like how everything he had ever cherished had been taken from him. His eyes hardened, and his tears stopped, his unending sorrow replaced with burning rage. "You have destroyed everything I loved and cared for," Oberon hissed through gritted teeth. "Why shouldn't I release all of the energy inside me at once and destroy this portion of the universe, like you've been constantly claiming would happen anyway if I didn't stop draining magic?"

Satan seemed to think about that for a moment. "Hmm…well, let's see, first of all, it won't kill me. It'll sting a bit, and I'll be a little out of sorts for a while, but I'll still be around. Some of my plans will be set back a bit, but I've got hundreds of plans, so that's no big deal. In a way, you'd actually be _helping_ me by destroying this galaxy, now that I think of it…one less source of heroes to stand against me. And I'm sure Babygirl'd forgive me for letting her die…eventually. Well, probably not, but if I can get used to all the thousands of wives and concubines in my harem nagging me to spend more time with them or buy them nice things, one pissed-off dead daughter should be no big problem.

"Oh, and if you blow up the galaxy, I'll kill your bitch."

Oberon's head shot up. "What?! You can't mean…Titania?!"

Satan nodded. "Yeah, you see, here's the thing…your wife ain't dead. Not alla your kids are dead, either. My boys are holding 'em hostage down in Hell. They haven't been hurt…much. However, that could change reaaaally fast, if you know what I mean."

Oberon stood up quickly, but Satan grabbed his shoulder and shoved him back down. "Oh no you don't, I know what you're thinking. You're planning on going to Hell to rescue them, aren't you?" Satan shook his head. "Dawg, no matter how powerful you think you are, there's no way you can get there, AND beat all the armies of Hell, AND penetrate the invincible defenses of Dis, AND get through the even more invincible defenses of my palace, AND defeat my elite guards, before your wife and kids are executed. All it'll take is one little thought-communiqué to my boys, and they're gone. Now Oberon, tell me the truth …are you faster than thought?" He grinned nastily.

Oberon clenched his fists, trembling…but knowing there was nothing he could do. "What must I do to save them?" he asked finally.

Satan chuckled. "I'm glad you asked! It's simple, real simple: all you gotta do to save them is release all your captive magic and prisoners, including Babygirl. Then I get to kill you. After that, your family goes free."

"And if I refuse?" Oberon asked.

"Then I'll kill them, and you," Satan replied at once. "Your death is a certainty either way. It's been ordained from on high, and BOY HOWDY am I glad they gave me the job of murdering you! But if you surrender, then your babe Titania and the last remnants of your family will survive."

Oberon considered this for a moment. Then he nodded. "I see. If that is the case, then there really is only one thing I can do, isn't there?"

Satan nodded. "Yeah, pretty much. That is, if you want your family alive, anyway."

"Very well," Oberon said with a sigh. "I concede. You win, demon." He turned away. "I will need a moment to prepare the magicks within me for release. If I simply unleashed them as they are now, it could cause the catastrophe you've been trying to prevent."

"'K," Satan said, leaning back against the slope of the volcano. "But no tricks or heroics. You blow yourself up, or try something sneaky, and your wife and kids die. Remember that."

"Oh, I will, rest assured," Oberon said quietly, his focus turned inward. "There is only one thing left for me to do now…"

…

After it became clear Oberon might not be coming back anytime soon, the party decided to take advantage of his absence by trying to free their friends from their nearby crystal cages. Goofy got the idea that, since Sora or Roxas couldn't unlock the crystals without the inner Oberon (the "lock," as Sora put it) present, maybe they could break the things open with brute force. However, so far their attempts weren't working very well.

"Why-" CLANG! "Won't-" BANG! "You-" DANG! "OPEN-" SANG! "You-" FANG! "Stupid!" GANG! "Piece!" WANG! "Of!" KANG! "CRAP!" CANG! Rang the crystal containing Maleficent as Pete hit it over and over again with his mace. So far, the crystal wasn't even scratched. In fact, it looked that if Pete kept slamming his mace against it much longer, some of the weapon's iron spikes might break off.

Sora glanced at the frustrated Pete, sighed, shook his head, and went back to contemplating the cages of his two best friends, whom he wasn't having any luck in liberating either. "Kairi…Riku…"

Roxas scratched his head nearby, looking unhappily at the imprisoned Namine. "Didn't we try something like this earlier?"

"Oh yeah, now I remember, a-hyuck!" Goofy said, pausing in another failed attempt to break open the cage containing King Mickey.

Pete's eye twitched. "Now you remember? Now you remember?! You're the one who suggested we try this in the first place, you lamebrained idjit!" Angry, he threw an unarmed bomb at Goofy. It bopped the dog-man on the head and fell down into the crystalline abyss.

Goofy's ears drooped. "Gawrsh Pete, was that necessary?"

"Yeah, I think that was more deserving of an armed bomb…or maybe your mace," Roxas agreed.

"Roxas, you're not helping," Sora said, noticing Pete was actually considering the Nobody's suggestion. "Look, Pete, its Oberon's fault all this is happening, not Goofy's."

"Yeah, but Oberon's not here," Pete complained. "He up and left us here, that asshole! How're we supposed to kick the crap outta him if he ain't here?"

"Which is probably why he left in the first place…" pointed out Roxas.

Sora shook his head. "I don't know, there was something weird about the way he looked just before he left…like he had just realized he left the gas on in his oven and went back to turn it off, or something like that."

Goofy scratched his head in confusion. "Oberon left to turn off his oven? Gawrsh, I use an electric, that never happens to me. Well, not anymore. Not after my first house burned down."

As Pete groaned and seriously considered throwing an _armed_ explosive at Goofy this time, pieces of crystal and glass suddenly flew together from all over the place to reassemble the stained-glass pillar and platform that Oberon had shattered a while ago with his giant Keyblades. And there, standing in the middle of that platform, which now seemed oddly duller and more sullen-looking than before, was… "Oberon!" Sora yelled angrily, leaping off the crystal cage he had been perched on and landing on the platform, Keyblade appearing in his hand. "Let my friends go!"

"Ha, back for more, are you?" Roxas joked, joining Sora on the platform. "It's about time; I was getting bored waiting for you!"

"Heheheheh. Shall we pick up where we left off?" Pete asked with a smug grin, patting his mace in his hand as he landed beside Roxas.

"You're not gonna get away from us this time!" Goofy added, leaping down beside Pete.

Oberon didn't seem to be in the mood for banter. His features were downcast, and he barely seemed to even register their presence. "Things have changed," he said dully.

The four blinked and looked at each other in confusion. "Huh?"

"Satan has destroyed my home, slaughtered most of my subjects and family, and is now holding my wife and last few children in Hell. He will only free them if I release all the magic I have gathered and allow him to kill me," Oberon said dully.

The quartet weren't sure how to react to this. They looked at each other, uncertain what to do now in light of this unexpected revelation. "That's…that's terrible!" Goofy cried.

"Damn…" muttered Pete.

"You've lost…everything…" Sora said sympathetically, knowing all too well what that was like. But somehow he doubted Oberon was going to be able to get any of it back.

"Um…sorry?" Roxas said awkwardly. He wasn't very good at apologies.

Oberon sighed. "There is now only one course left to me."

Sora perked up. "Would that be sending us to Hell while you distract Satan so we can rescue your family?"

Oberon looked up, startled. "What? No, of course not. Where did you get such a ridiculous notion?"

Sora blinked in surprise. "Um…well, you know, that's the sort of thing that happens in situations like this. Enemies team up to fight a common foe."

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, that's why Pete joined forces with us to fight you. Right, meatbag?"

"Darn tootin'. And don't call me meatbag!" Pete growled.

Oberon scowled. "Preposterous. Even if I _did_ choose to ally myself with…_mortals…_there's no way you could possibly rescue my family before Satan had them killed. He would sense your presence in his domain in a heartbeat, know at once what I was up to, and kill you, my family, and me. No, I have something…_else_…in mind."

Abruptly, he thrusted out with his arm, causing a wave of…_something_…to ripple out from him, spreading across the room towards the heroes. They quickly guarded themselves, but the wave passed right through them, only causing a strange tingling sensation and making their various protective amulets and talismans heat up slightly. "Huh? What was that?" Goofy asked, looking himself over.

"Was that supposed to do something to us?" wondered a puzzled Roxas.

"Well, if it was, that junk Merlin gave us prevented it from working…didn't it?" asked an uncertain Pete.

Sora narrowed his eyes. "Oberon, what're you up to?"

"I just utilized my knowledge of time magic, reversing the theory behind Ultimecia's 'time compression spell to cast one of time _expansion!_" Oberon explained. "In this manner, I can stretch out a few seconds to last for over an hour or more. Therefore, while time passes at its regular speed outside my body, in here things will pass much more…_slowly…_allowing me to finish what needs to be done."

"And what's that?" Pete asked warily.

Oberon grinned. It was a very scary grin, the grin of a man who had absolutely nothing left to lose and nothing to gain, but didn't care and was going to go through with whatever he planned anyway because he was just plain crazy and nothing else mattered anymore. "Why, kill you, of course. What else would I possibly do?"

…

The three figures stirred. "This is not unexpected," the female lamented.

"What the heck is he doing?!" cried the shorter male.

"Oberon knows his life is doomed no matter what he does," the tallest explained. "By killing Sora, Roxas, and their companions, he may at least claim one measure of victory against the powers that have conspired against him. For if he kills Sora, the Chosen Keybearer, the One who will Open the Door…then we are all doomed, in the end."

"Then we have to do something!" protested the shortest.

The female shook her head. "And there's the irony…due to the loophole Oberon used to get those Keyblades, the laws which bind us, and Satan's jurisdiction over Oberon's punishment, we can still do nothing at this point unless he kills either Sora or Roxas."

"But that's what we want to _stop!_" shouted the other male.

"I know…" she said softly.

The tallest male shook his head mournfully. "I sense death approaching…"

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

And on that note, we end another chapter in this tale. Join us next time, as we find out once and for all…who will live, and who will die.

Oh, and we'll also check back in on the Destiny Islanders, because there's this one bit I've been dying to do with them that I think is not only hilarious but will bring closure to their subplot in this story. Don't worry, we'll get plenty of action from the other characters too…and you never know, a certain Prime figure may just be showing up to help out in the fight against King Dragon. Won't that be cool?


	14. MagiCrisis pt 3 Sacrifice

School's a pain. This is something we all know.

You've been waiting for this. I hope I don't disappoint.

…

Disclaimer: I own nothing that doesn't belong to me. That should be broad enough to cover all contingencies, right?

Oh, and Mickey's Limit was graciously lent to me by Lemonsmoothie. Thanks, Lemonsmoothie.

…

It was a very lovely sunset.

"Isn't it a beautiful sunset, Tidus?" Yuna asked. (Hey, I just said that! Or something close, anyway…)

"Yeah," said Tidus, who wasn't looking at the sunset at all. Three guesses as to what, or rather who, he was looking at, folks, and the first two don't count.

The Gullwings and the Destiny Island kids had underwent a lengthy decontamination and debriefing process back at the Crusaders lodge once they had gotten back into town. Jecht had personally interrogated them, which might have been a bad thing, since he was so intimidating in a dark room with a single lightbulb shining over the chair you were sitting in that it was hard not to wet yourself from fright when he leaned in close and, in a menacing tone of voice, asked you what your favorite flavor of ice cream was. (Wakka had lost it and desperately blurted just about everything he had been concealing from the world, such as how he had been cheating on his math tests for years by copying Chappu's notes, that he still wetted the bed occasionally, and that he thought Paine was hot even though he knew he shouldn't be looking at her since he was technically in a convoluted consensual love triangle with Lulu and his brother, the likes of which you usually only saw on soap operas or in video games. He didn't breathe a word about the three foreign girls being alien fairies, though, mainly because Yuna had cast a quick spell over all of them before the interrogation had started to keep them from revealing their secret either by accident or pressure. A good thing she had, too, considering all the things Selphie felt like screaming at the top of her lungs the instant it was her turn to be questioned.)

After Jecht had learned everything he needed to know from the kids about the alien invaders (only some parts of it were completely made up), Auron and Darlene were able to convince him to let the group go, since it had been a very long day and they deserved a chance to rest. He had grudgingly agreed, but kept Chappu for observation, just to make sure there wasn't any post-hypnotic programming left in the boy's mind from the aliens' brainwashing. Or implanted eggs. Or time bombs. Or anything like that.

Before they left, Jecht informed Tidus he was still grounded, but it would be all right if he continued showing his new friends around town, so long as Auron kept an eye on them. Right after leaving the lodge, Auron had surprised the kids by letting them go, telling them they should 'take care of unfinished business before somebody else does it for you,' and told them to meet him at Ms. Hikari's house after they were done for cookies.

And so, with Auron's vague but understandable warning in mind, they headed right for the playground island to cover up any trace of the Gullwings' downed spaceship before the Crusaders came poking around to see if the shooting star a number of witnesses had seen earlier had crashed somewhere nearby and represented a potential extraterrestrial threat. (That sort of thing happened a lot.) They had managed to conceal the ship when they left before, but the illusion projected by the Celsius' battered cloaking device wouldn't last long under serious scrutiny, so the group worked together to move the wreck into a nearby cave and conceal it with more magic, leaves, and rocks, so that the Crusaders would (hopefully) not find it when they got around to checking the island. It had been long, grueling work, and Selphie's attempts to 'help' had naturally only made things harder, but eventually they had finished and were now relaxing while watching the sunset in peace. They would head over to Ms. Hikari's in a little while, after they were finished resting and spending time together in an companionable semi-silence. The fairies were still in their human disguises, just in case anybody came by and saw them, though so far nobody had.

"It _is_ nice, isn't it?" Rikku asked Paine.

"Eh," Paine grunted, leaning back on one of the giant fronds of the palm tree she was sitting on top of. "You see one sunset, you've seen 'em all."

"Hey, what's the sun look like where you come from?" Wakka asked. "Out in space, I mean?"

Paine rolled her eyes. "Idiot. First of all, we come from Fairyworld, not from 'space'." She waved her hand sarcastically as she said this. "Second…we don't exactly have a sun in Fairyworld."

"No?" asked the surprised hopeful future Blitzball star.

"Nope," Rikku said cheerfully. "We have stars instead! Not like real stars, which are big burning balls of gas billions of miles away, but small glowy magical ones which are bright in the daytime and dim down during the night to give us the spectacle of millions of beautiful points of light shining against the big black backdrop of space. And they occasionally rain twinkling bits of stardust down on our world, so it looks as if it's snowing gold…not to be confused with yellow snow, of course, which is, well, you know."

"Actually, we don't, we never get snow around here," Tidus said. "What's different about yellow snow?"

Rikku blanched, Yuna giggled, and Paine snorted in amusement. "Uh, that's…not important," Riku said, looking embarrassed. "But it's nothing like stardust showers, I can tell you that much."

Yuna nodded. "We always have a brief holiday whenever it starts raining stardust. The government shuts down and the schools let out early so that all the fairies can fly together under the stars, dancing joyfully and letting the glittering shower of gold fill us magical creatures with wonder and new energy. It's a very romantic and invigorating occasion, and many fairies propose or get married during starshowers"

"Wow," said an amazed Wakka. "That sounds…awesome, though it probably annoys the heck out of whatever you have for astronomers on your world. We never have weather like that here in the tropics, I wouldn't mind having a snow day…or stardust day…for a change."

"Pretty," Selphie agreed, drooling. "All those twinkling stars, falling from the heavens and into my mouth…all the wishes and meals I could possibly want!"

"Yeah," agreed Tidus, not really hearing Selphie's typicall gibberish because he was thinking about how radiant Yuna would look with this stardust stuff caught in her hair. He briefly wondered if there was any way he could get Yuna back to her world in time for the next starshower, so they could enjoy it together. It was a very sappy thought, and he knew it, but he was in love, so he figured it was all right.

Of course, if she _did_ get home, he'd probably never see her again. Admittedly, they were sort of boyfriend/girlfriend right now (at least, he was pretty sure they were), but why would she want to bother spending any more time with him once she had the opportunity to go back to living in a world where gold dust fell from the skies, all the people could fly, and all sorts of other amazing things probably happened on a daily basis? That soured his mood a bit.

Paine seemed to have soured, too. (Not like that was hard.) "Yeah, starshowers _are_ pretty," she said with a sigh. "Too bad we'll never get to see another one."

"Why do you say that?" Tidus asked, wrenching his gaze away from Yuna to look at the dark fairy.

Paine shrugged. "Well, to get home we need a ship, since it's several hundred thousand light years away and much too far for Yuna to just teleport us too, even once she regains her full power. Our ship's completely ruined and will never fly again, LeBlanc's was blown up by Ms. Hikari, and we don't have the materials to build a new one, which leaves us with zip. At this rate, the only way we're getting home any time soon is if the people on this planet manage to build a space or Gummi ship with a working warp drive capable of going at _least_ over ten times the speed of light within the next year or so. Considering this world's level of technology, even with all the confiscated alien tech those Crusader guys have and are no doubt reverse-engineering, it'll be at least a decade, a hundred years at most, before they can make a ship capable of not only escaping the world barrier and surviving deep space but going fast enough to take us home in less than a century."

"We could steal one of the ones the Crusaders already have," Rikku suggested. "We've done stuff like that before. I could operate it easily, you know how good I am with machines."

"DOWN WITH THE FASCISTS!" Selphie shrieked. "THE REVOLUTION IS NOW!" They ignored her.

Wakka shook his head. "Bad idea, you'll just get caught and wind up in secure lock-up with LeBlanc and her cronies and all the other alien invaders the Crusaders have captured in the year or so since they formed."

Tidus nodded. "Yeah, my dad told me all the confiscated alien tech is held in Crusader Central Command on the other side of the world from here, and they've used most of the technology they've managed to decipher to make the building one of the most secure places on the planet. They have sensors that can pick up any non-human DNA within a hundred-meter radius of the base, and even if Yuna's magic or Rikku's stealth ("What stealth?" Paine asked, causing Rikku to glare at her.) could get you past those, I don't think you could get through all the other defenses without being detected."

Wakka nodded. "And while I guess you could beat up even the Crusaders…_maybe_…if you used those cool super-dressspheres of yours and caught them off-guard…you'd be hurting a lotta innocent people who're just doing their duty to defend our world, and that ain't right, ya!"

Yuna nodded. "They're right. If we could find some way to do it without hurting anyone, I would be all for it, but I've never been one to hurt innocent people just to further my own goals…that's LeBlanc's way. We will not descend to her level." There was a moment of silence, as they thought of all the soldiers that had been killed or injured that day during the battle with LeBlanc. It was a very sobering moment.

Paine sighed, getting them back on track. "Guess we're stuck here, then."

Rikku sulked. "Aw, poopie." She brightened almost immediately, though. "Well, there are worse places to spend a decade or two. I guess it won't be too bad relaxing in a tropical paradise. It'll be like a vacation! A…very long vacation…"

"Ah, eternal summer…" Selphie sighed blissfully. Then she scowled with hatred. "Except they lied in that song, because it never lasts forever, does it? DOES IT?!"

"N-no, it doesn't," said the startled Wakka.

Selphie frowned. "Oh, darn, I was hoping it would."

"Won't anyone come looking for you?" Tidus asked uncertainly, his elation at the prospect of Yuna staying around for a little longer (say, a decade or more) warring with a genuine desire for the fairy to be happy, even if it meant possibly saying goodbye to her forever.

"Eventually, yes, but…well, our friends and family back home won't be especially concerned if we go off and vanish for a decade or two, with no contact, until we return. We've done it before," Yuna said.

The Destiny Islanders stared at Yuna in amazement. "Oh em gee," Selphie said quietly.

"You've gone off on trips for DECADES without contacting anyone, and they're fine with it?!" asked an astounded Tidus, trying to focus more on the immediacy of the fact than what it implied, a reminder that Yuna was much older than him and would probably outlive him by…gosh, millennia? Maybe even longer?! Talk about jailbait, or dating older women…he hoped Yuna wasn't breaking any laws by, you know, being with him. At least, he thought she was with him, she sort of implied it on the way back to the Crusaders lodge…geez, romance was confusing.

"Man, and I can't even leave my house to spend the day with my friends without having to call my mom at least once an hour," Wakka complained.

Rikku shrugged. "We're fairies."

"Very long-lived," quipped Paine. "Emphasis on Very. And Long. A decade's not much, if you've been around long enough and know how to manage your time effectively."

"So really, living here for a few years with good friends and a good climate won't be that bad," Yuna said cheerfully.

"As long as the Crusaders don't dissect you," Selphie said cheerfully. "And look at your innards, and pull them out and stick them in jars for later analysis, and pin your empty corpses on walls like trophies. Or dead butterflies" The fairies paled at that thought.

"You know, maybe that wouldn't be a bad idea," Wakka thought out loud. "Tidus' dad said the Crusaders would be okay with an alien life-form if it didn't try to attack or kill anyone."

"Considering the look on his face when he was talking about it, he seems more likely to attack us first and ask questions later if we reveal ourselves to him," Rikku said uneasily. "Especially since we're visibly of the same species as the monsters operating the giant robot toilet that killed a whole bunch of his friends."

They grimaced at that thought, and were silent for another moment as they were once more reminded of the people LeBlanc had hurt. "I guess we'll have to keep pretending to be humans for a while, then," Yuna said finally.

"Joy," grunted Paine.

"Hey, there are lots of good things about being human," Wakka protested. "Like…um…"

"Being tall," Tidus prompted.

"Yeah! And…uh…" Wakka frowned in thought, trying to think of something else.

Selphie sighed and rolled her eyes. "Oh Em Gee, enough of the melodrama already, puh-leaze. Why don't you just ask Sora to lend you his Gummi ship when he gets back from wherever he went? Like, a-_duhhhh._"

They stared at Selphie incredulously. "Selphie, that's brilliant!" Tidus cried. "Even if you did say it in a horrible parody of a valley girl accent…"

"Has Hell just frozen over?" wondered an amazed Wakka. It hadn't, but it had gotten a few degrees cooler, much to the annoyance of some of the demons down there.

"That's perfect! Why didn't we think of that before?! Now we can go home!" Yuna cried joyously, totally unaware that her world had already been completely destroyed by Oberon. "When Sora gets home, anyway. Where'd you say he and his friends went?"

"We're not really sure," Tidus admitted. "They shouldn't be gone long, though, unless they've been tasked on an epic adventure to save the universe…again." He had no idea how ironic that statement was.

"I can't believe this," murmured Paine. "How'd Selphie figure that out when the rest of us couldn't?!"

"The balance of the universe is shifting due to an immense cataclysm elsewhere in the cosmos," Selphie said seriously. "The resulting warping of the fabric of space can affect the psyches of those with unstable minds, granting them brief clarity and insight." Her eyes glazed over, and she began to drool. "Pancakes!"

"Well, that didn't last long," Rikku observed.

"Probably for the best, ya?" Wakka pointed out.

"I don't know…a sane Selphie might have been easier to be around," Tidus pointed out.

"Why _do_ you hang out with her, anyway?" Paine asked the humans.

"We don't, she sort of…stalks us," Wakka said sheepishly. "We can't get rid of her, so we let her stay. Nothing we can do."

"Plus, her parents pay us five bucks an hour to keep her company," Tidus confessed. "They try to keep her out of the house as much as possible because otherwise she drives them crazy." He fidgeted uncomfortably. "To be honest…me, Wakka, Sora, Riku, Kairi, and the rest of the gang…we're…we're sort of her only friends. The only people who can come anywhere close to tolerating her, you know…Selphieness."

There was an uncomfortable silence as the fairies absorbed this. "Oh," Rikku said after a moment. She looked away. "That's…that's very sad…"

"Damn," Paine muttered with a grimace. "Now I feel sorry for her…"

"Selphie," Yuna said to the not-quite-sane girl. "I'm sorry if we've ever given you any reason to think otherwise, but…we all think of you as our friend. Never let anyone tell you different, all right?"

"Hmm?" Selphie grunted, picking her nose vigorously. She pulled her finger out, examined it, then stuck it in her mouth. "You say something?" The others grimaced.

The brief melancholy and awkwardness caused by the revelation of Selphie's social condition and home life didn't last long, as a flock of seagulls flew by against the backdrop of the sunset, creating a beautiful image that would probably have made a good model for a cheap mass-produced painting or photo that hotels and restaurants all over the world could put up for aesthetic purposes. (Actually, as it turned out, mass-produced tropical paintings were one of the Destiny Islands' major exports.) It was a breathtaking display…until one of the birds almost hit Wakka with its droppings.

Selphie giggled immaturely. "Teehee, birdie go poopy!"

"Hey, watch it!" Wakka yelled angrily at the bird as it flew past them with the rest of its flock. "That almost got in my hair, you flying rat!"

"I thought that was the term for pigeons," Rikku commented. "Flying rats, I mean."

"I think it applies to seagulls too. And, since they probably don't get many pigeons in this climate, the 'nickname' stuck," Paine replied.

Wakka furiously threw his Blitzball into the air in a vain attempt to hit the seagull that had almost crapped on him. Predictably, it missed, and began falling back down right on a collision course with Paine. She yelped and quickly rolled out of the palm leaves before the ball could hit her. The blue and white orb hit the top of the tree and bounced off, shaking it and causing several star-shaped fruits to fall from its upper reaches and plop down on the surrounding sand, one landing right in a surprised Yuna's lap. The Blitzball also landed, right on Tidus' head. "Ow!"

"Hey, watch it!" Paine snapped angrily at Wakka. "You could've hit me!"

"Yeah, well…what were you doing up there anyway? You coulda fallen and gotten hurt just as badly as if you _had_ gotten hit by my ball!" Wakka snapped crossly. He knew he should apologize, but he was too angry about missing that damn seagull to really care, which was of course a very big mistake.

"I can fly, you idiot!" Paine snarled. "Falling doesn't bother me! What _does_ bother me, though, is morons throwing stuff in the air without thinking about where it might land! What goes up must come down, after all!"

"Yeah, like your face!" Wakka retorted. He blinked in confusion after he said it. _Wait, that didn't make any sense…_

However, Paine seemed to feel it was a serious insult, even if she herself wasn't sure exactly what it meant. "WHAT?!"

"Ah…" Wakka said anxiously, realizing he probably should have kept his mouth shut to keep him from sticking his foot in it. "Oh, crap…"

"Tidus, are you okay?" asked a concerned Yuna as Paine and Wakka got into a very heated, loud, and largely one-sided argument while a fascinated Rikku and Selphie watched.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's nothing," Tidus grunted, rubbing the spot where the ball had hit him. "Though it might leave a bruise."

"Maybe I should take a look at it," Yuna said, not in the least bit mollified. She got up as Tidus obediently leaned over so she could examine his head, and the star-shaped fruit fell out of her lap. "Hmm?" She glanced down at the fruit. "What's this?" She bent down and picked it up.

Tidus, somewhat disappointed she'd forgotten about his no doubt life-threatening head injury, rubbed his head and looked at the object in her hands. "Oh, that's a paopu fruit. They only grow around these parts. Um…" He frowned, deep in thought. "It might be the bump on my head, but I know there's something really important about them, I just can't remember what."

Yuna gave him a worried glance. "Is it forbidden? Or poisonous?"

"Huh? No, just…um…" Tidus frowned. "Like I said, I can't remember."

"Hmm." Yuna sniffed the fruit. Squeezed it. It seemed ripe and fit for consumption. "What's it taste like?"

"Um…I don't know, actually," Tidus said in surprise. "I don't think I've ever had one."

"Oh!" said Yuna. She glanced down at the fruit, then back at Tidus. "Well…would you like to share this one, then?"

Tidus smiled and got up. "Sure!"

Selphie, hearing the sound of fruit being split apart, turned around just in time to see Yuna hand half of the star-shaped paopu to Tidus, while keeping the other for herself. Her eyes widened in horror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!" she howled, getting to her feet and lunging at them dramatically as everything seemed to slow down around her, drawing out the moment.

However, since she was moving in slow motion, she didn't reach the human and fairy before they had each taken a bite from their paopu halves. She hit the ground with a thud, planting her face in the sand. "Owie."

"MMMM…it's wonderful!" Yuna cried out as the fruit juices hit her taste buds.

Tidus nodded and swallowed the rest of his piece. "Yeah, I wonder why I've never had one of these before!"

Wakka, catching Tidus and Yuna eating the fruit out of the corner of his eye, broke off his shouting match with Paine and whirled around, a horrified look on his face. "Tidus, you idiot! What're you doing?! That's a paopu fruit, mon!"

Tidus blinked. "Uh…yeah? So?"

"Is that a bad thing?" asked a puzzled Yuna.

"Only the baddest of all bad things that are bad that could possibly happen badly ever!" Selphie cried as she got back up. Then she shoveled some more sand into her mouth, since she liked the taste of it.

Wakka nodded. "Tidus, don't you remember? According to island folklore, if two people share a paopu fruit their destinies will be intertwined forever! You're only supposed to eat them when you're getting married or something like that!"

Tidus and Yuna's eyes bulged. "Oh my," Yuna whispered.

"Oh crap," Tidus groaned. _Now_ he remembered why he had never had paopu before.

"Well, it's probably just a story," Rikku said uneasily. "Right?"

Paine frowned and snatched the paopu piece from Yuna's hands. "Let me see that." She took a long, deep whiff of the broken fruit's scent. "Hmm…just as I suspected. I thought I had smelled magic earlier, I just didn't know where it was coming from until now."

"W-wait, you mean there's actual magic in these things?!" asked an alarmed Tidus.

Paine nodded. "Powerful magic…the kind that can intertwine people's destinies forever."

"Oh," Tidus said, his heart sinking. Wait, but now his destiny was intertwined with Yuna's forever. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing. He restrained himself from smiling eagerly, though, after he saw the distraught expression on Yuna's face. She didn't look as happy about this as he secretly was.

"Tidus, I…I'm so sorry, I had no idea…" she started.

"Wh-what?!" _She_ was the one who was apologizing?! "If anyone should say they're sorry, it's me! I'm the local, I should have remembered the stories about the paopu! But…um…hey!" He smiled, trying to put a bright face on their predicament. "I…I don't know if you feel the same way, but…personally, if my destiny absolutely had to be intertwined with someone else's, there's nobody I'd rather do it with than you." Yuna flushed and looked away. Rikku giggled, Paine rolled her eyes while hiding a smirk, and Wakka groaned, grumbling to himself about fools in love.

Selphie's reaction was a bit more severe, though. She lunged at Yuna and started throttling her. "You painted lady! You showgirl! You carnival floozy! You boyfriend-stealer! You bad woman whose profession starts with a 'p'! You witch spelled with a 'b'! Tidus was MINE! He was supposed to marry ME! _I_ was the one who was going to share the paopu fruit with him, not you!!!"

"S-s-sorry!" stammered a startled Yuna.

"Hey, cut that out!" Paine snapped.

"Get off my cousin!" said Rikku. She, Paine, and Wakka quickly pulled Selphie off the fairy, while Tidus made sure Yuna was all right.

Then he realized what Selphie had just said. "Wait, you thought we were going to share the paopu fruit?! Why?!"

"Because it's DESTINY!" Selphie shrieked. "I knew from the moment I saw you on the day we met back in Kindergarten that we would one day be married!"

_Several years ago…_

A much smaller and cuter Selphie wearing a pink shirt with a yellow flower design on it was playing with blocks, namely by trying to eat them. They didn't fit in her mouth, though, so she just chewed and drooled and left tooth marks and saliva all over them. The poor kindergarten had to get new block sets every week as a result, resulting in severe cutbacks for the teachers' salaries. Tidus, also smaller and cuter and wearing blue suspenders for some reason, toddled over. "Hi," he said.

Selphie took the block out of her mouth. "Hi."

"I'm Tidus, what's your name?" the boy asked.

"Selphie."

"Okay." Tidus walked off. Selphie went back to chewing on the blocks.

_Back in the present…_

"It was love at first sight," Selphie said with a passionate sigh.

The others blinked, not sure what to make of this 'romantic' tale. "Well, that was…interesting…" Rikku murmured.

"Um, Selphie, I don't think-" Tidus started.

"LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!" she screamed. Then she smiled and turned to Wakka. "Oh well, if I can't have Tidus, I guess I'll settle for you."

The redhead's eyes widened in horror. "Wh-what?! No way, mon! I was gonna share the paopu with Lulu! Well, unless Chappu did it first."

"Yes, but Lulu's not here right now," Selphie said sweetly, picking up one of the fruits lying on the ground, taking a bite out of it, and thrusting it in Wakka's face. "EAT IT!"

Panicking at the partly-eaten paopu fruit being shoved in his face and the prospect of marrying Selphie, Wakka quickly backed away, grabbed another paopu off the ground, took a bite out of it, and threw it to Paine. "PAINE! Quick, eat some of this, it's the only way to save me!"

Paine started. "What?! No way, I refuse to be part of-"

She was cut off when Wakka ran over, ripped off part of the fruit in her hands, and shoved it down her throat. He grabbed the dark fairy by the shoulders as she choked on it, giving Selphie a broad grin. "See? You can't marry me now, I'm promised to Paine! Oh well, better luck next time!"

Selphie sulked and kicked up some sand. "Oh, poop!" She brightened again, and turned to Rikku. Rikku felt a very deep sense of dread, certain that nothing good could come of this. "Well, since there's nobody else left, I'll just have to marry you, then."

Yuna gasped. "What?!"

"Oy, this is getting crazy…" Tidus muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Ack! Honey, stop…gasp…you're killing me!" Wakka rasped as Paine pinned him to the ground, trying to choke him to death.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" she shrieked, eyes glowing blood red as she strangled her would-be 'fiancé.'

Face pale, Rikku protested Selphie's 'proposal'. "B-b-but I'm a girl, just like you! We can't get married!"

"Oh, don't worry," Selphie said cheerfully. "That sort of thing's kosher around these parts." She thrust the partially-eaten paopu into Rikku's face. "EAT IT!" Rikku, quite naturally, screamed in terror and ran for her life. Wouldn't you? "COME BACK HERE AND BE MY BRIDE!" Selphie bellowed, chasing after her.

"…Well, glad to see we're all being mature about this…" Tidus said sarcastically in reference to how everyone else was reacting to getting bonded by the paopu or being threatened to be bonded.

"Why did Wakka give it to Paine instead of Rikku?" wondered Yuna as her friend continued trying to murder Wakka.

"Wakka's always liked dark, gothic chicks," Tidus explained. "Well, at least this resolves the complicated love triangle going on with him, Lulu, and Chappu."

"I suppose so," agreed Yuna.

There was a pause. Neither of them quite looked at each other. "Um…I should probably go help Wakka," Tidus said awkwardly.

Yuna nodded a little too eagerly. "And I'll try and save Rikku."

"And…uh…afterwards…" Tidus glanced back at her, rubbing the back of his head. "Do you wanna…I dunno…go out later? If my dad'll let me, I mean? Assuming he doesn't bust my chops for thoughtlessly sharing a paopu with someone at my age…"

Yuna smiled, her expression brightening. "I think I'd like that very much, Tidus." Tidus grinned, a warm feeling rising up inside of him.

That warm feeling faded when a streak of light shot through the sky and crashed into the far side of the island with a great explosion, shaking the island and throwing up a huge cloud of sand and smoke. Paine looked up and stopped choking Wakka, and Selphie stopped chasing Rikku to look around and scream, "THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING, WE MUST SEE THE PRESIDENT!"

Tidus groaned. "Oh come on, what now?!"

They quickly ran around to the far side of the island and found, you guessed it, a wrecked and burning spaceship. Unlike the Disney Gummi ship Sora, Riku and Kairi had flown off in, or the sleek red vaguely motorcycle-ish ship the Gullwings came in, this new vessel looked as if it had been a piece of junk even before it crash-landed. In fact, it actually looked as if it was _made_ from junk, Tidus could swear the hull was made of welded-together rusty plates, trash can lids, old and dented signs, and…was that a _bicycle_bolted to one side?!

"Aw man, _more _aliens?!" Wakka groaned.

"I don't think this island's big enough for _two_ downed spaceships," Tidus commented.

"IT'S AN INVASION! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Selphie screamed, running around in circles.

"Rikku, do you think we could use materials from that thing to fix our ship? You're pretty good with machines," Paine pointed out.

Rikku shook her head. "I don't know…that stuff looks pretty trashed, which is saying something, considering that all of looks like it's _already_ made of garbage. I'm not sure what I could salvage from it. We'll have to see if the ship's owners will be willing to part with it, first…" Her expression brightened. "Of course, if they were killed in the crash, that won't be a problem!" The others looked at her in horror. "Oh, wait, I shouldn't have said that out loud, should I…"

"Watera!" Yuna cast, causing water to rain down from the sky and drench the wrecked ship, putting out the flames. "There, that should help whoever's inside."

"Um, Yuna, don't you think you could have flooded the ship with that spell?" Rikku pointed out.

"And if there was any exposed circuitry, you might have just electrified the crew," Paine pointed out.

Yuna paled. "Oh no…perhaps I should have used a Blizzard spell instead…"

She needn't have worried, though, a hatch that Tidus had originally mistaken to be aluminum siding swung open then fell off its hinges, water left over from Yuna's spell trickling out from the interior as a pair of figures in sagging drenched (and burnt) space suits that looked as if they had been cobbled together from opaque plastic bags and pieces of metal with actual fishbowls for helmets (currently fogged up and making it impossible to see the spacemens' faces) stumbled out of the ruined vessel. They wore makeshift oxygen tanks on their backs made from old scuba gear and an automatic bicycle pump.

"Well, looks like the space program wherever these guys are from had a low budget…" muttered Paine.

"Greetings, indigenous beings!" the taller of the two figures said, raising an arm in salutations. (He wasn't that tall. Actually, the aliens were about the height of Tidus or Wakka.) "Do not be afraid, we come in peace from the distant land of Twilight Town Junior High on a faraway world!"

"Take us to your leader," the shorter alien said solemnly. The taller one elbowed him. "Ow!"

"Pence, cut it out, this is serious," the taller alien hissed, his voice muffled by the fish bowl he was wearing over his head.

"Right, sorry."

"Ahem! We have traveled the vast reaches of space to seek a world like yours…a world that we can write a report on and turn in for a good grade, fulfilling the requirements of our science project!" the taller alien continued.

"…" The sextet looked at each other. Well, five of them did, Selphie was screaming and running in circles. "They traveled through space just to write a report on an alien world?" asked an incredulous Tidus.

"I certainly wouldn't put that much effort into anything for school," Wakka commented.

"It's not unheard of for some space-faring races to send their young out to other worlds on exchange programs or for academic reasons," Yuna admitted.

"Or as a rite of passage which involves finding a new defenseless world for their species to conquer," Paine added.

"But usually those races travel in ships that aren't…well…" Rikku glanced at the wrecked ship. "Pieces of trash."

"Hey, I heard that!" the shorter alien said angrily. "I'll have you know we used the best materials we could find to build that ship! Most of which was taken from the scrap yard…and junkyard…and people's trash…I'll shut up now."

"Don't mock our garbage!" the taller alien said haughtily. "Our trash is probably more technologically advanced than any vehicle you have on this planet!"

"No it's not," said Wakka.  
The taller alien's shoulders slumped. "It's not?"

"No," said Tidus. "I'm pretty sure it isn't, anyway. I mean, we don't have any actual working spaceships, but if we did they would probably be made of better working parts than that thing. We have planes and boats and stuff like that, after all."

"Oh, and television, can't forget that," Wakka pointed out. "And the Internet!"

"Darn. Well, there goes my plan to trade you some worthless junk in exchange for valuable local artifacts," the alien said with a sigh.

What appeared to be a perfectly normal human girl wearing a damp and somewhat singed orange and white floral-patterned shirt, wringing water from her long brown braided hair, exited the hatch and frowned at her two shipmates. "Hayner, Pence, why are you still wearing those? Are you bothering the locals?" She glanced at the group. "Are they bothering you?"

"Um…no?" said a confused Yuna.

"This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder..." Tidus groaned.

"Well, I guess this just goes to show you…be careful what you wish for, ya?" Wakka said sagely.

"Well, I'm glad there's a woman in this group, means they must have some common sense," said a relieved Paine.

"Olette, what are you doing out of your suit?!" the shorter figure cried in alarm. "Your body has been exposed to this planet's atmosphere! There's no telling what kind of foreign toxins or diseases are flying about-" She interrupted him by grabbing his helmet and twisting it off, revealing that he was not an alien at all but a normal-looking human boy with a doughy face and messy black hair. "No! What have you done?! Now you've doomed me too!"

"Oh, knock it off, those sensors you cobbled together told us this planet's atmosphere was perfectly breathable," she said, a no-nonsense look on her face. "Hayner, you take yours off too, stop trying to intimidate the locals."

"Yes ma'am," the taller figure grunted, twisting his helmet off and revealing that he too was human, only with blonde hair gelled back in a style vaguely like Wakka's. He blinked in surprised when he saw the 'locals'. "Hey, you guys are humans too?"

"Uh, yeah, humans, right…" Rikku said, laughing anxiously. "What else would we be?"

"I'm just as surprised to see you as you are to see us," said an amazed Tidus.

"Yeah, kind of disappointing…" complained Wakka. "You guys coulda at least had antenna or pointy ears or maybe a couple of extra eyes, ya? Would've been more interesting."

"Fascinating…this would seem to confirm my hypothesis that humans have somehow either evolved or settled on other worlds beyond our own!" Pence said excitedly. "Of course, we saw evidence of this in Sora and Kairi, but it's still incredible to land on a whole new world and find that humans are the first kind of people you run into!"

The group was taken aback. "Wait, you know Sora and Kairi?!" cried a shocked Tidus.

"You do too?" asked the equally surprised Hayner.

Wakka shook his head in amazement. "Those guys get everywhere…"

"Wow, it really is a small galaxy," commented Yuna.

"How do you know Sora and Kairi?" the girl, Olette asked the group.

"They live here!" Tidus said. "Though they're…kind of out now."

"As in out of the solar system," quipped Wakka. "But how do you know them?"

"Kairi appeared out of a swirling portal of darkness one day with a big yellow dog, and was later captured by a mysterious man in a black cloak who took her away through another swirling portal of darkness," Pence explained.

"He was a really weird guy…I couldn't even touch him…" said Hayner with a scowl.

"Sora, whom we had met before (wearing clothes a size or too small for him), came looking for her, but showed up too late to save her," Olette continued. "He went off searching for her again with his odd-looking friends, but came back a while later to investigate the old abandoned mansion outside of Twilight Town. Pence helped him open a portal to a digital duplicate of our town which would help lead him to the hideout of the people who kidnapped Kairi."

Rikku blinked. "Digital duplicate of your town?"

Hayner scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, I never really understood that either…"

Pence continued where Olette had let off. "We never saw him again after that, but it didn't take us long to figure out that he and Kairi must have been from some other world altogether. That's where we got some of the inspiration to travel to another planet for our science project."

"Quite the ambitious science project," Tidus commented. "Hope you get a good grade for this."

"We'd better, after the horrible experience of _flying _here," Hayner growled. Then he brightened up. "On the other hand, we can't go back home if we don't have a ship, which means…no more school! Woohoo!"

"The people here would probably try to make us enroll in their schools since we're as human as they are," Olette pointed out.

Hayner sagged. "Awww, man!"

"So, since Sora and Kairi apparently live here, and you're clearly locals, can I presume that you grew up with them?" Pence asked the group.

"Those two have, but we met them—well, Sora actually, we've never met Kairi--on another world as well," Yuna said. "We're not from around here, just like you."

"Yuna!" Paine started, looking alarmed. Tidus was startled as well that his girlfriend (?) had so freely revealed her secret.

"They're off-worlders too, I see no reason for us to conceal our identities from them," Yuna replied sensibly. "You see, although we currently look human, we're actually a group of treasure-hunting fairies from another world known as the Gullwings."

"We also double as a band, when we're not looting tombs and ancient ruins and stuff," Rikku added.

"I see," said Pence, looking as if he believed them completely, as did Olette. Hayner, on the other hand…

The boy snorted. "Fairies? I don't believe in-"

"DON'T SAY THAT!" the Gullwings yelled at once, nearly frightening Hayner to death. Then again, they looked so scared at the moment that they probably weren't far away from that end themselves.

"Wh-why?!" stammered Hayner.

"Whenever a person says they don't believe in fairies, somewhere in the universe a fairy dies," Paine said solemnly.

Wakka's eyes widened. "Whoa."

Tidus' jaw dropped. "What?! No way! Why didn't you guys tell me?!"

"It's not really something you want people to know about," Rikku said dryly.

"Hayner, you almost killed them! Apologize!" Olette said fiercely.

Hayner gave the Gullwings a remorseful and apologetic look. "I…I'm sorry, I had no idea...Wait, I thought that fairies only died when you said curse words."

"No, you're thinking of angels," Olette said. She frowned. "I think."

"So you're of a species that can be killed just by saying a specific phrase? Fascinating…" Pence marveled. It was then he noticed Selphie. He frowned. "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but is there a reason that girl over there is running in circles and screaming her head off?"

The Islanders and Gullwings turned around to look at Selphie. "Well…no, not really," Rikku said after a moment.

"She's not…right in the head," Wakka said uneasily. "There isn't really anything we can do for her but just let her be."

Olette frowned. "What? I refuse to believe that. Let me talk to her."

"W-wait, I don't think that's-" Tidus started, only for Olette to push right by him and walk over to the screaming, circling Selphie. "Oh boy."

"This won't end well," muttered Paine.

"Do you have any idea what's going on?" Hayner asked Pence.

He shook his head. "No, not really."

Hayner sighed. "I'm starting to think we should have just done a _normal_ science project, like building a model volcano. Everyone builds a model volcano. It's much more predictable and safe than flying through space and crash-landing on some…well, nuthouse."

"Yes, but not as interesting," Pence pointed out. "Plus, our science teacher said he'd kill himself if he saw one more model volcano. Besides, we're making history! The first people from our world to travel to the stars!"

"I guess…although I wish _he_ hadn't come," Hayner growled, glaring back at their wrecked ship. He frowned. "Hey, where is he? Shouldn't he and the others have come out by now?"

Pence frowned as well. "Hmm…that's a very good question…"

Meanwhile, Olette was trying to talk some sense into Selphie. (Good luck!) "Hello there!" she yelled loudly at the screaming girl.

Selphie abruptly stopped in her backs, pivoted, and smiled eerily at Olette. "Hello."

"My name is Olette. What's your name?" Olette asked Selphie.

"I'm Selphie! Are you going to eat my brains?" Selphie asked cheerfully.

"No," Olette said without losing composure.

Selphie pouted in disappointment. "Why not?"

"I'm allergic."

"Oh. Are you going to give me an anal probe?" Selphie looked almost disgustingly hopeful at this.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'd rather be your friend than give you an anal probe, Selphie," Olette said gently. "Would you like to be my friend, Selphie?"

"I'd like to marry you," Selphie said.

This last bit finally seemed to give Olette pause. "You do?"

Selphie nodded vigorously. "Yes!"

"And why is that?"

"Because all the other boys I wanted to marry are taken," Selphie pouted. "So just eat this," she said, thrusting her half-eaten paopu fruit in Olette's face. "And we'll be together forever!"

"No thank you," Olette said calmly. "I'm already taken."

Selphie frowned. "You are?"

"She is?" asked a confused Tidus.

"She is?!" yelled an alarmed Hayner and Pence.

"Yes, Hayner over there is my boyfriend," Olette said, pointing at the startled blond.

"You are?" Wakka asked Hayner.

"You are?" Pence asked Hayner.

"I am?" Hayner asked, looking as surprised as they were to hear he was Olette's boyfriend. Paine rolled her eyes, and Yuna and Rikku giggled.

Selphie grinned manically. "Well, no problem, I'll just disembowel him and feast on his blood, and then we can get married!" Hayner's face went white with horror.

"That won't be necessary," Olette said, not looking worried in the least.

Selphie blinked in confusion. "It won't?"

Olette shook her hair, her damp braids swaying. "No. Friends don't kill friends."

"Not even if they're possessed by an evil alien monster?!" Selphie asked desperately.

"Maybe then, but Hayner certainly isn't," Olette explained.

"Awww…but then who'm I gonna marry?" Selphie whined. She looked at Pence, who quaked in fear when he realized she was looking at him. "Is he available?"

Olette shook her head. "No, he's married to his work."

"Oh." Selphie scowled. "That's always the worst man to get into a relationship with." Olette nodded in agreement.

"Hey!" Pence protested.

"Actually, I think she's right," Yuna commented. Pence glared at her, but then Tidus glared at him harder, and he backed down.

"Then who'm I gonna marry?" Selphie asked with a pout.

"Well, why do you want to get married so soon?" Olette asked. The reason Selphie gave was so sickening, twisted, disgusting, and just plain wrong that it took Olette a full thirty seconds to respond. "Ah. I see. Selphie, that's a very unhealthy thing to do with your spouse or life partner, no matter what age you are…"

Rikku and Wakka, shuddering in terror, were both clinging on to an uncomfortable Paine. "You know, I'm really, _really_ glad I shared the paopu with you instead of her," Wakka whimpered.

Rikku's teeth chattered in fright. "I can't believe I came so close to…to…to _that…_" Hayner and Pence had gone off to throw up behind their downed ship.

"Damn," Tidus muttered, shaking his head, eyes wide with horror. "I just missed one hell of a bullet when we shared that fruit, didn't I Yuna?" She nodded wordlessly, struck speechless by the sheer vileness of Selphie's reasons for getting married.

"Why is it wrong?" asked a puzzled Selphie. "It's what I want! And I want it so BADLY."

"Not everything you want is good for you," Olette explained. "Here, let me tell you a story…" She then began talking in a low voice to the insane girl. Selphie listened intently, a rapt expression on her face.

"How is she doing that?" asked an amazed Wakka. "I can't remember anyone EVER getting Selphie to calm down like that before. Psychiatrists with all sorts of degrees have had to lock THEMSELVES up after more than one session with her!"

"Olette's always had a gift for breaking through to rather…difficult people," Pence explained. "In fact, if it weren't for that talent, we might not have gotten here!"

"Oh yeah?" asked a curious Tidus. "How come?"

Hayner's expression darkened, but he said nothing, so Pence explained. "You see, the three of us aren't the only people who built this ship and who came in it to this world. We could have built it on our own, actually…if not for the fact that the scrap yard containing most of the parts we needed happened to be owned by the family of Hayner's greatest enemy, and leader of our rival 'gang'…the nefarious Seifer."

The Islanders and Gullwings blinked. "Seifer? Isn't that the name of one of those Duel Monster things Mewgle talked about earlier?" Tidus asked.

"It actually sounds sort of like the name of some criminal organization we ran into on one world…they were able to turn the indigenous wildlife into dark creatures sort of like Heartless, but not quite, by 'closing the doors to their hearts'…or something like that," Paine recalled.

"Aren't ciphers some kind of code? Or code decryptor?" asked Yuna.

"I thought he was that fox on that one stupid TV show…you know, the one with the dark-skinned girl, and he can somehow be defeated by people yelling his name a lot?" Wakka suggested.

That was the last straw. Hayner snapped. "No, no, no! Seifer's none of those things! He's the biggest jerk who's ever lived, leader of the so-called 'Twilight Town Disciplinary Committee', which is in fact just a bunch of bullies who wander around town beating up people they don't like because they supposedly 'broke the law.'" Hayner's face was red with fury. "And that…that RATFINK…is on our ship. It took all of Olette's diplomacy to convince him to let us use the scrapyard to build our ship, but he only let us in on the condition that he and his pals got to come with us into space, though why in the world he'd want something like that I honestly can't say." He gnashed his teeth angrily. "And he got to be the captain. _I_ was supposed to be the captain, dammit!"

"If they came with you, why haven't they come out yet?" wondered a puzzled Yuna.

Pence shrugged. "Search me."

Tidus frowned. "Well, they'd better finish whatever they're doing in there and get out quick, we're going to need to move fast to hide all this before the Crusaders show up and take you away on suspicion of being hostile alien invaders."

Hayner and Pence stared at them. "…Why would they think that?"

"It's sort of their job to do that," Wakka explained. "We've had lots of monster attacks and alien invasions in the last year, so the Crusaders were formed to repel them. They've been doing a pretty good job so far."

"Yeah, just this afternoon, we watched them defeat a giant robot toilet piloted by evil fairies!" Rikku said enthusiastically.

Hayner and Pence exchanged glances. "A giant…robot…toilet?" They started snickering, much to the distaste of everyone who had been present at the battle with the Toilenator and seen its destructive power firsthand.

Paine glared at the duo. "It's nothing to laugh at. That toilet killed dozens of people, and injured more."

That stopped the newcomers' laughter. "Oh…um…sorry…" Pence apologized, face ashen. "We didn't know."

"It might have destroyed the whole island, if my dad hadn't stopped it," Tidus said.

"With one of the best Blitzball kicks I've ever seen," Wakka said in hushed tones of awe. "He's never failed to win a game or fight with that move, and it served him well today."

"Blitzball? What's that?" asked a curious Hayner.

Tidus smirked. "Only the greatest sport ever invented!"

Hayner straightened up proudly. "Oh yeah? I'm guessing you've never heard of Struggle, then."

"No, we haven't," agreed Tidus. "What's that?"

"It's a sort of sparring contest where two fighters beat each other up with foam bats and collect colored orbs that fly off of their bodies. Whoever collects the most orbs within the time limit wins," Yuna explained.

Hayner and Pence glanced at the fairy. "How'd you know that?"

"We've been places," she said vaguely.

"Ha, doesn't hold a candle to Blitzball," Wakka bragged. "Two teams dive into a pool of water and try to shoot the ball into their opponents' goal, all while holding their breaths for as long as possible. It can get really physical, too! But of course, the really tough part is staying under without running out of oxygen. And rebreathers, scuba gear, and any other gizmo that can help you breathe underwater is illegal, so the only way to win endurance-wise is to train and train until your lungs are stronger than the other guy's. I can already hold my breath for ten minutes at a time," he boasted, and this seemed to impress Pence, though Hayner tried to act aloof. "I'll be up to twenty in no time!"

"Not if I get there first!" Tidus challenged him.

"While this demonstration of male one-upmanship is fascinating," Paine said sarcastically. "I think we should get the rest of your crew out from that ship and cover all this up before someone comes looking around."

"Probably a good idea," agreed Pence as Hayner, Tidus and Wakka bristled at Paine's slight to their masculinity. He turned around and stuck his head through the hatch he, Hayner, and Olette had come out of. "Seifer! Are you and the others coming out yet? We need to get moving!" There was no response.

Hayner snorted angrily. "Typical. Let me handle this." As Pence got out of the way, Hayner stuck his head through the hatch and shouted, "SEIFER! GET THE HELL OUT HERE, YOU SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT! JUST BECAUSE YOU FORCED US TO TAKE YOU ALONG DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! COME OUT HERE NOW OR WE'LL LEAVE YOU AND YOUR CRONIES FOR THE MILITARY TO DISSECT!"

Tidus, Wakka, and the Gullwings blinked. Selphie and Olette continued talking. Pence looked as if he was used to this sort of thing. "Um…wow…" Rikku said after a moment. "He…really doesn't like this Seifer guy, huh?"

"Well, he _did_ say they were archenemies," Paine pointed out.

"Well, yes, but we're archenemies with LeBlanc, and despite all the atrocities she's committed, I don't think I could ever talk to her like that with that much…pure hatred…" murmured an appalled Yuna. Tidus found himself loving her all the more for her tragically misplaced compassion, because that was just the kind of person she was, to be concerned for an enemy who wanted to see her dead.

"Why do Seifer and Hayner hate each other so much?" Wakka asked Pence.

Pence rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "It's a long story. They were actually best friends, a long time ago. But then…well, things changed. That's the way it is."

Wakka grimaced and glanced at Tidus. "Hope that never happens to us."

Tidus nodded in agreement. "Yeah…me too."

"SEIFER!" Hayner yelled again into the hatch, face turning red with frustration.

"Hang on, just a minute; we're not done putting on our uniforms! Gawd," an annoyed voice called back from inside the wrecked ship.

Hayner blinked and pulled back. "Uniforms? What's he talking about? I don't remember any uniforms. Do you remember anything about uniforms, Pence?"

Pence shook his head. "No, I have no idea."

They started getting an idea, though, when mist seeped from the hatch and crept out across the sands, a dramatic orchestral piece began playing, and (slightly dorky) maniacal laughter boomed from within the ship. Tidus, Wakka, and the Gullwings groaned as the two foreigners exchanged confused looks. "Oh no, don't tell me we're going to be attacked by another bunch of weirdoes with no fashion sense, a tendency to do big flashy dramatic entrances, and stupid evil plans," Wakka moaned. "Didn't we get enough of that from LeBlanc's gang already?"

Paine sighed and shook her head. "Figures, there's more than one like her in the universe. Proof positive in my mind that there is no loving God, for if He existed, why would He allow for the creation of multiple villains like LeBlanc and her goons?"

"A lousy sense of humor?" Rikku suggested.

"That could explain it too," Paine admitted.

"Um…what're you guys talking about?" asked a confused Pence.

It was at that point that a boy and a girl, both of them a little older and taller than Hayner or Pence, strolled out of the misty hatch. The group stared in disbelief, amazement, and confusion at the outfits they were wearing.

The boy was olive-skinned and fairly muscular with dark hair and a somewhat stupid look to him due to his wide, staring eyes and vapid grin. The majority of his outfit seemed to consist of an ungodly number of belts with spiky metal studs sticking out of them. He had belts wrapped around his legs, waist, arms, and chest, so many that it was almost impossible to tell if he had any clothes underneath them, although a vest and black jeans were just barely visible through gaps in all the belts. He even had a belt or two wrapped around his head for some reason, holding up a skull-shaped metal mask that could be flipped down over his face at a moment's notice. Almost identical skulls were fastened to his shoulders and knees. He almost might have looked intimidating, if it weren't for the ridiculous number of belts he had on, the clear lack of intelligence on his face, and if maybe he had a weapon more imposing than a foam-tipped two-headed bo staff strapped to his back. "Prepare to get wiped, ya know?"

"Word," said the girl monosyllabically. She was also wearing a black leather outfit, but hers showed more skin than the boy's. A lot more. It looked rather like a dominatrix suit, actually, with a razor-edged chakram and barbed whip dangling from her hip. She was actually kind of attractive, what with her pale skin, short and messy blue-white hair, and red eyes. Or rather, eye, since her hair was artfully arranged in such a way that it covered her left eye. However, the look in her visible right eye and bland, almost expressionless face was quite eerie, as if she neither hated nor particularly cared for the world but was totally indifferent to it, as if she wouldn't care overmuch if everything and everyone were to disappear. Paine narrowed her eyes, instinctively sensing a rival in this young woman. _She _was the only red-eyed white-haired semi-gothic woman in the neighborhood, and there wasn't room enough on the island…or even the planet…for the two of them.

"Uh…you know these guys?" Tidus asked the stunned Hayner and Pence.

"Unfortunately," grunted Hayner.

"Those are Seifer's underlings, Rai and Fuu," Pence explained.

"Ah, so Seifer has a pair of trusted lackeys, just like LeBlanc," Paine grumbled. "And don't tell me, one of them's a total dunce and crybaby while the other's fairly intelligent but completely submissive to the boss's will?"

"Yes, except that Rai's too dense to be a crybaby and Fuu's actually the smartest of the group and only obeys Seifer because she has a crush on him. B-but it's just a rumor!" Pence stammered in terror when Fuu glared at him witheringly with her one eye and silently reached for her chakram.

Rai smirked, pulled off his staff, and twirled it around in his hands impressively before slipping up, bonking himself on the head, and falling to the ground. "Ow…ya know…" Fuu rolled her eye. The others stared. Rai quickly got back to his feet, brushed off his sand, and grinned uneasily. "Uh…just give it up for Seifer, ya know?"

"Hail," said Fuu, standing to attention and saluting as the dramatic music, now sounding like a rock remix of "Imperial March" from Star Wars, intensified and a tall, ominous figure in a long black coat stalked out of the hatch, followed by a much shorter boy with a pointy hat carrying a battered stereo, the source of the music. The figure, a young man a little older than taller than the rest of the human boys aside from Rai, was somewhat handsome, though the arrogant and cruel expression on his face twisted his features unpleasantly. He also had a diagonal scar going across his face, but the arrogant and cruel thing was more repulsive than that. His long black coat trailed down to the ground and had silver trim, probably chosen to look dramatic and ominous but really just making him seem like a Sephiroth wannabe. (At least he didn't have any wings.) Pauldrons made up to look like silver (but actually made of tin) sat on his shoulders, a slightly ratty and torn black cape hanging from them down his back. Why he had a cape when he already had a very long coat, nobody could say. Under the coat he wore a plain black shirt and slacks with thick work boots, a couple of extra belts (nowhere near as many as Rai's, thankfully) strapped on to make him look cooler. A long weapon, possibly a sword but probably not, sat in a sheath at his waist. He had a stylized crest shaped like an 'S' in the form of a serpent trapped within a shield emblazoned on his chest which would have looked cooler if it weren't clearly a drawing made in marker scrawled onto a dull, shapeless piece of metal. His blond hair was tucked under a black stocking cap with a plastic circlet wrapped around it that might from a distance be mistaken for gold, but up close was clearly something taken from some child's dress-up bin. "Greetings, chickenwusses! I'm Seifer, ruler of the…uh…Seiferian Empire, and I hereby declare this world my own! And there's nothing you can do about it, so there! Bwahahahahaha!" He threw back his head and laughed at their stupefied, confused, and horrified expressions.

"What the…heck?!" whispered an astonished Pence.

Olette groaned and put her face in her hands. "Those idiots…"

"SEIFER! SO _THIS_ IS WHY YOU WANTED TO COME ALONG?!" Hayner shouted angrily. "TO EXTEND YOUR BULLYING TO OTHER WORLDS?! YOU…YOU…YOU COLOSSAL JERK!!!!"

Tidus gasped. "No…it can't be!"

"Aw, CRAP!" a horrified Wakka shouted.

"Oh dear…" whispered a shocked Yuna.

"This can't be good…" muttered a wary Paine.

"Oh, come on! Haven't we had enough already?!" moaned Rikku.

"Oh Em Eff Gee Double-you Tee Eff Bee Bee Queue!" Selphie shrieked. "We're all going to die!" She ran away screaming.

Olette blinked and stared after her as the girl ran around in circles, yelling her head off. "O…kay…"

"Um, no offense, but why are you all so worried?" asked a puzzled Pence. "I mean, yes, this is rather startling and a bit frightening, but…well, Seifer's not _that_ scary."

"Says you, chickenwuss!" Seifer sneered. "These wimps clearly know a real man when they see him, and can already tell there's no point in resisting!"

"What? No, don't be preposterous, you're not nearly as tough as you think you are," Yuna said dismissively, causing Seifer to stumble and gawk at her in disbelief.

"We were talking about HIM!" Rikku said anxiously, pointing behind Seifer.

"Yeah, that thing's what we should really be worried about!" agreed Tidus. "Get away from it before it kills you and turns on the rest of us!"

"And then destroys the world! _Again,_" Wakka groaned.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! THE BLACK ALIENS HAVE RETURNED! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie shrieked as she ran around in circles.

"We have to kill it, now," Paine growled through gritted teeth. "Before it calls for reinforcements and devours all our hearts."

Very confused, the newcomers from Twilight Town turned around to see what the Islanders and fairies were so afraid of. All they saw was the short kid standing behind Seifer, carrying the battered stereo and looking just as confused as they were. "Who, me?" The boy was unremarkable, other than being abnormally short, wearing very short green pants and loafers, a blue slightly frilly jacket with big white cuffs, and a tall pointed yellow witch hat whose tip had folded back on itself and was drooping down the back of his head and almost looked like it was alive due to the gaping wide-open zipper 'mouth' and green swirly eyes painted on it. Oh yes, and what little skin that was visible on him was also completely black and absorbed all light, making his hands and head little more than dark silhouettes. Nothing of his face was visible, if indeed he _had_ a face, other than a pair of wide, pupilless yellow eyes.

"That's…Vivi," Pence said slowly, still perplexed.

"Yeah, the wimpiest member of our gang," agreed Seifer. "We only let him hang out with us because he likes Fuu or something." Fuu glared at Seifer, who foolishly ignored her, and Vivi would have flushed if he had cheeks. Or blood vessels. It was hard to tell. Seifer burst into laughter. "Oh man! Don't tell me you guys are terrified of VIVI! HAHAHAHAHA! You losers really are chickenwusses!" He was laughing so hard he had to clutch his sides to keep them from hurting.

"Yeah, Vivi's a practicing black mage, but you could push him over with a finger, ya know?" Rai said, doing just that.

"Ow," Vivi said quietly as he lay sprawled out on the sand. Fuu, showing an odd degree of empathy, helped him get up and reclaim the stereo, which had fallen nearby.

The Islanders and fairies were puzzled now. "I don't think a Heartless would let anyone push it around like that…or even help it out!" said a confused Yuna.

"Maybe it's not a Heartless, then?" suggested Rikku.

"Sure looks a lot like one of those things that destroyed our world over a year ago…" Tidus said, glaring suspiciously at the small mage.

"Yeah, but…I dunno, he doesn't seem nearly as…well, menacing," Wakka said after a moment.

Tidus raised an eyebrow. "Wakka, most of the things that attacked us back then looked like pitch-black oversized children with bug antenna. And yellow eyes."

"Yeah, but _menacing_ pitch-black oversized children with bug antenna and yellow eyes, ya?" Wakka pointed out. Tidus grudgingly admitted his friend might have something.

"Hmmph. If he's willing to stay around…and get pushed around by…humans, he's probably not a Heartless," Paine said, relaxing by a percentage of a degree.

"Heartless? I have no idea what that is, but Vivi's definitely not one," Hayner said.

Pence nodded in agreement. "He's just this weird kid who lives with his grandpa back in Twilight Town."

"Then he's certainly not a Heartless," said a relieved Yuna. "They don't have families." Vivi fidgeted and decided not to mention that technically he was adopted, since his 'grandfather' had first discovered him while fishing off the side of a cliff and accidentally caught Vivi falling out of the sky. What Vivi had been doing that high up, neither of them knew, his memory before that time was completely blank.

"He doesn't really fit in with the rest of Seifer's gang, but he hangs out with them because he looks up to them for some reason," Olette explained.

"Well, he sort of looks up to everyone," Hayner joked. Nobody laughed. It wasn't funny.

"Selphie, you can stop screaming now, there's no Heartless here," Yuna told Selphie, who was still running and screaming.

Selphie stopped for a moment. "Oh, I know that," she said casually.

The others blinked. "Wait, then why are you still running around?" asked Rikku.

"Because I want to." She went back to running and screaming. They blinked.

"Huh," said Olette. "And here I thought I'd broken through to her. Oh well."

"That was weird, ya know?" Rai said, scratching his head.

"Yes, it was. Now, let's conquer this world!" Seifer said loudly to remind everyone that he was supposed to be the center of attention, not Vivi or some running screaming girl.

"You'll have to get through us, first!" Tidus said, stepping forward.

"Us too!" said Hayner. "We're not gonna let you get away with using us to make you a ship that could take you to other worlds, Seifer!"

"Yeah? Well guess what, I _am_ gonna get away with it!" Seifer taunted. "Rai, attack! Use your special power to render them senseless!"

"Sure thing, Seifer, ya know?" Rai's eyes went glassy, he put his hands on his waist, and he started loudly saying, "Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ya know…" And on and on endlessly.

The group of heroes, plus Hayner, Pence, and Olette, staggered, feeling their strength draining away from them. "Ugh…what's happening?" groaned Tidus.

"Not again…" grunted Hayner.

"I feel…weak…" moaned Rikku.

"I think it's…some sort of…spell…" said Yuna. "An…_evil_…one…"

"This…bites…ya know? Ack! Why'd I say that?!" cried Wakka.

"It's…uh…Rai's special power…by saying 'ya know' a lot; he can…lower his foes' power through sheer stupidity and monotonous repetition, making them…completely vulnerable to all attacks!" Pence explained through gritted teeth.

"How…frustrating…that sheer stupidity and good looks can get some people where…actual brains and talent can't, even in…ugh…a fight!" complained Olette.

"Grr…" Paine growled, struggling to pull her sword out. "Uh…I can barely…lift my sword…this…bites…"

"Wait…there's still…one hope…" Tidus gasped, a brainstorm breaking through the clouds of numbness brought on by Rai's mindlessly repeating 'Ya knows'. "Selphie!"

Selphie, who was naturally unaffected by Rai's stupidity power, stopped running and screaming for a moment. "Yeeeeees?"

"Rai's…in love with you. You can marry him!" Tidus only felt a momentary twinge of guilt for ruining poor Rai's life forever, but he felt it was justified. Besides, who knew? They might actually be happy together.

Selphie shrieked with joy at so high a pitch that a few birds dropped from the sky and dogs on the main island started barking loudly. "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE OH EM GEE HEART HEART HEART KAWA-EE!" She immediately started running towards Rai. "COME TO ME, YOU BIG BURNING HUNK OF HUNK OF MAN!!!"

Rai paused, his eyes widening. "Wait, wha-" He was interrupted when Selphie slammed into him, knocking him over and pinning him to the ground. He screamed horribly as she started cuddling him, kissing him, and doing other…very violating things. "AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH, YA KNOW?! MAKE IT STOP, YA KNOW?!

HELP ME, YA KNOW?! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGH, YA KNOW?!"

"Oh my," whispered a horrified Yuna.

"Holy shit," murmured a stunned Hayner. "I don't think I've ever seen Rai scream like that."

"No man should have to suffer such a fate…" Pence said solemnly.

"How could you do that to him?! That was incredibly cruel! Nobody deserves something like that!" an angry Olette shouted at Tidus.

"Yeah, brudda, that seemed a bit harsh…" Wakka said unhappily.

Tidus shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. Better him than any of us, anyway."

"Well, can't argue with you there," Wakka admitted.

"They'll make a perfect couple, anyway," Paine said dismissively.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, YA KNOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME, YA KNOW?! GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY PANTS, YA KNOW! THAT JUST AIN'T RIGHT, YA KNOW!"

"Yep, the perfect couple," an uncertain Rikku agreed…uncertainly.

"Oh god…" Seifer said despondently, shaking his head miserably. "Rai…nobody should have to go out like that. You were a good friend and mindless lackey, Rai. Your death will not go unavenged."

Vivi blinked. "Um, Seifer, Rai's still alive."

Fuu nodded. "Alive."

"He will not be unavenged!" Seifer said loudly.

"You know, we could probably save him right now, if we pulled that terrifying girl off of him-" Vivi pointed out.

"YOU WILL BE AVENGED!" Seifer shouted to the heavens.

Vivi stared at him. Rai continued screaming as Selphie molested him. Fuu rolled her eyes. "Weirdo."

"Fuu!" Seifer declared, pointing at the Islanders, Gullwings, and the group from Twilight Town. "Massacre them for taking down Rai! Let none of them go unpunished!"

"But Seifer, Rai's still-" Vivi tried to say.

"MASSACRE THEM!" Seifer bellowed.

Fuu grinned sinisterly, the first hint of real emotion any of them had seen on her face. "Pleasure." She drew her chakram and uncoiled her whip. Hayner and Pence squealed in fright and hid behind Olette, who rolled her eyes in annoyance at their immaturity.

"From your reaction, I'm guessing she's the toughest of the bunch?" Rikku asked.

Hayner nodded frantically. "Yeah, she's the strongest of Seifer's gang…and scary as hell! You wouldn't believe some of the things she's done to people who've pissed her off, even Seifer!"

"I still have nightmares about that one time I accidentally got ice cream all over her shirt," Pence whimpered in fright. "After she beat me up, she made me clean her shirt…and then the whole street…with my TONGUE. It was horrible…"

"Sounds a lot like you, Paine," Yuna commented. "Except you keep better company."

"Hmm…" Paine narrowed her eyes. "You know, I think you might be right, Yuna." She stepped forward, drawing her sword in the process, much to the surprise of the foreigners, who had never seen a blade like hers before or expected a girl of her apparent age to be carrying something like that. "Hey. You. Fuu. Got a proposition for you. Instead of wasting your time murdering weaklings like this bunch, why don't you test your skills against a real pro?"

"HEY! Who're you calling weaklings?!" Hayner said angrily, still hiding safely behind an annoyed Olette.

"Well, actually, compared to her we kinda are," Wakka said reluctantly.

"Pretty rude of her, though," Tidus commented.

"She didn't have to say that," whined Rikku.

"Of course she did, she's Paine," Yuna pointed out.

Fuu looked intrigued by Paine's proposition. "Fuu, don't listen to her!" Seifer called from behind her. "Focus on your mission of vengeance! Make them pay for what they did to Rai!"

"Um, Seifer, couldn't we just-" Vivi started.

"MAKE THEM PAY!" Seifer bellowed.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH, YA KNOW?! WHY WON'T THE PAIN STOP, YA KNOW?! AAAAAUUUUUGGGGH…YA KNOW!" Rai screamed.

Fuu nodded, ignoring Seifer. "Fight," she said simply. The two white-haired femme fatales charged at each other and clashed their blades together with a metallic clang, striking and blocking and fighting with unimaginable skill which impressed the hell out of the viewers on both sides and will not be described here because we have other, more comedic fighting to see.

"Whoa…two hot albino chicks going at it…the ultimate catfight…" Seifer drooled.

"Seifer, can we help Rai now-" Vivi started.

"Vivi! While their strongest fighter is distracted, take out the rest with your unbeatable black magic!" Seifer ordered.

Vivi blinked. "…Okay." Drawing a tall, weathered stave with various mystic runes engraved on it, Vivi waddled forward.

"Uh oh, this could be trouble," Pence said anxiously, reluctantly pulling his gaze away from the incredibly awesome fight between Paine and Fuu. "Vivi may look harmless, and he's a bit of a featherweight, but when it comes to offensive magic he's one of the best practitioners in town!"

Rikku smirked. "Maybe so, but we have a practitioner of our own…don't we, Yunie?"

Yun nodded. "We certainly do."

Tidus gave her an anxious look. "Are you sure you're up to it? I mean, you guys used up an AWFUL lot of power fighting Yiazmat earlier. Are you sure you've recovered enough to fight him?"

"I'm still not at full power," Yuna admitted. "But I have more than enough for this!" She activated her Black Mage dresssphere, and in a flash of light and magic she transformed into her 'witch' costume, complete with pointy hat and ornate staff, startling everyone who had never seen a fairy change clothes like that before.

"Holy crap! Who _are_ you people?!" yelled an alarmed Seifer.

"Y-you weren't kidding when you guys said you were fairies, were you?" an astonished Hayner asked Rikku.

Rikku smiled and nodded. "That's right! We just happen to be human-sized at the moment. It helps us blend in better."

Pence eyed her skimpy outfit and odd hairstyle doubtfully. "You call that blending in?"

Rikku frowned at him. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Uh…"

"Pence, don't insult her outfit, it's not polite," Olette scolded Pence.

He hung his head sheepishly. "Sorry, Olette."

Yuna twirled her staff dramatically, magical sparks and energy trails flying off of it as she swung it around. "So, do you want to go up against me? See which of us is the greater Black Magician? If so, I'm more than willing to fight!"

Vivi hesitated, and then took a step back, glancing anxiously at Seifer. "Seifer, I don't think I can beat her. Her power and skill are much greater than mine. She's probably been at this a lot longer than I have, I can tell."

Seifer growled in annoyance. "Fine! Then I'll take them on myself!" He drew his weapon, which was…a foam bat with the foam ripped off of it, so it was just a long stick that it would probably hurt a lot to get beaten with. "Ha! Get a load of this!"

Hayner gasped in horror. "You stripped the foam from a regulation Struggle bat?! But that's illegal!"

Seifer cackled evilly. "I know! Isn't it awesome?!"

Tidus rolled his eyes. "Oh please. YOU get a load of this." He drew the sword Caladbolg, eliciting gasps from all the Twilight Towners.

"Whoa! He's packing heat!" cried an alarmed Seifer.

"Well, actually, that term refers more to guns than swords, but I have to admit, that _is_ a rather impressive weapon," Vivi agreed.

"Dude! Where'd you get that?!" Hayner demanded.

"A friend of the family gave it to me," Tidus said honestly.

"An undead world-traveling one," Wakka added.

"Damn! You're lucky! None of my family friends are that cool," Hayner lamented.

Pence nodded. "Yes, and the only gifts I get from mine are clothing. Most disappointing."

"That seems kind of dangerous. Is it safe for kids our age to be using weapons like that?" asked an anxious Olette.

"Aw, it's totally safe," Tidus said carelessly, swishing his sword around and accidentally slicing off the top of Wakka's hair, nearly cutting off his friend's ear in the process.

"Hey!" an angry Wakka yelled.

"Tidus, be careful," Yuna scolded him.

"Yes Yuna," he said, immediately sobering and holding his sword firmly before him. Hayner and Pence snickered at how quickly Tidus had obeyed Yuna, until Olette glared at them, and they shut up just as quickly.

Seifer, like any true bully, was wary when confronted by an opponent clearly as skilled, if not greater, than himself. So, just like all the other bullies before him, he decided to hide behind someone else and let that other person do his fighting for him. He quickly assessed his options. Rai was on the ground screaming as Selphie did horrible things to him in the name of love, Fuu was still fighting Paine—and looking incredibly awesome while doing it—and Vivi didn't look like he wanted to fight Yuna because her magic was apparently stronger than his. And Seifer himself didn't think he could take Tidus, now that it had been revealed that the boy had a bona fide sword. There was only one person, or rather, _thing_ he could fall back on now. "Vivi, these natives and insurgents are putting up too much resistance. There's only one recourse now: total annihilation!" He grinned sinisterly. "Release the secret weapon!"

Vivi blinked. "Release the what now?"

There was a strained silence. "…The secret weapon. You know, that thing we snuck on the ship in case something like this happened? The thing that's almost totally unstoppable and undefeatable?" Vivi stared at him blankly. Seifer sighed in exasperation. "You know, your…friend?"

Vivi blinked. "Friend?" He brightened. "Oh! OH! I know what you're talking about! Yeah, I'll go get her."

The group of heroes looked at each other in confusion. "Secret weapon? What's he talking about?" Yuna asked the Twilight Towners.

Hayner shook his head. "Not sure. I don't think…wait." His eyes widened in horror and his face paled. "No. Oh _no!_ SEIFER! DON'T TELL ME THIS SECRET WEAPON IS WHAT I THINK IT IS! DON'T TELL ME YOU BROUGHT _THAT_ TO AN UNSUSPECTING AND DEFENSELESS WORLD, AND KEPT IT ON A SMALL SHIP WITH US, WHEN IT COULD HAVE SNAPPED AND KILLED US ALL AT ANY MOMENT!"

Pence and Olette gasped, quickly realizing what Hayner was talking about. Nobody else did. "Um, what're you guys talking about? What's this secret weapon?" asked a confused Wakka.

"It can't be _that_ bad, if it came from a place where the best spaceship they could build was assembled from bits and pieces of trash," Tidus grumbled.

"Hey, I'll have you know I built _my_ very first spaceship from pieces of trash!" Rikku said indignantly. "Of course, it _did_ blow up almost immediately, but that's irrelevant!"

"Just what _is_ this secret weapon?" asked a worried Yuna. "How deadly is it?"

"It's one of the most horrible monstrosities that ever came to be," whimpered Pence. "I've lost count of the times it's almost destroyed the town!"

"Such a thing should not exist," Hayner said, shaking his head solemnly.

"It is almost impossible to label by gender, and goes by only one name," Olette whispered, voice heavy with dread. "And that name is…"

"Quina! Honey!" Vivi yelled through the hatch, into the interior of the wrecked ship.

There was a moment of silence. And then…

"WHAT IS IT, DELECTABLE SUGAR PLUMPLING?" The others flinched upon hearing the powerful voice booming from the depths of the wreck; it sounded like a frog pumped up on steroids with the lungs of an opera singer but not the skill.

"Seifer says you can come out now," Vivi called back in reply to the bellowing voice.

"ARE THERE ANY YUMMY-YUMMIES?!"

Vivi glanced at the Islanders, Towners, and Gullwings. "Do you have anything to eat around here?"

Tidus blinked, confused by the question and wondering why Hayner, Pence, and Olette were frantically shaking their heads in the negative at him. "Uh…"

"We got fruit," Wakka suggested helpfully, oblivious to the Twilight Towners' looks of horror.

"Well, I was hoping for frogs, but I guess that'll work. Yes, they have food!" Vivi called to the mysterious voice.

"AT LAST! YUMMY-YUMMIES! I SO HUNGRY!" The entire ship started shaking ominously as some_thing_ shifted about and stormed through the wrecked vessel, smashing through everything in its path. The hull beside the open hatch groaned and suddenly exploded as something slammed into it from the other side, ripping through and tearing a gaping hole in the ship's side, pieces of metal and scrap flying everywhere as _it_ soared through the air and landed on the beach, shaking the ground and throwing up a cloud of sand. "FOOD! WHERE FOOD?!" the thing bellowed, its form tall, dark and amorphous in the dust cloud, seeming to dwarf them all with its presence and sheer mass.

"Bwahahaha! Now you're gonna get it!" Seifer laughed cruelly as the sand dissipated, revealing the figure of the beast. It was an immense, vaguely humanoid creature, dressed in a pink jacket over a long white apron with a blue and white bib hanging down its front. A pair of tiny feet ensconced in small black shoes with white bow laces peeked out from under the bottom of the skirt, and big gray three-fingered hands hung out from the ends of its thick pink sleeves. Its face was bizarrely clown-like, white with small beady eyes surrounded by red star-shaped paint markings with a ridiculously large mouth that had an unbelievably long tongue hanging out down its bib. On its head it wore a large frilly white bonnet with a pair of long dangling ties hanging over its shoulders and going down to where its knees were…if it had knees. Perhaps most frighteningly, it held a fork and a knife in its hands, which looked like they could be used both to horribly kill and butcher something as well as shove food down the monster's gullet.

"Holy…what the hell is that?!" cried Wakka.

"Seifer, what have you done?!" Hayner shouted.

Rikku squealed in fright and hid behind a horrified Yuna. "Yunie! Don't let it get me!"

"What…what _is_ that thing?!" cried a shocked Tidus.

"Hunger incarnate!" wailed Pence.

"That's a Qu!" said an amazed Yuna. "They're some of the most feared creatures in the galaxy! Eons ago, when there were more of them, they traveled the stars in search of good eating, occasionally descending on planets and consuming the entire populace if they tasted good enough! But then they tried devouring the planet of the Sodium Chloridians, and seventy-eight percent of their population choked on black pretzels or dehydrated from eating too much salt and died. Nowadays they're rarer and are usually employed as chefs or food critics due to their astonishingly good cooking and incredibly fine sense of taste. They're known as gourmands who can and often will eat everything and anyone in sight to satisfy their bottomless appetites, if they think that something or someone will taste good, anyway."

"One almost digested me a century or two ago," Rikku whimpered. "Yunie and Rikku had to force the thing to vomit me back up…it wasn't a pleasant experience."

"Whuh-oh," said an alarmed Wakka. "This can't be good."

"You can say that again. After everything that's happened today, I don't want to be eaten!" Tidus agreed.

"How exactly did you get a hold of a Qu? I'm surprised you were able to keep it on a ship without it eating you all out of hunger!" Yuna asked Seifer.

"Well-" Seifer started, only for Vivi to interrupt.

"Oh, it was easy, I asked her to come on board when Seifer said she could come in handy," the mage explained. "You see, she's my wife."

There was a long pause as they tried to process this. Finally, Wakka said, "Wait, _what?_"

"You…married…that thing?!" cried an incredulous Tidus.

Yuna blinked. "That's…peculiar, I've never heard of a Qu marrying someone of another species and not…well…eating them…"

"Oh, I'm not worried, Quina'd never eat me," Vivi said confidently.

The Qu, Quina, nodded. "That right! He too little, no make good eating. Maybe when he get bigger, put some meat on his bones!" It was impossible to tell if she…it…was joking or not. Vivi didn't look bothered, though.

Olette sighed. "Vivi, for the last time, Quina's not your wife. You're too young to be married!"

"Of course we're married," Vivi said, looking offended. "We had a ceremony and everything. Father Heavenguard performed it!"

"Vivi, Father Heavenguard is a drunken hobo wallowing in his own filth in a back alley near the Sandlott," Pence pointed out.

"An _ordained_ drunken hobo wallowing in his own filth in a back alley near the Sandlot," Vivi corrected.

"Yes, he unite Vivi and I in holy matrimony! Then we had cake. And since there was cake, it had to be a wedding!" Quina said plainly, as if that solved everything.

"…That cake was supposed to be for _me_," Hayner whined plaintively. "It was my birthday…"

"And it taste very yummy!" Quina said, licking her (?) lips. "And speaking of yummy…" She turned to Seifer, who yelped and stiffened as she bore down on him. "Seifer! Where food? You promised me many yummy-yummies if I stuffed myself in crate and came with you to other worlds!"

Seifer grinned evilly, regaining his composure. "That's right, I did! And it's right over there!" he said, pointing at the other group, who quickly steeled themselves and got ready for a fight.

Quina looked at them in confusion. "Huh? I see no food. What you talking about?"

"THERE! Right there! Those guys!" Seifer said, pointing at the heroes. "There's your food! Eat THEM!"

Quina shook her head. "What? No, I cannot eat them. They is people."

Seifer's jaw dropped. "What?!"

"She's not gonna eat us?!" cried an amazed and hopeful Rikku. "Thank goodness, I was afraid I was gonna have to see the inside of a Qu again! Something I never wanted to experience ever again…"

"Yes, but why?" wondered a puzzled Yuna. "I've never known a Qu to have problems with eating people if they were really hungry before, and there was nothing else to eat…"

"Maybe she's realized the value of life and understands that other intelligent creatures are to be respected for their own worth, and not eaten?" Olette suggested. The boys snickered at this sentimental garbage, while secretly hoping something like that was the case.

Quina, hearing this, shook her head. "No, I just vegetarian this month. Maybe I eat you next month, if I _reeeaaaally_ hungry, but not now."

They stared at her. "…Vegetarian? This _month?!_" Seifer screamed finally. "The hell does that mean?!"

"Master Quan tell me I need to branch out more in my diet. Eat things from other food groups aside from meat, candy, and sugary and/or salty things," Quina explained slowly and calmly, as if to a crazy person, or Selphie. "So I spend this month eating more green and healthy things, like fruits and veggies, since I need the vitamins. And frogs," she added. "I can always eat frogs." She turned back to the heroes. "You gots any frogs around here?!" she asked hopefully.

"Uh…no…" Tidus said slowly, feeling like this adventure had taken a wrong turn somewhere and was going straight to Crazyland. Or Selphie's brain. Not that there was really a difference.

Quina sagged in disappointment. "Awww…" Yuna decided not to tell her she knew a spell that could turn people into frogs.

"Oh, but, um, there are some nice fruits you can eat on the other side of the island," Rikku said helpfully, her courage returning to her now that she knew for certain Quina wouldn't eat her. "They're called, uh, poopus?"

"Paopu," Wakka corrected. "Get it right!"

Quina perked up at this. "Paopu?"

Yuna nodded. "Yes, they're star-shaped fruits hanging from some trees on the other side of the island. Very tasty."

"But if you're going to eat any with another person, make sure it's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with," Tidus added. "Then again, considering this appetite of yours I keep hearing about, that's probably not going to be a problem."

"It no problem," Quina agreed. "Thank you for telling me of food. I off to eat paopu! And the trees they grows on. Master Quan tell me trees are full of fiber, which is good for digestion." She charged off down the beach, shaking the ground with each of her heavy footfalls. They stared after her, amazed by how fast something that big could move.

"I hope she doesn't eat all the paopu and trees on the island," Wakka said finally. "I think it'd be bad for the environment or something."

"That was amazing," said a very impressed Hayner. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone get rid of Quina like that before!"

"Thanks," said Tidus. "But what we're going to do after she eats all the paopus…and trees and plants and foliage…on the island, I don't have a clue."

"And don't forget the Crusaders, ya!" Wakka pointed out. "They'll definitely think she's a hostile alien of some kind!"

"We'll think of something," Yuna said reassuringly.

"Vivi, why didn't you tell me Quina was vegetarian all of a sudden?!" Seifer yelled at Vivi.

Vivi shrugged innocently. "You never asked," he said. Seifer smacked his forehead and groaned.

"HUSBAND! COME EAT WITH ME! THERE ARE YUMMY-YUMMIES!" Quina bellowed from the other side of the island.

"Coming, honey," Vivi said, running after her as fast as his stubby little legs could take him. This left only Seifer, holding a clearly inadequate weapon, to face the heroes.

"Well…uh…" Seifer said anxiously, eyes flicking all over the place for a possible escape venue as he slowly backed towards the hatch behind him. "Don't think this is over! You've still got to defeat me! I'll-"

"Oh, shut up," an annoyed Wakka said, throwing his Blitzball at Seifer's head and knocking him out. "We lost interest in you three pages ago!"

"Pages?" asked a confused Pence.

"It's better not to ask," Olette said wisely.

"…Huh. That was rather anticlimactic," said a disappointed Tidus.

"Yeah, I was hoping we'd get to have a really big dramatic fight against Seifer!" Hayner complained. "Oh well." He grunted, walked over to Seifer's prone form, and started kicking him in the sides for the hell of it. Wakka, who had trotted over to retrieve his ball, joined in, because it looked like fun. Nobody tried to stop them.

"Ooh, wait, we can still watch the battle between Paine and Fuu!" Rikku suggested eagerly. "That's sure to be super-exciting!"

"Actually, Fuu and I formed a swift rapport in our battle and realized how much alike we were," Paine said calmly, walking over with a rather placid Fuu. "We're both albinos, tend to dress in dark clothing and occasionally write depressing poetry, think men are idiots, are surrounded by people who we usually feel are stupider than us, have a general loathing or mild distaste of most living creatures…we really have a lot in common. So, naturally, we saw no reason to keep fighting and decided to become friends."

"Best," Fuu corrected her.

Paine nodded. "Yes, best friends. We're going over to that dark corner over there to get out of the garish sunlight and have a semi-gothic girl chat, okay?" Without waiting for a reply, they both left.

"…What just happened?" asked a very confused Tidus.

"I think Fuu just made a new friend," Hayner said with a shudder. "Creepy."

"Well, that was lame," Rikku complained.

"I don't think so. Not every conflict has to be resolved with violence," Yuna commented, changing back to her usual attire. "I for one am quite pleased that this situation was dealt with without too many people getting hurt!" A scream of horrible excruciating agony sounded from underneath Selphie. "Well, except for Rai. Poor thing. Isn't there something we could do for him?"

"No," Olette said bluntly, and that was the end of the matter.

"So, now that that's done, what do we do now?" Pence asked.

"Well, first we need to clean up all this mess before the Crusaders get here and lock you all up for being invading aliens…" Tidus said.

"As well as craft disguises for Vivi and Quina so they won't be arrested and dissected, or at the very least find a good hiding place for them," Yuna added.

"And then we can go to the mainland and show you guys around! And after that, we can go back to Sora's mom's house and have cookies!" Wakka said enthusiastically.

"Woohoo! Cookies!" Rikku cheered.

"That sounds good. We haven't really eaten much, since most of our food rations on the ship went missing mysteriously…and now that we know Quina was onboard, we can see why," commented Pence.

"Mmm, I could really go for some cookies," Hayner commented. "How about you, Olette?"

"Yes, I wouldn't mind some either," Olette said. "However, I believe Tidus and Yuna are right. We should get rid of the ship first. Do you have anything in mind?"

"Well," said Yuna. "We were able to hide our ship in a cave, but I'm not sure whether yours will fit in it as well. We could hide it using a cloaking device and a few invisibility spells for the short term, but I don't think it'll work forever."

"We could dump it in the ocean, as long as there's nothing toxic in there that could pollute the environment," Wakka suggested. "There are tons of sunken ships surrounding our little archipelago, made from vessels that got destroyed by storms or crashed into rocks and coral reefs from the days before we got a working lighthouse system up. One more wreck shouldn't go missed, as long as we dump it deep enough."

"Are you sure that's environmentally friendly?" asked a concerned Pence. "I don't feel comfortable with just throwing our ship away in a place where it could damage the ecosystem. It doesn't help that the thing is made from _actual_ garbage, rather than just metal and wood."

"Don't worry," Tidus reassured Pence. "The wildlife have actually taken pretty well to all the wrecks. Over time it's been claimed by sea life and turned into an artificial reef. We throw your ship in, it'll probably become home to a bazillion barnacles, several families of fish, an octopus, some sea anemones, and maybe an eel or two by next month. They'd love it, its prime real estate."

"Really? Fascinating…" said an entranced Pence.

"Uh, that sounds great and all, but how exactly are we supposed to get this piece of junk out to sea without anyone noticing?" Olette asked, patting the ship's hull. A loud crash from inside told them that some part of the vessel's interior had just collapsed. "Not to mention there's the small problem of how we're going to get home without a ship…"

"We'll think of something," Hayner said unworriedly.

"And in any event, there's nothing we can salvage from that which could help us build a new ship," Pence informed her. "Anything worthwhile was totally destroyed in the crash. Now it's an even larger pile of useless junk than it was before we put it together. There's no reason not to dispose of it, especially if it will draw attention to us."

"Do you suppose we should dump your wrecked ship in the sea, too, while we're at it?" Wakka asked the fairies. "Might not be a bad idea, we probably shouldn't be keeping that thing lying around. Only a matter of time before someone else finds it, ya?"

That turned out to be the wrong thing to say. "THROW IT AWAY?! After eating, sleeping, singing, dancing, fucking, flying, treasure hunting, and living inside that thing for nearly a thousand years on and off, you want us to just THROW AWAY the Celsius?!" Rikku shrieked angrily into a terrified Wakka's face.

"Ah, Rikku…" Yuna said quickly, touching her cousin's shoulder. "Perhaps we should talk about this later. We were going to have cookies, remember?"

This cheered up the blonde immensely. "Ooh, cookies!"

"Let's go find Paine and deal with Vivi and Quina's disguises. We can figure out what to do with the Celsius later," Yuna said soothingly, leading her cousin away…and leaving the humans behind to absorb the shocking implications of Rikku's statement.

"NEARLY A THOUSAND YEARS?!" a shocked Pence and Hayner yelled. Tidus fidgeted unhappily. He had already known the Gullwings were much older than him and would live a long time after he was gone, but he had hoped they might not be _that_ old. A few centuries he thought he could handle, but for them to be over a millennia old already?! That was certainly a large age gap he and Yuna were going to have to bridge in the near future if their relationship was going to last long, paopu or no paopu…

"When Rikku said 'fucking', did she mean she slept with the other Gullwings, or different people?" Wakka wondered, totally missing the point.

"They're over a thousand years old? Huh, and none of them look a day over two hundred," Olette commented. "I guess fairies age pretty well. Wonder if I'll look that good if I ever manage to live that long…"

"How can anyone be that old and still be…you know, that hot?!" Hayner wondered incredulously. Tidus flushed at that comment, feeling a moment of anger towards the other boy at being attracted to Yuna, even though privately he couldn't blame him.

"And what biological mechanism could possibly allow something to live for so long and have such an extended…ah, youth?" marveled Pence. "Hmm, this bears looking into…"

"Eh, it's just magic, nobody understands how it works," Wakka said with a shrug. "Of course, it's a problem for Tidus and Yuna, since they're gonna be married someday and he's…well, probably going to be a withered old man seventy years from now while she'll look pretty much the same."

"WAKKA!" Tidus yelled at the same time the other three asked, "You're getting married?!"

"No! Yes! Um…it's kind of complicated…" Tidus said, rather embarrassed.

"More complicated than my love triangle with Lulu and my brother," Wakka commented. He thought about that for a moment. "Which, come to think of it, has sorta been resolved already…huh. Didn't realize that until just now."

"Sounds like something you'd see on a sitcom…or reality TV," said Hayner. "Looks like you're in for some rough times, dude."

"Well, maybe not," Olette interjected. "Weren't there a couple of TV shows about guys who, like Tidus, found themselves married and/or in a relationship with a long-lived magical creature?"

"Oh yeah, I remember those…there was one with a genie and another with a witch, right?" Pence recalled. "On old black-and-white TV and early Technicolor?"

"A guy married to a magical creature? What happened to him? Did their marriage, you know, work out?" Tidus asked anxiously, desperate enough to look to hokey old television shows for tips on how to deal with his love life.

The three Twilight Towners thought for a moment. "Well, I think most episodes revolved around the witch or genie trying to use magic to help her husband, which the husband thoroughly disapproved of since it always got them into comical hijinx," Pence said. "The majority of the other ones revolved around the evil stepmother, who thoroughly disapproved of the marriage, causing problems."

"Very anti-feminist and stereotypical," Olette grumbled.

"Does Yuna have a mother?" Hayner asked Tidus.

Tidus drew a blank. "Um…that's a good question…do you think she'd be angry with her daughter dating a mortal?"

"Well, if reality is anything like television, then yes," Pence said.

"Wonderful," Tidus groaned.

"So, what happened with these couples on television?" Wakka asked. "How'd the shows end? Did they work out all their problems and stick together, or get fed up with each other and wind up in divorce court, like lots of couples in real life do? Well, unless one of them killed the other, which would lead to a criminal court, I suppose."

"That's…a good question," Pence said with a sigh. "Both those shows eventually were cancelled and died in sitcom limbo before there was any real series finale."

"Well, dying in sitcom limbo's probably better than going through a divorce," Hayner said as he saw Tidus' hopes sink. His expression darkened. "Trust me, I know from experience."

"You should probably talk this over with Yuna," Olette suggested, noticing Tidus' worried grimace. "It's something that will affect the future of your relationship, after all." She smiled then. "And besides, I don't see why this thing you have with her couldn't work out. There are all sorts of stories about lasting marriages in situations like yours."

"Uh, Olette, aren't most of those stories fairy tales?" Pence pointed out, not wanting to dampen Tidus' hopes but also not wanting him to get the wrong idea.

"And Yuna's a fairy," Olette reminded him. "What's your point?"

"But…oh. OH! I see. Yes, that makes sense," Pence agreed, nodding thoughtfully. "If fairies are real, then why mightn't fairy tales? I can see the logic in that."

"Huh, guess this means maybe Paine and I can get married too," Wakka said conversationally.

As the Twilight Towners exclaimed in surprise (again) at this, Tidus rolled his eyes and said, "Didn't she try to kill you earlier?"

"Lulu feels a compulsion to try and kill me at least once every other date we have, so it's nothing new," Wakka pointed out, and Tidus had to admit that this was true. However…

"Weren't you going to share the paopu with Lulu?" Tidus pointed out.

Wakka shrugged. "Yeah, but that really isn't an option anymore. Chappu can take her instead. She'll probably be happier with him anyway. No biggie."

Tidus shook his head in wonder. "You three's relationship is so weird."

"Not nearly as weird as Sora, Riku, and Kairi's, what with the voices in their heads," Wakka pointed out, and Tidus had to admit this was true as well.

"Wait, Sora and Kairi are in a relationship with that blond fairy?" asked a very confused Hayner, who had lost the thread of the conversation about when Wakka mentioned he would marry Paine.

"No, another Riku. A guy. With silver hair," Tidus explained.

"Ah," said Hayner, no closer to understanding than he had been a minute ago.

Pence shook his head. "This world is a very strange place…"

"Says the kids who rode here in a spaceship built out of junk for a school science project with their worst rivals, who had delusions of conquering our world, along with a midget sorcerer and his wife the walking garbage disposal?" Wakka pointed out.

Pence grunted. "Touche."

"I'm not even sure Quina's a girl, actually," Olette commented. "But I don't think she's a boy, either…gender seems to work differently among the Qu than with most people. One of our teachers has theorized that they might be androgynous, or even have the ability to change sexes at will."

"That's…wonderful," said Tidus, who didn't really care, and was glad at least his girlfriend was female, even if there was a possibility of her outliving him by several hundred, if not thousand, years. From the look on Wakka's face, his friend felt the same way.

It was at that point that they suddenly heard several shouts of alarm in the near distance, a terrible roar, and what sounded like several explosions. "Tidus! Wakka! Hayner! Pence! Olette!" Yuna's voice cried out from the other side of the island. "Get over here, we need your help!'

"Quina's gotten drunk on paopu juice and is going on a feeding frenzy! She's devouring everything in sight, even sand, even _rocks_!" added an incredulous Paine.

"DON'T LET IT EAT MEEEEEE!" shrieked Rikku.

"She's totally out of control, not even Vivi can stop her! We need your help to subdue her before she eats the entire island!" Yuna continued. "Get over here as fast as you can!"

Wakka sighed and shook his head. "Oy…this day just never seems to end, ya?"

"At least it's not a giant robot toilet…or Yiazmat," Tidus pointed out, drawing his sword. "Let's go!"

"Hey, don't forget about us!" Hayner said, pulling out his Struggle Bat. "We have more experience with Quina than you guys, you'll definitely need our help!"

"Even though we've never actually snapped her out of a feeding frenzy, we can probably provide you on some pointers to keep from getting eaten," Pence commented.

"And I'll come too, since I'd rather watch Quina gorge herself then witness Selphie keep doing XXX-rated things to Rai," said Olette.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME, YA KNOW!?" Rai screamed. Nobody did.

"GUYS, COME ON ALREADY, WE NEED A HAND!" Paine shouted from the other side of the island. "Can't believe I'm actually saying that…"

"FOOOOOOD, GLORIOUS FOOOOOD!!!!" bellowed what could only be Quina.

"Honey, don't eat that, you'll get the runs!" Vivi protested futilely. "And nobody, absolutely NOBODY, wants that…"

"Disgusting," agreed Fuu.

"Sounds like they really need us over there, if _Paine's_ begging us for help," Tidus commented. "Let's go!"

"You already said that," Wakka pointed out.

Tidus sighed in exasperation. "Whatever." The five of them ran off, leaving the wreck behind. The broken ship lay on the beach, creaking as the wind blew on it and causing more of its interior to collapse. Selphie continued doing horrible, unspeakable things to Rai. A seagull flew overhead and pooped in the unconscious Seifer's gaping mouth.

Back on the main island, the Crusaders were drilling, chilling, mourning, or out searching for LeBlanc and her crew. Jecht was, reluctantly, filling out paperwork. At the Hikari lighthouse, Darlene was baking cookies while making small talk with Auron.

Far above everyone, the Heartless and Nobody fleet dispatched by Maleficent waited silently, still acting on their last orders, which had been to remain in cloaked orbit around the world and destroy any ship that came in range, whether it was coming towards or leaving from the planet. They were too far away from Dark City and the World that Never Was to have sensed their mistress getting kidnapped by Oberon, and so were still unaware of the power vacuum in the upper echelons of the Forces of Darkness.

If Maleficent were not returned to power shortly, they would eventually notice there was nobody actually in command, and inevitably return to their Heartless and Nobody roots and massacre each other before turning their attention to the seemingly helpless planet below and lay waste to the whole world, overcoming even the Crusaders in their desire to consume the world's delectable pure heart.

Assuming, of course, that the galaxy hadn't already exploded by that point due to the critical reaction building up inside Oberon if Sora, Goofy, Pete, and Satan couldn't stop it in time.

It was just another day in the Destiny Islands, and the rest of the world. Let us all pray it remains that way.

…

The battle against the King Dragon was not going well. Nobody was very surprised when they discovered that he had an invincible force field much like King Leo's, and naturally, it was actually STRONGER than the cowardly lion's. This led to a great deal of cursing from most of the people involved, even Tifa, abandoning her hastily taken position of female role model due to her frustration at how the stupid motherfucking cat/lizard thing wouldn't just _die _already. Gosalyn had cursed a lot too, much to Darkwing's consternation, but there wasn't really a lot he could do about it at the moment, since he felt pretty much the same way. Especially since he was one of the first combatants to be knocked out of the fight; seeing as how he didn't have any armor or weaponry like the others, it was pretty much inevitable.

The actual first fighter to be knocked out, naturally, was the Combo/Piece of Crap Megazord. It only took a single hit from one of King Dragon's energy pearl shots to blast it to smithereens and send the Radiant Rangers flying, save for Stitch and Yuffie, who were still safe in their Zords, which seemed much more capable of taking a beating than the PoC Megazord had. When the other Rangers politely asked Cid why this was, he said that he usually put more quality into something that he made when he wasn't drunk, or when he was being blackmailed into doing it. Naturally, this resulted in all the Rangers (even Tifa) threatening to do horrible, unspeakable things to him if he didn't make much better, cooler, and durable Zords the next time around. Cid complied quite eagerly, not wanting to be decapitated by Leon, get all his bones broken by Tifa, or have his soul tortured and mutilated by Aerith.

Mechanicles Jr. MK IX was taken out of the fight soon after Darkwing. Since it was the smallest fighter and only had one leg, it had only been a matter of time before it was beaten. Mechanicles sobbed for a while over the twisted remains of his 'son', then summoned his other robots and had them, Aladdin, and the confused Royal guards cart off the smoking pieces of scrap so he could immediately begin working on Mechanicles Jr. MK X. When they protested, he threatened to have his robot fleas torment them, so they quickly complied.

This left only the Zurgrex, the Ninja Star Megazord and Gamabunta, the Magna Stitch Majiin, Imperialdramon Paladin Mode, and Moogletron to fight the monster. (Darkwing was sitting on the sidelines recovering from a nasty pearl shot to the chest, and while he claimed repeatedly he was just taking a breather and would be back up swinging in just a minute, all his passengers could clearly see he wasn't getting back in the fight anytime soon.) The stronger armor and agility of these robots made it easier for them to withstand and dodge King Dragon's attacks, but none of their own could penetrate the fusion monster's shield. Tron had scanned it to see if the same trick they used to destroy the last one would work, only to find out that none of the mechas present possessed the energy and sheer firepower necessary to break through that force field (Stitch was most displeased and disappointed when he heard this). It seemed as if nothing short of actually blowing up the planet could bring down the monster's force field, and that was something none of them (well, except Stitch, Yuffie, and maybe Zurg) really wanted to resort to, or even had the power for. Much to their dismay, it truly seemed as if there was nothing they could do…

Merlin, Goliath, and Shere Khan, who were watching all this unhappily from the ruined chapel atop Maleficent's floating castle, felt much the same way. "Curse it all!" snarled the revived Gargoyle, digging his claws into the windowsill of the stained glass window Oberon had smashed through earlier, and Merlin had later destroyed again, as he witnessed the scene below. "They're firing their most powerful weapons at that monstrosity…and they aren't even leaving a scratch! Is there nothing we can do?!"

"The assembled fleets and Gummi ships circling the planet have finished their repairs and are moving back into position over Dark City," said Shere Khan, his calm face not betraying the slight and discomfiting anxiety he was feeling at the prospect of Tifa being down there in the city ruins, with no giant robot and only her incompetent friends to keep her company. "And the last report from the technicians was positive; we should have this castle up and running again shortly. Perhaps the weaponry of this formidable flying fortress, in combination with an orbital bombardment from our ships, will fell the abomination?"

Merlin shook his head sadly, the tip of his pointed hat drooping. "I am afraid not. It will strain the beast's shield, surely, but it will not be enough to defeat King Dragon. Close, but still not enough."

"What if you used your sorcery to give them a boost?" Shere Khan pressed. "Perhaps that would do the trick?"

Merlin shook his head. "No, I cannot. There is nothing more I can do."

Goliath bristled at that and whirled around, glaring at the wizard. "Nothing more you can do?!" He advanced on Merlin angrily, his hulking armored purple figure looming over the old man. "You were able to bind Oberon's Unseelie and allow us to destroy them, break the spell keeping my warriors and I prematurely petrified, give Sora and his party charms and enchantments to protect them from Oberon's Ix power—and let them to take my OWN weapon, while you were at it--then dispatched them to fight the tyrant themselves. You did all that, and you're telling me there's nothing you can do about that dragon?!"

Merlin shook his head soberly. "My magic is strong enough to penetrate that shield, Goliath, but I may not use it to do so."

"Just like you couldn't use it to help us fend off the Heartless when they nearly destroyed our world?" Goliath questioned darkly.

There was a pause. Merlin frowned, and said, "I have already explained to you why I could not help. I was busy helping the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee restore their world."

Goliath snarled threateningly, his muscles tensing. "And you really expect me to believe that you felt their need was greater, simply because they were seriously dysfunctional and had a daunting task ahead of them, rather than helping King Arthur, the man you have been tasked for centuries to assist, fulfill his destiny and save his future kingdom?!" He gnashed his teeth furiously. "My clan was almost wiped out! Do you have any idea how many friends I lost in the war against the Heartless?! People I had met all around the world, cousin-Gargoyles from other clans, Dingo, Reynard, Macbeth…Demona…Derek Maza…Hudson…" He broke off, the last one visibly painful to him. "I thought for a while I had lost Brooklyn too, but it turned out he had just fallen into a time warp and had several adventures in the past…including getting a family of his own." He closed his eyes for a moment. "Elisa, one of my dearest friends, was almost killed alongside her brother. And Angela, my daughter, is in a coma. I have no way of knowing if she will ever wake up." His eyes shot open, and he glared at Merlin again. "And for all I know, most of those people could have been saved if you had been there to help us fight."

There was silence for a moment, as Goliath stared Merlin down, the tension between them a nearly palpable presence in the air. Shere Khan raised an eyebrow in interest, wondering how this would turn out.

Finally, Merlin sighed and broke eye contact with Goliath, taking off his glasses and wiping them on a cloth he had removed from one of his sleeves. "Goliath, answer me this. Which is more important: to save a world that is on the brink of destruction…or to rebuild one which has already been destroyed?"

Goliath blinked. He had not expected a question like that. "I…am not certain…"

Merlin sighed and put his glasses back on. "When you figure it out, let me know, I'm dying to know myself." He looked very tired at that moment, every one of his many centuries showing themselves on his face. "Goliath, you are familiar with a chessboard, aren't you?" When the gargoyle nodded, the wizard pressed on. "The majority of the people in our universe are like the pieces of a chess set. Aligned with one of many different factions, some of which blend together subtly to form a singular whole, and others which seek to oppress, oppose, or destroy the other factions. You could say that the peoples of the many different worlds who seek to live in peace or battle against evil are the 'Light' side, represented by white pieces, while those who choose to destroy, murder, enslave, and do evil in general are the 'Dark' side, represented by black pieces. Of course, there are more sides in truth than this, and I'm oversimplifying it a bit (many pieces that could be seen as black could be considered 'good', and many white pieces could be seen as 'evil', for example), but I believe you understand my analogy."

Goliath frowned at him. "If you're suggesting that everything that lives is just a pawn being moved and shaped by forces greater and more powerful than we can possibly imagine, I don't like where this is going."

"We are all pawns of fate," Merlin said sadly. "To be fair, though, each of us has a surprising amount of say in certain aspects of our destinies…while other things are totally beyond our control. It is much like how a bishop piece, when there's enough room, can move anywhere on the board in a diagonal line…as long as it stays on pieces of a specific color. You could say it has the freedom to choose which direction to go in, but the way it moves is limited by the rules governing its being. It is the same with people, to some extent they can choose their actions, but only as long as those choices and actions are within the limited range of motion allotted them. Much like they cannot control or change the rules governing the way in which they move, there are certain actions and events defined for them and their futures that are absolute, and there is no way of changing them. These things are set in stone, and we cannot stop them from coming, all we can do is survive, if we can. The fall of Camelot was fated from the start, and I knew that no matter how much magic I used, I could not prevent the fall. The invasion of your world was also, I am afraid, inevitable."

Goliath's eyes flashed with rage. "Then what you're saying is that because you saw the Heartless invasion as inevitable, you saw no reason to intervene, because you didn't think it could be prevented?!"

Merlin shook his head. "No, I could not stop it for two reasons. One is that it was part of Arthur's destiny."

Goliath blinked in confusion. "What?!"

"Arthur has always been destined to become a great king and unite his world. That is his fate. That is the motion allotted to him. However, the best way to unite a divided people is to have them face a common enemy. The Heartless presented that enemy," Merlin explained. "So that Arthur could fulfill his destiny, you could say that Fate intentionally sent the Heartless to your world to see if he was truly worthy of that destiny…or if he would fail it."

"…If he had failed, then our world would have been destroyed," Goliath said, stunned.

"But it would have come back eventually, after the Keybearer Sora performed his duty," Merlin pointed out. "However…you are correct, irreparable damage would have been done regardless. But your world would still have survived. Arthur would have failed to meet his destiny, and many would have died, but your world would still have survived."

Goliath grimaced. "…I see. So Fate would have destroyed an entire world…just to see if one man was truly worthy to become King? Where does that leave the rest of us? What of our lives, and our hopes and desires and dreams?"

Merlin sighed. "Fate is implacable, and cannot be reasoned with. It is not alive, has no will of its own; it is simply a force of nature, like a hurricane or an earthquake, easy to predict but nigh-impossible to do anything about other than ride out the storm. There are those who can change their fate to some extent, become whatever they wish, but…as I said, some things are inevitable."

"…Then are you telling me that what happened to my friends could not be prevented?! That their deaths, their suffering, my daughter's coma…was all of that destined and inevitable too?!" Goliath snapped, his face twisting in anger.

Merlin sighed and closed his eyes. "That…I cannot say for certain."

That was not the answer Goliath wanted to hear. With a roar of frustration and pent-up anger that shook the chapel, Goliath whirled around and punched the nearby wall hard enough to crack and dent it, splitting his knuckles in the process. Shere Khan raised an eyebrow, mildly impressed. Merlin said nothing, just waited as Goliath slowly drew back his hand and turned to face him once more, leaving a smear of blood on the wall. The gargoyle did not seem to notice the injury done to his fist, it was a minor wound to a warrior like himself, and it would be fully healed the next time he entered his stone sleep anyway. He glared at Merlin. "This still does not explain your part in this, wizard. Even if the invasion was inevitable, your fate is intertwined with Arthur's, isn't it? If you knew this would be his defining moment, why weren't you there to help him? To help _us?_"

"_Precisely_ because it was his defining moment, and his destiny," Merlin insisted. "If I had been there to help him, to shore him up, to do everything I could to protect him, he would not have passed his greatest trial, and not proven himself to be the One True King. And…" He sighed bitterly. "Therein lies the second reason I did not, could not, come to assist you. You see, I dearly wanted nothing more than to fly to his side, even knowing his destiny, even knowing that by helping him I might be circumventing it utterly."

"Then why didn't you come?!" Goliath demanded.

"I said that most people are like pieces on a chessboard," Merlin repeated. "Moved about by forces they usually don't notice, believing that most of their actions are of their own volition. Some of that is true, but not all. However, not everyone is a chess piece. There are those, such as myself, who are like…spectators, watching two great chess masters play against each other from the sidelines. As a spectator, I am capable of seeing all the game pieces in action, and perceive many of the possible moves and plays they have available to them. However, since I am not myself on the board, am not myself playing but just watching, my ability to actually _affect_ what happens on the board is severely limited." He shrugged. "Of course, my analogy is a little flawed, since I am moved by fate as well and can affect the people around me, so I suppose you could say that I am both an observer and a piece. But you get the gist of it, I imagine."

Goliath's eyes widened. "Then what you're saying is…"

"I have the power to see the destinies of others as well as their possible futures, even my own…but I do not have the power to change them," Merlin said sadly. "The only parts I can change are where my destiny intertwines with theirs. My destiny was tied to Arthur's for a long time, so I was able to teach him and show him how to be a great leader. But then my fate led away from him, and I had no choice but to follow, even though I knew it would mean I would be imprisoned for centuries by Nimue and be unable to help my King in his greatest hour of need. So…the reason I could not come to help him during the war against the Heartless was because my destiny led away from him, to King Mickey, the Keybearer Sora, and the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committee. I knew of all the horrible things happening on your world, of all the losses and deaths, but could do absolutely nothing about it. It is the curse I bear, the price I must pay for my magic." He shook his head despondently. "It is only now that my destiny is joined with Arthur's again…too late to end the war that nearly destroyed your world, but perhaps still in time to do something good for Arthur's new kingdom and the people in it."

"…And you expect me to forgive you for your inaction, because of this excuse?" Goliath asked after a moment, his expression unreadable.

"No, Goliath. I am not asking for your forgiveness, only your understanding," Merlin said, putting a hand on the gargoyle's shoulder. "I am deeply, truly sorry that I could not help you and your friends. I am sorrier than you could ever imagine. However, I promise you that I will do everything in my power to help them, to help your daughter, now that I have the opportunity to do so. Will you accept this promise, an apology from a tired old man?"

Goliath looked down at the shorter mage for a moment, deep in thought. At last, with a heavy sigh, he said, "When you put it that way…how can I possibly refuse?" He frowned. "There is only one thing I do not understand, though…why did you not tell all this to Arthur? Why the excuse about how the Restoration Committee, as hopeless as they may be, needed your help more than he did?"

Merlin looked more abashed than ashamed at that question. "I'm a very old man, Goliath. I have few dignities left to me. Can you blame me for a little vanity in not wanting my favorite pupil to think ill of his teacher for not being as all-powerful as he's supposed to be?" Goliath smirked faintly at that, but said nothing.

"Hmm…so, what you're saying is that you can't defeat the monster out there because you're not 'destined' to?" Shere Khan asked skeptically, speaking up for the first time in the last several minutes.

Merlin looked embarrassed again. "Actually, no, I'm quite capable of defeating that monster…or I _would_ be, if I weren't bound by my contract with Oberon. I had some leeway thanks to a loophole which I was able to use to fight those Unseelie earlier and provide Sora's party with the information and tools they needed to battle Oberon and release the imprisoned magic and captives inside him, but I've used all of that up now. If I do any more to assist those who fight this battle, it will be considered a breach of contract, one with very severe penalties."

"How severe?" asked Shere Khan, who was quite familiar with contracts and penalties similar to this in the business world, even if most of them had no magical properties.

"Since I made the original deal with Oberon to save Arthur's life," Merlin explained. "Breaking that deal would…well, cause Arthur to die. Rather painfully, I believe."

"Ah," said the tiger.

Goliath shook his head. "We cannot risk that. Then I suppose there truly is nothing we can do…"

"Not necessarily," Shere Khan interrupted. "Merlin, like you I often find myself constrained by the various laws and regulations attached to my profession, making what would ordinarily be a simple task much more complex and convoluted. However…" He grinned fiercely, showing his fangs. "Any good businessman worth his salt has a number of people of various…talents…on their payroll or Rolodex. People who can, shall we say…do what their employer cannot, accomplish his goals, get him what he wants, and if they should fail…they cannot possibly be traced back to whoever hired them in the first place. Surely, if you have truly lived as long as they say you have, and encountered as many fantastic creatures and beings as you are reputed to, then you must know at least _one_ person you might be able to call upon that might be of use to us…someone you could call that, through another loophole in your contract, might be able to do what you cannot and help defeat that monstrosity?"

Merlin blinked in surprise. His eyes widened in amazement. "I…yes! Yes, of course! That's brilliant! I can't believe I didn't think of this before!" He quickly pulled out his handbag and started rummaging through it. "Shere Khan, I do believe you have puzzled out the solution to our dilemma! I know _just_ the being we can call upon to assist us! Now, where did I put that…aha!" Triumphantly, he pulled out a small charm that looked like a metal tag vaguely resembling the face of a humanoid robot with a white circle on the back that had the number '53' faintly written on it in red and blue. "Here it is! The answer to all our prayers!"

"What is that?" asked a perplexed Goliath.

"I do believe that is a summoning charm," deduced Shere Khan. "A magical item used to call a being of great power from another realm for assistance in battle, am I correct?"

Merlin nodded eagerly. "Most definitely. The being this charm will summon is just the kind of person we could use right about now!"

"Who is it?" asked an interested Goliath.

"There are many worlds in our universe," Merlin started. "Fantastic worlds, each more strange and different than the last, encompassing and _surpassing_ the fullest breadth of the human imagination. One of these magnificent worlds is a place called Cybertron, a planet made totally out of metal and populated completely by mechanical beings, giant robots, even the smallest of their number bigger than most mortal men. They are known as Transformers."

"A planet of giant robots…" murmured a fascinated Shere Khan, stroking his chin as Goliath glanced at the window at the giant robots already assembled against King Dragon. "Intriguing."

"Why are they called 'Transformers?'" asked Goliath, turning back to face Merlin.

Merlin smiled at this. "Because each of them has the power to switch forms between a more humanoid, robotic body, and a smaller vehicle, such as a car or a plane or even a spaceship."

"Incredible," murmured Goliath.

"Not that incredible, I think its standard for most giant robots to have at least one alternate form," Shere Khan corrected the Gargoyle.

Merlin went on. "The Transformers lived in peace for eons, until one day a renegade faction formed among their people, the sinister Decepticons, led by the pure evil Megatron. The heroic Autobots and their legendary leader battled these renegades for millions of years, only coming to an end in more recent times when the Heartless attacked, sweeping over Cybertron and destroying it like so many others." He shook his head sadly at this, and Goliath grimaced in sympathy for the loss of yet another planet. His world had only barely escaped the same fate. "Cybertron was restored along with most of the other worlds the Heartless destroyed thanks to the Keybearer Sora's actions, but many of its inhabitants were scattered across the cosmos by the world's destruction, and have yet to find their way home. One of them," he said, gesturing with the charm in his hand, "Crash-landed in Radiant Garden some months ago, heavily damaged and close to death. Cid tried to repair him, but the alien technology making up his body was so advanced he had no idea where to begin, though he was able to reverse-engineer some of it later for use in his Zord fleet. I was able to save the Transformer by transform him into a summon, sending him to the land of summons so that he might heal there and come to my aid should I ever need him. When I manage to locate Cybertron among the many stars in the heavens, I will return him to his home, but until then he should be of great help to us in resolving our current crisis. He is one of Cybertron's greatest warriors, the hero of the Autobots and chosen recipient of the sacred Matrix of Leadership. Few foes have matched him in combat and survived!" Merlin looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, now that I think about it, he's quite a lot like you, Goliath."

Goliath was taken aback by this. "Do you really think so?"

Merlin nodded fervently. "Yes, you are not that dissimilar, personality and value-wise, I believe."

As Goliath marveled at this, Shere Khan grunted. "Enough of this sales pitch, wizard. Let us meet this legendary hero."

Merlin nodded. "Very well." He raised the summon charm into the air. "Come forth, mighty Autobot! We beseech you for assistance!" The charm shook, waves of red and blue energy crackling around it. An energy beam shot into the air and burst, transforming into several spiraling plumes of magical mist which swirled and coiled around each other before coalescing into a portal, one from which the sound of an engine roaring could be heard. Twin beams from a pair of headlights cut through the fog of the summon portal as the engine noise got louder, until a large vehicular form exploded through the opening of the magical gateway, trailing streamers of mist, energy, and sparkles of light before it. It hit the floor, skidded, swerved, and spun about, leaving unsightly tread marks in its path before screeching neatly to a stop before the trio. Its lights flashed, and the horn went, "Beep, beep!"

Shere Khan and Goliath stared. Merlin beamed. "Is he not stupendous to behold?"

"…I thought he would be bigger," Khan confessed.

"I thought he would be a _truck_," Goliath said incredulously.

The 'mighty warrior' was a car. And not a very large one, at that. It was a small white Volkswagen Beetle with red, white, and blue racing stripes going from the front to back bumpers and had a racing-style '53' painted on his front hood, doors, and engine lid. There was no driver, but since the car was supposedly a robot warrior, that wasn't surprising. The headlights switched on and focused on Goliath, causing him to flinch as the car beeped angrily and started revving up its engine again.

"Now, now, don't let that sort of talk bother you, my friend," Merlin said, patting the car's hood affectionately. Its angry roar turned into a gentler purr.

"And…this is the great warrior who will save us all?" Goliath asked, somewhat doubtfully, shielding his eyes from the headlights, which were still trained on him. "I mean no offense to your friend, Merlin, but…he doesn't look like much."

Merlin grinned. "He's not supposed to. That's part of what he is. His species of robot are skilled at concealing great power underneath an unremarkable exterior. Herbie, show them what you can do! Reveal your true power!"

"'Herbie?'" muttered Khan. "Wasn't that the name of a living car in some old movies?"

The car honked at him loudly, and then abruptly switched its radio on. "_Autobots, roll out!"_ a deep and noble voice bellowed from within the car. The car whirred and, right before their amazed eyes, leaped into the air and began transforming, while the radio began playing a slightly dated (but oddly catchy) tune.

"_Transformers…"_ Herbie's front and back half split apart from each other slightly and swiveled, the back half of the car flipping over so its roof faced the ground before splitting again on the vertical axis and unfolding outward, creating a pair of legs with the rear wheels and bumpers making up the knees while the bulging roof of each car part formed the feet. "_Robots in disguise!" _

The front of the car flipped down so that the Beetle's hood and headlights formed a kind of torso, while the car's driver and passenger seats remained mounted on its back, underneath the roof and windshield. The front wheels flipped outwards, a pair of strong yet delicate metal limbs unfolding from inside the wheel sockets to create arms, with the wheels and hubcaps as shoulder armor. "_Transformers…"_ A section of the car's front hood split apart and rose upwards, a hidden panel moving aside to reveal a head that had been concealed inside the vehicle's engine block. The part of the hood that had '53' painted on it formed a helmet, with the number emblazoned proudly on the new robot's forehead. The helmet plate and a pair of pointed ear antennae framed a metallic face, the lower half of which was concealed underneath a featureless faceplate. A pair of wise and benevolent blue eyes stared out at the world from above that plate, an uncanny and unbelievable energy crackling in their depths. "_More than meets the eye!"_

The robot landed on the floor with great force, shaking the chapel. It rose up to its full height, at least two and a half times taller than Goliath, and stood dramatically as it looked down on the three smaller, fleshier things before it while the tune playing on its radio reached its climax.

"Gentlemen," Merlin said gleefully. "Allow me to introduce the leader of the Autobots and inheritor of the legacy of Primus, Optimus, and Rodimus…Herbimus Prime!" The giant robot car waved to them.

"Impressive," commented Shere Khan. There wasn't really much else to say.

Goliath bowed his head in apology. "I am most sorry for my earlier comments. Please forgive me, I meant no offense, you were simply…not what I expected." He shook his head ruefully. "Then again, I wasn't really expecting this, either." Herbimus shrugged and waved it off, as if to say, 'No problem'.

"Can't he speak?" Khan asked Merlin, noticing the white robot's silence.  
Merlin shook his head sadly. "No, his intricate vocal circuitry was too damaged by the crash for even the realm of summons to repair adequately. Cid has tried, but even he is not a good enough engineer to fix it, not until he gains a better understanding of Cybertronian technology, anyway. He can speak to a limited extent using his radio to play a variety of sound bites, but sees it as a rather crude and denigrating method of communication, so rarely uses it except to play scene-appropriate music." He turned to face Herbimus, who immediately stood to attention, awaiting orders. "Herbimus, we are in most dire need of your assistance. A terrible monster, a fusion of a dragon and a lion created by chaotic and twisted magic, threatens to destroy this world. And while some might argue it wouldn't really be that much of a loss, thousands of lives would be cut short through no fault of their own if this world were to be destroyed while all of us are still on or near it. Many are already fighting the beast, but they cannot prevail, not on their own. My hands are tied by the laws of magic, so I must beseech you: will you help us in our hour of need? Will you aid our failing champions in defeating this monster?"

Instead of answering, Herbimus glanced out the nearby window. His blue eyes narrowed when he saw King Dragon fighting the heroic robots (and Zurg), and winning. He took a few steps back, hunched over, and then started running towards the back wall of the chapel. The trio of organic life-forms quickly got out of the way as Herbimus rushed by them and leaped out the window, smashing most of the back wall to pieces in the process and leaving a gaping hole in its place. The chapel groaned, and dust and pieces of rubble fell from the ceiling, as the chamber's structural integrity weakened further. "I doubt Maleficent's going to be pleased with all the construction work she's going to have to do to fix this castle…and the rest of the city," Shere Khan murmured, staring at the giant hole Herbimus had made. "It's going to be VERY expensive to clean up."

They rushed to the hole and looked out after Herbimus as he plummeted down the side of the castle. "Can he fly?" marveled an amazed Goliath.

"No," said an amused Merlin. "Don't be preposterous, he's a car, of course he can't fly!"

In midair, Herbimus transformed into his smaller and rather out-of-place Beetle form, which landed on the steeply sloping side of the castle keep and started driving vertically straight down the wall, swerving out of the way of the various towers, gargoyles, rotting vines, and other obstructions in his path. As he picked up speed, his engine roaring like a wild beast, Herbimus drove down the slope of a conveniently-placed flying buttress shaped like a ski jump and launched off the end, soaring high into the air. At the peak of his ascent, a compartment on the robot car's rear end flipped open and a pair of rocket boosters stuck out, igniting with a thunderclap and giving Herbimus an extra boost which sent him hurtling down towards the ruined city like a guided missile, his angle of descent precisely calculated to take him as close to the ferocious battle going on between King Dragon and the other robots as possible without getting in range of any of the powerful attacks and explosions flying all over the place.

"You don't call that flying?!" Goliath asked incredulously.

"No, that's falling with style," Shere Khan observed. "There's a difference."

"Hmm…" Goliath frowned in thought. "Yes, that's true. I see now." He glanced at Merlin. "Merlin…do you truly believe he can tip the balance of the fight in our favor?"

Merlin nodded. "Most assuredly. He was chosen to wield the Matrix of Leadership and continue the legacy of the Primes for a reason. If anyone can win this battle…it's him." He closed his eyes and bowed his head respectfully to the small white buggy. "Go forth, Herbimus…do your duty! Deliver justice, and fight for everlasting peace!"

"Isn't that a contradiction?" asked Shere Khan.

Merlin blinked. "What?"

"'Fight for everlasting peace.' That's sort of an oxymoron, isn't it?" the tiger pointed out. "Aside from the obvious point about peace never lasting forever, fighting only breeds more violence. Unless the peace you speak of is that of the grave, once all of one's enemies and even oneself have been slain in battle."

"Well, not necessarily," Goliath pointed out. "Isn't fighting in a war so that the war will end count as fighting for peace?"

"If you're fighting in a war, than you kill people. Are you saying then its right to kill people for peace? Do the ends justify the means?" questioned Shere Khan.

Goliath started. "What? No, of course not! I'm just saying that…there are many things a person can fight for. Money, power, prestige…or to protect people. Doesn't the latter count as fighting for peace?"

Shere Khan shook his head. "No, because you're certainly not being peaceful towards your enemies. How do you know that your opponent isn't also fighting to protect the people of _his_ land? In that case, neither of you are really fighting for peace. In trying to protect the people you care about, you're actually prolonging the conflict."

"Then what would you recommend? Surrendering?!" demanded Goliath.

Khan shook his head. "Of course not. If you surrendered, you would probably die, and so would the people you care about, and that is never the right choice to make."

"Hmm…" Goliath frowned in thought. "I believe I see your point, troubling as it is. But, if your foe isn't fighting to protect their families or something close to them…like the Heartless, for instance…than by battling _them_, soulless creatures who only seek destruction, aren't you really fighting for peace? So that they will go away and you can go back to living your life without their threat looming over you?"

"Ah, a good point," Khan agreed. "In that situation, I suppose you could argue that fighting for peace _is_ an actual possibility. However, I am not certain that applies to our present situation, or even to Herbimus in general. After all, Merlin said that he spent most of his life fighting a renegade faction of Transformers on Cybertron. In the event that eventually this faction were squashed, there would still be great resentment towards the winners, and another rebellion would emerge at some point in the future, beginning the cycle anew. I have seen it before, in many countries and worlds I have traveled to."

"But then how is defeating King Dragon not fighting for peace?" asked a puzzled Goliath. "If he is defeated, he will turn back to normal and stop ravaging this world."

Khan shrugged. "An argument could be made saying this world _deserved_ to be ravaged. But in any event, stopping King Dragon would only trigger more violence in the future. For example, by saving this world you would be ensuring that Maleficent, once she returns, will be able to build her power base back up again and plot to destroy the galaxy, which will certainly cause a great war. In addition, King Dragon's defeat would lead to Prince John's return, and I doubt it would be very long after that before King Richard kills him and retakes his throne. But, I have sensed a good deal of uncertainty in his chief follower Robin Hood, and I am certain that many wealthy people in Richard's kingdom will be resentful that he killed John, who probably put them in great positions of power. I would not be surprised if one day either Robin or those resentful nobles tried to stage a coup, causing a civil war and embroiling the land in-"

"Oh, will the two of you stop it already?!" Merlin snapped. "It was a meaningless statement! Stop philosophizing and splitting hairs!"

"I'm a businessman," Khan said plainly. "Splitting hairs over fine details is something I'm good at."

"And I am a lifelong warrior who wishes that he may one day live in peace," Goliath said. "So naturally I am interested in any way to bring that peace about, someday. And aside from that, I am a rather well-read creature, and enjoy a good debate now and then."

"As do I," Khan admitted. "I don't get the chance to discuss morals and philosophy often, since the majority of the people I am surrounded by are, unfortunately, of much lower intelligence than I. It is one of the downsides of being at the very top of the corporate ladder, sad to say. And as both a businessman and the latest descendant in a long line of great hunters, I fully enjoy most forms of combat, be they physical, or on the battlefield of the mind." He turned towards the gargoyle. "Tell me, Goliath, which do you think is a greater value to society, truth or beauty?"

Goliath thought for a moment. "I believe both of them are important to some extent, the people of a nation hate to be lied to by their leaders, and they also dislike living in an environment which is not aesthetically pleasing."

"Ah, but is not the truth sometimes ugly?" Khan pointed out.

Goliath nodded. "So it is, but I think I would prefer an ugly truth to a beautiful lie."

The tiger laughed at that. "Ha! You should see some of my stockholders and pretty much everyone on my board of directors, I doubt they'd agree with you…"

Merlin groaned and put a hand to his forehead as Goliath and Khan started conversing on the meaning of life. "Heaven preserve me from intellectual warriors…" His only relief was that Arthur was busy supervising the castle's reparations, if he were here now, he would surely enter the debate as well. And Merlin didn't think he could handle all _three_ of these great fighters clashing minds at the moment…

Especially when they didn't even bother to include him in the discussion! Really, how rude was that?!

…

At first, Sora was certain he had misunderstood Oberon. There was no way the Fae Lord could have said what Sora thought he just had. It made no _sense!_ "Wait, wait, back up," said a confused Roxas, echoing Sora's thoughts. "Your family is in jeopardy, your people have been massacred, your home's been nuked…and you're killing us _why_ exactly?"

Oberon cackled crazily. "So that I may go into the beyond knowing that, even as I face my end, even though I have lost everything, I will still be able to claim at least one victory from this nightmarish day! I will have slain the Keyblade Master!"

"You're insane," Pete said flatly. "Don't you think Satan'll be pissed at you for screwing with him like this and buying yourself time to kill us? If he ever finds out you cast that time expansion spell (and I wouldn't be surprised if he did!), your family's history."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure," Oberon said. "He might be rather pleased, actually, that I rid the universe of the legendary Keybearer…I'm sure a great many of his plans for the future would go a lot more smoothly if you were out of the way, don't you think?"

"You can't know that for sure, though," Goofy argued. "Are you really going to risk your family's lives for some petty revenge?! Gawrsh, that just don't make any sense!"

Oberon giggled, eyes wide with madness. "Hahahahaha…for all I know, I'm doing them a favor by risking their lives…maybe it would be better if they all died…"

This utterly shocked the quartet. "WHAT?!" they yelled in disbelief.

"Yes…yes, why not? Why wouldn't they be better off dead?! A far kinder fate than having to live without me, to suffer with the knowledge that they will never see me again, that I shall no longer be a part of their lives anymore! Don't you think death would be better than that? Really?" Oberon said with a rictus grin. There was no way to tell if he was joking or not at this point. It was apparent that what little control he still possessed over his sanity was rapidly slipping away thanks to the utter destruction of Avalon and the horrific slaughter of his people. So really, it was quite possible that Oberon was dead serious, that he actually believed his family would be better off DEAD than having to live without him.

But even if that was the case, even if Oberon really had gone that far over the edge, what the Fae lord was suggesting was so vile that even Roxas looked sickened. "Dude," he said, face pale. "That's…that's just _twisted_, man! How can…how can _anyone_ say that about their families?! I mean, yeah, I'm not exactly the poster boy for a happy family life, and I wouldn't have minded killing a lot of my coworkers and 'relatives' back in Organization XIII, but…what you're talking about is…its just _wrong_!"

Goofy shook his head in disbelief. "What kind of a father…no, what kind of a _man_ would ever think something like that?! That's all sorts of messed up, a-hyuck!"

Pete nodded in agreement. "I'd never believe that PJ and Pistol and Peg would be better off dead than living without me! Hell, if anything, it'd probably be better _for_ them if I died, not the other way around!"

"…" Sora tightened his grip on his Keyblade. "We have to stop you." He looked up, yellow eyes glaring piercingly at the mad elf. "We were already going to, to save the galaxy and free all the people you've kidnapped…but if you would really sacrifice your family's lives just to kill us, to get some satisfaction out of your impending demise…then there's no way we can let that happen. No way we can let you go through with this without a fight." His eyes narrowed. "If you think you're just going to be able to kill us and let that be the end of it…you have another thing coming. Because we're going to stop you, right here, and right now."

Oberon seemed to find this amusing. "I'm afraid you have no choice. Especially because all my _friends_ won't let you walk out of here with your lives intact."

They blinked. "Friends? Gawrsh, what's he talking about?" wondered Goofy.

Pete groaned. "Aw, crap, he's gonna do the clone thing again, isn't he?"

Oberon laughed, long and low. "Oh no…no, no, no, no…we all remember how that turned out, don't we? No…I'm going to try something a bit more…_effective…_" He spread out his arms, gathering power. "I would very much like to see…if the enchantments Merlin laid over you can stand up to something…like THIS! SUPREME SUMMON!" An unbelievably complex spell seal formed underneath him. There was a brilliant flash of light, and then…

The quartet found themselves surrounded on all sides by monsters. A LOT of monsters. There were Guardian Forces, Eidolons, Espers, Aeons, Summon Spirits, Summons, Duel Monsters, Kaijudo, Card Spirits, Personas, Spirits in general, dragons, Djinn, Dream Creatures, robots, and…well, just about every incredibly powerful being in existence that could be summoned via magic into battle that wasn't demonic, since Oberon's Crystal was unable to absorb that kind of power.

In other words, the heroes found themselves facing an army of…let's see…carry the two…holy shit…yeah, they're screwed.

"Um…" said Sora, face pale, quite a feat since his skin was pitch black. "Uh-oh…"

Roxas said several extremely bad words, as did Pete. Goofy swallowed uneasily. "This ain't good, fellas…"

"Well…uh…w-we can take them…can't we, guys? Roxas?" Sora asked his friends desperately.

Roxas, eyes wide, shook his head slowly. "Um…no. No, Sora, I don't think we can."

Sora started. "But…we…oh, _fuck_."

Roxas nodded. "Exactly."

Pete sighed unhappily. "Figures. Somehow I always knew it'd end this way…if not by burning to death, then getting ripped apart by an angry mob. Or army of monsters. Close enough."

"DESTROY THEM, MY MINIONS! KILL THEM ALL!" Oberon howled madly. The several thousand summoned monsters growled, snarled, roared, hissed, steamed, grunted, and made other generic noises as they reared back, preparing to charge forward and totally annihilate the four heroes standing before them.

"W-wait!" Sora cried out, grabbing for straws. "We have Summons too! Shouldn't we at least get the chance to call them first, before you guys attack us?!"

Oberon laughed at that. "Of course not! KILL THEM!" There was a pause. He blinked, noticing that all his summoned 'minions' had halted. "I said, _KILL THEM!_"

"Ah…actually…" Bahamut, the legendary dragon god and King of Summons spoke up uneasily. "I believe the boy has a point. I think there's a rule or something that, if two opponents are equally capable of summoning magical beasts to their side, both of them should be given the opportunity to call on their own monsters to help them before those who have already been summoned may attack."

"…WHAT?!" Oberon shouted in disbelief. "That's preposterous!"

"No, that's actually quite right," Ramuh, the wise and elderly sage, informed him. "It's a rather new rule, only a few decades old, so I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it yet. The rule says that if the being we are summoned to fight has monsters or spirits of their own they can call upon, they are allowed the chance to summon them before we attack. They can choose not to, of course, but if they wish to use the opportunity, we are obliged to do nothing until they have called forth their Summons and are ready to fight."

"But…but…" stammered a stunned Oberon, to no avail.

"Gawrsh, that's convenient," said a pleased Goofy.

"Yeah, for a rather blatant plot device," Pete grumbled.

"So, basically, before you guys attack us, we can call some summons of our own to help out?" Sora asked Bahamut.

The great dragon nodded. "That is correct."

"Well, that should even the odds a little," Sora said optimistically. He started rummaging through his pockets. "Now, where did I put those…"

"Hold on!" Oberon snarled. "What would happen if I were to ignore this ridiculous rule and order you to attack them anyway!?"

"Well, then something very bad would happen, as always occurs when someone breaks the laws of magic," Ramuh explained. "Probably to you."

"Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it," Madeen commented. "I'm still picking the bits of the last guy who did something like that out of my hair." Oberon grimaced, but made no further protest, reluctantly accepting this pointless delay. He reminded himself that this minor inconvenience meant nothing, that their Summons couldn't possibly defeat the army he had conjured. Their deaths by his hand were certain, inevitable, and not too far off. That cheered him up immensely.

Pete sighed unhappily as Sora continued his search. "Too bad I can't summon the Heartless anymore, not with Maleficent out of commission. Otherwise, this'd be a heck of a lot easier."

"Probably not," Roxas corrected him. "Remember where we are, after all. Heartless plus Oberon's heart plus all the helpless victims surrounding us equals…"

Pete swallowed. "Big trouble. You're right, Oberon's bad enough as is, without becoming a Heartless…and I'd hate to see his Nobody!"

"What would his name be?" Goofy wondered idly. "Oberonx? Xoberon? Boxnore? Renoxob? Nobxore? Xeronob?"

"Aha, here we are!" Sora said triumphantly, extracting his four summon charms from his pocket: a baseball, a lamp, a miniature ukulele, and a feather. "Okay, if we're allowed to use Summons, then since Oberon called up a lot of monsters at once, it's only fair for us to be able to summon as many as possible to help out too, right?"

"Is it safe to summon all of them at once?" asked a skeptical Roxas.

"Probably not," said Sora, calling upon his magic and causing the four charms in his hand to glow. He raised them into the air. "POWER!"

"Why'd he say that?" Pete asked Goofy and Roxas, who shrugged.

There was a flash of light, and three things appeared. One was a very short chicken (well, more like a young rooster) wearing glasses, shorts, and a green striped T-shirt, a second was a confused Stitch, still wearing his Magna Ranger 626 costume, and the third was…Peter Pan's severed head on a stick…

The small rooster, his eyes squeezed shut and seemingly unaware of where he was, wrapped his arms around Stitch and kissed him passionately on the helmet...with his beak… "Oh, Gretchen…" There was a pause. His eyes shot open, and he frantically backpedaled from the very confused alien. "Wait…you're not Gretchen! What the hell?!"

"Gabba?" wondered Stitch, scratching his head and wondering the same thing, since just a minute ago he had been sitting in the cockpit of the Magna Stitch Majiin, failing to destroy King Dragon. He also wondered if the small anthropomorphic chicken would taste good.

"…A chicken, an alien, and a severed head. I was expecting more. And bigger," a disappointed Pete said with a grunt.

Sora blinked. "Well…that's weird…where's Genie?"

"Uh, didn't Oberon capture him?" Goofy pointed out. "I'm pretty sure we saw him in one of those crystal thingies back there…"

"Oh…yeah…guess we can't summon him…" Sora frowned when he saw Stitch had removed his helmet and was now gnawing on Peter Pan's head. "Stitch, stop that, it's unsanitary!" The alien rolled his eyes, muttered under his breath, and tossed the macabre thing away. "Wait, why is Peter dead?!"

"Hook killed him, remember?" Roxas reminded Sora.

"…Oh yeah." Sora growled and clenched his fists. "Stupid pirate. I liked Peter…he was a good friend, and taught me how to fly…even though he could be a bit of a jerk sometimes, he didn't deserve this." Stitch nodded solemnly while trying not to make it look as if he was slowly moving over to the severed head to try eating it again.

"Sora, what the heck is going on here?!" an extremely anxious Chicken Little asked Sora. "One second I was about to score with Gretchen, the next I'm here kissing that…_thing!_" he said, gesturing at Stitch, who pointed at himself in surprise as if to say, _who, me?_ "What the hell was so important you had to summon me away from my dream date?!" He frowned. "Oh, and why're you a Heartless? Who's the guy who looks like your twin?"

"Ah…" Sora rubbed the back of his head sheepishly while Roxas waved hello to Chicken Little. "The answers to most of those questions are really long stories. But as for why you're here…" He pointed to Oberon's Summons.

Chicken Little noticed, at last, the army of incredibly powerful monsters surrounding them. "HOLY CRUD!" he shrieked in alarm.

"Yeah, I thought the same thing, but with less kid-friendly words," Roxas agreed.

"H-how do you expect me to help you take on THAT MANY bad guys?! I'd rather fight the falling sky or another alien invasion than deal with something like this!" Chicken Little cried.

Sora scratched his head, embarrassed. "Well…it seemed like a good idea at the time…and Stitch, stop eating Peter Pan's head!" Stitch cursed loudly and threw the severed head away again.

"Ah, Sora, I don't mean to be rude to your friends, but…I don't think they're really gonna help any." Stitch growled at that and drew his guns and beam sabers, and Pete quickly changed his tune. "Well, okay, maybe _that_ guy can, but…I don't think he's strong enough to beat up _alla_ these guys, is he?"

"Stitch can do it, no problem!" Stitch boasted.

"Hmm…Pete may have a point, Sora," Goofy admitted reluctantly. "Before, it was four of us against about a bajillion o' them. Now it's _six_ of us against a bajillion o' them. Now, I'm no good at math, but I'm pretty sure the odds are against us, a-hyuck!"

"Then it's a good thing I have _these!_" Roxas said triumphantly, holding a set of colored gemstones into the air.

"Huh? What're those?" asked Pete.

"Hey, those are my old Summon Gems!" said a surprised Sora. "Where'd you get those?! I thought I'd lost them!"

"They were in your other pants," Roxas explained.

Sora stared at him. "…Wait, _what?_ That doesn't make the least bit of sense!"

"Yeah, I know. COURAGE!" The gems glowed brilliantly, there was a flash of light and a great explosion of colored smoke, and then…

The party found themselves joined by a glassy-eyed black and white lion, a very confused stag with an impressive crown of horns, a tiny blond fairy with a small green dress, and…a baby elephant with overlarge, drooping ears, a clown-like frill around his neck, and a stupid-looking yellow hat.

The lion looked around at everyone dully, yawned, and lazily stretched out on the floor. The stag looked around, spotted Roxas, trembled in fright, and bolted behind Sora, quivering with fear. The fairy spotted a sneering Oberon, the monsters, and Peter Pan's severed head, screamed with a voice that sounded more like the ringing of jinglebells, and flew down Goofy's shirt. The elephant…just stood there, blinking.

Pete stared at the new summons, and nodded as if this had been what he expected all along. "Well, now it's ten against one. We have a monochrome lion, a stupid deer, a tiny little pixie, and…an elephant clown." The elephant frowned at him. He ignored it. "Yep, we're screwed."

"Oh man," Roxas groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead. "What was I thinking?! Summoning Simba, Bambi, Tinkerbelle, and Dumbo of all creatures?! DUMBO?! We really ARE fucked?!" He pouted, crossed his arms, and glared at his twin. "Sora, why are all the Summons you have totally pathetic and wussy? Why can't you have something cool, like THAT guy!" Roxas asked, pointing at Bahamut. "Or him!" Now he was pointing at the Dark Magician. "Or any of these other…very attractive ladies?" The last was in reference to the various female Summons in the room, most of which were humanoid and very lovely. They flushed, flattered by the young Nobody's praise. "Why can't we have any of THEM on our team, rather than lame-o's like these guys! Well, aside from Stitch, he's the only cool guy, but everyone else sucks!" Stitch smirked and stuck out his tongue at the other Summons in the group, who glared at him.

Sora scowled at his brother. "Roxas! That's not…" He paused, taking stock of his new allies: a small rooster who could throw baseballs, a colorless lion who seemed to have lost all interest in life, a proud stag who was cowering in fear just behind him, a fairy who was hiding in Goofy's shirt (and the dog-man was having a tough time dislodging her, too), one kickass alien warrior, and…Dumbo. "Oh, who am I kidding? You're right. Why _don't_ I have really cool Summons like Oberon? It's not fair!" He frowned at Bambi and Simba. "And what's with these two, anyway? I can understand Tink being scared, since Oberon's the former oppressor of her race and sort of the fairy boogeyman, but what's got them acting all weird?"

"I think the lion's all black and white 'cuz his world's one of the ones Oberon drained of magic," Pete ventured. "Didn't we see a bunch of African wild animal-types a while back when we were walking through all those crystals?"

"Oh yeah, a-hyuck, that explains it!" explained Goofy, sticking his arm down the neck of his shirt to try and pull Tinkerbelle out from where she was glowing right over his heart. Naturally, it got stuck. "Gawrsh, and here I thought he'd gotten lost on his way home and wound up in Timeless River or something!"

"And as for the deer…" Roxas frowned and examined the shivering Bambi more carefully, narrowing his eyes in thought. "Oh yeah, I remember now…I burned down his forests with Axel, murdered his friends, and ate that rabbit he was hanging out with. It tasted pretty good too." He paused, realizing he probably shouldn't have said that. "Um…sorry…I guess…" Bambi didn't look in the least bit reassured by Roxas' apology.

"Roxas, why'd you go and destroy his home?!" Sora demanded angrily.

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Uh, hello, I was evil! DUH! But hey, at least his world didn't suffer nearly as badly as the one with all those Pretty Ponies and stupid multicolored bears with things stamped on their chests. Heh, Axel and I had a field day there! The sheer scale of massacre, violence, and carnage we inflicted was so unreal it wouldn't even fit in an X-rated movie. Man, those were the days!" He paused, sensing everyone's wary eyes on him. "Uh, not that I'd ever do it again. Because I'm all over that now. Yeah. Plus, my stupid brother wouldn't let me…" (The last bit was said under his breath.)

Sora didn't hear him, because he was busy trying to pull Peter Pan's head away from Stitch, who was trying to eat it again. One final yank managed to tug it out of Stitch's four armed-grasp…but Sora pulled a little too hard, and lost his grip on the head, causing it to fly through the air and land right before Simba, who immediately pulled it closer to him with a paw and started chewing on it. Sora started over to stop the lion, reconsidered, and gave up, walking back over to the rest of the group with a dejected look on his face. Tinkerbelle, who had been peeking out from the neck of Goofy's shirt and considering coming out, saw Simba eating her ex-partner's head and decided it would probably be safer to stay in the Knight Captain's shirt. (Incidentally, Goofy's arm was still stuck.) Chicken Little looked at all this, sighed, and leaned against Dumbo, who was depressed because everyone thought he was worthless. (They were right.) "Well, looks like this is the end. And I'll die with Gretchen probably hating me for 'ditching' her. This royally bites."

The various summoned monsters surrounding them stared at this rather embarrassing display for a moment, then glanced at Oberon. "Ah, not to be presumptuous, but are you _sure_ you want us to take care of this? I mean, it looks like you could probably finish them on your own…" Bahamut said cautiously.

"KILL THEM!" Oberon howled, red in the face, the crystals imbedded in his body sparking and giving off arcs of electricity.

Bahamut flinched back. "Right. Sure. No problem. You're the boss. ATTACK!" he bellowed.

They did.

The heroes steeled themselves as the ridiculously large army of ludicrously powerful (and some not-so-much) monsters charged towards them with claw and fang and sword and axe and spear and gun and all sorts of other weapons, while others hung back to charge up their special attacks, the combined power of which could probably rend worlds and would most certainly be incredibly painful for the tiny group that would be the target of said attacks. "Well," said Roxas. "It's been fun, guys." He thought about that for a moment. "Well, no actually, it wasn't. Could have been better. Like, if we weren't about to die, or if my stupid brother didn't have SUCH LAME SUMMONS!"

"Hey, it's not my fault that I wound up with them!" Sora protested. "It's not like I went out of my way to find them or anything, they just were given to me or I stumbled upon them or something!"

"Than you should have stumbled upon COOLER ones!" Roxas yelled. "Well, except for Stitch. He's awesome." Stitch nodded in agreement, quite pleased with this assessment.

Pete sighed and looked at Goofy. "Goof, if we don't survive this--and we probably won't--I just wanted to tell you, you're a swell guy. A good friend, soldier, and father, and I'm sorry for rerouting the pipes back when we were neighbors so that you had to pay my water bill for five years."

Goofy smiled. "Aw, gawrsh Petie, thanks!" There was a moment's pause, and then he realized what Pete had just said. His eyes narrowed angrily. "Wait, you did _what?!_"

The charging monsters were getting closer. The monsters preparing special attacks were almost finished. The end was near. The four heroes stopped their arguing and quickly raised their weapons, ready to fight to the last man.

Tinkerbelle finally flew out of Goofy's shirt, deciding that even if Peter was dead and they were fighting Oberon, the sworn enemy of her people, she was obligated to help the good guys in whatever way she could by healing the no-doubt grievous injuries they would suffer in this battle and by bringing them back from the dead…though that would only work once. On a single hero. After that, they were pretty much screwed.

Simba continued eating Peter Pan's head, too drained of life and color by Ix to really care that he might be about to die.

Dumbo cowered on the floor, trying to hide underneath his giant ears, which had wrapped themselves around his face like a blindfold or a giant tent. This wouldn't protect him, however. If anything it would only serve to keep him from seeing his death when it came for him.

Bambi, anxious, terrified, and traumatized, trotted back and forth in circles, searching frantically for an opening, some way to escape, but of course there was none.

Stich, the only warrior who was looking forward to the coming fight, donned his helmet, pulled out his weapons, and charged towards the coming rush of monsters, howling, "MEEGA NALA KWISTA!"

This almost suicidal charge stirred something in Chicken Little, strengthening his resolve. "Aw, hell…if that guy's willing to go out fighting rather than just hiding back here like a coward waiting to die, I might as well do my best too! I'm not gonna die a chicken!" He paused, realizing the irony of his statement. "Uh…well…you know what I mean!" Pulling out a baseball, he screwed up his courage, wound back his arm, and hurled the small white orb with all the strength in his tiny frame, determined that if he was going to die he was going to take at least one of these monsters with him by giving them a hopefully fatal concussion.

The baseball arced into the air, soaring above the throng of summoned monsters, flying higher and faster than any baseball Chicken Little had ever thrown before. It sailed over the heads of the warrior beasts coming towards the group to tear them apart, whizzed past the even mightier beings preparing to unleash their devastating special attacks, cleared the ranks of the Summons completely…

And smashed into Oberon's face, breaking his nose, shattering a few crystals, and cracking some of his teeth. The confused Fae Lord only had time to think, _Is the sky falling?_ before blacking out for a few seconds due to the collision of the white baseball with his head.

He regained consciousness within moments, but the damage was done. His brief passing-out severed the mental link binding him to his Summoned monsters, breaking their connection to that time and place and causing them to vanish at once…many of them going right back to the Ix crystals Oberon had captured them in to begin with. He was just as stunned to see their absence as were the heroes, who had yet to drop their guard, uncertain this wasn't some kind of trick.

"They're…gone?!" whispered a disbelieving Sora. "No way…"

Goofy slowly lowered his shield and scratched his head in amazement. "Well, I'll be…"

Pete shook his head in amazement. "That was one heck of a pitch!"

Stitch cried out in frustration and stamped the ground angrily; disappointed that he was denied a good fight. Dumbo peeked out from behind his ears, saw the monsters were all gone, and trumpeted happily through his trunk. Bambi pranced about joyfully. Simba finished eating Peter's head and yawned, showing off his blood-soaked jaws. Tinkerbelle flew around happily, showering fairy dust on everyone. Chicken Little's beak fell open. "Did…Did _I _just do that?!"

"That was one of the slickest things I've ever seen…right next to Pete castrating Oberon," Roxas said, slapping Chicken Little on the back and knocking him over. "I take back just about every bad thing I ever said or thought about you…though I still think you'd taste pretty good if we were in the mood for chicken." Stitch licked his lips hungrily and giggled evilly at that. Pete sighed unhappily and thought longingly of chicken, knowing that he had been forbidden to eat any by Maleficent as part of his new diet (one that had been forced on him without his consent, sad to say), since they were too greasy and fatty, and she claimed that he had more than enough calories for the both of them and didn't really need any more.

"Uh, thanks…I think…" Chicken Little said, readjusting his glasses and pulling himself back up.

"That was one of the best throws I've ever seen! And I hang out with the son of one of my world's greatest athletes!" Sora complimented the small rooster, scrambling over on all fours.

"Gee, thanks," said the flattered Chicken Little. "So…um…can I go home now? I mean, unless you guys still need me here…"

"BANISH!" howled Oberon, casting, you guessed it, a banishing spell. Immediately, Chicken Little and all the other Summons started fading away.

"Oh, well, guess that answers that question," Chicken Little said as he began to disappear. "See you some other time, Sora. Stop by on my world whenever you want. But next time, please try not to Summon me when I'm in the middle of something with Gretchen…or taking a test at school…or playing baseball…or in the tub…you get the drift."

"Um, I have no idea how I can avoid doing that, but I guess I can try," Sora promised.

"'K. Bye." The small rooster vanished.

Stitch was next to disappear. "Seeya later, Sora!" the armored alien called, waving to the Heartless as he faded away. "And bye-bye, stupidhead!" He blew a raspberry at Oberon, who flushed with anger.

"Goodbye, Stitch, keep up the good fight! And please try not to cause too much property damage…" Sora begged the extraterrestrial. Stitch's maniacal cackling as he vanished told him the alien had no intention of doing any such thing.

Dumbo, Simba, and Bambi went next. "Goodbye, losers," Roxas said cheerfully. "If I see any of you again, I'll kill ya. Well, except maybe Simba, but only because he's usually cooler than this. Look forward to seeing you in your nightmares!" The elephant and deer gave each other uneasy looks as they vanished, while Simba just stared blankly ahead before disappearing.

"You're very mean," Sora said accusingly to his brother.

"Yes, I know," Roxas replied smugly.

Goofy looked around in confusion. "Gawrsh, where'd Tinkerbelle go?"

Pete rolled his eyes. "She was banished, Goof, just like the others! She went back to her own world…I think."

"But…" Goofy scratched his head. "I didn't see her fade away, like the others did…"

Pete sighed in exasperation. "She's _tiny_, ya idjit, she probably vanished and ya probably just didn't notice, that's all!"

"I guess…" Goofy said uncertainly.

"You should worry less about those Summons and more about yourselves!" Oberon challenged as he floated in the air above them, wielding his four stolen Keyblades. "When I am through with you, you will wish you could have fled this battle so easily!"

Roxas rolled his eyes, unimpressed. "Is that the best material you've got? You need better writers, man, even Xemnas had more original lines with that, and he's one of the most melodramatically clichéd villains I've ever known."

"You know, I could recommend a good speech therapist for that sort of thing, Maleficent's been going to one to learn how to say less clichéd threats and stuff," Pete offered to Oberon. "It's called VIMA, the Villainous Idiom Management Agency. Helps bad guys get with the times and stop using outdated and meaningless taunts and phraseology. She's been making a lot of progress; she's actually managed to cut down on the number of times a day she calls someone (i.e., me) a fool."

Oberon sputtered at this, totally unprepared for this sort of a retort. "I…I need no help with my speech! I am Oberon, the pinnacle of might and magic! No 'therapist' or 'agency' could possibly help me improve on something as meaningless as my manner of speaking!"

Pete nodded knowingly. "Yep, you definitely need help, and lots of it. I'd say they'd need to reserve the Ricardo Montablan 'Wrath of Khan' suite at VIMA for you. Well, maybe not," he admitted. "That's probably overkill…"

"Uh, hey, there's nothing wrong with my semi-evil lines, even if I'm not a bad guy anymore, is there?" Roxas asked self-consciously. "I mean, I don't want to think of myself as _cliché_ or _stale_ or anything like that…"

"Well, you sort of fit the 'wild, uncaring punk antihero' stereotype," Pete admitted. "But that's in vogue these days, so I'd say you're all right."

"Cool!" said a relieved Roxas.

"Um, not that I need one or anything, but is there one of these things for heroes too?" asked an anxious Sora.

Pete shrugged. "Eh, some, but most heroes these days are better at adapting their material to the times. The majority of them don't resort to nearly as much stupid exclamations like 'Great Caesar's Ghost!' or 'Holy Hannah!' or 'Great Galaxies!' and stuff like that anymore, though some guys (like that Lightyear jerk) seem to think saying things like 'To Infinity and Beyond!' in public isn't the least bit embarrassing. As long as you avoid stuff like that, and keep from making long and pointless monologues about justice and peace and truth and goodness and all that malarkey, you're golden."

"ENOUGH!" Oberon roared, face red with anger (and embarrassment) at how easily they were ignoring and dismissing him. "I am Oberon, and I shall not be denied my victory! PERISH!"

"You're only digging yourself deeper!" Pete called to the Fae Lord as he slammed down to the ground, sending out an energy shockwave and causing jagged crystal spikes to erupt from the ground all around them. Pete easily shielded himself from the wave with his force field, while the others just hopped over it. "And oh, by the way? This attack's pretty clichéd, too! One of the most overused moves of all time!"

That was not the sort of thing Oberon wanted to hear. With a snarl of hatred, he dashed forward and swung one of his Keyblades at Pete's shield. The barrier didn't break, but the force of Oberon's blow sent Pete rolling head over heels away in his spherical force field, wailing as he smashed through crystal spikes and came dangerously close to falling off the edge of the platform. Oberon grinned and then, without bothering to turn around, bent his arms backwards to deflect blows from the two Keyblade twins, masterfully blocking and countering their strikes, frustrating them all the further because he didn't even have to look at them to repel their attack. His eyes flashed, and an explosion abruptly blasted out from his body, knocking the two brothers away and breaking off their attack. In the split-second while they were being flung through the air by the explosion, Oberon spun around and, at super-speed, lunged forward, his arms elongating as he thrusted them forward to drive his weapons into their chests…

Only to be blocked by Goofy, interposing himself and his shield between Oberon and the brothers to repel his blow. The Moogle-forged Save the King+ demonstrated its strength by deflecting Oberon's four-Keyblade strike with nary a scratch, and by breaking Oberon's nose when Goofy smashed it forward into the fey's face, shoving him backwards and sending droplets of blood and black ichor flying from his head.

As the Keyblade twins recovered, Oberon angrily drove his weapons into the ground to anchor himself, then telekinetically ripped all of the spikes he had summoned out of the ground, caused them to shatter into several million razor-sharp shards, and hurled them at the three heroes. Just as he predicted, Sora and Roxas deflected the attack with their lightning-quick reflexes and Reflega spells, while Goofy just protected himself with their shield, but that brief moment of distraction allowed Oberon to call down one of Zeus' thunderbolts from above and cause it to come crashing down just behind the trio, exploding and sending them flying forward…right into the few hundred remaining shards Oberon had held back, waiting for this moment. He grinned savagely as he sent the shards at the tumbling trio, anticipating the blood that would fly as they were sliced into ribbons by his crystalline daggers…

And that's when half a dozen small, flashing explosives flew into view, detonating between the swarm of shards and the hapless trio, the blast knocking the three away and also obliterating the last of the crystal blades. Oberon ground his teeth, eyes flashing with rage, as Pete swaggered back over, toting his mace and tossing an explosive around in one hand. "Forget about little ol' me?" he quipped before he threw the bomb into the air and swung his mace at it as it fell back down, striking it like a baseball bat and sending the bomb hurtling towards Oberon. The elf's eyes flashed and the bomb detonated inches away from him, blossoming into an explosive flower of destruction which he immediately took control of, compressing and reshaping it into a flaming arrow which he shot right back at Pete, aiming for the fat cat-man-thing's heart. Pete reflexively reached for the force field controller on his belt, but with the speed at which the arrow was moving, it would pierce his heart right before he could raise his shield.

Fortunately, a Blizzard spell fired from the tip of Sora's Keyblade intercepted the flaming arrow and snuffed it out like a candle. Pete sighed in relief as the rest of the party rejoined him. "Was it really necessary for you to blow up those bombs so close to us?" Roxas complained. "The explosion really smarted."

Pete shrugged. "Hey, it's not my fault you guys don't have your own invincible force field thingamajiggies." They glared at him. Oberon growled angrily and unleashed a great expanding dome of destructive energy, which they were able to avoid by clustering together inside Pete's force field…and making Maleficent's fiancé grumble and suggest that maybe they _should_ get their own force field devices, his was too small to handle this many people for long.

The instant the energy dissipated and the shield dropped, Oberon teleported forward, intending to rematerialize with his Keyblade inside one of their heads, killing a member of the party instantly. Fortunately, Sora's Heartless senses warned him of the attack before it was too late, and he quickly intercepted Oberon's Keyblade with his own, preventing it from appearing inside Goofy's head. Caught off-guard by this, Oberon cried out in pain as Roxas stabbed him in the side with the Hellblazer, Goofy drove the sharp edge of his shield into the Fae Lord's neck, and Pete brought his iron mace down on the madman's head. Oberon staggered back, dazed by the blow from his (im)mortal weakness and from the massive amounts of blood and ichor gushing from the wounds in his sides and neck. His jaw hung open, gasping as he tried to catch his breath and mend his wounds…

And Pete stuffed a handful of bombs down his throat, practically ramming his entire fist into Oberon's mouth and scraping his knuckles as he delivered the explosive payload. "Get down!" he howled as he ran back towards the others, diving for the ground as the bombs exploded, a reprise of a prior feat done in miniature. The only difference this time was that, due to the change in size (Oberon had been a giant the last time Pete did this, while now he was relatively normal in stature), Oberon's head had been blasted to smithereens, showering the party with bits of flesh, jagged fragments of crystal, and quite a bit of blood and ichor and brain matter. The decapitated body stumbled about, fell to its knees, and collapsed to the ground.

Roxas looked down at himself in disgust. His nice white clothes were completely covered in Oberon gore. "Ew," he said. "Great. Mom's gonna kill me for this, she loves these clothes…and it's going to be a pain getting all this stuff out, I don't think our washing machine and detergent's strong enough to remove the stains all this gunk's going to make." He glared at Sora, who was completely spotless, enviously. "How come _you're_ so clean?"

Sora shrugged. "Turned into a shadow. Easy to miss getting hit by stuff when you're level with the floor."

"I loathe you," Roxas said with a scowl of hatred.

Goofy looked at his shield, which had caught the brunt of the gore flung off from Oberon, in despair. "Gawrsh, I don't know how I'm ever gonna get all this out…my shield'll never regain its former polish and shine, the poor thing!" That's when all the liquid and semisolid matter splattered across the shield started wriggling and slithering together from all over the surface of his weapon. Goofy's eyes widened in shock. "What th' heck?!"

They all watched in horror as the Oberon bits plastered to Goofy's shield, Roxas' clothes, and in general strewn all over the platform came to life and slid off whatever surface they were on, squirming and swarming together towards the headless corpse of Oberon. Unsurprisingly, they gathered on his neck, coalesced, and in a rather disgusting manner reassembled the Fae Lord's head. Oberon rose triumphantly back to his feet, a proud look on his face, certainly not resembling a person who just moments ago had lost his head. "Ho! I am reborn! Did you truly think you could best Lord Oberon so easily?"

"No, not really," Sora confessed.

"Yeah, to be honest, I sorta saw this coming," Pete admitted.  
Roxas glared at him. "Hey, how come _your_ clothes weren't ruined by Oberon brains flying everywhere?!"

"Force field," Pete reminded him.

"I HATE you!" Roxas yelled angrily.

Oberon levitated into the air, gathering power around him. "You have demonstrated you are truly most skillful warriors, almost a match for me…but why bother wasting my time defeating you in senseless combat when I could simply crush you all with my limitless magical might?!"

"In other words, he's realized he can't whup us on the ground, so he's just going to retreat and throw spells at us," Pete translated. He grunted. "Typical sorcerer."

Sora and Goofy nodded. "Ayup, just like Donald," Goofy agreed. "Except Donald had no problem with risking his neck and bashing Heartless apart with his staff and bare hands when he was _really_ angry."

"Or us…" Sora said ruefully, rubbing his head. "It _really_ hurt that one time when I almost crashed us into an asteroid…he didn't need to hit me _that_ hard, did he?"

"DIE!!!!!" Oberon bellowed, calling upon all the considerable power at his fingertips to smite his foes and wipe them from the face of the universe.

He used the powers of Maleficent, Xehanort, Riku, Nosimono, and the Heartless, drawing upon the power of darkness to smother them in shadow. He used the powers of the genies and fairies, warping reality to suit his will and grant his every wish and desire in creating obstacles powerful enough to crush the four as well as shaping utterly inhospitable landscapes in which they could not survive. He called upon the holy power of light, obtained from the rulers of the Disney Kingdom, from Kairi and the Princesses of Heart, and from all manner of other sacred and divine beings, to try and vaporize them completely. He used the power of the mind and dreams obtained from countless psychics and mystics to attack their brains and subconscious, attempting to drive them mad with gruesome images and horrible nightmares and cause their synapses and neurons to misfire and tear their nervous systems and bodies apart. He used the power of Nothingness from Zexion and the Nobodies, to try and draw them into utter oblivion. He used illusions to confuse and madden them to the point where they couldn't tell up from down or even be certain that they were who they thought they were, in hopes that they would attack and kill each other or destroy themselves out of bewilderment. He used the elements and the forces of nature, twisted the laws of science and physics, split atoms, warped gravity, ignited and destroyed miniature stars, hurled meteors and comets, summoned Unseelie and other horrible creatures to attack them, and even threw instant-death spells at them now and then for variety, just to see if they might slip through Merlin's surely overtaxed defensive spells and kill one of the four.

He used nearly every spell at his disposal, every power he had stolen, every piece of knowledge and secret of the universe he had garnered over the years…

And not a single one of them worked. Sora's Heartless power allowed him to resist the darkness, while Roxas' light obliterated the shadows. When he changed reality with the wish-power of the genies and fairies, they just _dealt_ with it, smashed it to pieces, or used their Keyblades to find the 'kernel' of his altered reality and somehow twist it back into normalcy. When he blasted them with light, Roxas used his power to absorb most of it so that Sora could blot out the rest with his darkness. When he tried to break them psychically, he found himself thwarted by Merlin's spells, which protected their minds as well as their bodies. When he tried to draw them into oblivion, Roxas used his Nobody power to lead them back out. When he taunted them with illusions, they simply smashed right through them, using the Keyblades to tell what was real and what was not. They countered the power of the elements and nature with elemental magic of their own, reversed his twisting of science and physics, shielded themselves from his nuclear blasts and exploding stars, used the distorted gravity to their advantage to attack him, dodged his projectiles, slew his minions, and walked right through his death spells, which they appeared to be completely immune to once more thanks to Merlin.

Oberon was becoming more and more frustrated, and a little worried. Nothing he did seemed to be enough. If he used too much power and utilized magicks and spells capable of killing the four instantly, Merlin's enchantments and charms protected them. When he tried using weaker but still deadly attacks, the four were able to evade, repel, or survive through sheer skill as well as Curaga spells and a seemingly limitless supply of Megalixirs and the like (Where were they _keeping_ all those, anyway?!).

And to make matters worse, he was running out of time. He had already used up half of the reprieve he had bought for himself using time expansion in his attempts to kill the four. If he hadn't defeated the quartet by the time his spell wore off, than Satan would notice Oberon was taking a suspiciously long time to release his magic, and might just decide to kill his family anyway. And, though he had said earlier they would probably be better off dead than without him, and was indeed willing to discard their lives for the sake of vengeance, he didn't really want them to die _that_ badly. They were his family, after all.

So, he needed to find a way to kill the four. Something effective, something that would penetrate their defenses, something that could cripple them and leave them completely…

Ah. Of course. How could he have forgotten? It had worked so well earlier, after all.

Breaking off his latest magical assault, Oberon teleported back down to the battle-scarred platform and split off into seventeen clones. "What? This trick again?" Roxas snorted. "Doesn't he remember how badly we whooped his doubles the last time?"

Sora's eyes widened in horror as the clones split off into pairs (except for the seventeenth one, oddly enough) and started glowing. "No, wait! They're using Limits again!"

He was right. "APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE!" Two clones rose into the air and flew towards the party. They held each other in a dancing position and started twirling around. "DANCE CALL!"

"FLARE FORCE!" Fiery rockets appeared from thin air and started shooting down at the party.

"VALOR!" One clone transformed into a giant hand, which the other clone grabbed and started swinging at them. "SONIC!"

"WISDOM!" The genie-clone of the pair started firing magic bullets from its fingertips. "STRIKE!"

"MASTER!" The genie-clone grabbed its regular counterpart and started swinging it around like a weapon. "ARCANA!"

"FINAL!" The two clones started charging towards the party at incredible speeds. "INFINITY!"

"ETERNAL SESSION!" The clones glowed, one with light power and the other dark, and then began charging towards the group like the 'Final Form Genie' pair. "SESSION!"

"LIGHT'S REFRAIN!" The ground around the two clones performing this Limit started glowing brilliantly, as did the clones themselves. "HOLY RAID!" They slashed their Keyblades repeatedly, each slash creating a luminous energy double that glided across the floor towards the party.

"DISARESTA!" The single remaining clone glowed and started dashing towards them with its Keyblades.

"Huh? What're those last three? He didn't use those before!" cried the alarmed Pete.

"The first two are the Limits I've been working on with Kairi and Riku!" said an angry Sora. "How dare he use them!"

"And that last one is His Majesty's special attack!" Goofy growled. "That just ain't right, a-hyuck!"

"Everyone, do your own Limit!" Sora yelled, seeing they had only seconds left before the extremely powerful attacks hit them. "It's the only way we can counter this!"

"Okay, here we go again! PETE!" Roxas cried out.

"ROXAS!" Pete called back, grasping Roxas' outstretched hand.

"EVIL COMBO!" Roxas jumped onto Pete's shoulders and spurred him forward with a smack on the rear from his Keyblade, sending the cat-man-thing barreling towards all the Oberons charging towards them. "STEAMROLLER!" Like the vehicle the attack was named for, they 'steamrolled' right through the clones in their path, knocking them away and interrupting the 'Applause, Applause', 'Master', 'Final', and 'Eternal Session' attacks, mainly by bowling the clones over.

Sora and Goofy were next. "SORA!"

"GOOFY!"

"TORNADO FUSION! WHIRLI GOOF!" They began spinning around like a tornado, deflecting 'Flare Force's' rockets and 'Wisdom's' bullets, knocking away 'Valor's' giant hand, and slicing apart 'Light's Refrain's' energy doubles.

The 'Disaresta' clone, however, had managed to evade Pete and Roxas' Steamroller attack and was charging towards them from behind, winding up to launch them with a mighty punt. Unfortunately, it was at that point that Roxas and Pete moved to the next part of their Limit. "CHILD ENDANGERMENT!" Pete yanked Roxas off his shoulders, whirled around, and swung the Nobody at the startled clone, connecting with a very satisfying 'crack' and sending the replica flying. "Ha, fore!" Pete joked.

"Ow…my head…" Roxas moaned.

The clones may have been initially repelled by the heroes' Limits, but they weren't through yet. "SYNCHRONIZATION/DOWNBEAT!" Glowing orange jack-o-lanterns and wailing spirits popped out of nowhere to attack the party.

"DUCK FLARE!" One Oberon hopped on another's shoulders and summoned more rockets.

"RAVE!" The Valor-genie Oberon turned into a giant fist and rocketed towards the party, dragging the regular clone with it.

"JUDGMENT!" The regular clone grabbed its Wisdom-genie counterpart and swung it around, firing bullets everywhere.

"BASH!" The Master-genie turned into a giant head and hands, which its regular partner jumped into the mouth of and began firing bullets from the tips of both their Keyblades.

"IMPACT!" The Final-genie levitated the party into the air so that they couldn't dodge all the other attacks, and then summoned an endless swarm of bullets to take them out.

"LAST SABER!" The clones pretending to be Riku flew up towards the party, drawing back their Keyblades with the intention of hitting them with a powerful strike.

"ELYSIA!" The clones ripping off Kairi's attack levitated into the air, wings of light briefly appearing on their backs as they soared towards the immobile party, drawing back their Keyblades for a powerful light-based strike.

And as for the Mickey Oberon, rather than speaking it just leaped high into the air, raising its Keyblades over its head and preparing to smash the group back to the ground after they had been hit by all the other attacks.

Fortunately for the good guys, their own Limits weren't over yet. "CIRCUS BALL!" Ignoring the telekinesis binding him, Roxas jumped onto the spherical force field Pete conjured and started spinning it around with his feet, slashing out with his Keyblade to deflect all the bullets, jack-o-lanterns, spirits, and rockets coming their way.

"WHIRLI GOOFRA!" The spinning Goofy and Sora created a bladed tornado that deflected all the opponents trying to strike them physically, sending them flying away.

The four genie groups promptly fizzled out and disappeared, their Limits and 'lives' at an end. However, that still left the clones using Jack, Donald, Kairi, and Riku's Limits, as well as the Mickey clone, which promptly dropped down on them from above, his Keyblades penetrating their defenses and smashing them down to the floor. The clones already on the ground, recovering from being knocked away by Sora and Goofy's tornado, quickly launched into their next attacks.

"FINALE!" The clones using Jack's power posed and called down energy beams from above.

"MEGADUCK FLARE!" The clones stealing Donald's power summoned several thousand rockets, which immediately converged on the party.

"PEARL BUSTER!" The clones using Kairi's Limit caused several portals of light to open and fire laser beams and Pearl shots at the quartet. Up above, the Mickey clone joined in, firing a few thousand Pearls to add to the frenzy.

"DARK CANNON!" The clones playing at being Riku launched a volley of rapid-fire dark energy blasts at the heroes.

"WHIRLI GOOFGA!" Bending their bodies to form a wheel of sorts, Sora and Goofy rolled around Pete and Roxas at high speeds, generating a wind funnel which captured all the energy shots and missiles being fired at them, sent them spinning up to the top of the funnel, and launched them up into the air, scattering them all over the platform and forcing the clones to take evasive maneuvers to avoid the thousands and thousands of shots being fired back at them.

There was a lot more for them to dodge when Roxas and Pete pulled off their finishing move, flinging bombs into the air and sending Roxas up after them to bat them all over the place, the explosives getting caught up in the flow of the wind funnel and hurled out all over the platform, where they exploded and wiped out the four pairs of clones, putting an end to their threat and prematurely stopping their Limits. (Probably a good thing, since the good guys' Limits were at an end, and the duplicates using Kairi and Riku's moves hadn't even gotten the chance to show off their strongest techniques yet…)

The only remaining Oberon, the one who had been using Mickey's attack, gnashed his teeth angrily. He considered using the finishing move of Disaresta on the four while they were recovering from their Limits, but then dismissed the idea; they would probably just deflect that attack like they had repelled everything else he had thrown at them. Even if they were worn out from his never-ending assaults, surely their adrenaline was high enough from everything he'd thrown at them to be able to react to and evade a quadruple Stike Raid, even if the thrown Keyblades did make a kickass explosion on impact!

He honestly didn't know what to do next. There were so many ways for him to kill them, if only they didn't have those protective enchantments, if only they didn't have their accursed skills and defensive capabilities, if only…

If only there were some way to get rid of all that.

But try as he might, all the solutions Oberon could think of required somehow convincing the four heroes to remove Merlin's protection themselves, since the meddling wizard had thought ahead and added enough layers and subtleties to the spells and charms he had given the party that they were able to support each other enough to counter and negate any magicks he used on them designed to remove spells and curses, such as Dispel. The spells formed a sort of interdependent reconstructing net of protection around the party, so that even if Oberon were able to remove or dispel one part of it, as long as enough of the other components remained, it could regenerate the rest and save them from his most dangerous attacks. He didn't think even his stolen Keyblades could undo that level of enchantment…not unless he was able to figure out their more complex functions and powers before time ran out and Satan realized something was up and killed his family as punishment for his betrayal.

Wait. Wait. That was it. That was the _key_. How had he not seen this before?! He grinned manically as the realization flooded through him. If Satan could convince him to surrender and release the power that was rightfully his by threatening his family, why couldn't he do a similar thing to these pesky mortals? Especially since he had the people they cared most about right there!

Vanishing his weapons, Oberon landed on the platform before the party and raised a hand in warning. "Hold!" he cried dramatically, before they could attack him.

Roxas sighed in exasperation. "What _now_, man? Haven't you figured out by now that you just can't beat us?"

"We're tougher'n cockroaches," Pete bragged, perhaps a little overconfidently. "You can't squish us out, no matter how hard you try!"

"You're right, I probably can't," Oberon agreed. "Not as long as you possess all those talismans and enchantments Merlin provided you with to protect you from my power…and the Keyblades, and that indestructible shield, and that wretched iron mace and force field device!" He grinned ghoulishly, eyes wide with a sick joy. "But…if all of those were to go away…you would be totally helpless!"

"Well, good thing we're not gonna get rid of them, right fellas?" Goofy asked the rest of the party, who nodded in agreement.

"Oh no?" Oberon asked, his grin somehow getting even wider. "Not even to save your friends?" He gestured behind him, towards the array of crystals hovering off the edge of the platform containing his most prized 'trophies'.

The party glanced at the crystals…and gasped in horror. Riku, Kairi, Namine, Xehanort, the Princesses, Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, Maleficent, Maleficent's mom, Zexion, and Nosimono were all twitching spastically in their prisons, writhing and screaming soundlessly, the transparent walls of their cages muting their howls of anguish. "What…what're you doing to them?!" Sora cried. "Stop it! Stop it now!"

"Your Majesties! Donald! Daisy!" Goofy hollered.

"Maleficent?! Honey!? Aw crap, what now?!" moaned Pete.

"Namine!" Roxas gritted his teeth and glared daggers at Oberon. "What're you doing to them?!"

Oberon grinned nastily. "They are my prisoners, and so I have complete control over them. Whereas you may have protection from my full power, they are not quite so lucky. Right now all I'm doing is giving them horrible mind-scarring nightmares and causing all of their pain centers to overload simultaneously, causing all of them to experience delicious never-ending agony. But I can make it worse…I can cause all of their bodily functions to break down at once, ripping them apart from the inside! Or I can disintegrate them slowly, molecule by molecule! Or turn their blood into acid or fatal poison and dissolve them from the inside out! Or any number of other horrendous things!" He laughed at their expressions of horror and rage. "I can do whatever I wish to them, even kill them, and there's nothing you can do about it! Hold," He said again, when they angrily started towards him. "Take one step forward…just one step more…and I'll kill all of them, right now. They'll never even know you came to rescue them, their final frenzied thoughts nothing more than a desperate, animalistic plea for the pain to end."

"Y-you're bluffing!" Sora shouted angrily. "They're sources of magic for you, they're what's allowing you to use the Keyblades, you wouldn't kill them just like that!"

"No…" Pete said slowly, shaking his head unhappily. "No, he's not bluffing. He'd do it. And why not? After all, he's got nothing else to lose…aside from his family, and he's already shown he's willing to throw their lives away. He knows he's going to die, Satan's gonna make sure of that, that's the whole reason he's trying to take us down with him, right? And if he's gonna die…if he's gonna have to give back all the power he stole anyway…then why bother hanging onto any of it if it's not gonna do him any good? Might as well destroy some of it out of spite, if he knows there's no way he can win. It's what any good villain would do." Sora's shoulders slumped in despair, realizing that Pete was absolutely right.

"Oberon," snarled Roxas. "I personally don't give a fuck for half the people you have up there…but if you kill Namine, then I will personally rip your heart out, dismember you, tear you a new one, put out your eyes, devour your intestines while you still draw breath, and leave you on the ground to die bleeding as rabid wolves and vultures feast on your still-living remains. And that's _just_ the beginning."

"No," Oberon said pleasantly, a much, much too happy look on his face. "You will not. After I kill your friends, I will undo my time expansion spell and release all of the magic I have captured. You will be caught up in the resulting energy surge and get expelled from my body as well. Satan will then kill me and release my family…and the people you care about so dearly will be dead." He grinned insanely. "It makes perfect sense, doesn't it? I die, but my family survives…but you live, and your families DIE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"That's horrible!" cried Goofy. "Well, actually, I guess I'd still have Maxie, and PJ and Pistol and Peg'd be all right, and Sora and Roxas have their mom and friends back home, but…uh…yeah, it'd still be really bad, a-hyuck!"

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Well said, Goofy. Well said."

"Gawrsh, thanks Roxas," Goofy said, oblivious to the sarcasm in the Nobody's voice.

"However…" Oberon drawled, looking way too pleased with himself. "I may be convinced to spare your friends…if you are willing to do one simple thing for me."

Sora growled. "Let me guess…you want us to get rid of the stuff Merlin gave us so that you can kill us instantly."

"Something like that, yes," Oberon said eagerly. "Of course, it won't make you _completely_ helpless…he cast numerous spells on you alongside the physical charms and talismans, so removing all the items he gave you will significantly weaken the safety mesh he wove around you, but not get rid of it completely. It won't allow me to kill you with a thought…unless, of course, I put a little more effort into it, which at this point won't really be a problem." He grinned savagely.

The quartet glanced at each other uncertainly. They had only been able to make it this far in the fight against Oberon because Merlin's gift of protection had kept them from being affected by most of the mad elf's worst attacks. Could they still survive without that protection? "I think we can do that," Sora said finally, seeing the others come to a similar conclusion. They'd just have to be extra-careful, that was all. "Anything else?"

"Of course," Oberon said, as if it were obvious. "I also wish you to send away your Keyblades, discard your weapons, remove your force field device, throw away all your restorative items, and in general leave yourselves completely defenseless to me."

"WHAT?!" Roxas shouted in disbelief, seconded by the others. "That's bullshit! No way we're doing that!"

Oberon shrugged, looking almost apologetic. "Then I suppose your friends will have to die." In the crystals behind him, the prisoners started thrashing about more violently. Their eyelids flew open, eyes pale and unseeing even as they flitted about rapidly. Blood started seeping from their noses, ears, and fingernails.

"No, stop! STOP!" Goofy hollered desperately. He tossed his shield away, and then started scrambling his hands all over his clothing, pulling small charms, talismans, and amulets from where they had been wrapped around his wrists and ankles, hidden in his pockets, concealed under bits of his armor, beneath his shirt, stuffed down his pants, and hanging from his neck. He removed it all bit by bit, discarding most of his armor in the process, sending it clattering to the floor to join his trusty shield. He dumped the last magical object, which had been hidden under his helmet, onto a small pile on the ground where he had placed the others, along with any potions and elixirs he had on him, which wasn't much. "There," he said, spreading his arms to show that he had gotten rid of everything. "That's it. That's all of it. I've got nothin' left. Just…please, stop this. Don't hurt them anymore."

Oberon glanced at the rest of the group. "Follow his example. Then I will end their suffering."

"By which you mean you'll stop torturing them, not kill them, right?" Pete asked cautiously, quickly noticing a possible loophole that could let Oberon kill their friends anyway. Being a villain, you knew to watch out for that sort of thing.

Oberon rolled his eyes. "Yes, of course. Do it. Now."

Reluctantly, they did. Sora and Roxas vanished their Keyblades, and then removed every talisman, charm, amulet, and trinket Merlin had given them, dropping them to the floor along with their own stash of restorative items, which was a bit larger than Goofy's. Pete unhappily followed suit, putting all the stuff he had gotten from Merlin into a heap on the ground, placing his mace and force field generator to the side. The rest of his explosives, all of them disarmed, went into a separate pile, which he carefully made sure to be far away from, in case Oberon decided to set any of them off. When they were all done, they spread their arms to show that they, like Goofy, had gotten rid of everything. Oberon considered telling them to strip to further add to their humiliation, then decided against it, he really didn't want to see more of their disgusting mortal flesh than he had to, especially Pete's. Besides, he could tell they had gotten rid of anything, he could sense the magic Merlin had spun around them had significantly weakened, and was now far less powerful and protective than it had been before. "Excellent," he said, releasing his hold on their friends' minds and bodies.

And then he struck, firing a powerful Holyga beam at Sora. The Heartless boy screamed as the light spell slammed into him, his black flesh literally burning with white flames as the holy magic poured over and into him. The party gasped, and then Roxas stepped forward, drawing on the power of light and trying to use his Keyblade to save Sora…

When Oberon, still keeping his Holyga beam trained on Sora, extended one of his arms forward, the limb elongating to hit Roxas with a left cross, snapping his head back and spinning him around. Before he could regain his balance, Oberon was suddenly _there_, standing right before him, and the Fae Lord drove a knee into the Nobody's gut with the force of a ballistic missile, causing him to double over in pain as his ribs cracked, and then Oberon grabbed him by the hair and drove his free right hand into Roxas' face (the other one still being used to bathe Sora in lethal holy radiation), turning the boy's face into one big purple bruise as well as breaking his nose and a few teeth. Oberon pummeled Roxas at supersonic speeds, punching him again and again and breaking more parts of his body, until he was satisfied that the boy was unconscious. Then he crushed both of Roxas' hands, just to be cruel, and carelessly flung him high into the air, summoning a black hole by imploding a Gravity spell like before and allowing Roxas to get caught in its pull. Oberon doubted he would wake up before getting pulled over the event horizon.

Casually turning his attention back to Sora, Oberon let out a wave of psychic force which knocked Pete and Goofy, who had been charging towards him from behind, off their feet. He cut off the Holyga spell, allowing Sora to fall to his knees, gasping for breath as smoke rose from his blackened…uh, blacker…form. Oberon only gave the Keybearer a moment's reprieve, though, before summoning a large metal crosspiece of holy noon-forged steel and telekinetically slammed Sora into it, causing him to screech and writhe in pain as the metal burned at his skin. Before he could be given time to recover, get down, or summon his Keyblade, Oberon conjured nails of light and drove them into Sora's palms and ankles to pin him in place, then summoned another Holyga spell from above, bathing Sora in a continuous beam of radiant light that burned at his darkling flesh and inflicted horrible agony upon him. Oberon calmly turned his back on Sora's screams to face a wary and terrified Pete and Goofy as they got back to their feet. "And now," he said. "For you two."

Goofy defiantly snatched up his shield and threw it at Oberon. "Goofy Bash!"

Oberon's eyes flashed, and the shield stopped in midair, inches from his face. He flung it away with a flick of his wrist, sending it off the edge of the platform and down into the depths of the cavernous heart-chamber. Goofy looked after his trusty (and very expensive) shield in dismay as it plummeted away from him, gulping as the Fae Lord then turned his attention back to the Knight Captain. "Burn," he said.

Goofy instantly burst into flame. "WA-HA-HA-HOOEY!" The dog-man screamed and fell to the floor, rolling over and over frantically to try and put out the fire that burned and burned and refused to go out, threatening to consume him completely and turn him to ashes. If he were to somehow survive this fire, he would be horribly burned and scarred for the rest of his life. "And so," Oberon said conversationally as Goofy tried and failed to extinguish the magical flames roasting him alive, turning to Pete, who was quivering with fear. "It comes down to you. The one who delivered the gravest insult to my personage…and deserves the most severe punishment."

"I…don't suppose we can talk about this?" Pete asked desperately.

"I have thought long and hard about how to kill you," Oberon said, as if he hadn't heard Pete. "I could make your head explode by opening a space the size of a football field inside your brain. I could cause your blood to boil into acid and eat you alive from the inside. I could grant your organs independent life and watch them tear you to pieces. I could blast your flesh from your bones and then rip that flesh into its constituent cells and molecules. I could banish you to a nightmare world that will drive you mad and drown you in that madness, forever." He shook his head almost sadly. "There are so, so _very_ many ways to kill a man, when you have the power. Almost too many to choose from. But," he added brightly, as Pete turned paler and paler with fear. "I think I have finally come upon the perfect method. Have you ever heard of a Malboro, mortal?"

Pete blinked. "Uh…isn't that some kind of cigarette?"

"No, it's actually a horrific monster covered in tentacles with far too many mouths," Oberon corrected, as if Pete were a child being chided by his teacher for giving the wrong answer at school. "And its breath is so foul that anyone caught in it is afflicted with countless negative status ailments." He smiled. "What I am going to do to you will be a thousand times worse than any Malboro's breath. I am going to cast a spell made of raw, unbalanced chaos magic, which shall cause you to suffer every curse, every negative status affliction, every lethal strain of mystical disease and bacteria, every kind of vile enchantment and transformation, all at once, even the ones that contradict each other. The resulting metamorphic energy flux will cause your cells to be torn apart and rearranged several _billion_ times in the span of a few milliseconds, causing a sensation so ungodly painful that you will probably be driven insane a hundred times over and changed into a catatonic drooling wretch should you survive…which you probably won't, since I think it's more likely you'll just be turned inside out and die. But if you DON'T, then I will kill you myself…" Oberon grinned nastily, showing his sharp teeth. "Right after I rip off and devour your balls."

Pete swallowed, hard. His face was chalk-white and his knees were knocking together loudly in time with his chattering teeth. "Y-y-you r-r-really kn-know how to h-h-hurt a g-guy," Pete stammered.

"Yes," Oberon said in agreement. "I do, don't I? Farewell, Pete."

"Wait-" Pete started.

Oberon did not wait. He cast his spell, flinging a bolt of roiling, uncontrollable, multicolored chaos at Pete, a bolt which struck the terrified cat-man-thing…

And did absolutely nothing.

There was a pause. Oberon's jaw dropped. Pete blinked and looked down at himself in surprise, noting that he was still intact. "Uh…that wasn't supposed to happen, was it?"

"What…you…why…how?! HOW?!" Oberon screamed in disbelief. "HOW DO YOU KEEP THWARTING ME!? I FORCED YOU TO REMOVE YOUR PROTECTION! THE REMAINING SPELLS MERLIN CAST ON YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE STRONG ENOUGH TO SHIELD YOU FROM THAT CURSE! HOW DID YOU SURVIVE!?"

Pete shrugged. "Search me; I'm just as clueless as you." That's when the ring on his right hand—the wedding ring Maleficent had given to him, which had been very hard to get on until Satan forced it further down Pete's pudgy finger—started glowing, little green curlicues resembling thorny vines lighting up on the bauble's surface. A beam was projected off the ring into the air, resolving to form a holographic image of Maleficent. "Huh? Maleficent?"

The image began to speak, in Maleficent's voice, which only made sense since it was an image of the evil enchantress herself. "Peter, if you are viewing this message, than you have no doubt been hit by a spell which, by all rights, should have killed you. Fortunately, I expected this to happen, seeing as how you have become my husband and so probably found yourself the target of the jealous rage of most of my jilted ex-suitors and former boyfriends, many of whom are very accomplished and deadly practitioners of magic. In anticipation that one of them might try to kill you with some sort of hex or curse, I decided to outfit you with a spell to protect you from their ire by slipping this rather clever piece of magic into your wedding ring. It took a lot of time and effort to craft, so you'd better damn well appreciate this, I did it for your own good, you big lummox." Pete smiled at that welcome and familiar term of endearment. "Basically, so long as you wear the ring, you cannot be killed—or even affected, really--by any spell designed to end your life. Not unless it's my spell, anyway. I don't want anyone but myself getting to kill you. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't be killed regularly, and spells designed to pummel you or otherwise cause you inordinate amounts of pain should still work. Just not ones that'd kill you."

Pete sniffed and wiped away a tear. "Awww, ain't that sweet? She really _does_ care…"

However, Maleficent wasn't done. "I've also spelled the ring so you can't take it off without cutting off your finger. The reason for this is…sort of a side effect of the primary enchantment on the ring. Basically, its power is connected to my life force, so if I die…how do I put this…so do you, as long as you're wearing the ring. When I found out about this, I considered discarding it and starting from scratch, then decided I might as well let you have it. Just as a safety precaution for myself. Not that I fear any chance of assassination from you, no, you're far too devoted to me, but…well, let's just say I figured you might want a little extra incentive to rescue me in the event that I was kidnapped or threatened and you realized you could actually benefit from my death." The hologram smiled at Pete. "So, if you are viewing this message during an attempt to rescue me from some horrible fate, I would recommend you get moving, _now_, before the both of us are killed. And if we died, who would take care of poor Nosimono? I certainly doubt Zexion's up for the job, he can't even keep a pet for a week without it dying or getting its heart ripped out by something or other. So hurry up and save me already!" With that, the image vanished, its task complete.

Pete's eyes bulged as he processed the information that he (and, unfortunately, Oberon) had just been given. "Aw, crap." Oberon, a look of positive _glee_ on his face, eagerly turned to face the crystal containing Maleficent. It didn't take very long for Pete to realize what the Fae Lord was planning to do. "No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Snatching up his mace, Pete charged at Oberon, running faster than he had ever ran before, seeing red and bellowing with fury. Oberon didn't even get a moment to react before Pete, moving _much_ faster than a person his size should be able to, slammed into him, knocking him to the ground and pinning him down with his formidable weight. Pete's body mass was rather negligent compared to Oberon's immense strength, but considering how Pete was smashing his mace down on the fey's head repeatedly with all his might, he wasn't really being given the chance to shove the enraged cat-man-thing off. "I-" WHAM! "WON'T-" SLAM! "LET-" BAM! "YOU-" SAM! "HURT-" CLAM! "HER-" HAM! "ANY-" DAM! "MORE!"

Pete's comments might seem surprising. After all, Maleficent had just revealed that her death would trigger Pete's as well, and she had knowingly tricked Pete into accepting this consequence of their union without even telling him before now. And yet, despite all that, he was angrily beating Oberon not for his sake, but hers. Why was this, you might ask?

The reason was quite simple. To Pete, Maleficent's actions were the sign he had been looking for, the one that showed she truly cared about him. None of Maleficent's ex-boyfriends or former husbands had been given protection from jealous rivals. Not one of them. The fact that Maleficent had given him protection, even if it was somewhat twisted and could potentially killed him, was to Pete incredibly touching, since he had rarely seen the witch exercise such concern for anyone else's well-being, especially his own, in all the time he had worked for her. The fact that she had done this, the fact that she had made the effort, was to Pete proof positive that their interrupted marriage was not for convenience, was not just to make her exes jealous, but because she truly, really, honestly, cared about him. This realization gave him all the strength he needed, plus extra, the strength he was currently using to bludgeon Oberon's face in with a big hunk of iron and hopefully end the Fae Lord's reign of terror once and for all, so that he could never hurt any of the people Pete cared about, not PJ or Pistol or Maleficent or Nosimono or, hell, even the boat-boy king, ever again.

This was bad news for Oberon, who, much to his horror, was actually _losing_ to Pete. It was a little hard to think of a good spell that could knock Pete off of him when said individual was smashing his face in with a weapon made of a material that was as good as Kryptonite to his kind and causing his power to weaken with every successful blow. That sort of thing messed up a guy's cognitive process something fierce.

Of course, in the end, he didn't need a spell. All he needed was a Keyblade. Pressing his only free hand against Pete's chest, the others held down by the cat-man-thing's weight and other arm, Oberon summoned the Reverse Kingdom Key…inside of Pete's chest.

Pete stiffened as he felt about two and a half feet's worth of golden metal materialize inside of him, penetrating him from the front and emerging from his back, the vaguely crown-shaped notches of the blade digging into his flesh and what little remained of his worn and ragged wedding tuxedo. He gasped, his fingers loosening their grip on his mace. He looked down at the Keyblade buried in his chest for a moment, stupefied, then slumped against its length, the life slowly draining out of him along with the blood seeping around the edges of the exit wounds the Reverse Kingdom Key had made when it appeared inside of him. The only thing he could think of at that moment was how oddly fitting it was that this weapon, of all weapons, would be the one to finally kill him…though he had always thought it would be the king with the big ears and the twinkling eyes and the bright smile who had served under him on his old steamboat--what seemed like a very long time ago--who would be the one holding the blade that had delivered the final blow, not Oberon. Never Oberon.

As he thought these disjointed thoughts, everything slipping out of focus as his life began to fade away, Oberon triumphantly rose to his feet, lifting the Keyblade fixed inside of Pete with one hand as his face slowly regenerated itself and his power returned to him. He grinned at Pete with fangs bared in victory and eyes glowing with hate. "You have done well," the Fae Lord said. "Better than anyone, I daresay even yourself, expected you could. But now, like all frail and mortal things, you must die."

Pete stared down at the Keyblade sticking through him, and dully, through the haze and numbness filling his mind as death encroached, he noted that it was glowing and starting to get hotter, as Oberon channeled his power into it. In seconds, it would release a flash of heat and light as strong as the sun and incinerate him completely. He realized, quite suddenly, that he was about to die.

And in that moment, at that _exact_ moment, he realized something else, too. That it could not end, he would not _let_ it end, like this.

His right hand closed tighter around the haft of his mace, a dead man's grip. His left arm shot out, grabbing the shaft of the Keyblade sticking through him, ignoring the searing pain he felt through his glove as the heated metal burnt his hand. Oberon gasped, clearly startled by this much motion from a man who was only seconds away from dying. "W-what-"

Pete's head rose up, fixing Oberon's milky white eyes with his own, a look of determination and fury on his hairy, unshaven face as he slowly raised his mace into the air. "I…ain't…gonna…let it end…like _this!"_ he roared, tugging on the Keyblade with his left hand and pulling himself further down its length and closer to Oberon, while at the same time bringing the iron mace down on the horrified Fae Lord's head, striking the elf with absolutely everything he had left in him, hitting Oberon harder than he had ever hit anything before. He snapped a few tendons in the process, and cracked some bones, but those didn't matter, not in the long run anyway. "EAT THIS!"

The mace struck Oberon's head with such force that it _exploded, _sending bits of metal and wood flying everywhere and imbedding them in Oberon's flesh and brains as his skull caved in. And Oberon screamed, and screamed…as well he should, for splinters of iron and wood were not all that had been released by the mace's destruction. After all, the weapon, taken from Goliath, had been modified by Xanatos' nanotechnology to convert it into an iron mass capable of maiming or killing any lesser Fae, and certainly of wounding Oberon. By destroying the mace, the nanites were released into the air, and the iron micromachines immediately followed their programming by seeking out the closest warm body to inhabit: Oberon himself. They burrowed into his flesh and swam through his bloodstream, thoroughly infecting his body and spreading iron poisoning throughout his form, which was also what they had been programmed to do, should they ever be dispersed from their weapon or host body and allowed to come in contact with an enemy Fae. They multiplied themselves and spread throughout his body as effectively as any virus, spreading the iron plague everywhere and causing significant and radical physical changes to immediately become apparent. "No…NOOOOOOO!!!!" Oberon howled in anguish, dropping Pete and staring at his hands in horror as they withered into skeletal claws, as his hair turned white and fell out, as his teeth rotted and yellowed, as his nose crumbled away, as his skin shriveled and became leathery and ancient, taking on the color of rust, while the many crystals sticking out of his flesh blackened and splintered apart. "What…WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! AAUUUUUUGGGHHHHH!" he screamed in pain, clutching his face and staggering away as the nanites continued to ravage his form. The body he was using was not his true one, just a smaller representation of himself used to navigate through his currently gigantic self, but it hurt just as badly as if it were the real thing, and affected the 'heartscape' they were in all the same. Everything darkened and dimmed, the crystals changing in hue from green to blood-red, the platform they were standing on becoming duller, tarnished, and the color of rust. More energy started crackling between the floating crystal cages, and the prisoners within began stirring uncomfortably as Oberon stumbled about in pain, weeping and crying out.

Pete lay on the floor, on his back, blood gushing out from his chest and across the ground now that there was no longer a Keyblade running through him to plug up the holes in his body. He knew he had not killed Oberon, or even truly beaten him. But he had weakened him severely, and that might make all the difference. _The others can take it from here,_ he thought weakly, as darkness crept in on the edges of his vision. _They're good at that sort of thing._

And then he died.

…

Oberon's power and concentration had been broken when Pete smashed the mace over his head. As a result, the black hole about to devour Roxas, the light focused on Sora, and the fire burning Goofy all vanished immediately. Roxas was snapped out from his unconscious state when he fell down from where the black hole had been moments ago and hit his head hard on the floor, jolting him awake. "Ow," he grunted as he got back up, feeling like his entire body was one big bruise. He looked around. A lot had changed since he had been knocked out. The place had gotten darker and creepier; Oberon was huddled beneath his cape in a tiny mass on the ground in the distance, not moving; Sora was huddled on the ground nearby, trembling and clutching himself; Goofy was lying on the ground, his body looking like a pile of charcoal but still breathing, and Pete was…

Pete was dead. "Oh shit," Roxas said. He almost ran over to where Pete was lying to make sure, even though Roxas was pretty certain the guy was dead, but he knew other things took higher priority. Like his brother. "Sora!" He rushed over to the trembling Heartless, skidding to a halt and crouching down beside his twin. He shook Sora on the shoulder. "Sora! Are you all right?!"

Sora nodded, still trembling. "Y-yeah, I'm o-okay. That light was…it was just…" He shuddered. "It was a little…much. I had no idea the light could hurt so bad. Is this how other Heartless feel …when I use it to destroy them?"

"Eh, who cares?" Roxas said, not feeling any real empathy for the creatures of darkness. "What matters is that you're all right. I was really worried there, you know. I thought you were going to die. I didn't think any Heartless could possibly survive that much light for so long, not even Xehanort!"

"…I almost didn't," Sora admitted, his trembling subsiding. "I think…I think I almost _did_ die back there. But…something protected me." One of his claws slowly touched his chest, right over his heart. "The light in the darkness…the light…inside…"

"Ah," said Roxas. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I'm not sure I do either," Sora admitted. "But either way, it saved me. And…Roxas! Are you all right?" Sora asked urgently, looking over at his brother. "I mean, geez! Your face is…and your hands!"

"Huh?" Roxas looked down at his hands and observed that, much to his surprise, they were broken, along with a few other crucial parts of his body. "Ohhh. So _that's_ where all the blinding pain was coming from…I sort of didn't notice. Well, until now, anyway." He grimaced in pain. "Ow…goddamn motherfucking elf…"

"You didn't notice?!" Sora asked incredulously.

"Well, I was kind of worried about you, you know?" Roxas said through gritted, cracked teeth. "I mean, if anything were to happen to you, I…I don't know what I would do." He shook his head, looking almost ashamed to be admitting such a weakness to anyone, let alone his brother. "I mean, I've lived most of my short life without you, but now that I'm a part of you…now that we're brothers…I honestly don't think I could survive if you weren't around anymore."

Sora stared at his brother in amazement. "Roxas, that's…that's one of the nicest things you've ever said."

Roxas flushed and looked away. "Yeah, I know. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Roxas," Sora said, reaching out and touching his brother's wrist. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I feel the same way."

He smiled. Roxas didn't. "Sora," he said. "My hand is broken. You're hurting me."

"Oh," Sora said, quickly withdrawing his claw. "Sorry. Uh, Curaga!"

Tinkling green bells and leaves appeared over the duo and sparkled magical dust on them, instantly healing all their wounds. "Ah, that's better," Roxas said in relief as his face became less bruised and beaten and his hands were mended. "Ain't magic great?"

Sora nodded. "Yes, when it's not being used against us. Now, let's go heal the others too, I couldn't really see what was going on after I got stuck under that big spotlight, but I think they got badly hurt."

"Ah…" Roxas fidgeted. "About that…"

Sora frowned at him. "What?"

"Well…" Roxas rubbed the back of his head uneasily. "Goofy's okay, other than being horribly burned, but Pete…he's…" He sighed and let it out. "Dead."

Sora's eyes widened. "What?!"

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, he's got a gaping hole through his body and there's blood everywhere, so I'm pretty sure he's dead. I'm not positive, but I think he died trying to save us, he might be the only reason we're free right now-" He broke off, noticing that Sora was no longer listening to him and had gone bounding off to examine Pete himself. "Damn." He shook his head and walked over to join his brother.

Sora looked down at the fat cat-man-thing helplessly. There was no point in denying it, Pete was truly and utterly dead. He glanced up at Roxas anxiously as his brother came over. "Can Curaga fix this? Or any of our potions?"

Roxas shook his head sadly. "All of those only work on people that're still alive. A phoenix down could save him, probably…but while I'm sure there are phoenixes somewhere in this place, I don't think we'll be able to find them and get some feathers from them before it's too late to revive him. After that, we won't be able to bring Pete back without using necromancy and turning him into a rotting, shambling, rather odorous member of the undead. Which probably wouldn't be that different from how he usually is," Roxas admitted. "Other than a craving for brains."

"No…Pete…" Sora whispered. He bowed his head in sorrow. He would have cried, if Heartless possessed tear ducts. "Before now, I always thought he was just a bumbling lackey…one of Maleficent's goons, someone we had to beat up whenever he was causing trouble…but this wedding thing allowed me to see a whole new side of him. A side of him with its own flaws and insecurities beneath all the false bravado, a side that's a loving father and a compassionate person, who'll do anything for the people he cares about, even if they're not on the same side as him." He shook his head sadly. "He may have been a self-proclaimed bad guy, but in his own way, I think Pete was a true hero."

Roxas nodded reluctantly. "I hate to say anything this sappy, but…I think you're right. He wasn't that bad, deep down. I'm…I'm actually gonna miss the meatbag. Damn…" He rubbed his eyes, wiping away some moisture that had built up there.

Goofy nodded sadly and removed his helmet, tears dripping down his long snout. "Gawrsh, Petie…why'd you have to go like this? What'm I gonna tell PJ and Pistol and Peg?" He blew his nose on a handkerchief and started blubbering in sorrow.

Roxas and Sora nodded, then did a double-take. "Goofy?!"

"Yeah?" Goofy asked, glancing at them.

"Um…excuse me, but…why aren't you as hideously burned and blackened as a charcoal briquette?!" Roxas demanded, going right to the point.

"Did you use a restorative item or something?" Sora asked, more politely.

Goofy shook his head. "Nope, my arms were too badly burnt for me to crawl over to that pile over there without causing me horrible agonizing pain. Fortunately, I didn't need to, this little lady here fixed me up good, a-hyuck!" He held out a palm, revealing the petite Tinkerbelle standing in it, looking quite pleased with herself.

"Tink! You're all right!" cried a delighted Sora.

"Wait, didn't she get banished along with all the other Summons?" asked a confused Roxas.

Goofy shook his head. "Nope, she sensed him starting to cast a Banishing spell, so hid inside my shirt to avoid it. I didn't even know she was there until Oberon lit me on fire, after the flames had gone out she popped up and healed me completely! And I'm very grateful to her, too. Thank you kindly, Miss Tinkerbelle." She smiled and curtsied demurely, her every motion sounding like jingling bells.

"Well, I suppose she was lucky," Roxas joked. "She could have hid in Goofy's _pants_, instead of his shirt…I certainly wouldn't want to go down there!"

As Tinkerbelle and Goofy glared at Roxas, neither one amused, Sora started hopping up and down to get their attention. "Guys, this is perfect! It's just what we need!"

"It is?" asked a confused Roxas and Goofy, while Tinkerbelle gave him a puzzled look.

"Tinkerbelle, you have the power to bring people back from the dead with your fairy dust, don't you?" Sora asked the little green-clothed fairy. "You've saved me from death countless times in battle before. Is there any way you can use that same magic to revive Pete? Preferably without the hole in his chest, or a thirst for …or blood…that is?"

Tinkerbelle looked thoughtful, Goofy expectant, and Roxas was just plain doubtful. "I don't know, Sora…it probably took a lot of fairy dust to heal Goofy from all the burns he got from Oberon's fire. Do you think she has any power left to save Pete?"

"That's what I'm hoping to find out. Can you do it, Tink? Can you help Pete?" Sora begged the fairy.

"We'd really appreciate it if you could help us…" Goofy pleaded Tinkerbelle. "Gawrsh, I know he's a bad guy and all, but I've known him for years, and it just wouldn't feel right for me to let 'im go like this. I couldn't just tell his kids that Pete had died and I hadn't done my absolute best to save him. So…can you save him Tink? Please? For the kids?"

As everyone looked at her hopefully, Tinkerbelle bit her lip in thought, considering whether or not she had enough power left at the moment, having expended quite a bit of it on healing Goofy's burns, to revive Pete without putting her own life force at risk. This sort of thing was always touch and go, since there was sometimes a chance that when a fairy used his or her power to bring back the dead after already using up a lot of energy in other tasks, they themselves could end up dying, having been forced to sacrifice their own life force to finish the deed.

After a moment, Tinkerbelle decided that, while she had indeed used a lot of fairy dust to save Goofy, she still had enough magic at the moment to revive Pete without dying herself. She wouldn't be good for much else for a long time afterwards, but at least she would be able to save someone's father and friend. She felt she had to do this, no matter what the risk. After all, she hadn't been able to save Peter…so when she nodded her agreement, and saw the exultant smiles of relief on the heroes' faces, Tinkerbelle knew she had made the right decision.

Taking flight off of Goofy's outstretched hand, she flew over to Pete, looking down at the dead cat-man-thing from above. Once she had reached the proper altitude, she started flying in rapid circles over Pete's corpse, sprinkling an extraordinary amount of fairy dust from her insectoid wings onto the dead body. Rather than accumulating on Pete's skin, the dust actually _sunk_ into his cold, clammy flesh, as if his dead body were somehow absorbing the magical substance despite its current lack of animation. As Sora, Roxas, and Goofy watched in amazement, the dust slowly started to have an effect on Pete, while Tinkerbelle continued showering more onto the dead man from above. The blood that had spilled all over the place quivered and started flowing back into Pete's body, which soaked it up like a sponge. Even the dried blood on his clothes liquefied and sunk back into his skin. The large hole going through his body slowly began to shrink, knitting itself back together, as his organs regenerated themselves. His heart began to beat, once, twice, slowly at first but soon picking up speed, circulating the newly replenished blood throughout Pete's veins. His skin began to regain its color as the blood flowed throughout his body, turning his face red. Tinkerbelle stopped sprinkling dust and, almost out of power, started descending rather haphazardly towards the ground. Fortunately, Goofy was able to catch her, and together the four watched as their dead companion continued his restoration.

The hole in Pete's chest and back closed completely. His muscles wove themselves back together, and his fingers twitched. His eyes flew open, and with a great gasp of breath which sent air flooding down into his deflated lungs, causing them to pop back up to full size so quickly it gave him chest pains, Pete sat up and looked around. "What?! What happened?! Am I dead? Is this Heaven?"

"PETE!" Sora, Goofy, and, amazingly, Roxas cried joyfully.

"You're all right!" Sora said, startling the hairy lummox with a big hug which almost frightened him back to death again, seeing as how Sora was presently a Heartless and usually the only time they touched a person was when they were ripping out their hearts.

Pete looked at them in confusion, blinked, and groaned. "Aw crap, you guys're here. Guess I'm in the other place, then. Not a big surprise."

"You doofus!" Roxas said, boxing Pete across the ears and causing him to yelp in pain. "This isn't Hell, you're alive! We just brought you back from the dead!"

Pete blinked. "You did?"

Goofy nodded rapidly, his long ears flying about. "Yup! And it's all thanks to this little lady here!" He held out his hands to Pete, revealing the very exhausted Tinkerbelle, her glow significantly dimmer due to the immense amount of energy she had been forced to exert to bring the cat-man-thing back to life.

Pete looked at the little fairy in amazement. "Really? Did you bring me back?" A smile formed on her tired face, and she nodded happily. "Then…then I guess I owe you a big thanks. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart." He grunted as he pulled himself back to his feet and offered her his index finger, which she readily shook. "If it weren't for you, I'd be a goner. I'm never gonna forget this, I promise." The two smiled at each other. Sora, Roxas and Goofy smiled as well. It seemed like nothing could ruin that magical moment…so of course, something had to.

"You will never forget…this, either!" a voice as dry and hoarse as the Kalahari desert rasped. "_I don't…believe in fairies!"_

And just like that, Tinkerbelle died. She gasped, the color draining from her body and her glow dying down to nothingness. She collapsed, motionless, in Goofy's hands. His jaw dropped, while Pete gaped in horror, stunned at how suddenly his new friend, the person who had just moments ago restored him to life, was herself dead. "N-no…" he stammered in disbelief.

Sora's eyes flashed. Roxas ground his teeth in rage. They both whirled around to confront the monster that had so vilely murdered Tinkerbelle with but a few words. "OBERON!"

The mad Fae Lord in question cackled, his rasping voice sounding much like that of a deranged old man. It was clear that Pete's virus had done quite a number on the once-proud and handsome fey. His skin had turned the color of rust and dried blood, and shriveled up so much that it was just barely clinging to his bones, making him look like a skeleton clothed in the thinnest layer of flesh, like one of the living dead. In fact, there were a few parts of his body where the skin had peeled off or broken away, revealing brittle bone and sinew. His rich, fine clothes had reached as advanced a state of decay as the rest of his body, becoming little more than moldy, tattered rags and a torn cape hanging off his bony frame. His hands had been twisted into withered, gnarled claws that were constantly twitching and shuddering, as if their master had little control over them. His hair was almost completely gone, only a few long, very gray strands clinging stubbornly to his bare skull.

And his face…his visage was truly that of Death itself, what with his nearly hairless pate, the gaping cavity that had once been his nose, his hanging jaw with its yellow and broken teeth, and his feverishly burning eyes, which had recessed back into his skull, at the bottom of deep hollows. He giggled maniacally as he shambled towards them, dragging one leg that seemed to have gone stiff with rigor. "Yes," the walking corpse croaked. "It is I, Oberon, Lord of the Fae. Behold, am I not glorious?" He laughed madly, his body almost shaking itself apart. Nobody else thought this particularly funny.

"What…what happened to you?" asked a stunned Sora, horrified by the Fae Lord's appearance.

"Ha…hahaha…better you ask _who_ did this!" Oberon rasped. He pointed one long, withered finger at Pete, who flinched back in alarm. "It was he…that wretched, fat mortal…he broke his mace on my noble head, and released a vile plague of iron, a disease which has swept through me…and rendered me as you see me now…barely alive, but not yet dead."

"More's the pity," Pete grumbled.

"Why'd you kill Tinkerbelle?!" Goofy asked angrily, his hands cupped around the poor dead fairy as tears ran down his face.

"Yeah, she didn't do anything to hurt you!" Sora shouted furiously.

"She is a pixie…of the slave race…who has defied Lord Oberon and assisted you traitorous mortals…and the punishment for that is DEATH!" the being who himself looked like death warmed over howled. "She restored my almost-slayer to life…how dare she! Why should this wretched obese mortal live, he who has violated and wounded me so…while I, the great Oberon, am forced to suffer like this? It is a cosmic injustice! One demanding reparations! So…I simply…remedied the problem by killing her! Gahahahahaha! And so, I shall kill you all!" It was quite clear at that point that Oberon had lost what little of his sanity remained thanks to the iron nanovirus Pete had infected him with. He was little more than a raving, psychotic, homicidal lunatic now. It would have almost been sad, really, if it weren't so sickening.

"You _evil…_" Sora growled.

"God, I am so _sick_ of this guy…" Roxas snarled. "You know what? Fuck you, man. We're tired of all this shit you keep throwing at us and all the people you're hurting. When we're through with you, you're going to be _begging_ Satan to kill you quickly. Not that you deserve it."

"What I deserve?" Oberon laughed. "Of course I deserve to die! Doesn't everyone?"

They stared at him in confusion. "Uh…what?" Goofy asked after a moment.

"Death is totally inevitable. That is something I see at last. No matter what I do here, I'll die. If you win, Satan will kill me and possibly my family. If I defeat you, Satan will still kill me, and most probably my family. I can't win, don't you see? Even if I kill you, I still lose!" He howled with laughter, as if this were the funniest thing he had ever heard. Nobody else thought it was entertaining. "So…I'll make sure everyone loses! You, Satan, the ENTIRE GALAXY!"

They started at this. "Wait, what?!" cried Pete.

"Oh no…" moaned Sora.

"Why should I release all the people and lovely magicks I have captured, just to satisfy Satan and maybe, just maybe, spare my family's lives? If I'm going to die no matter what I do, why shouldn't I ruin his plans and everyone else's? So, I'm going to KILL EVERYONE! Your friends, his whore of a daughter, EVERY SINGLE CREATURE I HAVE CAPTURED!" They gasped. He giggled, a strand of drool running down his chin. "The resulting release of death energies will trigger the catastrophic reaction everyone's been whining about…an explosion so great it will wipe out the galaxy and everyone in it, maybe even others! Satan will survive, unfortunately, but I'll have set back his plans by centuries, if not _millennia_! I will have done the universe a great favor, then, will I have not? I will be a HERO! Won't that be GLORIOUS?!" He laughed insanely, spittle flying everywhere.

"That's…that's crazy!" cried Sora.

"No, _he's _crazy," corrected a stunned Roxas.

"Geez, and we thought he was bad before…" muttered Pete.

"But, gawrsh, if you piss off Satan and blow up the galaxy…then he'll _really _kill your family! You can't possibly want that!" Goofy protested, still holding tight to Tinkerbelle's corpse.

"Why not?" Oberon retorted. "They'll die anyway, eventually! Everything does, even we so-called immortals, I see that now! So why bother letting them suffer in life, when their death is inevitable anyway? Why not let them die early? Then all of us, all we Fae, can be united again in glorious DEATH! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

"…That's insane," a horrified Sora whispered after a moment.

Roxas nodded in agreement. "Dude, you're nuts. Nuttier than a sack full of rabid nutty badgers who graduated top of their class in Nuttiness at Nutty University, with a master's degree in the field of Nuttiology." The others stared at him. He flushed in embarrassment. "Okay, I know that was lame, but I swear it sounded better in my head…"

"The end begins now!" Oberon crowed, spreading his arms wide, power crackling around him. "DOOMJA!"

"Aw, crap," groaned Pete. "This can't be good."

He was right. It wasn't. A wave of darkness rushed out from Oberon and enveloped the chamber and everyone in it, and for a moment everything seemed to go black. The ghastly image of the Grim Reaper appeared, holding a scythe in one hand and a stopwatch in the other. Laughing like the damned (and sounding a lot like Oberon), the Reaper lashed out with its scythe, striking everything in the heart cavity with a single swipe of its blade yet doing no damage, then pressed a button on its watch and vanished.

"What was that?" asked a confused Sora as the room became visible again, a faint ticking noise going on in the background. "That was…odd…"

"Yeah, I figured Death would have an hourglass, not a stopwatch," Roxas agreed.

"Uh, fellas," Goofy said nervously. "You might wanna take a look up. Over your heads, I mean."

They did. What they saw wasn't good. "Uh oh," said Sora.

"Oh, fuck me," Roxas groaned.

Suspended over their heads, as well as the heads of all the prisoners in the crystal cages and even Oberon himself, were ghostly glowing numbers, changing rapidly as the seconds passed, counting down from five minutes. None of them had any illusions whatsoever as to what would happen when the clock hit zero.

"When the time runs out…we will all die! And Oberon shall be triumphant!" Howling madly, Oberon levitated off the platform and flew away, vanishing into the forest of crystals surrounding them.

"We have to stop him!" Sora cried.

"Yeah! Hey, wait, why doesn't the meatbag have a timer, too?" Roxas asked, glancing at Pete, who indeed did not have a clock floating over his head.

Pete scowled. "Don't call me meatbag. And I'm safe because it turns out my wedding ring has the power to protect me from any spell meant to kill me. However, the ring itself'll kill me if Maleficent dies, which'll happen in a little over four minutes if you two don't get a move on and stop that jerk before it's too late!"

Sora nodded. "Right! Roxas, let's finish this! Stop him, rescue everyone and give him payback for all the people he's hurt or killed today!"

"I'm definitely with you, bro. Been looking forward to this all day!" Roxas whooped. "Let's kick his withered ass right to Hell and save Satan the trouble of doing it himself!" The brothers launched into the air, flying after Oberon.

Pete sighed as he watched the brothers fly off. "Welp, there they go. What're we gonna do while we wait for 'em to save us all?"

"Clap," Goofy said.

Pete blinked and stared at the knight. Goofy had set Tinkerbelle's body on the ground, knelt down over her, and started clapping his hands together. "Huh?"

"Gawrsh, didn'tcha know, Pete?" Goofy asked, looking at his former neighbor while continuing to clap his hands. "You can bring fairies back to life by clapping your hands and saying, 'I do believe in fairies, I do, I do!' If you help me out, and we do it enough times, we should be able to save Tinkerbelle, a-hyuck!"

Pete stared at him in disbelief. "…You gotta be kidding me."

"No, really, it's true!" Goofy protested. "All you gotta do is clap your hands and say, 'I do believe in fairies, I do, I do' to bring a dead fairy back to life! I've seen it happen before, a-hyuck. It's a magical thing to witness." He sighed and looked at Pete. "Problem is, one person's belief alone isn't enough to do the trick. It's gonna take at least two people clapping to bring her back, Pete. That's just the way it works. So you see, you _gotta_ help me do it! Besides…" He gave Pete a big 'puppy eyes' look and Pete groaned, knowing he was done for. "She saved your life, Pete. She brought you back from the cold clutches of death. Don't you think she deserves the same thing?"

Pete grimaced, caving in. "Awww, why'd you have to put it like that, Goof?" He sighed. "You're right. She does deserve it." He knelt down beside Goofy. "But if anybody asks, I'm gonna say that you did it all by yourself, and if you tell em' otherwise, I'll lie like a dog and beat you to a pulp. I've got an evil reputation to maintain now, y'see? Can't let word that I clapped my hands like a kid to bring a tiny pixie back to life get out."

Goofy smiled, knowing that beneath Pete's current gruff and reluctant attitude he really wanted to be doing this. "Can I at least tell your kids?"

Pete considered that for a moment. "Well…maybe them. And nobody else! You got that, Goof? This's just between you and me and my kids, nobody else is gonna hear about it!"

Goofy nodded. "No problem, Pete!" He was, of course, going to wind up telling everyone back home about it before the day was out. Both of them knew this. Goofy wasn't particularly good at keeping a secret.

"So, all's I gotta do is clap?" Pete asked Goofy, turning his attention back to Tinkerbelle. "And say that I believe in fairies?"

"That's right, a-hyuck!" Goofy said.

"Right. Let's get this over with." Pete started clapping. "I do believe in fairies, I do, I do. I do believe in fairies, I do, I do. I do believe in fairies, I do, I do."

Goofy turned his head away from Pete and looked out of the computer screen. "That goes for all you boys and girls out in the real world too! If any of you want poor lil' Tink to come back, then you gotta clap along with us and say the magic words! If you're worried about embarrassing yourself in front of your friends or family or roommates, just go somewhere private, close the door, and do it quietly! Nobody'll ever have to know, except for you and me!"

"Goof, who are you talking to?" asked a bewildered Pete.

"Why, the readers, of course, who else?" Goofy asked, pointing at what appeared to Pete to be nothing but thin air.

"Ah," Pete said after a moment. "Right." He went back to clapping and chanting, and Goofy quickly joined in. _Note to self,_ Pete thought quietly, _Goofy is much more disturbed than I ever imagined. I gotta talk to the King at some point about maybe giving the job of Knight Captain to someone who's a little less…ah…unhinged…_

…

It didn't take long for Roxas and Sora to find Oberon. Of course, that depends on how you measure time. A minute isn't usually very long, but since they were on the clock and now had only about three minutes left before the galaxy was destroyed, they were under more than a little pressure.

Well, Sora was, anyway. Roxas seemed to be pretty confident that they'd win with plenty of time to spare. And why not? Oberon had clearly been seriously weakened by Pete's attack. He hadn't even been able to hit them with some kind of instant-death spell when he confronted them in his ruined state…well, other than the Doomja curse, that is.

Even so, Sora was somewhat regretting having left so quickly, without replacing all the protective charms and amulets they had been forced to discard earlier. Even if Oberon _was _weakened, it was rarely a good idea to go into a fight underestimating your opponent. He was forced to lay his doubts and worries aside, though, when they finally caught up to the decrepit Fae Lord, who was weaving his way through the thousands of crystal cages floating around in his heart cavity and dodging the energy bolts occasionally shooting between them. "There he is!"

"Let's get him!" Roxas cried. He flung his Keyblade into the air and formed a pair of orbs of light energy at his sides, which began firing Pearl shots at the fleeing fey. "Holy Judgment!"

Sora quickly followed suit, forming a ball of dark energy at the tip of his Keyblade which exploded and sent several hundred slashing energy blades flying through the air towards Oberon. "Dark Frenzy!"

The Fae Lord's body stretched like Silly Putty, twisting and contorting about so that he could fly between, over, and under the light and dark energy shots. "I see you are eager to die before the rest…allow me to oblige you!" the madman cackled. His jaw disjointed and hung open, a tremendous energy beam firing from it and shooting straight towards the twins. They quickly flew to the sides, only barely managing to dodge the surprisingly powerful attack.

"Whoa! Talk about bad breath!" Roxas quipped.

"Roxas, we don't have time for jokes or playing around, we need to stop him before his spell kills everyone!" Sora shouted angrily.

"You can't stop me!" Oberon giggled madly, flying erratically and making himself a harder target to hit, evading and stretching out of the way of the twin's attacks as they tried to close in on him. "Your time is already almost up! You can't save anyone, least of all yourselves! ALL WILL PERISH! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" He summoned a veritable storm of fireballs and micro-meteorites, which he hurled at the brothers.

"Ha! Is that all you got?" Roxas taunted as he easily weaved and bobbed around the fiery projectiles, deflecting those too big and too close to him away with his Keyblade. "Don't you know by now meteor attacks are so cliché and overdone? Looks like you really could use a session with those VIMA guys after all!"

"And what you could really use is a meeting with DEATH!" Oberon howled, summoning the a tremendous and horrific specter, which he launched at the brothers in the form of an immense flaming skull surrounded by shrieking evil spirits.

Sora shot towards the skull like a torpedo, pressing his arms to his sides to make himself more aerodynamic. He flew right into the skull's gaping mouth…and blasted out through the other side, causing the skull to explode with a great conflagration and screams of rage. Sora summoned his Keyblade again as he hurtled through the air, the skull's explosion propelling him rapidly towards Oberon. The decaying Fae Lord gave him a gruesome smile and teleported out of the way at the last instant, causing the Heartless to collide face-first with one of the crystal cages floating about all around them. "Uffh!"

"You will have to move faster than that, I'm afraid!" Oberon crowed, floating erratically about to make himself a harder target to hit.

"Faster than light?" Roxas quipped, his whole body lighting up brilliantly and transforming into a mass of photons which zapped towards Oberon at, like he said, the speed of light. However, rather than colliding with Oberon like he expected, he passed through a transparent illusion of the Fae Lord and instead crashed into one of the crystal cages, which resulted in his light-mass form getting refracted all over the place. He was able to quickly pull himself back together before his being could be irreversibly be scattered throughout the chamber, but he had a big headache when he reformed. "Ow…what the…how the hell did you dodge that?!"

Oberon cackled, reappearing before the angry Nobody. "You will have to be faster still to defeat me!" Roxas snarled in rage and lunged forwards, lashing out at the Fae Lord with his Keyblade. His weapon struck true, cutting the elf in half…only for each half, much to Roxas' surprise, to turn into a whole new Oberon! "Wh-what?!" Roxas sliced both the Oberons apart, only for each of the pieces to transform into a duplicate of the decrepit Fae Lord. "No way!" All of the duplicates laughed at the futility of Roxas' efforts, amused by his struggle. Roxas groaned. "Not this again! I thought we were through with the stupid clones!" Much to his dismay, the duplicates started replicating themselves without his input, splitting apart again and again until there were at least a hundred withered Oberons floating about, all laughing at Roxas. And Roxas didn't much like getting laughed at.

Before the Nobody could lose his temper and do something really stupid, Sora flew over and grabbed his brother's shoulder. "Stop it, he's toying with us! He's just trying to stall us until we're all out of time and everyone dies!"

"Quite right, little darkling!" the hundred Oberon clones cried out. "And it's working perfectly, too! Your time is almost up! In mere moments, ALL SHALL PERISH! EVEN IN DEFEAT, I SHALL PREVAIL! THE ENTIRE GALAXY WILL BE DESTROYED!"

"No fucking way! Not while we're here to stop it!" Roxas snarled.

Sora nodded angrily. "As long as the two of us are still able to fight you, we've got a chance! Because if there's one thing I know in this world, one thing I can be absolutely certain of (aside from Kingdom Hearts being light and my friends being my power), it's that as long as my brother and I are together, there's NOTHING we can't do!"

"I hear that, bro!" Roxas agreed, feeling closer to his brother than ever before.

And then…much to their surprise…they started to glow. The brothers looked down at themselves in surprise. "Whoa…is this what I think it is?" whispered an amazed Sora.

The Oberons gasped in horror, all the illusions and clones fading away to reveal the single true Fae Lord. "No! It can't be!"

Roxas started to grin. "A Limit…for the two of us?! That's…that's fucking awesome!"

"NO! I WON'T LET YOU!" Oberon cried, realizing that this could ruin everything, even if there was barely a minute left on the clock. He summoned the nearest crystals to himself, telekinetically locking them together around him to form an impenetrable jagged crystalline sphere. Magical flames erupted all around the sphere, creating a crackling aura which took on the ghoulish form of Oberon's face. "I'LL KILL YOU FIRST!" Howling with rage, he launched himself towards the brothers.

"Think we can take him?" Roxas asked in a confident tone.

Sora nodded. "As long as you're with me, bro…we can take anyone." Without saying a word, he stretched one hand out towards his brother. With a fierce grin on his face, Roxas extended his free hand and took it. Their auras flared up around them at the contact.

"ROXAS!" Sora cried out.

"SORA!" Roxas echoed back.

A blinding flash of light blasted off their forms, the sheer power of their union shaking the room and knocking all the nearby crystals away. "BROTHERHOOD!"

The two brothers were surrounded in contrasting aura shells of energy, Roxas one of blazing white light, and Sora of burning black darkness. Hand in hand, totally focused and in sync with each other like never before, they turned to face the howling crystal sphere bearing down on them. Holding their Keyblades out to their sides, they shot towards the immense object, their auras leaving a brilliant energy trail behind them. "METEOR BROS.!" Flying forward at full speed, they collided with the sphere.

There was a flash of light, followed by an explosion and a deafening shockwave as the sphere was blown apart, all of the crystal cages making it up flying all over the place and crashing into the surrounding crystals, which were themselves being flung about by the force of the shockwave, smashing and colliding and rebounding off of each other as they were pushed away by the power of the explosion. It was very fortunate the cages were indestructible, and the prisoners in stasis, otherwise many of them would be dead…or at the very least, suffering from motion sickness!

Oberon gaped in astonishment as he saw Sora and Roxas hurtling towards him, his defenses blown away. "Wh…what-" He was interrupted when they barreled into him, snapping his frail spine and causing all three of them to rocket further away from the center of the Fae Lord's heart, the two brothers hacking and slashing at Oberon at unbelievable speeds with their Keyblades, hitting him again and again and getting in what had to be at least one thousand blows a second. He didn't even get the chance to scream. "INFINITY BROS.!"

Oberon got a brief reprieve when the brothers abruptly stopped moving, his forward momentum flinging him away from them…but he only got a moment's breath before they attacked again. "BUSTER BROS.!" Briefly casting their Keyblades away, they started firing rapid-fire shots of light and dark energy at Oberon, buffeting and burning him as he was hit repeatedly by the blasts, strong enough to smash through whatever feeble shielding he was able to conjure due to his limited strength. After hitting him with repeated fire for several seconds, they called their Keyblades back to them and dashed forwards. "WARP BROS.!"

Oberon flinched as they approached him at high speeds, instinctively raising his arms to defend himself…only for them to abruptly vanish. He blinked and slowly lowered his arms. "What-"

Sora and Roxas appeared behind him and struck him hard with their Keyblades, sending him hurtling away, screaming as he tumbled uncontrollably through space. He didn't tumble for long, though, as the brothers suddenly teleported ahead of him and struck him again, sending him flying in a different direction. They teleported again, intercepting his flight path and knocking him away again, only to teleport and strike him there, too…and basically bash him all over the place, playing tennis with themselves and using Oberon as the ball until he couldn't tell up from down or left from right or even recall a time when he hadn't been hurting anymore.

After the brothers tired of tennis, they teleported a few dozen meters away from Oberon as the Fae Lord struggled to regain his wits and moved on to the next phase of their Limit. "XIII SILHOUETTES!" Roxas positioned himself behind Sora and raised his Keyblade into the air, light shining off his weapon and body and illuminating Sora from behind. The Heartless Keybearer clenched his claws into fists as the light shone on him and threw his head and arms back with a howl, causing darkness to burst off him in long shadows cast by the light, resolving themselves into thirteen ghostly silhouettes. Thirteen VERY familiar ghostly silhouettes. Oberon gawked as he found himself faced not only with the two Keyblade Masters, but the black-and-white shades of every member of the infamous Organization XIII. He had no more than half a second to try to marshal his defenses before they struck.

Xemnas was the first, summoning a pair of aerial blades to his hands and dashing forwards, striking Oberon several times with his weapons and slicing off large chunks of his body before cutting the decrepit Fae Lord in half with a mighty chop, followed by teleporting away and summoning laser shots from thin air that blasted into Oberon from every direction, causing him to howl in agony as they peppered his broken body. Xemnas smirked and vanished.

Oberon barely had time to pull himself back together before Xigbar warped in upside-down and started firing bullets at him from his gun arrows, teleporting all over the place to bombard Oberon from all angles in a very painful attack not dissimilar from the one Xemnas had just hit him with. When Xigbar tagged out with a smirk and a wink, Xaldin appeared, his six lances assembled together inside a giant tornado in the shape of a wind dragon, the Whirlwind Lancer riding atop it as it dove towards the Fae Lord. Oberon cried out as the dragon collided with and blew right past him, the razor-sharp winds making up its body slicing his flesh into ribbons while the lances imbedded themselves in his chest. Oberon gasped as his flesh slowly knitted itself back together and tried to pull out the lances stuck in his abdomen, only for them to explode, blasting his chest open and sending him tumbling away with a howl of anguish.

Vexen appeared in his way, a coldly analytical expression on his face, and bashed Oberon with his shield, both flinging him away and encasing the fey in a block of ice. The ice didn't last long, though, as Zexion intercepted Oberon's new flight path and knocked him away with a swing from his surprisingly heavy lexicon, sending him hurtling towards Lexaeus, who with a single swipe of his enormous tomahawk shattered the ice encasing the Fae Lord along with every bone in Oberon's body.

The worst was yet to come, though. Saix, eyes flashing in rage and body burning with a blue lunar aura, appeared and bashed Oberon over and over again with his claymore in a berserker fury, knocking Oberon all over the place and breaking every bone in his body…again! He didn't really notice the broken bones so much, though, when Axel popped up and, with a casual smirk and a snap of his fingers, caused Oberon to be engulfed in a pillar of flames. As Oberon shrieked in agony, his flesh melting off his broken bones, Axel flung his two chakrams into the fire, the spiked wheels spinning around and through Oberon repeatedly, slicing off chunks of his burning flesh and dismembering him. The flames were extinguished when Demyx appeared and, with a swing of his sitar, sent a huge tidal wave roaring through space and smashing into Oberon, putting out the fire but also breaking his already broken bones for a third time. The musician then proceeded to play his instrument wildly, bubbles and water forms projecting off of his body and smashing into Oberon, each bursting with an explosive blast of liquid that battered his body, before finishing his song and leaping forward to smash his sitar over Oberon's head, breaking both in the process.

Oberon had only just managed to reassemble himself from that when Luxord appeared and held out a hand of cards to Oberon, their backs facing the Fae Lord. His brain addled and his ears ringing from Demyx's attack, Oberon drew one of the cards, turned it over, looked at it…and promptly was transformed into a giant card himself. Luxord chuckled and teleported away as Marluxia appeared from behind in a swirl of rose petals and slashed at the card-Oberon with his giant (pink) scythe, slicing it in two and causing Oberon to regain his true form, also split in half. Before he could put his halves back together, Larxene appeared, winked at him seductively, stuck out her tongue, and abruptly split into four clones, all of which were holding very sharp-looking knives between their fingers. Three of them dashed at him from separate angles, burying their knives in his chest as they passed by, each of which exploded in a burst of lightning that badly electrocuted the pitiful Fae Lord. He got a much worse dose of electricity, however, when the remaining Larxene smashed into him, riding atop an enormous thunderbolt, triggering a tremendous explosion which obliterated his legs and sent the upper half of his body flying away, flakes of dried blood spilling from his form as his head span and bright spots swarmed across his vision.

But it wasn't over yet. There was still one more silhouette left; and Oberon could only watch in stupefaction as the thirteenth shadow Nobody sailed towards him, twin Keyblades in hand…except it wasn't Roxas at all, or at least not his shadow, but the real thing, gliding towards him beside his brother, both their Keyblades extended. It was easy now to see why he had been mistaken, after all, they both looked so very much alike…

This train of thought was derailed when Sora and Roxas sliced through him with their Keyblades, triggering an incredible explosion of light in the shape of the Nobody sigil which totally vaporized thirty percent of his remaining body mass, which wasn't much. Now he was little more than a third of a torso, a right arm, and a head missing the skin on the left side of his face. He could regenerate it, if given time…

But Sora and Roxas, moving into the finale of their Limit, didn't plan to give it to him. Both of their auras grew stronger, Roxas' brightening as Sora's darkened. "YIN-YANG BROS.!" They flung both of their Keyblades, each one burning with their masters' respective aura, at Oberon in a twin Strike Raid. When both of the weapons were two-thirds of the way towards the listless Oberon, the brothers pointed their free hands forward, each firing an incredibly powerful beam of light and dark energy. The blasts spiraled through the air, twisting together and around each other to create an interlocking serpentine twin helix beam of light and shadow, racing across the gulf between the brothers and Oberon to catch up to the flying Keyblades. The two halves of Hellblazer buried themselves in Oberon's chest only half a second before the twin helix beam struck, the weapons channeling unbelievable amounts of light and dark energy into the Fae Lord's mangled body. There was a flash where the beams and Keyblades collided, and then…

An incredible blast of light which engulfed the entire chamber, blotting out everything other than the sound of a tremendous explosion, Oberon's screaming, and the distinctive noise of a clock being smashed to pieces.

The light faded to reveal the two brothers floating where they had been when they had fired their twin beam, panting and sweating as they tried to recover from the immense amount of energy they had put into that last attack. Oberon was nowhere to be seen. "_That,_" Roxas said after a moment, catching his breath. "Was intense. Let's do it again."

"Some other time," said Sora as he recovered from their unbelievably awesome Limit. "We did it. We stopped the Doomja thing, there aren't any timers over our heads. Or anyone else's."

Sora was right, all the death timers had vanished. "Did we kill Oberon, then?" Roxas asked hopefully.

Sora shook his head. "No. He's still alive…barely. That explosion almost totally destroyed the projection he's using to fight us…but there's just enough left of him to 'unlock' the power of Ix and free everyone he's captured." He looked away, peering further out into the heart chamber, past the crystals surrounding them. "The blast flung him pretty far away, but I can still sniff him out."

Roxas bowed gracefully to his brother. "Well then, since you know where he is, I think you can have the honor of finishing the job. I'd say you deserve it."

"Really?" asked Sora, surprised that Roxas was so easily giving up the opportunity of finishing off Oberon.

Roxas nodded. "Yes, so long as I get to kick him in the balls one more time before we get out of here."

Sora smirked. "I think that can be arranged…assuming he has any left at the moment." He gestured upwards. "Let's go."

They flew after Oberon, relying on Sora's Heartless senses to find the nearly-defeated madman, weaving past countless crystals and imprisoned, slumbering magical beings and worlds, following the Fae Lord's trail until they finally breached the outermost layer of crystal cages and found themselves in the vast, empty space that made up the majority of Oberon's heart-chamber. Since there was very little else out past this point other than themselves, it didn't take them long to see Oberon's crumbling body drifting through the air several kilometers away, like the corpse of a dead fish floating on the surface of the ocean. The brothers quickly flew over, rapidly closing the distance between them and their objective. Sora, perhaps boosted by some primal Heartless instinct which was elated at the prospect of claiming a vulnerable heart, sped off ahead of his brother, reaching Oberon while Roxas was still several hundred meters away.

If Sora hadn't been able to detect Oberon's heartbeat, he would have thought the withered, desiccated, utterly mangled and mostly destroyed body before him to be nothing more than a corpse. But he could hear Oberon's heartbeat, and smell the delectable energy it gave off, and he knew what he had to do. What he needed to do, to finally end this nightmare and restore everything to its proper place once again. He raised his Keyblade over his head, preparing to bury its tip in Oberon's heart and unlock all the magic and people he had captured…

When everything went horribly wrong. Oberon's single remaining eye flew open, and the disintegrating claw which was all that was left of his right arm snapped out, grabbing a startled Sora by the neck and pulling him closer. Roxas gasped. "SORA!" He quickly sped up, trying to reach his brother before Oberon did anything to hurt him…

But he wasn't fast enough. "Ultima," Oberon hissed through dehydrated and broken lips.

And then all Roxas could see was green.

…

"That sure was a big explosion just a little while ago," Goofy commented anxiously, scanning the crystal-filled skies around them. "Do you think the boys are all right?"

"Eh, they'll be fine," Pete said rather cheerfully, watching in delight as the revived Tinkerbelle flew happily in circles around him, fairy dust sprinkling all over the place, the little pixie exultant in the sheer joy of being alive again. "Those stupid death timer things vanished after it was done, which is definitely a good sign!" And it was an even better thing the timers had vanished when they did, there had been less than ten seconds left before total annihilation. "Besides," the cat-man-thing commented as the tiny fairy alighted on his shoulder and hugged and kissed his cheek for the millionth time in gratitude for helping bring her back. "If we could bring a fairy back to life just by clapping our hands and saying some stupid words, then I'm sure a couple'a powerhouses like Sora and Roxas can finish off Oberon!"

Sadly, but not surprisingly, Pete was wrong. This was proven when they heard another, though much smaller, explosion, and saw a flash of green light off in the distance, just barely reaching them through the dense mass of crystal cages surrounding them. As the light faded, the two animal-men and one fairy looked at each other anxiously. "Um…maybe that was them beating him for good just now?" Pete asked hopefully.

Goofy shook his head uneasily. "None of their attacks are green…"

It was at that point that something moving at ten times the speed of sound collided with their platform, shaking and cracking it tremendously from the initial impact, and causing even more tremors when the sonic booms in the falling object's wake caught up to it. The crystals vibrated and resonated as the sound waves struck them, causing the prisoners within to stir and making the crystals themselves buzz for several minutes after Pete and Goofy regained their hearing, although everything sounded a little muted and muffled and their heads rung a bit.

"What was that?" Pete asked as he slowly got to his feet, tentatively testing the ground to see if it might crumble beneath his weight, a rather reasonable fear considering how much the platform had shaken in the last few minutes and how cracked the tarnished glass all around them was.

"What?" Goofy asked, wiggling a finger in his ear.

"I said, what was that?" Pete repeated a bit louder.

"What?" Goofy asked again.

"I SAID, WHAT WAS THAT?" Pete bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"Oh," said Goofy, finally hearing him. "Good question." Pete was only barely able to hear him, but he got the gist of it. "Let's go see."

Uneasily, the trio approached the rather large crater in the center of the platform from which all the many cracks branched out from, where the falling object had crash-landed. They gasped, and Tinkerbelle jingled in horror (not that they could hear it) when they saw what had caused the impact.

Sora lay motionless at the bottom of the crater, his dark body blackened(er) as if he had been severely burnt, smoke rising off his form along with the dark mist seeping from his many, MANY wounds. All of his limbs were broken and bent at unsightly angles, his clothes were torn and shredded and virtually nonexistent, and his face was one big bruise, both his eyes so swollen that only a tiny sliver of yellow light could be seen on the bulge taking up the left side of his face. "SORA!" Goofy cried in alarm, beginning to race down into the crater to help his friend…only to hop back out, yelping and clutching his foot. Sora's crash had been so great that it had melted and then re-solidified the glass making up the platform, leaving it incredibly hot as a result.

"Oh crap," Pete whimpered. "We're really fucked now."

A determined expression on her face, Tinkerbelle rose into the air, preparing to heal Sora, no matter what the cost to herself might be…only to gasp and quickly fly out of the way as another object, moving slower than Sora had fallen but still extremely fast, descended towards them, aiming right for the prone Heartless lying in the middle of the impact crater. It was Oberon, his body fully regenerated (back to the sickened and withered form Pete had forced him to take, anyway), pointing his four Keyblades straight down at Sora, a look of sheer ecstasy and triumph on his face as he prepared to kill the Keybearer.

Goofy immediately scrambled back into the crater, ignoring how the hot floor was melting the soles of his boots, focusing only on reaching Sora and pulling him out of there before it was too late. However, Oberon was moving so fast that Goofy, even though he was only a few feet away from his friend, would never be able to get Sora out of the way before it was too late. Pete looked on bleakly, unable to do a thing…

When a streak of white flashed by them, juxtaposing itself between Oberon and Sora just before the mad Fae Lord could impale the defeated Heartless on his Keyblades…and receiving the killing blow in Sora's place.

Pete gasped. Goofy gasped. Tinkerbelle jingled in alarm. Oberon cackled gleefully. Sora's slightly-less injured eye widened as much as it possibly could, staring at the figure above him in horror. "ROXAS!" he croaked through his swollen throat and broken teeth.

Roxas, looking only slightly less burnt and beat-up than Sora, stood over his brother, mouth gaping open, eyes staring sightlessly at Oberon, who leered down at him, the Fae Lord's four stolen Keyblades buried deep in the Nobody's chest. "Well," Oberon said after a moment. "You're not the one I was aiming for, but you will suffice."

"ROXAS!" Sora screamed again, struggling to sit up despite his grievous wounds. His brother made a choked, strangling sound. His eyes rolled back in his head. His limbs tensed, then fell limp. And then…

He disintegrated, his form dissolving into nothingness starting at the feet and working its way up. His body came apart, changing from a solid mass into a shimmering cloud of white and black particles and streamers of energy, which roiled in the air above Sora.

Pete glanced at Tinkerbelle. "I don't suppose you can fix that?" She shook her head sadly. He sighed. "Yeah, that's what I figured."

The cloud swirled and dispersed, its particles falling down on the stunned Heartless. His injured black flesh greedily absorbed the essence of the Nobody, as a shocked Sora looked on. There was a flash of light, and abruptly Sora was himself again, totally Sora, a human rather than a Heartless. The Hellblazer keychain fell from his trembling fingers and clattered against the ground. Sora, not noticing that his wounds had been mended, and similarly ignoring the lessening heat of his own impact crater, got up on his knees and picked up the keychain, examining it. Much to his horror, it too was whole.

Desperately, he closed his eyes, blocking out the rest of the world; blocking out his friend's cries and Tinkerbell's jingling and Oberon's sickening laughter. He focused his attention inward, focused on finding his brother. _Roxas?_ He asked timidly.

There was no response.

_Roxas?_ He called again, a bit louder this time.

There was no response.

Sora trembled. _Roxas…Roxas, if this is a joke, it isn't funny. Please…please answer me._

There was no response.

_ROXAS!_ Sora screamed into the void at the back of his mind, the empty place that had been occupied by his brother ever since they had become one, the part of himself which was now completely and utterly silent and lifeless.

There was nothing. Nothing at all. Much like what Roxas himself had once been, back when they were still separate beings. And now it seemed as if that was all that remained of him…that Roxas was gone forever. That Sora would never hear his brother's voice again, would never be able to spend time with him, would never be able to hang out with him or play around or sleep in bunk beds or team up against Riku or eat their mom's cookies or do any of the fun things they had planned to do together.

Roxas was dead. And Sora would never have a brother again.

He became aware, peripherally, that he was crying, and that Oberon was saying something, gloating vilely over the murder he had just committed. "Now you what it is to feel sorrow," Oberon rasped. "Now you what it is to suffer, and feel loss, and weep at the death of a dearly loved one. But do not imagine, do not presume to think, that your pain can be half as great as mine, the pain of one who has lost his entire race this day. You are a mortal, and so cannot possibly comprehend the anguish at the realization that someone you loved, someone you cherished dearly, someone you had known for centuries and centuries and somehow thought would always be there…is there no more." He chuckled cruelly, and began to lift his Keyblades into the air. Goofy and Pete quickly started down towards him, but he knocked them over with but a thought, pinning them to the ground by increasing the gravity around them and making their body weight far too heavy for them to move without breaking every bone in their bodies. He captured Tinkerbelle in a glass bubble with another thought, mildly annoyed that she had somehow cheated death, but not too troubled; he would kill her for good soon enough. He would kill everyone.

But first, he would kill the Keyblade Master. "Do not fret too much, child," he crooned sinisterly as he prepared to strike. "Do not waste your tears. You shall see your dear brother again soon enough…" His body tensed. "IN HELL!"

He thrust his Keyblades forward, aiming at the crouching Sora's back. The boy was too lost in his grief to defend himself, or even care, as the deadly blades shot towards him for the final, fatal blow.

A blow that never connected.

"OBERON!" an unfamiliar voice bellowed.

Oberon halted his attack, his blades only inches away from Sora's back. His eyes were wide in amazement. He _knew_ that voice. But…no. It couldn't _possibly_ be…

Sora, snapped out of his grieving stupor, glanced up just in time to see a keyhole-shaped portal tear open at the edge of the platform, the most beautiful golden light shining out of it and illuminating everything in the chamber. As it shone on him, Sora felt his sorrow lessen. Pete and Goofy no longer felt quite as heavy, and were, much to their surprise, able to get up. Tinkerbelle fluttered up as well, her glass cage vanishing, looking on in wonder at the light. Oberon actually cringed back, stumbling away from Sora. "Who-who dares?!" he shouted. "Who are you that would interfere in Lord Oberon's business!?"

"Your business…is most certainly ours, as well!" the same voice as before growled portentously, causing Oberon to flinch.

The surface of the portal rippled, and then three figures emerged from the light. Sora, Goofy, Pete and Tinkerbelle's jaws dropped as they looked upon the three interlopers, for they were truly a sight to behold. They were clad in magnificent shining golden and red full-body suits of armor that looked like a mix between the uniform of a medieval knight and something a bit more space-aged. The suits looked lightweight but were undoubtedly extremely durable, they just had that look to them. Long capes of golden cloth trailed down their backs, their length rippling and reflecting light with every motion the armored figures made. The tallest of the three wore a helmet that looked almost like a jackal's head, with a pair of long, straight, pointed crests raising from the sides like ears, and large black visors which took up most of the front and top of his (for he was most definitely a he) armored head. The second figure, also male though a bit shorter, had armor and a helmet similar to the first, though it was smaller and stockier and the side crests of the helmet curved upward at an angle rather than being ramrod straight so they looked more like wings than ears. The third armored figure was clearly female, with slimmer form-fitting armor and a helmet with a somewhat smaller (though still large) visor covering her face and side crests like bladed wings which ran along the sides of her head and angled down past the back of her helmet. She was also the second tallest of the group, with the second male being the shortest.

One last thing to note, as the portal shut behind them: all three of the armored figures were carrying magnificent golden Keyblades, like none the heroes had ever seen before.

"Gawrsh…" murmured Goofy

Pete whistled in wonder. "Well, looks like the cavalry's has arrived! Er, they _are_ the cavalry, aren't they?" he asked Tinkerbelle, who shrugged, not knowing.

"They…have Keyblades…" whispered Sora, eyes wide with amazement. He looked down at the keychain he was holding, then back at the three figures. "Who are they?"

Oberon was trembling with fear, looking more afraid than any of the heroes could remember seeing him. "No…NO! This can't be! You three are dead! _Dead!_ I even attended your funerals! You can't be here!"

"Wrong," rumbled the tallest figure.

"Yeah," said the shorter male. "To paraphrase Yen Sid—who you _killed_--who was paraphrasing some other wise sage: in death, we became stronger than ever!"

The female took a step forward. "You have twisted and violated the power of the Keyblade and broken some of the most sacred rules we hold dear. For that, we have been dispatched to punish you."

"We are the Chasers," growled the tallest figure. "Guardians and Lawkeepers of the Keybearers, the Enforcers of Kingdom Hearts' will! And you, Oberon, who has stolen the Keyblades and abused their power for great evil, who threatened the sanctity of the Galactic Heart and slew one of Kingdom Hearts' most beloved Keybearers…" He raised his majestic-looking Keyblade and pointed it at Oberon, who blanched in fear and scurried backwards, trembling. "_You shall face justice at our hands!_"

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

And so, at long last, it has come to pass. The dread prophecy has been fulfilled, and now the Chasers may act to strip Oberon of his power. But what a terrible price to pay for such an intervention…

And what of King Dragon? Even if his master is about to be soundly schooled, the fusion monster still remains a great threat. Will the introduction of Herbimus Prime tip the scales of fate in favor of the defenders of Dark City?

And will anyone help poor Rai out?

For that, and more, such as the names of the individual Chasers and Oberon's final fate, you'll just have to come back next time. See you then.


	15. A Glorious Finale

It took me a while to start writing this. I kept getting distracted and let time slip away from me. And then school got in the way. But now it's done. The time has come.

Oberon's defeat is nigh.

…

Disclaimer: I own no characters or concepts that don't belong to me. Song lyrics for "The Touch" belong to Stan Bush and the Transformers.

…

Let's recap, shall we?

When last we checked in on our heroes, Oberon had been gravely wounded, Pete died but came back, Tinkerbelle died but came back, Roxas and Sora used an unbeatable Limit on Oberon, then Oberon killed Roxas (who had yet to come back) and prepared to kill Sora before three mysterious (and shiny) figures called the Chasers showed up, claiming they were going to punish Oberon for his crimes.

Oh, and all three of them had awesome-looking Keyblades, too. Can't forget that.

"F-face justice?!" the decrepit, nearly skeletal Oberon stammered. _"Me?!"_

"You have stolen four Keyblades, abused their power, broken the laws of magic repeatedly, and murdered a Keybearer. You are truly deserving of punishment," the largest of the three Chasers said.

"We've been looking forward to this all day," the shorter male of the trio said cheerfully. "Whupping your ass, that is. We would have been here sooner, actually, if the rules which bind us hadn't forbidden it."

"Huh, that's funny…" muttered Goofy, scratching his head. "They weren't _allowed_ to help us out earlier? What changed?"

"Roxas died," Sora said quietly. He didn't question how he knew this, he just did. "Oberon killing him must have…that's what brought them here."

His friends were quiet for a moment as they contemplated this. "Oh," Pete said after a moment. "That's…geez, that's awful. What a price to pay to call for help…"

"Gawrsh, Sora, I…I'm sorry," Goofy apologized, putting a hand on Sora's shoulder. Tinkerbelle jingled sadly and landed on his other shoulder, touching his cheek.

"Don't be," Sora said curtly, shaking his friends off and getting to his feet, turning to glare at the withered Fae Lord backing away from them, terror clear on his face. "It's Oberon who's going to be sorry."

Oberon trembled, but managed to regain some composure and bravado. "You cannot touch me here," he snarled at the Chasers. "This is my own world, my dominion! In the temple that is my body, I am the high priest and ruler! You cannot harm me here; your laws have no meaning! I have all the power!" He brandished his stolen Keyblades, gathering energy to cast a spell…

Only to cry out in pain and crumple to his knees, electricity crackling around his form as crystal pillars erupted from the ground surrounding him and a glowing blue glyph formed beneath his feet, sapping his power and sealing off his magical abilities. "No," the female Chaser corrected, her free hand surrounded with a burning blue aura as she pointed it at Oberon. "It is we who have the power now."

"You're about to enter a world of hurt, motherfucker," the shorter male snarled. "You're going to regret messing with the Keybearers…at least, until Satan finishes you off. We're going to let him have the honor of killing you after we've stripped those stolen Keyblades away…but not after we have a little fun with you first." He swiped his Keyblade menacingly through the air as he said this.

"You will penalize me for my sins…but let Satan's go unpunished?! I am not the only one who has destroyed worlds and killed mortals today!" Oberon snarled, struggling to get back to his feet. "He annihilated Narnia! Destroyed part of Disney Castle! Wiped out almost my ENTIRE race and is holding the last of my family hostage!!! You will simply let these atrocities go without retribution, even as you demand a pound of flesh as payment for mine?! You hypocrites!"

"Satan's crimes are truly heinous…but you have done far worse this day," the tallest of the three Chasers said. "You blew up Ivalice, Fairyworld, and many other worlds, drained the magic from countless others, killed or imprisoned millions, and threatened to destroy the balance of the universe. Satan may pay the price for his actions one day, but it is not for us to judge him; we leave that task to other powers. But right here, right now, you will be called to account for your deeds, and your misuse of the power of the Keyblade. You _shall _face_ JUSTICE!"_

"Whoo," said Pete, shuddering. "That sent shivers down my spine. Glad he's not talkin' to me like that. Just who _are_ these guys, anyway?"

"The Guardians of the Keyblade and Kingdom Hearts," Sora said. "The enforcers of the law of the Keybearers, and the punishers of those who break that law. They also step in to fight great evil from time to time, but only if that evil represents such an enormous threat to existence that no other hero can stop it."

"Ah," said Pete.

Goofy gave Sora a perplexed look. "How'dja know that, Sora?"

Sora didn't know either. "I just…do…"

The largest Chaser raised his Keyblade into the air. "Your time has come, Oberon. Prepare to face judgment."

"I always love this part," the shorter male commented as he brought his Keyblade up to join his larger companion's.

"It's certainly been a while since the last time, hasn't it?" the female agreed as she raised her Keyblade as well. "I don't think we've had to do this for at least a decade or two."

The tips of the three Keyblades touched. Sparks flew from the weapons as they made contact, and a ball of brilliant light formed at the point where the three blades converged. Pete and Goofy gasped as the sphere brightened and rapidly grew larger, Oberon cried out and staggered back, Tinkerbelle jingled, and Sora stared into the light unflinching, finding himself oddly unafraid of whatever was about to happen.

The ball burst in a blinding flash of light that seemed to engulf everything, swallowing them all up in its brilliance, and then…

The light faded, and they were somewhere else entirely.

"Gawrsh," Goofy whispered in astonishment, looking around in disbelief.

Pete's jaw dropped. "What…how did we…weren't we just…what the heck?! What're we doing _here?!_ Where the hell _are we?!_"

The giant, hollow chamber of Oberon's heart had vanished. So, too, had the floating crystal cages and the tarnished stained-glass platform that had served them as a battlefield. In its place, was…

A wasteland. A wide, flat desert plain running off to the horizon in every direction, without a single hill or rock or promontory anywhere to be seen. Dust blew in the wind, and a bright, hot sun beat down on them through the clouds of a dull, overcast sky. The plain was unremarkable, except…

There were Keyblades everywhere. Hundreds, thousands of key-shaped weapons of all colors, sizes, and varieties surrounded them, hilts sticking straight into the air with their points driven into the ground. They were standing in a large clearing at the center of this bizarre field of Keyblades with four paths running outwards in the four cardinal directions and dividing the field into quadrants. Oberon, who found himself standing at the very center of this clear space, looked around in horror, clearly as stunned as the heroes were to be in this place. "No…it can't be…how…how could we be _here?!_ We were inside my body…I don't even truly exist physically; I'm just a solidified personification of my own will! _How is it possible for me to be here?!"_

"All things are possible for those who wield the Key," the tallest Chaser said simply, crossing his arms. He and his two companions stood at the mouth of one of the paths, facing Oberon. "A lesson you have learned far, far too late."

"Gawrsh…lookit all the Keyblades…" said an amazed Goofy. "I didn't even know there were so many…heck, a bunch of 'em look like ones Sora has!"

"What _is_ this place?" Pete repeated. Tinkerbelle jingled in agreement, as curious and stunned as he was.

"A graveyard," Sora said, once again not knowing how he knew this. "It's a Keyblade graveyard. Every Keyblade here represents the Keybearer who wielded it in life."

"There were _this_ many Keybearers once?" whispered an astonished Pete. "Wow…heh, not to speak ill of the dead, but it's a good thing they aren't all around now…would make things tougher for Maleficent and me, you know?"

"There weren't usually this many at one time," Sora elaborated, the knowledge coming from somewhere deep inside of him. "Maybe a few dozen per generation, sometimes less, sometimes more. But then there was a war, one that almost tore the universe apart. The Keyblade War. Over three-fourths of all the Keyblades here came from the people who died in that war."

This silenced his friends. "That's…that a lot of dead Keybearers," Pete said finally, suddenly regretting the words he had spoken earlier.

"Gawrsh…" Goofy said, removing his helmet-hat. "Back at Disney Castle, we have a big memorial graveyard dedicated to all the good troops an' people that died in one of our first big wars against a rival interstellar kingdom, with one marker for every ten soldiers that died fighting to preserve our freedom. Now, I'm no good at math, but…

"I'm pretty sure there are more Keyblades here than there are markers at that memorial."

They looked at the graveyard around them, a sudden feeling of bleakness and loss washing over them as the wind blew through the standing swords, causing the thousands of Keyblades to rattle discontentedly. They sounded like the bones of the restless dead, mourning a life lost and a purpose unfulfilled. Sora idly wondered if Oathkeeper and Oblivion were somewhere in this place, marking the death of their master Roxas. If so, he didn't see them, but that was hardly a surprise…there were an awful lot of Keyblades.

"What was your point in dragging me here?" Oberon demanded of the Chasers, once more regaining some semblance of courage. "To make me feel guilt for what I have done? To feel remorse for my actions? To suddenly see the 'wrongfulness' of my actions and plead for mercy?!"

"No," said the shortest male Chaser.

"We brought you here to stand judgment for your misdeeds, before an audience of the dead; an audience made up of all the Keybearers who came before you. Most of them came by their blades legitimately, though others, like yourself, did not," the female explained.

"Before all these witnesses, you shall be tried for your crimes, and will face justice for what you have done," the tallest intoned. "So say the Chasers."

Oberon sneered. "No, I don't think so. If you'll excuse me, I'll be going now-"

They moved faster than any of them could see. Faster, even, than Oberon himself could detect. One second Oberon had been standing there, stolen Keyblades in hand, taunting the Chasers…and the next he found himself held by bonds made up from hundreds of Keyblade keychains, while the shorter male and female Chasers were holding Mickey, Kairi, Riku, and Nosimono's Keyblades. "Wh…how…how did you…" Oberon stammered, stunned by the speed at which the Chasers had moved.

"As you must know by now, the power the Keyblades hold is nearly limitless. But…seeing as you stole them the way you did, you couldn't possibly have managed to discover their real potential, could you?" the shorter male pointed out.

"You just barely scratched the surface, if that," the female added.

"Wow…that was pretty fast. I didn't even see them move!" commented an amazed, and somewhat frightened, Pete.

"I did," Sora said quietly. "If I had moved that fast…I could have saved Roxas."

"Actually," Goofy interrupted. "I think he was moving that fast to save _you._"

Oberon snarled and tugged angrily on the chains binding him, wrapped around his wrists and ankles and fastening him to the ground. "You think these flimsy bonds can hold Lord Oberon? They're not even made of iron! Even as weakened as I am now, I can still shatter these chains with but a minor exertion of my power!"

"Okay," said the shorter Chaser. "Try it."

Oberon did. He yanked and he pulled and he tugged and he stretched, and, much to his surprise, the chains held strong. "What…impossible! What manner of fetters are these?!"

"Those chains are comprised from the keychains of many of the Keyblades surrounding us," the tallest Chaser explained. "Each keychain is imbued with a portion of their fallen Keybearer's will and determination. Each Keybearer who possessed that keychain died in the line of duty protecting those who could not protect themselves. Their combined heroism and altruistic self-sacrifice is more than powerful enough to hold a selfish madman and thief such as yourself, Oberon."

Oberon's eyes widened in horror. "No. NO! THIS CANNOT BE!" he shrieked, struggling more fervently at his bonds, suddenly realizing that the Chasers were going to be able to punish him after all and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

"I am afraid that it most certainly is," the tallest corrected Oberon as the skies darkened, rumbling storm clouds coming together and swirling over their heads. "You hour of judgment is NOW!"

The ground began to shake, causing the rattling of the Keyblades to grow louder and reach a cacophonous pitch. Pete cried out and wobbled about, nearly losing his balance and knocking Goofy over. Oberon looked down as the ground buckled and cracked beneath his feet, his face frozen in a mask of dismay and terror. He screamed in alarm as the earth exploded out from underneath him and he was thrust up into the sky atop a towering pillar of rock emerging from deep underground, a pillar which rose higher and higher into the air until it loomed over the graveyard and cast a shadow over the myriad Keyblades all around it.

Oberon had barely a moment to recover and pick himself back up off the ground, to the extent his chains would let him anyway, when four smaller rock pillars rose up to surround the one he was on. Three of them were occupied by the Chasers, while the fourth held Sora, Goofy, Tinkerbelle, and Pete, who was throwing up over the side of the platform. The skies grew darker, and the world appeared to fade away, until it seemed as if the four pillars were standing in nothingness; and there was no graveyard, no desert, no anything at all. Sora thought it felt oddly familiar, like a half-remembered dream.

And then, the tallest Chaser raised his Keyblade into the air…and the clouds parted directly above them. Light, brighter but softer than that of the hot desert sun, shone down on them. The group (and Oberon) looked up, and gasped in wonder.

Floating above them, perfectly framed by the hole in the clouds, was a beautiful blue moon. A moon _in the shape of a heart_.

"Holy…" swore an incredulous Pete. "Is that…_is that what I think it is?!"_

"Sora! Sora, _isn't that…_" Goofy cried out.

"I…I think…" Sora stammered, just as dumbstruck as his friends. He felt a strange resonation, and looked down to see that the Kingdom Key had appeared in his hands, and it was glowing, as was the crown-shaped necklace hanging from his neck. _Is that…Kingdom Hearts?!_

"Im-impossible," Oberon gasped, cringing as the moon's light…its sheer, unimaginable power…shone down on him. He had felt dwarfed earlier, when he stood before the Galactic Heart. But this…this was magnitudes greater than that. Greater even than Satan. It was…

There were no words to describe what something with this much power could be. Well, there was one…but Oberon was trying very, very hard not to think it. He didn't think his shattered pride could suffer another blow like that. It was pretty much all he had left.

"Oberon!" shouted the tallest Chaser. "Before Kingdom Hearts, and the noble Keybearers who died fighting for justice and freedom in the days of yore, you shall stand trial for the crimes you have committed, for breaking the sacred laws of the Keybearers." He leveled his gaze at Oberon, glaring at the Fae Lord through his visor. "We, the Chasers, arbiters of justice and enforcers of Kingdom Hearts' will, shall judge your actions and decide what punishment will best fit your crimes."

"Don't—don't I even get a chance to defend myself?!" Oberon protested desperately, pulling on his chains for all he was worth.

"We have long passed the point where you could justify your acts," the female Chaser said coldly.

The shorter male whistled approvingly. "Ooh, harsh!"

"Wow, they're tough. Won't even let the guy get a lawyer," Goofy commented.

"Well, it's not like he deserves one," Pete pointed out. "Guess they're gonna be judge, jury, and executioner. I'm looking forward to this!" Tinkerbelle jingled eagerly in agreement. It was understandable that she'd want to see Oberon suffer, considering how he had been the enemy of her kind for years, had blown up Fairyworld, and more recently, outright killed her. You didn't forgive something like that very easily.

"Judge and jury, yes, but never executioners," Sora said abruptly. "No Keybearer can kill another. Not since the War. It's against the law."

Pete raised an eyebrow and gave Sora a wary look. "You're just a regular font of weird information, arent'cha? How do you know this stuff?"

Sora shook his head. "I don't know, I just…do."

"Wait, didn't Riku try to kill you at some point? Why'd he do that if it's illegal?" a confused Goofy asked.

"He didn't know the law. And even if he did…well, he, or rather, Xehanort, might have tried to do it anyway, regardless of the penalties, severe as they are. Just because a law exists doesn't mean people won't try to break it," Sora explained.

"Oh," said Goofy.

The moon above them pulsed, drawing the group's attention back to the 'trial' about to take place. "Let us begin," the tallest Chaser said.

The shorter male knight stepped forward, his cape swishing behind him as he confronted Oberon. "Oberon! You have been accused of abducting and absorbing four Keybearers, and stealing their powers and Keyblades to use for your own twisted ends. Of this crime, I, Ven of the Chasers, find you GUILTY!" He pointed his Keyblade dramatically at the captive Fae Lord. Energy gathered at the tip of his weapon, collecting itself and growing in power before firing at Oberon like a magical bullet, striking him in the chest and causing him to gasp in pain and jerk backwards, energy crackling through his body from the point of impact and doing…something…to him.

"Aaahh…_aaaahhhh_…what…what are you doing to me?!" Oberon cried in alarm as the pain radiated throughout his form.

Rather than answering him, the female Chaser stepped forward and glared at Oberon. "Oberon! You have been accused of abusing the power of the Keyblade (which you stole) to help rob the worlds of their magic and destroy a few outright, as well as attempting to disrupt the sanctity of the Galactic Heart, almost wiping out all life in the galaxy in the process!"

"Galactic Heart? Whuzzat?" asked Pete.

"Not something you need to know about," Sora said quickly.

"Of this crime, I, Aqua of the Chasers, find you GUILTY!" She pointed her Keyblade at Oberon, energy converging at the tip and firing towards him as a magical bullet, piercing his abdomen and causing him to hunch over, howling in pain as more foreign power crackled throughout his form.

"Aaaahhh…my body…what…what are you doing to my body?!" Oberon demanded.

Nobody answered him. Instead, the last and tallest of the Chasers stepped forward, his cape blowing dramatically behind him in the wind, his mighty frame practically pulsating with power. "Oberon! You have been accused of stealing magic…of destroying worlds and ending or enslaving lives…of threatening the balance of the universe…and finally, of slaying one of Kingdom Hearts' own cherished Keybearers, the guardians of peace and order throughout the universe! For this, and all your other crimes, I, Terra, leader of the Chasers, find you GUILTY!" He pointed his immense golden Keyblade at the bound Fae Lord and, like his fellows, fired an energy bullet at Oberon. When this projectile entered Oberon's body, the Fae Lord shrieked in agony and arced backwards, shouting and glowing as energy crackled around of and inside him and caused him to look like a man being electrified…or rather, a convict getting the chair.

However, he was not dead. As Sora had said, the Chasers were not executioners. They were as forbidden to kill other Keybearers as the Keybearers themselves, and the fact that Oberon had broken that law didn't give them the excuse to do the same thing. "Golly," whispered Goofy. "They're taking him apart! He can't even do anything about it!"

"Yeah, ain't it great?" agreed Pete. "If only I had a tape recorder! Or some popcorn! Say, I don't suppose you're the kind of fairy that can conjure up stuff like that?" Tinkerbelle shook her head. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Sora just watched as Oberon flashed and glowed and writhed in pain. He clenched his fists, a stony expression on his face as he recalled how Oberon had so cruelly cut down his brother, Roxas, just minutes ago, while trying to kill Sora himself. "He deserves worse," he said coldly.

And somehow he knew that for Oberon, the worst was yet to come.

"Is that…is that all you have?! Is this your oh-so-vaunted 'justice?!" Oberon gasped.

"No," Terra said, and it surprised all save those who knew him best to hear a tinge of regret in his voice. "This is only the beginning." He raised his Keyblade into the air and fired a beam from its tip at the giant heart-shaped moon overhead. Two more beams joined his, as his comrades Aqua and Ven raised their Keyblades as well. An energy wave pulsed out from the spot where the three beams converged on the moon's surface, and the light emanated by the giant heart grew much brighter, causing Oberon to flinch away from it and the others to feel…something…

"What's…this feeling?" Pete murmured. "It's…weird…like…like…"

"A picnic with all your bestest friends and family at the peak of summer, with perfect weather and all th' splendor of nature surrounding you…or something…a-hyuck!" Goofy said, trying to put the feeling into words. Tinkerbelle jingled in agreement, feeling the same way, like she had whenever she and Peter Pan had gone out to have fun or play pranks on Hook and his band of pirates. How odd…for some reason, Peter didn't feel so far away right then.

Sora blinked, experiencing a similar sensation. _Roxas?_ He thought cautiously. There was no reply, and he had not really expected any, but…Sora could have sworn that, just for a moment, he had felt his brother standing beside him.

What Oberon was feeling was not quite as pleasant as what the others were going through. It felt like, under the light, all his flaws and faults and selfish actions were becoming magnified and uglier, as the truth of their nature was revealed. He was actually starting to feel…regret? Guilt?—for his deeds, something that shocked him to the core. These could not be his feelings. He did not regret what he had done to the mortals and their worlds! He was Oberon, he need not justify his actions to anyone, save himself!

And yet…his actions may have been the catalyst that led to his people's destruction. Should he not feel shame and regret for that?

No! It had been Satan's doing! Satan had killed them! But…only because Oberon had kidnapped his daughter and banished the Devil King and his court back to Hell…

Confused and distraught, Oberon squeezed his eyes shut against the light, struggling between the madness and reason warring inside his mind as he tried to understand what was happening to him, and how he should be feeling. Sadly, as it had so often in recent months, the madness won yet again. "What…what are you going to do to me?"

"Oberon," Terra said solemnly. "For the crime of stealing and abusing a Keyblade—rather, _four_ Keyblades—we strip you of them and return them to their true masters, and release them from your imprisonment." The moon grew brighter again, and Oberon suddenly cried out in pain, his skin feeling like it was on fire where the light touched him. Sora felt little sympathy, recalling how he had felt when Oberon trapped him beneath the beam of that Holy spell. "But that is not all. For nearly destroying the galaxy by trying to claim the power of the Galactic Heart, and for murdering the Keybearer Roxas, we have no choice but to invoke the ultimate penalty: the greatest punishment we are allowed to deal out, used only on the vilest of offenders…of which you truly are one, Oberon."

Oberon laughed harshly. "Then why didn't you use it on Roxas? He was certainly a vile offender, if I recall correctly…did not he, too, destroy worlds and end lives?" Sora bristled, furious that his brother's murderer was speaking of Roxas that way…even if, regrettably, he knew Oberon was partly correct.

"Roxas was far from being an exemplary individual, this is true," Aqua admitted. "But he obeyed the laws of the Keybearers, even though he probably didn't know it. And in the end, he rejoined his Other, and so redeemed himself. While others may not forgive him for his actions, we certainly have."

"You, on the other hand," Ven said coldly. "Will receive no mercy."

The air behind Terra rippled, and abruptly there was a door floating there. A giant door, at least as big, if not bigger, than the one Xehanort had tried to open and the one that had appeared to take Sora and Riku to the beginning of their last battle with Xemnas.

It, like the other two doors, was an enormous double set and pure white with handles so large and so high up that only a giant could reach them, let alone use them. Unlike the other doors, it had incredibly elaborate golden filigree covering most of its surface that seemed to actually be _moving_ and forming words and signs in some long-forgotten language that, nevertheless, was almost understandable. Soft, pure white light radiated from its form, and even brighter light could be seen shining through the narrow crack just between the door panels and the frame. In addition, the door was locked, a giant jet-black heart-shaped padlock set right between the handles, with countless spiked chains spanning out from it like tentacles and wrapping themselves tightly around the door's frame, holding the beautiful portal in the cold-fisted grip of darkness. Oberon stared at it incredulously, not believing what he was seeing. "N-no…it can't be…"

Goofy, Pete, and Tinkerbelle gasped. Sora paid them no heed as all his senses suddenly went into overdrive and focused every fiber of his being on the giant door, blocking out everything else. He abruptly realized that he _knew_ this door, had always known it, even before he was born and capable of conscious thought. Everything that he was, every moment of his life, had led up to this. This door was his future, and his destiny. It was the reason for his existence.

Without even realizing it, he raised his Keyblade, pointing it right for the keyhole in the center of the malevolent dark padlock holding the door shut. _No,_ a voice whispered in his head, a familiar voice, one that he had heard many times in his dreams. _You are not yet ready._ Sora heeded the voice and lowered his arm, banishing his Keyblade. He was not upset or disappointed. He would have another chance, someday.

"That door…Sora, is that…?" Goofy asked. Sora nodded but said nothing. Goofy's eyes widened in amazement. "_Gawrsh_."

"You can say that again," Pete muttered, not taking his eyes off the door.

"_Gawrsh_," Goofy repeated.

Pete and Tinkerbelle rolled their eyes. "It was a figure of speech, Goof."

"Oh."

"That door…please…I must know," Oberon said desperately, tearing his eyes away from the beautiful, terrifying portal. "_What is behind that door?!"_

"That is not for you to know," Terra said, the hint of regret in his voice once more. "For this, Oberon, is your punishment. For killing Roxas, trying to absorb the Galactic Heart, and threatening the lives of this galaxy and the fabric of the universe…

"You shall be blinded to the light."

Oberon's mouth gaped. "NO! NOT THAT!"

Pete scratched his head in confusion. "Wait, they're gonna make him blind? That's it?! That's the big punishment?!"

"I was…I dunno, expecting something worse," commented Goofy.

Sora shook his head. "It _is_ worse. Far worse than simply losing your sight."

"Please…I beg of you…don't do this to me!" Oberon pleaded. "There must be something I can do…my crimes may have been awful, but surely I do not deserve _this!_"

"The time for repentance has passed," Terra said, shaking his head sadly. "You spurned your last opportunity when Yen Sid offered it to you, when he all but told you what Satan was doing to your people and your home. Instead, you chose to kill him and continue on your mad quest for power and magic. And so…you have brought this upon yourself.

"Remember, now and forever, that the fate about to befall you is one you could have avoided."

The door resonated like a bell; causing a vibration that made the rock pillars tremble and Oberon yelp and cower. Gradually, the light coming from the door began to grow. The lock and chains rustled angrily and exuded darkness that tried to blot it out, but the light shone through regardless, refusing to be dimmed or snuffed out. The radiance grew and grew, despite the lock's best efforts or Oberon's whimpers of fear, until there was nothing else.

Nothing but the light.

…

Dark City was truly and utterly doomed.

Pretty much every single building had been knocked down, blown up, ripped apart, or damaged in some way. All the streets were in shambles, giant footprints and fissures tearing up the pavement. The wrecks of crashed spaceships and flying machines were littered all over the place, smoke rising from their ruined shells. Big craters from all the giant explosions that had taken place in the last hour or so pockmarked the landscape. Monster blood and guts and scrap and slag from damaged giant robot parts was scattered indiscriminately throughout the broken metropolis. If it weren't for the fact that the inhabitants didn't leave corpses when they died and had mostly vacated the city on Satan's orders, there would be dead bodies everywhere.

And it was just possible that worse might happen if the only people defending the city couldn't stop the last monster that threatened it, which at the moment looked like a very strong possibility, considering said monster appeared to be completely invincible.

"This is STUPID!" Yuffie yelled angrily, pounding on the controls in her cockpit in frustration. "Things are supposed to blow up when you shoot them, not just…walk it off!"

"Ih, ih!" Stitch (who had returned a few minutes ago from being summoned by Sora, but, due to time expansion, had only been gone for a few seconds, so nobody noticed he had been missing) growled, equally frustrated. Both Radiant Rangers were letting loose at the mighty King Dragon with all their firepower, but every laser bolt, missile, and bullet they fired either exploded on impact with the fusion monster's force field or were deflected off, either coming dangerously close to hitting the other giant robots or tearing up more of Dark City. "Kitty go BOOM!"

"Ha, that's not happening anytime soon, Short Stuff!" King Dragon barked in his bizarre distorted mix of Prince John and Mushu's voices. "My new shield is one hundred percent indestructible, even more so than my last one! You aren't getting through this baby, not in a million years!"

"Oh yeah? Let's see how you like Gamabunta times twelve! Bunshin no Juutsu!" The Ninja Star Megazord made a series of rapid hand motions before blurring and splitting off into a dozen clones, each of which was riding a giant heavily-armed robot frog. The twelve ninja robots then made a second series of hand motions. "Weapon Summon Juutsu!" In puffs of smoke, several dozen animal-themed weapons appeared, floating in midair. Sockets opened up all over the clone-Gamabuntas' bodies, and the duplicated weapons immediately flew into them, locking in place and amplifying the giant frogs' power. Every Ninja Star clone then drew its sword and pointed dramatically at King Dragon. "Open fire!" they all cried at once.

The frogs did just that, firing at the dragon with every cannon they had, and they had quite a few. Stitch took that as a cue to power up all his weapons and fire at the dragon as well. While admittedly it was very frustrating not seeing anything blow up, it was still very fun to be sitting behind this much firepower and getting to see it in action. "AHAHAHAHAHA! MEEGA NALA KWISTA!"

"Sir, we can't let them have all the fun!" the still-naked Magnamon told his superior.

Alphamon nodded in agreement. "You're right, let's give them a hand! Fire main cannon!"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Giga Crusher!" Imperialdramon Paladin Mode bellowed as the dragon head on his chest opened up and fired an extremely powerful energy blast from its mouth.

"Crimson Light!" Gallantmon Crimson Mode threw his two cents in as well, or rather threw his spear at King Dragon's shield.

"Let's see how you like a taste of my ZURGARANG!" Zurg cackled as his Zurgrex ripped off the giant metal Z on its chest and flung it at King Dragon like a boomerang. His laughter trailed off when he noticed his Hyper-Hornet crew was staring at him. "What? WHAT? It's _not_ a stupid name!" He said quickly. "Don't look at me like that!"

They quickly went back to their own tasks. "Destroy Buzz Lightyear," one mumbled.

"Zurg is the greatest," another muttered back, in a tone which Zurg could have sworn was sarcastic, if he hadn't been pretty certain his robots weren't intelligent enough for that.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. "It seemed like a good name at the time…"

"Kupo! Fire Blazing Blasters and Sparkly Moogle Beambeam!" Mog ordered.

His teammates gasped. "At _once?!_" Mene squealed in alarm, as Boco squawked up a storm. "KUPOOOOOO!"

"…!" protested Frailea.

"Aye, the lass is right, we've never tried somethin' like that before, it could blow us apart!" Ivan the dwarf agreed.

"Uhhhhh." ("Oh, it probably won't be that bad,") said Umaro. "Uh uh uhaauuuuooo." ("You're all overreacting.")

"Umaro's right, kupo, you're all being silly. What's the worst that could happen?" Mog said carelessly, unaware of the doom he was about to bring upon his team.

Very reluctantly, Team Moogletron did as their commander had ordered, and brought the giant mecha's main projectile weapons online. A number of energy cannons emerged from Moogletron's shoulders, sides, knees, and the mouths of the Moomba heads, while the robot's many eyes started glowing. The mecha's pompom also started glowing with sparkly rainbow energy as it powered up. "Power at one hundred percent, kupo!" Mene said nervously.

"Kwehkwehkwehkweh," Boco squawked anxiously.

"Yes, I hope we don't blow up too, Boco," Mene whimpered.

"Ready…aim…FIRE!" Mog commanded.  
The cannon barrels, eyes, and pompom all lit up…and abruptly exploded. The robot shook as more explosions wracked its frame and electrical feedback crackled all over its body. The crew wailed as their cockpits shook wildly and all the lights dimmed and became a flashing, glaring red. "WARNING. MAIN POWER GENERATOR OVERLOAD. ENERGY LEVELS DROPPING. PLEASE LOCATE REPLACEMENT POWER SOURCE BEFORE ENERGY LEVELS REACH MINIMAL LEVELS AND AUTO-SHUTDOWN ENGAGES," Moogletron's computer informed the team.

"Kupopo!" Mene wailed, clutching his head as a panicking Boco ran back and forth in their cockpit, screeching at the top of his lungs and shedding feathers everywhere.

"Oh no…" moaned Mog.

"…" Frailea said accusingly.

"Aye, she told ye so!" Ivan snorted. "But ye wouldn't listen, now would yae? Now we're all screwed!"

"Aaaahhhhoooo ouuuuuhhhhaaaa oooooohhh." ("Oh well, at least we didn't explode,") said Umaro. More explosions shook the robot, and his teammates wailed. "Uhhhh." ("Not completely, that is.")

Speaking of explosions, there was quite a large one when all the attacks from the giant robots struck King Dragon. It was really big and flashy and impressive, as giant robot attacks tend to be. "Och, my eyes!" complained Glomgold, shielding his eyes from the glare.

"Do you think that did the trick, Mr. McDee?" Launchpad asked his former employer.

"Not a chance," Scrooge said flatly.

"Yeah, if I know anything about giant monster fights, and I do, that didn't even scratch him," Gosalyn said sardonically.

"Don't worry…once I catch my second wind, I'll be back up there with the rest of them, and King Dragon won't know what hit him!" the giant Darkwing Duck, whose hands they were standing in, said encouragingly.

"Darkwing, nobody believes that. Not even you," Gizmoduck said.

Darkwing sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Why couldn't _I_ have been the one who got turned into a giant monster?" complained Negaduck. "I'd have done a much better job of it…"

Gosalyn's prediction, unsurprisingly, turned out to be correct. The big joint attack had done absolutely no damage to King Dragon, though it had succeeded in devastating Dark City even further. "Ha, that all you got?" the fusion monster taunted. "Lemme show you punks what real power is!" He then proceeded to throw energy pearl shots, fire laser beams from his eyes, and breathe fire at the robots.

Moogletron, in the meantime, was dangerously close to shutting down permanently, and Mog knew that if he didn't find an alternative power source in a hurry, his teammates might 'shut him down' as well. "Kupo…kupo, kupo, kupooooo! There's nothing here!" he wailed to himself, scanning the shattered and destroyed skyline around him and failing to find anything that looked like it could be used to power up Moogletron again.

It was then that he noticed the damaged, broken, and pretty much totally ruined components of the Piece of Crap Megazord lying nearby. "Kupo, that's it!"

Moogletron promptly limped over to the five colorful piles of junk lying on the ground, startling the Radiant Rangers, who had been standing nearby, watching the fight against King Dragon. Cid cried out in alarm when he saw the damaged Moogletron pick up what was left of the Pink Elephant Zord. "Hey! Put that thing down! What the hell do you think you're doing with my robot?!"

"Sorry, kupo, but I'm commandeering this scrap for the use of the Trade Federation!" Saying this, Moogletron raised the Piece of Crap Megazord's torso over its head and brought it down with a crash onto its own body, Moogletron's head ripping through the top of the Elephant's chassis as the mecha pulled the ruined Elephant onto its upper body like a shirt, the sides tearing apart as they broke over Moogletron's arms. "Kupo, a perfect fit!"

Cid screamed as if in agony, while the other Rangers stared in incredulity. "AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH! MY ROBOT!" Cid howled.

"What the…what're they doing?!" Tifa cried.

"I don't know," Leon said as Moogletron then picked up the Sea Cucumber Zord and rammed its left hand down its rear, smashing through the mouth on the front and causing the robot sea creature to fit over the mecha's left arm like an oddly-shaped gauntlet, causing Cid to scream again. "But if they want that pile of junk, they can have it. It didn't help us any, after all."

"…That's very cold, Leon," Tifa scolded. "Cid spent a lot of time and effort building those!"

"He did it while drunk," Aerith reminded her.

"Oh," Tifa said. "Well…I suppose that's true."

"SOMEBODY STOP THEM!" Cid shrieked as Moogletron repeated the process it had performed on the Sea Cucumber with the Hissing Cockroach Zord, causing the insect's head to pop off as the robot's fist tore out of its neck and land somewhere nearby. "THEY'RE MUTILATING MY BABIES!"

"You made them when you were drunk," Leon pointed out.

"But I still made them! We can't let 'em get away with this!" Cid protested.

Leon shrugged. "Like I said, they can have them. They were completely useless to us anyway."

Displeased with this answer, Cid turned to Aerith for help. "Aerith, please, you gotta help me! I'll sell you my soul and everything! Just do that black magic you do so well and save my robots!"

Aerith yawned. "You know, under other circumstances I might have agreed to help you, but…you know what? It's too much fun watching you squirm." She laughed evilly as Cid screamed and cursed and jumped up and down in fury. In the meantime, Moogletron had managed to shove its legs into the Zebra and Squid Zords, crumpling the metal making them up and causing a few seams to pop, but fitting like leggings nonetheless.

"I'm sorry, Cid," Tifa said apologetically. "I know you put a lot of work into them, and must care a lot for them-"

"What? Care, nothing!" Cid spat. "Those things aren't insured for damage caused by another giant robot taking 'em apart for spare parts! If that stupid Moogle-headed thing ruins 'em all, I'm not gonna get a single bit of munny for it!" Tifa's eye twitched, and she briefly contemplated ripping Cid's head off, but decided it would set a bad example for Yuffie and the mess would be rather difficult to clean up.

Moogletron finished its scavenging by pressing the Pigeon Zord on top of its head and forcibly twisting and bending it into the form of a rather ugly helmet. "KUPO!" the robot boomed as it flexed its muscles, new power coursing through its body and crackling in the air around it.

"…" said Frailea.

"Aye lad, 'twas genius!" Ivan agreed. "Our power levels are going back up…they're at one hundred, nay, one fifty, _nay_, TWO HUNDRED! We're even stronger than we were before! I never thought I'd see the day!"

"Kupo, cannibalizing those broken robots so we could draw power from their energy reserves was brilliant, Commander!" Mene cheered.

"Yes, it was, kupo," Mog agreed. "I got the idea from Umaro's tales of how, in the icy mountains of his homeworld, he sometimes had to kill animals, gut them and eat their innards, and wear their hides to keep from freezing to death in the cold glacial wastes."

"Aaaaahhhhhuuuuoooo oaaooouuuaohao," ("I knew that story would come in handy someday,") Umaro bellowed smugly.

"Now, let's go cream that monster, kupo!" Mog declared. The robot wearing the ugly scrapped bodies of other robots triumphantly stomped off towards the ongoing battle, while Cid broke down and wept, Tifa awkwardly patting him on the shoulder. Aerith laughed and did nothing, while Leon wondered if it was too late to get different teammates.

Moogletron's new power-up had arrived just in time, the other giant fighters were badly in need of some assistance. Imperialdramon Paladin Mode's sword had been broken, Gallantmon Crimson Mode's red armor was dented and cracked and he had lost a few of his wings, the Zurgrex was missing one arm, the clones of the Ninja Star Megazord and Gamabunta had been destroyed, and the Magna Stitch Majiin…actually looked okay, only marginally more battered than it already was. And Darkwing was still out of the fight, but that wasn't a surprise. King Dragon, on the other hand, was still unscratched, and using a shard from Imperialdramon's sword to pick his teeth while scratching his back with the Zurgrex's severed arm. "Mmm…ah…oh yeah, that's just the right spot…"

"This is so humiliating…" groaned Zurg. "Good thing my insurance covers this…"

"You're a big meanie, you know that?!" Yuffie yelled immaturely at King Dragon. "Evil monsters are supposed to die when you shoot them, not just stand there! You suck!"

"Ih! Ih! Itchiba!" Stitch agreed, just as frustrated.

"Sir, this is an outrage!" Gabumon said angrily from inside Imperialdramon's cockpit. "That monster broke the weapon created from our data, is using it to pick his teeth, and Agumon and I are _still_ stuck as Rookies!" He frowned and glanced at his partner, who was currently stumbling about in a daze. "And Agumon's clearly ODing on morphine."

"No, YOU'RE OPing!" Agumon retorted drunkenly, his eyes not focusing properly as he pointed wildly about in every direction except for the one where Gabumon was. "I'm perfectly fine! Can quit whenever I want! Ooh, look at all the pretty Biyomon…" He staggered off, chasing invisible birds that only he could see.

"I'm starting to feel like taking some morphine…my head is killing me," Alphamon groaned, rubbing his temples.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon, causing Alphamon to flinch as his headache spiked.

"Perhaps a nice, relaxing poem will help you recover, sir?" Crusadermon suggested.

"That won't be necessary," Alphamon said quickly. "Duftmon, report! How much damage did we take from that last attack?"

"Not that badly, though mainly because we took evasive maneuvers," Duftmon reported. "Gallantmon's been damaged, but he's still active. Our only real problem seems to be that none of our attacks have any effect on the monster! Even if we can avoid the King Dragon's attacks, it's no good if we can't strike back!"

"Hmm…" Alphamon rubbed his chin, deep in thought. "His barrier seems to repel projectile and physical attacks…but clearly air, sound, and light can still reach him, since he can breathe, hear, and see perfectly well. I wonder…"

"Sir?" asked a puzzled Magnamon.

Alphamon sighed heavily. "We may have no choice…but to resort to our secret weapon…the one I swore never to use again, after the last time."

Duftmon blinked in confusion. "Secret-" He gasped. "NO! Sir! You can't possibly mean…"

"Not that! _Anything_ but that!" Gabumon wailed.

"Surely there has to be another way!" Magnamon cried.

Crusadermon gave an exaggerated sigh. "You are all being ridiculous. Surely there can be no harm in giving Dynasmon a megaphone and allowing him access to Imperialdramon's public address system."

"WHAT?!" UlforceVeedramon yelled, breaking out into a cold sweat. "I MUST HAVE HEARD WRONG DUE TO MY STILL BEING SOMEWHAT DEAF, I CAN'T _POSSIBLY_ HAVE HEARD SOMEONE SUGGEST WE GIVE DYNASMON A MEGAPHONE AND ACCESS TO IMPERIALDRAMON'S PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM, NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME!"

"My cousin is right; we can't go through with a plan this insane!" Magnamon agreed. "It's just too dangerous!"

"And why shouldn't we?" Crusadermon argued. "After all, the last time we tried it, it helped greatly in eliminating the Heartless from our world."

"It also killed millions of innocent Digimon, causing their brains to explode from excess cerebral hemorrhaging triggered by Dynasmon's horrible singing being amplified and broadcast around the world!" Gabumon pointed out.

"They were reborn eventually," Crusadermon said dismissively.

"Many without hearing!" Duftmon pointed out.

"And most of those who still can hear go into hysterics whenever they see Dynasmon or hear the word 'megaphone'," Magnamon added. Agumon was going into hysterics over in the corner, but it was debatable whether it was a result of hearing 'megaphone' or just because he was in the throes of a morphine-induced hallucination.

"Please reconsider, sir! You swore never to use that attack again, not after all the ruin it brought the last time!" Gabumon pleaded to Alphamon.

Alphamon sighed in exasperation. "I know, but we may have no choice! Dynasmon's voice may be the only weapon we can use that's capable of penetrating King Dragon's shield! Even if it doesn't outright kill him or destroy his hearing, it might still stun him or bring down his force field, effectively neutralizing his threat!"

"It could also kill our allies and destroy what little remains of Dark City!" Magnamon pointed out. "They're not as used to Dynasmon's voice as we are! They could be killed or deafened within seconds of hearing it, rather than just suffering extreme discomfort and temporary loss of hearing like we do!"

Alphamon shook his head. "Not necessarily. You see, even though I swore never to use such a destructive weapon again after witnessing the widespread devastation caused the last time we used it, I knew that we might run into a situation in the future that would force me to break my promise. However, to ensure that a disaster like the last one would never occur again, I had Craniummon design and construct a 'sonic projector cannon', which was installed in Imperialdramon along with some of his other latest innovations, such as the faxportal or the telepathic coffee machine that makes the coffee of your choice by reading your mind and finding out what flavor and temperature you prefer. This cannon not only amplifies any sound processed through it, but, working on the same principles of ventriloquism, is capable of 'projecting' the sound on a high-frequency beam to a specific target, minimizing the danger of other people hearing it. Using this cannon, we would theoretically be able to project Dynasmon's song directly into King Dragon's ears, so that only he and nobody else could hear it, thereby incapacitating him without risking the lives and hearing of others."

"That's brilliant, sir!" Magnamon cried.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"But then the world will be denied the joy of hearing my beloved's song!" Crusadermon protested.

"Pure GENIUS!" shouted Gabumon.

"One of the cleverest ideas you have ever had, sir, if I do say so myself!" Duftmon added enthusiastically, causing Crusadermon to pout and decide to write a cruel poem mocking all of them.

"It is indeed clever, sir…however, I'm afraid it won't work," Craniummon said apologetically.

"What?!" Alphamon exclaimed.

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"What the…Craniummon, what are you doing up here? Weren't you put to work in the engine room, under Dynasmon's harsh supervision?" asked an angry Duftmon.

"Oh, I escaped," Craniummon said nonchalantly.

"Craniummon, what do you _mean_ it won't work? You designed it yourself!" Alphamon demanded.

"That's true, allow me to rephrase my previous statement. The _cannon_ will work, but the attack will not," Craniummon elaborated.

Alphamon gave him a stunned look. "What? Why?!"

"Do you recall that one time KingEtemon took over the 'Digimon Idol' reality TV show to find out which Digimon had the greatest chance of threatening his self-proclaimed title of 'world's greatest singer', so he could eliminate him or her?" Craniummon asked.

Alphamon grimaced. "Unfortunately, I do…"

"Oddly enough, that season was one of the best ones of all time…" Magnamon muttered.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

Crusadermon fumed angrily. "I can't believe I didn't win…the entire season had to have been rigged!" She frowned. "Although…that doesn't explain why I lost every other time I tried to compete on that show…"

"I'm too sexy…too sexy for my armor…too sexy for my undergarments…too sexy for my…something something…" Agumon sang giddily. "Oh so sexyyyyy…"

Gabumon groaned. "Agumon, please stop singing…we're not on that show right now…"

"Why are you bringing this up?" asked a puzzled Alphamon.

"If you will recall, sir, Dynasmon competed in that show, going undercover to try and defuse KingEtemon's plot. Whenever it was his turn to sing, KingEtemon was the only judge who didn't think Dynasmon had an awful voice," Craniummon recollected.

"My beloved does NOT have an awful voice!" Crusadermon insisted. They ignored her.

"Where are you going with this?" asked Alphamon with a frown.

"Well, sir, it's like this…it's universally known that KingEtemon is an awful singer, but thinks he's the greatest there ever was, and denies all evidence to the contrary. Similarly, Dynasmnon is an awful singer, but believes he's great, and denies all evidence to the contrary," Craniummon explained.

"Dynasmon IS great!" Crusadermon insisted. They ignored her.

"Now, as I've already said, KingEtemon actually thought Dynasmon was a good singer. Dynasmon, at one point, told me that he secretly thought KingEtemon was a pretty good singer, but he wasn't nearly as good as he was, so always downplayed his music just like the rest of us whenever we talked about him," Craniummon continued. "This has led me to theorize that overly egotistical people who deceive themselves about how good their singing is are incapable of recognizing other overly egotistical singers who have horrible voices as being bad at singing, other than in comparison to their own voices. Now, if you will recall, King Leo and Mushuzilla demonstrated some truly awful singing during their horrid 'Fusion Dance,' which Dynasmon seemed to think was pretty catchy. If my theory holds true, and if King Dragon retains the same musical tastes as his component parts, then-"

"Then blasting him with Dynasmon's singing might have no effect whatsoever," murmured Alphamon, a horrified look on his face.

"Or, even worse…" Craniummon said, his voice lowering to a whisper of dread. "It could make him _stronger._"

They all shuddered, except for Crusadermon, who thought they were being ridiculous and unfair to her lover, and UlforceVeedramon, who yelled, "WHAT?"

"If that is the case…then it seems we truly are doomed. What hope can there possibly be, if not even Dynasmon's voice can vanquish this foe?" Alphamon asked with a sigh.

Outside, King Dragon was getting bored of playing around. "You losers suck," he growled. "I'm getting tired of this. I'm just going to kill you all right now, then destroy what's left of this pathetic city!"

"No way! He can't do that, can he?!" asked a startled Gallantmon.

"He's totally bluffing!" Yuffie scoffed.

"Ih, bluffing!" Stitch agreed.

"Oh, you think so, do you?" King Dragon sneered. "Well, get a load of this!" He pointed an index finger into the air, and, much to their surprise, a giant energy ball formed in the sky high above them and quickly swelled up to enormous proportions, becoming larger than King Dragon himself as it hovered ominously overhead. "Let's see if your stupid frog can eat THIS baby!"

"Of course he can eat it! Right, Gamabunta?" Yuffie asked her frog. There was a pause. "RIGHT, Gamabunta?" The robot amphibian gave a nervous ribbit and shrugged, eyeing the giant ball with a great deal of anxiety. "Aw, crap…"

"Gwahahaha! Time to die, losers!" King Dragon crowed. He leapt into the air, his serpentine body twisting and undulating as he flew up to the giant energy ball and planted his hands underneath it. Ignoring the many projectiles and energy blasts the robots below were desperately firing at him, King Dragon hefted the energy ball over his head with a mighty grunt. "Okay…here…we…GO! RAAAAHHH!" With a snarl of fury, he hurled the explosive orb of death at the city's defenders.

"…Well, I guess this is it. Fuck, and I haven't even lost my virginity yet. This bites," Yuffie complained.

"Bollocks," Stitch agreed, fuming.

"Nooo! I haven't even managed to establish my galactic empire yet!" moaned Zurg. "This bites!"

"All hail Zurg?" questioned one of his Hornets.

"No, I rule several _systems,_ not a _galaxy,_ so it's an interstellar empire, not a galactic one," Zurg explained to the robot, who nodded in understanding.

"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" screamed Magnamon, running about the control room in a panic and flashing everyone.

"Calm down, Magnamon! Even if we do die, we'll probably be reborn in the Digital World eventually!" Gabumon called to the panicked warrior in an attempt to cool him off.

"But we're nowhere _near_ the Digital World!" Magnamon replied. "What if our data gets lost in space or eaten by a Heartless or black hole or something! Then we'll be dead for real!"

There was a long pause as they all considered this. Then, everyone started screaming, except for Alphamon, who wisely decided to put in earplugs, and UlforceVeedramon, who yelled, "WHAT?". Gallantmon, who could hear them all losing it over his commlink, winced and for the thousandth time thanked the Programmer that he had long ago found an excuse to keep from staying cooped up inside of Imperialdramon with his nuttier comrades, otherwise he would have lost his sanity years ago.

"This is Scrooge McDuck to the _Munny Bin_, beam us all up!" Scrooge desperately cried to his main ship in orbit. "What? What do you _mean_ you're not in range for teleportation yet?! What do you think I _pay_ you people for?!" He glared at Glomgold, who was laughing at him. "What do ye think's so funny, Flintheart? If my ship can't beam us up, you're dead too!"

That put a stop to the old miser's mirth. "What? No! I can't die yet! I'm too young, there's so much I still haven't done with my life!" he protested.

"Dad, is this really the end?" Gosalyn asked her father timidly.

"It can't be, I haven't killed anyone yet!" Negaduck growled angrily.

Darkwing nodded. "He's right, honey, we have nothing to worry about, I'm sure something will save us at the last minute in a dramatic but contrived moment. That's how these things work."

Gizmoduck nodded. "I would do it, but my suit's still somewhat busted thanks to the self-destruct maneuver I pulled off to destroy Xerxes and save Darkwing."

"Don't self-destructs usually leave people a bit more…I dunno…destroyed?" asked a confused Launchpad.

"On any person wearing a lesser Gizmosuit, perhaps," Gizmoduck said proudly. "But not mine!"

"Ah," said Launchpad.

As it turned out, Gizmoduck and Darkwing were correct. Just before the energy ball could blow them all away, the new and improved (sort of) Moogletron leaped into the fray, flying over their heads on a collision course with the destructive orb. With a mighty "KUPO!" the robot hero of the Trade Federation delivered a powerful blow to the energy ball, punching it hard enough to reverse its trajectory and send it flying right back at King Dragon, whose eyes widened in alarm.

"Oh, crap-"

KABOOOOOOM!

While the explosion didn't actually hurt King Dragon, his force field protecting him once again, it did manage to send him flying. He crashed down a mile or two away from the other robots, bounced, skidded, and smashed through several ruined buildings. It didn't hurt him, but he was slightly dazed from all the tumbling and spinning, and there was a faint ringing in his ears. "Ooohh…somebody answer the phone already…"

"Hooray, we're not dead!" Gosalyn cheered enthusiastically.

"Oh good, I didn't want to die," said a relieved Launchpad.

"See, what'd I tell you?" Darkwing asked smugly.

"That's one hundred more munny you owe me," one of Scrooge's bodyguards said to Glomgold, who cursed and spat and jumped up and down angrily.

"Darn, we're still alive…er, I mean, thank goodness we're all still alive," Alphamon corrected himself quickly, inwardly groaning since it meant he'd have to continue working with the rest of his Royal Knights, the majority of whom were imbeciles.

Gallantmon frowned as he examined the mecha that had saved them. "My armor's much better than that…" he muttered.

"Thanks for saving us, Moogletron!" Yuffie called out to the Trade Federation robot as it landed nearby. "But, uh…is that new armor you're wearing made from the parts of the Piece of Crap Megazord?"

Moogletron looked down at the armor it was wearing. "Yes, kupo," Mog replied.

"Oh, okay, I was just wondering," Yuffie said cheerfully.

Cid ran up to one of Gamabunta's feet. "Yuffie, kill that robot! It stole what was left of the Combo Megazord, and now I'm never gonna get my deposit back!"

"Mmm…nah, I don't think so," Yuffie said with a yawn. "I would have destroyed that pile of scrap anyway, if somebody else hadn't beaten me to it."

"Ih, me too!" Stitch agreed.

"Kupo, we're sorry for ruining your already completely ruined robot," Mog said apologetically. "The Trade Federation is willing to compensate you for it, though."

"Oh, is that so?" Cid asked, immediately calming down. "How much?" The other Rangers, who had just caught up to Cid, rolled their eyes.

"Has anyone seen my arm?" Zurg called out as his robot stomped about, searching the area. "I sort of need it; my giant robot's battle proficiency is significantly decreased without it!" The Magna Stitch Majiin, which had been about to eat the Zurgrex's missing arm, quickly hid it behind its back, a sheepish expression on its metallic features.

It was at that point that a rather angry King Dragon returned. "Okay, now you made me REALLY mad! Get ready for some PAIN, you stupid little-" He was interrupted when a volley of rockets and bombs struck him, blotting out his words with a deafening explosion. Those explosives were followed by lasers. Then missiles. Then more missiles. Then some other lasers. "Ow! What the-"

The others looked up and almost wept with joy when they saw a huge array of battleships of all shapes and sizes, from fleets ranging all over the galaxy, floating overhead, blasting away at King Dragon. "It's the ships in orbit! They've finally finished making their repairs and gotten back here!" Gosalyn cried.

"It's about time!" snarled Scrooge. "They only get here _now_? We could have used them just a few minutes ago! We were nearly toast! I'm going to need to have a few words with my engineers and captains about this…"

The mixed flotilla above them, which had been rendered pretty useless in previous fights, eagerly blasted away at King Dragon, trying to make up for lost time. The Disney fleet, which had suffered by far the least casualties despite coming under the heaviest attacks by the berserk Heartless and Nobody ships, led the charge under the command of Admiral Rebecca Cunningham. The Trade Federation ships, led by Commodore Stiltzkin, hit the fusion monster with some of the finest weapons available on the galactic market, produced by expert Moogle craftsmen and their contemporaries. Scrooge McDuck's flagship, the _Munny Bin,_ fired salvo after salvo, the crew well aware that their employer was below and just might be making quite a few layoffs if they couldn't justify the expense and how long it had taken them to get there. (Glomgold had brought ships with him too, but they had all been tragically destroyed because the cheapskate hadn't provided them with the best defenses and weaponry munny could buy.) Shere Khan's ships fought with an even greater ferocity, not because they were afraid of what their employer might do to them, but because the captains of most of the tiger entrepreneur's vessels were former air and space pirates that had been lured away from a life of crime for the more lucrative and legal forms of dirty dealings one could always find working under a wealthy businessman. The Space Rangers and their arch-foes in Zurg's legion found themselves in the odd position of working together for a change against a common enemy, both firing at King Dragon from their ships and launching rangers and Hyper-Hornet drones to pester the monster at close range. Zurg wasn't sure how he should feel about this. ("They're working together! But, but that's not how it's supposed to be! I mean, yeah, I suppose it's rational, but…ugh, I just don't know.")

The Space Rangers and Zurg's ships weren't the only archenemies forced to work together. The fleet contingents from Dalmasca and Archadia, temporarily under the command of Captain Basch, had put aside their differences for the moment in the name of Ivalice and their missing leaders to fight a common enemy. (They had no idea that Ivalice was, at the moment, completely and totally destroyed.)

And, speaking of enemies working together, not long after the joint bombardment had begun, a pair of pirate ships flew in to join the fray, energy sails glowing brightly and antigrav engines working overtime as they circled King Dragon and fired repeatedly at it with all their broadside cannons. "Bet I can take this ugly thing down before you, Hook," Jack Sparrow challenged amiably from the bridge of the heavily retrofitted and modified _Black Pearl._ "I have a few new anti-giant monster weapons I've been _dying_ to try out."

"Ha! As if!" Captain Hook retorted from the helm of the heavily-armed warship _Jolly Roger III_ as he savagely ordered his robot crew about (sadly reduced in numbers, since the Heartless members of the pirate band had up and vanished a little while ago.). "I'll be feasting on this thing's heart soon enough, just as I feasted on Peter Pan's not too long ago, just you wait and see!"

"…Ah, ew. I thought you were a cyborg, not a Heartless," said a rather disturbed Jack.

"I'm not, but I've picked up a few eating habits from them," Hook admitted. "And I was referring to the more bloody, organic kind of heart, not the pink sparkly variety."

"Oh, okay then."

"Hey, it's that guy who stole my armor!" Magnamon yelled angrily. "Let's get him!"

"Not now, after the battle!" Alphamon said sternly.

"Wow…look at all those ships…and all that gunpower in action! It's awesome!" Yuffie commented.

"Ih! Awesome!" Stitch nodded in agreement, feeling strangely unsettled. An odd thought came to him. Hadn't he been commander of a fleet at some point? He couldn't really remember, he just had a vague recollection of sitting in the captain's chair of an enormous red battleship, a battleship he had ended up modeling (or having Cid model) his Zord's vehicle form on. Stitch wasn't really certain, though. Much of his past was shrouded in mystery, possibly as a result of his world being destroyed by Heartless at some point and causing him to wind up in Hollow Bastion. His original world might have come back by now, but he couldn't remember enough of it to go back to it; even Merlin's attempts to penetrate the fog encircling his memory hadn't borne much success. He only had a few certainties about his past, garnered from brief and fleeting flashbacks; that he had been created as an evil experiment but turned to good, had lived on a beautiful tropical island, had had an enormous family, and that his best friend had been a very happy (though odd) little girl who lit the world up with her smile. And that he liked fighting. And weapons, and blowing things up. And very powerful sleek red vehicles. And had also been a big Elvis Presley fan.

And now he knew, apparently, that he had been in charge of a fleet, or at least a battleship. What else had he been? What else of his past was still hidden from him? It frustrated him to no end that the barrier preventing him from learning more was inside his mind, and so was something that he couldn't tear down with brute force or raw firepower…not without giving himself a big headache, anyway.

"Just look at those warships! Ohhh, what I wouldn't give to take a good look at the insides and engines of one of those!" Cid moaned.

"Would it help you make better ships and less crappy Zords?" Aerith asked coolly.

"Yes!" Cid said enthusiastically, for once not minding her slights at his technical skills. He would later, but not right now.

"You know, maybe we should start a serious military program back home when this is over," Tifa suggested. "So that we won't have to be the only people fighting to protect Radiant Garden. It doesn't mean we can't still be the big heroes," she said quickly, worried Leon might object. "But we should help everyone else become prepared for threats too, right?"

"…Hmm. I suppose so," Leon admitted, deep in thought. To be perfectly honest, he had been considering the same thing. He even had a name in mind for said training program…he thought 'SeeD' had a nice ring to it.

The crew of Moogletron sighed happily upon seeing the Trade Federation ships above them. "It does a Moogle good to see our tax munny at work! Puts me in a patriotic mood, kupo!" commented Mog.

"Uouououoa aaaaaahhhhooou," ("It puts me in a hungry mood,") complained Umaro.

"Wow…I wonder what it would be like to fly one of those…" Launchpad said, looking up at the many ships with awe.

"Let's not, we have enough things to worry about without getting ulcers," Darkwing said anxiously.

Scrooge nodded uneasily. "Aye, just the thought of Launchpad at the helm of one of me new ships puts an ache in me wallet…"

"Alphamon, sir, why don't we have a fleet?" Magnamon complained.

"We don't need one, we're a single extremely powerful team of superheroes, not an army," Alphamon pointed out. "And we have our own vehicles, too; Imperialdramon, Grani, and a few others. Other than our subordinates and personal armies, what more do we need?"

"A theme song!" Agumon suggested. They stared at him. "I just thought of it now! Oh, Royal Knights, defending the Digital World with their Royalness, even though they're not actually royalty at all, just some guys in armor, Oh Royal Knights…" Everyone else groaned and shook their heads.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Well, at least it's not Dynasmon who came up with a theme song…" Duftmon muttered.

"Perhaps I should try and concoct one instead," Crusadermon suggested, causing everyone to groan again. "It can't be that difficult, if a plebe like Agumon can do it…"

"Speaking of Dynasmon, that reminds me…how exactly are we still running at full power if only he and Sleipmon are still in the engine room, Craniummon?" Alphamon asked the brainiest of the Knights.

Craniummon shifted a bit. "Well…"

Down in the engine room…

"Must…have…megaphone!" Dynasmon cried, running on the treadmill and stretching his arms out towards a shiny brand-new megaphone dangling tantalizingly out of reach. "So…shiny…and beautiful!"

Sleipmon shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Idiot…" he muttered, still running as fast as he could to reach the bunch of carrots dangling a few inches out of his grasp.

Back in the control room…

"You're tempting him with a megaphone?!" cried a horrified Alphamon.

"Oh no, don't worry," Craniummon reassured his leader. "I removed several vital components…it won't work at all."

"Oh, thank goodness, that's a relief," said Alphamon with a sigh.

"Oh, Royal Knights, so brave and true and heroic and stuff," Agumon continued singing badly. "Fighting evil fearlessly, except for Magnamon who's a wuss, and Dynasmon who's a jerk, and Duftmon who smells real badly, and Craniummon who hides behind his shield and numbers…"

"HEY!" Duftmon, Magnamon, and Craniummon yelled angrily.

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"Hmm…it has promise, but…perhaps if I…" Crusadermon muttered to herself, quickly scribbling out notes as she tried to compose a better theme song than Agumon's.

Alphamon groaned and put his face in his hands. "It's times like this I wished I had an excuse to fly outside, like Gallantmon…"

"Graaahhh! Cut it out!" King Dragon yelled angrily, getting buffeted about and somewhat dizzied by the continuous attacks and explosions hitting his force field. "Ugh…how'm I supposed to cream you if I can't see anything?! You're not even giving me a chance to attack! This is so lame!"

Everyone's communicators crackled, and suddenly a familiar, strong voice came on the air. "This is King Arthur," the ruler of New Camelot declared. "We have finished restoring functionality to Maleficent's castle and are about to bring its weapons to bear on King Dragon. We highly recommend all attacking units and ships fall back to a safe distance so as not to get caught in the line of fire or estimated impact zone, which the statisticians over here have calculated to be very large indeed."

"In other words: get the heck out of there, kupo!" Montblanc yelled over the same line.

"Your lives are more important than harming that monster; pull back!" Basch added.

"Withdraw, withdraw!" Commander Nebula bellowed.

"Don't need to tell us twice. Let's move!" Zurg ordered his minions. The Zurgrex quickly ran away from the battlefield, followed by his Hornet drones and battleships.

"You heard the Clan Leader, let's get out of here, kupo!" Mog ordered the rest of the team. Moogletron launched into motion and quickly flew away, following the other retreating Trade Federation ships.

"Run away!" Yuffie cried, cueing Gamabunta to start hopping away at top speed.

"Hey, wait for us!" Tifa yelled frantically, the Rangers quickly running after the ninja. "We don't want to be left here to get blown up with everything else!"

"Stitch, help us out!" Cid yelled to Stitch, whose robot was nearby.

Stitch considered just leaving them for a moment, until Aerith said, "If you do, I'll make it worth your while." That was all the compulsion he needed to snatch them up in his metal arms and carry them away.

"Dad, run faster!" Gosalyn urged her father.

"I'm moving, I'm moving!" Darkwing panted, covering as much ground as he could, which was a lot because he was a giant at the moment. "Still not fully recovered from that last hit…pant, pant"

"If you need any extra incentive…Flintheart will pay you an extra ten thousand munny if you get us all out of here unharmed!" Scrooge declared.

"What?! I most certainly will not! I'd rather die than give that extortionist any more munny!" Glomgold snapped, going red in the face.

"Well, all right then," Darkwing said, slowing down significantly.

The old miser panicked. "I'll give you ten thousand! Ten thousand!" Glomgold screamed.

"Okay." Darkwing sped up.

Negaduck's eye twitched. "I don't believe this…when this is all over, my goody-goody 'twin' will have gotten more munny in a day than I have in the last month! And he didn't even have to commit any crimes to get it, other than extortion! How unfair is that?! I'm the dishonest, lying, cheating crook here; _I_ should be the one getting all that moolah!"

Darkwing rolled his eyes. "You can have five percent of whatever I get at the end of all this if you just quit whining already."

"Shutting up," Negaduck said quickly.

"Sir, why are we running away?" Magnamon asked Alphamon as Imperialdramon and Gallantmon rose into the air and flew away from King Dragon as fast as it could, which was very fast indeed. "It seems a little cowardly."

"There's nothing cowardly about not wanting to get blown up," Alphamon replied flatly.

"Oh, bravely, bravely the Royal Knights fled, they bravely ran away, lalalala something something they escaped, how very, very braaaaave," Agumon sang deliriously.

"Shut up, Agumon," Gabumon grumbled.

"That gives me inspiration for a new poem…I love it!" Crusadermon said happily. She shoved her notes on the Royal Knights' theme song to the side and began composing a poem celebrating the many battles the Royal Knights had courageously run away from.

Alphamon groaned and put his face in his hands. "There are some days when I wish _I_ could run away from all this…"

"Sir, if you did, there'd be nobody who could take your place and adequately lead the rest of us," Craniummon pointed out.

"There's Omnimon," Alphamon said without looking up. "He's responsible. Or Gallantmon, everyone likes him."

"That's right, we do," agreed Duftmon, who had been eavesdropping.

"WHAT?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"Sir, like it or not, you are destined to lead the Royal Knights; Imperialdramon Paladin Mode (our founder, not to be confused with the one we're riding in now) chose you out of all of us to lead the team! While Gallantmon may be very popular, you're more powerful than all of us!" Craniummon insisted.

Gabumon nodded. "That's right! You posses the incredible though poorly named Alpha-Gain Force, something none of us have! And more than that…you also have a great heart, and truly care about the rest of us! Well, most of us, anyway."

"'If I only had a heart,'" Agumon sang poorly, imitating the Tin Woodsman.

Magnamon nodded in agreement. "That's right, if you had seen me hanging from Imperialdramon's tail, you would have got me down right away, rather than taking forever to do it like Gallantmon!"

"I don't think that's the best example, Magnamon," Gabumon warned him.

"Well, you have to admit one thing sir, life would certainly be boring without us!" Duftmon said cheerfully.

Alphamon groaned, and the others glared at the leopard warrior. "Not helping," Gabumon hissed.

"And don't forget your ultimate attack, the weapon named Ultimate War Blade Dragon King Sword!" Magnamon added helpfully. "None of the other Knights have an attack name nearly as long, so you _have_ to be our leader!"

Alphamon sighed. "I'm not sure I follow the logic…Maybe I should think of changing the names of some of the things related to me before I consider quitting…that'll certainly relieve a bit of stress."

"Sounds good," Duftmon said. "While you're at it…can I change my name, please? So people will stop making fun of how I smell?"

"That won't help, you'll still smell as horrible as ever, until you take care of your demanding hygienic issues," Crusadermon said casually as she continued writing a new sonnet. "Eureka, another idea! I shall compose a poem entitled _Duftmon, the Smelly Kitty,_ and distribute it to all the children of our world, so that they shall sing it whenever you walk by until you take a proper shower, haircut, and groom yourself more carefully! Through peer pressure, the most outstanding negative trait you possess will finally be eliminated! I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!"

Duftmon's eye twitched. "Can I kill her? Please?"

"No," Alphamon said wearily. "Then we'd be down to nine Royal Knights instead of ten. At that rate, we'll never get back up to a proper thirteen. And aside from that, we'd fail to meet our organization's affirmative action requirements if we didn't have at least one female member on the team."

"Huh? Hey, where's everyone going?" asked a puzzled King Dragon as he saw all the ships and giant robots flying away. "What, don't any of you want to play with me anymore?" He frowned, squinting off into the distance. "And hey, what's with that glow surrounding Maleficent's cast-"

_Shew!_

BA-BA-BAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!

An enormous mushroom cloud rose several miles into the air from where King Dragon had just been standing.

"Oooh…." Whispered an awed Yuffie.

"Pretty…" Stitch drooled.

"Dad, why doesn't Mom have a magical flying castle armed with world-shattering spells and weaponry?" Gosalyn complained.

"Because the city zoning laws would never allow it," Darkwing said gruffly. "I'm amazed they let her get away with that weird mansion of hers, considering that it defies the laws of physics and architecture and seems to have trouble staying in one place for any given length of time."

"Incredible…what I wouldn't give for a weapon like that," Zurg said enviously.

"Kupooooo," purred an amazed Mog.

"Yes! A direct hit!" Commander Nebula cried ecstatically. The other world leaders, warriors, and technicians crammed into the command center they had commandeered in Maleficent's castle cheered enthusiastically.

"Fascinating…I had no idea this vessel was so powerful…" observed Shere Khan demurely, observing the devastation caused by the blast they had fired on one of the center's numerous monitors.

"Do you suppose…I mean…" Mulan bit her lip. "That didn't kill Mushu…did it?"

"I'm sure he'll be all right," Shang told her reassuringly. "He's a very tough little dragon. He's survived his share of enormous explosions before."

King Richard sighed heavily. "Brother…please be all right…if you're dead, how'm I going to kill you for stealing my throne?!" The nearby Robin Hood grimaced.

"I almost didn't think we'd make it," Captain Basch confessed quietly to Montblanc.

The Moogle Clan Leader nodded in agreement. "I know what youse means, kupo. This baby's systems were pretty badly trashed, both by Oberon and whatever hacker messed it up earlier. Kupo! If we hadn't had technicians from the Trade Federation, the Disney Kingdom, Archadia and Dalmasca, the Space Rangers, hell, from just about every space-faring faction represented here, as well as some assistance from some of the Royal Knights' Digimon and that Tron guy in Radiant Garden, we might not've been able to get it working at all. Chalk it up as a victory for interspecies cooperation, kupo!"

"Well done, everyone!" Arthur congratulated the many tired but overjoyed people in the room. "We could not have done this if we had not put aside our fears, doubts, and uncertainties towards each other, and so worked together against a common enemy! This is a great triumph for our peoples, and a giant step towards an interstellar union the likes of which the galaxy has never seen before!" There were more cheers at this, the Fisher King's infectious optimism and joy spreading to everyone in the room.

However, while everyone else was exultant, there were two in the room that were not. "That didn't finish him, did it?" Goliath asked.

Merlin shook his head sadly. "No. The worst has yet to come."

He was right. Everyone's cheering was cut short when a fuming mad King Dragon snaked out of the incredibly wide and incredibly deep crater that had been blasted open by the castle's attack. "OKAY, THAT'S IT!" he roared. "NO MORE MESSING AROUND!" He laughed evilly. "That attack almost penetrated my shield…but ALMOST AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH! So, you know how I'm gonna repay you losers?" He started glowing ominously. "I'm gonna KILL YOU ALL! HAAAAA! SUPER SAIYAMAJINN POWER UP WITH EXCESSIVE YELLING AND HAIR GROWTH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Surrounded by a glowing golden aura, King Dragon started getting impossibly bulked up and his hair grew ridiculously long and spiky. Everyone stared in disbelief.

"Oh, COME ON…" Zurg groaned.

"Well, that's new," Buzz Lightyear commented.

Back in the castle control room, Sheriff Woody shook his head. "I'm glad Andy never got any of _those_ toys…"

"Ohhhh! He probably got some to replace us after we went missing!" Nervous Rex wailed.

"Kupo…this is one of the oddest battles we've ever been in…" said Mog. "Even weirder than those giant dancing karaoke monsters from planet Discoteque, kupo!"

Gallantmon gave the monster's new form an incredulous look. "…You call that a Mode Change?!"

Alphamon moaned. "Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any stupider…"

Gabumon rolled his eyes. "Where are the Dragonballs when you need them?"

"Right there," Agumon said, pointing at the still-nude Magnamon, who yelped and quickly covered himself.

Gabumon blinked. "What? No, Agumon, those are…" A simultaneous groan rose from everyone's throats as they realized what the drugged-up dinosaur had been talking about. Alphamon started banging his head against his console, in hopes that it would either wake him up from this nightmare or knock him out, he didn't care which.

"Holy #$&," Cid cursed.

"Meh," Stitch said, unimpressed.

"Didn't I see this in a TV show somewhere?" Yuffie murmured to herself.

"Gosalyn, didn't you used to watch that show?" Darkwing asked his daughter.

Gosalyn stuck out her tongue. "Ugh, yeah, back when I was twelve. I can't believe I ever liked that program…"

"I thought it was pretty cool…" Launchpad muttered, fidgeting uneasily.

Scrooge sighed and shook his head. "Yes, Launchpad, I'm sure you did…"

"The beast still lives!" Arthur shouted, the first to regain his senses. "Everyone, open fire! Don't let him finish whatever he's starting to do!" The leaders around him quickly relayed this command to all their ships, and everyone began firing at King Dragon again.

The glowing spiky-haired monster laughed as all their attacks just bounced off his force field. "HA, DON'T YOU KNOW ATTACKING SOMEONE DURING THEIR POWER-UP SEQUENCE ALMOST NEVER WORKS? RAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" He flexed his muscles, causing his aura to get brighter. He curved his long, serpentine body into a circle, biting the end of his tail gently and making himself look like an Ourobouros. He began spinning like a wheel, still deflecting the frantic attacks everyone was flinging at him, as deadly energy began to gather in the space defined by the loop his body made. "WHEN I'M DONE, I'LL HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO BLOW UP THIS WHOLE STINKING WORLD! THIS PLANET IS HISTORY!"

Zurg's eyes widened in alarm. "Oh, SHIT, we're screwed. And I didn't even get to kill Lightyear! This bites."

"Zurg is the greatest," one of the Hyper-Hornets said consolingly, touching its master on the shoulder.

Zurg sniffed. "Thanks…you guys are the best!" He burst into tears and hugged the robots, causing them to give each other confused looks. The one who had spoken first patted his master on the back, feeling very awkward all the while.

"Gamabunta, can you stop that?" Yuffie asked her frog anxiously. He shook his head. "Crap. Figures."

"Fuggabugga," said Stitch crossly, not certain if even his indestructibility could survive an attack of this magnitude.

"Holy $#&, we're all dead!" Cid howled.

"Tron, is there anything we can do to stop that thing?!" Leon asked the computer program.

"Ah…no. I don't think so," Tron said anxiously.

"Crap."

"Aerith, why are you so calm? We're all about to die?!" Tifa demanded of the Black Ranger.

"Because it'll allow me to join my master in my rightful place in his harem sooner than I expected," Aerith purred. "I can put in a good word for you, too, if you like."

"Uh, no thanks, that won't be necessary…" Tifa said uneasily. She sighed. "Well, at least this'll get Cloud off his Sephiroth obsession for a while, when he finds out what happened to us…I hope…"

"…" Frailea screamed at the top of her lungs.

"UUUUUAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" Umaro bellowed as he smashed up his cockpit in a panicked frenzy. ("UUUUAAAAAAHHHH!!!!")

Ivan uttered a series of very loud and foul curses in Dwarvish. (Or is it Dwarven?) "M-Mog, what do we do, kupo?!" Mene cried as Boco ran about screaming in their cockpit like a…well, a Chocobo with its head cut off, shedding like crazy, even worse than before. "Mog? Sir?"

"M-Mog's not here right now, kupo…" Mog whimpered, cowering under his console. "Please leave a message and call back later…kupopo…"

"Kupoooo…" Mene moaned.

"How strange…for an instrument of our utter destruction, that ball of energy is oddly beautiful," Gallantmon said wistfully. "I really hope Crusadermon doesn't write a poem about it if we somehow manage to survive."

"Sir…is…is this really it?" Magnamon asked timidly. "Or will this just turn out to be another false alarm like the last one?"

Alphamon sighed heavily. "I'm afraid so…it very well might be."

"This sucks! We're going to die, and I'm still separated from the idiot over there!" Gabumon complained, pointing at the still-drugged-up Agumon, who was trying and failing to stand on his head. "Couldn't I at least die with some dignity?"

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon. "WHY IS THAT BIG ENERGY THINGY GETTING BIGGER? ARE WE GOING TO DIE?!"

"YES!" everyone yelled at him.

"OH. CRAP."

"Craniummon, is there any way we can possibly overpower that beam?" Alphamon asked the braniac knight.

"Yes…but only if we had more amassed firepower in the combined warriors and battleships present than we do now," Craniummon calculated.

"Then I suppose, unless a miracle occurs, which it very well might, this is indeed the end," Alphamon said solemnly.

"I'll write us an elegy," Crusadermon said.

"DON'T!" they all yelled at her. She huffed and turned away.

"Oh, did I hear somebody say we were going to die? Can I sing a song then, to send us off?" Dynasmon asked through the intercom.

"NO!" they all shouted back, even louder than before.

"This sucks…I didn't get my armor back, so I'll die naked!" Magnamon complained.

"And I'll die with a stupid name!" Duftmon groused.

Alphamon sighed. "Everyone…if, in fact, this actually is the end of us, I'd like to say it's been an honor serving with you." There was a pause. "I'd like to, but I can't, since the majority of you are utterly insane and have been driving me nuts ever since I got stuck with the job of being your leader. I hate all of you, except for Craniummon and Sleipmon. Normally I'd include Omnimon, UlforceVeedramon, and Gallantmon to that list, but since Omnimon's split up into two Digimon (only one of which is even remotely competent), UlforceVeedramon has been yelling and deaf for the last hour or so, and Gallantmon's been smart enough to avoid being stuck in here with the rest of us whenever we have to use Imperialdramon, I don't really think I can."

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

"You don't like me?" Duftmon asked, looking offended.

"Or me?" Crusadermon asked haughtily. "Well, I never!"

"Not even me?" Magnamon whimpered with puppy dog eyes.

Alphamon sighed. "Okay, Magnamon isn't so bad…except he keeps losing his armor! That stuff's very expensive, dammit!"

"Oh," Magnamon said, looking somewhat mollified.

"But what'd I do?!" Duftmon protested.

"You always get in fights with Dynasmon!" Alphamon snapped. "Plus, you stink!"

"DAMMIT!" Duftmon roared angrily, slamming his head into his console.

"Wheee…we're all gonna die!" Agumon giggled, leaning on his partner's shoulder.

Gabumon sighed. "Yes we are, Agumon. Yes we are."

"Dad? Hold me," Gosalyn whispered. Darkwing immediately complied, shifting all of his passengers to one hand, picking up Gosalyn in the other, and holding her against his cheek. "I wish Mom were here…then she could shrink you and teleport us out of here," she said softly.

Darkwing nodded sadly. "Yeah…I wish your mom were here too."

Gizmoduck sniffed. "My mother…I hope she won't cry too much when she hears what happened. Maybe she'll finally move out of that trailer she's been living in for the last few decades…"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually glad Donald was kidnapped…" murmured Scrooge. "Because then he wouldn't have to be here, facing this." He sighed. "If only I could be sure me other nephews were all right…I hope they use the rather substantial amount of munny I left them in me will wisely."

"And so…at the very end…I'm left with nothing," realized a startled Glomgold. "No family, no friends, nothing but this tattered suit and less munny than I started out with…wait! McDuck! Why don't we just beam up to your ship and fly out of here?!"

Scrooge shook his head sadly. "We'll never escape the blast in time."

Glomgold slumped. "Oh, good point."

"Maybe if I flew it-" Launchpad started.

"NO!" everyone yelled at him.

"That'd just make things even worse! Knowing you, you'd probably fly right INTO the explosion!" Negaduck snapped.

"Yeah…I would, wouldn't I?" Launchpad said thoughtfully.

One of Scrooge's bodyguards sighed and shook his head. "Now'd be a good time for one of those plot contrivances Mr. Darkwing talked about earlier to save us…"

"Engines, full speed! We have to get out of here!" Hook screamed to his crew.

"Mates, it's been on an honor to serve as your captain," Jack Sparrow told his crew solemnly. "And so it is with the greatest gravity and ceremony that I say…TO THE ESCAPE PODS! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! CAPTAIN GETS FIRST DIBS!" He ran off. His crew blinked in disbelief, then chased after him angrily.

Meanwhile, while everyone down below had pretty much lost all hope and given up, the ships above kept firing fiercely, even though they were starting to think that they, too, should consider retreating. Unfortunately, it was far too late for that, as King Dragon finally finished his power-up sequence. "SUPER PLANET-BUSTING BEAM WHOSE NAME SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THE NAME OF AN ANCIENT HAWAIIAN KING, GO! YAAAAAHHHHH!" The energy mass he had formed pulsed and suddenly flared outward, growing into an energy beam as wide as the circle he had made with his body which blasted outwards towards the ships, robots, and castle off in the distance.

"Sirs, the energy readings we're getting from that thing are off the scale! If it hits us, or strikes the ground…we're toast! It'll blow up the entire planet!" one of the technicians in the castle command center cried in alarm. This information was, naturally, not received well. A lot of people started panicking, screaming, running about, or hid under desks and started crying for their mothers. Fortunately, those in charge were made of sterner stuff (except for King Richard, who was hiding under a desk and sucking his thumb right next to Emperor Kuzco) and quickly issued commands.

"Everyone, fire at that beam! Hit it with everything we've got! We cannot, I repeat, CANNOT let it hit us, or we're finished!" Arthur shouted to everyone who could hear him, which was just about everyone since they were all using the same communication frequency. All of the ships immediately started firing their weapons at the planet-killing beam, continuously training their guns on it to try and slow it down. The robot fighters on the ground, having heard the same bad news as everyone else, added their firepower as well. Everyone got a big boost when Maleficent's castle fired its unbelievably powerful main gun, and all the secondary weapons, at the oncoming energy beam. All the laser, energy, and projectile attacks being fired at King Dragon's energy blast blended together into a giant multicolored power beam which collided with the monster's attack, causing it to slow down and eventually stop in its tracks, much to the fusion monster's consternation. It looked as if the castle's main cannon, when combined with the firepower of absolutely everyone else in the vicinity, was just powerful enough to match and stalemate the strength of King Dragon's ultimate attack…at least, it would as long as they all could keep shooting at it. The instant any one of them ran out of power or ammunition and could no longer keep firing, the dragon's beam would overcome their own and blow up the entire planet, killing them all. They all knew this, and from the maniacal grin on King Dragon's face, the monster did too.

Realizing this as well, Arthur turned to Montblanc, Basch, and Commander Nebula. "You fellows are all more used to space combat than I. If we were to beam up everyone in the castle and on the ground to the ships and get as far away from the planet as we possibly could, what are the chances of surviving the explosion from that attack?"

Commander Nebula shook his head grimly. "Absolutely zip. It can't be done."

Basch nodded dourly. "He's right, we could easily take everyone in the castle and even outside onto our ships, but the instant we disengaged our weapons to fly off, and the weapons of the robots outside, King Dragon's energy beam will overtake our own and destroy everything. There's no possible way for us to clear the planet in time."

"He's right, kupo…" Montblanc said sadly. "Damn…is this really it?"

Arthur wasn't willing to give in so easily, however. "Isn't there some way we could boost the castle's power so that it could at least hold off the energy beam long enough for us to make our escape? Not stop it outright so much as slow it down a little, buy us time to get everyone onto the ships and escape the planet before it explodes?"

"I'm afraid not, my liege," Merlin interjected, stepping forward. "The only way we could strengthen the castle further would be if Maleficent herself were here; this structure is designed to operate only at half-power when she is not in residence. She constructed it that way to ensure that if anyone were ever to eliminate her, they would be unable to unlock the castle's full power; this way, only she will ever be its true master."

Arthur's shoulders sagged a bit, clearly upset by the fact that not even his most trusted adviser and oldest friend had a suggestion. "Do you mean to tell me there is nothing you can do either, Merlin?"

Merlin shook his head. "I could easily spirit away everyone in this castle, Arthur…but I would be unable to save everyone outside, they would be destroyed when the planet exploded or when they ran out of power to hold King Dragon's attack back. Nor can I do anything to weaken King Dragon or his attack…as I explained to Goliath and Shere Khan earlier, I have already used up all the influence over Oberon's power I have been allotted in this situation. To go any further would invite grave consequences." He did not tell his liege what the consequences were, for he knew that if the King knew, he would demand Merlin to act anyway, even knowing that doing so might end Arthur's own life. That was just one more reason why Arthur was the True King, and why he absolutely could not be lost, not now, not ever.

At this, Arthur turned away, a bleak expression on his face. "Then…if not even you can aid us, Merlin, it seems that all hope is truly lost."

Merlin's eyes twinkled, and he smiled a little. "Not necessarily, my King…I said that _I_ can do nothing. However…there is another."

And at that moment, out on the battlefield, Herbimus Prime knew it was his moment to act, before all was lost.

…

For an endless moment, there was nothing but the light.

And then the light was gone, and they found themselves back where they had started, on the stained-glass platform in the center of Oberon's heart. Had they even left in the first place?

"Well, that was surreal," muttered Pete, glancing around. Nothing seemed to have changed. The Chasers were still there, Oberon was kneeling in the center of the platform, clutching his face and sobbing, and…

And six of the 'trophy' crystals hovering near the edge of the platform had shattered, dumping their confused and dazed cargo on the glass in an unceremonious heap. Pete gasped, and Sora and Goofy immediately broke the silence of the chamber and ran joyously towards their comrades.

"KAIRI! RIKU! NAMINE!" Sora cried, rushing for his friends. He tackled them and abruptly pulled them into a group hug, much to the surprise of the three groggy ex-captives. "You're okay!"

"Uh, yeah," said Riku, feeling somewhat awkward being hugged by a guy (even if it was Sora) and pressed up against two attractive young women in the process. "Did something happen to us that wouldn't make us okay?"

"You don't remember?" asked Sora, looking surprised.

"The last thing I remember is getting knocked out by Oberon…and then we woke up here. Where is here?" asked a confused Kairi. She made a face. "And why do I get the feeling we were being…violated or abused or something?"

"Because we were," Namine said quietly, her experience with that sort of thing and prowess with memory manipulation making her more able to remember what had happened in their captivity than her friends and 'sister'. "Oberon was using our power to help him destroy worlds and steal their magic. Sora tried to stop him, but something…something terrible happened." Her eyes widened in horror, suddenly realizing something. "Sora, where's Roxas?"

Sora stiffened. All the happiness drained from his face. "Roxas…he…" His shoulders slumped. "He's…he's gone." There was a long moment of silence. Riku and Kairi looked shocked. Namine…Namine looked as if her entire world had been destroyed. "He…he died to save me. I'm sorry. I'm…" He broke off, shaking his head, raw emotion twisting up his features. "There was nothing I could do…" It was clear he wished there had been. Namine evidently felt the same way, as she burst into tears and grabbed Sora, sobbing heavily as she leaned into his shoulder while trembling like a leaf. Sora held her close, squeezing his eyes shut to keep himself from getting lost in tears as well. Sora felt two more pairs of arms wrap around him as Riku and Kairi joined them in their grief, the four of them mourning the loss of their brother and friend together.

Xehanort, standing to the side, was a little miffed. "Forgetting someone?" he grumbled. He snorted and turned away, trying not to make it look like he was hurt by their exclusion. "Well fine, good riddance, I never liked that rotten little Nobody anyway…" He paused, noticing the Chasers, who had walked over. "Say, do I know you? You three look oddly familiar."

Terra froze, standing still as a statue as he stared at the seeker of darkness. His companions glanced at him anxiously and eyed Xehanort with worry and unease. His fist clenched and shook furiously for a moment as he tried to retain his disciplined control over his emotions. "No," Terra said finally, voice husky. "We've never met."

"Oh, all right then," Xehanort said, accepting that answer as it was and giving the Chasers no more thought. "Hmm…" He took in his surroundings. "There sure are a lot of hearts around here…"

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Goofy hollered, loping towards King Mickey, who was shaking some bits of broken crystal from his overlarge ears. Mickey looked up just in time to see Goofy barreling down on him and yelped in alarm as his Knight Captain slammed into him, knocking him over in the act of hugging him. "You're all right!"

"Other than…some difficulty breathing…yes," Mickey gasped. "It's good…to see you too…Goofy…" Pete smiled at this reunion, but quickly cleared his face, not wanting anyone to see just how pleased he was that the King was back. He was supposed to be on the other side, after all.

"Whoo, that was an interesting experience…hey! DAD!" Nosimono instantly tackled Pete. "You came to save me! I don't really know what you were saving me from, but I must have been in really big danger, so thanks!"

"Uh, you're welcome, son," Pete said, awkwardly patting the Riku clone on the back. "Uh, hey, your big brother's here, so why don't you hug him, too? Then we can go about saving your mother…"

"Big Brother's here? Oh boy!" Nosimono broke off from Pete and ran over to the four hugging, grieving friends nearby. "Big Bro, here comes your little brother to give you a huuuuug!"

Pete sighed in relief as he watched his surrogate child leave him be. He frowned at Tinkerbelle, who was giving him a look. "What? I love the kid and all, but he can be a real pain in the ribs." He snorted. "And he's supposed to be Riku's _evil_ twin. Vexen certainly screwed up on him, didn't he?" Tinkerbelle just rolled her eyes.

Riku's eyes bulged in horror as he heard and saw his 'brother' coming for him. "Oh, crap. Um, excuse me guys, I have to deal with this…" He broke off from the rest of the group and ran away as fast as he could. Nosimono chased after him eagerly, arms spread wide to give his brother a hug. Riku's friends stared, incredulously, as Nosimono raced Riku in circles around the platform before finally getting close enough to lunge at him and knock him to the ground in a tackle/hug which he completely failed to notice only one of them was actually enjoying.

Xehanort was enjoying it too; he was pointing and laughing at Riku while the Chasers nearby just stared at him in disbelief. "Mwahahaha! You see, Riku? No one can escape the darkness!"

"Ugh…hey, bro?" Riku grunted to Nosimono.

"Yes, Big Brother?" asked his clone.

"You know, since Xehanort usually occupies my body, you could actually say he's _my_ brother, just like Roxas is—_was_--Sora's, or at least my evil and mentally disturbed uncle who I keep locked in my attic and don't talk about often." Riku grinned evilly. "I think _he_ could use a hug too, don't you?"

"Hey yeah, you're right!" Nosimono realized. He got off of Riku and started running towards Xehanort, who stopped mid-laugh with a strangled choke. "Hey, Uncle Xehanort! Let me give you a hug!"

Xehanort shrieked like a girl and ran away as fast as he could. "Noooo! Don't touch me! The bringer of eternal darkness does not like to be hugged!"

"Don't forget to sing 'It's a Small World' once you catch him," Riku yelled after Nosimono. "It's his _favorite_ song!"

"Hey, thanks for the tip, bro!" Nosimono called back. He began to sing. "Iiiiit's a small world after all, iiiit's a small world after all, iiiit's a small world after all, it's a small world after all!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Xehanort shrieked, clawing his ears. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, RIKU! I SWEAR, SOMEDAY, I WILL HAVE _VENGEAAAAAAANCE!"_ Riku might have been at least somewhat worried if he weren't bent over nearly double with laughter. Ven was laughing pretty hard too, Aqua was snickering, and it looked as if Terra was exercising all his restraint to keep from laughing too, since it would probably spoil his 'big, tough, silent guy' image.

Sora, Kairi, and Namine, however, were not laughing. "Well," Namine sniffed as she watched this exchange, eyes red from crying. "At least _somebody's_ happy." There was enough bitterness, sarcasm, and venom in that sentence to kill a whole colony of big city rats. Coming from someone like Namine, it was rather shocking.

"And at least somebody still has a brother," Sora said, almost but not quite as bitterly.

Kairi winced. "Guys…please…I know this is…horrible, but…Roxas wouldn't want us to feel this way, would he?"

"Yes," Namine said flatly.

"He would have," Sora agreed.

"If Roxas were here, he'd have been laughing at Riku getting hugged like everyone else," said Namine. "He probably would have kicked him while he was on the ground, too."

"And he'd have thrown rocks along with bad names at Xehanort while helping Nosimono sing 'Small World," Sora said wistfully. "He was a vindictive one, our Roxas."

Namine nodded. "Never missed an opportunity to make fun of someone when they were down, or let up a chance to make a cheap blow." Namine sniffled, starting to cry again. "I…I don't know how I can live without him…he-he could be the biggest jerk and womanizer sometimes, but then he'd turn around and…and be a sweeter guy than you could ever have imagined….oh, ROXAS!" She burst into tears and embraced Sora again.

Sora hugged her back, while Kairi bit her lip and wrapped her arms around the both of them again. "Yeah…I'm going to miss him too…" Kairi said quietly.

Sora shook his head, eyes brimming again. "I can't believe that…that he's really gone…that I'm never going to see him again, or hear his rude and lewd comments again, or do all the fun things we had planned together, or…or…oh, _Roxas…"_ He clenched his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.

"Do not be so quick to write off your brother's life." The trio started and looked up to see Terra had quietly joined them while they were discussing Roxas. "There may yet be a way to save him."

"There is?" said a surprised Ven, as he and Aqua came over. "Why didn't you mention that before?!"

"It wasn't really the time to talk about it," Terra said, causing both of his teammates to roll their eyes behind their visors. "After all, if we were to bring Roxas back right after Oberon murdered him, there wouldn't exactly be a point in punishing him, would there? Roxas would be there and alive, so a case could be made saying that Oberon hadn't really killed him and therefore could not be tried for murder. But…if we brought him back _after_ the punishment…then Oberon would still have been guilty of killing him, and have received his sentence. Justice would have been served."

Sora raised an eyebrow. "Whatever rules you guys operate on are kinda convoluted."

"They are the same rules that you operate on, young Keybearer," Aqua said, not unkindly. "So don't be so quick to pass judgment on them."

"Um…Sora…who are these guys?" asked a confused Kairi, staring at the three formidable-looking golden-armored warriors.

"And…what was that you said about bringing my Roxas back to us?" Namine asked tentatively, pulling away from Sora.

"Oh, they're the Chasers," Sora said, looking surprised. "You don't know who they are?"

Kairi shook her head. "No."

"No," Riku agreed.

"How do _you_ know?" Namine questioned.

"Uh…" Sora thought about that for a minute. "I…don't really know…"

"Oh, your Keyblade told you," Ven said, as if it were obvious.

Sora blinked. "It did?"

Ven nodded. "Yeah, among other things, it's an antenna to the, uh…that Field thing…"

"The Akashic Field?" Aqua suggested helpfully. "A collection of mystical knowledge encoded in a non-physical state of existence containing all knowledge and human experience in the universe?"

"Yeah, that thing…" Ven said sheepishly.

"Oh, I've heard of that!" said an excited Namine, briefly forgetting her despondency at Roxas' death due to this piece of news. "I tap into it when I alter people's memories!"

"So that's how I knew…" said Sora. He looked at his Keyblade. "Must have pretty good reception, then…can I get any other channels on this thing?"

The others stared at him blankly. "I don't think it's _that_ kind of antenna, Sora…" Kairi said after a moment.

"Well, actually-" Ven started.

"Hush, they can figure that out for themselves," Aqua hissed to him. "If we tell them everything those things can do, how will they ever learn anything for themselves?"

"Wouldn't that be better than finding out at the last minute or after a crisis, when they really would have been better off knowing about it beforehand?" Ven pointed out reasonably. Aqua sighed in exasperation, but didn't argue her point any further.

"As an antenna to the Akashic Field, the Keyblade can allow its wielder to absorb all the wisdom of the ages and learn just about anything, assuming it can all fit in your head," Terra explained to the trio. "However, most of it doesn't last long in your mind, unless you've had the proper training. It's a method your brain uses to save space and to keep you from cramming more information into it than it can handle. For example, if you use the Keyblade on the spot to figure out how to defuse, say, a thermonuclear bomb, you'll have the knowledge and can do it, but once you're done the information is gone, until you try and call for it again. The only way to counter this is through active and intensive studying."

Sora grimaced. "Great…like I don't get enough of that in school…"

"Yeah, it's a real pain," Ven grumbled. "Still, it'll probably save your life several times over, so you might as well buckle down and do it anyway."

"When we arrived here, after Roxas' murder, Sora unconsciously used the Keyblade to tap into the Field to learn who we are," Terra continued. "However, while he knew everything about us within moments, between now and then that information has slipped away, so pretty much all he can remember is our names, our job titles, and what we do."

"And what _is_ it you do, and how can it help us bring Roxas back?!" Namine insisted, losing her patience.

"Well, we're-" Ven started.

"Golly, it's the Chasers!" an astonished Mickey cried out as he and Goofy came over, finished with their reunion. A somewhat wary Pete followed a step or two behind them. "I never thought I'd ever see them in person! Well, to be honest, I _hoped_ I'd never see them in person…"

The trio was alarmed at this. "Why? Are they dangerous?" asked Kairi.

"They don't seem so bad, I mean, they saved you guys and punished Oberon for…for Roxas…" Sora said, choking on the last part.

"And they're so shiny," Goofy added. "They don't seem like bad folk…"

"Why thank you," said a flattered Aqua.

Mickey laughed. "_Dangerous?_ These three? Well…to their enemies, yes. And they're pretty much the farthest from bad you can get; these three represent one of the most powerful forces for good in the universe!"

"Keep talking like that and we'll get swelled heads," Ven joked.

"Wait, if they're so good, then why did you hope never to see them?" asked a confused Sora.

"Because they only ever show up for two reasons: either to punish a Keybearer for severely breaking the laws of the Keyblade, or to avert a crisis of universe-shattering proportions!" Mickey explained. "So if you see them, it either means you're in big trouble or EVERYONE is!"

"Oh," said Sora.

"Wait…then why didn't they show up to stop Xehanort or Organization XIII?" asked a skeptical Kairi. "Those were both pretty big disasters!"

"Yes, I'd like to know the same thing," said Xehanort, who had managed to escape his tormentor Nosimono and came over just in time to hear about the Chasers. "Why _didn't_ you stop me? After all, I nearly covered everything in everlasting darkness!"

"No you didn't," Aqua said flatly.

"Yeah, you kind of sort of destroyed yourself. You know, when you opened the Door to Darkness?" Ven pointed out. "Plus, Sora was on the job to handle everything, so we weren't really needed. He had everything well in hand."

"Thanks," said Sora.

"We only intervene when there's a disaster so great that it cannot be prevented by another hero, or shows no signs of correcting itself," Terra explained. "Since Sora was able to stop Xehanort with the help of Donald, Goofy, Mickey and Riku…and Xehanort essentially defeated himself by opening the Door to Darkness-"

Xehanort fumed. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"-We were not needed," Terra finished. "For the same reason, we were not needed to stop Organization XIII, the heroes of the Keyblade were able to handle everything by themselves. We were only able to intervene in this circumstance because of the great threat Oberon posed…and because he murdered Roxas, breaking one of the cardinal rules of the Keybearers, a rule that has been in place ever since the great Keyblade War."

"The what?" asked a confused Kairi and Namine.

"A big war between every Keybearer in the universe a long time ago," Sora explained. "Killed nearly everyone involved and almost destroyed the universe. That much I remember, from seeing the graveyard."

"Keyblade War…" Xehanort murmured to himself. "Why does that sound so…familiar?"

The Chasers nodded sadly. "It was truly a horrid affair…" Aqua said. "Brother againt brother, Keybearer against Keybearer, world against world…incalculable lives were lost in that debacle."

"Even our own," Terra said with a sigh.

"…Wait. You died? You don't look very dead," said a confused Kairi.

"We got better," Ven said.

"Then you're undead?" Sora asked.

"Aaah! Zombies!" Goofy hollered in alarm, causing the others to stare at him. He flushed. "Sorry. Gut reaction."

"In a way we're undead, but we're certainly not zombies," sniffed Aqua. "Let's just say there are many different types of 'death' and say that we're stuck in one that's remarkably active, has a pulse, but doesn't really need to breathe. Or eat. We still can, but we don't need to."

"Well, at least you're not vampires," Riku joked as he and Nosimono joined the group.

Ven snorted. "Hell no! Overrated buncha emo pussies…"

"Basically, the Chasers are a small elite and somewhat covert group of Keybearers reporting directly to Kingdom Hearts that has existed since the first Keyblade was forged," Mickey explained. "Their members are pulled from the ranks of the dead, Keybearers who were very valorous and heroic in life and served justice well. There can only be three at any one time, though, so their membership changes every other generation or so. Terra, Aqua, and Ven were some of the last and greatest warriors to die at the end of the Keyblade War, so it's no big surprise that Kingdom Hearts chose them to be its guardians and enforcers."

"I didn't know Kingdom Hearts could do all that," Pete commented, scratching his head and almost dislodging Tinkerbelle, who had been sitting there. "I always thought it was just some big glowy thingy everybody wanted for some reason."

"No offense, but what you know about Kingdom Hearts could probably fit on the head of a pin," Ven commented. "A very small one."

"Hey!"

"He has a point, Dad," Nosimono said apologetically, patting Pete's shoulder. "Sorry."

Pete scowled and crossed his arms with a huff. "Great, nobody take my side, will ya?"

"This is all very nice, but WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH BRINGING ROXAS BACK?!" Namine shouted in an uncharacteristic fit of temper and impatience which startled everyone who knew her well.

"My apologies," Terra said graciously. "I had almost forgotten. Allow me to explain.

"Roxas is Sora's Nobody, and was originally created when Sora was turned into a Heartless. Due to the unique manner in which Sora later regained his humanity, when he and Roxas eventually recombined Roxas remained an active, conscious second personality within Sora's mind. The Hellblazer Keychain Satan gave Sora to fight Oberon with essentially recreated the accident that created Roxas in the first place, turning Sora into a Heartless and allowing a Nobody to physically manifest. When Oberon destroyed that body, its component parts naturally rejoined Sora, their point of origin, turning him human again. Which means…even though Roxas 'died', he's not completely gone. All which made him up remains within Sora, even his consciousness."

"What?! But…that's impossible! I can't sense him anywhere inside of me!" protested an astounded Sora.

"That's because the shock of dying has caused him to revert into a dormant, almost lifeless state of unconsciousness similar to that of an infant while still in its mother's womb who has yet to fully develop a mind," Terra explained. "You haven't been able to sense him because his consciousness has taken on a form that _can't_ be sensed or even really reached by most fully developed minds. The void you found within yourself is essentially caused by your current inability to contact Roxas, not his actual absence."

"So…it's more like he's in a really, really deep sleep than actually dead, then?!" Sora asked.

Kairi smirked and shook her head. "Typical…anything that's part of Sora is a deep sleeper."

Sora frowned. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Then he's still alive!" Namine cried joyfully, clapping her hands together.

"If you can call being a bodiless practically prenatal state of being 'alive', then yeah," Ven said.

"So how do we wake Roxas up, if he's anything like Sora?" Riku asked. "I mean, it's almost impossible to wake up Sora, even with a really loud alarm clock. Sometimes we have to cut off his breathing until he nearly chokes to get him out of bed sometimes."

Sora flushed. "Riku!"

"Gawrsh, yeah, Donald usually had to set him on fire or hit him with a lightning bolt to wake him up when he traveled with us," Goofy said with a nod.

"Will you guys stop making fun of my sleeping habits?!" Sora asked angrily as the others chuckled in amusement.

"So, to repeat, how do we wake up Roxas?" Namine asked, trying to get back on track.

Xehanort snorted. "Isn't it obvious, fool? Just repeat the accident that created him in the first place! I'll even do the honors myself…Nosimono, could I borrow that Keyblade of yours for a minute?"

"Okay," Nosimono said, about to hand over his Keyblade without question.

"I really don't think that's necessary," Kairi said anxiously, remembering what had happened the last time Sora had been run through with that dark blade.

"Yeah, isn't there another way we could do this?" Mickey asked.

"Gawrsh, why don't we just use that keychain again?" Goofy suggested.

"The Hellblazer? Oh yeah! That's a great idea!" Sora quickly pulled the Keychain in question from his pocket. "Then…all I have to do is reattach this to my Keyblade, and it'll bring Roxas back? That's almost _too_ easy…I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!"

"Do it!" Namine urged him.

"Don't," Terra warned, snatching the Keychain from Sora's hands. "At least, not yet."

The others gaped at him, surprised and confused by this sudden reversal in attitude. "What? Why not?!" Sora protested.

"Yeah, what's wrong _now?!_" Namine asked angrily.

"It's cursed," Aqua explained.

Sora blinked. "It is?"

"Yeah, I mean, Satan gave it to you, what do you expect?" Ven said.

"Oh…I guess that makes sense…" Sora admitted.

Pete nodded sagely. "Yeah, why do you think I'm gonna have someone else open my wedding present from him after this is all over? He may like me, but knowing his sense of humor his gift'll probably be some kind of evil living underwear that eats my crotch or something."

The others made faces. "Ew," said Kairi.

"I really did not need that bit of mental imagery," said a disgusted Riku.

"Yeah, really, what kind of wedding present is underwear?" Nosimono asked, totally missing the point.

"Curses—literally," grumbled Xehanort, disappointed that Sora had just missed out on getting cursed.

"So, what kind of curse is on that thing?" Mickey asked Terra.

"It's a very subtle one, almost unnoticeable except to the untrained eye," the massive Chaser explained. "The first few times Sora uses it to split into Roxas and his Heartless form, there would be no visibly adverse effects…however, repeated usage would slowly corrupt the both of them until they were completely evil and willing servants of Satan. It would be a very gradual process, so the people surrounding them wouldn't really notice how much darker they had gotten over time until it was too late to do anything about it. They'd probably just chalk it up to maturity or some kind of phase."

"Like being Goth," Ven added. He shook his head ruefully. "Man, what was I thinking back then?"

The others gasped. "Golly!" cried Mickey.

"How delightfully diabolical! I love it!" Xehanort cackled.

"Whoa," said a shocked Sora. "That's…wow. I had no idea it was that bad."

"What's even worse," said an alarmed Kairi. "Is the implication that we might not even realize how much you'd changed until it was too late. That couldn't really happen, could it?"

"I don't know," Riku said uneasily. "It took you guys a while to realize how different I'd gotten right before I opened Destiny Islands up to darkness. And considering how bad _I_ was, I really don't want to think about how bad an evil Sora…or evil_er_ Roxas…would be."

"I would," Xehanort said happily.

"An evil Sora…" Goofy muttered, shaking his head. "I just can't wrap my head around it…it's so out there, y'know, a-hyuck!"

"That's just creepy," Pete muttered. Tinkerbelle nodded in agreement.

"If we can't use that Keychain to bring back Roxas, then how are we supposed to do it?!" Namine demanded, getting upset again.

"Nosimono, your Keyblade, please!" Xehanort called to the clone.

"Don't do it, kid, there's gotta be other ways!" Pete said, quickly pulling Nosimono away from Xehanort.

"Like what?" asked the confused replica.

"Uhh…"

"I could tear out Sora's heart," Xehanort offered. "Would that help?"

"No," everyone else said.

"What exactly are you doing out again?" Riku asked the seeker of darkness.

Xehanort frowned in thought. "I'm not sure, actually…"

"You are correct, Pete, there is a better way," Terra said. "This Keyblade may be dangerous…" He closed his hand around the cursed object, crushing it into dust. "But this one should do the job." He vanished his Keyblade and handed a new Keychain to Sora.

The boy's eyes widened when he saw what it was. "Wait…isn't this…"

"That's Roxas' necklace!" Namine cried.

It was indeed. The Keychain looked like the arrow-tipped metal 'X' Roxas always wore around his neck. The amazed Sora glanced up at Terra. "How did you get this?!"

Aqua chuckled. "Trade secret. If we told you where Keychains come from, you'd go out and try to get or make your own, and trust me, that's not a good thing."

"Wait…didn't Moogles make a coupla Keyblades for us?" asked a confused Goofy. "Ultima Weapon and…that other Ultima Weapon?"

"They're Moogles," Aqua pointed out. "They can make anything."

"That's why they're the best craftsmen and merchants in the galaxy," Mickey explained.

"Oh." Goofy frowned and scratched his head. "Hmm, that reminds me…I need a new shield."

"Oh, here," Ven said, handing Goofy a shield

Goofy gasped as he realized he was holding Save the King , which he had thought lost forever over the side of the platform. "Gawrsh, it-it's my shield! But, how did you…" Goofy paused, then gave Ven a sly look. "Trade secret, right?"

"No, I actually just ran down and got it when you weren't looking," Ven explained.

"Oh." Goofy blinked. "Wait. You _ran_ down…"

"What's this Keyblade called?" Sora asked Terra.

"Acrossing Two," the knight told him. "A fitting name, don't you think?"

Sora nodded, not taking his eyes off the Keychain. "Yeah…"

"Sora…use it! Let's bring Roxas back!" Namine urged him.

"Yeah, and let's take a look at this new Keyblade," Riku added. "Should be interesting."

"Can I try it when you're done?" Nosimono asked. Nobody bothered to answer him, though Kairi admitted she wouldn't mind a turn too.

Sora nodded, called his Keyblade, and attached his new Keychain to it. The Keyblade flashed, and began to shimmer. "Okay…Roxas…" He closed his eyes and concentrated. "Please…for all of us…come on out…"

The Keyblade flashed, and suddenly transformed. It became a mostly white weapon with elements of black metal in it that looked like exactly the sort of thing a Nobody would wield, with arrow-headed points and spikes jutting out all over the place. The grip was surrounded by a ring of black metal with six arrow-headed points extending from where it connected to the cross-piece, three points on either side. The blade itself curved upward from where it emerged from the cross-piece, ending in four arrow-head points, two white and two black, which spread out from the blade's edge like a fan with two overlaid pieces of metal, also white and black, connecting them. A second, smaller blade jutted out from the underside of the Keyblade and intersected with the weapon's point, creating an odd triangular hole on the bottom tip of the blade.

As everyone marveled at the Keyblade's appearance, the weapon began to glow again, and then Sora did, and a luminous sigil looking like a crown appeared on the floor underneath his feet. His body split down the middle and abruptly became two figures rather than one; one of them a pure black yellow-eyed Heartless resembling Sora, and the other was…

"ROXAS"! Namine screamed, tears of joy streaming down her face as she latched on to the confused and bewildered Roxas, who looked exactly as he normally did and didn't at all resemble a person who had gotten killed by a fatal stab wound just a little while ago.

Sora shook his head a little to clear his brain, saw Roxas was standing nearby, made a little shriek of joy, and lunged at him, hugging him and almost knocking him and Namine over. "Brother! You're back!"

"Uh, yeah…did I go somewhere?" asked a confused Roxas, wondering why his brother and girlfriend were hugging him so tightly in public, with so many eyes focused on him. "Guys, what did I tell you about doing this kind of thing in public? It's embarrassing!"

"I don't believe it…you're really okay!" Kairi gushed, overjoyed to see her sister's boyfriend (and her 'boyfriend's' brother) back to life.

"That's a good thing, right?" Riku said half-jokingly.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay? Oh great, you're still alive," Roxas grumbled, noticing Riku. "Well, guess we can't have everything."

"No, you can't," Riku agreed.

"Golly, this is great! Now everyone's back together again!" Mickey said happily. "Though…it's a little weird seeing Sora as a Heartless…"

"Gawrsh, your Majesty, you get used to it," Goofy reassured him.

"Oh…this is beautiful! I just love happy reunions!" Nosimono sobbed. Pete, feeling rather awkward, offered him a handkerchief, which the clone readily accepted. Tinkerbelle, also crying, blew her nose in his hair, something he did not appreciate.

"Bah, disgusting," Xehanort gagged. "Hmm…although…" He extended his hand dramatically at Sora. "Heartless! Obey me! Kill them all!"

"No," Sora grunted through Roxas' hair, which he was nuzzling affectionately, much to a rather disturbed Roxas' dismay.

Xehanort shrugged. "Oh well, it was worth a try."

While Xehanort's attempt to control Sora had failed, it did make the Heartless boy realize that this was the first time his best friends had seen him in this form. Somewhat reluctantly, he let go of his still-confused brother and turned to face Riku and Kairi, showing them all of his dark form in the process. "Um…don't worry, I'm not going to eat anyone's hearts…I'm only dangerous to our enemies, you don't need to be scared of me or anything…"

"Scared of you?" Kairi asked incredulously. "Why should we be scared of you?"

Sora looked up. "Huh?"

"You're probably the least intimidating Heartless I've ever seen," Riku joked. "More cuddly than scary. Even Shadows are more fearsome than you!"

"Hey! I am not cuddly!" Sora said indignantly, until Kairi walked over and started rubbing the back of his neck, causing a dopey expression to form on his face as he dropped on all fours and started affectionately rubbing up against her leg while purring. He snapped out of it when he realized Roxas, Nosimono, Pete, Xehanort, Ven, and Riku were all laughing at him, and the King and Goofy were struggling not to laugh as well. "Well, okay, maybe a little," he muttered somewhat embarrassed.

"You're certainly much better-looking than a Shadow," Kairi commented as she started scratching Sora once more and causing him to melt all over her again. "You looked weird with antenna."

"Heh, I bet," Roxas chuckled. It was then that he finally noticed the Chasers. "Hey, who are these guys, and where can I get armor and a Keyblade as awesome-looking as that?"

"We are the Chasers," Terra told him. "Guardians of the Keyblade and enforcers of Kingdom Hearts' will."

"Oh, okay," said Roxas, accepting that.

"Roxas, they're the ones who told us how to bring you back after…after Oberon killed you," Namine said quietly, pulling away from her boyfriend for a moment so she could look him in the eye as she told him this.

Roxas blinked. "I died?" His eyes widened as his memory suddenly came rushing back to him. "Wait a minute…that's right, I _did_ die! That ratfink killed me! Of all the nerve! Where is he, I have to rip him a new one, and maybe castrate him again while doing it!"

"Again?" asked a confused Mickey.

"Yeah, Pete did it the last time," Roxas explained.

Everyone looked at Pete in equal parts amazement and disgust. "Whoa! You did _that?!_ I had no idea you had something like that in you," commented Riku.

"Unbelievable…literally! I can't believe he did that! He couldn't have! Did he?" Xehanort wondered anxiously.

"Dad, that's incredible!" Nosimono said, looking very proud of his father for doing such a dirty and underhanded thing.

"Yeah, I guess it was, wasn't it?" Pete said, puffing up with pride. "Not that I plan to ever do something like that again, of course…" Tinkerbelle just gagged, utterly revolted by the thought of Pete doing…_that_…to Lord Oberon…though admittedly, she thought it was oddly funny, too.

"Can I help?" Namine asked, earning her odd looks from everyone else.

Roxas grinned at her. "Sure thing, babe! So, where _is_ the Smurf, anyway?"

Aqua pointed. "Over there."

They turned to look at Oberon, who was still kneeling in the center of the platform with his hands over his face. He hadn't budged an inch from that spot since they had gotten back from the Keyblade graveyard. "…What's with him? He's just been kneeling there while we've been talking for the last several minutes? That's kind of…creepy…" murmured Kairi.

"Who cares? Let's go mutilate him!" Roxas declared.

"That will not be necessary," Terra said, laying a hand on Roxas' shoulder and freezing him in place. "He has already been punished enough. There is no need for us to heap more suffering upon him…especially considering that Satan is waiting to deal with him once we are through here."

"But I'm angry as hell and aiming to hurt _someone!_" Roxas protested. "Better him than someone else, like Riku, who's second on my list of people I hate."

"What'd I ever do to you?" asked an annoyed Riku.

"Beat me up, kidnapped me, brainwashed me, stuck me in a fake Twilight Town with fake friends, fake memories, and a fake life!" Roxas pointed out.

Riku rolled his eyes. "Okay, what'd I do to you _recently_?"

Roxas had to think about it for a minute. "Well…you ate the ice cream Sora bought for me!"

"I paid you back," Riku pointed out.

"You did? Oh…huh…well…" Roxas frowned and trailed off, trying hard to come up with a good reason to beat up Riku other than the obvious.

"What makes you think he doesn't deserve more punishment?" Pete complained to the Chasers. "I mean, that jerk over there kidnapped the people we care about, drained magic from tons of places, blew up others, tried to get some Galactic thingamajigger, kidnapped even _more_ people, beat us up, killed me, killed Tinkerbelle, killed Roxas…and all you did was _blind_ him?! Doesn't seem like that's nearly enough, if you ask me!"

Xehanort nodded in agreement. "Yes, I would certainly expect far worse retribution, if _I_ were ever to do something like that! Well, again…"

Terra laughed bitterly, surprising them. "Blind him? Is that all you think we did to him?" He shook his head. "No, my friends…we did far worse than merely removing his eyesight. We have blinded him to the light, the ultimate penalty we are authorized to enforce, delivered only to Keybearers who have committed that grievous sin of slaying another Keybearer. He will never see it again."

"And…that's different from losing your eyesight _how?_" asked an annoyed Roxas.

"Much worse," said Mickey, looking ashen.

Ven nodded. "Yeah, it is. Kingdom Hearts is the light at the end of the darkness," Ven explained. "It's the source from which all hearts spring, and the place to which they return. The source of all things, really."

"When the heart leaves its body (assuming it's not eaten by a Heartless), Kingdom Hearts' light leads it back to the source, where it belongs," Aqua continued.

"But when a person has been blinded to that light…when they die, and their heart flies free, they will not see Kingdom Hearts' guiding light. They will not be able to find their way to their true home. They will wander alone, lost in the darkness…forever," Terra finished, his voice heavy with sorrow and regret.

There was a moment of silence as everyone processed this. "That…that's horrible…" whispered a shocked Namine.

"Oberon did bad things, but did he…does anyone…deserve _that?_" wondered Kairi.

"I…that almost happened to me, didn't it?" asked a shaken Riku. "I almost got lost, too."

"How…tragic…" whispered an enraptured Xehanort. "How beautifully sad and poetically poignant…I love it!"

"That's…a lot worse than just going blind," Pete admitted.

"Dad, that's never gonna happen to me, is it?" Nosimono asked Pete anxiously.

"Not unless you kill those other guys with Keyblades, if I understand right," Pete told him.

"Oh, good, I didn't plan on killing them anyway," said a relieved Nosimono. "I'd rather be friends with them."

Pete stared at him for a moment incredulously, and then put his face in his hands. "Son, I think your mother and I are going to need to give you a talk on what it really means to be evil…"

"Gawrsh, that's terrible…" Goofy said sadly. "Now I kinda feel _sorry_ for the guy."

"How horrible a fate," Mickey agreed, shaking his head. "And it wouldn't even be necessary to _do_ something that harsh to a guy if that terrible war hadn't happened in the first place."

Roxas was the only person unmoved. "What, that's _it?_ Lame! You should decapitate him too, or make him mortal with a short lifespan, or do something really nasty and painful to him, or just plain kill him. This 'blinding to the light' thing is just stupid."

"Roxas!" Namine hissed, upset by her boyfriend's rather typical insensitivity.

The Chasers were, naturally, rather offended. "Well, excuse us, we're not the ones who make the rules, we just carry them out," Ven said stiffly.

"No Keybearer may kill another. That has been the rule ever since the Keyblade War," Aqua explained. "The immense clash of cosmic energies in that war severely weakened the balance of the cosmos. Since then, whenever a similar clash occurs, when one Keybearer kills another, it creates a dangerous tear in the fabric of the universe. And that tear can only be mended by, well…doing this…"

"Oberon killed you, and so we had to do this to him," Terra explained. "It was the only way to restore the mystical balance he disrupted by causing your death. Bringing you back to life wouldn't have done anything about it; the tear would still have existed. The only way to correct it would be to cruelly deny a heart passage back to where it belongs…that is the way magic works. Everything has a price." He shook his head wearily. "We have been able to limit how many times this law needs to be carried out by restricting the number of Keyblades released every generation, to decrease the chances of rival Keybearers killing each other. That doesn't mean it never happens anymore, though, and there's a good chance we'll have to enforce this rule again someday. It almost happened a few times in recent years, as I'm sure you all know from experience."

"Pray it won't be you we have to penalize next," Ven growled. "You came awfully close to running afoul of us back in your days in Organization XIII, and only got off due to technicalities and a loophole or two."

"Big whoop, I don't have a heart, I'm not afraid," Roxas said flippantly.

"Uh, actually, you do," Sora pointed out. "Part of mine. Remember?"

Roxas paused. "Oh. Right. Damn. I guess this means I can't kill Riku or his dorky brother, can I?"

"No," said Aqua.

"Why do you want to kill me?" asked a startled Nosimono.

"Because you suck," Roxas said flatly. "It still seems like a stupid punishment and a stupid rule, but I guess I'll try to abide by it. For now, anyway."

"If you have that big a problem with the rules, you should take it up with the person who makes them, not us," Terra said. "We just carry them out, like policemen."

"Except we're cooler, have shiny suits of armor, wicked-ass Keyblades, and incredible powers," Ven added. "And capes. Don't forget the capes."

"Dad, can I have a cape?" Nosimono asked Pete.  
Pete shook his head. "No son, you're not ready for one yet."

"Okay, where can I find this guy who makes the rules?" Roxas asked. The Chasers told him. "Ah," he said, his face pale. "Never mind, then. Even I know when to leave well enough alone."

"Really?" said an impressed Namine. "Well, it's about time."

Sora glanced over at Oberon, a stricken look on his face. "I know he did some bad things, and the universe needs it to be this way, but…isn't there anything we can do? Does it have to end like this?"

"Your compassion for your enemies speaks volumes about what nature of hero you are," Terra said, touched. "However…there is nothing you can do. He has brought this upon himself, and he is the only one who, ultimately, must suffer the consequences of his actions.

"However, your part in this is not yet over, Sora. Remember, while your fellow Keybearers have been freed, your other friends, and foes, and the denizens of countless worlds, are still imprisoned all around you." Sora glanced around, startled. In the rush of joy at being reunited with his friends and getting his brother back, he had all but forgotten all the other captives Oberon had taken. He felt angry and ashamed at himself for a moment, but not for very long, he knew there wasn't really any point in wasting time blaming himself. "To end your part in this story and put right everything Oberon, in his madness, has torn asunder, you must use your Keyblade to undo the seal on his prisoners Oberon created using the power of Ix, and send everyone and everything here back where they belong. And it must be done swiftly, before the volatile mix of magickal energies within Oberon becomes any more unstable and reaches critical mass, exploding and destroying all life in this galaxy and a few of its closest neighbors."

Sora nodded slowly, not taking his eyes off Oberon. "And after that…can we go home?"

"Well, I think you still have a wedding to attend, but after that, yes Sora. You and all your friends can go home. Even Roxas, though he probably doesn't deserve it," said Ven.

"Hey!" Roxas said indignantly.

Sora turned to his brother. "Roxas, I think I'm going to need your help on this. This lock's too big for me to unlock on my own."

"What? But I was just getting used to being corporeal again!" complained Roxas. "And I haven't even had welcome-back sex with Namine yet!"

"We can do that when we get home," Namine said with a giggle.

"Oh, okay," Roxas said, mollified.

Kairi glared sternly at the both of them. "Not with _my_ body, you're not…unless Sora's in on it, too. What do you think, Sora?"

"Wh-guh-huh?!" stammered a confused and frightened Sora. "I-I don't think we're ready for that just yet…"

Roxas groaned in disappointment, Riku laughed, and Kairi nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say. Good ol' reliable Sora."

"Thanks…I think…" said a very confused Sora.

"Wait, why does Sora have to be the one who finishes it? Why can't one of us do it, or even you?" an alarmed Mickey asked the Chasers.

"Sora's the only one of you whose power was never a part of Oberon," Aqua explained. "If any of you tried releasing the stolen magic, the remnants of his tainted energy still within you could corrupt it and keep the power from fixing everything Oberon ruined."

"And we can't do it because…well, we've pretty much done everything we're allowed to do," Ven admitted. "Technically we should've left already, but we couldn't just leave you guys here without a clue as to what was going on."

"And we had to help restore Roxas, without using Satan's cursed charm," Terra added.

"Oh," said Mickey. He didn't look happy about this. He turned to Sora. "Sora…are you sure you're okay with this? If I understand everything right, you've been through an awful lot today trying to rescue all of us. You don't need to do anything else if you don't want to."

Sora shook his head. "It's okay, Your Majesty, I'm fine with it. If somebody has to end all this…well, it might as well be me, right? Usually winds up that way somehow…"

Roxas nodded. "Yeah, it's destiny. Or plot contrivance."

"There's a difference?" Riku joked.

"Not really," Pete grunted.

"So, you ready Roxas?" Sora asked his brother.

Roxas nodded reluctantly. "Yeah, but as soon as we get home, I want some time to stretch my legs, and maybe beat up some of those losers you hang out with. And that jerk at school who keeps eyeing my girl."

"He's eyeing me," Kairi pointed out.

"Same difference," Roxas said carelessly. "Either way, that Irvine kid has to die."

"I'll only let you have your own body again if you promise not to kill anyone or cause too much property damage," Sora warned Roxas.

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Fine, all right already…gawd, what are you, our mother?"

"No, but Mom would want the same thing," Sora pointed out. "And if you make her mad while you're out and about, she'll probably ground you, which means no more cookies, a lot more homework, and a lot less combat practice."

Roxas grimaced. "Ugh, good point. I'll be a good boy…this time." They shook on it. A warm glow arose from where their hands touched. "So, we doing this or what?"

Sora nodded. "Definitely."

And just like that, the two boys blended back together, changing from Heartless and Nobody to plain old regular Sora, holding 'Acrossing Two' once more. "That's going to take some getting used to," Riku commented. "Watching them split up, get back together, etc. Gonna be even harder getting used to Sora being a Heartless…he probably shouldn't leave the house when he's like that. Would scare the neighbors. And the Crusaders. And Selphie."

"You'll get even more used to it when I convince Sora to lend me that Keychain so Namine and I can split up for real and do girly things together," Kairi said cheerfully.

Namine nodded. "Won't that be fun?"

Riku shuddered, feeling a dread sense of foreboding. "Riku, do you suppose we could-" Xehanort started.

"No, we cannot borrow that Keychain, I'm not going to let you go running loose around the Islands, not on my watch," Riku said flatly.

Xehanort blinked. "Actually, I was going to ask if we could take part in the shopping expeditions and slumber parties which will no doubt result from Kairi and Namine being real sisters now and then instead of just sharing the same body, but that's a good idea too, thanks for suggesting it." Riku groaned and smacked his forehead.

"Keybearer, are you ready?" Terra asked Sora.

Sora nodded, and glanced at the Keyblade in his hand. "I guess so. And…there really isn't anything we can do for him?"

Terra shook his head. "His fate is out of our hands now."

"In that case…yeah. It's time to end this." With that, he turned away from the group and started walking towards the kneeling Oberon.

"You know, it all seems kinda anticlimactic," Pete commented. "I was expecting this to end with a big fight."

Goofy nodded. "Yeah, he didn't even turn into a giant monster…well, he did before, but…hmm, guess that counts." He scratched his head. "And I suppose his change after Petey broke his mace over his head counts as another form, so…I _suppose_ he's followed all the customs for final bosses, a-hyuck."

"Hmmph, I certainly put up more of a fight when it was my turn," Xehanort snorted. "And I stayed a giant for the _entire_ final battle, rather than turning into a shriveled husk like that thing over there. At least I had some dignity!" Riku rolled his eyes.

"Not every battle ends with a bang and a great clash of forces," said Terra. "Sometimes it ends with a whimper."

"Or lots of sniveling and begging," Ven complained. "I hate when they do that. Makes me want to just put them out of their misery so they'll stop embarrassing themselves."

"That's rather harsh," commented Mickey.

"Sorry, but I can't abide cowards," Ven grumbled. "If we hadn't had so damn many, the War might never have been started." Pete immediately sucked in his chest and stood as straight as he could, not wanting to look the least bit cowardly. Tinkerbelle giggled, and Nosimono and Goofy gave him confused looks.

"Was what you said to Sora true? That he has to be the one to do the unlocking because he wasn't captured like we were?" Kairi asked Aqua.

"And is our magic _really_ tainted or something? Because I have enough of that from _him_ over there," Riku said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder at Xehanort.

"No," Aqua admitted. "That was a lie. The tainted magic part of it, anyway. But Sora really is the one who has to do this."

"What? Why?!" asked an alarmed Mickey, appalled that he had been deceived.

"Part of it is due to a sense of poetic justice," Terra said. "Sora has come all this way to defeat Oberon, and it is fitting that he should be given the task of delivering the final blow. And in addition…he is the One."

"The One what?" asked a confused Nosimono.

"The One who will open the door to light," a bored Ven, Aqua, Kairi, Namine, Riku, Mickey, and Xehanort droned before Terra could say anything.

The big Chaser was obviously startled. "How did you know I was going to say that?"

Mickey shrugged. "Heard it before."

"And you've said it a lot already," Ven pointed out.

"Oh," Terra said sheepishly. "I suppose I have."

"Hey, are we ever going to see you guys again after this?" Riku asked the Chasers.

"Probably," said Aqua. "Though, considering our luck, it won't be under better circumstances."

"You know, since we only show up for a big crisis or to penalize lawbreaking Keybearers," Ven added.

"So…a few months, then, to punish Roxas for something?" Kairi guessed.

"You're being too liberal, I give it a month, tops," Namine said.

"Two weeks," Xehanort said. "And I'm willing to put munny on it."

"You don't have any munny," Riku reminded him.

Xehanort shrugged. "I'll use yours, then. Any takers?" Riku rolled his eyes.

"I want a piece of that action," Pete said.

"Oh, heck, why not? I'm in too," said Mickey with a sigh, earning him surprised looks from everyone else. "What? Can't a guy gamble now and then? As long as this never gets back to the missus, of course…"

"My lips are sealed, a-hyuck," said Goofy, zipping his lips. Mickey grimaced, positive that the entire castle would know about it within hours once they had all gotten home.

"Hey, can I get in on this too?" Ven asked, earning him glares from his companions. "What? Now _I_ can't gamble?"

"You can't when the subject is a conflict of interest for you, and there's a chance you might trump up some misdemeanor Roxas performed as an excuse to go there and punish him in person," Aqua said flatly.

"Oh come on, you guys know I wouldn't do that!" Ven protested. "…Although the thought _had_ crossed my mind…" His friends shook their heads wearily.

As his friends all started placing bets on how long it would take for Roxas to do something bad enough for the Chasers to show up and punish him for it, Sora found himself standing before the kneeling Oberon, not quite certain how to proceed. The defeated Fae Lord didn't even seem to notice he was there, so deep was the anguish at what he had lost. Sora could clearly see a Keyhole on the elf's chest, right about where his heart should have been, but if anything that only made it more difficult for Sora to do what needed to be done. His enemy just looked so vulnerable, so…helpless. He wasn't even going to defend himself. Sora's determination to see this through, which had been burning so strongly only moments ago, had utterly withered away before this display of utter defenselessness and bleak acceptance of fate. Once more, the boy found himself wishing that there was a better way.

_Cripes, will you stop feeling sorry for the guy and just do it already?_ Roxas grumbled. Sora found his spirits rising and a warm sense of relief rushing through his body. It was amazing how good it was to hear his brother's voice in his head again, even though it had only seemed like he was dead for a couple of minutes. _He kidnapped our friends and lots of other people, ruined lives, stole magic, destroyed a few worlds, tried to kill us, ACTUALLY killed me, Pete, and Tinkerbelle…he deserves everything that's coming to him, plus interest._

_Maybe, but does that mean he deserved to have his family kidnapped and killed? His home destroyed?_ Sora argued.

_No, but we had nothing to do with that, so there's no reason we should feel guilty about it,_ Roxas pointed out.

_I don't feel guilty, I just feel bad for him. I mean…I know what it's like to lose your home, and your friends and family. It's…terrible…nobody should have to feel that way,_ Sora said, getting more and more upset.

There was a pause. Roxas sighed. _Sora…look, Oberon brought this on himself. That Terra guy said so, didn't he? None of this would've happened if he hadn't up and decided one day to absorb all magic in the universe and destroy all mortal life everywhere._

_Roxas, Oberon's INSANE. Merlin said so! He told us that if Oberon hadn't caught whatever drove his mom mad and gone nuts as well, he'd never have done anything like this! He actually used to LIKE mortals! If a crazy person does something, can they really be held accountable for it? Why else do you think Selphie's allowed to get away with so much crap back home?_ Sora protested.

…_That's a good point, but…it still doesn't change the fact that this has to be done, whether you agree with it or not. If you don't do it, none of us are getting out of here, and all the unstable magic will keep building up until it explodes and wipes out the galaxy. You KNOW we can't let that happen,_ Roxas pointed out.

Sora sighed. He nodded. _Yeah…you're right. I knew that all along. I guess…I was just stalling a little. Hoping there was a better solution for all this that didn't leave Oberon's heart doomed to wander the darkness, his home totally destroyed, his family virtually wiped out, and his life about to end horribly at Satan's hands._

_You can't save everyone, bro,_ Roxas said sadly. _You know that. That's just the way the world is._

_Yeah,_ Sora agreed. _I know. It doesn't mean I can't wish it didn't have to be that way._ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _Okay. I'm ready. Let's do this._

_About time._

Sora opened his eyes, looking down once more on Oberon, who hadn't moved a muscle since he had come over to him. He tightened his grip on Acrossing Two, his eyes hardening as he steeled himself for what he was about to do. "I'm sorry."

And with that, he drove his Keyblade into the Keyhole over Oberon's heart and screamed, "RELEASE!"

There was a moment's silence…and then, a flash of light…and then…

All the trapped magic came blasting out, overjoyed and exulting in its freedom, sweeping outwards to escape from its prison as fast as it possibly could…and carrying Sora and his friends with it.

They were going home.

…

And in the shattered remnants of _his_ home, Oberon threw back his head and screamed. Beams of raw, pure magic burst forth from his mouth and ruined eyes and streamed heavensward, breaking through the dark clouds enshrouding the broken isle of Avalon and soaring up and outward to the galaxy beyond. Once they were free of the atmosphere, the beams exploded in a resounding crash which sent ripples of energy coursing in every direction, ripples that cascaded across the stars and showered magic on the hundreds of starved and parched worlds which Oberon had sucked dry.

The magic rained down on those broken worlds like gentle rain after a long drought, soaking eagerly into the soil and enriching the planets with new life and health.

Color washed across the worlds turned bland and monochrome for lack of magic, restoring the vividness and beauty that Oberon had stolen away. The people of these worlds danced and rejoiced enthusiastically as their energy and vitality came back to them and went to their heads, making them giddy with joy. And they had more reason than anyone to be joyous…for all those who had been cruelly or carelessly murdered in the Fae Lord's mad quest for power were returned to life as good as new, much to the happiness of them and their loved ones.

The planets that had been blasted apart in the catastrophic battles between Oberon and his pursuer, Satan, were mended as well; Narnia came back into being, Ivalice pulled itself back together, and Fairyworld regenerated, all the lost lives and abducted people returned back to where they belonged. Everything that had been destroyed was repaired, every life ended was renewed, and everything stolen was put back in its place.

Balance was restored to the cosmos. And, for a moment, all was well in the universe.

But not on Avalon. "Nice light show," Satan commented, as he finished sharpening his trident, while Oberon fell to his knees and wept. "Almost a shame it means everything's going back to normal. Still, if it means killing you, I suppose it's an acceptable price to pay." His grin became much more sinister. "Even if you _did_ try to double-cross me by using time magic to buy yourself another chance to kill Sora and his pals."

Oberon stiffened. He looked up at Satan with blind, unseeing eyes shedding tears of blood. "You…knew?" he croaked.

Satan threw back his head and laughed, and laughed, and laughed. His massive form shook and caused the land to tremble with his laughter. Even his body parts laughed, finding this as funny as their master. "Of course I knew, ya fool," Satan whispered finally, wiping away a tear or two. "Of _course_ I knew. How could I not? I am Mastah S, the ultimate motherfucking badass and eternal embodiment of evil. I am present in every betrayal and lie, every duplicitous dealing and conspiracy, every deception and plot! What kinda shit were you on, dawg, to really think you had a chance of pulling one over on _me?_" He grinned slowly, enjoying the horrified look on Oberon's face as the elf realized the full implications of this revelation. "Oh, but don't worry, dawg. I'm gonna keep to my bargain, even if you _did_ try to renege on our agreement. It's only to be expected that you tried, most people woulda in your situation. So, I'm gonna let your wife and your few remaining kids go, alive and…_mostly_ unharmed. Of course…" His sunglasses and gold teeth gleamed evilly. "How long they're gonna _stay_ like that when the demonspawn I planted in Titania's womb finally come to term…well, I honestly can't say."

"NO!" Oberon gasped, trying to scramble to his feet, no easy feat when he no longer had any eyes to see with.

"Yes," Satan said, kicking Oberon back down and driving a spider leg through the Fae Lord's chest to pin him to the ground. Oberon raised a trembling hand, possibly to cast an energy bolt into the demon king's face (more likely just a pathetic attempt to defend himself), but Satan grabbed the Fae Lord's arm by the wrist and, with a violent jerk, ripped the limb clean off, causing blood and ichor to spew everywhere. As Oberon writhed and shrieked in agony, Satan broke off the fingers one by one to feed to his hair, hell-serpent, and the succubus growing from his back, then shoved the dismembered arm down his throat, his jaws widening so that he could fit the whole thing in one piece.

Belching as the arm fell into his stomach, the devil raised his trident into the air, tines pointing downward at the fallen and defeated elf. "You'd better say your prayers, dawg, for what little good they're gonna do ya…considering where you're going, and what I'm about to do to you." A look of pure, malevolent glee marring his features, an evil grin literally splitting his face from ear to ear, Satan brought his trident down.

And what happened after that, dear reader? Well…some things are better left unsaid.

…

Herbimus was fairly young, as Autobots went. He had only been manufactured a few thousand years ago, near the tail end of the latest flare-up of the war between the Autobots and Decepticons, and only inherited the legendary Autobot Matrix of Leadership a few decades before the Heartless invaded and destroyed Cybertron, so was still getting used to being a Prime and the latest in a long line of exalted heroes. Thankfully, the Matrix contained the amassed wisdom of all the greatest deceased leaders and heroes in Transformers history, including his own predecessors in the line of Prime, even the knowledge of the legendary Optimus himself.

It was that knowledge and wisdom he called upon, at that moment, as the defenders of Dark City struggled against King Dragon's final attack, to guide him. _Venerated ancestors and heroes of yore, how can I tip the balance of power against this monster and save this world so that it can be used as a base of great evil again?_

There was a moment's silence. Then, a voice from deep within him said, _Remind me why we're saving this place again?_

_Because we'll be blown to slag otherwise! Less than that, even,_ another voice mused.

_Plus, there isn't really any way we can get out of here before this place blows…_ said yet another voice. _Might as well…_

Herbimus waited patiently as the voices and memories of Cybertron's greatest heroes debated and bickered for a moment on how the heck they could stop King Dragon. It didn't take very long, since they were essentially data tracks running inside his computer core, they were able to argue and converse and shout at each other at speeds millions of times faster than any organic being. And indeed, after approximately three milliseconds, they had a consensus. _Young one,_ a deep voice of authority, experience, and unmatched courage spoke up. _Here is what you must do…_

And Herbimus listened, and obeyed. He scanned the battlefield (literally, seeing as how he was a robot), examining each of the giant robots desperately firing to hold back the giant planet-killing beam one by one, evaluating them to see if they would fit his purpose.

He immediately ruled out the Zurgrex. Zurg was evil, after all, and would abuse the power Herbimus was going to unleash. Herbimus did not want to be responsible for the creation of another Megatron or Lord Zarak.

He ruled out the Ninja Star Megazord and Magna Stitch Majiin for similar reasons. Yuffie and Stitch were not evil, but their eagerness for destruction was unnerving, and the power Herbimus intended to bestow on one of the robots was too dangerous to be allowed in their hands.

It was probably a good thing that the Radiant Garden Power Rangers had lost their Zords, too, because he wasn't sure he trusted the power he was going to unleash in their hands either. Leon would try to use it to outdo Sora and cause ruin in the process, Cid would… outright abuse it, and Aerith would use it for evil purposes. Tifa was the only reliable and trustworthy member of the team, but she was outnumbered by the others.

Imperialdramon Paladin Mode was a good possibility. He was a strong and valiant warrior, controlled by an order of heroic knights who reminded Herbimus somewhat of his own Autobot comrades in arms, right down to the dysfunctional and idiotic antics of some of the members. They even had a noble and long-suffering leader who persevered despite the gross incompetence and insubordination of many of his soldiers! Unfortunately, despite being a creature of data and programming, Imperialdramon was too organic. Herbimus wasn't sure the process he had planned would work on him.

That was also the reason he could not use Darkwing Duck or Gizmoduck. One was entirely organic, and the other was just a duck in a robot suit, and much too small, at that.

The ships above him were also a possibility, but there really wasn't any way for him to get up there in time to initiate the transformation. So…

That only left Moogletron. While it was piloted by organics, the warrior was entirely mechanical, so should be receptive to the process. And additionally, its pilots were heroic, to some extent. Herbimus wasn't sure he entirely trusted them, since they worked for a large interplanetary Trade Federation and so did what they were paid to do, but he could sense that they were noble at heart, and could be relied upon to do the right thing. Even if they had cannibalized broken robots to keep their own running…Herbimus had felt quite sickened when he saw that.

Regardless, his decision was made, and he knew what to do. Herbimus leapt into action, transforming into his alt mode and speeding off across the broken cityscape towards the robot warriors. Driving up the side of a toppled skyscraper and launching off the end as if it were a ramp, Herbimus activated the rockets in his rear compartment and shot through the air towards his chosen target, aiming right for the giant mecha's back. Just before he could collide with the robot's metal hull, he changed back to Robot Mode and stretched out his hands, latching on to the mecha's rear and absorbing the force of his impact.

Up in Moogletron's cockpit, Mog stirred and glanced around. "Kupo? What was that?"

"…" said Frailea.

Ivan scoffed. "A legendary hero from a race of giant transforming robots? Dinnae be preposterous, lass!"

"I don't know…something _did_ hit us…" Mene pointed out.

That 'something' dug its fingers into the back of Moogletron to get a better grip, and then sent a mental command to his chest armor that caused it to unfold and made a series of heavily secured hatches retract and open up, revealing a beautiful glistening sphere of light planted in the core of his being; his Spark, the literal soul of any Transformer, that which designated them as sentient beings a level above most other robots. As it was exposed to the air, the Spark glistened, the power of the Matrix flowing through it. "Be our light…" Herbimus spoke out loud, playing a recording of the most famous quotes of one of his predecessors. "In our darkest hour!" And indeed light emanated from his Spark, flowing through his arms and into Moogletron.

The giant mecha shook, much to its pilots' dismay. "WAAAHH! What's happening now, kupo?!" Mene screamed as Boco panicked again and the lights rapidly flickered and flashed in their cockpit. Their computers turned on, and strange-looking code began scrolling up the screens. "Huh? What's this, kupo?"

"Och, the system's busted! I cannae make heads nor tails of this gibberish!" Ivan complained.

"…" said Frailea.

"UUUUUUUUU…UUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH," howled Umaro. ("Yes…it is beautiful…")

"Kupo…I've never seen anything like it…" Mog murmured as the code kept flying by on his screen. "It's more complex than anything the Federation is capable of…where is it coming from? And what is it doing to our robot, kupo?"

That was about to be made apparent, as the code abruptly cleared off their screens and the words, "Initiating Evolution" flashed by. There was the most incredible roar from Moogletron's generators as they reached and exceeded their power limit, and the mecha's data processors and computers began to radically reconfigure themselves, and the robot's giant form began exuding an incredible glow as its very superstructure and interior began to change, influenced by the coding from the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. The light was so bright, that it could be seen from the distant castle, the other ships and robots, and even by a startled King Dragon. "The heck?!" he growled.

Zurg squinted. "Eh?"

"Uh?" said Cid. "Hey…HEY! What's happening to my robots, which that other robot is wearing like clothing?!"

Aerith hissed and backed away. "The light…it burnssss…."

"Oooohhhhh…." Said an entranced Yuffie and Stitch.

"Aha, I knew there'd be a convenient plot contrivance to save us!" Darkwing cried in relief.

"You did? It didn't seem like it a minute ago," said a confused Launchpad.

"Um…I was just acting that way for Gosalyn's sake. You know, so we could have a father-daughter moment," Darkwing lied quickly, eyes shifting about.

"No you didn't," Gosalyn accused, notching an arrow into her bow and pointing it at one of her father's rather large eyeballs.

He yelped. "No, I didn't," he agreed anxiously.

"I believe that's another fifty munny you owe me," one of Scrooge's bodyguards said to Glomgold, who cursed and screamed and jumped up and down angrily.

"What a magnificent light…" whispered Gallantmon.

"Well, looks like we're getting a miracle after all, sir," Craniummon said.  
"I suppose we are," agreed Alphamon, equal parts relieved and disappointed.

"Weeeee…pretty lights…" Agumon drooled.

Somewhere in the flying castle, Mechanicles, who was repairing Mechanicles Jr. MK IX with the help of his robot insects, as well as Aladdin and the Sultan's guards (the latter rather unwillingly), looked up, the tips of his pointy hair quivering. "My robot senses are tingling…a new power has been born!"

"He has robot senses?" said a confused Razoul. "Does that even make sense?!"

"No," said Aladdin with a sigh. "Don't even bother trying to figure it out." One of Mechanicles' robot beetles snapped at his heel, and he yelped, dropping the scrap he had been carrying. "Ow! I'm working, I'm working, geez!" The beetle glared at them, then skittered off to pester another guard.

Razoul snickered as a sullen Aladdin bent over to pick up the metal he had dropped, until a robot scorpion nearly impaled him on its stinger. "Hey!"

"NO LOLLYGAGGING! BACK TO WORK!" Mechanicles bellowed with the full power of his scrawny lungs. "Otherwise, my son will never be operational again! Don't worry, baby, Daddy's here, oh yes he is, yes he is," Mechanicles murmured soothingly to his 'son's' battered and dented head, rubbing its sides lovingly. Aladdin and Razoul exchanged looks, a disgusted expression on their faces, then sighed and went back to work.

Moogletron's transformation had an effect on those in the castle command center, as well. "What the blazes?!" shouted Commander Nebula.

"Kupo! What's happening to our robot?! If it's destroyed or anything and we all manage to survive this, the higher-ups'll have my head, kupo!" Montblanc cried, panicking.

"Incredible…what is happening?" Arthur wondered.

"Magnificent…" murmured Basch.

"Merlin, is this the power you spoke of at work? Herbimus's power?" Goliath asked the old wizard.

Merlin nodded. "Indeed it is."

Shere Khan frowned. "Well, whatever it's doing, it had better finish fast, that transformation's stopped Moogletron from firing at King Dragon's planet-killer, now it's pushing back at us harder than before!"

Khan was right. Without the addition of Moogletron's amplified energy cannons, King Dragon's attack was slowly breaking the stalemate it was in and gaining more ground, forcing everyone else to tax their generators and weaponry harder to keep from losing everything. If Herbimus didn't finish whatever he was doing quickly…

But no sooner did they think this, and it was done; the light faded away from Moogletron, revealing how it had changed after being touched by the light of the Matrix. The Zord hulls Moogletron had cannibalized were now fused completely with the mecha's body, creating magnificent gleaming golden armor that was much stronger, more durable, and just damn cooler looking than most of the other robots Cid had constructed. The armor was part of the individual Moomba components of Moogletron as well, and it was easy to imagine the resplendent multicolored lions running about with golden armor vaguely reminiscent of other animals covering their bodies.

Additionally, the golden armor representing the Sea Cucumber, Hissing Cockroach, and Squid Zords had been transformed into more meaningful variations. The Sea Cucumber was now an immense golden cannon mounted on the great golden gauntlet covering Moogletron's left arm. The Hissing Cockroach had become a gauntlet with an energy blade generator that projected an immense glowing beam dagger over Moogletron's right hand. The Squid was now more streamlined and less cephalopodal, a golden greave with a rocket on the back. (It was still recognizably a squid, though.) The Zebra greave had one as well. The lopsided helmet made from the scavenged Pigeon Zord had transformed into a winged helmet the likes of which a Valkyrie would be proud of, with a mouth plate similar to that of Herbimus' covering the lower part of Moogletron's face. (The big bulbous nose barely fit over it.) The robot's eyes were still slits, but now slits that glowed blue. Moogletron's antenna, rather than dangling like a usual Moogle antenna, now stuck straight up, the pompom at its tip transformed into a crackling energy sphere. Moogletron's wings had transformed as well, spreading outward and resembling a metal bird's more than a jet plane's.

And, to top it all off…the emblem of the Autobots was placed in the center of the new robot's chest, over the modified elephant armor. Herbimus, still attached to the evolved robot's back, sighed in relief and thanked his precursors for their assistance. He had had no idea endowing an unthinking machine with sentience and life and a Spark of its own could be so…well, exhausting!

"I AM MOOGLETRON SUPREME!" the giant robot bellowed. "ENEMIES OF THE TRADE FEDERATION AND THE AUTOBOTS, HEAR MY NAME AND TREMBLE!"

"BWAH?! NO FAIR!" King Dragon protested.

"Damn," said a stunned Zurg. "That's pretty cool. I want one of those."

"Shiny…" Yuffie and Stitch drooled.

"My robots…what the hell did they do to my Zords? Those bastards!!" Cid wailed, falling to his knees and bursting into tears.

"Incredible…hard to believe part of our Piece of Crap robot is in there…" Leon muttered.

"That's 'Combo', not Piece of Crap," Tifa corrected him. "And 'Megazord', not robot."

Leon rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"A new power of good…" muttered Aerith in disgust. "Wonderful."

Scrooge, Negaduck and Glomgold were drooling too. "That robot has almost as much gold on it as there is in my munny bin!" the wealthy duck shouted. "Where do I get one of those?!"

Glomgold sniffed and wiped away a tear. "Such a beauteous display of wealth is truly inspiring to me old heart…"

"So much cash…but how would I get it off? And where would I fence it?" wondered Negaduck. "Wouldn't be easy to transport, either…"

"Would I look good in gold?" wondered Gizmoduck, looking over his rather dented, burnt, scratched, and all-around damaged suit.

"Wow, it's an Autobot, and he's here to help us!" Gosalyn squealed.

"Autobot? Gosalyn, how do you know what the heck it is?" asked a confused Darkwing.

She rolled her eyes. "Internet, duh."

"Craniummon, what was that, some kind of Mode Change?" Alphamon asked Craniummon.

"I'm not sure, sir. However, its power readings are off the charts!" the brainy Knight replied. "It's over nine thousaaaaaand!" The others stared at him. "Uh, sorry…"

"Wow…wish I could have armor like that…" Magnamon said wistfully. "Well, I did, actually…until that stupid pirate stole it!"

"I think it would be a bit big for you, anyway" Duftmon commented reasonably.

"THAT GUY IS AWESOME!" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"Yes, I'll wrote a poem in his honor!" Crusadermon agreed.

"DON'T!" everybody yelled at her.

"Well, well, well…" Jack Sparrow said with a grin. "Guess I know what my next heist will be."

"Not if I get it first!" Hook sneered.

"Incredible…" murmured Arthur, as the other kings and world leaders looked upon the new golden warrior with envy, and in a few cases, greed. "This truly is a miracle…"

"A great golden warrior…indeed, it is a gift from the gods…" whispered the Emperor of China.

"There's more gold there than all the munny my brother stole from my people," whispered an amazed Richard, who had climbed out from under his table to see better.

"It should be illegal for anyone to have more gold on their bodies than me!" Kuzco sulked, sticking out his lower lip.

"Oh, crap, it talked," Montblanc groaned. "Next thing you know, it'll be demanding pay, too! Oh, kupo, how'm I gonna explain this to the Don? And what about the team, are they still alive?" He activated his communicator. "Hey, Team Moogletron, this is Guild Leader Montblanc speaking. Are youse guys okay, kupo?"

"Kupo, we're fine Guild Leader!" Mog responded. "And we have a cool shiny new group cockpit, too!"

They did indeed. Rather than stay in separate cockpits, the pilots of Moogletron were now seated together in one big control center much like the one in Imperialdramon or the Radiant Rangers' Megazords (before they were destroyed.). It was shiny and clean with all sorts of cool flashing lights and displays, and was big enough for all of them.

"How did we get here, exactly, kupo?" asked a puzzled Mene, looking around.

"Kweh," Boco said with an indifferent shrug.

"I dinnae really care…it's a sight more comfy than me old cockpit!" Ivan commented, leaning back in his very comfortable padded chair.

"UUUUOOOOAAAOOOHHHUUUU," said Umaro. ("The craftsmanship and comfort level of these chairs is astounding, as is the amount of technology clearly required to create this marvel we're sitting in. I am truly impressed.")

"…" Frailea said.

"That's a good question, Frailea. It's nice and all, but can it be trusted?" Montblanc asked warily.

"DO NOT FRET, GUILD LEADER," the voice of Moogletron Supreme boomed. "I MAY HAVE BECOME AN AUTONOMOUS BEING NOW, BUT I STILL REQUIRE MY TEAM OF ORGANIC PILOTS TO OPERATE AT FULL POWER. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FEAR ANY BETRAYAL OR DECEPTION FOR ME, AS I AM NOW AN AUTOBOT, AND PROGRAMMED FOR HONESTY AND VIRTUE. AND WHILE I AM INDEED NOW AN AUTOBOT, AND OWE MY LIFE AND LOYALTY TO OTHERS, MY PRIMARY FUNCTION SHALL ALWAYS BE TO SERVE THE TRADE FEDERATION! SO LONG AS THEY DO NOT PROVE THEMSELVES UNTRUSTWORTHY BY TRYING TO REVERSE-ENGINEER ME, OR USE ME FOR PURPOSES WHICH I DISAGREE WITH OR RUN CONTRARY TO MY OTHER LOYALTIES."

"Eh-heh, no problem, big guy," Montblanc said uneasily. "Welcome aboard, kupo." _Crap, the tech guys are gonna be pissed when they hear this, kupo. Doubt the Don'll be pleased, either…ah well, at least his nephew's okay. That's something, kupo. And at least the big guy _does_ seem to be on our side…for now._

"What manner of warrior is this?" wondered Goliath. "Will he be enough to save us all?"

"If he is, then he'd better hurry up and do something before that beam reaches us!" Khan said in alarm. "It's almost overloaded our generators! When they go, so do we!"

This snapped everyone out of their awed stupor at beholding the gleaming Moogletron Supreme and reminded them that they were, indeed, about to die. People started panicking again, and Richard went back under his table. "Hey, big guy! If you're going to help us, now would be a good time!" Yuffie shouted at the golden robot.

"Ih, NOW!" Stitch agreed.

Moogletron Supreme nodded. "AFFIRMATIVE. TEAM MOOGLETRON, ARE YOU READY FOR ACTION?"

"Always, kupo!" Mog said eagerly.

"Just tell us what to do!" Mene added.

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkweh!" Boco squawked.

"Aye lads, let's take down that monster once and for all!" Ivan agreed.

"…" Frailea shrieked.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" roared Umaro. ("To victoryyyyy!")

_LIFEGIVER, I REQUIRE MORE POWER FROM THE SACRED MATRIX_, Moogletron Supreme told his 'parent' over a private channel on a frequency known only to Autobots. _AND SOME ACCOMPANYING MUSIC WOULD BE NICE, AS WELL._

_No problem. You want it, you got it!_ Herbimus declared. With that, he began playing a song which just so happened to be a favorite of the predecessor whose quote he had appropriated earlier.

"_You got the touch! You got the power!"_

Moogletron Supreme pointed his left arm into the air, gathering energy.

Zurg groaned. "More music? Great…well, at least it doesn't seem to be as bad as the Fusion Dance."

"Destroy Buzz Lightyear!" one of the Hyper-Hornets agreed.

"_After all is said and done, you've never walked, you've never run, you're a winner!"_

"Kupo, what's with that song? It's so…_dated,_" Mene complained.

"The big guy seems to like it, so I'm nae complaining," Ivan commented as the giant robot's power levels increased visibly on their displays.

"_You got the moves, you know the streets, break the rules, take the heat, you're nobody's fool!"_

"Ih? Weird music…" Stitch complained. "Not as good as Elvis!"

"At least it's not one of Cid's old tunes," Yuffie pointed out.

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with my music!" Cid protested.

"They're oldies," Yuffie said scornfully. "That automatically makes them bad."

"_You're at the best when the goin' gets rough, you've been put to the test, but it's never enough!"_

"What, and the damned pop singers you listen to _aren't?_" Cid retorted. "And I meant damned in the literal sense, of course…" Aerith nodded in agreement.

"Actually, I think that makes them even cooler," Yuffie admitted. The others groaned, save Aerith, who cackled with malicious glee as how smoothly Yuffie's descent into darkness was going.

"_You got the touch! You got the power!"_

"FIRING ENERGON CANNON!" Moogletron Supreme boomed as more Matrix power flowed through his body and into the mounted gun on his left arm. Energy collected in its barrel, pulsating impressively and growing at a phenomenal rate, before firing outwards as a beam as wide around as Imperialdramon Paladin Mode's sword, joining the other energy beams being shot upwards all over the place to converge against the tip of King Dragon's planet-killing blast.

"_When all hell's breaking loose, you'll be riding the eye of the storm!"_

As everyone watched with trepidation, the forward progress of King Dragon's beam gradually slowed before coming to a sudden halt, stalemated once again thanks to Moogletron Supreme joining in. However…that wasn't the end of it. As they watched in amazement, the stalemate was broken as King Dragon's beam started _reversing_, actually getting pushed back by everyone else's combined attacks!

"_You got the heart, you got the motion!"_

"We're doing it…we're actually doing it! We're pushing him back!" the astounded Sultan cried.

King Richard peeked out from under the table. "Then…we're not going to die after all! Hooray! Er, I knew that all along, of course." Everyone nearby rolled their eyes.

"_You know that when things get too tough, you got the touch!"_

"Everyone, keep firing!" Arthur shouted over all frequencies. "Don't let up now, not even for a second! We have him right where we want him, at last!"

"BLOW THAT SUCKER OUT OF THE SKY, YOU HEAR ME!" Commander Nebula bellowed.

"_You never bend, you never break, you seem to know just what it takes, you're a fighter!"_

"Kupo! Hooray for Moogletron!" Montblanc cheered. Everyone who wasn't a member of the Trade Federation glared at him. "Uh, and everyone else too. We couldn't be doing this without youse guys, eheh...kupo,"

"_It's in the blood, it's in the will, it's in the mighty hands of steel, when you're standing your ground!"_

"Incredible…" murmured Goliath. "Herbimus, by changing one of the other robots, has given us just enough power to turn the tables around on King Dragon…Merlin, you were correct when you said he was a warrior without peer. Herbimus Prime is truly a remarkable individual!"

Merlin beamed. Shere Khan did not. "Actually," he murmured, examining King Dragon's image on screen with his sharp predator's eyes. "I think there might be another factor at work here…"

"_And you never get hit when your back's to the wall, gonna fight to the end and you're takin' it all!"_

Shere Khan was right. King Dragon had lost his concentration, reducing the amount of power flowing into his planet-killing attack in the process, because he was clutching his ears and howling in agony. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" he roared. "NOT OUTDATED EIGHTIES 'SOUL' MUSIC! HOW DID YOU KNOW…IT WAS MY ONLY WEAKNESS?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

"_You got the touch! You got the power!"_

"Ugh…so lame…" Magnamon complained.

"It's not so bad," Duftmon said charitably.

"It is when Agumon's singing along with it…" Gabumon groaned.

"When all heeeeeell's breakin' loooooose, you'll be riiiiiiding the eyeyeyeyeye of the stooooorm," Agumon sang badly.

"I rather like it," Crusadermon said.

"Of course you do," Duftmon grumbled. "Of course you do."

"IS THERE MUSIC? I THOUGHT I HEARD MUSIC. IS MY HEARING CLEARING UP?" UlforceVeedramon yelled.

"He's…weak to the song? But…Craniummon! Doesn't this disprove your theory on bad music?!" Alphamon demanded of his genius Knight.

Craniummon frowned in thought, as Agumon wailed, "You got the heart, you got the moooooootion," in the background.

"I'm not certain…let's put this to the test." Craniummon pressed a button on his console. "Dynasmon?"

"Yes, what is it?" Dynasmon asked from down below.

"You can hear the song playing outside, right? What do you think of it?" Craniummon asked.

"Oh, that. Well…eh. It's okay. I've heard better," Dynasmon said.

"Same," added Sleipmon. "Dammit…why…can't…I…get…that…carrot?!"

"Thank you, Dynasmon." Craniummon looked up, an unreadable expression on his face. (Well, there was always one there, since his face was completely hidden behind an armored helmet, but that's irrelevant.)

"Well?" asked Alphamon.

Craniummon sighed and shook his head. "Both Dynasmon and the monster have demonstrated a taste for absolutely horrible music…and yet King Dragon is weakened by this song, while Dynasmon is totally indifferent. All I can say is…the power of bad music is much more complex than I had imagined. This will require further research."

"You knooooow that when things get toooo tooooough, you gooooot the tooooouch!" Agumon crooned awfully.

"Perhaps I should study Agumon, too…" Craniummon muttered. "He might be able to shed some more light on this."

Gabumon groaned. "We're never going to become Omnimon again, are we?"

"You're fightin' fire with fiiiiire, you knooooow you got the tooooooouch!" Agumon caterwauled in answer.

Outside, King Dragon was now on the defensive, trying to pour more power into his energy beam while at the same time blocking out the sound of 'The Touch'. Needless to say, he was failing miserably, and the combined attack power of the defenders had pushed his own beam almost all the way back to him. "No…no…noooooo!" King Dragon screamed as he finally lost all control over his own attack, causing the planet-killer beam to fade and the combo beam to rush right towards him. "This can't be happening! I'm too awesome to LOOOOOOOOSE-"

The beam hit him. The tremendous earth-shaking, glass-breaking, ear-shattering explosion that resulted was not just from the beam's power being released, but also due to the force of the invincible barrier surrounding the fusion monster shattering completely. Either way, the blast was enormous, and for a moment blinded everyone and turned the whole area in white, disintegrating all the remaining buildings (or ruins of buildings) in the city in the process. King Dragon himself survived the explosion, but was hurled, screaming, up and out through the planet's stratosphere.

As the light of the explosion faded, and everyone's vision and hearing returned to them, Moogletron Supreme leaped into the air and flew up after the monster, intending to finish him once and for all.

"_You're at your best when the road gets tough, you've been put to the test, but it's never enough!"_

"Uhhhh…ow…my head…" King Dragon moaned as he drifted through the darkness of space, blood dripping off into the void from his ears, nose, mouth, and…well, a lot of other places too. He caught a golden gleam out of the corner of his eye. "Huh? What the…" He turned weakly and saw Moogletron Supreme rushing towards him like a golden comet. His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, FUCK."

Moogletron Supreme put his hands together as he rocketed towards the fiend. His fists glowed, and there was a flash of light, and suddenly the golden-armored robot was wielding an incredibly badass-looking high-tech giant two-handed broadsword that was longer than he was tall. "MATRIIIIIIX…"

"No…NOOOO!" King Dragon screamed, raising his claws defensively as the giant robot approached at high speeds, raising the immense sword over his head.

"BLADE!" Moogletron Supreme chopped down with his sword as he dashed past, then froze there several hundred meters away, off in the distance, weapon still extended.

King Dragon blinked. "Huh? Well, that wasn't so bad-" Then he noticed he had been cut in half. "Oh, bloody hell-"

He exploded spectacularly, the pyrotechnics visible to everyone on the planet below. Moogletron Supreme struck an awesome pose as his sword gleamed and Herbimus got to the last part of 'The Touch'. "VICTORYYYYYYY!"

"Hooray! We did it, kupo!" Mog cheered.

"We're the greatest!" Mene cried.

"Kwehkwehkwehkwehkwehkweh!" Boco sang.

"…" Frailea leaped over and kissed Ivan, causing him to scream in agony due to all the needles that got stuck in his lips and beard. Umaro shook his head and laughed.

"_You got the touch! You got the power! You got the touch! You got the poooooowwwwweeeeerrrrr!"_

…

Everyone burst into cheers as they saw King Dragon explode on screen. There were cries of joy and exultation, open weeping, even hugs between people who usually didn't interact very often. They were celebrating back at the Ranger headquarters in Radiant Garden too; Tron was whooping and causing the control room's systems to go crazy, Cait Sith and Carbuncle made love (again), and Red XIII smiled faintly.

"WE DID IT!" Arthur cried. "WE'VE WON!"

"KUPO! HOORAY FOR THE TRADE FEDERATION, AND EVERYONE ELSE!" Montblanc cheered.

"Merlin, is that really…" Goliath started.

The wizard nodded. "It is indeed. The beast is no more."

Shere Khan finally cracked a smile. "Well…it's about time."

Mulan and Richard were perhaps the only two people in the room not celebrating. "That last attack looked terrible…you don't suppose Mushu is…"

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Shang reassured her. "If he can survive having to be _your_ guardian spirit, I'm sure he can handle a little something like this." It wasn't a very good joke, but she smiled anyway, much to Shang's relief.

"Then does that mean my brother's all right?" King Richard wondered worriedly. "I can't publicly execute him if he's already dead…"

"Your Majesty, if he's dead, you won't _need_ to execute him," Robin Hood said, somewhat exasperated.

Richard gave Robin a confused look. "Of course I do, how else can I show my subjects that I'm back and I mean business?" The ex-thief sighed and shook his head, giving up.

One of the technicians' sudden cries of alarm cut through the happy mood and set everyone on edge again. "Sirs, we've got incoming! Proximity sensors detect some kind of beam or projectile hurtling right towards us! And its energy readings are very unusual, unlike anything we've ever seen before!"

"Is it over nine thousaaaaaand?" Commander Nebula asked. Everyone frowned at him. "What?"

"That joke's already been done to death, sir," XR told him.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it has." Nebula frowned, somewhat disappointed.

"The object's about to hit us!" another nervous technician reported. "There's nothing we can do to stop it, it's moving so fast and our shields are out of power due to our pouring everything into that last blast…impact in 5…4…3…2…1…"

The object struck the castle. It hit a lot softer than everyone had expected. The giant floating edifice barely shook at all, and the various soldiers, warriors, leaders, royalty, and regular joes in the control center only noticed the impact due to a mild rumble and the technicians saying they had gotten hit. "Well, that was anticlimactic," Shere Khan murmured.

"What hit us? And where did it land?" Basch demanded.

"It hit the chapel, at the top of the castle," another technician reported. "The structure was already so damaged by the big battle up there earlier that it's been completely destroyed. However, it's just superficial damage, the rest of the castle's all right."

"As for what hit us…I think…yes!" still another technician cried. "It's Sora and his party…and everyone else who was kidnapped! They're back!!!"

There were some gasps. And then everyone started cheering again. "How can you be sure?" Arthur asked warily.

It was then that they heard a noise. A ghastly, awful, terrible noise which shook the castle and chilled every man and woman to their very souls. "MY CITY!!! _WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY BEAUTIFUL CITY?!!?"_

"Yep, that's them all right." Merlin nodded sagely. "So. Who wants to go up and explain everything to her?"

Quite naturally, nobody volunteered.

…

Much of what happened after they arrived back at Dark City moved so fast that later, Sora would only be able to remember a large, confusing blur. However, a few things did stand out in his mind.

One of them was the smiling, crying faces of all his friends, rather dazed and confused from their abrupt rescue, being brought back together with their families and loved ones. All sorts of happy reunions were happening all around him. Aladdin, Genie, Jasmine, Abu, the Sultan, and the royal guards all jostled about trying to get a good hold of each other, nearly squashing the princess and monkey in the process, while Mechanicles and his robot insects watched in disgust. Mozenrath mourned the death of Xerxes for about five seconds before trying to decide who his next sidekick would be. Prince Adam grabbed Belle and swung her around in a bear hug reminisceint of his days as the Beast. Jack and Sally danced about as the Mayor chased after them anxiously. The rejuvenated Oogie Boogie attempted to destroy them, but his robot walker had been wrecked due to the Mayor's mishandling of it. Basch and the Dalmascan soldiers warmly welcomed back Queen Ashe, while the Archadians were just as glad to be reunited with their Emperor and his eerie invisible advisor. Both royals immediately noticed an odd tension in their guards, and wondered what had happened while they were gone. Igthorn hugged Lady Bane, who immediately shoved him off. King Richard ran around chasing the recovered Prince John, who had somehow found his way up to the chapel, around with a sword, while Robin and his men just watched, not sure what to do. Mulan hugged Mushu, who had also recovered from being a monster. The Queen of Hearts chased after Alice, shouting that she was going to chop her head off for being gone so long. Shaga and Zira tried to eat King Triton, who was flopping around like a fish out of water since he had reappeared in the chapel without a tank to hydrate himself in. Kronk hugged Yzma with such force that she started screaming that he was breaking her back (not very hard, at her age), while Kuzco just laughed and laughed and laughed. Zurg showed off his new top hat (also recovered from the city ruins) to Buzz and Woody, who both agreed it made him look rather stylish. Jiminy Cricket sulked nearby, angry that Zurg had stolen his hat. Magnamon was sobbing with joy and hugging his armor, which they had gotten back (with much effort) from Jack Sparrow, while the other Royal Knights watched, his embarrassing display making them feel rather awkward. Team Moogletron and Moogletron Supreme were greeted warmly by Montblanc, Don Chocobo, and the rest of the Trade Federation delegation. Merlin, Goliath and Shere Khan congratulated Herbimus for his part, then sent the weary Autobot back to the Realm of Summons to rest. Gilgamesh was knocked to the ground by an enthusiastic Ultros and Enkidu, who had been taking care of his swords while he was gone. Hook sneered at Tinkerbelle, who was glaring at him hatefully, while Jack Sparrow went about picking everyone's pockets. The other released fairies, in the meantime, were swarming all over the place, and dancing about joyfully, sprinkling light and dust everywhere and almost causing a few people to drift away. Darkwing was finally able to hug his daughter properly, thanks to Merlin using a spell to turn him back to normal. And he had found his hat in the ruins of the city on his way back to the castle, tattered and beaten but still wearable. Negaduck sneered at the spectacle, while Glomgold, under Scrooge and Gizmoduck's watchful eyes, wrote out checks to Scrooge, Darkwing, and the lucky bodyguard to whom he owed so much munny. Yuffie was practically hanging off of Kairi, excitedly jabbering about how happy she was to have her back and all the cool stuff that had happened while she was gone and how big a jerk Leon had been, and all sorts of other silly girl stuff. Phoenix Wright was tackled by his overeager secretary, Maya, who immediately demanded to know why he was only clad in his boxers. Hades and all the other returned villains who didn't have anyone to greet them pouted in a corner. Leon was also pouting (or sulking, same difference), frustrated that he had been shown up again and Sora had managed to get all the credit for being the big hero who had vanquished Oberon and saved the galaxy…again. Tifa shook her head in exasperation at Leon's attitude, Cid drank heavily from a flask he had found somewhere, and Aerith just watched, and waited, and plotted. Pete got a big tackle/hug from Pistol and PJ, while Peg watched from nearby, a sad, wistful smile on her face. King Mickey was surrounded on all sides by Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Daisy, Max, and all the other Disney Kingdom guys who were just so happy to have him back and to BE back. A shrieking Maleficent was being held back by a number of her friends, associates, witch's coven, mother, Zexion, and Nosimono, to keep her from clawing out a terrified King Arthur's eyes, apparently blaming him for the destruction of her city since he had been the one who had taken charge of its defense, believing he could have 'done better'.

Equally numerous were the hundreds of thanks and salutations and congratulations Sora got from the people he had rescued, as well as their friends. He was hugged, shook hands, got shaken, kissed, and given grudging looks of gratitude more times than he could count, another factor that would make it more difficult to remember all the events of this day after it was all over.

"We did good, didn't we?" Sora said quietly.

Riku, standing beside Sora, nodded. "Yeah, we did."

_He was talking to me,_ said Roxas.

"Oh, sorry."

"Actually, I was talking to you both," Sora said. Riku frowned, Roxas huffed, and Xehanort laughed.

"Sora."

Sora glanced up to see, much to his surprise, a rather reluctant and uneasy Maleficent standing only a few feet away, along with Pete, Zexion, Nosimono, and King Mickey. Riku frowned, and both the Keybearers instantly went on guard. "Maleficent?"

The dark witch grimaced and fidgeted with her staff. Diablo, sitting on her shoulder, nudged her with his beak. She sighed, and spoke. "The King and Pete have told me of your actions. What you did, the risks you took, the sacrifices you made in your quest to defeat Oberon and liberate us all. It seems that I am in the rather awkward position of owing you a great debt. You…saved my life. _All_ of our lives. Were it not for you, we…none of us would be here. So…all I can say is…" She paused. Took a deep breath. "_Thank you_, Keybearer. Thank you for saving my life, and the lives of my family. And thank you for protecting Pete and fighting alongside him and keeping him safe, other than that one rather uncomfortable part where he died and you couldn't really do anything about it."

"Sorry," Sora said sheepishly, giving Pete an apologetic look. The fat cat shrugged, unbothered. "And…you're welcome, Maleficent. And just so you know, even if Kairi and Riku and my other friends hadn't been taken, I'd _still_ have probably tried to rescue you. To help Pete and stop Oberon, if for no other reason."

"You rock, Sora!" Nosimono cheered.

"Very considerate of you," commented Zexion.  
Maleficent blanched. "…Thank you, Keybearer. Now you've made me feel even more awkward. Congratulations." She frowned, glaring at him and Riku. "You realize, of course, that this changes nothing. I still have every intention of killing you, claiming Kingdom Hearts, and covering all worlds in darkness."

Sora nodded. "Yeah, I know. But you're wrong. Something has changed."

Maleficent bristled. "What?!"

Sora smiled. "I helped save you. I remember that, and so do you, and Pete. You just said yourself that you're in my debt. Right now it may seem like more of a burden and inconvenience than anything else, but I think someday…somehow…it might lead to something else. Something greater. Something _neither_ of us would ever have expected."

Maleficent grimaced. "I hope, by all the powers of evil, that you're wrong, Keybearer."

Sora just smiled at her. "We'll see."

_Pretty ballsy, bro,_ Roxas said approvingly. _Not bad._

_Preposterous! My Maleficent, INDEBTED to the Keybearer?! The relationship between them CHANGING?! THIS CANNOT BEEEEEE!_ Wailed Xehanort from within Riku's mind.

Riku started humming "It's a Small World," and Xehanort promptly shut up. The boy suddenly had a thought. "Hey, does this mean you're going to call off the ships surrounding our planet?"

"If I do, will my debt be fulfilled?" Maleficent asked, a little too eagerly. Sora just smiled at her. She grimaced. "Ugh. Very well…I'll put Zexion on it…come along, Peter, Nosimono, Zexion, we're done here."

"Okay, Mom! Seeya later, Big Bro! You too, Uncle Xehanort!" Nosimono said, waving as he followed his mother away from Sora and Riku.

"You too," Riku said with a smirk.

_Good riddance,_ Xehanort hissed. _I don't like that boy._

"Tough."

"I suppose I should thank you as well," Zexion commented, giving Sora a brief nod. "I owe my continued nonexistence to you, Sora and Roxas. Thank you." He gave Sora a slight bow.

_Gee, thanks Zexion,_ said an impressed Roxas.

"Yeah, what he said," Sora added.

"You're welcome. I suppose I should get on recalling those ships, then." Zexion turned and walked away.

"I had no idea he could actually be nice," commented a surprised Riku.

_Same here, and I worked with the guy,_ Roxas agreed.

"Well, we bad guys have all sortsa sides other than the ones you see most of the time. We're complex that way." Pete gave Sora a thumb's up and a wink. "Be seeing you, boys." He followed after his almost-wife and sort-of son, leaving King Mickey behind.

"He's not that bad deep down, is he?" Riku asked after a moment, sounding surprised.

Sora shrugged. "Well, like he said…some bad guys are more complex than they look."

_Except me_, said Roxas. _Well, okay, maybe a _little…

_There's nothing complex about me,_ Xehanort scoffed. _I have straightforward desires and characterization. I don't have any hidden depths!_

_What about your mysterious past that you can't remember?_ Riku prompted.

…_Er…okay, there's that,_ Xehanort admitted reluctantly.

"Not a bad job, fellas," Mickey said with a nod.

"Your Majesty, was I right? Do you think Maleficent really will change?" Sora asked.

"Seems doubtful," Riku said dryly.

Mickey shrugged. "Well, anything's possible. But you're right, what you've done here today will be remembered by Maleficent, and Pete, for a very long time. Who knows what that could lead to?"

"We'll see," Riku said with a dubious frown.

"So, where's Kairi?" Mickey asked. "I'm surprised she's not with you two."

"Yuffie dragged her off for some girl talk," Sora explained. "We couldn't really stop her. I had no idea they were that close." Sora glanced around. "Hey, Your Majesty, have you seen the Chasers anywhere? I wanted to say goodbye to them and thank them again for saving Roxas."

Mickey shrugged. "Search me. I haven't seen them."

"They probably just vanished mysteriously when we weren't looking, their task completed, with no more reason to stay," Riku suggested.

_Yeah, that's what their kind usually does,_ Roxas agreed.

_I hope so. There was something odd about them…_ Xehanort muttered.

"Actually, we're right here," Terra said from right behind the group, causing them to yelp and jump in the air.

"Holy Walt Disney! You gave us quite a scare!" Mickey scolded the three knights.

"Sorry," Aqua said apologetically. "We didn't mean to."

"How come you guys are still around? We thought you might've disappeared mysteriously," said a surprised Sora.

_Yeah, like most mystical otherworldly warriors do when their job is done,_ Roxas added.

_About the only thing you can count on them to do properly, _Xehanort grumbled.

The Chasers glanced at each other uncertainly. "That's…a good question," Ven confessed. "We're as surprised as you are that we're still here. We thought we'd automatically wind up back at our home, but it looks like the magic you unleashed swept us here with you and everyone else."

"Oh," said Sora.

"Then are you guys going to leave now? Or do you plan on sticking around a little longer?" asked Riku.

"We planned to go," said Terra. "But then we decided to stay a while longer."

"For the cake," Ven added.

Sora blinked. "The cake?"

"Well of course, this is a wedding, right? So there has to be a cake!" Aqua pointed out reasonably.

"…The legendary Chasers are sticking around for _cake?!_" Mickey asked incredulously.

_She makes a good point,_ Roxas commented. _Hmm…I think I'd like some cake, too. We haven't had anything to eat for a while._

_As would I!_ Xehanort said eagerly. _As long as it's steeped in darkness. Or at least not angel food cake._

_No chance of that, at this wedding,_ Riku thought quietly.

"Certainly not," Terra agreed.

Sora and Riku jumped. "Wait, you can hear us speaking telepathically?!"

"You can communicate telepathically?" a confused Mickey asked Sora and Riku.

"Of course. Why wouldn't we?" asked Terra.

"Yes, after all, we're only undead super-powerful justice-dealing Keyblade masters who can travel through time and dimension at will and do all sorts of crazy magic and shit, why wouldn't we be psychic too?" Ven joked.

"That's actually a very good point," Riku admitted.

_Oh shit, does this mean they can see every perverted and twisted thought and fantasy I'm having?!_ Asked a horrified Roxas.

_And all my evil dreams of conquest and darkness and having my way with Maleficent?!_ Cried an alarmed Xehanort.

"Yes," said Aqua. "And Roxas, frankly that's disgusting. Don't make me hit you."

"But you'd be hitting me!" protested Sora.

"Don't worry, I have better aim than that," she reassured him. Sora gave her a confused look, and Roxas swallowed nervously.

_Hey, why aren't they threatening me, too? Aren't I dangerous?_ Xehanort complained.

"Yes, but at the moment you're much less of a potential hazard than Roxas, since Riku has such excellent control over you," Terra said.

Riku's face lit up in surprise. "Really? You think so? Thanks!"

Xehanort almost choked. _Well…well, I never!_

Mickey frowned. "I feel like I'm missing out on at least half of this conversation…"

"So, it's been a while since you've last had some cake?" Sora asked, quickly changing the subject.

The Chasers nodded solemnly. "You have no idea," said Aqua.

"Hopefully, the cake'll be real this time…the last time it wasn't." Ven shuddered. "If it were fake this time too…I don't know how I could ever survive the disappointment." His companions rolled their eyes under their helmets. Mickey groaned.

"In any event, we believe we shall stick around until Maleficent and Pete get back on track and finish their wedding. We'll leave soon after," Terra told them. "In the interim…Aqua, Ven, I feel like needling some of these ne'er-do-wells. What say you?"

"I say that's a great idea!" Ven said enthusiastically. "I always love watching villains squirm when they realize how far out of their league they are compared to us. Let's go pick on Mozenrath first, he's all pasty and stuff. And he's got that hand thing for us to mock. An easy target!" He cackled evilly and rubbed his hands together as Sora and Riku stared blankly and Mickey shook his head in disbelief. Aqua chuckled in amusement, and Terra tried to remain impassive to maintain his image as the cool, aloof leader figure.

_And these beings are the guardians of Kingdom Hearts?_ Said an incredulous Xehanort.

_You didn't see them take out Oberon,_ Sora reprimanded him. _It was unbelievable. They didn't even need to HIT the guy before he was begging for mercy._

_But they did hit him, right?_ Roxas asked hopefully.

_Yes._

_So cool. I wonder if I can be one of them someday…_

_Highly unlikely,_ Terra thought, causing them all to yelp again.

_Will you stop doing that?!_ Roxas shouted. _It's freaking us all out._

_Sorry,_ said Terra. The uncharacteristic amusement in his voice said otherwise.

Mickey sighed in exasperation. "One of these days, I've gotta get me a voice in my head…seems like I'm missing out on a lot."

"Your Majesty, trust me when I say you're not missing out on much," Riku said.

_Hey!_ Roxas and Xehanort said indignantly, while everyone else laughed.

…

The second moment of the aftermath of the battle with Oberon that Sora would always remember would be Kairi and Yuffie introducing him to the rest of the Radiant Rangers. Technically, he had already met them, but at the time everyone was busy gearing up to fight Oberon and his monsters, so Sora hadn't really thought about how incredibly ludicrous the entire idea behind Leon's 'homegrown' superheroes was until now.

"Shouldn't there be a White Ranger?" he found himself asking, after he really took a good look at all their costumes. The Rangers had removed their helmets now that they weren't fighting anymore. "Or at least a Pink one?"

Aerith huffed and looked away. "She _was_ the Pink Ranger," Tifa said sheepishly. "But then Satan resurrected her and she came back as a demonic being."

"Ah. Right."

_I think it's an improvement,_ Roxas said quietly.

_I do as well,_ Xehanort agreed.

_Yeah, of course you would,_ Riku thought, rolling his eyes.

_She _does_ look good in black,_ Namine admitted reluctantly, earning her weird looks from her friends. _What? She does…_

"While our outfits may not look like much, and almost all of our Zords have been destroyed-" Leon started.

"Except mine," said Yuffie.

"Ih! Or mine!" Stitch added.

"I said, while ALMOST all of them were destroyed, we still were able to prove ourselves out on the battlefield today as true heroes." He said it rather defensively.

"Wait...didn't you guys suffer the highest casualties, in terms of giant robots, anyway, and fail to defeat a single monster?" Riku asked skeptically. Leon turned an interesting shade of red, almost the same hue as his costume, as that little fact was brought up.

"You probably shouldn't have brought that up," Kairi hissed to him. "He takes it rather personally."

"No, bring it up more!" Yuffie whispered eagerly into Riku's other ear. "It's so much fun making him turn red! Maybe he'll explode!"

Xehanort laughed. _Riku, I like this girl. Why don't you try getting together with her?_

_Uh, you do realize she'll hate me—or at least, you—once she realizes that you, the guy who destroyed her home and unleashed the Heartless on all her friends and family, now resides inside of me, right?_ Riku pointed out.

There was an awkward pause. _Oh,_ Xehanort said, somewhat embarrassed.

_No such restrictions for me. Doubt she even knows who I am!_ Roxas said smugly. _But I'm sure she will, soon enough…_

_Roxas!_ Namine snapped.

_What?_ There was another awkward pause. _Oh. Um, right. Sorry babe. Didn't mean it._

_You'd better not have…_ Namine growled.

"While we might not have defeated any monsters," Leon said slowly, trying to control his temper. "We WERE able to smash King Leo's shield and make him more vulnerable-"

"Which led to him fusing with Mushuzilla and becoming an even bigger threat," Yuffie said cheerfully. "And technically, Stitch broke the shield. All we did…well, all _you_ did…was keep throwing Zords at him and getting totally trashed."

Cid was sniffing in the corner, on the verge of tears. "Those Zords…my poor babies…" Tifa patted his back awkwardly while Aerith laughed evilly.

"Stitch is the greatest!" Stitch bragged, flexing his very formidable muscles. "Stitch even got to help out in battle against Oberon, while other losers were stuck getting the blitsnack out of them!"

"Wish I could've come with you," Yuffie complained. "Sounds like you had fun." Sora grimaced, remembering just how 'fun' that battle had been.

Leon's eye twitched. "…We would have done better against King Leo and King Dragon if the Zords Cid had made for the rest of the team were of the same quality as the ones he made for Yuffie and Stitch," Leon said finally.

"Hey!" said Cid.

"Yep, that's true," Yuffie agreed.

"Ih, definitely," said Stitch.

"Hey, you wanted me to build tons of Zords in a short period of time, you can't get both quality AND quantity within that tight a timeframe, you know!" Cid growled.

"I thought the reason those Zords stunk was because you were drunk while making most of them," said Kairi. "Er, at least, that's what Yuffie said." Sora and Riku had to struggle not to laugh. Roxas and Xehanort didn't even bother trying. Not like anyone could hear them laugh, anyway.

Cid glared at Yuffie. "I loathe you."

"I know," the ninja said cheerfully. "It's a gift."

"We also might've done better if the whole team had pulled together and worked professionally rather than everyone doing their own thing or fighting with each other," Leon added coldly. "And I don't just mean Stitch and Yuffie, I'm talking about all the rest of you, too. I was the only one totally on target on fighting the monsters. Cid was too busy making a fool of himself and whining about his precious junk Zords; Aerith was too busy making comments about how evil she was and making threats she never carried out while trying to corrupt Yuffie; Tron…I don't even know what his excuse was for why he couldn't use his full processing power to figure out a way to defeat the monsters, though I wouldn't be surprised if he was busy looking up porn on the Internet to understand why humans are so obsessed with sex; and Tifa…well, she didn't really do anything at all."

There was a long silence as the other Rangers processed this. They glared at Leon, while the Keybearers slowly backed away, sensing it probably wouldn't be a good idea to get in the middle of this. "Well, excuse me for having an emotional attachment to the mechas you had me build too quickly-" Cid started.

"While drunk," Yuffie added.

"Shut up, Yuffie."

"It's not my fault my dark powers couldn't penetrate King Leo's shield. But if you think I really was all talk and no show…" Black lightning crackled around Aerith's fingertips. "Would you like a little demonstration? Perhaps the fulfillment of a few of the promises I made to you earlier?"

"And while you might have a point about Yuffie, ("Hey!" protested Yuffie.) Stitch might have been there more if you hadn't crushed him into a ball and thrown him at King Leo against his will, causing him to get thrown out into space and take forever to get back here," Tifa added. "And just because Tron couldn't find a magic solution to everything does NOT mean he's addicted to porn, Leon! He's much more sensible than that! (She had no idea that Tron had, in fact, been recording Cait Sith and Carbuncle's lovemaking for 'later study'.) And finally…what was that about me not doing anything?! I was the only one trying to keep the team from falling apart! Since Aerith became all demonized, I've been the only person left who could play peacemaker, since Yuffie was always trying to show off her 'ninja skillz' on her own, Stitch just wanted to blow things up, Cid was always leering and complaining and wanting a drink, and Aerith kept trying to kill everyone else and sacrifice their souls to her dark master! How was that in the least bit useless?!" she ranted. "Oh, and let's not forget you, Leon! You don't get to separate yourself from the rest of us! Ever since you talked us into this stupid Power Ranger thing you've always been acting like it's all about you, and you being the hero, and you showing you're the strongest and the best, and a better fighter and leader than _Sora,_ who probably doesn't even give a crap about stuff like that-"

"She's right, you don't," Riku said to Sora.

"Yeah, you're much better than that," Kairi agreed.

Sora winced. "Can we please not drag me into this or remind them I'm here?"

_Wuss,_ said Roxas.

_Shut up,_ Sora replied.

"-So I'm starting to feel like the only damn person keeping us together! How the hell is that 'not doing anything at all?!'" Tifa screamed at Leon.

"Because you're not," Leon said curtly.

Tifa paused. "What?"

"You're not. Keeping us together, I mean. If that's what you were trying to do, you aren't doing it very well."

Tifa's jaw dropped. The other Rangers backed away, except for Aerith, who looked eager to see the impending bloodshed. Leon seemed totally oblivious to the suffering he was about to bring down on himself. "I…you…you insufferable…argh…RRRRGGGHHH!" Tifa screamed, pulling at her hair in rage and frustration.

"Ooh boy," said Riku.

"Uh, should we do something?" Sora asked uneasily.

Kairi gave him a look. "Do _you_ want to go over there and get in her way?"

Sora swallowed. "Not really."

_Wuss,_ said Roxas.

_Oh, and _you_ want to go over there? Be my guest! _Sora yelled at his brother.

…_Uh…_

_Yeah, that's what I thought._

_The darkness hath no fury like a woman scorned,_ Xehanort agreed.

"Ah, Tifa, I've been looking all over for you; I merely wished to congratulate you on-" Shere Khan, who had just been walking over, paused midsentence when he saw how Tifa looked like she was about to tear Leon apart with her bare hands. "Er…perhaps this is a bad time-"

"Shere Khan, if you beat Leon to a bloody pulp this instant, I swear I will go on a date with you," Tifa said through gritted teeth.

"Done," said Shere Khan, discarding his jacket and shirt in a heartbeat and pouncing on Leon like…well, like a savage tiger.

"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Leon.

"GRAAAAAARRRRR!" Khan roared.

"Muhahahahahahahaha!" cackled Aerith.

"Uh, Tifa, was that really necessary?" Cid asked nervously.

"Probably not, but it'll make me feel better," said Tifa with a shrug.

"Me too! Hey, can I kick Leon when Khan's done with him?" Yuffie asked hopefully.

"Me too! Me too!" Stitch begged.

"We'll see," said Tifa. "We'll see."

The Keybearers glanced at each other. "Well, that was strange," said Riku.

"Should we…" Sora asked, glancing at Leon, who was screaming as Shere Khan pummeled and clawed him and tore off bits of his flesh.

_Nah, he had it coming to him,_ Roxas said.

_Definitely,_ Namine agreed.

_I almost pity that poor fool…_ said Xehanort. _ALMOST. Muhahahahahaha!_

"Did Tifa just agree to go out with a _tiger?_" Kairi asked incredulously. "I thought she liked that Cloud guy. You know, the angsty spiky-haired one clearly compensating for something."

_Maybe she got tired of waiting for him to get over his obsession with Sephiroth and decided to try someone else,_ Namine suggested.

Roxas swallowed. _Um, Namine, I'm sorry if I implied that I wanted to sleep with Yuffie or Tifa or anyone else here. You know you're the only girl for me, right?_

_Why thank you Roxas, that's very sweet of you, _Namine said, touched.

_Plus, I'd probably murder anyone else who so much as looked at you-_ Roxas started.

_Bro, you should probably quit while you're ahead,_ Sora cautioned him.

_Oh. Good point._

It was at that point that Merlin came over. "Khan? Where are you? I was hoping we could finish that debate we started earlier-" He stopped when he saw the tiger mauling Leon. "Oh, never mind. I see you're busy. Perhaps another time." He noticed Sora, Riku, and Kairi. "Ah, Keybearers! It is good to see you are well after your ordeal. I wish to congratulate you again on saving anyone and restoring balance to the cosmos again."

"Just another day's work," Sora said with a smirk.

_Other than the part where I died,_ Roxas grumbled.

"We didn't actually do anything other than getting caught, but thanks anyway," Riku said with a nod.

Kairi sighed in exasperation. "This whole 'getting kidnapped' thing is getting _so_ old…"

_Bet all the other princesses here feel the same way,_ Namine agreed. _Why can't the bad guys ever kidnap the hero for a change?_

_Isn't it obvious? _Asked a surprised Xehanort. _We don't do that because we know that if we did, the hero's girlfriend would come storming through our hideouts and beat the ever-loving darkness out of us._

_Duh,_ Roxas agreed.

_Oh…I guess that makes sense,_ Namine realized.

"Merlin!" Tifa said, catching the wizard's attention. "Um…I asked you earlier, and I'm sorry if you had too many other things to take care of then, but…do you suppose you can cure Aerith? Of her being an evil demon, I mean?"

"Hmm?" Merlin turned to look at Aerith. "Oh, yes, that. Well…yes, I suppose I could. It would probably be for the best, especially since she has the mark designating her as Satan's concubine, which I can tell you from experience never ends well."

Aerith hissed and her eyes glowed as she backed away from Merlin, tendrils of shadow writhing around her. "What? No! I refuse to be changed back into the sissy do-gooder I once was! I _like_ the freedom and power being evil grants me!"

"Yes, that's just the curse talking, Ms. Gainsborough. We'll fix that soon enough." Merlin glanced over his shoulder. "Sora! Do you suppose you could lend me some assistance, please? Hmm, on second thought, bring your friends too, they could probably help as well." Sora glanced at his friends, who shrugged, and then all three of them came over to the wizard. "By the way, did the charms I gave you come in handy?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, definitely. We couldn't have done it without them," Sora said. "They were a _really_ big help."

Merlin nodded. "I'm sure they were. Ah…would you happen to still have them?"

Sora froze. "Um…"

_Darn, I knew we were forgetting something!_ Roxas groaned.

Merlin waved off Sora's worried look. "It's no matter, I was just wondering. All those things can be easily replaced. Your life, on the other hand, cannot."

_Let's not tell him about the part where I died…_ Roxas said nervously.

"So, Merlin, how exactly can we help you fix Aerith?" Kairi asked, changing the subject.

"I don't want to be fixed! Leave me alone!" Aerith snarled.

"Yeah, do we have to? I kinda like her this way…" Yuffie said.

"Me too!" Stitch said in agreement.

"I'm sorry, Aerith, but this really is for your own good," Tifa said apologetically. "We need you back to normal, it's better for you and for everyone else."

"Plus you won't give birth to a buncha demons that'll totally destroy Radiant Garden after Satan fucks you," Cid grunted.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that…" Yuffie said, looking surprised.  
"Keybearers, I need you to hold Ms. Gainsborough in place so she can't try to escape," Merlin explained. "Simply surround her and keep your Keyblades pointed at her at all times. Fire a burst of light energy at her if she makes a move, that should stun her long enough for me to finish the job."

"We can do that," Sora said. Kairi nodded in agreement.  
Riku did not. "Um…light energy? That's not exactly my specialty…" he said uneasily. Xehanort cackled malevolently.

"It shouldn't be much of a problem," Merlin said unworriedly, waving to the boy to get into position.

Aerith hissed angrily as the three teens surrounded her, their Keyblades pointed at her neck with glowing tips. "You shall suffer for this!" she snarled. "I will eviscerate you and swallow your livers! I will rip out your entrails and strangle you with them! I will-"

"Now, now, that's enough of that," Merlin said, adjusting his glass on his nose. "You won't be doing any of that, once we get you all fixed up."

Aerith laughed. "Ha! My lord Satan's powers and enchantments are far greater than yours, you pitiful hedgewizard. You have no chance of breaking my master's-" Merlin licked his thumb and rubbed it against Aerith's forehead, wiping off the mark Satan had put there. Immediately Aerith's eyes stopped glowing, her body relaxed, and her demeanor changed completely. "Oh my. What was I saying?" She glanced down at herself and grimaced. "And what am I _wearing?!_"

Everyone stared in disbelief. "You're kidding me," said an incredulous Tifa. "You mean that's all we had to do all along?!"

"Oh no, it takes a skilled practitioner to do what I just did, you could never have done it on your own," Merlin corrected.

"All you did was wipe that thing off her forehead with your thumb and a little spit!" Cid snapped. "Hell, I coulda done that!"

"You could have, but it wouldn't have done any good, since your spit is regular mechanic spit with quite a bit of tobacco and disgusting bacteria in it. Makes a mess, but it's not really good for much else. Mine, on the other hand, is _wizard's_ spit, which is of a much greater quality than most other people's," Merlin said with a wink. "And is therefore capable of destroying evil curse marks like the one Ms. Gainsborough had."

"Then…this means Aerith's back to normal?" Sora asked hopefully.

Aerith nodded. "Yes Sora, I feel much better now. All of the violent and bloodthirsty thoughts and tendencies I had just moments ago have completely vanished!"

"_All_ of them?" Riku asked tentatively. "Some of them can have a nasty habit of sticking around longer than you expected. Trust me, I know."

_You're talking about me, right?_ Xehanort asked suspiciously.

Aerith frowned in thought. "Well, I feel oddly aroused…" Cid perked up at this, but Tifa smacked him. "But other than that, I feel perfectly all right. I think…I think I'm normal again!" She smiled joyfully, and the truth in this statement could be seen, for there was nothing malevolent at all in her grin…though her teeth were oddly pointed.

"That's great, Aerith!" Tifa said, happily hugging her friend. "We're glad to have you back the way you were."

Cid nodded. "And not threatening to kill us or eat our souls or anything, either."

Yuffie sulked. "Darn, I wanted to learn the ways of evil…oh well, I guess we're better off with Aerith this way, right, Stitch?"

Stitch shrugged. "Eh." He supposed Aerith _was_ better off as her nice, usual self, but…he honestly thought she had been sexier when she was evil.

"So, Aerith is completely cured? Satan no longer has a claim to her?" Kairi asked Merlin.

The wizard hesitated. "Well…she's cured of being his _concubine_, yes. However…she's still part-demon."

"What?!" everyone else cried.

"But I don't feel like a demon!" Aerith protested. "Are you certain?!"

Merlin nodded sadly. "I'm afraid so, Aerith. I was able to remove the mark binding you to Satan as his concubine and future mother of his children, but…I could not remove the demonic power within you, not without killing you again…or turning you into a zombie."

Aerith grimaced at the thought, as did everyone else. "Ew," said Yuffie. "Zombie Aerith? Gross…"

Merlin nodded. "Yes, so I thought she'd probably be better off as she is now, even if her powers are still demonic in nature."

"But…doesn't that mean she's still evil?" asked a confused Sora.

Merlin shrugged. "Not necessarily. There are plenty of good demons or part-demons in the universe, Satan just doesn't like people knowing about them since it's sort of…well, a bit of an embarrassment for him. You know, being ruler of their kind and embodiment of evil and all that. In fact, Aerith's innate goodness remained at first when he resurrected her and converted her to demonhood…the mark he placed on her forehead that turned her into his concubine was actually the source of all her evil compulsions and instincts. He had to place it on her, or else she would have been another 'good' demon, which he would not have been able to stand."

"Ohhhh…that explains her sudden personality shift…" murmured an amazed Kairi.

"I see…yes, now that I think about it, I remember feeling different after he put that mark on me," Aerith recalled. "I can't believe I had forgotten. I suppose the mark suppressed that thought and made it seem as if I had willingly given into evil…or something."

"We should have known that not even the Devil could completely corrupt you, Aerith," Tifa said happily.

"Guess so…" Cid agreed. "But hey, Merlin…you're sure there's no way we can change her completely back to normal?"

Merlin shook his head. "Like I said before, that would undo the process used to bring her back and just make her dead again…permanently. However, this may be a blessing in disguise. After all, even though her powers are still demonic in nature, her spirit is no longer evil. She retains the goodness and kindness she always possessed before, and will use them to try and control her new power and use it for good. Isn't that right, Aerith?"

Aerith looked doubtful. "_Can_ I use it for good?" she asked skeptically.

"Sure," said Riku. "I went over to the dark side for a while, remember? But I came back…with dark power, to boot. And I'm not evil or anything. Not anymore, anyway."

_We'll see about that…_ Xehanort murmured.

"And I've…well, let's just say that I've recently gotten to experience the benefits of using a somewhat darker power myself, firsthand," said Sora. "It can be dangerous, yeah, but…if you remain true to yourself, keep a strong control over your power, and always remember who you are and who your friends are…it can be a strong force for good."

_Are you talking about me, or about your Anti Form?_ Roxas asked.

_Both,_ Sora replied.

_Ah. Right. Okay then._

"Then…you really think I can do this?" Aerith asked everyone. They nodded.

"Most definitely," said Merlin.

"I guess you won't be as wicked cool as before since you've lost the evil 'tude, but you'll be okay," said Yuffie.

"Ih! Definitely!" Stitch added.

"You got my vote," said Cid.

"No matter what, you'll always be one of us, Aerith," Tifa told her friend.

"It'll be a piece of cake, since you don't have a voice of darkness and hate whispering at the back of your brain…uh, you don't, do you?" Riku asked.

"As long as you stay yourself, you'll be just fine," Kairi assured Aerith.

"And that shouldn't be very hard, if you're so…well, you, Satan had to cheat to make you an evil demon," Sora said with a smirk.

Aerith nodded. "All right then. If I am truly a demon permanently…then I suppose I shall have to make the best of it, and use my powers for good! Now and forever, I am the Black Vampire Ranger!" She glanced down at her costume. "Though I'm going to have to change this. It leaves little to the imagination." Cid cursed under his breath, and got hit by Tifa, who had heard him.

Shere Khan, his fur looking slightly ruffled and bloodspattered (none of it his) approached Tifa. "I have finished administering the beating to that blowhard. Now…I believe you promised me a date?"

Tifa smiled dazzlingly at the tiger. "I did, didn't I?" She turned to her friends. "I hope you don't mind me leaving, guys, I'll be back in a bit. Don't kill yourselves while I'm gone, okay?" As they watched in astonishment, she offered Shere Khan her arm, and they walked off together.

"Oh my," Aerith said after the couple had left. "I thought that she was taken with Cloud."

"Well, a girl can only wait for a guy so long…especially if he's always running away from her," Kairi said reasonably, which made both Sora and Roxas nervous.

Aerith nodded. "Yes, I suppose that makes sense, though I don't know how Cloud will take this…" She gasped, suddenly noticing the broken and bloody heap on the ground that had been Leon. "Oh my! Leon!" She rushed over to heal him.

Merlin nodded, looking quite pleased with himself. "Well, I think it's safe to say she's back to normal, or as close as she'll get."

"Yeah, the evil Aerith would never have healed Leon…which might've been a good thing," Cid grumbled.

"Well, maybe he learned his lesson," Yuffie said. "And if he didn't…I'm sure Tifa's new boyfriend can keep him in line." She and Stitch laughed evilly, while the others exchanged uneasy looks.

…

The third moment of the aftermath of the battle with Oberon that Sora would always remember, even years later, was Satan's return and the reconstruction of Dark City.

It had started with Maleficent shooting up a fireball into the sky which exploded rather loudly and caught everyone's attention. "Attention, everyone! I have an announcement to make." She smiled at her guests, though it wasn't exactly a nice or willing smile. "I apologize for the delay in the events planned for today caused by Oberon's intrusion, my and your abduction, and the monster attack and giant robot battle which leveled the city. However, despite all the hardship and suffering we have faced today, everyone has managed to pull through by working together…even, oddly enough, with hated enemies. Don't get used to it, though." There were a few laughs, but not many, because Maleficent hadn't intended it as a joke. She gestured grandly with an outstretched arm to the desolate ruins below her floating castle. "And don't think that this little mess ruins all the plans I've discussed with you, my allies…or threatened you with, my enemies. All this can easily be mended, the city repaired and even better than it was before!" Mickey coughed loudly. Maleficent glared at him. Pete nudged her. She sighed in exasperation and continued. "Better than it was before…with, I suppose, a memorial park to commemorate all the sacrifices made this day, both heroic and villainous, to put an end to Oberon's threat." She actually got some applause from this. It was clear from the look on her face that she didn't really want to build this park, but was being pressured (or guilted) into doing it. "And, after the city construction is complete, we will resume the wedding ceremonies. Oh yes, don't think you managed to escape _that_ easily." There were many groans, and a lot of Maleficent's hopeful admirers cursed angrily as they realized that any chance they might have still had with her was gone again.

"Just great," grumbled Hades. "Oh well, at least we can still ogle her from a distance and have nasty fantasies about her. That's something."

"Aren't you married?" Judge Doom asked Hades. "You know, to Persephone?"

Hades glared at him. "I'm a Greek God. What's your point?"

"Ah. Yes. Good counterpoint…" Doom mumbled to himself.

"Stop mocking me! GO AWAY!" Mozenrath shouted at Ven, who was 'playing' with him.

"What's wrong, Mozie? Don't you want to show me your horrible, disfigured hand? I thought you showed it to ALL the guys…and girls…and genderless things…" Ven taunted the wizard. "Hey, so you're a little shy? You know what, that's okay. I'm fine with it. Look, I'll go first. Let ME show you a little dirty secret of mine…wanna see what's under this helmet?"

Mozenrath's face grew even paler. "No…NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

"Oh, you don't want me to take off the helmet? Well, okay then…if you insist…_buuuuut_…" There was a wicked gleam in the knight's visor. "You never said anything about me taking off my visor! HA!" Ven's visor flashed and retracted back into the sides of his helmet, revealing…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Mozenrath screamed, going almost completely insane and running in terror from Ven, shoving his way through the other startled villains and flinging himself off the flimsy barricade that had been set up around the perimeter of the completely destroyed and open to the air chapel, plummeting to his death far below. Shaga shook his head sadly, disappointed that there was no way for him to reach Mozenrath's bloody and spattered corpse far below, he could really use a bite to eat.

Everyone stared at Ven, who quickly reformed his visor before anyone else could see his face. He swallowed as Terra loomed over him, arms crossed over his chest in disapproval. "Um. Oops? I guess I overdid it a little…"

"Yes," Terra said gravely. "You did."

Aqua shook her head, then without even looking pointed an index finger at Hades and caused his hair flame to go out. "Hey!" Hades yelled angrily.

"Stop undressing me with your eyes. Trust me when I say you wouldn't feel too attracted to what lies under this armor," she said to him curtly.

Hades sneered at her. "Lady, I've fucked rotting corpses. I doubt whatever you really look like can possibly-" Aqua telepathically projected an image of what she actually looked like into the god's head. His eyes bulged, his face paled, and he threw up violently. Everyone else who had been ogling Aqua and imagining what she really looked like gulped and quickly scrambled to get as far away from her as they could.

"There's a reason we wear these things 24-7," Aqua murmured to herself with a tinge of sadness, before going off to help Ven harass some other bad guys for the fun of it.

Maleficent continued her speech. "And now, behold! With a single wish, I shall build Dark City anew, and bring your darkest desires and greatest fears to life once more! Zexion, the lamp!"

"Here you go." Zexion handed her the black lamp occupied by Jafar. Aladdin and the rest of the delegation from Agrabah tensed visibly as Maleficent took the lamp and raised it dramatically into the air.

"Jafar, O Genie of the lamp, I summon thee!" Maleficent called out as she rubbed the black lamp. It rumbled ominously before shooting out a stream of sparks, flame, and red smoke, which towered high into the air and coalesced into an immense red genie who loomed over the crowded rooftop with a sneer of distaste and a resigned expression on his face.

He grimaced, seeing that his most hated enemies Aladdin and Sora were nearby, and he had no way of crushing them without his mistress's permission. "sigh What is thy wish, _mistress?"_

"Jafar, for my second wish, I desire-" Maleficent started, only to be interrupted when her father appeared in a tremendous and rather flashy explosion which threw off embers, spiraling plumes of smoke, wailing evil spirits, and blood droplets which splattered over everyone nearby, much to their disgust.

"Hey-o! What up, bitches? Mastah S is back in the hizzouse!" Satan boomed as the swirling red smoke cleared away, revealing that he had reverted back to his original form…and was also covered from head to toe in dripping blood, a bit of pelvis with some meat clinging to it was stuck in his afro, intestines were draped around his neck and arms, his trident was covered in gore, and he was holding a skull deprived of all its flesh from his free hand by its long, bloodstained hair. Also, there was a rather noticeable…and ridiculously large…bulge poking out from the front of his pants. "Did I miss anything?"

There were, naturally, many cries of horror and disgust from the guests at Satan's current appearance. He relished it. Pete quivered and nearly threw up. Maleficent looked rather annoyed. "Father, you could have at least cleaned up before coming back here."

"Sorry Babygirl, was worried you were gonna get married without me or something," he apologized. "Good to see you're okay and didn't get traumatized or whatever from your horrible experience. Yo, kid, Nosimono! I got a present for ya, catch!" He threw the skull he was holding to the Riku clone. "It's Oberon's head! I chewed off all the meat on it and swallowed the eyeballs before ripping it off his neck myself. Enjoy!"

"Wow, my first severed head! Thanks, Grandpa!" Nosimono cried, clearly overjoyed.

Satan chuckled. "You're welcome, kiddo! Some day, I'll teach ya how to get your own all by yourself!"

"Um, Father-in-law? Not to be rude, but…you got something in your hair," Pete said weakly, wiping off the blood spatter on what was left of his tuxedo.

"Yeah, I know," Satan said, tapping his afro with his trident and causing it to snarl. "I keep telling it not to stuff more than it can chew into its mouth or it'll have trouble eating it all. Silly living hairpiece!"

"Ah…right," Pete said, laughing nervously. "Silly living hairpiece…geez, that's a lot of blood."

"Huh, it is, isn't it?" Satan realized. "Just a sec." He concentrated for a moment, and suddenly the blood dripping off of him was absorbed into his skin, much like a sponge soaking up water. "There we go! Mmm, and let me tell you, it was de-lish! Ya want some?"

"Ah, no, no thanks, I'm good," Pete said, not wanting to see how Satan intended to give the blood to him.

"Hmm. So he can eat through his skin, as well as through his hair and mouth…fascinating," murmured Zexion.

"Grandpa, how'd you get so much blood on you anyway?" Nosimono asked, failing to see the desperate looks his mother and sort-of father were giving him saying _not_ to get Satan started.

Unfortunately, Satan either missed the looks as well, or just didn't care. "Well, kiddo, that's a funny story. You see…"

Satan then proceeded to explain, in very graphic detail, everything he had done to Oberon. Including all the sexual stuff. _Especially_ the sexual stuff. He went on for half an hour, despite absolutely everyone's attempts to make him stop, and when he was done half the guests were either passed out or throwing up off the sides of the roof, while a small number of the villains decided to switch sides and be good guys permanently, because if being evil meant having to hang out with _that_ guy, it definitely wasn't worth it.

"So then, after I got finished ramming my trident up his ass repeatedly, I flung him against a rock and stabbed him again and again, laughing giddily as blood sprayed everywhere, then called down seven pillars (each connected to one of my Seven Sin Demon homies) hooked him up to them with barbed, clawed chains that pulled his body every which-way, chewed the skin off his head and ripped it off, then sent his sorry ass down to Hell through a swirling vortex of evil, where I will continue torturing him later," Satan finished. "Man, you would not _believe _how high a note that guy could hit with his screams, he was like a fucking soprano or something!"

"That's…wonderful, father," Maleficent said, a rather disgusted look on her face. She looked greener than usual. "Really, it is. And I appreciate you telling us how you slaughtered our captor in such gruesome detail. However…I was sort of in the middle of rebuilding my city. And after that we were going to finish the wedding."

"Huh? Oh. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. You go right ahead and fix up this ol' place, I'm gonna go get changed," Satan said. "Be right back." He vanished in a burst of flame and darkness.

"Well," Maleficent said, a forced smile on her face. "Now that that's over with—Peter, stop throwing up!—it's time to revive Dark City. Jafar?"

Jafar the genie glanced up from the notes he had been taking on Satan's horrific execution of Oberon, intending to use some of the techniques later. "Hmm?"

"For my second wish, I want you to rebuild Dark City, exactly as it was before Oberon and his giant monsters and those idiot robot pilots ruined it!" The 'idiot pilots' glared at her. Mickey coughed, and Pete nudged her. Maleficent grimaced, and made a quick addendum to her wish. "Exactly as it was, save for a memorial park in honor of all the …brave warriors who have fought and died today against Oberon."

"Not that I'm complaining, but why is she building that park?" Sora asked Riku. "I mean, I don't really think she cared that lots of people died today, and the only people who live in this City are Heartless and Nobodies, and it's not like they care."

"Actually, I heard at last night's dinner that a lot of Maleficent's allies and a bunch of other villains are moving in," Kairi informed Sora. "She's granting them sanctuary from their enemies and freedom from the laws preventing them from doing what they want on their own worlds in return for allegiance to her."

"Which means she _has_ to build that park, for political purposes," Riku continued. "So that her allies will know that the sacrifices they made for her will be recognized and appreciated. They might not join with her, otherwise."

"Ohhh," said Sora. "I see. But then why is the King encouraging this, too?"

"Because a lot of the guys who died were on our side, too," Riku explained. "The King wants all the bad guys and Maleficent to remember and be forced to recognize that we gave up a lot to help them, too. For a time, we were all forced to work together, and he doesn't want anybody to forget that. That memory might make them just a little bit more reluctant to fight us with all they've got in the future than they might have otherwise. It's a long shot, but still a possibility."

_Yes, a very _small_ possibility,_ Xehanort scoffed.

_What I don't get is why Maleficent's actually _agreeing_ to all this without much of a fight,_ said Roxas. _Commemorating the villains who died, sure, but the heroes too?_

_Isn't it obvious, Roxas? Pete's twisting her arm about it. Reminding her how much he, and you guys, went through just to get her out. Reminding her how he actually DIED for a little while, all for her. Guilt can be a very powerful thing._ Namine giggled. _Who'd have thought she'd have anything even resembling a conscience? Or that Pete had that much influence with her?_

_Bah,_ Xehanort grumbled, clearly madly jealous. _Worthless furball._

Meanwhile, Maleficent was, with a little 'help' from Pete and Mickey, being clearer on the specifications of the memorial so that Jafar wouldn't accidentally-on-purpose screw it up. "And it's gotta be made of some shiny stone or metal, so it's very noticeable and can catch the eye more easily," Mickey added.

"And it should be really artsy-fartsy, emphasizing that all those poor schmucks died not just to protect the city but to help the whole dang galaxy," Pete piped up before Maleficent could protest or get a word in edgewise. "And it should have the names of everybody who got killed on it, o' course! Mine too."

"But Dad, you're still alive," said a confused Nosimono.

"Yeah, but I wasn't for a little while," Pete said smugly. "I had a big dramatic heroic sacrifice and everything, right schnookums?"

Maleficent sighed wearily. "Yes, Peter, I suppose you did. And…I really do appreciate it. I'm sure that if I had been conscious enough to see it, I would have been touched." Pete beamed at this. "Now, Jafar, do you have all that?"

Jafar, who was scribbling rather frantically on an incredibly complex series of blueprints using several arms at once, glanced up. "What? You're done? Oh thank Allah, I thought you'd never stop coming up with new details. I swear, homeowners can be such control freaks…" He coughed and put the blueprints away. "Ahem. Mistress, your wish is my command…no matter how reluctant I am to grant it…or serve you…"

"Jafar…" Maleficent growled, clutching his lamp threateningly.

"Right, right. One city, coming up!" Jafar said, gesturing dramatically.

There was a tremendous flash of light and a great deal of red smoke, and when it cleared…

Gothic skyscrapers reached up in towering spires towards the empty skies above. Immense statues of grotesque and malevolent figures dotted the landscape. Obscene neon signs and billboards flashed, displaying their wares and subjects to an uncaring populace. Heartless and Nobodies danced joyously in the streets, no longer at war with each other. Airships and smaller flying craft zipped and weaved above the streets in apparently random and nonsensical traffic patterns that, all too often, caused violent collisions and explosions. Dark City was reborn, in all its, well, dark glory. Maleficent smiled broadly, clearly pleased to see her domain restored in all its evil splendor.

The guests made noises of wonder and amazement, and quite a few applauded. "Outstanding! A marvelous show!" Jack Skellington cried. "Say Mayor, how do you think we could pull off something like this?" The Mayor and Sally both groaned.

"I could've done that," Genie said, sulking. "Heck, I could've done a _better_ job, if anyone had asked me!"

"We know, Genie. We know," Jasmine said gently, patting him reassuringly on the shoulder.

"Wait, why are we applauding? Isn't the fact that this evil place is back a bad thing?" A confused Magnamon asked Alphamon.

"Yes, but its sort of a symbol of hope," Alphamon explained.

Crusadermon nodded. "A grand city being reconstructed after being so cruelly leveled! How very poetic! Even if the architecture _is_ so _gauche._"

"But…it's an EVIL city…doesn't that make it, like, more of an omen? Of darker things to come?" Magnamon pressed.

Alphamon sighed wearily. "Magnamon, just shut up, appreciate how lucky you are to have your armor back, and keep clapping."

"WHAT?" yelled UlforceVeedramon.

_Damn, looks even better than it used to,_ commented Roxas. _Think we can go out on the town when all this is over?_

_I'd rather not,_ Sora said uneasily. _Haven't we done enough for one day?_

_But I haven't gotten to kill anyone…or have sex…_ Roxas complained.

Namine rolled her figurative eyes. _If I fuck you later, will you be quiet?_

_Yes ma'am!_ Roxas said eagerly.

_Did Namine just say what I thought she said?_ Asked an astonished Riku.

_I didn't even know you knew that word,_ admitted Kairi.

_Of course I know it, I just don't like saying it in mixed company,_ Namine explained.

_Wait, does this mean I'm going to…_ Sora swallowed. _Don't I get some say in this?!_

_No,_ said Roxas and Namine, who giggled while Xehanort laughed evilly and Riku and Kairi rolled their eyes.

_What does 'fuck' mean?_ Asked Nosimono, interrupting their mental conversation and frightening them.

_Nosimono! Stop doing that! _Riku shouted at his 'brother'.

_Sorry…I was just curious,_ the clone whimpered.

_Well, if you REALLY want to know-_ Roxas started.

_NO!_ everyone else yelled at him.

_You suck,_ Roxas said, sulking.

_I'm very confused,_ complained Nosimono.

_Of course you are,_ Namine said sympathetically. _Of course you are._

…

The fourth thing Sora would always remember about this day was the wedding itself, and what came directly after it.

Since the chapel was still completely destroyed (Maleficent having realized, far too late, she should have wished for Jafar to fix that, too), the ceremony was held in the new memorial park. It looked somewhat out of place, possibly the only spot of greenery in the entirety of the dark metropolis, a large grassy quadrangle surrounded on all sides by towering skyscrapers and flashing signs, with a few sparse trees and bushes growing here and there. Obsidian-tiled walkways quartered the park, leading away from the rather impressive bubbling fountain placed directly in the center, red-dyed water (or was it blood?) spilling forth from the maws of demonic cherubs, fish, and Heartless, and running down channels leading from the base of the fountain that went out along either side of the walkways. The blood (or was it water?) emptied out into gutters on the streets, which the surrounding Heartless happily lapped up.

Three of the walkways ended in triumphal arches with thorny vines wrapped around them, but the fourth ended at the cylindrical base of a towering statue that was made of some shiny material that seemed to be neither metal nor stone. The statue depicted Satan, in all his infernal glory, nailing a screaming and wretched Oberon to an upside-down cross suspended over a swirling vortex of flame with the assistant of a myriad of tiny figures who, on closer observation, resembled the many heroes and villains who had fought valiantly that day. (Sora was somewhat miffed to note that his likeness was especially small and seemed to be confusedly attacking Satan's heel rather than harming Oberon. He thought he could see a few of his friends as well, getting crushed under the devil's hoof.) The statue's base bore the legend, "IN HONOR OF ALL THOSE WHO HAVE FALLEN IN THE STRUGGLE AGAINST AN IRRITATING WEDDING CRASHER," with the names of those who had died carved into the curved surface of the pedestal. It probably wasn't exactly what King Mickey had envisioned, but it was still better than nothing. Sort of.

All the guests, along with the new addition of the Chasers and the crews of the ships floating above that had helped save the day, were seated in a wide variety of chairs scavenged from the castle and the nearest buildings to serve as replacement pews, since the originals had all been destroyed in the battle in the chapel against the Unseelie. While they were still seated on opposite sides of the park, heroes on one side and villains on the other, it was amusing to note the sheer lack of uniformity in the seats everyone had been lucky enough to obtain. For instance, Jack Sparrow was seated in an immense gilded throne while the poor Sultan of Agrabah only had a small ottoman, Yzma wound up sitting on top of Kronk who was sitting in a schooldesk whereas an annoyed Kuzco had to sit in one of his guard's laps, Scrooge McDuck was sitting on a bar stool, Moogletron and Imperialdramon were uncomfortably perched in absurdly tiny rocking chairs near the back…you get the drift.

Maleficent and Pete, now in a fresh tux and wedding dress, stood at a makeshift altar that had been set up at the base of the statue, their bridesmaids and grooms and Best Man and all the rest of their retinue standing to either side. Satan, once more in his priestly robes, stood before the couple behind a podium he had scrounged up from somewhere, performing the rites. He had wanted to bring back his band to do the whole ceremony by song, but Maleficent had said no, so he relented and had agreed to do it 'by the book', and shorter than usual, because, as Maleficent herself put it, "We've all seen this already. Just skip to the part that actually matters."

And that seemed to be exactly what Satan was doing so far. Well, roughly. "Dearly beloved homies, cool cats, dawgs, suckas, mofos, wankstas, and wannabes, we are gathered here today to unite my lovely daughter Maleficent and this stand-up guy here, Pete, in unholy matrimony. Maleficent, Babygirl, do you take this fella to be your lawfully wedded husband?" He shot a glare at Phoenix Wright just in case he was thinking of intervening.

Maleficent nodded. "I do."

Satan grinned. "Cool. Pete, my man, do you take my daughter, whom you had better treat right OR ELSE, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Pete glanced to the side and gave his wife-to-be an admiring look. "I certainly do!"

"Awesome. Does anybody here object to this here union? Because if they do, I'll rip their tongues out of their mouths, harden them, and club them to death with them until their skulls're cracked open and their brains are oozing out all across the ground." Quite understandably, there were no objections. "Now, since we've already got the rings…sorry kid, we'll find something for you to do later," Satan said in aside to a despondent Nosimono. "By the power that is me, I hereby declare you two husband and wife! Now, kiss each other! With some tongue action, that'd be really sweet!"

"Father!" hissed an annoyed Maleficent.

"What?" Satan asked with a shrug.

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, never mind." She leaned over and kissed Pete on the lips. There was a great cheer and round of applause from most of the guests, while a collective moan of envy and despair rose up from all Maleficent's many admirers as they saw she was now out of their reach for good…unless they murdered Pete, that is. Other guests burst into tears as they were overwhelmed with emotion and went into uncharacteristic displays of sensitivity at the sheer…er…something that was the wedding. "MOLOCH-BAAL LOVES WEDDINGS!" the Sin Demon of Wrath bawled, showering his brethren with steaming acidic tears.

"Belphegore, do you suppose you could put him to sleep, please?" Beelzebub begged the Demon of Sloth.

"He's ruining my hair!" Lucifer shrieked. "My _beautiful_ hair!"

Belphegore shook his head. "Sorry guys, I'm still jumped up on caffeine. I might actually make him _more_ active if I used my power on him now." The other demons groaned.

Peg sighed and turned away from the sight of her ex-husband kissing another woman. "I guess this is really goodbye…Peter…" she whispered, a single tear running down her cheek. "I hope you're happy."

"Okay, enough PDA, you too!" Satan said, grabbing Maleficent and Pete by the shoulders and physically wrenching them apart, much to their surprise. "Save it for the honeymoon, you lovebirds! It's time for the cake!"

On cue, a number of Tonberry chefs arrived, wheeling an immense cart with an absolutely gigantic covered platter on it. As the guests turned in their seats to see the cart. A number started drooling, licking their lips, or moaning with joy, for they hadn't really gotten a chance to eat anything in hours and that cake looked big and enough and smelled delectable enough to feed everyone.

Ven was positively giddy. "Oh boy! After all these years, we're finally going to have some cake! Isn't this great?!"

Terra chuckled, honestly happy for his younger cohort. "Yes Ven, it certainly is."

Maleficent frowned, noticing how everyone, including the pedestrian Heartless outside the park, were eyeing the cake platter with unmistakable hunger in their eyes. "Hmm…perhaps we should have installed a buffet…this could get messy."

"That's right," said Pete, pulling out a fork and a knife. "Which is why we've gotta get our piece of that thing before anyone else does!"

Maleficent stared at her new husband. "…Peter, why were you carrying a fork and a knife?"

Pete blinked. "Huh? Oh, I always carry a pair on me. You know, just in case of emergencies."

"…Emergencies," said Maleficent flatly.

"That's right!"

"What kind of emergency could you possibly…you know what, never mind, I don't really want to know that badly," the dark witch said with a weary sigh. She gestured grandly to the Tonberries as they wheeled the cart up to the altar, and they whipped the tray cover off to reveal…

A whole lot of crumbs and a rather plump Experiment 626 chowing down on the very last piece of wedding cake. He froze in mid-swallow, suddenly realizing that he was exposed and all eyes were on him. "Uh-oh."

"STITCH!" the Radiant Rangers shouted.

Aerith put her hands on her hips angrily and her eyes started glowing again. "Young alien, when we're through with you, you're not going to be able to eat cake…or anything else…for a whole month!"  
There were quite a few screams, cries of horror, and flat-out tearful breakdowns as the guests found themselves without anything to eat once again. Ven took it especially badly. "NOOOOOO, THE CAKE!" he howled, falling to his knees and hitting the ground with his fists angrily, cracking it and shaking the earth slightly. "WHY? WHY, KINGDOM HEARTS, WHY?!"

"There, there," Aqua whispered, patting him sympathetically as he started crying. "There, there. There'll be other cakes, someday."

"But this one was a wedding cake…it was going to be beautiful…" Ven sobbed in reply. "But the cake was a lie…the cake…_was a LIE!"_ Terra shook his head sadly and glared at Stitch, blaming him for breaking his companion's heart.

Ven was not the only one reacting badly to Stitch eating the cake. "Why? Why?! Why did you eat the cake?!" Pete wailed, bursting into tears. "It was innocent! It didn't do anything to you!"

Stitch shrugged weakly. "Mesa was hungry."

"Yes, and so are the rest of us," Maleficent said coolly. "So you can understand how we're all a bit less than happy to see what you've done." Many of the guests surged to their feet, weapons in hand, and Stitch swallowed nervously. Maleficent grinned very, very sinisterly. "However…I think we should allow the chefs to have the first crack at you. After all, they were the ones who've spent the last week or so slaving over it…only for you to ruin it all before anyone else could have a chance to try it."

In unison, the Tonberries raised their knives and slowly advanced on Stitch, a horrifying look of pure hatred and unimaginable evil in their beady yellow eyes. Getting a sinking feeling that those deceptively dull-looking knives were one of the few weapons capable of piercing his indestructible hide, Stitch screamed in terror and ran off into the night. The Tonberries chased after him into the darkness, moving faster than anyone had ever seen them before, waving their knives into the air with the intent to stab and rend and tear and slit until their prey was dead and his lifeblood was pouring out across the floor.

"Well, that was fun," Maleficent said mock cheerfully. "Fortunately, I planned for such an eventuality and so prepared a second cake, just in case." She clapped her hands, and another group of Tonberries appeared with another cart and tray the same size as the first, abandoned one. With a flourish, they whipped off the tray cover to reveal…

An enormous and unbelievably ornate black wedding cake that had at least twenty layers, rose almost two stories into the air, had decorative thorny rosebuds dotting the sides, and a pair of figurines standing at the top; Pete and Maleficent, standing side by side in their formal wedding dress. To the starved guests, it was breathtakingly beautiful.

"It's breathtakingly beautiful," whispered Jack Sparrow, immediately making plans to steal it.

"I shall write a poem to commemorate this moment," declared Crusadermon. "And I shall name it…'Cake!'"

"You do that, Crusadermon," Alphamon said, for once not disagreeing with her. "You do that."

"And I will sing it!" Dynasmon declared.

"Now, _that_ you won't be doing," Alphamon said sternly.

"THE CAKE! THE CAKE!" Ven shouted, hugging his friends ecstatically. "IT REALLY DOES EXIST!"

"Just like Santa Clause," Terra agreed.

Aqua started. "Santa is real?"

The other two stared at her. "…You didn't know that?!"

Beelzebub lunged out of his seat. "Must…eat…" he drooled.

The other Sin Demons pulled him back. "Not now, you fool!" Lucifer hissed.

"Yes, leave some for the rest of us!" Leviathan agreed.

"I have been all over the galaxy and seen many wonders and marvels…but never have I seen a cake this exquisite!" Buzz Lightyear announced.

"Me neither," agreed Woody. "And I've been quite a few places too!"

"Kupo…it's incredible!" cheered Montblanc.

"IF ONLY I HAD A MOUTH, AND A DIGESTIVE TRACT," Moogletron Supreme lamented. Imperialdramon patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"Hey Negaduck, think that cake leads to a parallel universe?" Darkwing asked Negaduck.

The villain groaned and put his face in his hands. "You're never going to let that one go, are you?"

"It's beautiful…almost as beautiful as me munny bin!" Scrooge cried.

"Aye, it is," Glomgold agreed reluctantly. "I wonder how much it would cost to hire some of those Tonberries away from Maleficent?"

"Oh! Master Gilgamesh, it's magnificent!" Ultros cried.

Gilgamesh nodded. "It is indeed, my friend, it is indeed!" Enkidu barked happily.

"It's _pretty_ good…but my chefs can make better," Kuzco lied stubbornly.

Kronk was sobbing like a little girl. "It's beautiful…my culinary skills are NOTHING compared to that! NOTHING!!!!"

"OFF WITH ITS TOP!" the Queen of Hearts shouted.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that was a mirage!" Aladdin commented, causing Mirage to glance around, wondering who'd called her name.

"I find the cake GUILTY! Of being absolutely mouthwateringly delicious!" Judge Doom declared.

"I don't object!" Phoenix Wright added joyfully.

"Oh boy! That thing actually looks better than anything Aerith's ever made! No offense, Aerith," Yuffie said.

"None taken, you're absolutely right!" Aerith agreed.

"And as long as Stitch doesn't eat it, it's all ours!" Cid said greedily.

"My word…that truly is a prodigious cake," Merlin commented.

"As long as it's not poisonous…" Murmured a suspicious Goliath.

"Oooh…" drooled Nosimono.

"Hmm. It _does_ smell rather good," Zexion admitted.

As Tinkerbelle flew about, ringing merrily, Pete looked up at Maleficent with adoring eyes. "I love you," he whispered, and she found herself smiling.

As everyone else made their own exclamations of wonderment and awe, only two people seemed disappointed. One of them was Sora. "Shouldn't it be white?" he asked.

_Not their color,_ Roxas pointed out.

"Oh, right. That makes sense."

The other person who was disappointed was Satan. "What? Aw, man, but that's why _I_ brought a spare cake!" He gestured, and suddenly a second cake, larger and even more beautiful than the other one, appeared. There were gasps of amazement, and a few people fainted from sensual overload. "Now what'm I gonna do with this thing?!"

A Tonberry poked the new cake with a knife suspiciously. The cake surprised everyone by shrieking and writhing in agony. Its layers split open to reveal a gaping maw as tentacles grew from the confectionary masterpiece's sides, and they grabbed the alarmed chef and tried to stuff him into its mouth. The Tonberry put an end to that, though, severing the tendril with a single slice of his knife to free himself. As the cake recoiled, the Tonberry regrouped with the other chefs, and they began to attack the foul cake, stabbing and cutting at it from all sides, hacking off huge chunks of it and sending acidic crumbs and decorative flowers flying everywhere, as the many guests stared in disbelief and the confectionary horror shrieked and wailed and thrashed about.

Maleficent glared at her father, who laughed nervously. "Uh, whoops…wrong cake…that's the one I prepared for the birthday of a…former client of mine. My bad."

"Yes," Maleficent said angrily. "Your bad indeed."

"Well, look, it's not that bad," Mirage said, trying to cool her friend's temper. "Your Tonberries seem to have that thing under control."

"And we still have a whole other cake to eat!" Pete said, brandishing his fork and knife. "Let's eat it!"

"I'll second that!" said Satan, changing his priestly robes into a bib as his trident appeared in his hand, now looking more like a giant fork than anything else. "Gluttony is a sin, and I foresee much of it in the future for everyone! LET'S GET SOME!"

Nearly everyone charged at the cake and began hungrily pulling off pieces of it, struggling amongst each other to get closer to the culinary miracle and often triggering rather intense brawls as rivals, enemies, and friends alike fought over pieces that had been ripped off already. Maleficent, who had lingered at the altar, just shook her head at everyone, including her father and new husband's, savagery. "Let the fools eat cake…" she grumbled under her breath. She wasn't in a rush to have any herself, she knew her Tonberries had saved a piece especially for her. An extra-large, extra-_delicious_ piece.

Mickey shook his head incredulously. "Minnie, our wedding was nowhere nearly as crazy as this one, was it?"

Minnie gave her husband a look of disbelief. "Mickey, our wedding had uncontrollable living brooms, Pluto, and Chip and Dale."

"…Ah. Good point."

"C'mon, Maxie, your Majesties, we've gotta go get some of that cake before everyone else eats it, a-hyuck!" Goofy hollered, running into the throng.

"I'm right with you, Dad!" Max said, following his father.

"Oh, all right," Mickey said, drawing his Keyblade. "Minnie, want me to bring you back a piece?"

"Yes please," she said.

"Right then, I'm off!" Mickey declared, rushing off to join the struggle over the cake.

"Donald, when are _we_ going to get married?" Daisy asked Donald.

"Um," said a terrified Donald, frantically looking for an escape route.

Kairi shook her head in amazement. "I think this is actually more violent than the fight that almost broke out in the chapel earlier when everyone realized the Truce spell was off might have been."

_Definitely,_ agreed Namine.

_It reminds me of the celebratory meals I and the other apprentices occasionally had with Ans—_that_ man,_ Xehanort said with a hint of wistfulness.

_And pretty much every meal I ever had with the Organization, ever,_ Roxas agreed. _Good times, good times._

"This is the weirdest wedding I've ever been to," Sora said ruefully.

"Yeah," Riku agreed.

"Don't worry, ours won't be nearly this hectic," Kairi assured the boys.

"Oh, good," said a relieved Sora.

"I should hope not," Riku agreed.

_If you say so,_ Roxas said doubtfully.

_Indeed,_ Xehanort seconded.

There was a moment's pause. "Wait, WHAT?!" they both shouted. Kairi and Namine giggled.

And so everyone had cake, and partied into the night, and for a time, all sides and histories and grudges were forgotten as everyone celebrated the…er…interesting unity they had witnessed today, and reveled in their triumph against a terrible foe. Come morning, suffering from myriad hangovers, the guests would start drifting home and return to their own lives and their own wars. But even as they fought against each other or fought together anew, none of them would ever forget the day where they had been forced to work together side-by-side…the day when a match made in hell culminated in a gathering to remember.

Oh, and if you think the fight over the cake was bad…you can't even _imagine_ how chaotic things got when all the single women fought with each other over ownership of Maleficent's bridal bouquet. There was blood and torn clothing EVERYWHERE.

…

THE END

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…

…

Wait, what's that? You say it's not the end? Oh, you're right…we still have the epilogues! Silly me. Seeing how everyone is doing after the wedding should be pretty…interesting, wouldn't you say?

I apologize if this chapter was too long or didn't adequately cover everyone, I've been busy with college and so have had to use whatever time was available to me. If you've spotted any mistakes or think I should have spent more time covering any individuals, please mention it in your review.


	16. Tying up Loose Ends, pt 1

After over a year and a half of work, here it is. The first part of the final chapter and complete ending to "A Match Made in Hell." (It would have been THE final chapter, but due to frustrating new size requirements, I've had to split it into multiple parts.) This has been my first foray into the Kingdom Hearts fandom, and with any luck it will not be my last. I've greatly enjoyed writing this, and I hope that all you great people who've stuck with me this long did, too.

I'd like to give a big shout-out to ninetalesuk and lemonsmoothie, who've served as both inspiration and partial beta readers for a lot of what I've written in this story.

I would also like to apologize for my defamation of the characters of King Richard and Oberon. Yes, you heard me correct, I'm _apologizing_ for my depiction of the story's main villain, and for…King Richard. First off, I don't think Richard was that biased or, well, cowardly. And also, I was wrong to say he won the Crusades, if I had paid proper attention to history, I would have remembered that Europe NEVER won the Crusades. Not after the first couple, anyway. I suppose it could be excused due to this Richard not being the one from our world's history, though.

However, the only excuse I can give for why I made Oberon the way he is was because I was too lazy to research how the guy had been in Gargoyles. I could only barely remember how he acted, so had no idea he actually was fond of mortals. I decided that I needed some arrogant racist high-and-mighty character who everyone would hate (other than Zeus), and Oberon was the first person who came to mind since elves and Fae can occasionally be rather dislikable in fiction due to their superiority complexes and other issues. When I learned the truth, I worked up the excuse of how he'd caught whatever drove his mom crazy as an explanation for his behavior, but that does not excuse how I pretty much mutilated his character. I didn't even intend to make him a big villain originally, I actually planned for this story to end several chapters ago, with Sephiroth's interruption during the wedding ceremony being the big climactic battle. But…well, as you other authors know, things don't always go the way you plan them to, and I wound up turning Oberon into a villain and turning this tale from a lighthearted (slightly dark) wedding story into a great battle for galactic domination. Then again, that seems to be the norm for Kingdom Hearts stories, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

In any event, here's where it all ends. After this tale's done, I think I'm going to go back to the Pokemon section and work on a sequel to my last big epic, Latias' Journey, which is dying to be continued. It's been my longest and most popular story to date, but looking back I think I could have done better, and fully intend to in the next story.

Enough of my rambling, though. Thank you all for reading this story, and I hope you enjoy the final few parts of "A Match Made in Hell."

…

Disclaimer: Any original characters (if there are any) are owned by me. Most everyone else is owned by Square Enix or Disney.

…

A few weeks after Pete and Maleficent's wedding…

The oceans were turning red with blood. The armies of Atlantica and Sharkania were clashing in a relatively empty undersea canyon outside of the great aquatic capital. Mermen and mermaids, octopi and whales and dolphins, crabs and armored fish and seahorses and warriors of all kinds serving under the banner of King Triton threw themselves against the ruthless sharks and marine Heartless controlled by Emperor Shaga.

The battle was not going well for Triton. His forces were taking heavy casualties due to the unrelenting bloodlust of Shaga's forces. The slightest injury or fatigue among the Atlantican forces could drive the Sharkanians into a frenzy and cause the sharks to tear the poor soldiers into chum, even attacking themselves in their hunger and only making themselves more blood-crazed in the process. Shaga's Heartless were no less fierce, swarming all over the place and even competing with the Sharkanians to devour the hearts of the Atlanticans, for the Sharkanians knew that every victim the Heartless chose would become one of them, leaving no body or juicy flesh for the shark-people to consume. In any other army, this lack of discipline would inevitably lead to its downfall, but the Sharkanians had no need for discipline on the battlefield. It was their style to simply charge towards their enemy's weak spot and bite and feed and rip and tear until there was nothing left to eat.

However…Triton knew all too well that same combat style could be used against them. All he needed to do was hold out a little longer. Just a little bit longer…

"Your Majesty, we can't stay here any longer!" Sebastian the crab cried, poking out of the king's lengthy white hair. "If we stay any longer, we're going to be massacred, mon! I don't want to get eaten by the Sharkanians!"

"Don't, worry, Sebastian," the King murmured, tugging on the reins of his chariot and guiding his mighty battle-seahorses back into the fray. "The battle isn't lost yet!" He charged up his trident and swept it through the water before him, firing an energy beam that cut a swathe through the middle of the Sharkanian horde, causing a great cloud of blood to fill the water. The closest shark-men immediately turned inwards, swimming into the cloud to consume what was left of their dead brethren, as was their custom.

The king smirked as he saw this, and Sebastian shivered in fright. "Disgusting cannibals…"

"If what I'm planning works, there'll be more of that soon enough…" Triton said enigmatically.

"If we can hold out that long!" Sebastian squeaked.

Ignoring his advisor, Triton wheeled his chariot about again and started charging directly towards the rear of the enemy army, skirting around the outside edge and blasting Sharkanians and Heartless who swam at him with his trident. His bodyguards, a pair of heavily-armored killer whales and a small pod of armored dolphins, flew out ahead of him and slammed bodily into advancing enemy soldiers like torpedoes, breaking their bodies and spilling blood and darkness out into the water, blackening the seas even more. Veterans of many a battle, there were few fish (or rather, mammals) whom Triton would trust his life with. With the porpoises and orcas guarding him, Triton was able to steer his chariot towards his goal: the covered palanquin in which Emperor Shaga sat and feasted on a bowl of sea slugs, observing the carnage and bloodshed he was causing with an aroused and gleeful look on his face. The palanquin was surrounded by the toughest members of Shaga's army, unbelievably massive and cruel-looking Sharkanians with heavy armor and bladed weapons; along with immense and deadly Heartless that looked to have been made out of Great White Sharks, squid, and even a few poor whales. There was no way Triton and his soldiers could attack the Emperor without contending with Shaga's personal guard, but an assassination was not Triton's intent. Not this day, anyway.

"Shaga!" Triton bellowed, firing a beam from his trident at the palanquin. One of Shaga's bodyguards immediately intercepted the attack and was blown to pieces by it, then devoured by his fellows.

Shaga glanced away from the bloodshed of the battlefield and grinned at Triton with his many fangs. "Triton. So good to see you again. I do not suppose you have come here hoping to surrender? Because you know as well as I do that it is not in my people's nature to show mercy…"

Triton offered the Sharkanian ruler an equally fierce grin. "I am not here to offer terms of surrender, Shaga. I am here to accept _yours_. If you do not surrender at once and leave this field of battle immediately, I shall utterly decimate your army and force you to flee with blood streaming from your gills."

Shaga was clearly taken aback by this. "What? What are you talking about?!"

Triton smirked as the waters darkened, the sunlight shining down from the surface far above them being blotted out by something. _Several_ somethings. Shaga and his guards and quite a few warriors on both sides paused in their fighting and looked up in confusion to see several dozen large dark shapes floating on the surface of the ocean directly above them. As they looked on, perplexed, a myriad of much smaller objects broke off from these larger shapes and began drifting down towards the armies, sinking to the bottom of the ocean. "Our reinforcements have just arrived."

Shaga gaped. "Triton! Those are _human_ vessels! What have you done?!"

"What I had to, to protect my people...I have made an alliance with the surface-dwellers against those like you who would threaten to destroy us, much as I have also made an alliance with King Mickey and the other worlds beyond our own, just as you have joined forces with Maleficent," Triton explained as the objects dumped by the ships sank closer to them. "Even now, I am not certain it was the right thing to do…but if it will keep my people safe, then I will do whatever is necessary to help them survive." Triton raised his trident and spurred his seahorses. "ALL ATLANTICAN TROOPS, FALL BACK! CLEAR THE FIELD OF BATTLE IMMEDIATELY!" His seahorses whinnied and pulled his chariot away from Shaga's palanquin.

The Emperor snarled and sent some of his soldiers after Triton and his guards, though he doubted they would not him. "Blast it!" he growled, glancing back at the battlefield, noting that the Atlantican troops were indeed pulling back, much to the confusion of the Sharkanian and Heartless soldiers. "What is he up to?"

It was then he noticed that the objects that had fallen from the human ships had reached the battlefield and were starting to sink by his soldiers, who either swam out of the way or moved closer out of curiosity. Shaga's eyes widened when he saw that all the objects were thick, watertight barrels, with what looked like some kind of ticking alarm clock or timer strapped to the sides. "Oh no…EVERYONE! STAY AWAY FROM THOSE BARRELS! GET OUT OF THE WAY-"

The barrels exploded, blasting portions of Shaga's legions to pieces and severely reducing his numbers. More blood and body parts spilled out across the water, catching the attention of the Sharkanians who had not been in range of the explosions and triggering their hunger, causing them to immediately surge forward to feast on the remains of their companions…and causing themselves to get obliterated by the second wave of explosive mines dropped by the human ships. The already disorganized and wild lines of Shaga's army dissolved into pure bloody chaos as the soldiers, driven mad by the explosions and the overflowing blood in the water supplied by their comrades, went into a feeding frenzy and devoured the wounded Sharkanians, ripping each other to shreds in the process and only making their hunger stronger. The Heartless shrieked in pain as they got caught up in the frenzy and were attacked from all sides and eaten as well, the Sharkanians too lost in their instinctive bloodlust to discern ally from enemy or shark-man from darkling, content just to eat everything in sight and think about the consequences later.

Within seconds, the army of thousands was reduced to only a few hundred, the explosions and subsequent feeding frenzy wiping out a significant number of the invading soldiers and leaving the resulting force vastly outnumbered by the Atlantican army, which had been watching everything from a safe distance. Shaga was, understandably, enraged by this, his anger incited further by his desperate attempts to stop the bloodlust from rising in himself and causing him to join the frenzy. "DAMN YOU, TRITON!" he roared to the fleeing merman king. "DO NOT THINK THIS IS OVER! THIS WAR HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN! I HAVE MORE SOLDIERS THAN THESE ABOUT TO HATCH BACK IN SHARKANIA! WE WILL RETURN WITH AN EVEN GREATER ARMY, AND MY PEOPLE SHALL TURN YOUR KINGDOM INTO A BLOODY ABBATTOIR! THE FEASTING WILL NEVER END!"

"The only feast you and your kind will have will be at Satan's dining hall in Hell," Triton shot back, pulling back on his reins so his seahorses turned him around towards Shaga once again. "We will be waiting for your army, Shaga…and the next time we fight, Atlantica will have even more allies to stand against you. Our seas will never fall into your jaws, Emperor."

Shaga growled angrily as the madness finally seemed to go out of his remaining soldiers, and they realized to their horror that they had lost. "I wonder if you will say the same thing once I have eaten your precious Ariel, Triton…after all, she is no longer a mermaid. If she were to fall into the sea in a boating accident…there would be very little to save her from a shark attack."

Triton's face stiffened in anger. "Shaga…if you dare to touch a hair on her head, I will personally impale your head on my trident and set it outside Atlantica as a warning to all who would threaten my kingdom and my people."

Shaga laughed. "You can't protect her all the time, Triton…after all, it's not like you can keep an eye over her on land…and the Heartless, unlike your merfolk, are fully capable of thriving in any environment." As Triton snarled, Shaga grinned and gestured with one hand, causing a rather large swirling portal of darkness to appear deeper in the canyon. "You have won this time, Triton, but we will return. I look forward to _eating_ you again." Laughing, his palanquin rose up and carried him down into the portal. The remainder of his army quickly swam through behind him, the vortex closing shut as the last of them went through.

Triton's fist tightened around his trident, and veins stood out on his forehead in anger at the thought of Shaga or his minions hurting his daughter. "Your Majesty, be careful…you know you have to watch your blood pressure!" Sebastian warned the king anxiously. "You have nothing to worry about, mon…Prince Eric will take good care of Ariel. There's no way he'll be letting Shaga's goons get their fins and fangs in her! He was just bluffing to save face, he knows he can't beat us! Look how badly we beat him here today!"

Triton sighed and rubbed his temples. "We may have beaten him…but we suffered heavy casualties as well." He looked over his shoulder at the Atlantican army, who were weary and exhausted from a long day of battle. There were much fewer of them now than there had been when the fight had started. There were no injured; the Sharkanians and the Heartless had eaten them all. "Shaga is right…this is not over. Much more blood will taint the seas before this war is ended."

…

"You wanted to see me, Your Excellency?"

The Emperor of China glanced up from a scroll one of the many advisors clustered around his throne was offering him and smiled in recognition as Mulan, wearing the armor which designated her as a member of the Imperial Guard, stood straight before him. (He always found her ability to maintain perfect posture, even when there was a small red dragon crawling all over her skin, fascinating.) "Ah, Fa Mulan. Yes, you are just the person I wanted to see..." He glanced at all the other courtiers, advisors, servants, guards, and other palace functionaries filling the room. "In private."

Getting the hint, everyone quickly emptied out of the throne room. The only people who remained were Mulan, the Emperor himself, and the Emperor's specially trained mute servants. Since they were unable to talk, there was no reason to keep them from hearing any national secrets. After the mutes had closed and secured all the large doors leading away from the throne room, the Emperor looked directly at Mulan. She stood even straighter, something he had not thought possible. "Mulan, I have called you in here because I have a…mission of some importance for you."

As if on cue, Mushu's head abruptly popped out of the collar of Mulan's armor. "A mission? Booyah! It's about time, we haven't had anything to do but sit around and be all vigilant and stuff for weeks mmphmphmmphmph!"

Mulan, who had closed her hand over her guardian dragon's jaw, shoved the red lizard back into her armor. It seemed that being turned into a giant monster and fusing with another one to become an even bigger monster hadn't changed his personality one bit. The spirits of the Fa family's ancestors hadn't been particularly happy when they found out he was still alive. (Cri-Kee was happy, but somewhat disappointed he had to be a gong ringer again.) "What do you need of me, Your Excellency?"

The Emperor stroked his beard. "Fa Mulan…what I am about to tell you cannot leave this room. You cannot tell anyone; not your friends, not your family, not even Shang. I would have asked Mushu to leave the room due to his tendency to…speak out without meaning to…"

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Mushu demanded, popping up once again. Mulan shoved him down once more.

"-If it weren't for the fact that this may concern him too," the Emperor finished.

"I understand the need for secrecy, Your Excellency. I won't tell a soul," Mulan promised the Emperor. "And I'll make sure Mushu won't either. Right, Mushu?"

"Yeah, yeah…" the dragon grumbled unhappily, clearly disappointed he couldn't brag about his big mission to everyone back at the family shrine.

The Emperor nodded, looking satisfied. "Very good. I knew I could count on you." He was quiet for a moment. Then, with a heavy sigh, he told her the grave news. "There have been Heartless sighted near China."

Mulan's expression did not change to show her surprise. Mushu, however, shouted, "The HELL?!"

"Where?" Mulan asked, one hand instinctively going for her sword.

"Just outside the Great Wall. Only a few have been spotted by our sentries so far, however…" the Emperor trailed off.

"They could just be the advance scouts of a much larger invasion force," Mulan finished.

The Emperor nodded. "I have already dispatched Captain Shang and his troops to investigate."

At this, Mulan _did_ look surprised. "I thought he was just going on a training exercise."

The Emperor shook his head. "No, that was a lie told to keep the populace from knowing the Heartless have returned."

Mulan frowned. "And why the heck weren't we told?!" Mushu demanded. Mulan pushed him back down her armor.

The Emperor sighed. "I apologize for the deception, but…it was not yet time for you to know. And aside from that…" He glanced around shiftily. "You never know who might be listening."

"Huh?" asked a confused Mushu.

It didn't take Mulan long to figure out her liege's meaning. "You think there might be someone in the palace who has ties to the Heartless."

The Emperor nodded. "There have been…rumors, let us leave it at that. I am having my own agents investigate the possibility of a traitor within these walls. There are plenty in my court who would gladly give in to the darkness if it meant pushing me off the throne so that they could rule China." He shrugged. "Of course, it's just as possible that the Heartless are being controlled by someone else altogether. China has many enemies. However, until we can be positive, we need to keep how much we know a secret…so that enemy ears don't know that we're on to them."

Mulan nodded. "I see. When will the public learn about the existence of the threat?"

"Once we've ascertained that it IS a threat and that the Heartless sighted so far are part of a larger army and not just some aimless scavengers wandering about in search of hearts," the Emperor informed her. "But just in case…well, that's where your mission comes in."

Mulan stood at attention…some more. "What do you require of me?"

"US, Mulan, he said something about me, too!" Mushu pointed out. "What can we do to help you out, big guy?"

The Emperor turned in his throne to look at a large wall fresco detailing a very impressive five-clawed Imperial Chinese dragon. "Tell me, Mulan…how many actual, living dragons have you seen in your life? Other than Mushu, that is."

"What, don't I count?" Mushu complained.

Ignoring him, Mulan thought for a moment. "…The Storm Rider. The Heartless Xigbar sent to kill you. And the King Dragon, I suppose, though I'm not sure he counted."

The Emperor nodded. "I do not think so either. But that Heartless monster was the first dragon—other than Mushu—that I have ever seen in my many years as well. Do you know why that is, Mulan? Why China is sometimes called 'the Land of Dragons' even though there are almost none to be found anywhere?"

"Because they lived here once, but then left," Mulan said. "At least, according to the old stories."

"Yeah, and some stupid humans drove 'em out!" Mushu said with a huff. "But they didn't notice little guys like me, so we were able to hide out and pretend to be lizards or get adopted by families as guardian spirits and stuff like that. That's how my granddaddy got our family a sweet gig working for the Fa family!"

The Emperor nodded in agreement. "That is correct. Both the old fables and the palace history records confirms this. Over a thousand years ago, humans and dragons lived together in harmony, working together and centering their lives around each other. But then a greedy emperor…not one of my ancestors, thankfully…tried to capture and control all the dragons and use them as an army to dominate the world. He was stopped, thankfully, but many dragons and humans died before his reign was ended. The dragons were so disgusted by the damage caused by one human's greed that they removed themselves from our world so their power could not be abused again, for the good of both our peoples."

"Coulda left us little guys a forwarding address," Mushu grumbled.

Mulan frowned. "If they removed themselves from our world, then where did Xaldin find a dragon to turn into a Heartless?"

The Emperor shrugged. "As you know by now, there are many worlds besides our own. Many of them have dragons, though not all are related to the ones who used to live here. One of those worlds is the place to which the dragons of our land retreated to…and it is from that world that the Storm Rider dragon originated." He paused for a moment. "And it is also from that world which the emissary that arrived at my palace a few days ago came from."

At this, Mulan gasped. "An emissary?!"

"Holy cow!" cried Mushu.

"What did this…emissary want?" asked the amazed Mulan.

"The abduction and…_mutilation _of one of their own by Xigbar has made the descendants of the dragons who once lived here aware of the great darkness which threatens our universe. There are many dragons who think that they should act against this darkness…and there are others still who think that they will fail if they do not join forces once more with the humans who were their friends long ago," the Emperor explained. "The emissary who recently came to me was a representative of the dragons who wish to renew contact with our people. However…while they would like to ally with us once more, they are not entirely certain we can be trusted. Dragons have long memories, and do not forgive betrayals easily."

"You got that right!" Mushu commented.

Mulan quieted him. "If they are uncertain that we can be trusted, then we must prove to them that we have changed; that we are not like the humans that tried to enslave them almost a thousand years ago."

The Emperor nodded. "Precisely. And that, Mulan, is why I am sending you and Mushu back with the emissary to the dragon realm."

Mulan was visibly startled by this. "What?!"

"Whoa! Cool…I ain't never been there! Wait'll the other spirits hear about this, they'll flip!" Mushu said excitedly. He paused. "Oh, wait…not supposed to tell anyone…darn."

"You…want to send me, Excellency?" Mulan asked, regaining her composure.

The Emperor nodded. "When the emissary told me of the reason he had come to my court, he asked if there were any humans within my domain who I thought embodied enough virtue to convince the doubting dragons that not all humans of the present day are like the greedy people of the past. And the first person I thought of was, of course, you, Fa Mulan. I could think of no other person capable enough of showing the dragons why it is in everyone's best interests to ally with us once more."

Mulan was speechless. Mushu was not. "You rock, girl! Yeah, if anyone can do it, it's definitely you!"

"Excellency, I do not mean to disparage your choice, but…are you sure I am the right person for this mission?" asked a stunned Mulan. "I'm a warrior, not a diplomat!"

The Emperor shook his head. "Diplomacy is not what this situation calls for…and besides, I already have my best diplomats negotiating with representatives from the Disney Empire for the most advantageous position we can get in King Mickey's growing inter-world alliance. No, you are most definitely the right person for the job, Mulan. You possess honor, courage, dedication and duty…the kinds of virtues that the dragons of old respected above all. Only Captain Shang comes close to the same ideal you exemplify, and I need him here, so you are the one I must send to the dragon realms." He smiled. "It also helps that you have a dragon of your own, of sorts, and so may be more used to their kind than others in my court, who are so skittish they sometimes run screaming if they see a tiny mouse or lizard or even an insect scurrying about."

"Ha, those guys ARE wusses, aren't they?" Mushu said smugly.

Mulan nodded. "If that is the case…then I would be honored to be our kingdom's representative to the dragons, Your Excellency. When shall I be departing?"

"Very soon. The emissary is currently resting from his long journey here, but when he is recovered he intends to depart immediately, so you must be ready to leave at a moment's notice," the Emperor explained. "I will leave word with your family that you had to go out on a secret mission of national importance, which is true enough. I will also inform Captain Shang upon his return as to your true whereabouts, since I am certain he will be wondering." He was smiling as he said that, and it was very hard for Mulan not to flush.

"I'll pack my things. But, Excellency…" Mulan hesitated. "Do you have any idea how long I can expect to be gone?"

There was a pause. The Emperor sighed. "I…truly cannot say. As long as it takes you to do what needs to be done, I suppose."

"Well, yeah, but how long is that?" Mushu spoke up.

Mulan glared at her dragon. "As long as is necessary." She understood at once the unspoken implications of her mission. She could be gone for only a few days…or months, maybe even years. She knew already from the short time she had worked in the palace how difficult diplomatic processes were and how _very_ slow and frustrating bueracracies could be. There was no way to know for certain that dragon politics would be any different.

It did not matter, though. She would go to the dragon realms and fulfill her duty…no matter what the personal cost to her might be in the end. She could do nothing less. "Is there anything else I should know?" she asked the Emperor.

"I have told you everything you need to know," he replied. "I am confident that you will succeed in your mission, Fa Mulan."

She bowed. "I hope to prove myself worthy of your confidence, Excellency."

He smiled at her. "You already have." He waved her away. "You are dismissed."

She nodded and turned to leave the throne room. After they had passed through the large gates leading out into the rest of the palace, Mushu spoke up again. "Well, this should be fun. We're gonna go to the dragon realms! I hear my great-great-grandpappy still lives there, should be interesting to meet him. And the other big guys, too!" He frowned. "Hey, you don't think the other dragons are gonna look down on me for being…well…kind of scrawny, do you?"

"Most people look down on you, Mushu. It's rather hard not to," Mulan said honestly.

He blinked. "HEY!" Mulan snickered. It served him right, he should know by now not to keep sticking his head out and interrupting conversations. Not only was it rude, but most people thought it rather odd that one of the Emperor's top guardsmen…guardswomen…guardspersons talked to her own armor, which seemed to talk back.

…

The kingdom of Agrabah was under attack…again.

"We've had a pretty busy week," a man looking for a little something to get his wife for their anniversary said conversationally to the jeweller whose wares he was examining in the bazaar, ignoring the rather large robot insects swarming all over the city streets around him. "First we got attacked by the shambling Mamluks, then the Mudmen, and then that giant minotaur guy, and then a herd of evil flesh-eating cows…"

"Don't forget the giant dancing rhino," the merchant said, holding up a sparkling trinket for his customer's perusal.

"Oh yeah, who could possibly forget the giant dancing rhino?" the shopper agreed, examining the trinket for a moment before handing it back to the merchant and taking a look at a ring that was probably out of his price range. "Oh, and then just yesterday that giant sandworm and sandshark showed up and started duking it out in the middle of the city. Scared the baby something fierce. Took forever to calm him down." He shook his head and chuckled. "That little guy's gonna be a big strapping man like his father someday…you know, I could have sworn the giant sandshark was supposed to be dead or something."

"It was, the shark we saw yesterday was a _zombie_ sandshark being controlled by an evil sorcerer, who was in a rivalry with another evil sorcerer, the one who happened to be controlling the giant sandworm" the merchant explained.

The shopper frowned. "What, another one? How many evil sorcerers can there be in this desert? I've lost count of all the ones that've come here and gotten defeated."

"I think they reproduce asexually," the merchant said. "I mean, it's not like they have time for women or anything, what with all the dabbling they do in the dark arts. And besides, what woman would _want_ to be with most of them, anyway?"

The shopper smirked at that. "My cousin's _camel_ is handsomer than most of those wackjobs!" They both laughed at that, for the camel in question was an especially ugly one. "So, what do you think'll happen tomorrow?" the shopper continued, looking at a beaded necklace.

"Me and the other merchants have a pool going for monsters most likely to attack us in the next month. I've put my munny on a migrating horde of ravenous dinosaurs stampeding through the city, and if any show up before the end of next week, I'll be rich!" the merchant said smugly.

The shopper shook his head. "Heh, if you say so. I'd have bet on Mirage or those Heartless things that have been showing up more frequently lately. Seems like a safer thing to wager munny on."

"Oh, sure, it's safer…and therefore less lucrative. You can't get far in business without taking a few risks," the merchant said with a grin.

"My mother said about the same thing when she found out I was getting married," the shopper said. They both laughed again.

"COME AND FIGHT ME, ALADDIN!" Mechanicles' voice boomed across Agrabah, amplified by the myriad contraptions of his latest masterpiece, Mechanicles Jr. MK X. "JR. AND I ARE READY FOR YOU THIS TIME! WITH ALL THE NEW MODIFICATIONS I'VE MADE AFTER THAT WRESTLING MATCH WITH YOUR MEDDLESOME PET MONKEY, VICTORY WILL BE MINE!"

Abu scrambled up onto Aladdin's head and chattered angrily at Mechanicles, shrieking and waving his tiny fists at the giant robot. "Abu, calm down!" Aladdin said, pulling his monkey friend off. "Don't worry, we'll get him! Come on, Carpet, take us closer down!" Aladdin's flying carpet, which Aladdin was riding on top of, rippled in agreement and swooped down towards Mechanicles Jr. MK X, swerving around the bomb-dropping robot beetles filling the skies and dodging laser beams and bolts of fire from the scorpion tanks and centipede assault vehicles scurrying about on the ground below.

Aladdin's big blue friend, the Genie, flew up beside Carpet. "Just say the word, Al, and I'll take that bucket of bolts out!"

Aladdin shook his head. "No need, Genie, I've got this one…you focus on getting rid of the other bugs over the city!"

Genie gave Aladdin a concerned look. "You sure you know what you're doing, Al? That IS an awfully big robot, after all…not quite as big as some of the monsters at Maleficent's wedding, but still pretty big!"

Aladdin smirked. "You know what they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!"

Genie laughed. "Ain't that the truth! Okay Al, you go do your thing! We're all rooting for you!" In a burst of sparks and smoke, Genie transformed himself into a squadron of big blue fighter jets with a beggoggled aviator version of himself sitting in each cockpit. "Come on boys, let's go exterminate some bugs, Agrabanian style!" one of the pilots shouted in a Texan accent.

"Yeeeeeeha!" another pilot cried out as the planes all peeled away, splitting up to start shooting at the mechanical insects swarming over the city.

Aladdin smirked and shook his head. "Okay, Carpet, I need you to get me down to Mechanicles' robot's right heel. Think you can do that?" One of the tassels on the carpet's front corners lifted and formed a thumb's-up, right before the magical rug dropped into a sudden dive straight towards Mechanicles Jr. MK X. "Whooooaaaa!" Abu shrieked and dug his nails into Aladdin's shoulders to hang on, chattering in fright.

Hearing Abu's very shrill high-pitched cry, the head of the giant robot turned about to notice Aladdin on the approaching flying carpet. "Ah, Aladdin! I've been waiting for you!" Mechanicles boomed from inside his mecha. "Prepare to die!" The robot's left eye monocle telescoped outwards and launched a stream of flames at Aladdin.

"Carpet, look out!" Needing no prompting (after all, the flames were more dangerous to it than to Aladdin) Carpet flipped into the vertical, nearly flinging Aladdin and Abu off as it just barely avoided the fire blast, flying paralell to it right towards Mechanicles Jr. MK X's head. Carpet swerved away from the head at the last second before they could collide and flew rapidly around the metal cranium in circles. Mechanicles tried to pivot the head 360 degrees to keep track of the carpet, but Carpet flew around so many times that Mechanicles wound up spinning himself dizzy and had to let go of the controls for a moment to be violently sick. Abu was sick too, and almost ruined Carpet's threads as a result.

Taking advantage of Mechanicles' momentary distraction, Carpet flew behind the giant robot and deposited Aladdin and Abu on the ground next to the giant robot's right foot. "Ugh…thanks, Carpet," Aladdin grunted, trying to regain his equilibrium. "Right…time to dismantle this thing!"

Mechanicles Jr. MK X shook its head, rattling its bolts and some loose cogs, then looked down at Aladdin. "Ha! You have no chance of stopping me this time, Aladdin! Especially all by yourself, with no help from your Genie or other friends! Jr. is completely invincible-" Aladdin reached over and twisted a single screw off of the giant robot's heel. Immediately, the huge mecha began shaking ominously. Bits of metal, starting small but getting bigger with every new piece, began falling off of the robot's frame. "What?! No! NOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN THAT MY ACHILLES HEEL WAS…MY ACHILLES HEEL?!"

Aladdin smirked and stepped back on Carpet, who quickly began rising back into the air as larger plates of metal and bits of machinery toppled off of Mechanicles Jr. MK X, the robot literally falling apart at the seams. "Don't you remember? After your last robot fell apart at the wedding, you made me and some of the Sultan's guards start piecing together the next model! I intentionally sabotaged the part I was working on so that just removing it would cause the whole thing to collapse on itself!"

"NOOOOO!" Mechanicles roared as his precious robot broke apart completely, the whole thing tumbling to the ground in an immense pile of scrap and twisted pieces of metal. "CURSE YOU ALADDIN, CURSE YOOOOOUUUUU!" Jr.'s head flew through the air and hit the ground, bouncing a few times and crashing, upside-down, into a building. "Ow…."

"One more disposable death machine, disposed of!" Aladdin quipped, high-fiving Abu and Carpet as they circled over the destroyed Mechanicles Jr. MK X. "Better luck with MK XI, Mechanicles!"

The severed head of Mechanicles Jr. shook again, and suddenly ejected a golden capsule from where its neck used to be. The capsule unfolded into an amazingly intricate robotic butterfly with beautiful colored wings that flapped rapidly to keep the mechanical contraption aloft. Mechanicles was riding in a cockpit on the insect's back. "This isn't over, Aladdin! While you may have defeated my poor, baby son…" He broke off with a sob and wiped a tear away from his eye. "I will still prevail! My army is still rampaging through the city…and if that weren't bad enough, Junior's destruction released thousands of robot fleas from his body, and they will fulfill their programmed directive: to totally destroy Agrabah! Wahahahaha-" He broke off, coughing and wheezing and nearly falling out of the butterfly's cockpit. "Well, you get the drift."

"Uh-oh," Aladdin said in dismay as the buildings surrounding the scrap heap that had once been Mechanicles Jr. MK X began disintegrating bit by bit, an effect which seemed to be spreading alarmingly quickly to to the other buildings nearby as Mechanicles' mechanical fleas chewed the structures apart at a microscopic level. "He wasn't joking around. Those fleas are pretty tough for such little guys. And fast workers, too! We're going to need some help on this one. GENIE!"

Immediately, Genie appeared. "Aw, did you have to call so soon, Al? I was about to beat my own bug-squishing record!"

"Genie, Mechanicles has unleashed a swarm of robot fleas into the city. They'll chew apart everything, just like those robot termites he used in the rainforest! Except these are smaller and they're actually faster than the termites, as hard as that may be to believe."

Genie frowned as he looked down at the rapidly spreading devastation below. "Hmm, I see what you mean. This IS a problem. But nothing your friendly neighborhood Genie can't fix! Time to call the exterminator!" He promptly donned a tan bodysuit and thick gloves with a rather ominous-looking tank attached to his back hooked up by a flexible tube to an even more ominous-looking gun which Genie was cradling in both arms. He lowered a gas mask over his face, frightening Abu and making his breathing loud and heavy. "Okay, everybody out of the house!"

He snapped his fingers, and suddenly every living creature in Agrabah (including quite a few startled inhuman beings that had been lurking around, either waiting for their opportunity to strike or just trying to live in solitude) were teleported out of the city and out onto the desert surrounding it. There were only a few cries of alarm and little to no panic at this, the citizens of Agrabah were pretty used to this sort of thing by now and took it in stride, just like everything else that happened in their city.

Mechanicles, however, was not quite as used to it. "I hate magic," he grunted, pulling himself out of his mechanical butterfly, which was now half-buried in the sand. "What does that genie think he's doing?!"

He got his answer when a much-enlarged Genie appeared over the city, still wearing his odd gear, carrying a very large brightly colored tarp in one hand. "It's showtime!" he boomed, throwing the tarp over Agrabah and causing it to cover the city like a giant tent. The robot insects inside buzzed in dismay, milling about in confusion due to the sudden dark. Genie vanished again, presumably teleporting inside the tent.

A child tugged his mother's arm eagerly. "Look, Mommy, it's a circus!"

The mother laughed. "No dear, it's a fumigation tent. The nice Genie is going to exterminate all those nasty insects with poisonous gas which would normally kill us frail Agrabanians, which is why he transported us out of the city and needs a giant tent, to keep the gas from spreading across the desert."

Mechanicles just happened to overhear this and gasped in horror. "What? Poison gas?! Oh no!" Then he calmed down. "Oh, wait, but my insects are mechanical. That gas will have no effect on them!"

"It's magic gas," Aladdin, who happened to be right there, said to Mechanicles.

The inventor gasped. "OH NOOOOOO! MY ROBOTS!"

There was a sound rather like a giant fart from the vicinity of the city. The big tent covering Agrabah bulged outward briefly, then shrunk back in on itself. Genie appeared in a puff of smoke and pulled off his gas mask. "Hoo-wee, that was one heck of a stinker! I think it did the job though, Al, all the robot bugs are dropping like robot flies! The city metalsmiths are gonna have a field day with all the scrap leftover from those rustbuckets!"

"Hooray!" the city metalsmiths cheered, throwing their tools into the air…then yelping and running out of the way before the heavy items could fall on their heads.

"Nooooooooo!" Mechanicles wailed, falling to his knees and sobbing pathetically.

"Excellent work, Aladdin and Genie! Once again, you've saved our city!" the Sultan, who was also conveniently nearby, congratulated the heroes.

"You…did all right, street rat," Razoul grumbled.

Aladdin smirked. "All in a day's work, Your Majesty!"

"You know, you should probably think about calling him 'Dad' pretty soon," Princess Jasmine joked.

Aladdin flushed. "It's…a little early for that, isn't it?"

"Not for much longer," she said playfully.

"Now that the threat of the evil mechanical insects…which are really such amazing contraptions, a pity they're always trying to destroy the city…is over, let us return to Agrabah!" the Sultan announced.

"Ah…bit of bad news there, Sultan," Genie said sheepishly. "It's going to take a few days for the gas I sprayed everywhere to wear off enough for everyone to go back to the city. Otherwise, you could probably…you know, die or something. Seeing as how you humans don't really have a very high tolerance for poison and all."

"You can't just make it disappear?" Aladdin asked Genie.

"Well, sure, I could probably blow it away," Genie admitted. "Though the next kingdom over might not like it very much when a giant cloud of poisonous gas descends on them from the direction of our little burg…"

Everyone grimaced at that thought. The Sultan sighed. "I suppose we'll have to…stay out here in the interim, then. I don't think we have any other choice."

The Agrabanians did not take this very well. Neither did Iago, the rather obnoxious former pet parrot of Jafar. "Stay out here?! Without any food, water, shade, soft comfortable cushions, or gold?! We'll die!" the red feathery pest squawked loudly. This caused the other citizens to get a bit worried too. As desert folk, they knew all too well the dangers of dehydration and overexposure.

Fortunately, they had a genie. "Genie, do you think you could…" Aladdin asked.

"No problem, Al!" Genie said with a wink as he conjured a large forked stick out of nowhere. "Okay, stand back everybody, this dousing rod is armed and dangerous!" He waved the stick around wildly (or did it wave itself?), forcing everyone nearby to duck their heads to avoid getting hit by it. Genie turned in several circles, paying attention to the way his stick wobbled. "No…no…nononononono…BINGO!" He flew off into the near distance and drove his stick into the ground. Everyone leaned back, expecting a big explosion, which usually accompanied most of Genie's shenanigans.

They needn't have bothered. Nothing happened. "WE'RE DOOMED!" Iago shrieked loudly. Abu rolled his eyes, picked up a rock, and hurled it at the parrot. "Ow!"

"Uh, Genie…" Aladdin said anxiously.

Genie held up a finger. "Wait for it."

Mechanicles sighed and rolled his eyes. "This is why I'm a scientist, machines are MUCH more reliable-"

The rest of his complaint was drowned out when the earth began shaking and the ground where Genie had buried his dousing rod exploded upward, sending sand flying everywhere and revealing…

A giant water park complete with wave pool, giant slides, enormous water fountains and playgrounds, a big kiddie pool, several large tanks with sea creatures very far away from their natural habitats (including a couple of confused mermaids) and lots of surly-looking carnies wearing worn costumes resembling marine life that were probably as hot as hell in this climate? "WATER KINGDOM!" Genie, now wearing a T-shirt with a cartoony image of the water park pasted on the front and a styrofoam hat shaped like a crab yelled into a megaphone, causing everyone to cringe. "The finest and most advanced amusement park in all the Seven Deserts, fun and safe (I hope) for everyone! We've got log flumes and water slides! Kiddie pools and wave pools! Aquariums featuring some of the most exotic fish and assorted sea creatures you've ever seen or swam with! Surfing simulators! Swimming instructors! Unlimited food and refreshments! Disgruntled costume-wearing employees! Wedding chapels! Tiny vacation suites for the whole family! And, of course, water, water, WATER!" Everyone cringed again. "Oh, and did I mention that, for the duration of your stay here until the city's aired out, every last bit of it is free, free, FREE?"

That last part hooked everyone. "Woohoo!" The Agrabanians stampeded en masse towards the main entrance of the water park, eager to learn how to swim, ogle at weird sea creatures (and mermaid bosoms), annoy the grumpy employees, chow down on greasy high-fat foods, collect kitchy souvenirs, and of course drink lots and lots of water.

"Nice going, Genie!" Aladdin congratulated his big blue friend.

"Yes, this will certainly support our people until the city's gas-free again!" Jasmine agreed.

"Hoho, splendid!" the Sultan cried, clapping his hands happily. "A water park! I have always wanted one of those!" He paused, frowning. "Now, if only I hadn't left my trunks back in the palace…" Genie snapped his fingers, and suddenly the Sultan was wearing a striped red and gray swimsuit with a red bathing cap on his head. "Ah, thank you, Genie!"

"No problemo, your Majesty!" the Genie said smugly, folding his arms and looking pleased with himself.

"Well, I guess it's not bad," Iago admitted grudgingly. "You got alcohol in there?"

"Mai tais good enough?" Genie replied.

Iago shrugged. "Meh, works for me." He flapped over the fence and into the park.

"Well, congratulations on the construction of your very wet, dirty, and no doubt hazard-riddled park," Mechanicles said, backing away. "Now, if you'll just excuse me…"

"Not so fast, Greek!" Razoul snarled, grabbing Mechanicles by the back of his tunic and hefting the machinist into the air, causing the shorter man to squeak in fright. "You're staying right here, where I can keep an eye on you…and when we can go back to the city, I'm locking you up in the deepest dungeon in the palace. And let me tell you, it's _very_ filthy down there." He grinned maliciously at the horrified expression on Mechanicles' face. "Yep, one of the dirtiest places in the palace. No telling what sorts of things are _growing_ down there in the dark. I don't think it's been cleaned in at least a hundred years!"

"Razoul, I think that's a bit excessive," Aladdin complained.

"What? He deserves it!" Razoul growled.

"Not that, locking him up is fine, I meant teasing him about it beforehand, I think he's going to pass out!" Aladdin pointed out.

Razoul glanced at Mechanicles and noticed the little man was indeed hyperventilating and sweating heavily, his eyes practically bulging out of their sockets. "No…no…so dirty…so dank…so UNSANITARYYYYYYY!"

Razoul promptly punched Mechanicles in the face, breaking his nose, monocle, and quite a few teeth, as well as knocking him unconscious. The guard chuckled cruelly. "I've been wanting to do that for weeks…let's see him stick me inside a boiler room NOW!"

Aladdin rolled his eyes. "There _is_ such a thing as subtlety and restraint, you know."

"Never heard of it," Razoul grunted.

"Me neither," said a perplexed Genie as he conjured himself a surfboard, sunglasses, and Hawaiian shirt and trunks in bright flashes of light. "What are you talking about, Al?"

Aladdin sighed and shook his head. "Oh, never mind…"

…

"Thank you so much, Hercules!" the headmaster of the Prometheus Academy said, enthusiastically shaking the hero's hand. "It would have taken us _years_ to repair all the damage from the last monster attack if it weren't for you! School would have been cancelled for quite a few semesters and we would have had to teach our students elsewhere or just send them home if you hadn't helped us fix everything and even construct a new stadium for our racing team!" The nearby students glared angrily at Hercules, cursing him for forcing them to go back to school. Herc ignored them.

The demigod smirked. "Always glad to help out good ol' PA, headmaster. I'm sorry that there've been so many monster attacks lately, but there are only so many heroes in Greece and, well, I can't be everywhere at once."

The headmaster frowned. "Yes, rather odd how the monsters are getting all riled up lately…we've been beseeching the gods for weeks now, but they haven't done anything to quell the beasts. Would you happen to know why?"

Hercules hesitated. "Er, yes, the gods are working on it. They've got a big plan in the works that might get rid of all monsters forever. But it might not work. So, they're taking as much time as they can to work on it and get it right, since they'll only have one shot. So don't feel bad if they're ignoring you, they're just concentrating as hard as they can on doing something that's ultimately for your own benefit. Better not try pestering them too much, or it might ruin the whole thing, you know what I mean?"

The headmaster nodded fervently. "Oh, yes, I see! We will do our best to hang on in the meantime, then. Our prayers will be with them…and you, of course, Hercules. We will do whatever it takes to rid ourselves of this plague of monsters!"

"Yeah, you do that…" Hercules said, pasting a very fake grin on his face, the guilt of the lie he had just told weighing as heavily on his shoulders as Atlas' burden. Well, maybe not _that_ heavy… "Anyway, I need to go now, there are a lot of other places in Greece that need saving or fixing up. Students, work hard in your studies and remember to take all your vitamins, and one day you too can be a hero like me!" The students, miffed at his fixing the school and forcing them to go back to it, didn't seem very aroused by his statement. Shrugging it off, he whistled, summoning his winged horse Pegasus down from the skies. He grinned, noticing that _that_ had managed to suitably impress the students, who had never seen a winged horse before. Winged other things, yes, but never a horse! Swinging into the saddle of his steed, Hercules pointed dramatically in a random direction and commanded, "Home, Pegasus!" Pegasus whinnied and reared back violently (almost throwing his master off), before leaping into the air and soaring away from the Academy, his white wings carrying them higher and higher into the skies with every mighty flap.

Once they were far enough away from Athens and on the way back to his estate, Hercules sighed and wiped his brow. "I don't know how much longer I can keep lying like this, Pegasus," he confided to his horse and trusty companion. "The people have a right to know what's really going on. But if they knew the truth, they'd think the gods had abandoned them…which, sorry to say, it's starting to look like they're doing." Pegasus chirped sympathetically, understanding his master's plight.

The gods, of course, were not working on a plan to stop the rising monster insurgency. That was just some BS Hercules had made up the first time somebody asked him, and he'd been sticking to it ever since, since he didn't know what else to say. The truth of the matter was that their ridiculously easy defeat and subjugation at the hands of Oberon had stripped away the Olympian deities' arrogance and self-confidence and forced them to realize and acknowledge that there were beings in the universe vastly more powerful than they. Much like how Achilles had essentially died when the poisoned arrow struck his vulnerable heel because he had never felt pain before that day due to the invincibility granted him by his mother, the concept that they were not the most powerful beings in existence had terrified the Olympians so much that they had sealed the gates of Olympus, locked themselves in their homes, and were cowering in closets or underneath their beds, too scared that something might happen to them if they ventured outside to leave or do anything but sit in the dark and fear. The monsters had taken advantage of the gods' cowardice and were swarming across Greece under the command of their parents, Typhon and Echidna, who were all too eager to use the newfound weakness of the Olympians to their benefit.

And with all the gods and most of the demigods hiding in their palaces around Greece, it was slowly dawning on Hercules that he might be the only divine or semidivine being left to defend Greece. Except for Hades, whom Hercules was expecting to also be making his move any day now. Hades had had far too much experience with other worlds in recent years to let something like getting absorbed by Oberon keep him down for long. Hercules had not seen any Heartless or other monsters sent by Hades since the gods had withdrawn from Greece, but he knew it was only a matter of time.

There was no way he could handle all this by himself. He was starting to think that maybe he should see if he could get in touch with King Mickey and try to negotiate an alliance with them. Hercules was not as foolhardy as his father, and knew from all the times he had fought alongside Sora that there was no shame in relying on others, even if they were from another world, for help when you really needed it.

As Hercules was thinking these thoughts, he was unaware that he was being watched at that very moment by his immortal nemesis, who was indeed planning his next move. In his throne room down in the Underworld, Hades observed Hercules through his magical viewing portal, and frowned, and plotted. "Wonder Boy seems to be doing pretty well despite Echidna's kids running him ragged over the last few weeks."

"Yes, well, he can't hold out much longer, Your Evilness!" Pain, a scrawny blue horned imp told Hades optimistically. "Sooner or later, he's gonna screw up and die, it's inevitable! I think…"

"What's 'inevitable' mean?" Panic, a short, fat, pink imp asked Pain.

"I think it's some kind of fatal skin disease," Pain guessed. "So if you've got it, then you're going to die, just like Hercules will once Hades does…something to him. Right, sir?"

Hades rolled his eyes and slouched back in his chair. "Will the two of you shut up already? Oy, what was I thinking when I hired you clowns?"

"I thought you did it because Mom asked you to," said a confused Pain.

"She did?! I thought he hired us because of our exceptional resumes and flawless job interviews!" cried an astonished Panic. Pain and Hades stared at him incredulously. Panic flushed and looked at the ground. "Right. Sorry. I'll shut up now."

"_Anyway,"_ Hades said, rolling his eyes. "Those monsters of Echidna's are wearing down Jerkules all right, but it's not enough. He's gonna persevere. We've seen it happen before, and I'm positive it's gonna happen again. He's somehow gonna pull a win out of his ass no matter how exhausted he gets or how many monsters Echidna hurls at him. I wouldn't be surprised if he even manages to beat Echidna or Typhon himself if they come for him…after all, he's not a snot-nosed teenager anymore, and he managed to beat up the four elemental Titans single-handedly. Sure, they'd probably give him a hard time, but…I've lost to this kid too many times to underestimate him." He shook his head. "No, monsters aren't gonna be enough, and I doubt the Heartless will do, either. If I'm gonna get rid of that punk for good and make my bid for Olympus, while all the other gods are busy sucking their thumbs and quivering under their beds, I need something…or some_one_…that not even Hercules can defeat." A very evil grin formed on his face. "And I think I know just the man for the job."

"Wh-what're you gonna do, your Malevolentness?" Pain queried as Hades rose imposingly to his feet.

Hades chuckled and gestured with his hands, causing his viewing portal to sink into the ground and transform into a swirling vortex of darkness. "Same thing I did before: I'm gonna dredge up someone from the deepest, darkest, nastiest dungeon in all the Underworld, a warrior stiff so powerful that not even Hercules can defeat him!"

"Uh, not to correct you or anything, sir, but…didn't you try that already?" Panic asked timidly.

"Yeah, and didn't we get that goody-goody Auron instead of a supervillain?" Pain added.

Hades chuckled and formed a fireball in either hand. "That may be true, but this time…_this_ time, I know what I'm doing. I know just the guy I want. And while I doubt he'll be happy about working for me…I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse!"

"Okay, you do that," said Pain, hiding behind a pillar. "We'll just…um…be right here."

"Hey, wait for me!" Panic cried, running after him.

Hades rolled his eyes. "Oy. Minions." With that, he hurled the fireballs into the vortex.

There was an explosion from the depths, and a tower of red smoke shot upwards, touching the ceiling and billowing all over the throne room. Pain and Panic squealed in fright and grabbed each other as the shadow of an imposing figure became visible in the swirling cloud of smoke…and reached untold levels of terror when the smoke dissipated, allowing them to get a good look at who their master had summoned. _"No,_" gasped Pain. "Not…not HIM!"

"Boss, are you crazy?!" Panic screamed, defecating himself. "He'll kill us all! And then he'll kill us again after we're dead! He's good at doing that sort of thing!"

"Which is why he's just the man for the job," Hades said with an evil grin.

The summoned warrior groaned and took a staggering step forward. "Unhh…what…where am I?" He seemed to come to his senses when he saw Hades. His eyes flashing with hatred, he snarled and wrenched a pair of wicked curved blades chained to his wrists off his back. "Hades! Why have you summoned me?!"

"Hey-hey, take it easy big guy. I just want to…talk," Hades crooned smoothly, making sure to stay as far away as possible from the warrior's blades. He looked over the dead man, who was naked aside from a loincloth, sandals, and gauntlets. His skin was a shocking ash-white with large blood-red markings covering half of his body and head. He was hairless aside from a goatee on his chin. "I have a little…problem I'd like you to take care of. Get it done, and I can make it worth your while."

"Forget it," the warrior snarled, turning his back on the God of the Dead. "I am through serving the gods. Why should I do any favors for the one who has imprisoned and tortured me for the last several decades?"

Hades teleported across the room so he could make eye contact with the warrior. "Because if you help me…I can guarantee you a reunion with your daughter."

The warrior stiffened. "What?!"

Hades nodded. "Yeah, thought that'd catch your interest."

The warrior hesitated, then growled and turned away again. "You are trying to deceive me. If I do what you want, you'll let me see her for no more than a second before sending me back to that pit."

"I'm hurt you feel that way," Hades said, not sounding very hurt. He teleported across the room again. "If it'll make you feel better, how about this? We can write up a contract verifying that, after you have gotten rid of the…_problem_ I want dealt with, you can spend the rest of eternity, or however long you want, with your daughter in the Elysium Fields. I'll even swear on the Styx, and you know that we gods don't break an oath sworn on the Styx lightly, considering how many other promises we break regularly."

The warrior hesitated again. Hades smiled inwardly, knowing he had hooked him. "And you will sign this contract and swear this oath? So that after I am done with this one final task, I can retire to the Elysium Fields with my family and never be bothered again?"

Hades shrugged. "Sure, I got no problem with that. Frankly, I'd rather you stay there than be running around loose down here or on the surface. You're pretty violent and uncontrollable, and you've killed gods and broken out of here before, so I really wouldn't want to do anything to make you pissed off. I'd be happier with you out of my hair for good than stuck under my thumb, to be honest."

"Because there's always a chance I could break free and cut that thumb off," the warrior said with a savage grin.

Hades nodded. "Exactly."

The warrior smirked and replaced his blades on his back. The imps behind the pillar sighed in relief. "Who do you want me to kill?"

"Hercules, son of Zeus. And maybe Zeus himself. And most of the other gods, if you want to, I know how cheesed off you are at them all," Hades said nonchalantly. "As long as you don't kill Aphrodite, she's hot. Or Persephone, she'd be angry at me. Or…Dionysus I guess, he's always good to have around. I'll let you know if there are any others off the top of my head I don't want dead."

The warrior frowned. "Didn't I already kill-"

"There was a time warp. Or something like that," Hades said with a shrug. "You know how much of a pain those are." The warrior grunted in agreement. Hades cautiously came closer and extended a hand. "So…do we have a deal?"

Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta and killer of gods and men, grinned like the monster he was and clasped the Lord of the Dead's hand, sealing their pact. "For a chance at being with my family, and at destroying Olympus? There is nothing I would not do." His eyes burned with a flame of hate which rivaled the one growing from the top of Hades' head, and the ruler of the Underworld knew he had made the right choice in raising this warrior out of the depths for one final battle.

…

Sephiroth stood alone atop the tall promontory overlooking the village he had just destroyed, the fires having burned down to ashes long ago while the angel of darkness watched and waited. His eyes were shut, a calm expression on his face as the wind blew his long silver hair out to the side and caused his black wing and coat to flutter in the breeze.

His eyes flashed open without warning, sensing a presence behind him. He was no longer alone. A cold smile came to his face. "Ah, Cloud," he said softly. "I've been waiting for you." He whirled around dramatically to confront his eternal foe. "It's about time you got-" Sephiroth faltered in midspeech, staring in disbelief at his new company. "…You're not Cloud."

"No, I am not," the red-cloaked many-armed swordsman facing Sephiroth agreed. He struck an incredibly cheesy and melodramatic pose. "I am…Gilgamesh! The greatest warrior who has ever lived!"

Sephiroth blinked. "And…your companions?"

Gilgamesh gestured behind him. "These are my friends…my partner, Enkidu, and my sidekick, Ultros!"

Enkidu barked. Ultros, wearing a headband and waving a big flag with Gilgamesh's face on it, said, "Gilgamesh is the greatest swordsman ever! You cannot defeat him, Sephiroth!"

It was all Sephiroth could do not to burst into laughter, which would ruin his image. "Why have you sought me out?" he asked Gilgamesh imposingly.

"I have come to claim your legendary sword, Masamune!" Gilgamesh exclaimed. "For I am a collector of powerful swords, and the greatest only come from defeating a great warrior in battle! And there are fewer swordsmen in this universe greater than the infamous Sephiroth, no?"

Sephiroth nodded, admitting this was the case. "Very well. Usually, I don't waste my time with imbeciles and wannabes who seek to challenge me, but…it doesn't look like Cloud is going to find me anytime soon. I might as well have a warm-up. Who knows? You might actually be a challenge…" The legendary katana of darkness, the cursed blade Masamune, appeared in his hand. "Though I severely doubt it." He sliced his sword through the air, using the move to cover the motion of his left hand slipping into his coat and pressing 'play' on the concealed tape recorder hidden there, which immediately began playing his theme song 'One-winged Angel.' "Are you ready to face…darkness incarnate?"

"Yes!" Gilgamesh said bravely, drawing his many swords. "And if you think I'm going to be intimidated by your fancy theme song, think again! Ultros, hit it!"

"Yes, Sir Gilgamesh!" The purple octopus pulled out a boom box and pressed 'play', causing Gilgamesh's theme song, 'Battle on Big Bridge,' to start playing.

Sephiroth frowned, looking miffed, especially because Ultros had cranked up the volume on the boom box so that it drowned out the vibes and orchestrals of 'One-winged Angel.' "You have a theme song too?"

Gilgamesh scoffed. "What, you thought you were the only one?" He crouched into a fighting stance. "Now, let us battle…for honor and glory! And swords, of course!"

"Indeed," Sephiroth said, spreading his single wing. "To the victor go the spoils…show me your strength!" He charged at Gilgamesh, literally gliding across the ground.

"With pleasure!" cried Gilgamesh, running towards the dark swordsman, many blades swinging. He howled a battle cry, as Enkidu and Ultros watched on in wonder.

The two mighty warriors clashed, their blades ringing with an impact that shook the very heavens to their foundations.

And who won this epic duel? That, my friends, is a story for another day…

Oh all right, Gilgamesh won. By accident. Enkidu got distracted by Sephiroth's hair and tried to bite it, and Sephiroth tripped and fell onto one of Gilgamesh's swords. There, you happy?

…

It was another dismally gloomy day in Halloweentown, just as the inhabitants liked it. The vampires were prowling about trying to look intimidating while sucking blood from their juiceboxes. The werewolves were trotting about and licking their privates in public. The skeletons were jangling their bones musically and clattering their teeth. And the Mayor…

Was panicking. As usual. "Jaaaaaack!" the Mayor whined, pounding on the door of Jack Skellington's eery, twisted, Gothic tower. "Open up! We need to talk! I can't ratify the new treaty we're making with Monstropolis without your help!"

"Mayor, surely we can simply sign the treaty without Mr. Skellington," said Henry J. Waternoose. "I believe we've hammered out all the details already of how Monsters Inc. and the fine people of Monstropolis will supply Halloweentown with new technology and other goods in exchange for the screams your town is able to produce. Why do we need Jack to finalize the treaty?"

"Nobody in town knows more about screams and what this burg needs than Jack Skellington. That's why he's the Pumpkin King!" the Mayor explained. "And I think there's something in the town charter about all new motions and legal matters needing to be run by the Pumpkin King before being put into law."

"Ah," said Waternoose. "It sounds more and more like Jack is the one who's really in charge of Halloweentown…"

The Mayor scoffed. "Of course not, if that were the case, I wouldn't have a job, now would I?"

"Right…" Waternoose said doubtfully, deciding not to point out how very dependent the Mayor seemed to be on Jack making nearly all his decisions for him.

"Jaaaaaaaaack! Come on! This is really important! I know you're in there!" the Mayor shouted as he banged louder on the door, rung the doorbell repeatedly, then pounded on the door a few more times for good show.

"I don't think you'll have much luck," Ragdoll Sally said, coming over, a frustrated look on her face. "I've come by several times in the last few days, but Jack won't answer the door or even acknowledge that I'm here!"

"Perhaps he's not in at the moment?" Waternoose suggested as the Mayor continued loudly banging on the door.

Sally shook her head. "I've already checked with Santa and all the other Holidays, and nobody in town, not even Oogie Boogie, seems to have seen him in the last week!" She sighed. "If he's not in there, then I don't know where else he could possibly be!"

The Mayor beat his little fists against the door so hard he almost split his knuckles. "JAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAACK! PLEASE, TALK TO ME! SHOW ME YOU'RE THERE! DON'T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE! I'M ONLY AN ELECTED OFFICIAL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING! MY LIFE IS EMPTY WITHOUT YOOOOUUUUU!" He fell to his knees, sobbing pathetically. Waternoose and Sally exchanged disturbed looks, then slowly stepped away from the weeping Mayor.

There was the sound of footsteps, and the clicking of several locks and bolts being undone, and suddenly the front door opened inward, revealing a rather annoyed-looking Jack Skellington. His pin-striped suit and bat-shaped bow tie were wrinkled as if he had been wearing them for several days on end, and there were dark circles under his hollow eye sockets. He sighed as he looked down at the wailing Mayor. "Damn, I can never ignore a crying public official on my doorstep…what is it, Mayor? I was sort of in the middle of something."

The Mayor looked up, his eyes red. He gasped when he saw Jack, and his head swiveled about, revealing his 'happy' face, which was practically glowing with an expression of utter elation and joy. "JACK!" he cried ecstatically, lunging at the skeleton and hugging his legs. "I _knew_ you wouldn't abandon us!" He started nuzzling Jack's shin affectionately, scaring the hell out of Jack, Sally, and Waternoose.

"O…kay…" Jack said slowly.

"Jack, what have you been doing?" Sally asked crossly as she came forward, hands on her hips. "It looks as if you haven't slept in days! What have you been doing that's kept you occupied for so long, so occupied that you won't even answer the door when your friends come over looking for you?"

Jack blinked, looking surprised. "Days? Has it been that long?" He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I'm very sorry Sally, I didn't mean to worry anyone. For the last few days I've been working on something that required every ounce of focus and concentration I possessed, the most important thing I have ever done in my life up to this point!"

Sally gave the skeleton a worried look. "Oh, Jack, don't tell me you're going to try to steal Christmas again!"

"What? No! Don't be preposterous!" Jack spluttered.

Sally was still skeptical. "Thanksgiving, then?"

"No!"

"Valentine's Day?"

"No!"

"Kwanzaa? Hannukah? Easter?"

"No, no, no! Nothing holiday related!" Jack protested. He sighed. "If you must know, I've been planning our wedding."

Sally blinked at him. "Our wedding?"

"You're getting married? Congratulations!" said Waternoose.

The Mayor gasped and got to his feet. "Jack, you and Sally are getting married? How wonderful! I had no idea!"

"Neither did I," said an alarmed Sally. "Jack, when were you going to tell me about this?"

Jack gave her a confused look. "What do you mean?"

"Our marriage! You never told me we were getting married!" Sally yelled, starting to get angry.

Jack blinked. "I…didn't?" He smacked his forehead. "D'oh! I knew I was forgetting something!" The Mayor groaned, Waternoose shook his head, and Sally rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Wait one second. Where did I put…" He frantically searched his pockets. Then he checked his rib cage. Then he pulled off his skull and shook it to see if he might have accidentally put whatever he was looking for in there. No such luck. Jack was starting to get worried. "No, no, no! I can't have lost…" He snapped his fingers. "Aha! Of course!" He stuck two bony fingers in his mouth and whistled. "Zero! Here, boy!"

With a series of barks and yips, Zero, Jack's ghostly pumpkin-nosed dog, materialized out of thin air and joyfully tackled Jack, naturally passing right through his body. Jack affectionately patted his faithful hound's head, causing Zero to pant happily and spread ghost drool everywhere. "Zero! My dear friend, would you happen to remember where I placed…_that_?" Zero stared at him blankly for a moment. "You know, the…the thing? The…" When Zero continued to stare at him blankly, Jack sighed and gave in. "The ring. The ring I entrusted to you. Where is it?"

Zero, finally seeming to understand, barked loudly, did a few loops in the air, and abruptly vanished to wherever it is ghosts go when they disappear. He reappeared a few moments later, carrying something in his mouth. He deposited it in Jack's hands and received a good head-rubbing for his efforts. "Good boy! Good Zero! This is just what I needed! Thank you!" Zero woofed, licked Jack on the face, then flew off to bother some witch's black cats. Jack wiped the object Zero had given him on his shirt, then turned to Sally. "Right. Let's do this properly, then!" With a dramatic flourish, he got down on one knee and presented Sally with an eerie obsidian ring that had a blood-red eye-shaped gemstone held in a claw-like setting. "Ragdoll Sally, will you marry me?"

Sally gasped and clasped her hands together. "Oh, Jack, of course I will!" She took the ring he was offering her and slipped it onto her ring finger. It wasn't a perfect fit, but she could always just put more stuffing in that finger until it was the right size.

"Excellent!" Jack said, rising to his feet and embracing her. "Oh Sally, you've made me the happiest man dead in town!"

"Oh, Jack!" Sally hugged him back.

Jack pulled back from her. "Now that that's settled with, let's go plan our wedding…together!"

"Okay," Sally agreed. Jack picked her up bridal-style and carried her into his house, the door swinging shut and locking behind them.

"Well, that was quite beautiful," Waternoose commented.

The Mayor nodded. "Yeah…they'll be so happy together…" He paused. "Wait a minute." His head rotated to show his 'panicked' expression again. "We still need to finalize the treaty!" He started pounding on the door again. "Jack! Sally! Come back out, we're not finished yet! Jack? Jack! Don't leave me out here all alone!"

Waternoose sighed, shook his head, and scuttled away on his many legs. "I need a drink…"

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

…

Simba stood at the edge of the great promontory of Pride Rock, looking out towards the horizon of his domain, waiting. The mandrill Rafiki and Simba's good friends Timon and Pumbaa were waiting too, but some distance behind him. Simba's mate Nala and their newborn child were sleeping in the caves within the Rock, and the other lionesses of the Pride were loitering around on the plains below. There was a very palpable sense of unease and worry in the air. The overcast weather didn't help, and so everything seemed rather gray and dim.

Suddenly, a bit of color appeared from out of the grayness. A red-beaked hornbill, his blue feathers a bright contrast to the redness of the beak and the gray skies, flew towards the Pride Rock, wings flapping frantically and shedding loose feathers like mad. He swooped down towards Simba and only barely avoided making a crash landing, stumbling a bit as he alighted and nearly falling on his beak, quickly turning the motion into a bow to save some face. "Your-gasp-majesty," he wheezed, steadfastly ignoring Timon's snickering.

"Zazu," Simba said gravely. "What do you have to report?"

Zazu grimaced and shook his head. "The news is not good, Your Majesty. Not good at all. The rogue lionesses whom you banished, led by Zira, have indeed allied with the hyenas, as we suspected. But…" He looked down. "Oh, it's almost too horrible to speak of."

Simba frowned. "Zazu?"

Zazu looked up, a bleak expression on his face. "The Heartless, Your Majesty. Zira has taken control of them, also as we suspected. And…and she has added most of the hyenas and a significant number of her lionesses to their ranks." There were gasps of horror from Timon and Pumbaa (who also broke wind in dismay) and Rafiki just shook his head grimly. "I…I _watched_ as they tore out the heart of one of the lionesses and turned her into one of them. It was…one of the most gruesome things I have ever seen."

"More gruesome than watching a lion hunt down, kill, and eat its prey?!" asked an astonished Timon, earning him a glare from Simba.

Zazu shook his head. "More gruesome than that by far." Timon gulped audibly.

Simba sighed, his head hanging low. "I have been a fool," he said after a moment. "When the two-legger Mouse-King Mickey spoke of an alliance, I ignored him. When my friend Sora spoke of strength in numbers and how it is no weakness to let your friends help you, I ignored him too. Instead I listened to the advice of the two-legger with a lion's name, and strived to do my best to protect my kingdom…by myself." He shook his head. "What was I thinking? There is no way that I could possibly handle all this by myself."

Nobody said anything for a moment. They just waited in silence as Simba deliberated within himself. Finally, he said, "Perhaps it is not too late to change things. Rafiki!" Simba turned to face the mandrill. "Send a message to the two-legger Mouse King. Tell him that I have seen the error of my ways…and wish to seek an alliance with him that may benefit both our lands."

The mandrill stared at Simba for a moment. Then he walked over…

And whacked Simba on the head with his staff. "Ow!"

"How are you expecting Rafiki to do something like that?!" Rafiki demanded. "He is a shaman, not an astronaut or scientist! How is Rafiki supposed to get a message to the Mouse King? Build a rocket ship out of wood and stone with combustible elephant dung for fuel and fly up to the stars in search of his distant world? Cobble together an interplanetary radio transmitter out of sticks and clay, dial up the Mouse King, and say, 'Hello, this is Rafiki of the Pride Lands, my foolish King has recovered his wits and wants to form an alliance with you, would you like to talk about it over some tea? Next Tuesday would be fine.'"

Simba grimaced and rubbed the spot where Rafiki had hit him. "I was kind of hoping you could send a dream or something to him telling him I wish to meet with him."

Rafiki's face brightened. "Oh, why didn't you say so?" He whacked Simba again.

"Ow!"

"You should have said that in the first place!" Rafiki scolded. "Now we've wasted time, and Rafiki will need as much as he can get if he is to transmit a dream all the way across the stars!"

"Then you _can_ do it?" Simba asked, rubbing the spot where Rafiki had hit him again.

Rafiki snorted. "Of course Rafiki can do it! It will not be easy, but it can still be done! Hmm, but Rafiki will need some help gathering ingredients…" He whirled around on Timon and Pumbaa, causing the meerkat and warthog to yelp in alarm. "You two! You will help Rafiki gather all the things he needs to craft and cast a dream into space, so that it will find King Mickey and not fall into a black hole or get burned up by a star or something like that!"

"Uh, do we have to?" Timon asked nervously. "I mean, we had a busy day of bug eating and…lazing about doing nothing…to look forward to…" Rafiki whacked his head. "Ow!"

"Yes, yes you do! Now come." The mandrill ambled off. Grumbling, Timon followed him. Pumbaa shrugged and walked after his friend.

"Hey, does this mean that stars really _are_ giant burning balls of gas billions of miles away? Because Timon said they were fireflies and Simba said they were the kings of the past or something like that…" the warthog queried as they walked towards the entrance to the caves making up the interior of Pride Rock.

Simba and Zazu stared after the group. "A bit of an odd one, isn't he?" the hornbill commented.

"Why does he refer to himself in the third person?" Simba wondered.

"Maybe he whacked _himself_ on the head a few times," Zazu joked.

"I heard that!" Rafiki yelled from inside the caves. Zazu yelped and flew away in fright. Simba shook his head and rolled his eyes, knowing that the fate of his kingdom might very well be in the hands of a somewhat crazy shamanistic monkey. He didn't feel much better than he had before he had called this meeting.

…

"Darkwing Duck, for your services in helping to protect my life and the lives of others in the battle for Dark City, I hereby award you this giant check for one billion munny, all of it taken from Glomgold's savings (which are now mine), since the first check he wrote you bounced," Scrooge McDuck announced, handing a comically oversized check to Darkwing Duck. Gizmoduck, standing beside his employer, smiled and folded his arms, only slightly envious that Darkwing was getting all that munny. Glomgold, who was standing offstage, cursed and shouted and hopped up and down in fury. The bodyguard whom Glomgold had lost so much munny to in gambling debts chuckled and thought about the big house and new car he was going to be able to afford for his family now.

Darkwing grinned as he accepted the check and flash bulbs went off all around the auditorium they were in, the press taking pictures for the evening papers. "I'm glad I could be of service, Mr. McDuck…and just so you know, I'd gladly have done all that again, even if you _weren't_ paying me for it!"

"Really?" Scrooge muttered under his breath so the TV cameras couldn't pick it up.

Darkwing shrugged. "Well, maybe."

"Go DW!" Launchpad applauded from his seat in the front row. "Now we can afford to fix the Astroquack! And the Thunderquack!"

"Until you crash them again," Gosalyn muttered. "But at least my college education is still assured."

"And we can renovate the house, too," Darkwing's wife, the sorceress Morgana, added. "And maybe buy that set of grimoires I've had my eye on…"

Scrooge's three nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie, were also in the front row and remarking on how incredible what their uncle was currently doing was. "I don't think I've _ever_ seen Uncle Scrooge give away that much munny to a single person before!" Huey exclaimed.

"Well, Darkwing _did_ save his life," Dewey pointed out.

Louie shook his head. "Gizmoduck does that all the time, but he doesn't get paid nearly as much! I think Unca Scrooge is only giving away that much munny to piss off Glomgold. After all, the munny _is_ technically his, not Unca Scrooge's. Or rather, it was."

Huey laughed at that. "Did you see how red ol' Flintheart's face was when he heard how much of his munny Unca Scrooge was gonna give away? I thought he was gonna explode!"

Their friend Webigail huffed and crossed her arms. "I don't think it's very nice of you to talk about Mr. Glomgold like that. He's spent most of his life making all that munny, and he had to give a lot of it up to Uncle Scrooge because otherwise Uncle Scrooge wouldn't have saved his life. That's unfair and extortion!"

The triplets rolled their eyes and sighed in unison. "Webby, Glomgold made most of that munny in the first place through stealing and extortion and blackmailing and all sortsa other unscrupulous ways," Dewey said patiently. "It's only fair that Uncle Scrooge get it from him the exact same way. That's how karma works!"

Louie nodded. "And at least that munny's going to be put to good use. Unca Scrooge said he's going to give a lot of it up to charities and to fund the big war effort against Maleficent and her Heartless! When the war actually starts, that is."

"That doesn't sound like Uncle Scrooge," Webigail said suspiciously.

Huey shrugged. "Well, he may be a miser but he's very patriotic. Plus, I think he also did it just to see the look on Flintheart's face when he found out how the munny that used to be his was going to be spent."

Webigail nodded, mollified. "Now _that_ sounds more like the Uncle Scrooge we all know and love!"

On the stage, Darkwing was hamming it up. "Thank you once again, Mr. McDuck, and I promise you that this generous donation of cash will be put to good use helping the needy citizens of St. Canard (such as my family), and will not be abused to purchase expensive and very fun technological goodies for myself. (Well, maybe just a little.) I'd also like to say-"

Darkwing was interrupted when an identical but differently colored version of himself stormed onto the stage, followed by an anthropomorphic dog/weasel thing wearing a yellow jumpsuit, a plug-shaped hat, a battery pack on his back, and safety goggles; a half-duck half-plant creature; a weird duck dressed as a jester; and a dog-man completely made out of water. "Hold it right there, buster!" Negaduck shouted angrily. "You have something I want!"

"And we want in on the take!" added the weasely Megavolt. "So I can get all the lightbulbs I want!"

"And I can finally find true love!" sighed Bushroot.

"And I can get so many wonderful TOYS!" giggled Quackerjack.

"And I can…I dunno, buy something nice for myself," Liquidator said with a shrug.

The audience gasped. "Egad, it's my archfoes the Fearsome Five, come to take away my hard-earned munny!" Darkwing cried. "And probably kidnap Scrooge McDuck."

"Oh no!" cried Gizmoduck.

"Actually, we're the Fierce Five now," said Bushroot. "Turns out there's another group called the Fearsome Five, and they've had the name longer, so we had to change ours to avoid a lawsuit."

"We tried to become the Fatal Five, but it turns out there's another group who has that name too…and they don't even exist in this time period yet!" complained Megavolt. "Didn't stop their lawyers from finding us, though…"

"This idiot suggested we become the Funny Five, but I beat it out of him," Negaduck grunted, pointing a thumb at Quackerjack, who sulked unhappily.

"And Fearless Five sounded too heroic, so…the Fierce Five we became!" Liquidator announced triumphantly.

"Uh, that's really great…anyway, we won't let you get my munny…or the rich guy!" Darkwing announced, causing Scrooge to roll his eyes.

"Actually, we're here on legitimate business," Negaduck said quickly. "You promised me five percent of whatever you got from the rich guy, remember?"

"And Negaduck promised us some of the loot if we'd stop pestering him for part of it, so you owe us, too!" Megavolt added.

"Plus interest," Liquidator added.

There was an awkward pause. "Oh," Darkwing said sheepishly. "I kinda forgot about that. Well, um, look, I can't really give you the munny right now since it's a giant check, so…why don't we go to the bank and cash it in, then I'll give you what I owe you, and you can divide it up among yourselves?"

The Fierce Five conversed among each other for a moment, then turned back to Darkwing. "That seems fair enough," said Liquidator.

"So long as you don't rip us off!" Negaduck threatened.

"And so long as _you_ don't try to rob the bank," Darkwing replied. "Or Mr. McDuck's munny bin."

Scrooge nodded in agreement. "Aye, I hate it when people do that."

As Darkwing shook with Bushroot on it (because he was fairly positive that Bushroot's hand was the only one that might not have the potential to kill him or cause serious physical pain), Gosalyn, who had been in the process of changing into Quiverwing Quack, slumped back to her seat in disappointment. "Awwww, no fair, I was hoping there'd be a big supehero/supervillain battle!"

"Well dear, not every problem needs to be solved with violence," Morgana said gently.

"Just because they don't _need_ to be doesn't mean they _can't_ be," Gosalyn grumbled.

Gosalyn's prayers would be answered, however, as a new disaster hit. The ceiling above the stage caved in as a giant mechanical arm smashed through from outside, reached down, grabbed Darkwing's giant check, and started lifting it (and Darkwing) up the way it had come.

"Oh no, the munny!" Megavolt cried.

"And Darkwing!" Gizmoduck added.

Scrooge groaned. "Oh, what now?!"

"Hey, is somebody going to help me out here?! I'm not gonna let them take this away from me, I worked too hard for it!" Darkwing yelled.

"Yeah, same here!" Negaduck agreed, leaping into the air and grabbing Darkwing by the legs in an attempt to pull him (and the check) out of the robot's grip. It didn't work. "Well, I could have thought this through a bit more…"

"You think?" Darkwing asked sarcastically as they were raised higher off the stage.

"Don't worry boss, I've got you!" Liquidator said, his watery body elongating until he became tall enough to grab Negaduck. "Now, just let go and-"

"What, and lose the munny?! No way!" Negaduck sneered.

"Yeah, same here!" Darkwing said to Gizmoduck, who had extended his arms to grab the caped crimefighter. "If you want to help, then give me a hand and get this check away from this metal monstrosity!"

"Er, all right," said Gizmoduck. His wheel revved as he backed up, pulling on Darkwing as hard as he could without ripping the crimefighter's leg off. The rest of the Fierce Five did the same thing, grabbing onto Liquidator and pulling back to help Negaduck help Darkwing get the check out of the giant robot arm's grasp.

"How come that check hasn't been torn apart by now? What's it made of?" asked an incredulous Huey.

"Uncle Scrooge would never hand out a giant check made out of flimsier materials…there's always a chance it could break, and then he'd have to issue another one, or risk a lawsuit!" Dewey pointed out reasonably.

"Come on, Dad—er, Darkwing!" Gosalyn quickly corrected. "My college education is on the line here!"

"And my planes!" Launchpad called.

"And my collection of mystical paraphernelia!" Morgana added.

Whether this 'support' strengthened Darkwing's determination was debatable, but it seemed as if the combined power of Gizmoduck, Darkwing, and all of the Fierce Five might just be enough to pull the check out of the robot's hand…

Until, getting fed up with the delay, the robot smashed a second arm through the ceiling, flicked Darkwing off, and pulled the check out through the big hole in the roof. Darkwing and Negaduck fell back onto their respective allies, knocking them all to the ground. The audience gasped. "NOOOO! MY MUNNY!" Both caped ducks wailed.

"Who's responsible for all this?! Who's piloting that robot?!" Scrooge demanded, hopping mad. (literally)

He got his reply when the giant robot's head peered in through the big hole it had made in the ceiling. It had a clear windscreen taking up its face, revealing that there were three vaguely-dog-like men wearing red shirts and slacks with greenish hats, black domino masks, and prison numbers written on tags on their shirts sitting in the cockpit. Scrooge got, if anything, even angrier. "THE BEAGLE BOYS??"

"The who?" Gosalyn asked Launchpad.

"A family of no-good rotten crooks who've tried to rob Mr. McDee for as long as I can remember. They always fail, though," Launchpad explained to Gosalyn. "And then they get sent to jail…but they always get out, somehow or other."

"Hehehehe! Long time no see, McDuck!" the shortest of the trio, Bigtime Beagle, (also know as prisoner 167-671) sneered at Scrooge.

"Didja miss us?" the larger and somewhat fatter Beagle, Burger (also known as prisoner 761-176) asked cheerfully.

"We certainly missed your munny!" commented Bouncer Beagle, (also known as prisoner 716-167) who was the biggest and meanest-looking of the trio.

Huey, Dewey, and Louie groaned. "Not these guys again!" complained Huey. "Didn't we _just_ put them away last week?'

"I swear, that prison's got a revolving door or something…" grumbled Dewey.

"These guys are even more annoying than Team Rocket!" Louie complained.

"No, the Beagle Boys are actually slightly more competent, and there's more of them," Webigail pointed out. "And they don't have an irritating motto."

"Guess that's true," Louie agreed grudgingly.

"What do ye three crooks think ye're doing with me munny?!" Scrooge demanded.

"OUR munny!" Darkwing and the Fierce Five corrected him.

"We're just doing what the boss paid us to!" Burger explained, shoving a cheeseburger into his mouth.

Gizmoduck blinked. "The boss? Wait…then that means…"

"GLOMGOLD!" Scrooge bellowed, whirling around to glare at his rival, who was laughing malevolently as the Beagle Boys' robot lowered a hand for him to climb into.

"That's right!" Glomgold cried as the robot hand lifted him off the stage. "I hired the Beagle Boys to steal the check you were going to use to pay Darkwing, so I could get the munny you stole from me back!"

There was a moment of silence. "…Wait, that doesn't even make sense," said a confused Negaduck. "That's a check. Written out to DARKWING. You can't use it."

"And aside from that, all the munny represented by the check is now technically Scrooge McDuck's, even if it was yours once," Liquidator added. "So by stealing the check, you can't really get any of it for yourself. Mr. McDuck could just write out another one."

Scrooge blinked. "Hey, that's right! I could!"

Glomgold flushed. "Yeah, well…he won't be able to after the Beagle Boys use this giant robot to break into his munny bin and take back what's rightfully mine!" he said quickly to save face. "Plus extra, while they're at it!"

"We do? Woohoo!" Burger cheered.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" chortled Bouncer.

"Okay boys, let's go crack open a munny bin!" Bigtime declared. Laughing, the Beagle Boys and their robot withdrew, taking a cackling Glomgold with them and leaving the auditorium roof in ruins.

"NOOOO! ME MUNNY!" Scrooge wailed. "Somebody _do something_!!"

"Don't worry Mr. McDuck, I'm on it!" Gizmoduck proclaimed.

"You mean WE'RE on it," Darkwing corrected the cyborg. "That's the munny I'm owed they're after! I'm not letting them get it without a fight!"

"Same here! After all, five percent of it is mine!" Negaduck agreed.

"You mean 'ours', don't you boss?" Bushroot asked politely.

Negaduck rolled his eyes. "Yeahsurewhatever. Let's GO already!"

"Not just yet…if we're going to be teaming up (again), we might as well do this properly." Darkwing cleared his throat. "Justice Ducks…ASSEMBLLLLLLEEEEE!"

Everyone stared at him. Darkwing's eye twitched. "I _said,_ Justice Ducks ASSEMBLE!" Nothing happened. Darkwing smacked his face. "That's your cue, guys…" he growled under his breath.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Morgana quickly teleported onto the stage. "Morgana Macawber!"

"Er, Gizmoduck!" Gizmoduck proclaimed, striking a pose.

"Stegmutt!" proclaimed an anthropomorphic red-haired Stegosaurus, smashing through a wall right next to a door. He paused, noticing the door he could have used. "Whoops. Darn, I seem to do that a lot…"

There was an awkward pause as the fifth and final member of the Justice Ducks failed to appear. Darkwing sighed. "Okay, where's Neptunia?" The rest of the Ducks glanced at each other and shrugged.

Meanwhile, at the Duckburg Aquarium…

"Go, my brethren! Return to the seas! Leave this cruel kingdom of land-dwellers behind! Reclaim the freedom that was cruelly stripped from you!" the anthropomorphic fish Neptunia cried as the Aquarium's various marine specimens flowed out through a large hole she had smashed in its side and swam out into the open sea via a nearby river. "Yes, swim! Be free, my friends! Be free!" She paused, a frown on her fishy features. "Why do I get the feeling I'm forgetting something?"

Back at the auditorium…

"Well, this is just great, we can't be an effective super-team with only four members, everyone knows four is the absolutely worst number a super-team can have!" Darkwing complained.

"What about-" Stegmutt started.

"Did you _see_ their movie?" Darkwing asked snidely.

"Oh. Good point," Stegmutt agreed.

"Yeah, it was most unfantastic," Gizmoduck agreed.

"Perhaps _I_ could take Neptunia's place?" an all-too-familiar voice suggested that caused Darkwing to clench his teeth out of reflex.

"No," he said flatly as he turned around to see Gosalyn, wearing her Quiverwing Quack costume. "Absolutely not. It's much too dangerous!"

"More dangerous than Maleficent's wedding?" Gosalyn pointed out.

"…Point. But, still-" Darkwing protested.

"It's either me or Launchpad," Gosalyn said, pointing a thumb at the pilot.

"You're in!" Darkwing said at once. "Welcome to the Justice Ducks!"

"Hey!" Launchpad cried.

"Oooh, I like her," Huey commented.

"Yeah, she looks pretty good in that outfit," Dewey agreed.

"I wonder what _else_ she'd look good in?" Louie queried.

Webigail huffed, crossed her arms, and turned away. "Boys!" she snarled.

"Dear, are you sure this is a good idea?" Morgana hissed to Darkwing.

"Her or Launchpad," Darkwing muttered to her under his breath.

"Welcome to the team!" Morgana said loudly, shaking Gosalyn's hand.

Launchpad pouted. "Why doesn't anybody want me on their team? 'Snot fair…"

"Well, that took long enough," Negaduck grumbled.

"We're more coordinated than that, aren't we?" Megavolt asked.

"We would be if we all took dance lessons like I suggested," said Quackerjack.

"NO!" the rest of the Fierce Five shouted at him. The toymaker sulked and complained about how mean his teammates were to his stuffed banana doll.

"This is all well and good, but could you all stop standing around giving each other style tips and SAVE ME MUNNY BIN?!" Scrooge shouted, losing his patience.

The ten superbeings jumped. "Yes Mr. McDuck!" they yelled in unison. They immediately rushed for the nearest exit…and, naturally, got caught in the doorway.

"Hey, get out of the way!" Darkwing yelled.

"No, YOU get out of the way!" Negaduck snarled back.

"Get your elbow out of my face!" Morgana cried to Bushroot, who flushed.

"I don't think that's my elbow…" he said, sounding embarrassed.

"Oh, EW! You're getting slobber all over me!" Gosalyn screamed.

"I'm made of water, what do you expect?!" Liquidator protested.

"Stop it, all of you! You're suffocating Mr. Banana Brain!" Quackerjack shrieked.

"Oh, shut up about your stupid banana already! NOBODY CARES!" Megavolt shouted, causing Quackerjack to burst into tears.

"It's times like this I wish I had a teleporter built into my armor…" Gizmoduck said with a sigh.

"I'm hungry," Stegmutt complained.

"Don't worry guys, I'm coming!" Launchpad declared, charging into the ten stuck in the door from behind…only to bounce right off, since they were packed in too tightly and his body mass wasn't enough to push them the rest of the way through. "Ow…look at all the little birdies…"

Scrooge put his face in his hands and wept. "Me poor munny…"

"It's times like this I wish we had superpowers," Huey said with a sigh. "Then we could help out."

"Oh no you don't, remember what happened the LAST time we got some?!" Louie cried. "Uncle Donald almost blew up the universe!"

"Technically, that never happened due to a time paradox," Dewey pointed out.

"Yeah, and it's going to STAY that way," Louie said firmly.

Webigail shook her head incredulously. "Boys are so weird…isn't that right, Ms. Quacky Patch?" She asked her doll, who, naturally enough, did not say anything at all. Webigail laughed. "You're absolutely right, Ms. Quacky Patch! But then again, you usually are. And yes, I think it _would_ be a good idea to put itching powder in the boys' underwear, they certainly deserve it…"

…

In a distant star system in the Gamma Quadrant, Buzz Lightyear frowned as he leaned back in the chair behind his desk. "You want to join the Space Rangers?"

Sheriff Woody, sitting across the desk from Buzz, nodded sheepishly. The two old friends were in Buzz's (rarely used) office at Star Command, having a rather sudden reunion. Buzz had thought that he wouldn't see Woody again for quite some time after dropping him and his space-lost friends back on their own world, so he was understandably surprised to have the sheriff show up at Star Command earlier that day, with quite a few other old friends in tow, wanting to talk to him. "Yeah. To be honest, I'm not sure I…_we_ have anywhere else to go."

Buzz rubbed his chin. "I think you'd better start from the beginning."

Woody sighed and leaned forward a little in his chair, steepling his fingers. "Well, you know how me and the others got lost in space and wound up at that wedding, right?"

Buzz nodded. "Space pirates abducted you from Andy's house, thinking that they could sell you on the black market. Semi-organic synthetic androids like you…'Toys' would be of great value to collectors, slave traders, and all sorts of unscrupulous people looking for spare parts across the galaxy."

Woody grimaced. "Don't remind me. But, as you know, we managed to overcome the pirates after we left our solar system and managed to take control of their ship. But the navicomputer got damaged in the ensuing struggle, so we had no idea where we where, where we had come from, or where we were going. We ended up wandering through space for what felt like months, stopping on any planets we came across to refuel and resupply and try to get our bearings. We also had to swap ships several times, since the first one we used was a pirate vessel and authorities naturally thought we were criminals for riding around in it, and weren't too inclined to believe otherwise. We got the idea to head for Star Command after we got the navicomputer fixed, but en route we got caught in some kind of…Infinite Improbability Field or something…caused by a passing spaceship that looked like a big white shoe, and got warped through space and time and dimension in a wild and psychedelic tour that I _really_ don't want to go into much detail about, before spitting us out at the World that Never Was just in time for Maleficent's wedding. We had no idea you'd even be there until we ran into you at the fight in the chapel."

Buzz smirked. "Well, that's how those Improbability Field things work, you know…they make the most contrived and least likely events happen just like that." He frowned. "And after the battle for Dark City was over, we brought you guys back here, processed you, and put you on a ship back to your planet. So what happened?"

Woody was silent for a moment. Then he sighed and rubbed his forehead. "We were gone for longer than we thought we were. I don't know if it's because time flows differently on our planet or because of that weird time warp we got pulled into, but…when we got home, Andy was all grown up."

Buzz blinked. "All grown…oh no…Woody, I'm so sorry to hear that."

Woody shook his head sadly. "He had moved out and gone to college, leaving all his toys behind. Those that were still around, that is. Most of the friends I'd known and played with (or been played with) for years were…gone. Sold at a yard sale or thrown away and replaced by new ones. The few old ones that were left were either given to Andy's kid sister to…_abuse _or put away in the attic gathering dust with…with all the other things he'd outgrown…" He trailed off, a griefstricken expression on his face. It looked as if he was doing everything he could to keep from crying. "Wheezy's voicebox got broken again and he was finally thrown out. Most of Sarge's Army Men fell apart when Sarge got abducted with the rest of us and were either lost, thrown out, crushed, or eaten by Andy's dog Buster. Shark, Mike, Mr. Spell, Troll, Clownball, the Troikas, and the Barrel of Monkeys got sold. Rocky, Lenny, Snake, Robot, See-n'-Say, Hockey Puck, and some of the others were in the attic, locked in a dark and airless chest. They had been driven almost completely insane by the time I found them. They'd already torn poor Roly Poly Clown to pieces for being…well…a clown."

"What about Mrs. Potato Head?" Buzz asked quietly, trying to control his own grief. He had become good friends with many of those Toys. It was tearing him apart to hear about the shameful neglect and disinterest they had been treated with…but he was a soldier, and had experience with losing friends. Woody did not. He was clearly taking this very hard.

Woody sighed. "The good news is, she was alive and well-played with by Andy's sister, Molly. The bad news…she remarried."

Buzz gasped. "What?!"

"Well, Mr. Potatohead was gone, with us, for a very long time," Woody said sadly. "But I can't understand why she married _Ken_ of all people."

Buzz blinked, puzzled. "Ken? I don't know a-" His eyes widened. "No! Not…_that_ Ken!"

"I'm afraid so," Woody said with a melancholy nod.

"But I thought he was steady with Barbie!" Buzz protested.

Woody shrugged. "They broke up. She's dating Steven now."

Buzz frowned. "I thought Steven was Christie's boyfriend."

Woody sighed. "Not anymore."

"That bitch!" Buzz swore. "Poor Mr. Potatohead…"

Woody nodded. "Yeah, he didn't take it well. The poor guy fell apart…literally. At least he was able to convince the kids to come with him, they always wanted to go to space."

"They'd fit in well here," Buzz agreed, recalling how eerily similar Mr. Potatohead's adopted children were to the LGMs working in Star Command. "And…what about Bo Peep?"

Woody was silent for a moment. "…Gone. Like the others who got sold off. Nobody had any idea where she went or who she was sold to. I don't think I'm ever going to see her again."

"…Woody…I'm so sorry…." Buzz whispered.

Woody hung his head. "You were right Buzz…you were right all along. About our world, us Toys, the kids who owned us, Andy…I should have listened to you when I had the chance. Maybe I could have done something. But now…well, now it's much too late." He shrugged weakly. "So, as you can probably guess…we didn't really see any reason to stick around. It wasn't our home anymore. We got back in our ship and left…and took as many toys who wanted to come with us as we could. And we came back here." He looked Buzz in the face. "They all look up to me, you know. Think I'm their leader. I'm the guy who was able to keep everyone together when we were wandering lost through space, and apparently I've become some kind of legend to the toys back home in my absence. They're all looking to me for guidance, expecting me to find them a new home. Buzz…this is the only place I could think of. I don't think there's anywhere else we could have a chance of belonging other than here."

"With the Space Rangers."

Woody nodded. "It was the only thing that seemed to make sense at the time."

Buzz was silent for a moment. "You realize that not all of your people will be able to make it into the Rangers. The training is extremely rigorous; it has to be for our line of work."

"I know that. But they're willing to take any job, do anything they can do to help out, in exchange for a place to stay," Woody said. He shrugged. "We've got nothing left. There's nothing else for us to lose."

A slow smile formed on Buzz's face. "It just so happens that, what with the recent alliance we've made with the Disney Empire to expand into their territory, the forces of the Space Rangers are spread pretty thin across the galaxy. We could use as many able men and women and…other things as we can to fight the good fight. I'm sure Commander Nebula would be as happy as I would to have a fine group like yours join us."

Woody's eyes lit up with hope. "Then you mean…"

"Assuming you can pass the training…I'll see what I can do to get you and your friends into the Space Rangers," Buzz said. He held out a hand to Woody, who readily shook it. "After all…what are friends for?

…

Queen Ashelia B'Nargin Dalmasca glared across the conference table at Emperor Vayne Carudas Solidor. "So," she said stiffly. "Here we are."

"Yes," Vayne agreed dryly. "So it would seem."

Ashe gave him a very hard look. The beauty of the exquisite (and very private) study they were meeting in was completely lost on her. She only had eyes for Vayne…and not in a good way. "Let me get this straight. You're saying that you want to put an end to the war…just call a ceasefire, just like that."

"Yes," said Vayne. "Pretty much."

Her jaw tightened. "You want to end it…after destroying Nabudis and Rozarria, after masterminding the assassination of my father and the framing and imprisonment of the loyal Captain Basch, after being responsible for the death of my husband, after conquering Dalmasca and ruling in Rabanastre for a while like you were its liege lord, after nearly killing me and my friends several times and almost destroying all of Ivalice in your quest for power and nethicite and causing the deaths of thousands of people in the war between our countries, and _then_ getting into a deal with some off-world villains willing to sell you heartless evil monsters to continue our war in exchange for your airship facilities…you just want to call it quits."

Vayne pursed his lips for a moment. "Yes," he said finally. "That pretty much sums up everything."

She ground her teeth. "And why," Ashe said after a moment. "Do you think I should believe you, let alone go along with all this? You'll probably just stab me in the back right before we sign whatever false treaty you've concocted. You did the same thing with my father."

"I did, didn't I?" Vayne mused. "Well, I won't this time. Does that satisfy you?"

"Not really."

"I didn't think so." Vayne sighed. "And I suppose you also wouldn't believe that I've had a…change of heart of sorts, would you?" She just glared at him. He nodded. "I didn't think so. Well, Ashelia, it's like this…you recall the wedding, do you not?"

Ashe grimaced. "How could I ever forget?"

Vayne nodded in agreement. "Yes, both of us were abducted by the Fae Lord and sealed in crystal while our soldiers were forced to work together to survive. And Ivalice got blown up in a titanic cosmic battle between Oberon and Satan."

"I'm amazed everything came back together so well," Ashe admitted.

"Well, magic's a pretty remarkable thing," Vayne pointed out. "We both know that. Anyway, as I'm sure Basch told you, the Dalmascan and Archadian armies worked surprisingly well together in our absence. Perhaps a little too well. Word has spread throughout the Archadian military and populace about how some of our greatest soldiers were spared by and willingly joined forces with our hated enemies to fight a common foe while you and I were incapacitated and Ivalice itself was getting blown up. The possibility of both our nations actually working together rather than fighting each other was proven to be a reality rather than just an idealist's dream, and now many more Archadians are starting to lobby for peace. There's no possible way I could keep the war going with such a pro-peace sentiment running through the people--not without making them think I'm an authoritarian tyrant and practically inviting them to overthrow me, anyway—so, I have decided to cave in to public pressure and form a lasting peace between our two nations. It's what my people want, and yours too, I'm sure."

Ashe raised an eyebrow. "Right. You don't really think I'll fall for that, do you? I know you, Vayne. I know you would never just succumb to the will of the masses, you're too good at manipulating them for that. I'm sure the turning of public opinion against the war is part of why you're having this talk with me, but what's this really about? What's your true motive for asking for peace, after spending the last few years doing everything you could to unite Ivalice through war?"

Vayne paused a moment, looking hesitant and uncertain. He smirked ruefully. "You're right, I didn't think you'd buy that excuse…you're too smart. There are indeed other reasons for why I want to end this war and join forces with you." He sighed. "You see, when I was approached by Maleficent and she offered me the Heartless to use in ending the war and uniting Ivalice, in exchange for the services of Archadia's shipyards to produce battleships for her interstellar armada, it seemed like a good deal at the time. She even assured me that Ivalice would receive sovereign status and remain under my control, rather than being added to the intergalactic empire she intended to construct. But…well, here's the thing. At the bachelor party, at the wedding itself, and during the party afterwards, I…began to question whether I had thrown my lot in with the right people."

At this, Ashe finally smiled. "So the high and mighty Vayne Solidor has finally found someone…or _several_ someones…even crueller and more ruthless than himself?"

"That's exactly it," he admitted freely. "Ashelia, I will freely admit that I have done many terrible things in the name of Archadia, my people, my brother…our world. But…" He shook his head. "You would not believe some of the things I saw those villains—for that is truly what they are, they do not even bother denying it—did to each other for entertainment or out of pure boredom. It was…sickening."

Ashe snorted. "More sickening than the experiments you let Dr. Cidolfus perform on unwilling test subjects?"

"Yes," he said flatly. "Ashe, I saw a giant vaguely humanoid cephalopodal monstrosity rise from the depths of the ocean and drive nearly everyone at the bachelor party insane due to the sheer horror and—and _obscenity_ of its very being. Even now, it sends a chill down my back to think of it. I might have gone mad as well, had Venat not protected me…but considering what happened next, how the bride's father casually let the monster _eat_ two of the other guests, and then allowed the monster's fish-man servitors to fornicate with the remaining insane guests and even _joined_ in…I almost wish I had lost my mind as well, so I would not be cursed to remember every single detail of the horror that I witnessed."

Ashe's eyes widened. "Oh my."

"It gets worse," he said flatly. "The father of the bride also, at one point, _raped_ some other villain because he looked good in a dress. And then he forced the groom and the same guest to be, well, sexually assaulted by some of his concubines, which are apparently enormous tentacled horrors of such immensity and repulsiveness I'm sure I would have gone blind if I had seen them in person."

"Quite a lot of…disturbing sexual activity at this party," said a disturbed Ashe.

"Indeed. So, you can understand why I'm having second thoughts about working with people who are as likely to eat me, kill me, or even worse, _rape_ me even though we're all technically on the same side," Vayne said with a sigh. "Which leads to why I'm here now. If I break off with them and form an alliance with you, at least I'll know _exactly_ where we stand…unless you have any particular…fantasies?" He looked rather worried at the possibility.

Ashe gave him a disgusted look. "I would rather die than have sexual fantasies about you," she said flatly.

"Oh, good, same here," Vayne said in relief, earning him another glare from Ashe. "What? You mean you _want _me to have sexual fantasies about you?"

"Wha-NO! No! I mean…" Ashe shook her head. "We're getting off topic. You said you want to break off ties with those villains and join forces with Dalmasca…or at least call a ceasefire and end the war between us. Do you think your current 'friends' will take that very well?"

"No," Vayne admitted. "However…you've recently begun negotiations with King Mickey to form an alliance with the Disney Empire, correct? And, if our two countries were to be allied, then whatever protection from an extraterrestrial threat the King would offer you would of course extend to Archadia, correct?"

Ashe almost laughed. "I can't decide whether to call you a sly bastard or a devious coward," she said.

"Can't I be both?" he asked with a straight face, nearly cracking her up again.

"If I weren't worried about the threat your 'friends' would pose to Dalmasca and the rest of Ivalice if they turned on you, I'd just let you stew in the pot you put yourself in, you know that, right?" Ashe asked, shaking her head and getting back to business.

"Of course," he said.

"And you know that, if I had _any_ other option in the matter, and did not think that this might ultimately benefit Dalmasca, I would say no and drive my sword through the shrivelled organ in that chest which you call a heart, right?" she continued.

Vayne nodded. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

Ashe sighed. "Good. Fine. I'm sure my father and husband will roll over in their graves, and it probably goes against everything I stand for and will make a lot of people angry at me, but I am not foolish enough to let a little thing like my utter and complete hatred for every lying fiber and molecule in your body get in the way of doing what is best for my people. I humbly accept your ceasefire and await the terms that will end this war."

"Good," said Vayne. "Because…ah…there's one other thing." He fidgeted.

Ashe frowned. "What now?"

Vayne coughed. "Well, ah…the Senate thinks that a more _permanent _alliance between our countries would go a long way towards making those who disapprove of our resolving this war peacefully more satisfied. And it will also make the people who _do_ want the war to end peacefully, in part due to the tales of how the heroic Captain Basch temporarily united our forces on a distant world, more enthusiastic about the whole thing and stir their hopes that this will, in fact, be a lasting peace."

Ashe frowned. "I thought you killed the Senate."

Vayne grunted. "I did, and replaced them with puppets loyal to me, so as not to disturb the populace too much. But they seem to have developed some backbone and are now insisting that, to further secure the ties between our two realms if we are indeed going to be working together…that I marry you."

Revulsion rose up in Ashe's stomach like a steaming volcano of bile, and she had to bite her tongue to keep from screaming out her knee-jerk reaction. "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me."

"You could marry Larsa, if he is more to your preference," Vayne said quickly. "But, well, he's a little _young_, and even though everyone knows it'll just be a political marriage some people might get the wrong idea and-"

"I get the picture," Ashe said flatly. She sighed, massaged her temples, and counted to ten. "Fine," she said at last. "I'll marry you. So long as we don't have to sleep anywhere near each other, or _with_ each other, and I'm not expected to produce an heir for you."

Vayne shrugged. "I can live with that. I was always going to name Larsa the next in line, anyway."

Ashe raised an eyebrow. "You weren't planning on having any children of your own?'

"Well, I _was,_ but…" He grimaced. "Ah, you know the nethicite infusions I took? To become stronger and everything?"

Ashe frowned suspiciously. "What of them?"

Vayne coughed uncomfortably. "Well, ah, they've had a rather unexpected _side effect…_"

It was at that point that Ashe finally lost control of herself and laughed, very hard, for a very long time. Vayne sulked and glared at Venat, who had been hovering beside him the whole time. "You said she wouldn't laugh." The Occurian shrugged. It wasn't like he knew everything, after all.

…

"SPAAAAARRRRROOOOOOWWWWWW!"

Jack Sparrow, pirate captain of the spacefaring vessel the _Black Pearl_, flinched. "Why do they always have to yell at me like that?"

"Shouting a person's last name at someone when you're seekin' vengeance on them is the proper thing to do, cap'n," Sparrow's former first mate, Hector Barbossa, told Jack. "It's an unwritten rule, I believe."

"Ah, thank you for that bit of unnecessary information, Mr. Barbossa," Jack said dryly. "Remind me why I bothered to bring you back on board, again?"

"Because Miss Tia Dalma told you you'd be needing my help to find the Dead Man's Chest," Barbossa reminded Jack. He chuckled. "And who better to find the Dead Man's Chest than a dead man?"

Jack scowled. "How good to see dying hasn't improved your sense of humor…at all."

"At least I don't look half as bad as _that_ fellow," Barbossa countered, pointing at the captain of the ship that was pursuing them and letting loose with every weapon it had on board.

Jack pulled out his telescope, a relic from his days on the seas (which he stopped sailing only a few months ago, when he had managed to get his trusty _Pearl_ retrofitted for space flight), extended it, and peered through it at the enemy vessel.

The _Black Pearl_, a modified former East Indiaman, was armed with thirty-two twelve-pound laser cannons on the gun deck and upper deck, six fifteen-pound cannons on the stern, and one monstrous fifty-pound harpoon cannon mounted on the bow, just underneath the ship's prow. In fact, the _Black Pearl's_ figurehead was actually a cleverly disguised hatch concealing the harpoon cannon. A pair of twenty-five pound beam cannons flanked the sides of the figurehead, designed to look like fearsome twin prongs or tusks. In addition to all these cannons, the ship also had twelve rocket launchers, six missile emplacements, and four torpedo launchers; two at the bow and two at the stern, on the ship's underside. The ship's many sails had been replaced with energy fields in place of cloth designed to harness solar winds to make the ship fly through space in case its surprisingly advanced (and illegally modified) triple hyperdrive engines should run out of fuel. Its hull had been heavily reinforced and replaced with Gummi Block, Raritanium, and a number of other materials used in spaceships to make it tougher and able to withstand the pressures of deep space. That, along with a powerful energy shield, protected the ship and its crew from the hard radiation, meteorites, space parasites, and other dangers littering the vacuum between the stars. This shield also allowed the crew to walk around freely on the ship's upper deck and masts without spacesuits since; apparently, it was possible to breathe in outer space without sucking on vacuum. (Who knew?)

The enemy ship, however, was clearly supernatural in nature, considering how it was able to sail through space as easily as if it were a standard liquid ocean despite not having any visible accoutrements which would allow it to survive in outer space. The _Flying Dutchman_ was a truly dreadful-looking 5-sailed vessel resembling a cross between a sailfish and a seventeenth century Dutch 'fluyt' ship, more organic plant matter than timber and sail and heavily encrusted with aquatic fauna. It had 46 broadside 6-pound guns on its port and starboard sides divided among its gun deck, main deck, upper deck, quarter-deck, and forecastle. The cannons extended from the mouths of gunports shaped like demonic faces, 23 per side. On the bow were mounted a pair of triple-barreled bow chasers which acted like continuously firing Gatling guns as they rotated and shot bullet after bullet at the fleeing _Black Pearl_, accompanied by the _Dutchman's _cannon balls (which, oddly enough, seemed to have homing capabilities) and squid-shaped torpedoes fired from rather organic holes on the ship's underside that looked all too much like anuses. The vessel was crewed by horrific monsters, formerly human sailors cursed to be mutated gradually into anthropomorphic amalgamations of sea creatures until they were literally absorbed into the ship, something their captain had neglected to inform them when they were brought on board. Jack shuddered as he glanced over them through his telescope, knowing how very, _very_ close he was to becoming one of them.

Jack soon spotted the _Dutchman's _captain prowling about his ship's deck, berating and ordering his crew about in between screaming curses at Jack that could be easily heard despite the large distance separating their two ships. The captain, Davy Jones, was an amalgamation of sea creatures, much like his crew. His head was like that of an octopus, with tentacles growing from his chin like a beard and a prominent sac bulging out from under his barnacle-encrusted tricorne hat. He had a crab claw for a left hand, a tentacle for a right index finger, and the leg of a crab for a pegleg. Jack grimaced and lowered his telescope. "Good point," he commented to Barbossa. "I certainly hope I don't look like _that_ if I were to die and be brought back. It would be a crime against nature, mate."

Barbossa rolled his eyes. "Well, you may be finding out for yourself soon enough. His weapons are gettin' through our shields, our hull can't take much more of this damage. Our weapons, on the other hand, don't seem to be able to even scratch his ship. Hardly a surprise, it's not like a vessel of the living can truly do much against a ship from the Other Side. You'd better have one hell of a good plan to get us out of this Sparrow, or we'll all be in Davy Jones's Locker soon enough…no pun intended."

"Don't worry, mate, it should be just a little longer now…so long as we're still broadcasting that transmission on every available frequency." He paused. "Er, we _are_ still broadcasting, aren't we?"

Barbossa turned around. "Mr. Gibbs?"

Joshamee Gibbs, the current first mate, nodded. "Aye, Cap'n, we're still sending it out…though it's only a matter of time before one of the _Dutchman's _shots breaks the antenna and we're silent in the water. Er, space. You know what I mean."

Jack smiled sunnily. "Don't worry mate, by the time that happens, my brilliant plan will either have worked…or we'll all be dead."

"That's reassuring," Gibbs grumbled.

"And just what _is_ this brilliant plan of yours, Sparrow?" Barbossa asked. "I don't really think a distress signal will help us, no ship in this universe, be it one of the sea or the stars, can outmatch the _Flying Dutchman._"

Jack chuckled. "Well, you're half-right. It _is_ a distress signal of sorts…but not for a ship. Oh no, something much more effective than that. Mr. Gibbs, has the hyperdrive been fixed yet?"

Gibbs shook his head. "Not yet, Cap'n, it should be another few minutes. It would've been a lot easier if that damn fool Ragetti hadn't dropped his fake eye into the blasted contraption and shorted it out." He sighed. "I don't understand why we don't just get the poor lad a real glass eye…or one of those cybernetic prosthetics we've been seeing in a few of the planets and spaceports we've visited since leaving the Caribbean."

"There are…certain reasons why we need that particular eye," Barbossa said enigmatically.

"Right you are," said Jack, having no idea what Barbossa was talking about. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think it's time I initiated the next part of my brilliant plan. Mr. Gibbs, the speaking horn, if you please! I'm going to let Davy Jones know that we're about to warp out of here…"

Gibbs gave Jack a confused look. "But Cap'n! I just told you, the hyperdrive's not ready yet!"

"You and I know that," said Jack with a sly grin. "But _he_ doesn't." As Barbossa chortled, a confused Gibbs handed Jack the horn. The pirate captain raised it to his lips and shouted through it to the _Flying Dutchman._ "Davy Jones! So good to see you again, mate! You're looking even uglier than usual, have you been using a new skin lotion?"

On the deck of the _Dutchman, _Davy Jones snarled, his many tentacles writhing in fury. "SPARROW!" the demonic sea captain bellowed. "You've given me a long chase, and have managed to survive for longer than most other men who owe me their due, but this is the end of your line! I _will_ have your soul!"

Jack shrugged. "Sorry, mate; I'm rather attached to it. Think I'll be hanging onto it a little longer. Just wanted to let you know I'm about to escape into hyperspace, with my soul intact, and you will forever remember this as the day when you _almost_ caught Jack Sparrow! Ahahahahaha!"

Davy Jones bristled. "What?! NO! This ends here, Sparrow! No more escapes! No more trickery! If I can't have your soul, then I'll kill you so nobody else can!" He whirled on his crew. "Ready the Kraken Hammer!"

"Aye, Cap'n!" the grotesque sea life-encrusted sailors chorused, rushing over to a capstan. They grabbed the levers protruding from its sides and pushed against them, causing the capstan to turn about and rise off of the deck on an elevated piston.

Gibbs gasped. "Captain, what're you doing?! You've doomed us all!"

"No I haven't," said Jack, although privately he admitted there was at least a fifty percent chance that he had done just that. "As long as our transmission is going out…there's still a chance." _I hope._

With one final twist of the levers, the monstrous crew of the _Dutchman_ slammed the capstan back into the deck with a fervent roar. The entire ship shook, and an otherworldly pulse of subsonic energy rippled outwards through the depths of space, buffeting the _Black Pearl _as it passed over it. Every crew member of the retrofitted pirate vessel froze in their tasks. They all knew what that pulse meant. They all knew what Davy Jones was calling.

Within moments, it appeared. A portal that seemed a bizarre mix of deep water and darkness swirled into being nearby, an ominous doorway to the depths of the Caribbean seas that had no business existing out in space. Defying the laws of physics and ocean life, Davy Jones's pet beast slithered out of the dark doorway and emerged fully into space, its monstrous form illuminated by the stars and the glowing lights on both sailing vessels. The infamous Kraken was ten times as long as most smaller vessels, with a body like a cuttlefish, a long sharp tail like a squid, a ring of massive tentacles with suction disks powerful enough to pull a ship from its underside and two extra-long hunting tentacles that could be used to split a boat in two, a pair of large round eyes with orange irises and black pupils, and a circular mouth with six sets of spiked, razor-sharp teeth and the breath of a thousand rotting corpses. Truly it was one of the most horrendous beasts ever to swim the Seven Seas, and clearly it was as accustomed to swimming amongst the stars as it was in the depths.

Davy Jones laughed raucously, clicking his crab claw in glee. "Go, my pet! Destroy the _Black Pearl!_ Kill Jack Sparrow and feast on his crew! Let none survive!" With a horrific shriek, the Kraken started undulating towards the _Black Pearl,_ intending to do just that.

"Permission to ready the escape pods, Cap'n?" Gibbs queried, a tremor in his voice.

Jack shook his head. "Not yet, Mr. Gibbs."

"But Cap'n-"

"NOT YET, MISTER GIBBS!"

"You'd better have a _really _cunning plan, Jack my boy," Barbossa grunted. "Because, last time I checked, our weapons can't do any lasting damage on that abomination. Its living flesh knits up its wounds, its tentacles regrow almost instantaneously after being severed, and our harpoon hasn't even been able to touch the blasted thing since it always moves out of the way or grabs the thing in its appendages before it can pierce its soft, vulnerable brain."

"It's a cunning plan, all right," Jack boasted. "The most cunning and brilliant plan that has ever been concocted. So brilliant, in fact, that generations from now pirates across the galaxy will look back on this moment and say, 'Wow, that Jack Sparrow was one hell of a bright guy and snappy dresser,' and then they will have drinks in my honor, and…er…" Jack blinked. "Where was I?"

"Your plan?" Barbossa said dryly.

"Oh. That. Yes, it really is quite clever. You'll be impressed when you see it unfold." He glanced around anxiously, scanning the nearby solar system and nebula. "Now, where _is_ that blasted fish?"

"Fish?" asked a confused Barbossa and Gibbs.

"Well, I suppose technically it's not a _fish,_" Jack admitted. "But it has fins and a tail and tastes pretty scrumptious over an open flame, so…"

Down below, the deck of the _Black Pearl _was in chaos. The crew was either running about screaming their heads off due to their fear of the Kraken, firing at the beast with the ship's cannons and doing no damage whatsoever, hiding in corners sucking their thumbs, or flinging themselves overboard in hopes that they could swim to safety…which they realized was a pretty stupid idea after they remembered they were in space, not the Caribbean, and so instead of water all they had to fall into was the endless abyss of space, leaving them no recourse but to tumble helplessly off into the void. The Kraken propelled itself closer to the _Pearl_, tentacles reaching out eagerly to pull the vessel into its deadly embrace and crush and consume everyone on board, especially that pesky pirate whom its master hated so that had escaped its grasp far too many times before…

And paused, tentacles outstretched and glistening, as an echo reverberated throughout space, filtered through the auditory receptors on its skin, and flew up the neural networks to its oversized, fleshy brain. The Kraken's eyes shrank. There was something familiar about that echo. Something that triggered an instinctual emotion so foreign and unheard of in the mind of the legendary sea devil that it took the Kraken several moments to realize what it was experiencing:

Fear.

The crew of the _Black Pearl_ froze in their terror, also recognizing the sound. How could they not? They were, after all, experienced seamen. "Cap'n, is that…" Gibbs started.

"Whalesong?" Barbossa murmured. "Out here?! Preposterous!"

Jack Sparrow grinned. "I told you, mates, I had one doozy of a plan under my hat."

Davy Jones' tentacled beard writhed in agitation. As master of the seas, he too recognized the melodious sound of whalesong. "A whale? Out here, in space?! How could that be possible?! Unless…" His eyes widened in horror. "NO! SPARROW! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

Jack chuckled and raised the speaking horn to his lips. "Well, you see mate, after our last little run-in with you and your pet squid, and discovered my ship's fancy new weapons had no effect on it, I got to thinking about what else might possibly work. I asked myself: 'Come on, Jack, it's a sea creature, every monster of the deep has to fear _something_, even the legendary Kraken! So think: what could a giant squid like the Kraken possibly be afraid of?' And then it hit me, a few weeks ago, when we were in port on a lovely little space station and I discovered an interesting find in the local gift shop…

"It was a disc with recorded tracks of all sorts of space whale songs, which idiot tourists buy because they think it's soothing and will help them sleep at night. And, while examining this odd curiosity, I learned more about the space whales from the shopkeep…especially one very legendary beast in particular, almost as infamous throughout the galaxy as your squid was on our world. And it was then that I knew what I had to do, for what else would a giant monster squid be afraid of…but a giant monster _sperm whale?"_

Davy Jones gasped, as did Gibbs and Barbossa. "No! You can't mean-"

"That's right, mate. You see, I bought that disc, and for the last ten minutes have been broadcasting the track labeled 'Whale distress song' on all channels on subsonic frequencies even your experienced ears wouldn't have been able to pick up. And with that song, I've been able to summon the one, the only…" Nearby, a swirling energy vortex appeared, one just as big as the portal from which the Kraken had appeared. The surface of the vortex darkened and bulged outward as something rammed into it from the other side, breaching through the gateway and arcing over the _Black Pearl_, nearly grazing the crow's nest as it went, leaving sparks and glistening particles of energy trailing from its form. The immense gray sperm whale, its gaping jaws big enough to swallow most sailing vessels and smaller starships, bellowed as it approached the Kraken, the pumping of its flukes propelling it forward at immense speeds and causing spatial ripples which rocked the _Black Pearl_ in its wake. "MONSTRO!"

The Kraken squealed in fright and reversed, trying to get as far away from its natural enemy as it could and return to the safety of the deep ocean it has just vacated. Monstro, the giant space whale clearly hungry for the flesh of giant space squid, pursued the cephalopod, roaring a song of battle. "No! NO! Get back in there, you blasted sea slug, he's getting away!" Davy Jones roared ineffectually at his pet monster as the _Black Pearl _fired up its engines and quickly started to fly away. He whirled on his first mate. "Rally the men! After him, AFTER HIM!"

The crew, driven by urgency and fear of the cruel retribution their captain would bring on them if they failed, quickly raised the sails and set off after the _Black Pearl,_ which had already gotten a bit of a head start. They left the Kraken behind, forcing the beast to wrestle desperately with Monstro for its life. Jack glanced back through his telescope, saw that the _Dutchman_ was chasing after them, and turned to Gibbs. "Mr. Gibbs, activate the hyperdrive please."

Gibbs, who had been stunned speechless momentarily by the appearance of the giant sperm whale Jack had apparently summoned, blinked and looked at his captain in confusion. "What? But Cap'n, I don't think it's ready yet-"

As if on cue, Pinet and Ragetti scrambled onto the bridge. "We fixed the hyperdrive, Cap'n!" Pinet said with a smart salute. "No thanks to this idiot, here."

"Hey!" Ragetti scowled, a hand on the socket containing his false eye. "It's not my fault this thing keeps slipping out. I'd have gotten a better one long ago if Barbossa hadn't forbidden it!" Jack glanced at his former first mate suspiciously, but the dead man told no tale. "Anyway, we _did_ fix it, though I don't see how it could possibly work, seeing as how Einstein's theory of relativity states that it's impossible for anything to move faster than light speed, which is technically exactly what the hyperdrive allows us to do. It goes against the laws of physics and thermodynamics!"

"You're serving on a pirate ship that's been retrofitted to fly in space in a universe full of magic where, apparently, we're able to breathe without sucking on vacuum or dying of explosive decompression, fleeing from a cursed ship that's at least half plant matter crewed by a bunch of amalgamations of sea fauna that were once men who can summon a giant squid which is capable of swimming through space as easily as water, and you're worrying about something as ludicrous as how we can move faster than light speed?" Pinet asked Ragetti incredulously.

The false-eyed man considered that for a moment. "Ah," he said. "Good point. It all makes sense when you put it like that."

"What in blazes are they talking about?" asked a dumbfounded Gibbs.

"I have no idea," Jack said honestly. "And I don't really care. Now that the hyperdrive is fixed, let's get out of here before Mr. Jones and his nasty crew of fish-men catch up with us."

Gibbs straightened. "Aye-aye, cap'n! What's our heading?"

"Ah…" Jack glanced at his compass. The arrow was spinning wildly and showed no sign of slowing down. "Thataway!" he commanded, pointing in a random direction.

Gibbs nodded, used to such seemingly meaningless commands from his somewhat eccentric captain. "Yes sir, thataway it is!" He activated an intercom. "All hands prepare yourselves, we're about to accelerate to faster-than-light speed! Engine room, go forward, full power!"

"NO! YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE ME! NOT AGAIN!" Davy Jones bellowed in protest as the _Black Pearl_ began to accelerate away, its thrusters glowing brighter as they prepared to engage the hyperdrive.

Jack hopped up onto the railing on the back of the command deck, grabbed a line for support, and doffed his hat in a sign of mock farewell. "Sorry, old sea-dog, better luck next time! And until then, remember this as the day you _almost_ caught Jack-" Without warning, a monkey dressed like a pirate dropped down from the nearest mast and landed on Jack's face, causing him to fall to the deck screaming as it tried to claw his eyes out. "Aaaaahhh! Get off me! Bad undead monkey, bad, BAD!"

"AAAAH! AAAHHH! AAAAAH!" the undead monkey in question shrieked.

Barbossa laughed. "That a boy, Jack, keep it up, claw his eyes out! And I'm talking to the monkey, not you, Captain, just to make things clear."

"Damn you, Barbossa! I'll keelhaul you for this! I'll run you through with my Keyblade!" Jack threatened as he wrestled with the monkey who shared his name.

"You'll have to get that monkey off your back, first." Barbossa laughed at his own joke.

"Shouldn't we help the captain?" a concerned Ragetti asked Pinet.

Pinet looked at the wild and savage monkey that had scratched his face and tried to bite his fingers off many times. "Naw, he'll be fine," he said off-handedly.

Gibbs sighed and put his face in his hands. "Lord, why did I leave the Caribbean for this?"

Rather than getting an answer, the _Black Pearl_ accelerated to hyperspeed, blasting off faster than the speed of light and vanishing into the depths of space, leaving an infuriated Davy Jones behind. "DAMN YOU, JACK SPARROW! THIS ISN'T OVER! I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE! _I WILL HAVE YOUR SOUL_!" The captain of the _Flying Dutchman_ roared in fury. He whirled on his monstrous crew, who cowered back from him in fright. "Don't just stand there, you layabouts! After him! Prepare the ship for subspace submersion, we're not letting him get away with this! His ship may be faster than ours, but we'll get him someday, no ship can evade the _Flying Dutchman forever!"_

"Right away, Captain! But, ah, we may have a problem…" Maccus, the hammerhead shark-headed first mate said timidly.

Davy Jones thrust his gruesome visage into the first mate's face, his beard tentacles writhing and twisting and looking as if they would love to crawl up Maccus's facial orifices and rip out his brain and eyeballs. "WHAT!?"

Maccus bit his lip, causing quite a lot of blood to well up due to his shark teeth. "Well, ah, first of all, the Kraken's gone. It fled back to…wherever you call it from after Monstro ripped off several of its tentacles and bloodied one of its eyes."

Davy Jones scowled. "Inconvenient, but nothing to worry about. The Kraken's tough, it'll be back in fighting shape in no time. We'll need to prepare more whaling harpoons, though, if Sparrow's going to try that again in the future...the ones we have right now aren't strong enough to kill something as big as that Monstro!"

"Er, yeah, speaking of which…" Maccus hesitated. "That's the other problem. Monstro's still here. And he seems to be…ah…amorous."

Davy Jones blinked. He turned around and found himself staring right into one of Monstro's enormous bloodshot yellow eyes. The giant sperm whale was swimming next to the _Flying Dutchman_, issuing a different, more crooning melody than before. "What the…why is it singing a mating song?!"

"Er…I think Captain Sparrow was wrong, Captain. He didn't use a whale distress call at all, he used a whale _mating call,_" Maccus said nervously.

"A mating call," Davy Jones said blankly.

Maccus nodded. "Er, it would appear that way. And since the _Dutchman_ looks more like a sea creature than a boat, Monstro might be thinking…"

"That we're the one who was making that call," Jones finished.

Maccus swallowed. "Yes sir."

Davy Jones sighed. "Maccus, do you know if giant space whales happen to have prehensile members like many of the ones back in the oceans we hail from do?"

Maccus blinked. "Ah, no Cap'n, I don't. Why?"

Davy Jones, master of the _Flying Dutchman_ and terror of the seven seas, grimaced. "I think we're about to find out."

…

Nothing new or interesting had happened to Prydain or Narnia in the last few weeks. That was because both of them had been completely destroyed by Maleficent's forces. Nothing left of either but burning cinders.

The lion Aslan looked out across the vast, empty plains before him, devoid of any life or distinguishing features whatsoever. The skies above were equally blank, without sun, without clouds or moon or stars, just empty blackness. He sighed, the anguish in his heart for the land he had lost still burning deeply within his chest. He did not let it bother him for more than a moment, though, he did not have time to feel sorry for himself. He knew what he had to do.

"So," he said quietly, in a voice which nevertheless seemed to echo to every corner of the empty, unborn world. "It begins again."

And then he opened wide his mighty jaws and began to sing.

…

"Is this really necessary?" Prince John whimpered. "I mean, come on, we're all sensible people, couldn't we just talk about this instead?"

"DEATH TO JOHN! DEATH TO JOHN! DEATH TO JOHN!" the angry crowd roared.

Prince John winced and cowered away from the spectators, bumping into the liveried rhino guards behind him, who growled warningly. He swallowed and stepped away from them, his shackles jangling. "I guess not," he muttered.

It was a very dreary day for an execution. The sky was overcast and gray, the temperature was chilly, and it looked like it was going to rain. That hadn't stopped pretty much the entire population of Nottingham from crowding into the castle courtyard and cramming themselves into bleacher seats to watch the big event. Vendors walked about selling candy and refreshments, minstrels strummed on their harps and guitars, jesters danced about and entertained the masses, and one clever entrepreneur was making a killing (no pun intended) by selling T-shirts and pennants and funny hats commemorating this momentous occasion. Public executions had always been a spectator sport in England, and just about every other world, for that matter. You only got to see a person die once, after all, and they had been waiting a very long time to see Prince John get what he deserved.

A large gallows had been built in the middle of the courtyard, and stood there, its noose swinging ominously, awaiting its chosen victim. John gulped loudly and wished he had his crown. Or his blanket. Or his mother. Any one of them would have made him feel slightly better.

John's brother, King Richard, observed the goings-on from an upper balcony, along with his elite guard and the nobility, who were chatting with each other as attendants served them refreshments. Richard sighed and put his chin in his hands. "A rather dreary day for a hanging, isn't it? Well, I suppose it fits the occasion…"

"Your Majesty," Robin of Loxley, once known as Robin Hood, whispered in the King's ear. "Are you absolutely _certain_ this is necessary?"

"The public hanging of my brother? Certainly. He usurped my kingdom from me while I was away in the Crusades, overtaxed and oppressed my people, attempted to ally with villains as part of an interplanetary coalition of evil, and turned into a giant monster that tried to blow up a planet while we were on it. I'm pretty sure that carries a death penalty…" Richard mused.

"Well, I guess that's all true," Robin admitted. "Except for the giant monster part. He didn't really have a say in that."

"True," Richard admitted.

"But…is an execution really necessary? I mean, he's your _brother_, of all people. Royalty, just like you! Wouldn't it be better to just let him rot in the dungeons forever rather than hanging him?" Robin continued.

Richard sighed. "It's precisely because he _is_ my brother that I'm doing this…if I give him a swift death, he won't have to suffer the indignity of being imprisoned forever. I know it might sound twisted, but…in a way, it's the only method by which I can show him mercy."

"You're right, that _does_ sound rather twisted," Robin muttered.

Richard frowned at him. "I'm somewhat surprised, Robin. Weren't you the one effectively leading the resistance against Prince John while I was away? Robbing from the rich and giving to the poor and all that?"

"Yes," Robin admitted. "But, while I wanted John off the throne and you taking his place, I never actually wanted him _dead_. I mean, sure, I occasionally fantasized about putting an arrow between his eyes, but I never really intended to do it; I was out to humiliate and discredit him and give hope back to the people, not kill him. I know that might not make a lot of sense, but…it's just how I felt."

Richard nodded. "I understand more than you might think, Robin…and to be completely honest, I'm not entirely happy about this either."

Robin blinked in surprise. "You're not?"

"Of course not," Richard scoffed. "I may hate him and be furious with him but, as you said before, he _is_ my brother. He's family."

"But…then why…" stammered a confused Robin.

"Why don't I just spare his life and let him spend the rest of it in the dungeons? Partly because of all the reasons I gave you before. And also because…" Richard gestured out at the throng of commoners below, who were watching excitedly as the chief executioner, a burly rhino in a black hood, put a stuffed dummy of Prince John in the noose and pulled the nearby lever, causing the trapdoor on the gallows platform to fall open. The dummy fell through and was ripped in two, the noose yanking the head off the doll and causing stuffing to fly everywhere. The crowd cheered raucously, and the real John turned very pale. "Do you see how happy they are, Robin? They've been trapped under John's thumb for all the years I was away, constantly oppressed and abused and exploited with no other hope for salvation but you, and my possible but unlikely return. While you fought against John's injustice on their behalf, you did not suffer from that subjugation as much as they did, living out in the middle of the woods where the Sheriff's men could never find you. You and your men were outlaws, but you were free…the people of Nottingham had no such liberty from my brother's tyranny. You might not have wanted to kill John…but they certainly did." He shrugged. "I'm only giving the people what they want, as much as it may hurt me to kill my own brother."

"…Oh. I hadn't thought of it that way," Robin admitted after a moment, somewhat disturbed. "Then…you're doing it because…"

"Because the people of my kingdom are still excited and riled up by their previous tyrant being overthrown, but aren't yet complacent enough to consider _not_ overthrowing me if they decide that I'm going to be as bad a King as my brother was," Richard explained. "So, until they've calmed down, it would be in my best interest to give them what they want, and what they want is my brother's head. And if I don't give it to them, things could get ugly." He sighed. "It's not easy being the King."

"No," Robin murmured in agreement. "I suppose it isn't." His mind was reeling as the entire purpose behind this execution was made clear to him. He hadn't looked at it from this angle. This changed everything.

Or did it?

He clenched and unclenched his fists, thinking of the meeting he had had with his somewhat reluctant ex-Merry Men the night before, to plan out a rescue attempt to save Prince John from the gallows. As he had told the King, he had hated the Prince, but didn't necessarily want to see him dead, and wasn't sure he could just stand back and let him be executed without at least trying to do something about it. He had rescued so many others from the gallows before, when he was an outlaw, after all.

His men were down there now, in the courtyard, in disguise so they could blend in easily with the crowd and the vendors and even the guards. All he had to do was give the agreed-upon signal, and they'd strike quickly, extracting John and racing back to the safety of their old hideout in Sherwood Forest. This would, of course, make them outlaws again, but many of them had gotten rather used to that lifestyle anyway, and while they were not completely comfortable with rejecting the newly reclaimed trappings of civilization and returning to the woods, they would do it if Robin said it was the right thing to do. Robin had been fully ready to sacrifice the land and title he had gotten back with Richard's return to the throne, and even give up Marian and the life he had been looking forward to with her, for the sake of his principles, to save a man's life no matter how much of a rat that man was…

But now that he knew this execution was not just the decree of another tyrant, that this was, in fact, what just about _everyone_ wanted (even, Robin admitted to himself, a number of his own men), Robin wasn't sure what to do. His resolve had been shaken. He had always seen himself as a servant of the people, and if this was what the people demanded, who was he to prevent them from getting it?

But…if he stood by and did nothing while Prince John, the symbol of everything he had ever fought against, was hung like a common criminal…would he ever be able to live with himself afterwards?

All he had to do was give the signal…or not give it. It was as simple as that. And whatever Robin did, it would have to be soon, as an unhappy John was forced at spear point up the stairs to the gallows platform, where the executioner and Friar Tuck were waiting for him, one to kill the prince, and the other to read the condemned man his last rites. There wasn't much time left for Robin and his men to act, if that was indeed what they were going to do.

All he had to do was give the signal.

All he had to do was look the other way.

Robin clenched his teeth, knowing that whatever choice he made, whatever his inevitable decision, he would always be haunted by the thoughts of what might have been.

As the holy man Tuck finished quoting Scripture to a very miserable John and stepped away, King Richard rose to his feet. The common people cheered below. "Prince John," Richard said gravely. "You have been accused of usurping my throne and overtaxing my people, of committing all sorts of foul and abominable acts in my absence, and of conspiring with otherworldly devils to strengthen your grip on my kingdom and to extend the reach of evil across the stars. What say you to these charges?"

"I'm innocent!" John blubbered pathetically, tears and snot running down his face. "It was all Sir Hiss's idea! He came up with the plan to hypnotize you so you'd run off to join the Crusades, and for me to overtax everyone so we could both get more munny, and to become the ruler of entire planets by allying with Maleficent when she showed up on my doorstep offering me the power of darkness! It was all Hiss, I swear it, I swear it on our parents' graves!" He looked up at Richard with bleary red eyes. "Please, Richard…I'm your brother. You have to believe me! You don't _really_ want me dead that badly…do you? I mean, come on, that whole giant monster thing was an _accident,_ you know that!"

Richard looked away from his brother, gazing out at all the people assembled in the courtyard. "What say you, people of Nottingham? Shall I spare this man, your tyrant, my only brother?"

"NO!" the crowd roared unanimously.

"STRING UP THE BASTARD!" One particularly irate mother of five shouted.

Richard sighed and looked down at John almost apologetically. "It would seem that the people have spoken. I am sorry, John."

"RICHARD!" John screamed desperately as the guards grabbed him by the arms and dragged him over to the noose. "RICHARD, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! WHAT WOULD OUR MOTHER THINK?!" At the mention of his mother, his eyes watered up and he started bawling pathetically. "MUMMYYYYYYYY!!"

Richard shook his head wearily and sat back down in his chair. "Goodbye…my brother."

Robin ground his teeth, digging his nails into the arm of his chair as the guards forced John's head through the noose. Down in the crowd below, the paradoxically named Little John glanced up at Robin expectantly.

All he had to do was give the signal.

All he had to do was look away.

The ex-prince's life was, literally, in his hands.

Robin of Loxley, once known as Robin Hood, took a deep breath, closed his eyes…

And made the hardest decision of his life.

…

"And THAT, Your Majesty, is proof positive that my client is innocent! It was, in fact, the Jack of Hearts who stole your tarts, and the prosecution helped him do it and is lying about it to cover their own asses!" Phoenix Wright declared, giving his final statement in a case that had been dragging on for far too long, was completely ridiculous, and had drained him of almost every drop of his natural charm and resources what with being forced to comply with the absolutely ludicrous excuses for 'laws' that existed in Wonderland. Still, he had managed to gather the right evidence, interrogate the right witnesses, and work within all the right laws to get absolutely indisputable proof that his client was innocent, fingering the real thief in the process, as usual.

Spent and exhausted from his speech, he slumped back into his seat and gave his client, Alice, a weary grin and a thumb's-up, mouthing, 'We've got it in the bag!' The prosecution, the Mad Hatter, craned his head over his back and found, to his confusion, that nothing was covering his ass, since he had chosen not to wear pants that day. The Jack of Tarts, the real thief of the Queen of Heart's tarts, was sweating like mad and nibbling on his fingernails. The jury, a bunch of local crazies, were all snoring loudly. The Queen of Hearts, the judge in this sorry excuse for a kangaroo court, 'hmmed' and stroked her chin.

At last, she opened her gruesome jaws and uttered her proclamation. "GUILTY! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

Phoenix started, as the jury woke up with a grunt of surprise and the spectators behind him gasped. "Wh-what?! But-but the Jack did it! He even confessed to stealing your tarts!"

"That's right, I did," the Jack admitted reluctantly.

"My client didn't do it! Why is she guilty?!" Phoenix demanded.

"Because I think your hair is stupid," the Queen explained. Everyone else in the courtoom nodded and made noises of understanding, agreeing with the Queen's verdict completely.

Phoenix turned bright red. "I OBJECT!"

The Queen shrugged. "I don't care. Now, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

Phoenix's eye twitched. "Well, this is the last time I ever come to Wonderland," he grumbled as the Queen's Card Soldiers and Heartless guards surrounded them.

"Mr. Wright, what do we do now?" an anxious Alice asked.

"There's only one thing we can do, Alice…" Phoenix said firmly. Taking a deep breath, he pointed in a random direction. "Look, over there, it's the Cheshire Cat playing with a rare limited-edition Steel Samurai figurine!"

Instantly, all the guards whirled around to see that the Cheshire Cat was, indeed, playing with a rare limited-edition Steel Samurai figurine. "Oh dear," said the surprised cat.

"GET HIM! I WANT THAT ACTION FIGURE!" the Queen bellowed.

The guards quickly moved to surround the Cat (fat lot of good it did them, since he promptly vanished into thin air), creating a distraction that lasted long enough for Phoenix to grab Alice by the hand and bolt from the courtroom. The Queen shrieked in fury and shouted for her guards to stop them, screaming that she'd decapitate everyone's heads if she didn't get what she wanted.

As Phoenix sprinted pell-mell for his ship, a terrified Alice tucked under his arm and a bunch of angry cards and Heartless chasing after them, he thought to himself, _Note to self: never, ever, EVER let Maya pick a vacation spot ever again!_

…

"Hmm…" Alphamon glanced up from the paper in his hand and looked at the Digimon on the other side of his desk through his reading glasses. "Well, Mr. Examon, everything seems to be in order…you have an exceptional resume and outstanding recommendations…if anything, I'd say you were _too_ qualified for this job!"

Examon, a bipedal red dragon with four massive red wings bigger than his body, (two growing from his back and two growing from the undersides of his clawed arms) with spiked shoulders, gold-tipped talons, a very long flexible tail ending in a gold point (with gold points on the end of each of his wing 'fingers' as well), and three gold-tipped horns (one of them on his nose) with gold studs embossed in their sides, a chest covered in black-plated scales, and a weapon that looked like a cross between a lance and a gun, fidgeted in the too-small seat he was squished in. "Er, what do you mean, sir?"

Alphamon gave him an indulgent look. "Well, I'm not quite sure I understand why the emperor of all dragon Digimon would desire to lower himself by joining a team of knights who, while called Royal, are not actually royalty…" Examon flushed, and Alphamon laughed. "It's fine, young mon. Everyone pads their resume a bit, it's all right. Now…could you just answer a few questions for me, please? First of all, I'm not exactly sure why you want to join our organization. According to your resume and recommendations, you had a good position as one of the members of Magnadramon's (the last of the Four Great Dragons), Draconian Legion. You've fought in a number of battles and have an impressive number of victories under your belt, fought well in the Heartless Wars, and were even considered at one point for leadership of the Legion. So…with all that going for you, why did you decide to leave?"

"Well, sir…" Examon fidgeted some more. "You're right, I did do well in the Draconic Legion. But…when the Heartless attacked, we weren't able to do much against them. In fact, most of us got slaughtered, including some very good friends of mine. Most of the rulers of the Digital World are dead now, and there's no telling if they'll ever be able to come back. But you, sir…you and the Royal Knights…you were the ones who were able to drive the Heartless off the planet and save us all."

Alphamon looked somewhat embarrassed. "We had to use some rather…unorthodox methods to do so…"

"But it worked, sir! And the Legion, no matter how much I love it and am indebted to it…couldn't." Examon sighed. "Sir, I've always wanted to make a difference, do some good for the Digital World. And while I've done that in the Legion, I think that as a member of the Royal Knights, I could do so much more to protect the Digimon we serve!"

Alphamon nodded. "I see. Is that the only reason you want to join our ranks?"

Now Examon looked embarrassed. "Well…no, sir. There's another reason. From what I hear correctly, the Royal Knights have negotiated a treaty between our world and the Disney Empire, correct?"

Alphamon nodded. "That's right. The Royal Knights will serve as the Digital World's official representatives and liaison to the worlds outside our own. We will help the many worlds gathering together under King Mickey's banner fight against the Heartless and Nobodies the evil Maleficent commands, and provide troops and assistance where they are needed. We will also have to keep a lookout on our own world, too, to make sure no evil Digimon such as our old enemies, the Seven Demon Lords, decides to join forces with Maleficent's coalition to utilize the powers of darkness."

"And that's the other reason I want to join, sir," Examon said excitedly. "I've…always wanted to go to other worlds. See what's out there. Meet all the organic and non-Digital lifeforms living throughout the universe. Now that our world's been brought into the same dimensional plane as everyone else's, I could have that chance. And since the Royal Knights are going to be the Digital World's official representatives to the stars…"

"You think that joining us will give you the opportunity to see other worlds," Alphamon finished.

Examon nodded. "Precisely, sir."

Alphamon chuckled. "Well, I can't say I don't respect your enthusiasm. I for one would be glad to have you join us, we too suffered significant losses in the battles with the Heartless and could use as many good Digimon as we cam get to bring our roster up to full strength once again. However…" He gave Examon a hard look. "I'm afraid I must offer you a word of warning, before you make your final decision. We do things a little…differently around here. I'm sure you're used to strict discipline and regimentation from your time with the Legion, but here we do things a little more…relaxed and haphazardly. Not because I don't try to enforce discipline, but mainly because most of the Knights pay no attention to my attempts to do so and do their own thing. They've even used our Knightmon soldiers to play living Chess matches on more than one occasions."

Examon blinked. "O…kay…"

"Chess matches with explosions, rocket-propelled grenades, ballet, ribbons, musical numbers, and more often than not, many more than two sides," Alphamon added. Examon's eyes widened. "Like I was saying, we do things differently around here. A lot of my Knights are…very, very eccentric. I just want you to know, before you get into this, that many of your colleagues are not just going to give you a hard time, they may actually drive you insane. It's happened before."

"R-really?" asked an alarmed Examon.

Alphamon nodded. "Absolutely. Have you ever heard of KnightBurgermon?"

"No, who-"

"One of your predecessors. He only lasted three hours before he accidentally got eaten by Duftmon in Leopard Mode, who was starving and thought he would taste like hamburger. Needless to say, he didn't," Alphamon explained.

Examon paled. "Oh," he said faintly.

"Fortunately, you're a bit too big for that to happen to, so you should be all right…from that angle, anyway," Alphamon continued. "Though you'll still have to watch out for Crusadermon's poems, Dynasmon's pranks and attempts to make speeches or sing, Duftmon's attitude, and a number of other things while you're here. But, if you can deal with all that and maintain your sanity—or keep from developing a terrible 'eccentricity' of your own—then you should fit in fine. Well, other than you being a dragon rather than a knight, per se, since you don't have a suit of armor like the rest of us. But we're an equal opportunity organization, and we're not going to hold a lack of armor against you."

"Good to hear," Examon said faintly. "Um, you were kidding about that KnightBurgermon thing, weren't you?"

Alphamon was about to reply when his intercom started buzzing. "Hold that thought." The leader of the Royal Knights pressed a button on his desk. "Alphamon."

"Um, Alphamon?" a timid voice spoke from the speaker on the knight leader's desk. "I've lost my armor…again…"

Alphamon put a hand over his eyes for a moment. "Magnamon," Alphamon said finally. "This is the second time this week, and the tenth this month."

"I know," Magnamon said in a tiny, nervous voice.

"I can't let this keep happening. If you can't keep track of your suit, I may be forced to discharge you, your suit's too expensive to replace every time it gets destroyed or stolen and sold on the black market."

"I know."

Alphamon sighed. "Look, get some Knightmon to help you search headquarters. If you still haven't found it later, I'll see what I can do. Okay?"

"Okay…" Magnamon sighed. "I don't think it'll be here, though. I'm pretty sure Solarismon stole it."

Alphamon blinked. "Who?"

"One of the Digimon who didn't make the cut for the Royal Knights. She was upset that you never read her application," Magnamon explained.

Alphamon frowned, puzzled. "That's strange…I always read every application from hopeful future Knights, and I don't remember any Solarismon being one of them. Are you sure she sent one?"

"Yeah, it was on the day when Sleipmon went sleepwalking and ate all the…paperwork…oh." Magnamon was quiet for a moment.

Alphamon sighed. "Typical. What makes you think she might have taken it?"

"Well, other than the fact that she might have a grudge since we didn't let her in, I…kind of ran into her last night, and…well, we…you know…"

Alphamon groaned. "Say no more, Magnamon. Say no more. Look, I'm in the middle of something right now, I'll help you when I'm done. Try to get in touch with this Solarismon in the meantime."

"Yessir." Magnamon hung up.

Alphamon glanced back at Examon. "Sorry about that. Now, where were-" The intercom buzzed again. "Hold on." He pressed the button. "Alphamon."

"I'm going to fucking kill Dynasmon!!" Duftmon roared. "That asshole snuck into my room, cut off my hair, and dyed what was left of it green! GREEN! And it WON'T FUCKING COME OUT!"

"Try bubble gum and industrial solvent," Alphamon suggested. "And if all else fails, shave it off. You needed a haircut anyway."

"WHAT?!" Duftmon howled.

"Look on the bright side, at least it's not pink."

There was a pause. "Well, there is that…" Duftmon admitted.

"Try to fix your hair color before you go out to kill Dynasmon. And if you can't…well, who knows? It might be a new look for you." Alphamon hung up. "Okay, now-" The intercom buzzed again. Alphamon sighed. "Sorry. Just a second." He pressed the button. "Alphamon speaking."

"I've been raped," UlforceVeedramon whispered in a hushed, horrified voice.

Alphamon and Examon stared at the speaker in disbelief. "You've been _what?!_" Alphamon asked incredulously.

"I've been raaaaaaaped!" UlforceVeedramon sobbed.

Alphamon sighed in exasperation. "UlforceVeedramon, for the last time, getting a prostate exam is not the same as being raped." He hung up. "Right, now that that disturbing business is over-" The intercom buzzed again. "Oh, what now?!" He pressed the button. "Alphamon."

"I've finished a new epic poem that's over eight thousand verses long," Crusadermon said graciously. "Would you like to hear it?"

"Not if it were the last poem in the Digital World, which, thankfully, it's not." Alphamon hung up. "Phew, just dodged a bullet there-" The intercom buzzed. "Oh, come on!" Alphamon pressed the button. "Alphamon."

"Seven Days," a ghastly voice whispered.

"Sorry, wrong number." Alphamon hung up. "Now-" The intercom buzzed. One of Alphamon's eyes twitched. He stabbed the speaker button. "Alphamon."

"Someone's eaten all my carrots!" Sleipmon snarled. "And my Reppamon won't stop saying 'Leppa!' for some reason!"

"You can buy more from the Digi-Mart. As for the Reppamon, send them to therapy. A good one, the last one went insane and started saying 'Leppa' too." Alphamon hung up. "He has such weird subordinates." The intercom buzzed again. "For the love of-" Alphamon pressed the button with his fist. "What?!"

"Omnimon seems to have gone insane...again…sir," Gallantmon said apologetically. "He clearly hasn't been able to fully reintegrate his personas after he split apart in Dark City to create the Omega Sword."

In the background, Examon and Alphamon could hear Omnimon arguing with himself, literally. "No, left foot forward first, THEN right—no, not that left, your OTHER left—stop telling me how to walk, I know how! Oh yeah, then why do we keep bumping into walls and tripping over ourselves? It's because of that stupid cape, it doesn't need to be so big and long—Hey! Don't you DARE diss the cape! It's stupid, and so's that mouth thing on our faceplate! It is NOT stupid! Yes it is! No it isn't! Yet it is! No it isn't! Yes it is! No it isn't! DIE! YOU FIRST! AAARRRGGGHHHH! GRRRR! NNNNGGGHHH!"

Alphamon rubbed his aching temples. "Knock him out with your shield and send him to therapy with the Reppamon. With any luck, the psychiatrist can fix him up too. If not, while he might wind up saying 'Leppa' all the time, at least he'll think there's only one person in his head."

"Right away, sir." CLONG!

"Ow! You…you motherfuckerrrr…." Omnimon groaned before falling to the floor in an undignified heap.

Alphamon hung up. "Just another average day," he said calmly to Examon, who looked absolutely terrified. "There are times when I feel like killing some of them. Or myself. I'm not very picky on which it might be."

"Is it always like this around here?" the big red dragon asked anxiously.

"No, it's usually worse. A lot louder. With more explosions. Why, just yesterday we had to pull out a troop of Knightmon that got trapped in the hangar because Imperialdramon rolled over onto them! Boy, that was certainly a mess…still, everything else seems to be going smoothly so far today." There was a long pause. Alphamon winced. "I shouldn't have said that out loud, should I?"

There was an explosion nearby, and the entire building shook, knocking both Digimon out of their seats. The lights turned red and started flashing as klaxons blared. "WARNING! WARNING! WE ARE IN A CODE ZZZ EMERGENCY. RETURN TO YOUR ROOMS, LOCK THE DOORS, HIDE UNDER THE BED WITH YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR KNEES AND HOPE EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT. WARNING! WARNING! WE ARE IN A CODE ZZZ EMERGENCY. RETURN TO YOUR ROOMS…"

As the automated message repeated itself, Alphamon pulled himself back up and pressed a button on his desk. "Craniummon! What's going on?!"

"Ugh…sir, we have a serious catastrophe on our hands!" Craniummon grunted. "Dynasmon broke into my lab, hit me over the head with a table, and ran off with an experimental amplifier chip I was working on! I'm in pursuit now, but—and I pray I'm wrong—it looks like he's heading for the Imperialdramon hangar. And sir…he has a megaphone."

Alphamon's heart skipped a beat. "No…" he whispered. "Sweet Sovereigns no, _anything but that!"_

"I'm afraid it is, sir," Craniummon said apologetically.

"How did he even get his hands on a megaphone? Our security is supposed to be tight enough to keep one from being smuggled in or out, and I thought we'd managed to destroy all of the ones he had stashed around headquarters!" Alphamon demanded.

"Well…remember that megaphone I used to lure him into Imperialdramon's engine room back in Dark City? The one that I made sure wouldn't actually work?" Craniummon asked tentatively.

Alphamon groaned. "Don't tell me he fixed it…"

"Okay, I won't," said Craniummon.

Alphamon shook his head. "That doesn't matter now, Craniummon, we need to catch him before he gets to Imperialdramon! Keep up the pursuit!" He pushed another button. "All personnel, Dynasmon has been spotted heading for the Imperialdramon hangar with a megaphone and a dangerous amplifier chip, I repeat, Dynasmon has been spotted heading for the Imperialdramon hangar with a megaphone and a dangerous amplifier chip. You all know as well as I do what this means; everyone who can get down there and try to head him off before he gets to the hangar and uses Imperialdramon and that chip to unleash untold-of destruction and madness! I'll meet you all there. Alphamon out." He stood up and headed for the door. "Come on, Examon. Looks like you're going to be getting some on-the-job experience, and you haven't even been sworn in yet."

"S-Sir! What's going on?!" Examon stammered as he quickly followed Alphamon out into the hallway, trying to match the knight leader's rapid pace. He could sure move fast for someone wearing such heavy armor! "I thought Dynasmon was one of you, why is he-"

"Dynasmon suffers from the delusion that he is actually a good singer," Alphamon explained.

Examon blinked. "You mean like Etemon?"

"Precisely, except Dynasmon's more stubborn and hardheaded. And likes giving equally horrible speeches. And has Crusadermon as a girlfriend, oddly enough. Craniummon has a corollary to his theory on bad music that explains how it can attract people of similar awful tastes and talent together, but that's irrelevant at the moment," Alphamon said. "Like any person with delusions about their singing and speaking talents, Dynasmon loves performing for others, whether they want him to or not. He also loves using megaphones to do so, so he can broadcast his voice further and make sure everyone hears it, even if they don't want to. We have to keep a constant eye out to make sure he never gets access to a megaphone or a PA system, because if he does, he'll force everyone's ears to suffer with his terrible singing or awful speeches."

"Ohhhh," said Examon starting to get it. "So…he plans to use that amplifier to make the megaphone even louder—or make his bad speaking and singing talent stronger—so he can force more people to listen to him! Right?"

"Yes…however, the fact that he's going to Imperialdramon means this is far more disastrous then simply being forced to listen to him. It could very well mean the end of the world…" Alphamon said ominously.

Examon blinked. "Aren't you exaggerating a little?"

They got into an elevator, which automatically started descending through the many levels of the Royal Knights' headquarters. "Examon, the last time we gave Dynasmon access to Imperialdramon's public address system, he was able to sing loudly enough to kill just about every Heartless in the Digital World…and delete millions of innocent Digimon in the process. If he were to try using Imperialdramon again, with the power of that amplifier chip…there's no telling what could happen! The Digital World might simply explode from the sheer horrendousness of it!"

Examon's eyes bulged. "Oh sweet Jesusmon…"

"There is one?" Alphamon asked.

Examon tried again. "Sweet Goddramon?"

Alphamon nodded. "That's better. But hey, look on the bright side…if you help us stop Dynasmon from destroying the world, then you're on the team. Simple as that."

"Is it too late for me to go back to the Draconian Legion?" Examon asked desperately.

Alphamon nodded gravely. "I'm afraid so. I'm afraid so."

The elevator reached the appropriate floor, and the two Digimon disembarked and raced through the maze of hallways leading to Imperialdramon's hangar. Soon enough, they ran into Dynasmon, who was mercilessly knocking away the hundreds of Knightmon trying to slow him down and get his megaphone away from him before he could reach the Royal Knights' great dragon. "No! You can't have it, it's mine, mine I say! My megaphone! I must use it, to spread my words to the entire Digital World!"

"Good, we're not too late…we can still stop him!" said a relieved Examon.

The other Royal Knights quickly joined them, running over from separate directions. "Alphamon, we're here!" Craniummon reported.

"Not that we didn't have some trouble on the way," Gallantmon said sardonically, as Omnimon continued arguing with himself and punching himself in the face with both hands.

"Nice barrel," Duftmon sneered, looking at the barrel the once-again naked Magnamon was wearing.

"Nice haircut," Magnamon replied, looking at the rather scraggly and spiky green hair now sitting on Duftmon's head.

"…Touche," Duftmon grumbled.

"Who's the new guy?" UlforceVeedramon asked.

"This is Examon," Alphamon explained, gesturing to the great red dragon. "He's interested in joining the Royal Knights."

"I see…well, Examon, if you can help us subdue Dynasmon and destroy that megaphone, you're as good as one of us!" Sleipmon told Examon.

The dragon flushed redder. "Th-thanks," he said nervously.

"Okay, Knights, standard procedure," Alphamon informed his subordinates. "Duftmon, you're on point. I'm letting you get the first crack at him."

Duftmon chuckled darkly and cracked his knuckles. "With pleasure."

"Crusadermon, you distract Dynasmon while the rest of us…Crusadermon?" Alphamon inquired, double-taking when he saw that the pink Knight had vanished. "Where did-"

"Dynasmon, my beloved, I have come to join you!" Crusadermon announced, knocking away a dozen Knightmon that had been about to tackle him from behind with her Pile Bunker shield.

"You mean you're not going to try and stop me like the others usually do?" Dynasmon asked, looking surprised.

"No! Like you, I wish to spread beauty and music to the world…and with that amplifier chip, that's precisely what we're going to do! Together!" Crusadermon declared dramatically.

"Cool," said Dynasmon.

The other Knights groaned. "Well, this just made everything a whole lot tougher," UlforceVeedramon griped.

"And our chances of victory are even slimmer," said an anxious Craniummon. "If BOTH of them should gain control of Imperialdramon…I shudder to think of the consequences. It might truly be the end of the Digital World."

"We really need to kick them out or something…then again, if we did, they'd wander uncontrolled throughout the Digital World…at least here, we can supervise them. Sort of," said Gallantmon.

Magnamon groaned. "Great, I'm going to die naked…and in a barrel. This bites."

"It's not the end of the Digital World yet, we can still stop them!" Sleipmon pointed out.

"Yeah, preferably by beating the snot out of them! I've been looking forward to this a LONG time now," Duftmon snarled.

"That's something BOTH of us agree on!" Omnimon said with a nod, pausing in his masochistic tendencies.

"Are you ready, Examon?" Alphamon asked.

Examon swallowed and nodded. "I-I certainly hope so!"

"Good. In that case…Royal Knights, CHARGE!"

And so they did.

…

"I can't thank the both of you fellas enough for coming here and for agreeing to join the Inter-World Alliance. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see another couple of worlds get on board, since the more worlds we have standing together, the fewer there are that'll have to fight the darkness on their own," King Mickey said, shaking the hands of Emperor Kuzco of the Inca Empire and Prince Adam of the Enchanted Countryside.

"And I can't thank you enough for giving me this opportunity to protect my world and people," Adam said graciously to Mickey, giving him a half-bow after they parted hands. "I know all too well what it is like to lose my world, and it is my highest hope that this alliance we have made will guarantee my planet and the people I care about will never have to suffer that dark fate again."

"Yeah, what he said," said Kuzco. "Except my world never got eaten. Yet. And, uh, joining forces with you Disney guys will make sure that doesn't happen, right?"

"We'll do our best to make sure that our allied worlds receive the best protection they can get! We're all in this together, after all!" Mickey said enthusiastically.

"Right. And that means my Empire's gonna get all sorts of new technological toys, right?" Kuzco asked eagerly.

"To better the lives of your people, of course," Mickey said. "And to give you new sources of entertainment and prosperity."

Kuzco's eyes lit up. "Groovy."

"What he said," the amused Adam chuckled.

The three kings (well, one king, one prince, and one emperor) concluded negotiations on the entry of their worlds into King Mickey's growing alliance, and then headed for home in the personalized Gummy Ships the Mouse King had been gracious enough to lend them, as well as some samples of the sorts of goodies that would be made more available to their worlds once the new trade routes and interstellar byways Mickey was constructing to connect the worlds were completed. Mickey saw them off personally (always the courteous King), surreptitiously sent an escort of smaller cloaked ships to follow Adam and Kuzco home and make sure they got back to their respective worlds safely, then smiled cheerfully, patted himself on the back for a job well done, and headed back into the Castle proper to get back to more local matters of state now that this current session of interplanetary politics was concluded. A King's work was never done, after all.

Once inside, Donald and Goofy appeared out of nowhere and flanked him as they walked down the halls of the city-sized structure, passing functionaries and animated broomsticks as they went. "That went pretty well," Goofy said, seeming as pleased with their new allies as Mickey was.

"Yeah, but that Kuzco guy looked more interested in getting some new toys to play with than helping his people," Donald squawked in annoyance.

Mickey shrugged. "He's a little selfish, but he's basically a good guy at heart. Lots of rulers are like that, anyway. They can't all be exemplars like King Arthur."

"Or you," Goofy commented, causing Mickey to flush in embarrassment.

"So, uh, what's next on the agenda, fellas?" Mickey asked, quickly changing the subject.

Donald checked a very, very long scroll. "Well, let's see…first thing on the list is an apology to Duchess Clarabelle for Pluto digging up her petunias again."

Mickey sighed in exasperation. "Again?! I _told_ Pluto not to do it anymore…"

"Well, he must not have been paying attention. After that, you have to reenchant the magic brooms to keep them from going crazy (again), dedicate the opening of a new public school, commemorate the launch of three new luxury starships, have a quick lunch with Minnie, have a teleconference with Uncle Scrooge, Shere Khan, Don Chocobo, and that Waternoose guy to try and convince them to contribute just a _little_ bit more to the war effort, call Commander Nebula to discuss the extent to which it's okay for his Space Rangers to patrol and act in our region of space, have a quick spot of lunch with Minnie-"

"Hey, she still got that electro-collar thingamajigger on you, Yer Majesty?" Goofy asked. Mickey mutely tugged on the neck of his shirt to reveal that the collar in question was, indeed, still fastened around his neck. "Gawrsh, that's gotta be tough…"

Mickey shrugged. "Well, at least she hasn't shocked me with it this week…much. Now I know how Pluto must have felt when we put that collar on him and set up an 'invisible fence.' I'm glad I got rid of that thing."

"The Duchess certainly isn't," Donald grumbled, trying to get the other two back on track. "After lunch, you're scheduled to make a quick appearance at my nephews' school to give a talk on civic responsibility—ha, like that'll help 'em—and after that you've got a meeting with the Four Invincible Generals-"

"Why do we call them that, anyway?" Mickey wondered. "I mean, yeah, as the four leaders of the Disney Empire's military branches (land, sea, air, and space) they're very important, but far from invincible!"

Goofy shrugged. "It's a military thing, Yer Majesty. You know how weird we army types are about namin' stuff."

"Tell me about it," muttered Donald. "Anyway, after that you're supposed to meet Chip, Dale, and Admiral Cunningham at the orbital shipyards for a tour of the military Gummis we're building—or subcontracting to my Uncle and those other big businessmen—for the war effort. After that, you've got a teleconference with Queen Kikida to discuss the possibility of using Atlantean crystals as a new power source for our warships. Once that's done, you've got another quick conference with the rulers of Fairyworld to see what kind of magical assistance they're willing to lend us in the coming battle...if you can pull them away from the month-long celebration they're having over Oberon's death to make them concentrate on more important matters, that is. And, if that weren't enough army stuff for the day, you've got an award ceremony this evening to honor all the troops who fought in the Battle for Dark City, both living and dead. Though the deads ones'll be getting their awards posthumously, of course."

"And I'm giving something to their families, aren't I?" Mickey asked.

"Yeah, but it won't make up for them losing the poor soldiers who died that day," Goofy said with a sad sniff. "They had sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and parents and cousins and nieces and nephews and spouses who went out with us to the wedding and never came back. No amount of munny or shiny medals can make up for losing a part of your family."

They were quiet for a moment. The uncomfortable silence didn't last long, though, because Goofy, abruptly cheerful again (very little could keep the Knight Captain down for very long) gushed, "But gawrsh! Even though I feel bad about alla the fellers who won't be able to get their honors an' stuff in person, I can't help but feel so darn HAPPY! This is gonna be my Maxie's first combat medal, and PJ's too!"

Mickey smirked. "Well, they certainly earned them. If everything I've heard about the battle in Maleficent's castle is accurate, those two fought harder and killed more Unseelie working on their own than the rest of their squad put together!"

Goofy nodded eagerly. "Yup, those two are the best of friends, a great team! As long as they stick together, nothing Maleficent can throw at 'em will keep 'em down for long!"

Donald smirked and winked at Goofy. "Heh, at that rate, they'll soon be racking up tons of combat medals! Almost as much as his old man, huh?"

"Ha, he'll get more!" Goofy started laughing, but froze in mid-guffaw. An anguished look came to his face. "That is…so long as he doesn't get killed like those other poor boys…"

The trio was quiet for a moment. Mickey bowed his head sadly. "We've got the real thing coming up, fellas. A galactic, maybe intergalactic, war. A lot of families are going to be losing people they care about in the fight to come. We can never forget that."

"But we can't not fight either," Donald pointed out. "Because then even _more_ people will get killed!"

Mickey nodded in agreement. "That's right, Donald. So we've gotta do the best we can to win this thing with as few casualties as possible! It won't be easy, but…we've got to try our best, so that as many of our soldiers can come home when this is over as is possible…and so that all of them will _have_ homes to return to."

Goofy nodded solemnly, lost in thought for a moment at the possibility of his son getting killed in the battles to come. "Yeah…"

They were quiet for another moment. And then Goofy spoke up again. "Yer Majesty…"

Mickey looked at his friend. "Yes, Goofy?"

"Um…" Goofy fidgeted. "You know about that door I told you guys about? The one that blinded Oberon in that weird place the Chasers took us too?"

Mickey hesitated for a moment. "Yeah…"

"Well…I'm no expert, but it looked like it had something big to do with Kingdom Hearts and Keyblades and the Door to Light and all that stuff," Goofy said, somewhat sheepishly. "And it was sealed by this really nasty-looking lock, and Sora looked as if he was almost going to unlock it but stopped for some reason, and…well…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "Since you're a Keybearer and all, and know all sortsa stuff, I was wondering if you knew what the heck it was."

Donald frowned. "Hey yeah, I'd like to know too. And I didn't even get to see the thing, since Oberon had to stick me in that stupid crystal!"

Mickey sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. He looked oddly reluctant to speak for some reason. "Think of our universe as being like…like an onion, fellas."

"An onion?" Donald and Goofy both asked, puzzled.

Mickey nodded. "Yeah, it's got layers."

"Oh, like ogres!" Goofy cried. His friends stared at him. "What? They do."

"Right…anyway, our universe is made of layers. The top layer, the one we live in, is known as the Realm of Light," Mickey explained. "It's got stars and planets and galaxies and stuff full of light and life."

Goofy nodded. "Okay…"

"And the next layer's the in-between realm, right?" Donald guessed. "Where Traverse Town, Twilight Town, and Yen Sid's place are…er…were?"

Mickey's face fell for a moment at the reminder that his teacher was dead. "Yeah…anyway, it's not a very thick layer, so there aren't more than a handful of worlds there. Still some life though. The next layer down is the first we've got to be worried about, though. The Realm of Darkness…"

"And that's where the Heartless live! And the Nobodies! And where Dark City is, right?" Goofy asked.

Mickey nodded. "And other things just as, if not even more, dangerous. There is no light in the Realm of Darkness, not light as we would know it anyway, and so things dark and mysterious and deadly have grown there in the blackened worlds drifting through that void…though not all of them are necessarily evil. Even so, it's still a very dangerous and nasty place, and one misstep can get you killed or your heart swallowed up or something like that." Mickey narrowed his eyes. "But even that darkness is nothing compared to that of the next layer…an even deeper and denser darkness, sealed off from the upper layers and locked behind the Door to Darkness."

Goofy blinked. "You mean the one Ansem—er, Xehanort tried to open?"

Donald rolled his eyes. "Like there's any other!"

"The darkness beyond that door is…well…_dark_ beyond measure. There are Heartless and all sorts of other monsters living there stronger and more horrible than anything you've ever seen before…and I should know, I had to travel around it for a while with Riku," said Mickey with a shudder.

"Hey, how'd you get in there in the first place, Yer Majesty? If the door was sealed and all," Goofy asked.

Donald frowned. "Hey yeah, I was wondering the same thing!"

"Er, that's a story for another day," Mickey said quickly. "Anyway, that darkness is really powerful and almost indestructible, and it hates everything. If it weren't for the seal on the Door to Darkness, the evil power of that realm would spread out and envelop the entire universe in eternal darkness and end all life as we know it."

Now Donald and Goofy shuddered. Mickey smiled abruptly, surprising them. "But, as you should recall from the fight with Xehanort, darkness isn't all that lies behind that door. At the very heart of that deepest darkness is light…the light in the darkness. A sort of inner Realm of Light, one purer and more beautiful than our own. I…saw it during my journey, before meeting Riku. It was…" He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. "I can't really describe it. It's unlike anything you guys have ever seen before. Anyway, what I can tell you is that it's where the Chasers live when they're not out enforcing the laws of the Keyblade or fighting great evils."

"Makes sense," Donald commented. "Nobody'd ever think to look for them there."

"I certainly wouldn't," Goofy agreed.

"Anyway, this Realm of Inner Light is the second-to-last layer. There's one final, even deeper one below that…the core of our existence, of all reality. It's hidden behind theDoor to Light…the very same door you, Sora, and Pete saw when the Chasers arrived to punish Oberon," Mickey explained.

"Gawrsh…" murmured Goofy. "But why's it all chained up like that?"

"Because the Door is sealed, much like the Door to Darkness," Mickey explained. "However, the seal on the Door to Darkness was placed there to keep the darknes within from covering the universe. That would be a bad thing. The seal on the Door to Light, however…was made by a malevolent power a very long time ago, to keep the force that lies behind that door from shining forth and destroying all that is evil."

"It could do that?!" squawked an alarmed Donald.

"What could possibly be that powerful? Unless…" Goofy's eyes widened in astonishment. "Kingdom Hearts?!"

Mickey nodded. "Precisely! The source of all power and knowledge and life in the cosmos, the place where hearts and souls come from and the place they return to. The source of everything and anything there is…"

"…Gawrsh…" whispered Goofy.

Donald frowned. "Wait a minute! If it's the source of everything and has the power to destroy all evil, then why're all the bad guys trying to get it?! It'd destroy them!"

"They don't know Kingdom Hearts's true nature," Mickey explained. "They just know it as an incredible power source. They don't understand, or refuse to believe, that it's _the_ Source and the origin of everything everywhere." Mickey frowned. "And even if they did know…they'd probably be too blinded by greed to care. But the scary thing is…if they actually _could_ get their hands on Kingdom Hearts, get past all the guardians and the Chasers and even the big evil lock on the Door to Light, there's a chance they might actually be able to corrupt it and use its power for evil."

This startled Donald and Goofy quite a bit. "Whaaaat?!" Donald squawked. "That's impossible!"

"Yeah, if it's the Source of all good and stuff, then how can it be used for evil?!" asked an alarmed Goofy.

"I didn't say it was just the source of good, it's the source of _everything_, good and bad," Mickey clarified. "Even so, it's basically good at heart…well, it has to be, since it's THE heart, but you know what I mean. Anyway, the reason it could possibly be used for evil is part of the reason it's stuck behind that door in the first place. The same evil force that sealed Kingdom Hearts behind the Door to Light ages ago severely damaged the Source in a great battle before doing so. Kingdom Hearts has been trying to recover from those wounds ever since, and so is in a weakened condition. It doesn't help that seal on the Door to Light sort of works both ways …it prevents Kingdom Hearts' full power from spreading across the universe and destroying evil, and also keeps any person or force or thing that might be able to heal it from getting in! Hearts and energy are able to slip through cracks in the door in either direction, flowing out to power the universe and returning to their origin when spent, but that's pretty much all they can do. And since Kingdom Hearts is still weak, and nobody can get to it to fix the poor thing, if some evildoer were able to circumvent the seal on the door there's a chance they might be able to take advantage of the Source's weakened state and use it to unleash great catastrophe across all of creation, and maybe cause the end of all life as we know it!"

Donald and Goofy's eyes were wide in astonishment. "Gawrsh," whispered a horrified Goofy. "That would be horrible…"

"How come nobody's been able to open that seal? If those Chaser guys work for Kingdom Hearts, how come they haven't used those big Keyblades of theirs to open the door?!" Donald demanded.

"They can't!" Mickey said sadly. "You see, like I said before, Kingdom Hearts' main power is sealed behind the door, but it can still exert some influence through the tiny cracks in its seal. It used that influence long ago to create the first Keyblades, in hopes that the people who could wield them would be able to unlock the Door to Light, restore Kingdom Hearts, and return balance and light to the universe. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the lock on that door is so strong that no Keyblade in all the eons since the first one was crafted has been able to open it! It was prophesized that a Chosen One would one day be born who would be able to do the deed, however, so Kingdom Hearts has made more and more Keyblades throughout the centuries in hopes that one of them would be the one that could destroy its prison. However, none of them have been able to do so…none, that is, until now."

Donald blinked. "Until now? What's that supposed to mean?"

Goofy gasped. "Sora! He's the One! We hear it all the time, he's the one who's supposed to open the Door to Light!"

Mickey nodded enthusiastically. "That's right! For whatever reason, Sora has been chosen by Fate…by the _Source_…to be the one to open the Door and restore Kingdom Hearts to its full power."

"Then why didn't he do that when he was at the Door just a few weeks ago?" a confused Donald asked.

Mickey shrugged. "That I can't say. Maybe it wasn't the right time, or all the proper elements weren't yet in place. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure myself that what I've just told you is the absolute truth…it's just something I've managed to piece together over the years from bits of stories and old legends and things Yen Sid mentioned occasionally. Still, everything I've seen and done so far in my life would seem to confirm that my idea is on the right track…that, and this gut feeling I get whenever I hold my Keyblade, tells me I'm not too far off from the truth, whatever it may be."

Goofy shrugged, still trying to take in everything Mickey had just revealed to him. "Sounds good enough to me."

"But why was Sora chosen instead of you, Your Majesty?" an upset Donald asked. "I mean, I love Sora as much as everybody else, but…well…you know…"

Mickey shrugged. "For whatever reason, Fate picked him instead of me. I'm not complaining. Heck, to be a little honest, I'm glad _he's_ the one with this responsibility instead of me…considering everything else I have to deal with as King of Disney, I'm not sure I could take on the added weight of being the only person that could save everything that lives or breathes in our universe from potential destruction!" Mickey smiled. "And besides…somehow, I don't think there's anyone who's better for the job than Sora. Can you guys honestly see me, or anyone else, doing it as well as he has so far, and will one day?"

The King's two friends thought about that for a minute. "I guess not," Donald admitted.

"A-hyuck, you're right, nobody'd be able to do it as well as Sora!" Goofy agreed. "Just like nobody else could do yer job better than you, Your Majesty!"

Mickey flushed. "Aw, Goofy…"

Donald checked his watch and squawked in alarm. "Waaaaak! Your Majesty, we need to get moving! We should have been at Duchess Clarabelle's place ten minutes ago!"

"What?!" cried Mickey. "Golly, I got so caught up in talking to you fellas I completely forgot! Quick, we've gotta get there as fast as we can, before she has a cow or something!"

Goofy scratched his head in confusion as his two friends raced off ahead of them. "I thought the Duchess _was_ a cow…hey, wait for me, fellers!"


	17. Tying up Loose Ends, pt 2

Here is the second part of the epilogue to 'A Match Made in Hell.' Glad I could get it up so soon after the first one, so to speak. There will only be one more part after this, mainly because there was so much to do in this part that some of the other things didn't fit. In any event, enjoy this bit, and finally you will get to see how the story has ended for all our friends on Destiny Island. And I'm talking about the main characters too, of course.

…

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that don't belong to me.

…

"Bwahahaha! Yes, yes, that's it, bow to my will, little mind-slaves! Give up your free will and your munny to me and become mindless, obedient consumer drones, willing to buy whatever shoddy merchandise I sell to you just because it's in bulk or on sale! Become loyal shoppers—and underpaid, overworked employees—of VALUMART! Muhuhahahaha!" Sellerax-9, loyal servant and salesmonster of the sinister Lord Valumart and his retail empire, cackled evilly as he brainwashed the helpless inhabitants of planet Flibber with the hypno-screen making up his stomach. "You cannot resist! Praise the profit!"

"Praise the profit," the hypnotized Flibberites droned as they began marching like zombies towards the giant spaceship/store Sellerax-9 had come in, crushing the city's capitol building in the process. Like all salesmonster ships utilized by the Valumart corporation, upon landing the vessel had sent cables burrowing deep into the planet's crust to leach power from geothermal lines, drain energy away from the planet's other power supplies, and subvert all ground lines while overtaking the airwaves to put out subliminal messaging coercing the planet's inhabitants to come shop at the new superstore that had opened up in the middle of town. The exotic (and expensive) products were literally out of this world, and all they would cost the people were their munny and their freedom. Once every Flibberite had been brainwashed into spending all their munny on merchandise they didn't even need, they would be put to work in the store to pay off the debts they had racked up, effectively turning the entire planet into just another branch of the Valumart corporation.

And the salesmonster Sellerax-9 would get a big bonus, of course.

However, the chances of him receiving extra pay and maybe a free vacation for enslaving the entire planet were drastically reduced when, from out of nowhere, a giant robot warrior clad in golden armor with a pompom on its head descended from the skies, the sun gleaming off of its armor and distracting the brainwashed consumer zombies with its shininess. "HALT, VILLAIN!" the robot boomed. "PEOPLE OF FLIBBER, DO NOT BE SO HASTY TO THROW YOUR MUNNY AND YOUR LIVES AWAY! I, MOOGLETRON SUPREME OF THE TRADE FEDERATION, HAVE COME TO LIBERATE YOU!'

"No! It's Moogletron, robot champion of the Trade Federation, Valumart's sworn nemesis!" Sellerax-9 cried in horror. "There's no way I can defeat him! But wait…if I do, I might get a promotion and a corner office! No, I most certainly MUST fight him, in the name of Lord Valumart! Praise the profit!"

"WHO IS HE TALKING TO?" a puzzled Moogletron Supreme asked his pilots.

"Kupo! That's a dramatic self-directed monologue, cheesy villains do them all the time. Cheesy heroes, too," Mene explained.

"Be careful not to turn into one of those yourself, lad!" Ivan warned the robot.

"THANK YOU, I WILL TRY NOT TO," Moogletron Supreme replied.

"I will destroy you Moogletron, and claim prestige and a pay raise!" Sellerax-9 proclaimed. "And I shall begin by turning the very people you have come to save against you! Go, Flibberites! Attack Moogletron!"

"Yes, master," the brainwashed Flibberites moaned, turning and shambling en masse towards the alarmed Moogletron Supreme.

"CURSE YOU, SALESMONSTER…YOU KNOW IT IS NOT IN MY PROGRAMMING TO HARM INNOCENT BEINGS!" the giant mech said, enraged.

"Kupo, let's try reasoning with them," Mog suggested. "Break them out of that hypnosis! Then they'll be on our side, kupo!"

"Uhhh auuuoohhh uhuhuhuh oooooooauuuu?" (But how?) Umaro bellowed.

"…" suggested Frailea.

Ivan gasped. "That's brilliant, lass! Did ye get that, Moogletron?"

"I DID INDEED, FRIEND IVAN. I DID INDEED. INITIATING SALES PITCH NO. 7!" Moogletron Supreme cleared his throat. Well, not like he had a throat, but, you know. He then began to speak to the approaching Flibberites, projecting charisma and honesty. "GOOD PEOPLE OF FLIBBER, WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS SALESMONSTER? SURELY YOU HAVE BETTER SENSE THAN TO PURCHASE ANYTHING FROM VALUMART! ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT DOING SO WILL GIVE YOUR LIVES AND ALL YOUR MUNNY TO THE CORPORATION, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT ALL ITS PRODUCTS WERE MADE BY SLAVE LABOR ON FOURTH-WORLD PLANETS IN SWEATSHOPS WITH GRUELING AND INHUMANE CONDITIONS?"

That caused the Flibberites to hesitate for a moment in their tracks. They may have been mindless consumer drones, but no customer likes to hear that the items they bought were made by slave labor, it makes them feel very uncomfortable. Seeing this, Sellerax-9 quickly intervened. "Ha! He's lying! Our slaves—I mean, factory workers enjoy plenty of pay, get three meals a day, and are able to support their families and keep their homes intact in a faltering economy!"

"NO, YOU ARE THE LIAR, SALESMONSTER!" Moogletron argued, before the Flibberites could fall back completely into Sellerax-9's sway. "I HAVE BEEN TO YOUR FACTORIES AND SEEN THE CONDITIONS OF YOUR WORKERS! THE PAY THEY RECEIVE IS A MERE PITTANCE COMPARED TO THE WHOLESALE PRICES OF THE PRODUCTS THEY MAKE FOR YOUR CORPORATION! AND RATHER THAN THREE MEALS A DAY, ALL THEY GET IS TWO, BOTH OF THEM CHEAP IMITATION GRUEL! AND AS FOR THEIR HOMES, YOU DEMOLISHED THEIR DWELLINGS AND HOLD THEIR FAMILIES HOSTAGE IN HELLISH PRISONS TO FORCE THEM TO WORK, AND CRAM YOUR SLAVES IN HEAVILY-GUARDED CONCENTRATION CAMPS WHEN THEY ARE NOT WORKING, STUFFING FIFTY WORKERS INTO A SPACE MEANT FOR _FIFTEEN,_ AND ONLY ALLOWING THEM FOUR HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT SO YOU CAN EXTORT MORE LABOR FROM THEM!" Moogletron Supreme glared at Sellerax-9 as the confused Flibberites started blinking sleepily, alarmed looks on their faces as the robot's words penetrated their hypnosis-numbed minds. "AND DID I MENTION WHAT THEY DO WITH THE BODIES OF THE WORKERS WHEN THEY DIE OF EXHAUSTION OR TOO MANY BEATINGS? DO YOU _REALLY_ WISH TO KNOW THE SECRET INGREDIENT OF THE FAMOUS VALUMART VALU-MEAL?"

Sellerax-9 gasped in horror. "What?! How could you know that?! The secret ingredient is one of our most carefully guarded secr…er….he's lying! LYING!" the salesmonster said quickly, laughing nervously. "And besides, even if our products _were_ made by slave labor (which they're not!), you can't argue that they're the best around! Where else can you get twelve-packs of ultra-soft toilet paper, big boxes with three to six bags of cereal or other snacky goodness inside, boxed DVDs of your favorite obscure cancelled or forgotten television shows, the best computer games, entertainment systems, hovercycles, _spaceships…_and at such low, low prices that can't be beat!" The salesmonster grinned, knowing he was winning back his 'customers', no shopper could possibly resist the allure of low prices!

"THE PRICES MAY BE LOW," Moogletron Supreme admitted. "BUT AT THE COST OF QUALITY! VALUMART INTENTIONALLY PUTS DEFECTS IN ITS PRODUCTS SO THAT WHEN THEY INEVITABLY BREAK DOWN, YOU'LL BE FORCED TO GO BACK TO THEIR STORE TO BUY REPLACEMENTS AND PLACE YOURSELF FURTHER UNDER THEIR CONTROL! OH, AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THEIR 'RETURNS' POLICY…BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH THING, JUST A DARK, DANK BASEMENT WHERE YOU HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE FOR HOURS AND HOURS WITH THE ITEM YOU WANT TO GIVE BACK, ONLY TO FIND OUT, WHEN YOU _FINALLY_ GET TO THE END OF IT, THAT THE STORE ACCEPTS NO RETURNS WHATSOEVER, NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES. IT'S ALL JUST AN INSIDIOUS PLOT TO DRAIN YOUR LIFE FORCE BY MAKING YOU WAIT IN LINE FOR HOURS SO THAT THEY CAN BOTTLE IT AND SELL IT BACK TO YOU AT INFLATED PRICES!" There were many gasps from the Flibberites as this information snapped them further out of their trance. After all, nobody liked waiting in long lines for ages and ages for no reason.

"Wh-what?! Er, I mean, that's not true!" Sellerax-9 said quickly. "All of our products can be returned! The only reason they can't be was if you violate the warranty!"

"WHICH IS WRITTEN IN MICROSCOPIC ILLEGIBLE PRINT ON A BOTTOM CORNER OF THE PRODUCT, WHERE THEY WOULD NEVER NOTICE IT!" Moogletron Supreme countered.

Sellerax-9 was stunned. "How—how can you know these things?! They're some of the most secret, uh, secrets of the Valumart corporation!"

"WE RECENTLY MANAGED TO 'PERSUADE' A FEW OF YOUR MIDDLE MANAGERS TO DEFECT TO THE TRADE FEDERATION," Moogletron replied.

"They were _very_ willing to tell us everything they knew, kupo," Mog said with an evil cackle.

"Aye, especially when we bribed them with exorbitant sums of munny and offered to free their families!" Ivan added.

"…That sort of goes without saying," Mene said.

"It does? Oh. Sorry, lad. Just didn't want anyone to think we'd kidnapped and tortured them into giving up their secrets," Ivan said apologetically.

"Damn! Well…" Sellerax-9 thought quickly. "Yes, our products may be made using slave labor, and our cheap prices, shoddily-made products, and subliminal messages will force the people of this planet to be forever in servitude to us…BUT if the Flibberites choose to buy our products, they'll get free T-shirts, and for one week only to commemorate the grand opening of the Flibber branch of Valumart, everything in the store will be twenty-five percent off!"

"Mmm…sales…" the Flibberites drooled, fully enthralled to the salesmonster's hypnosis once again. They started shuffling back in the direction of the spaceship/store.

"By me grandfather's beard, he's seducing them with store-wide sales! No mortal man can possibly resist such an allure!" Ivan cried.

"There's only one way to fight such insidious evil, kupo…and that's with a better counteroffer! Moogletron, let us take over from here, we've all had tons of training and experience in haggling and delivering bargain deals, kupo!" Mog said.

"VERY WELL…I TRUST IN YOUR SKILLS, MY FRIENDS," Moogletron Supreme acknowledged.

Mog activated the external speakers on the giant robot. "Hey, Teletubby rip-off! Is that the best deal you can offer, kupo? Free T-shirts and a one-week twenty-five percent sale are pretty nice, kupo, but can it beat...a _thirty _percent sale on all Trade Federation merchandise, plus a raffle for not one, not two, but _three_ Gummi ships, at fair odds? Kupooo!" Moogletron punched the air in the direction of Sellerax-9.

"Ooohhh…thirty percent," the Flibberites droned, turning away from the Valumart ship.

The salesmonster recoiled as if he had been physically struck. "Thirty percent?! Ha! Is that it? That's nothing! If the Flibberites come to Valumart, they'll get a _forty-five_ percent sale on everything in the store…PLUS a prize drawing for an all-expenses paid cruise around the galaxy on the Valumart Corporation's luxury liner, the _Cheating Scoundrel!_ And to make it even fairer, ONE HUNDRED free tickets will be available, so there's an even better chance that the average shopper can win! Hyah!" He kicked at the air.

"Mmm…free vacation…" the Flibberites turned back towards Sellerax-9.

Moogletron Supreme shook and almost toppled over. "Unh! Kupopo, that's a pretty good deal!" an alarmed Mog cried.

"Maybe so, but we can do better, kupo!" Mene said determinedly. "A galactic cruise on your ratty old ship might be nice, kupo…but can it beat a FIFTY percent off sale, plus a new Federation-owned Chocobo ranch and racetrack on planet Flibber so that all the Flibberites can enjoy the wonder and the privilege that is being partnered with your very own Chocobo and watching them run to earn you munny, all at affordable prices? Kupo!"

"Kwehkwehkweh!" Boco agreed. Moogletron gave a one-two punch and performed a roundhouse kick at thin air.

"Yay, Chocobos!" the Flibberites cheered, switching sides again. A few started singing the Chcobo song.

"Ughhaaahhh!" moaned Sellerax-9, his head twisting back on his neck and saliva falling from his mouth. "Crap, not Chocobos! And fifty percent?! What're they, crazy?! Looks like I'll have to pull out the big guns…" He cleared his throat. "Hey! Valumart can match that with a SIXTY percent discount on everything, in addition to limited-edition action figures of Lord Valumart with all his accoutrements, retinue, vehicles, armor, and weaponry!" He thrusted his fist forward dramatically.

"Rare action figures…" the Flibberites drooled, advancing towards the store again.

"URF!" Moogletron Supreme bent over double, clutching his chest in pain.

"Not limited-edition action figures!" wailed Mene as Boco ran around the cockpit squawking his head off.

Ivan laughed. "Ha, that's nothing, lad! Let the bastard get a load of this: a seventy-five percent discount on all Federation goods for TWO weeks, plus complete sets of the Trade Federation Soldiers action figure line—far superior to the toys that egotist Valumart makes of himself, and less toxic or likely to put someone's eye out—all of them with internal motors granting them motion, a limited AI chip and voice modulator granting them speech and crude intelligence, full sets of posable and interchangeable armor…and, of course, the ever-popular and oh-so controversial discontinued Viera Jungle Amazon sets with ridiculously scanty clothing and unbelievable (but one-hundred percent accurate) proportions! No wee child, adolescent, nay, not even a full-grown man can possibly turn down such beauty and craftsmanship! BUT, they'll only be available on a first-come first-serve basis, and only on the first few days of our outlet's grand opening, so ye'll have to get them while they're still available! Heh, let's see them resist THAT!"

"I certainly wouldn't, kupo!" Mog commented.

"Uhhhhhhhhhh," (Va-va-voom!) Umaro wolf-whistled as Moogletron Supreme did a pelvic thrust.

There were some more wolf-whistles and quite a lot of drooling as the Flibberites turned (again) towards Moogletron. All of them were attracted to the thought of owning copies of the legendary discontinued Viera toy line; the women because Viera were seen as a sign of female empowerment throughout the galaxy, and the men because…well, you know why. Sellerax-9 drooled briefly at the thought, too, before staggering backwards while flailing his arms about as if he had just been physically shoved. "Uhhhh! Impossible! How can they even think of giving away such rare and valuable goods at such low prices?! It's unthinkable! They're insane! But I'll have to do them one better and offer even BETTER bargains if I'm going to conquer this planet and get a commission and corner office!" Thinking quickly, he made his ultimate offer. "Not so fast, folks! If you sell your lives, your souls, and your firstborn to Valumart, we'll have an EIGHTY percent discount on everything in the store and an eighty-FIVE percent discount on all clothing and undergarments, along with a chance at all those other goodies I mentioned before, PLUS an opportunity for EVERYONE to date the hottest interstellar pop star of their choice for the sake of charity! Oh, and we'll also throw in some free comic books and video games, while we're at it. Hoowah!" He did an uppercut at the air.

The Flibberites cheered and randomly shouted the names of their favorite celebrities (who, little did they know, they would have almost no chance of dating) and surged en masse towards the superstore. Moogletron Supreme cried out in pain and was flung backwards, landing hard on his back and knocking over several buildings. He lay there for a moment, groaning as his extremities twitched.

"Kupopo…eighty percent?! A date with a celebrity?! We can't compete with that! We can't win, kupo!" wailed Mene.

"Uhhhooohhuuoooaaaahhhooo," (Is this truly the end? Has Valumart finally won?) wailed a despondent Umaro.

"We tried our best…but he just kept giving better and better offers! Lads, I'm afraid we've failed planet Flibber and the Federation…" Ivan said unhappily.

"Kupoooooo," Mog moaned unhappily

"…" suggested Frailea.

Everyone gasped and stared at the Cactuar. "That's madness, lass!" Ivan cried. "Ye can't be serious!"

"Could the Federation even _afford_ to do something like that?" Mog asked.

Umaro checked some figures on his calculation. "Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!" (Yes…yes, it can!) he howled triumphantly.

"Kupo, that's brilliant, Frailea!" Mene cheered happily.

"Kwehkwehkwehkweh!" Boco agreed.

"Okay…give it a try, kupo!" Mog commanded the Cactuar, who nodded and took control of the robot's speakers as Moogletron Supreme got back to his feet.

"…" Frailea said, addressing the population of Flibber. Moogletron struck a valiant pose.

There was a moment of silence. The Flibberites stared at the giant robot in disbelief. Sellerax-9's jaw dropped, stunned. And then…

With a great cheer, the Flibberites turned away from the Valumart superstore as one and charged towards Moogletron Supreme, screaming with joy and tears streaming down their cheeks, the salesmonster's control over them completely broken. "HAIL THE TRADE FEDERATION! HAIL THE TRADE FEDERATION!" they sang.

"NOOOOOOO!" Sellerax-9 howled, clutching his head as his eyes bulged from their sockets and blood gushed from his nose and ears. "FOR ONE WEEK ONLY, EVERYTHING IS _FREE?!_ PLUS, EVERYONE GETS A COMPLETE BOXED SET OF ALL TWENTY SEASONS OF THE SUPER-AWESOME MOOGLETRON TELEVISION SHOW, INCLUDING TONS OF BONUS CONTENT LIKE DIRECTOR COMMENTARY, INTERVIEWS WITH THE TEAM, THE FULL SPECS OF MOOGLETRON, AND ALL THE 'LOST' EPISODES?! I CAN'T POSSIBLY BEAT A BARGAIN DEAL LIKE THAT!! GYAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!" He exploded spontaneously.

"Guess he won't be collecting his pension now!" Mene quipped. "Not that Valumart offers much of one, anyway…"

"Kwehkwehkwehkweh!" Boco chirped.

"Aye, we certainly did a good job here, lads…saved a whole planet from the evil Valumart, and gained new customers for the Trade Federation! We should get a bonus for this!" said Ivan proudly.

"Uh uhhoouuaaaho huhuhuh ooooooouououou," (Though they'll probably take the expenses for all that stuff we offered out of our paychecks…) Umaro whined.

"Oh no…do you think they would?!" asked an alarmed Mene.

"Well, we _did_ go a little overboard, kupo…" Mog admitted.

"…"

"Kupo! You're right, Frailea, it was worth it to save those poor Flibberites! Now instead of being mindless consumer zombies to Valumart, they can be free-willed consumers for the Trade Federation instead, kupo!" Mog agreed.

"…ER…WE _ARE_ THE GOOD GUYS, RIGHT?" Moogletron Supreme asked uncertainly, looking uncomfortably down at the cheering throngs around his feet..

The team was startled to hear their giant robot doubting their cause. "Of course we are, kupo!" Mog assured Moogletron.

"Aye, we don't use any of those nasty underhanded practices ye talked about earlier to make people build or buy products," Ivan pointed out. "Plus, our prices and pay are always fair, and we don't use any subliminal messaging to get people to buy our goods! Well, not _much_, anyway…"

"I SUPPOSE THAT'S TRUE," Moogletron admitted. "I GUESS I'M JUST NOT USED TO BEING A WARRIOR FOR PAY RATHER THAN A CHAMPION FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM. I MEAN, I'M DOING THAT TOO, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE I'M JUST LIBERATING THE PLANETS WE SAVE SO THEY CAN BECOME CUSTOMERS OF THE TRADE FEDERATION."

"Duuuuuuuuhhhhhh," (Well, duh, that's capitalism!) Umaro pointed out, rolling his eyes.

"…" said Frailea.

Moogletron Supreme brightened at that. "HMM…I SUPPOSE YOU ARE RIGHT, FRAILEA. BETTER US THAN VALUMART…AND AT LEAST WE BENEFIT THE PLANET'S ECONOMY, OFFERING THE PEOPLE JOBS, BETTER LIVING, AND A CHANCE TO TRAVEL TO THE STARS. VERY WELL!" Moogletron drew his sword and raised it in the air. "MY FAITH IN OUR CAUSE IS REASSURED! I SHALL CONTINUE TO FIGHT…IN THE NAME OF THE TRADE FEDERATION!"

"In the name of the Trade Federation!" the robot's pilots chorused.

"Whoooooo! Free stuff, free stuuuuufffff!" the Flibberites cheered.

Meanwhile in orbit, aboard the Trade Federation mothership that had brought Moogletron to the beleaguered planet of Flibber, Clan Leader Montblanc turned away from the monitor showing the triumphant Moogletron Supreme destroying what was left of Sellerax-9's ship, much to the joy of the ecstatic Flibberites, who were now all sworn Moogletron fans for life. "Well, I'd say that went fairly well, kupo. All in all, it was a good mission, right?"

"Kweh," snorted the obese Don Chocobo, crossing his wings and sagging back in his oversized throne.

Montblanc shrugged. "All right, I guess they could've taken less damage and won the Flibberites over without offering them such a costly bargain, kupo…but still, they got the job done, and the big lug seems to have lost his lingering doubts in what we do, so that's good, right?"

Don Chocobo frowned. "Kwehkweh kweh kweh kwehkwehkwehkweh."

Montblanc stroked his chin. "Hmm…youse think Moogletron may get doubts again? Well, we'll just have to…convince him that we're the right side to be on if that gets to be a problem, kupo. I think a supply mission to one of the planets still trying to recover from Valumart sweeping over it then leaving abruptly when it was no longer profitable to be there, leaving the world's economy and way of life in shambles, might do the trick…kupo. I'll schedule the trip right away, sir."

The Don nodded in agreement. "Kweh!" He looked pleased for a moment, and then frowned at his subordinate. "Kwehkweh! Kweh kweh kwehkwehkweh kweh!"

Montblanc looked startled. "What?! Of course you're invited to my wedding, kupo! I'd be an idiot not to have the big boss attend…"

"Kupo! What was that?! You're getting married?!" cried a startled Commodore Stiltzkin.

Montlbanc suddenly found himself under the scrutiny of every Moogle on the bridge, including the females, who were starting to look pretty angry. The Clan Leader began to sweat. "Uhhh…kupopo…this isn't good…"

"You're getting married?!" demanded Mogrika. "To whom, kupo?!"

Montblanc fidgeted. "Um…well…kupo…"

"Don't tell us it's that slut Commander Shara!" Suzuna snarled.

Montblanc swallowed. "Um…okay, I won't, kupo."

There was a long pause. And then… "KUPOOOOOOOO!" all the females on the bridge shrieked, pulling out their weapons and charging at Montblanc. He shrieked and ran out of the room as fast as he could, a mob of bloodthirsty female Moogles on his tail. Everyone else on the bridge stared incredulously after him.

"Kweh," the Don said finally, shaking his head in wonderment.

"Kupo! Clan Leader Montblanc sure is lucky, huh big brother?" Moggy remarked to his brother.

"He certainly is, Moggy, he certainly is," Mogster agreed.

"I hope those gals tear him limb from limb, kupo," said Moggy.

Mogster nodded. "As do I, Moggy, as do I…kupo."

…

"So…Goliath, there was something you wanted to speak to me about?" Merlin asked the Gargoyle.

Goliath fidgeted in the too-small chair Merlin had given him. He felt rather out of place in the wizard's study, full of strange whirring gadgets and bubbling chemicals and strange glittering crystals and that _accursed_ owl that always sat there, staring at him as if it could see into his soul. (He knew it couldn't, it just liked acting like it could to scare the shit out of people.) The great number of books lining the magician's walls was somewhat reassuring; Merlin was an even more avid reader than Goliath himself. That, and the occasional philosophical debates the two engaged in, helped Goliath feel somewhat closer to the ageless wizard and made it easier to think of him as a friend. (It had also helped that Merlin had managed to awaken his daughter Angela from her coma, just as he had promised.)

That didn't make the favor he was about to ask the wizard for any less awkward. "Ah…" He sighed. Cleared his throat. Coughed. Cleared his throat again. Glared at the owl, who kept staring at him. Grimaced, and finally started. "Well, Merlin, it's…sort of like this. You know how I and a certain friend of mine…"

"Elisa Maza," the owl said in a bored tone of voice.

Goliath glared at the owl. Merlin shushed the bird and gestured for Goliath to continue. With a grunt, he did just that. "Right. Elisa and I have been…together for a while now. And both of us, at one point or another, have brought up the possibility of…well…" He fidgeted some more. "Starting a family."

Merlin's eyebrows raised. The owl snickered. "You are thinking of having a child?"

"Yes," Goliath said, somewhat embarrassed.

Merlin frowned. "I thought it was Gargoyle custom for any child to be raised by the clan, not one specific person."

"Yes, well, Elisa's not a Gargoyle," Goliath said flatly. "And aside from that…well…I've gotten somewhat used to being a 'parent' thanks to Angela. But…I missed so much of her life up till when I first met her on Avalon. I wasn't there for her childhood or her developmental years, and I'm rather upset with myself for missing out on that. I don't think I would mind terribly experiencing raising a child from the very beginning. It would be…something new. Elisa has expressed similar desires, though, since humans usually do that anyway, it's not as surprising for her as it might be for me."

"I see…" Merlin murmured, nodding to himself.

"So what's the big deal? Couldn't you just adopt? There's plenty of human babies and Gargoyle eggs about these days," the owl said snidely, causing Goliath to snarl at it.

After Merlin shushed the owl again, Goliath continued. "We've discussed adoption, and while it's a strong possibility, we'd rather have something that comes from…the both of us. Something that's really ours. But, since human and Gargoyle anatomy is not exactly…compatible, I thought…"

"That perhaps I could help you?" Merlin finished.

Goliath nodded. "Essentially, yes."

Merlin frowned and leaned back in his chair. "Not that I'm not flattered that you came to me for advice, Goliath, but…don't you think cloning would be a whole lot easier than using magical means to acquire a child for Elisa and yourself?"

Goliath tensed visibly. "No! I mean…" He grimaced and seemed to collapse on himself a little. "We…both of us have had enough of cloning for several lifetimes."

Merlin could sense there was a rather painful story behind this, but did not press his friend on it. Instead he said, "Well, if you were looking for a more magical means of producing a child, you've come to the right place. However, there are several variables that must be considered. First of all…what species do you want the child to be? Human with a little Gargoyle, Gargoyle with a little human, or a hybrid of the two?"

"I think we would prefer to have a child that is either pure or mostly human or pure or mostly Gargoyle," Goliath said. "That is not to say we disapprove of any kind of hybridization…seeing as how other people are experimenting with it and all…but we would prefer our child to be of one species. It would help him or her identify with his or her own kind, and cut down on the amount of discrimination he or she might receive while growing up."

"The kid'll still be picked on anyway, considering it'll be a freak of nature no matter what species it is," the owl grumbled, causing Goliath to growl and his eyes to flash as he nearly lunged out of his chair at the accursed bird.

Merlin quieted the owl and calmed down Goliath before anyone could get hurt, then continued. "Well, making the child mainly human or mainly Gargoyle simplifies things greatly, but there's still the issue of which species you want it to be in the end…and then, of course, there's the method by which it will be created. Would you prefer it be born naturally, or through alchemical means?" He frowned. "Then again, you've already expressed a distaste in your child being created through cloning, so perhaps alchemy is out…the processes are not too dissimilar in that regard."

Goliath was puzzled. "Naturally? I thought this would be done using magic."

"Oh, it would be. Allow me to explain. By 'naturally' I meant that the child would be born from Elisa's womb in the usual manner…though how it got there would vary," Merlin elaborated. "The simplest way would be to temporarily change one of your species—so that you are a human, or she is a Gargoyle—and then for you to, ahem, procreate and impregnate her. She would then experience the pregnancy for the full term and give birth to it in the usual amount of time. You would then have a healthy child born through perfectly natural means, with just a little bit of magical assistance on the side."

"Yeah, completely natural," the owl said sarcastically.

Goliath frowned. "Change…species? Well…Elisa and I have both, ah, experienced that at one time or another…hrrmm. I'm not certain whether we'd like to repeat that process." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Perhaps I should discuss this more with Elisa…or bring her here to talk to you. It would probably be better for the both of us to make this decision together than for just one of us to work out all the details."

"You think?" the owl said, rolling its large eyes.

"Archimedes, do be quiet," Merlin said with an exasperated sigh.

"Make me," Archimedes challenged.

Merlin did. He pointed at the owl and a beam of magic shot from his fingertip, striking the avian and abruptly causing duct tape to wrap around his beak and seal it shut. Archimedes frantically flapped and clawed at the tape, angrily mumbling and cursing through his beak as he tried to remove the offending object obstructing his speech. "Anyway…yes, it probably would be a better idea if you and Elisa both talked to me together before making this decision, it's too important for either of you to make on your own. But when you see her after we are done speaking, you can at least assure her that there _are_ ways in which the problem of the species barrier can be overcome, and I know many of them. The only limit is your own preference." He looked thoughtful. "You said you aren't sure either of you would be happy with species change…what about a gender change, then?"

Goliath started. "A-a gender change?!"

Merlin nodded. "Yes, so you will be the one to bear the child instead of her. Hmm…on second thought, that wouldn't really solve the problem, you'd still need to change species to make it work…we'll have to try something else…"

Goliath coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, perhaps we were a little too quick to dismiss alchemy…perhaps you could tell me a little more about that?"

Merlin smiled, and Archimedes almost choked trying to laugh with tape covering his beak. Merlin opened his mouth and prepared to answer…

When suddenly the voice of Griff, a British Gargoyle and King Arthur's champion, echoed through Merlin's magical study, transmitted through the castle's intercom system. "Merlin, Goliath, there's been an emergency. We need you in the infirmary as soon as possible."

The wizard and Gargoyle rose to their feet at once. "What is it, Griff? What's the emergency?" asked Goliath, immediately preparing himself for battle.

"Titania."

Merlin and Goliath's eyes widened in astonishment. "Titania," Merlin repeated slowly. "As in Lady Titania, the late Oberon's wife, who was unaccounted for and presumed dead after Satan's legions burned Avalon to the ground?"

"The very same. But while she quite clearly is _not_ dead, she might not be that way for much longer if you don't get down here immediately," Griff said ominously.

"Let's go," said Goliath, tapping a button on his belt and activating his nanite-constructed iron armor.

Merlin raised an eyebrow. "You think she might be hostile?"

"She's been missing for many weeks. The last we had heard of her, Satan had taken her to Hell personally. Who knows what's happened to her since then?" Goliath replied.

Merlin sighed and shook his head. "I think we will find out soon enough." He immediately teleported both of them out of the study, leaving a rather miffed—and still gagged—Archimedes behind.

The wizard and the Gargoyle arrived mere moments later in a swirl of magic in the high-tech infirmary of Arthur's castle, where they were immediately taken aback by the screaming woman that it was taking at least a dozen of the toughest soldiers and orderlies in the castle to restrain on a hospital bed. The shrieking, white-eyed, heavily disfigured green-skinned woman bore very little resemblance to the regal and almost imperious woman that both Goliath and Merlin had recalled as Lady Titania, wife of the mighty Lord Oberon. Her body was incredibly malnourished, the bones almost jutting out of her flesh, which was covered almost completely in grotesque scars and burns and oozing sores. Her pink hair was almost completely gone and reduced to a scraggly blackened growth barely clinging to her scalp. Her lovely features had become haggard and craggy and aged far beyond the youthful face she had used to bear to the world. She was convulsing and drooling and thrashing about with all her might and constantly flinging off the orderlies, nurses and guards trying to restrain her to keep her from hurting herself or anyone else. Quite a few of Arthur's most elite knights had already drawn steel (or iron) and were warily eyeing the wailing Lady Titania, just waiting for an excuse to use it and put the poor wretch out of her misery.

"Griff! Your Majesty! What is going on here?!" Goliath demanded as he and Merlin marched over to Arthur and Griff, the humanoid griffin Gargoyle who was very rarely far from his King's side. "What has…what _is_ happening to her?!"

Arthur sighed and pushed back some hair from his face. "We were hoping you could tell us that, actually."

"She just appeared out of nowhere in the middle of His Majesty's audience chamber—somehow bypassing every single one of our alarms and wards in the process—and started to ask the King for help before _screaming_ like a banshee and collapsing to the ground in convulsions. We barely managed to get her in here without killing the people trying to carry her in the first place!" Griff shook his head in admiration. "For someone who looks like she's been to Hell and back and got the worst of it, she's still got a surprising amount of strength left in her!"

"I'm not surprised," an alarmed Merlin said, adjusting his glasses. "She's pregnant. And about to deliver."

"Pregnant?!" everyone cried in astonishment.

"Then we'll need more doctors," King Arthur said. "Quickly! Get-"

"I don't think that would be a good idea, my liege," Merlin interrupted. "She does not carry any ordinary infant. Demon eggs have been planted in her womb, and they are starting to hatch. Once they awaken completely, they will tear her body apart and destroy New Camelot."

Immediately, everyone stepped back from the thrashing and screaming Titania. Griff and the other soldiers started forward. "Then there's only one thing to do now," the Gargoyle snarled.

Merlin rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Must you always resort to violence? No, there is a better way." Pushing Griff back, he went to Titania's side and put a hand on her stomach.

"Wait, what are you doing?" a doctor cried.

"I'm about to perform an abortion," Merlin announced.

"But that's immoral!" the doctor protested.

Everyone stared at him incredulously. "More immoral than allowing an army of demons to burst forth from her body and kill us all?!" Goliath demanded.

The doctor flushed sheepishly. "Er, right. Sorry. Kneejerk reaction."

Merlin closed his eyes and muttered an incantation under his breath, then released a wave of magic into Titania's body that shook the room and caused her chest to surge upward for one brief moment, eyes wide in pain and mouth gaping open in agony…before collapsing back to her bed, looking spent and, oddly enough, somewhat relieved. "There," Merlin announced to everyone. "They're dead. But Titania might go the same way soon enough if she isn't given treatment immediately."

And that's exactly what she got. Half an hour later, after they got Titania hooked up to at least a dozen life-support machines, pumped several gallons' worth of vitamins, medicines, and potions into her, and cast a few recovery charms, Oberon's former bride was already looking a healthier shade of green and capable of coherent speech. "Merlin…I can never thank you enough for what you have done for me," she breathed, her voice somewhat muffled by the air mask strapped over her face. "You and all the others here have saved my life. Thank you very much."

"It was no trouble, my Lady," Merlin said.

"And it wouldn't be very hospitable of us not to help you, now would it?" Arthur asked with a winning smile.

"Despite the fact that she's the wife of the psychopath who didn't lift a finger to help us against the Heartless and almost destroyed the galaxy…" Griff muttered under his breath. They ignored him.

"Lady Titania, please…how did you get into such a horrible condition?" Goliath asked.

Titania's heartbeat, visible on a nearby monitor, spiked, and she dug her jagged and broken nails into the blanket draped over her. "Oberon," she snarled. "It is all his fault."

The others were startled by this. "Oberon?" asked a puzzled Arthur. "But I thought Satan-"

"Satan was the one who attacked my home, killed my people, and did…_this_ to me," Titania admitted. "But it would never have happened if my husband had not been afflicted by the same madness which took his mother and twisted him into…into…"

"Into a power-mad dictator bent on killing all mortals and absorbing all magic in the universe?" Griff offered helpfully. The others glared at him. "What? It's true, he did!"

Titania squeezed her eyes shut, face twisted in hate. "After he enacted his mad plan and crashed Maleficent and Pete's wedding ceremony, using a powerful banishing spell to remove Satan and his retinue from the affair, the legions of Hell brought their retribution down on Avalon. We…we didn't stand a chance." She started to cry. "Always, we had thought ourselves superior, invincible, that no foe could possibly stand against the full might of the Third Race. On that darkest of days, we realized we were wrong. The demonic hordes tore across the landscape, killing everything in their path and reducing the island to a smoldering wasteland. My friends and family, people I had known and cared for for countless millennia, were brutally tortured and killed. Satan himself came for me and dragged me back to Hell, where I suffered indignities and tortures of which I dare not speak…it is far too painful." She bowed her head in despair, bitter tears flowing down her cheeks. Everyone, even Griff and the other guards stationed around the room, could not help but feel some measure of pity for her.

"How did you escape?" Arthur asked quietly.

Titania shook her head in despair. "I did not. After Satan violently murdered my husband…playing back footage of the whole thing for me, naturally…he let me and the few living members of my people go, saying that we could wander the universe forever for all he cared, so long as we never crossed his path again. And that did indeed seem to be our fate…for we have spent the last few weeks since that day, traveling throughout the cosmos, seeking a haven where we might finally rest…only to be turned away at every doorstep." She gritted her teeth angrily. "We visited some of our oldest and dearest friends, who have been staunch allies of my people for centuries…and all of them turned us away. Not even Lady Galadriel of the Galadhrim, whom I have known almost since the day I was born, would not tolerate our presence in her forest. They were all outraged at what my husband had done to them in his madness, unable to distinguish (or even care) between friend and foe, and blamed us for not being able to stop him…ha! As if we could have. He was always the strongest of us." She paused, a bitter snarl on her face, before her features softened somewhat. "But I suppose that they may have also spurned us out of fear for their own safety…Satan had all but obliterated the Third Race, save for we few, and were terrified that if they were to shelter us they might suffer the same fate. In retrospect, considering that I almost gave birth to a horde of demons in your own court, young Arthur, I suppose their fears must have been justified."

"I wouldn't be surprised if Satan had hoped that you would come here, and rigged the offspring within you to birth the instant you set foot in New Camelot," Merlin speculated. "Satan would dearly love to see a shining civilization like the one Arthur has just founded collapse, just as much as he thrilled in the destruction of the original Camelot."

"I do not intend to let the same fate that my old kingdom suffered happen again on this new world," Arthur said sternly. "I will do everything in my power to prevent it."

"And we will do everything in our power to help you," Goliath promised. Griff nodded in agreement.

"It makes sense that Satan would have concocted such a plot," Titania admitted. "Seeing as how he must have known that I would have come here eventually, since this world is the last one I might have possibly called home, where my last few children still lived. Speaking of which, where…"

"We called them the instant you showed up and needed to be dragged over here," Griff reported.

Arthur nodded. "They would have teleported here at once, but…well, baby Alexander still gets an upset stomach whenever he gets transported instantaneously, so they had little choice but to take a somewhat longer route."

Titania laughed at that, though she ended up coughing severely within moments and the medics standing by had to flush more medicine into her system to keep her from passing out. When she recovered, she said, "That's all right…I don't mind the wait. I look forward to seeing them again…though how they can ever forgive me for not arguing their case harder before Oberon, I cannot possibly imagine."

"It is not your fault that Oberon would not let any other member of the Xanatos family on his island," Merlin said. "By that point he was already far too gone to possibly be reasoned with logically."

"I know you are right, but that does not alleviate my guilt in being unable to protect my daughter and grandson," Titania lamented. "It is a miracle that they managed to survive at all in the ghastly war you all found yourselves in. You have my deepest apologies, from the bottom of my heart, for being unable to aid you against the Heartless. I could not go against my Lord's wishes, not again. In his madness, he might have seen that as a betrayal beyond all forgiveness and…" She trailed off, but it didn't take much imagination to guess what she had been about to say.

"Titania, you said that there were others with you…but when you arrived, it was all by yourself. Where are the remaining survivors of the Third Race?" Goliath asked, changing the subject.

Titania hesitated for a moment. "…Our numbers have dwindled significantly in the weeks since we have started our cursed wandering. Many have died from starvation and exhaustion…or from sheer despair. When we came here, the last place where we might possibly find sanctuary, I volunteered to go to Arthur's court myself to 'test the waters'…so that if you still felt hostilely towards our kind, that only I might suffer your well-deserved wrath. The others are in hiding outside the kingdom and waiting for a signal from me." Titania closed her eyes for a moment. "King Arthur, I know I am not in a position to bargain with you, but…please. You are our only hope. We have nowhere else to go but here. If you do not take us in, we will all very likely die within a month, and the Third Race shall come to an end forever. Please, could you find it within your heart to forgive us for our trespasses and sins of omission, and give us a home in your domain?" She bowed her head. "I would not have come here, knowing how much my people have wronged yours, if I had any other option. This is our last resort. Please…will you grant us sanctuary?"

All eyes were on Arthur. He closed his eyes for a moment in thought. Finally, he opened them again and smiled at Titania. "New Camelot's gates are open to any who wishes to enter them."

Griff started. "Your Majesty, is that wise?"

"Titania and her remaining people are victims, not criminals, Griff," Arthur replied. "They have suffered greatly at the hands of Satan and their own ruler, Oberon. We cannot in good conscience turn them away in their hour of greatest need. So long as they do not seek to do us any harm, they may have a home in New Camelot, for as long as they need one." Merlin and Goliath nodded in agreement. Griff still looked like he disagreed, but said no more, seeing little point in arguing further with his liege when his mind was so clearly made up on this matter.

Titania sagged back onto her bed in relief, her form almost seeming to shrink as all the tension and fear and anxiety went out of her. "Thank you, Arthur. You have truly answered our prayers. We will never forget your kindness." She closed her eyes and relaxed. "I will contact the others once I have recovered my strength. But for now, I hope you will excuse me, for I must rest…I want to be at the best I can manage for when my daughter and grandson arrive." She went to sleep, her breathing steady and her heartbeat slowing.

"Will she be all right?" Arthur quietly asked Merlin as the four of them left the medical suite, leaving the care of Titania to the nurses and doctors and machines therein.

"Her condition seems to have stabilized, sire," Merlin reported. "With some food and rest, she'll be healthy again in no time."

"I'm still not sure this is a good idea," Griff grumbled.

"Griff…" Arthur started warningly.

"I'm not going to make any more protests, your Majesty, I understand and respect your decision, but that doesn't mean I think it's the right one," Griff clarified. "And I can only imagine that most of your citizenry will feel the same way."

Arthur sighed and rubbed his temples. "We'll deal with that when the time comes."

The foursome parted ways, Arthur and Griff going off to attend to matters of state while Merlin and Goliath returned to the wizard's study to continue their earlier talk. Goliath seemed troubled. "Is something wrong, my friend? Your mind seems ill at ease," Merlin said, face creased in concern.

"…Titania almost died due to something…unnatural growing within her," Goliath said uneasily. "I look back at that moment, where she would have died if you hadn't killed the monsters inside her, and I can't help but picture Elisa going through the same torment."

"Ah," Merlin said softly, voice full of understanding. He was silent for a moment. "Goliath, it is very unlikely that Elisa would die of childbirth. Humans—and Gargoyles too, as I recall—rarely suffer fatalities while giving birth. It happens, yes, but not that often. There's really very little reason for you to worry." He frowned. "Or perhaps it's not just the thought that she might die due to a future pregnancy that concerns you…but that the child you bring into this world might be a monster?"

Goliath sighed. "You are…correct in both parts. I know it is irrational to feel this way, but…now I am beginning to have doubts about this entire venture. Perhaps having children, the two of us…would not be the best idea. Not with all the risk and enchantments and…_transformations_ it might entail."

Merlin nodded. "I see. Well, it's not really that irrational for you to feel this way. Every prospective parent experiences the same level of self-doubt and anxiety at the idea of bringing a child into the world…heaven knows, I certainly did!"

Goliath was startled. "What? You mean you…"

"Were a father once? Yes." Merlin sighed. "But that was a very, very long time ago…" The wizard paused for a moment, looking weary, his countless centuries of existence catching up to him. "In any event, Goliath…I think that it would be a wonderful idea for you and Elisa to bring a baby into this world, no matter what species it is. Children are our future, after all, and the more the better. And, if you still have doubts about the risks involved in conceiving and birthing the child…" He grinned mischievously. "Remember, there's always alchemy."

Goliath could not help but laugh at that. Archimedes might have, as well, if his beak weren't still taped shut.

…

"Very well," Zexion said, glancing at the many monitors and holo-projectors surrounding him. "Is everyone present?" There were a series of grunts, laughs, and other typical villainous signs of the affirmative from the various evildoers who he was currently having a teleconference with. "Good. Then let this meeting begin." He folded his hands and leaned back in his Evil Overlord chairTM. "Now, first thing on the agenda. As you know, since Pete and Maleficent are still on their honeymoon, I am ipso de facto commander of the allied forces of darkness. The light dwellers have not yet completed building up their forces and trade routes, so many of their key supply worlds are currently vulnerable. I think it's about time for us to make the first strike against our enemies and let this war between Good and Evil truly begin-"

"Uncle Zexion!" a familiar voice interrupted him mid-speech.

Zexion's eye twitched. The Nobody sighed, looking rather exasperated for someone who couldn't feel emotion. "One moment please." He swiveled around in his chair, pressing a button on the armrest that turned the lights on in his darkened room and dimmed the teleconference screens. "What is it, Nosimono?"

The Riku clone came into his 'uncle's' room, pouting. "I can't understand my homework. Can you help me do it?"

"Not right now, Nosimono, I'm in the middle of some very important business," Zexion said.

Nosimono perked up. "Oooh, is it evil business?"

"Yes."

"Can I watch?"

"No," Zexion said flatly. "Your mother won't be pleased if you blew off doing homework to 'hang out with your uncle.'"

Nosimono sighed. "I suppose…"

Zexion glanced at a clock. "I should be done here in half an hour. An hour tops. If you're still having trouble by then, I'll come and take a look at it, all right?"

Nosimono shrugged, looking somewhat disappointed. "I suppose…"

Zexion conceded a little. "If it's giving you that much difficulty, I suppose your mother wouldn't mind if you engaged in combat practice for a little while instead of doing your homework…she wants you to be good and ready to fight the other Keybearers when the war begins, after all."

"Woohoo!" Nosimono cheered, pumping his fist in the air.

"But," Zexion added sternly. "Once I'm done here, it's right back to homework, do you understand me young clone?"

Nosimono rolled his eyes. "Yes, Uncle Zexion…anyway, I'll see you later, I'm gonna go beat something up. Bye."

"Bye," Zexion said to the clone's back as he left the room. Shaking his head at the impatience of teenagers, Zexion dimmed the lights and brightened the monitors again. He shrugged apologetically to his irritated compatriots. "Teens. What can you do about them? Anyway, back to business. Zurg, I want you to move your fifth fleet to-" A light on one of his consoles started flashing. "Hold on just a second."

He turned away from the screens and pressed a button on his armrest. "Yes, what is it?" He frowned as he listened to the complaint on the other end. "We're out of Chocobos to slaughter? And you're having trouble kidnapping new ones due to heightened Trade Federation security? Hmm…very well then, start abducting shoopufs. They're not quite as tasty, but there's more meat—and heart—per individual, so they should fill more stomachs. And if those prove to be too difficult…" He narrowed his eyes. "Then we may have to take more…_drastic _measures."

That matter settled, he turned his attention back to the annoyed members of Maleficent's coalition. "Sorry about that. Little administrative manner. Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Zurg, I want you to-" Another light started flashing on his console. "Hold on."

He turned his chair around and pressed a button. "Yes?" There was a pause. His eyes widened. "What the…how many times have I told you not to call this number!" He listened for a moment. "Look, yes, I know…yes, I know what I said, but…look, I couldn't help…I _know_ already, I said I would but…I…" Unable to get a word in edgewise, he sighed and put a hand over his eyes. "Fine. I'll do it. Just…yes, I know…I know…I KNOW…look, this really isn't…I'm kind of in the middle of…" He rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, I'll call you back later…bye…bye now…GOODBYE." He hung up. "Ugh. That was a pain."

He turned back to the monitors and the rather impatient and frustrated villains. "Sorry about that. Personal crisis. Now, back to-" Another light started flashing. Zexion's eye twitched. The villains threw up their hands in exasperation. "One second."

Zexion turned away. "Yes, what is it-" His eyes widened in a good mockery of horror. "Oh no. Not _again_. I'll be right down."

Zexion rose from his seat and bowed apologetically to the monitors. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone this meeting for now. I have an emergency to deal with. It seems that a Dusk has stuck its head in the oven…despite being told not to a MILLION times…and now the kitchen's on fire, and there's a chance the castle could burn down, which would not make Maleficent very pleased at all. Excuse me."

He switched off the monitors and ran out of the room. When he got to the kitchen, he put on a very good show of being angry despite not being able to feel emotions when he found out that a bored Nosimono had goaded the Dusk into sticking its head into the oven to get the higher-ranking Nobody out of the meeting faster.

…

Maleficent turned the page of the manuscript she was reading, fascinated by the implications of the text.

"Oh Maleeeeeficent…"

This might be exactly what she needed. If the theories postulated here were correct, she might finally have a way to crush the fools that opposed her and usher in an age of eternal darkness to engulf the universe forever.

"Malefy-wefy-pooo…"

A smile came to her face as she imagined unleashing the power she would soon obtain upon her enemies, cackling inwardly at the thought of seeing their horrified faces as she obliterated their homeworlds and rendered all they knew and cared for to ruins.

"Oh honey-bumpkin…"

Maleficent's eye twitched as her fantasy was abruptly ended. It was rather hard to plot effectively with her new husband looking over her shoulder, crooning (badly) pet names into her ear. She sighed, put down the book she was looking at, and removed her reading glasses. "Yes, what is it Peter?"

Pete, clad in little more than a Speedo (a sight that would have thoroughly disgusted her once, but she had sort of grown used to) gave her a somewhat concerned look. "You've been reading and plotting and focusing on doing evil stuff for hours, sugar-booger. It's not healthy for you."

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Peter, I'm the Mistress of all Evil. Plotting and doing evil things is the sort of thing I do with my time."

Pete shruggd. "Yeah, but we're on our honeymoon. This is supposed to be a time of relaxation, of carefree frolicking and a general strengthening of the…_bond_ between husband and wife, if you know what I mean, and I know you do." He winked at her.

Maleficent raised an eyebrow. He was clearly trying to be seductive, and while he was failing miserably, she supposed it was sort of…_endearing_ in its own way. "If that's the case, then why did you bring _that_ along?"

_That_ was Tinkerbelle, the fairy who had used to belong to the late Peter Pan. She was sitting on the railing of Pete's steamboat (generously given to them as a wedding present by King Mickey) and staring out at the endless dark ocean they were sailing on beneath a starless sky, sulking at the waves and the eerie blue moonlight.

Pete frowned. "Hey, you brought your pet and I didn't complain." Diablo, Maleficent's crow, flew down from one of the smokestacks at that and pecked him on the head. "Ow!"

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Diablo's not a pet, he's a familiar. He and I are connected by a powerful mystical bond which ties our fates together and prevents us from ever straying too far from each other."

"Oh, just like you and me, then," Pete said, waving the raven away.

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Yes Peter, just like you and me."

Pete shrugged, completely missing her sarcasm. "I didn't mean to bring her. She snuck into my luggage. Didn't find her until we were already too far out to sea to turn back."

"We could have just sent her away through a portal," Maleficent grumbled. "Or better yet, just squished her. It would be very easy."

There was a pause. Pete sighed. "Maleficent…she saved my life. I owe her. You know that. And she has nowhere else to go. So…"

Maleficent sighed. "Peter, you're far too sympathetic to the plight of lesser creatures to make an effective villain. Why do you feel so attached to her, yet have no problem with oppressing or killing others like her?"

Pete shrugged. "I don't know none of those other people. And none of them personally saved my life. So I feel something for her, I guess." He raised an eyebrow. "Just how you sorta feel something for me for saving yours, right?"

Maleficent grunted. It wasn't a definite yes or a no, but Pete took it as a somewhat general agreement. "I suppose…" She looked off into the distance for a moment. Finally, she rose to her feet. "Very well. Perhaps you're right. I could use a break; I have been at this all day…so to speak."

"Good!" said Pete, looking very pleased to have convinced his wife (and boss) to do something she wasn't usually inclined to do. "What is this stuff, anyway?" He picked up the book she'd been looking at and flipped through it. "You've been reading stuff like this the whole trip." Unable to make heads or tails of the gibberish inside, he closed the book and threw it back onto the table with the other things Maleficent had been reading.

"Just some light reading…preparations for my next grand scheme," Maleficent told him.

"Oh, okay," Pete said, leaving it at that. He figured that if he really needed to know this stuff, Maleficent would tell it to him eventually. "So, now that you're off…what exactly do you feel like doing with your free time?"

Maleficent headed for the door leading to their cabin. "Let's talk about this inside…away from any prying ears."

"Okiedokie." Pete waved at Diablo and Tinkerbelle. "Have fun, you crazy kids!" He happily bounded after Maleficent, closing the door behind him.

The raven and the fairy gave each other wary looks for a moment. The bird grunted, losing interest, and started pecking at his feathers. Tinkerbelle, relieved that Diablo did not seem to be in the mood to try and eat her, flew over to the table where Maleficent had left her books, curious to see what the witch had been reading. Most of the sorceress's reading material was trashy romance and horror novels (Maleficent's secret vice), but three texts in particular stood out from the rest.

One was a very thick, musty, and ancient-looking tome entitled _The Grimoire of Sin._ The image of a hideous many-eyed creature that looked vaguely like some kind of giant monster fish was embroidered on the cover.

A second book was much newer, but no less voluminous, and entitled _How to Build your Very Own Kingdom Hearts, written by Nos. I-VI of Organization XIII._

The third and final book was actually more of a very thick spiral notebook, older than the second book but newer than the first. The cover of the notebook had the legend _The Jenova Report, written by Professor Hojo. _Underneath that, in smaller letters, were _Revised and added to by Ansem the Wise._ And underneath that was written _Revised and added to (again) by Xehanort, Braig, Dilan, Even, Elaeus, and Ienzo._

Tinkerbelle pondered the significance of these books, and what evil Maleficent sought to perform with them. However, she didn't have long to wonder this, because abruptly Diablo decided that he did feel like eating her after all and started chasing her from aft to stern of Pete's steamship. She didn't get eaten, thankfully, but gained a newfound hatred for all things feathered and black, and got back at the evil raven by poisoning his dinner and causing him to be thoroughly sick for the rest of the week. Pete and Maleficent didn't notice.

…

Hayner slapped a hand down on the table, grabbing his friends' attention. "Okay, now that we're all here, I call this meeting order!" He smiled at Pence, Olette, Fuu, Vivi, and Quina, who were all sitting or lounging about on the various battered old couches and chairs littering the Usual Spot. Well, Quina was _eating_ her chair, but that wasn't particularly surprising. "First up, I'd like to officially induct our former enemies Fuu, Vivi, and Quina into the gang since they've behaved perfectly well over the last few weeks of their trial period…"

"Other than Quina nearly eating us several times and Fuu beating me up more than once," Pence muttered under his breath. Fuu heard this and glared at him, causing him to swallow and try not to wet his pants from fright.

Hayner continued his speech. "Despite some close calls, they've shown themselves to be trustworthy friends and comrades, and so we welcome them to our group with open arms! Congratulations, you three! You're on the good guys' side now!"

"Yay," Fuu said deadpan, clapping slowly.

"This is so awesome! Just what I always wanted!" Vivi said ecstatically. He paused, and then sighed. "Too bad Seifer and Rai aren't here, seeing as we had to leave them behind on the Destiny Islands…"

"Yeah," Quina said mournfully. "Now I never get to know what Rai taste like…are you going to finish that chair?"

"Huh? Oh, go right ahead," Vivi said, hopping out of his chair and sitting down on a nearby stool as his 'wife' eagerly devoured the piece of furniture.

After Sora, Kairi, and Riku had returned from their rather exciting adventure at Maleficent's wedding, they had been surprised to find their friends from Twilight Town had somehow crashed on their world, and were more than happy to give them a lift back home in their Gummi Ship. They had been forced to leave Seifer and Rai behind, however; the former because the Crusaders had carted him off for being an alien threatening to conquer the planet, and Rai because Selphie had 'married' him and was refusing to give him up without a fight. Nobody really wanted to exert the effort necessary to rescue either of them (Well, Vivi had, briefly, until he realized that with Seifer and Rai gone he wouldn't get picked on as much anymore), so the two bullies had been abandoned and Fuu, Vivi and Quina were given a trial membership in Hayner's gang, mainly because they didn't really have anything else to do now that their leader was gone. (Hayner had been reluctant to let them in, naturally, but Olette had been able to convince him to give it a shot. She's good at that sort of thing.) Oddly enough, the planet had not been where everyone had remembered it being, and they had to spend quite a few frantic hours searching the galaxy for it before finally locating it orbiting around a distant star rather far from most of the other populated worlds in that region of space. How Twilight Town had gotten there from its original location was a mystery that nobody had yet been able to solve…but the trio of Keybearers had a suspicion that Oberon's rampage might have had something to do with it.

"And now that you're members of the gang…Olette, please present them with their membership patches!" Hayner said.

Olette got up from her seat, walked over to the new members of the group, and handed each of them a woven patch with an emblem showing a rocket ship blasting off before the Twilight Town clock tower. "Here you go. I made each of these personally, so try not to lose them…and Quina, don't eat that!"

"Awww," Quina whined in disappointment, lowering the patch s/he had just been given from her(?) mouth.

"Wow, you made this?" Vivi asked, examining his patch.

Olette nodded. "Yep!"

"She makes most of the artsy things for our little group," Hayner said smugly. "Like my munny pouch!"

"And my headband," Pence said, rubbing the red band going across his forehead. "She also makes sweaters for us every winter."

Olette smiled. "What can I say? I like making things for my friends!"

"…Thanks," Fuu said after a moment, feeling oddly touched by the gift. Seifer and Rai had never really gotten her anything special, not even on the holidays. Olette's offering made her feel like she really…belonged, or something.

"This'll go great with my new hat!" Vivi said happily, rubbing the brim of the blue-with-yellow stars pointed wizard's cap perched on his head.

"Hey, where'd you get that thing anyway?" Pence asked the Black Mage.

Vivi shrugged. "I dunno. I just woke up one day and it was there on my doorstep. Like it was waiting for me or something." He rubbed the brim again. "This one fits me a lot better than my old one. It feels nicer, too. I'm not sure why, but just wearing it makes me feel smarter and more powerful and stuff!"

Pence frowned in thought. "Hmm…"

"It look so good on you, I could eat it right up!" Quina said. S/he thought about that for a moment, then started leaning over her(?) unnoticing husband, big mouth gaping wide, her(?) infamous gourmand's fork and knife in either hand.

However, before she could eat Vivi's hat, Hayner moved on to the next order of business. "Next order of business," he said. "Making plans for our next space mission!"

Vivi blinked. "We're going up in space?"

"Again?" asked a doubtful Fuu.

"Ooh! Will there be yummy-yummies?!" Quina asked hopefully.

"I know we only just got back from our first space mission a few weeks ago--and got an A plus on our report, no less!—but I think it's time we mounted a second one, with a much more durable ship capable of traveling further distances," Hayner explained. "That way we can see more of what's out there! From the stories we heard from the Gullwings during our brief time with them, and the things Kairi, Sora and Riku told us on the way back here, there's HUNDREDS of worlds out among the stars…with some of the strangest and coolest things imaginable!"

"Not to mention fascinating creatures such as Yuna, Rikku, and Paine," Pence commented. "I would not mind visiting their homeworld. From everything they described, it's scientifically impossible for such a place to exist, and yet…they certainly do."

"And I would _love_ to see Disney Castle," Olette commented. "Or maybe meet Belle and the Beast, er, Adam, I'd love to hear the story of their romance right from the source!"

"Olympus Coliseum," Fuu said bluntly, grinning at the thought of beating the crap out of Hercules.

"You think there's a world made of cake out there?" Quina asked, looking up into the sky. "Or maybe more of those delicious Gummi blocks?"

"Could be," Vivi agreed. "Or maybe…the answer to where I came from…" He had first appeared falling out of the sky, after all. Perhaps he had fallen all the way from space?

"A whole world of Vivis…that would be…interesting…" Pence murmured.

"Anyway," Hayner said. "It seems we're all agreed that it would be cool to travel to other worlds and see new people and places, right?"

"Well, yes, but…won't it be very dangerous?" Olette interrupted. "I mean, from what Sora, Kairi, and Riku told us, there's going to be a big interstellar war going on soon…I don't really want to get caught up in that!"

"…I'm not sure we have a choice," Hayner said solemnly after a moment. "I think we may be a part of it already."

Pence nodded. "Yes, how else can you explain how our world somehow changed places? All the astronomers in town have been going mad trying to explain why the stars 'aren't right' and why the sun is different, and why there seem to be more and different planets in our solar system than there were before. Sora, Kairi and Riku theorized that the town might somehow have been moved by the big battle they had with that Oberon person. He would have destroyed the entire galaxy, and us in it, if they hadn't stopped him!"

Hayner shook his head. "And we didn't even know. We were hanging out on the beach with the Gullwings and our new friends on the Destiny Islands while all that was going on. Oberon could have blown up and killed all of us, and we wouldn't have even known what was going on until it was too late."

"And it could happen again, too," Pence said, a grave expression on his face. "Like Sora, Kairi and Riku said, a big war's about to start. The kind that you only see in science fiction movies. No matter how far away our world is from all the others, I can't imagine that we'll be able to stay out of this conflict forever. Either one side will try to recruit us, or…or they'll try to destroy us. And they'd have the power to do it, too."

They were all quiet for a moment as they considered this. "Sucks," Fuu said finally.

"Yeah," Vivi said quietly.

"Me…lose appetite," Quina muttered, looking as startled to hear herself say that as everyone else was.

"Then…what're you saying? That we're doomed?" asked an unhappy Olette.

"No," said Hayner. "What I'm saying is that we've got to get out into space and try and establish ties with the other worlds out there, the _good _ones, so they can protect us from the bad ones…before it's too late."

"Then this is as much a diplomatic mission as an explorational one," Vivi realized.

Hayner nodded. "Exactly. Sora mentioned a mouse-king named Mickey who rules and protects many worlds, and is heading up the main opposition to the forces of evil. They said they'd try and ask the King to look in on sending some guys to defend our world…but I don't know if we can wait on that. You know how long it takes the politicians around here to do anything worth doing, and they're only responsible for one town! How hard do you think it's going to be for a guy who's in charge of DOZENS of worlds to get around to helping one out-of-the-loop place like ours?"

Olette's eyes widened. "So…you're suggesting we go and look for the King ourselves. Jump ahead in line, so to speak?"

Hayner nodded. 'That's pretty much it, yeah."

"And, if we manage to do it under our own power, we'll be able to show him that we're not just some backwoods underdeveloped planet, but that we're capable of doing things on our own and might even be able to defend ourselves if we're given the opportunity and the technology, and so on," Pence added. "He might be more inclined to listen to us if we arrive in his court using a ship that we made all by ourselves, with no help from anyone else."

"Respect," Fuu said, immediately understanding.

Pence nodded. "Precisely."

"I wonder what respect tastes like?" Quina mused. They ignored her(?).

"I don't know…do you really think we need to go to such lengths to impress this King? Sora, Kairi and Riku made him out to be, well, a real go-to-it guy. Practically a saint!" Vivi pointed out.

Hayner shrugged. "Even if he is, he's the ruler of an interplanetary empire much bigger than anything we've ever seen. I don't know about you, but I'd like to bring as many advantages of our own as we can get to the bargaining table." The others nodded, conceding that this made sense.

"But how we get there?" Quina asked. "Last ship not do too good."

"That might have been because you were snuck on board and ate most of our supplies…and fuel…" Olette muttered under her breath.

"Pence has been working on a new design. Haven't you, Pence?" Hayner asked his friend.

Pence nodded and pulled out a block of colorful material that everyone immediately recognized as a Gummi block, having flown back to their world in a ship made almost completely out of them. Quina drooled and lurched to her feet, but Vivi quickly pulled her back down before she could eat the block, and Pence's hand. "I was able to obtain a few spare blocks from Sora, Kairi and Riku before they dropped us off, and have been studying them ever since. Using the advanced equipment in Ansem the Wise's old laboratory at the abandoned mansion, I've been able to perform numerous tests on this stuff, even going so far as figuring out how to make synthetic replicas of it. It's incredibly resilient, and seems to automatically 'bond' with other blocks when they touch each other to form an incredibly durable structure, yet can be pulled apart with surprisingly little effort if you make to try a different combination of blocks. They seem to somehow be able to generate a breathable atmosphere by absorbing carbon dioxide and catalyzing it inside themselves to produce something capable of sustaining organic lifeforms, just like how plants create oxygen through photosynthesis. While structures made of blocks can, with difficulty, be smashed apart by a strong enough impact, the individual blocks themselves seem to be virtually indestructible…and yet they're surprisingly edible. Tasty too." He took a bite out of the block he was holding. Quina moaned longingly.

"What's it taste like?" Olette asked.

"Their tastes seem to vary based on block color. This one's red, and tastes sort of like strawberries, though other red ones have tasted like meat, cherries, raspberries, pizza, and so on," Pence explained. "Some of the blue ones taste remarkably like sea-salt ice cream…" Quina moaned again.

"Point?" Fuu asked, getting impatient.

"Hmm? Oh, yes…anyway, using the blocks I've been able to gather and duplicate, as well as the equipment in Ansem's lab, I believe we can construct a spaceship which would be stronger, faster, and more reliable than our last one, and would be able to take us further without falling apart," Pence explained. "Of course, the matter of the power supply for such a vessel was still a problem, since I'm not entirely sure what exactly makes Gummi ships _run._ I didn't get enough time in Sora, Kairi and Riku's ship to find out—I'm not sure that they themselves actually know how it works--and Ansem's logs were, sadly, rather unhelpful on the matter. (Those I was able to decrypt, anyway, the guy was fanatical about keeping things secret.) However, I think I may have come up with a solution to that little problem. Hayner, if you would, please?"

"Sure thing." Hayner got up and removed a tarp from an inconspicuous object that had been placed in the corner of the room. It looked at first glance like a regular fitness treadmill, until one noticed the reinforced metal making up the body frame, the various pipes, cables, and wires festooning all over its form, and the rather bulky-looking generator unit hooked up to the rear.

The rest of the gang looked at it in puzzlement. "What's that?" Vivi asked.

"Can I eat it?" Quina asked.

"No, but you can do _something_ with it," Pence said enigmatically. "Quina, would you mind stepping onto this machine, please?"

"Only if you give Gummi block," s/he said immediately.

"Okay." Pence tossed it at her(?).

The Qu lunged into the air and snapped it up in her(?) jaws with a single bite before landing heavily on the ground. Licking her(?) lips in delight, s/he waddled across the room and stepped onto the treadmill. Amazingly, it only creaked a tiny bit under her immense weight. "What I do now?"

"Start running," Pence informed her(?)

Quina frowned. S/he was not fond of running. "Why?" s/he asked suspiciously.

Pence pulled out a remote from his pocket and pressed a button on it. A donut on a string lowered from the ceiling, dangling just out of reach before Quina's face. S/he gasped and immediately started running towards the donut in hopes of reaching it. Naturally, instead all s/he did was stay in place while causing the treadmill to turn and send electricity coursing through its many cables and into the generator attached to its rear, which started to hum and light up as Quina filled it with power. "Must…get…donut…" s/he drooled.

"Quina!" Vivi cried in alarm. He immediately got to his feet.

"Vivi, relax, she's not getting hurt," Pence said, trying to calm the mage down.

"But she can't get the donut!" Vivi pointed out.

"That's sort of the idea," Hayner said.

"Oh. Well, it's probably for the best, she's not supposed to be eating those things anyway," Vivi admitted. "She's still on her 'green' diet. Though she seems to be cheating a little by painting some things that certainly _aren't_ vegetables and fruits green and then eating them. Like tires. And garbage. And stray dogs." They stared at him, then at Quina, who was huffing and puffing as s/he tried to reach the donut.

"S/he really will eat anything, won't s/he?" Olette murmured.

"Black hole," Fuu agreed.

"At least she's not eating us…yet…" said an uneasy Hayner.

Pence coughed and decided to change the subject. "By using the donut…or any other foodstuff as a goad, really…we can entice Quina to run on the treadmill for an indefinite period of time to either power our new ship directly or at least to charge up its batteries so it can fly on its own whenever s/he needs to take a break. It will also keep her(?) from devouring the ship while all of us are still in it and causing us to drift helplessly in space."

Fuu nodded. "Good."

Olette frowned. "I'd question the ethics of exploiting Quina like this, if it weren't for the fact that s/he probably _could_ use the exercise, it'll keep her(?) from eating us, and s/he can probably run for hours without getting exhausted if it's for food."

Vivi nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I once saw her chase a pigeon for miles and miles because it stole her peanuts…I could barely keep up, but she wasn't even winded! Well, not until after she had caught the bird and eaten it, along with the peanuts. Then she passed out. She was okay when she woke up, though."

Hayner smirked. "I guess it's settled, then. We're going back into space to find King Mickey and any other interesting worlds out there…and we'll do it in a ship made of Gummi blocks and other stuff, running on Quina-power! Should work, right?"

"Must…have…doooooonuuuuuut!" Quina howled, losing patience with her(?) inability to reach the donut and lunging frantically forward, jumping off the treadmill and grabbing the pastry…and causing her(?) body mass to crush the machine's front half and dent the floor as s/he fell back to the ground, ripping the cables out of the generator and causing them to writhe in the air like agitated snakes, hissing and spitting sparks. Hayner quickly grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher (their hideout being a large fire hazard, it was necessary to keep one handy) and sprayed foam all over the contraption before it could set the room ablaze. Quina was too busy triumphantly munching on the pastry to notice.

The rest of the gang blanched. "You should probably make the one we're actually going to use on the ship stronger, with some kind of restraining harness," Olette said after a moment.

Pence, unable to take his eyes off the ruined mechanism he'd spent the last few weekends tinkering on, nodded slowly. "That would probably be a good idea."

"Definitely," said Fuu, speaking for all of them.

Hayner grimaced and tossed away the extinguisher. "We're going to need more donuts."

"A LOT of them," Vivi agreed, as Quina finished eating and started jumping up and down to try and reach the ceiling, hoping there'd be more donuts hidden up there. "Otherwise, we're never going to make it out of the solar system…"

"Doooooonuuuuuuut!" Quina bellowed hungrily.

…

In her force field-shielded cell in Wing 4, Block B, Level 8, Subsection 2 of the Crusaders' Extraterrestrial Detention Facility on the mainland, the evil fairy LeBlanc sulked. "This blows."

"You said that already," said a rather bored Logos, who had heard his boss say this several hundred times in the weeks since they had been captured. She smacked him, but she had done this several hundred times too since they had been captured, so he didn't really notice.

"I'm hungry," complained Ormi, who had lost several pounds since they had been locked up. "Why can't they give us something good to eat, unlike that processed garbage they force down our throats?"

"Because we're prisoners, chickenwuss, our happiness isn't exactly their first priority," Seifer, the LeBlanc Syndicate's cellmate, sneered, shoving the (slightly less) fat fairy over. "Duh."

LeBlanc glared at the human from Twilight Town hatefully. "Remind me why you're in here with us and why I haven't killed you yet out of sheer exasperation?"

"I'm here because that stunt this idiot here-" Seifer stomped repeatedly on Ormi's back as he said this, causing the fat fairy to whimper in pain. "Pulled with the toilets in this joint caused a flood that shorted out at least half the cells in this place, so we have no choice but to share space until the Crusaders fix it."

"It _wasn't_ a stunt," Ormi whimpere. "Some Khunds were giving me a swirly, and I got stuck…" Everyone else ignored him.

"And the reason you haven't killed me yet is because you're just a one-third-pint weakling that I could take any day," Seifer bragged. When LeBlanc started frothing at the mouth and Logos had to grab her to keep the mad fairy from clawing his eyes out, Seifer quickly amended his statement. "Though it probably helps that they fit everyone here with some kind of inhibitor collars reverse-engineered from alien tech to keep all the inmates from using their otherworldly powers to bust out or something."

Somewhat mollified, LeBlanc calmed down. "I don't even know why this stupid thing works on me…my powers are magical in nature, how's a piece of technological junk able to shut those down?!"

Everyone shrugged. Seifer scowled. "They didn't need to put one on me, though…I don't even _have_ any powers! I'm just some regular kid they threw in here when those PUNKS Hayner, Tidus, and those weird girls they hung out with-" LeBlanc snarled and started foaming at the mouth again at the thought of the Gullwings. Seifer continued ranting. "-Said I was an alien! And my so-called _friends_ didn't even lift a finger to help me!"

"Well, you _are_ an alien," Logos pointed out.

"No, I'm a human!" Seifer argued.

"From another world. Which still makes you an alien," Logos reasoned.

"And didn't you try to conquer this planet or something? I thought that's why they threw you in here," said a confused Ormi.

Seifer growled. "Yeah, I was trying to conquer the planet…with a _stick_. God, what was I thinking?! And why'd I get thrown in with a bunch of actual fricking MURDERERS and thieves like you three who killed like a couple hundred people or something with a giant toilet?!" LeBlanc and Logos pointed at Ormi, who sulked. "Oh, right. Flooded cells."

"It wasn't my _fault_," Ormi whined. They paid no attention to him.

"When I get out of here, I'm gonna track 'em down and make them pay. _Especially_ my 'friends'," Seifer growled.

"I'll help. As long as I get first dibs on that bitch Yuna," LeBlanc hissed hatefully.

Seifer smirked malevolently. "Fine with me." There was silence in the cell for a moment. A red-armored Crusader guard walked by the force field keeping them imprisoned, whistling as he twirled a nightstick. Ormi scratched himself. Logos yawned. Seifer abruptly asked, "So, wanna have sex?"

LeBlanc grunted and shrugged. "Eh, why not?"

And so they did, much to the disgust of Logos and Ormi. "Why do they keep _doing_ that?!" whispered a horrified Ormi. "I thought LeBlanc only loved Nooj! And I would've figured Seifer'd want a, you know, _bigger_ female!"

Logos shrugged. "Well, we're in prison. We don't exactly have a lot to do with our excessive free time. Sex is something to do, one of the few things we _can_ do while locked in here, actually."

"Oh," said Ormi. He winced. "I'm gonna get raped by all the bigger and nastier prisoners, aren't I?"

Logos nodded. "Yes, you probably are."

"Crud," Ormi whimpered.

…

Tidus and Yuna were sitting on the couch in Tidus' living room. Tidus was fidgeting uncomfortably. Yuna had her hands folded tightly in her lap and was looking nervously around the room. The reason for their discomfort was Tidus' father, Jecht, who was out of uniform (and mostly shirtless) and sitting across from them in a reclining chair. However, he wasn't reclining; rather, he was on the edge of his seat. He didn't look very comfortable either.

The three of them had been sitting in the living room for the last ten minutes, not talking to each other. They wanted to talk, but they weren't even sure where to begin. Tidus' mom had been in at one point to give them some tea, but she hadn't stayed long, the tension in the air was too much for her, and so she left. The teacups she had brought were still sitting on the coffee table between Jecht and his son and his son's fiancé, untouched.

Jecht cleared his throat several times. He coughed. He cleared his throat again. Tidus started to open his mouth, choked, swallowed, and fidgeted some more. Yuna tapped one foot on the floor. The family grandfather clock ticked in the background. Neither of them said a word.

Jecht finally lost his patience and made the first move, or tried to. "So, um…you two said there was something you wanted to talk to me about?"

Tidus and Yuna gave each other uneasy looks and then glanced back at Jecht. "Um…yeah, sort of."

"Right," said Yuna.

Neither said another word for five minutes. "Well?!" Jecht asked finally, starting to get frustrated. "Out with it!"

The two jumped in their seats. "Well, um, the thing is," Tidus said nervously. He licked his lips. "Dad, you, uh, know how Yuna and I, we're getting married, right?"

Jecht grunted. "Yeah. I'm still not happy that the two of you ate the paopu at such an early stage in your relationship…I mean, you only knew each other for one day before doing it! You should have known better, son! You can't rush these things!"

Tidus sighed. "Yeah, Dad, I know…"

"It was an accident, sir, if that helps," Yuna offered. "He didn't _mean_ to share it with me. It was an honest mistake."

"Yeah, I hear that all the time from some of my own troops…" Jecht grumbled. "And crazy fans trying to get me to leave my wife and marry them instead." He sighed. "Regardless, it's a done deal, and now that you two have shared the paopu, you're bound inextricably, so there's nothing any of us can really do about it." He smiled wryly. "In any event, I guess I could have worse daughter-in-laws. For a while, I was afraid Selphie was going to marry my son! Thank goodness that never happened…though I pity the poor sap she's attached herself to now."

Tidus and Yuna both shuddered at that thought. "Yeah…" Tidus agreed. "Damn, I was REALLY lucky there, wasn't I?"

"Yes…but poor Rai," Yuna said sadly.

"Yeah, too bad for him…oh well, least it wasn't my boy!" Jecht said with a shrug. "So, where were we? Oh, right…I was saying that I can't really think of a better daughter-in-law to have than you, Yuna…even if you are just a tourist whom I've only known for a couple of weeks who spends most of her time off with my son doing things I either don't know or don't really _want_ to know about."

"Oh! Well…" Yuna smiled faintly. "Thanks. I think."

"So, there was something you wanted to tell me?" Jecht asked.

The young couple looked uneasy again. Tidus sighed. "Well…if Yuna's going to be part of the family…then there's something about her you should probably know sooner, rather than later, because if you find out then instead of now you might not be so willing to forgive it."

Jecht was instantly wary. "I don't like where this is going…all right, out with it. What haven't you two been telling me? You…" His eyes widened in horror. "Oh no…don't tell me you're pregnant already! Dammit, you kids are just doing it earlier and earlier these days-"

"NO!" an alarmed Tidus and Yuna yelled, faces red in alarm.

"D-Dad, we haven't even…um…_done_ that," Tidus stammered, looking very embarrassed.

"Yes, we're trying to take things slowly," Yuna agreed, nodding rapidly.

Jecht sighed in relief. "Oh, thank goodness. I'm not ready to be a granddad…" He frowned. "But if that's not it…then what do you have to tell me?"

There was another uneasy silence. Tidus and Yuna looked at each other uncertainly. They reached for each other's hands. Jecht steeled himself, almost positive that the news he was about to hear wasn't going to be good. "Sir Jecht," Yuna started. "The thing is-"

"Yuna's a fairy from another world!" Tidus blurted. Yuna glared at her fiancé. He shrugged. "What? It was what you were going to say anyway."

"Not like _that_, I was going to break it to him slow and easy!" she hissed.

Jecht stared at them. He blinked. "A fairy?"

"Yes," said Tidus.

"From another world," Jecht continued.

"That's right," Yuna said. The two lovers looked at Jecht anxiously, awaiting the no doubt violent and explosive reaction he was going to have any moment now. After all, he was the leader of the local chapter of the Crusaders, the global organization dedicated to _repelling_ aliens from other worlds. Yuna had a number of spells ready to restrain Jecht long enough for them to explain things and keep him from either attacking them, leaving the room, or calling his friends for backup if things went badly. They weren't sure how he was going to respond to the truth, but they were certain it was going to be painful. They hadn't even planned on telling Jecht at all, to be honest, except Yuna felt bad for living under the man's roof for the last few weeks under false pretenses, and convinced Tidus that maybe they should tell his father the truth. They'd have to eventually anyway, if they were ever going to have kids, what with the way fairies reproduced…

In any event, they fully expected this to be a rather agonizing confrontation. What they did not expect was for a rather disturbed Jecht to ask, "Um…I don't keep up with the slang you kids use nowadays…are you trying to tell me that Yuna's _gay?_"

Tidus and Yuna flushed. "NO!" they both shouted.

"Well, I did do a little experimenting at one point…" Yuna admitted.

"Yuna, you're not helping!" Tidus hissed. "Dad, what we meant is that Yuna's an _alien _fairy—with wings and magic and floaty things—from another planet. Sort of like…" He swallowed. "Like the aliens who piloted the giant toilet that you destroyed a few weeks ago. The one that killed so many Crusaders and sunk that ship."

"But I'm nothing like them, honest!" Yuna said quickly. "Those fairies were evil, lying, cheating thieves…my friends and I are more honest ones!" She frowned. "Wait…that sounded better in my head…"

"Dad, I know she's an alien, but…please! Don't kill her or turn her in! I mean, she's not even the forefront of an alien invasion or anything, she and her friends got stuck here when their ship crashed, but by now they've been able to get a message home telling their friends there that they're all right, and that they don't need to be rescued anytime soon because they…they've started to like our world and the people here, and…" He licked his lips and looked down at his knees. "She's my fiancé now, and-and I love her…" Tidus said. He swallowed, then clenched his fist and glared at his father defiantly. "And if you try to hurt her, I'll…I won't let you! Got that?!"

Jecht shrugged. "Okay."

"And another thing-" Tidus blinked. "Wait, what?"

"I said okay. I won't try to hurt Yuna or turn her over to the Crusaders," Jecht repeated.

Tidus stared at his father for a moment. "Oh. Um…all right. Thanks…"

Yuna blinked. "Well, that was anticlimactic…"

"Er, not to question you or anything, but…why _aren't_ you going to turn her in?" asked a confused Tidus.

Jecht snorted. "Boy, don't you remember the Crusaders' policy when it comes to aliens? Darlene Hikari recited it on the day I first met Yuna and her friends. If an alien visitor proves itself to be friendly, it's allowed to go about its business on our planet, so long as it has no intention of hurting anybody. Yuna's been living under my roof ever since you two 'accidentally' got engaged, and she's shown herself to be one of the nicest, sweetest, most helpful girls I've ever met. Certainly nothing like that _bitch_ who used that toilet and killed my boys!" Jecht snarled for a moment as he thought of LeBlanc. "Man, I hope she croaks so they can dissect her stinking corpse…" Yuna gulped, and Jecht gave her an apologetic look. "Oh, sorry. Right, no more talk of dissection in this household. Anyway, like I said, Yuna's shown herself to be a friendly and helpful person ever since she got here, so I see no reason to treat her like a hostile invader. So long as she keeps her nose clean while she hangs out with you, she's got nothing to fear from the Crusaders. Although…" He frowned. "I might have changed my mind about that if you two had taken any longer to 'fess up about who Yuna really is. I was starting to get suspicious."

Tidus and Yuna gawked at Jecht. "You KNEW?!" Tidus cried. "All along?!"

"But how? I was so _careful!_" Yuna protested.

Jecht snorted. "'Course I knew! The minute I heard you two were engaged, I had the boys at Crusaders Central HQ run a background check on Yuna. I wanted to know just what sort of girl my son had gotten involved with, a reasonable precaution."

Tidus flushed. "Daaaaad!"

"Don't complain boy, I was only looking out for your well-being. Anyway, as you might expect, they'd never heard of Yuna before, or any of her friends. That alone would have been enough for me to merit turning them in, or at least giving them a thorough interrogation to find out just who they _really_ were, but…" Jecht faltered. "But then I saw the way you two looked at each other, when you thought I wasn't paying attention. How you smiled and laughed and talked with each other, and gazed into each other's eyes with such purity and compassion. I…" He swallowed and looked at his son. "Boy, I may be a better soldier and Blitzball player than I am a father, but…I could still tell that you were in love. And Yuna, whoever she really was, clearly felt the same way. No actor could possibly fake the sheer, well, _passion_ you two clearly feel for each other." Tidus and Yuna flushed and glanced at each other briefly, before quickly looking away. Jecht chuckled. "Like I said…there's nothing else it could have been. So…I let it be. I decided to wait a little longer, and see if I couldn't figure out more about just who Yuna really was for myself. And…well, I did. I figured out she was, for sure, an alien."

"But how did you know? Like I said, I was very careful!" Yuna protested.

Jecht smirked. "You don't get to be as high-ranked a Blitzball player or Crusader like myself without being able to solve a good mystery from only a few clues!" he lied. Actually, he had figured out for certain she was an alien when he had accidentally walked into the bathroom while Yuna was taking a shower and saw a small, floating, _naked_ pixie singing as she psychokinetically manipulated the water droplets around her, and promptly left before she noticed he was there. He couldn't exactly mention that to his son or Yuna, it was too embarrassing. (He didn't know that Yuna actually knew he had been there, but she hadn't realized it until after he left the bathroom, and since he had never confronted her with what she was terrified he might have seen after that, she figured he must not have noticed her true form.)

"And…you're really okay with this? Having an off-worlder like me in the family?" Yuna asked anxiously.

Jecht grinned. "Like I said before, Yuna…I can't think of anyone I'd rather have as a daughter-in-law than you."

Yuna flushed. "Th-thank you, Sir Jecht."

"Yeah…Dad…thanks," Tidus said, a relieved smile forming on his face. "Thanks a lot."

Jecht smirked. "You're welcome, son." He waited until the couple relaxed a bit, and then said, "Of course, while _Yuna_ might be off the hook, the same cannot be said of her friends…" Their eyes widened in horror. Jecht grinned, trying to look as menacing as he could. "Now, Yuna, what exactly can you tell me about what your pals Rikku and Paine have been up to lately?"

…

"Oh, woe, woe is me!" Rikku wailed from where she sat on the corner of one of the town's main streets. Her clothes were tattered and filthy, her hair was askew and had gone almost as brown as Yuna's from dirt, and her face was covered in grime. "I foolishly wasted all my munny on cheap tourist-y crap and expensive hotel food and now I have not a penny to my name! Won't _somebody_ please spare some cash to help a poor girl in need so that she can buy a ticket for a ship back to her homeland?" She shook the tray in her hand, causing the measly pieces of munny already there to rattle against each other. "I'm not asking for much, only a few bits of munny…can't somebody please find the kindness deep within their hearts to help a poor, homeless, destitute young lass get back to where she belongs?" The townspeople and tourists steadfastly ignored her and just kept on walking past her, as they had been doing all day ever since she had started begging for alms. Rikku scowled hatefully at them as they paid no attention to her. "Lousy greedy upper-middle-class white-collar bastards. Just wait until the economy tanks and you lose your cushy jobs and you find yourself in the same position as me!" Considering that very few of the people who actually lived in town were wealthy enough to be considered 'white-collar' workers, only the tourists really took offense at her insults, though they judged it to be nothing more than the rants of a crazy (and probably drunk) lady. Rikku sulked as her shouting failed to convince anyone to give her any munny. "Poopie."

"What are you doing?"

Rikku glanced up and saw that an incredulous Paine and a somewhat oblivious Wakka eating some ice-cream were standing over her. The blonde fairy currently disguised as a homeless woman cheered up instantly. "Hey Paine! Hiya Wakka! How's my second favorite almost-married couple doing?"

Wakka paused in his ice-cream eating. "Oh, not much. It's been a pretty good day so far; I aced most of my tests in school today, had an awesome session of Blitzball practice, and Paine only tried to kill me three times since this morning!"

"I'll make up for it when we get home," she grumbled.

Wakka laughed and put an arm around her shoulder. "You crack me up, honey."

"Get your hands off me," she snarled. Wakka immediately removed his arm.

"Still trying to kill him to get out of this whole intertwined destiny thing, huh?" Rikku asked sympathetically.

"With little success so far," she grumbled. "I swear, for such a clumsy idiot he seems to be leading a charmed life. I've tried smothering him, stabbing him, poisoning him, drowning him, shooting him, cursing him, strangling him, dropping bowling balls on his head, pushing him into oncoming traffic, and using all sorts of elaborate deathtraps on him, and _none of it does the slightest bit of good. He just won't die._"

Wakka smirked at his reluctant fiancé. "Face it babe, I'm here to stay! You'll just have to get used to it, ya?"

"I hate you so much," she hissed, red eyes flashing with rage.

Wakka laughed. "I love you too, honey. Want some ice cream?" Paine's eye twitched. "Guess not. More for me, then!" He licked his ice cream some more before glancing back at Rikku. "So, Rikku, what exactly are you doing here?"

"And why are you dressed like a vagrant?" Paine asked.

Rikku glanced around shiftily. "Don't tell anyone, but…I'm trying to trick these people into giving me munny by feeding them a sob story about being a helpless victim of the island economy trying to buy a ticket home. But I can't for the love of the Fairy Queen figure out why it's not working!"

"Maybe because they recognize you from yesterday?" Paine suggested. "You know, when you dressed up in your Lady Luck dresssphere and tried to convince people to play your rigged games of chance until the Crusaders showed up and chased you into the jungle with pointy sticks?"

Rikku huffed. "How was I supposed to know gambling's illegal in this stupid place?! Oh well, there's always selling my body. That should rack up some cash pretty quickly."

"Actually, that's illegal here too," Wakka corrected her.

"Dammit!"

"Why are you trying to collect all this munny anyway?" Paine asked.

"Well, since it doesn't look as if we're leaving this planet anytime soon…_despite_ having a perfectly good Gummi ship nearby owned by some local friends that we could borrow and/or steal to get home…I've decided to spend my time raising funds for a treasure-hunting expedition," Rikku explained. "From what I saw in the history museum, there's all sorts of cool ruins and ancient temples and buried treasure scattered all over the archipelago, just waiting for somebody to take it! I thought it would be neat to try and claim it, since nobody else has been able to."

"Ah," said Wakka. "Uh, you do know you could just get a legitimate job if you wanted that much munny, ya?"

Rikku stuck out her tongue. "A job?! Ew, yuck, no way! That'd be too much like work! I'd have just gotten the munny the easy way by stealing it, but Yunie wouldn't let me." She scowled. "She doesn't seem interested in going on the expedition, either…she'd rather hang out and get to know her new _boyfriend_ better."

Paine raised an eyebrow. "You sound kind of bitter."

"Maybe because _I'M_ the only single fairy left on this island!" Rikku snapped. "Yuna's got Tidus, you've got Wakka, but what about poor Rikku? I've got bupkiss! Nobody loves me…"

Paine rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't give me the 'poor, pitiable me' act, Rikku. I saw how you were stringing all those guys along on the schoolyard the other day."

"Yeah, especially since you were wearing _that_ outfit," Wakka recalled. "It looked like the whole thing was made of dental floss…"

"It was, actually," Rikku admitted. "I enchanted some floss together the night before…thought it'd be useful." She laughed evilly. "And it was! Those silly boys gave me all their munny…except they didn't have a lot of it."

Paine rolled her eyes. "It was their lunch munny. What did you expect?"

Rikku pouted. "I thought they'd have more…I mean, they wear school uniforms, I figured that meant all the students were rich kids."

Wakka laughed. "Rich kids? Nah, we just wear uniforms to build solidarity…or something like that. You know what sort of stupid ideas schools get on how to teach kids, ya?" Paine and Rikku nodded in agreement, they had both had to follow similar stupid guidelines at the schools back in Fairyworld.

"So anyway, that's what I've been up to," Rikku said. "Though I haven't been doing a good job of collecting munny. Unless you guys want to help?"

The 'couple' rapidly shook their heads in negation. "Nah-ah," said Wakka.

"No way," Paine agreed.

Rikku pouted. "Awww, come on, it'll be fun!"

"I doubt that," Paine said dryly. Rikku scowled.

They suddenly heard an obnoxious and all-too familiar shriek. "Squeal! Liek, oh em gee zee, it's Wakka and Paine and Rikku! Hi Wakka and Paine and Rikku!"

The two fairies and one human sighed. "Hello, Selphie…"

Selphie skipped over to them in her usual yellow miniskirt, a bright and chipper smile on her face. The look on her companion, Rai's, face was anything but. The taller, darker teen was crawling on all fours next to Selphie, all but naked and wearing a bondage outfit that covered a very small proportion of his body and did nothing to conceal the many scars, scabs, bruises, and whip marks covering his skin. His hands and feet were hobbled to make it harder for him to crawl, and a very tight spiked collar was locked around his neck with a thick chain dangling from it, the other end of which was in Selphie's hands. His hair was disheveled, his face was scratched, and his eyes were wide and bloodshot with absolute horror and madness. "Liek, how are you all doingz?" Selphie asked sweetly.

Wakka swallowed and tried not to meet Rai's eyes. "W-we've been doing fine, Selphie…"

"Uh, yeah, just fine," a disturbed Paine said. Rikku just stared at Rai, her eyes almost as wide as the collared boy's.

"Cool. We've been doing perfectly absolutely ultimately totally awesomely cool too! Isn't that right, Rai?" Selphie squeaked.

"H-help me…ya know…" Rai gasped through cracked and bleeding lips.

Selphie laughed manically. "Ell Oh Ell, isn't he just adorablez?" She yanked hard on the chain, causing Rai to gasp and start choking as she constricted his throat. "So, what are you all up to, peoples?"

"Getting ice cream," said Wakka.

"Plotting to kill Wakka," said Paine.

"Trying to cheat people out of their munny to fund a treasure-hunting expedition," said Rikku.

Selphie threw back her head and laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. The three friends exchanged disturbed glances. Rai tried to gnaw his chain off. Abruptly Selphie stopped laughing and squealed shrilly. "Squeal! Arr Oh Tee Eff Ell Em Ay Oh, that is toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny, Ell Oh Ell!" She bowed sharply. "Welp, have fun doing that, Rai and I are going to go have a tea party. Aren't we Rai?"

Rai's eyes widened in terror. His face paled. His body started shaking in fear. "N-n-no…NO! Ya know! Not the tea party, p-p-p-_please_, _anything_ but the TEA PARTY, YA KNOW!"

Selphie giggled. "You're so silly, boyfriend." She yanked hard on his chain, nearly tearing Rai's head off, then turned and walked away. "Let's go home now, we have a frilly dress with your name written on it…in _mayonnaise._"

Rai dug his chipped and broken fingernails into the sidewalk to try and resist Selphie's pull, giving the two fairies and one human a desperate look. "Please…PLEASE…for the love of humanity, do something, ya know! I can't take much more of this, ya know! I've seen things that NO MORTAL MAN SHOULD SEE, YA KNOW! _For the love of God, HELP ME, ya know!"_

Selphie tugged harder on Rai's chain, grunting with exertion as she pulled him away from the group, his fingernails digging deep furrows into the pavement as she dragged him away. "Silly boyfriend…you're…going to make us late…for 'Dora the Explorer meets the Teletubbies and DIES!'"

"NOOOO, ya know! NOOOO, ya know! Somebody, anybody, please, _help me!_" Rai screamed as Selphie dragged him down the sidewalk and around a corner. "…Ya know!"

The trio looked after the poor, broken man, eyes wide in horror. Wakka looked down at his pants and thought for a moment that he had wet himself in fright, but then realized that his ice cream had just melted and dripped onto his clothing. "Yikes," he said.

Rikku swallowed. "R-remind me, why has nobody done anything to help that guy?"

Paine shook her head slowly. "Because anyone who's tried to was never seen again."

Wakka nodded. "The neighbors say the screaming never ends at Selphie's house. You know, I'm _really_ glad you haven't tried to off me by making me go there."

Paine shook her head. "Even I have limits." Then she shoved him off the sidewalk and into an open manhole in the street.

"Waaaaaa!" Wakka screamed as he plummeted down into the sewers.

Rikku frowned. "Why'd you do that? I thought you said you had limits!"

"I did," Paine agreed. "They don't include shoving my fiancé down an open manhole."

"Help, there's crocodiles down here!" Wakka shouted from the manhole. There was a pause. "…And they're apparently fans of Tidus' dad and want to know if I can get them an autograph since I'm best friends with his dad's son." There was another pause. "Oh, and some cheeseburgers. They don't get much quality food down here."

Rikku raised an eyebrow. Paine shook her head in disbelief. "I don't believe this…"

Rikku chuckled. "Never a dull moment in this place, huh?" She shook her collection plate. "So, got any munny to spare?"

…

"One, two, three, four…five pieces!" Sora said, triumphantly pulling the paopu fruit he had just split into five pieces, which he then distributed to his friends. Two pieces were given to Kairi, two pieces were kept for himself, and the fifth (and largest) piece was given to Riku. "That should be enough for all of us."

_What about me?_ Xehanort whined.

Riku rolled his eyes. "I thought you didn't want to be part of this."

_Well, no…but I hate being left out!_ Xehanort complained.

_Whiner,_ Roxas sneered.

_Shut up…_ Xehanort pouted.

The group of friends was sitting on the beach of the playground island as the sun set off on the horizon. To the average observer, it would only look as if there were three people there, but one who could see spirits would have noticed that each of the teenagers had a transparent 'other' sitting next to them, though only two of the 'others' resembled their solid companions in the slightest, the third looked like a rather aloof and quite nefarious man in need of a haircut. _How's this supposed to work again?_ Namine asked, looking at the piece of fruit in her 'sister's' hands.

"It's pretty simple. By eating pieces of the same paopu, we're binding our destinies together," Kairi explained. "Lovers always eat them at the conclusion…or, sometimes before...a wedding."

_Then we're going to get…mass-married or something?_ Namine asked.

"Maybe someday, but not right now," Sora said.

_Yeah, I don't think even I'm ready for that just yet…_ Roxas muttered.

"It's not just for marriage, though," Riku said. "By sharing the fruit, we're basically strengthening the bond which holds us all together. We're affirming that the five of us will always be a part of each other's lives, no matter what happens, forever and ever. Even if one of us got married to somebody else-"

"Fat chance," Kairi muttered. Sora nodded.

"We'll still always have a special connection that binds us together as wielders of the Keyblade and heroes of the Realm of Light," Riku continued.

_Don't you already have one of those?_ Asked a puzzled Xehanort. _Like a destiny thing?_

"Well, yeah, but now we're gonna make it stronger. And more official," Sora said.

_Ah, _said Xehanort. _But why can't I be a part of it, then?!_

Everyone sighed in exasperation. _Because none of us want to be bound to a darkness-obsessed psycho like you, dipshit!_ Roxas snapped.

_Oh, and a sex-crazed cold-blooded killer is any better?!_ Xehanort shot back.

_I thought you didn't want to be a part of this,_ said a confused Namine.

_I don't,_ admitted Xehanort. _But you guys didn't even ask me before deciding to go ahead with this! That's not very nice!_ They rolled their eyes and ignored him.

_Right, so, just checking, this ISN'T a marriage thing, right?_ Roxas asked, wanting to be absolutely positive.

"Well…it's SORT of like a marriage, but without the ceremony," Sora admitted. "I mean, it's more of a way to mystically bind the destinies of the five of us together, though I guess that also counts as a sort of marriage. We'll probably do something like this again in a more ceremonial setting some day, just not right now."

_Oh,_ said Roxas, somewhat confused. _So…we ARE getting married then? Does that mean I can't sleep with other women anymore?_

_ROXAS!_ Namine shouted.

_Not that I'd want to or anything,_ Roxas said quickly. _Just, you know, wondering._

Riku shrugged. "Well, I've been dating those demons whose summoning spells I got at Maleficent's wedding, and I intend to keep doing that…as long as it's okay with the rest of you, that is…but I think you'd need both Sora and Namine's permission before you can do anything like that."

_Which he certainly does not have,_ Namine snarled.

"Definitely not, not while I've still got half this body," Sora agreed.

_You know, if you let me use Acrossing Two more that wouldn't be a problem…_ Roxas grumbled, subsiding.

"That's exactly why I _don't_ let you use it more…" Sora muttered in reply.

"Riku, are you sure it's a good idea for you to be dating…and sleeping with…those demonesses?" Kairi asked skeptically.

"Don't worry," Riku said reassuringly. "I always remember to use protection."

Kairi narrowed her eyes. "…What _kind_ of protection?"

Xehanort shuddered. _You don't want to know._

"It's sort of funny how, since we got home, it seems like everything's been leading up to this, hasn't it?" Sora remarked, changing the subject. "I mean, we get home from one wedding and find that a bunch of our friends are in relationships and going to get married someday soon too! I guess it's only fitting that we're going to do it as well…"

"We also found a bunch of other stuff …" Riku said, fondly reminiscing.

Kairi nodded. "Like how those Gullwing fairies crash-landed almost immediately after we left and got in a wild adventure with Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, and Sora's mom that resulted in them battling a group of evil fairies, rescuing some the region's most precious cultural artifacts, and saving the islands from both Yiazmat the Undying and a giant robot toilet with the help of the Crusaders, after which Tidus and Yuna and Wakka and Paine accidentally/on purpose shared paopu fruits, and then our friends (and enemies) from Twilight Town crashed and they had another (albeit much shorter) adventure until we showed up and agreed to take them home later that week (letting Seifer get locked up and Rai get captured by Selphie in the process), except for the Gullwings, who decided they were going to stay on the island for a while for vacation and to get to know their new boyfriends better?"

_Wow, how'd you say all that in one breath?_ Asked an amazed Namine.

_Man, who knew all that stuff would happen the minute we left the island? _Roxas complained. _I can't believe we missed all that!_

_Yes, that Yiazmat would have made a most excellent Heartless,_ Xehanort agreed. Everyone else shuddered at the thought.

_It'll be nice to have the Gullwings around_, Namine commented. _Now we have some girls who aren't either insane or hopelessly head-over-heels in lust with Riku to talk to!_

"Though I think having _two_ goth girls like Paine and Lulu around is a little too much for one island," Kairi admitted. "Though I'm surprised there's little to no resentment between them for Paine sort of accidentally taking Wakka from Lulu."

Sora frowned. "Wasn't she already with his brother Chappu at the time?"

Roxas shook his head. _Those guys were in one heck of a weird relationship…thank goodness it's over. Of course, I guess _our_ relationship is even weirder…_

_Tell me about it,_ grumbled Xehanort.

_I thought you weren't part of it,_ said a confused Namine.

_Oh, shut up…_ the seeker of darkness grumbled.

Riku smirked. "Heh, yeah, that was crazy…but it wasn't what I was talking about. I meant what happened when each of us got back to our homes…I bet none of us were expecting what we found, right?"

_Ha! You can say THAT again…_ said Roxas as he, and everyone else, started remembering what had happened.

_A few weeks ago, mere hours after returning from the wedding…_

Kairi walked through the front door of her (rather extravagant) mansion. "Mom, Dad, I'm home!"

"Kairi!" Kairi's mother cried, rushing down the stairs from the second floor. "Where have you been?! You've been missing for the entire weekend! We've been worried sick about you!"

Kairi winced. "Mom, I can explain-" she started.

"Good, because I hope you can also explain _this_," Kairi's mother said, throwing open the door to the sitting room and revealing that it was jam-packed full of packages and crates of all shapes and sizes, with trendy and exotic clothes scattered all over the place and strewn on top of incredibly expensive-looking electronic goodies and what appeared to be a hovercar and a one-person Gummi ship sitting in a corner of the room. Kairi's eyes almost bulged out of their sockets at the sight of all that merchandise.

_Oh my,_ Namine said faintly.

Kairi's mother glanced at her daughter pointedly. "All of this showed up for you in the mail earlier today. Would you care to explain where it all came from, young lady…and how you _paid_ for it all?"

Kairi ground her teeth and clenched her fists, swearing that she was going to kill Yuffie the next time she saw her.

Meanwhile, at Riku's house…

"Mom, Dad, I'm home!" Riku said as he walked through the front door, which for some reason had been locked and had CONDEMNED spray-painted over it.

There was no response. The house was silent, empty, dark, and rather dusty. _There's nobody here,_ Xehanort observed. _And most of the furniture is gone._

"So it is," Riku agreed. Somewhat puzzled, he walked from empty room to empty room, noticing that all the chairs, tables, bookcases, picture frames, and everything else he had grown familiar and used to in the home he'd lived in since the day he was born were absent. Even the television was gone.

As he entered the kitchen (noticing, as he did so, that the refrigerator was gone too) he saw a piece of paper sitting on a countertop, looking forlorn and abandoned. Riku picked it up and gave it a quick look-over. "Hey, it's from my parents!"

_Perhaps it explains where they are and what's happened to the house?_ Xehanort suggested.

"Could be," Riku agreed. He began to read it. "'Dear Son: We don't know where you vanished to for the last couple of days, and honestly, we don't care. Some things we're happier not knowing. But we decided to take opportunity of your unexplained absence to sell most of our belongings and move to the mainland. We considered burning the house down too, but decided we felt obligated to let you keep it, since you're our son. It's all yours now. We left no forwarding address so that you will never be able to find us or unleash your minions of darkness upon our heads. Please make no attempt to locate or call us, because we'd rather not talk to you. Ever. Enjoy the House! Love, your parents.'" Riku glanced up. "Cool, now I finally have a place of my own!"

_There's a postscript,_ Xehanort added.

"Huh? Oh. 'P.S. We burned all of your things to get rid of their demonic possession. Sorry.' What?!" Riku crumpled the note up angrily and destroyed it with a burst of Dark Firaga. "I don't believe this! Those assholes! Ugh!"

_If you'd let me, I could summon the Heartless and send them to track down and devour your parents…_ Xehanort offered sinisterly.

Riku almost considered this for about five seconds before rejecting it. "Nah. It's not like I had anything that valuable, anyway. And now I can redecorate! Bet Kairi and Namine'd love to help…so long as they don't make the place too girly."

_Yes…_ Xehanort agreed with a shudder. _Pink does not suit the abode of the future ruler of all darkness._

"Are you talking about me, or yourself?" Riku asked.

_I don't really care, so long as they don't make anything pink, _Xehanort said petulantly.

Meanwhile, at Sora's house…

"Mom, I'm home!" Sora said, walking through the front door of the lighthouse.

"Oh good, Sora, I was expecting you!" Darlene Hikari, currently wearing an apron and oven mitts, said as she pulled a big delicious-smelling chocolate cake out of the oven. "And I baked you a cake to welcome you home, your favorite!"

_Cool!_ Said an eager Roxas.

"Oh boy!" Sora cheered happily. He paused. "Wait…how did you know I was going to be home by now?!"

"I'm your mother dear, it's my business to know these things, and not because I'm a reincarnated sun goddess hiding out in the guise of a human or anything like that," she said enigmatically as she placed the cake down on a kitchen counter to cool. "Now then, tell me, where exactly have you been?"

Sora winced. "Uhh…I sorta got kidnapped and was taken to my worst enemy's wedding, and I would have been home sooner except that a mad Fae Lord abducted most of the guests, including Kairi and Riku, and tried to absorb all magic in the universe, and I had to go out and stop him before he drank up too much and blew up the galaxy."

"Ahhh, I see," Darlene said, nodding as she shed her oven mitts and apron. "Well then, I guess I won't ground you, since you really had no control over the circumstances…_this_ time, anyway." She frowned sternly at her son. "You have an awful lot of homework to catch up on, though. You didn't finish last week's before you left! I know I've raised you to be a hero, son, but you know as well as I do that your education is still important, and I won't accept your needing to save the universe as a valid excuse for missing out on finishing your schoolwork! Your teachers certainly won't…"

Sora nodded. "Yes Mom."

She smiled suddenly and hugged her son. "That can wait, though. Right now, I'm just happy to have you back, and not sleeping for a whole year again."

"Me too, Mom," Sora said, hugging his mother back.

_Sora, show her our new trick, I want that cake!_ Roxas said eagerly.

_You were going to get some anyway, I was going to swap halfway while eating as usual,_ Sora replied to his brother.

_I don't care, I wanna show her,_ Roxas insisted. _And maybe she'll bake a new cake just for me!_

Sora rather doubted that, but truthfully he wanted to show his mother his new Keyblade too, to see how she would react if for no other reason. "Mom, while I was gone, I picked up a new keychain," he told Darlene, letting go of her. "It's really cool! I've gotta show you what it does!"

"It's not going to blow up the kitchen again like that last one, is it?" Darlene asked warily.

"No!" Sora said quickly. "Er, at least I don't think it will." Before he could think about it too much, he summoned his Keyblade and attached the Acrossing Two keychain. There was a flash of light, and suddenly he split apart into Roxas and Antisora.

"Hey mom!" Roxas said, waving cheerfully.

Darlene gasped. "Oh my!"

Sora cringed on all fours. "Mom, it's okay, I know I'm a Heartless right now, but I'm still-"

"Adorable!" Darlene cooed, scratching Sora behind the ears and causing him to gasp and fall on his rump, purring happily as she petted him. One part of his mind was somewhat resentful that absolutely nobody seemed to be afraid of his Heartless self, while another part told him to shut up and enjoy being petted, since it felt _sooooo_ good. "Aren't you just the cutest little darkling? Roxas, that cake is not ready yet and is meant for the both of you, lay one finger on it and I'll cut it off."

"Yipe!" Roxas quickly drew his hand back from the chocolate cake, which he had snuck into the kitchen to try and eat while his mother wasn't looking.

Darlene stopped petting Sora (much to his disappointment) and moved into the kitchen to hug Roxas. "And Roxas…now you've got your own body! Well, for temporary periods of times, and you and your brother probably shouldn't be outdoors at the same time in public--not unless we can find a way to cleverly disguise Sora's Heartless features, that is—but still, this is wonderful! Now I can finally hold both my baby boys at once!" She let go of Roxas with one arm and used it to grab Sora as he scampered into the room, hugging the both of them. "My two brave sons…"

The twins flushed. "Aw, mom…" Sora said, embarrassed.

"Can I have the cake now?" Roxas asked bluntly.

They did. It was delicious, though they made a bit of a mess of the kitchen fighting over the last piece of the cake. After yelling at them, whacking them on the heads with a spoon, and making them clean everything up, Darlene said, "A lot of interesting things have happened while you were gone, boys. I suppose you heard about the little adventure we had with Yiazmat and the LeBlanc syndicate?"

Sora and Roxas nodded. "Yeah, we heard it straight from the source!" Sora said.

Roxas pouted. "Too bad I wasn't around. I bet I could've taken that Yiazmat and Toilenator thing on my own…"

"No, you couldn't have," Darlene said cheerfully. Roxas glared at her.

"And I'm amazed that Tidus and Wakka are engaged now, even if it was sort of an accident. Feel horrible for that guy Selphie's with, though…" Sora said sympathetically.

"Yeah, well, what can you do?" Roxas asked, not really caring about Rai. "At least that crazy bitch isn't interested in Tidus anymore. Or us. And, wow! I can't believe my buds from Twilight Town are here!" He paused. His face fell. "Except that they aren't actually my buds, those people never existed and were just computer programs in a big simulation DiZ locked me up in that was based off the real Twilight Town. I bet if I introduced myself to them now, they wouldn't even recognize me…"

"Good," said Darlene. Both her sons gave her horrified looks. "Now you can build a brand-new relationship with them from the ground up. That's good, isn't it?"

Roxas blinked in surprise. "I…yeah…yeah, I guess it is, isn't it?"

"And if that doesn't work, you can always get Namine to change their memories so that they think they've always known you," Sora joked.

"Hmm…that could work…" Roxas murmured, actually considering that.

Darlene frowned. "Sora! You should know better than to give your brother ideas like that!"

"Sorry mom," Sora said apologetically.

"Anyway, as you are no doubt already aware, things have changed a little while you were gone," Darlene said. "Tidus and Wakka now have new live-in girlfriends, though it's taking their families some time to accept, Selphie has a new boy-toy…literally, sad to say…the Crusaders are going to build a big monument to the soldiers who died fighting the Toilenator on the other side of the island, which should help bring in more revenue for the town…and the kids from Twilight Town are trying (rather poorly) not to make it look like they're tourists from another world, but your friends are doing their best to help keep them from acting too inconspicuous." She frowned. "Though that Qu of theirs isn't really helping matters. Her husband doesn't seem to be very capable of keeping her appetite under control, sad to say."

"We ran into them on the way here," Sora said. "We promised we'd take them home after we'd gotten settled back in and explained everything to our folks."

"Though how we're going to do that without Quina eating our ship, I have no idea," Roxas muttered.

"And there's one other big change that might affect you boys directly," Darlene finished. "You see…I've decided to start dating."

The Hikari brothers gave their mother a stunned look. "Dating?!" they cried.

"But Mom, you haven't dated in…um…" Sora wracked his brains for a moment, trying to remember the last time his mother had ever gone out on a date. Much to his astonishment, he couldn't think of a single instance. "Ever…"

Darlene shrugged. "Then now's as good a time as any to start, don't you think?"

"I…suppose…" said an uncertain Sora.

"So who's the lucky guy?" Roxas asked.

They were answered when the front door opened and a familiar one-eyed man in a long red cloak with an arm in a sling and a large nodachi sword resting over his shoulder entered the room. "Honey, I'm home," he said. Sora and Roxas' jaws dropped.

"Welcome back, dear," Darlene said, getting up to greet Auron. "Look, my sons have come home!"

Auron frowned sternly at Sora and Roxas. "Well, it's about time, you two. Your mother's been worried about you!" He glanced at Sora. "And Sora, why are you a Heartless?"

"Uh, side effect of splitting with my brother. It can't be helped," stammered a confused Sora.

"Dude, what are _you_ doing here?" asked an equally confused Roxas.

"Well, I was visiting Jecht and Tidus when I got caught up in the whole adventure involving Yiazmat, the LeBlanc Syndicate, and the giant robot toilet which I'm sure you've already heard about from other people several times. After that I decided I'd stay in town for a while, and maybe spend some time with your mother. It seems to have been working out well so far," said Auron.

Darlene nodded. "Yes, it certainly has."

"Ah," said Roxas.

Sora fidgeted uneasily. "Uh, Mom, you _are_ aware that Auron's sort of…er…"

"Dead?" Darlene finished.

"I prefer the term 'life-impaired'," Auron said.

"Isn't that necrophilia?" Roxas asked. Auron glared at him. Roxas wilted under that sharp one-eyed gaze, and Roxas didn't wilt easily. "Er, never mind."

"I suppose it depends on your definition of 'dead' or 'necrophilia,'" Darlene admitted. "But Auron certainly walks, talks, and eats like a living man, so I don't think it really counts in this case." She smiled. "And that's not _all_ he does like a living man…"

Sora and Roxas turned green. "I really didn't need to know that," Sora whimpered.

"Definitely," Roxas agreed.

"Yes, he certainly gives footrubs better than most living men I know," Darlene continued. Auron chuckled at the dumbfounded looks on the Hikari boys' faces.

"So, uh, Auron, I guess that means you're going to be staying with us for a while," Sora said uncertainly, changing the subject.

Auron nodded. "That's right, I am. And boys…while I'm living here, I think I should have a word with you about your grades…" His good eye narrowed and he took his sword off his shoulder. "They're _very_ disappointing…."

The twins exchanged terrified looks with each other as Auron loomed over them, wondering why their mom couldn't have decided to date the local grocer instead.

_Back in the present…_

"Having an undead warrior for a father-in-law is one weird experience, let me tell you," Sora said, shaking his head. "What I _still_ can't understand is how he can shower and walk around without smelling like a rotting corpse…"

_He's not our father-in-law,_ Roxas said indignantly.

_Yet,_ Namine pointed out.

"At least you guys _have_ loving, caring parents," Riku said. He didn't sound particularly bitter or envious, it was just an observation he was making.

Kairi gave Riku a sympathetic look. "Riku…" She reached out for his shoulder. Sora took his other one.

Riku shook his head and smiled at his friends. "It's no big deal. You guys know that my parents and I have never…you know, clicked. I've always thought of Sora's mom as being like a second mother to me, anyway. And aside from that…the two of you are the only family I've ever needed anyway." The trio smiled.

_Awww,_ Namine gushed.

_Blech,_ said a disgusted Roxas and Xehanort.

"And we're going to make that family official by sharing this fruit, right?" Sora said.

Riku nodded. "Definitely."

"Of course," Kairi said.

_I'd love to_, said Namine.

_I'm not really too keen on being married or related to Riku, but…hell, why not?_ Said Roxas. _If it'll help me sleep with Namine sooner. In the flesh._ Sora winced, and Namine giggled.

"You sure you want out on this, Xehanort?" Riku asked jokingly. "Last chance."

_Pah! I have no interest in being a part of your family…besides I'm already bound to you lot by destiny already, what with my being trapped inside Riku's body and how we will inevitably battle again for the fate of the universe,_ Xehanort scoffed. _I will win, of course._

"Yeah, right," Riku said skeptically.

"Not gonna happen," Sora agreed.

_No way in hell,_ said Roxas.

"Never," added Kairi.

_Not while we're around, anyway,_ finished Namine.

_Bah! Darkness shall conquer all worlds!_ Xehanort declared. Since he said this every ten minutes or so, they paid no attention to him.

"So, we ready to do this?" Sora asked the others.

Kairi nodded. "Definitely."

_Of course._

"I was born to do this," Riku joked.

_Well, if I have to,_ Roxas said nonchalantly.

And with that, the trio of Sora, Kairi, and Riku swallowed their pieces of paopu. Well, Sora and Kairi did anyway, Riku ate half of his piece since it was the largest, waited for his friends to swap places with their Others, then finished the rest of his piece at the same time they ate theirs. After they had finished, the sextet sat there for a moment as they digested the fruit, feeling the cool breeze from the ocean washing over them. "I don't feel any different," Roxas said, somewhat puzzled and actually sounding slightly disappointed. "What a gyp!"

"No, wait," Namine said. "Don't you feel something deep down? A sort of…warm tugging sensation, connecting the five of us? In our hearts?"

Roxas rolled his eyes. "I don't have a heart, babe. Nobody, remember?"

_Uh, you have mine,_ Sora pointed out.

"Oh. Right." Roxas screwed up his face in concentration. After a moment, he blinked in surprise. "Whoa. Hey, I _do_ feel it. This is…weird. I feel a lot…closer to everyone all of a sudden. Even…Riku?!" He gawked at the silver-haired boy in astonishment. "Holy crap, I…I don't think I hate you anymore!"

Riku's eyes widened in amazement. "Really? Wow. Guess it worked, then."

_I had no idea it was this powerful…_ said Kairi, equally amazed.

"No fair! I _want_ to hate you!" Roxas complained. "I'm used to it! This totally blows, man! Oh well, at least I still have you to hate," he commented to Xehanort.

_Thank you! I think…_ said a confused Xehanort.

"I love this new feeling," Namine commented. "I've always felt like we all belonged together, but now…it feels so much more…_real,_ doesn't it?" She wrapped her arms against Roxas and rubbed her head against his shoulder, eyes closed in bliss. "It's _wonderful._"

Roxas gave her a disturbed look, and then shot Riku a warning glare. "I swear, if you even think about doing that, I'll gut you."

Riku grinned. With an invitation like that, how could he possibly refuse? "Well, if you insist…" He got up and started walking towards Roxas.

The Nobody's eyes widened in horror. "No. NO! Oh no you don't, get away from me!" Roxas tried to summon his Keyblade, but his arms were pinned to his side by Namine's hug, making it difficult to use his weapon, and he found himself unable to dislodge his girlfriend no matter _how _hard he tried to shake her off. "No. No! NOOOOOOO!" he screamed as Riku hugged him and started rubbing his other shoulder with his head. He even made _purring_ noises! Roxas turned as red as Axel's hair with embarrassment and fury as Kairi and his brother laughed at him. He was going to make Riku pay for this. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so humiliated…well, except for that one time when Xigbar had hung him by his underwear from one of the tallest towers in the castle. Man, his private parts had stung for _weeks_ after that wedgie…

Xehanort shook his head incredulously. _The lot of you are insane. Completely and totally insane. I'll be glad when the darkness finally consumes you all._

Their enjoyment at Roxas' expense abruptly came to an end when a bottle with a letter bearing the Disney crest washed onto shore. There was a tense moment as the six looked at the piece of flotsam in surprise and quite a bit of trepidation. _Uh-oh,_ said a worried Kairi. _What now?_

Riku let go of Roxas. "This can't be good," he muttered.

Roxas shook Namine off of him then switched back with his brother, but not before punching Riku hard in the face. Sora gave his friend an apologetic look as he helped him back to his feet, and then anxiously walked over to the bottle lying in the nearby sand as the waves kept washing over it. He looked at it for a second, wondering if maybe they could just pretend they hadn't seen it and throw it back out to sea. Roxas certainly seemed to think that was the right idea. Sora sighed, knowing almost at once that that certainly would _not_ be the right thing to do, especially if Roxas thought it was. So, reluctantly, with his friends watching from a safe distance (the cowards) he picked up the bottle, held it out at arm's reach, pulled out the cork and shook out the letter inside. He tensed and cringed back reflexively as he broke the seal and unfurled it, half-expecting some evil spell of Maleficent's to fly out at him and melt his face off…

And was surprised by what he found instead. "Hey, this really _is_ from the King! And…" He burst into laughter.

"What is it?" his friends asked, looking startled.

Sora grinned and turned to his friends, holding out the letter. "We're being invited to Donald and Daisy's wedding."

Riku's eyes widened. He snatched the letter from Sora. "No way!"

_Impossible!_ Cried a stunned Xehanort.

Kairi shook her head in amazement. "I didn't think they'd _ever_ get married!"

"Me neither," Sora agreed. "I bet he's not too happy about this, either."

_She's probably blackmailing him,_ Roxas said with a sure nod. _Yep, blackmail. That's gotta be it._

Namine rolled her eyes. _Why must you always be so unromantic?_

Roxas scowled. _What? Donald's not the kind of guy who'd be happy to commit! You know that as well as I do!_

_Well, maybe he changed his mind,_ Namine suggested. Sora, Roxas, Kairi, Riku, and even Xehanort burst into laughter at that thought. Namine flushed. _Okay, maybe not…_

"So, when's the wedding?" Kairi asked Riku.

"It's not for another few months," the silver-haired boy reported. "So we have plenty of time to arrange excuses and convince our parents to let us go. As long as nothing else comes up between now and then, we should be good to go."

As if on cue, another bottle washed up onto the beach. The friends stared at it in disbelief. _What the fuck?!_ Roxas cried.

"Two in one day?!" Riku asked, equally startled.

Sora frowned and summoned his Keyblade. "This one doesn't have the King's seal on it…it might be a trap!" He smashed the bottle with his weapon and immediately hopped backwards in anticipation of an explosive backlash. When nothing happened, he warily stepped a little closer and poked the piece of paper lying in the sand and broken glass with the tip of his Keyblade, flipping it over and revealing its contents. Sora blinked in astonishment. "…It's another wedding invitation."

Kairi and Riku's jaws dropped. "What?! Whose?!" Kairi demanded.

"Aladdin and Jasmine. They'd like us to come to their wedding," Sora said, rubbing his eyes and blinking a few times to make sure they weren't seeing things. Abruptly, another bottle washed up near his right foot. As everyone gawked, Sora picked it up and pulled out the letter inside. "And this one's _also_ a wedding invitation. From Jack and Sally in Halloweentown."

Everyone exchanged glances. "That's going to be an…interesting wedding…" Kairi said after a moment.

_Let's hope to God Jack doesn't kidnap the Wedding Fairy or whoever the hell represents marriages…_ Roxas muttered.

_Actually, I believe that would be Hera,_ Xehanort commented.

They all looked at him in disbelief. "Hera? As in, Hera, wife of Zeus, one of the biggest philanderers and pedophiles in the universe? _She's_ the goddess of marriage?!" asked a stunned Kairi.

Xehanort shrugged. _The Greeks are big on irony._

Another bottle washed up on shore. The sextet grimaced. "Ten to one it's another wedding invitation," said Riku.

_That's a sucker's bet,_ said Roxas. _You're on._

Sora opened it. "Yep. This one's from Adam and Belle."

Riku looked surprised. "They're inviting me too? Even though I'm the guy who kidnapped Belle and beat up the Beast a bit?"

Sora checked the letter again. "Apparently." Riku shook his head in amazement.

_I guess they've forgiven you,_ Namine said brightly.

_Or forgotten it's your fault,_ Roxas added, equally brightly.

Another bottle washed up. The group sighed. _This is getting bothersome,_ Xehanort grumbled.

"Not to mention environmentally destructive," said an alarmed Kairi. "They're throwing all this trash into our water!"

Sora opened the bottle. He did a double-take. "This one's for…the wedding of Vayne and Ashe! You know, those rulers from Ivalice!"

Riku blinked. "Don't they hate each other?"

_They do. It's probably just political,_ Roxas said.

Namine sighed in exasperation. _How can you possibly know that? For all you know, they might have fallen in love and decided to end their stupid war because they love each other too much to fight anymore!_

_You're too optimistic for your own good,_ Roxas said bluntly. _And wrong._

"I think he might be right…" Kairi said apologetically. "Sorry."

Namine sulked. _Why doesn't anybody ever take my side?!_

Fortunately, nobody had to answer that as a whopping _three_ bottles all washed up on the beach at once. The friends exchanged incredulous looks. "This is getting ridiculous," muttered Riku as he picked up and opened one of the bottles. "This one's an invitation to the wedding of Centurio Clan Leader Montblanc of the Moogle Merchant's Guild and Commander Shara of the Trade Federation Army."

_What?! That shrimpy Moogle gets to score with an uber-hotty like that Viera?! So unfair…_ groaned Roxas.

_I'd scold you, if it weren't for the fact that she is rather…attractive…_ Namine agreed reluctantly, flushing in embarrassment.

Sora opened the second bottle. "This one is an invitation to the _double_ wedding of…Drakken and Shego and Duke Igthorn and Lady Bane?!" They all looked at each other in disbelief, then simultaneously shivered in disgust.

_I thought Bane hated Igthorn_, said Xehanort. _With good reason._

_Love potion,_ Roxas said shortly, before Namine could say anything sappy. She scowled.

"And this one is an invitation to the wedding of some guy called Jake Long…and his own reflection?" Kairi raised an eye in confusion. "Okay…"

"How does that work?" asked a confused Sora.

_It's easy, you just need to take a guy who loves himself more than anything else, set him up with a mirror, and voila,_ said Roxas. _You know, I hear that meerkat pal of yours, Timon, once married a picture of himself._

"Ah," said Sora.

"What the heck is a meerkat, anyway?" Riku asked. The six looked at each other for answers, and then shrugged, not knowing the answer.

_Not even I know,_ Xehanort admitted.

"I thought the darkness knew all things," Kairi joked.

_Sileeeeeeeeeeence!_

Another bottle washed onto shore. And another. And another. And there were even more bobbing towards them, carried towards the island by the waves from further out to sea. The group looked out at the dozens and dozens of bottles, each of which was carrying a letter, floating towards them in dismay. "Who wants to bet that _every single one_ of those bottles has a wedding invitation?" Riku asked after a moment.

_That's a sucker's bet,_ said Roxas. _I'll take it!_

Kairi shook her head in amazement. "Wow…guess we're not the only ones who've been feeling inspired to get married lately."

_In the aftermath of a big wedding, it's natural for everyone to try and have one that's just as good, if not better,_ Roxas said reasonably. _Keeping up with the Joneses, you know._

_Who are the Joneses?_ Namine asked.

_I have no idea,_ Roxas admitted.

Sora frowned. "What I _really_ want to know is how the heck all these people know our address! Because if this many people, some of whom we only _barely _know, were able to send us these things, then sooner or later we're going to get tons of junk mail and coupons and magazine subscriptions for things we don't want and would never need!"

Kairi nodded in understanding. "Yeah, we get tons of that stuff all the time at my house. My mom's rather addicted to coupon-clipping."

_We got crap like that by the truckload,_ Roxas complained. _Which is weird, since almost none of our other mail was _EVER_ able to find its way to the Castle that Never Was._

"Even DiZ got some of it, and he specifically pulled his abandoned mansion off the mailing lists," Riku agreed.

_Riku, if you granted me the power, I could dispatch some Heartless to track down the source of all junk mail in the universe and destroy it forever!_ Xehanort offered.

Namine raised an eyebrow._ But wouldn't you be doing everyone a favor?_

_Yes, but I hate junk mail,_ Xehanort snarled in reply.

Sora sighed. "Oh well…I guess we'd better get started on all this stuff, then, and decide which weddings we're going to and which ones we aren't. How the heck are we gonna break this to our parents? Er, those of us that have parents, I mean? There's no way they're gonna let us miss _this_ much school…"

Riku shrugged. "We'll figure something out." He smirked. "Good thing _our_ wedding's not gonna be for a good long time, right guys?"

"Right," Sora, Roxas, and Xehanort agreed.

"Hmm," said Kairi and Namine.

The four men gave each other worried glances, and then looked at Kairi. "Right?!" they all said, a little louder.

The girls blinked. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Of course."

_Sure thing,_ said Namine.

Kairi clapped her hands together. "Now, let's start getting all this garbage out of the water and sort it all out, okay?" She waded into the water and started picking up bottles, humming the Wedding March as she worked. The four men gave each other terrified looks, suddenly gripped by a nameless sense of dread.

…

Three golden-armored figures stood in the middle of a crossroads in a desert littered with fallen Keyblades; a veritable Keyblade graveyard stretching as far as the eye could see. The three figures stood as still as statues as the wind blew by, stirring up dust and causing their capes to flutter in the breeze. They paid the wind no heed.

Off in the distance, another figure appeared, walking towards them down one of the paths cutting through the thousands of dead Keyblades. He, too, seemed unaffected by the dust and wind of the desert, even as they tugged at his robes and long hair. As the figure came closer, his features became clearer; he was a very tall, very old man with a great gray beard, intense eyes set over an aquiline nose, and the long blue robes of a master magician. The old man stopped in his tracks when he was only a few feet away from the three armored figures. His lined face creased as he broke into a grin. "Terra. Aqua. Ven."

The figures kneeled respectfully before the wizard. "Master Yen Sid," Terra said. "It has been too long."

"Looking good for a dead guy," Ven joked. "Much better than we do under all this armor." Aqua punched him in the shoulder. "Ow! What? He does!"

"Ah…so I am dead. I had presumed as much," Yen Sid said with a nod, his suspicions confirmed. "Though I suppose it was to be expected, considering how Oberon annihilated my moon. It was fortunate that I was able to send away all the power and knowledge I had accumulated over the years before he arrived…it will serve my successor well, when the time comes for him to use it."

"Master, I do not mean to presume, but…are you certain it was a good idea to give your power to…_him?_ I mean he is…well…" Aqua swallowed. "You _know_ who he is."

Yen Sid sighed and nodded. "Yes, Aqua. I know who and what he is."

"Then…why'd you give your stuff to him instead of, I dunno, Mickey?" Ven asked.

Yen Sid shook his head and looked away, off into the distance. "Mickey already has more than enough troubles on his shoulders. I do not wish to burden him with my legacy…it could very well crush him, with all the other responsibilities he has."

"But still," Ven persisted. "Why _him?!_ You know what he's capable of, you know what he did, you _know_ what he might do again!"

Terra frowned at Ven under his helmet. "Ven, the Master no doubt has his reasons."

Yen Sid shrugged. "Call it a foolish old man's hope for peace…he knows nothing of whom and what he once was. I had a…feeling of sorts that naming him my successor might turn him into the very opposite of what he once was…a great hero and mage fighting for good, rather than evil."

"That's all well and good, but…how do you know the power will not go to his head and make him…_that_ again?" Aqua questioned.

Yen Sid smiled and turned back to the Chasers. "I don't. However…this time, he has friends. And time and again, friendship has proven itself to be all that is needed to make a difference." He brushed some dust off his sleeves. "But enough of that, I am dead, and I am Master no more. There is no need for you to kneel before me; you have far more experience and seniority in this place than I. Now that I am here, what would you have me do?"

The three Keyblade Knights rose to their feet. "As I am sure you are no doubt aware, the actions which Sora took to defeat Oberon were what was necessary at the time, but…we are still suffering the repercussions of that incident," Terra said.

"Even though all the worlds and magic Oberon destroyed have been restored, the energy wave which Sora unleashed to free all the sealed power has…contaminated it. Not in a bad way, mind you," Aqua said quickly. "But we fear that the situation will deteriorate quickly if nothing is done about it."

Yen Sid raised an eyebrow. "What exactly is the problem?"

Ven sighed. "Well, it's like this… because Sora used the Keyblade to release (and resurrect) living beings, we believe that he may have inadvertently planted seeds in their hearts. Seeds which might, in time, give them the power to wield Keyblades…"

"Which could, in turn, lead to another Keyblade War," Terra said gravely. "You know as well as I that such a catastrophe cannot be allowed to happen again."

Yen Sid nodded in comprehension. "I understand completely…what can I do to prevent this cataclysm from occurring?"

"We may be Kingdom Hearts' chosen defenders and champions, but even we sometimes need help doing the things we do," Aqua explained. "As powerful as we are, we cannot be everywhere we need to be at once."

"Which is lame," Ven grumbled.

"Many of those who have passed on but choose for whatever reason to not yet enter the Door to the Light assist us in our efforts to maintain the balance of the cosmos," Aqua continued. "Since you are here, that means you will be joining their ranks."

Yen Sid rubbed his chin. "I see. What do you need me to do?"

"You will be working with one of our best 'support' operatives on a way to minimize the potential fallout from this incident and keep it from playing into the hands of the forces of evil," Terra said. "This operative is fairly new, much like yourself, but his vast knowledge and experience has swiftly elevated him to one of the highest and most respected positions in our organization." He glanced to the side. "Here he is now. I think you will get along rather well."

Yen Sid's eyebrows climbed up his forehead as he recognized the new man approaching them; a middle-aged man with long blond hair and a beard possessing a regal air and rather ornate red and black robes, with several satchels containing journals and notes wrapped around his waist. "Well, well…if it isn't Ansem the Wise! So we meet at last."

The sage and former ruler of Radiant Garden, also known as DiZ, smirked self-deprecatingly at Yen Sid, shaking the older and more experienced wizard's hand. "The great sorcerer Yen Sid…I always wanted to meet you, but could never seem to find the train leading to your little moon." He shook his head ruefully. "Perhaps if I had, things would not have turned out as they did."

"The way to my tower only appears to those who are worthy to use it," Yen Sid told the dead scientist. "If you could not find it, it was because you were not meant to. You were not ready."

"I suppose I wasn't," Ansem admitted. "Too blinded by a thirst for vengeance to see what was right in front of me. It was not until the end that I realized how much I still did not know…at least I was able to find some measure of redemption by foiling the plots of my former apprentices so that Sora and his comrades could finish them off forever." He shrugged. "But in any event, all that is behind me now. Now I am truly fighting the good fight…to make up for the evil I inadvertently released upon creation."

"And I shall help you," Yen Sid informed Ansem. "Now that the two of us have joined forces, I do not think there is much in this world or any other that we will not be able to solve by using our heads."

Ansem grinned. "I think I am going to enjoy working with you, wise Yen Sid. I suppose you have already been informed on the task set before us?"

Yen Sid nodded. "Yes, and seeing as you have probably been working on this problem longer than I, perhaps you could inform me of the validity of a few possible solutions I've already thought of…"

"Gladly, if you will put your years and experience to use in telling me the feasibility of some of the ideas _I_ have already thought of, and how we might possibly be able to implement them…" The two walked off into the distance, talking animatedly about things that, for the most part, went completely over the Chasers' heads, despite their own first-hand experience with the workings of great magic and their direct connection to Kingdom Hearts' infinite storehouse of knowledge.

"Great, now we have _two_ technobabble-spouting eggheads on the team…" Ven said. "Let's hope that they can figure this thing out."

"If anyone can, they will," Terra said confidently.

"Probably," Aqua agreed. She paused. "Do…you think we should tell Sora that what might happen in the future is…partially his fault?"

"…No. He has enough responsibility as the hero destined to save all worlds and open the Door to the Light," Terra said after a moment's thought. "He does not need to hear this if it's not necessary. Not from us, anyway." He shrugged. "There was nothing he could do anyway, except for that. There was no other way. There is no reason for us to make him feel guilty for doing the only possible thing to save the galaxy. He already feels badly enough as it is for condemning Oberon to the fate we sentenced him to."

Ven nodded in understanding. "Yeah, too much guilt can break a guy…" He glanced at Terra. "Then I guess we shouldn't tell him the OTHER thing yet, right? About his lineage and who his parents REALLY are?"

Terra's shoulders seemed to sag for a moment. He sighed deeply. "No," he agreed after a moment. "There is no reason to tell him that now. He is still young. He does not need to know the whole truth about why he has the power he possesses, why it was _he_ out of all the other prospective Keyblade wielders who has been chosen to open the Door. He does not need to know…" He gazed off into the horizon. "Not now. Not yet."

…

To be continued…

…

And that's that. Only one more piece to go, though whether or not you'll like it as much since it doesn't really involve the main characters is up to you. In the next chapter, we'll finally visit the Radiant Power Rangers (I would have done it this chapter, but it became too long), see how Oberon is enjoying being dead, and finally, FINALLY, find out where the hell the Great Old Ones went to celebrate their reawakening. (You remember that, right? Happened waaaaay back during Pete's bachelor party in chapter…6, was it?) Yeah, we're finally going to tie up that loose plot thread. About time, right?

Let me tell you, you are DEFINITELY not going to expect where they've gone to. Heheheheh.

Well, see you all next time…for the last time.


	18. Tying up Loose Ends, pt 3

Here it is, as promised, probably sooner than everyone expected. The absolutely true and final chapter of A Match Made in Hell. I hope you will enjoy reading it, because I've certainly enjoyed writing it. While this story may have gone on for longer than I had planned, it was a lot of fun to do, and I'm satisfied with the way it'll end. And while it may seem like I'm building up to a sequel with this ending, I'm sorry to say that, if and when I _do_ write it, it won't be for a while. I have other things I need to do between now and then. I hope you all can understand, and will continue to read my work in the future.

Anyway, without further ado, here it is: the final chapter. Enjoy.

…

Disclaimer: The Great Old Ones are owned by HP Lovecraft (I think), and the place they're attacking…

Well, that should be self-evident. Heheheheh.

Nearly everything in this chapter is owned by other people, like Disney and Square Enix. Except for the Zords. Those are all mine, unfortunately.

…

The end of the world had come for Springfield.

The Great Old Ones had come, rising from the seas, descending from the skies, erupting from deep underground, or appearing from the very darkness itself. The alien gods and their horrific minions unleashed a wave of chaos and destruction on the hapless town, slaughtering and feasting and burning and torturing and driving the poor souls unlucky enough to be left alive utterly mad, so the Old Ones could feed on their insanity before extinguishing their souls forever.

The giant ball of fire Cthugha and his progeny Fthaggua and Aphoom-Zah created a blaze in midtown to rival the famous Springfield Tire Fire, with the help of their fire vampires and flame creature servants. (Well, Cthugha and Fthaggua made it burn, Aphoom-Zah was just good at freezing stuff, paradoxically. Got along well with Ithaqua, though.) The flying scorpion Baoht Z'uqqa-Mogg and his ghouls prowled the skies alongside the fire-breathing Coatlicue, the bat-winged Yibb-Stll and the nightgaunts suckling from his breasts, the winged toad Zvilpogghua, and Rh'Thulla of the Wind. Barney Gumble and Duftman had sacrificed their lives in a suicidal blimp crash to try and take the beasts out of the sky, but failed miserably, and now their carcasses burned in the wreckage of the crashed airship, like the rest of Springfield.

The cancerous blob M'Nagalah the Eternal flowed through the sewers beneath the city, reaching tendrils out through drains and manholes to drag people screaming down into his amorphous mass. The toad-like Tsathoggua, his very large family, and their formless spawn servitors stormed the Kwik-E-Mart and devoured everything within, including Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and his rather large family. The eyeless Dweller in the Gulf and the Aihai, Mnomquah (along with his wife Oorn and their worshippers the Men of Leng and the moon-beasts), and Mordiggian and his ghouls attacked the Springfield Retirement Castle and consumed the aged senior citizens within, most of whom (also blind, or at least having poor eyesight) did not see it coming. The Dweller also plucked out their eyeballs before eating them, so that probably didn't help. He didn't take Hans Moleman's, though; his eyes weren't really worth eating.

The giant worms Rlim Shaikorth, Shudde M'Ell and his chthonians, and the Worm that Gnaws in the Night completely destroyed Springfield Elementary and ate all the teachers, which delighted the students until they, too, were consumed. Superintendent Chalmers blamed it all on Principal Skinner just before he was eaten alive. Moe's Tavern was stomped into rubble by the cyclopean demon Othuum, much to the horror of its patrons, and Moe, naturally. The tentacled Twin Obscenities Zhar and Lloigor, on a 'double date' with the Twin Blasphemies Nug and Yeb, broke into the hospitals and sanitariums and feasted on the sick and dying and utterly helpless patients within. The valiant Dr. Julius Hibbert died trying to fend them off, whereas the less valiant Dr. Nick just died because something stepped on him while he was running away. Shub-Niggurath and her Thousand Young broke into Krustylu Studios and violently tore apart Krusty the Clown and Sideshow Mel while their show was on the air. (Ironically, it was actually less gory than the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon he had been about to present.)

"Worst apocalypse EVER!" the Comic Book Guy proclaimed as he was attacked by the deceptively small mummy-like Quachil Uttaus. "They could've at least sent a bigger Old One to kill me," he complained before decaying and disintegrating into nothingness at Quachil Uttaus's touch.

The greatest amount of activity was down at the waterfront, where all the aquatic and many amphibious Great Old Ones and their servants were feasting and killing and destroying. The Deep Ones frolicked and killed and raped under the watchful eyes of Father Dagon and Mother Hydra, who did much the same thing; the Star-Spawn of Cthulhu slithered about and strangled and maimed; and Yuggs and Yuggya led by Father Ubb burrowed about and ate and defecated like the hideous giant worms they were. Basatan and his crabs attacked the seafood restaurant run by Captain Horatio McCallister and served _him_ for dinner, a rather ironic and fitting twist. Glaaki the Lord of Dead Dreams impaled screaming beachgoers on his many metal spines and injected them with fluids that transformed them into his undead slaves. The kraken lords Nctosa and Nctolhu snatched up victims with their many tentacles, tore them apart, and drank up their blood. Great Dead Dread Cthulhu and his mate Idh-yaa watched with pleasure as their children Ghatanothoa, Ythogtha, Zoth-Omnog, and Cthylla 'played' with the mortals that had been all lined up on the beach just waiting for them when the Great Old Ones rose from the sea. "Isn't it a lovely day for the death of a world?" Cthulhu asked Idh-yaa, who shrieked and hissed and writhed and wiggled about in response "No, you have nothing to worry about. You _do_ look very horrid in the blood-red light shining down from the dark skies, being locked up in the dark at the bottom of the ocean in R'lyeh for countless eons has done nothing but worsen your looks. You're certainly more hideous than Shub-Niggurath." The hundreds of grotesque misshapen offspring she spawned at that moment told him how pleased that had made her. He smiled under his tentacles, and then began eating her newborn children. She devoured them as well. It was a very romantic moment for amoral cosmic beings incapable of feeling 'love' in the way most people did.

C. Montgomery Burns, the richest (and oldest) man in town frowned as Iod, Juk-Shabb, Saa'itii, Rhan-Tegoth, and their servitors breached the front gates of his nuclear power plant and started tearing apart the parking lot and the foolish employees who had thought they might be able to flee to safety. "Smithers, who are those monstrous-looking chaps destroying the town?"

"I believe those are the Great Old Ones Mr. Burns, arisen from their long slumber to destroy the world of man," Waylon Smithers, Burns' lackey, reported. "They will not stop in their destruction until all life in our world has been completely destroyed or warped to suit their twisted purposes."

"Hmm, how inconvenient. Would they be willing to accept a bribe to leave us alone?"

Smithers shook his head. "I'm afraid not, sir, they deal in souls and lives, not munny. You could ask their representative Nyarlathotep, though; I believe you have a meeting with him at two."

Burns scowled and turned from his office window. "What, and give those reckless hooligans one cent of my hard-earned munny? I think not! Springfield is my town, and if anyone's going to destroy, it'll be me, not those young rapscallions! Smithers, activate the nuclear self-destruct system, and ready my escape autogyro!"

"Yes, sir!" Smithers replied, practically swooning at how swiftly his employer (and secret crush) was taking action.

Meanwhile, America's favorite family was barricading their household to try and fend off the Great Old Ones. (Well, sort of.)

"Homer, why are you sitting there watching television?! It's the end of the world! I thought I told you to monster-proof our house!" Marge Simpson shouted at her husband, tearing out clumps of her towering blue hair in exasperation.

"What? I did!" Homer Simpson, the lazy oaf protested, reluctantly glancing away from the television (and the horrific disemboweling of Channel 6 KBBL-TV's news anchorman Kent Brockman) to look at his wife.

"All you did was lock the doors, close the blinds, and paint 'NO HUMANZ HEER' on the front of the house!" Marge shrieked at him. "That's not going to stop them!"

"Au contraire!" Homer countered, mentally congratulating himself for knowing some French. "Watch and learn!" Removing himself from the couch with a loud slurping sound and leaving an impression in the shape of his body behind (careful not to spill the contents of the open beer can in his hand in the process), Homer walked over to the nearest window and peeked through the shuttered blinds. Reluctantly, Marge joined him to look outside.

Evergreen Terrace was a nightmare. Many of the houses across the street were on fire and splattered with blood and dismembered body parts belonging to the neighbors. Grotesque inhuman monsters paraded through the streets, carrying severed heads and intestines and other organs. Some of the more ingenious and cruel minions of the Old Ones had managed to rig a car into a litter to support one of their larger abominable masters, carried on the backs of weeping naked children gushing blood from countless wounds. Off in the near distance, the forms of unbelievably immense shambling horrors could be seen stomping about and ravaging the downtown area and nearest suburbs. Marge was certain this was going to ruin the real estate value of the neighborhood significantly. After all, she had been a realtor once, she should know.

She tensed as a party of absolutely disgusting crosses between slugs and crabs and spiders approached the house, and was surprised when they paused, ogling the small and very fragile structure with the many eyes growing from the ends of tentacles sticking up all over their body. "This place looks good," one of the monsters said to its companions. (It didn't say it in English, but in some bizarre alien tongue completely indistinguishable to human ears and minds, but that's roughly what it said.)

"But it says there's no humans here," another monster pointed out.

"Are you sure?" asked another.

"Yeah, those big red letter-y things say so."

"I didn't know you could read Human," said the leader of the crab-slug things, looking surprised.

"Yeah, I took a crash course in college," the monster that had read Homer's graffiti said.

"And it says there's no humans there?" the leader asked.

"Nope, not one," was the reply.

The monsters groaned and sagged, noxious gases spewing from vents all over their body that caused the ground around them to melt away. The leader grunted. "Oh well, too bad. Let's try the next house." Somewhat disappointed, they slithered and skittered off.

Marge's jaw dropped. Homer let go of the blinds. "There, you see? Everything's under control," he said smugly.

"Homer, I _really_ don't think that's going to fool some of the smarter ones! We have to do something!" Marge insisted. "We would have been able to just drive out of here, if SOMEONE hadn't accidentally drilled holes in the gas tanks of both our cars while messing around with them!"

Homer's eyes shifted about uneasily. "Uh, yeah, Bart's gonna be _so_ grounded for that…"

Marge sighed. "Speaking of which, where _are_ the kids?"

In the attic upstairs…

"Bart, I really don't think sacrificing Snowball II will make the Great Old Ones go away," Lisa Simpson complained to her brother, Bart, who was currently wearing black robes and standing with a dagger poised over the Simpson family's cat, which he had gagged and tied to a makeshift altar.

"Who said anything about making them go away? I'm hoping they'll make me one of them if I give them Snowball's soul!" Bart said eagerly.

"BART!" Lisa shouted.

"What? It was her or Maggie," Bart said with a frown. Maggie, the third child of the family who had been a baby for what seemed like forever, made a sucking noise on her pacifier and fell over for no reason.

"Bart, you can't sacrifice our little sister! Mom'd ground you forever!" Lisa said angrily. "And besides, if you kill a cat, you'll piss off Bast, who's supposedly one of the Elder Gods that oppose the Great Old Ones…and given our current situation, I doubt that'd be a very good idea."

Bart rolled his eyes. "Well, _now_ you tell me…wait, I thought she was one of those Egyptian deities, how'd she become an Elder God?"

Lisa shrugged. "Lovecraft was obsessed with cats."

"Oh, okay. Guess I'll have to sacrifice Dad's pig, then," Bart said, reluctantly untying Snowball II, who immediately tried to claw his eyes out. "Ow! Hey!"

"Too late, Dad already ate him," Lisa said.

"Really?" asked a surprised Bart, yanking Snowball II off his face and hurling her away. "I thought he loved that pig…"

"He loved that lobster too, but that didn't keep him from eating it," Lisa reminded him.

"Good point." Bart glanced at Maggie. "You sure I can't-"

"NO!" Lisa yelled.

Bart rolled his eyes. "Fine, geez. Oh well, guess we're screwed then."

Lisa frowned at Bart, offended by his flippant and carefree attitude. "Bart, this is really serious! The Great Old Ones are here! According to the Miskatonic University newsletter, they're made of almost totally indestructible cosmic matter and can't be stopped by the army or even nuclear weapons! They'll destroy every living thing on the planet and wipe out the entire human race!"

Bart sighed and shook his head. "Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…Lisa. You're getting too worked up about this. We've got nothing to worry about."

"Nothing to worry about?! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, BART!" Lisa shouted at him.

"Lisa, how many times has Springfield and/or the world and/or our family been killed or completely destroyed?" Bart asked his sister.

Lisa hesitated. "Well…"

"A lot, right? And every single time, nothing comes of it. The town comes back, we come back, as if none of it ever happened, especially all the Halloween stuff," Bart explained to her. "You know as well as I do that nothing really important ever changes in this town, or at least not for long."

"Maude Flanders died and is still dead," Lisa pointed out.

Bart rolled his eyes. "I said nothing _important,_ Lees, duh. Nobody cares about the Flanderses."

"Bart, that's a horrible thing to say!" said an aghast Lisa.

"What? It's true! Look, I'll show you." Bart led Lisa over to the window, which conveniently enough gave them a view of the Flanders household next door. The devout and evangelical Ned Flanders and his two sons, Rod and Todd, were standing in a circle in the backyard, their hands joined and their heads bowed in prayer.

"'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!'" Ned quoted from the Bible.

"Daddy, I'm scared," Todd whimpered.

"Don't worry, Todd, God is on our side!" Rod assured his brother.

Ned nodded. "That's right boys, as long as the power of God is protecting His children, no harm shall come to us!"

That's when the shoggoths smashed through the back fence and proceeded to engulf the Flanders family in their protoplasmic, amorphous masses. They screamed in agony as their skin was sucked right off their bodies and their bones were crunched and chewed up by temporary organs that had been grown by the beasts for that specific purpose. Eyes bubbled up out of the surface of the horrors' skin and blinked about happily as they digested the Simpsons' neighbors.

"Ha-ha! Where's your messiah now?" taunted Nelson Muntz, pointing mockingly at the shoggoths as the last of the screaming Ned Flanders was absorbed into the monstrosities. He didn't laugh for long, though, as he soon suffered a similar fate at the pseudopods of Ubbo-Sathla.

"There, you see?" Bart said, turning from the window to find Lisa throwing up in a corner. "Oh, relax, he'll be fine by tomorrow. This whole thing'll blow over in a couple of weeks, a month or two tops."

"But Bart, what if you're wrong?" Lisa asked, her face pale as she staggered back to her feet. "What if this time, it really _is_ the end of the world for real, and we're all going to stay dead?"

Bart scoffed. "Yeah, like the writers would let that happen."

From downstairs, they could hear the doorbell ringing. "Oh, I'll get it!" Homer's loud voice echoed up from below.

"Homer, no, it's probably a trick!" Marge nagged him.

"Oh, right."

"Pizza delivery," a harsh, inhuman voice rasped from the other side of the front door.

"Mmm, pizza," Homer drooled, reaching towards the doorknob without thinking.

Lisa's eyes widened in horror. "Dad, no!" She rushed down the ladder from the attic at breakneck pace. Bart shrugged, picked up Maggie, and followed her at a more leisurely speed.

Despite Lisa's rushing, she got there too late to stop her father from opening the front door and letting the hideously scaled and finned Deep Ones waiting outside into the house. "D'oh!" cursed Homer as the fish-men barged inside.

"Homer, I _told_ you! Oh, you _never_ listen!" Marge groused.

"Oh my…" a horrified Lisa gasped.

"Whoa, cool, fish-men! Way more fearsome than those dolphins that invaded town that one time," Bart commented. Maggie made a sucking noise in agreement.

"Foolish mortal!" the biggest and nastiest Deep One sneered. "Now we will mutilate, molest, and defile you and your loved ones, and then we will tear you apart in a truly gruesome and heinous fashion before devouring your weak, yellow flesh and delivering your souls to our gods!"

"Um, I don't have a soul. Gave it to Marge. Isn't that right, honey?" Homer said quickly, hiding behind Marge.

"Homer!" Marge hissed to her husband through gritted teeth.

"I don't have a soul either, I sold it to Satan," Bart commented.

Marge gasped. "BART!"

Lisa sighed in exasperation. "Not again! Bart, didn't you learn your lesson after what happened the LAST time you sold your soul?!"

"Of course I did," Bart said indignantly. "This time I didn't give it to him right away, just promised he could have it after I died if he'd do a few…_favors_ for me."

Marge gave Bart a stern look. "So _that's_ where you got that new BB gun! Young man, what do you think you're doing selling your soul? Hasn't going to Church all these years taught you anything?!"

"No," Bart, Lisa, and Homer all said simultaneously, with Maggie sucking since she couldn't talk yet. Or ever. Marge sighed wearily.

"And besides, Dad did it one time," Bart pointed out.

"For a donut! And what a delicious donut it was…mmm…donut…" Homer drooled.

"I should think the fact that your father did it is reason enough for you NOT to do it!" Marge argued.

"Hey!" cried an offended Homer.

"Huh, that _does_ make sense…" Bart agreed grudgingly.

The biggest Deep One growled in annoyance. "Fine, we'll spare the boy…"

"Wait, you mean we can't just kill him?" protested one of the others.

The leader smacked him. "No, you idiot, he belongs to Satan! Our master is friends with him! We could get in big trouble for doing something like that! Anyway, we'll spare the boy, but the fat one and the womenfolk shall still suffer unimaginable agonies at our claws before we deliver their souls to our masters!"

"Hey, who're you calling a woman? And who do you think you are, calling my wife fat?" Homer asked indignantly. "I mean, sure, she may be hitting the pastries a little too much lately, but still!" Marge smacked her forehead.

"Um, I'm Buddhist. And a vegetarian. Does that count for anything?" Lisa asked timidly.

The Deep Ones groaned in exasperation. "Mother Hydra's balls…" one of the fish-men grumbled.

"Whoa, your mom has balls?" asked an amazed Bart.

"Bart!" Marge snapped. "Don't say 'balls!'"

"Yeah, she has balls," one of the Deep Ones replied.

"And around four to six breasts," another one added. "It varies depending on her mood."

Bart and Homer's eyes widened in amazement. "Woooowwwww…." Marge sighed in exasperation, Lisa rolled her eyes, Maggie sucked, and Santa's Little Helper barked.

"Where did you come from?" the perplexed Lisa asked the family's dog. He shrugged.

"Okay, fine, we'll leave the boy and the girl alone, and do horrible things to the fat guy, the woman, the baby, and the dog. Any other complaints and/or revelations?" asked the lead Deep One.

"Yeah, Maggie's an alien. Does that mean she's exempt too?" Bart asked.

"Bart, Maggie's not an alien!" Marge hissed to her son.

"Sure she is, don't you remember that one Treehouse of Horror episode?" Bart replied.

Lisa sighed in exasperation. "Bart, you know those don't count, Halloween specials are never in continuity!"

"We have continuity?" asked a surprised Homer. Marge and Lisa gave him annoyed looks.

"Yeah, that's what _I_ was trying to say," Bart said with a smirk. "Anyway, why are you arguing so much? If they think she's an alien, maybe they'll spare Maggie too! You know, because she'll be inhuman and all, just like them."

"Ohhh, I see," said Marge, realization dawning on her face. She looked back up at the confused Deep Ones. "Yes, yes, my youngest daughter's an alien! Nope, not human at all, nosirreebob."

Homer gasped. "What?! You had a baby with another man and never told me? How could you?!"

Marge gave him an exasperated look. "Homer, did you listen to anything we just said?"

Homer stared at her blankly. "You say what now?" Marge sighed and shook her head.

The Deep Ones frowned and glanced suspiciously at the very human-looking baby. "What kind of alien?" the leader asked.

"Uh…I dunno, something with tentacles," Bart said vaguely.

"And one eye," Lisa added.

"And lots of drool," Marge said.

The Deep Ones conferred for a moment. "One eye, tentacles, drool? That's not very helpful, there are lots of species on our side who fit that description," one of the fish-men muttered.

"And if we eat it without knowing whether or not its father serves one of the Great Old Ones, we could get in big trouble," another Deep One agreed. "We should play it safe and leave it alone."

"Right," the leader said, straightening up. "Here's what we're going to do. We'll leave the kids alone, but do horrible things to the fat guy, the woman, and…the dog."

Santa's Little Helper yelped in alarm. "Hey, you can't eat my dog!" Bart protested.

"Is it an alien, a god, or any other kind of supernatural entity?" the leader asked impatiently.

"Uh…"

"No? Then we're taking the dog." The Deep One gestured at Marge and Homer. "Get them."

Homer sighed. "Aw man, this is going to be one of the worst ways I've ever died…including the time I died of explosive decompression, and the time stupid Flanders turned into a werewolf and mauled me, and the time I blew up the whole town, and all the times I went to Hell, and the time I froze to death, and the time I was turned inside out, and the time I fell into a black hole, and the time I fell into a gorge, and the time I got shot repeatedly, and the time I was possessed, and the time I became a giant blob, and the time that I became pasta, and the time I was chopped up by spaghetti, and the time I-"

"Homer, shut up!" Marge snapped. "Kids, run, get out of here while you still can! There's nothing you can do for us, just go, try to find someplace safe!"

"Okay," said Lisa, grabbing Maggie and racing outside with Bart.

Marge frowned. "They could have at least protested a _little_…"

One of the Deep Ones laughed. "Those foolish children...there's no place safe left now that the Great Old Ones have risen! All shall die!"

As if on cue, a giant stone hand abruptly burst out of the floor underneath the Deep Ones and closed shut over the startled fish-men, squeezing them until they burst into slime and fluids that splattered the walls and Marge's dress. "Woohoo, a deus ex machine!" Homer cheered.

"Oh, I'm _never_ going to be able to get this stain out," Marge complained, looking down at her dress.

The stone hand, its fingers and palm stained with Deep One residue, reached out and snatched Marge and Homer, who screamed as the fist closed around them and…gently deposited them outside. "Huh?" said a confused Homer as the hand retracted back into the house. "What just happened?"

"Mom, Dad, you're alive!" cried an overjoyed Lisa, hugging first Marge, then Homer.

"Darn, now I'm never gonna get any inheritance," Bart complained. Maggie sucked once as Marge picked her up.

"But how did you guys survive?" Lisa asked her parents.

Homer shrugged and grunted. Abruptly, the house trembled and cracked as an immense, towering figure suddenly burst out through the roof, causing the entire structure (which had never been particularly stable to begin with) to crumble and collapse around it. The Simpsons family gaped and backed away in disbelief as the figure, an absolutely gigantic stone statue of a muscular vaguely human figure decorated in ancient Olmec inscriptions and armor, loomed over them. "Oh my," Marge gasped, flushing due to the fact that the statue had a rather large and uncovered crotch. Homer grumbled enviously.

"Hey, that guy looks familiar…" Bart commented, squinting as he looked up at the immense head of the statue high above them.

Lisa gasped. "That's Xt'tapalatakettle!" They stared at her blankly. "You know, the giant Olmec head in our basement that Mr. Burns gave us one time because Bart gave him blood to save his life?"

"Ohhh," the family said, remembering.

"Hey, didn't it summon zombies once?" Homer recalled.

"Yeah, because you ate all the food his worshippers gave him," Bart snickered. "You eat enough for TEN gods, Homer!"

"Why you little!" Homer started strangling Bart.

"Stop it, you two!" Marge commanded, pulling Homer off of Bart. "And besides, that never actually happened, it was in a Halloween comic special, making it even LESS canonical than usual!"

"We have canon?" Homer asked again. Marge sighed and shook her head.

"Simp-son family," the mighty Xt'tapalatakettle boomed, catching the family's attention. The statue knelt down so its face was closer to them. "Long have you sheltered me in your basement and provided me with a home and sustenance. As repayment for your generosity, when I sensed my old foes the Great Old Ones awakening, I put my protection over your household so that none of their minions would trouble you…until that idiot Homer opened the door and let them in!"

"D'oh!" Homer grunted.

"I _told_ you that painting that message was a stupid way to protect the house!" Marge said triumphantly.

Homer rolled his eyes. "Geez, rub it in Marge, why don't you?"

"Now that your home has been destroyed by the minions of the Great Old Ones-" Xt'tapalatakettle started.

"Wait, _you're_ the one who just burst out of our house!" Lisa pointed out.

Xt'tapalatakettle coughed. "Ah, BECAUSE YOUR HOME HAS BEEN DESTROYED BY THE MINIONS OF THE GREAT OLD ONES, there is little else I can do to defend you from them. However, I can give you my protection, for as long as it lasts, as you flee from this place. With any luck, you will be able to escape Springfield unmolested by the evil ones."

"In other words, we're going to be eaten before we get a block away," Bart grumbled.

"But what about you? What're you going to do?" Marge asked the towering stone god.

"Yeah, and couldn't you at least come with us? You know, so we don't get stepped on or eaten or anything," Homer suggested.

Xt'tapalatakettle shook his head. "I cannot. Now that I have fully awakened, I must do battle with the Great Old Ones, as I did in days of yore. It would not be safe for you to be nearby when I confront them, which is why you must flee. My power will safeguard you for as long as it can, but after that, you are on your own. I am sorry there is nothing else I can do for you, Simp-son family. Thanks to you, I am stronger than I have been in many millennia, more than powerful enough to fight my ancient enemies."

"Really? What'd we do to make you so strong?" asked a surprised Lisa. "I mean, we've sort of left you collecting dust in our basement for the last few years, other than the times the occasional worshipper showed up to leave some offerings, but I doubt that happened often enough to make you…well, like this."

"I am a war god, and so gain power from violence, aggression, and bloodshed…and there has certainly been more than enough of that in your household, Simp-son family," Xt'tapalatakettle informed them. They fidgeted uncomfortably at that.

"Wait, wait…then does that mean that every time Homer's strangled me for something, that made you stronger?!" Bart asked incredulously.

Xt'tapalatakettle nodded. "That is correct."

"Wow, who knew that child abuse could actually do something useful?" asked an astonished Lisa. "This has moral implications on so many levels…

Xt'tapalatakettle waved a hand over the Simpsons, causing them to feel all tingly. Homer scratched his crotch. "I have done all I can for you. Now we must part ways; I to do battle, and you to find some safe ground. If we should never meet again, I want you to know that I, Xt'tapalatakettle, will always remember you and cherish the time I spent living in your basement. Farewell, Simp-son family. May all that is good smile down on you." With that, he straightened up, turned, and stomped away, his long legs carrying him further and further from 742 Evergreen Terrace with every step.

"Huh," said Marge. "That was interesting."

"Yep," said Lisa. "Who knew the big stone head in our basement was actually a sleeping god?"

"Couldn't he have given us superpowers or something? That'd be way cooler than some lame 'protection'," complained Bart. Maggie made a sucking noise that may or may not have been agreement.

"Well, now that that's settled, let's go to Moe's. They'll have beer there…er, it'll be safe there," Homer said quickly.

"Homer, Moe's Tavern was destroyed," Marge reminded him.

Homer gasped. "What?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Oh well, guess we'll go to the Kwik-E-Mart, then."

"That was destroyed, too," said Lisa.

Homer fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! DAMN YOU, GREAT OLD ONES! DAMN YOOOOOOUUUUUUU!"

"On the plus side, they killed Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma," Bart commented.

Homer instantly got to his feet. "Oh, they did? Well, I guess they're not so bad after all."

"Homer!" Marge snapped.

Homer gave her a confused look. "What?"

Meanwhile, back at the nuclear power plant…

Smithers and Mr. Burns were riding in a golf cart down a long, heavily secured corridor. Flashing red lights and blaring klaxons whirled overhead, and very thick blast doors slammed shut behind them every time they crossed a particular threshold.

"The Great Old Ones and their servitors have managed to breach the plant's outer perimeter, and are working their way inwards, destroying everything—and everyone—in sight," Smithers reported to his master. "However, I've initiated the plant's self-destruct sequence, so with any luck they'll be wiped out when the reactor core reaches critical mass and detonates in…" He checked his watch. "Approximately fifteen minutes."

Burns tented his fingertips. "Excellent," he said in a slow, sinister voice.

The cart passed through the final security door and arrived at a small hangar housing Burns' escape helicopter. Smithers leaped out of the cart and hurried over to the other side to help Burns out, then rushed over to the wall and pulled a lever that caused the ceiling to open up, revealing the red skies above. "There are a number of monsters flying about in the lower stratosphere, but the helicopter's been equipped with the latest in high-tech weaponry, so we should be able to blast our way through them relatively unscathed if we encounter anything."

Burns frowned. "Why did I request weaponry to be installed in this thing again?"

"So that you could level the town if you ever needed to make a quick escape and be able to buy up the property for a dime should you ever came back?" Smithers reminded him.

Burns nodded. "Ah, yes, of course."

Smithers opened the pilot's door on the side of the helicopter and boosted his boss in. "Upsy-daisy, sir!" Smithers was about to follow suit when, much to his surprise, Burn pulled the door shut and locked it. "Wait, sir! What about me?" he cried in alarm.

"Oh, I _am_ sorry, Smithers—my engineers seem to have neglected to provide accommodations for you!" Burns said apologetically, though he didn't sound very sorry.

"I'll gladly cling to the landing skid, sir!" Smithers begged desperately.

Burns frowned in thought. "Hmm…very well—but if your weight unbalances the craft and makes me queasy, you'll have to drop off!"

Smithers sighed in relief. "I wouldn't have it any other way, sir!"

As the helicopter rotors spun to life and the aircraft rose into the air, one Waylon Smithers clinging to the landing skid for dear life, the lackey thought to himself, _I only hope we're in time…_

Meanwhile, down at the waterfront…

Cthulhu stirred. "I sense…a disturbance…a presence I have not felt for many eons…" His eyes narrowed in anger and he whirled about to face the intruder, who was stomping towards them, casually crushing monsters beneath his feet and tearing apart any beast foolish enough to fly at him with his bare hands. "XT'TAPALATAKETTLE!"

The stone god grinned savagely at the tentacle-faced Great Old One. "Cthulhu…it has been too long, my old enemy. I see that the years have not improved your features one bit…"

"The same could be said of you, old 'friend'," Cthulhu snarled. "You seem a bit dustier than I recall."

"That may be true," Xt'tapalatakettle admitted, flexing his muscles. "But I am still as powerful as I ever have been…and I have come to put a stop to your invasion! This town is precious to me, and I shall not allow you or your abominable spawn to destroy it!"

Cthulhu's children did not take that insult very well. Ghatanothoa, the eldest and most hideous, hissed in rage and surged towards the insolent intruder, until a command from his father stopped him in his tracks. "Halt!" Cthulhu bellowed. "I shall fight him. He and I have an old score to settle." Reluctantly, Ghatanothoa backed off, and his sire rose out of the water to his full height and stomped up the beach onto shore, liquid dripping off his horrendous form. His tentacles flailed about spastically, as if anticipating the carnage that was about to come. The other Great Old Ones and monstrosities in the vicinity pulled back to encircle the two combatants from a distance, eager to watch the battle. They chanted and shouted and howled Cthulhu's name, screaming and wailing and stomping the earth and creating a ghoulish, cacophonous chorus in support of their leader.

Xt'tapalatakettle, unintimidated by this, just smirked and cracked his knuckles. "I've been waiting a very long time for this day…"

"As have I, my old enemy. As have I." Cthulhu threw the first punch, an enormous green fist with enough power packed behind it to vaporize a mountain with a single blow. It struck the Olmec giant on the chin and twisted his head back, stone chips breaking off and scattering to the ground. Xt'tapalatakettle, seemingly stunned by the blow, started to fall backwards…only to flip over and catch himself on his hands, swinging his legs out and knocking Cthulhu's feet out from under him, toppling him to the ground. Xt'tapalatakettle leapt upon the Old One before he could get back to his feet, grabbing him in a headlock and smashing his bulbous head against the pavement repeatedly. Cthulhu's tentacles flailed, then suddenly lashed out and wrapped themselves around Xt'tapalatakettle's face. Snarling angrily, the giant wrenched his head back in an attempt to rip the tendrils off his face, but they were too flexible, and only stretched longer the harder he pulled at him. Cthulhu took Xt'tapalatakettle's moment of distraction to slip from the giant's grip, using the total control he exerted over his own body mass to slide out of Xt'tapalatakettle's arms and shove the stone god off of him, all without letting go of his opponent's face with his tentacles. He drew back an arm to punch Xt'tapalatakettle again, but the war god sensed it coming and caught it in one hand, using the other hand to punch Cthulhu in the face and knock him backward, stretching the tentacles sucking on his face to their limit. Before the Old One could recover, Xt'tapalatakettle grabbed the tentacles and used their current tautness to rip them apart from their master's beard, causing Cthulhu to howl in pain as his severed tendrils writhed and gushed fluid that was neither blood nor ichor. The tentacles swiftly regenerated, of course, but it gave the monstrous titan pause long enough for Xt'tapalatakettle to pull the remnants of the other tentacles off his face and take a running tackle at Cthulhu, knocking him to the ground, where they immediately began to wrestle and exchange blows, much to the excitement of the monstrous spectators madly cheering and howling all around them.

However, as he fought his greatest enemy once more, Xt'tapalatakettle's thoughts were not on the squid-faced monstrosity who was currently trying to throttle him, but on the family who had sheltered him for all these years. _Simp-son family…I dearly hope you can escape before it is too late. For if this fight escalates, as I am sure it will…no human can possibly survive the forces we will unleash._

The Simpson family was at that moment indeed trying to escape…and Xt'tapalatakettle was right to worry about them, because the protection he had granted them wasn't going to last much longer. Not that they knew that, anyway.

In the wake of the destruction left by their masters, a number of the Great Old Ones' servitors were prowling the ravaged streets of Springfield, sifting through the debris in search of survivors. Whenever they found a gibbering, dying, and completely mad human lying broken and bleeding among the ruins, they killed the poor soul horribly and feasted on the remains. As one Chthonian peered into the shattered window of a storefront to see if there were any humans trapped inside, it suddenly felt a sharp pain from behind and toppled over on its face. Enraged, it scrambled back onto its tentacles and whirled around to glare at the startled Chthonian behind him. "Why did you just kick me?!"

"Th-the sign on your back said too," the frightened land squid stammered.

Puzzled, the first Chthonian felt around its back with a tentacle and found, much to its surprised, that there was indeed a piece of paper taped there. It ripped the sign off and held it in front its oculars. The Chthonian wasn't very proficient in human languages, but it thought the sign said 'Kick me'. Enraged, the slimy monstrosity crumpled up the paper and glared around at all the other Chthonians, ghouls, zombies, Deep Ones, and other horrors littering the streets. "All right, which one of you lumpheads stuck this to me?!" They all glanced at each other in confusion and shrugged, having no idea what the Chthonian was talking about. The land squid glared at them suspiciously then growled in frustration and gave up on the matter. "All right, you may have gotten away with it this time…but I'm watching all of you. If I ever find out who put this on me, I'm personally going to rip out their ganglia and eat it." The monsters then went back to their prowling.

Bart Simpson, who had of course been the one to plant the sign on the squid's back, laughed. "Ha, this is great, if I had known how much fun it was to play pranks when you're invisible, I'd have done it sooner!"

"Bart, stop playing tricks on the monsters, you're only going to make them angrier if they manage to see us," Marge scolded her son.

"But Mom, they _can't_ see me, we're invisible, remember?" Bart pointed out.

"Technically, we're not actually invisible, we just seem to be shielded from the creatures' sight thanks to whatever spell Xt'tapalatakettle cast on us," Lisa corrected. "But he said himself that he wasn't sure how long it would last, which is why we have to get out of town before it wears off and the monsters see us and tear us apart!"

"Oh, relax, I'm sure we have plenty of time," said Homer, snacking on a huge hunk of lamb he had looted from a nearby butcher. In between bits of lamb, he also shoved sausages from a long chain draped around his shoulders into his mouth, interspersed with sucking on his fingers to get the grease off them and chewing on a chunk of ham he was holding in the crook of his other arm. A large sack full of other foodstuffs and goodies (including a plasma television, of all things) that Homer had stolen from other shops they had passed by in the process of fleeing from town was strapped to the back of the unfortunate Santa's Little Helper, whom Homer had designated their packmule, since he was too lazy to carry anything himself and claimed he had a 'bad back'.

"Homer, why did you take all those things from those stores anyway?" a frustrated Marge asked Homer.

"Well, it'ph not like anyone elff if going to be uffing them anytime foon," Homer pointed out, speaking with his mouth full and disgusting his family. "So I—er, we—might as well take them."

"Then why didn't we take that Ferrari we saw in that one car dealership so we could get out of here faster instead of just walking all over the place?!" Bart complained.

Homer laughed and patted his son's head, covering his hair with grease. "Silly Bart, you can't eat a car! That and I couldn't find the keys, and while I know you can hot-wire a vehicle, I can't trust you to drive one. Not after what happened the last time." As Bart gave him a disgusted look, Homer ripped off chunks of ham and lamb in a single bite. "Mmm, farmyard processed meat products," he drooled.

Lisa sighed in exasperation. "None of you are taking this seriously! There's no telling how long Xt'tapalatakettle's spell will last! That's why we have to keep going, NOW, before it wears off!"

As if on cue, the spell wore off, and all the monsters noticed the Simpson family. "Hey, look! Fresh meat! Let's kill them and drink their blood!" a Miri Nigri shouted. The countless horrors uttered a loud yell of joy and rushed towards the horrified Simpsons.

"Whuh-oh," said an alarmed Homer. "You don't suppose they'll let us go if we give them the dog, do you?"

"Lisa's Buddhist! Bart sold his soul to the Devil! Maggie's an alien! Homer's soulless!" Marge shouted desperately, hoping to buy some measure of freedom for her family.

The monsters paused momentarily to consider that. Then a ghoul yelled, "We're too hungry to care!"

"YEAH!" the other monsters chorused, and they resumed their charge towards the Simpsons. Terrified, the family clung to each other, while Santa's Little Helper ran away but only got a few feet before getting caught and torn to bloody pieces by the monsters, and Homer shoved what was left of the ham and lamb down his throat to try and finish them both before he died, which naturally only led to him choking himself because they couldn't possibly both fit down his esophagus, and Bart and Lisa screamed, and Maggie got a determined look on her face and raised her hands into the air, sucking extra-rapidly on her pacifier…

And suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as dozens of energy bolts rained down from the heavens all around the Simpsons, smiting the beasts where they stood. The horrors shrieked in fright and tried to scatter, but the beams kept blasting down in an endless bombardment, blowing them to smithereens and reducing the majority of the monsters to dust or burning skeletons. (Those that had skeletons, anyway.) The few abominations that managed to escape the attack from above just ran and ran, and didn't look back.

"Woohoo! Another deus ex machine!" Homer cheered after Marge performed the Heimlich maneuver on him.

"Okay, this is starting to get repetitive. Who saved us _this_ time?" Bart wondered.

"Who cares? We're all still alive!" Marge said ecstatically. Clasping her hands in gratitude, she looked up to the skies. "Whoever you are, thank you for saving our family!" Much to her surprise, she got a response. A wide beam of soft light shone down from beyond the swirling red clouds of doom covering Springfield, illuminating the Simpsons family with its otherworldly radiance. They looked up at the light in wonder. "Oh my…" Marge whispered.

"Wow…what is that? A rescue helicopter?" Bart asked, squinting against the beam.

"Don't be silly, Bart, helicopter spotlights are much brighter and more blinding!" Lisa commented, also squinting against the light. "But this almost seems…_familiar…"_

"Mmm…Shiny…" Homer drooled.

Maggie squirmed about in Marge's arms and wordlessly stretched her little hands upwards, reaching out towards the light. She made a single sucking sound.

Suddenly, the Simpsons' feet left the ground, and the small nuclear (radioactive) family of five began to slowly rise upward. "Whoa! What the heck's going on!?" Bart cried.

"We're defying the laws of gravity!" Lisa protested.

Marge gasped. "Oh! This must be the Rapture…it all fits, the world is ending and the faithful will be raised up to Heaven! Except…er…" She glanced doubtfully at her family, who were pretty much as far from faithful as a group could get. "Why were _we_ taken while everyone else, _especially_ the Flanderses, died?"

"Because we rock! Duh, Mom," Bart said, rolling his eyes as if it were obvious. "Though they'll probably just kick me out, seeing as how I sold my soul to Satan and all…and I'm not exactly a saint or anything."

Lisa sighed. "Me too…I'm not sure they'd let Buddhists into Christian Heaven…"

Homer laughed. "Oh, don't be ridiculous, it's not the Rapture, that already happened, remember? It's probably just God saving us…the big guy owes me a favor or two, after all. We go way back."

Marge rolled her eyes. "Or so you keep telling us…"

A goofy smile on his face, Homer leaned back (against nothing?) and put his arms behind his head. "This is gonna be great! Me and my family will all get to relax in Heaven, and eat all we want, and watch all the free TV we want, and spend time with all the sexy babes we want…"

"Homer!" Marge snapped.

"I was talking about you, honey," Homer said quickly.

"Oh. All right, then," Marge said, somewhat mollified.

"And there'll be beer," Homer continued, drooling all over himself. "Endless fountains of beer…and donuts…and angel wings…mmm, angel wings…"

"Uh, don't you mean buffalo wings?" asked a troubled Lisa.

"Huh? Oh yeah, those too," Homer admitted.

Maggie shook her head and rolled her eyes with an annoyed suck on her pacifier. They really thought they were going to Heaven? Oh well, they'd learn the truth soon enough.

And so the Simpsons family, lifted by the gravity-defying beam, were raised up above the clouds and out of sight to those down below.

And speaking of those below, Xt'tapalatakettle and Cthulhu were still fighting. The old enemies had exchanged quite a few blows by this point, and wounded each other, not like those injuries really lasted or meant anything, of course. The two giants circled each other warily as more and more horrors joined the ring around them to watch the fight, cheering and hooting and screaming for blood. Without warning, the titans suddenly lunged towards each other, locking hands and beginning to grapple, pushing against each other with all their might.

"Why do you fight so hard to defend these humans? They are not worth the energy you waste protecting them! They are beneath cosmic beings such as us, just as a dust mite is beneath an elephant's notice, insignificant and utterly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things!" Cthulhu sneered as he pressed against Xt'tapalatakettle.

"If that were the case, then why do you and your ilk go to such trouble destroying them or seducing them to worship you or tricking them into releasing you from your long imprisonments?" Xt'tapalatakettle countered as he pushed back against Chtulhu. "Why do the Great Old Ones seek to destroy all that which is ephemeral and inferior, if it truly doesn't matter whether those living things continue to exist or die? If mortal creatures are truly so insignificant, then why do so many serve your kind, why do you have so many monsters and horrors with limited lifespans groveling before you and killing and sacrificing in your names? Even the 'immortal' beings among your servitors are capable of death, and are in that sense just like all other living things in this universe save for beings such as ourselves! We divine creatures need them just as much as they need us, if not more so…their faith in the gods is our source of strength and sustenance, their belief what allows us higher-dimensional creatures to even exist! And even if that were not reason enough to protect them…they have value and promise of their own, and it is nothing short of an unforgivable atrocity to destroy that potential before it has time to fully develop! By annihilating them, you only risk your own destruction, for who will awaken you or release you the next time the stars are right if all who would have served you are already dead by your hands?"

Cthulhu laughed, his tentacles flailing as he exerted more power. "Who are you to speak of promise and potential? You are a god of war! You demanded blood and death and souls from your own worshippers in days long past! Since when did you care so much about the humans and mortals who served you?"

"Being an inanimate stone head without worshippers for thousands of years leaves a god with a lot of time to think about what really matters," Xt'tapalatakettle told Cthulhu, standing steady as a mountain against the Old One's might. "Perhaps you should try it some time, rather than sulking in the dark and transmitting nightmares from your dank crypt in R'lyeh and bending minds to your will!"

"Even if mortals do play a larger role in the cosmos, which they do not," argued Cthulhu as he exerted more force and actually caused the stone giant to take a step back to brace himself. "What promise and potential could you possibly see in the people of this town of Springfield? It is one of the worst towns in all the worlds, chock-full of all the vices for which humanity is infamous of throughout the universe! They drown in their own sins, _glide_ on their own excrescences! There is nothing about them worth saving, nothing that shows they deserve to continue blighting existence!"

"You are wrong," Xt'tapalatakettle declared "They may be full of sin…but even the most foul, corrupt, or just plain incompetent of the people of Springfield have shown occasional glimmers of nobility and compassion…and it is for those glimmers that I fight, because I know that as long as they live, THEY CAN DO BETTER!" With that, he pushed back at Cthulhu with such force that the ancient squid was almost toppled over, if he had not increased his density and widened his feet to maintain his balance.

"You actually believe that, don't you?" Cthulhu asked incredulously. He couldn't stop himself from laughing, even as he found himself losing ground. "You truly have lost it if you believe such drivel! All those millennia as a stone head must have driven you madder than we! But do not fret, old friend…you shall see the error of your ways, once I extinguish all life on this world!" His body crackling with supernatural might, the tentacles on his face suddenly elongated and twisted together to form a flexible, stretchable 'third arm' which darted forward, stabbing two sharpened tentacle-tips into Xt'tapalatakettle's eyes. The giant cried in pain and let go of Cthulhu's claws, staggering backward with one hand clutched over his bleeding, already healing eyes. "You cannot defeat us!" Cthulhu cried as he began gathering eldritch power for a mighty spell of destruction. "After all, as it says in the Mad Arab Abdul Alhazred's Necronomicon, 'That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die!'" He fired a green beam of raw chaotic magic from his claws at Xt'tapalatakettle.

The ancient war god, his eyes done healing, immediately countered with a spell of his own, firing a brilliant blue and white bolt of power from his palms which collided with Cthulhu's beam. "You are not the only one who can quote scripture. Here's a little something from the beginning of the Book of Life: 'Those who have come here to hate should leave now, for in their hatred they only betray themselves!'" With a roar, he released more power, causing his beam to push Cthulhu's back a great deal, until the high priest of the Great Old Ones also added more power, causing the beams to stalemate and struggle futilely against each other, getting stronger and building up more and more energy with every second that passed.

Speaking of those who hated, Mr. Burns had managed to fly his helicopter out of Springfield without having to expend too much ammunition on the other aerial monsters sharing the skies with him. He also blew up a commercial airplane, just for fun. He glanced down at a digital clock on the control panel, dutifully ticking down the remaining time before his nuclear power plant exploded and took the town with it. There were only thirty seconds left on the clock. "And so," he mused. "I am become death, destroyer of worlds."

"I thought that was the Great Old Ones," Smithers, who was still clinging to the landing skid, said in puzzlement. (Don't ask how he could hear his boss from outside the cockpit while the rotors were droning above him, it's not worth wondering about.)

"I was quoting Oppenheimer, you twit," Burns said in exasperation.

"Oh. Sorry." Mr. Burns might have said something else, but Smithers couldn't hear it because right then, the power plant exploded and the whole world went white. The explosion was tremendous, and a huge mushroom cloud towered up into the sky…and got even bigger when the unleashed nuclear fission blast collided with the clashing power of Cthulhu and Xt'tapalatakettle's energy beams, resulting in an even BIGGER explosion which not only wiped out Springfield, but destroyed the hated rival town of Shelbyville nearby, the entire state Springfield was located in, and the four states bordering it: Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky. The explosion, and the crater it left behind, could be seen from orbit, and left a gruesome scar on the face of the planet.

Unfortunately, it did not destroy the Great Old Ones. They were made of a different kind of matter than we mortals, and so reconstituted immediately after being blown up by the mega-nuclear blast. However, they found, much to their distaste, that the majority of their minions had been wiped out by the explosion, and Xt'tapalatakettle had vanished without a trace. Shrugging it off, and promising himself that he would find and destroy his old rival once and for all someday soon, Cthulhu ordered everyone to fall back to R'lyeh, so they could build up their forces once more…then they would swarm out across the rest of the planet and extinguish all life in this corner of the galaxy. It was inevitable. Now that they were free from their imprisonment and slumber, there was nothing that could stop them, nothing at all.

"Welp, there goes Springfield," Homer said with a shrug, wiping his hands.

"Until next week, anyway," Bart said nonchalantly.

Lisa sighed in exasperation. "Will you stop saying that?!"

"What? It will be," Bart insisted.

"Stop fighting, you two," Marge said automatically. She glanced uneasily around the room they were in; a large metal chamber with lots of flashing lights and high-tech equipment of unknown function, with fluorescent lighting tubes in the ceiling and big bay windows lining the curvilinear walls that gave the family a magnificent view of the Earth and the stars surrounding it. "Homie, I'm starting to think we're not in Heaven…"

"Huh? Hmm, you're right," Homer admitted. "I don't remember there being this much metal last time I was there…and the view was better, like that one time I went into space. This reminds me more of…" He snapped his fat fingers. "That time we got abducted by aliens!"

Lisa gasped. "Oh no! Aliens?! Then that must mean…"

"That is correct, Earthlings!" a deep, masculine voice boomed. A nearby metal door in the wall slid upwards, and a pair of very familiar green tentacled aliens with big heads, one eye each, and wearing space helmets while constantly drooling slithered into the room. "We meet again! I am Kang, and this is my sister Kodos!"

"Hi," Kodos said, waving a tentacle. Her voice sounded just as masculine as Kang's, but a little higher in pitch.

"And we have come from Rigel VII to your world, once again, to-" Kang started.

"Conquer the planet?" Bart guessed, looking bored.

"Film a crazy reality show?" suggested Homer.

"Probe us?" Marge asked nervously.

"Feed us exquisite cuisine and take us to your planet to give us paradise?" Lisa asked anxiously, hoping this was the case though knowing it probably wasn't.

"No!" Kang barked. "We have come…to rescue my child!"

The Simpsons gasped in astonishment. Maggie pulled the pacifier out of her mouth, sprouted a fang and tentacles, and squirmed out of a horrified Marge's arms, landing on the floor and extending her hands towards Kang. "Dada!" Her voice was disturbingly deep and masculine, much like Kang's.

"Oh no, not this _again_," Bart complained.

"Marge, you had a child with another man, er, alien?! I don't even know you!" Homer cried.

"But-but that's impossible! That was just one Halloween thing! And I don't even _remember_ doing anything with-" Marge started.

Kang laughed. "Of course you wouldn't, foolish Earth-woman!"

"Yes, that's what neuralizers are for," Kodos agreed.

"I abducted you years ago while you were doing your human laundry, implanted my sperm in your body with my insemination ray, then wiped your memory and returned you to your home with no idea of what had transgressed between us…until I inevitably came to retrieve my fully-matured hybrid daughter and destroy your planet! Mwahahahahahaha!" Kang extended a tentacle and pulled Maggie closer to him, ignoring Marge's stammered protests. The half-alien baby giggled and nibbled on her father's tentacle. "Aww, look Kodos, she's already biting me. Isn't that adorable?"

"Yes, it reminds me of how we used to nibble on our matriarch's tentacle when we were just formless spawn," Kodos agreed, a fond look in her…eye.

"Oh, Maggie…" Marge whispered, shoulders sagging in despair at her baby daughter's clear abandonment of her.

"There, there, we'll make another," Homer said, patting her on the shoulder.

"My sister's an alien? Cool! Would have thought it'd be you, though," Bart admitted, glancing at Lisa.

Lisa frowned. "Wait…you said you were going to come back when Maggie was fully matured! But then why are you here now?"

"Our sensors indicated that the hated Great Old Ones had awakened and traveled to your world," Kodos explained as Kang cooed and played with Maggie and shook a high-tech rattle for her in one tentacle. "So we traveled at once to your planet to rescue my niece before she could be devoured by those cosmic abominations!"

"Well—I—_thank you_…I think," Marge said, looking rather flustered.

"Wait, you guys are _against_ the Great Old Ones?" asked a confused Homer. "I'd have thought you'd be working with them."

"Yeah, seeing as you guys are green, slimy, smelly, tentacled, aliens, drool a lot, have one big eye, try to destroy the world…" Bart listed.

"Bart!" Marge snapped.

"What? It's true," Bart complained.

"It's probably not the best idea to _insult_ the nice people who rescued us," Lisa hissed to her brother under her breath.

Bart blinked. "Oh, right."

"Actually, he's right," Kang said, glancing up from Maggie. "Well, except for the smelly part, anyway. Our people _did_ worship the Great Old Ones eons ago…but then we converted."

"Why?" asked Lisa.

"It seemed logical, really," Kang said in a many-tentacled shrug. "It just didn't make a lot of sense to worship violent and unpredictable deities who were as likely to kill you as bless you and whose main reward for many years of serving them was eating you first. Or last, depending on the Great Old One. So, we switched religions. For instance, I'm a Quantum Presbyterian."

"And I'm Jewish," Kodos added.

"Ah," said Lisa. "Well, I converted to Buddhism, so I guess I can understand."

"What are you going to do with us now that you have Maggie?" Marge asked anxiously.

"Anal probe?" Homer asked hopefully. Everyone gave him a disgusted look. "Er, not that I enjoy them or anything…"

"We were considering eating you, to be honest," Kang admitted, causing the family to tense. "But…Kodos suggested we keep you as nanny-slaves to take care of Maggie, seeing as how you have had more time and experience with her than we have."

"It would be cheaper than hiring our own nannies," Kodos commented. She paused, glancing at Homer's rather large gut. "I think…and besides, we can always eat you after they become obsolete."

"I don't suppose we get a choice in the matter," Lisa said uncomfortably.

"Of course you do!" Kang said cheerfully. "You can be Maggie's nanny-slaves, be our dinner, or get shoved out an airlock. It's completely up to you!"

"We'll take care of Maggie!" Lisa and Marge both said frantically.

"What?! Hell no! I'm not going to be a nanny, that's a girl's job!" Bart protested.

"You'll be your alien half-sister's nanny and like it, young man! I'd rather my special little guy live as a servant than be someone else's dinner!" Marge said sternly to Bart, who sighed and reluctantly gave in.

"Me too!" said Homer. "As long as we get free room and board, all the food we can eat, vacation days, lunch hours, reasonable wages, health and dental insurance, a pension, and all the other sorts of benefits available to working-class stiffs like us."

Kang and Kodos grinned sinisterly. "Of course," said Kang. "You will have your 'benefits'…"

"More than you could possibly imagine!" Kodos added evilly. They then began laughing hysterically for several minutes. Maggie joined in after a moment.

"Good," Homer said, crossing his arms and looking pleased with himself. Marge frowned uncertainly.

"What's so funny?" asked a confused Lisa. Bart shrugged.

"So, now that we're all alive, you have your kid back, and we've worked out a steady employment plan, let's have a beer to celebrate!" Homer suggested.

Kang and Kodos stared at Homer blankly. "Beer?" asked a puzzled Kodos.

"What is this…'beer' you speak of?" Kang asked.

It is said that in space, no one can hear you scream. Homer Simpson proved that false with a "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" that could be heard from the other side of the galaxy.

Somewhere, out in the cosmos, Xt'tapalatakettle smacked his forehead and wondered if maybe he had put his faith in the wrong family.

…

"Hahahaha…ahahahaha…ahahaha! That's right! Run! Run, you worthless humans! Flee before our might!" a somewhat feminine young man in black with medium-length silver hair standing atop a building in Radiant Garden laughed cruelly as his minions, a bunch of sword-wielding goons in black cloaks, attacked the populace. He slashed his double-bladed katana 'Souba' through the air. "You cannot defeat the Sons of Sephiroth!"

"Soon enough, we will have what we seek…they cannot stop us," said a long-haired slightly shorter young man standing next to the first one, wearing…a pretty pink frilly dress? He was leaning a long gun called 'Velvet Nightmare' against his shoulder.

"Yes," a third young man, taller than the other two with very short silver hair and a pile bunker called 'Dual Hound' said, a wistful, eager smile on his face. "And then…and then we'll have Mother…" He started crying.

The medium-haired man with the sword rolled his eyes, while the long-haired man in the dress comforted his compatriot. "There, there, Loz…don't cry! We'll have Mother back soon enough! And then we'll reunite with Big Brother and be a family again!"

"I know," sobbed Loz. "I just…I just miss them so much!" Bawling pathetically, he hugged his brother, who patted him on the back while their third sibling gagged and tried not to throw up.

"Whatever…I think I'm going to go kill something," the less emotional man grumbled.

"Not so fast!"

The young man whirled around and saw that a group of seven warriors, six of which were wearing form-fitting colored spandex outfits of varying designs, had entered the plaza below and were confronting the minions, allowing the townspeople to escape. He had no eyes for the six; however, all his attention was focused on the seventh, a spiky-haired blonde with a sword almost as long as his body who was glaring hatefully at him. "Kadaj…" the blonde snarled.

The young man named Kadaj smiled and gave the blonde an equally hateful look in return. "Look, brothers…it's our old friend Cloud! And he's brought some toys for us to play with!"

"Oh boy, toys!" Loz cried, looking up with a joyous expression on his face. "I love to play with toys! Are they clowns? They're all so colorful and pretty…"

"Well, I can't speak for the others, but I'm pretty sure _I'm_ not a clown," Yuffie, the Green Ranger, quipped. Her friends glared at her. "What?"

"We're not clowns, or toys," Leon, the Red Ranger (who was no longer as big a jerk as he used to be, thanks to Shere Khan (literally) beating some sense into him) announced. "We're…" He slashed his Gunblade through the air and struck a pose. "Blazing Lion Ranger!" Red flame in the form of a roaring lion exploded behind him.

Cid twirled his lance in his hands and struck a pose. "Blue Drive Ranger!" Blue smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind him, and then the pilot groaned and rubbed his thighs. "Ugh, this stuff always rides up in the wrong places…"

Tifa stomped on the ground hard, causing it to crack, and struck a pose. "Yellow Force Ranger!" Yellow smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind her.

Yuffie twirled her giant shuriken around her and struck a pose. "Green Ninja Ranger!" Green smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind her. "This is gonna be soooo cool!"

Stitch cackled insanely and fired his plasma blasters into the air repeatedly. The bullets fell back towards him and crashed into the ground, causing explosions to erupt around him as he struck a pose. "Magna Ranger 626!"

Aerith slashed through the air with her scythe and spread her wings dramatically, bats and dark energy streaming from her body. "Black Vampire Ranger!" Black smoke and pyrotechnics exploded behind her.

"And together, we're…POWER RANGERS, RADIANT FORCE!" The Rangers struck a group pose as plumes of smoke in all six of their colors erupted behind them, followed by several dozen explosions and flashes of light.

Cloud, the minions, Kadaj, and Yazoo stared blankly. Loz clapped his hands giddily. "Hooray for the clowns!" he cheered.

"_These_ are the local heroes?" Kadaj sneered. "I'm not impressed. I don't see why Cloud hangs out with losers like them."

"Actually, I don't," Cloud muttered under his breath. "Why do you think I'm always staying far away from here?"

"I thought that was because you were always hunting Sephiroth," said a confused Yuffie.

Cloud's eyes darted about shiftily. "Er. Right. Sephiroth." Tifa's eye twitched under her helmet.

"You're one to talk," Cid snorted. "Two of you look like girls, one of you's clearly got the mind of a retarded three-year old, and one of you…why the hell are you wearing a dress?!"

Yazoo looked down at his dress. "You don't think it makes you look pretty?"

Cid paused. "Well, it does suit you…I guess…as disturbing as that may be."

"Yes, it goes very well with your hair," Aerith complimented Yazoo, causing him to smile and nod back at her.

"Thanks, and you really make that black demonic suit yours. I would've thought pink would be more your color, but you look _great _in black!" Yazoo replied.

"Yousa can say that again!" Stitch said, wolf-whistling.

Aerith flushed under her helmet. "Thank you...I think."

"Enough chatter," Leon grunted. "Cloud, who the heck are these guys?"

"They call themselves the Sons of Sephiroth…which, technically, they are. They're clones Sephiroth made of himself that he intended to possess from beyond in the event of his death, so that he could use them to bring forth his resurrection," Cloud explained.

"Wait, doesn't Sephiroth resurrect himself anyway, every time you kill him?" asked a confused Yuffie.

"…Well, he didn't _know_ that was going to happen when he cloned those three in the first place," Cloud grunted. "When he realized he could come back on his own whenever he wanted, and also realized that his clones were pretty much incompetent idiots, he abandoned them and continued his vendetta with me."

"Pretty smart of the guy, seeing as how he knows the real reason he always comes back is because you WON'T STOP CHASING HIM," Tifa said loudly. "Heaven knows that kind of obsession's strong enough to bring just about anyone back from the dead, and is also a convenient excuse for a LACK OF COMMITMENT and an INABILITY TO SETTLE DOWN."

Cloud looked uncomfortable. "Tifa…"

"Forget it, Cloud, I'm over you," Tifa said, looking away. The swordsman looked rather unsettled and, oddly, disappointed to hear that. She didn't really care.

"Wow, this is more dramatic and heartfelt than the season finale of _Gray's Anatomy_," said an enthralled Yazoo.

"I want popcorn," whined Loz.

Kadaj laughed. "I thought you guys were supposed to be superheroes, not soap opera stars!" Stitch screamed a foul untranslatable curse and nearly leaped forward to eviscerate the Sephiroth clone, but was (un)fortunately restrained by Aerith.

"Anyway," Cloud continued. "They decided they'd prove themselves worthy of Sephiroth's attention by doing things that would make him happy; namely killing me or reviving their mother, Jenova, the alien monster whose cells make up most of their bodies and give them their powers."

"So what the heck are they doing here?" Cid asked.

"Jenova was found and experimented on years ago by a very evil scientist, who used its cells to create Sephiroth," Cloud explained. "But Ansem the Wise found out about it and locked her away in a secret laboratory beneath the castle. For some reason Sephiroth doesn't know she's there, but these three found out, and came here to try and free her. I chased them here to try and stop them…"

"And ran into us," Leon finished. "Well, good. Now that we're all up to speed on what's going on, I see no reason not to wipe the floor with those three. As clones, they're not as strong as the real thing, right?"

"Much weaker," Cloud agreed. "But they're still pretty tough."

"We'll see how tough they are when I ram my spear up their-" Cid started.

"Cid, language!" Aerith scolded.

Cid glowered at her. "I liked you better when you were an evil sexy demoness."

"Me too," Yuffie admitted. "Though she's kind of cool this way, too."

"Eh," Stitch grunted noncommittally.

Kadaj laughed dismissively. "Ha, you clowns aren't worth dirtying our hands on. We'll let our little friends deal with you, that should provide us with some entertainment!" He pointed at Cloud and the Rangers. "Go get them!" he shouted to the black-cloaked goons below. The minions moaned and started advancing on the Rangers (and Cloud), chanting nonsense phrases.

"Jenovaaaa…"

"Great Sephiroooooth…"

"Reunion…"

"Eat at Joe's…"

"Ha, is that all they've got?" Yuffie said scornfully. "This should be easy!"

"Ih, like pie!" Stitch agreed.

They were right. It was. It only took a few Gunblade shots and flaming slashes from Leon, jumping lance impacts and impalings and sticks of dynamite from Cid, punishing martial arts moves from Tifa, shuriken strikes and katana slices and kunai throws from Yuffie, plasma shots and slashes from Stitch, scythe swipes and bats and dark energy blasts from Aerith, and multi-sword strikes from Cloud to defeat all of the goons and cause them to evaporate into particles which were blown away by the wind. The Sephiroth clones were stunned. "What?!" cried an incredulous Kadaj.

"Hmm, they're tougher than we thought," Yazoo admitted.

"Waaaahhhhh! All my friends are gone!" Loz sobbed.

"Hmmph. Pathetic," Leon said scornfully, swiping his Gunblade through the air.

"The Heartless put up a tougher fight than those things," Cloud agreed.

"I was hoping for a bigger challenge…how disappointing!" Tifa taunted.

"Well, what do you expect? They're generic minions, no better than fodder, those always go down easily," Yuffie pointed out. "They're disposable that way."

"Oh my…I hope we didn't hurt them too badly," Aerith said anxiously, earning her glances from the others.

Stitch declined to comment, since he was chewing on the leg of a clone he had managed to dismember before it could disintegrate.

Kadaj regained his composure. "Okay, so you may be stronger than we thought…no big deal. Why don't you try on a REAL monster for size!" He snapped his fingers.

A large shadow covered the Rangers (and Cloud), and they looked up to see something absolutely immense plummeting towards them. They cried out and scrambled out of the way just before the thing hit the ground, shaking the town and cracking the pavement. "BLAAAAAARGH!" belched the monster, a grotesque, morbidly obese, incredibly corpulent mass of greenish-gray flesh which sagged underneath its own weight and spread out around it. It had several stubby, flailing arm-like appendages with fat fingers constantly grasping at the air, oozing pustules growing and bursting out of its skin, a hideous face with a gaping toothless mouth that took up most of its head, squeezing its small, piggy eyes into the scraggly blonde growth covering the top of its scalp. Its tendril-like tongue slithered out of the immense hole that was the monster's mouth and licked at the air, a rather disturbing and familiar-looking male organ swelling from the end of it.

"Oh, GROSS!" Yuffie cried, nearly throwing up. Stitch did the same, without the 'nearly'.

"Oh my!" gasped Aerith.

"That has to be one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen," said an appalled Tifa.

"Holy fuck, is that thing on its tongue what I _think_ it is?!" cried an incredulous Cid. "That's just wrong!"

"Cloud, what is that thing?!" Leon demanded.

"I have no idea," said Cloud, eyes wide. "But if I can hazard a guess, it's something they've injected Jenova cells into to create a monster!"

"He's right, Leon," Tron said over the Rangers' commlink. "I'm detecting unknown DNA in that monster's body…but what's really frightening is the DNA that _is_ known! It's a match to one of the criminals in the town's police database, one you should find very familiar: the mafia boss, pedophile, and sexual offender known as Don Corneo, who went missing from prison a few weeks ago!"

The Rangers gasped. "Don Corneo?!" Aerith cried.

"No...not him…" a horrified Yuffie whispered, shivering and backing away. "D-don't let him near me!"

"BLAAAAGGGHHH!" the monster drooled, heaving in her direction. "I WANTS TO RAPE LITTLE GURLZ! COME TO ME!" Yuffie shrieked and shielded herself with her shuriken.

"Don't worry, Yuffie," Tifa snarled, stepping in front of the traumatized ninja. "We won't let him get anywhere near you ever again…and I'm going to break his balls for good this time!"

Cid nodded in agreement. "This guy's had it coming for a long time…he's one of the few people who I don't mind getting seen turned into a monster, especially after what he nearly did to Yuffie!"

"Yessss…" Aerith snarled, the eyes on her helmet glowing red as an enraged dark aura pulsated around her. "He shall ssssuffer…I will sssend hisss evil sssoul to the Netherworld, where it belongsss!"

"Death to the googaclasta!" Stitch roared savagely.

"I don't understand…you know this guy?" a confused Cloud asked Leon.

Leon nodded, his hands clutching his Gunblade in a white-knuckled grip. "Yeah…Don Corneo's been causing problems in town for a long time. He had a criminal organization with a finger in everyone's pie; protection rackets, murders, and an underground pedophilism and sex slavery ring. Yuffie, thinking she could take him down all by herself, allowed herself to get captured so that she could get close to Corneo…and she got too close. If we hadn't managed to track her down and save her in time…" He closed his eyes under his helmet. "It's amazing that she managed to bounce back the way she did, after what almost happened. But I guess that's Yuffie for you…it's hard to keep her down for long. Even so, that time…was almost too close. Ever since that day, we've never let Yuffie go off on her own…and, amazing as it may sound, she's allowed it. Only snuck off by herself a few times. That just goes to show you how deeply Corneo shook her." He growled angrily. "And now he's back, and more a monster than ever before…we should have killed him when we had the chance."

Cloud was stunned. "…When did this happen?!"

"When you weren't here," Leon replied coldly. "But then again, when have you been?" Cloud flinched and looked away.

"Ah, so you're familiar with our friend here?" Kadaj said with a smirk. "Well, I think you'll find the new Jenova-enhanced version of him to be even worse than the original! His morbid obesity has been bulked up to make him nearly invincible by absorbing the impact of any attack which makes contact with his body and dispersing it harmlessly throughout his voluminous mass! Now, he is Don Corneole!"

There was a long pause. "Stupid name!" Stitch shouted finally.

"It's better than what Loz came up with," Yazoo said.

"Hey! I think Don Don leDonDon's a perfectly good name for him!" Loz said with a sulk, as everyone else stared at him incredulously and the monster in question drooled and defecated all over itself.

"Riiiight," Kadaj said slowly. "Anyway…Don Whatever, kill them! And fuck them too, if you want."

"GRAAAAHHH! GET IN MAH BELLAH!" the Don monster roared, splattering mucus and other unmentionables everywhere as it…_rolled_ towards the disgusted Rangers (and Cloud) on folds of its own flabby flesh.

Yuffie shrieked and backed away, trembling as she fought the instinct to break away from the group and run away. The other Rangers instinctively closed ranks around her to keep her away from the monster. "You're not getting anywhere near her ever again!" Leon snarled, squeezing the trigger on his Gunblade and causing it to make revving noises, the length of the sword bursting into flame. "Renzokuken: Lion Heart!" He clutched his sword tightly as energy spiraled into it from all around and caused the fire on the blade to blaze into a veritable inferno. Shouting in fury, he ran towards the Don and struck the monster with an upward chop, flinging the beast into the air. He leaped up after it, fire trailing from his body, and lashed out seventeen times with his Gunblade, each strike hitting the monstrosity with greater and greater strength and causing the Don's voluminous form to jiggle like a mass of moldy jelly. Leon paused for a moment, drawing back his blade and charging incredible energy into the weapon for one last blow…before dashing through the air towards the Don, slashing through him as he flew past. There was a tremendous explosion, and the grotesque beast howled, presumably in pain. "GARGHARGHARGHARGHARGH!" it wailed as it fell, smoking, back to the ground, shaking the earth and cracking the pavement (more) as it landed on its head and was enveloped in its own body mass.

"Let that be the end of you," Leon snarled, landing gracefully and turning his back to the monster.

"Ooohhh," said the other Rangers.

Loz applauded. Kadaj hit him. "Ow! Why'd you do that?!" He sniffed and started tearing up. "You-you meany!"

"Oh, shut up," Kadaj growled. "Don't think it's over! Your attack barely even scratched the Don!" These words were proven true when, with a mighty fart, the Don managed to wrench his head out of the ground and rear back up in all his ungodly horror, vomiting indignation and defiance to the winds.

"What?!" Aerith gasped.

"Gabba?!" cried Stitch.

"That's impossible, I hit it with a full-on Lion Heart!" Leon protested, eyes widening in disbelief.

"Must not have hit him hard enough," Cloud commented.

"Typical. Never let a man do a woman's job!" Tifa said, brandishing her knuckles. "I'm going to make sure you never molest or hurt another woman of any age ever again!" She charged towards the Don, who drooled lecherously, up until she pummeled his face with a powerful right-left punching combo. "Beat Rush!" She stepped back and delivered a somersault kick to his chin. "Somersault!" She then hit him with a kick to the chest that had the force of a tidal wave behind it. "Water Kick!" Using her phenomenal strength, she grabbed the Don by his flabby flesh and lifted him into the air. "Meteodrive!" She slammed him back to the ground with a powerful backdrop that shook the town. "Dolphin Blow!" She hit the Don's chin with a dolphin-like uppercut that launched him into the air, wailing and slobbering. Tifa leaped up into the air after him. "Meteor Strike!" Grabbing the monster, she spun him above her before hurling him back down to the ground with the force of a meteor, shaking the town…more. The Don belched and tried to wriggle out of the crater he had been planted in, only to find Tifa's glowing knuckle shooting towards his face. "FINAL HEAVEN!"

An explosion like a miniature nuclear blast engulfed Don Corneo and lit up the area for miles around. Tifa, her suit completely undamaged by the explosion, leapt out of the flames and landed stylishly before the rest of the team. "And that's how you kill a pervert!" she declared. Stitch and Cid applauded. Yuffie cheered ecstatically. Tifa smirked, and then rapidly wiped her hands on her suit's legs. "Ew, I touched that thing with my bare hands!"

"Actually, you were wearing gloves," Aerith pointed out.

"Oh, yeah," Tifa realized. "Well, I'll have to burn them later, then."

"Oooh, pretty fire…" Loz drooled.

"Not now, Loz, you can light something on fire later," Yazoo told his brother soothingly.

Kadaj smirked. "Ha! Not bad, girly, but is that all you got? Behold!"

The smoke from Tifa's final attack cleared, revealing…the Don was still completely undamaged! "THAT TURNED ME ONZ! GIMME MORE!!" he howled, laughing and causing the many folds of his body to jiggle disgustingly.

Yuffie shrieked and looked away as Tifa gawked. "What?! No way! That should have at least put a dent in him!"

"If Tifa can't hurt this thing…man, we're really fucked," grumbled Cid. "Unless…my newest invention can save us!" He posed stylishly, or at least what he thought would be stylish. "Airship Zord, c'mon down and cream this guy!" Cid's favorite Zord, the blue airship called Highwind, appeared from out of nowhere and unleashed a salvo of eighteen missiles which all rocketed towards the Don. "I suggest we get the hell out of the way before those things hit, boys and girls!" Cid yelled, running in the opposite direction. The other Rangers (and Cloud) were quick to follow him, just as the missiles impacted the Don and exploded with a blast rivaling that of Tifa's Final Heaven technique. Cid laughed as a mushroom cloud rose over the town. "Haha, that should do…" He trailed off as the smoke faded, revealing the Don was still there, completely untouched. "#&#&!" he cursed at the top of his lungs.

"TICKLEZ!!" giggled the Don.

"Kadaj, I want an airship!" Loz whined.

Kadaj sighed. "I'll ask Mother to get you one for your birthday…"

"Yay!" Loz cheered. He paused. "Wait, when is my birthday?" Yazoo shrugged.

"Oh no…don't tell me we're dealing with another King Leo or King Dragon!" Tifa moaned.

"Who?" asked the confused Cloud.

"A couple of giant monsters we were forced to fight at Maleficent's party…after _you_ left," Leon said accusingly.

"But-but I _had_ to go! Sephiroth killed Aerith, I couldn't let him get away with that!" Cloud protested.

"But Cloud, I got better," Aerith reminded him.

"…That's not the _point_," Cloud said in frustration. "I can't just let him do something like that and go unpunished, it's the principle of the thing!"

"Well, _did_ you punish him?" Tifa asked.

Cloud hesitated. "Well…no…"

"Wow, some principle," Cid snorted.

"G-guys?" Yuffie whimpered. "He's…he's still _there_…do something!"

"Don't worry, Yuffie," Aerith said determinedly, raising her scythe as her dark aura pulsated around her and purple lightning crackled out from her blade. "I will not allow his crimes to go unpunished! DARK MESSENGER!" She spread her wings and took to the air, holding her scythe over her head. Bats flocked to her from every direction, gathering around her crackling weapon and coalescing into an enormous sphere of pure darkness which grew larger and larger as more bats kept flying into it until it was several times bigger than Aerith herself. With a demonic cackle, the Black Vampire Ranger brought her weapon down in a powerful chop, flinging the dark orb off its end and sending it hurtling towards the Don, who was too busy ogling Aerith's sexy outfit and drooling to worry about any personal danger to himself until the sphere struck him, pressing him into the ground due to its enormous size and density before exploding into a huge dome of absolute blackness which consumed the entire plaza with the sound of a thousand screaming souls. When the dome finally imploded on itself and shrunk into nothingness, it left behind a huge crater with a pentagram formed from purple flames burning across its surface…and a completely unhurt (though somewhat dazed) Don sitting in the middle of it all. "Oh, POOP!" Aerith cursed. (sort of)

Cloud gawked. "What the…what happened to her?! She could never do anything like that before!"

"Well, that would be because she died and was resurrected into a demon by the Devil while you were fighting Sephiroth," said Cid. "A _good_ demon, though. Who's still incredibly hot, even if she still has that damn namby-pamby attitude."

"At least she's not a concubine of Satan's who will one day give birth to a legion of monsters that will one day destroy Radiant Garden," Tifa pointed out. "I mean, not anymore. She almost was, but then Merlin fixed her, thankfully."

"Eh, that's true," Cid admitted.

"Would've made for a cool movie if she did," Yuffie commented, briefly forgetting about her absolute fear of the Don to once again fantasize about how cool it would be to have unbeatable demonic powers.

"Aerith was evil, then became good again?! How'd I miss all of that?!" an incredulous Cloud asked.

"Well, it might have had a little something to do with you NEVER BEING AROUND because you're always out chasing Sephiroth," Tifa said a little too sweetly. "Not that we blame you or anything. We understand perfectly."

"Yeah, how gay you are for him," Cid snickered, until Aerith whacked him with the flat of her scythe. "Ow."

Cloud flushed. "…Okay. So maybe I do spent a little too much of my time away from the people who are supposed to be my friends-"

"A little?" Leon asked blandly.

Cloud turned redder, but kept going. "But I'm doing it because this is something I have to do, something more important to me than my own life."

"And more important than your friends, apparently," Kadaj commented. "Wow, you're a real jerk."

Cloud flushed. "You stay out of this!"

"Sorry, got kind of swept up in all the drama," Kadaj apologized.

"Shouldn't we be attacking them or something?" Yazoo asked.

"But then we'll never find out how this real-life soap opera ends!" Loz complained.

"We have television for that, Loz. Go, Don, kill them!" Kadaj commanded.

"YARRRGGGGHHHH!" the Don farted as he very slowly oozed closer to the Rangers.

An angry Cloud brandished his sword. "You guys are haranguing me for never being around? Fine. Maybe that's the reason I stay away in the first place, because none of you can ever understand me and why I do what I do! You have no right to judge me! I don't need your help to fight these guys, I'll handle them and their pet monster by myself!"

"Wow, was that what I sounded like until recently?" Leon muttered in amazement.

"Yes," all the other Rangers told him. He grunted.

Cloud charged towards the Don, his sword, the First Tsurugi (whatever happened to his old Buster Sword?) beginning to glow. "HAAAAAA!" He swung his sword upwards, knocking the Don into the air. "Omnislash…Level Five!" His sword immediately disassembled, five smaller swords splitting off from the main blade and flying into the air, where they formed a circle around the suspended Don. Cloud flew upward, leaving the sword's main blade directly above the Don, then flew away towards one of the smaller surrounding swords. Grabbing the sword (which had a hollow blade) in his right hand, Cloud turned about and flew straight into and _through_ the Don on his way to the next sword, striking the monster with the blade in his hand and causing the beast to howl in pain. Once past the Don, Cloud released the sword he was holding, grabbed another one (one of two blades that formed the back of the complete First Tsurugi), then repeated the fly-by through the Don's body, grabbed another one, and did the same thing, until he had struck the monster five times using all five of the surrounding swords. As the monster reeled in agony, he flew up to the main blade, still floating over the Don, grabbed it, and performed the final strike by flying through the Don right towards the ground, releasing the sword as he passed through. He landed on the ground beneath the monster, and the five smaller swords landed in a circle around him a moment later, followed by the main sword which fell from the sky directly above him and landed right in his hand. A moment after that, the Don fell to the ground behind him, landing on its head and cracking the ground…again. "Hmmph. That wasn't so hard."

Cid, Tifa, Aerith, Yuffie, and Stitch applauded. Leon huffed and crossed his arms. "My attack was way cooler than that…and it had an explosion. All he did was some fancy swordplay…"

"Well, that was certainly fancy," Kadaj admitted. "But it wasn't enough! Behold, for the Don is STILL alive!"

"Yay!" Loz cheered, clapping like a little child.

"What?!" Cloud cried incredulously as the Don pulled itself back up, STILL looking undamaged despite having gotten impaled and ran through by all of First Tsurugi's blades. "But…but how…even Sephiroth has trouble defending against that technique! How could this thing survive my Omnislash?!"

"Wow, guess the almighty Cloud Strife CAN'T do everything on his own," Cid said mockingly. "What a surprise."

"If only he had learned it sooner, like Leon did," Tifa said, pretending to mourn.

"Maybe we should have Tifa's boyfriend beat him up, just like he beat up Leon," Yuffie suggested.

"Now Yuffie, that's not very nice, no matter how appropriate it might be," Aerith scolded the ninja.

Cloud started. "Tifa's got a boyfriend?!"

Tifa glared at him. "Well, duh. What, did you think I was going to wait around for you forever while you ran off to play with Sephiroth every time I found you? Even I had only so much tolerance for your attitude and behavior, Cloud Strife."

"But…but I thought-" Cloud stammered.

"You thought wrong," Tifa replied coldly.

"Why are they having all this melodrama when they're supposed to be fighting us?" asked a frustrated Kadaj.

"Because they're even more dysfunctional than we are," Yazoo said.

Kadaj blinked. "Oh…that make sense."

"Yay!" Loz clapped.

"Why are you clapping now?" Kadaj asked his brother.

Loz paused. "…I don't know." Kadaj and Yazoo rolled their eyes.

"Well, emotional drama aside, we STILL can't put a dent in that thing," Cid grumbled, getting everyone back on track. "Unless, of course, Yuffie wants to try something?"

"No," Yuffie squeaked, shivering and hiding behind Aerith, who hugged her comfortingly. "I'm not getting anywhere near that thing!"

"Then I'm all outta ideas," Cid grunted.

Stitch blew a raspberry. "Stupidheads. You doing it all wrong! Stitch show you how it done!" He whistled and struck a pose. "Come on, Stitch Machine!" His bright red space cruiser appeared out of nowhere and rocketed down towards him. Stitch backflipped through the air and landed neatly in the driver's seat of the vehicle before it could crash into him, steering it back up into the air away from the plaza. He struck another pose. "Come on, BIG Stitch Machine!" With a great rumble and a flash of light, his big red battleship appeared over Radiant Garden. His cruiser flew into the larger vessel, initiating the transformation that resulted in the Magna Stitch Majiin looming over the much, MUCH smaller Don, whose eyes bulged out of their sockets at the size of the giant robot towering over it.

"UH-OH…" he burped.

"Oooh…I want one!" Loz squealed.

"No, Loz, you can't even pilot a Gummi Ship without wrecking it, you're not getting a giant robot!" Kadaj snapped. Loz's lip quivered, and he began to cry. Kadaj groaned and smacked his forehead. "Ugh…why do you have to be such a crybaby?! And why do YOU have to wear a dress?!" he yelled at Yazoo, who shrugged.

Cloud was stunned. "He has a giant robot?!"

"We all do," said Leon. "Cid built them."

"That's right, I did!" Cid said proudly. "Can't be a team of spandex-clad superheroes without transforming giant robots, after all!"

"He even made one for you," said Tifa. "But, since you're never around, and you probably wouldn't want to be a Ranger even if you were, we eventually decided to stop using it and rent it out to children's birthday parties and the like."

"…Oh," said Cloud, rather disconcerted.

Stitch laughed malevolently from the cockpit of his giant mecha. "Meega nala kwista! You die now!" Cackling insanely, he started stomping repeatedly on the helpless Don, using all the power in his giant robot legs. "Ahahahahaha!" He stopped stomping for a moment to fire his weapons several times at the monster, stomped on it again, fired some more, stomped some more, fired, stomped, and repeated the process several times, just to amuse himself.

Aerith frowned. "Isn't it against the rules to use the Zords in battle before the monster's gotten bigger?"

"I don't think Yuffie really cares about enforcing the rules at the moment," said Leon.

He was right. "THAT'S IT, STITCH! KILL HIM! POP HIM LIKE A ZIT! DON'T LET UP FOR A MINUTE, I WANT THAT BASTARD TO _SUFFER!_" the ninja shrieked.

"Oh," said a surprised Aerith. "Well…at least she seems happy again."

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Yuffie screamed.

"Relatively speaking…" Aerith murmured.

"I'm afraid that won't work," Tron said over the Rangers' commlink. "I've analyzed the Don's molecular structure in response to all of your attacks, and I'm afraid Kadaj is right, it _is_ nearly invincible! It's somehow able to control its body mass to absorb the brunt of your attacks and disperse it harmlessly throughout its immense form, using its incredible size and weight to its own advantage! Fortunately, I've formulated a plan that just might be able to get around that and destroy this criminal once and for all!"

"Why didn't you tell us that in the _first_ place?!" Leon demanded.

"You're supposed to try several attacks that fail before coming up with one that works. Isn't that the rule?" asked a puzzled Tron. Leon groaned and smacked his forehead.

"I don't believe this," said an incredulous Cloud, shaking his head angrily.

"Tron, what's your idea?" Aerith asked before anyone could start cursing.

"Well, I've just completed a weapon that should be able to penetrate the Don's flesh without getting dispersed across his body, by delivering an incredibly powerful strike to a single point on his form. Theoretically, it should destroy him," the program explained.

"Theoretically?" Cid asked dubiously.

"Never mind that, we'll give anything a try at this point," said Leon. "Tron, send it over."

"It's already on its way. I've dispatched Red XIII and Cait Sith to deliver it to you. They should arrive shortly," Tron reported.

He was right. Only moments later, the panther-like Red XIII dashed over at high speeds, the wailing and much smaller Cait Sith clinging to his back and trying his hardest not to get thrown off. Unfortunately, his efforts were in vain, for when Red came to an abrupt halt before the Rangers the sudden stop caused the smaller cat to get flung over the larger beast's shoulders and slam into a wall. "Ow…" he moaned. He peeled himself off. "Och, lad, what'd ye do that for?!"

"It might have had something to do with you digging your claws into my shoulders," Red said calmly.

"I was only doing it because ye were running so damned fast, ye daft beast!" Cait Sith snapped back. "I was trying not tae get thrown off!"

"Didn't work very well, did it?" Red commented dryly. Cait Sith seethed.

"Nanaki," said Cloud. "Long time no see."

Red nodded to the blonde swordsman. "Same here, Cloud. You've been wandering quite a ways, haven't you?"

Cloud nodded. "And I still have a ways to go."

"The two o' you enigmatic wackjobs can reminisce and catch up later," Cid interjected. "Red, where's that weapon Tron promised us?"

"Aye, ye're lookin' at it!" Cait Sith laughed. The Rangers stared at him in confusion.

Red XIII smirked faintly. "Allow me to demonstrate." He tensed his muscles and crouched down to the ground. A shimmer washed over his body, and abruptly he turned from flesh and bones and fur and muscle to cold metal and electronics, transforming from a large red-furred pantherine creature to a large hand-held cannon built to look somewhat like Red XIII, with the barrel sticking out of the transfigured animal's mouth.

The Rangers gawked. "Holy…" gasped Tifa.

Cloud's eyes widened. "What…what the…"

"How the #& did he do that?!" Cid demanded.

"Was that magic, or some kind of strange science?" wondered an amazed Aerith.

"I don't think that really matters right now. Tron, what is this?" Leon asked the computer.

"I call it, the 'Crimson Cannon!'" Tron said proudly. "By utilizing Cybertronian technology graciously provided by our new 'teammate,' Herbimus Prime-"

"What?! He gave you tech?! That slagger never gives me anything!" Cid swore angrily.

"With good reason…" Tifa muttered under her breath.

"Er, anyway, using Cybertronian tech I was able to figure out a way to temporarily convert Red XIII's organic body into a metallic weapon capable of harnessing zero-point energy and focusing it into an incredibly powerful shot capable of piercing and destroying almost any target!" Tron explained.

"I have no idea what you just said, but 'pierce' and 'destroy' sounds really good right about now," Leon said. "So, it can kill the Don?"

"Indubitably! Well, there _is_ a slight margin of error, but it's highly unlikely that the cannon will blow up in your hands and kill you all," Tron admitted.

The Rangers gave each other uneasy looks. Cid sighed. "Well, hell, why not? I'm willing to give it a try."

"I guess I will, too," Tifa said uncertainly.

"I'm sure everything will turn out all right!" Aerith said optimistically.

"Just in case, I'm going to stand over here," Cloud said, backing far, far away.

"This cannon's gonna require all ye wee Rangers to work it, so ye'd better get Miss Yuffie and that crazy-ass alien down here before ye try firing that thing!" Cait Sith informed the Rangers as they walked over to the Crimson Cannon.

"Why? Does it feed on all our Ranger powers to work?" Aerith asked the cat.

Cait Sith shook his head. "No, it's just damn heavy, and there's no way the three of ye can lift it by yerselves…not even an abnormally strong lass like yerself, Miss Lockhart."

"He's…right…ungh!" Tifa grunted as she struggled to pick up the cannon and only managed to lift it an inch off the ground. "I think this is heavier than anything else I've ever had to lift in my life…well, except maybe for the Don, and certain monsters."

"Yuffie! Stitch! Get over here!" Leon ordered. "We're going to use this cannon to destroy the Don, but we can't do it without you!"

At the prospect of a brand new weapon and the chance to cause considerable destruction, the ninja and the alien were with the other Rangers in a flash. "All right!" Yuffie cheered when she saw the cannon. "Now it's time for that pervert to find out what it's like to get raped! Not that he raped me or anything, but…you know…it got kind of close…"

"Stitch wanna shoot cannon! Stitch wanna shoot cannon!" the Magna Ranger cried, grabbing the cannon and lifting it over his head as if it weighed about as much as a feather. Tifa gave him an envious look.

"All right, Rangers," Cait Sith said, hopping on top of the cannon. "Everyone, grab hold of this bad boy and open fire! We'll blast that rotten pedophile into the next century!" He frowned. "Too bad I don't have me bagpipes, else I'd play us a jolly battle song tae rally our spirits…"

"Yeah, too bad you…misplaced it," Tifa said, giving Yuffie a meaningful glance. "We really liked hearing you play that thing…day and night…"

"Aye, so did I, lass, so did I," Cait Sith said sadly, not noticing Tifa and Yuffie were giggling at him behind his back. Aerith didn't giggle, but only because she thought it wouldn't be polite.

The Rangers quickly positioned themselves around the cannon, Leon grabbing the trigger and stock on the back while the other four crouched down and held onto the sides. Stitch kept the whole thing in the air. Cait Sith just stood on top, his little cape blowing dramatically. "Crimson Cannon charging," Leon reported, as the weapon glowed and energy flowed into it from all around. "Ready for firing in 5…4…3…"

"Brother, why are we letting them fire that thing? Shouldn't we destroy it to make sure they can't kill the Don?" Yazoo asked Kadaj.

Kadaj shrugged. "Eh, I don't really feel like it. It probably won't work, anyway."

The Rangers were about to prove him wrong. "FIRE!" Cait Sith bellowed, striking a pose and pointing at the Don.

"Crimson Cannon, GO!" the Rangers shouted as the mechanized Red XIII's mouth lit up and fired a red energy beam at the Don. The beam struck the monster in the chest and caused the abomination to wheeze and double and triple over in pain as it pressed _hard_ into his gut, piercing the supposedly impenetrable flesh and tearing out the other side, blowing up the building the Sons of Sephiroth had been standing on just moments before (the trio having jumped out of the way before the beam could hit them). The Don howled in agony, his folds of flesh literally crawling in pain as he started swelling up to his full bulk, stretching his skin tight, until finally he exploded like an oversized zit, spraying pus and all sorts of other disgusting things across the plaza.

Cloud's eyes widened. "It worked?!"

"Haha! Victory, lads!" Cait Sith cheered, doing a jig on top of the cannon.

"Mission complete," Leon said. "Nice work, Tron."

"Glad to be of service in destroying such a menace to society!" Tron said, sounding very pleased indeed.

"I'll be glad never to see that &# bastard ever again," Cid snarled.

"Yeah! And stay dead!" Yuffie yelled. "That's what you get for trying to molest the Great Ninja Yuffie!"

"Good riddance," said Tifa.

"Usually, I wouldn't say anything like that, but…I agree completely, Tifa!" Aerith said.

"Yeeha!" Stitch cried exultantly, throwing the cannon (and poor Cait Sith) into the air.

"Waaaaahhhhh!" yelled the cat as he hit the ground…and was abruptly crushed beneath the Crimson Cannon, which landed on top of him. "Ow…a little help, please?"

Loz burst into tears. "Waaaaaahhhh! They made our monster go boom!"

"Don't cry, Loz," Yazoo said softly. "It won't be gone for much longer…"

Kadaj cackled and took out a vial full of a mysterious liquid. "That's right…especially not after we use THIS on the poor, departed Don!"

Cloud gasped. "Oh no! That's a vial of Jenova cells! If they use that on the Don's remains-"

"He'll be resurrected as a giant monster?" Leon finished.

Cloud blinked. "How did you know that?"

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Well, _duh_, that's how all Power Rangers monsters work! But…wait…that means Corneo'll be back…and bigger than ever…oh god, HIDE ME!"

"Don't worry, Yuffie, we'll protect you from him, no matter how big he gets!" Aerith promised the ninja.

"That's right, no matter how enormous or ugly he gets, he can't defeat us!" Tifa agreed.

"Ha! We'll see about that!" Kadaj cried, flinging the vial at the splattered and gory mess that was all that was left of the Don.

The vial shattered, spraying its contents everywhere. As the strange glowing blue-green liquid that the vial had contained was soaked into the fleshy bits of the Don's body, a strange reaction began to occur. The flesh started wriggling and bubbling, swelling up and melding together and growing bigger and bigger in a rather disgusting process before congealing to form a giant and even uglier version of the mutated Don Corneo! "GUUUUUHHHH! I BACK, BABY! GIMME SOME LUV!" he wheezed.

Yuffie squealed in fright, but managed to get herself under control. "No…I'm not going to let my fear control me anymore! That's not the ninja way! This time, I'll fight…and finish that bastard once and for all!"

"That's the spirit!" Aerith said encouragingly.

"Tron, send the Zords!" Leon commanded. "Let's take this thing apart!"

"Right away, Leon!" Tron replied. "I'm also sending Herbimus along so you can combine your Zords and become even more powerful. You'll need as much strength as you can get to fight that monster now that it's a giant!"

"Sounds like a good idea," Cid said. "Glad I built that new combining upgrade thing for our Zords."

"I thought Tron and Herbimus did that," Aerith said.

"…Er…" Cid grunted.

"You really think you can beat something that big with colorful giant robots?" Cloud asked skeptically.

Tifa shrugged. "Better than fighting them as we are now…you know, what with the major size difference and all."

"Point…" Cloud admitted.

"Here they come!" Yuffie announced. "Everyone, get ready! Oh, and Stitch, you can get back into your Zord, since it's already here."

"Woohoo!" Stitch cheered, running back to his Magna Stitch Majiin.

"Red Lion Zord, descend!" Leon leaped into the air and landed in the cockpit of his red and black winged robot lion. "Griever, power up!"

"Airship Zord, c'mon down!" Cid cried. There was a pause. "Oh, wait, you're already here. Forgot about that." He leaped into the air and landed in the Highwind's cockpit.

"Yellow Power Zord, arise!" Tifa leaped into the air and landed in the cockpit of her yellow space fighter jet. "Yellow Force Flier, power up!"

"Summon juutsu! Ninja Helicopter Zord!" Yuffie called. She leaped into the air and landed in the cockpit of her green giant helicopter. "Ninja Star, power up!"

"Galwit Mysto Prifior!" Aerith chanted, causing a dark purple pentagram spell-seal to lower over her and transform her into a demonic giant robot. "Mystic Succubus Zord!"

"Now, Megazord formation!" Leon commanded, pushing some buttons on his console.

The five robots quickly converged, transformed, and combined; Griever forming the chest, wings, and upper legs; the Force Flier becoming the left arm, the Ninja Star transforming into the right arm (for once, rather than becoming the Ninja Star Megazord and doing its own thing); the Highwind split in two and became the lower legs and feet; and the Succubus Zord formed the new robot's head. The Rangers made weird arm motions inside the mecha's cockpit (including Aerith, despite her being one of the robot's constituent parts). "Go, go, Radiant Megazord!" A tremendous explosion occurred behind the robot for no reason, blowing up the street and surrounding buildings.

"…" Cloud blinked, incredulous. "I've got to be dreaming…"

"Afraid not, lad. Could ye kindly get this offa me?" Cait Sith begged.

"And now, to kick things up a notch!" Leon said, pushing some more buttons. "Herbimus! We need your help!"

_Beep beep!_ Honked the white buggie as it drove down the street towards the Radiant Megazord, passing an amazed Cloud in the process. "Was that Herbie the Love Bug?"

"Yes. Will ye get this thing offa me?" Cait Sith asked.

"Autobots, transform and roll out!" Herbimus played on his radio, the _Transformers_ theme song blaring from his speakers as he transformed into Herbimus Prime and leaped into the air towards the Radiant Megazord.

Cloud's jaw dropped. "Did Herbie the Love Bug just turn into an Autobot?!"

Cait Sith sighed. "Yes lad, he did. A little help here?"

The Magna Stitch Majiin and Radiant Megazord turned towards Herbimus as he soared towards them. "I always love this part," Yuffie commented. "It's so cool!"

"Ih, ih!" Stitch agreed.

The compartment on Herbimus' chest containing the Matrix of Leadership opened up. "'Be our light in our darkest hour!'" Herbimus' recorded voice quoted, light streaming from his chest as 'The Touch' played in the background.

The bodies of the Radiant Megazord and Magna Stitch Majiin began to glow. "Radiant Fusion power!" all the Rangers cried. The body of the Magna Stitch Majiin suddenly split apart, turning into several separate mecha pieces that flew towards the Megazord, transforming in midair. The Magna Stitch Majiin's four arms attached themselves to the forearms of the Radiant Megazord, creating a pair of huge twin cannons on each limb. The Stitch Majiin's legs transformed into rocket engines and clamped onto the sides of the Megazord's legs to give it greater thruster power. The torso split in two then reconfigured itself to create a red armored vest which slid onto the Radiant Megazord's chest without compromising the lion head or wings, granting extra protection as well as spines growing from the back. A plate bearing the number 626 planted itself on the lion's forehead. The helmet on the Megazord's head vanished and was replaced by a new one made from the transformed head of the Magna Stitch Majiin, giving it big horn-like ears and antenna which were also stiffened up to look like horns. Herbimus Prime changed back into a car and glided into the mouth of the lion's head on the new robot's chest and into a concealed slot in the back, connecting himself to the mecha's enery core and granting it unfathomable power. The robot's eyes glowed and the lion head roared as electricity crackled out from the Zord's body. "Radiant Ultrazord!" A brilliant light shone from the robot's body, as more explosions erupted behind it.

Cloud's jaw dropped. "Did…did they just…"

"Yes, they did! Will ye get this thing offa me already?!" Cait Sith yelled.

"Ooohhhh…" said Loz, eyes wide in awe.

"No, Loz, we are not getting you one of your own," Kadaj said before Loz could ask. "And what the hell is with that theme song? It's so…dated!"

"Eh, I've heard worse," said Yazoo with a shrug. He was still wearing a dress.

"Radiant Buster!" the Rangers cried as the Ultrazord thrusted its arms forward and fired several hundred explosive rounds per second from the cannons on its arms. The impact was very powerful and shoved the Don back, groaning as its flesh rippled and undulated all around it.

"I think that actually did some damage!" Yuffie cried ecstatically.

"Sorry, I'm afraid it didn't," Tron corrected her, causing the six Rangers in the new, larger cockpit to groan. "I would recommend trying something stronger."

"Right," said Leon, inputting some commands into his console. "We already know how tough this thing is, so I see no reason in drawing this out. Let's bring in the Prism Blade!"

"I always like using that thing. It's so pretty," commented Aerith. "I wonder why we never use it right away in battle…"

"Because it's against the rules, duh," Yuffie pointed out. "We're not supposed to use the sword as anything else but a finishing move. That's how this sort of thing works!"

"Ih! Unless you have BIG guns!" Stitch cackled.

"And we have both of those on this baby, so I'd say we're fine," Cid laughed nastily

A beam of rainbow light shot down from the heavens and shone on the Radiant Ultrazord. The giant mecha extended a hand, and a beautiful crystal sword shining with all the colors of the spectrum lowered into its waiting grip. As the rainbow light faded, the Ultrazord slashed its new weapon through the air a few times, leaving a colorful trail in its wake. "Radiant Ultrazord with Prism Power!"

"Why do we always say that after we summon that thing?" Tifa wondered.

"The rules," Cid, Yuffie, Leon, and Stitch reminded her (dryly in the case of the elder two, pointedly in the case of the younger).

"Ah," Tifa said. "Right. Of course."

"All right, boys and girls, let's cream that sorry sonuvabitch!" Cid whooped. "Full speed ahead!"

The new rocket thrusters on the Ultrazord's legs and lining the backs of the spines on its vest ignited and propelled the giant mecha forward at incredible speeds as it drew back its crystal sword. "Radiant…JOUST!" With all the power in its arm, plus the thrust given to it by the rockets, the Ultrazord drove its sword forward, piercing the Don's flesh! The grotesque monstrosity howled in pain as the sword sank into its flesh…

And continued sinking, taking the Ultrazord's arm with it and burying it in the Don's chest all the way up to its shoulder. Cloud blinked. "Wait, was that supposed to happen?"

"Probably not," said Cait Sith "And WHEN ARE YE GOING TAE GET THIS BLASTED THING OFFA ME?!"

The Ultrazord tugged on its stuck arm with its free arm, but to no avail, the robot was unable to pull it out. "Um…crap. I don't think this is right," said an alarmed Leon. "We're trapped!"

"And it only gets worse…we're still sinking!" Aerith cried.

He was right. The Don's flesh was slowly oozing up the shoulder of the robot arm trapped in its body mass, hungrily slithering across the Ultrazord's metal hide in hopes of adding it to the Don's bulk. The Ultrazord, seeing this, tugged more frantically at its arm to try and get it out of the monster's chest, but only proceeded in speeding up the absorption process, much like how struggling in quicksand only makes its victims sink even faster. "GET IN MAH BELLY!" the Don burbled gleefully.

"Oh, GROSS!" Tifa cried in disgust.

"Icky patookie!" Stitch agreed, sticking out his tongue.

"No...no…nonononono…" Yuffie whimpered, shivering and holding herself. "It's just like in my nightmares…I'm going to be enveloped by his corpulent mass…he's going to EAT me, body and soul…just what he's always wanted…I'm going to be a part of him forever…oh God…I…I can't take this…" She put her head between her knees, heaving and gasping for breath.

"Aw, hell, I don't wanna go like this! Eaten up by osmosis through some disgusting giant monster's skin!" Cid cursed, working his controls frantically and only causing sparks to fly and foul-smelling smoke to fill the cockpit, which only made him curse even more.

"Tron, is there anything we can do to get out of this?" Leon asked the computer program.

"Hold on a second…yes…yes, Herbimus has an idea that just might work!" the computer program replied. "He says that if you fire the Matrix Cannon at point-blank range, you might be able to blast your way free from the Don's body!"

"But won't the recoil cause severe internal damage?" asked an alarmed Aerith.

"Well, yes," Tron admitted. "But it'd probably be better than getting absorbed into the Don's flesh."

"He's got a point," Cid admitted.

"I suppose if we have no other choice…" Tifa relented.

"Big BOOM!" Stitch yelled enthusiastically.

"Do it! DO IT!" Yuffie shrieked, grabbing Leon by the shoulders and shaking him frantically.

"All right, all right!" Leon said, shoving her off of him. "Okay, everyone brace yourselves! Engage the Matrix Cannon!"

The jaws of the lion head on the Ultrazord's chest gaped wider, and a cannon barrel extended from it, its tip only inches away from the Don's flesh. The immense monster looked down in puzzlement as the weapon gathered power and fired at point-blank range, creating a tremendous explosion which shook the planet, temporarily blinded everyone foolish enough to look into it, and caused the monster to bellow in pain.

"Oooh, pretty!" Loz drooled.

"MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!" shrieked Kadaj.

"They weren't that beautiful," said Yazoo.

"Oh, shut up, you crossdressing fruitcake!"

When the light from the explosion faded, the full extent of the damage from firing the cannon could be seen. The plaza and all the surrounding buildings had been completely vaporized, every window in town was broken, and quite a few homes and businesses had collapsed from the shockwave of the blast. The town's trademark giant castle was the only thing undamaged, due to its sturdy structure and Ansem the Wise having (naturally) the wisdom to reinforce it considering the kinds of explosive experiments his eventually traitorous apprentices liked to indulge in. The Don was, frustratingly enough, still completely intact, albeit dazed and a bit blackened. As for the Radiant Ultrazord, it had indeed been blown free from the monster, just as Tron predicted. However…

It had left its limb behind. The severed right arm that had gotten stuck in the Don's chest was STILL stuck there, and had been ripped off at the shoulder due to the explosion that had broken the Ultrazord free. "No! That bastard still has my Zord! He's contaminating it! I can never use it again, not knowing that HE touched it and had it in his disgusting oozing body mass and everything!" Yuffie shouted, on the verge of tears.

"Don't worry, Yuffie, Cid will build you another…won't you, Cid?" Aerith asked, glaring at the engineer threateningly.

Cid gulped. Even if Aerith was nice again, the demon in her could still be as terrifying as any other denizen of Hell. "S-sure thing. Assuming we manage to get out of here alive, that is. That cannon did a real damn number on us! There's barely a bolt on this thing that isn't busted!"

Cid was correct. The point-blank explosion had caused the cannon itself to overload and detonate, destroying the head of Leon's prized Griever Zord and scattering its jaw fragments all over the city. Several sparking cables and pistons jutted out from the stump of a shoulder where Yuffie's Ninja Star helicopter had once been. The cannons on the Ultrazord's left arm were busted, crushed under the mecha's own weight when it had landed on them after being hurled away by the explosion from the Matrix Cannon. The Ultrazord's left leg was broken, one of the wings had been torn off, and the thruster-spines on its back were ruined as well. And poor Herbimus, who was integrated into the power core and had helped channel the blast for the Matrix Cannon, had been so damaged by the recoil from the blast that he had been forced into stasis lock. All in all, the mecha was in sorry shape, and certainly not in any condition to protect itself from the horrendous fleshy monster oozing towards them with plans of giant robot rape on its single-celled mind. "SEEEEEXXX!" the Don drooled.

"Looks like the Ultrazord's about to lose its virginity," Cid said dryly. "Well, that sucks. We don't even have protection."

"Cid, please shut up before I literally rip your head off," Tifa growled.

"I'll help," Aerith offered, causing Cid to yelp and shut up.

"Well, that's it, I'm outta here before the XXX-rated Hentai-fest begins," Yuffie said, running over to the nearest exit door. She tugged on it. It wouldn't open. "Uh, Leon, could you unlock the door?" She tugged on it harder. "Please?"

"Can't. Nearly all our systems were fried by the explosion. The doors are jammed shut," Leon said flatly. "So we're pretty much stuck here."

"What?!" Yuffie screamed, starting to hyperventilate. "NO! I am NOT getting stuck in here while that-that FREAK comes over here and…and…" She took a deep breath. "Stitch! Get over here and help me open this door!"

"Okietaka." Stitch got out of his seat and rushed over to help Yuffie.

"Does Tron have any ideas on how we can get out of this?" Aerith asked Cid.

Cid checked his console. "Ah…no, because I can't reach him."

"What?!" Aerith cried in alarm.

"That explosion generated an EMP—that's electromagnetic pulse—which shorted out every damn piece of electronic crap in the city, including Tron!" Cid snarled, pounding a fist on his console angrily.

"I thought he was insulated against things like that," said a concerned Tifa.

"He was," Cid agreed. "Except that SOMEONE'S been chewing on the power cables again!"

Everyone glared at Stitch. "Oops," he said, looking embarrassed. "I sorry."

"Bwahahaha! This is perfect! They're completely helpless and at the mercy of the Don, who naturally has no mercy! Soon the Power Rangers will be dead, and nobody will be able to stop us from getting Mother back!" Kadaj cackled.

"What about Cloud?" asked Loz.

Kadaj paused. "Well…okay, we'll have to kill him, and_ then_ we'll get Mother back!"

"Yay!" cheered Loz.

Yazoo frowned. "Guys, are we old enough to be watching what the Don's about to do to that robot?"

Kadaj thought about that for a moment. A sly grin came to his face. "Well, Mother and Big Brother aren't here to stop us…"

Loz clapped happily. "Yay! We get to watch restricted television!"

"This is real life, Loz, not television," Yazoo corrected his brother.

The big lummox looked at the man in the dress blankly. "There's a difference?"

Cloud shook his head in dismay as the Don slithered over to the Radiant Ultrazord. "They need my help…but what can I do? My sword's no use against that thing…"

"Well, lad," Cait Sith, who was still under the Crimson Cannon, piped up. "It might become powerful enough…if ye were to become a Power Ranger."

Cloud glanced at the trapped cat. "What?"

Cait Sith smirked. "Remember what the others said? They originally built a Zord for ye, but since ye were never around to use it they gave it away…but that's not all they made for ye! They built a Morpher too, and have been saving it for ye, in the unlikely event that ye'd get that Buster Sword out of yer ass and settle down to become part of the team instead of always running off after that Sephiroth blighter. They made a Morpher just in case ye wanted tae be one of them. Tae be a member of Power Rangers: Radiant Force."

Cloud was stunned. "…They went to all that trouble for me? Even though they knew I'd never join them, not until I'd defeated Sephiroth, and maybe not even then?"

"Of course they did, ye daft fool! They're yer friends! What else would they do?!" Cait Sith snapped. "Of course, considering how ye treat them and stay as far away from them as possible, I wouldn't say _ye_ consider them friends, do ye now?"

"…I have to stay away," Cloud said. "It's for their-"

"It's for nobody's good but yer own, ye idiot!" Cait Sith snarled. "Ye stay away so ye don't have anything to tie ye down and keep ye from going after Sephiroth time and time again! He's the only thing that matters to ye, maybe even more than yerself…but ye know what's going tae happen, if and when ye do kill him, don't ye Cloud? Ye won't have anyone left. Ye'll have pushed everyone away long ago tae continue yer pointless quest of vengeance…and then all ye'll have left is yerself. And ye know, far better than I do, that the only person ye hate more than Sephiroth is yerself, Cloud Strife."

"…"

"It doesn't have tae be that way, though," Cait Sith said softly. "As it so happens, I have the Morpher they made for ye right here. I brought it along in case ye might need it. And while ye might not…I think the others certainly do. All ye have to do is take it…and say the magic words…and ye'll become a Power Ranger, with the strength ye need tae save yer friends."

Cloud was torn, an anguished expression on his face. "But…but I can't…Sephiroth…if I'm not out there chasing him, he-"

"Will show up around here sooner or later, pissed that ye're not playing his games anymore," Cait Sith interjected. "And when that happens, he'll have tae face the full might of the Power Rangers! With everyone backing ye, don't ye think there's a chance that ye might be able to slay the beastie once and fer all?"

"…Maybe…" Cloud said very doubtfully. "But…I just…don't know…"

Cait Sith sighed in exasperation. "It's not that hard a decision, lad. If ye choose tae be a Ranger, ye'll save yer friend's lives. If ye don't, they're going tae die. It's as simple as that. So, tell me, Cloud…what's really more important to ye? Yer friends…or Sephiroth? Because, ultimately, that's the choice ye're really being asked to make."

Cloud closed his eyes, deep in thought as he tried to make one of the hardest decisions in his life. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, seeing that the Don had almost made it to the helpless and immobile Radiant Ultrazord. "I…"

Before Cloud could announce his decision, there was a sudden white blur, a feline snarl, and a wail of anguish from the Don as it reared back, pus and gore spraying from a gaping wound in its side. The blur landed nearby and turned around, revealing itself to be a giant white robot tiger. "I'll kindly ask you to keep your pseudopods off of my girlfriend, abomination," its pilot, a lean muscled figure wearing white spandex with black tiger stripes, gold pauldrons, and a helmet in the shape of a tiger's head with feline ear crests and a black visor where the eyes would have been, snarled coldly at the moaning Don.

Aerith gasped. "Oh my! It's the White Tiger Ranger!"

"All right! We're saved!" Yuffie cheered.

"Woohoo!" Stitch hollered.

Cid sighed in relief. "Thank goodness for the law of dramatic plot contrivances…"

Leon glanced at Tifa. "I thought you said he wouldn't be able to help out today."

Tifa blushed under her helmet. "I thought so too. I guess he got off work early …or just left. He _is_ the boss; after all, he can probably do that whenever he wants."

"Well, good thing you're dating him then, huh?" Aerith joked, causing Tifa to flush a deeper red. Good thing nobody could see it.

"Yeah, instead of a lower-ranked white- or blue-collar worker who has to work regular hours to make ends meet, like the rest of us," Cid grumbled. "Guess I shouldn't complain though, seeing as how he's saving our asses!"

Cloud gaped. "What the…"

"What?! Another Ranger?! No way!" Kadaj ranted. "How many of them are there, anyway?! They just keep multiplying, like, like-"

"Bunnies?" Loz suggested.

"Cockroaches!" snapped Kadaj.

Loz sulked. "Awww, I like bunnies…"

"Cait Sith, who the hell is that?!" Cloud demanded.

The trapped cat grinned eagerly. "Lad, our prayers have been answered! That there is the White Tiger Ranger, the strongest Ranger of them all, mainly because he has unlimited resources and didn't rely on Cid to build his Zord."

"There's a SEVENTH Ranger?!" Cloud shouted. "Then why the hell were you trying to convince ME to become a Ranger if you thought that guy could still show up and save the day?!"

Cait Sith blinked. "But I didn't think he would show up and save the day. He's a billionaire tycoon and in charge of one of the biggest corporations in the galaxy…not as big as Scrooge McDuck's financial empire, of course, but still pretty big. He's a very busy man, and can't always come to help us out because he often has tae attend important meetings that could decide the fate and careers of millions of people on dozens of worlds. Today was one of those days. I guess he finished doing it earlier than expected and was able tae find time to show up and save us. Good thing, aye?"

"…Then that whole talk to convince me to be a Ranger was just because you didn't think the other guy was going to show up?!" Cloud yelled angrily.

"Er…" Cait Sith grinned sheepishly. "Well, it was also because I thought ye needed to decide what was really important tae ye in life, but…yeah, pretty much."

Cloud looked as if there was nothing he wanted to do more than separate the cat's head from his shoulders. Instead, barely managing to control himself, he said, "I hope you realize I'm not going to get you out from under there for that."

Cait Sith sighed. "Aye lad, I know, I know."

Cloud turned away. "Who is this White Ranger? You said he's a wealthy businessman?"

"Aye," said Cait Sith. "And Tifa's new boyfriend." Cloud bristled at that, much to the cat's pleasure. "His name is…"

"Khan!" Tifa cried over the commlink (which Cid had managed to fix by sticking some paperclips together) "What are you doing here? I thought you had a board meeting!"

"Oh, I did," the tiger replied. "But it turned out to be far much less important than I thought it would be, so I fired the idiots responsible for wasting my time and rushed over here as soon as I received your distress signal."

"…We didn't send a distress signal," said a confused Tifa.

"Yeah, I think I'd remember that," Yuffie agreed.

"Actually, I sent it," Tron said, startling everyone.

"Tron! You're all right?" Aerith cried in relief.

"Yes, I'm fine. The backup generators in the castle came online and rebooted me…though now I have a splitting headache," the computer program complained. "I sent a distress signal to Khan's Ranger communicator right after I dispatched the Zords, certain that you'd need his help if he could make it."

"Wait, you mean you sent that signal _before_ we were even in serious trouble?!" asked an alarmed Cid.

"Don't you have any faith in us?" asked an annoyed Yuffie.

"Not really, no," Tron admitted.

"I'm not sure I blame him…" Leon muttered under his breath as Stitch, Yuffie, and _Cid_ childishly blew raspberries at the AI.

"How were you able to damage that monster? Our own weapons have been unable to even penetrate the skin without…well, losing an arm," Tifa asked.

"The claws of my White Tigerzord are lined with microfilament fibers capable of slicing through molecules," Khan explained. "Making them one of the sharpest cutting edges in the galaxy."

"Oooh," Stitch and Yuffie said, impressed.

"Why don't we have any of those?" Yuffie complained, glaring at Cid.

"Because not all of us are multibillionaire businessmen who can afford to use top-of-the-line technology and enormous manufacturing facilities to construct incredibly powerful and advanced giant robots at a whim!" Cid snapped.

"Maybe we would if you stopped spending our munny on booze…" Yuffie grumbled.

Cid slammed a hand on his console angrily. "I don't, dammit! Not anymore! Especially because Aerith keeps threatening to send me to a horrible nightmare world if I don't quit…" He glanced at the Black Ranger fearfully.

"It's for your own good, Cid," Aerith said motheringly. "If it'll get you to stop your health-destroying bad habits, I'll do whatever I deem necessary to do so." Cid shuddered.

"Khan, now that you're here, would you mind lending us a hand in destroying this thing?" Tifa asked.

Shere Khan nodded. "Most certainly, Tifa. And, afterwards, would you be willing to join me for dinner? Both our schedules have prevented us from dating in the last couple of weeks, I believe we are well overdue for our next outing together."

Tifa tried not to giggle. "I think that would be feasible, yes."

Khan smiled inside his helmet. "Very good, then."

Leon sighed. Cid rolled his eyes. "Will the two of you stop flirting and get back to fighting that ugly thing already?"

"Of course. My apologies, this should not take much longer. Initiating Megazord formation!" With a few button presses, Shere Khan caused his Tigerzord to rise into the air on its hind legs and transform into a more humanoid mecha, with clawed hands, a feline head, and a curved blade made from its first form's tail. "White Tiger Megazord!"

"Great, another freaking' Megazord," Cid grumbled enviously. "Showoff."

"OOOOH! WANT TO PET KITTY," the Don slobbered, sliding its bulk towards the White Tiger Megazord.

"Sorry," Khan quipped, slashing his sword several times through the air at blinding speeds with a flick of the wrist. "This kitty does not like to be petted."

"That's not what he said on your first date," Yuffie commented to Tifa, who flushed.

"Yuffie!" Tifa hissed. "That's private information! And you weren't supposed to be there!"

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "I'm a ninja, duh. You can't keep me away from stuff like this!"

"Me neither!" Stitch added.

"You were there too?!" Tifa cried, crestfallen.

Stitch nodded. "Ih! Ih!"

Tifa groaned. "Great. Well, at least you were the only ones…"

There was an uncomfortable pause in the cockpit. Tifa glared at her teammates. "Don't tell me…"

"I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to hurt you, dear," Aerith said apologetically. "He _is_ a rather dangerous man, after all."

"And I was naturally suspicious of him since he savagely mauled me," Leon said bluntly.

"And I was observing you surreptitiously through security cameras as part of my ongoing studies of organic mating habits, so that I can understand this thing you call 'love,'" Tron admitted.

"And I was spying on you because I had nothing better to do," Cid grunted.

Tifa slammed her forehead down on her console, denting it. (The console, not her head.) "How wonderful to know I have such caring and considerate friends…"

"Yep, we're the best damn friends you've got!" Cid said cheerfully.

"More like family, really," Aerith said.

"Ohana forever!" Stitch added.

"What's an ohana?" Yuffie asked.

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind," Stitch explained.

"Oh. Okay," said Yuffie.

"If I'm going to be stuck with them forever, so are you," Leon said flatly. "Better get used to it."

"I wonder if Khan will mind us moving in with you two when you get married?" Yuffie wondered. "He's probably got all sorts of cool toys to play with…and break!"

"Plasma-screen TV! Plasma-screen TV!" Stitch shouted happily. Tifa groaned and pressed her head further into the dent she had made.

"That guy's pretty good," Yazoo commented as the White Tiger Megazord battled the Don with a continuous chain of lightning-quick moves and sword strikes.

"He may have some impressive moves, but he's still not strong enough to defeat the Don!" Kadaj insisted.

Of course, that very moment was when the Don had to bellow and writhe in agony and scream, "NOOOOEZ! I CANNOT BE DEFEATED!" before exploding violently.

Kadaj's jaw dropped. "You were saying?" Yazoo asked dryly.

"Nooo! Don Don leDonDon's deeeeeaaaaad!" wailed Loz, bursting into tears.

"Well, with a stupid name like that, it was only a matter of time," Yazoo pointed out.

"Oh yeah, I guess that's true," Loz said, immediately calming down.

"Motherfucking damn it! THEIR mothers, not ours!" Kadaj amended quickly, seeing the horrified look on Loz's face. "Don't think this is over, Rangers! We'll be back, with more minions and an even BADDER monster!"

"I don't think they can hear you," said Loz.

"Do you mean badder as in more monstrous and evil, or just more pathetic and incompetent?" asked Yazoo.

Kadaj flushed. "Shut up. If we didn't come from the same Mother, I'd kill you both."

"Aww, I love you too, big bro!" Loz squealed, hugging Kadaj. "Hug!"

"Ack! Loz, let go!" Kadaj screamed, trying to wriggle out of his idiot brother's too-tight hug.

"Huuuuug!" Loz said happily, rubbing his cheek against Kadaj's affectionately.

Yazoo shook his head and glanced at Cloud, who was staring at them dumbfoundedly. "Forget you ever saw this," the man in the dress said coolly. "We'll kill you some other day, okay?"

Cloud blinked. "Uh…okay…"

"Great. See you later." Yazoo grabbed his two brothers and dragged them into a nearby dark portal, which closed behind them.

"…That was weird," Cloud said after a moment.

Cait Sith nodded. "Aye, lad. Now, do ye suppose ye could…"

"No," Cloud said flatly.

Cait Sith sighed. "Aye, that's what I thought ye'd say."

The Rangers, who had managed to get free from the stuck doors of the Ultrazord, came over with Shere Khan, helmets off and reveling in their (well, his) victory. "That was _so_ awesome, the way you just swiped your blade through the air a few times, and it looked like you didn't actually hit him, and then you turned your back to him and he exploded! It was sooooo coool!" Yuffie gushed to the bemused White Tiger Ranger.

"Ih! Badass! Like in anime!" Stitch agreed, punching the air a few times.

"It was a very clean series of cuts," Leon said admiringly. "I didn't know you…or rather, your robot…could use a sword so well. I thought you were mainly a barefist fighter."

"I am," Shere Khan agreed. "But I've trained myself a little in most other weapons on the side. Just in case. A warrior can never be too prepared, after all."

Leon nodded in agreement. "Indeed. Perhaps you'd like to spar sometime?"

"Hmm, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule," Khan mused.

"Assuming it doesn't interfere with our 'private time'," Tifa said, giving Khan a smile and Leon a somewhat threatening glare.

"Of course not," Khan said, smiling slightly as he heard Leon gulp and back away.

"Do you suppose you could also schedule in some time to give _us_ some of that monofilament whatsis?" Cid asked Khan hopefully. "Because, dang, I sure could use some stuff like that around my workshop…like to keep certain nuisances from sneaking around and breaking all of my stuff!" he snarled at Yuffie and Stitch, who stuck their tongues out at him.

"I'd be perfectly happy to lend you some monofilaments," Khan said. "As soon as you can prove to me you won't destroy the city with them. Let's see, this is the…tenth time this month you've wrecked most of Radiant Garden?"

The Rangers paused and looked around, taking in the great amount of devastation and ruin they had caused with their battle. Cid cursed loudly. Aerith sighed. "Oh dear, not again…we really have to stop doing this!"

"Ah, Khan, I don't suppose…" Tifa asked uneasily.

The tiger sighed. "Yes, I'll pay for the reconstruction of the town…again. But this can't keep happening, you understand that? I may be able to afford these constant repairs, but even I would have trouble justifying all this expense to my shareholders."

"Maybe we should just make everything out of cardboard," Yuffie half-joked. "Then it'll be much cheaper to repair every time we wreck it."

Khan actually seemed to take that into consideration for a moment. "Hmm…cardboard…now there's an idea…" The other Rangers glared at Yuffie, who grimaced and shrugged her shoulders apologetically.

"Hey Cloud, anything interesting happen while we were gone?" Cid asked Cloud as they approached the blonde.

"Cait Sith got stuck under the Crimson Cannon and the Sons of Sephiroth escaped," Cloud said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Leon frowned. "And you didn't stop them?"

Cloud coughed. "There were…extenuating circumstances."

"The lad was too freaked out by their crazy shenanigans tae do anything!" Cait Sith yelled from behind Cloud. Cloud kicked him in the face. "Ow!"

"Oh my…we should probably get that off of him, shouldn't we?" Aerith said, looking alarmed at the thought of how long poor Cait Sith had been stuck under the cannon. "Cloud, why didn't you try and get him out while we were busy?"

"Too heavy," Cloud said, which was partly true.

"Ye didn't even try, ye selfish bast-OW!" he cried as Cloud kicked him again. "Ugh…a little help here?"

"Okietaka!" Stitch walked over, lifted the cannon in one hand, and casually threw it away. It landed in one of the giant craters caused by the battle nearby with a loud crash.

"Red's probably not going to be pleased about that when he turns back to normal," Tifa commented.

"Meh," said Stitch, not really caring.

"Ahhhh…thank ye kindly, lad," Cait Sith said as he got to his feet. He stretched his back, gasping as it cracked a little. "Ooohhh…I was really under there for too long…but I feel much better now! I owe ye quite the debt of gratitude, my friend! I'll never forget what ye did for me that a certain swordsman here did NOT!"

Cloud grunted. Stitch shrugged. "'Kay."

"I don't believe you've introduced me to your new friend," Cloud said, changing the subject. "Shere Khan, isn't it?"

The tiger nodded. "Also known as the White Tiger Ranger."

"How exactly did that happen? No offense, but…you don't seem like the type to get dressed up in colorful spandex and fight in giant robots," Cloud asked. "Then again, I didn't think my…friends were that type either."

The others glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?" Yuffie asked with a huff.

"I rather like fighting in this outfit," Aerith said.

"And Yellow really is my color," Tifa added.

"The outfits were Yuffie's idea," Leon grunted.

"And becoming superheroes in the first place was all Leon's idea," Cid said, causing Leon to glare at him.

"To be honest, I never expected to become a Power Ranger either," Khan admitted. "But, considering Ms. Lockhart seemed so set on it despite how incredibly dangerous it was, and how the rather lackluster performance of some of her teammates-" He did not look at Stitch or Yuffie as he said this. "Or the somewhat disappointing craftsmanship of some of the robots and vehicles she piloted-" He did not look at Cid as he said this. "Put her in just as much, if not even greater, danger than the monsters and villains she fights, I felt it might be best if I joined the team as well, to watch her back if for no other reason."

"You must not think much of the rest of the team's abilities, then," Cloud said, out of a somewhat petty urge to try and worsen Khan's relationship with the Rangers that he had once thought were his friends.

"Oh no, I have the _greatest_ respect for their abilities," Khan said, causing the Rangers glaring at him to cheer up significantly. He was very careful not to add that he respected their abilities to get themselves into danger and cause more damage to the city they were fighting to save than the monsters they battled. Instead, he said, "I simply feel more at ease knowing that I can be there to assist her if she should ever find herself in a situation that her not unremarkable strength and fighting prowess can get her out of…which seems to be happening all too often, lately."

Khan smiled at her briefly, and she smiled back, looking happier than Cloud had ever recalled seeing her in a very long time. His heart sank, as he suddenly realized that maybe all the accusations his friends had made of him might have had an element of truth to them after all…and that because of his one-track focus on his mission to kill Sephiroth, he might have lost something that he had always taken for granted, something he hadn't even known he had or really cared about. And because of that, because he had turned her away time and time again, Tifa was lost to him forever, and it was nobody's fault but his own. This was not something he could blame on Sephiroth, for a change.

"It'd probably happen less often if a certain someone didn't keep messing with my Zords," Cid growled, glaring at Stitch and Yuffie, who feigned innocence. "Or if I could get my hands on better tools and equipment to build them—like the stuff _you_ have--than the crap I'm saddled with now."

"Cid, do you really think it would be a good idea to leave equipment and tools like those lying about where Stitch or Yuffie could get their hands on them?" Tifa questioned.

Cid paused for a moment. "Hmm. Good point."

"Hey! Why does nobody think we're trustworthy with anything around here?!" Yuffie demanded, looking outraged.

"Because when you're not stealing anything that isn't nailed down or poking your nose where it doesn't belong, you're generally causing things to blow up," Leon said flatly.

Stitch giggled. "Cid's garage goes BOOM real good!"

"I rest my case," Leon grunted.

Aerith sighed. "I try so hard to discipline the two of them…but it doesn't seem to work very well. Perhaps I should consider trying more…unconventional methods." Her eyes flickered red briefly as she said this, and Yuffie and Stitch gulped.

Cloud nodded briefly, closing his eyes for a moment. "Well…I'm glad to see that my friends have someone responsible to look after them. Someone ELSE responsible, I mean," he said quickly as Leon, Tifa, and Aerith glared at him. "I think…I think they'll be fine with you around. And Tifa…Tifa probably couldn't have done better in choosing you. Congratulations."

Khan raised an eyebrow, puzzled. Tifa blinked, a concerned look on her face. "Cloud?"

Cloud sheathed his sword. "I have to get going. Those Sons of Sephiroth aren't going to find themselves, you know. (If anything, they'll get horribly lost.) Someone has to find them and make sure they don't hurt anyone else. Might as well be me. Take care of yourselves, everyone."

"Wait…you can't leave, you just got here!" Aerith protested.

Yuffie snorted. "When's that ever been a surprise with Cloud?"

"Typical pointy-haired kid…" Cid grumbled, looking disappointed.

Getting angry, Leon stepped forward. "You're just going to run away again?!"

Cloud glanced at Leon. "Running away? No." He looked over the color-coordinated group. As weird and dysfunctional as they looked, in some way he supposed they belonged together, and fit well with each other. "No." He shook his head sadly and turned his back to them. "I just know when I'm not needed anymore."

He walked away into the night. Or was it evening? Late afternoon? Eh, whatever, either way he walked away.

"Oh, lad…" Cait Sith said sadly, shaking his head in disappointment.

"What the heck was that about?" a confused Leon asked after a moment.

"No clue," said a troubled Tifa, who didn't look as if she had no clue. Khan frowned, getting the same vibes she was.

"Darn, and I was just about to ask him to become a Ranger too. Oh well," Yuffie said with a sigh. "Guess we'll have to ask that Barret guy if he wants to join the team."

Aerith frowned. "The one with the gun for an arm?"

"Ih! He's totally badass!" Stitch agreed enthusiastically.

"Absolutely not," Aerith said sternly. "We have enough trigger-happy people obsessed with explosions on this team, we don't need any more!"

"Awww," Yuffie and Stitch whined in disappointment.

Red XIII poked his head out of the nearby crater. "Can anyone explain what I'm doing down here?"

The Radiant Ultrazord spontaneously exploded in the background, flinging a wailing Herbimus Prime into the side of the nearby castle with a very loud and painful-sounding crunch of metal. Leon raised an eyebrow as the poor Transformer slid down the castle wall and Cid started cursing up a blue streak. "That's going to leave a mark…"

"Uh, Khan…" Tifa started, glancing at her boyfriend.

Shere Khan sighed. "Very well, I'll have that fixed too." He shook his head. "You certainly are a high-maintenance girlfriend, aren't you?" She glared at him. "I meant that in a good way," he said quickly.

"_Is_ there a good way?" Yuffie asked Aerith. She shrugged.

"I really missed a lot, didn't I?" Red XIII asked Cait Sith.

The cat sighed. "Actually, ye might have lucked out, not having to be a conscious part of any of this…or get stuck underneath anything."

Tron sighed. "It's times like this I wonder if I should have taken that job offer from Mainframe after all…oh well. At least this'll make a nice new entry for my blog, 'Organics and the Foolish Behavior they engage in on a Regular Basis.' Why I once envied humans, I'll never know…"

…

It was very dark. And still. And quiet. It was not very pleasant at all.

"Hello?" a tiny, weak voice timidly whispered into the blackness. "Is anybody there?" One part of him desperately hoped that there was, that he was not the only one drifting in this endless void through eternity, that there was somebody, anybody, who could alleviate this soul-shattering loneliness.

Another part of him desperately hoped that there was _not_ anyone else there, because any creature that could call this desolate plane 'home' was probably not anyone he would enjoy meeting.

He got a response. Much to his horror, he thought he recognized the voice. _"I'm here,"_ an ancient, reedy voice dripping with madness and hatred deep enough to swallow the stars replied. _"I've been waiting for you."_

His heart, if he still had one, stopped dead. "M-Mother?!"

The voice cackled insanely. _"We're going to have so much fun together, just the two of us, alone forever…come to me, my son…COME TO MOTHER!"_

And Oberon, no longer Lord of the Fae, screamed in terror and agony as his mother, the mad queen Mab, proceeded to devour his soul.

…

Satan's throne room in the palace of Pandemonium, erected in the center of the infernal city of Dis, shook with laughter as the myriad demons making up the Devil King's court watched the pathetic fool Oberon meet his fate on Satan's giant OverlordtronTM television set. The compressed souls making up the bricks of the palace walls wriggled and moaned in torment, their endless suffering exacerbated by the laughs of their oppressors and the horrible screams being emitted by the television set. The dried (and still animate) souls stretched across the palace ceiling also moaned in torment, but that might have been less because of Oberon's screams and more because their spiritual 'innards' had been ripped out of them and what was left was turned into wall hangings, as if they were no more than animal skins gathered from a hunt. It probably didn't help that winged demons were clawing at their flesh.

In his extremely luxurious recliner throne in a private balcony of the enormous chamber, Satan chortled and sipped blood from a cup made out of something's skull. He might have been laughing at Oberon's suffering, or because Lilith was giving him a blow job, it was hard to say. The six other Sin demons were spread out around the balcony, also enjoying the festivities (and Satan's women). Only one demon was deep in thought rather than having a good time, and that one was Belphegor. This was hardly surprising, for while Belphegoe was the Demon of Sloth, he was surprisingly clever and inventive. When he wasn't sleeping or slacking off, that was. Satan noticed that his underling did not seem to be enjoying himself and, somewhat offended, took it upon himself to figure out why. "Hey, goat-head! What's the matter, my ladies not good enough for you?" Satan's many concubines paused in their pleasuring of the other Sin demons and glared at Belphegor, who indeed was the only one of the group _not _having sex with anyone.

"Hmm? Oh no, they're as magnificent and sensual as always," Belphegor said somewhat distractedly. "There's just something I've been puzzling over…something that does not quite add up."

Satan raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what would that be?"

"Maybe why, despite being an animal both above _and_ below, he gets the fewest ladies?" sneered Mammon, who naturally had the most demonesses around him; he was the Demon of Greed after all.

"OR MAYBE WHY HE SO PUNY COMPARED TO MOLOCH-BAAL?" Moloch-Baal bellowed, flexing his enormous muscles.

"Most demons are smaller than you, Moloch-Baal, and at least I use the most important muscle in the body, one which you never do," Belphegor retorted.

Moloch-Baal stared blankly. "…MOLOCH-BAAL NOT UNDERSTAND. WHAT MUSCLE IS MOLOCH-BAAL NOT USING? MOLOCH-BAAL TRAINS EVERY PART OF MOLOCH-BAAL'S BODY!"

Lucifer snorted. "He's talking about your brain, you idiot."

"OH." Moloch-Baal blinked. "…MOLOCH-BAAL STILL NOT UNDERSTAND."

Everyone groaned. Belphegor smirked. "I believe I've proven my point."

Satan chuckled. "Okay smart guy, you done shown your brains…now cut to the chase and tell me what's bothering you before I lose my patience and tear off your horns, drive them through your eyes, and skewer that fancy mind o' yours on their tips."

Belphegor glanced at Satan. "You let Oberon crash Maleficent's wedding, didn't you?"

The merriment drained from the balcony like water from a leaky bucket. Satan frowned, the mood suddenly becoming much darker and dangerous. "What makes you say that?"

"You could easily have warded the chamber to keep any uninvited guests from intruding…and yet you did not. You could also have killed Oberon the instant he entered the chapel and shattered that silly little jewel of his…but instead, you let him say his piece, then got us all banished before we could attack him." Belphegor stroked his chin. "If it were anyone else…say, Lucifer or Moloch-Baal…"

"HEY!" the two demons in question yelled.

"I would chalk it up to overconfidence. Or sheer stupidity. But you, Satan…you're too smart for that. You're even more devious than I," the Demon of Sloth said. "You always have a plan or a hidden agenda. Which means that the only reason Oberon was able to break into the chapel and cause all the havoc he did was because you _wanted_ him to." He frowned. "The only thing I can't figure out is _why._ While Oberon did indeed cause much chaos and suffering, all of which profited us, and we gained the opportunity to completely destroy Avalon…most of the damage you and Oberon caused in your great battle was mended when all was finished, save of course for Avalon. I doubt you would have gone to all that trouble and waste of energy just for a little fun. You must have had something else in mind…but as I said, I cannot quite figure out what that is. Perhaps you could shed some light on this matter?"

Satan stared at Belphegor for a moment, as did everyone else on the balcony. Even Lilith looked up from what she was doing to give the clever goat-headed demon a look. Finally, Satan began to chuckle, low and deep and dark. "Hehehehe…well done, Belphegor. I figured that if anyone woulda realized something was up, it would be you. Heheheheh. Yes. Yes, I did let Oberon enter the chapel, temporarily banish us, kidnap Maleficent and a buncha other magical mofos, and nearly destroy the galaxy."

Belphegor nodded in vindication while the other demons gave Satan astonished looks. "But…why?!" asked a startled Leviathan. "What reason, other than shits and giggles, would you have to do something like that?!"

Satan grinned, his gold teeth and red eyes glinting. "Because…of a prophecy."

"A prophecy?" Lilith repeated, looking perplexed.

Satan nodded. "Tell me, y'all…have any of you ever heard of the Dark Prognosticus?"

From the looks on everyone's faces, only Belphegor and Mammon did. It was not surprising that Mammon knew, after all, he was the Demon of Greed, and so knew everything about every bit of treasure and wealth in the universe. "The Dark Prognosticus is a legendary book of evil prophecy of unknown authorship and origin that foretells dark futures and only brings misery and woe to the fools who seek their fortunes in its pages. Every prophecy written within it causes nothing but suffering, destruction and chaos…so, naturally, it is a great asset to evil beings such as us," said Mammon.

Belphegor frowned. "However, it was lost some time ago after the prophecy on its last page, foretelling a great Void which would consume all worlds, was kept from coming to pass. Great Satan, how were you able to find it?"

Satan laughed ruefully. "To be honest, I didn't find it…it found me! It fell out of a dimensional crack one day and hit me on the head…I woulda destroyed it on the spot, if I hadn't immediately recognized it for what it was and realized what I could do with it. While many of the events it predicted have either already come to pass or have been prevented from occurring, there are still quite a few evil potential futures foretold within its pages…and one of them springs from a prophecy which claims that letting Oberon crash the wedding and go on a rampage will indirectly lead to evil's supremacy over the cosmos. Naturally, that is the prophecy I set into motion."

Moloch-Baal scratched his head in confusion. "MOLOCH-BAAL NOT UNDERSTAND. MASTAH S LET MEAN ELF MAN CRASH WEDDING BECAUSE BOOK TOLD HIM TO?"

Beelzebub clicked his mandibles agitatedly. "Yes, that is a little unlike you, Satan, to put your faith in prophecy…especially considering how ambiguous and open to misinterpretation they usually are!"

Mammon smirked. "O_ther_ prophecies, maybe…but the Dark Prognosticus was written by evil hands, and intended for evil use. In the right villain's hands, the prophecies are almost as clear and understandable as glass, while for others they would be as opaque as mud. And who better to wield such a tome than the master of evil himself?"

Satan nodded. "Yep! The prophecy seemed pretty clear to me…it said, and I quote, 'When the blue-skinned Lord of the Fae loses his mind and interrupts the wedding of the Devil's daughter dragon woman of green flame to a fat oaf named Pete, kidnaps the Devil's daughter and many of her guests, and attempts to absorb all magic in the universe, his inevitable defeat at the hands of the Ultimate Dark Lord (yours truly, of course) and the Chosen Keybearer destined to unlock the Door to the Light will open the way for evil's eventual dominance over all creation.' Not much ambiguity in that, now is there? Lays everything out in black and white, clear as day: Letting Oberon do his thing will allow evil to win in the end. Only thing it _didn't_ tell me is HOW my defeating Oberon with Sora's help would lead to our ultimate victory, but I figured that once I set all the pieces in motion everything would become clear. And so it has." He laughed. "I'm one bad sonuvabitch, yo!"

"That _does_ seem to be a rather perceptible prophecy," Lucifer admitted. "Not much room for misinterpretation there."

"But how did you manipulate everything so that the outcome you wanted would come to pass?" Belphegor asked, fascinated.

Satan snorted. "It was pretty simple, actually…the hardest part was gettin' Maleficent to marry that overweight lummox Pete in the first place, since until recently neither o' them showed even the slightest interest in each other! I couldn't tell either of them my plans to convince them to get married for the sole purpose of fulfilling the prophecy and helping evil win, since I knew they would either object to their part in it or try to take advantage of it to gain power for themselves, which would of course screw up everything. Plus, there was a chance that if the marriage was faked, the prophecy wouldn't take…that kind of shit's happened before. So, I had to make them think that they _actually_ loved each other and _actually_ wanted to marry each other using subtle telepathic prodding and by causing certain events to happen from the shadows which would force them to rely on each other and grow closer to each other and eventually form an actual relationship. After that, it didn't take much effort to make them think they should get married, and that it was their own idea. Everything after that was easy as pie…I just had to sneak Oberon and Sora's names onto the guest list and play up to Babygirl's ego to make her think that inviting them would be a _good_ thing. After that, everything fell into place like a well-arranged set of dominoes." He laughed. "And now the prophecy has been fulfilled…and the way to our final triumph has been opened!"

The other Sin demons were impressed. "You effectively brainwashed and tricked your own daughter into thinking she was in love with that idiot Pete so that she'd marry him, and then _let_ her get kidnapped right at the altar all so you could fulfill a prophecy without even being entirely certain what the final outcome would be?" asked an amazed Lucifer.

"Not to mention he used Oberon's banishment of us as an excuse to invade and destroy Avalon, even though he had _planned_ for us to get banished all along," Mammon added.

"Dude, now _that's_ evil!" Beelzebub hissed.

"It's no wonder you're the Big Man down here," Leviathan said somewhat enviously. (Which wasn't really a surprise, he _was_ the Demon of Envy, after all.)

"But how did causing all that strengthen the forces of evil?" asked a puzzled Lilith. "I mean, yes, Maleficent's forming a coalition of villains from all over the universe to try and extinguish the light forever in a vast interstellar war, but she would have done that anyway even if you hadn't masterminded the events at her wedding. How did causing the prophecy to come true further our goals?"

Satan chuckled. "To be honest, I only figured it out recently…even when I was in the middle of the whole thing, _whupping_ Oberon, I still wasn't sure how the Hell this was gonna benefit me, other than providing me with a good fight and some entertainment! So, rather than blindly adhering to prophecy and hoping the thing I wanted would just 'happen', I decided to prepare in advance by tricking Pete and Xehanort into awakening the Great Old Ones and giving Sora the cursed Hellblazer keychain in hopes that it would eventually corrupt him and bend him to my will. Both events would certainly be a great boon to evil, and both would have occurred due to the wedding, so might have been what the prophecy referred to." He shook his head and grinned. "However, Fate works in ways that not even I anticipated, because she's a real fucking bitch who I've got to get around to boning some day. The Chasers destroyed the Hellblazer before it could corrupt Sora and gave him the much safer Acrossing Two keychain instead, and the Great Old Ones have been moving much slower in their orgy of destruction than I had hoped, possibly because they're still somewhat lethargic from their long nap. I need to remember to send them some coffee…that might shake em' up a bit.

"Anyway, both my contingency plans failed…but even so, the prophecy was fulfilled, and we stand on the brink of a new age of eternal darkness! Still wondering why that is? Good; I'll tell you. It's all Sora's fault. Without knowing it, that kid may have brought forth the doom of all worlds."

The Sin demons clearly didn't get it. Moloch-Baal was clutching his head and wailing in pain, all this complex planning and evil genius overwhelming his tiny brain. Belphegor, on the other hand, comprehended what Satan was talking about at once. "The magic Sora released from within Oberon's body. His Keyblade's contaminated it, hasn't it?"

Satan nodded. "That's right! When he released all the energy and people Oberon captured, without even knowing it he planted seeds in their hearts…seeds which could one day bloom and give those people the power to wield Keyblades! And you know what _that _means…"

They did. "A new Keyblade war," Lucifer whispered, eyes gleaming in reverence.

"We almost won the last one," Beelzebub buzzed gleefully. "We've always said that if we had a second chance, we'd do better…"

Leviathan nodded in agreement. "And now we will!"

"With the anarchy and chaos this new war will cause…especially if we can turn enough of the new Keybearers to our side…the forces of good will finally fall," Lilith said, her eyes glowing with the lust for blood and destruction that made Satan prize her so.

"MOLOCH-BAAL WILL CRUSH THE LIGHT! NO ONE WILL STOP MOLOCH-BAAL THIS TIME!" Moloch-Baal roared.

Mammon cackled greedily. "And then at last, everything will belong to us…"

Belphegor nodded in respect. "Very well done, Satan. You have most masterfully engineered beneficial events to occur in our favor…however, there is still one thing you have not explained. One thing which still troubles me." He gave his king a searching look. "How could you have known that Oberon would not only lose his mind but, once at the wedding, would decide to go on his rampage for magic throughout the galaxy? Your entire plan, and the prophecy, hinged on that single act of madness. How could you have known that he would that it?" The demon of Sloth was pretty sure he already knew the answer. He just wanted to hear Satan say it.

He was not disappointed. Satan's form shook with a booming laugh as he gave his generals a malevolent grin and told them the answer to Belphegor's question, an answer which would confirm for them once again why Satan, out of all the demons in Hell and vile beings throughout the universe, was the true master of evil. "Who do you think drove the Smurf insane in the first place?"

…

THE END?

…

Or is it?

…Yeah, yeah it is.

Well, that's that. Now off to the Pokemon section! I don't suppose any of you will join me there? I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

And with that, so long Kingdom Hearts…for now, anyway. Seeya!


End file.
